Pendejo Time - The Thomas Promise (Audio Only)

Episode Date: December 19, 2025

And thats the Thomas Promise, baby.  watch the video ep here  sub to the show please  get tickets for Philly 

Hey guys, it's Kamel Anjiani. My new stand-up special Night Thoughts is now streaming on Hulu. I promise you're gonna laugh. I am an immigrant. Are there any other immigrants here? Okay, what you can't do is point at someone else. My Thoughts is now streaming on Hulu

and Hulu on Disney Plus for bundle subscribers. Terms apply. That wasn't my call. If it was my call, terms would not apply, but it's not my call. Terms apply. supply three two one oh and we're back and yeah he's been a long time been long time since you've seen the two the two big dogs together it's been a long time we shouldn't left you without a dope pot to step two without what like rock him oh right okay got you okay break down the cane make it more so only head shots not a minute you're

So I think that's Conway Or Benny the Butcher And one of those guys Yeah, yeah, yeah Nice I like when he wraps And he's like I sell crack cocaine

And I got my face Shot with a gun And I'm like Yeah me too Yeah me too You know I used to fall skateboarding sometimes Yeah

It hurt my knees Yeah sometimes I stub my toe at night And I get really mad And I say a bunch of stuff I shouldn't say I get really bad allergies And it makes my voice hurt And I have to take two medicines for it.

Yeah, sometimes when I go up flights of stairs, my heart beats like I ran a 10K. It beats it like 145. Yeah. You know. Sometimes I get heart palpitations from soda. Mm-hmm. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Nothing like that.

I woke up this morning with a really quick heart rate. But that was probably because of the beer and the pizza. And then only eating sushi. and staying up late and getting lost and um taking sleeping pills and uh what else um having an incredible show that i remember the entirety of by the way another win in the book another classic win in the book um uh oh here my i'm going to go pick up a beautiful dress for my uh beautiful wife to be soon So I have to make it all the way to Union Square And I don't know what that is

Basically it's just like You go to Manhattan and then you just go up Oh okay Okay It's like I think it's like kind of like the Like central Part Yeah okay I got you

I guess Don't quote me on that If I'm wrong Don't quote me on that But I don't have a fucking dick about it It's kind of like a Big public space area

Kind of thing Oh okay Yeah I It's a good place to meet somebody For a dress Which It's pretty cold, so Jake's probably going to wear that back.

It's a small red dress, so maybe I should have it, maybe I should have it on for the next episode. Little red warm dress. Jake wears it back from the plan. The kind you get at Union Square. I still in my head can't uncombine those two songs. What did you? It's a little red corvette and raspberry bray. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

He wore a red, warm. little dress the kind you would find at a Union Square place I was working part time I'm getting my dress my boss had on a beret I drove my corvette

to the thrift store and she was wasn't wear brand but shells shells much else oh much else okay and when it was hot she drove a red corvette

And when it was warm She only drove their corvette When she was dressed She wore a red beret Little red beret Little red burrow Little red wind of The raspberry kind

Like an apple The kind that you find on an apple Yeah I forgot about little red warm breasts The kind that you find on an apple The kind that you'd find on a red bird Yeah Little red bird breasts

Imagine you look outside You saw a woodpecker And just had giant jugs And the jugs were heaving With feathers on it And milk were squirting out Milk? Yeah

Okay I'm down Crazy bird Do you think are the nipples smaller Are they big? They're big area They're little nipples big aerials Big aerials

I don't know if I like all that Yeah Yeah Well that's okay I have a I'm more of like A more of like like a wrists guy

like a pinky guy more of like a I think when guys say that they're not a boob or a butt guy they're like a neck or collarbone guy what they really mean is is that they like to think about killing people it's not a thing

when any when a guy tries to be like yeah I'm not really like a boober butt guy more like a mind guy I'm like no you're like a rape guy if anybody says they're a mind guy now that's crazy it's crazy it's more normal to say you're a foot guy than a mind guy now it's more normal to say that you're like, I'm into bondage

and killing. No, I'm, you know, I'm not really like a boob or a butt guy. I'm like... More armpit. Under the knee. Yeah, crapping. Yeah, I'm more of a poop guy. Yeah. Ear. I remember that was like because like the performative

male thing is like a meme again. I remember like the proto version of that was like people legitimately calling themselves sapio-sexuals in like 2000. This was like Humbley 2013, I was like, I just got out of high school and, uh, and people would be like, yeah, you know, I'm not like, like, you know how people are like into like tits and like pussy and

ass? I'm actually like really into like a girl's thoughts. And everybody who said that, like, a year or later down the road, they were making notes app apologies. Like, I was like the quickest like teaser trailer for like, hey guys, I'm sorry. I've been really struggling with alcohol lately. And sometimes when I drink alcohol, chase women down the street asked them crazy like I was exploring this woman's mind against her will

I was trying to unlock her thoughts in the back of an Uber yeah fucking oh man there was like the the performative male thing has evolved to where like I think people are actually reading

which I think is good back back when it first hit the scene I remember it was just literally like yeah you know exploring a woman's body's easy have you ever tried exploring her mind and people would get like crazy fucking interactions and the replies would be like yes king

preach on that spreading her brain yeah try spreading the folds of her gray matter shake that brain in a circle and spread it throw that throw that head in a circle oil on your brain I don't want you to throw neck I want you to throw put my whole fist in your fucking thoughts I'm trying to fucking bowling ball and ball and grip your fucking cerebellum bitch

Yeah Let's read rupee car and look at the fucking stars Oh dude that shit was fucking all the rage when I was in college Man it must have been so cool to be on that wave To be on the like Like when Instagram first hit and you could make a money Off of like writing a poem that's like You were a doorway and I was

the hallway and when we passed each other the gentle wind between our crevasses of our spirit held a thought that no one could remember and then you'd write that in a notebook and take a picture of it with a cigarette on it and then you could just like write for Vogue magazine. Yeah. Now you got a dribble like eye drops onto this

yeah yeah yeah now you got a now everybody wants to do domestic terrorism times have really times certainly have changed The economy for For thoughtful poetry It's like I remember back when I was young There was a river near my house

