Pendejo Time - The Bards of North Texas

Episode Date: December 7, 2023

Boosting the morale of millwrights, pipe fitters,  welders, and alcoholics through sweet song and dashing dance. Support the Show.

happy uh happy wednesday hey thomas happy wednesday man happy wednesday it'll be thursday when this comes out i know i know we're recording in advance this isn't live but deal with it bozos yeah um you know we're trying to run a fucking business over here and when you guys you guys send in so many letters and complaints all the time saying oh thomas needs to thomas needs a new microphone why is thomas mowing the lawn while he records a podcast why is why is jake eating why is jake recording at a hibachi place that's not good why is his microphone on the skillet? Why did he think that was funny? Why is Thomas always saying my social security number on the podcast?

People come in with complaints like that, and at the end of the day, this is a business overall. Just like the NBA, just like the NFL, just like WWE, we're a franchise. And what we do is we expand. And if your social security number is going to get us money, we're going to find it. Oh, we got a really wonderful ad opportunity. I didn't tell you. It's for another podcast. And we get one penny for every download they get. Bad opportunity. I didn't tell you. It's for another podcast.

And we get one penny for every download they get. I wanted to run that by you because that is a lot of money. And so I just wanted to get your thoughts. So every download they get, we get 1.3 cents. So it was offered to us. Is it a big podcast? No. so uh it was offered to us is it a big podcast no or so like like podcasts that are like that want to get bigger they will like reach out to other like middling or larger podcasts to like um get some of their audience to share i suppose that's kind of how it works and uh so i got like an email that was like uh this podcast like three cool ass guys they want to offer like a one point whatever a sense per download

so anyway i figured you know if we could get them like 60 downloads then that's yeah that would be that'd be good money that would subsidize some of your candy budget that you really have been struggling to keep under tabs yeah i mean you know imagine if somebody made a podcast that got a trillion downloads yeah yeah then that's like a billion dollars something like that yeah maybe even a million when you know when we started out we remember we got zero downloads for the first 20 years we did the show nobody checked it out yeah hated it. And now we've been doing it about 2,500, 7,500 years. For a long time, yeah. And we get, what, 200 million listeners every minute? Yeah, we do 50 episodes an hour.

It's all about content. You've got to make as much content as humanly possible. hour uh it's all about content you got to make as much content as humanly possible would you start a podcast with mr beast and also ninja from fortnite if they reached out to you well my thing would you leave me in the dust to instantly because you would instantly become rich off that yeah you would become rich you would become rich within a day of starting that podcast yeah if their only stipulation was like you have to – not only do you have to leave Thomas, you have to publicly denounce. You have to delete his phone number. Yeah, yeah.

You guys can never speak again, and you have to actually go on the show and say that you guys were never friends. Yeah. I don't think I could do that to you, man. I would definitely do it to you. I would let the money change me for sure. Yeah, yeah. I would get a big-ass chain that just said, fuck Jake. Yeah, you're just making up all sorts of stories.

I literally can't work anywhere. Yeah. Ever since Jake's webcam fell and I saw the bat sucking his dick while he was recording, I didn't feel comfortable being in the same room as him, Jake's webcam fell and I saw the bat sucking his dick while he was recording. I just couldn't. I didn't feel comfortable being in the same room as him. And I didn't feel like any girl bats should either. You leak a very poorly scanned photocopy of the Epstein Black Book from 1999. And you're like, Jake was five years old, but he was on the plane.

I don't think he was a victim either. I'm pretty sure. I mean, it's easy to think that he was, you know, in that situation, not partaking. But I have my suspicions that he was him and Bill Clinton and, you know, all those guys. Yeah, they had a playroom on the jet like the old McDonald's. He was the first toddler that they let interact and then let have the kind of fun that those guys like to have at that point i don't know if it's necessarily pedophilia um but that's a question for jake uh not for me yeah

yeah i would probably do something like that too what if it was mr beast ninja and btk it was mr beast ninja and um pewdiepie so then it's like all three of like your biggest heroes yeah guys that i look up to and want to emulate um i don't know what we have to talk about i think i would have too much trouble not fangirling you know what i mean like not being like wow yeah so nordic and racist wow mr beast you're so autistic wow ninja i would probably wear a diaper if i recorded with them just in case like something came out of me uh do you think you would i would i wear an adult diaper just to just in case yeah honestly and honestly I don't mean to brag or anything but I'd probably have to wear like a big

grown up diaper and then like a baby diaper just for my dick just for your dick yeah like just wrapped around taped up like I hurt my thumb yeah you've got like gauze and a little metal support yeah

so you're wearing a cock cage and a little metal support. Yeah. And everything around it. So you're wearing a cock cage and a diaper around Mr. Beast, PewDiePie. I would just so they know like I'm professional. Okay. And I would have a suit over it and it would stick out like six inches all around my body. Sort of like one of those hoops that women used to wear when they had the big dresses with the barrel type thing. Okay. But instead, it's just a giant container, big Tupperware basically for all the cum and possibly shit and piss that comes out of me while we record. Right.

What do you think of that? Do you think you would do something similar? Right. right do you think you would do something similar right well i first of all i would like i just want to say i appreciate you being so forthcoming and how excited you would be to do that show with them that it would lead you to um secrete various bodily fluids out out of just pure excitement pure just exhilaration you know that you'd piss shit and come if you got to be on a show with those three guys uh second of all you know what i don't know i feel like maybe i have a little bit more of like a mature approach to celebrities than you do so i probably would just i probably don't i would only just have to wear like a condom or something just just in case do

you think like to you know to become famous because a lot of people have to do stuff with this would you run a train on a little person with adam 22 charleston white and adolf hitler so hold on so for me to get famous like for me to get blow up so you get famous yeah and then what am i like a comedian am i do i write for tv like what am i it's for it's for an internship okay like like it funny or die yeah it's for it's for h3h3 yeah you're you're an intern at college humor um first of all here's the thing i don't know if i could be in the same room sexually as charleston white he just strikes me as a guy who really brings the fucking energy.

You know what I'm saying? Adam 22, I think, he's just all smoke. He's all show and no go. So I think that wouldn't be too much of a problem. He's all dick and tattoos is what he is. Yeah, and then lastly, I don't know if I could... I don't know if I could get it up around Hitler. I think I'd have too many questions.

You know what I mean? Like, I'd be too distracted. I guess. What if it got harder than usual? Would you admit that? Yeah, like, just insane. Like, immediately. Like, I probably have some questions

to ask myself and some answers that I'd have to dig for. Yeah. And also since it's a little person, you guys are going to be really close together. Yeah, that's unfortunate. Like whisper distance. Yeah, that's not good. This is basically going to look like a prayer circle from a distance. Like a football huddle.

Yeah. With me, Hitler, Adam 22, Charleston White. Yeah. Just huddled up together. Come on three. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Adam 22. Adam 22.

Yeah, I don't know. I think the type of stuff that people have to do to make it in hollywood i think is a little more tame than that yeah you just have to be part of some sort of sex crime right i uh it sort of reminds me of my new parody podcast i'm working on. Okay. It's called No Thumper and it's hosted by Rabbit22. Great. Do you like that one? Yeah, I do like that. I had one that I was working on too called Humper22.

It's where we all have sex with Adam22. It's less of a podcast and more of just an audio sexual experience. Yeah. How about No Bumper is how hood bitches be driving? Chris. What do you think of that? Am I allowed to say that? Probably not.

