Pendejo Time - The Lick Line Vol. 1

Episode Date: August 6, 2026

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Hello. Welcome to the show, and we've got, we announced it on Monday to the Patreon's and to Discord, but we will now be announcing it to the entire free Pado Time audience, to the entire Pado Time audience via Spotify and Apple Music and Amazon sounds. You want everybody to have access to the voicemail thing? Yeah, I'm going to give the whole number out. I wish I not. Well, because I have to go through all. Yeah, I forget. Yeah, yeah, that's true. I mean, you know, maybe it is just a subscriber thing. You know, maybe this is a teaser. Maybe. I don't know. Yeah, it's probably best that it's not public. I did put it on Discord. It's fine. I mean, it's fine for it to be semi-public. You know what I mean? Okay, yeah, that's fine.

Yeah, that's fine. Okay. Anyway, guys, the lick line is now live. And what the lick line is is a lick line. The lick line is where you can come on to talk about, you know, a fat guy that you work with who you think might be a pedophile, a roommate that you want to kill. That's what he called. Yeah, that's what he called. He called into his own show.

And next that you want to rag on, maybe a little bit of gossip, maybe a little bit of venting. so we downloaded quite a few because the lick line just opened up a Monday Thomas sorted through some If you called and your in your voicemail Did not make it on the lick line It is because you're not a good person Some of these

I will say some of you guys had some Funny ones What I'll say for the future 90 seconds Is let's try and Rehearse a little bit before you get in the line And I mean that in the best way I know that's rich coming from me.

Yeah, yeah. But let's just kind of think about. Also, if you say some really personal information. Understand that. At least one of you guys said your full legal name in the voicemail. And then after you send the voicemail, I don't know if that's something you want out there. And one of these, the guy asked to take out his name. Spoiler alert.

I did not. I didn't do it either. Yeah. And we're going to play your name, man. Yeah, we're going to, sorry, I can't do anything. That's tough business. We're listening to these live. I want to make that clear.

This is not like I'm editing in post. We have not listened to these. Well, I mean, I have at least combed through transfer. You combed through. I haven't listened to them. So without further ado, we're going to do the first edition of the lick line, which I guess, yeah, will probably only be available for subscribers to keep the riffraff out. There's really no way for me to know who's sitting there.

me the voicemail. But for now, how about we don't, how about we wait until we have another prompt? Yeah, okay. For that, let's wait until we have another prompt because I'm still getting voicemails from you guys. As we speak. Yeah. All right. It's not a thing where it's going through, the thing where I get an email every time.

I saw that one guy was like in the Discord, I think it said like, oh, nobody answered. And it's like, yeah, I'm not going to talk to you on the phone. Like, this is a hot. this is a hotline. Like this is, this is not like a... Anyway. Anyway.

Let's get down to... Nitty gritty here. Brass tax. Okay, here we go. This is... I think actually, I can't sit in... I think this is his guy's phone number. I do this.

Okay. Voice mail number one. Let me make sure that everything is above board. Turn the volume down a little bit. So I'm not dealing with it later. And there might be a couple kinks this time around. We'll smooth it out as we go. Now, you may be...

Hey, Deo, how you doing? Is Jeff? I'm a liquor from the East Coast. Oh, fuck. Oh, this is what I wanted to say. All right. I actually tried to tell, I tried to tell Drin on this one time on like a hotline thing. And I kind of get why they didn't mention it or talk about it.

They didn't have to tell somebody. I didn't tell somebody with it, right? So there's this girl, right? There's this like only fan's girl from like 10 years ago, right? Her name's a 420 weed slut. Maybe you're aware of her. Maybe you're aware of her because she was embroiled in the fucking Hunter Biden shit. But wait.

You just wait. Wait now. She was on an episode of like Red Scare, right? In like 2018, 2019, like talking about her only fans and shit. You know, I'm a little pervert or whatever. I needed to see, right? So I subscribed her only fans. and looking at the videos and stuff.

And, like, I see a video of cigarette sex, right? Sex, cigarette smoking. I don't know. Interesting. Sure. Like, a dude smoking cigarettes. She smoking cigarettes. They're fucking each other and stuff.

It's this guy in, like, 40s, 50s, kind of a gut, kind of a beard, curly, like, gray-brown hair. Didn't really think much of it. Didn't, you know, beat my hog tour. whatever. Okay. But as I'm kind of like synthesizing what's happening and stuff and she comes in the news, Zoe Keston, for like knowing Hunter Biden and stuff, I started to realize

that was Hunter Biden smoking cigarettes and fucking that girl. I saw a video of the president's son having cigarette checks with a cigarette woman. And that's fucking wild, dude. And what I want to know is anybody else? Did anybody else see this stuff? Anyway, I love you guys. You guys are great.

Didn't deep out my first name in the beginning? I don't know. Whatever. I love you. Love you. I love you, too. So the reason why I included this one is I really like the phrase cigarette woman. Yeah, that's a great one.

And also, I'm not going to lie. The twist at the end did tie it all together. For the first minute and a half, I thought that this guy was just going to be like, hey, guys, I watched porno. and that's that's it I would include that too if a guy said I watched porno please don't include my name

I'd say, oh yes sir this is going up for free by the way for like the first minute and a half I was like this guy's just talking about how he subscribed to girls old fan of his jack off which is funny

to just be a supporter of the community of the sex work community and just watch the videos with no toad tugging yeah all right that not you out of okay out of one out of five licks what would you give that story

the twist The twist gives it a little bit for me I'm going to go I'm going to go three licks What we're lucky with Is none of our listeners Are active listeners

So you can say a woman's full name Yeah Yeah So my apologies to the woman mentioned I won't say the name already And I don't think anybody else does And I respect your hustle This is not us making fun of you

No. This is, you clearly are much smarter than the guy who sent this in. Yep. And you had sex with a hundred. Um, I thank you for coming forward with your story. You are a victim of something else. Three out of, um, something earlier happened to you. Yeah, something happened to you.

