Pendejo Time - that boy ain't right

Episode Date: January 6, 2023

Thomas is off probation and we're party rocking in the free worldSupport the Show.

and he's uh ladies and gentlemen thomas is free from the the clutch is right of pretty much criminal court system brother i'm proud of you man i don't i don't know uh you know it's not not i guess not you know not a whole lot to be in terms of but you know i guess in terms of like you didn't fight the system, you know, that got your ass pretty good. You know, I struck out. I struck out most definitely. I'm like 0 for 3 so far. Yeah. You know.

Yeah. In a lot of ways, I'm single-handedly doing more to combat white supremacy than almost anybody just by get it like basically i just force the legal system to fuck me yeah you yeah you're like i'm i'm i'm a white man i need to be punished they could do a documentary it wouldn't be a very interesting one. I need to be punished really badly. I'm just a sub, you know? Yeah. The judge is like, well, I mean, it's really only weed related, but he seems like a sub, so let's just fuck his ass.

Yeah. Let's just get his ass good. Yeah, I got in trouble because I asked the judge if he'd ever heard of domination, pool domination pool play puppy play leather leather core stuff like that you know play poopy pee pee play stuff like that yeah you're in um but you're in stuff anyway yeah it's whenever whenever it was sorry i would sidetrack whenever we try to talk about the kink world, it's clear that neither of us are into that because we have no idea. I don't know. Pee stuff. Butt. I have no idea what any of that shit.

Yeah. Nipple. Nipple. You were like urine uh urine stuff like like it's it's obviously you could just be pretending but i just like it's no there's just no it's clear that both of us are like yeah you know the crazy stuff you know the really wacky shit like hand jobs yeah like uh butt slapping in Yeah, like doing it in a car. Yeah, having sex in a parking garage after work. Having sex in a barrel. Yeah.

Fucking in a tent on a camping trip and getting bit by a bug. Having sex in your parents' bed. Yeah, fucking at your house after your girlfriend gets home. Having sex on a water slide. And it goes down um it's steep yeah i'm into crazy shit like you know like having sex uh with my girlfriend and then going to sleep after like just you know sex when you have a nightlight in the room yeah yeah yeah sex when you're when you putting your cats outside and then having sex because you don't want them in there, you know. Post-sex night terrors.

Yeah, post-sex panic attack because you have to, yeah, you know. But, yeah, anyway, I wanted to, I texted you yesterday. I was at a show and I was like, damn, Thomas. It was like, it was like a hot, it was like second Christmas. I was like, Thomas is off probation, baby. We're going to get him a big old fucking balloon i was saying i was like i might get him a cake or something but then i was like i'm not gonna get my friend a cake from the bakery i would eat it in one sitting and just cry

i my brother sent a king's cake to my house last year i remember and you know eden was like we should just throw this away like we don't need this in the house like it's a nice gesture but like you know you've had king's cake before it's like it's a it's really something but i you know i just ate pretty much the whole cake um i would just i would wake up early in the morning and eat like a third of a cake. I don't – on my birthday, when I first started dating Ashley, I went over to her parents. We were together, I guess, at this point, like six, seven months or whatever. And they did the whole like smash the cake into your head thing.

But it was like one of those hard cakes that you get from like walmart like i think one of her friends bought it and it's not to say that like cakes like getting hit in the face with cake hurts it's just like you don't expect it and it it was one of those cakes that like you just get off the shelf at like walmart that sits there like in the fridge like it's not like a fresh cake. So like they like stuck me with it. And it was like, it was like hard. Like I was like, I wasn't rocked, but I was like, that hurt more than I thought. And then I got another one. And I just like, I was, I was like, I'm getting, I'm getting my ass beat here by like vanilla buttercream shit.

But I wanted, I was like thinking about calling H-E HEB because the one by me has a bakery and being like, okay, can you give me, can you do a cake that says congratulations, no probation, you know, for my friend Thomas. But like, I'm not going to make like a, like a lady who should have retired. It's got like handcuffs on it and stuff. And then it goes to my neighbor's house. Yeah. It goes to the pedophile that lives down the street from you like it yeah the guy falsely accused who it turns out the real one was just like several miles away oh oh that's right yeah i thought it was i thought it was a

guy like three houses the ford svt cars yeah i remember yeah i that's right you told me that because i remember you being like god i, I want that guy's life. He's got that sick-ass SVT. And then later on, you were like, I was envying the life of a serial child molester for like two months, and it wasn't him. Shout out to that guy. But yeah, man, that's awesome. I know that when we first started doing the show, you were like, God damn, I got so much fucking longer than this shit, dude. And then it rolls around, and you're like're like oh you know yeah that's done so yeah i thought it would feel more dramatic but i haven't even had a beer yet or anything it's just yeah it's it's

like it's the middle of the week yeah no remembering like you know like i want to be relaxed and stuff. I don't feel relaxed at all right now. Right. Right. Right. I have to get a plumber over here tomorrow and stuff. I'm not like complaining. Well,

I just did, but like, you know, your house is also like, I want to be on island time. You know what I mean? Yeah. Right.

You don't want to like, it'd be very funny if like the, your house is like, as we speak is like either recovering from flooding or recently flooded or about to flood again and you're like calling the plumber like shit drunk you're like hey man i don't mean it appropriate but i just have probation so i'm fucked up right now because i'm gonna give you a blow job when you i haven't had a beard in two and a half years And I'm so horny

He calls my dad and he's like I don't know if I want to go over there He said he's going to suck me off My dad's like he won't suck you off He's like he said he'd suck you off My dad tells me Hey you telling this guy you're going to suck him off I'm like no

No yeah Are you drunk right now? No. So you're telling. Talking to the plumber like that on the phone. Hey, I've been on probation two and a half years. And so I just figured I'll have, you know, a couple beers and a wine. But I was looking at your reviews on Yelp and you're sexy.

