Pendejo Time - the final ad read

Episode Date: December 30, 2021

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and we're off uh we're back bitch we're back dude honestly you know i'm about fucking anyway i i don't i don't know what i'm doing i had a it's pretty i woke up this morning went to the gym 7 a.m and just got back i did a two day or today uh i got my fucking i got my shit fucking split during sparring like an hour and a half ago um i got kicked in my fucking head and it was one of those like it's like a flash of white light and you're just like sitting there and you're like you wear headgear and fuck no no i wear mouthpiece uh that works it's the same thing yeah uh yeah it does the same yeah uh no i don't wear headgear uh it fucks with my peripheral vision but they didn't do me any good this time around

there was like a i was talking to kurt about it on twitter but there's like a moment like right before like you see the leg and it's at your eye level it's right before it connects with your like cheek jaw general area where like man this guy got me he got me uh he got me pretty good here i'm kind of like it's you can't move back you can't like step out to the side like it's too late it's like literally before like it's over with the blink of an eye but there is a thought that's like ah there's shit dink and i i got rocked dude like i like like a flash of white light and my legs gave out which is only i mean it's happened to me plenty of times before but it's not like like it's not it's not something you ever get used to i guess uh and i was just like and that And this was like my second round

With the dude the round before he like Kicked me in my liver And I like just fell to the ground Big fucking Refrigerator of a dude And There's like a Moment I don't know where you're like

Bah you know you go to class You hit the pads you spar you have a good good run and then somebody who's just been doing it either a way longer or b just more of like a natural athlete just fucking reduces you to dust you're like ah well you know i guess i'm i guess i'm a pussy yeah are you going to cry about this No no I was just Trying to bring it around to that point exactly Where it's like you know you're like well you know I guess I'm gay

Not really but you know I guess I'm just sort of you know No I'm not a winner in God's eyes Which as you know Thomas is my close friend That's what matters to me Right right I mean When you get kicked in the head and you see the light or whatever, it's because you've sinned elsewhere.

Correct. Yeah, that's definitely true. You've become a fallen soldier of Lucifer's army. I – Taekwondo is – first off, I will say it's partially like a fake form of self-defense. But also it was kind of funny that in tournaments, you know, like if you kick somebody in the head really hard, it's like frowned upon. Yeah. Which is funny because it's like, hey, man man you're winning by too much of a margin actually they they um there was a guy i think it was i think it was the olympic the olympics just passed i'm i'm it was either like karate or taekwondo but i think it

was taekwondo where the guy hit a mean spinning spinning wheel and ko the dude and the other guy got he progressed like he got the medal but the other guy got he progressed like he got the medal but the other guy but it was like the judges or whatever were like no well yeah it's I mean part part of it is it's very difficult to have that level

of self control to be winning the round like yeah but I mean also it's like okay imagine a street fight and somebody just gets fucking dropped and everyone's like oh he won get up man you won yeah that's stupid um that's a silly thing i never uh i don't know i never Doing like a spinning wheel kick or whatever, that's cool. But you gotta be so fast to land those. Even in like, you know...

Obviously, it's not something you would do in like a real life fight. But they... There's a guy I follow on Facebook. He's been a door guy downtown for like 20 years. His name is Deuce King. He trains at a gym on the north side. He does not listen, so it doesn't matter. But he's been a bouncer

in Austin for fucking forever. When I was a bouncer, like years and years ago, almost 10 years ago, he had been bouncing for like 15 years. He's an old head. Anyway, he posts on his... There's like a Facebook anyway he posts uh on his on the there's like a facebook group of door guys i forget it's like uh it's just like people who want to pick up shifts

or people who need work or whatever and they all go in there and it's like you know get each other jobs it's cool but he he runs that group and he posts videos he takes videos outside of the bar that he's been bouncing at for like almost 20 years and uh or over 20 years and he's like uh you know the best of six street or whatever and it's like the best downtown fights now best can range from like absolute just like two fat guys just like breathing on each other and throwing like one haymaker per two minutes some of them are like insane where it's like i should be paying to see this and one of them was this guy the guy he was fighting he was just he just looked like a normal guy just like skinny jeans button up whatever the guy he was fighting was clearly homeless and the guy was like swatting something

at him it was kind of video was kind of grainy but it looked like keys or maybe like a little knife i don't know and uh the guy's like swatting at him from a distance you know like leg distance like kicking distance and the guy's just kind of bouncing there like kind of like taekwondo style like side to side very sideways and just like he like, he's like, hey, man. Hey, man. This is how you hear the video. Like, hey, dude. And, dude, the guy like kind of moves forward a bit to swipe with whatever he had in his hands.

I don't know. And he threw it, dude. Spinning wheel kick? Yeah. Lead leg forward, turned his back, and threw that his heel. And it connected. Dude, in the video, it was like a... Like, and the guy just like...

You ever see like the... Not just KO videos, but like if you've seen like... Like when people get shot and their arms kind of lock up by their waist and they drop. Like he just hit the fucking ground, dude. And when a knockout in the street is bad enough, you don't hear like, Oh, world star.

You like there's when it's really bad, which that one was, you hear like a, like everyone that's watching is like, Oh, like it's not, it's not like, Oh,

it's more of, it's like, there's you. This guy's clearly the aggressor. He has a weapon. The dude, you can hear him multiple times in the video like, dude, stop, stop, stop. Dink. And he just, it just dropped.

And kind of like his hands were twitching and it's like, oh. Did you have to? I mean, obviously you did. It was a self-defense scenario. Every man's dream to throw a spinning fucking back kick at a dude's chin area. Was it a – was he hooking with the foot or was it a clean back kick? It was just like a spinning back kick but to the head. He hit him with a heel.

So like a – Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, you can connect with the heel on a wheel kick too, but it's – Yeah. Yeah, it was very, very clean. And the guy just kind of like ceased to exist. And like he turns the camera around and he's like, that's the end of that or whatever.