You, you were amazing, you're an amazing perfect creature. All right. Let's get on to our next segment. Yeah. What was your rating of him of his, of his, of how many licks does he get? I gave him three. You know, I originally was, I'm going to give him four licks because that's, because that's something that if you came up to me after a show and you said that to me, I'd go, okay, yeah, that's pretty cool. Yeah.

And I would think about it after. Okay, I see that. That's fair. That's fair. I think I go three licks because I think you could have, you could have gotten to the Hunter Biden part a little bit. Like go three and a half looks like I would, but what's a half like a kiss? Like a, yeah, like it's a, yeah, yeah. Like a, like a, like a, like a peck.

I would say, get to the part. I don't need to hear that you watched her videos and didn't jack off. You could have shaved off like a 15 second on that. That's okay. It's okay. This is first round. I know. This is first, this is first round.

These are the pioneers. Yeah. These are, honestly, you know what? Moving forward and I'll change. This is the first ever. Pendejo Lickline. Yeah, yeah. So this guy sent this in anonymously, right, but he did give his name and said,

please don't put my name. And then we put it at the beginning of the episode. In about 10 minutes, nobody's going to be listening to the show anymore. So this is really groundbreaking for this guy's family. Let's go on to the next one. Yes, let's do that. I also need to open up the ad read, which will be for later. The audience was pretty nervous because they've only heard about six or...

Seven ads have so far in the episode. Everybody gets five licks from now on because you're all the first round draft pick pioneers. Yeah, first round draft lick. One, two, three, four, five. And the first lick goes to... Booby. Licker. All right, here's the next one.

This is Drew in Texas, and I have a story about an... insane person. So this guy that used to show up at my job, he was, you know, I'm a guy who works at the store, by the way. And this dude was my co-workers' schizophrenic brother,

and he would routinely take bottles, cans of starter fluid, ether, off of the shelf to clean the toilet after he'd use it because he was convinced that the bugs were coming out of him and contaminating the toilet seat. But,

But one night I refused to refund him on a pack of cigarettes. He already smoked two cigarettes out of. And he told me, in no uncertain terms, human meat does not belong in a taco. And I thought that was weird. And I asked my coworker the next night, what does that mean? And she said, oh, he thinks you're a cannibal now. And so I didn't like that. And a few weeks later, he was arrested for,

waving a knife in the middle of traffic. So, uh, I don't know. That's, I guess he could have stabbed me. Instead, he stabbed the car. So anyway, uh, la-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-la. Uh, okay, so right off the bat, shitting and then spraying starter fluid and brake cleaner both into the toilet at the same time is one of the funniest things that I could think to do after you take shit.

Like bringing those two cans of those things in a lot of, the toilet and bring them like i got to get the bugs out of my poop there's only two things that i could use for this is starter fluid and brake cleaner so um and drew thank you for consistently buying merch also oh yeah yeah yeah yeah i know because um i know everything um thank you that was that was very good and that's a classic that's what we want to hear yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah want to hear um there's nothing that you need to take back there it's nothing that you need to take back there. It's, you know, it doesn't, you know, not too personal.

We don't really have to feel bad for you. Yeah. That was great. Yeah. Let's give him five licks. Yeah, five licks. Offward. And I'm.

I don't. And then also, if you're schizophrenic, that's okay. That's how God made you. And you're going to be okay. Never mind. Here we go. Next one. We're coming for you.

Yeah. I was going to tell a story, but I thought about it. It's not that good. So love Pandeo Time, though. Good stuff. Thanks, man. Good stuff. Hope you're doing pretty good.

I wanted to include this one. Because it really does capture the spirit of what we do here. Padeo Time Industries. The people we bring in. I thought that was me. first time I listen to

it does sound like you a lot and also that something always come up to me after the show is talking exactly like you

which is a little bit off putting to me yeah they'll be like yeah it's harder than dick out here

oh yeah yeah the dog's ass man that show fucked me in the ass yeah yeah yeah yeah

and that's fine to do but it's nice to encounter a guy who's just like me has lost the ability to speak

completely gone Yeah, been gone along. It's over completely. And that's what we like to, that's what I like to be around. So thank you. I'm going to give you five licks for, now nobody else do that. I want to say that. Nobody else do that.

This has been done now. Yeah, yeah. So don't do that. But this needed to be out there. Great start. Five licks. Five licks. I don't know.

Um, um, um, um, um, um, I don't know. Five licks on that. And, uh, very funny to me to do a call in. on a call-in episode and to have absolutely nothing to say. Very classic Thomas as well. So, yeah, five licks. Let's move on. Hey, so I'm talking about one of the guys I used to train with that Jiu-Gitsu.

I remember he gave me a bunch of shit for wearing a Chapo Trap House shirt. But then he came out. He was trying to groom a female white belt. Got kicked out of that gym, moved to another gym in town, and then also proceeded to get arrested for trying to have sex with a child. So anytime I think about that guy, I can't help but laugh because he was giving me shit about wearing a chop-o shirt. So fuck that guy. One thing that I like here is, I do think it's morally, so, okay, is it morally better to groom a younger black belt or an older white belt?