We'd walk to the river And we'd hold hands Yeah Yeah everybody's writing like When I do see people do poetry now I think The thing now is everyone's trying to do The Ernest Hemingway thing

Where he's like I went to war It was fine Actually it was worse than fine The bullets overhead sound like the cracking of leaves in the winter All my friends are dead But it's like The people who are riding it

Live in an apartment's paid for by their parents And the biggest problem they have is like They got addicted to heroin for like two weeks I eat it a piece of cheese with some breads The coffee was tasting amazing There were pieces of toasts that I eaten with jam and jellies Seven avocados spread over toasts Made for amazing several meals

I went to the dive bar with my friend I had one small Miller High Life And then I went home And I had several tasty slices of pizza I felt alone in that moment Because I was I just texted my ex He texted back and he said something

I miss him because we broke up It's like it's not It's I think people Ever since I broke up with my ex-boyfriend I've missed him It's people have become so retarded That all they're just having thoughts they're just they're having a thought that is like

I'm hungry and when you're hungry you eat food I glanced at my phone another missed call from my ex I took a slow drag from the cigarette and took a bite from my croissant yeah it's just it's not uh people are sat in the windowsill my legs cradled by the window sill I took a look at my book and sat back on the window cell

looking at the window and setting my drink on the window cell The wind The wind whispered through the window sill Sitting like a candle on the window cell The poop came out of my butt Like a piece of turd Looking down to the toilet I saw brown

That meant shit I was shitting a lot nowadays Almost every day people forgot how to shit You left and I forgot how to shit That's the name of the book It's written in like Garamond Looking at the piece of poop

As it passed through my hands Squeezing it And turning it into goo You left me and I forgot out of shit By ruby collar You were the shit And I was a toilet You passed through me warm

Welcoming fuck oh my god damn it you were the poop and i was the porta potty you were the poop and i was the pee sometimes we go together but not always and that was always the problem with us i understood you but you did not understand me

because i was the poop and you were the pee wow i can't i'm gonna write some poetry i think i used to write poetry um And I never look at it now Because I've built my whole life

From people not taking me seriously Correct That was literally just about to say that You know you kind of got a choice You can be the funny guy Or you can be the serious guy who is funny And I chose to just be Put all of it on black

Silly guy Yeah Yeah put it through it all on silly So I'm just gonna rock with that for now It's like People will ask Whenever like Like

dancing guys on TikTok will like like like I remember like there was exactly what you're about the shiggy guy was like I'm gonna do rap now and I remember seeing a video where 21 Savage was like you can't do rap yeah and he was like what do you mean like it's funny he was like no like you're already like a dancing guy like nobody you can't do gangster rap now you started off as a dancer yeah yeah yeah and um it's not really the same thing because we're white guys and we're not really cool um but yeah if you also I'm not gonna I don't want to I don't want to What do you do? Oh, I'm a poet. Yeah, yeah. No, I'm not going to do that. I'm a writer. If it's saying you're a writer, that's fine. Or just saying, if you say, I write.

That's fine. That's fine. I have the same problem where, like, people will be like, oh, I liked your little article. You should write more. And I go, I've put all my money on being, being like a clown. And being a clown that's like,

man, I should have died a long time ago. You know what I mean? Like being a clown, being like a clown, that also, like, you know, you pity or whatever. Yeah. And so I can't suddenly be like, here's this, here's a poem I wrote about. People would be like, no, you can't be doing all that. It's the dancing guy trying to do gangster rap.

We literally just did poems about poop. Like, I can't imagine being like, hey, guys, I'm going to take a break from the poop. Can you guys read my poetry? I have thought about doing, I mean, typically if I do, if I do, right, it is still kind of humorous in nature. I've thought about doing kind of, you know, almost like a Shell Silverstein type thing where it's like, it's not, you know, it doesn't have to be taking that seriously. But I've thought about putting out like a little collection or something like that. But it would have to be like a, hey, this is free and this doesn't, you don't have to. You know what I mean?

I was releasing some on Patreon for a while. And then I stopped because I like didn't finish the short story. But I was like, oh shit. I have to actually finish this and I had like 26 pages or something and then I realized this is dog shit and then I stopped doing it people ask like

oh the music what do you use for the credits I recorded and I don't release it so if you want to when you're asking about what's the playlist for the credits sequence that is stuff that lives on my laptop and will probably never get released because

I don't know I don't know why anyway yeah you can't really I think it sucks because I feel like back in the day you could be an actor and a writer And like you know like there are people like Jamie Fox It's like he's like a triple threat He's not a good comedian but he does do stand-up You know what I mean

He's a great actor and a singer But I feel like now The level of player hating has reached such a zenith Like it's reached such a critical mass That like if you go and try to do anything Like people would be like Oh don't worry about the haters bro Like you kind of have to

to now. You know what I mean? Like, player hating is like, like, like, I'm not even trying to, like, make a joke. Like, hating has become a profound, I've talked to you about this. Like, I follow this guy who, um, I forget the name of his account, but it's like, whatever my wife wants, carpentry or whatever. And his wife would be like, I want a wine cellar. And he'll just build her a wine cellar. And it's perfect. He's got his lasers out. He's got his shit chalked. He's got nice wood. He's doing. on everything right and the top comments with the most likes are like wow you stand before you sanded I'm gonna come to your house and rape you and kill you or like wow you chose a fucking dark stain on a maple wood what are you fucking retarded like and nothing good is

said and there people can say oh that's the internet that's the way that it works that is true but I think we've reached a level of player hating never seen before in mankind we've read like I made a sweater for my dying wife wow that sweater looks like shit I hope she dies faster is like the top comment and the replies are all like yeah she's gonna live

and fuck somebody else while wearing that. Yeah, yeah. The top comment and everyone... You're building a wine seller

so she can get other guys drunk and they can gang bang her. Yeah. All the replies, there's 800 replies and are like...

