Pendejo Time - the worst its ever been

Episode Date: May 20, 2021

sometimes folks you show up to bat and its not just that you strike out, you shit yourself so bad that your uniform has to be burned and your parents leave the game and drive immediately to a divorce lawyer. this is one of those times. Support the Show.

Yeah, you gotta work on those countdowns. No, I don't. I don't. I don't. A lot of people only tune in for the countdowns. Yeah, they listen to the first, uh, one, one second of the show. Yeah. Those guys are the true fans.

If your 3-2-1 countdown only takes one second one second you got it man just fucking never mind yeah well boys we got us another

another one of those ones if you're a long time listener you'll know. Sometimes I go to a place called Dream World. Mm-hmm. It's a place that made Shrek. Did you do anything cool this weekend uh i love to ask jake this only on wednesdays yeah yeah you

like to ask it to me when yeah uh no i did drive through the storms last night i told you about it it's pretty fucking yeah i was like you said you'd never seen lightning before right yeah no well cause I I've lived to the very shell well cause you Jake has been trying to see lightning for a long time but every time he tries to look at it here's the he can actually hear thunder before

he sees lightning it's a magic gift but um he'll hear the thunder and then he gets scared and he closes his eyes that is true i do don't i yeah i get i start to shake i bark a lot yeah you jump up in my lap when you get scared of lightning but yeah yeah it was pretty uh me but yeah yeah it was pretty uh it's pretty i was like yeah i got a tour an apartment at noon so i guess i'll drive through torrential flash flood and tornado warning rains which like normally i don't pay attention to the weather channel because what the fuck those guys know um but it was actually pretty bad and uh i was hydroplaning like a bunch of times and had to stop at a parking lot because it was, you know, gusting winds and rain.

But then I decided, you know what, fuck it. You don't know how to hydroplane safely? No. These, dude, these Texas drivers. These Zoomers, no. These, dude, these Texas drivers. These Zoomers, dude. These fucking. No, it's like a, it's like driving a boat. You know, you get the nose under the water.

And then that's how you get, it's like having front wheel drive. I don't think that's true at all. You get leverage. I don't think your's true at all. You get leverage. I don't think your nose is supposed to go into the water. No, the nose is the boat. Okay. And in this situation, most people pay 50% more attention to the starboard side of a car. That's true.

I did read that in Driver driver's uh digest yeah we're off to a good start dude if you start getting i'm gonna just you know it's you know, it's like they, uh, it's like they used to say, you know, what'd they say? You get two by the horse and three by the cattle. What's that mean? It's about wells. Um, what's, uh, like whales or like, like wells? Well, well, well, well, well. What's a... Like whales or like wells? Well...

Well, well, well. You should do a whole pun episode. I think people would like that. Why don't cows have feet? Let's hear it. Because they... Because they lactose. I'm gonna fucking kill you.

That wasn't even the original setup. I messed it up worse on purpose. So it would be. Why do you have how do you have without that? It's a trick question.

Two in the pink? Nope. That's gross. Can you not talk about that? That's yucky. That's yucky stuff. No, so you went storm chasing. I noticed you went storm chasing yeah I went storm chasing

I don't I don't like change my tires ever I drive a lot so my tires are bald I have no tread on my front my back two are pretty solid my tires are bald. I have no tread on my front.

My back two are pretty solid. My front two are just dog shit. And so, I was like sliding around a little bit. And I also like don't like do, I don't slow down. I just kind of go

you got a six wheel drive yeah no I drive the Batmobile so I've been thinking about putting treads on my Toyota Matrix tank tread yeah I've been riding through the city trying to intimidate people

but just with the car itself and so far it's not working at all i've realized that it's just a regular car so far so probably honks like a gay car too it honks like a bicycle like it's gonna it's i there have been situations where i've almost gotten hit by a car and i've like elected not to honk my horn just because i know how it sounds it's the weakest it's like it's like now it doesn't help that I do not lay on the horn ever like I just beep

so I don't really honk much never been much of a honker yeah you're something else you're a honky brother yeah I get honked at for switch you know being in two lanes

are you good at driving on the freeway uh no i consider myself a rather a rather. Uh, I don't know what that means. Cause people are like, I'm a good driver. And I'm like, okay, so like, what makes you a good driver?

And what makes me a bad one? Cause everyone tells me I'm a bad one. And they're like, oh, I like drive on the road. And I'm like, cool. So like,

that's what everyone does. What makes like people like, oh, you drive bad. Like, oh, you like, you break too much. And I'm like, like, that's what everyone does. What makes, like, people like, oh, you drive bad. Like, oh, you, like, you brake too much. I'm like, okay, that's what you do when people are in front of you.

