Pendejo Time - The World's Biggest Building

Episode Date: May 14, 2026

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Okay, so for this one, I'm going to be a medieval torturer, and I have you on the rack, and I'm trying to get answers out of you, but you are trying to not let me know that you are, that the rack is pleasing to you sexually, and you're trying to hide it while I'm torturing you. Okay, let me get the music going. I'm going to get answers out of you that you wouldn't even tell your God, criminal. No! Stop! The rack reveals all.

No, I won't. Are you ready? No! Yes, no I'm not! Here comes the first turn of the wheel. Now, tell me where the other robbers are. E! Um... You...

The pain will stop if you tell me where the... The pain will be over if you just tell me what... If you just tell me what I need to know. All right, I guess you're going to take it to Hardwick. I've never... I don't think I've heard anybody screaming pain like this. Okay. All right, I'm going to turn it up all the way to ten now.

No, no. You're going to tell me what I want to know or else. What? Why do you want to know? I tell you anything. That's his... I'll tell you anything you want. What?

This is the night coming in. Executioner. Have you gotten any information out of the criminal? Uh, he seems to, uh, um... I don't like... He seems to... He's saying he doesn't like it, sir, but I believe he, uh... As you can see, is a...

I believe he is aroused. If I was aroused, we're not being covered in this bit. All right, listen here, criminal. We'll let you go, but all you have to do is tell us where the high women's hideout is. No! Poor John! Between you and me, Sir Knight-Eye, we only have the rack. Budget was small this year, so we don't have any type of Iron Maiden or thumb crusher or butt spikes.

No, not punch, punch, please. Use them on my balls. We don't, uh, we don't really have anything else. Please don't let a blackhead torture him in now. I had an idea. Maybe we can put one of his legs on one end of the rack and another leg and then, spread his legs. No, don't put my dick in there.

It's the whole part of my ass. Don't put that in there either. Don't spread my balls in my ass, please don't spin it in my ass. That wasn't even an option. That wasn't even an option. We weren't going to do that. We weren't even thinking about that at all.

It's not one of the ways to torture that we have. We're in medieval Europe. No, not a deal, though. You know, now that I think about it, They probably did use rape as a form of torture back then. I don't know why I assumed that I'm just going to, they probably did a lot. If you do something like that to me, there will never be historical proof. There won't be books written about it.

No. Help. Go ahead and rape him executioner and then just get it over with. Yeah! All right, I'm not going to enjoy this at all. I'm just going to get it over with quick. Me neither. Don't make me suck your cock.

That wasn't one of the things that I even... I was just gonna... That hasn't been infinite yet. I think that literally gets you executed, actually doing that. Gets you executed, so... God, it probably used to make your dick smell so bad when you got one of those. Yeah, probably was... Probably didn't make it smell good at all.

Probably... Probably it probably smelled horrible, too. It made the mouth smell even worse. Yeah, I would imagine anything like... I imagine sex back then was just fucking absolute, absolutely horrible. But you were probably drunk as fuck, too. Oh, yeah, for sure. Well, you were probably always drunk.

I think the whole thing about that is, is it was like safer to drink alcohol than water back then or something because all the water had diarrhea in it. Yeah, and if they were, me, all the alcohol would have a lime in it. They would put a lot of blood. They'd put a lot. You would put lime and drinks back then, like in ale, like flagons of ale. You'd put, like...

I would probably be drinking, like, Mexican beers and stuff back then. Oh, yeah. Sorry, no... I'll be out in the field working, and I will probably be drinking, like, Takate or Madello. Okay. Like, they would say, you'd go up to the barkeep, and you'd, like, the ye old pub, and you'd be, like, a flagging of ale for you, and you'd say, no, I'll just take a tecate with a lime things. yep i'll say i'll take a shot tequila and i'll take it to katte with a line

i don't i'm sorry i get a lemon drop please just like an old stone bar like there's like dead guys in the corner can i get an old fashion please i think that one no that didn't hit the scene till like the mid-1800s i think that when did they even have maraschino cherries marishino cherry came much later uh... but it well not much

later but the original old-fashioned well i've been eating them since those as a kid they're good dude dude i used to drink the juice yeah me too yeah yeah yeah yeah real fat kid move yeah i would take little sips out of the juice of my family wouldn't notice that some of the cherries were going from the jar if i go over because they never checked the water levels

yeah they ever checked how many cherries were in there if i go over to your house and you have like a good brand of pickles i'm drinking all the pickle juice in your house. I'm sorry. Like, don't invite me over if you don't want that to happen. I love pickle juice. And every time we get pickles for, like, sandwiches or whatever,

Ashley's always like, they're going to get dry. Because I'll just, like, in one sitting, I'll just, it'll immediately make me sick. It's like more, it's enough sodium to, like, give me a heart attack. But over the course of, like, two days, realistically, I'll drink the whole fucking thing. It's just like a delicious salty, salty snack. Mmm. Yeah.

And, oh, I'm like that with chocolate milk. That's normal. That's like a normal thing. Yeah. What's the double chalky? Who makes that? It's like the, I forget what it's called. It's like something chalky, but it's like triple chocolate milk.

It's like so, it's something that only an American would make. I forget it's a really, I think it's boathouse farms, makes it, but it's like a single eight ounce glass is like something like 90 grams of sugar anyway. But anyway, it's like a triple fudge brownie milk.

