Pendejo Time - The Bronx Skinwalker

Episode Date: January 23, 2025

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Thomas, one of your guys did something bad. It was one of your guys. Another SNL cast member? No, it was a black Nazi. You told me the other day that you've been trying to do like an outreach program with them, and so I just wanted you to know that the outreach is not working they are out and about doing they're

good contributing to general distrust and panic within the countrymen this is a huge PR blow for the black Nazi community what happened now did was there an argument? I believe it was an attack About accelerate the second acceleration is thing. That's the thing about all the scuffle Yeah Yeah, we can call I guess you could call it that was it a hoedown or honky-tonk. It was at a hootenanny close yeah, but but it was It was tragic and it was unfortunate. A tragic honk. A tragic hoedown.

I feel like if you- It looks like this wasn't even at a hoedown at all. It was at a school Maybe a school dance Yeah, I believe it was at a They should definitely if if I was a principal in my school got shot up I would have a dance the next day to help lift spirits Yeah, a hundred percent. I think that would be kind of the and I would let them grow I'd let them grind in the dance to get the emotions out Question for you since you know chaperones just me

Since you were homeschooled when you guys guys, do you guys do shooter drills? Your dad just walked around the living room with a gun and just kind of looked at your whole family and then just... No, no, he was at work. We didn't, um, we didn't have them because we knew that... Well, I didn't really know about mass shootings till I got a little older and I found out about those. I knew about terrorists. Sure. I knew good and well about terrorists and how they dress and everything.

And where they would be, you know, places like airports. Which really sets the kid up for failure Yeah, because then you just see a Sikh family at the airport and you have nightmares about it that happened to me You say like a four is like a five-year-old kid I remember seeing a guy picking up his family from the airport and having a nightmare about it a hundred percent Yeah, I think there's something to be said About being like a like if you're it if you don't think he was even Muslim. I think he was Sikh Yeah, if you're a seven-year-old boy in the south you're like crazy racist

And there's not really like anything anyone can do about it you kind of have to come out of that on your own like some sort of gauntlet or you know like a Like like a labyrinth you kind of have to see if you're lucky I remember one of my first days of public school there was a Mexican kid that I wanted to try to be friends with and I thought okay. How do I bridge this cultural gap? So I asked him if he liked mariachi Yeah, that's not out of the question at all and he was like No, I like Tyga.

And I was like, really, really into Trey's songs currently. OK, Tyga, don't know who that is. Probably a Mexican, I would guess. And I wasn't far off. Tyga, one of the most Mexican black guys of all time. Yes. He was sort of a bad. He was an American bad bunny. Yeah.

You know. That Rax song. Rax on Rax on Rax. It was Rax City Bitch. Oh, what am I thinking of? Rax City Bitch, Rax City Bitch, Teen Teen Teen Twins on your tits bitch. Yeah. Yeah, that's right. It's teen teen teen 20s and you did bitch. Yeah the

Mmm, of course nowadays it would probably be Something it probably wouldn't be called the same thing it probably did a different name for the song probably probably be called East or something the Bitcoin Anyway, yeah, it would probably be you know, we'll finish it out. Instead of Rack City by Tyga, it would probably be. It would probably be woke city.

OK. By. Probably be woke city, okay by Mmm, Tyga and Tyga would be a girl Tyga Tyga guy guy Guy guy guy guy guy. Yeah, it would be woke city by guy girl. Hi, huh? It would be hi, it would be a city by It would be hi it would be a city by A city hi. Yeah Hi, hey, hey, hi, hey, hey, hey

Hi, hi, hey, hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi Yeah, yeah, that'll do. Yeah, that's yeah. Yeah, yeah, of course Of course. Yeah for Millennials. That's what it would be for Millennials. Yeah. Yeah How about black city? Yeah, that's what I was trying to say earlier, but I think that I don't know black city by Awesome and it's and it's the best city ever it's by black city by awesome guy who's pillar of the community And that's that's the name of the That's the name of the song and artist And nothing wrong with that you were saying something about like a So you didn't know what did you not really know what school shootings were till you like got the public school

I don't think I had heard of them. Okay, because to your point I Like I was like you went to school. I went to public school in fourth grade No, yeah, so I went like I mean I went pretty early for in homeschooling terms. I wasn't homeschooled that long The worst is the Worst is uh If I feel like if you go in high school, it's it's it's dog shit. It's not good. Not good Yeah, I met a couple people that came like sophomore year, and it was it was bad But It's got I mean I my so you didn't have an idea of it

They used to do shooter drills for us like once every six months, and I remember thinking that they were really fucking dumb Because the instructions were to like get under your desk and then the teacher locks the door Yeah, the teacher like stands in front of the door every teacher. I had by the way Didn't explicitly say this because they knew they would get fired But I got the feeling that if lead started flying downrange toward homeroom That these guys were out of their lickety split bananas They're like not gonna hang around and I'm gonna keep it a buck if I was a teacher me neither I'm not dying for no kid. I'm out of there cops. Don't even die for kids. I fucking teach history

I'm a football coach. Why the fuck would I die? Because some you know yeah I'm a football coach, why the fuck would I die because some, you know, fucking Nazi dickhead decided to let the chopper fucking sing in history class. I'm not doing it. Yeah, this is currently about 20% of my Chicago set, but, but, yes,

yeah, it is certainly an interesting thing they have you do. Everybody who's going to the Chicago show is like, well, certainly he's got more than that. You know, I do, but it's not a whole lot. You know, then if I I really only have about three minutes worth of thoughts on it. And then if I give up those three minutes, then I've got maybe two. So but yes, man, school school is crazy. Yeah, yeah. Yeah.

What's up with the lunch box? What they have in there. Mm hmm. With white families be packing a sandwich and apple and us into Star Crunch and they kids lunch black sandwich and apple and a star crunch in their kid's lunch. Black family sends the kid to school with a rack of ribs, a big tub of mac and cheese and a crock pot and a big jug of tea mm-hmm and cookies and stew and stick an oxtail and oxtail stew Mm-hmm and plantain chips

What's that weird dough that the African guys slap into the weird broth and then eat it I forget what's called You know what I'm talking about. I it's got a a name but I don't know what the fuck it is. Yeah I'm not gonna guess cuz I feel like I feel like our guess it's Ethiopian right? I do believe so yeah I don't believe that it's I believe that. I'm gonna look up Ethiopian bread I'm just I feel like and if there zero results, then we'll know they don't have any in Jara No Fufu I'm gonna Google African dough, and I'm gonna see it looks like it says Fufu is a pounded meal

I'm so hungry do you have any pounded meal Yeah, that is it I literally googled African dog. I'm so hungry. Do you have any pounded meal? God I'm rough and fucking God. I'm famous my eyes are fucking Not bigger than my stomach. I need I need my pounded meal, and I need my fudu dough stat Yeah, that's it. Yeah, you get like a fucking handful of this shit and you throw it into some red water. And you swallow it whole, it says. Yeah. I heard it's pretty fucking good, depending on who makes it,

but I ain't never had it. Healthy African Foo Foo. I kinda just wanna throw that shit into the plate violence style. I see guys do it on the fucking cell phone and it really drives me wild not sexually speaking But it does seem quite fun, so I wanted to mmm stuffed Foo Foo

Dude I'm sorry. I don't have was there for that to pound my Foo Foo last night Guys I was gonna bring like homemade food to the office But I mean my wife forgot to pound Fufu So we don't really have anything to bring to you guys. I'm really sorry Do you pay my wife we're up late last night pounding Fufu Just kind of moving slow this morning. Yeah, I I'm starting a fusion restaurant. We make sloppy Joe's with Fufu. Mm-hmm We get we it's called sloppy Fufu. It's called sloppy Fufu.