I feel like I'm having a Norm McDonald moment A 14 year old white belt girl Can't defend herself Against your wiles at all Right

Yeah yeah In some ways A 12 year old black belt girl Is That's worse right Mm-hmm But in some ways Well

At least she has a chance You know what I mean Right Also this is one of those Like Norms in the car with Jerry and you know, or they're in that, there's that podcast, you know,

it's like with the Bill Cosby thing, you know, the worst part's the hypocrisy. And Norm goes, really? I thought it was the rape. It's like this guy's biggest grievances being made fun of from wearing a Chapo shirt. And it's like, no, I think the big thing in the story is is that it was the rape.

I think, I know that you, also, I want to make something clear as a combat sports guy, if you're wearing a Chapo Trapp House shirt to a Jiu-Jitsu gym, You're kind of asking for it. It's not really a place where you can be openly. It might be one of the only places where you can get canceled for being woke. And that's going to be, Thomas just stood up and walked away. Did not like what I have to say on that.

But that is A-OK. What the fuck? I'm not playing that. Do you guys hear that? I do not know where that music is coming from. Okay, stopped. Anyway, yeah. We'll move on.

We won't wait for Thomas on this. But I will say thank you for submitting. No pun intended. And I'll give you five licks. And I'll next caller. Hey, Thomas. I've been subscribed to the show for about six months. And I've been subscribed to the show about six months.

And you need to fix the audio mixing because he's too quiet and I work outside and oftentimes when you're talking on quiet I can't even like hear what you're saying and

there's more of a problem with Thomas. Jake's more loud. Sometimes Jake too loud because I'll turn it up I'll turn me way up thinking you know what I mean? Thomas is going to keep talking and then Jake laugh loud as loud

and I really hurt my ears. So if you could, like, find a, like, a medium and volume-wise, that would be good. Thank you. I wanted one that we could ignore as well. Yeah, no.

One lick. I mean, I'm... Uh... What a motherfucker is? Uh, just come to say, I'm trying new things tonight with my mouth, my body and my heart, my mind, and my soul.

let it take me to new heist new places uncharted territories unexplored parts of my regions and yeah that's pretty much all I got going on right now Jack you want to say anything to the phone number you can't be saying that man

all right Godspeed white boys okay so it sounds like you're having gay sex with a dude in your house and you guys are touching on each other and I have no problem with that whatsoever um You didn't recognize that? No, who is that?

This Plank fan. Oh, yeah, I don't, no, I didn't recognize that. I didn't. Plank had somebody in his house. That's a CIA front cover house. He has a slave. Oh, he's a slave. He's a nice, he's a nice, joke.

He's a nice slave. Okay, thank you, Plank for that. I am, I am, I am, I am, I am, five licks for you. We've got two more, and they're pretty long ones. So we're going to see how this goes. We're going to listen to the whole thing live. I have not listened to these. Hey, Pendejos, Jacob Thomas.

I tried this before, and I went too long, so I'm going to try and keep this really concise. My name's Logan McNasty on the Discord. I'm going to tell you about a story. I killed a guy with my words at work. So I used to work in a warehouse for this toy company in Ohio. It sucked so bad. I was in shipping and receiving, so I'd load trucks and unload trucks. whatever.

Okay. One time I was going to the bathroom, in the office bathroom, like where the truckers would come in, so, like, you'd sometimes see a trucker in there using the bathroom. And there's this one dude that I fucking hated. I forget his name, but he was a fat, like, just dumbass. And one time I'm in the bathroom, I'm peeing, and then there's this random trucker next to me, and he's got, like, a turban on, whatever. and this guy comes in on FaceTime with his like girlfriend or wife or something

and he sees the guy with the turban and proceeds to go thank you come again and just start like doing that voice like saying comments I'm like man what the fuck and it was hot that day I'd been loading trucks all day so I was just in a very irritable mood so he did that and then he goes he sits down he starts to he's like oh his girlfriend's like what are you doing He's like, I'm about to take a shit. Papa Titty, baby, let me see it. And I was like, dude, fuck this guy. And I was just so annoyed by him, just so furious that he was making me so angry.

I remember getting home and I was telling my girlfriend. I was running to my girlfriend about it. Like, fuck this guy. Like, it just was so crazy to me that he could just be in there and just be that racist and just make fun of this guy to his face for some reason. And it was pissing me off. And I was like, things like that should just fucking kill him. Like, I hope he dies. It'd be crazy. Like, I just, like, people like that should genuinely kill themselves, and I fully believe that. I went to work the next day, and everyone seemed kind of somber. Turned out that dude fucking OD'd the night I told my girlfriend that he should kill himself. So I kind of willed it into existence. He killed himself by ODing. So, yeah, it's a fun story. Sorry for the last part, it went long. But yeah.

Big fan of the show. Thanks for listening. Love you. It is funny to basically, again, just make an enemy out of a fat guy that sucks. And then I do this all the time where I go, man, that guy really should kill himself. But no, I've never gotten lucky. I've never fired from the hip and hit it. You know what I mean?

Hit one. Never happened from me. But, yeah, may that guy rest in piss. Thomas, anything you want to add to that one? No, it was a good story. And also, you weren't. It was just a lot of details to pack in there. It wasn't long winded.

No, you got it. Yeah, I'm sorry to hear that guy died, but happy to hear you have a kind of a power? No, there's always somebody at work who needs to die. That's 100% true. There's always at least one guy at work that should be dead that has to die. And he usually does end up injured or dead in some way. Okay, final caller. We're about like 20 minutes in.

