Pendejo Time - the sad story of arthur bleefold

Episode Date: March 31, 2022

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Pull it out, we're pulling it out of our, we're slobbering it up and pulling it out. And we're pulling this episode out of our ass. It's got liquid. It's got liquid, it's got lube, we're lubed up. And, you know, we're ready to fucking, we're ready to rock. I got my Astro Glide on, I put my condom on for this. Yeah, condoms are so kinky. Dude, honestly, like, a buddy of mine told me that he fucked

his wife with a condom on because they don't want to have kids yet and i was like you guys are crazy in the bedroom yeah real freaky with it yeah i can't even think about that stuff no i don't for people no it's, it's not good to talk about. It honestly, like, taints and corrupts your soul a little bit, too. Dude, don't you hate it when you're spending so much money on condoms? I do. Well, because I have so much, like, crazy, just, like, orgy sex that I have. Yeah, you really do.

You're really sexually active. Yeah, I'm very sexually active. And you have a lot of partners as well yeah i have a ton of partners uh the sex community is so creative and bold creative and bold and it's and there's there's young there's so many young creatives there's so many yeah dude you know like in this industry you know you really got to let like old dogs know, you really got to let, like, old dogs lie. And you really want to bring in, like, fresh, nubile talent. There's so many new people making a name for themselves in this industry. There are so many.

And what do you do? You just, when you see a cocoon, do you step on it? Do you tell that little caterpillar, don't spread your wings and fly. Don't be a butterfly like you're meant to be. No. You sit there and watch it. You watch it grow. You sit there and you watch.

You sit there day and night and you watch that little baby little worm. Yeah. And you watch it spin a web around itself. And then fly away, little birdie. Fly away. They're sucking and fucking with new moves and new, you know. I've been making new connections with sex creatives on a daily basis. Yeah.

You know, Kinked In. Are you on Kinked In? Yeah. That's where we do all of our connecting with uh with young sexual creatives it's on the deep web uh if anybody's interested you kind of need like a vpn and a passcode to access it but uh basically what it is is it connects you with young virile uh you know creatives in the sexual industry that are really looking to make a name for themselves they're really looking to challenge old paradigms that's what chapo had us on yeah well because chapo you know they

they're a part of the the old guard and they need you know they were like look i got a couple young bucks with their you know they're polished up they're they're bald they're nubile and they uh and they're limber too and that was something that will let me know is you're so limber man yeah i remember him telling you that yeah yeah he did and then you tell him you don't tell anybody yeah well you know it's but no one listens to this show so i feel like this is like a diary for you and me yeah to just sort of bear our souls bear our creative sexual souls uh and it's and it's you know it's important that because if you're trying to enter entering the world of politics is a lot like entering the sex world you know when you enter a woman's womb

it's like ink to pen yeah as the nightingale flies across the scarlet sky. That's so true, man. You know who said that? Who? Yours truly. Yours truly. Signed, a bold, vast individual, unbound, bisexual, and creative limit. You know, if you think of society as like bondage chains, you know, and you think of your sexual energy and prowess as you fighting against those chains, and the world's trying to fuck you.

But you want to fuck the world. You don't want to be bound. So you have to gnaw at your restraints, and you have to fight against the world that wants to keep your sexual energy repressed. And as young men, we have to express our sexual energy with strangers we have to let people know that you know like we're alphas and we have to let people know that we're horny you got to go to a lady on the bus and you're gonna be like i fucking love just pound and mound dude i'd fucking love you know you know sometimes even the oldest bush must let its rose buds sway in the wind. The oldest bush sometimes yields the sweetest fruit. And I've wanted to tell you this for a long time, Jake. Okay. But you and I are starlight, chained to a comet, bound by eternity to float around this crazy, sexy, adventurous world.

Right. I wrote that in my journal for you. I honestly am really glad that you wrote that and you told that to me. It's part of one of the books I send to your house i love those books i know you do my favorite one is thomas's uh tantalizing tales that's the one where you wrote about uh was it about my sexual adventures it was you save the uh young creative princess uh from herto-five job using only your sexual cunning and power. And you teach her all sorts of new sexual moves, and then you kill her after.

I really like that ending. I think a big part of what I bring to this podcast is sexual prowess and expertise. Right. Because I have the most gentle hand, but when guided, it can be mighty as the southern wind you can i'm like an ox you know you can put anything on my back yeah you know i can bear any load yeah and for miles you know you're the ox and i'm i'm sort of the workhorse

you know i you know i'm not a racehorse you know i'm not the prett and I'm sort of the workhorse. You know, I'm not a racehorse. You know, I'm not the prettiest horse in the stable. I'm not the fastest horse in the stead. But sometimes the scruffiest horse can provide the hardest kicks. Yeah. Yeah, you know. Isn't that right, Jake? That's such a beautiful way to put it, man.