And it's thick, almost like a milkshake. I think drinking it immediately like makes you sick, but it is delicious. It's like the way they used to torture people with honey back in the day. Yeah. I have a quarter who drinks coffee with

no sugar and with skin milk. It's a little bit of skin milk and he also has a large milkshake with his breakfast every day from where they just like a from dunkin donuts like six in the morning like yeah i mean i guess that's that's not that crazy i'm talking to 32 ounce i mean they're largest in his defense you did used to like your breakfast before he didn't need to know about any of that he's not going to find out about that your breakfast was peach rings Two white gummy bear monster rains and then beef jerky and a bunch of hostesses. I would say it depended on the job.

There was a time where every day I would get calaches and apple fritter, a blueberry cake donut typically, and then either a maple donut or a glazed donut. And I'd have that with a few pigs in the blanket. And a rain or bang or I never really got into red line. but RAPida red line I don't see those shit was good but yeah man the

the random shit was whenever I used to climb at this whole company we would we would go to like a racetrack in the morning and fill up the trucks but then that's like where you grab your breakfast in lunch yeah yeah yeah yeah so that I was eating random shit for those of you not in the know racetrack he didn't go to like a racetrack to fill up

the work truck race track is a It's like a Walmart-sized gas station. In North Texas area. But all of the... I thought it was in all the south, but I guess I don't know shit. I don't really see them around here, except when I'm going up to, like, when I would go to visit you or when we go on... We'd go on the road to, like, Oklahoma or play Denton. There's a bunch of racetracks up there.

Yeah, I like race track. I like Quick Trip, too. Quick Trip. They all... I love a good, huge gas station. Buckees is too much. Buckies is evil. But,

quick trip if it's late at night sometimes if you go in there and you're just getting like a fountain drink or something and nothing else they'll be like hey man you can just have that which I appreciate yeah uh they're building a buckies um like directly on top of like I think I talked about it it's like

five miles away from like where an aquifer is and like I think it's it's not funny but you just kind of have to laugh at it like how absolutely powerless we are because the city was like, hey, we don't want this. We don't want any type of like concrete runoff or like fuel runoff near the river. You know, the San Marcos River is clean.

The aquifer feeds all of our drinking water and the Buckees people were like, we're going to create literally hundreds of jobs for the city. And the city was like perfect, amazing. That's great. So they're building the Buckees like literally directly on top of like a very critical water table. and like you know like they're conservative guys

but they care about the environment like that's their one ostensibly like liberal thing that they have is like you know the environment or whatever a bunch of those guys were like hey you know I love the beavers just as much but

maybe could you build it literally just 10 miles down the road not on top of the aquifer because it feeds into all the rivers and love. likes it. We love so much. And the city was like, thanks for coming around here, Jim Bob. Uh, thanks for coming to city council. Uh, fuck you and suck everybody's dicks on city council and suck the beaver's dick too. We're building it

directly on top of the aquifer and all of your drinking water will probably have a little bit of gas in it now. And the river will have a little gas in it too because that's just, that's the way shit goes. Uh, we have the money and the power and you are just a bunch of fucking stupid pieces of shit. Yeah. And I feel like people wrote on their attack. in goodwill for a long, long time. From the Bucci dynasty. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. At the very beginning.

With, you know, Bucci Beaver, I think that was his name. It was, yeah, yeah. But I am, I think a lot of people really do need to be killed. Yeah, yeah, a lot, yeah. Like, it's crazy, it's just crazy the, like, a point of, straight up, like, not giving a fuck. The average American is at right now. Yeah.

I think that's a good way to put it. It's like, bro, if I could tell you how little I'd give a fuck about anything right now, I'll tell you what I, I went to the Chinese mall today with my fucking stupid-ass sole page. And I spent two hours buying a pair of Converse for 25 bucks. Yeah.

They don't really fit. They don't really look good on me. I don't like them. Fuck it. Yeah, I keep trying them on, took them off, walked around, got a Starbucks drink Tastes bad, didn't get any energy from it, went by the shoes, got some pretzels from Auntie Ans. The sweet ones felt like complete dog shit and almost pissed my pants.

Yeah, yeah. And then sat down weird onto the new growth on my back and, um, and drove home and, um, you have a growth? And, um, it's fine. I'm not really, uh, I, I looked it up and I don't think it's Is it a boil or is it like a tail or something? I think it's like a cyst type thing

Or something like that It's like not a cyst but like Sometimes you're I forget the term But like sometimes your body can make like a knot out of fat Oh yeah And I think this Yeah lipoma or something

It's like a but yeah Like the specific spot it's in I think it's like a very common Harmless thing But I did you know I obviously frantically googled because Yeah That's how we are but I took a picture of it and it's just regular and

Apparently if it's like a thing that you can move underneath your skin That's actually a good thing Yeah yeah yeah Yeah so I just have a fucking Basically like a gum ball In my lower back that I'm just going to leave there forever I think That's cool So you sat on it on the way home and you just like fuck it

I don't get it on my life And then I just said it doesn't fucking matter and then I tried to find a new way home directions-wise and took like an extra half hour. And then got here and just I haven't showered or anything. I'm just sitting with my sole patch with no pants on in my Rush Limbaugh shirt. Yeah, yeah.