You put the wine in your ass. I'm going to hide down there and rape you while you're trying to drink wine. It's fucking... It'll literally be... The top comment will be like,

this is the shittiest dick I've ever seen and the guy the guy will respond like, hey man, you know, peace and love to. you brother like sorry it's not your thing and then all the replies are from other people that are like i'm literally kill yourself you're not you're not listening to we don't want you stop

trying to be nice kill you your wife kill your family we hate you the deck sucks and he's like hey guys uh been thinking about your feedback so i went with a lighter stain on this half pipe i built for my son he's been watching a lot of old tony hawk videos because i used to skateboard and then the video's like half pipe looks like shit uh nice spray painted skating is done your son is gay your son should kill himself like it's sitting my son to your son's school so he can beat the shit out of him i'm going to get my son to do a mass shooting i'm 12 and i just beat the shit out of your son i'm your son's teacher and i saw him shit his pants in class it'll be guys with their whole families and their profile pictures it's like your son's fat he needs to give

up like your wife's fat too you really need to get your wife and your son on a diet they can't walk on that deck i'm fat i'm gonna kill myself we're playing that under a guy's work I'm fat, I'm gay, I'm killing myself. Deck looks amazing. I could never do something like that. Probably one of the last messages I'll ever send right here. Hey, wonderful deck, dude. I disagree with everybody.

I love the idea of staining after you sand, so you really get that stain in the wood. Just letting you know this is the last message that I will ever send to anybody. Whoever reads it, just know that I am dead. This is amazing work, man. I can never do anything like this. I can never do anything right.

I can't even. keep a marriage together man you you are killing it you really wish my dad i wish my kids had a dad like you you really you really love your wife man i just can't stop cheating on my wife i have a problem like i'm addicted to gambling i can't even afford a piece of wood uh man it's really amazing what you did for your kid like i really don't even like my son you remind me of my dad i wish i could be like you or him or anybody good i wish i could be something good in this world. I wish I could make people laugh or smile, but I'm mostly just a burden

on them financially, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. Anyway, great deck, and the wine cellar was really nice. I saw the video of your picture of your wife in there and she looked really happy and I saw the half pipe. You built your son and... Sending

love from Missouri. Currently we're looking at gun law workarounds right now. Just trying to get this wrapped up as soon as possible. Side note, does anyone know where can buy lower receivers. If you guys have any, have any input on how to build lower receivers,

please message me. It's not for anything dangerous or anything bad. I just really want to know, really bad, please. Thank you. Awesome setup. I love this deck. Are you ticklish?

Ticklish by chance? Sit from at the tickle monster. Guy replies. No, not ticklish, but thank you for the love. No problem. Let me know if you're ever asleep. Let me know if you're ever alone and sleepy

Let me know if you're ever asleep And you have your arms like this At purple tickle monster At the purple tickle monster Who kisses also Hey Hey really like this cobblestone path you made Are you ever made me asleep with your mouth open

at night. Please let me know. Love the cobblestone path. Will you be wearing shoes and socks when you walk on it from at the foot monster? The profile picture is just a foot that's like green with eyes. Amazing woodworking. Why don't you pop off those shoes and socks for the next video? The feet.

Really, really like the stained glass window. Do you think your wife could stand in a glass window? Do you think your wife could stand in front of it with no shirt or no bra on? Signed to the booby monster. Hey, no, hey, man, I really appreciate the comments on the stained glass window. I don't really appreciate the comments about my wife. Thanks, man, Carl. Hey, no problem.

Yeah, sorry about that. But to be fair, I am the booby monster, and you didn't answer my question. So just let me know if she ever has those things out. What an amazing custom maple crib you made. Is your wife still lactating? Is the baby born yet, or is it coming soon? Let me know how much she's producing milk-wise. What are we working with here?

How much do they produce? Like a gallon of day? They get the pins on the woman. Made some different factors. But I wouldn't, you know, I've never had a kid before, so I'm probably not the guy to ask about that. Yeah, me neither. I think some women produce a lot extra

and sometimes donated or whatever or freeze it or something. I don't know. Yeah. Yeah, sometimes I think Sometimes I think maybe a Yeah, I think some women also have a hard time producing milk That was breastfed, but my mom was eating hellasonic Because that's where she worked at the time

So you got a lot of salt in there Yeah, probably why I've got A lot of American cheese, milk Yeah, yeah, yeah, a lot of jalapeno poppers and very processed milk Yes, of course, yeah, yeah, yeah Yeah She insisted on that and I remember thinking when she told me that oh that how responsible but then i like i uh grow i grew up and uh you know

nieces and nephews and you know you play uh house shows and stuff you play all ages shows and you're like dude i was getting breast milk that was straight up like mountain do like just because she was a mother does not stop the fact that she was 16 so i'm like dude i bet i was getting straight like Pepsi rc cola snickers milk i bet my I was probably where my brain made it fucking straight spam at this point. Yeah.

Um, yeah, that's gross. I never know. How long are you supposed to breastfeed for? Um, I think I was breastfed a little longer than, than most.

I think, I was like two and some change. Uh, I don't know. That's a good question. But I've heard of like four. Yeah, so I think that's a mental illness.

