Pendejo Time - The Life and Times of Smokey De La Truve

Episode Date: December 28, 2023

Let his life be a warning Support the Show.

Good morning, good evening, good afternoon, and we love you. We're back with Pendejo Time, the number one podcast in the world. In terms of metrics, fan bases, love, laughter given, smiles, and how many pancakes we can eat. How you doing, Jake? I just woke up from a nap. Wow. Didn't mean to nap that long. Really?

Yeah. How long was your nap, Jake? About an hour and a half, maybe. Yeah, that sounds about right. That's cool. I was actually working during that time i was doing cameos uh as little characters so that was my you know i was actually fucking you know earning my wage during that time you know trying to make a living for my family

yeah by using snapchat filters and stuff um doing voices, being silly guys and women. And women? Yeah. That probably comes naturally to you due to your feminine. Everybody says you have such a feminine mystique about you. Yeah. Every time I talk to anybody, they say Thomas has his energy is very, you have divine feminine energy. Yeah.

God is a woman. And yeah. And she. is a woman, and yeah. And she – I fucked her. Just kidding. You know, look. When you get older, Jake, when you get to be about my age, when you get to around 24, you'll know – I see things in people that they don't see in themselves.

You know what I mean? Okay. Yeah, for sure. For example, the other day I was on the train. I got off at the train station. The Texas train. Yeah, the Texas subway that runs. Look, I was on the train. I got off, and I actually saw a vagrant.

Okay. And I went over to this vagrant, and his coat was dusty. His hair was black and his skin was his skin was crusty like he was a crab almost. Okay, so he's crusty, dusty, black skinned.

No, he had black hair. Why did you assume the vagrant was black skinned to be completely honest man i misspoke i was going for the black hair the black skin just came out but that you think all homeless people i was assuming they were burn victims i wasn't trying to say anything about there that's horrible that you would say that but anyway yeah please disregard what jake just said because i it really was embarrassing to me what he said and i don't want to take you know i don't want to take i don't want to shy away from taking responsibility because i feel like i could have i could have schooled him better as a fellow white man but anyway so this uh vagrant you know some

some type of crackhead probably he uh he was dusty and crusty and musty and i came over to him and i put my put my thumbs on his head forehead and i put my the other four fingers on each side on his temples okay cupped like i was trying to get a scoop of water from the fountain with my hands and i looked into his eyes and I said, your name is Joseph, isn't it? And he looked up at me and he had spectacles on her. Remember, they were wire framed, very thick. He could have used LASIK, but he probably knew better because if you get LASIK, then you get cataracts later.

You can't get cataracts removed. Anyway, that's probably why. Then you get cataracts later, you can't get cataracts removed. Anyway. Yeah, yeah, for sure. That's probably why. Homeless guys just, yeah, that's stuff they think about. He said, yes, my name is Joseph. And I said, you're a billionaire, aren't you? And he chuckled for a second, and he opened a mouth full of diamond teeth.

Pure diamond. And it was all one tooth. one tooth and it's like a diamond mouth guard diamond mouth he opened his diamond mouth and his breath smelled amazing like pickles and he said to me you're the first person i've been sitting here for 20 minutes and you're the first person that's come up to me and guess that i was a billionaire yeah and i said you know how i knew and he said why i said because you um i said uh because of your um stature so you were a man of stature and he said whoa how did you guess my stature so well and i said because i'm a man of high regard and i highly regarded your stature and that's how i knew you were a billionaire and he shook my hand and then as i turned away you know i shook his hand just to shake a billionaire's hand haven't you always wanted to as i turned away i turned away i looked into my driving glove

and i see a big wad of cash and i turned to him and i say sir you accidentally left a big wad of cash in my driving glove he said oh i don't carry cash that must be yours and i said joseph don't play coy with me don't don't play. We're just two men of stature. Two ships in the night. Two men of stature, you know? Yeah. And he said, let me tell you the billionaire's poem. I said, all right.

He said, a billion dollars every night keeps away the fleas and mites. But a given thousand every day keeps your hair from turning gray. And a kept one million for every week keeps your dollars from staying sleek. So,

a given million with every hour keeps you strong just like a flower. And he said, that's a billionaire's poem i said thank you so much joseph and so what i did was i bought myself a brand new fucking sick ass lambo lamborghini galardo and i've been fucking driving it everywhere i've been killing people with it what you've been up to jake um on this wonderful thursday yeah beautiful thursday thursday the 28th i um well that's just it's incredible you guys you find yourself in such uh like incredible like capers and different types of situations.

It's cool that you just clocked a fake homeless billionaire just waiting for a smart, observing young man like yourself to give you, I'm guessing if you went out and bought a Gallardo, that he just handed you in one hand, with one hand of cash, gave you roughly a quarter million to $300,000 in your driving glove. Yeah. Read you a poem, and then you just left him there to go to the Lamborghini dealership, which there's so many where you're at. There's one on every block.

Yeah. It's funny. There's one right next to the train station. I bet he planned it like that. Yeah, I'm taking the train station to a Lamborghini dealership in Fort Worth. Stopping on Lamborghini Avenue. Up next, Ferrari Court. Ferrari up next, Pussy Central.

Yeah, I don't know. I haven't done much today. Ferrari Court. Ferrari Appnex Pussy Central. Getting put. I, yeah, I don't know. I haven't done much today. I went to Five Below. I went to Five Below, do some grocery shopping. I looked at a lot of cool made in a slave factory style stuff for the nieces and nephews. And there was a group of guys out there asking for money for some sort of law enforcement against drug abuse charity but they weren't cops they

looked like uh did you did they ever do psas at your school where like a guy who clearly just recently stopped doing heroin would come to the school and be like yo this shit ain't easy being a fucking junkie you gotta fucking go outside and you got a wheeling deal did they ever do that type of stuff they would have dare come to our school but every now and then they'd have like a recovery like an addict that would come and be like, you don't want this life. They were always wiggers for some reason. Yeah, they just had people who did jump rope and stuff, mostly.