That's okay. we can do the rest of the show normal style. So let's see what we got here. Best for last. Hopefully, I have no idea. It could suck Dick. What's up, players? I had a roommate

two years back in college, if you can believe it. And I was always trying. I'm sorry, I got to pause. I had a roommate back in college if you could believe it. Hey, dude, My truck had tires on it if you could If you could believe you went to college

Oh, maybe I don't know this guy I assume everybody's a genius Not everybody grows up white color like you Jake Not everybody grows up with a silver spoon Like you I'm sorry buddy to cut you off

Let's hear it again All kinds of You know You know Little life hacks and stuff But at the same time He was very unhygienic unconcerned with appearance

only cared about these stupid little hacks that somehow grant him more efficiency within his lifestyle except the guy who goes to the gym and

it's real strong but his body looks like shit he's all bloated because he's eating stupid fucking food all the time from the internet never a right-wing guy but still eating stupid food from the internet. I digress. I came home one day and I opened the freezer to get some ice cubes as one does. And on top of my big, like, old-fashioned style ice cube trays, on top of my big ice chunks,

he had all his jeans and socks and underwear. And they were fucking frozen. And knocked on his room and I said, hey, buddy, the fuck are you doing with your shit on top of my food? And he was like, oh, I read on the internet that I can free stuff instead of using the washing machine. It'll be more energy efficient, budget efficient. You know, I'm actually doing you a favor. I, you know, I say, get these the fuck out of here. like, yeah.

I just thought that was really audacious, and I thought you guys might appreciate the tale of an individual who's fallen this far and his own, like, internal measm that he freezes his socks and underwear and jeans on top of my ice cubes and ice creams. Have a great one, guys. I'm excited for the Seattle Day. Bye-bye. So that's ending on a pretty good note for the segment because

I've never heard of anybody doing that And I don't know how I would respond If I open up my freezer and there was like stinky gym clothes in there I'm pretty sure I would just like let the chopper sing in the apartment Just me personally I don't I don't know how I That is I don't even think I've heard like Andrew Heuberman I don't know where he picked that up

He's got to be on some like weird schizo YouTube shit I've never heard any of the like Chris Williamson guys or diary of a CEO or whoever the other fucking retards are. It would be like, yeah, you can put your clothes in the freezer so they're cleaner. Are you looking at it in your phone pictures of guys' clothes? No, I was looking at Bert Kreischer's dick print. To be completely honest. I was looking at a video of him and some running shorts. What's his dick print like?

His penis looks huge. I don't know if there's something in there. but it looked like it looked big soft soft yeah I'm wondering if you put something

in the pants that does seem curve to it too so it wasn't like a TV remote like it wasn't super obvious okay but this was for Diplos run club to be honest

and at first you see Wiz Khalifa's penis and it's obviously probably his run shorts and to be honest it was regular size wow

Well, the boldness of that I appreciated, but at the same time I did not wish to see it. Right, right. And then Bert's was next, and he had a big bottle of porosos with him. You could also see his penis. Yeah. And I'm going to... Yeah, go ahead and send me that. Diploves was also...

Let Daddy get a look at the... at Bert's bundle. Bert Crisher penis. Gonna Google that on my phone. Gonna Google that on my phone and look at it. Bert Chrysher, Bert Crisher, Burkresher penis looking at it on my phone.

Okay, so I'll just show it to you on the screen. I'm not going to get the full depth and fucking volume of the fucking of the shit. Let me look at it on my own. Wiscolife is a decent size too. Everybody, everybody Google Burkrash your penis on your phone and you can join it on the fun while you're at home.

I don't think this is Burr Crusher's real penis. Let me check a look at this. Go to home. Saw this on my ceiling? Oh, it's a huge bug. What the fuck? Images. Look at Diplo's Twitter.

Oh, look at Diplos Twitter? Yeah, it's for Diplos' run club. Guys, check this out while you're watching. I hate Diplo. I want to beat the fuck out of Diplo. I really don't like that guy. I hope he kills himself. Okay.

So suddenly we're answering. anti-diplo. You know he's coming on the show next week and he's doing some horrible ad read. Okay, hold on a goddamn second. Yeah, that's got to be fake. That's got to be fake. Let's check out

Wiz's pipe. That looks like a normal size pipe for a really tall black guy. Yeah, he's fake. He's fake. Wiskleaf is like six, like six. Okay, yeah, this is fake because look at the middle part of the penis.

It's like kinked. So unless he's got like a rubber band around his shit, like a fucking... Oh, yeah, he's... Wyscliffe is about 6'4. Like he's... Like he's... You put a nice piece of twine. 1.75.

Yeah, he's doing Wai Thai. He's like really good. He like hangs out in Thailand a lot and does him white tie. Yeah. Well, I don't really fucking care if a guy who doesn't have to have a job as good at martial arts. He hasn't needed to have a job in like 20 years. I know. It's kind of crazy. Yeah, if I didn't have a job, I would fucking be jacked.

I say this as a, I'm probably one of the top Wiz Khalifa listeners in the world. Probably. I listen to a lot. I listen to them on the, probably every day. There's not a lot of people doing that who are not in rehab. Speaking of penises and speaking of making, speaking of penises and having them be at the fucking absolute peak of their. penile protrusion ad read

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most guys sit on it longer than they should. Very funny to put in an ad about a needy pill. Most guys sit on it. To keep it taped to their taint for much longer than they should. Most guys sit on it

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End of ad read. Do not take this product if you're already thinking about killing your wife. Do not take this product if your penis is already big and hard and got a vein in it and it's fucking pink too and it just looks great, honestly. I have a vein in it.

What do you think should just be smooth? You got all mine taken out. You got out of your veins? It's just smooth. Like a galvanine steel tube. I have arteries in my penis. Yeah, I mean, everybody does.