Like, I think there's like a, a thing moms get attached like certain mothers get attached to the like bonding and they like

it becomes kind of also some babies are like um ah you know some babies it just sucks when a baby's going like that yeah yeah oh my god what do I hear a baby cry

like when some babies cry it's like so you have such like a visceral reaction to it you know what it's like it's primal they're like and you're like it's something minor but you're like whatever it is they're unhappy about I have to

it has to not be the case anymore I get it my uh my nephew we're doing breastfeeding critiques is two guys who have never had kids never had kids and I don't even I mean honestly if you breastfeed your kid for more than a couple weeks you are a bad mom you're a bad mom I'll just say it

if they're not just eating steak by the time they're six months old you got a problem dude um there's a guy on Instagram. I saw it on Twitter. He was like, here's how I'm raising a high testosterone son. And he had like his four-year-old son eating like rare rib-eyes with

and then like blueberries like doused and honey and then like raw milk and all the comments were like like it's it is such a we're in such a low four year old. Oh four year old. Oh four year old. Yeah yeah not month. Not month. Four year old. It's like

he's having a hard time cutting it up so I'm just letting him chew on it. My four-month-old is cutting weight to fight. So we do have him on a light diet right now, mostly fish. No, I, uh, he like, all the comments were like, you're, like, we're at such a low point in like male culture and content culture that like, you would think in any rational world, the comments would be like, hey, you probably shouldn't feed your four-year-old son like what is essentially raw beef.

But all of them are like, wow, this kid's going to grow up to be a real stud. I mean, honestly, it's probably fine. I mean, I haven't seen the plate you're talking about, but, like, other than everything being, like, unpasturized or whatever, I don't know if there's... I think the thing is, like, the idea that... Most beef is pretty clean. I mean, if he was, if he was like...

Yeah, we got some... Raw pork. We got some raw deer meat. Just hunted this deer. It's got hella worms in it. Feeding it to my biggest. Giving it to my son. Fuck him.

We got old-ass milk. that would be me we got poop milk I'm raising my son to be a huge piece of shit oxycontinatic we got fucking natty lights my dad he has one of those YouTube channels

everything's so politicized now people are like why the fuck are you giving him blueberries he's too young it's like all right yeah certain points like yeah yeah yeah yeah no for sure

it's just it's just the fact that it's a right wing guy doing it that it's like yeah well because it will it's the accoutre It's attached to it that are like My son's gonna be Gonna grow up to be virile and strong

And have a lot of sex Which is like it's a four year old Get shut the fuck up Like where you I get that Like whenever um it's like a boomer thing Like they'll like uh comment like I've seen it and like old ladies will like pinch a child's cheeks And be like this one's gonna be a real lady killer and it's like

I'm gonna be like that when I get old Yeah Yeah once you get man what's you're gonna start you're gonna Balls drop. Yeah, this one's going to be a heartbreaker. You know what that means. My son's not going to be no two-pumped chump. He's going to be digging.

He's going to be digging. I remember when I was little, people told me I'd be a heartbreaker, which was true. I've actually been very disappointing to many people. Right. They were correct. Yeah, same. Yeah. Several women of my past where I think, I probably.

Treated them not great. Probably could have gone about things in a different way. yeah yeah yeah could have been worse could have been better you know what i mean i love when people are like uh i think it's i think it's a good sign of emotional intelligence because you you meet people that are just like oh yeah every ex like it's a common in a guy thing or it's like oh every ex i've had is crazy and like i i'm not toot moan horn but i'm like uh it's like for me it's like a 60 40 situation like 60% me 40% that you know like i i know i know what i'm about or what I was about when and that was like uh

and I think being able to be like because you know you meet people and like maybe it's a friend of a friend and y'all start talking like girlfriends and wives or whatever and the fucking person is eventually like yeah bro I just like I just like every girlfriend has just been fucking crazy and then you like hang out with that guy and you're like oh no you just she's like not normal about getting cheated on yeah at all yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah like very weird about it really mad when I

uh accidentally sent her a picture of a nude that I from a different girl. She wasn't too happy about that. Then you realize, oh, yeah, this guy is fucked. Actually, yeah, I know, I probably have a decent-ass life. Pieces of shit live forever.

And they have a lot of... And they mostly nothing bad ever happens to them. That's like a thing that I've been like... You'd think you'd learn that lesson early on in life, but my uncle who keeps doing slip and fall schemes, like, he keeps not dying or getting hit by buses and he keeps making money. So I'm like, God damn, I need to get on this wave.

Maybe I need to become more evil. But I don't want to do that. I don't want to be evil. I'm good now. I'm a superhero. I'm changing. I'm uplifting the community right now. You're Spider-Man?

Yeah. Yeah, and I don't really do anything for the community. You know, sometimes I'll be like, man, I don't work Mondays. Maybe I could, like, volunteer somewhere. And then I'm like, fuck, no. I'm never doing that, ever. Yeah, I do the same shit I'm never doing that

I'm like bro, I work from home And some days I straight up Don't got a dick to do They ain't just ain't no work to do And I go I should go down to the fucking Local like PSL food drive Or like the

You know the DSAs like You know They fix people's brake lights And license plates for free So they don't get pulled over Or that you know Oh I should go to the like The free seminar where they teach people

How to like talk to ice And then you know what I do I play with my balls And I watch videos of schizophrenic people Who have access to a phone And they have like 20 followers I watch their reels all day And I eat chips

Like complete and absolute I just beat up this little monster I got I just pull on my green ass dope I beat up this little monster Ha ha Hey what you doing later I'm gonna hit the club What about you?

Nah I'm gonna stand on beat on my monster I'm beating up my monster Boops I'm lobster fishing For something green You know why didn't I see you at the club last night I thought you said you was off word Shit I stayed home

I was fishing for my monster I was double hands deep on this dick I don't even need two One is barely cut And one's around my throat I was two hands on my throat Sorry, I got all these bruises on my neck. It's from me.

That's why I got scratches on my back, too. Yeah, I'd be moaning like a girl and scratching my back. I'd be bare hugging myself trying to crush my ribcage. I'd be jacking off with my hands-free prostate orgasm. Jacking off with my ankles behind my ears. I'll be squatting down on the fence post crushing my ribcage with my hands. Playing with this noodle. It's beating on my toad like a fucking...