But that might not have been the case. It's funny you mention that. We had something called the High Impact Squad. And they would come and do trampoline slam dunks for our test scores. If we did good on our tests, guys in bodysuits, you know what I'm talking about? Like the fucking green and the black super tight bodysuit

with superhero masks would come and do front flips off trampolines. Also, usually you could tell of the wigger variety just because their microphones would be on. You couldn't see their face, but you know the voice. It's not. Yeah. You know what I'm talking about? Yeah. Y'all did good as hell on a reading test, so I'm going to do a front flip and slam dunk this basketball.

Let me show y'all soon. Yeah. Yes. I am about to show y'all soon. Y'all about to see a real cool maneuver. Like guys with their voices are so deep compared to their body that their chest caves in every time they talk. Aye.

Yeah. I'm going to spit some truth to y'all. Y'all might think smoking a cigarette is cool. Problem here. Problem here, it ain't. Y'all mind if I keep it 100 with y'all? I'm going to be real for a second. My name's Tony Spaghetti.

Tony Spaghetti, that was the name the crit gave me. I grew up on the wrong side of the train track. Clearly, these guys did not grow up on any certain side of the train. My name's Tony Spaghetti. I was a rolling 60 crit. I grew up on the wrong side of the train track. And I'm telling y'all not to smoke wet and to stay in school. Yeah, my name Roof.

They used to call me that because I was roofless. If I'm being real with y'all, there's a lot of stuff on the other side. You ain't trying to see. Yeah. So y'all keep it playing. Y'all keep staying in school. Keep looking at y'all books. Yeah, y'all

think some of y'all I see with your hoodie on and your headphone in, y'all going to be where I was at. Y'all going to in a damn back of the damn pickup truck pulling copper wire with your teeth just trying trying to get a little bit something trying to get trying to get a little bit of money for you scratch for your store if you think you finna get out of here, boy, you dead wrong for that.

Because I'm telling you right now, you ain't wanting no trouble with no law. I remember my first time getting locked up, I was 13. 13, yeah. 13 years young. I got, they slammed me against the wall. Yeah, they took my- And I said, they took my fingers off. A lot of guys think they can live the life that Tony Spaghetti lived.

Problem here, they don't understand what it take to make the spaghetti. Look. Look, I ain't trying to tell y'all nothing that ain't true. If you want to be a hustler, a baller, any of that stuff, you stay in school, you start reading a book. You look at that book, ain't nothing bad gonna happen. But as soon as you turn the street, everything going south. Y'all sell them,

11, 14, 9, 55, 29, 11, 12, 5, whatever y'all age here, y'all remember one thing. 20 or 9 11 5

Whatever y'all age here Y'all remember one thing I thought I was gonna be One of the starship troopers As it turned out The only thing you get out of a life of like Tony Spaghetti Is loneliness and abuse you start playing with that air on boy you're gonna end up in an ambulance i'll tell you right now ambulance

they would have the sheriff i don't know if it was the sheriff they would have a when the dare guys would come i feel like I learned more about drugs from them and the effects of them than I should have known in fourth or fifth grade. They would have a big pot-bellied state trooper guy come and literally would be like, an eighth of weed, three and a half grams. Now, the language changes when you start talking about the harder stuff. Now, the language changes when you start talking about the harder stuff. An eight ball, eight, three and a half grams of cocaine or heroin, also known as horse. I'm like, yeah, like learning our times tables. And I'm like, OK, OK, horse, eight ball, you know, et cetera.

And then they would have like a they'd have like a trifold, you know, like poster board with drugs on them. And they looked real. And I don't think they were probably not the real thing, but they'd point to them with a pointer and they'd be like, this is Oxycontin. This is what cocaine looks like. This is crack cocaine. And this is marijuana.

And this is ecstasy, so on and so forth. And they would tell us not to do it and tell us to stay in school, which didn't work for a lot of us. I remember, like, a lot of guys, you know, that stuff, it's cool to do that type of stuff, especially when you're learning about it at such a young age or whatever. Yeah.

You get curious, man. I was like, damn, they call that shit horse? I like horses, you know? I mean, the way that my neural pathways were functioning in fourth or fifth grade was like, 8-ball? My dad plays pool. You know what I mean? That shit sounds dope as hell.

Yeah. I remember when I was in first grade, I used to smoke heroin and kill people. And I've come so far since then. I remember, yeah, what grade y'all in? I remember when I was in first grade, they used to let me hold the gun sideways and bark at people on the train. I remember when I was a wee boy like you. We used to drink moonshine down by the creek.

And I drank that moonshine until I lost my eyesight. Oh, boy. They said They said old Smokey's coming Old Smokey's coming boy You better turn that You better turn that fire down They want to see Smoke Old Smokey's coming Oh boy you better jump in

I'll get you Better put your butt cheeks away Smokey come down the creek Walk in there, Alligator's going to come out of there and get you, boy. Better put your butt cheeks away. Smokey come down the creek. Yeah, you better put your butt cheeks away. Smokey come down the creek. Oh, Lord. Tell that to still down.

I think they might come down the corner where the Alligator's been. Where the water moccasins are jumping up and down the boat there. Cajun Derek. Oh, my God. Oh, they told Smokey to start drinking the brake fluid. Yeah, first say you think it's cool, you start drinking a little liquor with the marsh hand. Next thing you know, you're down there. Oh, Smokey chasing you. You got alligators nipping at your ankles.

It's clearly like the truant officer in shoe polish. Oh, Lord. They don't have anybody. It's just the school safety officer in clear black. Oh, yeah. They used to call me Blue Sox on the counter. I would walk around in the flood water in my gray socks until they turned blue. around in the flood water and my gray socks today turned blue and i sell i i sell pictures of a lady lady feet for for a quarter to get a bag of of smoky joe heroin we used to eat them uh alligator

goss because we thought they taste like french fry but now we know can't be doing that boy down there with smoking drinking all the brandy and then then they come over here and start yanking on your penis to take your foreskin off. Mr. Smokey, question for you. You look just like Officer Brian, only you got a funny face on. Officer Brian is a handful of charlatans, I'll tell you that much, boy. And can't nobody show you much like old Smokey De La Truve can. Old Smokey going to show you how to live your life. All right, not like them police men going to tell you how to live your death.

