Pendejo Time - the 4th

Episode Date: July 4, 2024

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Yep. It's another day in beautiful fucking across the world, United States. 1776, July 3rd. Tomorrow will be the day. The day for the fireworks and the hot dogs and drinking brown beer and fucking

smoking cigarettes, even though you're not really supposed to smoke them anymore. And having a fucking glass of rosé or whatever the fuck it is you do. Not me. I'm pretty excited. Oh, not you? Nope.

I'm woke. You don't celebrate the 4th? I'm woke. I'll be celebrating the woke of July. Oh, is that where you do a land acknowledgement and turn your fucking dye your hair blue? Yeah, I even do ocean acknowledgements. I'll do sea acknowledgements. I swim out there and I like, turn your fucking, dye your hair blue. Yeah, I even do ocean acknowled... I'll do sea acknowledgments.

I swim out there, I go, this used to be owned by the sea and the Indians. Yeah, this land belonged... This was an unpolluted, beautiful mermaid land, and then we invented gasoline and plastic. Sorry we fucked it up for you guys we're gonna blow some shit up in the ocean and and that's that on that it had to be crazy for the you know the people in the caribbean you know where the you know columbus and them got to first you know because

if you're on an island there's no way you're like dude other people are gonna come here you know what i mean like if you just you're just it's like literally just you you're like, dude, other people are going to come here. You know what I mean? Like if you just – you're just – it's like literally just you. You're like, dude, people are not coming here. Yeah. And then like a fucking thousand – like a thousand people come there and you're like, dude, no way. Like fucking get out of here, man. Yeah.

And they're like, no, we brought horses here. And you're like, dude, what do I need horses for? You know what I mean? The fuck's a horse? You had a horse on a boat for three months? What the hell is this, you know? Yeah, I thought about that, like, a lot. Like, taking, like, you know, your, like, high school history.

It was like, dude, those motherfuckers were out there alone. Just, you know, a fundamental understanding of the areas around them. And then this guy shows up and is like, dude, I don't look anything like you guys, and I got all sorts of fucked up creatures on this boat that you guys can look at. Also, I'm going to kill like a whole fuck ton of you. Like, it's got to like, yeah, you're out there alone. You're like, this is it. This is paradise.

Coconuts, little crabs, fucking hut. Here comes fucking old cracker ass Columbus to fuck my goddamn day up. The one island guy who wanted to be a celebrity, and he's like, fuck, I'm going to get off this island someday. And he just gets sent to a British museum to be in a cage forever. New York Zoo. Yeah. Yeah. They did that shit with the pygmies, I think, or the pygmy people.

They did that shit with the pygmies, I think, or like the pygmy people. They just had a motherfucker in a cage in the Bronx Zoo, I think, for like 10 years. Until I think even a New York guy just was like, ugh, that's no good. Yeah, then they went woke and they got rid of him. I don't know if I could do that. It's like, I'm going to make it off this island, dude. One day, somebody's going to come on a big boat. And they're going to look like ghosts.

And they're going to spit fire. They're going to ride on big creatures. And they're going to take me to beautiful Miami, Florida. Which will exist. Where I can be a fucking day trader. And a gay porn star. Someday I'm going to be a bottle girl. I'm going to get out of this town.

Someday I'm going to be a Tampa bottle girl. When I get out of this i'm gonna be a fucking someday i'm gonna be a tampa bottle girl when i get out of my fucking caribbean island a good old christopher columbus takes my fucking islander ass all the way to beautiful tampa florida as uh did you think did you think that the pilgrims like actually like i thought thanksgiving was real for an embarrassingly long time. Insofar as I thought that they had a big table out on the wall. The image in the textbook when I was a kid was like, there's this long-ass table, and then a pilgrim, an Amish-looking guy,

is on one end, and then on the other end is like Geronimo, like the most cartoonish american textbook character of a fucking indian guy and then there's like a piece of turkey and a piece of corn and then that was my understanding of what happened until i was like 14 years old i just was like yeah in elementary school and junior high that's real like whatever we were taught that's 100 and somebody was like, we killed a bunch of them. Probably like 100 million over the course of a while.

I was like, nah, they ate fucking maize together, dude. They liked it, though. They were into that kind of stuff. They loved wars. They were just throwing darts at each other until we got here. It was sad. We showed them how to have a good ass big ass war you know what i mean and that was a blessing in and of itself yeah yeah that's true man yeah i really like your takes on history because you always you always have sometimes people like to get conquered you know what i mean

yeah scratches that primal itch to know who's the victor. Yeah, you always have a question in your mind as a free spirit of, what if I wasn't free and everyone I love died? That's always something that plagues the mind of a person who's lived a certain way forever. And they say, wow, what if everything I knew and loved was gone and i was made to be subhuman god i wonder what that's like you know i wonder what i could get out of a deal like that but to be fair like you know it's like imagine you know you live in like a big ass house right but it's like it's made out of lincoln logs you know it's like you didn't have everything figured

out you know i mean right yeah it's like oh i can have everything figured out. You know what I mean? Right. Yeah. It's like, oh, I can't believe my clay hut got invaded. I only live on the most prosperous continent on the planet. You know what I mean? It's like, oh, yeah, well, you guys maybe should have held off with the pyramids until you came up with the gun. That's what I would have told them. I said, hey, you guys are doing all these sacrifices.

You're going to need those kids. You're going to need child soldiers, trust me. You know what I mean have told them I said hey You guys are doing all these sacrifices You're gonna need those kids You're gonna need child soldiers Trust me You know what I mean You know cause for you know it You know You know I don't know if you know this Jake But

A lot of people were kicked out of their apartments And they had to They had to move to the other side of town A lot of people were kicked out of their apartments. Mm-hmm. And they had to move to the other side of town. Yeah, yeah. And this happened in multiple counties. Okay. And. Is this like the Native Americans or have you moved on to like. This is the Native Americans.

Oh, gotcha. Okay. It was over 100 years ago. Mm-hmm. And it was known as the trail of tears It was called that Because it was so sad You're laughing? Yeah It was a trail of tears Jake

And it was called that because they cried the whole time like babies They cried like little bitches The whole way and it was horrible One of the worst things that happened To one of the, historically, the weakest people in history. That's not, you think that's funny? We were bullies.

Yeah, I mean. We found the weakest. I mean, there was, what, a thousand million of them? Probably a billion Native Americans. And they were fighting with, you know, americans and they were fighting with you know pinatas and you know uh they had uh they had the poisonous frogs you know yep yep that's for sure yeah what did we have had that we all we had was the love of jesus christ and and a few blankets a few blankets that needed to be washed. It's crazy what can happen

when you have the power of Catholicism by your side. Yeah, the power of that, the power of later, a little later, Protestantism, and then just fucking blunderbuss. That's got to be crazy, man, to like, you're the best bow and arrow motherfucker this side of the goddamn Potomac, whatever, you know. You're pretty fucking nasty with that thing, dude.