I got this little... This little noodle. Oh, fuck. This little springy udon. Spin around like a weed whacker. Yeah, yeah. People don't like it when I talk like this, but... Yeah.

I've been yanking on my monsters since 1999. I've been playing monster games with my Squidward. I've been playing Willie. I've been playing hooky with my ass so I can go rookie on my Willie. Oh, God. was that shadow boxing last night um i don't think i'll uh sometimes i get fucked up when i start doing stuff like that no you didn't do anything like that i'll just make sure okay cool yeah it was one of those around messaging people like hey yeah sorry and they're like no you're

chill you're just you didn't do anything you're just beat down like a dog yeah you're not supposed to have that many budwisers well you are but sometimes you know yeah my the only thing to say me from getting really drunk is being cheap yeah well they didn't charge me for any of those beers they didn't nope I paid $13 for one bud light you're sucking my dick really well with with tip but it was like 11 they didn't charge me for any of them

awesome yeah I don't think they knew I was on the show straight up they were pissed off that I wanted to get a beer and then they charged me fully for it I had like 13 beers and I had one and it wasn't on the house so I didn't drink anymore. That's the only reason I wasn't being holier than now. I was just like,

I can't afford to drink more than two or three of these tonight. That's funny, man. I didn't know that. Yeah, that's why I got so fucked up because they weren't charging me. And then I went across the street and Tommy had bought you a beer, but I made a judgment call and I drank it before you could get there. Yeah, I was fucked up.

And I said, Tommy, I'm I appreciate you getting this for Jake. I am going to drink all of it before he gets here because I don't even really want to drink, but this can't be available when he walked. And he was like, I understand. Oh, man. Well, so then I was out of pocket.

You weren't out of pocket, but I could, I was approaching. I could see it in your eyes. Hey guys, it's Kamel Nanjiani. My new stand-up special Night Thoughts is now streaming on Hulu. I promise you're gonna laugh. I am an immigrant. I am. Are there any other immigrants here?

Okay, what you can't do is point at someone else. thoughts is now streaming on hulu and hulu on disney plus for bundle subscribers terms apply that wasn't my call if it was my call terms would not apply but it's not my call terms apply that there were just certain guardrails that that would would would would help the night go smoother okay okay in what way yeah this we can do this on the show what well i don't care Well, no, there's nothing crazy going on. I just, I could see the fire in your eyes, you know what I mean? When I start getting a little twitchy, you know, and I start talking about my dad and shit.

Right, and there's nothing wrong with that. That's your right as an American. Yeah. But we were just, you know, I was just setting a pace, you know, set in a certain pace where we could we could all get home safe and everything. Yeah, no, I appreciate that. You were looking at for me. And it was all good. And everything was fine.

We, you know, we called it a little bit earlier than we normally do, but we were. also in an area where there just wasn't that much going on yeah yeah um you know no that's bro let's all hang out next to the fucking barclays center next to the fucking where the where the nets play yeah you know what i mean it's just it's all like it's it's all like sweet green and shit over there you know what i mean aruan or whatever the fuck yeah yeah yeah i don't want to see yo mother no it was fun um i hadn't seen wolf gang in forever so that was cool it was nice to meet him yeah he's cool he's that was that was the first time he's ever seen me do stand-up

where I didn't completely eat balls and dick eat shit I don't think he's ever even seen me finish his set before I think every other time I've done to stand up in front of him I've gone all right well it sounds like we should call it here thank you guys so much for being here

let's get it going for your next comment which I love doing I love it whenever you book me for 10 minutes and you say hey I'm going to pay you for it and then I do five minutes instead that is the million dollar guarantee Thomas Promise Yep where I go

Hey I don't like it when you guys aren't laughing Goodbye Yeah the Thomas promise is I'll do that at our show sometimes Yeah I'll do 11 minutes on a 20 minutes set He has done that He'll say light me at 20 and then Thomas

Well actually I think No last night you did You did your set But you've definitely been like yeah light me at like Oh I never got a light last night I said I'm done Okay But I think it was like

It was like 15 or 14 It was something When I checked my timer this morning I was running at like nine and a half hours So I just like never turned my clock off I guess Yeah But That was fine

Yeah it was a good one It was good one The next one is gonna be even more normal I think I will Adjusted my intake Uh I think the reason that I was able to like I could pace myself on tours

Because we were just like Partying for three days And when you're doing that for three days Like, eventually your body just goes, oh, but I haven't been drinking, really. So I was like, oh, I think, you know, it's a normal amount of beers to have after you haven't had any beer for a long time. 14, 13 beers and some fucking secret candies. Prescribed. Don't text me and ask me if I'm doing good.

I'm doing just fine. Don't message me and say, hey, man, what are you up to? You know what I'm up to? Taking care of, taking care of me. It's called self-care It's called self-care Sometimes you Fucking

The way that you go about your day And about your life As you walk around You just eat some candy all day And the candy keeps you From fucking talking to the radio You know what I mean The radio sometimes says

Cool shit to you It says go Take your pants off at the store Show everybody your ball sack You eat the candy Get Jake's dick out Remove Jake's dick from Jake's pants Take penis out to cashier

Show her, JXP, Ness. Did I do the Max Payne bit last night? You did. Yeah. People liked that or they didn't like that? It was late by then. I think people were ready to kill me. No, I think you picked back up some steam with the Max Payne bit, if I recall.