Hanging out with you, man. I think the average American right now is, you know, basically like, well, you know, trying to hustle and get by, I guess. And in the meantime, it seems like, you know, there's nobody really with my best interest. alive in the world yeah I like I'll see I think people do

the thing that I think is people do care but there's they're like spectators to their own like death where they'll be like won't somebody do anything and it's like we're the somebody man and no like I always see like some horror story about like ice or something or you know something depressing about like

and all the comments are like I wish somebody would actually do something and it's like well I mean throughout history like you're the somebody like you you're just we're just watching it

and we're all cowards and we're all just like you said like I walk around man and I'll just see people with like wounds you know like and they're not like

even necessarily homeless they're just they got a scrape or something or like they've got like a big bump on their head and it's like and they're like hey what's going on

and you're like and get that checked out nah no i don't really got the money for that i'm having to move back in the roommates yeah yeah i got like five of them now you're like oh shit yeah i'm pretty concerned about that too and they're like yeah i can't really even put gas in the car i've been walking everywhere you know texas you can't really do that and i'm like yeah um that's pretty that sucks man money's pretty tight over here too and then everybody i know except for like a handful of my friends who are really rich or like that and

and everyone we'll send depressing articles to each other and we'll make jokes like yeah but so many people have to die

like I think the number conservatively it's probably like 15 million like I'm talking about like the people responsible

and then I have a made up number in my head that I think around 20% now I'll say around 15% of Americans, I think, they could project all of, like, the Trump administration, like 4K real footage of all of them eating children, and they'd be like, I mean, who amongst us hasn't thought about it? You know, what a succulent, a succulent toddler's leg might taste

like with a nice, you know, hot honey glaze. You know, who amongst this hasn't even considered being the devil in real life? So I think, you know, you take all the, people who are actually, you know, the levers of power within their hands. And then the people who can't be convinced, um, that they suck ass and they need to change their hearts. And then you got to kill them. And I think that's probably, yeah, like probably, probably 15 million people, maybe 20. Yeah. Something like that. And then people are like, oh, that's a, uh, genocide. And it's like, um, it's not a genocide if the people who, uh, I die make me really mad.

And you might think to yourself, well, that's pretty subjective. You could justify it, and I'll tell you shut up. You know exactly. Yeah. You know, exactly what I'm talking about. You know, you're not, I'm not playing semantics with someone smarter than me. If you suck ass and you make the world worse, you got to go in the bone crusher, which is a machine I invented that crunches your bones.

And you may be thinking, oh, Jake, how you get so? Being so strong. Well, stop thinking in that voice. Jesus Christ. The hell's wrong with you, people. You might be thinking, oh, but why do you get to decide what is right and wrong? And I would say that's pretty fucked up of you to even think like that.

You should think in your normal voice. Yeah. Your normal talking voice and not... Jake. Jake. Jake. Where's my barbecue sauce? is this like a

that's another thought this person is having what the hell Jake doesn't know where your barbecue sauce just go buy some if you can't find it it's probably in the fridge that's usually where that shit belongs man I went to somebody's house one time and they had all their sauces

just in the pantry I was like this is I'm getting botulism I'm not eating here ever again and the immortal words of black Twitter you can't just be eaten in anybody's house if you have sauces and they're not in your fridge you fucking belong in prison like when people have ketchup like just in the pantry? I'm like, nope.

Are there barbecue sauce just in the pantry? What are you doing, man? No. You gotta keep that shit called. What you doing in the barbecue sauce? You know your is blowing that fridge. Are you talking to the bottle? What's you? Barbecue sauce? Why are you in the pantry? Why are you in the pantry?

Stubbs, get your ass out of there. Ooh, Stubbs. Damn, that sounds good right now. Actually, Stubbs fell off eight years ago, and every time I go to eat there, I want it to be good. but it's never good it's fucking like never eating at the restaurant

I just had the barbecue sauce uh it's like $42 for mid paying a fuck ton of money for ass barbecue is just it makes me want to shoot everybody in the store it really pisses me the fuck off

I'm a fucking poser I've only been to a couple of the big barbecue spots but on a dude even like I'm kind of a hole in the wall type guy because even if it's bad then I'm not I wasn't in line No, I'm 100% with you.

Like hole in the wall or a big fat black guy with two blown out brown sandals cooking out of the back of like a horse trailer. Like those are the, that's the move. I don't even know all the holes in the wall. It's just when people do and they show me, it's cool. It's a barbecue situation. I mean, Friends Dad is ideal barbecue situation. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Friends, fat-ass red dad.

Ideal barbecue situation. Friends, red-ass, big booty dad. Friends, red-ass, big-booty little dick, but Big Balls Dad that makes the best barbecue You've ever had in your life Big Ball Barbecue Welcome to Big Ball Barbecue My name is Johnny Big Balls Rollins

You might be wondering why to call me Big Balls Oh, did it? Because I used to ride Bulls? No, is it because we have the best Boudan balls This side of the Mason Dixon? Incorrect. It's because my balls were very big And I wear them out when I bring up I really thought it would be the second one

That would have made way more sense it's because when I bring your plate to your table both my testicles are out of my cooking apron and they are large and they all red almost purple at the bottom of the sack put the top of the sack yeah yeah anyway

yeah but I don't and then like people are always like you know I don't really like whenever I go to New York I don't even think about barbecue even though I have heard they like there are some places that are halfway decent

but outside of like Texas and Oklahoma in the South, like, I'm not going to eat barbecue in California. I've never, never had barbecue up here, except for it, like a friend's house. And people are always like, there's, there's good barbecue here, you should try it. I'm like, I believe it. Also, there's a lot of kinds

of barbecue, and I don't have, I've had, like, you know, I've had barbecue. It comes from so many cultures, so I just haven't had, like, I don't go out and get pork ribs or whatever, you know what I mean? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm not having fucking

Because the soul food places are milking it like crazy. Oh, yeah. You know, they'll be like, oh, $18 for fucking mac and cheese. I'm not, it's not happening. Yeah, not happening. None of this is happening. This is happening in your world. It's not happening in mine.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, also. Also, like all, like, if it's something like a brisket, you know, it's like slow cooked on a smoker or something. It's like, yeah, I can't really do that at home. I don't have the stuff for that, but like, peach cobbler, like, you know what I mean? They get you with the sides.