You're slick as shit. You can like rack three and fucking, you know. Motherfuckers are like, that guy's super good with it. He gets all the fucking deer and shit and the rabbits. And he can shoot three at one time. He throw an apple up in the air. His name is fucking Arking Bow or whatever the fuck. You're the nastiest fucking bow guy ever of all time.

And you see these boats been rolling up the last few weeks. And you're like, I'm going to go check this shit out. And you check it out. And it turns out they're not all that nice um they're pretty fucking they suck really bad they got guys on chains and stuff and they got for beating the shit out of guys you don't know those other guys either um you have no idea what those guys are but you know that you don't want to be like that so you're like i'm gonna rack one of these fucking things, and I'm going to fucking dome this. I'm going to dome this guy with it. I'm going to shoot him in the chest. And you go to rack it, and then just the loudest thing you've ever heard in your whole life,

and then smoke, and then your leg is off. Like, that must have been something that had to suck. Probably not great. Like, you don't know what that is. I probably would have hit the cannonball with an arrow, and then they would have ricocheted opposite ways. And then the arrow would have gone back into my hand, and I would have caught it.

And the cannonball would have gone back and blown up the ship in one go. What do you think of that? That would be sick as hell. This is Professor Thomas teaching the sort of guerrilla war tactics used against forces that were trying to do Manifest Destiny. You know what I mean? Listen, he's an expert, all right? But he's just a bit of a strange guy. So why don't you tell him what happened when the Choctaw came face-to-face with the American Army, the American military?

Yeah, well, when the Charcoos came and the Native Americans were there, it was one of the biggest fights. And with the British and the French. It was called the British-French-American War. And they fought to the bitter end. And I do mean bitter. No pun intended and look when you've got a bunch of trained guys going a bunch against a bunch of novices like the british army you know these guys knew they had the they had loincloths they had uh little stripes on their face.

They had all the tools you needed to take down the British Empire. And they still couldn't get the job done. You know, they were chewing on roots. They were making teas out of leaves. They were getting rice out of the rivers and stuff.

They were doing everything right. You know, smoking peyote. And, you know, they had these cute little tents. And they, you know, you'd think that the British, who they'd only been around for, what, 3,000 years? Sure. Sort of the, they were like if the Ottoman Empire had really bad teeth, you know? Right, right, right.

They only had soldiers on like four or five continents at that time. And... Sure. They still managed to, with the power of Baptist Jesus Christ, they were Catholics, but it was the Baptist one who helped them, actually. Most people don't know that. They were able to peacefully take over an entire continent. Isn't that amazing?

Just by being good at talking. Just by being spiritually pure. Yeah, just by setting a good example, really. Just going out there and teaching them how to catch a ground ball you know what i mean how to throw you know how to how to really throw a good pitch you know i mean how to just play catch with them you know what i mean just just be good role models when we got here they didn't they didn't even have the dallas cowboys they didn't have that they didn't they Dallas Indians instead. What they wanted more than anything was to learn how to throw the perfect spiral.

And we provided that to them in more. You know what I mean? Look, I've been out in the American West. Okay, you go through New Mexico. Okay, you go through parts of Arizona. You get away from the cities and stuff, from the suburbs the excerpts on and so forth You will meet people who know how to throw the perfect football They live out there on the rez and they throw a mean-ass spiral. You know what I mean?

And that's the gift I guess that we do we get to give to the cultures of the world Everybody gets mad. They're like, oh, we do bombings and we fucking poison water wells in Hawaii and we fucking kill innocent people. Dude. Sorry. You can listen to Rihanna now. What do you want us to do?

What do you want us to do? Leave you alone? Jeez, come on, dude. What do you want us to do? You want us to stop come on dude we get bored dude we get so goddamn bored listen i've loved them i've lived in america my whole life and i don't know what what would be on the news if if we weren't what would i watch would i engage with my community you know what i mean Would I be proud to be from here?

No. Listen. If you're out there and you're listening in a country that maybe we've meddled in something or we've turned it to black dust. Parts of it. Just know that we had great intentions. You know what I mean? Just know that we meant well. We were trying to deliver liberty to

you we don't understand subtlety but we wanted to be we wanted you to be free like us you know what i mean i know that you guys had your own like ways of life and shit but come on dude you ever fucking you ever jacked off on the train you hadn't not until we came to visit. You know what I mean? Yeah. They had to jack off in canoes. Canoes, dude. You ever fucking paid off in a boat? It's hard as hell.

You didn't pay your canoe fare. Hey, hey. Imagine your car bounces on the canoe and they make you swim back to shore. What do you mean? Like you're just renting one you get a text from like get out right now

get out we just checked your we just checked your credit your spirit score get out we checked your soul score.

It turns out you're fundamentally corrupt. You're evil. Please get out of the boat. Please swim back to shore. Seek redemption. I'm sorry. It looks like your shaman insurance doesn't cover this hut. It's just like the Puritans sending a tax man.

Before they send the military in, just fucking very like... Hi, so... Sorry. Sorry. We've got to take... You've got to get the hut out of here. We're going to make like a mill. And we're going to...

You've got to get it out of here. It has to come down probably tomorrow. And you're like, no, I live here. I raised my whole family here for like 100 years or whatever. And they're like, oh. And then they just fire cannonballs at you and set your whole house on fire. Fuck, man, that probably was a sick-ass job. Not the cannonball guy, but like the, you know, the smarmy guy or whatever.

Like you go before the army or whatever. tell guys they can't be alive anymore you don't do any of the killing you just do the warning again yeah i would probably be i'd probably be a um a double agent for the native americans no for the british i would be one of the Native Americans, and I would leak our information over to the British, and then they'd come and kill us. Oh, okay. Right, okay. So you would be a Native American guy clearly fighting a losing and uphill battle.

Taking us down from the inside. Yeah. Your thoughts are, hey, look, I hate my own people. It's over. These guys. It's over. My job is I get smallpox and I return and I come back to town. I kill everybody.

All right. So this chap says he wants to give himself smallpox and then take it back to his people. What does he want out of it? Nothing. He just hates his people. He wants smallpox. He hates them.

I offered him a bag of gold. I offered him a woman. I offered him a slave. He said his girlfriend broke up with him and he wants to give his whole tribe smallpox and kill them all. He says it's over. He's telling me that he believes in something called it's over. And that's cool.

So he's black-pilled. He's a blackfoot pill. He's a nihilist. He's a nihilist. I don't think it's been quite invented yet. I think the Germans are cooking it up. But at some point... He's been quite invented yet. I think the Germans are cooking it up. But at some point. He's been reading on round.

I like how the British shoulders in this are, I guess, for me, like a mid-Atlantic, early American guy. And then you're just Ringo Starr. Yeah, I was going for one of the buzzards from the Jungle Book animated movie. That's what British people are to me. The cool ones are all the Jungle Book vultures. We went for a walk down by the river. Yeah, those guys. Just kind of like a guy that you could hit over the head with a hammer and nothing would happen.