And it's just like, man, I have been in like street, you know, you get in street fights or whatever. You get jumped, you know you get in street fights or whatever you get jumped you know you whatever if you put a guy out like that even when you're defending yourself there has to be like a moment in your heart when you see the guy drop like that like obviously the ego but there's also a moment where you're like hey is this guy like dead i've never experienced anything like that because i don't throw fucking spinning back kicks to the head in fucking street fights. I haven't been in a street fight in a while, but it's like I just – I've seen that video and obviously other fight videos where guys land crazy shit. They just, you know, like they just do or whatever. And you're like, is that guy dead? Like is that guy like not alive like any fucking more, you know?

I mean obviously you're clear. You know, you're in the clear legally, but... I feel like there'd be so much adrenaline, you're just like, I should rip his heart out. Yeah. Yeah, you see that a lot. I hate seeing, you know, those Street Fight videos where the guy, he'll take his soul out and take a bite from it and disperse it into the ether world. I'm like, too far, man. You should've just stuck with the roundhouse. Yeah.

Oh, it's my dad's birthday today. Happy birthday, Dave. Happy birthday, Dave. Yeah, happy birthday. Big ol' Dave. 50. Happy birthday to Dave. Happy birthday to Dave.

Two days, happy birthday. Happy birthday to Dave. Happy birthday to Dave. Today's happy birthday. Happy and your name's and happy birthday and Dave. Dave's happy birthday. Happiest birthday to Dave. It's his birthday. Happy birthday. Yep. I was like, hey, what are you doing um for your birthday or whatever and he was like

ah hell nothing i'm in the parking lot my job site and i'm like heading home or whatever i might go out to dinner or something and uh like you know you do anything friday or whatever because he always like throughout my life like he does like his birthday slash new year's and he just tears just ties one off or whatever. And I was surprised to hear he was like, honestly, I ain't got nothing going on this year. He was like, I got to steam clean my bedroom. And I was like, I have never heard, never in my life did I ever think that you, that, like, I would hear that. Like, that is like, that's something that, like, an adult does on their birthday.

My dad's an adult. He's like, yeah, I i gotta steam clean my bedroom i was like you're not gonna make a bunch of daiquiris and cook like 50 pounds of fajita meat and like try to blow your fucking car up in the driveway or whatever you're like no i'm like all right well respect fucking happy birthday man that rocks uh why he needs to steam clean his bedroom i do not know i feel like he's like he's like really calm and he's like yeah i just need to do this and he's like killed somebody yeah well it's like i don't think he's i just he's a he's a fucking like you know he's an animal so it's like i'm sure he just throws beers on the ground and shit but like you know spits on the floor and stuff but like he lives with his his sister like my aunt he's like yeah i gotta stain clean your aunt's room i'm staying in i get the floors and stuff vacuum it up what the fuck are you doing and like he's i mean he's been

there for a year but it's like what kind of damage are you doing in a year where you have to go rent like an industrial shop vac but again you know it's good to do every six months or so six months no i deep cleaning your carpets help them helps them last longer yeah i mean like if you live in a house i feel like if you rent apartments it's like why like why does the carpet magically last longer in apartments no but it's like if i'm having a yearly science team cleaning shit in this if i'm having a year leave science team cleaning shit in this motherfucker i'm out you know all right well this is something something to think about man because you know we're not going to be here forever and the things we keep

now we're really stewards to the children of the next generation jake you ever think about that definitely a phrase i would use to describe me and you for sure i think of my i think of us as stewardesses you ever been on an airplane jake uh no no no they give out pretzels peanuts um they give out water they give out seltzer water diet coke coke zero sprite diet sprite dr pepper diet. Pepper. Sometimes they'll have root beer, diet root beer. They'll have apple juice, orange juice, sometimes grape juice or cranberry juice. Okay. And sometimes if you're a grown-up over the age of 21, you can get a beer, a wine, a wine cooler, a martini on some of the nicer flights.

Okay. Or maybe some wine i i haven't really looked but that's kind of what we are when you really think about it because when the next generation comes to us jake what are they going to be saying are they going to be saying oh hey big papa uncle daddy jake uh the carpet's messy. I hope not. I hope they're going to say, can I have a pretzel? They're going to be saying the N-word, man. They're not going to be saying that.

Not my kids. Not my children. Not my baby Bobby boy. How old do you think you start cranking them out? Like, what's your age of, like, I'm going to be a dad? 11. You're older than that. I want to? 11. You're older than that. I want to be 12.

You're older than that. It's too late for that. 55? 15. 15? That's a good age. When do I want to start having kids? I don't know.

I'm 27. You haven't won? I'd be before 27. Before 27? Really? Yeah. Yeah? Interesting. I mean, I don't really make a whole lot of money right now.

I could figure it out, you know, but I'm not going to plan on having a kid at 22. No, that's a bad idea. No, that's like a Mormon move or whatever. Yeah, yeah, that's a shitty one. But even like my parents started having kids when they were 24. Yeah. And they've got seven of them. I forget that you have a big-ass family.

It's weird because Ashley's family is big. There's four kids, but she's like half Mexican or whatever, so there's like 900 cousins. And when we first started dating, I was like, hey, we're going to go to Christmas at my mom's place. And she was like, well, how do you fit everybody in the apartment? And I was like, it's me and my mom and my brother and my dad. But, you know, he'll show up, like, later or whatever. And she's like, you don't have any cousins?

I'm like, I have no blood-related cousins. None. Like, first cousins? No blood-related first cousins. My uncle, on my mom's side, can't have kids. And my aunt, on my dad's side, is adopted. So, like, I don't have any, like, first cousins by blood or whatever. Of course your uncle can't have kids.

He's a boy. Well, he can't make juice. Have you tried? Have I tried milking my uncle for his juice? Is that what you're saying? Look, we're sewerses here. This is what we do. No, I have not tried.

