Pendejo Time - The Pot Bug

Episode Date: August 1, 2024

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Oh baby when you make me a snack you make my belly real fat. I mean Hello oh God hey, dude. How's it going? Hey, man. You sounded like that guy that how was your weekend? Last week last weekend. How was it? It's pretty good Been getting stuff ready to make the big move, went and saw the new place today. It's nice. That's awesome.

We're living above a bar. It's funny. Yeah, so I'm living above a bar. And then right across the street within view of my window is really, it's called SMAC. And then right across the street within view of my window is This really it's called a smack. It's like an old-school like iron. Jim. You know what I mean like it's just all You know like old so that's where you live Yeah, so I'm thinking I'm thinking that every day. I'm gonna have a choice to make which is like

Going downstairs and eating like fucked up Irish food and having like 500 beers or going across the street and lifting weights with a bunch of short 300 pound like steroid guys steroid Hill country guys. Maybe I'll do both. You know what I mean? Maybe I'll hit like a bulk cycle of whatever the fuck Irish people eat and then a bunch of Guinness and then I'll just go over there and deadlift blow both my knees out throw up Guinness everywhere it's kind of what I'm hoping for for this year this coming

this new year you know it's better than living underneath a bar yeah like in the basement yeah go up and check your mail you got a drink and Yeah Like in the basement, yeah Try to go up and check your mail you got a drink and drink all day, you know, I mean that would be sad Yeah, no, it's cool it's a cool spot excited for y'all to what if when the bar was closed you couldn't go you couldn't leave oh Like you get all the doors like jail Yeah All the fucking you just hear like a shank Hank them They close at midnight

And apparently I get to go to all the UFC events for free, which I'm excited about. They always have all the fights. The guy that runs the bar is also the guy that does the maintenance. Shout outs to him. He looks like one of the dwarves from Lord of the Rings. He's one of those old metal guys who's maybe 5'5 and 350. Just a perfect bowling ball of mass. And when we were touring the place, he was like I show you I show you place. I was like, okay. I don't know why I did that voice for him He talks completely normal. I was trying to let you guys visual let you guys at home visualize

What that he looked like through sound and he doesn't sound like that at all He mostly just talks like this and I was like, what if we have like a hot water leak or something? He's like, I'm the maintenance guy too And I was like, what if we have like a hot water leak or something? He's like, oh I'm the mainest guy too. I was like, that's nice. He had a bottle of Rumple Mints on him and I was like, that fucking rocks. A guy who drinks just like carries a fifth of Rumple is not a guy you want to have problems with. In my opinion.

Rumple Mints is a very terrible alcohol. And usually it's only drank by like service industry people who swear up and down that it's delicious But it's fucking it's disgusting. It's nail polish remover. It makes with peppermint. It's terrible You know, I think I'm a construction site the other day and a dude Had just a room. I would I assume to be a well not even room temperature an outside temperature bottle of Don Julio That he was just taking sips out of That's a union man to New York that guy's protected. That's awesome. That's fucking sick. I think there are like

There are certain things that you only drink hot if your life is either like What I was only for not do it you're not doing good You know what I mean like you don't like if I'm hanging outside on the beach, and I'm drinking a beer It's not iced. I was in Florida with Ashley and her best friend was where she lives and I didn't we didn't bring a cooler So I just got a six pack of tall boys from HEB or whatever their equivalent is I think it's the Publix and I just took it to the beach no cooler

And I was drinking it and it was like a hundred degrees outside and by like the third one It was like hot dude not like 80 degree can but like it was like I was drinking a coffee like it kind of burned a little bit to drink it and Her friend was like, um, do you want Like it kind of burned a little bit to drink it. And her friend was like, do you want to run to the store and get some ice? And I was like, no. And he was like, are you okay? And I was like, what do you mean?

She's like, you're drinking like, that beer, the can is like hot to the touch. And I was like, it's fine. And then I realized like, I'm not, I wasn't doing good at that time. You know what I mean? But I wasn't thinking about it because I was just having a good ass day.

See what I'm saying? Like parts of your life where you don't think about how bad they are because you're just kind of living them, you know what I mean? I guess it's not bad to drink super hot beer at the beach. That's a pretty good day. That's okay. You can do it. It's all right.

Yeah. Here, it's, you know, here in New York it's seen as a, you're in a crisis. If you're drinking coffee, that's hot because all the girlies are drinking iced coffee and they're having a brat summer. I feel, I love you, man. We've been friends a long time. I can feel, I can feel and sense in your voice that That looking for a job has taken its toll on your spirit

Yeah, you know some people jobs are cut jobs are kind of like Women, you know, it's like you look too hard and you'll never find one, you know what I mean? At a certain point it's kind of best to just act like you don't even want one. You stop applying, they start replying. Yeah, of course. They start applying to you. Okay, got a job. You gotta let the it's like It's like monkism, you know what I mean, you gotta let the job apply to you. Oh

Yeah, I've become a monkess since I move up here You're talking about taking the bootstraps off completely just kicking them right off the feet Yep, just putting on a pair of sandals and the Just kicking them right off the feet. Yep, just putting on a pair of sandals He's just sitting in the road with a with a hot coffee and a hot beer and just waiting for the job There's this a homeless lady who lives I guess lives in my neighborhood Mmm, I mean she lives she's alive. She is yeah But her latest she's she was has a bit she's doing you know what I mean to get money Her listing she'll just pretend to die