Mac and cheese where it's like Like every place is like Oh you got to try the mac and cheese And it's like it kind of sucks It's like not really good And it's like hard Or whatever And I'm like

Nah I think I'm I think I'm chilling on that one Big boss man Big boss man sorry Trying to take this watch off I bought yeah The fitness watch And then it'll tell me

You know Your resting heart rate is like You know really high And I'm like I don't need to see that It's fine I'll just take it off It doesn't exist you've been getting a lot of messages on garmin

yeah it is a garmin Garmin will be like Get up and move and I'm like No I think I'm good I think I'm still recovering From the Bachelor party Also Did have a couple beers last night

My body recoiled in terror At just the two So maybe this weekend I will take it easy But probably not usually when I say stuff like that it doesn't mean I don't mean it yeah I um

opened a beer last night and had a few sips and then just went to bed that's a classic I didn't really want it yeah I'd gotten kind of a tall one too and I just had it didn't it was a thought I'd try something new

yeah it was a nasty tasting beer I thought why force this was it like IPA or something it was um something along those lines I don't think it was an it was a stout of some kind which I didn't

didn't realize and it tastes like caramel oh no and it just wasn't really what I was looking for at the time I used to call like dirty bastard or something like that the brown mud

the brown mud king I fucking dude I I think out of like a design desire to not be, to distance myself from my upbringing. When I first went to college, I, like, had a bit of a phase where I was like, I'm going to be a beer snob. And it was short-lived.

And I was even, I couldn't even legally drink, but I would always be like, oh, Coors Light at the party. I've brought the brown beetle. It's a caramel milk stout. It's probably, probably, I've never really heard of it. and then I would just like really reluctantly drink the whole thing really fast and then I would just start drinking like the beer out of the keg because first of all they're like 12% and it's like drinking a whole loaf of bread and I don't think you're supposed to drink 12 stouts. I think the only people that did that were executioners and then like mad kings.

You know what I mean? Like kings that you read about that they were like, I've had to admit my wife gave me two daughters in a row. please cut all of her legs like guys like that or whatever King Henry the 8th or whatever the fuck Is he the king that like Every woman he impregnated Where he had a daughter with

And then he would just kill him I think that was him Maybe I'm thinking of somebody else But there was a famous king That like his wife gave him two daughters So he was like I'm gonna cut your head off I'm really sorry about this

And she was like why And he was like I want a son So And then he started to fuck another girl girls and uh as you know kings are wanted to do and they only had daughters and so he would cut off their heads too or like draw and quarter them damn girls you yeah girls used to have a crazy bad i'm so glad the world's better for women guys like yeah i really want to have a son yeah well you're fucking stupid for that nine daughters why so you can play football you can do that with a girl

too yeah dude i'm going to teach my daughter uh how to weld or something i don't know i'm probably teach your guy stuff i'm probably gonna teach your daughter how to ride a bike so that way you can't oh you're gonna be gonna beat me to it yeah i'm gonna teach your daughter a bunches stuff like um how to fly a kite and stuff yeah i'm gonna be like why you know how to fly a kite uh well uncle thomas hires people to come teach me stuff he doesn't even teach me himself so there's nobody connected to the memory just a stranger teaching Uncle Thomas has been stealing moments from you He wanted me to tell you

Uncle Thomas had some random person Come pick out a wedding dress for me And some size I don't even know if it's gonna be my size I'm 10 so way I don't know if I ever want to get married Yeah I'm in fifth grade but Uncle Thomas insists You call me like screaming I'm like I really First of all I don't really understand where you're coming from

tone wise On this I feel like this is coming from a place of malice and almost disappointment. Uh-huh, yeah. I really feel like, I really feel like you don't appreciate what I'm doing for you, which is giving you more time to abandon your family while I make a little bit of money on the side, you know.

It doesn't feel like you're happy with me at all right now. Feels like you're upset about something. Right, right, right, yeah. I get this weird feeling that you're upset about something. What's going on with you? What the fuck is wrong with you? What the fuck is? You're therapist

What the fuck is wrong with you? Your shit is really fucked up And you're emotionally fucking stupid What do you mean? You don't know how you feel It's fucking easy to know Because you can feel it Think about it

Just what is inside your head right now Well yeah No shit yourself You got molested in shit Being molested sucks It's one of the worst things So you feel bad Because it feels bad

To have that happen Yeah Yeah Anything else fucking idiot. Anything else? I just got an email from the movie theater.

I'm supposed to be at the movies. I want an email list for the movie theater. There's no one new movies come out and are playing there. Yeah. Oh, my husband just texted me. I'm okay. I thought you were a girl. Sorry, I need to kiss my phone.

Me and my husband have this thing. Sorry, I know I'm in your... Yeah, my husband, David Fonle. when me and David Don't hold on Alert Alert Alert

Uh incoming Ad read Coming in now Pausing David Phonely To be resumed If something's been off

In the bedroom You're not the only one Trust me on that Believe me Everybody in the whole world Every guy in the whole world's dick is broke And that's why A

Snapped in too A lot that's why a lot of guys wait longer than they need to take action because That's oh sorry that we don't sorry to kiss it back to life the ad copy on this doesn't call for sucking But that was the that will be next to weeks read those is just kissing Yeah so it says in the copy make sucking sounds but that's for next week not this one okay So stop doing it please The difference now getting real treatment is simple and through hymns it's a hundred percent online To get simple.

online access to personalized affordable care for ED hair loss, weight loss, and more. Visit hymns.com slash PT. That's hymns.com slash PT for your free online visit. Hems.com slash PT. Prescription required. See website for details and important safety information. Sildanafil is the generic version of Viagra. Viagra is a registered trademark of Vietris Specialty LLC.