Do they have milk on airplanes? I feel like it would give you, I feel like even if you weren't lactose intolerant, I feel like everyone's lactose intolerant on an airplane. If you ask for whole milk on an airplane, the steward or stewardess should be able to fucking two-piece you, dude. Hey, can I just get a glass of just like whole milk? I really want choccy milk. Can I get choccy up here please

and dino chicken nugget please dude i thought that when i was like a kid watching like early 2000s like comedies like american pie and shit stuff like that i thought that like fucking in an air like you hear about like the the mile high club or, you're like, oh, that shit, probably everybody's doing that. And then, like, when I got on my first airplane, I was like, oh, how do people fuck in here, you know? It's honestly a question that still bothers me. I think they used to have bigger restrooms in there, I think. Probably, yeah.

Now it's like a fucking one. It's clearly for one person. It used to be people would have huge orgies on a plane yeah they would first first they would first class ticket used to mean whenever you hopped on you could shake the you know you could shake the pilot's cock like a like a limp wrist you know yeah that's true i think if you buy if you pay you know 300 bucks for a ticket or whatever you should get to see it if you yeah yeah at least see it if or whatever, you should get to see it. Yeah, at least see it. If you fly first cash, you should get to suck it.

For sure. My buddy, one of my old roommates, Rich Gay Zach, his dad is super wealthy. And they – oh, yeah. No, no. Well, he's just rich and gay aside from that. But his dad owns or co-owns an island in the bahamas he like splits it with another rich guy so it's like broke ass get your own island dude right that's what i that's what i said that's what i tell my friend who's worth millions of dollars is your dad's

broke as fuck um but anyway he was texting us the other day and he was like well the whole family has covid um but i have to get back to the States, so I'm trying to Photoshop a negative COVID test. And I was like, what? And he was like, yeah, like, if I test positive, like I got to Photoshop a negative one because I got to get back to the States. And I was like, man, that's like really bad to do. And he's like, why? And I was like, oh, you know know like you're on an airplane and stuff

and he's like well i'm fine i'm like i'm gonna be on like a private jet or whatever it's just gonna be like you know and i'm like i realized like i have these moments with him he's like we got we we ended up rooming together in college just by nature of knowing similar people. And he was friends of friends and he needed a place to stay. We live together. I've had moments in the last like 10 years with this guy where I'm like, oh, you're not just like upper middle class. You're like you're kind of like like the cancer that eats away. He's a great friend of mine.

Don't get me wrong. Very fun guy. Very like nice dude. He's like, yeah, I mean, if like if we're chartering a private jet, like who gives a fuck? And I'm like, honestly, man, dude, you win. Checkmate. I was like, it's probably wrong to come back from like your parents' private island

on like a charter jet, right? Or like on an airplane, right? And he's like i mean we're chartering a jet so i'm like oh yeah i mean would they have an airport on there yeah i mean yeah but it's like it's the only people that are on the charter jet or his family who have covid yeah and i guess the pilot and the stewardesses and i guess that's wrong but it's like he's not you know exposing if you're a stewardess on a on a private jet charter or whatever you've probably seen a lot of worse

things than uh that's a good point yeah no doubt yeah that's a really good point actually you've probably seen like like actual full-blown pedophilia like if you're a veteran stewardess on like a private jet charter like you've probably seen like like stuff that you just that's what that's what we are for this next iteration pedophiles no stewardesses oh yeah yeah i remember you said something like that yeah i don't know if i you know what i don't know that voice fucking sucks, man. Ah, dude, it fucking jumps in and out. Like, it'll be quiet for a second.

Dude, it's... God damn it, dude. Fuck. Isn't it cool that I can do that? Dude, you're throwing my vibes off. For real. What vibes do you have, dude? Dude, I have a million vibes right now. Dude, I have a million vibes right now.

My dad got us pottery lessons for Christmas. I'm looking forward to that. I've been trying to get Ashley to take a pottery class. She's been wanting to. I'm going to get so good. What are you going to make? Pottery, probably. Probably something out of clay.

Yeah, I know a lot about it, but it's like i'll probably make like a fucking like a pot or like a pan yeah or like a like a stucco house or like a animal or like a piece i might just make a really hard piece of clay and put it in the kiln and then throw it out my window on I-30. You should throw it at your girlfriend as hard as you can. Dude, that's – that would be – Do you not throw, like, hard objects at your girlfriend's head? Dude, I'm a lot of things, okay? But I'm not brave. Dude, I'm a lot of things, okay?

But I'm not brave. I think my girlfriend could beat me up. I think she could. I think I would agree with you. I just think in the same way that warrior classes, if you're playing a dice board based game, warrior classes are given certain buffs or whatever. I think Latina women are just stronger. It doesn't matter gender based women, men.

I just think Latina women probably hit harder than your average white woman. I remember when I used to uh at this one office type place and uh this lady i was friends with there she would like she was like in her probably like early 30s or whatever i don't know i don't know how old women are but uh yeah she was telling me she was like uh oh when i was younger you know i was like crazy you know and i was like yeah that's okay whatever and she was like like one time my ex-boyfriend cheated on me i like i set all this stuff on fire and like threw it out of a car and i was like i what the fuck my idea at the time of like what an insane what an insane woman might be yeah was like uh like somebody's mean to you

yeah like somebody's like you're a fucking asshole yeah yeah like like like a psycho i don't know i don't really know how shit works in general i'm probably the calmest man in the world honestly when i first started dating ashley we had thanksgiving we started dating october 2019 and we were having thanksgiving first thanksgiving like i went to her visit her parents and her mom is very fun like we love each other she's great like she's a great woman but she like we hit it off immediately you know it was it was very like you know like cool like dating your daughter or whatever. We got along great. But she was also, like, and this is one of the reasons the voices that we do gets me so good. Because she kind of does talk like that.