And she'll just lay down Okay, and then she'll just hold her hand out So that's pretend to be dead, but still wanting money And it's obviously cuz she should have a place to live and stuff. Does it work? But she like fit kind of she's kind of good at it like she was standing in traffic the other day and people were just walking up to her and giving her money. Oh it works. Hell yeah. Yeah I gave her money one time and then she got mad at me because I got her a water bottle

and she tried to give it back, and I was like, dude, it's really hot out. You like, I'm gonna leave this here, okay, and you should drink it. You don't have to drink it, but I'm not gonna. First off, you've touched it already, so now it's homeless water, so it's disgusting, so I'm not gonna drink this bullshit,

because I'm better than you but I'm Now dirty ass water here with you to drink was that the lady who you she asked you for a course and you gave her A water and she was mad at the same. Yeah. Yeah, I also gave her a course. Oh Yeah, that's right. And then she wanted a cigarette and I said, I don't smoke. Sorry She's mad at me exactly. It's like 15 bucks for a pack of cigarettes. I'm not gonna buy one For yeah for you to bum one off of and then I have 19 cigarettes I don't want or I do want but I shouldn't have right right. It's not that I mean, you know Anyway, which I understand, you know going through withdrawals and stuff it's not

a fun time she wasn't like uh... this would be i'm gonna be i'm gonna be a bitch today you know this is the area she's just like basically a bad person uh... so sure for for not having yet it is

it is funny when almost people are not even like a bullet hole and you're like All right, I see it a little bit, you know, yeah, you know, like I don't want you to be homeless, but You know, you should live with other homeless people in a great big house Yeah, there should be a place where they put a bunch of you guys where you can stay for a long time and get Yeah, where you guys get like good blankets and like yeah pockets and stuff three square meals a day And you're not allowed to leave. Yeah, like you don't have to eat like Like what you will eat jail food, but jail food should be better too So for sure, yeah your mental hospital and energy all should have the same food in my opinion Yeah, I think if you're a little bit depressed you should get the

And I think if you're a pedophile, I think those people deserve the same food. It's just me. I Think yeah, I think pedophiles should be eating good. I think that's the only right they should have they should be eating good You know what I mean? Yeah, what if I got in trouble for being a prison if I was a prison cook? And I got in trouble for making forgiving the better falls better meals Like everybody was getting like squares of pizza, and then the I was making like glazed hams They were only going to like sex offenders. I like I like how your Thanksgiving dinner every day Like how your idea of like fancy good food. It's just glazed

You have for Christmas or something no I know but like for some reason when you're talking about better food I was like oh, he's gonna say like I don't know like fucking Chicken cordon bleu or whatever kind of stereotypical fancy feast like a beef Wellington or like a rib eye and you're like yeah I'm gonna give the normal guys a square pizza, then I'm gonna give all the pedophiles and sexual rapists glazed haps No, I get it yeah, I get it get dressing They're gonna get cranberry sauce the cranberry sauce are gonna get so fucked up sweet potato Marshmallow dish that white women love the sweet potato Castrol type thing yeah, yeah

Yeah, I'm gonna be making yams You get it the warden is like Thomas so the other prisoners are started to take note that you know the murderers and the thieves and The white-collar guys are getting square pizza. You know they're getting hot pockets. They're getting Kind of them canned meatloaf You keep making all the rapists and pedophiles and women beaters beef Wellington. It's really good I got to tell you it's cutting into our budget so if you could just First of all why like do you support what they do or is this just kind of like I just try and put myself in their

Shoes you know I'd hate to be a pedophile so I just try to make their lives a little bit easier Being a murder or something is kind of cool. You know but You know pedophile you don't even get to brag about any of that or you just get beat up That's kind of podcasting feels you know Yeah, yeah, we're sort of the pedophiles the entertainment world you and I That's true. Yeah I kind of feel like podcasting and stand up doing it together is like the lowest you know we're just Yeah, I just tell people I just tell people I and stand up doing it together is like the lowest you know we're just yeah I

just tell people I just tell people I oh for what I want to do for a living is I just want attention but I haven't even honed a skill of any kind mm-hmm yeah I can't not particularly can't even play an instrument it can't even paint anything I just make observations that other people have also made Yeah, I'm not particularly funny either. That's one like a really critical I mean, I'm I understand that I'm kind of I just sort of rip off other comedians that I like Yeah, yeah, yeah, and that's like my plan long term Is that those comedians will get old and die and people will forget about them and think my stuff is original

Yeah Does you get a special and you name it like killing them softly? You just do Dave's hour and then you're just like yeah, I mean it was it was tough coming up You know what I mean? I had so many guys to look up to you know, Louis CK Bill Burr and somebody's like oh Dave Chappelle yeah I never heard of him yeah I never heard of that guy either and probably if he was a real guy probably wouldn't be very funny probably this is my special amazing dogs is a name I came up with amazing hounds you just yeah like

isn't Shane Gillis like 10 years older than you I He was way before my time Yeah, I don't really never really Listened or watched any of his stuff. I didn't even know he had a podcast never met him or talked to him or anything You know yeah, no Yeah, I whenever People like Mention the podcast especially like I found this like in the music world

They're like, oh like oh, I can't listen to it. And I don't know if anybody else plays music in a genre that is like How would I describe this? Like punk, hardcore, emo, whatever. Like the politics of that world, like I mostly agree with them, but the sensibilities are like, basically what I'm saying is I don't tell anybody to listen to the show. Because I don't think that it would be good. I guess And it's not that we're even like edgy or whatever the fuck or like we really were just stupid like dumb

But I'm always they're like, oh, that's cool, man. Like you guys went to New York. I was big time What's the show called? And I'm like, it's called one two three teaching reading to children it's we donate all the patron money to charity and We help build homes for the for poor people It's called five six seven eight all children get to go to college and we teach business finance And it's about how to create a special business. That's amazing and how to run things fluidly But it's like basically like really boring. Just all like business like business talk yeah and you probably wouldn't like it cuz it's my co-host is

nonverbal yes grunts and it's very off-putting and people don't like the podcast and I deleted it on accident oops oops oh oh my gosh it just disappeared off the internet I guess there's no way to listen to it now yeah my podcast is called Chapo Trap House and basically it's like a political we're like leftists and we do good stuff mm-hmm we're leftists that play video games and lift weights. And yes. And that's even if you Google them, you won't see me in any of the pictures.