You know, I've been writing a lot of poetry. Yeah. I have an inkwell, as many do, and it's filled not only with ink, but the blood of my many lovers. And sorrow, I would seem as though that you're filled with so much sorrow. It also has a feather in it for writing, for writing my poems and novels that i think about the way that oil

sits on top of water you know or the other way around you think about that oil sits on top of water right do you think about the sex like that's your sexual – the oil is your sexual prowess and your expertise. And the water is your sorrow. And there's more water than oil, but the oil is stronger and it's thicker. It's more – And that's why it's the top. Right. A lot of young men, they come to us and they ask us, how can we be more sexually aggressive?

How can I be a sexual beast, an animal? How can I prove to women my worth? And we just tell them, you know, you have to make the first move and you have to be quiet. You have to be like a cat. You have to, you know, you want to get to know this woman first. So you're going to want to watch where she goes. You're going to want to watch the things that she does where she works to get an understanding of who she is but you can't be seen when you're doing this that's a part of the cunning that's a part of the sexual mystique

that's a part of the prowess this is classic chapter two thomas's tantalizing tales you know the sometimes the most beautiful antelope is the most important one to hide yourself from. Gotta love that one. I love that one. That's like that epilogue. Think of yourself. You're a sexual lion. You, your job, as mighty as you may be,

is to prowl. Right. And this is an alpha trait. It is. This is what we were born to do. Hiding in trash cans, like Oscar the Grouch. Stopping women.

Hiding in your car. Mm-hmm. In their car. Hiding, hiding in the trunk of your car while it's parked. You park it at night. You work at Sephora. You go out to Sephora.

And then you lock yourself in the trunk in the morning rush hour. People are always thinking about themselves. This is a human trait. You think about yourself, where you go, what you do do who you meet right who you make love to correct you bang on your car trump from the inside and you say help i'm a sexual creature in need and before you know it you are going to have hundreds maybe thousands of people caring for you, tending to you. Right. Every need you could think of.

Right. And yes, I mean every need. Every need. Can be taken care of in your Honda Accord. Right. That morning. You know, one of the, in your, Thomas's titillating techniques, in your sexual technique book you sent me.

Chapter three. Chapter three. techniques uh in your sexual technique book you sent me um you said three chapter three you discuss um the way of the lion the way of the sexual lion and you know one of my favorite parts of that book is when you you talk about uh you know how we talk with often we speak badly of the boomers of our previous generation but they understood the way of the sexual lion and they understood that it's it's normal to stand outside of a woman's apartment window with her blinds open and and she might not initially appreciate it but she will grow to understand that you do you know you mean well you're here to prove yourself to her you know you can build a bird a nest it doesn't mean it'll go to it right away exactly and and if you take that nest away then the bird comes to you for for guidance and so what i really like about that quote from

thomas's titillating tales and techniques is is that you you realize that the woman is the bird and you're the nest but you could also be the bird and you can also be the tree you can you can also be the tree. You can. You can. And if you want, you can be the fence next to the tree. You could be the house. You could be the worm, the lowly grub worm. You could be a different tree. Watching. Learning. Learning from the other tree's mistakes how you could better hold a nest.

Right. Because once you have that nest, you never let it go. hold a nest right because once you have that nest you never let it go even if it moves to a different city changes its phone number gets married security number yeah moves into wit sec you know yes well birds birds you know to capture a falcon you know you really have to understand the way of the wind and that's one of my favorite quotes from from your thomas's techniques book and you got to be the wind you can't be you know you can't you can't be an unseen force you have to be a force that's tangible so you have to let even even when the hawk flies away the wind follows the hawk and the hawk uses the wind to fly so you have to be the falcon's wind you have to be the falcons wind you have to be the woman's force

and you have to let her know that no matter where she goes the wind follows you know uh you can go to a fancy barber get your hair to get your head shaved you know you can get different color contact lenses you know you can uh get a social security card from the FBI. But the problem is that the wind can't be tamed or broken down or even imprisoned. You can slow the wind down a little bit, but the wind's going to blow, baby. And it's going to come for you. And you can't stop the wind. And that was something that I tried to pass on.

