Pendejo Time - the eunuch pipefitter and his woes

Episode Date: June 30, 2022

took us a bit to get going on this but god dammit I'm still laughing fuck Support the Show.

And I told her, I said, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. I wrote some comedy for this show. Okay, you're doing it. Because people have been telling me, you know, you've been phoning it in lately, Thomas, and you suck, and we're going to fucking, we're going to stop listening, and you're going to be homeless. And I don't want that.

So here's something I'm... Let's hear it. What did the mosquito say? Well, for context, there's a mosquito. In this joke, this is the context of it. There's a mosquito, a regular mosquito. Nothing special about it. But he can talk.

And then there's the Joker But he can talk. Okay. And then there's the Joker from the Batman series. Okay. Have you watched it? Do you know who I'm talking about? Yeah, I think so, yeah. Okay. What did the mosquito, who, by the way, within the context of this joke, he can talk.

So this makes sense. Okay. What did the mosquito say to the Joker from Batman, the Batman series? I don't know. What did he say? So you lead him with what did the mosquito say to the Joker? What did the mosquito say to the Joker from the Batman? Right after biting him.

What did the mosquito say from the Joker Batman series shortly after the mosquito bit him? Why so itchy? Not bad. I like that. I'll explain it because i know that probably went over most of y'all's heads yeah when you get bitten by a mosquito it makes you very itchy yeah it does the joker's famous line from the batman series was yeah why are you so serious right he did say that a couple times so it's a bit of a play on words because you would expect you wouldn't first off you wouldn't expect a mosquito to even be able to talk and that's really the funny part right but when you add the element of surprise there

you say first off you say how would the joker allow himself to be bitten by a mosquito is this some kind of sick joke are Are we playing with fire here? Right. Or not. It's just a simple joke that I wrote just now. And I think it's going to get me pretty far. It's the only joke I have planned for my next special. I could easily see you getting on Netflix or JFL or any of these.

That's a really good one. You know what? A lot of people don't write comedy that makes people think and that is a joke that really like you have to turn the gears. It's not like it's not alley oop comedy. It's not right. It's not. It's Norm Macdonald style.

Yeah it's Norm Macdonald style. You think it's stupid but it's actually like it's actually really funny. It's meta comedy. It's so funny that most people wouldn't even laugh at it. Yeah because they're too stupid to get yeah because they just don't understand you know they just don't get it you know um can i tell you another one i would love to hear another one man okay for this one it's the same two characters but the the j Joker is sensitive okay normally he's a callous twisted figure but yeah I guess you could say he's much more in tune with

his self okay himself in this joke what did the sensitive Joker say to the mosquito who just bit him what would the sensitiveoker say to the mosquito that just bit him? Ow! Ow! I got bit by a big, hungry mosquito. Okay. So the joke is almost kind of like an anti-joke. It's like there's...

No, it's not an anti-joke. It's very funny. Well, you know... That's just more slapstick comedy oh okay well that's a lost art for sure yeah slapstick that's awesome man

anyway just let me know what you think of that I guess we can stop the episode there yeah no that's fine it's cool do you that's fine uh it's it's cool do you have any jokes you've written lately i know you're a comic yeah i'm a big dude like i'm such a successful comedian like i've done so many over mics and that's where you put in the most work yeah that's where you've probably done like maybe 10 booked shows, you know, and, um, and that's just sort of how it is. Well,

that's how every library starts with 10 books. Yeah. And then afterwards, before you know it, it's a hundred books. Everywhere you look, there's another book over a hundred, up to 150 books.

Any given library. Did anybody ever fuck in the library at your school? Was that a common fucking place? No, but, um, one of the basketball coaches got the librarian's daughter pregnant her senior year. That's awesome. That's so sick. I remember they had to like make, it was like in the morning.

So we had like morning announcements. I don't know if y'all's school did this, but it was like. like in the morning and now so we had like morning announcements i don't know if y'all school did this but it was like so they made us do the texas the the texas pledge and then the pledge of allegiance and it was like uh and it was like the uh they would do morning announcements and it was like uh they didn't say explicitly like stop fucking in the library but i guess it was such an issue this year at my school that they were like hey the announcement was like we've upped security in the library back room and then a photography room because uh you know people always say band kids and orchestra kids

are nerds but that group at my school i don't know at every school they would fuck anywhere they would fuck like under the bleachers they would fuck anywhere they would fuck like under the bleachers they would fuck each other in the big tuba room they would fuck each other in the library like it like they just they were like horny critter little critters or whatever they were getting it in I think more than anybody and you know people bully them or whatever and call them gay or dorks you know but there was a kid who got caught getting his penis sucked in the room that like. So they had a computer room and then they had if you opened a door, there was a second computer room that was for the special ed kids. And it was like shapes and colors and stuff.

And it was like it was like in the very back i walked in there by accident one time because i was just fucking around in the computer room like trying to find the printer and i opened the door and it was like i guess it was like it was their separate computer room there was like three computers and then it was like it was clearly a room for the special i don't know how the fuck else to describe it. It was like you go in there to learn how to do email or whatever. And there was a guy that we knew who got caught finger fucking in there. And to me, I fucked in a lot of strange places in my day. I don't know if I could get my penis hard in front of like a very hungry caterpillar poster.

Like, it just seems like if you are able to do that, you should be in prison. I don't know if I'm, like, reading too much into it, but, you know. It doesn't seem like something that you should be allowed to do. It seems like something, yeah, you'd go to jail for. You mind if I play devil's advocate? You know what? I was hoping that you would play devil's advocate on this one. How else are they going to who who's they repeat the question

how else are they gonna learn uh i mean i feel like there's better you got a room full of computers you got a room full of shapes. There's no room for underdeveloped children. For people of People of development. People of candy. P.O.D.s.