That's okay. What about No Bumper and we beat the shit out of a retarded guy and we recorded over this yeah yeah that's better than what i said for sure that's less that's less problematic for sure that right yeah that's that's easier to defend um how about no grumper and we just make a bunch of people smile okay very good now that's a nice palate cleanser uh yeah no grumper? Let's just make a bunch of people smile. Okay, very good. That's a nice palate cleanser. Yeah, no grumper. Hey, welcome to the No Grumper Podcast.

We're all smiles here, folks. Let's see here. No jumper. Stay with me. And we talk people out of suicide as they're about to do it. I like that. How about – okay, go ahead. No, and basically as guys go to kill themselves, we talk about hip-hop with them and kind of like the origin of the genre.

cadence and flow and like you know the the vast array of characters in the you know chicago crime world uh that they decide not to kill themselves nice nice my idea was nose bumper and each guest is locked in a dark room with a gun held to their head and they have to do an eight ball in a sitting with a gun held to their head, and they have to do an eight ball in a sitting, or they get shot. And you only get an hour. Man, an eight ball in an hour, some guys, that's no problem. I think maybe you've got to up the stakes. But this is going to be like kids. Okay, so you are locking a child in a room with three and a half grams of blow.

Yeah. And you say, finish this in an hour or I kill you. This doesn't really sound like a podcast, Thomas. Yeah, it's going to be on YouTube and probably like Fox. I imagine it will be on all the big channels. Maybe an HBO thing. Okay. Okay.

The Barstool picks it up, kind of like a big syndicated. Right, right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Right. What would the, I guess, the sponsors be for Nose Bumper? Our first sponsor that reached out was actually a foam insulation company based out of Louisville, Texas. And they said they've been family-owned 25 years. They specialize in metal buildings, but any foam insulation, they can do it.

They can knock it out for a fair price. And this is sound-deadening insulation, I'm assuming, not for weather or – It's whatever you need. Okay, gotcha. And owned by a guy named Ron, good guy. He and his son, the devil, they've got a good business doing foam insulation. They reached out.

They gave us... They actually pay us in balloons. That one's not super profitable yet, but we've gotten about 25 balloons so far. We just kind of hang them in the in the nose bumper office uh which it sucks because you can't see them we haven't gotten a

uh an electricity sponsor yet but we got hella foam insulation we keep our we don't have refrigeration yet so we just keep all our food in foam until lunch and it stays cold. You guys do business with Goat Humper, correct? Yeah, Goat Humper. That is actually based out of Jake's apartment. And we have partnered directly with Jake to bring some of the best goat humping content live to Nickelodeon

for children. That's good. That's awesome. I like that type of shit. Also, also Woke also uh uh woke um woke uh gender is another one we've started great and it's been you know um i would love to hear all about that one for sure it's basically it helps keep you awake no matter what your gender is okay it's it's caffeine pills did you see that they're doing a reality TV show with him and his wife

Adam Adam 22 so it's like The Bachelor but it's it's who gets to fuck his wife uh it's that's the premise of the whole thing i hope he wins just a very a very like religious guy just seeing that trailer i'm like wow i really i really hope he takes home the turkey that would be unfortunate if he no he hosts it so he's like he's like the guy that's like, okay, Bachelorettes, you know, that guy. But I saw the trailer on the internet, and man, the guys that are on that, I didn't think that they would be like cream of the crop, you know what I mean? I don't know why I thought like, or why I was kind of taken aback by how some of them looked. Are they just handsome gentlemen or whatever?

No, it's like the type of guy. Is it guys who would be on the podcast normally? This show or like Adam 22? This show. Maybe. The best I can describe it is like goon cave guys, but they mostly look't look too they just they mostly look normal but their eyes are gone do you know what i'm saying like that like like the

it's i guess the only people who would sign up to fuck a guy's wife when she's a porn star and they make porn together yes yeah yeah yeah yeah and they're very open about her getting you know right and then you would be on your name would be on the show and stuff you know yes yeah well so like you um i guess you like you go on dates with her what's her name lena or something you go on dates uh and i guess if you hit it off like at the end you get to have sex with her um which i don't know you. I'm not like a moral purist or anything, but I just think that everybody involved in that should be killed. It kind of reminds me,

I sent this to you earlier. Did you see Ruby Rose? She met her number one fan, her number one spender on OnlyFans. He gave her $63,000 in one month. I think she's doing a marketing ploy right now. You think so? I don't know because that guy...

Because the guy who got her name tatted and stuff, all of this is suddenly new within the course of a few weeks. She keeps going viral for stuff because she wants the reaction of people being like oh my god you're getting stalked you're gonna get killed i don't that could be true but somebody pointed out that that guy was a part he was uh in an episode of like some version of true life where it was like true life i'm addicted to porn and it was like 10 years ago or some crazy shit. And he was like, and the guy in that picture with her, I believe that guy's eyes.

Like I believe that he did do that. But you could be right. I mean, there could be some conspiracy at play. But I also think that if it's true and you're giving an OnlyFans porn star $60,000 in a month, you should have your assets liquidated and you also should be liquidated. You should be shot a whole bunch of times. Yeah, I mean, I can barely afford $40,000.

I don't know how he's doing $60,000. It's just like part of me wonders how you get there, I guess. I don't know. I mean, we've, we've talked about it ad nauseum on the show, but it's like, you know, like,

like porn brain or whatever. Like, how do you arrive to a point where like, not only are you like hopelessly addicted to pornography, but you're like, I'm going to, I'm going to spend a million dollars a year on like one porn star or, or I'm probably just married. You dollars a year on one porn star. Or I'm probably just married.

You think so? Bored. Yeah. That would be such a funny thing to ruin a marriage over. 60 grand, dude. Spending a good yearly salary. Spending a million dollars a year on porn porn on the on the ruby rose only fans that's so awesome it is uh yeah i i like and somebody somebody in the comments on that was

like it's just she just uses it like instagram i was reading the replies and people were like screenshotting some of the messages. And the guy was like, I told my family at Thanksgiving, I made them do a message, a video to you said that we wish that you could be here. And I told I told you about how everybody at school used to spank me. And I was reading that and I was like, OK, maybe this is like not real. But then I was like, no, man, some guys are like that. Like that's what happens to some guy. Like I forget like verbatim what it was, but he was like, I made my family say that we're so sad that you couldn't join us for Thanksgiving. And I was like, and then like the latter part of that message was like, I told you how I used to get wedgies.

And I'm like, man, there's really only one way out. I feel like therapy, there's no amount of therapy or medication that can. He's going to get one girlfriend and become normal. Yeah, yeah. He has sex one time and is like, ah, damn. You're not allowed to be romantic anymore as a man. You should be replying there. Yeah, it's crazy how women just.

She should be thankful she's getting all that attention. Right. Yeah. Wow. She's getting $60,000 a month and she's upset about it. $60,000? I can make that in two years. No problem.

Wow. Yeah. Some girls really don't like to work. Some of us, it takes us three and a half years to make $62, yeah. Some girls really don't like to work. Some of us, it takes us three and a half years to make $62,000. Hey, Ruby Rose, pull your damn pants up. I'm going to picture her with her ass out. Get your butt off my Instagram, you loser. Yeah, that sucks, man.

