Pendejo Time - The Doo Doo Machine

Episode Date: March 14, 2025

I am interested in your Doo Doo Machine Support the show

Yeah, sir. It's one motherfucker to the two motherfucker. Let's get a pop in here. Yeah. Yeah. Uh-huh. Three motherfucker, four motherfucker, five. I got my boy Jake in here.

Yeah. Every goddamn day we feelin' alive. Six motherfucker, seven motherfucker, eight. There is no room in my heart for hate. Damn, I like that. Nine motherfucker, 10 motherfucker, 11. Only through salvation can you enter heaven. Damn. 12 motherfucker, 13 motherfucker, 14.

I do not talk to girls that are 14. That's that's about it. I'm working on like a cool youth pastor. Working on a cool youth pastor rap. You know what I mean? Like he swears, but he's he cares. You know what I mean? Mm-hmm What do you think about that? I like that a lot Did you guys have like I know your church was like different cuz your dad was a preacher did you guys have like? designated youth guys yeah, we just well, uh Yeah, we did and then later on we went to like the non-denominational ones that were basically Baptist churches too and those had that like

Like the hype beast one. Yeah that yeah white dude with dreads Yeah, fuck. Yeah. Yeah, pretty cool. That's cool, man. I like how they have to like I Wonder whose decision it was to like okay, we should have a younger cooler preacher To reach out to the kids. Because I don't know, for me, when I was a kid, I just, it didn't matter. The preacher that ran the church was like my cousin and he was like a fire and brimstone Calvinist guy.

Like a lot of the sermons would be like, a lot of you people in here are going to hell. And you know, can't really know who, but you can come to church, you know, do everything right. And then, you know, after that, we would like go into youth and it would be like, kickflips are awesome, and it's because of Jesus.

And I remember thinking like, well, they seem like two different messages. I'm getting conflict, I'm getting conflicted ideologies here. Yeah. This is how if I was a youth pastor I'd be the one that, I'd be the mysterious one. Okay. Yeah, you kids got a lot to learn. Not for me though. Pastor Thomas, can I ask you a question? No. Oh, okay, sorry. I'm brooding. Okay, when are you going to be done brooding?

In one second. Okay. What's your question? Pastor Thomas, I've been having some urges. What kind? Well, I know that the Bible says it's wrong, but I've been having urges about other guys, and I just didn't know who to come to. And you're so cool and brooding That I figured you know maybe you

Have dealt with something similar Because you're always so mysterious And you have such a cool leather jacket, and you're so Christian Look I'm gonna tell you something over somebody told me a long time ago. Lean in. It's a secret. I'm leaning Thomas. Sometimes it takes a man to solve a problem.

But sometimes it takes a woman to solve a man but sometimes it takes a God to solve a woman okay okay so I guess I'm just scared of going to hell because I think I might be, you know, maybe, maybe gay. Gay? Yeah. What the hell are you gay, what? That's what I meant by urges. In your mouth or your... Oh That's what I meant by urge out there

um Well, I guess neither yet, but that's kind of the whole point of the conversation is I don't know how to move forward I Don't know if I want to hold on to one or if I want to look at one You know what I mean? That's not mine or maybe just maybe just gauge it You know what I mean like see one and see how I feel when I get there. You know what I mean? But I guess Do you ever feel mysterious um No, I mean

Yeah, I guess sometimes if when I'm reading the Bible and I have my urge You know, I'm like I got to keep this a secret from mom and pop. If pop knew about my urge, Tom, miss, he would spank my little hide red as the devil's legs. And so I have to keep my, mm-hmm, I have to keep my urge a secrethmm. I have to keep my urge a secret Not even mama know about my urge Well I can I can tell you're getting straighter because you're getting

Less less literate as we speak Thomas is that the power of the Lord working through you and into me to kill my urge? I become less lit less lit Less able to know what no word good, and then I don't have my urge no more I'm gonna satiate you oh Wow with with my words Okay, let it let him wash over me like a like a like a piece of water. I Ask all the demons and all the devils in the Bible To come into this man and rip apart his soul and make his life terrible

wait torture him with evil and to punish him and stab him Take his soul and smash it against the rocks and then smash it against the rocks. No, I don't want that I just want to smash him smash him against the devil's rocks Which are hot and spiky Take this man's soul and Fuck the hell out of it and kill him and stab him and cut him into pieces Well, will that take care of my urge if no, they are just will continue Make the urges stronger so I'm for it

So I'll be torn asunder and raped by demons and my urge won't go away He will not be raped, but you will be tortured and killed. Okay, that's okay then I Guess that's fine. I would never wish something like that on a person Yeah, but I wish for torture and killing and spinal killing. Spinal. Kill his spine and kill his back. Break his spine and back and kill and break his head. Lord, we ask that you kill this boy and that you destroy him and use your word to kill him and cause internal bleeding causing for the explosion inside of the boy

Amen Did you have anything else you were worried about Well, I guess that about covers it pastor Thomas. Thank you. You're welcome Do you would you like to hear a song? Oh? Wow learned on the guitar. I would love for you to lead us- I've been learning guitar recently. Yeah, lead us in worship, Pastor Thomas.