I'm going to tell you how to teach a ton of dick so good, turn a frog inside out. I'll tell you, boy, ain't nothing like that. Smokey De La... Everybody, please listen. Mr. Smokey De La Trove is a crack addict and a thief, okay? We picked him up off the streets of New Orleans, and he's going to come to our school to tell you guys about how to stay in school and read your books.

Ain't that right, Smokey? Yeah. about how to stay in school and read your books. Ain't that right, Smokey? Yeah. Smokey De La Trove is not Officer Brian with a funny face. Sit down, Timmy. That is an inappropriate question.

Smokey De La Trove used to go to Robert E. Lee Middle School. Isn't that right, Smokey? Yeah. Smokey De La Trove didn't read his books and eat his carrots, and now he sells... What do you call that part of your body that you sell for crack cocaine, Smokey? I call it the land. I call it Mississippi Delta. He sells his Mississippi Delta for drugs, kids.

For drugs. And for that white lightning.. And that white lightning. And for that white lightning. So if you want to keep your Mississippi Delta clean from flood water, you stay and you do what, Smokey? I do believe you're going to stay in school. It's been awful nice. It's awful nice to stay in school and smoky de la truth what did you want to be before you gave up your your dreams and and and and inherited and embraced a life of

crime violence debauchery and poverty i tell you boy i always want to be a bullfrog back in my younger days i always thought i'd be nice to sit out on one of them little pads. Yeah, truly. I always thought I'd be nice to sit down on one of them little pads so I could get to fly with my tongue. So that's what I was going to try and do. But after a while, I noticed that, you know, running out of little pads down on the pond, I figured I got to try and do something else. Smokey Delatrouve wanted to be a bullfrog, kids.

I don't know if you caught that. He wanted to be a bullfrog and hop around on a lily pad, but instead now he comes and he goes to all the schools in the Louisiana and Mississippi areas and tri-state area and he tells them to stay away from

drugs. Isn't that right, Smokey? Yeah, and sometimes they give me lunch. We do give Smokey lunch. We give Smokey... We pay Smokey in Sloppy Joe's and french fries from the cafeteria because that's... Sloppy Joe.

That is Smokey's favorite food. Any questions for Smokey? You in the back Mr. Smokey Is it true that you That you When you wanted to be a bullfrog That you

Instead of growing up To be a bullfrog like you wanted You started robbing people Oh that's a funny kid there i tell you what i wanted to be a bullfrog all right ain't nothing wrong with that but sometimes in life you start looking at what you gotta do man and you know for me i was trying to i wasn't trying to hurt nobody me, I was trying to, I wasn't trying to hurt nobody. But what I was trying to do was get a little bit of money for myself and my family. So what I ended up doing there, and for a while, I'd hide up in a tree. I'd hide up in a big, tall, bald cypress.

Yeah, that's where the Spanish moss likes to grow. And I'd look up like I was some kind of like i was some kind of ego or something but really what i was doing was is i my cousin he had a buff defect where he grew feathers because he he lives too close to the monsanto factory so he kind of drank a lot of chemical runoff growing up so i'd pluck my cousin's feathers and i put them on my body like some type of horrible creature and I jumped down about 70 feet from the top of the tree next to people. And my whole body

would break when I landed. They'd get so damn scared. They'd fuck it. They'd get so damn scared. They'd drop all their belongings, including the picnic basket. And I'd go grab the picnic basket, get all the bread out there, get all the liquor, get all the grapes, get all the barefoot Moscato and all that there.

And I'll grab it. Yeah, I'll go down to the creek, share it with all the snapper turtles and all that. And I'll keep all the grapes for myself. Thank you so much, Smokey De La Trove. And that's right kids if you don't do your times tables you will end up in a tree plucking feathers off of your diseased cousin and then jumping from the tree and breaking all the bones in your body to scare townsfolks so they drop all of their belongings like loot and then you'll live a life where you share barefoot moscato wine with all the snapping

turtles down by the swamp instead of becoming astronauts and presidents isn't that right kids yeah that's right smoky thank you so much for coming by today is there anything else that you'd like to say to the little boys and girls before we take you back to the swamp Be careful if you ever see a bandana peel post up upon the ground as if it's a part of the sidewalk. Because sometimes what you can do with that, whatever you can go across, whenever you try to go across it, we're going to try and walk on that.

And you're going to slip, slip, slippity, slip, slippity, slip, down, down, down, down, across the road. Oh, hell no. They're going to cross, you know, slip, fall right on behind. And in front of all the ladies. All the ladies are going to stop and say, oh, I was smoky. Don't slip on the banana, people. And now I'm going to put it on Instagram Live. Now he's so funny And we all Pointing down And laughing at him

And then We're going to put it all On Instagram live You know The monkey that Fall on the Soil His trousers

He'll shit all over The sidewalk Banana peel We don't lift And all TikTok prank And then we go play with it Put clans on Nipples

And then we go Put it down in a chair Tie him up in a chair Tie him real tight Ain't no circulation On his limbs No circulation On there and then we're gonna put it on the screen we got a smoky trap live but come down to the dungeon we got a smoky yeah we gonna put make me bananas all day because he's a stupid monkey man and we all kill him we all get out with an axe because he slipped

on a banana peel and that you don't want something like that happening. So watch your step. The kind of trouble that you get into if you don't do your studies is that you get tricked by a banana peel on the ground and the townspeople lock you up in a dungeon and they torture you by pinching at your nipples and your butt cheeks and then they leave you down there forever.