Get a job, asshole. That sucks, man. Get a job, asshole. I can't say I wouldn't do any different. I don't have any. People on the internet are really hateful and spiteful towards OnlyFans people. I can't say that if I had the ability and if I, if I had the ability and the, and the body type to do something like that, I'd do it,

you know, but nobody wants to pay like, I mean, there are people who pay a lot of money, I guess, to watch normal looking guys jack off. But I think those guys are like Jeffrey, like they're,

they're gay. They're like serial killer types, like gay. And also want to like eat human. Yeah. Also, a lot of them have medically huge penises. So that is part of it.

Yeah, that's a big part of it. Yeah, yeah. I want to make it clear that that's also barrier to entry. It's like... Yeah, I'm just sitting here with this normal fucking giant cock just fucking doing nothing with it.

Yeah, yeah. It's also like 60% hard. Yeah, it's pretty fucking badass, dude. Charging 12 bucks a month for just me kind of batting at it, trying to shoo it

like a mouse. It's like, damn it. Alright. Bunch of gay guys on OnlyFans, to shoo it like a mouse. It's like, oh, damn it. All right. Bunch of gay guys on OnlyFans like, is there one with Adderall dick? Yeah. It's like a video

of you trying to jack off. Are there any guys with fupas? Are there any guys that jack off on the toilet? Are there any guys that go to the toilet with their phone and jack off on the toilet?

I would really be interested in those types of guys. Is there a guy who's smoking a cigarette? I'm really looking for a video of a guy trying to cold start a Chevy and then getting so mad that he goes back at his house and thinks about killing himself. Yeah, yeah. Again, like like there's markets for that type of stuff somewhere but

you know it's hard to find it's hard to break into if I looked like Ruby Rosa I would probably be a missionary you'd be a missionary

yeah okay in Haiti what would you do like how would you spread the gospel I would like give I would give out Bibles to kids you'd be a missionary? Yeah. Okay. In Haiti. What would you do? Like, how would you spread the gospel? I would like give, I would give out Bibles to kids

and I would build new construction for the animals. Places of worship. Okay. And I would also raise tilapia and give it out to people.

Farm tilapia. Yeah. Just how, just be like, the Clinton Foundation's doing it. Yeah. Just be like. The Clinton Foundation's doing it. Yeah. Just be straight out of like a Tupac music video. Just fucking, you know, slamming.

And you're like, I'm going to get into tilapia farming. Honestly, I feel like I've been giving too much back to the people lately. Do you feel like that? I feel like I give it all. Yeah. do you feel like that uh i feel like i give it all yeah i mean i i donate a lot of money uh and a lot of time to various organizations you've been on your shit lately yeah yeah i'm like probably morally the best person on planet earth uh if i had to say you are you are orally the best person on earth yeah Yeah. I started a new charity

the other day and I didn't even tell anybody. What's it called? It's called It's called Bicycles for Icicles and it's

we go to places where there's lots of snow Okay. and we give we give out bikes to all the kids but then they can't ride them because there's ice on the road. You go to like the Inuit places and we give uh we give out bikes to all the kids but then they can't ride them because it's a there's ice on the road you go to like the inuit places and you give them no we don't like

to use that word but yes what do you call them um call them igloo people very good very very good Very good, yeah. That's a much better term for that. But, yes, we also have a program building igloos overseas in continents that have never had igloos before. So like hot places. You're building igloos in the desert. Is that what you're – Yeah, Africa, Europe, Asia, South America. There's so many continents, it's hard to even name them all, really. Okay.

What is... Is the North Pole part of something? I think a lot of the islands off the coast are owned by... It's just an island, right? Yes. But is it associated with any continent? I guess that's not how islands work. No.

That's a really stupid question. Canada and Russia own a bunch of it. A bunch of the little islands. Norway, too. I feel like the North Pole itself is like like or no it's antarctica is like an international i don't know i think a bunch of there's a bunch of conspiracies about it which are really funny they're like oh there's a bunch of there's like unilateral treaties with all the countries of the world and you mean to tell me that countries that don't get along

you know want to protect that they think don't get along want to protect it? They think there's a portal to Hyperborea in there or something. I think it's Nazi occult stuff. I would love to go in the earth and it be just a bunch of Southern Baptists, but I guess more trees and shit andGMT is playing, I guess. Whatever the fuck it is that those Groper guys are into. Seems like it'll be a pretty chill-ass life. Nobody owns the North Pole.

Antarctica is governed by a group of nations. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like a treaty of some sort. Yeah. Yeah. It's funny that Argentina and Chile both thought, yeah, I think we can tackle this. I think we can.

We won Antarctica. We got it. We're going to take this one over. Same with New Zealand. Dude, you guys are fucked. You guys are fucked. You guys are fucked. You are not winning. Yeah.

Chile versus the United Kingdom? Come on now. Come on. What are you... I don't know... Hold on. I was looking at countries that claimed Antarctica before the treaty or whatever. There were a bunch of countries that were like, I think we got this.

I think this is ours. Oh, okay. Including Chile. Nice. And New Zealand. And Argentina. I would like to... I feel like I could govern a place like Antarctica pretty well.

Like a warlord? You become like an ice... Like a troll or some sort of type of snow? I think I'd be... I would try and be more of a mystic. Like a druid? Like an ice druid? Yeah, yeah.

People would come to me for counsel. What would you tell them if you were the sage of the South Pole or North Pole? Give me a scenario. Okay, so I am a guy with a lot of gambling debts, and I hear that there's a miraculous sort of seer in the North Pole, and I want to both, A, cure my addiction to gambling, and, B, find a way to pay off my gambling debts that doesn't leave my family in ruin.

So I travel many, many thousands of miles from Little Rock, Arkansas, through the Detroit to the Arctic Pole land bridge that we discussed on the show somewhat recently. And I see, I meet you, and I say, can you solve these two problems for me? I'm addicted to gambling and I keep racking up debt that I can't pay. I would like your counsel. I would like your sage wisdom, oh seer of the North Pole.

Hmm. I don't know. I'm not really sure what I would do in that situation never really had a problem like that I would probably I would probably I would probably try and maybe maybe try and just pay off all the debts and stop gambling.

I thought maybe you'd have a better answer for me. I travel all this way. I mean, some oracle you are. Yeah, I mean, yeah. I think if I were you, I would probably just – I mean, at this point, you might as well just keep gambling because otherwise you're probably not going to be able to pay off those debts. Right, right.

But if you've been losing consistently this long, you're bound to win soon probably. Do you really mean that? I mean, that would be awesome. If you're a seeder, do you see a future where I win? I don't really. uh yeah i see a future where something definitely happens where it'll be either you win really big or uh or your whole family gets um something happens i don't know but if i were you i would probably like maybe get a second job okay um yeah or maybe instead of paying off any of the debts you just start wearing like a new hat maybe grow your hair out but keep living in the same place and then when when they come and they say, hey, is this guy here? You say, no, I'm not sure where he is.

I'm just a tourist in Little Rock. Okay. I just, I came here to look at the legendary Little Rock. Okay. It's so tiny. I never, I thought it would be much bigger, even though it's called Little Rock. I thought it would be, you you know at least a small statue no it's microscopic it's a piece of dirt and i found it so in this home so you are

at least by your reputation uh kind of like a sorcerer and your advice to me as a degenerate gambler is to either A, pay off the debt and stop gambling, or B, wear a hat and grow my hair out and then adopt the voice of a little Victorian boy and pretend to be somebody else in my own head. Yeah, I just tried it and it worked. Okay. That seems pretty good to me. Next. so okay that seems pretty good to me next um hey man uh i saw you really helped that guy back there so i figured i would come uh help see if you could help me um yes my child i've been having a lot of uh like impure uh thoughts um i have a lot of like impulses that i i won't uh divulge uh violent

impulses gay impulses no um no that would be that would be nasty um you know i think maybe i might i might be like a serial killer or something. And I was wondering if you could cure me of my desire for blood, my blood lust. When you see a man's rump, what do you feel? Nothing crazy. Mostly, I don't look at the body. Do you want to slash his rump? No. I kind of just want to run him down with my car or lock him up in a dungeon for a bit.