P.O.C. People of candy. People of candy. To learn how to get their dick sucked. Okay.O.D.'s. P.O.C. People of candy. People of candy. To learn how to get their dick sucked. Okay. Okay. Okay. Fair.

I'm not saying it's right. I'm not saying it's wrong. Who else? Where else are they going to learn? That isn't immensely traumatic. Right. Yeah, that's true. You know what? I didn't think about that

And I think I passed judgment on that guy Look even in the music room You know those kids Could learn how to play a tuba anywhere Right You really can nowadays Everybody knows it by now Everybody knows how to play the tuba

Right right right But you take a kid who's addicted to Tekken and you show him how to get his dick sucked? Look, there's an old saying in Peister. You know, suck a man's dick and you've made his afternoon. But teach a man how to get his dick sucked. And you've made him a millionaire.

Millionaire. I'm just picturing like the most fucking inbred podunk, like sheriff slash fireman slash judge with Peaster, Texas being like, you know, there'sas being like you know there's one thing you know pister ain't a big town we got big ideas out of here you know i remember my pappy said it his pappy and all the way back down all the pappies they said suck a man's dick you sucked his dick teach a man's dick, you sucked his dick.

Teach a man to get his dick sucked, you make him a millionaire. And that's why I'm your sheriff today. That's, you know. You know, they should put another room in schools. I don't remember. Why is no one teaching autistic kids magic in school there was a it's a dying art there's very few magicians left and who else who better to carry on that art uh my brother was really kids love magic i'm not even being i'm not even being like mean here they love

there was a so there was some magic tricks i'll let you continue now no it's okay a co-host you have some speaking privileges left i have not been able to remove by committee no i wanted to tell you i wanted to inform you that my brother last I checked not autistic but from the ages of like 7 to like 15 was really into like sleight of hand and street magic and got very fucking good at it he's still like he doesn't do it actively but like you know we'll be drunk like when I'm back home and he's like pick a card retard I'm like all right like he'll make it do like make it appear in my pocket and shit. I don't know how the fuck he does it. He's really good.

But we would go to these once a year conventions. These, like, magicians meetups. And they, like, a lot of money in it, you know. Food, drink, the whole nine yards. And these would be guys in their, like, 40s, 50s, and 60s that were, like. would be guys in their like 40s 50s and 60s that were like something went really really wrong with them and instead of becoming serial killers or like just really bad guys they're like I'm gonna make fucking like cards like disappear and burn up I'm gonna make pigeons come out of the ground like I'm gonna fucking pull a knife out of my pocket and i'm gonna cut a lady's leg off but her legs not actually off it was cool and

on several occasions you would get to meet the magicians and um i feel like uh like professional gamer and magician they're the same archetype exactly they stink real bad like david blaine set a bar really high he was a lot he wasn't he was like a biceps jack guy i don't know what he's looking like these days but he was one of those all buys and tries guys he set the bar kind of high nobody looked like david blaine you got chris angel who's like a greek rapist i think i don't know he looks he just looks like a guy who would do the worst type of stuff in the world none of these guys had that any sort of that swag whatsoever uh and they would come over and they'd be like hey uh i've been working on this trick do you want to see it and i'd be like oh yeah cool

man you're like can i see your cell phone i'd be like all right and then he would like make my phone disappear and he'd be like ah where's your phone man haha and i was like 14 i was like i just i like i need that like there's pictures of my penis on sorry i don't if you want to make like like like my cigarette like i don't know you know like i don't think you need to that's not a phone that you you shouldn't have on that phone that's not good i watched a lot of pornography on that thing man i watched like so much I'm watching an impossible amount of porn on there give it back um they would do all sorts of cool shit man um there was a guy who showed you how to like he's like you want to know hey everybody you want to know how the

cutting a lady in half trick works and you're like yeah and uh you know there are people that were like oh you know oh that's how it's done. And like the audience would be like, wow, so cool. And I would like to think that there was one guy in that audience. It was like upset that they weren't cutting the woman. They weren't actually like is it with two people? Yeah, it would be like like two short women. And then like, you know, one will be hidden in the second thing or whatever the fuck.

Yeah, that's basically how it worked okay did you think they were cut in half or something no i just figured it was just two people yeah it's it's two people it's that's what it is yeah that's their way to do it with three people i imagine you could probably get up 10 yeah yeah anyway uh i would just cut the lady in half I think that would be yeah that's what you should do you should just slice the woman it should take a long time

yeah and the Vegas show we're talking like a PVC saw that I like find in my shed and you know I just lock the wheels on the fucking contraption and she's screaming for about an hour and a half. I get to the spinal cord, and I'm like,

you guys get the point. She's been dead for an hour. The trick would probably last much longer if it was real, because in the Vegas, in the thing, it's like they lay down a razor blade. It's like a piece of metal, and they're like... But if it was real, yeah. It's like you got a chainsaw, and you're like,

listen, this is gonna... this is a dull chainsaw. I haven't really replaced it. Yeah, the problem is it really binds up once you hit bone because it really flies through all that soft tissue. Pretty quickly, yeah. And the thing is I got it oiled and gassed up, but I made the mixed fuel was a bit rich. I put too much oil in it. So it's going to smoke a little bit, but just know.