It would be kind of cool to go do a genocide. I don't know. Maybe. It's a conscript. They're telling me we're going to go over there and we're going to shoot a bunch of them. I thought maybe it would just be nice to go to a new place just to see a new part of the world.

But what does it say? We've got to go shoot a bunch of people. So basically it's like kind of cool. a new part of the world but what does it say we gotta go shoot a bunch of people so basically it's like it's like Conoco basically what we're doing here is we're gonna

we've gotta kick all these Egyptians out to get their oil right but we gotta say it's cause we gotta say Tutankhamun's are buried right under

their house so they they may know that's not true they know he's in one of the pyramids of what all but uh it's just sort of a sort of a goofy thing we do and then we don't even drill for oil we just sort of uh just sort of pilfer we just we're not really the thing about it is we're not doing anything good for anybody

all over the world we're just not doing anything nice for anybody sort of evil sort of evil yeah fundamentally inherently evil have you ever met Scooby Doo

he's a silly he's a dog but he he's got some sort of supernatural ability. He can speak. We're bringing Scooby-Doo to all the Indians. They worship all sorts of tree creatures and the sun. He says rut row when something's wrong. I like it. It's not he'd fire an arrow

at me, good sir. It's not nice. You've split my friend's head open with a large piece of wood. Scooby-Doo ripping a guy's headdress off. Aha! a guy's headdress off.

Aha! I came all the way here on the river by boat to tell you about Scooby-Doo and you cleave my friend's head in twain with a piece of wood. He's a dog that talks. I thought maybe you'd be happy to hear of him after worshipping so many trees for so long.

Wow, thanks, Scooby. As it turns out, this villain was chief light and feet this whole time. He's just taking off the guy's headdress and the guy's face is the same. This bird monster,

we've been tracking him for days. I am a noble member of the... No, you're a ghost. You're some sort of creature. Birdman type creature. Birdman. Raggy. We gotta trade with them.

But we gotta make sure they get sick. I'm the girl with the red hair. Hey Daphne, what's going on? I put an arrow in my hole. Jesus, Daphne, come on dude. I like it.

Daphne, no. I have a sweater or something. I don't remember the show very well. Yeah, Daphne has the purple sort of pantsuit looking thing. And it's like a dress and it's got the collar. I'm the other girl, but I have the same voice as it turns out. You're Velma. She has the sweater and the glasses, yeah.

Yeah, no, Velma, we don't put arrows in our bodies. We're the gang you know we solve mysteries no that was Daphne you did that on Velma yeah you're right

but we don't okay so as long as you're not doing anything like that Velma what if her name was Daphne and she was funny uh that would

that would be pretty that would be pretty awesome yeah she could be like a jokester type instead of sort of like a ditzy... Yeah, but anyway, we're going to go in the mystery machine. Hey, what's up, Scoob? What's going on, dude?

We're going to get in the mystery machine and go solve some mysteries. That's kind of like the whole... I don't know who these guys are. What is this vehicle they've arrived in? It's some sort of carriage. Hey, British Army officer 1762. This is called a van.

Your hound is quite astute. Yeah, he talks. He talks, he eats big-ass sandwiches. He rolls with us. Typically, a lot of the hijinks we get into involve some sort of supernatural paranormal element and then we find out it's usually just

a guy. What are you guys doing out here? Oh, so you're witches. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Actually we hunt them. You know what we do to witches around here? No, no. We don't do anything.

We're busy. Oh, yeah. You guys got a lot going on. Other people, I'm not sure what the custom is with witches. I think maybe they have to make potions. Yeah, yeah. We had to hunt one time. Green ones.

Green or purple are the best potions. Yeah, they're viscous. They're thick. They bubble up. Yeah, we got it. We hunted a couple. Green or purple are the best potions. Yeah, they're viscous. They're thick. They bubble up. Yeah, we had a couple of run-ins with them for sure. Once in the swamps, Louisiana, and then one like the classic witch. Louisiana. Yeah.

You guys are going to get in that pretty soon. It's probably like 30 years, I think, for you guys. You're going to get in on that. I have no idea. Yeah, it's going to be think, for you guys. You're going to get in on that. I have no idea. Yeah, it's going to be pretty dope for you guys. You're going to get a fuck ton of land out of it. A fuck ton of land that sucks lower down, but it'll be cool later on. Much after you guys have died.

The Mississippi River notoriously had a huge loss of money with trade and everything. I wish there was a way to monetize it, but there is not. We've been trying to figure out a way how to make this river that runs the whole, basically the whole fucking place, how to make it profitable. Every time we put something in it, it goes all the way downstream and it's gone. It's gone. It won't come back.

People are saying, oh, you could use it to trade with the natives or perhaps to establish camps, but no. It's too much trouble. We think we might be able to use it as a parking lot. We're not sure. We think we might fill the river up with dirt. It was just rocks.

We might... We've been trying to stop it with chemicals, but it keeps going. We've been really trying to pollute and kill every fish in person that uses this river. It's just not where it's too big. We've been throwing all sorts of things into it. Metal, algae, runoff, you know. I've been ejecting my sperms into it. Metal, ergy, runoff, you know. I've been ejecting my sperms into it to swim the other way.

Reginald has been masturbating into it. An alarming amount, really. An amount at which you'd say you don't know how much you're actually contributing to the pollution. Over 70 times a day. Eventually nothing comes out. Each time it's only one sperm right it's mostly

sperms are singular Reginald was hit with a musket ball so he can only shoot one sperm per time but anyway

Fred you were telling me that you were hunting witches and that we also maybe would be interested in doing something similar what we're really interested in doing something similar.

What we're really interested in doing, maybe you can help us seeing as you have the stooped dog and you have the van is I would like to kill this river and kill everybody that uses it and all the fishes within the river. Yeah, that's pretty fucked up to think.

Owen Wilson? Owen Wilson? I didn't even i i don't know i mean you will eventually be a rather well-known man but thank you for joining the scooby-doo and the gang here for for a try we're trying to figure out how to do two things maybe you can help us here is the crossroads that we're at currently we want to pollute the mississippi river and kill everybody that uses it and kill the river and eventually the whole ocean. Which it is out to in the Mississippi River Delta. Fred and the gang want to hunt witches

out here and so Owen I was wondering if maybe you could help us help each other. You know what I mean? Well I was trying to do the Frank voice but I guess I ended up being Owen Wilson. Who's Frank?

Isn't Frank the Fred? That would be Fred, the blonde gentleman who leads the Scooby-Doo gang. His name is Fred. That's a whole different guy. I know, Owen. It is. I knew a Frank Fred. You is. I knew a Frank friend. You did. I read it.

Wait. Fred, Frankie Fred. Yeah, yeah. I knew that sounded familiar. It's Freddie, Frankie, Freddie, Frank.