And if he's in your dungeon, my child, what shall you do to his nuts leave them on uh I mean I suck them no I think mostly like what I was thinking is like I'm not really like a play with them cruelly no uh bring him to the brink of orgasm and then

slit his throat I don't know what kind of seer you are uh I think maybe there's been a misunderstanding. Put a finger in your own butt and make him count to 20. And then shoot yourself in the leg.

And then get a bunch of toads and you've been soaking them in water. You throw them at them and they explode. And then you start licking them off. And you taste the toad and you go, and you throw up on them in water, you throw them at them and they explode and then you start licking them off and he takes the toad and you go, and you throw up on him and then you start 69ing him to death. No, that seems really complicated.

Again, I just kind of, I don't really understand. I thought you were a seer. No, I just kind of want to. I see it all. I kind of want to just, you know, I just kind of want to... I see it all. I kind of want to just, you know, I want to like shoot a bunch of people. I had a really troubled childhood

and I just, I don't want to feel these feelings, you know, because it's getting harder to ignore. It's getting harder to fight off the desire to, you know, to kill people. And you're a seer. You're known far and wide for seeing into the future and curing people. You cured that guy?

That guy... I cursed that guy. He's going to... No, that's going to work. Okay, great. All right. I ruined his life. Okay, so maybe don't do that to me.

I'm being vulnerable with you in this moment. It's negative 45 degrees here. So if you have anything you can do, I don't want to 60-90 anybody to death. I don't want to cut their nuts off. I don't want to stick my own finger in my own butt. I don't

want him to count to 20. I don't want to throw toads at him. I don't want to do anything to anybody. I just want to be a normal guy. Maybe like a dental assistant or something. I just want to live a normal life. Maybe get married at some point. Yeah, so anything you can do for me in that regard would be great.

So after you kill all these people, these poor souls, innocent souls, after you kill them all, and you will, you marrying a woman or maybe a guy? You're asking me? I thought you're the one who can see into the future. Also, I don't want to... It's up to you. I don't care. I don't want to kill anybody man i just i thought i made that pretty pretty clear uh i don't seems like you do seems like you want to kill a bunch of women and get with a bunch of guys and let them do whatever listen man uh i think maybe there's been a misunderstanding i i don't think you're a seer.

Have you ever thought about protecting yourself with huge silicone breasts? A stab to the heart wouldn't even hit your heart. It would hit your big, fake boob. It could protect you if you want to keep killing those people, which I think you should. No, I never... Um... Could protect you if you want to keep killing those people, which I think you should. Uh... No, I never... I got my real pectorals replaced with floppy implants to fool attackers.

And I got my butt replaced with a fake butt and it looked exactly the same. Um... And my dick is fake. It looks like a shoe. A poorly made plastic shoe. I haven't really thought about any of that. No, I mean, I...

You ever thought about sucking a shoe shaped dick like it was a... like it was an icy, but you'd sucked all the syrup out so it was just ice so it started getting clogged at the bottom? Because I haven't. I guess my main concern now is that I don't feel like I've been helped in any way. I just had a vision. Okay, thank you. That's what I came here for.

It was you killing a million people and sucking my dick. What a horrible vision. I hate visions like that. Anyway, I hope you have a good day. Next. Hello. Oh, my God god you have breast cancer yeah i um it's stage four and i just wanted i wanted there to be some hope for me you know um oh god i kind of started to accept that I'm dying. But I was told if I travel all the way to the North Pole to see the seers, that maybe there could be hope for me, you know.

I know that you cure people and you can see different life paths for them. And I just thought maybe I could travel all the way up here. I spent all my money that I was going to save for chemo to get here so if you just if there's anything you're seeing in my future just just let me know good or bad you know preferably good um and then if you could just take the cancer out of my bones and my breast, that would be really great too. I have three kids. Alright. Well, let's see them puppies.

Excuse me? Your ta-ta's, miss. Why do you... Just sort of funny to me. I, I don't think I understand. You still got, you have two of them, right? Yes. And you have three kids.

Yes. Have you ever wondered whether you have a third breast? No, I, I know that I have. Three kids, two breasts? Make it make sense? I don't... The math isn't... The math isn't mathing.

I don't think you understand how... How a body... Don't you question my millennial ass. Well, the millennial sage, sir, I'm sorry. But again, I mostly just came for your assistance, not really... Have you ever even watched The Office? Yes, I mean, yeah, my mother watched. Watching it gave you breast cancer.

I don't think so. I live next to a plastics plant. I'm a part of a lawsuit. A plastics plant? Mm-hmm. Like a fake Christmas tree? No, not exactly. Anyway, if you can help me great if not I'll just

I'll travel 3,000 miles back home it's fine you know well you're in luck okay I I just found a whole bunch of marbles and I think I had them in my car.

And I think they're still around, so they could be like tiny boobies. We could do three new marble boobies for you. So you can let all your three zoomer ass children. What was your bone? Your breast bone? No. Doesn't work? Breast cancer. Oh, your pussy sucks.

Jesus Christ. Ma'am, I'd like to say a prayer. Okay. For y'all. Thank you. For your butthole. It's not what my problem... And your stomach and your feet.

It's not my problem, And your stomach and your feet. It's not my problem, Arius. Lord. Okay. Lord Antarctica, who doth protect us, please let this woman get a brand new type of cancer. No, I don't. Foot cancer. I don't want. And leg cancer. No, I don't. Foot cancer. I don't want it.

And leg cancer. No, I don't. Stomach. I don't want it. And brain. I don't want it. And ear cancer. No, I don't want it.

And butt cancer. I don't want it anymore. And eye cancer. I don't know. And let her get, let give her white ass some elbow cancer. I don't want any new type. I'm just playing. I'm so sarcastic.

Oh, God. I'm just playing it, Tartaget. You should, what you should do, my love, is you should get into selling Herbalife. They have such good products. They sell so fast. And you could sell some Herbalife and make millions of dollars. And you could pay for your new breast implants with that.

And to get your pussy tight. That's not the problems. They're going to stitch that thing up. It's going to be... When you shoot it out, it's going to be like somebody poked a hole in a hydraulic line. It's not... Shoot clean through the ceramic in the toilet. That's not the problem that I have. You won't be able to put a toothpick in there.

Okay. I think I'm just going to go. I think I've been lied to. I think you have. Indeed you have. I'm not here to help anybody. I'm actually, I moved out here because I'm a terrible person. Oh, I'm on pay-per-views.

I'm actually just a guy from Tuscaloosa. I moved out here because I ruined every relationship I ever had. I'm not really a, the People started calling me the sage. I'm not even really a guy worth knowing. But I lack the constitution for suicide, so I mostly moved out. It'd be alone. But thanks for coming to the sage's

pole. The sage's pole. The sage's pole. That's a new script we're working on called The Sage of the North Pole. It's a new sketch. It's going to cost us $50 million to shoot.