Oh, nice. Oh, yeah. I think it was towards the end, and I think you started doing the Max Payne bit, and I went, we'll stretch it a little bit, but we got some. Okay, nice. Yeah, yeah. Max pain bit's good. No, we picked up Steam at the end, and then I thought, let's wrap it while we.

while we're hot people are in a good yeah yeah everybody you love it's i love it when everybody's met the bartenders and everybody's met the servers and the sound people well there's not sound people it's us and i love when the bartenders don't want to work there and they don't want to help you they also don't know who you are and they don't even know your show is happening and they don't know how to pay you any money and they don't even know who's on the show and they dude it was so funny when the the door guy was like yo you want to talk to l she knows everything about what's going on she's going to be your go-to girl and I was like oh sick

and I went up to her and she was like I don't know like anything about like anything at all and I was like oh so like yeah I remember I needed two microphones and she was like we don't we don't have no

like I love when not interacting with somebody who's so very clearly wants me to explode to have never existed at all and like a customer service setting or in like a comedy club setting or really in any setting when you're talking with somebody

and you realize this person wants me to catch on fire or they want my dad to have never knocked my mother up they don't want me to exist that's okay I'm sorry buddy I'm here to stay at least for another

I'm middle age now you're not middle aged in your early 30s 62 probably nah I'll probably make it to like I don't think you're allowed to be middle age until you're like 40 something 40 yeah well what's I mean people my family live to be like 102 which is gonna piss me off I'm not I I've completely I think I've decided now that I've have experience this isn't this isn't Jake's pity hours it's just I've decided I've gone through enough tragedy and I'm not gonna kill myself I'm just we're just gonna ride this thing out and see how it goes you know what I mean but then that means that I might live to do my great great uncle lied when he was like 104 seems fucking crazy a hundred and four a hundred and four

like you see World War II you see JFK get assassinated and when you see JFK get assassinated you're fucking 45 you're like you're that's it like your life is pretty much like at that point you're you know you got maybe

20 25 years left because it's the 60s and then you see Reagan and you see like the Ramones and then you see all the counterculture stuff and then you see the Berlin Wall fall down and then you see 9-11 and you see the iraq war and then you see gooning and furries that's got to be so fucking crazy to be like a part of the silent generation i think about that sometimes

with my older family members that are still alive and they're like late 90s early hundreds where i'm like brother you what you saw the great depression happen you were like 10 and now you live at the same time where people dress up like flying squirrels with pregnant bellies and get fucked in the ass by dragon dicks and get eggs laid in them like I don't say it in a conservative way in like a fucking

well society blah but it is kind of nuts if I was a guy who stormed the beaches of Normandy I'm not saying that I would be a moral hero but I definitely would be like fuck things the world is an interesting place

I'm trying to storm the beaches of Gormandie you're getting hungry in some of that food yeah you remember when we used to be locked up and we were eating that food we used to eat a piece of food

where my brother Cups of the food plate I love those dishes that they taste so good You know roast beef Potatoes and Carrots too Eating plates

Young fella Eating plates eating plates I say the things you eat Are the things that I want on my plate What's the other one? I know when those cookies eat Yummy yummy tasty treat

On a plate that's causing heat Microwave makes the plate Make it warm and good for Ever since I ate spaghetti food I've got a tummy egg Garlic bread's delicious with some salad Tasting quite nutritious for my palate Saying thank you mommy when I'm eating that

Ever since my mommy made me food Saying thank you then I washing up now Using napkin to On my face and clean now Asking for permission to leave the table Can I be excused for eating food Mommy lets me go upstairs to play a game Can I get some ice cream for dessert?

Mommy says no I had it last night then I go up into my room and I look at pictures of little bugs I'm just a boy who loves little slugs and I've got some buses on my little rug ever since my mommy made me food notice there's no father in the song he's No, he's out. He's got things going on, you know? Wow. He's got things that's going on.

Father making steak and types of food. Father making. Burger, chicken, turkey, and some ham now. Mommy always makes lasagna's and clam chow. For that you need a spoon, and I don't have those now. Ever since we all ran out of spoons. Daddy makes steaks and eggs and hams and... Using piece of knife to eating to eating soup now?

You used to eat soup with a knife is... Use a piece of knife to eat a soup now. You used to eat a piece of knife soup. You used to call me in my soup phone. Late night when you need my spoon. Call me all my soup. phone late night when you

need my spoon I know when that Campbell heat That means my microwave Goes ding Ever since I've tried The chicken soup Try it with the noodles and the rice Now

Progresso is And Campbell's very nice Now What's the other brand That's kind of upskirts I think I'm thinking a progressive soup Or is there one above it that's I'm thinking Campbell's chunky Because to me that always was the fancier cost more money

Looking for the soup like in a lighthouse I think that I need some Campbell's right now I'd eat cheese soup if I was a tiny mouse If I was a mouse I'd eat the soup I was eating lots of sticks in my hole It's a beaver Yeah Yeah

Yes sir Yep I was stacking lots of sticks In my hole It's my job How the rest is that fucking song go You know how that stick That's fine

You know how that stick goes You know how that stick goes You know how that stick goes You knows how that stick goes okay everybody hello welcome to jakes's advice corner um things are looking pretty grim but they've always looked grim um and if you're thinking about um how dark things are and how bad things can get just know uh that we've been around for like half a million years and

things can and will get much worse but it doesn't mean you can't have fun so and this isn't about sweet treats this isn't about lower pleasures pleasures of the flesh

this is about higher pleasures talking about higher levels higher orders of thinking you know you can pretty much do whatever you want you can put on a high-vis vest and walk around with a notepad

and then make your way up to the roof of a building and you can do whatever you want up there. I used to do it in high school. I left my girlfriend at her sewing class. Now she has to come and get me. Now she has to take the bus. Oh, I totally forgot that we just dropped. I thought it was 130.