I'm a young man, again, who reach out for guidance to say, Hey, you know, the podcast helps me so much. It helps me learn, you know, how to talk to people. Helps me learn to be a better man. Helps me learn to be a smarter man because the podcast,

if anything is educational and informational in nature. That's what we're here for. We're here to put our hands on you. Yeah. In a way that no one has ever done before and guide you. Think of us as we're teaching you a golf stroke. I'm right behind you, and I've got my lips right next to your ear, and I'm guiding you through the swing. And if you mess up, it could be a bad mistake.

It could. Oscar Wilde once wrote a poem you know i'm a big oscar wilde guy you love him i i in many ways i modeled most of my life after people that he knew correct yeah and oscar wilde once said, while eagle flies with mighty wing, deep in cave the lion sings. And that really stuck with me as a child because growing up, I did, you know, often we were going from cave to cave. Right. And when your cave. The cave systems in Fort Worth are dangerous, by the way. You wouldn't know. When your cave gets too deep. Right. And when your cave... The cave systems in Fort Worth are dangerous, by the way.

You wouldn't know about that. When your cave gets too deep... Right. Sometimes you can barely even hear the lion sleep. But when your cave... When rocks do ring, that's when you hear the lion sing. Rocks do ring. That's when you hear the lion sing.

You know, from caves, you start, and it's a cave that you seek, the cave of a young, creative woman. In a way, every woman is a cave. Correct. A place of refuge. Right. Dark. Stinky.

Empty. Often, there's nothing at the end of the tunnel cobwebs you know many times moist you are not the first to discover a cave nope and that doesn't mean that it can't be a new cave to you correct and that is such an important you know man that's something that we try to impart on the young fellas and the young men who listen to our show is that if you find yourself a nice you know

cave with a good job and maybe she likes to party a little too much and maybe you're not the first guy to spelunk in that cave but it is your turn to go caving

so take what you can get you know take what you can get you know life is a lot like poker right So take what you can get. You know, take what you can get. Life is a lot like poker. Right. You can never win if you fold every round just because another man's laid a bet down.

Right. You know, and maybe you don't got the biggest bet or even the biggest ante, but you can do your best to get in the panties you know jake that reminds me of a poem uh this one uh who wrote this one? Bleifold. Arthur Bleifold. Arthur Bleifold. Yes. He was a poet from the United England.

And way back in the 1800s, back in the medieval times, he wrote a poem about the nature of a woman's love right and i'd like to i'd like to deliver it to you i would love for you to deliver that poem to me a woman's touch is full of love and there you go your hand in glove and though we part like angels wings we live in heaven and we wear the rings and wedding rings we wear upon the wedding finger that's big and strong and like a pigeon on a bridge in the cave is where we live but in the cave there is a grump. He only eats breakfast and never lunch. And when it's lunchtime, what does he do?

He only drinks water. He eats no food. The food he eats tastes like a bug. And he's never comfy. He owns no rug. He owns no lamp. And he owns no curtains. And he wears no hats.

He only wears a turban. I don't know what the meaning of that poem was But I think it's open interpretation As we both know I didn't write it Right That was Arthur Bleifeld The Arthur did Yeah the Arthur Bleifeld Well you know I would like to think

Of course the cave is you know the cave of a woman And the grump is You know whatever mental or emotional disorders that she struggles with, you know. Because sometimes women don't eat lunch. Sometimes they just drink water and they get a headache and they don't feel good. Most women don't own rugs. They don't own rugs. And women love.

They want you to think they do, but they don't. They love turbans. Women wear them a lot. We wear them out of the shower. We actually don't know where that came from, line well you know some scholars we think it may have been a microfiber towel he was talking right a microfiber towel they wear on their head after the shower that's that is what a lot of scholars of bleefold um would like to would like to say you know it's not for interpretation as you said but i the reason i like bleefold's work is because he you know

at the time he was being persecuted by the germans uh for being jewish in the medieval 1800s and uh you know as a jewish man he didn't get to go in a lot of caves right they weren't allowed they weren't allowed and and women sort of spit at them in the street. Especially in the cave. Especially in the cave. And not for any anti-Semitic reasons, for my knowledge. But Bleifeld doesn't really touch on this too much. Probably a sore subject for Mr. Bleifeld.

He took it like a champ. He took it like a champ, and he wrote some of the best poetry. But I don't think he ever was able to really capture his sexual prowess and his sexual energy i that's why i like our sort of neo-bleefled right approach we are neo-bleefledists for sure way for sure and and in order to like sort of synthesize bleeffeld's work and provide sort of context for the modern day. You know, you have to think about the grump as SSRIs, birth control. Right. A poor diet of your average young woman, you know. Because women who are on birth control are basically animals.