Yeah, sloppy Fufu. Sloppy Pounding Joe. It's called Pounding Joe because we pound the Fufu. Pounding Fufu Joe sloppy style. That's kind of the staple of the restaurant. It's like a bit of American and then West African, Caribbean style thing. When I was a kid, I was real fat and my mom

would pack me what she thought. My mom didn't know like anything about food and stuff. And I think that's the case for like a lot of Southern moms and she was like 20 years old. So she would send me with a salad, a salad covered in ranch and then a big sprite. Because I don't know if your parents were like this but my mom, ginger ale and sprite were low calorie sodas. It didn't matter that they were the same sugar content as just an average coke. They were healthy for you somehow. My

mom would give me ginger ale or a sprite when I had a stomach ache. And it's just an average Coke, they were healthy for you somehow. My mom would give me ginger ale or a Sprite when I had a stomach ache. And it would just make it worse, and she'd be like, you gotta let it kick in. And I'd be like, okay, it's my mom. Anyway, the kids would be like, I would just have literally a salad. You know when you go to get a,

you go to one of those barbecue joints where it's buffet style and you get the salad and it's like three pieces of like iceberg lettuce and then just a bowl of ranch? That was my diet meal as a chubby like fourth or fifth grader. And then just like a 24 ounce sprite. And that was it. So basically not a nutrition meal at all. It's not necessarily diet food and it's not necessarily a cheeseburger but it's mostly just has absolutely no nutritional value whatsoever Aside from like three pieces of Walmart lettuce and then whatever you get from the ranch

I guess which was mostly just like mayonnaise and black pepper Other kids would be like what is this you're just bringing a shittiest lunch humanly possible to fourth grade and just getting cooked to fucking Death by the cool black guys Because cool black guy is like something that you know you get you weren't homeschooled I'm just I don't think one came to your house to give you the experience, but when you got to public school There's already cool black guys. You know what I mean like in elementary school. There's just cool black kids It's like you're born that way you know and they were like what kind of fucking shit is it they kind of got rid of ours? Oh? Yeah, you were out there in the in the in the sticks I met another guy from weather for did they we had two black guys total when I got to our school

In all grades oh shit, okay, but they they got more They leveled up because a bunch of Haitian kids got adopted. Yeah. So then like we only had black people with PTSD. I don't think it was a good introduction. Sure yeah. To yeah I don't think it was like I just think it should have been a more fully integrated school that they got to go to when they first got to America But you know did you I was gonna ask you and I already know the answer to the question because you said you only

Had two I Am I our high school we had a Confederate black guy Dead dead. So they're rare. We had one. yeah, he's a welder now, I think. Yeah. He was older. He was older at the school? But he went to the school, or? He was like in high school when I was in middle school,

I think. Oh, okay, yeah. He wore the, his name was, dude, check this shit out. Charlie Freeman. Shout out Charlie Freeman if you're still alive. That is a cool ass name, and very much like a Confederate black guy name, if you're still alive. That is a cool ass name and very much like a Confederate black guy name, if there ever was one. He would wear the real tight boot cut Wrangler. So you know the ones with the thigh and the calf are tight

and then they flare out. And then he had the square toes and then the Confederate flag belt buckle. And sometimes he'd wear the cowboy hat, but usually it was just like a camo hat and then like the big work flannel and that was everyday fit and

Yeah, he hung out with the shitkickers and And then after we graduated like five years later He came to Austin and messaged me on Facebook, and then he slept at my house for six days and like wouldn't leave He was partying in the city and just didn't want to go home and eventually like day six I was like, hey, did you get to fuck it? We weren't even friends in high school. He just He's like I think I'm gonna get drunk another night and sleep on your couch and I was like All right, and my roommates were like you got to get this racist black guy. You gotta get him out of here we don't know how to deal with this dynamic and

He had all the kind bars in the house and drank all the beer and then just took a bus back to Houston. Respect. Just showing up, Confederate black guy, eating all the white guy's snacks, drinking all his beer, and then just taking a Greyhound back home.

And texting you like, had fun man, see you next time. Not a bad move at all. Yeah. That was me You look good these days man. Yeah, you don't look like Charlie. You've you got like six inches shorter way lighter Yeah, yeah, I would love to be a huge Racist black guy, but I don't think it's I don't think it's in the cards for me anymore

I think I'm a think I'm a woke. I'm a white woke cook forever Same yeah, which is fine. You know to me Fine to come to terms with that like Everything's right wing now. You know which is you know so I'm just like a white soy guy. It's fine. You don't have to you don't have to do that I saw some podcast clip that was like the left doesn't keep doesn't allow anybody It and so the everybody goes to the right and they take everybody they let anybody in and

The whole context of that was like that's why left-wing people suck And right-wing people are cool or whatever or they're like more you know whatever and my thought to that was like if you become right-wing because like some blue-haired teenager like made fun of you on Instagram for saying like gay or something then you are already kind of like probably right- like these guys. I'm only left-wing because destiny let me jack him off with my feet Awesome that's how yeah, that was my favorite streamer and It was something I'd always wanted to do Mm-hmm, and it convinced me to switch sides

I actually had Confederate flags tattooed on my feet when this happened and I got them I got them changed to Whatever the black panther flag is I think it's a panther Yeah, it's two panthers now, and they're kissing Yeah, okay Kind of an updated rebrand. Yeah, I tried to pitch the gay black panther party to my local Block Association they are not actually super on board with it Yeah, yeah, I would imagine that that's probably not

Something that they're crazy about Malcolm XY Malcolm XCX yeah, oh yeah Martin Luther Queen Martin Luther Queen yeah, yeah God damn it smoke show Carmichael a st Smoke show Carmichael. That's Stokely Carmichael. Nice, nice. Yeah. What's the James Ball?