And she was, like, you know. She was, like, if you, like, you know, you cheat on my daughter, you hurt her or whatever, you know, I'll stab you. I'll kill you, like, dead or whatever. And I was, like, ha, you know, I'll stab you. I'll kill you like that. Or whatever. And I was like, ha, you know. And she was like, no, it's okay. Like, you know, people do. You know, I just, it's just, you know, I like,

my babies, my babies, you know, I'll fucking kill you. And I was like, I, outside, if I were to tell this story and it wasn't real, it would be racist. Because she's Mexican. From Mexico. The real kind. She has the voice, okay?

But because it's real, like, it was very, like, I was one of her best friends. Dude, I'm, like, getting grilled. And I get it. Like, you know, like, you're the boyfriend or whatever. But it was very funny. We've been dating like a month and a half maybe. It's like late November at this point. And I'm like, you know, they're like, so I heard you used to like a drug problem.

And I'm like, yeah. And they're like, like a bad one, you know. I'm like, yeah, it's pretty bad, you know. I mean you know i mean as far i mean like i wasn't sucking dick or nothing for it but like i didn't pay my bills and like everybody was mad at me or whatever i'm like okay so like what's up with that and i'm like uh my life was bad but like not that bad like not bad enough to make me like a like an interesting person just bad enough that i didn't want to deal with it and so i like did a lot of coke and a lot of pills which made me annoying and they're like

oh respect or whatever so like are you doing that now and i'm like no man i man. No, I get it. No. And they're like, oh, okay. Hey, if you like ever like fuck around or whatever, like I'm going to fucking kill you. And I was like, dude, like nine people at this party have threatened to stab me. And I'd like telling Ashley about this. And she's like, ah, it's just, it's just the crew. It's just the, you know how we, you know how we do it. It's just, it's just the, it's just the friends. And I'm like, hey man, um, do it. It's just the friends, and I'm like, hey, man, if you cheated on... My friends...

I think it's the difference between guys and girls when it comes to relationships. My friends, if you cheated... You could actually do me physical harm. My friends, if you cheated on me or hit me with a baseball bat, my friends would call me Modern Warfare 2 slurs. They'd be like, you let a woman hit you with a bat?

What are you, a fucking gay or whatever man? I'm like, nah, I just, you know, she snuck up on me. Like, I need you to understand that, like, you know, you do me wrong, like, nothing's gonna come of you. It's just not, why is this not a two-way street? Anyway,

it was very funny. I guess it's just the way it is. I don't know. Well, you know, I think it all trickles down from the patriarchy, Jake. You know what's really bad, dude? The patriarchy. Dude, I've been up all night thinking about the patriarchy. Dude, I lay awake at night about how bad it is.

I get fucking pissed, man. I get so mad at the patriarchy dude i lay awake at night i get fucking pissed man i get so mad at the patriarchy dude if there's one thing i can't stand is that all of my personal problems being caused by the patriarchy dude i've been benefiting so much from it lately and i just well you know i just wanted to confess that you know if i was a woman you know if i was like kind of like an annoying shrill person not just a woman you know i think the patriarchy would definitely keep me down. I guess, you know, I have this weird memory of,

uh, it was like 2019 and, or something like that, you know? And, uh, there's like a video that went viral and it was like, wow,

Jenna marbles. The YouTuber is a real one for this. And it was, uh, it was like a video of her and some other YouTubers playing like, uh, like, I think it was like apples to apples, but for like fucking influencers or whatever. Yeah. You know, pretty awesome stuff. And she drew a card that said white privilege and everyone else was like, no, it's okay.

We don't have to talk about this. And she was like, you know what? it's okay we don't have to talk about this and she was like you know what i think me having the option to not talk about this isn't itself reflective of white privilege and that's why let's talk about this you know and everybody you know there's quote tweets and replies is like honestly jenna i mean this in such a way, you were invited to the cookout because you, what you did here, you put yourself second. Yeah. And you know who you put first was POC. That is some good shit, Jenna.

Now, what have I heard from her since? Not a goddamn thing. But, now what was her deal in the first place? I think she was like a Vine lady or something. Vlogger makeup bitch or something yeah 2016 and 20 2015 and 2016 were great years for like that type of woman and then dudes with like veiny hands just like skinny guys with like veiny skinny guys are back big time skinny guys with veiny hands me and you were fuck skinny guys with veiny hands in 2015 and 2016 could tweet like, honestly, women are like, they're fine.

I just thought about racism. I pissed my pants. I was so mad. And then the replies would be like, a king, a woke king. Let me, I'm a whole, and it's like, hey, I like, you know, I'm a progressive guy, I guess. I have a question for you. The only thing, like, you made a good point. It's like Pete Davidson goes outside and he's like, I guess racism is like kind of fucked up.

And like the pop culture part of the internet's like, he just said it. Does he? What? Does Pete Davidson do anything? He does. He does, like, he's done, like, you know, like, he's got a Hillary Clinton tattoo and an RBG tattoo. I thought that was just because he was a pedophile. I really, here's the thing, I really want his Ruth Bader Ginsburg and Hillary Clinton tattoos to be fake and a bit.

No, they're real. I wish it was them kissing them. No, I know they're real, but I want them to be like a bit, like an inside joke. But I don't think that they are, is the problem. I don't think that they're like, like I don't think they're fake or whatever. Well, regardless, they're funny. That is true. Good point. Yeah, they are.

Dude, on several occasions, Ash is like, you kind of look like him. And I'm like, what the fuck? What are we talking about? He's like, yeah, you kind of look like him. And I'm like, what the fuck? What are we talking about? He's like, yeah, you kind of... You don't look like him, but it's nice of... I don't know if it's nice of her to say that. I think he's just gaunt. He's pale and he's got big lips.

I'm not saying he's a bad looking guy. Well, I think it's just our lips and that I don't get any sun. Because people are like, you can go outside and see Pete Davidson anywhere. It's like, okay, maybe you could. That doesn't mean he's an ugly guy. No, I mean, like, there are a lot of guys. He's not fucking, like, he's not Larry the Cable guy. There are a lot of guys that hang outside of gas stations that look like Pete Davidson, for sure.