You got your profile picture on your company. What's your name, Chris? That's a sexy ass name. That's a sexy. Chris, you're from Arlington. Man, Arlingtonris that's a sexy ass name that's a sexy chris you're from arlington man arlington that's where all the hot dudes are from yeah i'm all the sexy i'm a gay guy dude and i'm super into gay sex so crazy if i would have if i was if i had a beer and i was a gay guy who drank a beer you're like calling him and you're like i just need my pipes fucking cleaned out he's like yeah i'm a plumber and you're like i need him fucking like power wash oh i need this shit plugged and he's like i we do stuff like that too and you're like

i mean i'm talking i need my gaskets broken yeah i need my need them broken yeah i need my... He's like, you need them broken? Yeah. I need my fucking... I need my pitch reanalyzed. I need my pipes busted. It's like I thought they were already busted. I need fucking a dick. Yeah, I need to get fucked. I'm sitting... I'm a grown man sitting in my house

saying I need you to come bust my pipes down. I'm fucking... I'm homosexual. I'm homosexual fucking queer dude i'm so fucking dude i love i love getting digged down dude like a fucking prom night style dude that'd be so funny if you had two beers and were gay you're just like ah you know this didn't used to happen but something in the last two and a half years you know more likely than that is if i drank a beer and it became a famous scientist such as isaac newton or stephen hawking albert einstein daniel radcliffe yeah all those guys um but no it's nice to um thankfully it takes most

people in the legal system about three weeks to look at a piece of paper so it'll be about a month before everything's cleared up but in terms of the actual probation yeah i'm done with that that's good you know at the end of the day it's a good system you know people rag on it hey i just spent three and a half years in it and it was sick as fuck dude i met a bunch of great people i think i had nine probation officers right in those three and a half years so you know it's a good job to have when most people have it for about three months right i met some of my best friends um you spent a lot of money i spent about thirteen thousand dollars yeah and you know what you can do with that nothing nowadays nowadays because of inflation, so it's no big deal.

Yeah. Hell, I got $13 in the bank right now. Yeah. $13,000, $13,000. What's that, $100? Yeah, who gives a shit? Who cares? $100 times $10.

Yeah, that's fine. Hey, it's all money in the bank to me. Because, you know, they say a dollar spent is a dollar earned they do say that yeah um they say all sorts of wacky shit so i'm eating ice you're good man you want to see this cool pin i found today that i bought a long time ago and i forgot i bought i'm the i'm the... I'm the... I forgot I had this sticker on it. That's really kind of... I guess I'll take it out of the bag.

It's in mint condition. By that, I mean it's not. Just a pen. Show me that pen, baby. Pull that pen out. I'm the NRA. That's awesome. That's pretty sick. I'm the NRA. That's awesome. Yeah, that's pretty sick.

I'd only read it backwards before. I'm the Arn. No. Arn at me. Arn at me. Nice. Anyway, yeah, I know I've had thousands of people reaching out this week. Saying, Thomas, Thomas, you're so so cool now you're 23 and you can

drink a beer i know i know but let's not rush let's not rush you know to all i know everybody wants to hang out with me and have a beer with tom everybody wants to smoke a big fat doobie with tom and drink a big hot beer yeah i'm telling you right now um i'm focusing on the good things you know like landscaping six days a week flooded bathroom flooded kitchen not and i just prepped some chicken and I used the spare, the hallway bathroom to do that. So that was fun. Yeah. You know, I got a lot of cool things in my life.

It's funny. Yeah, rock with it, lean with it. You know, you got to take the positive with the negative you know it's funny to like have the like to go all that time and then like like i'm saying this like also by the way for listeners and for you my friend thomas this is coming from a perspective of a guy who I've sort of just been drinking beer since I was, you know. It's been a long time. So for me, I'm like, two and a half years.

That's... Three and a half. Three and a half years. That's fucking... That's stupid. Yeah, I guess so, right? Because... I was on pre-trail for 15 months.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. guess so right because i was on pre-trail for 15 months yeah yeah yeah but like it's it's it's nuts to like that that you know you have this expectation because we joked about it like thomas has been dd for like this entire time we've been friends doing the show it's just like i have a state enforced dd that i'm hanging out with it's my friend and i'm like well i guess you know i can't drive and you're like well you know anyway so the day comes jan's my friend, and I'm like, well, I guess I can't drive. And you're like, well, you know. Anyway, the day comes, January 4th comes, and you're like, I got to make chicken. Yeah.

In my mind, dude, if that were me, I'm like, dude, I'm tooting up. I'm going to get the big jug. That's what I was planning on. And now it's here, and I'm like, oh, wait. I got to clean the air. I got a clean air. I got shit in my life, you know. Like last night I was like at midnight, I'm off.

Yeah. And then I was like, and then at six I have to wake up for work. Yeah. So I guess I'm not off really. Yeah. It's good to think of it like that you know life is just kind of like uh this is your own probation some ways forever right yeah if you're if you don't have any money and you're sort of like a wage slave which is the majority of

listeners yeah it's most of you guys and also jake yeah Thomas Then like you're kind of just always Just yeah and on parole or probation You can't let loose and have a good time I mean you can But usually for a little bit at a time And then you need a place to stay Yeah then you get evicted And you know bad stuff starts to happen to you

I uh On another very unrelated note I had to go get uh blood work today because i've uh just been convincing myself that i have all sorts of types of cancers and sometimes i do sometimes i like to kind of uh jump start my day by googling uh how long i have left to live i'm uh i'm pretty sure I'm just a normally healthy guy. Yeah, you seem like you just have some joint problems. Yeah, no, for sure. That are like upper body, so it's not even that bad.