James Balls but James Balls tucked in. There you go. That's about all you're gonna get out of that. Louie Hair is blonde It's a ferricon how do you like WB does boys

All right, well that was enough of that segment, thank you guys But yeah, I think I Think it's good. I think things are going really well Right now it's like yeah, yeah, everybody seems to like an awesome mood you walk around Everybody's like we I'm hopeful for the future big big dog. Yeah, like. Oh man, yeah. Dude, I will say this. I just saw some CBS weather lady got fired for like, she was on the news, some small town anchor being like,

saying about Elon Musk's salute thing. And she got fired for that. So if, I mean, I think for like the last year, culture has been more conservative in general, but it really flipped, I think, in the last year culture has been more conservative in general but it really flipped I think in the last like three months and to that point the only people I see having a good time are like the people that I follow on Instagram from like way back in the day just from like high school and like early college and then a couple guys I met from the internet they're like I guess conservative whatever they look like they're having the

time of their fucking lives dude I mean they look like they're rolling in it man, even if their lives are still totally dogshit Which they are as most people are but they look like they're having so much fucking fun You know that Squidward meme when he's looking out the window and sponge Bob or Patrick or like gallivanting in the fucking front yard Mm-hmm. Okay, I'm Squidward and I have like blue hair and I'm gay You know and then I look out the window and there's just two guys dressed in fucking SS outfits and they're fucking hopscotching and drinking Coors Light and shit This is like they're having fun me and the ghost of Martin Luther King jr Two guys I'm looking at yeah, I'm just seething. I'm deceiving gay Squidward

And I'm watching you and MLK dress like shootstaffle guys. You're drinking ice cold fucking Silver bullets and y'all are hopscotching and smoking fucking Marlboro Reds having a dope ass time Goddamnit, man. Yo MLK you're the probably the only dude I would do something like this with because I feel like you would know if it was cool or not Yo, MLK. I would never dress like this with anybody, but your ghost. Yeah This is the only situation where I feel comfortable and he says honestly. I don't give a fuck I think I was wrong about a lot of stuff And I go I don't know about that man. I think you were right about a lot of stuff

I'm not gonna hold you Thomas. I think I'll fuck the game up bad Dope as hell y'all fucking have so much cool shit out here. Fuck man. Yeah. He says, I want you to know before we're done hanging out, I was reincarnated as Ben Carson. I was hella good at surgery, but I fucking think that maybe, you know,

I just maybe we fucked it up. I don't know. Maybe we don't need to have a house or whatever. I was the first guy to reattach Siamese twins as a prank Yeah, a much better doctor separated them. I just glued their backs together with yeah Industrial solvents and I mix and match them. Yeah, I put a Chinese one with a Mexican one I just see what they'd argue about you know I mean, And then they had and then there's they became one Filipino person Yeah, hella good at karaoke and kind of gay you know but just pretty sick nonetheless What's the gay side for that?

Filipino men I Mean I don't know those guys are good at fighting too. I think cuz the ties and the and the left-way guys They got they build sick as don't they build sick as houseboats they do But I every video I respect any culture that lives on houseboats. Uh-huh Yeah, Philippines houseboat. Can I see it? googling that Houseboat can I see it? Googling that

Every every fucking Filipino video. I see is as a like a five foot one guy perfectly singing Cindy Lauper like he's it's not that He sounds good singing. He sounds exactly like Cindy Lauper or he sounds like Fucking Celine Dion like they're doing karaoke over there, and he doesn't sound like a guy doing a good impression of a girl He sounds like Celine Dion like they're doing karaoke over there and he doesn't sound like a guy doing a good impression of a girl he sounds like Celine Dion and the inflection and the and like the vibrato and everything it's amazing and then I'll watch them make you a houseboat and I'll watch them make like a two-story hut with a pool in the jungle so I think they got a good thing going on down there for the most part can I see the house but I'm still laughing hey I was wrong about it still laughing about that is Martin Luther King jr. and I made a mistake you

should have said the whole content of your character thing turns out that fucking the kind of wishful thinking that I got killed so you know race war now Don't clip that god damn it fuck But yeah, I think ultimately And I've said this before I'll say it again, you know as As leading authorities on the left, I, you know, as leading authorities

on the left, I think, you know, our voices will be heard. And I think any opportunity to lampoon fascists, you know, is a good thing. I just think this comes at a great cost in this particular situation. I think if Hitler were alive today, I can confidently say that I would be featured on a Comedy Central roast of Adolf Hitler

and that I would, even though we'd shake hands and hug after, I think I would lay some real zingers down. Me and Jeff Ross and Tony Hinchcliffe and then 25 rapists Who have no career other than roasting? Yeah, just 25 fucking sea level guys who by the way I want their life Let me just make it clear I mean aside from the fucking and being a criminal, but make it clear, 25 C-level diddlers that just come out of the woodwork twice a year

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You think they make that much dude Some of those guys like those old comedy guys that just kind of fucking Like do shows like they're just road dogs forever I'm not saying their lives are enviable in so far as they have like relationships with their families But they do sell out like a lot like if it like if you like one of those dudes will roll through Austin I'll be like damn. I kind of want to go I watched his special like $2,000 all through their tickets sell out, dude I think there's something like about that like Gen X wave of like 90s early 2000s comics guys that weren't Chappelle or cook or Louie They just kind of they're just permanent road dogs like they've got names

They've been in movies, but they do sell out stuff so I Think they make good money. I would imagine. I mean they make fucking probably the equivalent of like 200 grand a year You know what I mean, which isn't like You're not fucking Gillis or she's listen then I make sure yeah peanuts to me, but I mean I work it I work at Goldman's Did you almost say what you do for a living? No, I was thinking of the name of the bank Goldman Sachs Goldman's have I've worked at gold. I work at Goldman's Bank. I work at Goldman Sachs

Golden sack we make big burlap sacks at Santa Clara carries a toys in I work at J.K. Morgan Okay, Charles, we make a pay stubs for companies to pay I work for the Lehman Brothers I work for It's a moving company I work for the Lehman Brothers. I work for Northrop. It's a moving company. Maybe instead of the Lehman Brothers, they should have been the Awesome Guys Brothers. It's like awesome. And then they wouldn't have gone out of business

for having too much money. I work at Northwest Musical. You come come in I sing you a beautiful song and then you walk out and you have a million dollars in the bank. That's kind of how that shit goes. It's gotta be funny for people who work in like the flagship stores in like the fancy parts of Manhattan they're like like there there are people who work in SoHo but it's for the Old Navy there. Yeah. Yeah.

I think about that sometimes. I can't imagine that working in like a Times Square clothing store or like a retail outlet, like you can't make that much and you probably trek from really fucking far. Because you're not living in Times Square and working at like the M&M store or like the Sephora or something. Like whenever we were in Chicago and I saw like the Ulta and shit, because in Austin, if you work at one of the swankier

joints, like the restaurants, you can afford to live downtown. I got a buddy who works at this place where it's like all celebrities and politicians and he fucking, he makes like over 150 grand a year. But the retail joints Like you have to you have to live like in Buda and then you because you're still making like $13 an hour Like you know set like hocking fucking iPhone cases and shit

So I will always whenever I've been in New York and I have been at Times Square I'm like what the fuck do these people live because there's no way live in the Bronx you think so probably Yeah, because you can take the you can keep taking the train up. Yeah, probably the Bronx you think so probably yeah because you can take the you can keep taking the train up yeah probably the Bronx which is there are nice parts of it but it's you know seems to be a bit of a I remember it would not not as awesome place to live in some parts there's a of, there's even some parts of the Bronx where I actually wouldn't feel super comfortable being. And I'm good in pretty much any hood. Yeah, you don't gotta check in anymore. Yeah.