That's cause I'm the newest guy, but I've been doing it a long time. Yeah. But they don't like taking pictures with me because I'm very tall. Yes. The guy is just, the guy is literally standing next to me. He's like, I mean, you're not short, but yeah. I mean, it's not. Is that?

Yeah, they say I'm too tall to be in the pictures. That I won't fit in the pictures, so they don't take pictures with me. Goodbye. Yeah. Thanks, goodbye. I just leave my own house. I like the idea of having a nonverbal podcast host who really just, it's one of those like math finance like autistic, you know, like getting into the nitty gritty of how to basically

do credit card and tax fraud. But one guy is like the brains and the other guy or one guy is like the confident entrepreneur and the brains is a guy who just can't speak. But he just does it. You know what I mean? He makes all the money. Or one guy is like the confident entrepreneur, and the brains is a guy who just can't speak. But he just does everything, you know what I mean. He makes all the money. We're gonna go over to Thomas. Thomas is gonna teach you guys how to open up an LLC

and get a debt-free $50,000 loan that you can write off his income. Thomas? Right, so we're gonna cover point on that. So basically what you're gonna wanna do is you're gonna go to a credit union, not a bank, okay? And you're gonna wanna get an LLC first and then you're gonna take the LLC and you're gonna wanna get a business startup loan.

This was gonna be interest free and you'll never have to pay it back because it's technically income because this debt's gonna be your income and that's how you're gonna make your first $50,000. And then you can actually do that more than several times. Thomas, how many LLC loans have you used to start your businesses? Yeah, man. Right, 53.

That's how Thomas made his first million, basically was just accruing massive amounts of interest-free debt that he then wrote off. Now Thomas, you've gotten a bit of hot water with the SEC over insider trading Can you can you tell the audience a little bit about that? Right and so oh, so I didn't mean to cut you off yet continue So what happened with Thomas was

Oh I forgot we have an ad read for... Yeah, okay, yeah, go ahead and do the ad read, buddy. Beautiful, right? And you're gonna want to make sure to use code... That's M-M-M-M-M-B-U mm. B. You OPP use code Right mm. Bo you PP for 50% off your blue chew subscription Thomas is a big blue chew guy. He takes 10 before every show not quite sure

Why he does that but uh from what he's scrawled to me on Limestone, it tells him that he kind of, it increases his mental acuity. His economic calculus is better. Is that right Thomas? Yes, that's correct. Oh, there he goes. They just kicked in. They just kicked in. Yes, it gives me a big boner and it makes me hoard and put some veins into my wiener and it makes it purple. Very awesome and it makes you talk

normal which is great. You have about a good six to eight hour window where you can have conversations with people. That's correct and I always forget about that part. I really should just take it further before the, just sooner before the podcast. Yeah, for sure. So should speak the whole time, but I don't like doing that No understand. Well. I just like having a boner for a little while When I was a I guess you guys didn't We had a that's like the fucking basic super basic cable where you get the cheesy infomercials like girls gone wild and shit but I remember when I like I first saw the like my first Cialis commercial when I was a kid and

The whole disclaimer at the end is like if you have an erection lasting longer than 40, you know four hours You know go to the doctor or whatever and I remember thinking like dude. I can't wait to have a boner for eight hours I can't wait to have a boner for eight hours. I can't wait to like, because in my child mind, I remember thinking like, if you got a boner, then it was like a honing rod. Like then you would get pussy cause you got just cause your penis was hard. Like it was just like a beacon. You know what I mean? Like, and then women would just consensually apparate out of thin air to have sex with you.

And so in my child's mind I said, why would you wanna make your boner stop? Because then you wouldn't be able to have sex. Yeah. Yeah, I used to be excited to someday bang my wife in two separate hot tubs. Or not the claw foot bath tubs, you know what I mean? Uh-huh. It was be holding hands. Yeah Yeah, you just watch the Sun set. I assume they died at the end of the night

Yeah Give one you magical getaway with your wife and you bang her one last time then you both die in the bathtubs She dies from some sort of unknown she's nice from you laying that old-ass Yeah, yeah fucking pelvic it just explodes Yeah, I remember thinking like The way that it was described to me and in my boy's mind not understanding it That it gave you a window of time where you were also

psychotically horny If that makes sense like you take the pill I was like Oh, this is for guys old guys who their penis gets hard And then they it's a honing rod and women appear to have sex with them and also it makes them like you enter like a berserker sexual mode, and I don't know why I thought that because there's no indication in the commercial that that was the case but I was like oh you take this pill it secretes a pheromone that women come out of the woodwork in the bushes and I didn't the tall grass to get a piece of your fucking thick toad and then also

you enter like a berserk fuck mode like you just lay down hard-ass pipe for you know 48 hours straight and then you you know cuz Viagra I think is like in the moment and then Cialis was marketed as like oh like take it on a Friday and then your dick is just ready to rock for like a 72 hour period. Viagra gives you a shorter window. And I think it's like, I don't know. But CLS, I think it's like a whole day or something like that.

Yeah, you get like a window of time. But I don't know, I took a, I've taken a cat. I put a honey pack in my coffee every morning just in case, you know what I mean? Really? Yeah, and then I go to, and I have a job, so I just walk around Bushwick, just, I'm gonna fool with these tracksuit with a giant boner.