If you were in ancient Greece and you had a big-ass problem, would you go to an oracle? Maybe the Oracle of Delphi. I think it's cool that back then schizophrenics had a job. You know what I mean? Because now they just live outside. But back then, I feel like that's what the Oracle was.

Because I think at Delphi, there was something about the caves. There was a bunch of carbon dioxide in there, and they were mostly just, like, they were doing basically, like, keyboard cleaner all day. So they would just, like, go in a cave and come out, and they would have, like, brain damage from lack of oxygen. And they'd be like, you're going to be the most powerful motherfucker ever, and you're going to get tons of fucking pussy.

And Alexander the Great was like, it's fucking dope. That sounds awesome to me. But now, you know, they just mostly die of fentanyl overdoses and shit talk to themselves or you know get killed by the state something like that i think some guys like well i remember i used to go to the skate park by my house uh when i was a teenager and uh on at the same park there was a teenager and, uh, on the, at the same park, there was a, like a LARPing club, but they weren't like, some of them were fat morons, like kind of,

you know, Dungeons and Dragons guys, but other guys were like fucking insanely good at sword fighting, like nuts. Like, and it seemed to seemingly in pretty good shape. And they would like use like foam batons to like do like fencing but also like fucking like krav maga to each other but they were dressed they were all dressed you know like that like

the like the thing like they were just like wizards and shit knights of the fucking templar or whatever and uh when i was in college i like later on i knew a guy that did it and he was like yeah it's like it's like really it's fun you know it's nerdy but you know it's great way to stay in shape and he was like he would go to these conventions where they would have like it'd be for like larpers but he would compete in like the knight's fucking challenge or whatever where he would uh basically fight people with some foam swords and he's pretty good. Anyway, I bring that up because, like, the Oracle thing, I feel like some guys, if some version of predestination is real, like, some guys were really just born straight up in the wrong time.

Because if you're, like, super autistic, and you dedicate, like, fucking years of your life to get badass at sword fighting, like, there's no place for you. You're just going to work at fucking years of your life to get badass at sword fighting. Like there's no place for you. You're just going to work at fucking five below your whole life until you like develop a drinking problem. You know what I mean? Like there's just nothing. There's nothing like you're,

you can't help what your fixation becomes. Some guys get really into trains. Some guys become mechanics. Some guys become like money autists, like the big short guy or whatever. But if your thing is like, all right, so that guy can throw fireballs. What I'm going to do is I'm going to do a fucking dodge roll.

I'm going to hip toss him. I'm going to pull out my fucking scythe, and I'm going to cut his throat, and then we're going to advance to the castle. Like if you understand that world and you're good at that world, then you don't – there's no hope for you. But it's fucked up because you have a set of skills that were at one point valuable, you know, but now are no longer valuable, I guess. I would love for there to be a Fortune 500 CEO who's into that stuff.

Maybe there is. I'm sure that there is. I mean, Elon made a car that is bulletproof to Tommy Guns. You know what I mean? So it's like, I don't know what he was thinking. Like you're constantly getting robbed by fucking, you know, pretty boy Floyd and shit like that.

And, you know, baby face Nelson. But anyway, sometimes it makes me sad. Like the YouTube, old YouTube viral video of the sword kid that everybody laughed at and he got bullied a lot.

Like dude, 500 years ago, the fuck out of here he would have been showered in fucking rubies and all sorts of like milk maiden pussy and uh you know he would have sired like 500 kids and he'd have been like known throughout the fucking you know the shire or whatever the fuck is like the nastiest fucking swordsman of all time and then two the guys who you see them on YouTube, they do the gun twirling and they fucking, there's like competitions, especially in the South,

if you've seen them, where guys do the quick draw competitions and they fucking ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding. That's not fucking, there ain't no use for that shit anymore. Imagine you're out on a battlefield and, like, an NBA forward comes up. Like, Nikola Jokic comes up and he's, like, 7'4". And he's got, like, the sword that's bigger than all the other swords. Yeah, Claymore sword. Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, and he's just, like, fucking. Slicing guys in two. Because everybody was, like, five feet tall. Yeah. You would think he was a giant. Yeah, people would. Yeah, no, for sure. If I saw a guy who was 7'4", now. It's all you can talk about.

I would maybe think he was a giant. Yeah, yeah, yeah. If I didn't know that people could be over six feet tall, and then I meet a guy who's seven feet tall, I think giant. Yeah, that's a giant guy. For sure. I always think,

take Brock Lesnar back to, I don't know, the fucking Battle of the Boyne, whatever, Ireland and England. Just put him on the side

of the Irish. You just have all the English guys shitting their pants. What are you going to do? You going to approach that guy with a spear? And again, everybody was malnourished back then and shitting themselves to death and dying in the plagues, so it's like fucking whatever.

You know, you're fucked. But yeah, some guys, like I guess with UFC, but even then, like get good at fighting for real. Like take a career. Like why are you getting good at fighting with a fucking mace? I don't understand. I get that it's an interest that people have, but it's unfortunate that guys dedicate their whole ass to that.

I'm trying to think. You don't get CTE from sword fighting, I imagine. Right, yeah. If you texted me Tomorrow and you're like Jake I'm getting really into alchemy It's like

Jake Dude I'm getting really close To turning this lead into gold I'm dying of fucking Radioactive fumes here But it's gonna happen for me It'd be like God damn it

Tom's doing alchemy again But I could I could do it I think I'd be more likely to get into falconry. Yeah, I could see you being like an evil guy. I would just let them all go. I would just go to the zoo and let a falcon out.

Let it do its thing. I think in today's, everybody's like the pot that never Completely boils over like Like a bard You know what I mean like a guy that's like just At the bar that's like with a little Loot And is like little old Timmy Lived by the shore

He was sure that he would be king Little old Timmy died of The plague and now his song That we do sing and then you just get fucking your jaw broken by like a welder like just get straight ko'd in the twin peaks parking lot yeah that's something it listen it for all the sword fighters out there maybe try barding i would be the first i would be the first dfw board who would do like food parodies and stuff i'd be like you know i would be next to the king's tavern like um well i guess i would

have to know the traditional um board songs yeah yeah then but i would do it with stuff like cheeseburgers and me shepherd's pie is yum to eat i bought it from a vendor in the street shepherd's pie is my favorite meal i rub my belly it makes me squeal shepherd's pie yummy for me dinner for two or even three shepherd's pie i eat it with spoon then i sing my shepherd's pie tune and then you just get fucking kicked in the head by like a pipe fitter just on a lunch break dude that's that's the next that's the next avenue for this show you become the bard of dfw like all the construction bars like all the bars named like stinky mike's fucking piss house and are like you know big tommies or like whatever the fuck you go in there in a gay fucking like frou-frou you're just wearing like skin tight fucking like a leotard

with a collar and a bow tie you just go get a loot from somewhere drinking bud light i do see the homosexual beer it's not for me. Drinking it, it does make one gay. Do you suck penis at night or day? He's like, what? Excuse me, little fella. I'm Tommy the Bard of here. I smoke cigarettes and drink my beer. I sing a song for you, my friend.

Until my story's bitter and I my beer. I sing a song for you, my friend, until my story's bitter and I fucking die. I'm about to knock the shit out of you, you fucking queer. You understand me? Queer is a word I wouldn't use. We should be friends and drink our brews,

but if you decide to stab my face, make it quick and make it post-haste. Piece of shit. I would, yeah. Those are some bars I won't play. Thanks, man. I just, I don't know.