Yeah, they gave you the pass. I wear a red flag and a blue flag and a black flag for Latin Kings and gangster disciples Just walking into like the housing project part of the Bronx was like three next to each other with every flag on and every Hat stacked eight high for like every major gang in the area and be like that's it's chill. I talked to Little stinky I talked a big sleep. I talked to Tony baloney. I talked to Harold I wish when y'all would try me right now What the fuck are you looking at looking at me like I'm a bitch Which would like a you look like a bitch with that ass

Looking at me like my bitch ass might look at you. You look pussy made and you look like you're made of soup Yeah, you look like you got dookie in your pants boy like you got piss at the tip of your penis boy your gun look like it put you put it in your ass you pussy look like is wet and he needs help the fuck out of here which one of my 16 I'm 16 help 16 help and I got eight hats which one of these is gonna make you mad I'm 15 years old I don't know where I am help I know you're just trying to on your way to the laundromat right now so you can do your laundry but what the fuck are you looking at

I'll rep every set to keep my fucking side of the street clean what are you doing you know you gonna go feed your family that's great I got Martin Luther King in the car right now ready to jump out and start some shit I got MLK, Malcolm X and fucking Lee Harvey Oswald Got Martin Luther King in the car right now ready to jump out and start some shit I Got MLK Malcolm X and fucking Lee Harvey Oswald already. They're fucking straight hitters everybody's ready to roll for me Help Lee Harvey milk Harvey milk was famous just for being gay Oh when he gets shot Harvey milk was famous just for being gay

Harvey Oswald with Jack Ruby shot him in Lehigh. Yeah, he's like, but I forgot Harvey milk got shot too. Yeah. Yeah, that's no good Yeah, I fucking I'm fucking Yeah, I fucking Fucking Yeah, everything definitely doesn't seem good. I feel I was trying to think about the last time I felt like excited And I was like doing like a benefit show For like some abortion clinic and like like a Bernie thing or whatever And I was like four or five is less time you're excited now when you buy your van No, like like for like When I was no when I bought the van

I think I was having some kind of I think I was hearing like seeing the green lines of the matrix code But I'm saying like for the state of the world like just just for feeling like like maybe something good might happen You know what I mean like just something something worth the fuck And then now yeah, I feel like I'm seeing videos of people that are like, we're bringing back the Gilded Age of America, and it's like a video of Margot Robbie, and she's like riding a scooter through like 70s New York,

and then it's like a video of Jordan Belfort, well, Leonardo DiCaprio as Jordan Belfort, and he's on a yacht. They make these mishmash of like America's back, and it's all depictions of either counter-cultural left-wing movements or it's depictions of like, movie depictions of gross American decadence of yesteryear.

And none of it is any real American doing anything that was real. It's just kind of a fictitious re-imagining. Which doesn't matter, by the way. I wanna make that clear. Everyone's like, sometimes you'd be like, oh, um, media literacy, but it doesn't matter to these guys. You know, they have like, uh, they want that, like to them, the world is some

mixture of Woodstock and like a 1988 stock sales floor all the time. And everybody's white and nobody's gay, but people are cool That's kind of what America Like it like should be Everybody's Christian too, but they do it, but they have a lot of money And they do fucking cocaine and they shoot people and everyone knows karate like John wick I think that's kind of like the Benny Johnson Jack posabi ik kind of idea of America

And all brown people kind of live Kind of living like a big mud hole somewhere like maybe like south of the border or something. He didn't have to look at him or whatever That's kind of like what they want aesthetically speaking Fifty years old help Help I'm 16 Help I'm 16 help me help. I need money. I need help Did you walking around the Bronx full like as you look now? I'm 16 and I need help help. I'm 16 help me

I'm cold. Let me in your house. I'm cold help me. I'm 16. I'm cold. I eat all my pancakes in my house help Well, why are you lost? How'd you end up here in the rock how to? You 16 you look rough kid. How the fuck did you my feet are cold? I need somebody's house to put them in help I don't have my robe you know Help Now my skin's cold help Don't have my robe Help Now my skin's cold help Hi, hi, hello

Hello the Bronx skinwalker You just look like a little bucket like vaguely ethnic 16 year old boy, let me in your house. I'm called help No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, hi. Hi. Hello. Help. Let me in your house. I'm called help Help help help help help help. Hi. Hi. Hello. Help. Let me in your house help. I'm 16. Help hungry help I'm 16 you have big canine incisors help help. I'm human. I'm 16 and I'm making my human stomach hurts My human skin is cold and gray, please help Hello, I can't find my human parents Hello, I can't find my human parents Mikey have you seen that guy? He's walking around saying his skin is cold and gray and he's human stomach is hurting I think I'm gonna let him in the house, but I'm not sure I

Don't know it might be the Bronx skinwalker Sounds like it could be. Oh here. He come oh hi. Hey hi Don't look at hi. Hey hey hey how's it going? Hey, hi help help Help my pants are long hi see he says things Hey help my belt buckle is round ah Help me. He helped me. I need somebody to zip up my middle middle of the zipper in them now

Don't he say I need my jacket zipped up and into the middle Tony He's clearly cold and his zippers hello my cold is out Mike. He's saying that his cold is out We gotta help him don't listen to him. Don't he's just I left my foods in the land help He's just... I left my foods in the land. Help! I forgot my pounded meal. I forgot my poo poo. Tony, he said he's forgotten his poop. We should just let him in the house. I forgot my sticky cassava dough.

My you. My fufu. My fufu. I forgot my Foo Foo. My pounded Foo Foo. I need someone to pound my Foo Foo. I'm only, I'm five. Tony he's telling me somebody's gotta pound his Foo Foo. Look at the kid. He look like he hasn't had his Foo Foo pounded in fucking ten years. Just let him in the house. He's not the Bronx skinwalker. I need to eat a piece of birthday cake. I haven't even had a birthday this year.