Yeah, it's just bad shoulders. Yeah. But anyway, so I had to get some blood work done, and I went to this laboratory. Dexter's. No. I went to just a normal blood panel place. Anyway, I get the blood work done. That was fine.

Not a big deal. But they asked me to download this app to look at the results, and I didn't know this, but I had been using this same company to get my blood work going back almost 10 years, since 2014 or whatever. And I download the app, and it immediately pulls up every blood panel I've gotten over the last nine years. And it's like, you know, like liver, kidney,

like it's everything. It's cholesterol, like LDL, all that shit. Testosterone, blah, blah, blah. Yeah, full blood panel. And I know how fat and fucked up i got because i lived in that life but to watch it on a graph like to watch like i so 2014 everything was solid probably one of the best shapes i've been in my life you know pretty pretty good 2013 2014 2015 you know i was really putting it away, you know, a lot of bad shit.

And I could see like my liver enzymes were elevated and, you know, kidneys. And then 2016, I got fat as shit for like the first time. And yeah, triglyceride, like I'm watching. I obviously I knew that I was a fat fucking idiot that like drank too much and did too many drugs. But now I have like a scientific graph to look at, which was like not nice. Like it's not, I look at pictures of myself and you're like, oh, there's that guy. Yeah, there he is. But when you have like, yeah, like data, like it looks like a stock.

Yeah, I know what you mean. Yeah, yeah. I was like huh what year is that 2019 my triglycerides were like four times that yeah that makes sense and uh i just kind of spent like the most of the afternoon just kind of looking at that and like damn it's cool that science can tell you like you already know in your bones that you're fucking up but like science can be like yeah you you don't get away with eating like chicken wings all the time. Like I can, it seems intuitive and it is a hundred percent, but I'm like, if in my mind, out of sight, out of mind is real.

And that functions with my organs. Like I don't get to see my shit. Like I don't get to see. Yeah. I know what you mean i like i i remember uh like just lying to doctors about like like whenever i gained a decent amount of weight when i first went to college just being like no i don't drink any alcohol when i had gained like 45 pounds in the last like four months yeah it was like oh you just been

just been eating rice krispies yeah like my skin is all gray you're like puffy as shit too like red yeah yeah you're clearly like an alcoholic at least in that moment sweating terribly yeah yeah blood pressure through the roof and you're like 19 yeah yeah well like i don't think about shit like i mean i did because i like i said like i'll like work myself up it's i was um texting my friend cameron and i was like the hypochondriac stuff is the it's the it's the fairest like gayest like you're just like damn i'm dying i got all this cancer and stuff like it's convincing yourself you're dying is like that's uh that's a that's a bitch move man and you can't really go to the er for that like you can i 100 have but you never recover you don't recover from it from a little bit

like you go to the doctor and you're like i'm dying and doctor's like no you're not you're just fat you're uh you know your blood pressure's fucked up but But, yeah, I don't think about that shit. And so, like, to see it, I was like, I don't know. I'm glad I guess I'm not doing that shit anymore. It'd be cool if we both lived to, like, 200 years old and we get to rule our own planets. What would you call your own planet if you could get one? Tub.

Just T-U-B-B. All right. What about you? Algernon. I guess if you're asking. I hadn't really thought about it before. Okay, why Algernon? Due to the...

It would be the planet that invented algebra. Oh, okay. It wouldn't have anything to do with flowers for Algernon? I'll be completely honest with you. I thought I just made that word up. Really? Yeah. I was using algebra and Argonian from Skyrim.

Yeah. Okay. And I came up with a word that, as it turns out, at this time, some claim that they have also come up with. Now, when you look at it from an analytical standpoint, there's a few different ways to see it. Look at it from an analytical standpoint. There's a few different ways to see it. Now, what is Flowers for Algernon? Nobody really knows.

Right. What I remember is there was a guy a few years ago whose handle on Twitter was a pun of that name. Followers, yeah. He shot up a bar. He was one of those, it was Flowers for, like, at a Tomsk or something. Oh, never mind.

I was thinking of Followers for Algernon, which I think's Boner Hitler. I think he's the chef. In fact, you were trying to tell me that... No, no. That one of my favorite posters recently did a mass shooting guys but no dude this is the the um flowers for a tomsk or something all right yeah this was the um this

there was like a a lot yeah yeah yeah and at the time my hat was spooky kookster and that guy's at was i am the spookster that was a close one anyway he was like a reply guy for all those uh hey nobody cares about that thomas why are you talking about that anyway yeah um the just just to clarify my um my my dream planet is not named in any way after the display name of the dayton shooter just wanted to get that out there before the accusations came rolling in i don't plan on your planet yeah would it be populated by mostly uh like people and animals or just types of fucked up critters or what do we tell you what you say um i think on tub in my ideal planet tub

uh it's sort of the inverse of the society that we live in now and I hope you're comfortable with me getting a little intellectual on this episode just sort of like showcasing my like understanding of like culture and shit I would love it so in tub it's actually

sexy to be a fat fucking loser oh that's awesome and and so like on tub exercise um like so like basically on tub eating you know like a big fucking cheese steak and then drinking like two bottles of wine and then like eating some ritz crackers and some oreos and just sort of being like that's hot. It's not like 6% body fat. It's not power lifting.

It's like being a big, fat, bold, beautiful bitch, men and women both. And then skinny fit people basically work in coal mines. They're good for that. And they get canceled every second, and they have to live in mud houses and anybody who like uh um everybody has to go to therapy every single it's mandatory therapy and you have to also watch uh steven universe that's basically the national anthem or something that is awesome what would your planet be like um well

first off i would say interracial marriage would not be illegal okay let me get that out there it would be mandatory though no same race marriages No same race marriages. We're going to make a better Brazil with none of the weird dancing. Okay. And none of the jungle thing. No jungles. Right.