So here, kids, you can tell anytime you want to know whether it's feeding oil correctly, whether it's oil in that bar, because you don't want to warp this thing. It's expensive. You don't hit anything with it, but you shoot it towards. You just sort of aim the end of the bar towards a rock or something, and you rev it up real high you keep it revved up high and you watch you should be spitting black yeah it should be flicking oil because that's all it does that's all it really does anyway i'm gonna kill this

bitch but uh anyway i know you guys came here to see magic i'm not really a magician i don't know any fucking magic tricks where's your? I don't give a fuck. It's a card. You can buy more. Yeah. I just came down here from Washington. I've been doing a lot of good killing up there. And I kind of just walked in here.

The gun helped. The gun did help me kind of get access to this sort of, you know, this type of event. I wish that, you know, I kind of think it's cool to make that your, like, skill. Guys get good at guitar. Guys get good at fighting. Guys get good at stand-up, or guys get good at fucking lifting weights.

Guys don't usually get that good at stand-up. I'm not saying there aren't good ones, but you don't usually get into stand-up to get good at it. You just do it. Yeah, because you, from what I've seen. Yeah,

yeah. But magic is, I feel like it is really like, you don't really, you know, it's not something that, like, what comes out of that?

Like, do you, Siegfried and Roy had tigers, man, what do you have? I don't have shit. Yeah, I got you have i don't have shit yeah i got nothing i don't have anything man i'm not proud of anything dude i'm a deep dark twisted soul dude a lot of guys don't understand a lot of people don't understand that to be a fucking professional podcaster you have to sort of have like a dark and twisted mind. Yeah. And my mind is so twisted, dude.

I quit magic because podcasting is the most creatively expressive thing. I put more hard work into this than anything else. And, you know, people say, Thomas, why didn't you accept the full ride to Harvard, you know? And it's because I wanted to do podcasting. Yeah. Thomas, why didn't you take that supervisor position at BP? Yeah, well, I wanted to work for Big Pussy or whatever.

Big Pussy, Inc., yeah. Yeah. Like Big Pharma. You know, Big Pharma's putting poison in the water. Big Pussy. Yeah, it's just what any gynecologist or doctor delivers babies. You're like, I wouldn't. I wouldn't trust Big Pussy as far as I could throw it. I wouldn't.

I'd take his advice with a grain of salt because he's got some deep ties to Big Pussy. Yeah, his pockets. Who's lining his pockets, you think? got some deep ties to Big Pussy. Yeah, his pockets. Who's lining his pockets, you think? Yeah, his pockets are uterine lined with Big Pussy cash. You know, from the gyms of the world to the OBGYNs, you know, Big Pussy runs the world.

I would be an OGBYN. An OG... You're like... I would be an original gangster, big, young doctor. You're giving like an exam. Like you're just like a routine exam and it's uncomfortable. And you're like... Yeah, you know, a lot of guys are OBGYNs, but... I'm letting you know, baby, that you're in good hands

because I'm an OGBYN. I'm an original gangster, big, young doctor from the South. Yeah. I don't have a degree or anything. You know, I'm just getting my community service hours in here. Do you remember that kid that pretended to be a doctor? He pretended to be the OBGYN from West Virginia? That's fucked up because it seems like a job that would make you hate pussy.

You know what I mean? Like, I don't mind a good casserole, but if I ever made a casserole, I'd fucking hate it. Yeah, that's a really good point. Like, it's a job for... It's such a weird job to go into as a freak that's why i don't buy it the most male ob-gyns are freaks because like it takes too much fucking work yeah it's like a quarter million dollars like super smart and it's like by then if you're making good money can't you just get regular pussy yeah you gotta get patient

pussy you know yeah you know or you don't have to like that's not a part of the thing for you i mean you could you have a g-wagon you could just be a dental hygienist or something yeah i mean yeah i don't also it's like yeah like no i'm not saying there aren't. It has been. I mean, there are a few for sure, you know. Yeah. I've gone to jail for being molesters or whatever. That's not good. You don't need to be doing that.

We're saying it right now. That's not good. We're saying it right now. Molesting, bad. Bad. Yeah. Please don't do it. Yeah.

If you're a molester please stop right now Please stop it We're gonna change the world with one hot track Dude if we Oh my god Change the world too Stop molesting Please right now

You gotta stop doing that to people Please stop Right now Right now. Right now. It's time to stop. Man. Yeah.

You know, there's a lot of fucked up twisted people in this broken world. Did you know that? Yeah, I knew about that, bro. Fuck. I was going to talk about it for 40 minutes, but I guess I can't. I was going to talk. Yeah, you know, we were going to talk about it for a while, but I think everybody knows how twisted the world is.

Yeah. I want to go to Hawaii and just start over, you know, just wipe their whole slate clean. You know, you guys saw Dole Incorporated was bad. I'm fucking... I'm taking a skid steer over to the volcanoes and I'm making that shit a big old patio for me and my friends. What a stupid culture man

all their fucking flower necklaces coconuts and spams oh this is a big fat guy dancing you think that's funny I think that's very stupid

he's got a ukulele and he's like hey guys you uh hey motherfucker I know that holding fat easier was an evolutionary advantage 10,000 years ago, but you're still holding on to that, and unfortunately, it's just leading to higher.

I know that you're born able to bench like 355 pounds. I know you guys produce some of the best linebackers in the world, but. Yeah, I know that you're like technically Poly best linebackers in the world. But. Yeah. I know that you're like technically Polynesians or just, you know, like they can like break coconuts with their hands. Yeah, that's cool. But so. But I'm an American. Right.

I'm Scots Irish or whatever the fuck that I am. And so I'm going to come over here and I'm going to set up shop. I'm going to set up an In-N-Out you know on top of sacred lands. I like that nobody like wow

that's sparking pretty high. What is in the air? Who knows? Anyway, do you see that? No, I didn't see it. There were sparks like up in the air? Who knows? Anyway, do you see that? No, I didn't see it. There were sparks, like, up in the air. Do you have a gas leak in your house? I hope not, dude.

