Pendejo Time - They Done Put My White Ass in a Bird Bath

Episode Date: November 4, 2022

Sorry for the late upload. Jake's fault. I've never done anything wrong -TSupport the Show.

Don't you suck dick without me. No, no, no, no. Don't you. Yeah. Don't, don't, don't, don't. Don't please do not do that. Don't you drink all my sweet tea. As you drink my drink. You like that one? I do like that one. Don't you drink all my sweet tea. As you drink my drink. You like that one? I do like that one.

Don't you drink all my sweet tea? Yeah, that's... I'm so thirsty. Don't you take donuts from me? That's my brekkie. I like how my version involves a gay orgy, and yours is just like lunch, which is, you know, this guy's par for course for the both of us. Can you grill me a grilled cheese?

Yum, yum, tasty. Jakey, I'd like a grilled cheese Cheese, cheese, cheese, cheese With some tasty french fries And a Dr. Pepper Everybody wants to eat hamburger I can't think about this song without thinking about my dad's lick my balls version Oh yeah, that was good I can't think about this song without thinking about my dad's lick my balls version. Oh, yeah.

That was good. I was just like, literally the day after he passed, I was at my mom's place, and she was like, have you seen his video of that? And I was like, what are you talking about? She was like, I can't believe he never sent you this. And just pulled up Facebook and scrolled back, and it was at her old apartment. And it's funny, because the first minute 40 of the song just sounds like a good cover,

like an acoustic cover of the song. And then, so you're like, well, do you remember this? I was like, I don't know. He's singing the song I was supposed to be saying. It sounds pretty good. And then, of course, the big selling point is he just, you know, everybody wants to lick my balls, and then just shuts the fucking

video off it's just fucking classic i uh i like downloaded it to my computer and i was like all right i'm gonna i'm gonna eq this and i'm gonna throw it up on i'm gonna throw it up on the internet um what do we got going on th Thomas? What are we doing today? We're doing... You know we're doing the damn thing. We're recording an episode of our show. We're recording an episode of our show. Sorry for the late episode, guys.

The thing about... Shut up. Don't fucking... Don't be mad at us. We didn't do anything wrong. What are you mad about? Shut the fuck up. You mad at me?

What, are you going to hurt me? Are you going to pin me down? Are you going to start fucking me? I don't want that. You can't be mad at Thomas. You can be mad at me? What, are you going to hurt me? Are you going to pin me down? Are you going to start fucking me? I don't want that. You can't be mad at Thomas. You can be mad at me, I guess. I've never done anything wrong. I've never ever done, you know.

A lot of bad things. People have harmed me. People have hurt me and twisted my words. I'll tell you, that's happened a lot. I've got a lot of trauma, personally. Oh. So much trauma. More than you could ever know.

I have more trauma than you, actually. So if you think you have you have traumas dude i love the new uh this isn't new this is like a old like internet thing but um the uh the like misabuse and use of misuse and abuse of the word narcissist like in terms of relationship dynamics like people make videos or it's like uh yeah my ex-husband uh was a narcissist he would do stuff like uh he didn't want to go to home depot with me on sundays he wanted to stay you know or then like uh you know people would be like oh well i dated a sociopath people like oh what made him that way it's like he uh didn't like uh the pixar movies that i liked or whatever it's always like this term that means something typically it means somebody who's really like you know like kind of pulls the heads off animals and stuff i dated this total narcissist you probably heard of him r kelly yeah complete narcissist yeah real narcissistic

guy he was so he was so self-absorbed he really just didn't understand what he was doing to people yeah he just he'd treat you like a kid yeah he would talk to you like you were 14 years old yeah uh really disrespectful guy felt like he was just shitting on me every time he talked to me. Yeah. You know, when people I knew that dated the guy just, you know, he felt like they were all being infantilized, you know. They felt like they couldn't leave, you know. Like they were stuck. You know.

People say it's evil to be r kelly's lawyer but you know there's other people who are lawyers for lockheed martin i'll tell you what r kelly didn't drop any bombs on syria he's dropped a lot of piss a lot of young girls trying to like in a roundabout way, like, take that, like, political take. You're like, look, hey, I'm not saying what you did was right. Somebody's got to do it. If it wasn't maybe somebody else defending R. Kelly. We can't trust the chopper guys to be hard-hitting now, you know. We got to take over their mantle.