He's on TV. What is a TV? Two Vs. Wow. Oh, and Wilson, I'm beginning to realize you've not been much of help at all to get to trying to pollute the river, kill everybody, invent the 4th of July

later on. This is awesome. And we're in Europe right now? No. We are... I've never been. You're not there. Currently you are roughly speaking

somewhere where the Mississippi River would be in the northeastern, midwestern part of the area. This is seriously so cool. It is interesting to enjoy it. It makes me want to whisper. If you look over there, I'm sure

if you're from, if you look over there, you'll see the Scooby-Doo gang. They're here somehow. Awesome. I love your hijinks. Yeah, we get into quite a bit of them, yeah, for sure. I hang out with this dog. Wait. Are you Frankie Fred?

No, no, no, no, no, no. I'm just a guy that hangs out with the gang. I don't really have a name. I just kind of of kicking with them. Another guy. Zoinkies. You know, like that guy. Yeah.

I sell him his heroin because they're like hippies or whatever. That's far out. There you go. So to the task it had, we're very interested in turning the river to green slime And I was just wondering Yeah we want to turn the river to green slime And kill all the fishes in it Look we're trying to do

The genocide that history Will eventually know us for And you're making it complicated Because we had an idea if we could poison the river Then we would kill everybody and we wouldn't have to go westward or invent Utah and we wouldn't have to invent Nevada

so on and so forth. So if you could find a way for us to just stop here at the Mississippi and we could kill everything then we could just go back to Britain and we could be British and we can eat cookies and we could fuck each

other and make us have bad teeth. Okay. Okay. You're a very helpful chap. I always thought genocide was no bueno, but maybe I was wrong.

Well, Brian. Anyway, Mr. Owen. Brian Wilson from the Beach Boys? Brian. I'd love to shake his hand. Well, he's not here. He might show up. I mean, it's such a motley crew we've kind of got here.

Motley crew? They're here too? They could be. It's very possible. They've got the song that's like, Live wire, I'm alive. You know? Listen, in the British Army in 17...

I always liked Hot for Teacher. That is not Motley Crue. That would be Van Halen. They're here too? No, but you never know. I didn't expect Scooby and them to come. But no, is Motley Crue's not here. I'm the girl and I always call them Bandhalen.

Because of what they are. Velma, thank you so much for weighing in. I thought you were so quiet earlier. I call them Bandhalen because that's what they do. And sometimes when they're playing, because they play so much nowadays, I call them band playing. Well, what's interesting, I

can see how all of you provide such you're so integral to your operation. Every one of you. Velma's so astute. You know, Shaggy, so friendly with the dog. And Scooby, of course, you being a doggy of great sniffing capabilities.

Ruffibophile! Ruffibophile! Sorry, I just... He says words sometimes we don't always know, because he speaks sometimes we don't know what he means, but he's very smart. Right.

It's interesting. I thought I heard him say a fever file. Rating and drug years. Sometimes he says things that he's heard from the TV and it doesn't always line up with what he believes. It's just something that comes out sort of like a parrot, but he's very smart.

That's it. This is Wonderland. What was that, Scooby? Scooby, one more time. Ripe little kid. Ripe tiny. That's not... He's not tiny He's about the size of a grown up Lady

He's a big dog Basically the perfect size for a grown up lady You may want to Address Scooby's Behavior In general it might get him into a bit of trouble. I mean, you're out... I like puppies.

Terrible. Awful Scooby. Everybody likes puppies. I do believe in the way he said it to look in his eyes. I always loved puppies. I like petting them. Thank you, Owen.

That's very... I really wanted you to speak up and stop what was happening between Velma and Scooby and me. Because I don't like the idea of Scooby-Doo being some sort of dog pedophile. Or a fever, whatever, you know,

thing you want to throw on the front of it. Does anybody here... Have we moved on from the genocide? We don't have to do it. We don't have to invent the Fourth of July. Well, if it needs to get done, I guess it couldn't hurt. I won't tell anybody.

Well, I... I wanted to just drive a point home that it will hurt. It will hurt probably if thinking sort of as a generational traumatic event, it'll probably hurt long after we're dead. Sort of the nature of the act and so on and so forth.

But if you are willing to go with it, Scooby, I think you'd be a great genocidal murderer. Oh, and I'm not too sure you have what it takes to be violent in that way. I've always been more of a beach bum type myself. Well, you are more than welcome to hang out on what is Cape Cod. Just sit over there and

drink. Cape Cod? That sounds fancy. You can go. That sounds real deal. Oh, and you don't have to do this. It's not for you. Scooby! I call him. He doesn't owe anything, Wilson, because he's debt-free.

Wow. Wow. Wow. Velma, once again... Instead of Owen, it's... He doesn't owe, so it's in Wilson. She's beautiful. In Wilson is what I call him, because there's no... I think... I don't want her to hear,

but I think we should make her sort of like a general, perhaps a strategist when we go to take other parts of this new land. I agree with you completely. She's brilliant. I'll bring the general up.

General, Velma, say what you were just saying now about Mr. Owen Wilson here. Well, I think because he doesn't owe anything, that instead of Owen Wilson, which is a bit of a misnomer, I think that his name, should the O should be taken out, as should the W and the E, and his name should be taken out. The W and the E in his name should be N. Wilson.

Because he doesn't owe anything. We're just N. I think we would like you to run our intelligence. Intelligence. Intelligence. O intelligence, Wilson. 100%. yes.

I couldn't have said it better myself. We want you to learn everything there is to learn about the Native Americans. We want you to learn the way they fight, the way they think. They fight like dogs. Fiercely. You said they fight...

They fight like... I guess that's what I said. I am an Iranian man who suddenly showed up for some reason. I'm going to leave. We're right here. You say they fight like dogs.

The Native Americans, they fight as... they gnash each other's teeth. Well, they... Sorry, I was looking at my dog phone. It's something I got from Scooby. And they fight like dogs because dogs can fight with their hands, and their feet, and their tails, and their mouths, and their tongues, and their teeth, and their eyes, and their ears, and their hind, and their front, and behind, and the glove, and the nose, and it's one, and it's every day that we're trying our best, and you put it to the function, your new leather vest and it's looking so awesome.

You feel like a possum. You feel like you're flossing and you feel like it's bouncing. Beautiful. Thank you, Velma, for showing. Ren aside. Right, bro. That, now, you might not believe it

general but that is a talking dog and he's a pedophile I said the same thing I said there's no pedophile he's sorry he's very he's very insistent

that we not use the term pedophile he's a pedophile right little puppy right little puppy he's insisting that he's not term pedophile. He's a pedophile. He's insisting that he's not a pedophile dog, but he keeps not making a good case for himself since he keeps insisting he likes

puppy dogs. I thought maybe he might like a teenager dog. Anyway. We've got a fucking team here. That's his male, okay. Male dog. And he his male... Okay. Male dog. And he's in heat, General.