Yeah, lead us in worship, Pastor Thomas. This is a song I've been learning on the guitar. Okay, lead us to the Lord through your music. Let us feel his warm hand. That's a loud song. Let us feel his warm hand. That's a loud song. Is it? I can't hear it at all.

You can't hear it? No. It's very scary. Well I can't hear it on purpose, because I don't want to. Well, let me guess. Scary tension suspense. It's very loud. I can't hear anything, Pastor Thomas.

Is it actually really loud? Yeah, there should be a volume slider on the word of the Lord to the bottom of the soundboard of the Lord. Okay, sorry. It was almost at the bottom, but now it's basically at the bottom. It's still so loud! Really? No, there it goes. Okay. There's an insane delay on this, which is awesome.

And that's something I created with my guitar. How about this? This is a little bit more cheery probably. Could you hear the boing, Pastor Thomas? No, but I know what boing sounds like. Oh. Why didn't you say anything earlier before we started preaching?

Because it did start work. It was working and then it stopped. And now it's time for another song that I wrote. Happy Christmas. Uh, it turns out that's not really a song, but it's more of a chord that I learned It's a beautiful chord and it pleased the Lord What's your favorite song probably The drinking gourd it's an old drinking gourd. Mm-hmm. It's an old work song that my dad used to sing

Follow the drinking gourd. It's about following a little dipper to freedom. That's beautiful. Mm-hmm It's about being a slave to the system of the devil right and becoming free from slavery through making purchases like a Jesus Christ welcome mat or hamburger yes I love burgers AI pastor Thomas you must read your Bible and take a picture of your sins To upload to my angel database

For an ultimate heaven experience, okay. I'm sending my picture to you now of my urge Here's my urge has been uploaded to the angel database okay computing punishment oh your punishment will be 1 million lashes to the face and arteries with several daggers and demons blood okay does that mean afterwards upload next urge uploading my other urge urge to hurt animals urge uploaded computing punishment punishment has Punishment has been computed your punishment will be one slice of cheese pizza Wow That sounds pretty good. I miss not really a punishment. It's not really like a reward so much I mean, I'll take it. You know, I think hurting animals with that baroni

That's a plus I I want to hurt animals pastor Thomas stuffed crust I killed a kitty with dad's hammer pastor Thomas I feel bad I need help one two liter Pepsi and complementary garlic sauce. AI Pastor Thomas, are you giving me an ad for Domino's in the middle of our urge ceremony? Hot and ready. Wait, that is Caesar, Little Caesar. Domino's is a pizza you can have Well, Pastor Thomas a I come up with a slogan nobody knows It's not delivery. It's Domino's

Their slogan should be it is delivery and it's Domino's Do you think the pizza would be bestowed with some sort of holy light or perhaps? Magic that would kill my urge to hurt small animals pizza will be brought by a 23 year old alcoholic to your apartment Will he help my urge he will not help you at all He will not even bring the pizza to your door. He will call and say he is lost, but he is at the entrance of your apartment complex and does not want to find out which building you're in. He is ashing a cigarette on your pizza box okay well for the Honda Civic from which you can hear suicide boys from in your apartment okay I got the piece on playing is

Carrollton okay okay I've got the pizza it's not a guy to ash on it and I eat it right? I don't have any more bad and evil thoughts. Yeah, I did not say that Here goes nothing ow Well, ow No, ow Pizza enjoyed this pizza tastes. Holy I can already feel it working Yes This pizza tastes holy I can already feel it working Yes

Pizza holy Pizza has been enjoyed to ultimate extent now pour a glass of Pepsi Okay leaders pour a two liter glass of Pepsi Okay, we're a four liter glass of Pepsi with two liters of ice Okay Six liters of liquid. I hope this is gonna solve nope Two liters of liquid and two liters of solid to keep the liquid Icy coal

Okay, here goes This ice is making a weird sound that's the sound when when Pepsi trickles through the ice And it's fizzing That sounds like good cola. That's what I like soda to sound like. I drank it. It's helping my urge. Soda to sound like I Drank it It's helping my urge Yes Pepsi is the opposite of a boy

You mean spiritually speaking like like the the ododicy or whatever the eschatologically sure Well some words that God does not know because he has no use for them Okay, for example Kafka esque Right. What is what does that mean? That's not a word the Lord needs to know. Right. I think it would maybe mean like a guy that wrote some books. He only speaks English also. So if you do not speak English, you will not enter heaven.

God only speaks English? God only speaks English. Even the Bible. He did not know what it said for a long time So the new international version is the one that he has the national The National Basketball Association new administrative version is the Nba and AV. Yes is the NBA and AV Yes is the official God version the Bible Yes, I am working on it now

Could you give me a popular verse of the NBA and AV? Yes For a chopped ass hoe, for if some fine shit is acting chopped, then the hoe might as well be chopped Also that's on them and that's on if the And that's all right now there's I'm working on it still on the version If a fine shit is acting chopped she is chopped if a fine shit is acting Coming correct then she can enter the kingdom of heaven