Right. In a good way. Yeah, in a good way. Or in a good way yeah uh yeah i mean yeah in a good way i don't know we're in a bad way i'm not trying to get political depending on whatever you think is depending on what you ever whatever you think is funny and however you you know uh and interesting you know it's up for interpretation um but that's the grump and and you know you told me that you had a bleakfold poem that you had been studying and memorizing i don't know if he'd memorized it yet yeah so it here's the thing it's from his early years uh this was when he was in a primary school and he was going

through a really tough time because his uh father uh as you know, was eaten on a hunting trip by a fox. And his mother was sort of like a broodmare for the state. So he had about 50, 60 siblings, and he didn't get a lot of love. So let me pull up one of Bleifel's first poems. I'm so glad that the Bleifel Institute in Sydney, Australia, was able to pull this one up. Right. They had to build it in Australia.

There wasn't room in the United England because it's so big. It's so small there. It's so big in Australia, though. So big. It's huge. It's half the world. But I got it pulled up here. Let me read it for you here this one is called um an ode to mama oh mama i love you so

your hair is soft and your skin doth glow oh papa you go? Eaten by a fox and no one knows. I think of you fondly from time to time in iambic pentameter and song and rhyme. Mama works in town and makes plenty of children. I don't know my brothers or sisters and I remain bewildered I wish I had a mama that wasn't a whore I wish I had a papa that was not a bore I wish that my uncle would play with me more I wish that my auntie would take me to the store I love to go to the store and get plenty of sweets i love pastries and cookies and toffees and treats but the thing i love most and the thing i hold dear

is some yummy wheat toast and a glass of root beer wow now jake i could tell you're getting choked up during that because i was i was because it it means a lot it does it does and i'm glad we have this platform this space this creative deeply sexual space to share arthur bleefold's deepest works you know it's it's a lot of people might say you know they might take like a psychoanalyst approach to bleefold's deepest works you know it's it's a lot of people might say you know they might take like a psychoanalyst approach to bleefold and say well his life was clearly so bad and terrible that no wonder that he never got to you know um go into the cave as we should right he didn't they didn't let him there right but in a way i think his his early life you know with his prostitute mother and his father that got eaten

on a hunting trip i think it it may have made him more attuned to the sexual energies of the world but but because of his jewish nature he could not you know ever fulfill it so that's what made him such a great sexual creative is he could never unleash the lion he was more of like a tamed you know like a circus lion if that makes sense right right is there any do you think that if bleefold could do you think if bleefold was here today you know what would he say about the the sexual creative industry and the young men and women entering their sexual primes? I think it would go a little something like this. And as you know, he only spoke in rhyme. Right.

And also often half rhyme and sometimes not quite rhyming. Right. He only spoke in poetry and sometimes not quite rhyming. Right. He only spoke in poetry and prose. Correct. Correct. So this is not a direct quote from him, but him living deeply inside of me. Right. Bursting out from the sea.

You're channeling Bleefold here. Right. It's giving Bleefold. It's giving Bleefold and it's serving Arthur. That's what we'll call this one. Right. Right. It's giving Bleefold. It's giving Bleefold and it's serving Arthur. That's what we'll call this one. Right. Right. A big mighty wolf is handsome as ever.

His paws are so big and his mind is so clever. His nose is so wet, it makes mine wet too. But he has great big paws, so he cannot wear shoes. A big mighty wolf is what I'd like to be. I'd swim in a lake. I'd live in a tree. I'd fly all around like big nice wolves do But I could not use staples

And I could not buy glue I'd run all around with my pack full of mares And my mighty wolf wife She could cannot go upstairs. Because way upstairs is where I keep my bones. You can't touch those things. Please leave them alone. On bones I must chew, both night and on day.

On bones I must chew, both night and on day. And I love to walk, on sand and on clay. I love to eat meat, yum yummy yum yum. I love to eat beef, ooh great, on my tongue. I slurp up the water from lake and from sea. Sea, correct. I wish I could fly

like a wolf or a bee. I wish I could flitter. Boy, I wish I could flutter. I wish I could run faster. And churn some big butter. I cannot churn butter. No, Wolfie, no, no.

I can't buy no camera. No, Wolfie, photos. I love to take baths. Yay, yay, by the creek. I watch all my children and kiss Uncle Sleep. It's time to go to bed now. Bye, Wolfie, bye-bye. I go to my kid's room.