And he's a bloodthirsty animal. And he's going to lead the charge against the natives. I think I might be in heat, too. Owen Wilson, I thought you found your way to... The movie. The whole cast from The Heat is here. Robert De Niro, Al Pacino, Val Kilmer, and Tom Sizemore. And I think there's another guy that I'm not quite remembering his name from the crew.

I think maybe he dies. I don't remember. Mr. Heat! Yeah, what's up? That's who's in the movie oh yeah yeah yeah Mr. Heat his name is Tim Heatman

right Velma thank you for pointing that out Tim Heatman here instead of Heat they should just call it movie because that's what it is you got a real firecracker here guys you guys are going to win this war for sure um you're gonna you're gonna take them all out this is the smartest woman i've ever met my

fucking life she immediately clocked that i was mr heat and then she also immediately clocked that we should have named the movie Movie, because that's what it is. Why name it Heat? Because Heat is something else. It's something with the hair. Right, right, right. And a lot of people in Alaska went to see the movie because they thought it would be warm in there.

Yeah, and that would explain the poor box office performance. It was a regular theater. We really thought Fairbanks was going to do good, and then they realized it was, you know, sort of a hostage heist movie, and really just a tale of just two dedicated men, but didn't provide them any warmth, and so we kind of flopped out there. Yeah, might as well have been called Sleet. I think maybe we could have done, like sort of a location specific release for that.

Yeah. Probably. And again, that's why I think it's great that they brought you on to be the sort of the brains behind this operation of doing the genocide. So you guys want to do July 4th. Like you want to make it a thing.

But in order to do that, you need to eventually become America and then, you know, kill a whole bunch of innocent people my idea is you guys have a revolution in like 15-16 years okay and you guys

do how you guys been doing this like you guys were doing this feudalism thing back there that shit's out it's gay as hell you guys are gonna do the different type of economic system it's already 15 year olds yeah going to do the different type of economic system. 15-year-olds? Yeah.

No, Scooby, no, no, no. I was talking about making America the economic system that kind of comes... I understand you are very preoccupied with the idea of young teenagers and you wanting to haveied with the idea of of young teenagers and you wanting to have sex with them scooby i but i'm trying to get these guys on the fast track making july 4th this is all i'm trying to do so yeah so you can you can continue to think about the children but just let me just let me work my thing okay i'm tim heatman you want to do genocide

you're going to want to become a country you're going to want to invent um different types of guns you take what you have and make them shoot more things and you do a whole bunch of nasty stuff and that's pretty much it and then one day uh one day you're going to drop a big-ass bomb on a bunch of people and basically all the shit you're doing now you're going to drop a big-ass bomb on a bunch of people. And basically, all the shit you're doing now, you're going to get to do the whole time. You're never going to stop. It's going to be super easy for you guys. Really, you guys have nothing to worry about.

I know you're going to die because it's just 1760, but you guys are going to be good. You're going to win whatever, everything. Okay. Do we have to have sex with everybody? No, you don't have to. I mean, you don't have to if you don't want. I think if I want to do mass murder, I think I'd like to at least have a little bit of sex.

What do you think, Scooby? I'd like that. I figured you would. Maybe with Bobby. Really, Bobby. Now that's where I draw the line. That's where I would have to say that you can't. Nobody's going to. Well, maybe just a little bit. that's where I would have to say that you can't nobody's gonna

well maybe just a little bit I don't care you can have my son I'm depressed it's over Hank face it the the Algonquin tribe is collapsing

thankfully I have extra tents made for us the Algonquin tribe is collapsing. Thankfully, I have extra tents made for us. Well, he's good, Britt. Take this piece of elk jerky. Thank you, Dale. It's so nice to be out here on the frontier with you, just about to do the Native American genocide. You know, I never thought I'd be out here with a friend just looking over the Potomac

and thinking about maybe one day that this could all be mine. Get one of them old brain dancers. I'm going to Get some of them. My rain come down. Help the agriculture. The crops come right up. Come right up. The rain guys help that out.

Boom Hire's been studying the nature of how these people operate. They do prey to the clouds. So they should be easy to kill. Now Hank Hill Hill I am sick of gathering I want to hunt 10,000 BC Hank

now I'm going to go out does not gather my mother was a hunter her mother was a hunter ooga Peggy? I gotta go up. Peggy of the hill. Peggy of the hill, ooga booga.

Me and eight of my friends are going to go hunt a big-ass animal, and six of us are going to die. And that's that. And Bobby's going to stay here, and he's going to die of some sort of illness that we don't understand yet is that dad I want to do agriculture you will not do agriculture it will lead to the downfall and death of humanity it will lead to the birth of Empire you will not do agriculture Bobby do not

Bobby do not talk to that serpent. Do not let him lead you into building agriculture next to a river. We are nomadic people. Hank Hill, why you borrow my spear and never give it back? Well, Con, we do. You say you borrow my spear for one hunt. Three hunts, you never bring back spear. We do simple trade, Oogahonk.

I, Oogahonk, give you Nisluan. You give me spear. Oogakon, equal trade. You have wife slave. I have spirit with which to hunt Mastodon. She no good. She only cave paint. Never gather.

Me want spear back. There's this new thing that Peggy's been talking about where the girls go out to hunt, and Bob is talking about putting seeds in the ground to grow something he calls agriculture. Your boy is sick in the head. I agree. I think we should kill him with a large stone. I don't like the idea of staying in one spot and not killing things with

a spear. And I think maybe agriculture could lead to ultimately the death of everybody. So I suggest that me and you kill and eat my son. And then we can sort out this spear fiasco. What say you? Ooga Kong?

And kill West's son go at night. Bobby or the large glowing ball in the sky? The latter. The latter. the latter. Well, current theories are that he is but one brother of Brother Moon. And when he goes to rest, Brother Moon takes his place.

But this is up for much debate. Okay, thank you. You're welcome. you're welcome and that was the story of cave Hank Hill 10,000 BC Hank Hill dude the Ice Age must have fucking sucked so goddamn bad

like I know that all the fucking like I wouldn't I hate the fucking Steve and Pinker guys all these fuckers that are like I think Malcolm Gladwell's one of these guys too or it's like actually

now is the best time to be alive they're very kind of like that whole book or whatever I think that Pinker wrote because it's like the whole book is like Genghis Khan used to cut people's looms off and rape ladies aren't you glad you're not that uh that doesn't change anything about uh that sounds awesome to me what the fuck yeah i've missed out on a dope ass time

um also yeah like why why did why i mean was he just that scary? Like, damn, you know what I mean? Damn, y'all, he must have been scary as hell. Talking about, you're going to let him whoop on you like that. Take your scalp, fuck. Yo, Hitler, shut up. Yeah, nobody told his little ass, goofy ass mustache. Shut up, bitch. That's what I would have said to him.