That's awesome. I just throw newspapers really hard. I pick up the, I follow the newspaper boy, cause we have one, and I have a boner and I follow him around and I pick up the newspapers after he throws them and I throw them through the fucking windows. Nice. Yeah. Yeah. What is, does he have a problem with that? Or I would imagine he doesn't want to approach you. I sure as shit would. He pretends he doesn't see me I think. I do the same yeah

Yeah, I should become a newsie here. They should start wearing the cap and everything Today's nose get it while it's hot hot off the press and get it get it while it's hot Yeah, dude. I love that Alex blue choose II Extra extra and choose II and all the little boys are hard. How about that? Oh, I thought maybe you were gonna go Okay, I don't know extra extra extra inches of penis Extra hours of sex extra extra suck all about it extra extra long long balls and thick penis I don't think it actually makes your balls longer

But it sure as shit will get your penis hard I would take something that made your balls longer because I think that would just be funny Yeah, if I could if I could take a supplement that made my ballsack like three feet long I would take it hilarious like below the knee. Yeah, you like like ankle level. That would be funny Yeah, but it doesn't increase the size of your penis in any way It's just no and my balls also are the same size so yeah regular balls and like like a three gallon bag That would be cool Yeah, like two fucking doves egg and like I could pull it up and use it like a do rag

Use it as like a one of those weapons. I forget what they're called you sling sling. Yeah. Yeah, that'd be pretty sick. I Think I just keep stuff in there put my wallet and keys in there Yeah, just wrap it up like a purse. Yeah Be nice. Yeah, I I Liked it the Newsy hat I like I was gonna say I liked it Paheta wears them because if I see a guy in a Newsy hat I think that that guy sucks and I could beat him up she's like for old like old school type cool guys like old heads that like were into like the Ramones when they were big yeah, when an old black guy wears is cool Yeah, typically like I saw an old black guy wearing like just a t-shirt and like cargo shorts

And like converse and then one of those the other day, but he like pulled it off I was like yeah, he's like dressing down a newsboy cap. That's crazy well old black guys just have like insane amounts of swag in everything they do. It's like, it's why you can like, you know, the open-toed sandals at the cookout. If a white dad is rocking open-toed leather Jesus sandals, you're like, that guy sells children

to other guys who wear this footwear. Old black guy, big beer belly, Louis Vuitton cell phone case, Newsy cap, a medium pink gap shirt where it accentuates the biceps but the belly's showing. That guy is awesome. That guy used to absolutely crush disco trim. And now he just makes a mean ass fucking prime rib. Because I feel like if a white guy's toes are out past the Maybe there's just me but like I think just because obviously our feet are always pale Yes, so it's like anything messed up with the nail situation or anything like that

Is so apparent any rash you have on your feet You know anything you got going on it people their eyes are instantly drawn to that Dude my my dad Straight up all of his toes toenails were black and green this was while he was alive obviously probably are probably still are no no no he's ashes so he's just great dusty just but uh yeah but we used to when we would go to Galveston, dude, and this is the type of confidence that you only get

if you are either really, really rich or just completely mentally gone. We would go to Galveston and he would rock just denim jorts that he had cut into jorts. No underwear, he would sag too, so base of the dick, ass crack out, big beer beer belly out and then his toenails were just like he had a fungal Infection for like eight years and he never went and got it taken care of so they were just like black and like a tinge Of like a sea foam green and I'll be like dude. Just go get fucking some loathe or something. He'd be like nah, dude

I'm gonna do all that who's looking at? And I was like fucking me and I guarantee you everybody at this beach, well not everybody but the people who are sitting oh I don't know fucking eight feet from us you've got them you've got them kicked up on a nice little pile of wet sand that you turn into a footrest genius move by the way Pop. Your feet have like a emanate they're emanating stink lines and they're black the toenail would be completely black and then around the nail bed would just be like a like a like inflamed he just had anger he wore steel toes obviously all the time but he would wear the same socks over and over and over again and that's how he got it and I mean my brother would be like dude just go get a

belt sander and throw him on that motherfucker get rid of it he'd be like no no I don't care I ain't got to impress nobody and I'm like it's not about that it's about not having toenail infections at the beach while your ass is out by the way not in a cool way but again I hope I'm painting a picture for everybody at home I also think that he understood to some degree that you don't approach a man like that. You know what I mean? like Baby, you make yourself so unapproachable that no one's gonna like say anything to you. That's kind of how I want to get You know yelling at Shrek, you know what I mean?

Yeah, yeah, yeah Yeah, going up to an ogre and being like goddamn man, you gotta You gotta take care of this stink and he's just like brother Yeah, shut up. Shout out rest in peace to big pop It's funny as fuck to like not take care of yourself at all It's it's honestly what I I don't know if you have any opinion on this. I think caring about how your body looks, trying to be in shape and lean and strong is kind of, I like to do it, but it's kind of, it's questionable,

you know what I mean? It's a little, it's a little gay. A little out there. Yeah. Masculinity is what I just described, what my dad had going on to me. That's like I'm rapidly losing my my My masculinity Are you like I yeah? And what was my I trimmed my armpits today

Okay, that's yeah, that's not all the way back or anything But they grow it grows so all the hair on my body grows so fast Mm-hmm that like I just don't have like six inch long arm hair. No, I get it So I can't ruin back. I trim it back But it's like It just comes it just immediately comes back My whole body is and I'm getting like the horrible patches of hair like on my I'll just get patches of hair like on My shoulders and back. Oh nice

Yeah, looks like and it's not the same color as any of the other hair on my body Is it like a cool black? It's yeah, it's a super thick black hair. This is fun. You know my back and shoulders I'm not gonna deal with that. You know if it forming on my back and shoulders I'm not gonna deal with that you know if it's on my back or something I don't care cuz I can't see it but mm-hmm I will be like hmm you know my I'm wearing a tank top and I have like grizzly hair coming out of my armpits. I'll deal with that. But a few years ago I wouldn't have. Cause I chewed tobacco, my teeth were orange, and I had a beard that was crispy.

My beard was crispy. It was so like coarse, and it was like steel wool. And it looked horrible, and it didn't smell great all the time. And I would, you know, I'd't smell great all the time. I'd always have cuts all over me. Yep. And I could pull threads off a shirt just by touching it with the palm of my hand.