It's basically going to be a beach, but like the type of beach that you would see like on a Windows 95 background. There's not a whole lot there. We have huts and stuff. We have slaves, but they all look like Burt Cresher. Nobody gets mad. That's an ideal village

drunk slave. Strong white slaves. Salt of the earth. The type that they wear. They wear no shirt. They wear jeans, no belt, but the jeans stay up fine. Yeah. They just kind of sag right at the base of the dick, like right above it.

You see the pelvic bone. And they go around giving people high fives. Right. And you think, that slave was badass yeah you think you're out there playing volleyball with your slave and you think i forget who owns who you know because you're close friends with them yeah you're swimming you got swimming with slave burt crusher and suddenly a big wave hits you look in the distance, and you see a big shark fin. Right.

And you don't see Slave Burt Crusher anywhere, and you yell, you say, Slave Burt, Slave Burt Crusher, where are you? All you hear is some damn bubbles, and all the waves have settled. You look at the sky, and you cry out to God, who on this planet, his name is aloysius okay yeah aloysius where's slave burt crusher please you look back at the water and the fin

is coming closer to you right right the whole sea turns to blood it's frothing you're writhing in it not in fear not to stay afloat but out of joy right your eyes roll back in your skull and your cock gets hard okay and you feel a tickling under your on your toes you look, and there's a bunch of little minnows. Hey, Thomas, I hate to— And basically, you can find minnows in any shallow body of water. Can you keep telling people about your planet? I hate to do this to you. I'm about to shit my pants.

I don't know why I just got hit with a real mean one. Just keep— Do your thing, dude. I'll be right back. So basically, you know, you're looking up to the sky. You say, hey, Aloysius, bring my slave friend back, you know. And you don't really have to get a reply. A lot of cries for help are mostly for the one doing, you know,

nobody really has to hear it. It's just nice to, ah, I'm doing, you know, it's, nobody really has to hear it. It's just nice to, ah, I'm helpless, you know. It's fun to do. I do that sometimes. I'll just park my car on the side of the road, and I'll just get out, and, you know, help! Start setting off flares, put traffic cones in a big circle around myself. People pull over and say, what do you need help with?

I say, I just wanted attention anyway so we were in the ocean all blood frothing like a you ever been in a hotel and um and your great aunt puts a bubble bath stuff in the in the hot tub and it's not that nice of a hotel, so they never really clean it. And for some reason, in this memory, you were at the same hotel for like six days. You don't know where this hotel was. You just know you were there with your grandparents and your great aunt. She shouldn't have done that, but it's okay. Couldn't hurt. Anyway.

So we're at the beach, and we're looking for our friend, Slave Bert. We've already cried out to God. Nothing happened. But we turn around because we feel a tap on our shoulder, and we turn back towards the beach, which is where we spend most of our time due to not being amphibious animals. And what do we see, folks?

I'll tell you what we don't see. Our friend Bert. Now we turn to the other side where the tap did not originate and we do see slave. And he's fine. And what does he have on his head? But a toy fin.

That's right, folks. Our friend Bert has a toy fin on his head. And he was a shark the whole time. Now, the sky is still dark. The sky is still dark the sky is still dark hey sorry guys i'm sorry man i'm really busy right now the sky is still dark and despite the resolution of the problem the the

water is still blood yeah it's blood and it is forever and you know what the moral of that story is folks sometimes things happen and they just they happen, and it's like that forever. And you just still live in your hut, and you go surfing. It's all blood. Anyway, that's really not what I'd like a planet to be. So that's not Algernon. That's hell. That's bad.

If you paid attention to the story and you weren't so busy crapping, it turned out the shark was Slave Burt Crusher with a toy fin on his head the whole time. I'm going to keep it a bill with you, man. I know we had an episode where you threw up off camera. Yeah, well, that was...

I had to go. I may have... You should have shit your pants on camera. I did a little bit. I'm not going to lie to you. I'm not sitting in the same pants. I had to do a little change-a-roo. I gambled on a fart, and I did lose.

It was not a full shit. I don't want to make it seem like I just as i'm podcasting with you completely shit my pants but i was sitting here and i was like um yeah i blah blah blah you know uh tub and in tub and uh you know just just a little bit you know just a little bit of poop, which, you know, is normal for a 28 year old man to do. Right. And and I wasn't I when you were going off on your tangent, I was sitting here and I was like, look, I could do the rest of this episode with like. Four percent of an entire poop in my pants. Like I'm saying, this was a small it.

But or I could I could I could say, hey, look, I'm going to let you cook a little bit. I'm saying, this was a small... Or I could say, hey, look, I'm going to let you cook a little bit. I'm going to go deal with this. And I think I did the responsible thing. I could have... In hindsight, it would have been funnier in an hour in to be like, hey, man, guess what?

I did half this episode with shit in my butt. I'm a fucking sick motherfucker, dude. But no, I just had to go handle some business right quick. That's okay. I mean, hey, a lot of times I have to crank one out in the middle of the episode.