I kind of could see you doing, you have the hair. You have the, dude, if there's one thing I can say about you, you have a cheerful disposition that makes people just want to sing along with you. You know, you're kind of like. I bring a certain positive energy into it. Right, you're very... Anything I know from the movies and from Skyrim and stuff,

like the sort of twinkie little fucking guy that prances around the room, you could bring that back. If there's one thing a guy who works 16 hours a day wants in the Texas heat, he wants to be saying gay little songs by a guy who looks and talks exactly like you. Yummy yum, these chips are good.

They are hard and so is wood. Eating french fries in the street. Taco time, it's yummy meat. Hey, listen, man. Drinking twisted tea at night yummy yum tastes good like sprite hamburger is good for tom yummy yum tastes just like mom's hey uh fucking tom the barge back hey uh listen man you give him a dollar he'll fuck off okay you just uh just let him sing one more song he'll leave us alone that's uh hey tom this is a new guy why don't

you sing the new guy's song he he just started working with us new guy you are small and fat Stupid and I hate your hat. New guy, you smell like old soup. Gross, oh gross. You, um, chicken coop. Stupid new guy, kill yourself. Get out of here and go to hell. Kill yourself and blow up fast. Get blown up by a big grenade blast. Get blown up by a big grenade blast.

Yeah, so basically Tom the Bard, he comes to all the blue collar bars out here. We hate his fucking guts. I've knocked him out ten times. He just keeps coming. I can't kill him. In fact, I collar bars out here. We hate his fucking guts. I've knocked him out ten times. He just keeps coming. I can't kill him. In fact, I shot him three times in the chest. They, you know, they bagged his ass, wheeled him off, and the next day he's here.

I think he might be some sort of entity. I'm not 100% sure. So I just, I see you getting up, buddy, and pulling your buck knife out of your boot, but I promise you you can't kill him. I think he's something older than time. So, you know, just let him sing. Let him sing his little heart out.

He'll go to the bar next door. The best red licorice is not red vines, nor red Twizzlers intertwined. not red vines nor red twizzlers intertwined it is australian wily wallaby or the common daryl leaves yum red flavor tastes so good yum red flavor wish i could yum red flavor sweetie time yum yum cuss a hundred dimes all right we're gonna close out uh uh tom thanks for swinging by uh sorry my friend stabbed you a whole bunch uh i hope you don't take nothing personal but i don't want to offend you because again i think maybe uh you could curry favor with some sort of more powerful otherworldly entity and cause me great pain in my life. So I do appreciate you coming to sing your songs, and I offer one of my teeth as penance to you. Hopefully it's enough.

Toothy, toothy, thank you, sir. It is blurry, and it's blur i agree with tooth concur now it's time for toothy murp great yeah all right that's that'll do it thank you Tom I appreciate you No problem Yeah I I think I think that's That's what's next for me and you Singing songs

I'd say we quit our jobs Shut the show down Kill our families And just Get back to what Thanks for showing me Picture of wife The woman that You love with life and just get back to what matters. Thanks for showing me picture of wife.

The woman that you love with life. Thanks for showing me her weird ass ass. Her fucked up tits that look like glass. We work together and you're my friend. On cocaine, your money you do spend. You're my foreman and you're my boss and your teeth you do not floss we weld metal together my friend that's it that's the song and uh

i and then that's the that's the end of The Bard. I feel like it took us a little while to get going. I don't know what you got going on. I don't have shit to do. Look, Jake, when I think about what's going to take us to the next level, what's going to make this show blow up it's going to be things like a bard who sings about twizzlers and his boss yeah yeah that's what people need yeah i you know we we're coming up on our three-year anniversary, and life's looking good.

The show's looking good, and people buy all the sweaters. And we're looking good. We've had a lot of work done over the years. Honestly, I'm trying to get that Matt Rife surgery. I want to look like a goddamn Uruk-hai from fucking Lord of the Rings or whatever. I want to get reverse Matt Rife surgery. I want my jaw shaved down even worse. I want a worse overbite.

I want my brow bone extended out more so where you just can't even see my eyes anymore. I want a face, the opposite of a facelift i want my brow pushed further down yeah more furrowed i want my i want my one nostril i can breathe out of i want that closed in okay so you want to be like a 250 year old like deformed chinese man yeah i want one of my ears moved further up on my head. Hey, look. And the other moved down. We make it real big. Like, we get to do, like, TV shows and stuff.

And time comes for us to get work done. And you're like, can I just look like the guy from the Goonies? I'm not trying to get the fucking Camille Nanjani, Matt Rife thing. I don't want a jawline. Could you guys cut my face up really bad so I have cool scars? Could you guys make it so where my family doesn't want to spend time with me anymore and my girlfriend leaves me? Just give me the scalpel.

I'll do this. Yeah, yeah. Could you guys make it look like I was involved in some sort of boating accident or perhaps like I have chemical burns? Can all my teeth be worn too? They take up the same amount of space. Yeah, can you give me like action figure mouth where it's just like a row of white rubber like on bun but i want kids to be so terrified of me in the street that the cops are called like the SWAT team gets involved can you make it look like i'm something ancient and

fucking evil so evil that god refuses to do business with me can you give me a bbl on my stomach just a big belly yeah could you give me lean gut i don my stomach? Just a big belly? Yeah, could you give me lean gut? I don't drink lean, but could you give me a huge, slappable, jiggable belly? Can you bind my feet like a Chinese ballerina? Right, and I want all of this done in one fell swoop. I want the recovery time to be a full decade. I want rubber teeth.

I want an ear on top of my head. I want a furrowed brow like six inches below my nose. I want a BBL for my stomach. Can you make my balls look weirder? Can you make them cubes? Yeah, can you make them less balanced? Can you give me perfectly triangular nuts and like a pig's tail for a penis i want it to be curly can you make my arthritis worse yeah can you make my knees bad like borschen they already are i want them to click

more i'd like that i'd like the uh opposite of lasik where you guys just put lasers on my eyes and just just black holes hey uh thomas j Jake, congratulations, guys. You made it. Problem is that you can't really mingle with the A-listers looking like you look. It's nothing personal. We have this meeting. We have it with everybody. So one of the things we do when people get successful is we recommend various surgeries. So I was wondering, Thomas, do you want to fix those knees up?

Jake, do you want to fix the shoulder up and the teeth? They're yellow. They're kind of buck. Thomas, we can fix that. We can give you little nipples, the ones you always wanted. But, you know, world's your oyster. Tell us where we should start. Can I get light skin surgery, and can I also get shorter? I want my legs broken

and then folded in half. Could you compress my spine like 13 inches? I want to be 5'1". I want to look like the Hunchback of Notre Dame. Yeah, but not in like a wholesome way where you end up rooting for me in the end. I want to look loathsome. I want all my teeth pulled out and I want

candy in there instead. I want blood in my mouth instead of teeth. Can you make me into something that just doesn't deserve to be loved? Can I have skin cancer on my face? Could you give me a chemical peel on 90% of my body? Can my tongue be forked and 10 feet long? Yeah, yeah. Can you burn off theed and 10 feet long? Yeah, yeah. Can you burn off the bottoms of my feet?

Can you give me claws, like just 12-inch claws, razor-sharp 12-inch claws and a bifurcated 10-foot long tongue? I was wondering if you could prolapse my rectum. Over time, I don't want this to be surgical. I kind of want it just to be from overuse. It's up to you to decide. Sort of like a cord. Yeah, can you just make it like the socks you wear to the gym

but refuse to throw away because they're your favorite lifting socks? Just the ankle no longer holds any fucking support whatsoever. And then I think I'll be good. Yeah, I think I'll be good then. Yeah, I think we'll be good. Then we can go on. Then I can get a Netflix special called Damn, You Ain't Laughing? I'm going to call my girl, come get your mans.