Now I moisturize my skin. I took a shower today and I put lotion on after. First time I've done that in a long time, but I did it today I'm getting I just thought I'm turning into a woman and that's fine. It is fine. It's fine. Well cuz like When I first got it's it's having a long-term live-in girlfriend, dude all the like hack like fucking jokes like beat dead horse jokes about like Being a domesticated animal or a 100% like cliches for a reason. Like I legitimately had like the five-in-one shampoo conditioner, body wash, gravy, like I had it all and it was just and it was

also empty but I would do the thing where I would take the top off and run a little bit of water in it shake it up and then you get like another week out of it you know what I mean? And when Ash would come over to my apartment, when I was in school, she would be like, I'm going to show you something. And I'd be like, what is it? We went to the store and she was like, this is shampoo, this is conditioner, this is a moisturizing body wash, and this is an oil for your skin and it makes it soft. And I was like, that is way too much for me to understand.

I get in the shower, I clean my balls, my butthole, my armpits, and then maybe I brush my teeth, not guaranteed, and then I get out. She was like, no, this is called mouth, this is flossing? And at first again, I was like, this is, what am I, fucking GQ? But now I'm like, I get it it. You know I get out of the shower I put my shit on I'm as smooth as a baby's bottom

I'm fucking silky I get in bed, and I just feel like a little fucking chinchilla I feel like a little like a soft little creature with a little fur. I'm like goddamn. This is nice There's no crumbs in my bed. There's no coins. You know it's it's bed there's no coins you know it's it's it's nice in a different way you have to care about yourself more which does take a little bit of mental fortitude whereas not caring about yourself at all super easy like you know very very low maintenance life or whatever yeah yeah for a little while i was brushing my teeth with dawn just because I ran out of toothpaste and I didn't want to skip brushing my teeth So I'd brush it with dawn twice a day. You're fucking lying to me Tom. No

Don it was for my for my hand washing for my body wash and for toothpaste Thomas you aren't fucking kidding. You're not being serious You're brushing your teeth with dish soap Yeah for a couple weeks I wasn't not brushing my teeth either. I'd brush them twice a day, but it tasted horrible Very bitter. Yeah, it's fucking dish. So that is that one of that is hands down one of the that's wild Oh my goodness. So hold on. So I know, I remember you telling me, because we talked about this a while back.

I don't know if you remember, but I do remember the dish soap era, because I had a similar one where I was just using it for dishes, and then I would bring it into the shower, and it was my shampoo, my body wash. You know, also at one point, I would combine it with Febreze,

and that was my deodorant i just you know but using it for toothpaste is that's a cut above man you really will give another thing is i didn't have an amazon account till till i got a girlfriend so i could only accept to the house what does that have to do with toothpaste you go to the dollar store i could i was tired can order order it on like didn't have an Amazon account so I

That's fucking awesome waited till I had a Saturday off, and then I built up the Built up the energy, and I went to the store. I got some toothpaste And I got some body wash and hand soap All in the same trip trip I felt like the man. Yeah, yeah. Or I think, no, I think I already had body wash. I think the issue was, okay, I need to brush my teeth. Mm-hmm.

The body wash has all these fragrances and stuff in it. Yeah. So the, well, I guess so did the Dawn, but I thought the dawn is more like toothpaste than body wash it is I get it Yeah, no, I understand. I get the new Mental maths you put it on ducks. Yeah Use it for ducks. You can probably use it for teeth. That's right I have to hey I under 100% with you on that It's more like like it makes more sense like you wouldn't put you wouldn't brush your teeth with hand soap

Or like old spice like the body like dawn seems like it medically could be used to clean. Yes. Yeah. Yes understood I'm with you on that I if you would have told me it would have been weirder if you were like oh, I was using old spice swagger on my teeth like the No, that's where I draw the line. I still wouldn't do that, but I felt like okay If you swallow a little bit of dawn, that's probably bad, but like you swallowed like body wash Your deodorant you know Using deodorant on your teeth would be so funny. Yeah, there's no way you would even clean them at all because deodorant I mean

It's like it kills like kills like sweat bacteria maybe but like yeah, I Don't even know if it does that I have no idea I mean I don't think it doesn't it goes on your glands or something Man, that's crazy. I'll let the listeners at home decide. What is more Mm-hmm man, that's crazy. I'll let the listeners at home decide. What is more Unhinged I don't like that word it's been abused but what is more gosh in your unhinged era What is more unhinged? Using dawn as toothpaste Thomas that's that's the red pill the blue pill. I would just straight-up go months without brushing my teeth

especially back during the during the rock and roll years of a Fucking like just drinking a drug and shit. I would just wouldn't brush them. I would just spit blood like Randomly like not in the sink. That's good Yeah, I would just be kind of like walking around and I would taste blood and I'd spit it and it would just be like thick Would just be kind of like walking around and I would taste blood and I'd spit it and it would just be like thick like blood and my teeth would hurt all the time and I would tell like my roommate or something or my girlfriend at the time and Like I haven't brushed my teeth in a while. Oh shit, like you should do that a couple days I'm like, nah, I think what is it June? I think I ran out of toothpaste in like April so I just haven't really been doing that. I wash my mouth out with some water every now and then.

But yeah, those two things don't- I think you win. I think you win. Cause your teeth are just falling out. That's like the worst. Well, I remember I went to the dentist right after I had gotten an internship that gave me some like half ass health insurance and I went to I was like I'm gonna go get a cleaning and I just like I had started brushing my teeth again I distinctly remember this was

like after the summer and I'd hit it been hitting it pretty hard that summer and I was like I'm gonna get a cleaning because my gums were bleeding and Yeah, they're doing the whole thing and they like barely touched my gums I guess and I'm just like Blood and lady was like, oh you got you're very sensitive. I think you might have Periodontitis so we're gonna send you home with this stuff. It's very strong. I'm gonna use it once a day Are you flossing and I was like, mm-hmm. Yeah, it's just bad genetics she was like Dentists are really good at knowing when you're lying. I think it's just in the tone of their voice. You know what I mean? They're very like, doctors

in general, too, I think, but dentists specific, I was like, I floss about twice a day, I brush my teeth two times a day. And the dentist was like, Okay, well, make sure you're a little bit more thorough. Okay. And I'm like yeah for sure, but really yeah I just wasn't flossing or brushing my teeth or anything But it's good now. I have a lot of gum recession, but my teeth are pretty healthy For a while I was only doing once a day in college, but I never went Like a really long time without brushing my teeth