I would have said, shut up, bitch. Bitch ass, bitch. That's what I would have said to him. I would have said, shut up, bitch. It's your goofy ass. Bitch ass, boy. Oh, fucking god damn it. Boy, get your ugly ass mustache out of my face. Hot pocket built ass. Bitch ass, little boy. Bitch ass, little fuckers.

Boy, get your trifling ass, trifling oiled up ass out of my face. Chewbacca mustache, fucking. Oh, you're going to try to make me step in unison? The fuck up out of here, you goofy ass motherfucker. Get them. Hey, look. Adolf, boy, get them white ass toes out of my face, you loser. Get that big booty out of here.

Yeah, you fucking tweaking big booty ass. You gotta stop taking them pills, Hit. They gonna fuck you up. You're gonna die. The Red Army's gonna fuck you up. You're a loser. Where's that white bitch you be walking around with? The one wearing a dress. She got a dog.

Boy, if you don't get your ass back to art school. Hindenburg. My boy was at Riz D talking about we got to do a genocide. Come on. You better get that. You better go fucking get some graph paper, boy. Hey, listen. I'm Hindenburg.

I'm old as shit. But I don't want no castle paint motherfucker coming up on here talking about, oh, I Hey, listen. I'm Henneberg. I'm old as shit, but I don't want no castle painting motherfucker coming up on here talking about, oh, I'm a damn. I'm old as hell. Saying you're going to run Germany. Saying you're going to make a whole new type of German. Saying we from fucking Ice Kings and shit.

Hell no. I ain't fucking with it. Get your little ass back on there, Hitler. Back on down the road. Back on down. You ain't even German. We mad at you as hell for that. You're Austrian. And you're ugly.

And history will say you got a little ass dick. And your breath stank. Your breath stank because you always been on them fucking always. Hitler, your breath stank. Get out of here. Breath loud as hell, boy. That's why I would have been the guy at the rally that says, oh my gosh, whose breath is that? That stinks.

Is that Hitler's? And then everybody leaves. You guys are trying to seek hell. They're just like, dude, shut up. He's trying to pay fucking respect. Nah, somebody stank here. Somebody booty stank. Shut up, dude.

He's right there. Stop. Hitler, did you not brush your mustache? He always brushes his mustache. Leave Hitler alone. I don't think he brushes his mustache. Hitler always has a fear. He's a furor.

He brushes his mustache. I don't think he washes his uniform. It smells gross. Smells like cumin. Uniform. Are you suddenly in Chicago? It smells gross. Smells like cumin. Hitler likes Indian food. Okay. It's fine.

We can't let anybody know because he's Hitler. He's an Aryan guy. Can't let people know he likes foreign spices. Hitler, I heard you stank. And I heard you can't ball. Hitler, I heard you get no bread at all. And you're the fury. Hitler, I heard you got a weak-ass jumper.

Hitler, I heard you got your ankles broke. By Officer Feldman. You mind explaining that? Yeah, Feldman. Yeah. Think about that for a while. Think about it. You're going to let a motherfucker named Feldman break your shit?

Just break your ankles off. Taylor, I saw you in a Yankees fitted, and it didn't fit on your head. It was too big, and it was the smallest one they had. Yeah, you got to fuck. Oh, shit. That's a bad look. Broke-ass boy. Taylor, I saw you at Walmart With your baby mama

And she was telling you What to do And you were She was telling you What to put in the car And you were doing And you were saying Yes ma'am

Hitler I heard that you get Only fucking One hoe And she just Boring as hell She just walk around Filled with flowers and shit

she don't even fucking throw it back on that nasty nasty style like the mother motherfuckers do hey lara i got stuck in line at family dollar because you were up there using all the damn coupons arguing with the cashier about whether you could buy 87 bottles of tide laundry detergent for 10 cents and she said we don't have that many bottles. And you said, go check the back again. And she did, and they didn't. And you showed up the next time, and you were getting all those coupons again. Your clothes still stank.

And I know that ain't right, because I saw you get 87 bottles of Tide. Would you drink them all? Hit a little. Hit a lot. Would you drink them all? Hitler. Hitler. Hitler. Dumbass motherfucker. Talking about... Hitler, my cousin beat you on 2K for seven hours straight.

Talking about building a big-ass bell. You're going to use... You would only use John Havlicek and Larry Bird. You got two people on your team. I really don't only know who one of those guys is, so I don't know the other guy. That's okay. Hitler. We could say Dirk and Jokic and Donchik.

Dirk Nowitzki. And who else? LeBron James and his son. Peyton and who else? Peyton who? Peyton basketball? The guy that just died. Peyton football.

Wait, was that Bill? Peyton full. Bill Peyton? Fuck if I was that Bill? Peyton fool. Bill Peyton? Fuck if I know, big doggy. I think it might have been. It might have been something else, but, you know, that's okay. People don't come here for sports knowledge or any knowledge, you know. They come.

They come for a lack thereof. They come for guys who know less than the average person about everything. You want to learn something? Go somewhere else. Listen to literally anything else. But if you want if you want if you're

looking for guys who maybe they don't know things but maybe they could make things up better than anybody yeah you know yeah um i was talking to i was actually talking to a member of the roosevelt family about that recently is sometimes the best history is the types that you can't see or know about right right. You ever think about that? Yeah, all the time. Yeah, I know you have. If I don't know something

and I'm just kind of out and about somewhere, you can just say whatever you want. Most people won't say anything. You can say, yeah, Abraham Lincoln invented the rifle.

Nobody's going to say anything to you. Especially not if you have a little bit of blood on you. Yeah. You know what I mean? He said, did you know that Abraham Lincoln was so passionate about slavery

because whenever he was born into slavery? Yeah, he was a slave. That's why he won. And you go, no, I don't. Yes, that is true. Yep, that's true. Did you know that the 2008 housing market crash was caused by,

it was indirectly caused by Shakira and Pitbull. Interesting. Wow. Yeah, I made that up. But could you imagine if that were true? That would be really something. We don't got to make stuff up anymore because this is the freaking last season of the world, dude. The writers, yeah, they're going crazy.

Yeah. It's the world, dude. The writers, yeah, they're going crazy. Yeah. It's the freaking, yeah. Welcome to the cool zone. Yeah. Yeah. Me, Kamala Harris, Pete Buttigieg,

and Hillary are all in a big ass van taking bong rips and eating honey buns and counting down the days till this motherfucker blows. Yep. If you're wondering what's crazier than a crazy-ass little bug, I would have to go and say the last season of America starring me in My Little Life. Yeah. season of of the uh america starring me in my little life yeah people are watching the bear with jeremy allen white but soon they're going to be scared and barely holding on to their life yeah yeah yeah for sure. A hundred percent.

Holla. Holla. Gaba, gaba, gaba. I'm working on a catchphrase. I don't think gaba, gaba, gaba is the one to go with. Don't like it too much. Hinga, dinga, dinga. That is way worse.

Way worse. Kind of sounds racial. That was very, yeah. Especially that third one was kind of. Well, it was two dingas, but I kind of slurred it. And it sounded close to. You slurred it for sure. Yeah, for sure, man.