Guys, the show's doing great. Each of you get your own special. I need a running list of what your specials will be called. Jake, okay, Damn, Y'all Ain't Laughing. I like that one. Kind of similar to Thomas' dollar dollar bill, but we'll work on that. I need four more. Kind of similar to Thomas' dollar dollar bill, but we'll work on that. I need four more. Yeah, all right.

I got mine. Keep on touching me right now. Keep on touching me. Oh, wow. All right, Thomas, that's good. Jake, what do you got? I need up. It's just going to say,

hmm? Like it's going to be like H-M-M-P-H and the text gets so big it doesn't fit on the Netflix screen anymore. That'll be one. Okay. All right. I don't know if we can work with that. Thomas, what do you got?

Black child, white parents. Okay. All right. I don't know if we're going to get past that past standards and practices. Jake, what do you got? Grease it up and serve it right Okay, that's another one I'm not sure we're going to get past Yeah, the The ethics committee

But we'll add it to the list Alright, Thomas, you got a Something we can use, guys, I don't know Oh, uh We got to – something we can use, guys. I don't know. Oh, it's going to be called Da Pedophile Comedian. That way people click on it. Yeah, we've been thinking about – so like a lot of our videos ain't been getting good clicks. So we're thinking about starting all the sketches and all of our new specials with the pedophile comedian and it's it all right this is a new new special from thomas hitler the title card thomas hitler the pedophile

comedian and it's on there for longer than the actual special is it's up for like 45 minutes and the special is two minutes long yeah yeah i don't have anything written and i don't do well on stages so y'all gonna need to need somebody else to do that. I'm not very good at doing stand-up, as it turns out. I'll voice it in. Yeah, get a... This is going to be an animated comedy special. Yeah, yeah.

We're trying something that's never been done before, cartoon comedy. The cartoon will be an incredibly offensive caricature of an old black lady. I'm going to do a, you know, that Nick Kroll show about growing up. Yeah, Big Mouth. Big Mouth. Yeah. I'm going to do a show called Smaller Mouth, and it's even younger kids, but it's about the same stuff. Yeah, it's even younger kids having sex with pillows and jagging off and anytime anybody tries to come for me i just say that

that they're uncomfortable it isn't it is so fucking insane that show was made i made it like two episodes into that i tried like i'm not gonna lie like i and i was i was and i was in high school i watched the first season and i was like okay like some of it like some of it's funny like i watched the first season i was like all right okay, like some of it, like some of it's funny. Like I watched the first season. I was like, all right. And then the other shit I was like, okay, whatever. And then the second season they like didn't do anything funny and they had like a full frontal musical number where all the kids cartoon penises and vaginas are out.

And I was like, listen, you're not a dress. You doubled down on the part of it that made it unwatchable when you removed anything that was even funny at all. But yeah, I don't know. I don't know how that that made it through. I mean, I guess, I don't know. Isn't Nick Kroll's dad in the CIA or something? I don't think that has anything to do with it.

I think he's like an executive. Yeah, yeah. He's like a security executive. Yeah, yeah. He's like a security agent. Yeah, yeah. Not like a private one, if I recall correctly. Yeah, Blackwater or something. It's very funny to have your dad do something like that, and then you don't do politics,

and you just want to make a cartoon that has little penises in it. I feel like that's the most innocent thing that Nick Kroll can do. Yeah. I don't know. I don't know if it's the most innocent thing that Nick Kroll can do. Yeah. I don't know. I don't know if it's the most innocent thing. The most innocent thing he could have done would have just been a dentist. You know what I mean? Or like a car salesman or something.

You know, like that's, you know. Nick Kroll dad. What did he do? Kroll Bond Rating Agency Incorporated and K2 Intelligence oh yeah Kroll Bond Rating as a member of the board of directors Blue Voyant

oh corporate investigations okay so he does like corporate espionage that's cool he went to Georgetown that's awesome nice yeah that's cool. I went to Georgetown. That's awesome. Nice.

Yeah, that's cool. I wish that maybe one of our dads had like a Wikipedia thing. Maybe one of our dads could have been powerful enough to, you know. Yeah, but then you can't really be your own guy. Who gives a shit? I think that's overrated. Like a lot of the stuff people say about rich people i think's just cope like that they're miserable or that they're unhappy or that they're empty it's like no but i mean if you're trying to make your name for yourself and who gives a shit why would you want to make a name for yourself i

think that that's like an american like myth too like why the fuck would you want to work hard and make a name for yourself like i understand want to make a name for yourself. Like I understand wanting to like be a musician or an artist and like, like I understand wanting to make money from the thing that makes you happy and working a nine to five, a blue collar, white collar. It doesn't matter.

It sucks a dick. I've worked fucking all of them and they're terrible. But the idea of like, Oh, I want to be my own man. No, oh, I want to be my own man. No, I don't want to be my own man. I want to be given as many hands up as humanly possible, and I don't want to have to go through any of the struggle of doing anything.

You know what I mean? Like the whole like, oh, don't you want to steer your own ship? Fuck no. Steer the ship for me. Fuck you. Don't you want to let, oh, you know, the hard work makes it worth it. Absolutely not. Mm-mm.

Nope. Like, I think that musician girl. I do think there's a certain amount of respect, though, if you do end up making it and you are from just humble beginnings or whatever. But is that respect, like, what's the currency in that? It doesn't say, like, that Claro. I know, but it's not all about currency mean i i get what you mean right but at the same time if you know if my dad was head of the cia i would have to worry about people knowing about that and stuff but see i think like less people worry about it because the only people that i know that like

make digs at people like nick kroll are just guys on Twitter that I think are really funny. You know what I mean? And they're cool guys and they're my friends. And I make digs at Nick Kroll. But it doesn't matter. We're the peanut gallery. You know what I mean? I remember that Claro dropped that album and everybody was like, oh, her dad is the head of PR at Coca-Cola.

And it's like, okay, who gives a shit like it's annoying like the nepo baby thing i'm like dude yeah no that's the way the world works and it's not good i guess but it's like what the if my dad was like head of some like paramount pictures i'm not gonna fucking dig ditches my whole goddamn life i'm gonna fucking be like Dad put me in Put me on Put me in coach I'm ready to play Put my ass on

Fuck this You know what I mean And then when people are like Oh you got there Because of who your dad is Of course That's how it fucking works I guess

I don't know Like I just I don't know I think a lot of the shit That people like Get bent out of shape about Like I look at a guy Like Elon Musk

Or you know People are like i look at a guy like elon musk or you know people like his dad owned a diamond mine and or oh yeah he's clearly miserable that guy's having the time of his fucking life he's having time of his life no jeff bezos he doesn't have any friends doesn't need him he gets to the trt and fucking live on a yacht and blow up bridges for his yacht. Who gives a shit? I'm not saying it's good. I'm just saying projecting unhappiness on people who have mental illness. They're so wealthy they have mental diseases. I don't think...