Right. You know, people say, why not just let any other lawyer defend R. Kelly? Well, if I wasn't doing it, then somebody else would. Would you rather me be working for BlackRock and killing people in South America for money? R. Kelly's never killed anybody. As far as we know. Are you mad that I'm working for a self-made black man? Sounds like somebody's a little racist. Sounds like, oh, I'm sure if I was working for Jared Leto, there wouldn't be a problem. Is Jared Leto? Right. Wouldn't be a problem. Hmm.

Is Jared Leto. Right. I don't know if he's had any. I might have made that up. I don't know if he's ever done anything bad. He's probably a good guy. I don't think he's a good guy. Sorry, guys.

Jared Leto's innocent. Jake told me just now. He said, Thomas, I'm close friends with Jared Leto's innocent. Jake told me just now. He said, Thomas, I'm close friends with Jared Leto. You can't be talking. Keep Jared Leto's name out of your mouth. That's a quote from Jake. Jake who? Jake Gyllenhaal, my good friend.

You know, working as a cop in the bronx in the 70s was uh was a difficult thing uh you know you had all the uh i don't know what they're calling themselves now but you had all the gremlins running around listening to that gremlin music and all of them all their riots and protests funded by the wizard you know the wizard yeah so you know you had to when you were down there you know uh you're trying to enforce the law in a way that means something to you you know and uh and every time you try to you know get people to pay you know taxes on their wells and you know castles and stuff you got your gremlins running around trying to throw rocks at you, cast spells at you. They're sort of the wizard's familia.

So, you know, anytime they're out there making a fuss, you know who to blame. It's the wizard. Right, it's the wizard. Right. So, back in the day, when you were a cop, your only job was to contain the gremlin scourge. Yeah.

It's like you're pitching an adult cartoon. One of those, I guess, subversive you know bojack i reckon more the adult cartoons to like hbo to like the most disinterested like like billionaire like evil entertainment guy he's on his phone he's like you're like okay so the gremlins right like so they're like a stand-in for blm right and the wizard is george soros this is all irony by the way yeah yeah yeah that's yeah no we'll green light it yeah for 100 yeah we just cut to couldn't burn you because i finally watched an episode so it's like it's fine yeah we just will pay for it uh yeah i mean so can you tell me a little bit about

the show yeah so the main character is this like you know he's like a conservative italian cop right and uh and his whole thing is is that he doesn't think the gremlins are appreciative of the life they have okay great and what does he do to the gremlins uh he destroys them with a big sword okay and so in what way is this like progressive or anything it's not uh i'm actually the writer i'm a huge sort of racist guy uh the daily wire didn't want to hang out with me anymore so okay that's fine yeah whatever listen man so here i don't know he's smoking he's lighting an entire cigar, like the whole thing. Like up and down the entire cigar.

Yeah, like the shaft. Yeah. Yeah, it's fine. It's not particularly interesting. I don't care. Listen, if you can just give me a show that does 20% as good as Euphoria, is there any way you could get the cop to fuck the gremlins? I don't know if that works with the political messages.

I really don't care. Do you think there could be like a trans girl that all the gremlins want to fuck? That seemed to work for you for you. I don't know if that was whose idea that was. So Amazon's maybe that was progressive or maybe it was. Yeah. I don't know what progressive means, but it it seems like it would be a bad thing. Listen, I'm just the VP of creative direction here at HBO Max.

So, you know, Amazon Prime, they have The Year I Turned Pretty. We got Euphoria. Netflix has some show about a common of age. Basically, what we're looking for at the streaming services is borderline child pornography. So if you can have, I guess, like, you know, Big Mouth, you know, we couldn't have that be acted out in real life because... You know, originally it was called Kids Mouth. And we really had to dial that back a lot. Standards and practices really got...

S&P was on our ass for that. Yeah, they said, we love the show itself, but you have to call it something else. Like maybe Kids Jacking Off. And we said, no, it doesn't have a good ring to it. So we were going to call it Little Boy Blowjob. Littleboyblowjob.com is going to be original name dot dot dot onion dot web uh yeah nick kroll already owned the website the urls that was very convenient yeah well he's the reason we had this show so i i mean listen i'm not saying to go out there and and for you to film you you know, child pornography. What I am saying is that if you want to make it in this town, kid,

you're not, political cartoons, these are things of the past. Cartoons about depression and, like, you know, interpersonal turmoil and all that gay stuff sucks dick and balls and ass cheeks. What the people really want is they want a show about high school, but they want people in their mid-20s to play it uh and they want a lot of like uh early like schoolboy qb side tracks and they want a lot of fucking um so i mean unless you're really coming to me with anything like that i don't think we're interested so do you have yeah so this is a new show I came

up with and it's like basically take a show about nihilism and but it's like the bird okay like realizes he's like a gay or something mm-hmm and so he like it's like a journey like he tells I don't really remember I already like the idea the pilot in the pilot he's gonna he's gonna make a he's gonna go he's gonna go to a movie