Hems Incorporated is not affiliated or with or endorsed by Vietris Specialty LLC. So, yeah, I mean, I really thought that I could talk to my therapist, but he keeps kissing his phone and saying that he's married to a guy named David Fonely. So I was wondering if I could get a new therapist. I know you're just lady at the front desk, but if there's anybody else that I could talk to, they would be my therapist. I would really appreciate it.

Just really unprofessional. Well, honey, I'm sure we could find something for you. Can you name me all the therapists that work at this clinic? Garnley David Phonely No not David Phonely that's the husband What's Garnley like? Is it just one name? What is it?

Garnley is She's a looker She has all that in the Grandfather Clock The front desk ladies Tom waits She's all that in the grandfather clock if you catch which way my shadow's blowing it. Thank you. Tom, Tom Waits. I'm going to go no on Garnley. And just to skip through him,

we're going to go no on David Fonle. I don't want to be involved. So, but, but let's, let's assume that Garnley is out. Who else do you have? Did I mention Garnley? You did mention Garnley? All right. Rofold, though. Lafaldo? No.

Rofaldo. Rufaldo, okay. What are they? Rolfo. The Riggler. Rofaldo, the Riggler. Is he a licensed therapist at this clinic? Not even close.

Okay, well, I mean, if he's not a licensed therapist, I really don't feel comfortable sharing my trauma with him. He shouldn't. Why? is he called the wriggler though? Do I want to know or? Well, he regals in a lie and unsightly

manner. Okay, I figured as much. We can move on. I do think I might like him better than Garnley, but his teeth are sharp as the eye of an iron. Like the letter in the word? Iron

Okay I mean the I the organ And the tool Okay Of the three you've listed I'm gonna I'll go Rolfo the Riggler There's a hundred

PUD hundreds Hundreds and hundreds And hundreds and hundreds Of hundreds of therapists The world's biggest Building Tom waits How did you get this job

You're like A famous musician I'm a millionaire That's why they hired me Okay, let's Let's move on I don't want to take up too much of your time But there are hundreds

The world richest musician Tom Wade Billionaire So other than Rudolfo the Riggler Garnley and David Fonle Um You can, we can let's just keep going down the list

Um I just maybe it'll make it easier for you I really need somebody to kind of give me building blocks, you know, to like take control, take back my life. So if you have somebody who specializes in like childhood trauma and like

anxiety and like executive dysfunction, like, you know, that's kind of who I'm looking for. So maybe that'll help you narrow it down. I know you said this is the biggest building in the world. Your Tom Waits, there's hundreds and hundreds of thousands of therapists in the building. Yes.

So if you can use that. Well, there's one. Okay His name is Childly Kiss Hundreds Okay He is a licensed therapist Though at that

Define Okay Childly Kiss Hundreds What is his specialty You know some people specialize in like PTSD And Like what is his specialty Uh

His coat coat it's furry oh okay okay okay and well it sticks to human skin

and human skin sticks to it like a fly to a wall when the wall is well sticky in nature due to whatever factor

well whatever the wall had going on making it sticky, the fly landed there causing a stuck effect in that metaphor. Okay. So Childly,

as you know, is one of the most evil men to walk this earth. I don't know that at all. His nickname in college was skin cancer.

Well, I didn't I didn't know that he was evil. Didn't know that he was evil. Just what his file says. I didn't care until today.

Still don't. Given, I don't really want to talk to anyone evil. His signature is just a kiss. That's what it says on the paper. It says, you know, doctor handwriting. No, yeah. Tends to lean on the air to the side.

Well, I think Childly Kiss Hundreds will probably go down, down at the bottom of the list. He's cheap, though. $1 for five hours. Okay, well, I'll bump him up the list. He's above Garnley and David Fonle, but under Rodolfo the Riggler. so he's number two

I just the coat that sticks to human skin and the fact that he's evil and I'm making it hard for me I hope you can understand here's a less sinister character you filled out your paperwork

I did right yeah yeah well get ready for a lot more with printer paperly she's white and Square. And square.

Yep. So let your imagination run wild. I think I'll go with Miss Paperley. She sounds nice. Yes. And she, there's something else about her. You should know.

Okay. What else? I'm fucking her. Oh, okay, Tom. Yeah, in the ass. right now? No. After work,

we do it on the desk. Okay, Tom. Waits. I throw everything off the desk again. I unshaft myself. I fully deshafted. Okay. Fully remove.

I have a... Every man has another layer that can be circumcised. Okay. Okay. Okay. And most don't know about. Yes. Because it hurts so bad to do and never heals.

This is news to me, Tom. Yeah. The urethra can be, it can be taken down to just that. Oh, just the tube. Just like that. Just the tube. Okay, great. Like when you use a compostable straw for too long.

Mm-hmm. Sort of like that between your legs forever. And you use that to fuck. Miss Paperly. I try. All right. I mostly have to eat her out. I thought you said you fucked her in the ass.

Yeah. I was lying. Mostly with my eye. I was lying. We never had sex. Well, I don't think I need to know all that. You could just put me down for Tuesdays at 2 o'clock. That's okay.

All right. I've got you down with gracious. No, I don't want to see. Who's gracious? Oh, shit. I want to see Miss Paperley. Miss Paperley. Oh, I look like.