That wouldn't be good. Anyway, yeah, I've been seeing threads on how we fucked up Hawaii, and I think that's bad. But look, I don't want to sound insensitive here, okay? I need people to understand I'm coming from a place of love. When I say that they need a new language, that shit does not translate well to English. they need to make that shit way shorter okay that's your big hill yeah if you have a word that has like 34 letters it needs to be a shorter

word yeah and easier for me to tell them thomas fuck i know y'all only got 10 letters. But man, that's fucked up. Right. It is pretty bad. They got, although, okay, one thing I will say about Hawaii. You know me, I like to go on Instagram and look at trucks. Right. So in Hawaii, one thing they do is they'll get Tacomas. Yeah.

And they'll put like big tires on them. Yeah. And like badass suspension systems. Yeah. And they'll like rock crawl with them. That's sick as fuck. I do like that. Like volcanic rock. That's sick as fuck.

I do like that, yeah. I want to go with you. That's pretty tight. I'm just messing around, you know. Ooh, Lock and Lou. Oh, yeah. It's a much better place to be probably than like Arkansas. Texas, yeah.

Yeah. It's a much better place to be probably than like Arkansas. Texas. You know, it's just, it's insane to me that that's like, as of like the 50s, we're just like, no, that's ours. And we don't really give a fuck about it after that. Like we did nothing for those people, really. I was going to say, it's like the Navy poisoned like a major aquifer or whatever over there. say it's like the navy poisoned like a major aquifer or whatever over there and they're like hey like all of our drinking water has like red fuel and like oil in it the navy's like that's

fucked up man they're like so can we can you guys help and they're like oh no no we kind of just like don't care about you like it's just i was reading an article today that this lady mckinney mckinney's next to y'all right mckinney texas it's pretty close by uh swat uh drove a truck through her to her front door uh through a flashbang through a window blinded and deafened her family dog uh threw like uh pepper spray and tear gas like into the window and like ruined a bunch of heirlooms and books and furniture and then uh they were going after a guy who like got in her house or whatever and then she was like hey i was trying to sell this house i have to pay for my breast cancer treatment and the city was like that's fucked up man that sucks and she was like yeah

i just i want to get a check so i can you know fix the house so i can sell it and they were like oh no we're not gonna do any of that the swat they're just having fun they were just you know just a couple rowdy boys showed up to handle some law stuff you know this is apparently like routine like people will just be chilling in their house and you know swat comes over and they're like we heard there was some fucked up shit happening we're gonna burn your house down uh and you can't have any money or whatever. So I guess what I'm getting at is being in SWAT sounds like it's cool. Yeah. What I would do if I were a young guy like you, Jake, is I would join SWAT and I would change it from the inside.

Because what I would do when I got to a house is I would tell my commanding officer and all those guys, I'd say, how about we just chill out on this one? Hey, how about we don't? We kick down the door. Yeah. We go in and we see if they got any snacks. Yeah, we don't kill any dogs. We don't kill any dogs.

We don't kill any old ladies. We don't kill any children. I would be, don't get me wrong wrong i would be a corrupt official for sure but i would go about it like a medieval sheriff or something yeah like an old tax collector yeah i'd be i'd go door to door i'd be like can i have some money please and then people would say no i'd say you're really asking for trouble and i wouldn't do anything about it yeah i would just sort of see if that worked i'd get fired within a couple weeks most likely um oh speaking of bribery i've been looking into ken paxton this last week yeah i've heard the name a bunch of times.

I know he was like the attorney general or whatever. Yeah. Never really gave a fuck at all. Yeah, yeah. But whatever I saw, this fine young gentleman was calling for the reenactment of anti-sodomy laws. Yeah. Well, you know me. Yeah.

I'm going to check that out um because because who the fuck has thought about the word sodomy in the last 10 years who was like 90 years old anyway so he has one side of his face is like drastically different from the other yeah because this like accent he was in and he can barely see out of one of his eyes one of his eyes is like goopy and brown and the other is normal yeah another cool thing about old ken so so first off this is from a childhood injury and then he somehow fucked it up again when he was in college Yeah The same eye, he just got poked in it again He also has been Dude, the feds hit him with like

Three felony indictments In like 2016 For like bribery and like Securities fraud And he's just, dude, last like six years He's just been like five stars on GTA Hell yeah He's just been like uh wasn't me i'm gonna throw some money at this and also i'm gonna try and run for attorney general i hope that's cool yeah um his wife is a texas senator okay

she has introduced one bill ever. And it was protection. It was just a loophole for people who were facing basically security fraud charges. Federal securities fraud. And as she was introducing it, she was like, by the way, this has nothing to do with what my husband is facing. She has not tried to pass one other piece of legislation that's so awesome she was in office to fight the feds or whatever that's awesome so sick i being like just a a deeply mentally and physically crippled man with this a busted ass loyal wife for some reason. It's just got to be interesting.