But it ended at 1 o'clock. Now she has to take the bus. Sorry Papa's doing business. Sorry Papa's doing show I am sorry for that God damn dude I got heartburned like a motherfucker That pizza was something else

Um Yeah I think tonight I'll drink water They didn't charge me for the pizza Really? And they charged I mean I went in a bottle slice And then when we picked you up

We came in basically as they closed And there was another There was a guy who was like I need to wash my face and hands in here and they were like sir we're sorry this is a tiny place we don't have a bathroom but on the corner there's a spot where you probably could he was like i give you so much money and you won't let me wash myself in here and they were like we can't it's a kitchen we can't let people wash themselves in the kitchen and he was like i can't believe you let me do it right now

and then i was just i'd ordered the pizza already and i was like yeah yeah yeah and the guy uh gets my pizza out of the oven and then he there's another random slice in there and he goes hmm and i was like oh no that's not mine he was like i give you and i was like for for free because i don't yeah and he was like and i'd also grabbed a dr pepper and then he hands me the box he said fuck yeah and i was like for free he was like he was like for you kind of saved my life not even gonna lie i knew i i saw dr pepper and i went yeah it's kind of not everybody has dr pepper up here yeah yeah yeah yeah i remember you telling me about that when you first moved to that it's kind of like there's no big red yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah

the doctor people people are into ginger rail more up here i feel like people are into the artisan sodas here like you know i'll go to the store i see a lot of jones and main route you know what i mean like the bodas will have like i think i feel like that's kind of the white people shit yeah yes yeah for sure yeah but the jamaicans really like ginger ale and they like ginger beer too. Oh, yeah, yeah. It's like, like the Caribbean people really like ginger drinks. Yeah, yeah. And also, I mean, white

people like it, too, but... My mom used to be like, oh, if you have a stomach cake, drink ginger ale. Yeah, that and Coca-Cola. Yeah, that's so dumb. I remember having a stomach cake one time, and my mom brought me Coca-Cola and ginger snaps. Yeah, yeah, my mom would bring me Sprite

which I love. To this day, every once in a while, I'll get a classic Coke and ginger snaps. Coke and ginger snaps. It's nice maybe a once every year thing. But the problem is I'll put away a whole box of ginger snaps. I eat those suckers up.

You know what I... You know what I've been fucking the game up on for no reason? The club crackers that you eat with, like, chili? Oh, yeah? Those are fucking delicious. I've been craving crackers, dude. I tried sardines the other day? Sardines, like canned sardines?

I guess what other kind would there be? Fucking goddamn. Yeah, yeah, I tried those recently. Not the best, but I've been eating them. Because they're very cheap. But I made the whole house smell fucking horrible. Because I made it for the first time, and I thought I could mute the smell by adding soy sauce.

But instead I intensified it like tinful. That's awesome. But tomato sauce kind of hit it. But yeah, but it's been trying to... Can fish just never like... I get ads for it sometime on Instagram. It'll be like the bougie canned fish. Yeah, it doesn't make sense to pay like $8 a 10 for sardines.

I'm trying to go with like cheap shit. Like, I'm eating, like, rice and lentils and shit with it, you know what I mean? Yeah, yeah. Yeah, whenever Ashley and I are trying to save money, we go get the, like, the bargain bin bag of shrimp that are like this big. They're basically you're eating bugs. Yeah. Like ground bugs, basically that they find at the bottom of the seafloor and then charge like $2 a pound for them or whatever. During COVID when I was on super unemployment, I would make steak and lobster tail.

I was doing the thing that Fox News says all black people do with their EBT. Yeah. I was living off the Dole and I was like, we're having stakes tonight, baby, the world's ending or whatever. It was during the summer of the riots. And I was like, I felt like a decadent king while the whole, while the kingdom was burning. And he was like, I'll have one last meal before the people destroy the town. And then, uh, dude went back down in Texas, all the Mexican restaurants were selling margaritas by the gallon jug. and I had this like epiphany where I was like

dude if like a world ending scenario Americans are we don't take things seriously I don't I think maybe we've lost the ability to and people might say like everybody takes things too seriously that's precisely the problem is is that it's like become everything's diluted anyway I think if there was an asteroid or like a type of prion disease that went like

became a virus and it like infected like you know 50% of people that it killed Mexican restaurants would be like selling sombreros that you could take home that had beans in them you know what I mean like like text mix like barbecue places would have like the end of the world barbecue platter

where you could get like you know 10 pounds of fatty brisket for like 50% off liquor stores would have the kill yourself jug that was like ever clear and like Xanax like you could buy I completely believe that the path after the Kalshi thing like the path we're on is like

when the big bazooka finally fires and it is game over people are going to be finding ways to make and spend money like like as every ocean turns green as every river turns like a brackish yellow Great Lakes dry up and shit And it was all yellow Your food

Oh yeah your food and plate Turn into something good to ate You know For you I'd give all my fries For you I'd give all my plate Dung do

That's what the song That's like Chris Martin's in the studio Excuse me, excuse me I'm supposed to be the bass guitar It's not What are you doing? Well I can't play instruments so I figured I would hold this bass guitar

and I'd go like this boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom so the song's kind of about it's like about you know you meet when you meet someone and you have a moment of connection and it's not it's a feeling it's a color you know it's like a yellow it's like a wamp so this is sort of like a $200 million tour

we're doing here I didn't know if there's a way you could learn how to play the bass yeah so I mean this is how I talk and it's not really something I can do I can't really play instruments and I'm not really I'm not a good guy Are you part of the band? I'm not part of the band Coldplay

I'm part of the band Thomas's crazy adventure We're not opening for you guys I'm sort of a studio musician I figured you guys probably needed somebody like me Imagewise More of like a punk rock kind of guy I don't play my instruments And I don't know other bass lines on mouth either

Okay, so we're going to run it back I can do bad to the bone Don, don't, don, don't, don't, don't. Okay, so we're going to do one more to go for yellow from the top One more time, okay, so the guitar comes in Yeah, okay, very good And then now the bass line and the drums Boom, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, sorry, no, that's

That seven nation army by the white stripes That's a good song man Let's do that stuff I don't even think that song's come out yet I think Yellow came out on parachutes Which is an album that came out in 2000 I believe that songs Maybe you've written a new song

That could be the greatest song The most recognizable bass riff of all time I had a piece of chidong Dung Dung Dung a seven cheese Natcho could taste amazing. And if I take a bite of chip, it's going to taste like it's got some cheese. Right, so once again, we're in Coldplay. This is sort of...