Anytime I have bad internet, I'm actually just watching pornos. Yeah, when you turn your camera off, you're like, oh, the internet's bad. Oh, it's so bad. Yeah, on those episodes, it's kind of funny because I'll hear you like, yeah, what if he was a Puerto Rican vampire? Yeah, it turns out I'm really, truly addicted to pornography. There are two addictions that I don't understand, and that's one of them.

that I don't understand and that's one of them. I, okay. I see on a basic level how you could get like to where you're watching it too much. Yeah. Yeah, I get that. Getting to an extent to where you absolutely cannot kick that

on your own without telling anybody? I think we've all been like 15 yes yeah yeah hey yeah i'm cranking the fuck out of this watching like yeah you should be watching porn like multiple times a day yeah you're watching it every day but multiple times a day pat yeah too many yeah and then what you do is hey at a certain point in your life you just successfully cut it out and it's honestly not that hard it's not it's it you get down like i that the easiest thing to quit dude for for me my my prime jacking off pornography years started a little early and lasted i think a little like probably around 19th

so from like yeah but like for me it was like i feel like appropriate adult levels of jacking off is like once or twice a week twice a week like i'm like that's what i don't got time to be doing high school levels of beating you know what i'm saying like i was never a goon cave guy like that's the shit i don't get that is a peak level of addiction where like you have to watch pornography it's the only media that some of those guys consume like when I went down the goon cave rabbit hole and was like reading about pornography addiction because I was like these guys are psychos and then I was like oh I have a little compassion they're actually like addicted to this shit there was guys on there it's like yeah i don't watch movies like i only watch pornography

and i was like that that is like you don't watch happens when you give an entire like huge percentage of the country uppers without like yeah you prescribe like if you take five minutes in the morning and you don't immediately like get up and like go to work yeah yeah yeah it's rough yeah i mean you i didn't even realize it till like i didn't even know that was a side effect till like last year same that makes sense because they gave me they gave me five minutes when i was like 14 yeah they gave me adderall the xr when i was like yeah that was that was a rough time because I didn't know either. I was just like, when you're in high school,

and I wasn't doing much, just like playing guitar and shit, but when you're in high school, like I would take it, and then like school would get canceled, or I wouldn't go to school that day or whatever, and I'm like, wow, if I don't jack off, I think I'm going to die. You know what I'm saying? So it's a good point. Cause you have a lot of young,

like younger people and then like younger men and then men, you know, that are just prescribed Adderall. It's like, yeah, you don't really have anything else to do with your time, but it is weird to be like, to buy,

like you're buying like OLED, like liquid crystal display. Like you're getting like a $2,000 monitor. Like you're getting a rig like you're buying like oled like liquid crystal display like you're getting like a two thousand dollar monitor like you're getting a rig like you have but like you know with a hard drive and with like a computer designed to run you know fucking high quality high def fps bullshit i don't play video games so i don't know i'm talking about but you get that so you can watch pornography like all day yeah um that's a that's a tough situation that one in game do i feel a huge amount of pity no no no i don't really feel don't really feel a whole lot of pity i feel a little bit insofar as i've been addicted to stuff in my life i feel pity uh like if i see a guy like it's like this type of pity i feel like if i see a guy jacking off in public yeah i'm like ah that

guy's had a bad life yeah i still don't want to still don't need that no and i don't need to like i don't in my mind if you're addicted to heroin, there's almost a romantic. Like, if you're an alcoholic, like being a drunk, being addicted to opiates is impressive. Yes. I am not condoning it. Right. But I am saying it is now being briefly addicted to opiates. Not impressive.

But if you're like. If you're like if you've been doing heroin for like 40 years, like, yeah, it's fucking impressive. It's hard to be addicted to pills and shit, dude. It's like your life is difficult. It's very hard. People say like, oh, pill heads and dope heads and fucking heroin acts are lazy. No, dude. Being hooked on opiates and like really any hard drug is an exhausting, very busy life.

and like really any hard drug is an exhausting very busy life um and there's a there is again like a almost a literary like book style romanticism about being an alcoholic like oh the the tortured genius like musician or painter but you never get a movie or a book where a guy's like a brilliant like auteur filmmaker or he's this brilliant fucking like physical media artist sculptor painter or he's a brilliant comic or musician and he's addicted to jacking off like you know, you don't have that. They're always alcoholics or coke heads or pill heads or heroin addicts. There's nothing romantic and there's nothing inspiring about like you're like hey hey sorry man like you know your buddy comes up to you and he's like dude I can tell something's up and you're like hey man I you know pills are getting pretty bad and your buddy's like I know man but I got love in my heart for you brother and I will help you beat this if a buddy came to me and was like hey Jake I'm like

man you look worse for wear and he's like it's just I'm like you man, you look worse for wear. And he's like, it's just, I'm like, you back on that? You snorting that shit again? I'm like, no, man, I'm cranking my fucking toad off about nine hours a day. I'd be like, God, I don't know how to help you. Like, I have, you know, I have compassion insofar as you're my friend. But, like, come on, brother. Imagine your kid coming to you like, hey, I'm going to tell you this because i trust you yeah i masturbate a lot i would be like hey don't fucking tell anybody about that that is a secret you don't go to therapy about that shit i've told you before you can tell me anything you can't keep that shit stuffed down. This is not a homophobia thing.

You need to shut the fuck up. You got to grow up. Yeah, yeah. You got to, like, please. I'm playing NBA 2K12 right now, and I will punch all your fucking teeth out of your mouth if you say some gay shit about touching your weenie again. Grow the fuck up and get hooked on fucking, what was Uncle Jake, what was that?

Dilaudid? Yeah, go ask him if he knows where to get that shit just hop on some of that with son i gotta make this goddamn hummus i'm prepping chicken in the bathroom because dad flood the kitchen again because we got shitty fucking pipes so hold on dressed like mr Rogers, but we live in a trap house. Yeah. Now, son, go kill the rat, the big one that's undead. Quit tugging on your fucking turkey. Go kill that big zombie rat.

Now, son, you know what happens if you jack off and you fall asleep? With your dick out, the rats will eat it. And we've got lots of rats, son. You know what happens if you jack off and you fall asleep with your dick out, the rats will eat it. And we've got lots of rats, son. You know this. You live in the basement. Lots of rats. Don't be tempted and leave it out for them because they won't play with it. They'll eat it.