I'm going to actually not bleep that. I'm going to turn that third one up way louder in post. I'm just going to make it blow everybody's cards. If you bleeped it, it would be worse because I didn't say anything bad. But, you know, people twist words all the time nowadays. Thankfully, it's a free episode. So, you know, several thousand people would hear that. 10,000 people, 11 maybe would hear it.

How about Baba Booey? Is that better? I say it all the time. It's a great one. Yeah, it's great. Well, if you say it, I'm not going to. How about Gringus dingus well the thing about the thing about a catchphrase is i would need to know what

context in which you would say gringus dingus absolute joke oh okay so you go up on you know for example all right people are watching the bear with j Allen White, but soon they're going to be scared and barely holding on to their life. And gringus dingus. Yeah, honestly, man. Or maybe I might go back to Dalla Dalla Bill. Dalla Dalla Bill, y'all, was a good one. If y'all ain't laughing,'all ain't laughing i'm shocked that's a classic what about uh what about you just you know you hit the punch line or like maybe you do a callback or whatever and you just go scrambled eggs just like

that yeah just scrambled eggs oh yeah and then i went back and i said where the hell the where where girl we need some more eggs Scrambled eggs Dollar dollar bill Gringas dingas Shabba dabba dabba Y'all ain't laughing Shabba dabba dabba Scrambled eggs

Gringas dingas I'm shocked Dollar dollar bill Open mic And it's like a three minute mic and you only have time to do like two jokes because at the end of every joke you it's like a one minute no you do like a you do like a one-liner dude like you do like you do like orange you glad I didn't say banana gringus dingus scrambled eggs dollar dollar bill y'all y'all 11 i'm laughing? I'm shocked. Shama lama ding dong. Gringus dingus.

Fucking eight minutes, dude. Everybody, we got Thomas White coming up. Pardon my French. Pardon my English. Pardon me. Thank you. Come again. Check, please.

Dollar dollar bill. Y'all ain't laughing? I'm shocked. Gringus dingus scrambled eggs scrambled don't hurt him tom what that's a good one don't hurt him tom don't hey don't kill him tommy one. Don't hurt him, Tom. Hey, don't kill him, Tommy. Don't hurt him, Tom. Yeah, so get this.

My uncle was a genie growing up, but we just use him as a lamp. Don't hurt him, Tom. Okay. Yeah, I like that one. Dollar dollar bill. Scramble dags. Gringas dingas. Scramble dags. Gringas dingas. Scramble dags.

Hey, guys, I'm just trying. Come back for more every time.com. Dollar, dollar bill. Gringas dingas. Don't push me because I'm close to the scrambled eggs. Dollar, dollar bill.com. Y'all ain't laughing. I'm shocked. Gringas, dingas.

Ladies and gentlemen, please give it up for your next comedian, the very funny and the host of Padeo Time, Thomas White, everybody. You sound like a million people. This is Madison Square Garden. I'm doing five minutes of Madison Square Garden. It costs like a million dollars to turn the lights on there. That's an open mic at MSG. You guys ready for your headliner tonight? He's going to do two minutes for you guys and go back to his house

because he hates this job and he hates this life. Ladies and gentlemen, give it up for Thomas White. So I was at the pharmacy the other day, and something happened to me. I got in line, and they said, ID? And I said, yes, please. Dollar, dollar bill. Gringas, dingas. Scrambled eggs.

Don't hurt them, Tom. Come and cash that check and grab that brick and you're back in line. Hey. Hey, bada bada. Dollar dollar bill. Scrambled eggs. Gringus dingus. Don't hurt them, Tom.

Hey, hey, hey. I'm Fat Albert. The machine. Ladies and gentlemen, I hope you guys had a great time tonight. Please remember to tip your bartenders. That was Thomas' Netflix special, Scrambled Eggs. Yeah. Yeah, being a comedian is hard.

Honestly, how does it feel to be pushing the boundaries of comedy every single day jake is it good for you yeah let me tell you uh i've been doing a lot of writing i've been doing a lot of shows and i've been doing a fuck ton of stand-up and i've been just really putting myself out there um yeah and so to being on but like just kind of being like just the new face of comedy is awesome because there's so many guys are like i'm gonna go on fucking joe rogan and kill tony and i'm gonna be millionaire i went on there a thousand times i haven't made any money because i don't want the money joe's like please come on the show i said no you know what i mean because i'm thanks i say no thanks joe you fascist awesome

if he invited you on and you said no i would be so mad i just big dogged him i got work that day nah dude i really like like i kind of like disagree with you a lot on stuff and i just really think you're like a bad guy so i won't be coming on your show I know that it will probably hey Gringus Dingus and you hang up scrambled eggs click fucking Shane Gillis is texting hey dude

Joe said he was gonna have you on and you just said scrambled eggs Gringus Dingus Sebastian hey man look

this is a new era of your career so you just you know you guys work really hard. So we're going to give you the Netflix show. You're going to do a season. We just want it to be like the sketch.

Don't get too nervous about making it funny. Just be funny. You fellas understand? Yeah, I know. Thanks. Scrambled eggs. Gringus dingus. I'm good, bro.

I don't want to fucking make TV shows. I want to be a fucking working man. I'm working on something right now. Not TV shows. By working on it, I mean I'm working on a new five-minute set. And I think when this five-minute set hits the world, a lot of things are going to change. Yeah, of course.

I'm going to have the first five-minute comedy special. Mm-hmm. And you thought that, you know, you thought Eddie Murphy was funny. You thought Richard Pryor was funny. You know, you thought Nanette was good. When this hits the shelves, I think it's going to be the first woke, anti-woke comedy. Okay. So it's going to be woke, and it's also going to be anti-woke.

And it's going to bridge the gap between the two. Okay. It's going to be called Bro, like Bro and then a dash and then K-E. Okay. Bro. Like bro and then a dash and then K-E. And I'm going to do it at Madison Square Garden tonight. Oh, shit. You already made it to the garden. Do you believe in me? Do you believe in me?

Yeah, dude. I believe if I run fast enough, I can fucking get through any security. And I'm going to do it at Madison Square Garden tonight. Listen, man. I don't care what they got planned something's happening there tonight you know what i mean of course of course man yeah i don't like it when your friends say stuff like that yeah yeah yeah basically i'm gonna be a millionaire tonight

there was a guy i knew in college who uh he had like a like a nervous breakdown and uh he's fine now he's got a normal ass life uh good a good life he's he's doing really good happy for him but anyway he uh he went to like all of the sky rises in austin um like the like the uh brody and like all the you know like all the fucking millionaire condos or whatever the fuck. Whatever. Penthouses. And he went to the floor where it's just the concierge. It's just a college kid working.