My name's Chris Martin. I'm Chris Martin. I've got two first names. That's how I'm famous. Yeah, yeah. We're kind of like radio head, but bad. and also gay I think at one point

I used to fuck with them heavy I know it's funny I still like Viva La Vita a lot I listen to it a lot That album is crazy good Like yes is such a sleeper hit I used to rule The world

Did you know what You know what song goes hard as fuck But it's so gay that I like it Is fucking how to save a life I love that fucking song man step one you say we need to talk he walks say sit down it's just some food like i fucking i absolutely love that song it's so good so i'm so never win and you're just like damn my fuck my life i was when that song came out i was 10 and i was on the monkey bars and i was like

i'm gonna kill myself i'm 10 years old i can't finish the monkey bars because i'm fat and how i got how to save a life on my fucking my mp3 player that's like this it holds 10 songs We couldn't afford the... I wanted an iPod so bad. And my mom said, what, you look like? I made of money. And I said, no. And you say, yeah, you do.

You're green. You're green. Mom, you're green. And you have George Washington's face. Your mom's bloated and dead on the couch. Mom. Oh, shit, you know my monies. Mom.

Mom's bloated OD. Yeah, you look fucking cool like monies. I like it Whoa Look like a piece of money Dollar dollar bill Yo She's not calling your friends over

Everybody Mama looks like money Yo, Everett Mama looked like money She's just right Joe The money's sleeping Everybody comes in there

Yo mama taking a money nap right now The needle's still in her arm She's taking the money out Like everybody that walks in I've been putting needles And my mom squirting out The blood getting the money out Like they're crying

Everybody's like Thomas Thomas No Yo the money mad stiff Your mama You mama got so much money Her legs don't move She looked like a crusty dollar bill

She got sores She got sores Because the money be rubbing on her legs I got money a hundred dollar bill Everett, Mama Green like money My Mama Green She looking like money I think I likes it

Oh fuck Oh god damn Daddy blew like the ocean And Mama green like money Oh he blew like a new hundred dollar Pils shit He blew like a big Yeah

I'm talking about that gangsta man That's cool. He blew like a damn Benjamin. You read like a... You read like a different piece of money. He's hung from the fucking rafters completely blue. You read like China money. Brains all blown out.

China dollar. You're in house with your whole dead family. Yo, this money's stank. Your whole fucking family's dead. My money smelled like a library right now. Mom's OD, dad hung himself, brother blue. Mama money smelled like a whole book. Mama green like money is she stained.

like old books. Yeah, my daddy read like China money. My daddy, my daddy blue and my brother red like Chinese money. My balls blue like some new hundreds. That's the church. I've been sitting in the house of my dad family 10 days. Mama green like money, daddy blue like Benis and brother red like Chinese money. Yeah, you bred like that China money. Cross a red seat for that $100 bill. Local man sits in house with family dead for 10 days. Anything to say yeah mama green like money stink like an old book daddy blue like benny's and he stink like a old library brother red like chinese money and he smelled like iron and coppers i like it now back to sports i love it i like this shit this is my shit i like it with my family with my family

green blue red and dead and stink and look like money this is my motion this my shit my whole All this, mine. This house of horrors, this is mine. That's my money. That's how my income. This house of fucking decay and death, that's my shit. This is my money. I fuck with it.

Quit fucking with my money, news lady. Talking about how could you let your mom be bloated and green? Bitch, she covered in money. You know, you're trying to mess with my money. Everett. The news lady over here, they're trying to get mama out. They're trying to fuck with my mom money. You try and put the money in the box

Don't put money in the box Don't bury the money That's treasure I'm gonna dig her up Yeah, I'm digging that shit up Local man Digs up entire dead family After sitting in the home with them

For 10 days We brought him back for an interview After he was caught grave robbing his own mother Yeah, I was getting the money out the box They buried the money on some money Yeah, yeah Bake withdrawal Big withdrawal

My daddy had blue worms in his head That means he was getting even more money down there Money slithering around He got his fingers in a lot of pies My brother's head gone You know why? Thinking about money too much That money went to his head

That money got straight to his head right through it Exit wound Money Tunes Check please Garsohn Garcin, exit wound Check please Yeah, that's what I'm talking about

Money on the phone That's why the police calling Money enter, cash exit Brain gone Chinese money red This shovel is my cashier We're sitting down with the man Who seemingly believes that his family

Who is dead Is made completely of different types of currencies And types of money Yo, what's up? So now that they've moved your family out and buried them, how have you adjusted to this tragedy? Yo, yeah, yeah, yeah, the news. Yeah, yeah, I've been doing pretty good, man.

I've been honestly been fucking chilling, bro. Like, they got hell of money in my bank account now. I'm gray like quarters. Yeah, all my money gray, like an old English money. You're like very clearly withdrawn. I'm gray like coins right now. Yo, I'll be withdrawing. I'm having money

I'm having money withdrawals right now I feel like a bank account all these withdrawals I'm having I'm shaking like some coins I'm shaking like a beggar getting coins at the fucking grave I'm shitting straight water because my fucking belly's got so much money in it

oh hey we've been doing this shit and I came or going to die soon uh thanks for listening and think about money when you die and when you live think about how you can get to more of it. That's right.

Thank you guys for listening. Bye. Hey, guys, it's Kamel Anjiani. My new stand-up special Night Thoughts is now streaming on Hulu. I promise you're going to laugh. I am an immigrant. Are there any other immigrants here?

Okay, what you can't do is point at someone else. Night Thoughts is now streaming on Hulu and Hulu on Disney Plus for bundle subscribers. Terms apply. That wasn't my call. If it was my call, terms would not apply, but it's not my call. Terms apply.