And it was funny because I went to the dentist while only doing once a day But I hadn't I hadn't fully Admitted to myself that I was only brushing my teeth Basically once a day because I would fall asleep every night without doing it cuz I would just be drunk or something Yeah And I went to the dentist and she was immediately like have you only been brushing your teeth once a day Yeah, I was like I should I froze up so bad cuz I was like No, no twice a day for me. Mm-hmm. No flossing but twice a day brushing

She was like we need to be more thorough cuz it looks like you've only been brushing once a day Yeah, it was like a night. It was like a nightmare you would have about the Dennis. Yes. Yeah, were they like They like call the police because you haven't been brushing your teeth enough. They look in your mouth and it's like they're clairvoyant to some degree, like they know things about your life. They're like, you doing cocaine again? You've been drinking and falling asleep at night.

It's like you're getting back with your ex-girlfriend, is that true? What's with my teeth? What the hell? Have you been having a hard time maintaining an erection when you have sex with your ex-girlfriend? Yeah, it looks like you got a boner yesterday. Is that true? No, I didn't. No boners from me. You got fired for being drunk at work and then you went home and punched a hole in the wall.

I can tell by your canines looking pretty inflamed. Is this accurate? Yeah, also too, I only have had dental insurance like once in my life. Like good dental insurance, it was my last job. So whenever I go to the dentist, it's almost always dire. They're like, you need like fucking eight grand worth of work done. We can do this cleaning, dude you got to go and this is like this was the case back then like I just Went to the dentist like six months ago, and they're like yeah

You probably should have one of these pulled, but it's good And it's like an old cavity that I had filled that just is fucked but Yeah, you go to the dentist, it's like a luxury. Like dude, when I go to the dentist, I feel like I have my fucking life together. You see what I'm saying? It's like, you know, it's like you go to the doctor

and you're like, I gotta get this thing figured out, blah, blah, blah, blah. But I go to the dentist and I'm like, everybody step aside, Mr. Big Books, it's in the fucking building. Mr. Top Dollar is in the house. Yeah. Anyway, brush your teeth, it's so I feel when I go to the penis doctor Oh, yeah to get it stretched on just yeah to get it to get him to put cream on it. Yeah

Yeah, I'm gonna can you put Tommy's cream on it one of my clients for work is a vagina doctor Is a euro gynecologist and After I write all these blogs about like vaginal tightening creams, and I feel nasty doing it Because do they work do they we don they discuss that I don't I mean for my research because I have to research this stuff to like write about it they do work but not

if your shit is super blown the fuck out they don't you got to have the surgery but they do work for like mild forms of what is known in the industry as vaginal accident I'm gonna have that done on my belly button Tighten the foot just like it's a little pinhole. Yeah, I just want a tiny. Yeah, I want to clean it with a Microscope do you have an Audi or an any? Any I used to think people with Audis were like fucked up animals when I was a kid Like you see a kid with an Audi belly button at the pool And you're like get this animal out of the fucking public apparently some people have vertical versus horizontal to What do you mean?

Like the way that the doctor sewed it up. Oh, I see what you mean you mean horizontal instead of because mine's like this No, yeah, mine is sideways. Oh Okay, that's okay I don't even know that it would be funny if it would be funny if it was just my belly had just become wide enough to where it stretched out sideways and I was like that's how they stitch it up actually mm-hmm that's why I have a that's why I don't have a six-pack is because of my belly button is forms a large layer over my entire torso Just telling everybody at the pool that like really loud

Yes, why I don't have a six pack is not because I've I drink beer and I have no willpower It's um, so my belly button is really big. I was a really healthy baby I'm all button. So yeah I've got big bones and a big button. You know what I mean? Got a big ass fat ass button Yeah, I fucking Was gonna say god damn it If I would have my kid just I would just have them just take the umbilical cord off the mom And then leave it on my son just having wired up. Yeah

Yeah, no, I would keep blood pumping through it and stuff. Keep it going No way he could that way he or she could Hook up to other moms and and get in charge. It'd be like a Tesla type thing. Oh Okay, I see what you yeah Yeah What if you could hook an umbilical cord up to a boob and siphon milk out that way got breast pump i think it would take away a lot of the discomfort

i think uh... complaints i've heard from mothers is that it's uh... can get uncomfortable after a while sensitive you were telling me about a business you were going to start where you were going to come over to mom's houses and squeeze all the milk out of their boobs for the babies to drink. Yeah, it was called Squeezums. Kind of like how yogurt had the little go-gurt ones for like to have a skateboarding animal

on it, like a cool kid's snack. It was called Squeezums. We didn't get out of the first round of venture funding for some HR stuff. But the vision was basically I was like an on-call doctor and women who couldn't afford the fancy pumps, I would just come over and sort of mash on them and yank on them. And then they would have breast milk for their baby. And it would be done ethically because I don't enjoy doing it. You know what I mean? It's not like a yeah They're gross. Yeah, it's me. Yeah. Yeah, it's not like a perverted like thing for me

It's you know a no a recently pregnant thought that a recently pregnant woman's body Yeah, you know what I mean just fucking just having sucking it out and spit it into a pail. It's gross No, yeah, absolutely terrible. Yeah Now I you know, I have to show up armed Because women are always in danger But that was it that was part of the reason why I like doing with a gun in my head Yeah, let's wait you let the lady know that you don't enjoy it. You know what I mean is it's there's nothing We go P you these things stink