Look, there's a lot of hot guys just walking around. Dude, I honestly— Yeah, that's okay. There are so many sexy guys. I have a question for you. What day is it? It is the 29th, so we have to do the ad read. Do we?

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I got a fucking, uh, so there's like this, uh, I've seen them. People will post screenshots on Twitter and like Reddit and stuff, but like I'll get emails. It's only happened twice.

It's like email or text message. It's like, Hey, uh, you know, so we activated your webcam on your laptop and, uh, you know, we caught you doing something kind of nasty.

Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. So if you don't send $1,000 in a Bitcoin wallet by the end of the day, we're going to send this to everyone in your phone contacts. My friend Armando posted one the other day. I've got one myself way back. It's a very funny scam or whatever. A lot of people fall for it. It's like, you know, we caught you jacking off. We're going to send it to everybody. You know, I it's fake. It's not real. Um, I think it's very funny though, that if it were to be real, like everyone in my contacts, former bosses, ex-girlfriends, coworkers, drug dealers, like, like everyone,

like friends, family, like just getting like a grainy video of me, like at an angle, like, you know, like my fucking neck all sideways, just jack, like, they're like, yeah, we got you. Like, dude, send it, send that shit, send it to everybody. Send it, send it to, send it to the Pope. Like, do you think you're going, do you think you're going to get me? I'm not going to pay you any money. Not out of principle, per se. I just want to see how far you can follow this through. Do you think that I'm bothered by that?

Not really. You know? Yeah. If you've got a video like that of Jake, send it to me. Because, you know, he doesn't even care. Send it to me. This guy doesn't care at all. Send it to me. If you've got a video of me jack even care. Send it to me. This guy doesn't care at all.

Send it to me. If you've got a video of me jacking off, send it to Thomas. Yeah, to prove a point. To prove a point. Thomas. And then, hey, just to prove a point, I'll keep it. Hey, were you at your parents' place when you sent me that thought picture on Christmas? It didn't look like your bathroom. I was like, whose bathroom is that?

Because I was like, that doesn't look like the bathroom that I piss in. No, that was my bathroom as a kid. Oh, nice. Full circle, baby, yeah. Thomas sent me a thought pic on Christmas from a really nice bathroom, and I was like, that's not Thomas' bathroom. Well, they remodeled it since i was there um it's got it's got it used to have a door for the shower and now it's got a fancy little curtain that's pretty sick i mean honestly door feels more fancy to me i'm not

gonna lie it's a very small shower uh okay okay like you step in and it's like you're taking up the whole shower like when you turn on the water you can't really get out of the way fully. But it's fine for a kid's bathroom, you know? I feel you, yeah. Did you ever, were you a jack-off on the toilet guy when you were a teenager? No, that felt way too primal. I've done it before, but it's not like a go-to. It's not like a go-to move, right?

No. I was having a discussion with a friend the other day And I was like When you were first jacking off How many of your jack offs were on the toilet Just because your dick was out And you're at that age It's just kind of like well it's there And I had seen

I have heard other people talking about Like hey jack off on the toilet Prospector posted about it a bunch and I was like is that like a common thing or is this like something that unhinged people do and I came to the conclusion that's like I jacked off a lot in my prime years but I never really did it I was never a jack off on the toilet guy it felt like if I'm taking a shit, I don't want to jack off. Like I just don't, you know, it's not the thing that's on my mind. But mad respect to those that do because it's utility.

You're pissing, you're shitting, and you're jacking. You're getting all of your shit out of the way. Well, there's a difference between jacking off on the toilet and doing it after you've. Well, why else would you sit on the toilet, I it's my question do you sit down to piss i actually do do it sometimes if i'm you know no if i'm tired i just have my hand on the wall when i do it when i piss um not in a public restroom but that would be very funny if i started doing that just like gripping the tile like oh fuck i i thank god i know you don't drink anymore but um there was a there have been so many times that i've like been in a bathroom fucking piss drunk and i go to take a piss and uh i like lean my head against the wall but i misjudge the distance between my head and the wall. And I just go to lean.

Like I will lean my head against the wall and then piss with both hands. And I fuck the distance up because I'm fucked up. And I'm like standing square footed, you know, penis out. And I'll lean forward and I'll just fall way more than I intended to and smash my fucking head against the wall. Just mean. And that's like a very like when you're pissing and doing that, it's like a very sort of like awakened. It's like, oh, all right. Well, I, you know, I got to come back online here.

I can't be doing shit like that. You know, I'm a grown man. I'm fucking 38 years old. You know, I can't. Are you what do. You know, I'm a grown man. I'm fucking 38 years old. Are you... What do you got there? Is that a little vape? This is a Cool Mints Savage vape. I got real tired of the fruity ones.

How much money do we have to make on Patreon for both of us to quit nicotine for good? What are we talking? $5,000 a month? No, it's going to be more. $10? Each or just $10 in general? $10.

The podcast falls to $5 split a month. Me and Tom don't actually. You know what? I don't think that's much incentive. People don't care that much. They don't care at all, actually. How about this? If we hit $10,000 a month, I'll...

You know what? $5,000 a month. I'll quit taking Adderall for an extended period of time. But you need that, though, don't you? Right. That's an important thing. Okay. Mm-hmm.

Right. Okay. But if I have, what? $2,500? It's not bad. It's not bad. That's pretty good. I could just start buying speed.

Yeah. Facts. Yeah. Facts, dude. Dead ass. Actually, you know what? I didn't take it yesterday. What is your milligram?

What do you take, 30s? No, it's just 15s, instant release. Oh, okay. But I only take one in the morning. Like, I'm not on a lot. When I first got put on it, they gave me 60 milligram extended release. On Adderall? 15 years old, dude.