I love that Newt's wife, what's her name, Calista? Yeah. She's a multimillionaire woman. She's married to a very powerful and wealthy man. But she Facetunes all of her selfies. Yeah, it looks fucking rough, dude. Yeah, but I'm like, dude, you have money, and you've got work done

what are we i do wonder if it's a man if it's a social media manager who does that to her i don't know maybe but they don't facetune newt if there's pictures of them together he's all busted up looking his wrinkles are all froggy and toady looking and then he's all like fucked up but do you think she knows how to work facetune yeah she's an old rich bitch dude yeah like she's like a fucking yeah dude i think she does bro because she doesn't know how to work it that's the thing it's clearly facetune there's some people that are you know pretty good with it or whatever like you can notice it or photoshop people get good at photoshop and they can photoshop blemishes out she's not good at it that's why i think she's doing it

because if it was a social media manager and they hired somebody tomishes out. She's not good at it. That's why I think she's doing it. Because if it was a social media manager and they hired somebody to run their shit, you would think they would know how to use Photoshop or Facetune or whatever the fuck. Dude, she looks like she's rendered from PS2 graphics. And she doesn't Facetune her husband. She just leaves him all fucking, you know, fucking goofed up looking

like the monster from the Goonies. I want to see newt smooth as hell i want to see smooth newt just yeah who up late smooth and they knew who up who uh who up on that newt smoother dude um the the anti so that i think the case was griswold texas and it was like i remember learning about it in in high school and i think it was i'm paraphrasing the but like a cop busts in on like a drug thing and then he catches two guys sucking each other's penises and he's like i can't this nope we can't be having this and then arrest them for doing that and then that's like the court case or whatever so to reverse that

like my question is is it all these like homophobic five foot five state troopers balder than fucking shit like no eyebrows fucking you know are they gonna like is are they gonna if they were to repeal that are they gonna be like all right so when you go in and you go looking for drugs and stuff you need to make sure nobody's getting there getting fucked in their ass in their anal beads and stuff you got to make sure none of that's going on no strap-on type behavior uh no men sucking men no jacking each other off you need to have like like how do how would you enforce that because it seemed like it was an accident that it was even a court case at all or whatever the fuck like just some fucking beat cop kicking a door in and finding

two guys having a sunday afternoon or whatever the fuck you know i'm saying like i can't see the way that you would enforce anti-sodomy laws like hey it's like cop knocks on your door hey you're getting fucked in your ass in there did you just drink old water bro i have no idea how long that's been sitting on my desk. I just realized, bro, that cup has been missing for at least like four months. You think you just drank some mold a little bit? Bro, that did not taste like water at all. That shit tasted more like milk than water.

Stop, dude. That's okay. Anyway, yeah, with the anti-sodomy stuff first of all they shouldn't have made it that cool of a word yeah sodomy is a cool word it's a sick word if you asked me if i wanted to do sodomy and i didn't know what that meant i'd say hell yeah brother let's go out and sodomize every dude we can find yeah dude last night went to the movies hung out with the boys had a couple beers kicked back got sodomized to hell yeah we got yeah you know so the fights were on thomas came over alex came over a couple of boys came over you know we just sat on the couch and watched the fights. We got sodomized that night.

Bro, I got sodomized at the bar last night. Yeah, I got destroyed, wrecked. Dude, put two beers in me and I might get sodomized. I'm ready to do some sodomy. You give me two Coors Lights and I'm ready to... Dude, you fucking posted earlier that tweet it was like wise and black co-worker or whatever you know like wanting to show you the most fucked up looking set of nuts or pussy that you've ever fucking seen and reminded me that you know like I don't we were

talking about it we were hanging out the other day but there's I don't understand I wish that somebody like an Ivy League university needs to put some money into this of like blue collar or kitchen workers. There's like a breed of them that's like hey I know you're working

that fryer right now but would you care to see my penis inside a lady? It's pretty grainy too. It is fantastic. We need more people like that. Just virile 60 year too. It is fantastic. We need more people like that. Just virile 60-year-olds. Little horny animals.

30 BMI. You know, the guy I was referencing, I remember I worked at this warehouse, and there was a big-ass storm, dude, like tornadoes. Yeah. And the power went out. And we're all like driving forklifts and shit and just the lights go off. Yeah. And then backup generators come on and then those go out.

Yeah. So they're pretty much fucked um everybody just has to go outside and wait in the fucking storm basically yeah just to wait and uh so um all the white and mexican guys there like had those big ass vape rigs. Yep. And this was not, this wasn't like in the heyday of like big-ass vape rigs. This was a couple years after that. After that, yeah. But when you work night shift, you don't give a fuck what the day people are doing. It's all different species of people, practically.

Anyway, I didn't want to be in the fucking giant-ass vape cloud conversation. So I went over to the newport conversation and um this old chill ass black dude uh he was super nice but i hadn't really talked to him that much yeah he was telling me how you can get so much pussy off facebook and i was like that's cool man you know swag thank you brother not really like you're not entertaining it but you don't want to walk away yeah yeah pussy's good or whatever it's yeah feels nice I guess yeah pussy's all right it's okay to get it you know it's fine we work like 60 hours a week I

go out of my way to not get pussy at this stage of my life because I don't have the energy to. I have no testosterone in my body left, dude. I might not have a penis. I've not busted in over three months. And I don't care. My penis looks like a fucking wilted flower right now. I only use it to piss.

I wish I didn't have balls because they sweat. Anyway, so he's like, yeah, I talk dirty with this girl, bro. Like, girls just hit me up. They just want to talk. They just want to talk dirty. They want to get down. And I'm like, this is the first break. What are you, like, 19 at this point, 20?

I'm 18. Yeah. No, I might have been 19, 18 or 19. Anyway, this is the first break over five minutes I've been paid for in a long time. Yeah. And I'm just enjoying my cigarette and just thinking like, what the fuck, man? Right. And he's like, look,

and he, bro, he shows me a picture of just a pussy. It is dude. Have you ever seen one of those pictures of like the Amazon frogs? Yeah. Like a black frog. Yes, I have.

Bro, that shit looked like you would find it in a rainforest. I'm not even playing, man. It looked like a frog. You couldn't even see no thigh or anything, man. It was like a 55-year-old woman's pussy. I saw that shit and I almost fucking clocked out and left, man. Bro, if you say, like, don't show me that shit, they're like, what, are you gay?