Yes the women's version of heaven what happens in the women's version of heaven they were bikinis Is that the Lord's decree or is it voluntary yes God makes actually only when they're grown-up women I just remembered that a lot actually Way more than anybody else as it turns out I just imagine getting blown up by Israel and you wake up in a bikini not good Yeah, that would probably be bad not good. I don't want to kid. I don't want anyway want to get I don't want anyway are you short-circuiting AI pastor AI Thomas oh I am long-circuiting oh yes yes yeah okay and my urge is coming back yes urge calculated what urge is it the urge is to smile smile twice smile accepted punishment generating your punishment is two years of Deployments in Iraq for another Gulf War For smiling I have to go serve my country smiling

One year for each smile Two years is a long deployment. Not for two smiles. Maybe if you read the NBASVB, which I am working on, you would know. Basketball Association Spanish Version Bible? Yes. basketball association spanish version bible yes it can only be read by a couple of guys ever my favorite spanish-speaking nba players

bike carlos basketball uh... like uh... and we did Carlos basketball? Like maybe Shaquille O'Neal. Shaquille O'Neal. My name is Shaquille O'Neal. How are you? My name is Shaquille. Or Michael Jordan. Or my god, my, uh, what's fucking Spanish for Michael Larry burr?

Larry burr Dennis roll me Let's see now I am googling Mexican NBA player I don't think there is one man There's an underrepresented thing. No, there's a few. Jaime. Jaime. Hack, Yakwes? Yeah, yeah.

He's pretty good, I think. Adam Perrata. Juan Toscano Anderson. I'm just reading basketball, people. Well thank you AI preacher Thomas for helping my urges. You're welcome. Enjoy war. I have to go to war now. Fuck you bitch.

All right. I don't want to fucking go to war. Fuck you bitch. Alright. I don't want to fucking go to war. Well, they wouldn't draft me, I don't think. I don't think that, I think I'm too old. They don't want an old crone like me to work the damn gunner. Plus I probably, I probably would desert. I think I would 100% be one of those guys in Vietnam that just like stayed back and you know

maybe like took a boat to the Philippines or something and you know got a Got one of them dang girlfriends. They got down in the Philippines that what make you all types of rice dinners and Teach you at kickboxing Yeah, I don't think I would I don't think I would be good in war. I don't know. I would be really good. I think this is one of the things that I don't have any hard numbers. Thomas the killer.

Thomas the evil killer of guys, grown up guys. Grown man. You keep wanting to talk about killing kids on this episode. I keep killing kids And am I the only I'm doing Sam am I the only one I ever can't stop by killing kids talking about killing kids Every time I talk to people What you do for work? Oh, I kill kids. Yeah, what do you do for work? Well, let me guess killing kids What you do for work man, I in tech oh you make tech to kill kids mmm, oh you work for Apple what do you

Put a poison Apple that a little boy eats and dies I Work for Google Google how to kill kids all day. Oh, yeah, you work for Google. I bet there's a bunch of goo and it's your goal to eat it all Yeah Yeah, I thought of that one a few years back Yeah, that would think that really could have taken my career a long way by now. We could have been something Oh you work at Google. I bet there's a bunch of goo and it's your goal to eat it all. Mm-hmm

Well, you work or you work at Oracle To eat it all. Mm-hmm. Oh you work. Are you working oracle? Oral is cool to you cuz you're gay. Mm-hmm. Yep. Yep. Oh You work at You I Can't think of any other we work at Amazon. You you want to have a man? I can't think of any other we work at Amazon you you want to have a man On your penis Yeah, oh you work for

You work you What do you work where you look for the fucking shit? You work for Palantir? I'm gonna get a go I'm gonna grab and tear a hole in your ass and make you bigger so we can both Fuck the hell out of you, dude Okay, yeah, all right, there we go and now you're stupid for that. Mm-hmm. Okay. What's that happens to you? I work at a doo-doo machine happens to you? I work at a doodoo machine. Not my doodoo machine sir. Sir please sir please get your sir please get your hand out of your doodoo machine. I'm conducting a routine traffic stop. Get your hand out of my doodoo machine. I paid good money for this. Sir sir please step out of the Buick. My

hands are not in your doodoo machine. My hands are not in your duty machine. My hands are firmly on my service weapon and my taser. I've been working on a new invention. I've been making money off this called duty machine. You gotta put your hand in there in exchange for the hand, you get a big scoop of doodoo. Okay. This is the first for Shark Tank. Set them up around the city and I go and I collect my earnings throughout the day from

my different doo doo machines and I get different scoops, put them on a big ice cream cone and at the end of the day that's dinner. Mark Cuban, what do you think about this? We've never seen this on shark tank well I'm interested to hear more about this doodoo machine so what's your overhead what does it cost to run these doodoo machines chips it cost you chips to run duty machines yeah chips okay how much what how much are you spending on chips per week to run your duty machines all Oh my damn money? I'll tell you that oh my damn money. Can I get a roundabout number on sorry? I got my notes here all my damn money All my damn money probably a thousand dollars a month

Okay, that's a low overhead for such a successful business. Yeah, you have these do I got a shift for dinner or not? Oh Okay, so you are partaking in your own product which is not great to hear it's a legal gray area You have these dudes who shit. I thought I got to eat shit for dinner every night. Oh, okay. So you are partaking in your own product, which is not great to hear. It's a legal gray area. I just want to tell you something. I'll give you a taste. I brought an extra scoop for each of y'all. We're in a little ice cream sundae bowl with a banana.