My first try. Damn. Yeah. They put me on 40 milligrams of Vyvanse, but Vyvanse is, like, higher doses by default because it's not as potent, I don't think. You can't snort it. That's the only thing I know of Vyvanse, but Vyvanse is like higher doses by default because it's not as potent, I don't think. You can't snort it. That's the only thing I know about Vyvanse. They made it that way where you can't.

You can snort Adderall if it's IR. I used to snort Adderall all the fucking time. Great, by the way. If you've got an Adderall prescription out there and it's IR, crush that cocksucker up, dude. Get a little fucking wicky with it. I don't think I've ever actually snorted an Adderall prescription out there and it's IR, crush that cocksucker up, dude. Get a little fucking wicky with it. I don't think I've ever actually snorted an Adderall, even when I used to use it when I wasn't. Like, in ways that were devious.

Right, correct, yeah. Because to me it was always like, oh, this is a way I can drive. Yeah, yeah, no, for sure. Well, I mean, there's definitely like, I used to snort Adderall to sober myself up. Right, it's like what it's for. Yeah, yeah, no, for sure. Well, I mean, there's definitely, like, I used to snort Adderall to sober myself up. You're right. It's like what it's for. Yeah, yeah. That's its intended purpose, like, by the state.

Let's see when people are like, well, are you really sober if you take Adderall every day? I'm like, yeah, it makes me more sober. Yeah, it makes me hyper sober. Yeah, I'm a fucking, I'm extra sober. I'm sober too, bitch. Sober 2.0. Yeah, you're gay. I'm fucking, I'm so straight, dude.

I've never even fucking thought about it. Yeah, I'm straight. That's why I take poppers every night. Do you like poppers, dude? Do you do stuff like that? I tried nitrous one time, but it was... Dude, Whippets rock. I can't fucking stand by that shit enough.

I did it on acid. Oh, hell yeah. Yeah, that's a good move. Which is supposed to give you instant ego death. I can see that. It wasn't like a... I can see that. It was...

It took a... It wasn't instant. I'll put it like that. It was mostly the fact that I couldn't turn the lights back on that led to the ego death. Right, you were incapable of it, yeah. No, I couldn't find the fucking light switch oh nice yeah i was trapped in there for like an hour or so i don't know how

long it actually was people talk about ego death there's a certain air of of like like people who do hallucinogens like the superiority where it's like oh yeah i mean you gotta hit ego death bro you know and the times that i've had like i don't know if what i i'm sure it was no it's like uh there's there's like different gay little stages or whatever i never looked that much into it i looked into it to see if i'd had it and i hadn't really so i just was like all right fuck it we'll go all the way and then i haven't tripped since because that was a little. I couldn't. I didn't know English anymore.

Right, yeah. Like my thoughts were just like. When I candy flipped, I took X and acid. And then we played laser tag. I bet you sucked at laser tag. The lasers didn't go away. That was probably the coolest part, visually, of the whole thing, is that somebody would shoot a laser, and it would stay there for a bit,

like a phaser. It would, like, po like and then like fade out and i was like cool i was like man this is awesome and then on the car ride on the way home i peeked on both and i was like huh i just have like schizophrenia like i just have you know like i have a psychosis or whatever um in my mind going to play laser tag on ecstasy and acid, which is like about an hour long activity, made sense. But ecstasy is, you know, depending on what you take and how much, a two to three hour experience. LSD could be anywhere between like nine to fucking 15, depending on how much you take and the quality of it or whatever. So I was like,

yeah, you know, I'm going to, we're going to go play laser tag. I'm going to candy flip. It's going to be sick. Uh, and I was like,

dude, I had, I was like, do you know laser tag me? I was like, yeah, dude, if there was ever like a harder motherfucker in the world,

he would crumble at me. At the sight of me. No, I'm losing. The score after, I do remember I was in last place. But the mixture of the drugs in my brain and then the music, I was like, I'm basically Neo. Kind of untouchable in this way. No one can really fuck with me. My penis is large and my sack even larger. Your sack was larger than your penis?

That's actually the case usually. I'm going to be straight up with you. That's fine, man. Yeah, I'm going to be 100%, dude. I got heavy hangers. Little penis. Why did you do that? Why did you...

Little penis. Little penis. Like a used car salesman describing the catalytic converter. Heavy hangers, little penis. Hey, this car, a lot of power, high mileage. Hey, this guy, heavy hangers little penis oh fuck anyway yeah that's true though um yeah that's fine man i'm not you know i'm not trying to jump on your shit or anything you know no for sure because we're just friends oh we're right

we're business partners because we're so good at business, clearly. I don't know what taxes are going to do to me. Hey, don't worry, man. Not only do I... Don't worry, man, I get all our mail. And most of it I've read. Some of it. You have that EIN, right?

Mm-hmm. Yeah, I do. yeah i do emergency exit plan there you go e e e p i n brother yeah that's good i'm glad you got that for us by the way yeah i'm glad i remembered i'm glad that you that you're really good at remembering you know don't worry jake i'll probably have that to you in about 30 seconds yeah you'll definitely yeah you know what i'm worry, Jake. I'll probably have that to you in about 30 seconds. Yeah, you'll definitely, yeah. You know what I'm gonna start doing? I'm gonna start withholding your pay

until you get me... I'm gonna start slapping your balls around like a damn carton of eggs. We're gonna see who cracks first. Did you hear that? You keep, hey, you keep this jibber jab up. I'm going to teach your back a whole new language.

You're going to teach my ass a whole new sentence? Teach your back a whole new language. You know what that language is going to be, Jake? What? Ground. Ground, dude? You're going to teach me some ground? I'm going to teach your back ground for the first time, dude.

Dude, I love being on my background. You ever had a background check? Well, I'm going to have your back on the ground. Check. Check, mate. You ever played chess? Yeah. You're a pawn.

I'm the queen. And I'm inviting you into the chambers. We're going to have a talk, pal. You ever been treated like a damn... What's your shirt say? It says, why take WAP? That's literally what it says. It's a World History AP shirt from a high school down south that I found at a thrift store.