Anybody have any last questions for smoky yes you in the back mr smoky do you have a wife like my daddy has a wife that's my mom do you have a swamp wife yeah i do it is also your mom and every night i come home to her it's your house i get there right before your daddy do and i pound the living god fuck out of her and basically what i do is i turn her into my swamp creature i put slime algae all around my fucking giant cock and then what i do is i'd slide it up in her and i give her horrible diseases and i give her i give her turtle disease i give her all kinds of shit and i don't give a. I'll pound the hell out of your stupid ass mama. Like she's some kind

of fucker. Like she's some kind of beaver. Badger. Something like that. Like your normal guy would fuck a badger. Okay. I see we gotta get Smokey out of here. We have to get Smokey De La Truve gone.

Because it seems he's getting a little cranky kids because if you don't eat your vegetables, you get scurvy like Smokey De La Truve. Okay. Thank you for coming by the school, Smokey. Bye-bye. Bye now. Bye. Well, I'm glad we were able to have the PSA for the

children. Yeah. I like that guy. Yeah, Smokey De La Truve of the Bible. It's upsetting that we can't bring him to more schools. Yeah. You know? Yeah, because he can only go to private schools because, you know, the ankle monitor thing. Right.

Yeah, he can only go to really well-funded Catholic private schools. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It's cool they let him do whatever Catholic private schools. Yeah. It's cool they let him do whatever he wants there. Yeah, yeah. Let him wander around. Smokey de la Troop. Oh, man.

It's awesome that in this land of plenty that there are guys like that that are real. I love Cajun people. All the stereotypes about them are true. Yeah, definitely. They all eat rats and stuff. Not all of them, I guess. But they're all fucking stinky, nasty reptilian people.

It's fucked up that the French are so snooty. Because that's, you know, it's the same type of guy. But if you take a Frenchman and you put him down here and then let time do its thing, they just become the nastiest sort of critters that God's ever seen. Yeah, because they were kind of cast into poverty. Yeah. It didn't really, it wasn't you know yeah yeah jake they had a really bad bad deal yeah that uh yeah the kind of forced to live in a swamp yeah they wanted to

live in canada which has normal places and then they said hey how about you guys go across the world yeah what if you guys how about you guys go as far south as we can realistically get you? Yeah. Yeah, and you're in beautiful Quebec right now. That's nice. Have you ever tried the fucking ass end of the United States? The nastiest part of the country. Louisiana's all right, I guess.

It has its... Sorry. It has its perks, you know, but I've been there a fair amount, and I just wouldn't want to live there. But the people are nice for the most part. There's good people everywhere. But I like New Orleans. It's cool.

Baton Rouge has its moments. We used to go gamble over there like charles baton rouge baton rouge is a fun place to visit uh it's not the safest but no it's not no it's funny my my mom and i when i was like 22 we would go after i turned 21 we would go to the casinos in baton or like right outside baton rouge and lake charles and lafayette areas and uh we would go to biloxi too we'd go gamble yeah and all around the casinos it's depressing it's just like the worst kind of poverty. And then you go to a casino called Golden Acres or Silver Spring or something. And it's gaudy. There's nothing opulent about it.

It's just the facade of decadence. It's like a cheesecake factory where you can gamble in. The architecture is Roman and Greek and Egyptian. But then all around it in every direction is just straight fucking death and decay. And you go there to spin slot machines called Geronimo's Lament and Chinaman's Treasure. They're all very racist and very evil. and Chinaman's Treasure. They're all very racist and very evil.

And it seems, you know, I guess, what's the word I'm looking for? Makes perfect sense, you know, that that would be there because there's nothing else there. Also, last time I brought this up, you informed me that they took the Confederate flag off the Mississippi state flag. The last time I was there, they hadn't. Yeah, I believe they did.

I'll have to check. Or at least I know there was a big... Stink about it. Yeah. Let's see. Don double fact check me yeah now it's like a magnolia flower my ssis mississippi impossible but the same same color scheme basically just with some yellow in there mississippi flag yeah the new one is a lot less racist oh it was the stars and bars yeah and like the the flag of france basically yeah now it's uh it was a pretty shitty flag that's a fucking low effort yeah if

you take the flag flags combined that's not a real thing you take the french flag and then you just throw the confederate flag in the. That's a shitty flag for sure. Yeah. Um, I wonder what, I mean, I know what makes a lot of the Confederate guys still hold on to it. Like a lot of them.

I knew, I knew more than a handful growing up. I don't know if you, I'm sure you met a couple or whatever, but quite a few um you meet the you meet the guys who try to like make it a smart guy thing you know what i mean so they're like oh it was it was a state's rights issue i heard that a lot growing up where like you have your heritage not hate guys who are just kind of you know not inbreds necessarily but just southern pride being from

the south casually racist and then you have the guys who were like no it was about states rights they were always my favorite type of guy implying a that states rights are good in and of themselves. And B, leaving conveniently out the states' rights to own human beings. And then like taking a kind of a position where the North

stomped out their way of life with their smug college boy reading books or whatever the fuck. It'll happen, you know? Yeah. I mean, the South will rise again. You know what I mean, too? It'll happen eventually.

Illinois has got a new state flag recently, too, I believe. But they're not. Pretty racist over there, I guess. I know, but it didn't have the... Did they have slavery? I think they were one of the... I believe they were a union state.

Was Illinois a union state? Pretty sure. Union or Confederate? The union included the states of Maine, New York, New Hampshire, Vermont, Massachusetts, Connecticut, Rhode Island, Pennsylvania, Jersey, Ohio, Indiana, Illinois, Kansas, Michigan, Wisconsin, Minnesota, Iowa, California, Nevada, Oregon. Nice.

Yep. Yep. It was Texas Confederate. What a stupid... What a stupid-ass question. Texas formally seceded on March 2nd to become the seventh state in the new Confederacy. Governor Sam Houston was against this secession

and struggled with loyalties to both his nation and his adopted state. His firm belief in the Union cost him his office and refused to take an oath of allegiance to the new government. Why? Damn, Texas didn't... You know what's almost fucking... Jesus Christ. What?