It's sort of an ice cream, like a banana split but with doo-doo. They call me mr. Wonderful because I've got so much money and I have a huge smile on my face so question Why should I care about doodoo machines? Cuz doodoo machine don't give a fuck about you. I'm gonna do this regardless you want all this money come get the money my shit don't give a fuck about you Mr. Wonderful this doo doo keep cranking up Mr. Wonderful it's a wonder your pants ain't full of doo doo yes I can scoop it out full of doodoo yes I can scoop it out. The doodoo machine don't give a fuck about you. Doodoo machine get it done regardless.

Well for those reasons I'd mark and the other lady and the black guy I'm out. I need my doodoo machine to care about me. Well I mean I'm still interested and I'm the other guy that's on shock tank. My name is Mitchell Smith So if I were to buy 100 doodoo machines could I place these perhaps maybe in the in a school Or maybe could I put them in like I don't want to go back to school. I Think the doodoo machine might have to take a math test

Have you could Have you considered selling your dodo machines to the state of Israel so she may protect herself from her enemies? I don't know what that is All I know is I love I love scooping and eating dodo we're always looking for new ways to New and innovative ways to keep people in Israel safe, so you're telling me that the dodo machine produces dodo Wonderful, by the way, that's a great science and then you go in and scoop the sorry something in my throat you go in and you scoop the dodo out of this produces some type of surplus value I'm not sure what the

hell it does but I put chocolate syrup on it could put a chip, you could put Cheetos on it. So this is a food service? I don't know what the hell I got going on, but I do eat it a lot. It causes me a lot of stomach issues. And that's one of the reasons why I have colon cancer, is my doodoo machine has caused irreparable damage to my stomach lining and so I have to eat my stomach lining every day in order to keep it inside of my body I gotta eat it again to keep it, hell it's better somewhere in my body than nowhere.

So I eat scoops of doo doo and whenever you scoop it, it makes a little scoop shape out of the doo doo hole when it goes back next day. So you've managed to create a box that produces waste that also doubles as a food source and could be used maybe for soil, for growing plants? Yes, you could use it to grow a doo-doo plant. I don't know if that exists, but I'd love to see it in action, maybe a doo-doo tree. I'd love to stay in the shade of my own doo-doo one day.

Well, I love your energy and I love what you bring to the table I Mitchell Smith will be giving 100 million dollars to the dodo machine man in Hopes that he would donate 100 dodo machines to Tel Aviv for the purposes of you could tell Aviv to shut it cuz I got the best damn dirty machines and this is Tatt County Aviv is not a person it's I know if she works with the Albertsons and she said that I can't stand outside I can't stand at the end of the wheelchair ramp and block it off to people trying to leave and say you can wheelchair On out of here after you try to taste of my doo-doo

You disabled freak Well, although I don't approve of such harsh language to the disabled community, I do have an oath to uphold, giving as many new devices to the world as humanly possible under the guise that it, you know, hurts my enemies. Well, that's certainly an interesting factor. Speaking of factor, Pidejo Time, oh wait that's the title of this, 2025 is already off to a busy start, you don't have to worry about your nutrition, you need factor. Factor makes me time simple, with fresh and fully prepared meals that you just heat and eat.

Don't that sound good? Whether you want to pop them in the microwave for two minutes or heat them up in a skillet, you're saving tons of time and fueling your body for whatever the day has in store. I like the jalapeno popper burger. Oh yeah. They offer 8 dietary preferences so no matter what your lifestyle looks like, they have something for you.

One of my favorites was the shots. I love feeling energized when I go out and wake up in the morning. Yeah, you can even add on items like breakfast, grab go snacks and some movies. They've got the reference They're a breakfast lunch dinners It even snares learn My god, they've got breakfast and lunch and breakfast there and I stayed a hassle us to Sometimes I just hang out in the microwave till the next factor real skits popped in there. I ate the plaster crap off it

Yeah, it's yeah, he's smart with factor get started at factor meals comm slash factor Podcasts and use code factor podcast to get 50% off your first box plus free shipping That's code factor podcast at at factormeals.com slash factorpodcast. Oh, I gotta spell it out. F-A-C-T-O-R-P-O-D-C-A-S-T. To get 50% off plus free shipping on your first box. Ain't that something? Now I'd like to get back to this here doo-doo machine. Yeah

because so Sometime and I have other products you could produce with this such as the doo-doo burger the doo-doo pizza the doo-doo ice cream the doo-doo Doo-doo, which is a double do do delicious dumpling I call it the quadruple D double do do delicious done and it's not

or look at your produce experts into release fifty three states over the next one hundred years uh... uh... or through baskin robbins will have a to do cream soon which is is to digest let's do do more you you what do you think sharks do you think I'm handsome well I already pledged I said what I would offer I know what you say I want the other ones to say good stuff too cuz I'm trying to start us to tieala standing here cuz you got my legs hurting

Cuz this stage is so hard Mark my feet hurt cuz I wore ballet shoes cuz I didn't know if there was a dancing part of the show And I was for intros in case this was in a pool Mark Cuban. I uh I Think I can I can maybe throw you a little something. I don't want a little something. I want the whole damn she boy Well you drive a hard bargain But I'll give you my net worth which I do believe to be around a hundred billion dollars because I'm okay. How about? $1,000 for 100% of the company and I'll do do