Yeah. Which now I don't care. But at the if you say like, don't show me that shit, they're like, what are you gay? Yeah. Which now I don't care, but at the time I was like, ah. Well, it also. That's cool, man.

That's fine. Can we, I hope the power comes back on soon. It's not even, I mean, yes, it's a gay thing, but they also get aggro,

dude. Like there was a bar next to a plant that we all worked at called Neon Moon Saloon in La Porte, Texas. And, uh uh like a lot of guys would go there after work or if we got rained out or something um and the bartender there was cool it's a cheap fucking dive bar like you go in there in your high vis or whatever and the bartender the lady that were there would like me give you a free beer or whatever because it was it's like a fucking it's a construction workers bar it's like a refinery or oil rig guys bar welder but whatever that's who goes there and uh i mean i'm fucking sitting

out there and i'm just drinking a miller high life it's how it's hotter than fuck you know like i've had no water that day it's just miller high life so i'm like three quarters of a beer and i'm like i'm about to black out like i'm like about to die. And my fucking, I was like, fuck, dude, I think I left my lighter in my car. So I walk over to this table and these guys are fucking hooting and hollering and going fucking nuts or whatever the fuck, being crazy, you know, just shitty,

like rowdy ass dudes. And I'm like, hey man, pull a fucking, I was like, can I get a lighter? And they're like, yeah, pull a fucking chair, man. You work over there, the fucking, you're the mechanic apprentice guy, right? I'm like, yeah, Jake, whatever the fuck, we we sit down and some of them are like playing hold them just at the table there like you know you're not supposed to gamble in texas but this bar was one of those

places where it's like you could probably fuck a hole in the dirt outside and it doesn't nobody you could pull your penis out lay down on your stomach and just start fucking the ground nobody would care um anyway i already told you about the other fucking texas hold them that guy showed me a video of him fucking his wife i didn't anyway this guy uh you know older white dude fucking gaunt clearly you know been smoking glass most of his life you know we're bullshit and we're talking he's like uh man they got us on these 712s and we ain't got no rest day no fatigue day i'm like yeah man it sucks and he's like i ain't been able to put it to my old lady in months man i get home and you know but she keeps in pictures coming man and and and man they keep me going to work and i'm like awesome i've seen i've seen you at work like in the i think it was a mill right so i was like i've seen you

over there in the mill right tent area looking at your phone pretty often because i would drive the truck by and i'm like is it like 7 30 in the morning and you're looking at what i'm assuming if this is your old lady like your baby mama that she's also like 60. You're just looking at old cooter like this fucking nasty ass motherfucker. Anyway, we're sitting there and, you know, people keep buying us drinks. Bartender brings the shots over or whatever. And I'm like, you know, trying to get to know these guys. But again, they're like they're shitty. They say fucked up things.

And I'm clearly not on the level or whatever. But, you know, and uh what oh those are my those are my shirts for padeo time I just got them sorry yeah sorry and uh and so anyway he's like he like gets his phone out and he's like oh she just sent me one man she just sent me she just got a new iPhone, man. Takes great pictures. She sent me a titty pic. Y'all want to see it?

And a guy across from me is like, hell yeah, pass it over. And he like hands the phone to him and he's like, oh man, I miss, I wish my old lady, she don't like to take pictures like this, you know, whatever. And it get like, he's just passing this phone around of his wife's tits or whatever to girlfriend. I don't know. And it gets around to me and I'm like, oh man, I'm, I'm good dude. And they're like, he was like, what do you mean you're good? You don't want, you don't, you know, I never, I never met a man turned out.

I'm still looking at a picture, bear titties, Bobby. It starts talking like boom hour, but like, he's a little mad. I don't want to see his like old wife's like rolled up. Like, like fucking just like, you know, you're being rude. Like like if you're like, what was the old? It's like going to like hang out like in the jungles or whatever and turning down like a delicacy like you can't hanging out with cannibals. You're like, no, I don't want to eat any any leg cheekbone or whatever want to eat cheekbone or whatever yeah and he's like you know he's like man i never you know you fucking you some kind of something you know the word you know and i was like no i

just i was drunk and i was like no i mean i just like don't want to see like old tits right now like i'm just i'm good i'm but thank you though and he was like what like like took it very personally and i was like i'm not i was like hey man i'm not trying to be a dickhead or nothing it's just like a long day at work and i just don't feel comfortable i don't know this lady you know i guess she's your wife it's just weird they're like y'all don't think this is weird have you ever like watched a scary movie where the whole town's in on it and they, like, turn towards the... Yeah. They were, like... I was, like, it's weird to, like, look at a pair of tits that, like, didn't get sent to you. Like, it's fucking weird.

Right? Like, am I the only one? Fucking, like, 10... I didn't... I got out of my element, dude. I forgot. They were, like... Excuse me.