Have you seen the flag of Hawaii? No, let me take a look. It has the fucking Union Jack on it in the corner. Oh, yeah, that's right. Yeah. Christ. That's almost more offensive considering the history of hawaii yeah that's pretty fucked up what we did it fuckers why is the british flag on hawaii many of king kamehameha's advisors were british and the islands were once placed under england's protection dude it's so badass to be your name's kamehameha's advisors were British and the islands were once placed under England's protection. Dude, it's so badass to be your name's Kamehameha.

That's so sick. Man, we've ruined everything, dude. They had fucking dope-ass names down there. They had a king whose name was a Dragon Ball Z spell. And fucking, now everybody's down there is named Tony and fucking Mark.

Yeah. That sucks dick. At least we stole all the good parts they uh the navy poisoned a bunch of their drinking water uh yeah i was reading i was reading about uh the island that they used for um that the u.s military was given the entire island just to bomb it yeah as much as they wanted to and they kept missing and hitting maui like that happened a lot where they would just be like flying overhead and they would just release it too late allegedly and it would just hit maui and they'd be like oh my bad i uh i was i've been listening to the audiobook for trying to finish the Jakarta Method, and there was a story in there.

The early days of the CIA were like a bunch of fucking horny alcoholics, and they were like, we got to destroy communism everywhere. And the president was like, okay, I get you guys, but we need to be careful. You know, we don't need to be doing fucking goofy-ass shit. And they were like, fuck you, we're going to do it our way. And so they would all,

literally they were all obsessed with James Bond and Ian Fleming and all this stuff, so they'd read all the books. Anyway, in Indonesia, I guess before the genocide there that we basically condoned and endorsed, Indonesian government was like hey is the cia bombing uh an island off the coast of one of the islands and we were like uh howard jones one of the like the basically the cia clandestine officer from the u.s that was stationed in indonesia at

the time he was like no no no we're not and they were like well i mean they're american bombs it's american plane and he's like no it's not us and then like two weeks later uh the one of the this plane crashes over and a bunch of the fucking village people go over there with pitchforks and uh out pops an american with an american passport and he was, he had his like CIA papers on him. And his name was Alan Pope. And they were like, well, see a CIA spy.

And he was like, basically the story goes, he was like, ah, you got me like in the same way that if I were to pull a prank on you and you would catch me like putting a whoopee cushion under your chair, you're like, are you trying to make it seem like I'm pooping? And I was like,

you got me. He was just like hanging from a tree, like parachute and they were like cia see we're right and he was like yeah i was over here bombing you guys you guys got me i was over here trying to get you guys start a civil war because you guys had too much socialist stuff happening over here i figured you guys start killing each other because you're all you know jungle people or whatever i'm sorry uh and then like three years later two million people died uh it was pretty pretty tough but anyway yeah yeah uh oh well uh i think the california's flag is pretty cool just the bear ain't it yeah it says california republic though which is cool it's kind of gangsta. To be completely honest, man, and I know some of my fellow

Texans who listen to the show are going to be mad at me, the whole Texas-California beef is really fucking stupid because it's cooler over there. It's just nicer. I know people are like, Texas, big. That's fine. Yeah, that's all we

fucking have is a big expense of fucking nothing. If this was four states, people shit on Wyoming. It's one of the most beautiful parts of the country. Yeah, Idaho, too. People are like, what's out there? Potatoes? It's gorgeous in Idaho. Shut up.

Dude. Shut up. Whenever I'll see the TikToks, it's like, oh, California's moving here. Yeah, Texas. It's like, no, dude. way more people have moved to California. First of all. Second of all, California has better weather. They have better scenery.

They have better landscape. I think they have better food. Yeah. Better. Hey, in most parts of Texas, the Mexican food sucks. I'll say that. Yes. A hundred north north of where you guys are it

sucks all right yes yes that doesn't mean there's not good places right but to get good mexican food in north texas you have to know mexican people you have to go to their house and get it from them because at the restaurants at the restaurants they have to make shitty fucking text mix for mongoloids like me yes well people i don't think people who are like from texas who have too much texas pride like they think it's all like houston or like corpus but if above temple in my opinion like really above north austin and austin's mexican food is really not that great i'm sorry people that are like austin has the best food austin's food is dog if i if i ever see an article that says, oh, these are Austin-style tacos.

Yeah, I don't go there. I'm not interested because there's no fucking such thing as Austin-style tacos. I'm not going to eat a sun-dried tomato chicken pesto taco. It's not happening. I just came up with this new Austin-style food, which means I found a good food and i made it worse and more expensive i'm a fucking genius hey you know how you know how uh you know how tacos have been great for 10 000 years they've been fine what if they fucking sucked ass expensive ingredients put together horribly and it was all wet for some reason it didn't taste good yeah seven dollars a piece but what if you could have a

margarita with it that was 14 yes yep from the same frozen margarita machine that every fucking restaurant in texas has but hey ours ours has tahini around it wow yeah we put a we put a dehydrated dried lime on the rim so that 15 yeah it's so i like whenever when i first moved here i'm not gonna lie i was like oh like the food is so crazy like the you know austin foodie whatever but then i quickly realized it even like 10 years ago 11 years ago when i moved to the city it it's not the food isn't meant to be eaten you're supposed to to take pictures of it. It's like the Yelp foodie thing never died here. It just evolved into Instagram and TikTok or whatever. Because down in Houston and then South Texas where I'm more familiar, whatever,

tacos are big and they don't cost more than $3. And they are simple and great. It's barbacoa, cojita cheese, lime. And the meat is so fucking good and the tortillas are homemade that you don't need anything else. When I first moved to Austin, I experienced tortillas. I'm not going to lie.