Look at the poor kid. He just wants to have a piece of cake. Come on in now. I need some of your finest decadent cakes. I've got so many kids. We're gonna get you spruced up in no time. You're not gonna take my skin off. Oh, yeah I'm gonna take off your skin

Okay, I told you he wanted to take your skin off. I want to take off a guy's skin He says it wants to be a guy though. It doesn't have to be me, you know You look good kid. Just head up on down the road to the police station that help you out Okay, thank you. Goodbye. Goodbye. Oh My god, we should have a bowling tournament on this show sometime I would love to go bowling and film that fucker. Well, no, it should be on the audio episode. Oh Strike Film that fucker well no it should be on the audio episode Strike looks like another strike for us just a strike again Yeah, perfect game. I'm bold a three both of us. Yeah, what a beautiful remember when we took uh

Eden's brother and that guy was like You tried to give I tried to get you tried to give him some advice and that guy walked up I was like he's just telling you the wrong thing And you were like oh Okay, yeah, I got bold like a fucking like 215 or something Yeah, he bolded one and you were like who's fucking right now pussy bitch, man And then he went home and killed himself and his whole family. Yeah, no he pulled the best game I'd ever seen he was really good. She was insanely good

I think it would have been funny if he was like it would have been funny if he was like hey that guy's just telling You the wrong thing and then he did bowl like a 40. I wasn't even telling him the wrong thing There was another thing No, yeah, yeah I'm saying he said that you were telling him to do the wrong thing and then he did proceed to bowl like eight strikes in a row Sideway style which yeah, you know just cool points for him for like it Just he was throwing it from like 10 feet behind the line also. Yeah So yeah, he had a shirt on he had the shirt on he had he everything about him screamed

I knew I know how to bowl and very good and I knew I know how to bowl and very good and Yeah, he just straight-up told Thomas yet no Or as the total eating brother. No, thank you. We're not doing all this don't listen to this fucking clown Listen to this fucking idiot, dude. It's okay. I You know There's some worlds where I walk in without much of an ego really and I would say bowling is one of them. Yeah, I do.

Where I'm like, okay, that's fine. Yeah. You know, that's why I could never have a kid who played sports is because I have other men showing my kid how to do things, you know? Yeah. And then I'd have to drug the other coaches Yeah, I'd have to hurt before they drove and then they had to get into accidents and I'd be like yeah kid looks Like he doesn't know how much much about pitching or driving he passed away in that accident This doesn't know much about ro-hip and all and operating a fucking Ford. Yeah Yeah, I think bowling's one of those to roof you myself and just head out into that dark highway someday

Yeah, yeah, just fucking just see how far I can get for it hits me. Yeah. Oh, dude. That's fun That's actually like a fun game to play. I Used to kind of play that but it was I was going to work. I used to try to time it I would try it when I was doing a lot of opiates. I't take I wouldn't take the deloaded before I got in the car. I would take the lauded when I was like 28 minutes from my job Because I knew that if I took it when I got in the car Then I would be on I-35 like completely not it out and so and I didn't want to contribute I wanted to be safe thomas

That's what i'm saying. So I would take it. I would take it on the road roughly 20 to 30 minutes before I got to my job and uh And then sometimes if I hadn't had anything to eat that day, which was most days it would hit 10 minutes before the job and then you just kind of on i-35 like You know, is that an exit? I don't fucking even... Why? Where's the entrance?

You know, I don't fucking... Everything's awesome. I love my life. My car overheats every 10 minutes and I have to pull off on the shoulder to fill it with distilled water. I have $10 in my checking account, but god damn, man. This shit's awesome. And then I would get to work and then I'd get sent home.

That's the life of a true baller with his fucking head on straight. Oh my god. Dude, being high as fuck again was cool. I got the feeling that I was like, why did I ever stop this? And then I just kind of like, you know, everything just kind of starts to go away, you know what I mean? Get away from me. And you're like, oh, yeah, yeah, that's probably why I quit.

Also, I think I don't know, Thomas, you can weigh in on this. I think it's probably safer to take just oxy from a guy than just something that you buy like a Valero that says like sleepy the sleepy pill or like or you know like Like like it's got three Z's and then that's all it is and then it's just like a like a soft pack of six chalky White pills with an H stamped on the center and it's sold next to the Clif bars Up there front by the gas station yeah I mean I think you know Oxy is probably one of those things where taking taking anything else is usually a good option

mm-hmm as opposed to taking it yeah and I can't really think of anything else where it's better to maybe just have something from a gas station than to And I can't really think of anything else where it's better to maybe just have something from a gas station than to have it. But I would say that Oxycontin is maybe one of those things where maybe even if it's fake Oxycontin, it might be better than taking Oxycontin, I don't know. Yeah, I guess I'm thinking in terms of like pharmaceutical grade versus just like. I'm just thinking in terms of you

Being able to not immediately have more of it. Oh, they're very addicting the ones from the gas station I don't I don't want to perhaps maybe even more so yeah cuz oxy like like real opiates like vikes and shit like If you're not if you're mainlining shit, obviously, it's gonna hit you It's gonna punch you in the chest real hard or if you're smoking it and you're snorting it. But if you just take the pill orally, you kinda have like a slow ramp up, starts in the legs, back of the chest, and then it kinda just, and then the warmth, and then you're high. But this shit, you take it like a pill and it just fucking hits you in the mouth. It's kinda like two, like in bone, but for painkillers. It just, fuck it, you take it and then 10 minutes later, like you're just, and it's got a super short half life. So like your high is fucked for like 20 minutes

or like half an hour maybe, and then you have to immediately take more, it wears off really fast. Whereas like with Oxy, like you get the extended release or you know, like with Dilaudid or whatever, you're kind of high for like a number of hours so are you taking kratom are you taking like the you're taking the

It's like a gas station opiate. Yes a gas station. So So it's called it says kratom alkaloids on the thing, but it's called the it's called 7o and I want to be clear. I don't want to I don't want this stuff to get banned I just don't think they should sell it at the I don't think they should sell it next to 5-hour energy anyway neither here nor there it's good it's so it's apparently synthesized from Kratom but the problem is is that that's loose and and it says it's from Kratom, and it's more than likely definitely not And so it hits really fucking hard, and it's super addicting super quick And the withdrawals are like opiate withdrawals and like SSRI withdrawals because it fucks with your like serotonin, too

mmm, and so I Was taking Kratom and then in classic Jake style I was taking kratom like last year because I was like kind of getting a little squirrely and Then kratom the problem is is it's all like a big root right and dirt basically So there's like a barrier to like really go into the fucking moon because your body can only process so much ash With this shit. There's no barrier. You just eat like one tablet and then you're fucking yeah and it's like not natural at all it'll say like on the package it'll say you know like naturally derived kratom alkaloid or something and it gets you high as a

motherfucker it gets you high as hell dude. It gets you high as hell, dude It really fucking sucks and All the names are goofy as hell. I Told I don't know premium. I was talking about it me my brother were tight He was asking me like I read your article man. I need nobody in this shit. I was like yeah Yeah, I got pretty bad I guess and then we got it well it went to the gas station up in the hill country And they had it in the middle of nowhere that these were called smurf 30s

country and they had it in the middle of nowhere that these were called smurf 30s. Fucking just amazing. The names are all like like hydroxy and like perks and like, you know what I mean? It's clear what it is. Yeah. But it wasn't it's not kratom. It's it's fucking it's just opiates, basically. And and I think it is good to have shit like that, kind of, because people who are in pain

and don't have health insurance, it is one of those things where I'm like, whatever, like bad drug policy got us here, prohibition got us here, so I'm not pro-prohibition or whatever. But I was like, damn, this shit fucking whips my ass. It's crazy How the fuck are they selling this next to Bob Marley?