They'll eat it. I can't, like, that is a very funny, I, I don't mean this to be insensitive, but I do. If I had a son and he was like, Hey man, I dad, I really, I tell you something like,

I feel like I'm having a real big problem with like drugs and alcohol. I'd be like, Hey man, I've been there. Old pops, you know, he ran the gamut. Like I help you out.

Like, you know, it sounds cliche, but the old man's got some advice like you know i'm wind out better on the block and we could have that father-son moment where it's like i want you to break this cycle or whatever blah blah blah my son came up to me and was like uh and he wasn't like 15 because again i feel like you do get a bit of a window like you said to like to jack off too much because you when you first discover it as we've

talked about it's like i don't really have anything else to think about like there's a period where but at past a certain point like if my son comes home from school or whatever he's like 22 he's like yeah i'm just i think i'm beating off like 10 times a day i was like yeah i don't i don't give a fuck about that man i love I love you. I, but I don't like you right now. Like, I mean, we be a thousand other things that we could talk about, man.

You need to get your shit together. Go to church, dude. I'm just, we're not a religious family. I didn't fucking raise you in, but maybe go to fucking church. I don't fucking know.

What would you do if a rat hopped up on the back of your head? Made you jack off like it was rad to me. You know, he had that power. Yeah, that's true. He could have been exposing that guy to just... Imagine that's like a pedophile. Making him take his dick out and put it on the fucking frying pan.

It's like a pedophile's defense case. Have you seen the movie Ratatouille? Judge is like, yeah. I had my Yankees cap on and i just was walking around and the next thing i know my dick was out in front of a junior high i just couldn't it was one of those big rats you know just got under my hat was pulling my hair around making me fuck myself imagine if you were laying it down and the rat hopped up on the back of your head and he helped you do it better would you let him get back up there again would i let a rat fuck to help me

fuck better yeah you'd still feel good so like is the rat but on the condition every once in a while against your own will you put your own pinky up in your bum like while i'm fucking you lay super good pipe but sometimes you arch your own back and you put your pinky in there not the whole thing just a little bit it's the tip i feel like that's a pretty solid trade-off you make a face like oh so the scenario is would you let a rat help you fuck good if every now and then you engaged in homoerotic sexual behavior? Yeah, still with a girl, though. Yeah, I feel like I would.

I feel like that's a pretty no-brainer. I fucked up that you'd accept that, because afterwards the rat makes you break her neck. You didn't let me get to the end of the scenario. Yeah, dude. The rat makes you kill her after. I was going to say no. And afterwards, you have to feed the rat a piece of cheese. All right, so let me keep track.

The rat helps you fuck good. We got that. I decided you don't have to kill a girl or something. I just decided. But you do have to feed him a piece of cheese. that I just decided. But you do have to feed him a piece of cheese. So as penance,

as a sort of reward system, a mutualistic relationship between you and this rodent, he helps you lay down dick like a champagne, but you have to stick your finger in your ass like once a month, but you didn't have to feed him

a piece of cheese. And also, after you're done fucking, the rat gets to fuck the girl too. I feel like she needs to have a say in this. And also, after you're done fucking, the rat gets to fuck the girl too. I feel like she needs to have a say in this. And also, he comes inside. But she's cool with it. Oh, she's cool with it?

Okay, I guess. Do you ever have to fuck? But she prefers sucking the rat's dick over yours. That's annoying. And it's huge. It's bigger than my dick? It looks like a human's dick on a rat. That's huge. It's bigger than my dick? It looks like a human's dick on a rat. That's awesome.

Well, you're changing the hypothetical up. And then you have to suck the rat's dick all the time. Fuck! You have to let him fuck you. God damn it. And he gets you pregnant with a rat baby. I think I'm out now. I don't think I'm...

And now the baby hops out and it's cute. I guess... Well, now you're bringing me back in. If it's a cute rat, yeah. Yeah. That's not too bad. And it kills you. Fuck.

You keep switching it up on me, man. Yeah, I can't decide. Anyway, yeah. A lot of philosophers have asked over the years, would you let a rat hop on the back of your neck and help you fuck? And we don't know. We haven't found it. You know, we know more about space than we do about ratatouille

helping you lay down that fucking hammer. That's true. I feel like it's a kid's movie, so you don't get to see that aspect of it for sure like you know if that because if a rat knows how to make like michelin star cuisine you know he knows how to eat pussy like a champion you know that he's like he's a munch for sure or whatever the fuck you know oh for sure yeah off topic right you know has always thrown me off is whenever they say what percentage of things scientists know about, say, the ocean. Right.

And space. How the fuck do you know that you know 20% of anything? I don't think I know 20. I don't think I know over 20% of anything. Yeah. Yeah, I don't think I know. I couldn't tell you 20% of the people I graduated high school with.

Even on the thing... It was a class of, like, 80. Even on the things I think that I know a lot about, it's like I know, like, 3%. Maybe, max. Like, you know, like guitar or something. I run into autistic guys on YouTube, and I'm like, yeah, I quit, you know, whatever. Yeah, 1% of guitar. It's like, I don't fucking, I run into autistic guys on YouTube and I'm like, I quit,

you know, whatever. Yeah. 1% of guitar stuff is like of all guitar stuff. Yeah. That's nuts. Like you learn like, you know,

I've been playing guitar like 20 years, but yeah. Basic scales is maybe 1%. Yeah. Maybe. I mean, I don't fucking know. I music theory is for retards.