So, I don't really have an answer to that question. But people tell me I'm a bad driver. But I don't know what constitutes. Like, unless you're driving for Daytona or, like, fucking Le Mans. I don't understand, like, what constitutes. Like, I can barely park. Yeah, like a safe driver or like a i do not get because i feel like there's a lot of good drivers who are

terrible in terms of legality but sure they're really good at driving technically yeah i mean like they're yeah they're i see what you're saying people who like are into cars and racing like i've been in the car people who are really good they have good spatial reasoning they can like cut in and out like i'm just talking about like i go from a to b and i do not kill myself nor anybody else which to me that's a good driver but like people like you drive like shit and like what the fuck now i do text and drive pretty much all the time yeah you're supposed to yeah yeah you're yeah it's it's condoned and endorsed i feel like at this point i've got all the distractions down i need it is a skill video yeah i can i can be asleep i can

have a gun to the side of my head in the window rolled all the way down and i'm looking backwards and i got the mirrors folded in you know you're sucking on the barrel a little bit no that would be weird. Oh, okay. Why would I do that? Because you're into that type of stuff. That's dangerous. No, you like that type of stuff. No, I don't. I actually, I've told you that I don't.

I specifically told you. Yeah, here's one thing, one situation I really wouldn't like. Hey, Jake. What are you doing? I got one thing that I need to tell you that i do not i'm calling you at 5 30 in the morning as i wake up and you're like dude it is late at night this better be good i'm like yeah i just woke up and i was thinking all night about how i hate this and i would not be interested. I think that they should make technology is so

They should make a technology that's new. They should. I don't know. They might have something like this. But there should be a way to put a gun to your head and pull the trigger and like bang and like flash

but you don't die. Yeah, it's called a fake gun. No, you go out. But you're... It's called... It's called not a you can i'm pretty sure you can die from shooting yourself with a blank if you do a point blank yeah like if you put it into your temple yeah i think it would fuck you up good i don't know if it'd kill you it would not be great is Is that how Brandon Lee died? No, they fucking, the prop team

like, they had like there was like a piece of metal that flew out. It was like like the prop team fucked up and like it shot out like something that was in the barrel supposedly and then he fucking

like died and stuff. Yeah, that happened because of me. It did? Yeah. Why would you do something like that? He's a fucking beloved figure. I hated him and his stupid, skinny father. Bruce Lee would have whooped on you, dude.

Dude, he weighed 17 pounds. That is true. He looked like a grasshopper. He was a grasshopper, dude. He was agile, green. I used to have only two posters in my room in middle school. One was Jimi Hendrix and the other was Bruce Lee. And neither of them, I might add, were John Stamos,

which it's cool that one of us can say. You said that you had a poster of John Stamos? No, I said I didn't. You said? I said neither. I only had two, and neither of them were John Stamos. Oh, I thought you were saying that both no I wouldn't have that two different oh the same John Stamos poster

that would be very funny you did have they're two different sizes yeah sometimes I'm looking for something more modest in the house I lived in I talked about a few episodes back we had like every stereotypical

college poster. We had the women sitting on the edge of the pool and their asses were out and each butt had the same thing. See, that would rile me way too up. I know, because you told me that you're a horny dog. Yeah. I would

have a bunch of fantasies you're like over my house i don't mean to be like overly sensitive but can you take that poster down can you burn that poster please i'm having fantasies can you burn that poster please? I'm having fantasies. Can you burn that poster in front of me please? Yeah. I just had a wicked thought. Yeah? What is it? I can't tell anybody ever.

Well you can't just start like that. You gotta tell me what the wicked thought was. Why would I tell somebody a wicked thought Look man we have an Open friendship now You know You're friends with other people Yeah you know

And it's all in my head Let's just go back to the hits Goodbye for you It wasn't even a hit nobody liked that dude And it's all in my head. Let's just go back to the hits. Goodbye for you. It wasn't even a hit. Nobody liked that, dude. Dude, it's funny. These last three people are the comments or the DMs or whatever. They're like, dude, everything has been really good lately.