People with no money are empty and miserable and fucking lonely. If I had a billion dollars, I'd be like... I'm going to get your surgery. I'm going to get a BPL. I'm going to get a stomach BBL. I'm going to fucking get one tooth. You know, I'm gonna get horns. I'm gonna get claws and shit. Um, but luckily we don't have to worry about that. Your dad, you know, was, uh, uh, uh, a very pious, quiet, hardworking man who, you know, just wants to

drink one beer per year and, um, I don't know, uh, preach. And then my dad crashed forklifts for a living

and, uh, played fucking Metallica riffs on a guitar in a garage. And so me and you are, I guess we are success stories, you and I. I could be, you know, if it weren't for my own decisions to get me to my extremely successful position in life, I could be doing sales or something right now or have a tech job.

And that would be fucking failure. So I'm glad I've made it to where i am which is uh making jokes i want to make it clear i am on your side i think i was just being adversarial for the sake of being annoying that's okay but i yeah like i i i think there's like a bug i have in my brain like i see my friends who have like very high paying tech jobs and like their own houses and i'm like damn you didn't do it you know what i mean like i don't know like i know i'm happy for them and obviously i don't like think that way in totality about my friends but like the like the the world of like yeah dude i got a house and you know a really good

paying job i'm like damn i didn't get that i'm glad i dodged that bullet or whatever the fuck I didn't get that. I'm glad I dodged that bullet or whatever the fuck. Because, yeah, we get to bring... No, I mean, yeah. No, I mean, this is what I wanted to do. Same. Yeah, that's what I'm saying. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's fun to be a giver of laughter, you know? To be the... If I can brighten somebody's day. When I was really little, I thought you got paid to ride motorcycles. And I thought that's what I wanted to do for my job. And then it turns out I got older and you don't. Those guys get paid to sell meth. Yeah, yeah.

When I was a kid, I thought like... Like I thought being like a robber... Like you live like a crazy-ass, lavish-ass lifestyle. I guess because I watched a lot. Like I used to like a lot of heist movies. Like I used to watch the Oceans movies with my mom. But I thought that applied to like all different types of robbers. So like I thought when you like held up a 7-Eleven that you walked away with like $150,000. And it wasn't until I like got older got older that i was like nah people will

people shoot other people for like 15 or whatever you know yeah it happens like a lot or whatever yeah not a whole lot of high level yeah those are those are in the yeah like mostly a guy running up with like a team being like put it the fuck in here, dumbass, or I'll kill you. Yeah, really like end of society, end of life, unfortunate situation people that are like, yeah, I'm willing to take a human life for like $80. Which is, you know, rock and roll guys. Yeah, I used to kill people. I used to kill people for Jordans back in high school,

and I really regret it looking back. I remember thinking, like, it would be... I was, like, I was mad. We watched Tombstone a lot at the house, and I was mad that, like, I wasn't... I didn't get to be an outlaw. You know what I mean? Like, I didn't get to be, like, you know what i mean like i didn't get to be like billy the kid or like you know um fucking huck uh who's the fucking uh i'm here

huckleberry what i'm your huckleberry whatever the fuck val kilmer i didn't get to be those guys like black hat outlaws i was like dude i would have loved being in the frontier west and then you read about them and it's like oh they all just kind of like walked around with bullets in them and like drank and like yeah killed mexican like it's not a guy in the movies they're sick because they have like an honorable aspect to their lives but in uh in real life they were just kind of like they had like syphilis just kind of yeah yeah yeah like the lowest dregs of society type guys you know they're. They're not somebody that you want to be. They just had cool outfits. Yeah, the one-liners are really in the movies.

A lot of those guys couldn't read. A lot of them, they didn't get shot, and they were like, I'll meet you on the other side, Clem. They got shot, and they were like, and then they died or whatever the fuck. Wasn't like a Buster Scruggs situation or whatever. Right, right. Not necessarily.

Same goes for drug dealing. Really, the only guys whose lives emulated the romanticized versions were like stockbrokers, like the Jordan Belforts of the world or whatever. Did you watch that movie and then you were like i want to be yeah did you like want to be like that guy no i just really wanted to try quail yeah yes uh what yeah yeah that was the only really the only thing i took yeah i i didn't want it even i didn't want to get a job i just wanted to get really fucked up yeah yeah same dude i remember that was all it dropped when i was in college and i had like a lot of my buddies who were like business majors they were like dude i'm gonna take my series seven like the stockbroker test i'm gonna

take my series seven i'm gonna move to new york and i'm gonna fucking do it i'm gonna make it happen and i was like oh cool man and they were like yeah dude like like stockbroker like working man i want to fucking you know cocaine strippers and i was like i don't want to do math for a living and i don't want to i don't like to talk to people on the phone like even people i love call me on the phone and i'm like fuck you so i don't want to talk to strangers on the phone but i do want to do quaaludes and i want to coontosh and i want to have a big ass house so if i could get those things without having to like talk to people on the phone

or, like, cheat people out of their pensions, that would be pretty sick. Or take tests. Or, you know, be in any environment where I'm having to do math. That would be pretty sick. But like I said before to you, I have the fucking,

I have the quaalude recipe. So anytime, anytime things fall apart for me and you i've got a back door we could become quaalude salesman yeah yeah we probably shouldn't say that but we you know i guess it's fine but uh you probably i am very cavalier about like yeah i got there you, I could just go to, go to the auto parts store and get most of the stuff it would take to make it. You know, there'd have to be some things that I would need other than, you know, other than that.

Right. Anyway. You get the wrong transmission fluid and it doesn't turn out right. It's like, fuck, I was supposed to use the hottest. Yeah. Well, I just ended up making like arsenic. That would be like, I get every step right except for one. Yeah, I don't know.

I don't know how, like, I don't know how, like, if you have a son and you raise them, you want to raise them correctly, how do you not get them to think that doing all that stuff is cool? Because I honestly like to your point. It is cool. It's just not sustainable. Right.

You don't have to argue that it's not cool. It's cool to do cocaine and all that stuff for a little bit. But then you're like 40 years old doing cocaine and you can't like you don't feel good after you do it and then your penis doesn't work anymore and you don't have any money

and your kids don't talk to you. Right. But like those stories don't get told. Right. What I'm saying is I'm 100% on board with you. The stories that get told are that it does work out.

Jordan Belfort has said on record several times the movie ends with him being like well I didn't know. Right. But that wasn't that's's not the truth of it. He now goes on podcasts and he's like, I make more fucking money

doing the motivational speaker thing than I ever did working at fucking Stratton Oakmont. Like, honestly? Like, he literally, his whole thing now is like, apparently he's not paid restitution to anybody that he fucked up, or he's paid a little bit. I don't know.

I don't want to. Yeah, he still owes like $100 million a hundred yeah allegedly he owes a lot of money and doesn't use any of the money he makes doing you know speeches but what i'm saying is is that yes you're 100 right it's like a gambling commercials like when when i we used to have cable um we would get commercials for harrah's and like delta downs and the golden all of the um louisiana fucking casinos you'd get commercials that are like a sexy lady and like her husband or whatever like on a bed of money and chips and like the music's like come to harrah's change your life uh when like that's like never what happens, usually. 99%

of the time. They're not going to show the guy that's laying on the floor of the hotel room with a gun in his mouth. He just spent his kids college fun on horse betting. Again, what gets sold to you is the victory, not the losses. That's life.

Okay. Anyway. Anyway. Listen, if you're listening to this, thanks. And thanks for sticking through the show.

And you should go on over to CIA.gov. Fill out an application. A lot of you guys are probably ripe what they're looking for at the CIA. They're looking for guys that can be clandestine officers.

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and then fucking 50 bucks a month you can just do that and you don't get access to anything extra just the stuff I said Lagabow

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