Okay. Are you sure? Childly touch hundreds. Not an option. I thought it was Kissed hundreds. Is this a different guy? A different guy. Way worse.

Boy, you thought Kiss hundreds was bad. Wait till you meet his cousin. I don't want to meet him. There's hundreds of them just in this building. The world's biggest building. There's, you know, it's over, it's over 10 stories tall. 80 miles wide. It's over 10 stories.

It's got over 100 rooms. Imagine an apartment building times 10. Oh, fuck. Okay. It's even bigger than the Pinnogram. You mean the Pentagon, Tom? No. No, I don't.

People always ask that. If I mean the Pentagon. What a stupid question. What a stupid question for a fucking dumbass to ask. I don't want to meet kiss hundreds or touch hundreds. By the way, if they're cousins, the names aren't the same so is the is there like a different different mom's side do you know how like in irish and scottish and stuff mac is like son of so is touch like the you know pre the prefix and then this

actual surname you know like hundreds could be the father it's not a first and last name it's combined i understand yeah so like mac greger touch hundreds like that no No, it's Childly is part of the name Oh, okay, gotcha So it's just a Two different names It's like Korea where the first name is backwards

From the last name Yes Okay It's like Korea Great, okay Well I did make my appointment You guys have my insurance We don't take insurance

Okay There's no space in it for the building The building's too big Uh, wait That doesn't make sense Yeah. Seems like there will be plenty of space due to the size of the building. Do you think therapy works or do you think it's just like a scam?

I think that it helps. I think that for a lot of people, it's good to go to therapy for something particular to help you with something particular. like to help you through it for a period but I don't think that most people need to be going to therapy like a year around their whole life that doesn't really make sense

unless that helps you but like does that make sense like I've been through periods where therapy like helped me but then I kind of that was only with a couple people I like I was vibing with on that level. Yeah, yeah.

Like, um, don't get, I, I feel like getting a therapist that's too close to your age. It's like not a good idea. Oh yeah. No, you can't have like old old, old guy who old guy therapist is usually pretty good. Yeah. Not always, but I've had good luck with old guy therapist and older woman therapist. Dude, young woman therapist, absolute dog. young woman's therapist.

I've also had I had an old woman therapist one time telling me that nicotine it's harder to quit than heroin. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I've heard that before. And she said, well, I've quit cigarettes before. So I would know, we didn't fucking quit heroin,

which I didn't either. But you know why? Because I had never tried heroin because I know I couldn't quit that shit. Because I'm fucking stupid. And I can't quit anything. I can't even drink. Can't drinking Coca-Cola. I can't.

Like, I can't drink, yeah, can't quit soda. I'm addicted to fucking soft pretzels. Yeah, like,

I think, I can't be around anything. I think there's a certain type of, like, I don't, for me, you know, like,

I, depression and anxiety, like, for sure real, but like, I also think, like, you're not,

some people aren't depressed. We just live in profoundly depressing times. It's like, you don't have general anxiety disorder, disorder like you live in a precarious situation like no amount of talking or like medicine is going to change the fact that you like can't afford to pay your rent yeah i think there's that and i

think also like um unless you're like schizophrenic or something sometimes it's good to just fucking pretend you don't have a depressive disorder yeah yeah yeah literally just fucking i've completely i mean not completely uh i still um visibly miserable most of the time. But I kind of you know try to just live life like normal and keep in mind that I have to

socialize and exercise and stuff to be normal. And then I'm pretty well adjusted, you know what I mean? For sure, yeah, like... But if you're like, well, I'm the eternal victim and, you know, which isn't, I have to say,

like, a lot of people have had way different lives than me. Yeah, yeah. I kind of get, I mean, if you have like schizophrenia or something, that's kind of different, like you're somebody who kind of probably should be

checking in more often. But if you're a regular guy, sometimes you just got to fucking get over and stop eating fucking Pop Tarts every 30 minutes and jacking off fucking air. Some guys jack off like once an hour. And they're like, yeah, I fucking never feel motivated to do anything.

And I got to say, man, I'm not like a, super conservative with this stuff but like dude if you're cranking out like five fucking five plus loads a day it's like yeah that does make you wanna fucking die and just eat chips

and the way to not do that is to do anything else anything else yeah like if you're only looking at your phone hand and penis yeah that's all you're gonna do is fucking beat off and eat

but if you just like literally go for a walk you can go that entire walk not jacking off hopefully yeah yeah i think like i definitely have been and on occasion am still guilty of uh

eternal victim syndrome where i like uh i'll get really down on myself for because like i'm like fuck man bad shit keeps happening but then i remember well i just come from like a nobody in my family for like 200 years as far as i know like ever really figured it out so like I have to be like oh I'm the first guy to almost figure it out but I have a bunch of shit in my blood and in my mind and in my fucking like line of

my blood line that's like just a bunch of guys that walked around and like fucking through people downstairs and like got hit by my trucks and like got killed by like bugging horse and buggy and stuff like that like eight they were in the woods and they like killed like a beast and then they let the beast rot and they ate its meat and they died like just guys just dumb guys i don't believe in luck but just i believe in really dumb stupid impulsive people and i that's the that's my whole life and so that's why like i i was going to therapy for a while because i was like yeah you know how it is you've been around me some nights sometimes when i'm drinking i's everything's cool and then sometimes it's not cool not like i'm an asshole and i'm

like fucking being mean and sometimes I just you know I go I yeah I go on my my walks or whatever the fuck um but uh I get really depressed but it's like well the reason I'm really depressed is also kind of to your point but like not jacking off the reason I'm depressed is because I had 19 beers and it's only 10 p.m. You know what I mean like you can have four beers and not be like everything in my life's fucked up. I've never had four beers and gone goddamn everything of my life's fucked. I'm never going to amount to anything. Nothing good has ever happened to me. I've had 19 beers and thought that. You know what I mean? Like, and you've never, like, I've never had two Miller high lives and been like, god damn, I don't think I'll ever like be all right. You know,