And I'm like, I don't even know why. We're just in pain all the time. Yeah. Yeah. we're just in pain all the time yeah yeah it was like it started with the goodbye goodbye and then it went to like I don't fucking know people are like man dude these are

bangers and I'm like man this is so good I've just been not working out or eating good I've been going... Man, this is so good. I've just been not working out or eating good. I've been going totally insane. I'm just going to not hit the gym. And then in like six weeks, I'm just going to look like James Gandolfini,

but like without any confidence. Or money. If you suddenly became balding and like like the next time we do i'm talking like monday when we run this shit again and you're like 302 balding and you're like hey how's it going like uh hey thomas you're like oh, it's like a new thing I'm doing. You have like a gold chain and a white beard. I'm like, what are you... I've just been playing GTA. GTA 3.

Sorry, it's like a new thing. I'm just trying it out. I might go back to bodybuilding, but as it stands. I want to be 5'2", 318 pounds, and I want to be from Cherry Hill, New Jersey. And I want to work at a mall. Is that where the is that where the supreme house was uh and cherry hill uh i think so that also just might be where like yeah there's like two three or four people I know from Twitter who are there. I just know one. Yeah, I think that...

It's you. Yeah, it's me. No, it's fine. It's Big Dog Kurt, but... No, I don't know. Anyway, so we should do The Sopranos, but in Texas. And we're not Italian. We're old oil.

We're oil family money we could be the two brothers I'm it's funny that like any any even like minor oil filled company owners

you know pretty easily make more money than like every mob boss now yeah there's like not not nearly as much money in organized crime anymore yeah you do like the the worst shit imaginable to have the same amount of money as like a therapist i get like a like a like a well-to-do one you know but like you like rape murder and extort and traffic human beings for like 83 000 yeah i do yeah you definitely do well i mean i feel like they make the the top dogs gotta make like i'm not talking about them

the guy i'm talking about the guys who are like enforcers who are like oh yeah like like like it's not like like same with the cartel guys like the instagram guys who are like enforcers who are like oh yeah like like like it's not like like same with the cartel guys like the instagram guys who are like shooting with like like gold-plated ak's and have like month like billion dollars in their sheet rock of their house not not those guys i'm talking about the guys who like saw people's legs off they're not bringing in like a billion dollars a year in coke money they're making like 48 a year after taxes i don't think they're paying taxes i mean you got to that's how they got al capone man you gotta launder you gotta wash your shit up me i'm a big drug kingpin um i sell your body out on the streets yeah

that's how al capone made all his money yeah he was really sexy he was a really sexy guy and he looked great yeah he looked good he still does I talked to him the other day

I watched I said hey Big Al how's it going how's it going? How's it going, Big Al? He said, he said, hey,

Thomas, how you doing? I said, hey, Big Al, how you doing? He said, Thomas,

you can speak to me in your regular voice. I said, hey, Big Al speak to me in your regular voice. He said, hey, Big Al, it's how I talk. It's okay. It's okay, Big Al. Wasn't he like 5'3"? He's big in terms

of presence. Oh, okay. You sound like a... You do sound like a mob guy, but you sound like a mob guy with Down Syndrome. Yeah, that's most of them. Hey, yo.

I need you to buy me some candy at the store. I need you to buy me some Skittles. It's me. I was I need you to buy me some Skittles. It's me. I was wondering if I can have it at bed. I need you to pick me up at the store.

I got kicked out for stealing all the diapers. At Toys R Us, they're very, very mad at me. And they're telling me I can't hang out there no more. So I was wondering if you could bail me out once again. I'm sorry I got pinched. But isn't, I got pinched though.

I like to pinch sometimes. Johnny, I need you to steal me some sand. I need it for a sandbox. I need it for a sandbox I'm using it to make a big I knocked over a gas station Johnny Oh what'd you get big guy? I got two bags of M&M's

and I got the cardboard cut out of Jeff Gordon Johnny I need you to steal some macaroni for me cut out of Jeff Gordon. Johnny. I need you to steal some macaroni for me. Talk to Big Al. Give him the heads up. So do you please listen to my directions

carefully because I cannot make macaroni out of the box I need you to go get the cups they're called the easy mac cups I need you to give me about 42,000 of them but do not get the box

I cannot and I do not know how to boil water I cannot make Johnny Johnny I need help chewing this hot dog. I need

you to chew the hot dog up and spit it out in my hand. I thought somebody was moving. I thought somebody was moving I thought somebody was approaching me but it was

it was me moving my knee closer to me and it was coming up in the corner of my camera and I like looked over my shoulder I you know

if someone were to break through that window behind you right now they'd be getting up big big you know if someone were to break through that window behind you right now they'd be getting up me a little bit big load of something they hadn't expected well load of what is a load of punches right in the face and chest I've been looking at apartments and I want I bet you have

I don't know what that means sometimes you do get me with those yeah I bet you've been looking at apartments I bet you've been trying to get out of your shitty apartment and didn't do a much nicer one oh yeah I bet you've been trying to get out of your shitty apartment and didn't do a much nicer one. Oh yeah, I bet you've been talking to a landlord. You seem like the kind of guy who would be talking to, you know, real estate leasing agents.