Give Wolfie high five Say hi Junior Wolfie You did wolf school today? He say no wolf school daddy Nay nay nay nay nay I go to wolf daughter She growls at me I say Wolfie daughter did you brush your hair?

She says, no, no, Papa. I hate Wolfie school. I wish I was cooler. No, Wolfie cool, cool. I say, Wolfie daughter, let's go for a swim. She says, Wolfie father, I'm not slender slim. I say, there's no need to be awful skinny. You must eat your bones or turn to a ninny.

You must be a wolf that is big and strong so that you can run for a very long, long, and be a strong wolf is what we must do, although we have paws and cannot wear shoes. I think it would go something like that. I think, you know i think bleefold if he was here today standing i think he would be crying i think he would be crying and weeping and pissing a little bit because you know he could never growing up in poverty and living in

abject poverty getting spit on in the street and never getting any pussy. And he couldn't go in the cave either. Couldn't go in the cave. Bleifold, you know, he would never have thought that 700 years later that his words would live on in a show like this. You know, that there would be such a bevy, such a fucking harem, such a litany, a myriad, a plethora of sexually energetic young creatives. Arthur Bleifold was a sexual miracle. He was a sexual miracle and he never would have expected so many sexual young creatives willing to engage and consume his

work. Because, you know, as you know, Arthur Bleifeld, he spent so much time in prison persecuted for his Jewish body and mind and uh and it was there that he wrote his most one of his most famous some even might call his magnum opus poem uh the caged bird sings softly have you have you ever read this one have not, but could you refresh me?

I could absolutely refresh you. Caged Bird Sings Softly by Arthur Bleifeld, written from United England, Major Prison, 1843. Wow. It's so amazing, before I start, it's so amazing that we can just have these documents from Mr. Bleifeld. Right. I won't stand on ceremony or leave you waiting any longer. A Caged Bird Sings Softly by Arthur Bleifeld. In a prison I rot on a stinky old cot.

A thief I am not not although i cannot be bought i am an ugly man and my body is soft although i broke no laws in prison i rot people despise me for my ways The way I sneak The way that I am slinky They don't like my shoes Because they're very stinky They don't like my teeth For they're yellow and gray

They get mad at me With their kids I do play I teach them new rhymes And I teach them new rhymes and I teach them new stories. Their names are so different. From Ashley to Corey. They follow me around and say, Hey stinky man.

What is that there that you have in your hand? I show them my hand and in they do see toffees and sweets and little candies. I give them their candies and they go right to bed. On the hillside is where they lay their little head. The sheriff doesn't know and their parents mustn't find out that I've kept all these children and I make them all pout they cry and they weep

and they stutter and stumble in my prison in the hills where the walls do crumble I show them cool tricks like how to do stretches. I feed them all poison and it makes them all wretched. Then I send them back home to their parents to play. They sprint and they run and in their beds they do lay and their parents they cry and they weep. Well, what happened? What happened?

And now I'm in prison of my own and I'm napping. I'm a caged bird in jail. And I've done my fair share of time. I cannot wait to be free so I can create some more rhymes. It is I, Arthur Bleefold, I'll shout from the roof, and I'll get on a big horse, and he'll gallop with his hoofs. But my sentence isn't over so here i will stay arrested for being jewish and ugly and gay a caged bird sings softly by arthur bleefold wow that took me from the inside and ripped me apart

it did you know and and a lot of people might read that and they think, well, Arthur Bleifel deserves to be in jail. He was clearly a pedophile of some sort. He never did anything. If you listen to the story, he didn't do anything wrong. A lot of people think metaphors are real. Right. And this is one of the main things that poets from Arthur Bleifeld to Roman Polanski have suffered from. Right, right.

Chuck Palin. Is people not understanding metaphors. Right. They say, oh, you know, he did all those terrible things. He poisoned children. He taught them how to stretch. It's like, okay, well, you know what's in your child's food today? 500 years later?

Poison. And what do you tell them to do when they wake up in the morning? Get a big stretch in. So if you want to go by that logic, then you're just as guilty as Arthur Bleifeld of what? I think people are too harsh on Mr. Bleifeld. I think people, I don't think people have heard enough of this guy. I think, you know what, I think you and me could probably do,

we could probably tell about 25 more minutes of the story of Mr. Bleifeld. Right, I think we could. Right. And I think people would enjoy that. I think they would really enjoy. So, correct me if i'm wrong bleefle did marry but he never was a sexual sexually active man uh his wife and marie bleefle she wasn't a poet but she was a musician. She played the lute.