Why take wet, hairy-ass pussy? Correct. Here's the thing. A lot of people don't like hairy pussy, but I'm going to go on record and saying it's fine with me, you know, because I'm I'm progressive, dude. I'm kind of like a liberal, like a pussy eating guy. And I take like pictures like by the river and stuff. I listen to like Dr. Dog and shit. And so, you know, I'm kind of like a feminist guy and I got a camera and I've like never heard anybody or anything um like that so like if you know if you want to know some more about me um just ask you know i really like you're always open to questions and you're always seeking new adventures correct i'm always open to

questions i'm always seeking new adventures. I just love taking pictures. Like if you're a girl, like I really don't like taking pictures of guys, but if you're a girl and you're like, you like want to be like, you want to be a model, like I do, I'll take your picture for free. I see, I see women like probably no one else. Yeah, no, for sure. I'm kind of like, I'm a really sensitive photographer and like, I really just need to like unlock your inner, like, uh, your inner beauty, like the things you keep hidden, you know, like

the things that you keep, like the things you keep away from the prying eyes of God and man, like those things, you know, like if you're a woman and you want to have your picture taken, like, don't go to like a, a photographer with like light, like, you know, like guys who've been doing it a while, go to a guy like me because i'll take your picture like at a warehouse you're just describing every guy in like montreal yeah well there there was a a dude so we all in high school in junior high high school there was a guy that like hung out he didn't skate but he hung out at the skate park and took pictures of us and when you're like 13 and there's a guy with a camera there you're like i'm gonna do a kickflip i'm basically tony hawk and you get like you're like 13 and there's a guy with a camera there, you're like, I'm going to do a kickflip. I'm basically Tony Hawk.

And you get like a picture or whatever and it's like goes up on MySpace or Facebook or whatever. He like would take pictures of us. And we were friends on Facebook. We followed each other on Instagram. And like after like freshman or sophomore year, we stopped talking. I just, you know, I never really even knew the guy. And I saw like, but I did see his posts a lot. Like as I got older, I moved away.

I moved to Austin. He would always be like, hey, looking to get a shoot done, looking to do boudoir, black and white, like kind of like burlesque stuff. Like if you know anybody. anybody uh and he only like he went from doing like skateboard shoots in like junior high to like he would post like his portfolio and what he was looking to do and it was just like women in their underwear which like that's not like weird like off the jump like there are people who do good boudoir whatever the fuck it's called shit like that six ago, um, he did like a phone note post on Facebook that was like, Hey, like if you guys hear stuff about me, it's not real. Like, uh, it's just straight up like fiction. Like, it's just not like, you know, like, uh, it's just not, it's not me. It's not who I am.

Like as a person, I'm an artist, you know, I'm sensitive. I'm creative or whatever. Like, just a bunch of bullshit. And, like, all the comments were like, so, like, what's up with this or whatever? And they were, like, other screenshots. But he was apparently, like, women who did, like, shoots would be like, hey, so I'm going to do my clothes on. And he's like, no. like shoots would be like hey so i'm gonna do my clothes on and he's like no and they were like oh i'm not i don't do like nude stuff he was like yeah you do it's like whenever a guy you knew when you were 12 or 13 and you're like oh yeah man get a picture

of me doing a kickflip like in his adult life becomes a monster you're like oh it's like a thing where you're like i oh fuck you know like you ever take any pictures of you in the nude jake we were the same age so no um i did get pictures of taken to me you know as a boy like by an older man but that's that's neither here nor there right you know that's that's a rite of passage in the right of passage if you want to be funny and an interesting guy you've got to just something bad has you know like you know you got to get pictures taken of you your shit swatted around a little bit you know it's just you know thomas you've told me you talked my ear off about your experience yeah i've been as a child porn actor yeah i've been through a lot of dick yes and that's how we got so famous

and that's honestly how we got so famous and that's how we made it to hollywood that's how dude it would be very funny to turn this into like it like but not a genuine acting career like we just become extras like unpaid like the desperate la people are like I was in the new Leo movie. And they're like, oh. Their family's like, oh. Oh, my God. That's great.

Were you like a supporting character? Oh, no. I served him a scone. It got cut during the final editing or whatever. But I met him. You know, he's a really, he's an animal he's a monster I a couple of my friends who studied acting

at the university I went to which is a huge waste of time don't do it please don't don't go to college don't go to college yeah no straight up not even a joke don't go I feel part of me feels like I don't feel bad that's not the right turn or phrase. But they're like, you know, like they all moved to New York and they're doing like the Thomas Thomas Thomas getting yelled at.

I'm not getting yelled at. You know, they're all doing like musical, musicals and stuff and, like, off-Broadway stuff. And, you know, we have this, and it's, like, not talent-based. It's not? No. This is talent-based. The way I see it, we're like the new Starsky and Hutch. Who's Starsky?

Have you ever seen? I don't know. I've never seen the show, but you know what I mean? Oh, yeah, for sure. We're like... This is like... Penis and balls.

What's the thing with the fucking... This is like Rush Hour, and you're Chris Tucker. You're Chinese? I'm Jackie Chan. I'm a powerful individual, and I know martial arts. You're a powerful little man. Didn't his daughter come... And you're chinese i'm jackie chan i'm a powerful individual and i know martial arts little man didn't his daughter you're chris you're chris tucker didn't his daughter come out as gay and he like turned her into this here's what he did he did what he had to do

um it's kind of funny in recent years he's been like i really want to join the ccp so bad i love them so much and i want their, and I want to support them. And people are like, hey, man, you were at, like, Tiananmen Square. He was. He was, like, holding his son. Yeah, he was, like, an anti-China protester. But he's, like, the reason, one of the reasons why he isn't accepted is because his son, like, smokes weed. Okay, that, smokes weed. Oh, okay.