I said, Big Al, I need you to give my security deposit back. I got scared and ate all the drywall. And they won't give it back. Just because I get scared. Johnny, they're saying I got to bring a pet deposit, but I don't own one. It's just for me. They get mad because I ate all the dogs. But I was hungry.

I'm sorry I ate your dogs and Johnny. You look sort of like a chewed up hot dog. You kind of look like the hot dog you chewed up for me a couple weeks ago. Johnny, are you listening to me? I said, Johnny,

I ripped down the fire escape. I got scared and I took the whole thing down. Johnny, they're telling me I got to pay for new doorknobs because I was chewing on them all the time. They're telling me, Johnny, I left the memory care facility, and they're saying I got to pay for new door stoppers because I was sucking on them too much like Twizzlers. I got kicked out of the mob for doing the mannequin challenge at Tony's funeral.

I was doing a Fortnite dance at Tony's funeral, and everybody got mad at me. Everyone got mad because I was at Tony's funeral and I set my Facebook status to chilling at the Chum Bucket. But it was a joke from Spongebob. Tony, do you know about Spongebob, Tony? You understand, don't you? I hate his villainous antics. How one day he's brought to justice. This, like, 30 seconds ago, this drifted from like genuinely retarded

italian guy and we're entering like williamsburg jewish like storefront storefront owner i'm sorry that i chewed all your door now it's like you gotta keep your accent straight. Yeah, I don't really know anybody. You know me, man. You don't know anything about you. About what? I've been working on a new magic trick, but I'm not ready to tell anybody about it yet what's it look like can I see it I have to be standing up straight but I can basically pop my kneecap

over the side it's pretty cool that's not a magic trick I don't think man well I invented it today at work so how about that okay that makes more sense I just sort of

went to push a log over with my feet and I was like oh cool new magic trick. Yeah. So, are you thinking you're going to become a full-time magician and just, like, harm? I'm about to leave the rest of show business behind.

I'm going to leave you in the dust. Once I get out to Vegas, that's my big ticket. Have you heard of Las Vegas? No, what goes on there? Oh, Jesus. Nobody knows. Because whatever happens there

stays in Vegas. Oh, okay. That's why they say whatever happens there stays in Vegas. Oh, okay. That's why they say whatever happens here stays. There's Vegas here, Vegas there. Vegas stays everywhere. Who came up with that? That's why they call it Las Vegas because whatever happens there, you lose it. That's why they call it Las Vegas because whatever happens there, you lose it.

I fucking hate you, dude. It's true. You know, the thing about being too, you know, really wealthy and successful entertainers. Sometimes you say something like, they call it Las Vegas

because everything you bring there gets lost. And that's all you need to say for an entire hour. Yeah. That's all. You don't really need to do anything. We could end the episode at 28 minutes. Yeah. And, uh, and people wouldn't even be mad because people really love and respect you. Yeah.

They respect our privacy. They really respect like who we are fundamentally as people and so we're we're more than just entertainers to them you know we're friends we're they're best friends they yeah they say hey are you all right bro you're in fucking reno right now dude i'm in fucking nevada do you like I'm fucking right outside Barstow California I'm like 500 miles away do you want to hang out with me and I'm like yeah of course and whenever I get a message like that I just

fucking I just start glowing because I really like it when I'm on vacation and uh the guy's like oh I see you're in fucking you know Texarkana why the fuck would anyone vacation in Texarkana? That was not a good...

Yeah, man, I see you've gone to vacation in Wichita Falls. Oh, man, are you in Odessa? Hell. Yeah. I see you're in Olney, Texas. Are you in Loving County? Yeah. Yeah, I just rolled

into Jacksonboro. I'm here for a honeymoon getaway. Hey, man, if you're ever in chico my dad's family is from jasper texas where they uh a really cool thing happened there yeah yeah you told me about it yeah that you were involved in right no i was gonna say

that a bunch of children were born no it was not cool what happened there but yeah i think i've told you i may have told them yeah everyone there is like super super cool and we would go to family reunions and everyone's like yeah what happened here was bad and we all hate it i'm i'm kidding they all they love that shit out there yeah it's like viter dude like uh out there and just like east texas i don't forget where jasper's at but if you're driving into louis i always know where jasper is because if i don't he'll jump on my back. Who's Jasper? Are you talking about Casper? No.