You know what I mean is it's there's nothing we go P you these things stink We did go on shark tank mark Cuban was very mad He was not happy with me the cool black guy was really interested in investing. I don't know why I Don't forget his name Don tell I think maybe or I could be way wrong and that could have just been a very racist thing for me to say but Yeah, anyway, yeah squeeze him was a failed business venture, but yeah You get knocked down you get back up Mm-hmm. I have a thing called spankums. I'm working on. Okay. Well, tell me about it

Well as for if you want to discipline your kid that you want to abuse them But you don't want to spank them yourselves and leave a bad connection there It's where you break into somebody's they it looks like a break-in. It's like you break into their house and spank the kids So the end these were like a black mask and like you dress up like a like a home invader and you just break into The home kick down the door and spank the kids and then leave okay every anytime they act up and it's just an app it's called the spank it app oh so when the kid acts up the parents can just hit like a like a and you'll show up and yeah the parents can just be like oh I think something bad is

gonna happen soon but I don't know what mm-hmm and then through the ceiling you drop in you spank The kid and you leave now is this like? They're gonna naughty naughty child Like anybody suck and they when they what and you suck you say that's oh You suck at drawing You rip up their drawing kick them in the mouth Oh, I don't know and baby J. throw them into this throw them you make them drive foam hmm

Yeah, now can anybody sign up to be a spanker This is like a no it's pretty hard to become a spanker if you want to be on the spank it up You have to have at least 100 years of child raising experience. That seems quite difficult. That seems really... So far we're at zero spankers. Yeah, I mean I feel like you'd have to... We're thinking about lowering it to 85. Yeah, I would say your potential employment sort of recruiting pool would be larger if you weren't just doing centenarians. Maybe if you would... Yeah, but they can, they have the centenarians, it's nice

because they're half horse. Yeah. I don't know man. I think you might be on to something. You might want to take that to Silicon Valley because I have this kind of weird feeling that, you know, society and culture is swinging you know, rightward again, more old school, so corporal

punishment I think. I just have this vision that at some point in the next six months, a thing everyone's going to get really mad about online is spanking in school. I would imagine some schools, in the same way that some places have legalized child labor again, some states in America will probably go back to spanking at the school so you could get like a government contract it could be called spanker.edu I'm just trying to like spit yeah spanker spanker.edu I like that yeah this spanker scholastic where like a state could pay you you know 20 grand and you can get spankers from the local police force

subsidized labor that way. Like a national guard of spankers. And then you could whoop all the kids that are, don't socialize well and, and don't play well with others and, and have emotional problems and stuff like that. You could beat them. Oh wait, how about the stone it app and you recruit stoners to break into the houses and smoke all the kids weed. Mmm okay. Because then the parents can say hey you don't want to bring pot in this house you're gonna attract a pot bug and then all these guys have to dress up like bugs sneak into the house

Smoke all the pot and then beat the fuck out of the kids Just Seth Rogen beating you overhead with a bong Rick and Morty swinging into your temple. He's just dressed like a iridescent beetle Yeah, like one of those like glowing beetles fuck What's those weird fucked up like camps where the parents will pay like 80 grand For like a like to black to have a bunch of guys in vans like black bag their kids and take them into the woods Oh, yeah Like to have a bunch of guys in vans like black bag their kids and take them into the woods. Oh yeah.

But instead of taking them into the woods to teach them life lessons, you just dress up like a big ass iridescent beetle. You smoke all their weed, and you just beat the brakes off of them and leave. They have a Netflix documentary about it, like 10 years later. It was just like, I'm not going to lie. I was having a rebellious streak. And I was smoking weed

but my mom kept talking about this thing called the pot bug and I just, I wrote it off, you know, my dad was always gone at work, he's a real estate agent and then one day I'm just up late on the phone with my girlfriends and an iridescent green beetle comes through, flies through my window, the with the glass and And then just starts beating me up and squeezing me And then after I was bloodied and left in a pile of my floor I watched him smoke an entire eighth to himself and then fall asleep on my floor and he flew out the window again And then my mom comes through the door and I'm bloodied and beaten and she's my baby

But then she says I told you about that pop bug and then'm bloodied and beaten and she's, my baby! But then she says, I told you about that pot bug! And then I look out the window and he's just hovering there. Hovering. Eyes red. Yeah. Yeah, um... Up now in the news, I'm News Anchor, that pot bugs are flying all around America, leaving kids in ruins and smoking up all the

damn reefer and eating all the powdered donuts in the house. I'm News Anchor. I'm News Anchor. And this is Nightly News. This is ABC Channel 7 in Dallas, Fort Worth. My name's News Anchor. In today's nightly news, the pot bug. Some kids have heard of it, some kids haven't, but parents everywhere are trying to tell their children beware of the pot bug. A local company out of Dallas Fort

Worth, a little headquartered in Brooklyn, is trying to teach kids the dangers of marijuana use. The CEO and COO Thomas white is here to tell the story Thomas Well it all started one day when one guy was smoking a big piece of weeds and before he knew it he was on the ground with his teeth in his hand and his weed out of his hand and his weed in The mouth of a bug and the bugs lighter up to the weed and the weed inside of the bugs mouth smoking it and smoking it in and out and it was since then that we've seen over a hundred billions weed bugs pot bugs you could call them as the kids would call them, deployed across America. And all you parents, all you have to do is it's an app on your phones

and it's already downloaded on there. If you have Tmoo, you have you have Potbugs app. It's called Potbugsapp.com and it's a brand new app and you just hit a button big green shiny iridescent button and it should install a new hardware button on the side of your phone is green and All you do is you just tap that button whether it's on purpose or accident and Even it you might press it in your pocket but a big bugs gonna fly through your fucking window

and smoke up all the weed in the house and beat up any kids in there who are smoking on reefer And then he's gonna take all the powdered donuts and fruit snacks, and he's gonna get the munchies real bad and munch on him and And then he's gonna fly away Now have you seen have you guys done any market research, or perhaps any focus group research, to understand the efficacy of the PopBug app? Now, here's my question. While it may seem harsh to smoke all of a young child's

marijuana and then beat them, maybe even perhaps illegal, if it does result in lower marijuana consumption amongst teenagers I'm sure parents would like it have you seen a decrease in any of your clients child's marijuana consumption we've seen a rapid increase in most for most cases we've seen a rapid increase in volume as well as other drugs that they are taking such as methamphetamines opiates Benzodiazepines But

You know We and we're working right now on combating the negative effects of this app With we're gonna do a pill bug Which is gonna look like a roly poly. Sort of a pun there. Of course. And the crack bug, the coke bug. It's the crack bug and the coke bug are interchangeable.