And he was like, yeah, I'm buying that one up top. And he was calling us. He was like, yeah, you guys got to come party tonight. We got to go. He was just completely like just gone or whatever. He's just like too many drugs or whatever. He was just completely gone or whatever. Too many drugs or whatever. He was calling people and he was telling us, oh yeah, I'm going to get to penthouses. We were like, we got to get this.

Got to get Ryan's milk. He was bouncing around town and apparently he went to the Ferrari dealership. I didn't hear about any of this, but he told me about it. He didn't call him on the phone. It was just like, you know, the Ferrari dealership and asked for an Enzo.

And then they like call the police because he was like nervous breakdown. And he just like said it just left or whatever. And I was like, that's fucking, it's scary to have that happen. But like, what if they would have just like, just, you just walk up to a big penthouse and you're like, I live up there. And the guy's like, he doesn't care. The guy, whatever. Like, do you just get to have it?

Is it squatters? Right. It it's not but i don't know yeah it was a terrifying that would be cool you know you think about it yeah that's the type of confidence that you need to have your whole life you know what i mean bipolar schizophrenia yeah yeah yeah yeah he was just like he was just completely like obsessed there for a while and i don't mean obsessed like he was just like, he was just completely like obsessed there for a while. And I don't mean obsessed. Like he was just like not, he was very mentally unwell. He was like, yeah, dude, I went to the fucking, I went to the steakhouse and I bought fucking

everybody's dinner, dude. I'd be like, all right, man. He's been drinking beer at a house party. Like, yeah, dude. So things have been looking super good for me. I'm like, fuck. He's, you know, I don't know if it's considered manic when you have severe psychosis. I think it is.

I only had that happen one time to me. Or actually more than once, but really bad one time. Yeah, I used to always tell people I had an album coming out. Really? Yeah. But I think that was just sort of a prank also. I don't know i told i uh i have a vague memory of being in new york one time and telling a bunch of people and this is when i was like

i thought it was a good idea to take lithium and saraquil and uh abilify and then just do like a bunch of cocaine and then uh yeah go nuts and i was i remember vaguely remember telling people at this bar that i was on a tv show and there was like hidden cameras everywhere and that they were on tv too and everybody was like cool man that's awesome nobody punched me in my face nobody i just i feel like that's something if a crazy guy's like you're on tv right now you know that's probably whatever but i was just completely gone i was like there's a camera behind the bar there's a camera over there in the bathroom and i'm the host of the show and he's

just hanging around everywhere and i really only remember this from like a vague memory and then like my you know one of my friends being like you were telling people you were a host of a tv show last night and i was like oh yeah mentally not good not doing too hot or whatever the fuck some girls like oh my gosh he's he was recording this whole time that's so hot yeah well i think it was funny as i was when i was huge when i was a big fat guy so it's just this big fat guy and i wasn't buying clothes that fit so big fat guy small shirt small jeans zipper undone, blood pressure's too high. Lithium will do that to you. Telling you that you're on TV with him.

You're just trying to have a drink in Williamsburg. He's just coming up to you right next to the bar, putting his arm around you. He's like, dude, you're on TV right now. I made a lot of friends when I was there. People liked to have me around. Yeah, I bet. People were like, god damn, please invite him around more. Went to my buddy's. I'm making so of friends when I was there. People liked to have me around. Yeah, I bet. People were like, God damn, please invite him around more. Went to my buddy's place.

So many friends here. Yeah. In Bed-Stuy. Dude, people are happy that I'm here. Yeah, of course. Yeah, yeah. That I have moved in to this historically black neighborhood. Everybody's like, dude, it's awesome that you live here now instead of a family of five where nobody's staying.

But it's okay. Nobody's actually confronted me about it. I just feel guilty as a white man. I mean, here's the thing, brother. I can't afford to live anywhere. You know what I mean? I can't afford to you know what, I can't afford to live anywhere. You know what I mean? Me neither. I can't afford to live anywhere, dude.

Like, I can't, like, I can't afford to live anywhere. Like, I, my laptop's on like 6%, by the way. We can go a little longer. Yeah, I can't afford to live anywhere. And so, sometimes people,

like, I, yes, like, how do I phrase this like the gentrification station houses like the big bay windows with like

the Garamond address font and the fucking big ass black door and the white kind of fucking big ass driveway and shit

it's like I can't afford that either I don't yeah and then I meet people who can't afford it. There's a fucking like every fourth person you meet in Austin.

I'm like, you're a different. This is me being stupid. You're a different type of guy than me. I understand that we're both white morons, but you're like a super saiyan. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. Like you have powers. How did you get all that money to

buy that house did you inherit it if you did i hate by being a good christian i think yeah probably you know what i mean yeah um if you're listening to this that means that my laptop's about to die and i want to get uh at all good to go before it does. So if you're listening to this, that means... Check out the Patreon. Patreon.com slash PendejoTime. Throw us a little bit of cheese. A dollar doesn't get you any episodes,

but you get Discord access. Five bucks gets you a goddamn free bonus episode a week. Ten bucks gets you a free video episode. We're about to film those. I'm about to fly to fucking New York City here in a few days. July 11th,

not this, not today, I i guess but in one week from today when this comes out uh we'll be at eastville in brooklyn um please buy your tickets online um we are not getting any of the door sales because they hate white men in New York City. Yeah, they're not. Yeah, also don't. I will say this, too. If you buy any of the fucking, like, packages, like VIP or, like, front row, we don't get any of that. We get 50-50.

Yeah, and also it almost certainly means nothing. Like, they're just taking that money. You know what I mean? Yes, yes. There's no way. It's not that big of a place. I guarantee if you pay fucking 45 bucks for VIP, they will take a nice $20 bill and put it up your ass,

which is fine. But just use that money for a drink or something. Who gives a fuck about VIP package? I want to let you know that there is no... We'll say hi after. Yes, yes.

Exactly. That's why I brought it up. If you come, we will say hi after. We'll have merch for sale. You don't need to pay VIP to get merch first or something. We're offering nothing.

There's no benefits past the $25 is what we're saying. Yeah, nothing. If you've bought one of those tickets already, there are a ton of benefits. No, I'm trying to make it very clear that I don't understand what they're doing, but it's a great club everybody's super nice it works there i'm sure yeah everybody um it's one of our favorite clubs that we've done business with in new york city in brooklyn um in 2020 in july of 2024 and we're so excited to put on this show for you guys we are excited to put on the show that part is true that part is very

true that part is true the chic Chicago show is kick-ass. I know some of you guys are fucking traveling for it. But yeah, tickets are online. This show is going to be good. Eastville.com. Just search Eastville.com, Padejo Time. The link is also on our Twitters. It's also in the Instagram bio of Padejo Time Worldwide, I do think.

Also, I think I posted it in the Patreon. But Pendejo Time Worldwide, I do think. Also, I think I posted it in the Patreon, but if not, I will check, see if I did. Yeah, come out to that.

Subscribe to the show and we will see you soon at the New York show. All right. Sounds good. Goodbye.