Jasper the ghost. Oh, is that his brother? Don't compare them, please. No. Jasper's his own little guy. I think the next logical step for me and you is both of us sit on a love seat wearing tuxedos. And I got my hand on your thigh.

No, no, no, no. We've already done that. I start moving in. We've already done that. This is something that... And I aim a pistol at my head and you aim one at your head and we put our heads together

and we pull the trigger and the bullet cancels out yeah if you do that the podcast takes a screenshot I'm glad

that you said that because had you not somebody would have and I would have laughed because that's funny. Yeah. Just like you just laughed so hard. Alright look.

And it's all in my head. I think about it. I want Guys if you're in the Fort Worth area and you want to sell me a cool truck... What happened to the fucking big radio? Dude, somebody bought it out from under me, I'm pretty sure.

Fuck. Come on, man. The guy didn't even, like, email or call me back. That's not cool. Which I said I was trying to get it. And I said this kind of confidently because I left him a voicemail and emailed him right after he put the listing up. So I knew I was, like, you know, a frontrunner. Because I wasn't going to try and bargain down or anything.

Like, I was going to pay asking price on it. But I was going to need financing, so. Yeah, that makes sense. You know, if you just got a bunch of cash lying around, you tend to get whatever you want. Yeah, you know what? But that's about,

those guys, that's hard work, man. Yeah, you know what? But that's about, that's, that's, those guys, that's hard work, man. Yeah. I think that I'm going to start being a hardworking guy. Yeah, that's good. I would like to be a guy who, who pulls himself up from his bootstraps. Yeah. Who makes cheese, cheddar cheese.

Yeah. Cheese, cheese, cheddar cheese. And I'm guarding my knees. I'm so tired. Yeah, we are. dude I'm so tired yeah we are I worked a 13 hour and then

and then I took a shower and I'm here now so if anyone complains that this is low energy by nature it is I will agree with you but you know what else was low energy

um I will agree with you but you know what else was low energy um or Ruth Ginsberg's fat ass and she still made a big difference you know it's a testament to how dedicated we are to this that we show up even on the days where you know you want to boil some chicken broth or you want to watch TV that we show up even on the days where, you know,

you want to boil some chicken broth or you want to watch TV or you want to drink two bottles of wine or you want to say, I'll start going to the gym again. I'm going to get up tomorrow morning at 6 and I'm going to go run. The thing is, if I woke up tomorrow at 6, I'd be just late for work. I have to get up. I'm supposed to be up. Look, I'm telling you, man, you got to get yourself

a fake work from home job, dude. I'm fucking telling you. You got to leave the rough and tumble shit behind because I swear to God, this shit is the fucking bee's knees, man. I've been doing it two years now, and now I'm actually making money doing it. And before I was just like assistant teaching or whatever.

I just didn't make shit. I had to fucking like bounce. I'm bartending on the weekend. But let me tell you, I woke up this morning, and I was supposed to be up at a certain time. And I did not wake up at that time. And that nothing happened. I just got behind my computer. And then I started working.

And then around like 1130, I said, I guess it's lunchtime. And I like drove around the city a bunch and then i worked till about five so i guess i did do like a full eight hours but it is at your own leisure and you get to do it like you know like in your underwear or whatever i i hope i never have to go back doing fucking nothing else. Yeah, that's cool. Well, you know, you're a college man, and I... You know, I... If there were coal mines in Dallas, I'd go down in there, and I'd...

Probably forever. I'd just waste away but you know how funny it would be to manage to be a coal miner while podcasting because there's like almost no coal mining

jobs there's like 10 coal miners I think it would be some form of cred to be like, yeah, well... Sometimes I'm actually down there in the mines doing solidarity

and I hear the N-word rattling around in the mines. Yes. And nobody even says it, it just comes from the earth. I'm down there teaching working class people about Adorno and fucking Capital. And I hear somebody say, damn, that's gay. And I just get so red.

And I get so mad. And I teach them it's not good to say that word no more and that's the end of that yeah that's awful yeah that was good I'm really glad that we got the walked out one

the fuck out we got to fully hash that one out I heard you talking you were looking at a way you were just looking past me We got to fully hash that one out. I heard you talking. I saw you. You were looking at a way. You were just looking past me. Like there was someone behind me that was intended to do me harm. You were just thinking about...

You weren't even here. Also, it wasn't very funny to begin with. I didn't know where I was going with it, neither. So I don't want to... I didn't have any I was going with it neither so I don't want to I didn't have any plans to take it we should quit doing this show I think

yeah we should just it's been good man yeah man Thomas has left the show I'm actually by myself right now still talking I would leave it for like Thomas has left the show. I'm actually by myself right now, still talking. I would leave it for like an hour.