She played the organ. She played the hell out of the lute. She played such a good lute. Now, Arthur Bleefold wasn't sexually active in terms of intercourse, coitus, or even the classic reach around. But he was known for everyday activities, from walking to singing to drinking a glass of water. Everything was a sexual activity to him. It was like chi. It was his energy. It drove him.

Right. And I think that's important to note with regards to his legacy right and something that i think would be you know the problem i think you and me are we're sort of rare in in this that as sexual young creatives we appreciate the classics you know we do we you know a lot of people get caught up with the new stuff you know right new stuff's fine rupee rupee paul or whatever rupee paul um you know rupee paul uh you know who there's no we know all the poets there's no need to name all of them. Bumbly Bella, you know, the TikTok star, you know. And TikTok is a very sexually creative place. It is.

It is. I think that's – I suspect that's partially what it was created for in a way. I do suspect that, you know, the Chinese and their sort of opportunistic minds, their industrious minds. The Chinese are an inherently sexual people. Right. Some people think they're sort of sexless creatures. But I would say that that's racist. And I would say that that's—

Yeah, I wouldn't say that. I would say that that's wrong. Right. Chinese, first of all, there's so many of them. Clearly, there's so many of them clearly you know there's so clearly there's so many of them they're very sexual you know what china translates to in english what is that um when you take the characters um because there's over 10 chinese characters there's so Translates directly to Vibe Nation. Right, right.

And that's kind of, I feel like mentally that's something we can, and spiritually, that we can strive toward. Right. I mean, the Vibe Dynasty of 2003. It's a country, it's a land, a motherland of sorts built on vibes. Right. it's a country it's a land a motherland of sorts built on vibes right and that sort of sexual creative energy coursing through the mountains ravines rivers streams valleys big ass fields yeah um that creates a culture well you know what was who was one of the first politicians and cults of personalities to bring arthur bleefold to the people of china was mao zedong and mao zedong was a was a huge fan of arthur bleefold uh he would make you know the the hooty tooty fresh and fruity wealthy

children read bleefold in the fields uh yeah and that was sort of the the you know the way the cultural revolution got kicked off yeah and that's why you know it's why he named his son mal bleefeld right right arthur bleefeld named his son mal bleefeld no mal arthur named his son arthur mal but that was unrelated unrelated because it was before mal that was in the United England, so they do things differently. The Communist Revolution of United England, correct. And one thing I love about communists, I'm not trying to get political here at all, is that they are sexually creative and powerful,

but some might argue a little too sexually creative and powerful but some might argue a little too sexually creative and powerful this whole conversation is really believable to ask yeah because he argued that the most sexually driven uh aspect of any functional society is politics right you know it all starts at the top but all politicians are very sexy people right right it's you you had showed me a poem by arthur bleefold i think about politics do you remember that well i i would love to share that one with you i do remember but i would love for you to share uh the bleefold uh the bleefold poem about well it was sort of his ode to united england oh his ode to united england how could i forget you really do you really think i know it's overdone

and i know it's cliche but some of our listeners might not have heard it i don't want to push this agenda on people you know but i guess if i have to yeah it's it's it would be i think people are asking for it i think they're and who am i to deny uh an encore right correct. This is Arthur Bleifold's, and pardon me, my memory might be a little rough here, but it's not that rough because I read it in my sleep sometimes. This is Arthur Bleifold's ode to the United England.

Oh, United England, with your walls made of brick And your walls made of stone And your walls made of sticks May your walls stay as strong As the great river Timmy And your days stay so long And your name stays Jimmy and you go to the store to

buy United England products and you buy some raw chicken and then you buy raw ducks. and then you buy raw ducks. You go buy some flour to make speckled ham with your mother-in-law, Pimity Pam. And you wear England shoes and go to England feast and you see England nephew,

England uncle, England niece, and you drive your England Chevy, roll England caprice, and you go England church, United England England priest. And we live in our towns and our life gay and merry. And we have two good friends. England Tim, England Harry. Oh mighty United England with your rivers so runny and your pim-pams and pa-pas, your mimmies and sunnies, with your mountains so medium, and your hills tall as stars, and your words, you're repeating them, and your mouth's big and large.