Posters like how are they how are they selling this next to the big white tall tees that they sell at the gas station? The ones that are for some reason no matter what size you buy a small or a XL everything is fucking five Hey, you know I've talked about like you just go to get a shirt from the gas station Yeah, yeah, I don't think you should sell them next to that. That's all I'm saying Anyway, yeah Don't do that shit if you're thinking about it if you if I if I'm talking like this and you're like, hmm Jake I'm interested in this Maybe you're an adult maybe you don't have like my spirit which is just kind of this voracious Maybe you're an adult, maybe you don't have like my spirit, which is just kind of this voracious, like empty thing

that just has to fucking like consume and consume and consume until like I'm, you know, until I don't have anything else in my life. If you have like a normal ass spirit, yeah, go for it. But if you think you might be, you think you might have a little bit of the devil's magic in you, maybe don't touch it, you know what I mean? Yeah. I it you know what I mean yeah I you know I

would be interested if they had or if they had a pill that just tasted amazing mm-hmm but I had no effects so just like it like a maybe just like a little pill shaped thing that was like sweet or sour maybe maybe like tasted like a fruit or something Yeah, it could be like chewy even okay. Okay. I like where you're going with this. I Think I could eat a lot of those Maybe I've actually had problems with similar stuff before yeah, no, I remember I remember there like an aches Yeah, no, I remember I remember They're like an Ike's

Mm-hmm and Stubborn mollies starbursts are good starbursts skittles are amazing skittles are really good skittles are a type of pill and they are very Helpful and healing the mind they they're delicious sour skittles are actually they make you a lot tougher Yeah, they make your skin on your tongue like a sandpaper. Yeah. Mm-hmm. It's good to have calluses on your tongue from sour candy. And be fully 25 years old.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So I've gotten to where I like, I guess I don't talk as much throughout the day anymore. And so I'll like, I say things at the store a lot okay and I and I'll say stuff while I'm walking on the sidewalk a lot like earlier today I was just walking to the sidewalk and I went I'm hungry and there was just me and like one other person on the sidewalk walking the same direction

And then we walked together for like three blocks same pace Of course, yeah, I got to the place where I was gonna eat food. Yeah, I went I'm hungry Mm-hmm, cuz that was the thought that went into my head But yeah, I was thinking that because the other day I was standing in front of some chips or something I went oh, I want these are yummy. Oh, yeah, and I why did I say that out loud? Yeah, I do that all the time then I go oh yes Mm-hmm. I love it. I don't know if it's like I've been cooped up a lot I'm like poorly socialized now cuz I like

Whatever, but I do the same shit. I like, there's a gas, we live downtown and the gas station is like two blocks and I was like walking to the gas station and I was like, going to the gas station. Just to myself. Just going to the gas station and then I wanted a liquid death and a cliff bar and then I got like across the street, I was in the middle of the road crosswalks. I was on and I was like Mango liquid death Same thing and I don't know why I do it. Yeah, it's just the it's just the thought and then my brain Yeah produces the sound or whatever You're probably not alone in that I probably happens, but then again I've walked around outside a lot and i've never heard her see anyone do that

So i don't see homeless people do that Let's say time to jack off in public time to pull my balls on smoking crack i'd love to smoke crack smoking oxy Time to smoke one of my co-workers today was saying that on the train to work There was a guy who was in a phone argument But he was speaking into a calculator That fucking dude that's so you don't stop playing with me Fuck you up right now. I'll fuck you up bitch. I told you once I told you twice pussy ass just one of those big TI-83s fucking graphs on the screen

hey hey hold on I'm losing service yeah when I was on the when I was on a bus in Austin I was gone in town I watched a guy with the he just went full Jeff Jarrett mode on another homeless dude he had an acoustic guitar He just fucking smashed this other homeless dude over the head with it full like it made the sound to kind like if It looked cheap like one of those you'd get like at like a flea market like it had it looked like one of those Like you go to like a Mexican flea market It was like yellow and it had like three strings that were made out of like Twine or something like this guy was not shredding on it. You know what I mean?

and They were yelling at each other about like shoes or something And then he just gets up and fucking dying right on top of the dude's head and it like went over The top of his head, you know cartoon style and the guy stopped the bus and they both got off Then they were yelling at each other and the guy still had the guitar on his head Which was which was nice for a guy like me just kind of a perfect moment for somebody who just doesn't I think maybe you know? Empathy for sure I have it, but if something funny is happening I one overrides the other you know Absolutely

It could have been part of an act though could have been awesome you know could have been just for Spotify streams you know artists are nowadays all the playlists and everything did they not you weren't I guess around the time that they were popping off you were still in high school when I went to when I moved to Austin like 2012 I was I just turned 18 flash mobs were really big like I was like the oh we're like on subways or whatever people play music or well or whatever Austin has a lot of parks and a lot of like bigger public places They don't have like they have buses and stuff They don't really have like trains and shit

So it would be a group of like 10 to 15 white people and then you would be like walking around Zilker and then they would be walking and then they would just stop and Then you would hear like somebody with like a JBL or something would play Play like a musical song or like a beat or something and then they would all just start a choreographed dance for like two and a half seconds and then at the end they would stop and laugh and hug each other and like take selfies and stuff and then everybody else at the park is like you know drunk or like on acid or something or trying to walk their dog but yeah that that happened like two to three times to me while I was living in the

city it had like a two- year window where they were real popular. And I always had the feeling of like. Must have been an Obama administration thing. People feeling good for a while. It was definitely. His second term he had beat Mitt Romney. There was this like kind of overarching sense of like, mm, nice.

Maybe we're all black. Yeah, maybe we're all maybe we're all immigrants. That was one of my favorite things I ever heard when I was in college. I kind of like walking around like we're all technically immigrants, which is just a brilliant, brilliantly well-meaning stupid thing to say. Yeah, genius.