And then I would text you and be like, oh, wait, I have to do this to get the money for it. You get mad at me over some small comment or whatever. We have an argument and you're like, dude, I'm fucking leaving. And then you're gone for a couple weeks and you're like, dude, I'm fucking leaving. And then like you're gone for like a couple weeks and you're like, oh yeah, I, we both really need this money. It's both really like sort of, it's fun, but I, I, I need, I need this bad. I don't want to call this something that's keeping me alive. I'm just saying it's one of the things. It is one of...

There are other things that's happened. I'm just saying this is definitely one of them. Not the biggest one or anything. It's somewhere in the top 22. It's just like the top 22.

Or, you know, like five. I was trying not to sound too miserable there for a second. Well, congratulations. I've been really on. Neither of us sound miserable. Yeah, we were both. I've just been really on this whole episode. It's really, really like I can see that it's just... Do you want to get our penises pierced and then chain them together?

Yeah, that'd be cool is yours super messed up because i know mine isn't um it's you ever see like a like one of them flatworms that live like real deep the ocean beds they're like real colorful and no no sure that's what mine looks like it kind of looks like a ribbon um yeah it's like a tape worm it's something like 12 feet long but it's like half a centimeter didn't like that weird weird metaphor I didn't like that weird metaphor cause it'd be

staying in there for like forever yeah it'd be sitting inside your guts for at least 5 or 10 making your life worse did you know that models used to it used to keep them skinny we should both spend the rest of our episode

watching videos on twitter yeah that's what you're doing We should both spend the rest of our episode watching videos on Twitter. Yeah. That's what you're doing. Yeah, I'm actually just doing... It's not what I'm... Thomas pulled his phone up. It's literally videos on Twitter. Look, everybody...

Poets sometimes go to the forest for inspiration, you know? So why can't I just not pay attention to this and be doing something else all the time? It's called multitasking. Yeah,

that's true. I mean, I'm applying for a house right now. Really? You want to be a house? Yeah, that's true. I mean, I'm applying for a house right now. Really? You want to be a house? Yeah, I do. Yeah. That's the easiest job ever. Just don't fall over.

It's like being a security guard. It's the easiest job ever, dude. Just don't fall over. Yeah. It's easy to tell their beds don't fall over. Yeah. Yeah. God damn it. Yeah.

There's this big burr oak that fell out into the street. So. I dealt with that today. Now I was yawning. I don't know why my tongue did that thing. Yeah, you know why I did it, dude. I think I was

yawning and then I was actually pretty low on oxygen. That's okay you want to hear about a throwback I bought one of those blue e6 today because I left my vape at home and dude talk about

it's crazy how much things have improved since those came out. Yeah, no, they're... Those things are awful. They're barely real. They don't, like, do anything. Yeah. They're like 2.4%.

Yeah, it's terrible. It's terrible dog shit. And it's like $14. I think it was like $11 for one. I had bought one of those so I couldn't find pods for my Caliburn or whatever and I bought a fucking Air Max

bar, Max bar. This thing's pretty fucking good dude um problem is is that uh now I have two cause I got the pods fixed so I'm just like breathing it's worse now I have like two

weapons at my disposal and I'm probably gonna give myself a stroke here pretty soon rope I'm probably going to give myself a stroke here pretty soon. Gross. I don't fucking, man. This one's free, right? I can't.

It's all right, man. It said, Be the doom. And we're off to It's free, right? I can't. Oh. It's all right, man. It said, Bida do. And we're off to the castle where they all know your name. Everybody knows your name. And the dream where it lied. And it's always the same. I'm working on a new type of plastic bag what does it do?

it's twice as thick okay is it a garbage bag? never it's high class what's the purpose? it's used as a trash can liner okay but you don't what's the purpose it's used as a trash can liner oh okay

but you don't you don't you put your trash you put the trash bag over it and then whenever you take your trash bag out in that one minute where you're on your way

to the trash can outside and then you come back it looks like there's already one in there. Oh. But there's not. You still gotta replace it. That seems like a really convenient and good idea that I'm sure that Well, you know

most people freak out whenever their trash can's naked. When it's what? Naked. Come on man. Naked. Say it. it's what naked come on man can naked say it i can't stand it i don't believe people actually say and i'm from the fucking state nay like a horse come on say no I know it's naked. But I know you can say it like I was just saying it's naked. I won't. It's a naked trash can. I won't stand for that, man.