Wait. Or those are just veins. Do you have, are there penile arteries? It's about which way the blood is going. My penis is only made of arteries.

If I cut myself shaving, I'll pass away. Yeah, you know, guys do bleed out when they get castrated unless they cauterize the wound. I know that because

that's not important. But penis, penis cut. by the way. Pretty good. I got bored the other day and I was just like, man, this shit looks stuff. They don't even work too good and it looks like shit.

So I just took some garden cheers to it. We'd like to thank everybody who called into the lick line. And we will be maybe putting the number out. We'll see what we think. But I think guys for calling in, that was a lot of fun. We might change. We can also, we might end up like changing the number every once in a while Yeah, changing the format.

We're playing around with new stuff. Right now, if you send something between now and the next prompt or whatever, I'm going to probably not put it on the show just because, to be honest, that would create a lot of extra work for me and work causes a lot of stress. Yeah, one of the things that I've noticed about Thomas is that he likes having other. he likes projects and he likes you know kind of like doing the projects and stuff you know what I mean

yeah I've been enjoying projects lately I am I am working on something I'm working on a few things right now project wise but if I could show you what was actually on paper blow you away that would be pretty rough you uh you got any video episodes planned I've got so many

And you wouldn't believe the outlines I have of those video episodes? The guests. The guests. Fucking asshole. That's the fucking equipment I'm bringing in right now. The sound design. I've got Christopher Nolan. I think we're going to do a video episode in IMAX.

Dude, that would be so funny. The first podcast video episode in IMAX. Dude, my feet would look fucking pretty. Dude, my feet would look fucking pristine. Oh, by the way, if you've been complaining that there are not as many feet in the video episodes, you need to get your life together. You need to tell me what you want. I'm an entertainer. First, you don't like the feet, then you do like the feet.

I've got very pretty feet. They're big and they're flat. So if you want a picture of those, you can have Vimomi $150 and I will send you pictures of my feet. There's no need for a picture because now you've shown them on video for hours. No, but personalized. I'll write your name on the bottom of my shit, like fucking toy story. You know what I mean? Yeah.

I don't care. you know, maybe else to... Who want that. From you. Nah, this is for anybody. Guys, girls, dogs. I used to joke around with stuff like that on the internet. Then old guys would just message me like, hey, I'm going to rape you.

I actually don't like this at all. When I was like 19, I post like a picture of my ass. And I'd be like, ha-ha. Yeah. I'd be like, I'm going to... I'm going to... This is where your parents live. If next time you visit them, I'm going to...

I'm going to fuck you. and your button to come in you. Yeah, yeah. I actually don't want that, so I guess that's like normal. I don't want to be raped by an old man, so I guess I'll chill out a little bit. Even if I did get raped by an old man,

I wouldn't want to be told in advance because then I'm going to be stressed out about it. Yeah, also, that means he overpowered you, tricked you, or rolled up on you. Like, you know, if he tells you I'm an old man and I'm going to rape you, it's actually kind of, it's not your fault, but, like, you should be more prepared.

You know what I mean? Like, you, because, what I would do to even prepare for that. I would probably start carrying a pocket knife. No, I'm bringing the heater with me everywhere. You know what I mean? I'm bringing the fucking... No.

I'm going to pull on every guy over 50 years old. I don't want to shoot a guy point blank in the ribs. I would love to. If an old guy's coming, sprinting at you wearing some... I would lose my hearing, then I can't podcast. You would... Your hearing would be fine.

If it's indoors? No, it's probably outside. Where are you indoors where, like, an old man would try to fucking... I'm in a velvet-coated room and I'm shackled to a love-shaped bed, heart-shaped bed. Yeah. Yeah.

And I'm all waxed and oiled up in the sky. You're just fucking going ham on me and I'm like, what the hell? Hold on a minute. Get the hell out of me. Hey, get, hey, buddy, get the hell out of me, dude. Get your big fat dick the hell out of my body. Bastard.

You old, you old, you old fucking galus. You old fucking galus. Get your big ass dig out of me this instant. Yeah. No, I think knife would do. I mean, now here's what really would suck. Is if they had taken a, say, if they took a self-defense class at the YMCA, they disarm you, now you're getting raped at knife point.

Mm-hmm. And that's where things, you know, are not ideal. Disarmed you from your knife? What I would do in that situation is I would slice my own carotid artery using the knife. And now they are, in the same. a lot deeper of shit than they originally were. Killing yourself in front of them is not gonna, you know what I mean? That's not gonna

like make them go to jail or anything. Nope. It's a mental thing. Oh, you're the psychological warfare. The hauntor. Yeah. You're not haunted. You've been, you've just been haunted. Welcome to the haunting show.

And my ass doesn't have any blood left in it. So it's like raisins, two raisins now. Impossible to fuck two raisins. With a little tight hole in the middle. My ass is that many blood. My hole would get way tighter from all the blood being gone. Yeah, probably. The muscles would constrict.

Yeah. Maybe it would pinch their pecker clean off. It pinch their pecker clean off. Yeah. I had a friend that was like doing some acting when I was doing some acting, and he was in that movie, Teeth, where the girl has teeth in her vagina, and it bites the guy's pecker off. Yeah.

at the same theater that I was acting. That's weird. I haven't seen him in other movies. Most of the people in teeth, that was a big break. That's a big, yeah. Oh, man. You know what?

I like, I think maybe, I would like to be in another play, but like, you got a lot of people here. I'm an actor. Yeah, you are an actor, though. You've been acting more.