It was, like, Children of the Corn where they're all standing, like, in the fucking... In their ride. Yeah. Like... It's safe to say that I was, like, not, like, like children of the corn where they're all standing like in the fucking in their eyes yeah it's safe to say that i was like not like the talk of the you know i didn't get along with those dudes like after that i don't i it the problem at hand is is that i don't i've never really been like a let me see a picture you know like oh like you get nudes like you're a man who has a girlfriend with like it's like oh let me like just always seemed weird to me be like uh i don't give a fuck about these i don't know these guys i don't know even if i did you know like i don't know what possesses them to be that

horny at that age i if i'm 65 years old and i'm never i'm never having a sexual thought past the point where I'm 42 once I'm completely busted I'm just gonna cut my dick off cause like

I don't wanna be I don't wanna be the fat ass old man who's like man oh man you're lucky

you know that's just dude there was so many guys that like I think I told you that. I mean, not that I,

not that I would. Yeah, but I think it's easier to just go about life as a eunuch, you know? Yeah. And then just to tell like

everyone I meet, like I mutilated myself so I wouldn't be weird. Yeah, you're at a dive bar like after work and you're like, like,

man, you know, I just, you know, it's makes me more comfortable. Fuck it. Your form is like, man, you know that? Yeah, I just, you know, it makes me more comfortable. Fuck it, your foreman's like, man, that girl works in the trailer, she fills out all the paperwork.

God damn, I think she's about 18, 19, and you know, I think her daddy got her this job. I'd love to, and you're like, yeah, you know, I don't really think about her too much. Honestly, I remove my details, and it's not really a, do you think it's okay to talk to women

like this? I think I'm going to go home and do some arts and crafts. I just got a brand new hot glue gun. I got a hot glue gun and my chihuahua needs water so I just need to get back home. Mr. Sir?

You're like six foot, 260. Completely hairless. Do you mind if I sing some school songs? What? Hold on, hold on, man. What are you talking about? Wheels on the bus go round and round. Hold on a minute.

So, wait, why do you talk like that? Well, I realized after a certain age that it's unnatural for a man to lust after young women. It's just weird. And I would never do that. I would never do that. So I cut my penis and balls off

with a box cutter. I know the penis part could have stayed. And also I could have just gotten a vasectomy. I googled it after the fact. I'm not a very smart guy. You need to understand that about me. In fact, my bones are weakening. It's really weak.

My hair is falling out. Yeah. My acne's all weird. I probably could have waited. I'm only 33. I've been having really severe mood swings. I mean, I think I'm bipolar now. My body's been producing a lot of estrogen to counteract it.

I'm growing breasts. I think I'm just some sort of ogre mostly at this point. I'm not doing anything. I'm not really doing anything to help myself, you know. Yeah. In fact, I felt like I was a much better person before. In hindsight, I think I rather would have been a creep than a... Whatever I am now.

I should have just transitioned or something that would make more sense. So I could be on a certain path. Now I'm just some sort of weirdo. I don't know. Anyway, like I said, I'd like to watch Thomas the Train on your phone if you'd let me. Yeah, I would... If you could put away the picture of your sister's ass cheeks that you have for some reason. That is your sister. Do you have any books like Huckleberry Finn I can read?

Can I read Tom Sawyer in a PDF on your phone? Do you have a... I just thought of something, Foreman. I invented a new type of phone charger. I just thought of it. Callingman. I invented a new type of phone charger. I just thought of it. Calling your Foreman Foreman after work. I'm sorry. I thought of it.

It's a charger that charges your phone in one second. Wouldn't it be better if he was trying to fit in, but he didn't want anyone to know he was a eunuch? And they're like, yeah, you know, I was out there in Bolivar Peninsula and some of them fucking massage joints, buddy. I'm telling you, they fucking work you over good. Yeah, I love getting a massage. It's probably my favorite thing.

And the guy's like, yeah, I mean, you know, they pay him 10 extra bucks. I make that ending real happy. I tip 20 to 30 percent every time after the massage, you know. I let them massage my whole body, even my nub, my sexless nub. Shit. Oopsies. Now you all know that I cut my penis off

with a box cutter. Do you guys like Milwaukee? Are you Ryobi guys? This is a question I have for you because I don't really want to talk about my nub anymore. I just want to know what types of power tools. People say Ryobi is like the working man's tool. It's affordable and durable.

But the aesthetics of Milwaukee, that red and black, you can't go wrong, Jack. I'm sorry. Me personally, I'm a Ryobi guy. But I need to get back to what you were saying. Your nub. Talking about your penis? I ain't never heard nobody call that. No, I was talking about my drill.

My nub drill. My nub bit drill. By that, I don't mean the drill I use to get the rest of my urethra out. Now my bladder just kind of dumps all my piss throughout my body. It kind of gets on my nutsack and my thigh. It kind of gets all my nuts out of my thigh. I have to get drained out of my stomach every week. I've had sepsis for 42 years.

Listen, again, I'm really glad that you all invited me to the Neon Moon Saloon after work. It's nice to feel invited to things. People usually see me as this hairless, sort of mole rat looking creature, and they don't want to hang out with me. And no one, you know, people, when I tell them that I cut my penis, I mean, that I love

Milwaukee tools, people get mad because people love their Ryobis and, you know, they love their Black & Decker. Me personally, Black & Decker is a substandard set of tools. It's like your starter tool, you know, but now that my penis is off, I really feel like we can all be friends. Man, this is a great big cupcake I brought for lunch.

This is gonna go straight to my nub. I mean, my hips. Everybody's got like, yeah, people got like leftover pot roast, a hamburger, fucking, you know, like a whole fish or whatever the fuck, you know, and you're like, Everybody's got like Yeah People got like Leftover pot roast A hamburger Fucking you know Like a whole fish Whatever the fuck

And you're like Just bring out A fucking two pound Pea cupcake With a big candle Some guy's across And was like What the hell is it

Your old lady She a baker Something It's your birthday boy And you're like No this is just What a guy likes me Just loves to

This is what I have For lunch After a long Every day I love eating the icing. I love it when it's hot, the icing melts and I can eat it with a spoon and it's like a great big slush. It's a great big, and here's the thing, I don't have a wife. In fact, after I did what I did to myself, I did have one date.