I was in love. I was like, you guys put queso in a chicken strip and fucking back fat and fucking goddamn Rotel and also fucking, you guys put marshmallows in your tacos. That's so awesome. That lasted like three months and I realized

this is dog shit. This is horse shit. This is stupid. This place charges $10 for a margarita and like $8 per taco. So when I've been to California even in the fucking little, I took a road trip through there, even on the little fucking bullshit ass cities

in between the major cities. Mexican food's way better mexican food's better it's not a hundred even the hot even in the hottest time of year when i went to california it was like 95 degrees sucked but in texas there's no mountains there's no surfing the galveston's the best you got maybe maybe you go to port a maybe you go to south padre island disgusting disgusting hog people go there to fuck give each other herpes and chlamydia and fucking go to jail and kill each other you have no skiing no snowboarding you have no and nothing in the state it's hot as fuck year round eight months out of the year it's a fucking 100 percent humidity 100 plus degrees and we're supposed to pretend as texans that it's

awesome to live here i mean it's cheap i guess it's cheap but like it's not cheap to have like like property taxes are high here because we don't have sales taxes are high here yeah we yeah we just don't have we don't have a state income tax so that's i guess good if you like having shitty roads uh and also the corporate taxes are pretty low yeah um but yeah i mean it maybe it costs more to live other places because they're fucking nice places to live. People don't think about that. Yeah, yeah. Why would you want to spend your limited time on this earth paying money to live somewhere nice? It makes no sense. I don't get why people, oh, you want to live somewhere where you can surf and then eat the best Japanese food of your life?

Oh, no, I'd rather live in a place called Shit Fuck, Texas, Oh, no, I'd rather live in a place called Shit Fuck, Texas, where I can go get a good plate of barbecue for only $50 now. Or I can go to a place called... Munchies Tacos, where I can spend... Oh, yeah, Munchies Tacos, where it's fucking $70 to look at a taco. Or I can get a nice Haritos for $10. It's all spaghetti on corn and they make different types of lasagna tacos and chocolate. And they say it's special. It's so awesome.

Why would I pay $2,000 a month to live in a fucking studio, a 15-minute walk from the water, when I could pay $1,800 to live next to a fucking chemical plant my whole life and get cancer at 60. I get to wait two and a half hours in line to eat barbecue made by an old World War II veteran. That's the type of living that I want. Do you think if I lived in Los Angeles I would be able to park a Ford Tremor outside of my barn dominium? Most likely not but this standard of living you know i've got a i've got a dog i've got look i've got couches that look like cows they're outside they have flies on them i've got porch couches you can't

have yourself a porch couch out there in oakland can you my wife is addicted to CrossFit, and I've got two sons named Jace Lynn and Jack Sir, and they love football. And, you know, if I lived in California, my kids would have to go to gender school, and my wife would be addicted to salad. And I would have to work at the Google factory. Instead, I get to work. I do foam insulation. Where else can I do that? I get fiberglass in my skin and my lungs every day forever for $22 an hour. And there are no unions here, so nobody can tell me that I can't work 80 hours a fucking week making nothing.

What do they have in California? Medicare? What do they have in california medicare what do they got there ski lifts that you can go skiing and surfing in the same day i got a dirt hill that's got a dead dog body under it that i buried five feet deep above my ex-wife's body i love the fucking guy i see this a lot on on instagram um on the reels the guys that that are like, they get very smug. They're always from Texas, or they're from like Arkansas or Oklahoma, those three states. And they're very smug. They're like, oh, these millennials, they complain about paying $3,500 a month living in a pine box like a bee.

I got all this land out here. in a pine box like a bee. I got all this land out here. And then it just pans to the most dead, flat, like shittiest land you've ever seen in your life. It's because it's Arkansas. In Oklahoma, it's just fucking flat. Nothing. I've got my own creek,

and then they show you the nastiest, murkiest fucking inbred catfish pond you've ever seen. I got my own four-wheeler. They show you the shittiest, most broke-down fucking thing you've ever seen i got my own four-wheeler they show you the shittiest most broke down fucking thing you've ever seen in your life i'd take this over living 15 minutes from malibu any day no you fucking wouldn't you take it because that's the life you were given and hey look if you're redneck rich more props to you if you got land and you got one of them souped up golf carts that you crash into the woods that's a a dope ass life. It's pretty sick. But let's not pretend that it's nicer than any random place in California.

I don't get it. Like, I don't understand. I know that people from California are annoying, but I think people from Texas are just as annoying in a different way. You know what I mean? Yeah, it's like we think we've proven things we haven't. Yes, yes, yes, exactly. Oh, my God.

You really came from there to here? What did you come to do? We got so many jobs here. That's why my son's worked at a gas station since he was 16. Yeah. Look, we got so many jobs. I can be either a welder or I can blow my head off in front of my family. Usually both, too.

Yeah. Sometimes if you're lucky, you can do both. Try making money in California. What do they have? The biggest tech area pretty much in the world? Some of the best schools in the country? Some of the best public schools? I'll have you know, we have one good school that nobody can get into.

How about that? Yeah, we've got UT and Rice. We've got UT and Rice, or we've got 75 branches of UT that nobody gives a fuck about. Yeah, or Texas State if you want to go get pregnant and die. Texas Tech, if you like spirits coming at you at night we built hey you know how the plains indians never settled down because the northern plains of texas were fucking haunted well we put a college there forever and there's a lakita in and shit also so yeah you know the comanche the comanche the everybody at comanche the mohawks

they just never went over to where Lubbock is. Well, we built a university there in about a whole-ass town, and the whole town's filled with the worst, most evil cocksuckers the world's ever fucking known because we don't trust or believe in nothing except our own goddamn hubris. The fucking – the people – like, I think a really popular – because of, like, Rogan's thing, where he was a California guy, and all those other guys are California guys, and they moved to Austin, and they're like, yeah, California sucks, or whatever. All the things they complain about are here, too, but we have really no way of handling them in any responsible way. Like I,

part of me believes they just like it cause there's no state income tax here. You know, if you make millions of dollars a year, yeah, Texas is pretty sick. You know what I mean? Or if you're a rancher, you can get subsidies from the government. But otherwise,

yeah, this place is a fucking hell hole. Like I like Austin. It's not bad. It's okay. Otherwise, yeah, this place is a fucking hellhole. I like Austin. It's not bad. It's okay. But to pretend that it's better than fucking Sacramento or like Santa Monica, Sandia, any of them, you're out of your fucking mind.