The crack bug is. The crack bug is much meaner. Much, much meaner. Like a wasp and bee situation. Okay, gotcha. Yeah. The crack bug will take your TV. It'll steal the radio out of your car.

The coke bug just tries to start small business plans with you and then stand in. The coke bug is just very annoying. Very grating to be around. And just ask, we'll just ask to borrow money more often than you'd like. Mm-hmm. And we're also doing the.

Do you have a beer bug? With a beer bug, the beer bug comes in and he throws up everywhere Okay, we have special vomiters who will be trained to vomit in your house and beat the shit out of you and and Beat you up real bad and hurt you hurt your kids. Okay So and also he'll drive that he'll drive through the front of the house, the beer bug will. Okay. He'll drive through the front of the house, get out fuming mad and beat the shit out of

everybody and kill everybody in the house. So you're not seeing any success with the pot bug, but you've done a really brilliant genius business maneuver, if you will, where you see an absolute failure and what you set out to achieve But that opens up you disrupt a market that you created and you create more jobs By solving a problem that you failed to fix creating the solution very turbo taxi. I love it Well, I've been I've been news anchor. This has been Thomas of pot bug Yeah, we also have a heroin bug and that annoys you by it flies into your living room and then dies Yeah, it traumatizes you by killing and by dying of an overdose killing itself quietly, yeah

But ecstasy bug that fucks you Yeah, we have an ecstasy bug that sweats all over your couch and fucks you really awesome That one's still in a r&d it tries to lick your teeth and stuff Yeah, yeah tries to hold your hand and now really sort of clammy way too strong away Yeah, and you have to bring in a big jug of water every 10 minutes or it dies. Yeah Yeah, we're still we're still working out the kinks on ecstasy bug But we'll get it figured out Wow. I love doing business. I love being an entrepreneur We also have an acid bug and it stares at you for 12 hours

I also have an acid bug and it stares at you for 12 hours Yeah acid bug actually sort of groans, yeah, it's not he's not that bad of a guy Mushroom bug also pretty chill acid bug come While you're tripping he'll fly through your house and scream the whole time You get kids to stop taking acid yeah, Yeah, and he'll set off the fire alarms. He's going to take out all the batteries for the smoke detectors and the CO2 detectors. Acid bug generates a text from your mom that's really long and you have to read it.

It scares you. Oh my god. The pizza bug starts fucking you. What? And puts pizza inside of you. Oh my god. The pizza bug starts fucking you. What? And puts pizza inside of you. Pizza bug. The pizza bug puts his penis in a marinara sauce and then puts his penis inside of you and kills you with the marinara. Michael Thompson, I work with the DEA. I really like the pot bug, the heroin bug, so on and and so forth But I don't think kids are having a problem with abusing pizza so I first of all I I'm not gonna lie I was with you up until this point. I think this is a very It some might call it strict, but I'm with you on all the bugs, but the pizza bug

First of all kids again don't really have a problem with pizza because I'm just second of all why would the pizza? Bug fuck you and put pizza in your body. I Don't see how that would would change anything. Yeah, I don't really see how that's super relevant But we've also got a poppers bug and it makes you look at a pair of boobs Which would gross those kids out anyway? I think that's all we can think of and we also have a paint bug for sniffing paint and it a jacking off bug for if you're addicted to jacking off it will come and

Suck you off till you're done, but it's still a bug and if you think if you have a Sex memory with a bug that will throw off your jacking off trajectory for a while so memory with a bug that will throw off your jacking off trajectory for a while so And the pizza bug will also show up at the same time and he will fuck you with pizza Well, I'm not gonna lie to you I was I Was skeptical and I still am a little but I think you will help us in decreasing the overall consumption of drugs in our communities and the overall trafficking into our communities. So we're willing as a federal entity to give you $100 trillion, no questions asked, to

make as many bugs as needed to get the job done. Okay. All right. Whatever. I don't care about any of this If you're listening to this we have another bug for you, it's called the patreon bug You're gonna get a patreon comm slash pendejo time and you're gonna want to toss us maybe a dollar Or maybe five dollars or maybe ten dollars a dollar just gets you access to the discord

Nothing else. Cool guys in there. A lot of people I consider my friends in real life hang out in there and they talk all sorts of cool stuff. Five bucks a month gets you access to that Discord plus a backlog of bonus episodes and a bonus episode every week. 10 bucks a month gets you all that previously

I've mentioned a bullshit plus a video episode. We do make free video episodes. Those are out on YouTube, Pendejo Time Worldwide. We've got shorts and clips and sketch and all of our video episodes are up there. Check out that shit. I add that there are some shirts left. If you go, we have the link. Shopify, Pendejo Time. We have the Killer Guy Life shirts are back up. We do not have very many left. We're low on sizes.

I think we've got mostly XLs and the rest are pretty low. I have shipped. I have shipped everything out. If you did not receive your Killer Guy Life shirt and you bought one, message me on either Instagram, Jake Rhodes and a bunch of ones or message me I guess I don't know if you can message me on Twitter message me on Instagram if you mission a shirt and I will I know that some guys had messaged me on discord and said that they did not receive their shirts so if

you did not get one message me on discord or Instagram and I'll get it worked out thanks for listening to you to us to me and Thomas bye