And when it came time to You know She was so disgusted That she called the police So But the cupcake is red velvet It's buttercream icing I make them for myself This is my lunch

It's what guys like me eat What do you mean guys like you? You some You next I cut my penis off With a box cutter I mean I mean i mean i'm a baker i'm a bait i mean i meant to say baker and i said eunuch listen man if you're

homosexual my brother you know he we don't talk too much no i have no sex no sexuality in fact i would actually rather go to a park and watch the mulch watch the mulch on the ground and watch it stay right where it is watch it stay in its proper place than ever look or think about a woman or a man. I have no sexual thoughts about you, Mike. I never could. I got no wiener. And I got no nuts either. I want you to understand, again,

I think a eunuch is just the nuts, but... They have no penis. They have to eat it. To prove their loyalty to the queen. Queen? What? I'm not. I think I'm losing you, boy. Queen?

Eunuch? I'm not following. I'm not gay. Like I said, I don't mind Ryobi. But when it comes to their lawn tools, you think I want to use a battery-powered lawnmower? Absolutely not. Listen, a lot of people think that Milwaukee, you know, they were the tools of the 80s and 90s. That was their best bet. and I tend to agree.

But I think they started manufacturing a lot of their tools in China. And Ryobi, while made, I just think the factory works better. I don't want a battery-powered leaf blower. But I just wish they came in other colors. You know? I, you know, I don't think people talk about DeWalt enough. And I understand. You know, there's a premium on it because you know you're getting some of the best.

But when it comes to my nub and the fact that, you know, DeWalt makes good box cutters I should have used one of those instead my shit looks like it got hit by a god damn zero turn it looks like I got my penis caught in the machine area it's like a

man you know my daughter's growing up so fast but man you know these friends of hers she brings back home her roommate from college. Oh, boy. Man, they didn't make them like that when I was growing up. You know, what they didn't make when I was growing up was just a really solid impact drill. Nowadays, people, you know, anything that just makes a bit of noise, they'll call it an impact drill. But the impact drill used to be able to take your hand clean off.

And now, you know, anything that's got a bit of an oomph to it. Just any old 20-volt. Really? They'll say, oh, my new impact drill. Oh, my new brushless impact. Shut up. You don't know anything. You spent $80 on that.

That has a cord. It's corded, Mike. Take a peek at this girl. Now, don't look at my daughter. I'll fucking kill you. You fucking eunuch fuck. This is her friend here. They went on a trip to Italy. Ain't she something, man?

I mean, god damn. She reminds me of my old lady. I like her bikini. I've been thinking about getting one myself i think i think that's the perfect underwear for me because my my area looks a lot like a woman's but with nothing underneath yeah it's kind of like a barbie but if you took a cigarette to her her pelvic reach you know like i don't i don't want to say it's it's not even really enough it looks kind of like

somebody hit my area with a spell have you ever like you ever like uh been in school and you turned a desk over and there's some chewed up gum from like 1996 stuck to the bottom of it that's kind of what my area looks like uh they did let me keep my nuts, though. And by they, I mean me. Because I did it myself. I think of having them reattached. But I don't want to have to deal with the thoughts that come with it. I've had them in a sandwich bag for four years.

I hope they're okay. Like I said, Mike, I don't know why Black & Decker even comes into the conversation when you talk about high-grade tools. Well, you know, people I think want to get the best bang for their buck. I think want to get the best bang for their buck. But I would say if you're going to drop the money on Black & Decker, Ryobi's not much more expensive and it's much more reliable, like I said. And what about

Makita? I'm actually not familiar with that brand, so I can't speak on it. I don't know a whole lot about it, but I've seen their Orbital Sanders and they've got good ratings on Home Depot. Who knows?

I need a jigsaw, Mike. What for? I don't know. Question for you, Mike. I have been noticing that while I don't typically have sexual urges because of my area, I do find myself feeling more feminine lately. I was wondering if you had like a cousin or something or a son that just needed a roommate.

I'm having trouble paying rent on my trailer. So I just wondered if you got anybody that looks like you but is just a little younger. I'd like to clarify, I'm not a threat. In fact, if you ever tried to cut penny-sized slices out of a hot dog, but you used a butter knife, that's what my area looks like. And what could I do with that? Nothing. I'm tired of hearing about your area.

Well, Mike, that's sad. It's sad that you can't accept me for who I am as your friend. As my foreman, you should be... Foreman? Foreman? I'm foreman. My area's acting up. It's hurt.

Foreman, I don't know if you read my file, but I cut my penis and balls off with a box cutter. And my area's acting up. And I need to go to the port party to perform. I have a big bandaid on it. I've got like two pounds of gauze down there. It looks really fucked up. It looks like a urinal cup. It's just sort of like mashed and dissolved.

So I was wondering if I could take the rest of the day off. I've been sweating on it. It's not good. That is a Unix pipe fitter, guys. Thank you. Thanks so much for stopping by Unix pipe fitter. Anytime. You know, if you ever want a third microphone,

I know all about the industry. They're not that expensive. You know, Blue makes great USB mics. Behringer, you know, you just got to bet most bang for your buck. You can get a compressor mic for not that much more. Anyway, thanks for having me. I got to go take care of my zones. Thank you, guys. We Thank you guys we got shirts We got shirts. We got every size

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which is the biceps are just shorter and smaller on there. We got white guy size, which is the biceps are just shorter and smaller on there. We got white guy size, which is XXXL. XXXL and then extra small. Those are the only two sizes that are acceptable. If you're a white guy, you're either, you know, way fish or, you know, you're built like a fridge. We're counting on the Latino community to buy the mediums we've made. We do have Japanese sizes. Those are a little bit more expensive.

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