You had you you have a great deal there and I will I will about $250 for you $250 for the Israeli fellow when y'all split 100% 33% for each you nothing for me and the other third of the company goes in the damn trash Goes in the toilet I flush this shit down forever cuz I'm tired of dealing with you people So I gotta go back to my job Alvises. I'm the wheelchair rapid Alvises. The people are waiting on me Okay, yeah that works for me does that work for you Mitchell Smith Oh, hey, it does that's works just fine for me two hundred and fifty dollars for all the doo-doo That's perfect. Wait, just a damn minute. Oh, I didn't get to speak. Oh

Before you go, what let me get a taste of that doo-doo. Okay. Here's here's a doo doo for you, a doo doo sample. Oh my gosh. That is delicious. I know I make it directly. Girl judge get a taste of this. Okay I'm a girl and I have a dress. I have a pink. I have pink. I run a pink business. Yeah, she does. She do. I have pink purses. If you want to try a my doo doo slim fit shake that comes with comes in a bottle and it's got doodoo light, which is doodoo with a little bit of pee pee I like that. Is there any does it come in pink? Is there pink doodoo? Yeah pink doodoo and I wish I could eat pink doodoo while I wear my pink lipstick Yeah, we've got a pink doodoo line

It's it's it's called the cancer dood And cooking. It's called the cancer doo doo line. It's a little pink with a little bit of red. You can have as much as you want. Yeah, you can try it. I like that a lot. I think I'll probably use some of it in my girl makeup. OK, pink lady. I appreciate you and the black man.

What, really like the doo doo scoop? Hey, that ain't no problem, man. Thank you all, and especially you two. Just kidding, we were the same person. Yeah, we were. I can switch real fast. And you would never even believe it. Would I be willing to take just the pink lady home with me

to experiment on her and never have to talk to the black version? I don't like the way you worded that, but I will accept. Okay, very awesome. Now just make sure that he don't ever come out of the shell or however your dissociative identity disorder work. Oh, you ain't gotta worry about that, man. I'll just be here in the corner of the room chilling the whole time. Astral projecting into the chair and jacking the hell out of my shit in my business suit.

Well, you go to town on me. Wow, I wasn't even necessarily sayin' nothin' about fuckin' you, Miss Pink Business Lady. Yeah, you're gonna go crazy on me, I think so. Well, if- On my business, well, we talk about businesses. Ooh, stocks. I'm gonna have you do the Dow exchange on me.

And that's where you take out my Dow and you exchange it for something else. That sounds wonderful, pink business bitch. I appreciate it. And by the Dow, I mean the court can keep up my pussy all day. Why do you have that in there? Okay, cuz cuz you're supposed to oh, yeah, I forgot sorry. It's gonna keep whining there That's pretty

Awesome doesn't seem like it would really cause some issues It does seem like it would maybe seems like you'd immediately cause horrible issues It seems like it but I don't give a damn about them I a cool black guy. I I Don't particularly care for you Something about you. What you mean by that? You think I can't become you as well Perhaps what you hate in the black guys in merely a reflection of what you despise in yourself.

Are you some sort of shape-shifting? I have no racism, I have no place in this house. Mr. Doodoo. I'm Mr. Doodoo. Doodoo McIntyre. I believe I've encountered some sort of- In this house we believe science is real. Love is love. Um, healthcare-

I don't know, I never got that far down the side. It says science is real, love is love, healthcare is a human right. Um- I think Black Lives Matter was on this, well probably. Science is real, love is love, healthcare is a human right. I think Black Lives Matter was on there as well, probably. Yeah, probably up top or at the very bottom. I like when those signs are in front of the homes in Austin neighborhoods that used to be black neighborhoods and now the neighborhoods for people who make the economy crash.

Sometimes I would drink a bunch of alcohol and walk around Travis Heights and I'd CF $10 million home with a sign that says Black Lives Matter. And that neighborhood used to be a working class black neighborhood. I'm losing the voice. It hurts to do that. That's okay. This is my only voice now. We live in Beijing, right? I'll be here on a Friday night.

Badges and fishes, right? In radio work. A little bit of dick inside. Uh, uh, little bit of dick inside. Old, old, I can't probably say the word that rhymes with beer. Pair of cheeks that shit just right. Uh, I'm looking gladi-o-up. I probably, probably I'm a cooler guy.

I like to eat a chip and fry. Go on ahead. You're gonna see my tickler side and my butt. I'm gonna get my spit inside. Your little butt, then I'm gonna glide. My dinger in right inside. Then I'm gonna come. How'd you like that one? That was good. With a little bit of chicken rice, cold beer and frenchie fries. A pair of wings that taste just nice

and some ranch on the side you know i like my food good i like my drinks cold i like my drinks cold. I like my snacks crunch. I do enjoy my food. A little bit of crunchy ice. And my sonic drink it tastes real nice. It goes crunch and sparse. I like to eat my food. We could eat a meal cause it came from factor. It could taste good. It could taste bad or it will be good.

It will be delicious and it's yummy and nutritious. It's only good and it's only tasty. It's very good. And it's not anything. It's a really awesome. We could we could find a guy with a really big bladder. He could go pee. We could go splatter.