I mean, if, if you're counting like um ah that's a stupid man who cares you know how many guitars are there 55 experts say up to 80 experts i i do like when they like when uh anytime anytime there's, like, this is, like, the I fucking love science, like, disease that I don't know if it's popular in other parts of the world. But that has a lot of, like, middle Americans in a chokehold where, like, there'll be an article that's, like, Earth-like planet discovered with, like, oceans. And, you know, or, like like parallel reality just confirmed and then you read the article and it's just like a number like a computer program showed something different from like 20 years ago like i don't have a picture i don't give a fuck dude i do not give a shit about the james webb telescope fuck that thing i don't care about pictures of galaxies and fuck it it looks like a laser tag like floor like a fucking skating rinks like a laser tag, like, floor,

like a fucking skating rink, like where you go to get concessions, like the floor. I don't give a shit. Show me a fucking 4K video of an alien getting into what looks like a Toyota Tacoma and then going to, like, lay sod for 10 hours. That's the shit I want to see. Until we get tech that can show me that shit,

I don't give a fuck. I don't care about the elliptical galaxy or, like, the Andromeda. I don't give a shit. Yeah. Like, people, like, I see, like, YouTube thumbnails that are like, this is going to change everything. I'm like, all right, let's see what you got. It's like it's just a picture of, like, space. No, show me an alien jacking it.

Give me a video of an alien, like, fucking another alien fucking another alien that we zoomed in drone style. That's the shit that I'll tune into. Because that shit, it's human shit. It's people shit. I don't give a fuck. Or like a chicken with a human penis fucking an alien. Yeah. Zoom in on Mars and show me that shit and I'll tune the fuck into James Webb.

Otherwise, get that shit off my YouTube searches. I don't give a fuck shit yeah like a fucking bbc breaking or like cnn is like we've zoomed in on a planet and you're like all right and it's like it's got mountains i don't give a fuck about that if the place has mountains it's got an atmosphere that's pretty cool mars has a little one i don't give a fuck about that even pluto's got a little bitty one uh We have a 4K video of a chicken with a human's penis fucking what looks like an alien dog. Yeah, I want, uh-huh, put that shit. Don't bury the lead with that.

You need to have that. I know that the CIA probably has something like that, or NASA, or whatever the fuck. DARPA, maybe. James Webb Telescope catches images of the homie slipping up. James Webb Telescope catches images of the homie slipping up. James Webb Telescope catches you lacking. Yeah. The caught lacking challenge of aliens. They don't have their fucking gamma ray blaster.

We caught your boy washing his car in his baby mama's shorts. That's awesome. Yeah. That's awesome. Yeah. James Webb catches Thomas fucking one of the drain pipes behind his house to unclog it. I would never do that. And I would have to get my penis under the sink to do that.

It can't be that hard, man. No, I don't mean to. I mean, to get it into the back corner would be weird Cause I'd have to fit the rest of my body in there Yeah that's true Now if I had just a four foot long penis It would be extremely easy But I don't That's my confession for tonight

I don't have a four foot long penis Yeah Probably not even one foot honestly i don't i don't right not even one inch it's probably the size of a there was it's a piece of dust did you did you ever this is this is a real homie question we're digging deep did you ever measure your dick in high school? Just with a ruler, like a tape measure? Yeah, I did the same shit. Yeah, I used to do that shit on back-to-back days.

Yeah, just to see it. I didn't keep a spreadsheet or anything. Yeah, yeah. I'd use different types. Dude, I fucking ruined all the rulers I had. I had like a bendy ruler that I was like, maybe there's a slight angle to it that I can't see. Yeah, yeah. You're trying to get an extra centimeter.

Yeah. And I went to move out of my parents' house and I was like, huh, I have like five rulers. And I was like, oh, these are all for my penis. You know how like— I didn't use any of these for anything other than measuring my own penis a bunch of times and getting like roughly the same measurement every time. You know how like families will etch the height of their children into like the doorway of the kitchen? It's just like the doorway to your bedroom is like four inches off the ground. It's like 2007.

The family ruler has names next to it. It's like little markings. Yeah. TW. Your fucking initials. Your dad's initials are on there. Yeah. Yeah.

I like, I remember it. Some, it was like at the back, like back of the bus when we were on the way home from school. And I was like, yeah, you got him. I had to tape measure out and I was measuring my dick i never never occurred to me i think i was in like eighth grade i was like you can do that like you're allowed just i never thought about it i thought as soon as i as my penis got to probably about 11 inches long that's when i would really start bringing in the pussy yeah i thought once my penis gets to a certain length,

women will know, based on my pheromones, and that's pretty much how I'm going to start laying down this white hammer. Right, right, right. I'm basically going to start fucking probably 3 to 25 women a day. That's what I thought when I was like, I, well, I thought that like in the same way that you can like serve your country when

you're 18, like when I was a teenager and even like kind of before, like in sixth grade, I do remember thinking like, Oh, like you can drink alcohol at 21. You can join the military at 18 and go to college or whatever. But I also thought there

was like a specific age where your penis became like a like a grown man's penis i was like all right i'm a kid right now but one day i'm gonna get my adult penis and then that's that's when i get my first job kind of have like a i feel i feel like there is a time though When you're like oh shit Did you have a penis growth spurt? I feel like I don't know I feel like I had two The first one

The first one was when I was in Fifth grade Yeah like when your balls drop Like there's that You get the little baby pubes Yeah yeah the little like peach fifth grade. Yeah, like when your balls drop. Like, there's that, like... It was... You get the little baby pubes. Yeah, yeah, the little, like, peach-fuzz pubes.

And your penis gets to where you can, like, see it. Yeah, yeah. It's not just, like... Like, it goes, like... It goes from, like, a Lego piece... Yeah, to, like, a beanie weenie. To, like, a slightly bigger Lego piece. And you think, I'm a grown man.

I'm gonna start fucking bitches. For the next two years, I'm a grown man. I'm going to start fucking bitches. For the next two years, I'm putting... With the end of a pinky? Yeah, like a... I'm probably going to start... I'm probably going to get a girlfriend soon. Like a Vienna sausage. I'm probably going to fuck her at recess.