It's so awesome. Like I remember reading a poem some lady wrote about like How she loved her like immigrant lovers. Oh I think and like their smell. Yeah, I think I know what you're talking. Maybe she was like the scent of my immigrant lover Yeah, like my lovely. Yeah, she like meant it in like a positive way, but it's like I love this stinky guy that I'm like a Greenwich Village like fucking bangs idiot girl. I don't think I don't think it's good to Do a whole lot of like scent related

To that Lebanese guy probably doesn't think about her at all so that's all you know what I mean like not at least not In that way he's probably goes to college with her. Yeah, it's probably her art professor Yeah art history professor. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, I love my 62 year old lover I love the smell of my 62 year old Lebanese guy that fucks me in my studio apartment And fuck those like cucumber and red onions in the East Village. Yeah, it smells like that's ekey sauce Just fucks the hell out of me in between art history and fucking Greek philosophy Dude being a New York idiot bimbo must be awesome I'm not saying that cuz getting fucked by old professor sounds cool So none of you start but it just seems like such a fucking eat like the guy version just fucking uh

Just fucking you've got like a school shooter haircut and just like a big-ass shirt and Like work jeans, and then you just study literature And then you just take over your dad's fucking like mid-level finance capital thing. But you just, five years you just walk around and you just go, I don't know man, shit's crazy. And then you just fucking get your dick sucked all day and you do ketamine. And you drive like a old, your dad had, still he kept his old late 80s, you know those bad ass box like square body Mercedes real boxy low to the ground He's they've got the fucking cool mirrors and shit. They got the phone in there and then you're just driving around New York You know, like yeah, that's my dad's one of the headlights out and still has a phone in it and the phone doesn't work

But you've got the girl from art history in the passenger seat and you pick it up and you go history in the passenger seat and you pick it up and you go Tom Tanner speaking huh, and she fucking loves that shit, dude. She thinks it's so awesome She thinks it's fucking great and your whole life's planned out for you You can pretend to be a poor artist for like five years before you go shave your head and fucking start wearing Hugo Boss suits and making the world a worse place You make art that sucks, dude and making the world a worse place. You make art that sucks, dude. You make fucking shitty art all day,

and you do ketamine, and you just go, fuck, dude, it's crazy. One thing I noticed rich people do here is a lot of them don't have cars. But they also won't ride public transportation, so they just take an Uber everywhere they go. Yeah, I know guys who live in Dallas that are like that. They're like, yeah, they don't. Well, Dallas has no public transportation. But all my rich buddies that live in Dallas that are like that. They're like yeah, they don't well Dallas has no public transportation

Well my rich buddies that live in like Highland Park. They'll uber from like Highland Park to like Midtown or was it yeah? Yeah to like go drink or whatever because they won't take there is like a bus. They won't take that but there's also this so they'll just pay they'll just have a guy like One guy I know in particular he always pays extra for the uber select or like the uber whatever the fucking black That's what why do you think that is though just like a class like they don't want to take public transport But they also a lot of people I mean a lot of people think that Partially the trains do sometimes like they're crowded or whatever that partially the trains do sometimes like they're crowded or whatever or delayed. You know, there's always construction.

Also, a lot of people see the see public transport is like super dirty and unsafe. Um, which it's definitely dirty. And, uh, depending on the train can be like pretty jarring if you're not used to it like I and also like I feel like for women it's a lot worse yeah we transport here yeah like I've seen multiple guys penises on trains and I've seen multiple Guy's penises on trains, and I've lived here less than a year Yeah, a couple other day. Yeah, just other day Other day a guy walked on the train his pants are just full of poop Smell like doo-doo and then I

Yes, I think generally just just a better experience to take an uber typically and then you can just go directly there you don't have to walk fucking half a mile no matter where you go mm-hmm that's another part of public transport but in I mean kind of depends on where you are too yeah but yeah I mean if you could just have a guy drive you around it would be way easier You know, I think fucking nobody has a car though in like the cool parts of like Manhattan or whatever though Cuz there's just nowhere to park and yes you like pay for parking It's like we have a driveway or something

Which if you're if you're that rich and you can have whatever you you want in this life you know what I mean it doesn't really matter whether you have a car yeah you'd probably have slaves too for sure yeah 100% yeah there's you have like a butler and stuff and like an indentured servant yeah I don't know I get like I'm still thinking about the poem and I'm thinking like for so many years I guess since like the mob got taken down Rest in peace to the to the crime families I feel like New York has just been this place and it was then too to some degree But since the mob was gone and like, you know left-wing militant political groups were gone

it's just kind of a place where like children of like State department big wigs just go to pretend to be like Jack Kerouac for like five years. Like when I get to, whenever I've walked past the universities or I'm in a part of town where a lot of the students live, I get this feeling that like everybody is doing,

like there's a movie playing in these people's heads and it's like It's either like boy in the guy in the big city Just just trying to get by just trying to make drawings of girls in the bathtub and then for the girls They walk by and they have this look in their eyes. I guess every dream. I've ever wanted it waiting for tonight And the guys are like every day I make a drawing of another girl in a bathtub. And then, waiting for tonight. And it's just that.

It's just that. And then alongside that, yeah, there's a guy with his balls out and one of them is open, like the skin. Or like next to him is a dude just a pant full of poop. And you know, wait, I gotta make another drawing of a girl's butt, I gotta post it on Instagram. Like that, like, there's no,

I know that the city's dangerous, obviously. There's fucking millions upon millions of people stacked there, and next door to like a millionaire, like a billionaire row is like a place where people go to die. Like, you can't not expect crime when you Have those places that those that do like economic social dynamic whatever the fuck that being said there is something funny about the fucking just like

Like I want like if I could have if there was like a life experience machine. I think it would just be like a 98 IQ son of a venture capitalist or like diplomat that goes to NYU or like Tisch or Columbia or something for four or five years and then just like draws, yeah like draws fucking women with cheekbones all day and then just like, like smokes ketamine, snorts ketamine, smokes heroin like two to five times, and then just fucking vibes, and then, you know, like, then after that life's just kind of yours, you know? Yeah, that's kind of what I'm doing right now, basically.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Um, uh, and people think it's easy. I'm majoring in, majoring in art criticism. So I'm majoring in not making the art, but judging it. So that's been difficult for me as a 25 year old college freshman. I feel like I don't fit in with all of my classmates, but that's okay.

Still trying to, you know, me and know that stuff to kind of try and fit in I spent about half of my monthly income on eat an equinox membership Of course and cool. Yeah, keep yourself like fit. You know yeah, I don't pay my rent. I just pay for equinox Dad pays rent that's dad and mom are foot in that fucking bill yeah, I forgot yeah, I forgot they paid that they paid and and and but Equinox That's on you cuz your dad told me I guess I do that off my commissions. Yeah, you're right take I I'll take pictures of girls feed at school And then I'll send them a Venmo request for 500 bucks for photography and hey it don't always work out

But when it does that's 500 bucks. You know to me. They usually just think it's our Butler or something That's for money, so yeah, some sort of blackmail scheme. Yeah Yeah Goddamn, man. What I love being a bitch Yeah, you know I love my gold Porsche to the to Harvard every every day and I park in the Presidents. I park in the gold parking spot The life of a real rich New York socialite It's I drive to Massachusetts

Yeah, I drive to Hartford, Connecticut. I live in I live in Times Square, but I drive to Harvard every day. Yeah, I live above the M&M store Yeah, I live in the big like clock tower apartment up there and I fucking driving my gold Porsche every day to fucking Wherever Harvard is in Massachusetts, it's it's over by Boston. I think it's a and Massachusetts. It's over by Boston. I think it's, it doesn't matter. Can I ask you a question? Did you ever think you were gonna go,

like you were gonna be the smart guy from Texas who went to Harvard? Yeah. Yeah, me too. Definitely, I was definitely. Me too, man. I looked up how much senators made when I was in high school.