I already really like where this is going so yeah it's like hold on to your seat I already really like where this is going. So basically... Hold on to your seat. Basically, there's a bird, and it's a hummingbird. He's homosexual. His name is Hummy. Okay.

And this show is going to be called Hummy's Husby Hunt. Okay. Okay, that's... And this show is going to be called Hummy's Husby Hunt. Okay, so what I really like so far is the fact that the main character is a homosexual. Yeah. I really think that right now that is what we need. You know, we don't have a lot of that going on. Yeah. So...

Yeah, so basically he's like a gay hummingbird. And he has depression. We need to make sure that we get that. No, he gets it later. Okay, so it's a part of his character arc that he becomes. It's like allergies. He ends up getting it later from pesticides. Okay, okay.

So the first guy he tells that he's gay. Oh, he smokes So, the first guy he tells that he's gay... Oh, he smokes weed, by the way. He smokes bird weed. Oh, okay, and does he have like a jacket on? Yeah, it's like a vest. Like a bomber or something like that? Sure.

Okay, I like where this is going. He has a zipper somewhere. Does he say fuck, too? He... This is all in bird okay okay well i know i'm just kidding he says fuck okay awesome every goddamn sentence he says like fuck ass and he'll say like clown shitter oh Oh, that's really, really graphic. Um, the first guy he tells is a guy who's, um, maybe like a, a pigeon.

Okay. And he says, uh, I'm, um, honey. Uh, and I'm pretty much gay.

The pigeon is like, uh, and the pigeon is wearing a mechanics outfit, a full Dickie suit. Okay. Probably. And he says, yeah, more like Hummy the homo. More like homo. Hummy, where are you on the hunt for a hubby?

Homo. And that's how the show gets its name. Okay. And then like maybe Radiohead plays or something like an old Radiohead song. Yeah, there's a Pixie song and a Radiohead song playing at the same time. Okay, perfect. All right. I'm already, I'm super invested in this.

Just that part is $25,000 to clear. Because we have to ask the labels if we can play the songs at the same time. Okay. Which they have to make a whole new type of form for. It's a whole thing after that. So then, basically, as the show goes on, it just gets like, there's a lot of drama. Okay. And a lot of plot happens throughout it.

Okay, perfect. Honestly, look, look, I love that. Basically, it gets like really horny. Really hairy, really scary. Okay. Really flowery. Okay. And it's like eventually the bird, what's his name, Hummy.

Yeah. He will start, because they all hang out like at bird feeders. Yeah. He likes hummingbird feeders because that's his type of food. Okay. He likes the sugar water. If at any point could you have Lizzo show up as like a... Yeah, she's going to be a big, scary crow.

Or maybe actually a different type of bird, probably. Yeah. Yeah. Maybe she'll be like a dove yeah she'll be a dove okay so she looks more like a dove to me okay

so what I'm hearing so far I really like. I actually like that there's not a lot of plot. That there's ambiguity, really, in who the characters are. I like that the main character has depression. And that he's a gay bird. I like that he smokes weed. that he's a gay bird i like that he smokes weed um i like that if there could be a component of i guess uh you know like influences of the real world in this cartoon maybe the pandemic is real there or perhaps he works a dead-end job or you know he got a stimulus check like

if you could have elements of the real world in this cartoon for adults um then i really think it could drive home you know that this isn't just your average cartoon this is a smart cartoon um that is really funny and uh that people you know can really identify with like in the same way that people are like oh you know if you watch bojack horseman you know you should go to therapy i want people who watch our show to get arrested if that makes sense assuming you know that we bring you on an hbo that reminds me of like uh what i'm watching um bojack horseman in high school with my girlfriend at the time. And just literally not really actually

now that I think about it, relating to any of it. Yeah. Like, it's really not for like... I guess it is for people who are mentally a certain age, but it's... At that stage in life, I was like, ah, this guy sucks. Yeah, I had a roommate.