You're out of your mind. And that's the best city we have, I think, in my opinion, the best thing we have to offer is Austin and Houston. I mean, Dallas, DFWs, I don't know. North Texas is okay, I guess. But I'm talking about scenery, natural beauty. The best we have to offer is the Hill Country and then the big city life of Houston. That's it.

You can get that just about anywhere, and it's not 110 fucking degrees half the year yeah yes sir talk to him did you know that 30 to 60 million bison used to roam yeah we we uh i i thought i mean i knew i knew it was a lot but i didn't know it's that many i thought that the i guess i mean the native americans hunted them quite a bit but i didn't know it's that many i thought that the i guess i mean the native americans hunted them quite a bit but i found out embarrassingly recently that uh we killed a lot of them because it was like the food source for the native americans whatever the fuck yeah we just did like basically like like uh what's the term i'm looking for like weaponized famine

kind of we were like oh you guys like to eat these majestic beasts? We're going to use their skin to buy fool's gold and make moonshine. Yeah. Whatever the fuck. Apparently, they kill a bunch of them at Yellowstone still. What? Yeah. They do, like, culling of bison?

But, like, a lot of them. Why? Yeah, like do like culling of bison? But like a lot of them. Why? Yeah, like the government kills them. Bison culling Yellowstone. Why? What the fuck? Annual Yellowstone bison cull kills 1,200 animals. Groups push for change.

Don't show me a baby. Come on. groups push for change and don't show me a baby come on tribal and state hunters stake out yellowstone waiting for bison across a barrier they can't see or the bison naturally funneled this season the hunt left 1100 bison dead man that fucking sucks they're because they're badass animals they're like 4 000 pounds of meat tank and what do we do when we kill them we fucking i don't know i don't fucking know a part of me i've always i've always thought that maybe i should just be vegan uh but then i'm like you know what i mean i'm probably i know what I mean? I'm one of those guys. I'm one of those guys that's like, yes, you guys are all right.

Like, you're right. We shouldn't be doing this stuff. That being said, I fucking love hamburger, and my moral compass is flimsy. You could probably get me to, if a company invented like a machine that killed a lot of people uh like a box like you could put a thousand people in the box and it would turn them into paste but they wanted podcast sponsorships if they paid me like five thousand dollars i would shill for the killing machine

probably i don't know oh yeah i just i just want to have a fucking oh apparently this has a lot to do the coaling of, apparently this has a lot to do... The culling of the buffalo has a lot to do with the... Just their grazing. Oh, okay. So they're not allowed outside of the national park, basically.

Like, they're killed if they leave the park. That's so fucked, dude. Because ranchers are like, no, they're going to eat all the grass park that's so fucked because ranchers are like no they're gonna eat all the grass that's so because elk are elk carry the same disease yeah yeah yeah and they're allowed to roam wherever but why buffalo just buffalo just eat more oh that makes it so it's like it's like grazing ground for cattle okay that tracks and because they're because of the way the law works here if that's your private land and an animal that's lived there for fucking one million years

eats your grass that you just recently owned in the last 200 you can cut its fucking head off yeah right okay that but i mean i mean like uh i i think it's only like the state troopers and people can kill them i saw that some of the saw that some of the local tribes will hunt them. Yeah. Which I don't know. Colonizing bastards. Right. You know what I mean?

They think they can colonize Yellowstone? We've had that land for hundreds of years. Yeah, we turned it into Disneyland for fucking granola retards. You know, we've had that land for over 100 years. You fools think you can come take it from us? Like the Israeli argument. You know we've had this land for 60 years. You know that this land has belonged to me.

We came here 50 years ago and we built these houses thousands of years ago, alright? This has been my house for thousands of years since 1948. This has been, I'll have you know, this is my home, my ancestral home since 2002. And you, you come here with your fucking feathers and your fucking Tomahawk and you try

to fucking live your life. Did you, uh, when you, when they were teaching you about like the fucking Native American stuff uh when you were in high school and like junior high and shit um did you get anything like because my I had one of those teachers that was like I don't know how to describe I had one of those history teachers that was younger and was like he would try you know

what I mean he'd be like yeah it was pretty it's pretty bad but like that's all we got like i didn't i didn't uh i i i think i didn't i remember in elementary school when when we went over it uh my teacher at the time was like half native american or whatever uh so she was kind of like i mean she didn't focus a lot on the genocide or whatever right she was like there are a lot of things yeah that can be learned from them yeah you know yeah yeah and then uh i think it was more uh if i recall correctly it was pretty apologetic when i got to like middle and high school like oh yeah a lot of it was just disease you know they weren't prepared when we got there yeah that's the thing

that really that got me was because the way that it was spun was is that oh they there was a war and a lot of them died from disease because we, the British and you know, the white people had diseases that the native American bodies weren't accustomed to. And I was like, Oh, I understand. I know how epidemiology works and I'm 14.

Yeah, that tracks. And then like I took AP US history with that teacher I was telling you about who was like younger, definitely a little bit. And for a Texas high school, very liberal. I don't know what that means like on a political spectrum he's probably just like a Bill Clinton guy you know what I mean but like yeah but he was like yeah it wasn't just disease and it wasn't really a war like it was we killed like like

millions of them and I was like oh but you still have it in your head at least i did when i was that age that i was like yeah but like but now we have the usa you know you know like the way the way that it was spun to me was like even by his standards his liberal like for texas high school he was like it was really bad, but we have McDonald's now and they get to have really cool lives. Like they still have land, you know, like that was his end of the lecture was like they got to keep a little bit. You know, there were like three to five million of them and they just called this place home and they and they lived, you know, and they didn't live harmoniously necessarily. You know, and they didn't live harmoniously necessarily, but, you know, this was theirs. Now there's about 150,000 of them, and they're all addicted to Jameson.