But it's just funny. And it's like, well, what have you? you've been in it's like the big fat frog first and foremost well yes first and foremost but um well I've been in several things that about

100 people have seen that were good yeah they were good they were done very well yeah um we'll get there yeah you'll be awesome to be I thought about this recently it would be amazing to be famous and a lot of money and like

every car we've ever wanted and can give her I mean, at least for me, I could maybe help get my mom a house, you know. Yeah, I was thinking about maybe I... I don't know that, you know. Your parents' house is paid off, ain't it? Yeah, it's probably fine. Yeah, they live in a house already.

What happened to your dad's house in Fort Worth? After I was there, it needed some... Repairs? A little TLC. That's now. I did not raise its value. No. Fuck.

I remember when you were like... It turned out that all the wiring was basically falling apart inside, which was not my doing. That was Times doing. Oh, okay. The house was like 100 years old. Oh. I got a facelift. It looked newer.

Well, the back half of it was newer and the back half of it was built like fucking shit. Oh, I see what you mean. Okay. There was a... My dad ripped out the carpet in one of the back rooms. and there was a big hole in the floor full of trash that they just laid the carpet over. Yeah, I remember you telling me that...

And the closet was built on top of the carpet. Yeah, you said you had that crawl space that, like, you'd hear noises in all the time when you were, when you first moved in, there was, like, that crawl space that you'd hear, like, scuttling and shit. Yeah, the crawl space was okay. Except for when the cats were living in there. Yeah.

And I accidentally trapped one in. and then I had to let it out and I felt really bad. Yeah. Any entities ever come out? I did have a woman once come and say that she believed the house was possessed

by her mother's spirit. Oh yeah, yeah. I remember you tell me about this. Yeah. And she asked if I ever felt a presence and I said, no, nothing. That's so funny. Don't even entertain her to make her feel good.

No, not a goddamn, not a fucking thing. We're not having this. You should have been like, yeah. Oh, you go ahead. Yeah, she's in there right now. You want to talk to her? She just sucked off me and all my friends. She's got a nice, tight ghost.

Yeah, your mom came back as a fucking whore. Yeah, she's been in there. She, we tried to have it as a, as an Airbnb and she sucked off a 15-year-old, so we had to stop doing it as an... She had to go to ghost jail. She's on trial for ghost pedophilia. She's 130, so it was a big deal. Huge deal, yeah.

Do you think it... Now, ghosts don't have the same kind of legal... Yeah, they're not real, so that's not really something to worry about. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I don't believe in ghosts, and when people are like, well, this thing happened to me when I was a kid, and I go, yeah, it didn't... No, it didn't. I'm sure a thing happened to you. when you're a kid, I don't doubt that.

Yeah, yeah, it didn't happen. Whatever, you're like, no, there was like an apparition. There's nothing wrong with hallucinating as a child. I did it quite often. Yeah, yeah. It means nothing. There's nothing wrong with dissociating to a different reality as a boy. It's completely normal.

Your memory should start on a birthday. Your memory, every, you know a man is well, put together when his memory starts at 10. Anything before that is kind of just, you know. I've been having fun, Thomas, doing my hair like the Bogdanovich old guys, where they have so much plastic surgery that they look. Oh, yeah. Yeah.

So what I've been doing is I've got this hair product, and I've been, like, walking out of the house, like, with this, like, bouffant. And then I've just been going to the store and being like, yeah, can I get, you know, can I get some six milligrams zins? And can I get this cliff bar? and no one really likes it or thinks it's funny, except for me. I showed my new barber a picture of Jeremy Allen White, and he was just disgusted with me.

It gave me a much shorter, different haircut. I love when you... He just cut off all my hair and said, he was like, how did your hair get this long? And it was like, not even shoulder length. It was just like I needed a haircut. Yeah, it was like medium length. I remember.

I was like, I got a haircut like six weeks ago. Yeah. It just grows fast. He's like, how fast? I was like, I, that's not, why are you mad? It's not, why are you mad at my locious locks? This is not a free haircut. It's not charity, motherfucker.

Yeah, it's called Friendly Barbershop. The opposite they're in. Yeah. More like, whatever, fuck. More like, next time I got to go to InBe Barbershop. I was reading a funny story about a midget that lived in a cave. A little person that lived in a cave. This is real.

If you guys don't know your abolitionist history, it was a character from the abolitionist movement. He was a, I think he was a Quaker, perhaps. His name was Benjamin Lay, and he was about four feet tall, and he hated slavery, like a lot. And he was kind of like a John Brown guy in the sense that he was like, God would never want us to enslave other people.

So he really pissed off the Quaker community. He lived in, and so they banished him to a cave. and, but he ended up liking the cave, so he stayed in the cave and lived in the cave for the rest of his life. Now, he would come out of his cave and be like, if you own a slave, you're an apostate, motherfucker, piece of shit. All God's, all God's creatures are to be loved and cared for and cherished. He was vegan, too. Way back in the this is the 1700s. He makes friends with Benjamin Franklin.

And Benjamin Franklin publishes his, publishes his book called, uh, publishes his book called, uh, all human beings who enslave others apostates to the Lord. And it was this like pamphlet that was going around. Early, early abolition, you know, much before the Civil War or Harper's Ferry, all that fun stuff. But then Benjamin Franklin betrays his friend and purchases two slaves. And Benjamin Lay lays into the guy and is like, you were my friend. You said you wouldn't purchase any guys. And you purchased two guys.