That's very funny. His son got busted with, like, just a shit ton of weed or whatever. Like, because the Chinese government was, like, they were cracking down on drugs, but specifically, like, celebrity drug use because it was, like, seen as, you know, like a bad example. Right, right, right. And basically, Jackie Chan was like, yeah, I must have fucked up raising him, honestly.

He let his son rot in jail for a while. That is pretty sick, honestly. I would do the same. Yeah. Well, no, you're Chris Tucker. Well, yeah. Do you want to understand a word that's coming out of my mouth? That's what he sounds like to me.

Really? Yeah. Could you elaborate on that? No, I don't think I'm going to. I know you're good friends with Bill Clinton. I think, I mean, it's about time that we got serious on the show. You know, we tell a lot of jokes and, you know, we do a lot of funny stuff. of jokes and you know we do a lot of funny stuff but it's about time that we gave our two cents on so-called president joe joe biden you know because we don't talk politics on here too much

but you know something that i do want to say is that you know i think that I don't like him. You know? I don't like him because he's black. I think he's a black guy. Yeah, a guy in Baton Rouge who doesn't have a TV who's like, I mean,

he has not watched TV since the Obama presidency. He's like, I mean, he has not watched TV since the Obama presidency. He's like, I mean, you ask me about Joe, you know, I mean, I'm going to be real. I'm going to keep it with you, you know. I don't like him because he's black. I mean, your name like Joe Biden, what's next, Tyrone, you know? Your name like Joe Biden, what's next, Tyrone? You know? Joe Biden, he's the guy who had the caprice that had the Newport's wrap on it, right?

Dude, honestly, I think you're talking about a picture on the internet I've seen, and that's a sick fucking... Dude, that's so, so fucking sick. Dude, if I had a Newport wrap on like a slab, get the fuck out. I would drive it everywhere. I would not even to car meets. I would drive it to the fucking store. Having a fucking Newport wrap even on like a 95 Honda Civic would be so sick. That's so sick.

Where the fuck do you even get a Newport wrap? You have to get it custom made, I feel like. There's no doubt. There's no doubt. You have to get it custom made. I like, dude, whenever I see, dude, we were eating pizza at fucking Homeslide, not Homeslide, Southside. And there was like a car meet next to us.

All those dudes were on their hard drive. I was like, God damn, I fucking, I live for this shit, dude. I want to be one of the, and what's funny is they were all like old tattooed bearded white guys. Like if you looked at the driver's seat, they were just like, you know. Not all of them But a good number of them I want to be like Paul Wall

Dude I would It's too late for me But you know How old was he when he made it big? I feel like he was probably a little older He worked at Swish House Before he put his first album out But you've got your foot in the door with Swish

Don't worry about it man You know You know motherf in the door with Swish. Don't worry about it, man. You know? You know motherfuckers have the Swish. I'm making money moves, okay? Alright? Be very funny. Do I have a lot in common with Paul Walt? Yes. More than

most people do. Right. Right. But, you know, we're both from Texas. We're both... We both got a little honky bloodness. And that's okay. Yeah. Look, me and you, Jake, I like to think of us as soul brothers. We are soul brothers for sure.

For sure. We're white boys. We both podcast. We're both white. We both have ethnic girlfriends. Yes. That's what it's all about, you know. know hey if you're two soulful white boys out there and you want to start a show if you have if you both have ethnic girlfriends

yeah i'm kind of dating a sister yeah yeah like what it's like it's like i got my girlfriend's half mexican and yours is what jewish i guess like, it's like, dude, just to be like, just to position myself as a woke white dude, it's like, yeah, you know, I date ethnic, you know, and it's like, my girlfriend's name is Ashley. Like, you know, like, I was like, yeah, I got an ethnic girl. I got a POC wife, you know. We've been together a long time.

I'm kind of really progressive in that way. You know, as someone in an interracial relationship, I feel like I'm qualified to speak on this. Yeah. No, yeah, just start pulling that card. I don't know. I don't know what I would, what arguments we would even use that for.

You know, when people accuse us of ironic racism or sexism, I feel like that's our out, dude. I don't think people accuse us of that. racism or sexism i feel like that's our out dude i don't think people accuse us of that but that's what this that's what the show is there's not like parts of it that aren't that you know people are like uh guys i've heard you were accused of having some ironic racism and sexism is that true it's like well yeah we have to we have another 10 minutes of the show you can listen to if you want. Yeah, I mean, sometimes it's about working out and being depressed,

but a good 92% of it is mostly do you want to go to sushi store? Like, a lot of it is just basically that. They should make a new grocery store soon. They should. We've got Whole Foods, we've got Central Market, we've got H-E-B.

We've got Walmart. We've got Super Target. Super Target isn't a grocery store. It's a paradise. Dude, fuck Target. I'm going to come up with a... Okay, have you been to Super Target? I have.

Fuck Super Target, dude. Have you been to Home Goods Marshalls, Jake? Home Goods Marshalls? They got both in the same store here. No, I actually have not been to that. You go off... Okay, my Fort Worth homies, okay? You go off Carroll Street, alright?

We got a Marshalls Home Goods and a Super Target in the same motherfucking plaza. Why are you... You're drunk, Jake. I'm not drunk. You don't know what you're saying. I'm not drunk.

You don't know what you're saying about Super Target. I'm not trying to drink, dude. You're off the wagon, dude. You're falling out of your chair right now, and you're talking smack about Super Target for no damn reason other than to upset me. Look, Super Target... You know how much I put up with every single twice a week? You dude you do so much for this show you know how much work i put

in this show every day when i go when i go to the store and i go to work i go to the gym and i go to other stores all while you sit at home i assume drinking some of us are actually putting the work in at super target putting the work in at home goods marshals putting the work in at the other super target off altamir you okay so there's a super target you said super target so there's like you got your super targets and you got your super targets. That's on the wrong side of Fort Worth. There's two types of targets. There's two types of targets. You got your supers and your supers.

Yeah. Yeah. And super target. They be having all types of fucking, they got Georgia. So what? Goodbye. types of fucking they got georgia what goodbye