With our big England teeth, so shiny and brown, here we live, United England, United England city place town. That was... That was United England. God, I love a good United england reading uh it's you know it's there's nothing to match that energy you know um you know people don't patriotism is

on the decline in in this country in a lot of different places people aren't proud for a lot of different reasons a lot of different reasons uh and that's why I love the politics, Paul. So Arthur Bleifeld's cousin, Eric Bleifeld, was an assassin for a shadowy sort of anti-government group in United England called the Big Boys. The Big Boys, yeah. You may may remember them you may remember them from the united from history books right the big boys they were trying to kill the the king of united england um tom tom and yeah tom tom the terrible and uh no relation to thomas of course and uh so when eric when arthur's cousin eric was captured, he was hung upside down and they pelted his body with rocks until he died. And so Arthur, sort of saddened by this death of his cousin who sort of went astray, wrote this poem called The Big Boy's Dismay. Wow.

I've heard of it for sure. I've definitely heard of this poem. I think I've read it before, but Jake, I tell you what, I just can't seem I just can't seem to remember it. Well, so it's worth

noting that the poem, only partial fragments of it was found. Actually, the last page of the poem has not been found. But I have a first edition copy of the poem here in front of me if you would like for me to read it. You know, let me think about it for five seconds. I'd like you to read it. I would love to read it for you. This is what many might call a letter pleading King Tom the Terrible of United England

to free Eric Bleifeld from prison. He wrote it as a poem, as Arthur's wont to do. Yes. The big boy's dismay. My cousin Eric, he was slender and fast. When he was picked for sports, he was first and never last. He was a smart boy with muscles and speed. He could fulfill every desire as well as every need. The townsfolk loved

Eric. He was limber and strong. He was good at sports, and he could write a nice song. But Eric grew up sad. He grew up a little gray. And so I wrote this for him and the king, the big boys dismay. When Eric joined the big boys at first, they scoffed. Who is this man? He is not strong. He is soft. We had heard of you, Eric, your speed and your strength. We had heard of your girth.

We had heard of your length. But all we see before us is a gray and sad man. Eric stood proudly and opened his hand. And it was a gun! A big old pistol with a black trigger. The last page seems to be cut off. I don't know. That's the whole poem. That's all that we have. Wow. That's all that we have?

That was the last... I hope one day we find it, but there's really no telling what was on that last page. There's no telling at all what was on that last page. I wish we knew. I wish we could even theorize what it was, but we can't. I'm crying so hard I'm laughing

because I wish to God that I knew what was on that last page. I really wish. I really wish we had that last page. Lost to the sands of time. You know in the history books what became of old Eric, but you don't know Arthur's story and how he portrayed it. What could have happened with that trigger? Yeah.

There's really no even theorizing on it. We just don't know. There's none, you know. Yeah, I'm really glad you brought this into my fold. I'm happy to do that for you, Thomas. Because the way I've been opened up over the last 45 minutes or so has been captivating, to say the least. Bleafold, above all else say what you will about the man's

alignments with the masonic temple say what you will about his his later years ties to pedophilic rings well alleged you know alleged yeah tied to poetry clubs you know. Right. The man above all else was a lover. And a sexual creative. He was. He was. And I think that he really brought that out while talking about his cousin in that poem.

Right. You know, I think at that point in Arthur's life, I think he felt that he failed young Eric, you know. Because while Arthur was a poor man, he was a man that abided by the law. And Eric, you know, he hung out with so many seedy individuals. The big boys, you know, I understand and sort of sympathize with their mission. But, you know, he hung around a bad crowd. And because of it, he was executed by the state. But I feel like Arthur may have felt that he could have guided Eric a bit better, kept him away from pistols and things like that. And the thing is, he had so many cousins like that.

Right. Across history books. Yeah, there was Chaotic Kyle. Chaotic Kyle. The anarchist who... So he got the daughter of the king pregnant, because Chaotic Kyle was very sexual, and a very young sexual

creative he got her pregnant when he was 11 years old yeah and she was what 56 56 yeah she was 56 and you know at that time that i mean that was just sort of what you know you and and that was expected yeah you know back in the ages, women couldn't get pregnant until late into their 60s. And 11-year-old boys had the most virile semen. Right. And I just wish we had more poems about his cousins. research on Bleefeld at the United England University of Literature and Philosophy that you found a poem that he had written about Chaotic Kyle. Oh, I completely forgot about this until just now, Jake.

well so so if i'm you told me that he wrote it um when kyle was fleeing from the nights of of terrible tom's uh sort of round table and he was stowed away under the floorboards of of bleefold's home and they would have these little conversations chaotic kyle and arthur and arthur incorporated some of these conversations you know what how about this i will be chaotic kyle and you will be arthur and and and you and we can relay to the lovely people how some of their fight some of their the words that they shared in this terrible time uh was it each each of them doing two lines at a time the poem is rusty right yeah so so it would be you know so they could have to speak very short hushed two line sentences that rhymed and and that's how they talk to each other i remember now right are you being kyle I am Chaotic Kyle. You're Arthur Bleefeld. I love my dear cousin.