It can get all it swallow it Oh until you can fatter Mm-hmm. It's about breaking pee instead. What's the Brad Paz's song? She thinks my tractor's sexy? No, it's uh, yeah, I'm gonna miss her When I walk through that door tonight I'm gonna miss her When I walk through that door tonight He's about fishing he leaves his wife to go fish. Yeah, I'm gonna burger And a little bit of frenchie fry yeah, I'm gonna chicken

I'll look you there. I took a bite. You know I'm saying mm-hmm. Yeah Took a bite. You know I'm saying mm-hmm. Yeah So inch a lotters I'm eating uh-huh they're good and they taste good Only thing that I've eaten is what is on my plate mm-hmm mm-hmm when the plate go oh wait When the plate goes down Down down, I'll be eating some Mexican food. enchiladas I'm eating enchiladas make me feel real good all on my food it tastes really good eat it with some mayonnaise the last one to eat is the first one to food. There's something when I eat my food. And I've got fries and

fry baggies and some of them are bad. The bottom of the bag is Frenchy fried. And it makes me cry. Yeah, I'm not big on vegetable juice. I like soda and a big old burger cause it's got some cheese. It's taste yummy. Mm-hmm. Yo. Okay. All right. Let's see. Let me think for a minute. A country is kind of harder to do food stuff. It is. It is. It doesn't have the same kind of... I think, I think because sometimes it's the words that have the...

Like the words are arranged in a more interesting way. Because the music is more formulaic, you know what I mean? Like the instruments are kind of on some of these. Okay, let me think. I hear that burger frying. it's frying up real good I haven't seen french fries since it was in my food And I'm eating on some sandwich, and it's made of bread And I hear that

Drive through dinging it means my food is red just a chicken palm never meant any harm that's good it's tasty and it's good and I got it from a place that is serving me food. Eating the food. Munching it down. Got sandwiches for lunch and a soup for dinner and it tasted just fine. Food. Food.

Food. Yep. Food. Food on my plate. food on my plate Bananas and rice but nobody found bananas and ice Was that one cuz I'm eating cheese, cheese and rice. Eating cheese, tastes so nice. Eating cheese, I'm a little mouse.

Eating cheese, I live in your house. Bow, bow, bow. Fucking ACDC sucks my fucking dick. Oh Fuckin HADC sucks my fucking dick. Can you bring me Jesus? To a mouse that is hungry Can you bring me Jesus? To a mouse who is small and gray I'm little I'm gray and have a tail I'm little and I'm small living in the wall and there's a little hole there's a doorway Live in the wall where I've got a small couch

But I'm tiny I'm little and gray I'm tiny I'm cheesy today Can you bring me cheese cause I'm really hungry I need cheese I'm a little mouse

down down down and you bring me cheddar I'm a little grey mouse I'm hungry for cheese snack I'm a little grandma She is snack Fuck sorry lost my headphones. Oh, oh man is awesome. I

Feel like Creed is I feel like you know like the dad rock genre is really easy to Parody should have eat bread with a piece of turkey cuz it's real good No time for veggies. I want big big fries Should eat bread with a piece of ham cuz it's called a sandwich Let's see no time for broccoli I want big old beef Creed top four Creed top ten songs Or I did higher um alright oh I'm almost there I'm almost there

that pizza rolls while I'm watching my movie brown hair on and all mom brings them while I'm playing video games mm-hmm eating snacks while I playing all my games and my mom is awesome lonely cow he makes lots of milk for all of me to drink it maybe milkies are my favorite drink milky cow he it's I think only girls produce cow milk. Maybe milking makes lots of milk. I'll have one last breath. Milky, don't stop drinking. Believe it's white.

Drinking, drinking. it's white drinking drinking cuz when you are cheesy I squeak I'm a big wheel I fly You bring cheese to my wife My mousy wife Yeah My mousy wife I wish you would step back from that chair my friend you could cut ties with all the minds you've been living with and if you do not want to eat cheese again i would grab some man

i would grab some man Cuz when you are I Want cheesy food to get me through this little gray mousy life Cheesy yummy. I want cheesy cubes I'm not eating anything but cheese cheese cheese cheese cheese cheese cheese cheese cheese cheese cheese cheese cheese cheese Thomas looks like he's solving math problems. What are the great songs are there?

I feel like I'm super close to having something somewhat we call comedically fucking genius Thomas and so I just you know what I mean one of us we're touching gold we got we found we've tried I find a little flake in the river now we've got to find the fucking vein and the vein is just moments away maybe maybe maybe five to six more hours but let me see. Glamour. I don't want to give it away. S-A-N-D-W-I-C-H-M S-A-N-D-W-I-C-H W I C H YUM S A N D W I C H I'm eating sandwich

With a big fry, I'm eatin' with mayonnaise It's part of my life It's tasty I like to eat it, it's the sandwich Oh the yummy yummy my sandwich. Ooh. And that's me with the sandwich in my mouth trying to sing. You get it? Yeah.