And Benjamin Franklin says, okay, I'll make you a deal. Once I'm dead, they can be. be free. And Benjamin Lay was like, that's not, you can't, that's literally slavery. Like, you dying and then granting them their freedom, like, while you're alive, what are they going to be doing? And Benjamin Franklin was like, you know, just, you know. And the, you know, the midget, the little person abolitionist was like, I don't know, man, I don't know if I fuck with you anymore. So it put a strain on their relationship. Anyway, there are a lot of funny parts of that story to me, but it is Benjamin Franklin, his concession to his friend, his moral concession was,

all right, I see you're making a great point. Once these slaves are no longer used to me because I'm worm food, they can be set free in my will. Hey, I see what you mean about slavery. It is fucked up, but I do like my sandwiches being made not by me. I've been Franklin, so I've got to go to France a lot to get some really syphilis infested poon-tang down in Mulan Rouge. Anyway, this is a funny historical story I wanted to tell. Because honestly, imagine you own slaves, and I don't support it. But imagine you own slaves, and then a four-foot guy comes out of a cave isn't like, no, you're a piece of your fucking shit, actually.

And you're like, go back in your fucking cave, goblin. And he's like, nah, dude, I can say whatever the fuck I want. I'm friends with Big Ben. Big Ben fucks with me heavy. He publishes my books. And you go back to, you know, own. human being and he goes back to his cave and he would come in town to just talk shit to all the slavers he'd be like you're a fucking piece of shit to be four foot tall and anti-slavery

and vegan in like 1740 honestly kind of a big actually woke one people like that was really it was that's woke that's proto woke like pro pro pro pro pro indigent european pro pro indo-european woke yeah dude being being a four feet tall disabled vegan who's anti-slavery in 1740 that must have been like like the first communist in like Mississippi you know what I mean like you just like just completely everybody around you is like

love owning guys the first communist in Mississippi was probably an enslaved person or like the son of one realistically yeah they probably independently came up with the principles like

dude we should like fucking band together and just like work for the furtherment of ourselves as a society. Yeah, we should control like what we make. I don't think that labor, this capital stuff, I don't think this is for me, you know. I don't think labor is for me. That's going to be my new thing. I'm no longer like a left-wing guy. I'm just anti-work.

I'm going to be one of those guys that publishes long screeds about how work is bad. and I wish I could do nothing all day. Even though pretty much do nothing all day. Did move up here. People are not doing anything up here. Yeah, I was going to actually, it's funny you say that. I've, I like, fuck my... Not necessarily like they're not willing to work, but like people...

Everybody's like laid off. I see, I don't understand. I know that New York has good like uninsurance, like unemployment insurance, like unemployment insurance, like unemployment bennies. But I feel like everybody that I see in New York is like, come with me. And it's like, yeah, those are like credit card girls or like daddy's money girls or like rich guys.

But then I see people who like are like, they're like in the neighborhood around where you live and it's like, you know, and they're like, yeah, unemployment day 22, played some fucking Fortnite, smoked hell of weed, went down to Battery Park and bought some more weed and drink beer in the park and did some kickflips.

And I'm like, how the fuck are you a four? coordinate out there. You're just making it work? Like, are you selling your boy butt? That's got doubt. A lot of people have a bunch of roommates and then also it's easy to find a gig stuff. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, when I didn't have a job, I was doing moving stuff on the weekends. And it didn't really pay my bills, but it helped my savings last in another couple months. Oh, yeah, yeah. I remember, yeah, I keep forgetting that you were like moving with Mike Racine for a little while.

Yeah, it was fun. It was, dude, he's a strong guy. Yeah, he looks big. He looks like he's got that like, you know how like white guys down here will get like wiry strong? I feel like his Italian, his full Italian blood, you get the gut and the power. You know what I mean? Like a lot of guys are just 1.45 their whole lives. You know what I mean? But they're strong as shit on the job site.

I feel like Mike's got the, you know, classic Italian guy built, big huge traps, big biceps. and then like, you know, the belly for lifting or whatever the fuck. Shout out, Mike Racine. You're handsome, and I want to eat strawberries out of your belly button. And thank you for, thank you for your help. Yeah, no. Yeah, it was always funny helping comics move because I'd be like, what do you do for work?

And they'd be like, oh, I'm a comic. And I'd be like, oh. Mm-hmm. I forgot you could make a living doing that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. One of those guys, Gene Marco? You help him move or something? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, that's, yeah, yeah. Yeah. I need Gene Marko, if you're listening to this. Give me, like, fucking, like, $15,000. That's all I asked for. Yeah, I helped kind of just throw away some stuff. I'll just take some modern furniture and leave it in a large Chinese dumpster. That's nice.

That's funny as fuck. Yeah, I Who's fucking Yeah, the back Guys came and fixed my back patio And then left all the broken glass Like where the dogs walk And me and Ashley both got glass

In our feet I called the fucking office And I was like Do you guys, are you guys employing Fucking men of ill repute To be like ghoul Cretans of the lowest order Or whatever I was bitching

And so they put it a maintenance request That just says sweep Glass From the yard But it's like in the grass So I don't know how they expect to get all the broken glass out unless they like. Shop back probably. Yeah, maybe.

But then they're going to shop back up probably some dog poop and a bunch of cigarette butts. So they can have fun, clean that out. I got blood on my foot. So fuck them and fuck their mammas too. Let me see what we got here. I thought maybe we could. Maybe I should mail you some hay. That might actually help.

Don't mail me. The cube is better. The cube. Okay. So I left the cube near the. near the dumpster. The cube is now in a different breezeway. I feel like the kids or somebody,

I went and took it and left it by the trash can, and then when I was walking back around, it's not an R breezeway. It's in a different breezeway. I'm not scared. That wouldn't happen if it was just in your apartment. I can. Yeah, I know that joke's very funny to you,

but again, it does make me mad, and I'm not going to put it in my apartment. I think maybe the kids, somebody's having fun with the cube. it in there. You just had it behind a locked door. And you have a spare bedroom, right? Yeah, I can make it the salt room. You can hang it up.