There's no bag in there. It's naked. I don't say, oh, it's time to get naked. Time to get naked and hop in it. I'm stripping down. I'm getting naked. Time to get naked. I'm stripping down. I'm getting naked. I don't like it. I don't like that.

But you know what? Teach me. You don't like that because you have a mind like a pig, like a dog. I'm sorry. No, I might say it differently at times. But whenever I get this tired, I just, you know, I just default to talking like, you know, like one of those. Like a darn nincompoop. Well, that's true.

You do say that. Yeah, dude. It's okay when I say it. But if you call me nincompoop indirectly again, I'm going to put my fist straight through your eye socket. That's the real N-word right there.

The what? The real N-word is nincompoop. No, that's not the real N-word right there. The what? It's the real N-word. It's nincompoop. No, that's not the real one. It's definitely the real one, man. No. I know the real one, but I'm not going to say it. I would hope that you wouldn't, because it's not... I'll get you fucking fired, dude.

I'll get your ass fucking... Well, I mean, you wouldn't, but... I'm not tempted to in this situation. You're like, look, you wouldn't get me fired. That's not going to tempt me. There's not really, I mean, there's not like a tension here. I'm not going, I don't know. Well, wait, I do.

Wait, I do care. Anyway. I do care a lot. I do care a lot. I care. Yeah, it doesn't even matter to me. That's what I'm saying. I did not mean it. I didn't mean it.

Wait, you didn't mean it when you said it earlier. No, I definitely meant it when I said it. Yes. Well, there's a time and place. yes well there's a time and place it's such a funny thing you just hear a homeless guy shouting at you with a fucking view like well it's a time and a place I guess

you know how funny it would be if in someone's like official apology they were like I know there's a time and a place for it and that was not appropriate I guess a celebrity gets caught yelling at a bartender in some fucking club in la makes an iphone note apologies like look there's a time and a place for that type of label that's basically what that country guy said what was his name morgan wallen he was like i should have said that i guess it was taken i i think he said it was taken out of context.

Some excuse that he didn't... He was like, yeah, I probably shouldn't have said it then. Which, it was like... I don't remember exactly what... I think he said he was yelling at his neighbor. Yeah, yeah. It was something where he didn't... I don't care.

I really don't care. But he... One of those things like, yeah, I guess I shouldn't have said it at that moment but i do be saying it just let you guys just let y'all boys know i do be saying it well there is a funny crossover with that because there was like like people i knew who were like commenting on it, like just from online. And then there were a couple like girls I went to high school with who were like, anybody else still listening to Morgan Wallen, no matter what,

what they're saying, we still love them. We don't care. It's like, honestly, respect. If, could you imagine if like there was that much loyalty to like good artists you know uh i well i mean like they're kind of what do you mean yeah i guess there is

i guess like nikki minaj can do pretty much whatever. I mean, like, Woody Allen. People love the fuck out of him. People still, I mean, like... I don't know. I've never... I don't think I've seen any of his stuff. You have. Guaranteed.

Probably. Like what? Midnight in Paris. Owen Wilson. What's that about? He, like, goes to Paris and he gets in a car, goes back in time, he meets Salvador Dali and, like, Ernest Hemingway I haven't seen him

have you seen Annie Hall no oh I don't think I've seen any of his stuff I wasn't trying to be I don't think I've seen Woody Allen now this wasn't me going out of my way

to be I've never a Woody Allen. Now this wasn't me going out of my way to be I've never Who even is he? I know who he is. People like Hansel. I mean I feel like people I haven't seen any The last Owen Wilson movie I saw was fantastic Mr. Fox. Was he in there?

Yes I have. I have. Oh also You know what I liked him in the The Other Wes Anderson one With Bill Murray

The Life Aquatic Oh Life Aquatic with Steve Zasal Or Zissou or who the fuck Yeah Owen Wilson I really like seeing him and stuff. He's a, he's a Fort Worth guy. Yeah. He's from Texas.

All those dudes are from like around here. Or I say around here, like Texas isn't the second biggest fucking state. Like I'm not. Well, no, he's from Fort Worth specifically. Yeah. I. So that means he's, you know, like, kind of friends. Yeah, you guys hang out a lot.

You talk a lot. What do you mean, all those guys? His brother, like, Matthew McConaughey. Well, yeah, his brother is also from where he is from. They're brothers. Well, like Wes Anderson. Like, that crew that... Oh, Wes Anderson?