Yeah. I'm probably going to start fucking bitches at recess. In the slide. I'm going to start getting pussy, like, in between monkey bar sessions and shit. Yeah, I've been thinking about fucking lately. I might start doing that. Yeah, yeah. I yeah i do remember yeah so you go from yeah having and then you get like you're yeah you're like end of it you might have a nub for a while yeah you're rocking the nub and then you get then you get the dick you're working with the rest of your life

and that is can be a sobering realization for some guys. I'm not saying me, but I am saying that you... No, yeah. You're like, okay, so probably when I'm around 40, it'll stop growing. Like it's a fucking cow's milk. No, I'm saying like in your mind, you're like 22, 23, and you're like, all right, I'm going to get a couple inches here. Like I know men technically stop growing when they're 25 completely. I'm going to get a couple more before this is up.

Like the idea of like a complete adult man's penis, like a carpenter's penis, like a guy who is like a rig welder's dick. You know what I'm saying? I don't know. All my dad's friends were blue-collar guys, and in my mind, you have to put in some time on this earth before you get to have the penis of a deep-sea diving welder. You know what I'm saying?

I don't know if that makes sense. Yeah. Turns out everybody's got... The same dick, basically. There's, like, some guys... Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, everybody's basically working... There's guys who have, like, fucking monsters, and it's just, like, it's just weird, man.

It is... You know what I mean? Like, you'll... There were guys, like like in high school or whatever who'd be like check this out it'd be like past their knee yeah why are you showing me your penis man there's something about like uh i don't know like having it in your mind that like you're like all right one day i'm gonna have the dick of like a navy seal like it's i don't know if it's an american you know what i'm saying like it's gonna have like

like it like tattoos yeah yeah like not tattoos but you're like in your mind you can equate calluses yeah yeah it has its arms yeah it's good yeah it's in like camo fatigues and shit. Like in my very American stupid mind, I'm like, all right, to be a Navy SEAL, you have to have an above nine inch penis. I don't know. It's like how your hands get bigger as you go. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's like just from like working and stuff, you know. Yeah, I didn't know until like i mean i i was this wasn't a recent discovery but like like guy like as you get obviously as you get bigger like if you

bodybuild and shit like your dick doesn't grow i don't know why i thought that if you just put on muscle your dick got bigger but it's like getting fat it makes your dick look really small yeah like um like the the bigger that you get like you just like you'd like have a tiny a little baby boy's penis even yeah and then sometimes sometimes you get to where you're not as yoked as you used to be and then you think i thought if my legs got smaller my penis would look a lot bigger and then it doesn't no it doesn't really happen that's okay i was without your penis your whole life only it just looks smaller sometimes right that's that's okay actually i don't want to get too high and mighty you know i don't know if i've talked about this before but ashley asked me she was like babe is it real that like fat guys can't see their dick

and i told her i was like there was like a a good two year period where I could not see my penis standing up. She was like, that's not real. I thought that was like a movie joke. And I was like, no, if I'm in the shower when I was really fat and I looked down, no dick, just knees, like knees. And then like, like half my foot and then my toes, no nutsack, no dick. And she like starts laughing and she's like why didn't you like like i feel like that would be alarming and you're like oh it is like because you know you have memory of being able to see your penis when you're standing and then you remember that and when you get really fat and you no longer can you're like wow that was not that i want to stare at my dick but i do miss when i could see my penis. Like, because something has gone awry here.

Women can't see their... Their pussy or whatever. It's at the bottom of the... The butt? It's not at the front. Yeah, no, it's not the front pouch. That's not, yeah, it's like... That's just nothing. That's just front pouch that's not yeah it's like it that's

just nothing that's just pelvic bone yeah yeah it's just it's so fucked up what they have going it is yeah it's it's gnarly it's not i hope i never see anyway anyway um yeah i i never um there was like a yeah you're a kid and you're like you're a kid and you're like, you're a kid and you're like, it also obviously like we talked about porn, like that does definitely skew you like in a weird way. Like I think it does do a number on you where you're like, if you're 15, 14 and you're whacking it, you're like, something's, I'm missing something here. You know, like I'm not, something's not computing and you look at your dick and you're like,

oh, I think this guy has aids or something you know i'm saying yeah you know i i never really developed that type of dysmorphia too bad but there's still a part of my brain that's like i could probably come like 20 feet if i was yeah i think i could probably shoot a load across i didn't know that they did put my mind to some of those guys like there are supplements you can take to make you do that. Cause I, I remember having that too. Like the first time I had sex,

I was like, why isn't this going like where her head is? You know? Like, like why isn't this like over there? Like where the wall is next to the bed. And it's like, oh,

there's like some of those guys take like, there's like pills. Apparently you can take to make you bust. Like, I've got that like, uh, seven feet ropes or whatever the fuck they've got like the roots and all

that stuff I don't know if it does anything no there's like a I'm sure certain stuff works for certain people but it'd be funny if there's a placebo pill that makes you bust a fucking you can put your mind to it to just bust a giant load yeah

get all your nuts in one go yeah dude is that like a goal you know no it's not something i don't think i don't think most women are like dude you know what i want is like a cup well that's like a hearty pint of just straight up like having to have the mattress cleaned like deep clean yeah By like a company that works with dead bodies mostly. Yeah. As mad team. Yeah. Well, there was like that, that speaking on that, like level of dysmorphia or like concern,

it's like, I do remember asking a girl I was like seeing in college for a bit and she was like, no, I think it's like, she was like, no no i don't know why like that's so common and like porn because it's like it's it's weird if you like if you're blasting fucking fountains of wayne or whatever the fuck like you're going nuts like that i don't i don't want to do all that shit hey if you're listening to this that means that the show's completely over we were going to end this when thomas got off probation um and now now that th now that Thomas is off probation the show is over this is the last episode

bye see ya suckas bye