I think I'll always just kind of be this kind of fucking sad, sad, sad cocksucker, you know, like, it's so weird. I'm laughing and like, in my head, I'm laughing about like hanging out with you and I only have two beers and I just turned you and I'm like, it's all fucked. I do the shit that I have done in the past when I'm like blackout and we're just trying to go home and I'm like it's all fuck man it's just all this fucking shit man I can't handle it anymore but it's just I have like one and and you you think that I'm mad at you but I actually just have the spins really bad and I'm going mm-hmm yeah because you've had 180 milligrams of THC you're just trying not to get scared I'm just trying to I have my fucking toes dug into the corporate

and the next day you're like man, I'm sorry. You're the next day, you're like, dude, I'm fucked, I fucked everything up. I'm so sorry. I'm like, hey man, you literally did not. And you're like, you always say that, but I know the truth.

I'm like, I always say that because you literally never, you literally never ruin anything. You literally never ruin anything. Just say sad shit to, we hang out all the time. Yeah. Because we're friends. So,

like, yep. Yep. I, I'm fucking, everything. gone. I said yesterday I said that I've been going through a hard time and probably no one of my friends are going to ever

talk to me again now. I did all week from the Bachelor Party I was sitting in like text privately to like the Bachelor Party group chat and they were all like, you're fucking retarded dude like you do this every time. I'm like no I mean I'm just man I'm a piece of shit like I even girls don't do that even girls

don't care that much about their faux paws crazy well it's like it's like in my I think what it is is it's like I the only time like you know you get certain shit out

in the therapy but like I like I love sitting next to Frankie after we both had 15 beers and being like God damn it's all over and it's my fucking fault and then he's like hey man we should just we should play tech and tag and order pizza

and then after like and then you know the next morning I'm like hey man did I do the thing and he's like yeah you did the thing but like you need to understand that's not annoying at all. It's just like, it's just, I mean, it's like a thing that you do sometimes when you, when you have too many beers as you go. You know, too much shit can happen to a man and I just feel like I'm never going to be like a normal guy. I missed every one of your existential moments because I went to bed at like 8 p.m. every night.

Yeah, and dude, you were so cozy. Like, on Friday. It was a very comfy bed, dude. Shout out to Frankie. That was an amazing Airbnb. Yeah, that was super. Cozy ass mattress. It was like 7 p.m.

and I was like, I want a shotgun a beer, let me go get Thomas and I, like, crack open the door. And you were literally like, you looked like,

you looked like a sleeping woman in an ambient commercial. Like, you know how they're like smiling and they're like, that curled up? Dude, you look like supremely.

I was like, I'm not even gonna fuck with him. Everybody's like, where Thomas go? I was like, sometimes, I was like, you know how sometimes I walk away

into the woods? And they're like, yeah, I was like, sometimes Thomas just goes to bed. It'll be like, mid, we'll be like,

we'll be like, be like talking to you and then i'll like slowly watch you when we're at your apartment in new york i've i've gone over there like we hung out so much like we'll be bullshitting and you'll get off the couch and walk and you go into the kitchen and you'll be standing like a cat like by the bedroom door and we'll be talking and then like i'm like oh he's done like we've talked for like eight hours in a row for the podcast but you don't have it in you to tell me so you're just like yeah no for sure yeah it's like it's a lot of there's like a lot of good italian places around here it's like 1145 we've had like 10 beers

and you'll just be like you're like dude you have half your body in your bedroom you'll be talking to me like with like your foot and you're like I think I'm gonna pass it out and I go oh yeah no problem but like it took you like 10 minutes to get there no that's how it is I mean yeah that's funny

but um no I like yeah I don't know dude I go to bed I go to sleep so fucking fast a lot of the time now I never used to be like that well you like you got a shitty ass schedule dude like you're fucking like, you're scared. Yeah, but, but even, I mean,

I mean, what most people do is they just adapt their sleep schedule or whatever, whenever they have to wake up. But what real gangsters do sometimes is they just go, okay, cool, I get three less hours of sleep every night now. Perfect. Oh, dude, the Garmin does this thing where it'll be like, it'll give you your sleep score and it'll tell you your body battery. It's a bunch of fucking, like, stupid woo-woo shit. but like I'll like dude I'll sleep for like eight hours and then I'll check the fucking thing and it's like You actually slept like shit and you have no energy today and if you try to do anything it's just not gonna go good You slept like absolute shit and I'm like I don't know I slept pretty good

But then I remembered That um if you drink beer before bed Basically it does like you don't sleep You do close your eyes and time does pass But like you know your brain doesn't actually it's like the same it's like the same as like when you're literally like on a plane or whatever and you just close your eyes with the seat not even tilted back and you just go okay well maybe it'll be maybe this will be over whenever i maybe maybe it'll go faster if i'm just kind of going like this yeah and you just kind of

close your eyes and you open them and it's um it's been a minute and a half yeah me yeah yeah yeah and you're like dude this guy can't fucking touching me on the plane coming back I forgot to tell you. What? Did I tell you? No. They gave me a seat upgrade on Southwest, and they were like, oh, we gave you an increased leg room situation.