Hang up a 50 pound block of salt in the middle of the studio, my green room studio. Hey guys, what's up? My name's Jake. I'm working on the side project. It's called Salt Lick, 50 pound salt lick hanging from my ceiling. Hang it right above my head. Hanging right above my head. And I did not find a stud, so it's just straight dry wall. So anything can happen at any

moment. We're going to stream 24 hours a day until something horrible. RING speed run try and get this done before this Giant Block and Salt Falls and kills me. I've never played this game before. I suck it from software games. I literally suck so bad. It makes me to kill myself. My Wi-Fi is not very good right now.

Yeah. I'm not doing good either, by the way. I just want to let you all know. Yeah. I just got a thumbtack holding that up. So we got about 30 minutes max. Mm-hmm. Yeah. Dude, just like playing playing millennia fucking blade of whatever the fuck

and then just the goddamn salt lick like snaps my neck into toink oh baby I love you the way I was uh for inspiration the other night I was watching sped up videos of people playing the aisle

which is a game where you can be a dinosaur okay and it's like an open thing where other people are dinosaurs too and then you're all trying to eat each other and get bigger okay you can be different kinds of dinosaurs Cicirotops, T-Rex,

Alisaurus. There's something related to Teradactyl as well. You can also be a giant prehistoric crocodile. Oh shit, okay, very cool. But I'm not going to play that game. But I watch sped up

videos, people playing it to get the experience, and I said, all right, that's enough. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I do that. That's the only way I can assume video games now. I don't play them at all. But I'll read lore on them sometimes. Like I'll read like Red Dead

Red Dead Redemption lore but I'm not going to write around on a horse for two hours after work on the computer. You know what I mean? Yeah, 100%. Yeah. I've been watching Justin. I never could finish I never even did the first mission on Red Dead Red Dead Redemption because I wrote a horse

around for like three hours. It is. I'm so bad at video games. I just was riding a horse and I was like I've done this before. Are you talking? I've ridden a horse before. It's nice for a while. Yeah, yeah.

And then you start wanting to kill the horse. Yeah, you know, I had a dog for a while, and you start wanting to shoot the dog. And then you want to eat it. And then you want to eat it. And guys, what do you think about this? I've had kids for about 15 years now. And, yeah, I guess I'm getting pretty tired of not molest them. That's Jerry Seinfeld, not me.

My kids are getting close to 17. You know what that means? It means that I might start trying to have sex with them. I like that he and Larry David are both washed now. Yeah. Yeah. Because it lets us have an honest discussion, which is that I don't like it when people are like,

dude, Seinfeld. Jerry Seinfeld was never funny. and Seinfeld was all Larry David. Right, right, yeah, yeah. How about this? They're both just two guys. They're both two Jewish guys. Both two guys who like jokes.

Yeah, yeah. And, you know, sometimes you win, sometimes you lose. I didn't even try and watch Larry's new show. But it made me realize people were not trying to watch later seasons of curb. The last piece of... No, no, no, no. Unwatchable. First three are like...

It wasn't... It wasn't... It wasn't that Larry or Richard Lewis or any of those guys were bad. It was all the guest actors became people who grew up watching curb. Yeah. And they were just improv people who were visibly excited to be on curb. And they were doing the thing where they're getting mad...

They're getting... really mad at Larry to create this premise and they're like almost beaming to be the person who's angry who's throwing a hissy fit and Larry David and it's just not good

no it's just not good um J.B smooth very funny yeah J.B. Smooth. I'm a I'm a Davidhead

Dave Head. I love giving Dave Head. And on that note, thanks for listen to the show, everybody. Really appreciate it. Thanks for listen to the first episode of the Lick Line. We'll have more Lickline stuff in the future. We'll see if we ended up posting it on the main feed. If not, I think maybe I posted it on Twitter, actually.

Yeah, yeah, contact the lick line if you get that tweet in your feed. In about a week from now, I'll be in Orlando, Florida. So get your tickets. Like I mentioned last time, there's a handful left. I think last I checked, there is like a little bit less than 10 left. So come out and see me. I'll have the at Alex Underground Comedy Club Friday, August 14th at 10 p.m. I have the link by.

I'm going to be there with a friend of the show, very funny Owen Gallo. Follow him on Instagram at Tribal Sleeve. He's very funny. And then August 22nd, I'll be at the Valvita Room, opening up for motherfucking Billy Wayne Davis, very funny, very funny guy. And then September 11th, I'll be at the Green Room ATX doing their 9-11 show. I'll be hosting that all night. So I'll be there introducing the comedians and doing some stand-up at the end. Asking, ye shall receive, I am in contact with another Seattle venue.

But we do have a show confirmed New Orleans. It is a while in advance. So if you're in the South, we've actually not done a show in the South. It's not Texas. So this is our first Southern show. New Orleans, January 28th, two shows. I have to send the comedy club some stuff for them to put the links together. But be on the lookout for that, New Orleans.

It will be at Sports Drink, which is a comedy club in downtown New Orleans. So, yeah, January 28th, that's a Thursday, being on the look for that. We'll be doing two shows, seven and nine. I'll let you guys know when the tickets for that are up. It will be me and Thomas will be there with some local Louisiana legends, a.k.a. fucking marsh, hens and fucking scarecrow the fucker. Thomas, you got anything to plug? Um, no.

Okay. Awesome. Thank you guys for listening. Bye-bye.