Yes, he is called Kyle. He loves to go loco with crazy man style. Hey, Cousin Arthur. It's good to see you Under your house stinks A big big PU A big big PU Oh this will go south

Stay Stay out of here Kyle Go back to your pouch. I don't live in a pouch. I live in a hut. I walk around naked. All the bugs chew my butt. They all chew your butt.

Yes, it must be real itchy. But I am a country man go back to the city if i go back to the city i will surely be killed by terrible tom's knights and they will surely be thrilled to find my limp body in the middle of the street. All bloody and beaten. And covered in sleet. Covered in sleet and rain and in snow. Oh, chaotic Kyle. You've been a bad hoe. But been a bad hoe or rake or a shovel. Oh, chaotic Kyle, I want none

of your trouble. Everyone hates me because I fucked the king's daughter. I tried to fuck the king's brother. He was a little hotter. He had a nice bod and he

showed me how to sew. He tied up my private parts in a pretty little bow. A pretty little bow but we remain in the present. And Chaotic Kyle,

while you may not be pleasant, you've been busting out and sucking and fucking and I know you give mouth in exchange for Robitussin. You've been busting out and sucking and fucking. And I know you give mouth in exchange for Robitussin. Sometimes I do. Sometimes I don't. Sometimes I go to the store.

Sometimes I don't. The king will find me there and he'll give me a wedgie he'll slap on my penis he'll slap my little heady he'll say why'd you fuck my daughter and give her a child? I do not like you, Kyle. You're chaotic and wild. Oh, chaotic and wild. I've heard all that crap. You've touched every breast, node, and lump on the map.

You've squeezed every butt, every lump, every chode. You've taken all rods and all sorts of loads. You've cummed and you've blasted. You've sucked and you've blown. You've touched and you've choked and you've sucked and you've sewn and you've licked and you've slobbered, you've gobbled, you've grown. You've grown into this man. And you're back here and home.

While all this is true, I am quite sullen. I'm sad and I'm lonely. And they're going to cave my skull in. I'm only 11. And I do fear a lot. That I won't go to heaven.

And in hell I will rot. For fucking the king's daughter. And giving her a boy. Who cannot read or write. Who doesn't play with toys. His head is shaped weird. and people do mock him they go up behind him and punch him and sock him he loves to get socked and loves to get rocked i bought a guitar and i bought a lot of things i don't need. But I tell you what I do. I need a big hug, a grab and kiss from you.

You're my cousin, Kyle, and will always be. And I have your social security number tattooed on my sleeve. And also on my chest and back and bottom of my feet kyle it's been too long since two cousins got to meet i must go now i hear the night's coming they want to wrestle me and play with my tummy. They want to kill me and beat me up, too. So to you I say goodbye, cousin, and toodaloodaloo. I love that one. I love it so much.

That was a really good one. I love it a lot. I'm surprised we both remembered that much of it, honestly. I'm surprised as well. And, you know, the story of Bleefold is a sad one. And his family was sort of mired in controversy and, you know, sad stories, tragedy. Yeah, nothing funny about any of it. No, not at all.

But I'm glad that we got to discuss him today on the free episode of our show. And I'm glad that, you know, we could bring a little bit of a bleepful joy that's what i mean at the end of the day what more can you ask for in your life than bringing a bit of bleepful joy into the common man's life that's all i just you know that's the most you can ask for in this world um you know i think i think that uh bleepful if he was alive today, would want anybody listening to subscribe to the Patreon. He probably would. And I think he would also say some other things for at least a minute.

He would. Maybe he would write a poem about subscribing to the show. Right. I wonder how that would rhyme. I wonder how it would go. I wonder how it would lull. I wonder how it would flow. I wonder if you have feet and fingers and toes.

If you have your fingers and they are on your hands, pull out your computer and take a little glance. At patreon.com slash pandejo time, if you liked all of our riddles and you loved all of our rhymes, please toss us five dollars

so we can go to the bank. And then I can go to Jake's house and spank. And spank him till his little boy cheeks are red and hit him with bottles on the back of his head. And when he wakes up, he asks where he is. And I said, I don't know. This is just where I live.

We look each other in the eye and we tell no more lies to all of our listeners goodbye