And, you know, but hey, they get to eat Burger King and they get to go to Walmart. And that is called the free market, kids, or whatever the fuck. You got to trust in the beauty of it all what was that the monroe doctrine um the man if no manifest destiny uh when they were like we got to push westward forever yeah um the fuck's the monroe doctrine i don't know anything anymore dude i'm uh if i did it it would be called um let's hear it the maryland monroe doctrine because you'd let everybody know you let the president fuck you and then you get killed by the cia first off she didn't let everybody fuck her all right she she had a hard life all right this is a very traumatized woman from what i could get

maryland monroe was not a whore all right fine she was a regular whore she wouldn't have been the most popular woman of a century yeah you're right you're you're right i'm sorry i'm sorry i i fuck the queen of england marilyn monroe ruled the 20th century yeah she did i probably she's one of the only women in history who had like i would bet you let's think imagine all right imagine it's been like what 80 years since she died no i think she died in the 60s uh so i think it's been like, yeah, it's probably about 60 years. Marilyn Monroe death. I think she was, I don't know. Marilyn Monroe died.

And yeah, she died right before Kennedy died, like a year before Kennedy died. Okay. 1962. Fair enough. All right. Imagine having like five generations of Americans jack off to you. Respect. Think about you. Respect. Think about that. I know what you mean.

I'm sure there's still some kid with a fedora beaten off to her. You've got to respect that. That's a legacy most men will never have. If it was me doing Manifest Destiny, they would call it, man, he smokes hella weed. They would call it Handling Breast Destiny.

Handling Breast, yes, for me. Yeah, because I'd be going state to state grabbing on them things. Get a little handful. Yeah, get a handful of that shit they would call it instead of manifest destiny it'd be called uh pass the test blessed to be because yeah because when life hands me difficult fucking challenges i overcome through sheer or they call it man i sweat wrestle me yeah because you're tough and you're fucking hard to get a hold of yeah yeah they'll probably call it um they probably if if I did manifest destiny it would probably be called uh I'm the best stress-free and uh because I work real hard and I have a heart of gold and I

smoke different and I'm hard to tie down. You know what I mean? Yeah, they would probably call – for me, they would probably call it manage wealth successfully. Yeah, 100%. Yeah, because you get your money right and you teach it. Yeah, you let your money – And I have a lot of it. Yeah, me too.

I'm doing good. It's not too much, honestly. Yeah, I've really got a lot of money lately. So much fucking money. If I did Manifest Destiny, it would be called Zan and Rest. Good for me because I like to take care of my mental health by taking benzodiazepines and taking a nap. Yeah. For me, they would say man's got the best intestines.

Because your GI tract's healthy. Yeah. It's great. Yeah. So you got it, which is pink. It's just real nice in there. Yeah. It's not red or inflamed at all.

No, sir. It's good. Yeah, yeah. It's what it is. Yeah. Good stuff going on in there. For sure. Me too.

Yeah. I don't have a chronic inflammatory illness at all yeah instead of the monroe doctrine if i did it would be called um big bros uh big bros cock ring uh because because uh i because why would it why would it be called that oh because i i'm like a big bro to these young guns on the block and uh i teach them how to keep that thing hard you know what i mean it by any means necessary yeah yeah sure for sure jake yeah yeah i'll let you have that one i don't need i don't think i don't think we need to go too far down i'll let you take that one big dog oh or when i hear that i oh, big bro's locked in. Yeah, yeah.

Ain't no switching up. I'm locked in. Yeah. I'm not tweaking. I'm locked in. I stand on business. A lot of people these days don't stand on their business. And I've been known to stand on business.

You know what I mean? Yeah, yeah. If instead of Monroe's Doctrine, it would be called Woodrow Wilson if it was me. I've been known to stand on business. You know what I mean? Yeah, yeah. Instead of Monroe's Doctrine, it would be called Woodrow Wilson if it was me. Oh, okay. You would just be the president? I'd be the president. You'd be the president, like, three or four presidents after that doctrine. Okay, got you.

Yeah. Yeah. Okay, great. Yeah, instead of the Marshall Plan, it would be called Gorsh, y'all. Damn. a martial plan it would be called uh gorsh y'all damn and that's how i would respond to a genocide and uh pushing eastward against um against the threat of communism oh for sure yeah um uh instead of politics i would call it uh y'all like tricks yeah y'all some dicks y'all some dick yeah yeah uh-huh yep there we go because them fellas in the white house don't be treating each other nice hell no instead of uh instead of uh um instead of the house uh instead of the house of the congress it would be called the mouse

Instead of the House of the Congress, it would be called the Mouse of the Lawngrass. And it would be me and a bunch of rats hanging out in the tall trees. Yeah, instead of the Bay of Pigs, I would have ate some figs. Yep, 100%. Yeah, instead of the Civil War, it would have been called the big old s'more because I would have cooked up some marshmallows for them boys and we would have sorted it out just right. You know what I mean? Yeah. Instead of World War II, I would have said order more food. Yeah.

Hey, everybody chill out. I got pizza on the way. Yeah. Everybody chill. I got fucking wings coming way Everybody chill I got fucking wings coming Yeah I got a little smokey smokey Yeah instead of the Trail of Tears I would have said Here's a big pail of beers

A bucket of ice cold Coors Light For me and my friends To drink and just fucking get along Cause nobody knows how to chill out no more Yeah instead of the war on terror i would have said uh girl nice hair yeah because i love tree women nice yeah yeah because you gotta be nice to them yeah of course instead of instead of desert storm i would have called it dessert warm yeah like a nice lava cake and a nice scoop

of vanilla bean ice cream. You know what I mean? I'm deep. I would have said pleasure scorn. Yeah, because you don't like to get too much feeling good.

It's not good for your spirit. Nah, I don't like that shit. Yeah, yeah. Miss me with that. Pleasure scorn. Cash me outside. Yeah. Instead of the

Iran-Contra affair, it would have been I slam lots of affairs because I fucking cheated on my wife. Instead of the instead of the Korean War, I would have said, I'll see you tomorrow.

Goodbye. Yeah, yeah. Bye. Wait, is that it? Okay, that's it. All right, bye.