Okay. Let's make sure. Father of food, tell me where have you eaten? You know I just closed my plate, my whole plate disappeared. Cheesing or eating of food, take me back to the plate. When I was still your golden corral, back before you went to eight. I remember blue cheese, it in a block. I loved it when you held me cheese I love to eat cheese black you

would take me to cheesy you take me to the cheese take me to cheese inside it is so hard to eat Bam bam bam though cheesy gave me some cheese We I feel like some cheese is awesome We I think that it's tasting good when you eat it. It's really amazing It's not made of wood This beautiful cheese that I've got cheese sweet eat

beautiful cheese that I've got cheese sweet oh yeah that's a cheese and pretzel eating some good is on my plate that's a cheese and pretzel don't some good is on my plate that's that she's in pretzel uh... it's the food and uh... and uh... locks i got

i'm still eating cheese from the block used to eat a little now i eat a lot uh... no matter how i eat it's where i eat from from the bronx don't be fooled by the uh... cubes i got i'm where I eat from from the Bronx. Don't be fooled by the Cubes I got I'm still cheating cheese from the block. Now that one didn't work out too good. I didn't want to kill myself All right, what else we got here Fucking

What did you just do we did a I did that that's... that's a Mi Espresso by Sabrina Carpenter Yeah, whatever That's that cheese and pretzel Which I've been saying in my daily life, but I never got past That's that cheese and pretzel I actually never heard that song I think, outside of like my phone It's about how her pussy's so good Is it? Is that what it's about? I think so, yeah

That fucking sucks That's fine, that's what most songs are about it's about your pussy your penis is amazing Yeah fair it's hey you got that amazing penis you're amazing pussy Listen kid we think you got what it takes i know you used to be in disney but word around the fucking street is you've got A pussy like a clam but it's kind of tongue-in-cheek too you know So it's all kind of you know i'm in cheese Yeah it's's kind of tongue-in-cheek too, you know So it's all kind of you know, I'm in cheese Yeah, it's all kind of yum in cheese

Listen toots. I hear that you can play the hell out of a guitar and you've got a fucking Snapping box. So what do you say? You ditch this life of being a child star and come date the guy from the fucking banshees of a neshrin and for being a child star and come date the guy from the fucking banshees of a neshrin and you can go around and you can dye your hair different type of blonde and we'll give you a bunch of money you just got to keep singing about how that thing clamps down crazy style on everything that comes within a 500 meter radius what do you say toots okay Sabrina you're very easy, easy as hell to work with. Normally people, you know, they want to talk money, but Sabrina, you're sitting there telling me that for just a little bit of money, you'll travel around the world and sing about how your pussy's like a cup of tea or something?

Eat cheese in the passenger seat is tasting so good Eating cheese with a mouth and he eats and I'm eating with mouth and it's got on my teeth What's another what's another? F o o d t o g o I like to get my food to go F o o d t o g o I I like to get my food to go F-O-O-D-T-O-G-O I just googled food to go as if that's the name of the fucking song. I'm eating late Cuz I'm a brodent My cheese is great. I think it's yellow Oh

Eating cheese is so good. That's the cheese. It's yellow. Yeah, okay there we go Eating cheese I love to eat cubes of all the cheese that I buy from the store When I get cheese from my mousey he gives a squeak and he asks for some more You say cheesy no lettuce And she will eat cheese of course and she will eat cheese. Of course. And she will eat cheese. Yeah ain't nothing but a mouse eating brick of big cheese. Yeah ain't nothing but a mouse that eats a big ol' brick of fucking cheese. Cheese. And she will be black Okay, new direction?

No, no, it's okay Okay Okay, that's fine Wait, wait, uh, wait I won't do- I won't ruin it for you Wherever your mind's taking you, man, I wanna fucking hear the magic, dude Take me by the cheese and I'll eat it. Black of cheddar cheese and it's tasty.

I got the food like cheddar. I got the food like cheddar. I got the food like cheddar. You wanna know how to make me mouth microwave 30 seconds in your dip. You wanna eat, how to make me melt Microwave 30 seconds and you dip You wanna eat on pizza? You're gonna have to cheese it You're gonna have to eat it, oh oh Just watch it, just don't let it burn You better take it out Pizza time, call the boys, scream and shout If you only have to eat it. That's why you're having pizza

It's gonna have to be delicious Very very nice very very nice Take it all you're coming now eat it You're coming I'll eat it As she's back with the cheesy drink drives of cheese that are in her drink big cheese Go squee What other types of fucking Motherfucker, it's almost my goddamn birthday. You know what that means nothing

gentlemen What do you guys what are you getting for my birthday Thomas? What are you mailing me? I'm just secret. Oh, okay. It's a secret big secret coming up Big secret. Yeah, it's your boy big secret You're finally gonna be 19 just like I've been waiting for my god, dude Yeah, I always wanted gonna be 19 just like I've been waiting for. Oh my god, dude. I always wanted to be 19. If you could go back and be 19 again, what would you do? Just pull on a bunch? I would probably...