I was like, awesome. I look at my ticket. It's first row. I'm like one C or one B or E, I guess. I'm like, nice, man. I sit down and there's just nothing. It's just a wall in front of me. And I can't put anything under the seat in front of me because there's no seat.

that's fine middle seat that's not great but that's all right and this guy sits next to me and just immediately starts like like he takes off his shoes and then touches me with his foot no no

nudge him you know and he moves it and he fucking digs his elbows into my rib cage and I have to just elbow the fuck out of him and then I'm just glaring at him and elbowing the fuck out of him for the whole hour and a half yeah elbowing each other

uh huh and just being rude to each other and yeah and a normal person would just said something verbally like hey stop yeah but I just I was bending his armrest into his body to hurt him with his armrest

that's how pissed off was I was bending the seat I think to I wanted to I couldn't even verbalize how angry I was because I just was, I was just going to start killing him. You, you, I would, like, you trying to break the plane to hurt the man is very funny, but like, the, if you, this is a PPSA, if you take your shoes off on an airplane, I'll, I'll, the only thing I'll say is if you, if you do, if you're wearing slides with socks, I understand

slipping the slides off fine. And then he put his socks up against. he put both of his feet up against the wall like he was no like against the window aisle like window against the wall in front of us the wall oh you were like by the oh yes that's right he just put his shit up on the wall it was like sliding his feet up on down on the wall

no dude just looking at him like what the fuck was his socks or his bare feet his socks okay his sock touched my bare leg at one point yeah now was this guy big as fuck or was he like a skinny or what shape? He was like a

I mean regular build probably we were about the same height but like tech guy Was he white? No he was South Asian Oh okay okay okay cool cool cool

I may I may be in there and this is not me trying to be fucking crass but leave me alone but uh But maybe that's just like what they do on planes over there. No, this was like a, this was like a, like probably first generation guy.

So he knows, he understands. This is, this is a guy who had like an American accent. Oh, okay, okay, okay. This is like a born and raised guy. And to, I mean, there's no, there's a, this isn't a racial thing. This is really more of a personal space thing. Mm-hmm. And I don't wish to make it something.

It's not, you know what I mean. But yeah, I was very upset with that. And then I had a little layover action, and my next flight was very normal. And I was between two Texas women around my age who both seemed very annoyed that somebody was in between them, but it was a full flight, so I don't know why. People need to be.

um consider it yeah it's fine I don't know I feel like um man I feel like

uh flying like really sucks right now yeah I mean I guess it's just uh part of the being in you know the crumbling empire yeah

yeah everything yeah I mean people use the term in shittification a lot but like uh I saw I just saw on the news that like all the major airliners

were like hey, so if and when this crisis gets resolved, airplane ticket prices are not going to go back to where they were at. Before, it's just not going to happen. And I remember the same thing happened during COVID with like consumer goods. And what happens is something in the world, the crisis happens, and then everybody price gouges. And then we all know that they're price gouging.

We all know that people used COVID inflation and inflation. The CEO of Chipotle was literally caught recording, or not the CEO, the high up at Chipotle was like, we're just going to charge more for food and blame COVID. And there was like a big article about it or whatever the fuck. And back to the conversation we were having towards the beginning of the episode, it's like, they don't even like have the kindness anymore to be like, well, you know, things are expensive. They're literally being like, hey, we're going to increase the prices. We're going to blame war.

and then even when the war is done, we're not going to bring the prices down because all of us, we started making more money and we won't trade away even 0.01% of our decadent, gaudy lives to return you to some semblance of normalcy in yours. We're not going to do it.

And also, I know that you guys know where we live. It's super easy to find out where we live. It's super easy even to find out where our kids go to school. You're not going to do anything about. about it. Ever, ever, ever, ever, ever. Even though there's, even though,

statistically speaking, like numbers-wise, we actually don't know how many assault rifles are in the country. There's conservative estimates, 60 million, but some people say maybe even up to 100. We don't know because some people make their own. We know that you're not going to use any of those to turn our families into red goo. So ticket prices for everything, bananas,

condoms, fucking soda, goddamn cookie cream. Everything's going to be more. more expensive and once the world, let's say the world does return to quote unquote normal, all the prices will continue to be high and nothing good will ever happen to you as long as you live. Does that sound good? Swag. Yes. I'm the girl of the world. I'm the girl and I, my money is all makeup is so expensive and so are my shoes. Pink high heels and red lipstick and pink blush. pink blush I'm the girl of the world

I'm a girl and my hair is pink I have to ride in a pink airplane Oh no The cost of pink fuel is so high Alright That's really funny That's it Anyway thanks for listening

Oh I have a couple plugs that I've been meaning to do Go ahead Okay I really am doing them this time okay let me look tomorrow or tomorrow

okay tomorrow in uh Pottstown Pennsylvania at Rivett Canteen Assembly um

there's a show at 7th is called Chelsea's birthday bash and I'll be on there with Drew Montana Will Craig Matt Peoples um

And then on Saturday I will be Fuck me Fuck me Fuck Oh where is it Okay Do you want to do your plugs real quick

I don't got shit going on right now Okay This Saturday I'll be at the Velve That's it at 8 p.m. Tickets of Elvita Room.com Okay Bad manners comedy At uh uh...

uh... 260 Mott Street and St. Uh, Street in Lolita. Saturday, May 16th at 8 p.m. I will be on a show with

Dan Toomey, Tommy Bayer. Nice. A few other dope-ass people. Um, so please come to that. Fuck yeah. Um,

head on over to patreon.com slash Pandeo time and give us a sub. I'm filming more video episodes this weekend, so be on a lookout for those. Uh, And thanks to everybody for listening to the show. Goodbye. Bye. Good.