Yeah, same, yeah. I thought, okay, so I could become a mayor, and then I could become a state representative, and then I could, and then I, yeah, then I was like, wait, law school takes this long? Yeah. Shit. Yeah.

I hate high school. Yeah, uh-huh, uh-huh. Okay, I'll just be an architect or engineer instead. Cool. I'm still gonna go to MIT though. Yeah. I remember. I was like, cool, where can I get into? Okay, MIT though. Yeah, I Was like where can I get into okay? Not UT? Okay? Yeah, that's fine UT Arlington perfect. Yeah, it looks like we're on

Fast track to the fucking big leagues here. Yeah. Yeah, I Remember very distinctly like for some reason just the delusion of being like Okay, I don't have anything going for me, but I did see Good Will Hunting, and my dad does work in the plants, and my mom was 16. So I guess I have all of the accoutrements of a child genius,

but as it turns out, I'm missing the one thing that's kind of crucial to that narrative and it's being an intelligent person. It's being smart. But I was convinced. When I found out what Harvard was, I was like, I'm gonna go there. Like fourth grade, I was like, Harvard,

I'm gonna go there, cause it's where presidents go. And I told like everybody, all my parents, friends, and I was like, I'm gonna go to Harvard. And I didn't even into high school. Even and I was like I'm gonna go to Harvard and I can't even in the high school even when I was like doing keyboard cleaner and stuff I'm like I'm gonna go to Harvard. I'm gonna be the renegade Harvard guy as It turns out Harvard doesn't accept people from the bottom 25% of their graduating class of 400 people just It turns out they don't they're kind of really against that. That's not kind of how they roll It turns out they don't. They're kind of really against that.

That's not kind of how they roll. And so that was kind of, and Yale kind of the same deal, Stanford kind of the same deal. And UT kind of the same deal, U of H basically the same. Most universities basically the same deal. St. Edward's University though said, we'll give you a lot of money to come here. We love your story, son.

I don't mean to brag, but I was in the third quartile not the fourth. Oh So you were oh nice, okay? So you're what like just straight in the middle just like 50% Yeah, something like that beautiful beautiful man. I wrote a scholarship essay for my buddy who Was like ranked lower than me in the class and then he got like a $3,000 scholarship And I was like damn I should've written that for me. I didn't, so neither of my parents actually went to college, and so I didn't know, I was trying to Google, I didn't do anything.

I took a lot of the AP tests, because they were like, I did do that. I took most of them. I think the one I didn't do was math, because I failed algebra, algebra two, and then I almost failed geometry. But I took most of them. I think the one I didn't do was math because I failed algebra, algebra two, and I almost failed geometry. But like, I took a lot of the AP tests and so I had some credits, but I didn't know how to write the essays. Yeah. So I would just, I literally was sending Thomas, I was sending 500 word essays of like literally the worst shit that ever happened to me in my life as a kid to just admissions offices,

like from here to like New York. I was like yeah when I was five like because that's what I thought because I didn't have anything going for me I just wanted to make them feel bad for me. I was like yeah my dad is a crackhead and my mom like loves slot machines and my dad used to throw baseballs at me and shit and and then again nothing about how I'm like a student they could like contribute to the intellectual rigor at the university It was literally just like how my life I only applied to one college really yeah I did toward it, and I didn't like it then I went there and I dropped out

That is a boss ass move. He had to pay like 50 bucks to apply to colleges. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, I wasn't doing all that. I didn't work at a restaurant I Got him waved you couldn't have gotten him waved. I got like you know, it's news to me Okay, yeah Yeah, I had to go I looked around and found I'll try that now. I'm 25 and I've dropped out of college five or six times Dude in collections with Tarrant County College You have debt from the school that directly I got a Pell Grant revoked That's fucking awesome, and now I owe them like almost two thousand dollars. I think yeah

Fuck that dude fuck them for dropping my classes. I got it revoked for dropping classes. Oh Dude, fuck them for dropping my classes. I got to revoke for dropping classes Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah Then I had to pay and then I had to pay even for a second semester when I hadn't even signed up for classes Beautiful for it because part of the Pell Grant was for that But I got the Pell Grant and I immediately spin it on a surgery for my cat yeah, then Turns out That was off on a surgery for my cat. And then, turns out, that was a, someone say not a great move, but it was okay. Live and learn.

Also, to the collection agency that keeps calling me, you're gonna have to keep calling for a while, because I gotta be in a whole different situation to answer that phone call. I will take care of that at some point, but just know that Sometimes you have to be a winner and sometimes you have to fucking make a game-winning shot like me and sometimes that game-winning shot Sometimes the Damien Lillard moment is hanging up the phone. Oh, of course. Yeah. Yeah you app dude the best moment for me

I'll accept a call because they'll call from 512 numbers now They'll spoof like a local number and I'll accept a call. Because they'll call from 512 numbers now, they'll spoof like a local number. And I'll pick it up and be like, hello, this is Jacob Rhodes. And I'm like, this could be the apartment complex, this could be like, you know, my doctor or whatever. So I'll answer it.

And then they'll go, how are you on a recorded line? Beep, as soon as I hear how you're on a recorded line, it's over. I don't answer a phone call if I don't recognize it. And that actually led to me not getting it. As somebody tried to call me for a job interview several times and I went, oh, you're not getting me.

Nope. And then I went and read the transcript and I went, oh, ah, well. Mm, yeah, that was a critical loss. Yeah, that sucked. Anyway, I gotta eat dinner. Oh yeah, of course. But thank you guys for listening.

Just check out the premium episodes at patreon.com slash pendejo time do that, please We've got five bucks a month what one dollars a month gets you access to the discord our bustling discord $5 month gets you our whole We have an ad read oh We do yeah And now we're gonna do an ad read. Oh we do? Yeah. And now we're gonna do our ad read. Let me, oops, wow. Is it for hims?

Yeah. We can just, how about we wrap this episode up and then we'll insert it in the middle. Okay, yeah that's fine. Because they want it mid-roll anyway, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, so yeah, go to patreon.com slash video time. Five bucks a month gets you access to our backlog of audio episodes.

And there's one new one every week, premium. And 10 bucks a month gets you all our video episodes. So check that out. Check out the YouTube There time worldwide give us a follow on Instagram Padejo time worldwide Thanks for coming to the Chicago shows if you're an Iowa motherfucker. I'll be in Cedar Rapids at the ideal theater February That Saturday February 1st. I do believe with my buddy Matt Banworth. You can find tickets at Matt Banworth comm

I've been Austin the 28th of this month next Tuesday and then I will be in Austin again at the Velveeta Room the first one is at creakingcave.com the show is called Lady Titty and then the motherfucking Velveeta Room Austin All Stars February 13th Thursday at 8.30 you can find those tickets at VelveetaRoom.com. Okay. Bye.