Yeah. I thought you were just saying the Wilson brothers are from the same place yeah they're from the same hometown yeah that's cool but they're brothers yeah the Wright brothers actually grew up to be dumbest history podcast that you could

possibly think of did you know Leonardo da Vinci was from Italy? Yeah. No, like Wes Anderson went to UT, I think. He's from Texas. I forget. One of the other guys they have that cranks through that fucking... His running roster.

He's from Texas. I think... What is his name? Jonathan Richman or something. That's not his name. I think I just made up a name in my head. Is he the guy from Rushmore? Jason Swartzman, but I don't know if he's from Texas. Is he? I don't know if he's from Texas is he I don't think so I think I might have made up a guy yes I think I don't really know much

about about those guys he was just someone I remember being like in the or whatever. Yeah. He's from LA. That's okay. Well, he has a cool mustache. That's good for him. I wish I could grow a mustache. You know what? This guy looks weird.

I'm not sure if I like the looks of this fella. There's just something about him. He's on the... Yeah, there's just something about that guy. I can't put my finger on it, but... He looks like shit.

No, it's the facial expression. His eyes... His eyes know something that the rest of him doesn't know yet. That's very poetic, man. Where'd you read that? A rupee fucking cobbler book, dude? You read it off a fucking Hallmark card, dude? Yeah, man.

You want me to read this? You want your family to read the suicide note I wrote for you? You're going to Kurt Cobain me? No, you're gonna actually die. Oh, is he still alive? Yeah, we... You know what's funny is if Kurt Cobain fake

killed himself, he'd just like get a job at a pizza restaurant or something. Yeah, I... He would have just became like a QAnon guy. Like Billy Corgan or whatever. Is Billy Corgan Q? He's like a

libertarian like pro-wrestling like Israel guy now. All those like grunge rockers that didn't die of heroin overdoses, they all became like, I don't know, like just like just old, like fucking millionaire guys that are like, yeah, I like, uh, which like honestly respect dude, if you have like $50 million and you still have the same opinions you had when you were like 20 years old and like doing

heroin and being a piece of shit like you're stupid just join the club man you don't have to be like fucking progressive anymore just fucking just i mean i dude if i make if i make if i make 500 i'm just gonna become like a full-blown like fascist, I think. Yeah. Well, you're close now. Yeah, no, the haircut, just my... Me, I think I'm too much of a darn dirty commie.

Yeah, you're definitely a... To ever turn against a proletarian. I think that you're probably the most communist guy I know. Yeah, by a long shot. That's one of those things where like I probably

agree with it but like also it's yeah it's fine. Yeah. Yeah it's like someone's like yeah I'm like Mark Sutherland

that's good are you? I'm like yeah probably right now like I'm kind of mostly like just lying about learning guitar that's sort of my thing but like um and then also eating like half a box of fruit snacks at a time

and like staring at the wall but like that sounds good too like reading a book um and then being mad all the time. That works. I don't know. I don't know. I feel like my life as it is now is going to play out with me going bald despite claiming I'm never going to go bald. And then I'm going to get a goatee.

Thomas just got up and I'm going to get a goatee. And then I'm going to get a truck that has a Confederate flag on it, and then I'm going to crash it. Thomas, you all right? You okay? Yeah, I just drank a glass of water. Probably didn't think I could do it that fast but just open up the gullet and then just

can you make that sound again I'm going to clip that repeat it a little bit slower there we go and dialed in got it alright thank you see that would be the most editing you've ever done on here. It's funny.

That's not true. The audio's been pretty good. It hasn't been bad. I'll usually, like, now I'll just click on it and, like, hit two spots in the whole episode and be like, okay, cool. That works. It's been pretty solid. The episodes, everything's okay cool that works it's been it's been pretty solid the episodes everything's been great this one's been really good and i really liked it

yeah this is what this one's been probably the best one i've been trying to i really i i remember when we had that weird thing where the premiums were like this and the free ones were just fucking like way worse. And we were like, yeah, that wasn't bad. And then I would like listen to it for the quality after and the quality was dog shit. And then I was like, yeah, I saw a bug. And you're like,

yeah, did you eat it? I bet you fucking ate the bug you fucking. I'm like, yeah, that's okay. Well, folks, you fucking I'm like yeah that's okay well folks I would like to thank you for tuning in

and if you if you want to subscribe after listening to this amazing episode first off I just want to apologize

yeah I for Jake yeah I've been he was really off this game today and he he has really bad anxiety

so he's been dealing with that his whole life so if you have anxiety please try and talk to Jake about it for like a couple hours tonight. Yeah, DM me about your problems, please. Alright.

Later. Hey. Peace. Well...