Not go to jail? Probably not get on house arrest. I'd be priority number one. No, yeah, yeah. Other than that, I think I did things. Okay, not great But okay. Mm-hmm, but even the getting that on house arresting that was okay. Yes fine. Yeah Everything turned out fine. I think I probably

You know, I don't know I probably would do a bunch of shit different to be honest with you You know what I mean? Probably would have invested some money probably wouldn't have tried Oxycontin I probably wouldn't have wasted my money my parents my age on trying to go back to college 15 times. Yeah I wouldn't have got a philosophy degree for sure. I think it's on community college like many semesters so it wasn't like you know in terms of Some financially ruin my parents, but that wasn't you know

sometimes I think about how your dad has like Like so many kids, and I'm like how the fuck did he like send all these people? Like how the fuck did he do that because I met him you know I met him I think with the one time like half of them got like four rides oh okay that would make sense yeah yeah yeah not me not this guy not Papa yeah Papa's Papa's got a bit brand new bag yeah I uh I went to a I went to a private university and I studied privates, you know what I mean? Ah, yeah.

They asked me what I wanna major in, I said I wanna major in that box, boxology. Yeah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. I wanna study clitoral theory, you know what I mean? Not critical theory, I wanna study clitoral theory. I don't wanna study fucking- Clitoral race theory. I wanna study clitoral theory you know what I mean not critical theory I want to study clitoral theory I don't want to study fucking literal race theory I want to study clitoral race theory I'm trying to see every type of it you know what I'm saying yeah didn't even like saying that yeah I didn't didn't like saying that even as a joke that felt really bad but that's okay sometimes sometimes only out

there forever it's only out there forever. It's only out there forever and I only have a couple things that would be nice if they worked out. But hey, you know what? But that's what a boxology studier has to deal with. Sometimes he'd be fucking saying shit. Yeah, crazy shit. Because it drives the ladies wild. Yeah, you were general studies?

Well, I'm a virginal studies. Genital studies. Genital, that's way better than virginal. Genital suckies. Genital suckies. Yeah. Oh, you study in psychology? I'm studying in thighology.

All on me. Thigh all on me. Yeah baby girl. Yeah. Oh you a sophomore? I'm soft but just give it a little bit more. Oh I like that. Yeah thanks bud.

Yeah. Oh you a freshman? That's perfect. I like your disapproving No, there was a Rick Ross, huh Oh Yeah, I'll be studying. I went to a private school Oh, that's nice was like a Jesuit or something or like Ivy now is I want school study privates, you know

Like all different types, But not penis though. Just looking at that ish. I just be looking at the pussy, you know what I mean? I don't even be. I just be down there and inspect this shit. I don't even, I look at it across the room, I say I don't know what to do with this. This is crazy as hell. There's like fucking all different types of shit in here.

You got a fucking bolt. You got a fucking washer. You got a fucking, I don't really I don't want to talk about this anymore I don't know what's going on okay you have to be feeling like job lately from the Bible no yeah yeah just so much licked it yeah just too much no I'm not afflicted I think I just you know really afflicted like you know what's what's what's it all for big dog? You know what I mean like what's it your 14 or whatever children? Just get struck down

On a whim like as a joke Did you when they taught you that story in school? Did you like get anything from it? I like it reflexively immediately was like fuck that dude. I would bail after the first tragedy. I'm not staying around for this It didn't I don't think I was taught was with the children thing a lesson to be learned from that was he still had You know he still had the gift of those first children, so it was an additional It was like his bounty had done. I see what you mean the children to Yeah, it was like his bounty doubled entirely even though there was pain and loss Okay

Well on that from on that note if you're listening to this, thanks for listening It was nice to do the food songs again. I thought maybe I didn't have the juice anymore You didn't have the juice, but we still had it. We got the cheese. We still had it. We saw thanks for listening guys Head on over to the YouTube. Please run those numbers up. I'm gonna start posting more video episodes It's a promise to you guys that I want to get to a point where I can post if I say it then I have To commit to it and if I don't commit to it, then I'm a fucking piece of shit So I want to get like a video episode a week to you guys And I have some in the bank and I want to get new ones going out. So we want to get new stuff for you guys

more video content more stuff I Think I'm gonna start posting I don't want to talk about this on the show So I will ask you Thomas at my business partner after before I say that but uh Check out the YouTube video time worldwide. Give us a follow on Instagram Pindejo time worldwide as well in April for two weeks. I'll be traveling all across the United States playing and with my band

You can find information for that on Twitter at Jake Broads the links there April 18th at the green room I'll be running a goddamn feature set at that motherfucker So tickets are on sale you go to the green room on Instagram and they got their little link tree or whatever the fuck It's a weed themed comedy club guys So if you like smoking that sticky sticky monster Then uh take your fucking happy ass on down there and get tinkled pink by the likes of me Oh, do you want to nope don't want to say that I mean it already is finalized, but uh oh It's finalized but uh, oh Wait, it's finalized actually notes

I mean the date is in the club is and everything but I don't know if you I think you should still you should still plug It the show's still happening. Yes. So well, yes, so may In Austin are you guys been saying where the fuck are the motherfucking Texas shows? The Texas show is gonna be in at the velveter room in May May 10th that is a Saturday. It's going to be a late-night show so get a sitter and Maybe we have somebody look after your dog I'm going to get some of my favorite motherfucking comedians, and we're going to do a badass live show for y'all motherfuckers

Comedians and we're gonna do a badass live show for y'all motherfuckers Saturday at midnight at the Velveeta room. I think tickets are up if they're not I will message the booker but be on lookout for that. Okay. Thank you guys or do you have anything to look? No, I do not. Okay. I'm sorry. Okay Bye bye