Um, he was in like his early thirties and, uh, he was just, you know, he's just a guy perpetually down on his luck. I'll put it that way. And,

uh, he would like, we would, you know, do a bunch of fucking yak together. And he would like, basically force me to watch boat. I never wanted to fucking watch the shit.

He was like, dude, I'm telling you, man, like the characters, the writing, like it's incredible. And I'm like, are we talking about the same show? Like you're talking about the cartoon with the horse, right? And he's like, you know, a former actor or something. And he's like a drunk and like a thrice divorced, like retarded loser. And he's like, yeah, yeah. But it's like, you know, there's just so many like i really think you would like it and i realized when i tried to watch it because i did like watch i think like the majority of the first season or whatever or like season i

realized that like yeah this is definitely like for a certain type of guy like i don't want to sound like oh go to therapy why don't you but it's like if you are watching the show and you really resonates with you, it's like, oh, man, that makes sense. Not to say you're shitty because you resonate with it, but it's like, I don't know. There were parts of it that were funny, but some people talk about it the way other people talk about like, like, what's that midnight gospel show? Or like Rick and Morty guys, they're're like you got to really understand like high level humor to get this and it's like what do you mean by that like do i need to understand like simpsons references from 20 years ago because i'm pretty sure that i got you know or like do i need to understand like advanced physics because i don't think that ever happens in the show i think it's

a cartoon you know i'm saying like it's i don't know in the same way that like really twee i guess like like the way that midnight gospel or like steven universe identified with a certain type of person the other end of that spectrum is like bitter jaded guys that are like yeah these cartoons are actually smarter and cooler and it's like yeah there's actually a lot of hidden jokes in kaiou once you watch it. Yeah, I want to, dude, god damn it. That's so good. I want to be in a social setting again where I'm being, like, basically insulted because I don't watch Bojack. I don't watch really, like, any type of, like, cartoon like that.

And be like, yeah, I mean, I heard Bojack was good, but, like, some of the, like, really subversive themes in Doraora the explorer are like like a lot of people don't even catch them like when she says like you know swiper no swiping like you know what that really means like you really just got to follow along and use you know like critical thinking skills to understand that yeah it really means like sucker no fucking yeah yeah it means yeah it actually means slurs uh i don't know if you know, but that's what that means. Anyway. That's the sound of the police. That's the sound of the beast. You ever hear that one?

Like KRS-One. Yes, I did. I think that... Oh, I was going to... When you brought up... We were talking about Big Mouth. So, like, when this first season came out, I was like, oh, I actually, like, didn't mind the Kroll show.

All right? I was like, I thought it was funny. I was like, all right. I liked the League. The League was really fucking good, dude. I actually really... That's a very, very... Yeah.

I totally forgot about that. Yes. Very good i i was like oh this show with crawl on it like i'll give it a shot because like i didn't mind animals that was okay and like you know i fucking like you know i like the simpsons whatever the fuck like i do like fucking cartoons like it's not like a thing that i deride it's just something that i'm like yeah it's not for me so like i watched the first season and i'm like yeah you know whatever but around that time i think it was like three or four years ago people were like that is a weirdo show it's fucking weird and i'm like that's a little weird you know i guess uh but i wouldn't call it like it now i had not gotten as far into the show as it had been released so I wasn't up to date with like what the show I guess had done up until that point in time so I didn't really understand all the hullabaloo I was like y'all are just fucking being stupid

like it's just a fucking cartoon like there's some weird fucking moments but it's like you know it's a cartoon and then i caught up i think to what everybody was really rightfully upset about which was the entire dance number like musical dance number that show did i understand it's cartoons but it was like about i think it was about like jacking off and having sex, but for the kids and all of them were naked, like full frontal nudity. These children and I was like, and I understand, again, it's cartoons, right? I get it. But when I got to that part, I was like, oh, yeah, everybody was right.

And I was way off. This is this feels like I understand. Again, I know that it's not real, but I don't, this isn't like making me laugh. I don't even particularly know what the point of having these children be naked is. Oh, you don't know the point of anything. The diehard big mouth defender, especially at that episode. Dude, they wouldn't fucking, you think it would be, You think it would be better to have them with clothes on? Seriously?

Yes. You'd watch that? You think it would be better if the kids had underwear? You could have gotten the same message across if they just had underwear? Mr. fucking... Mr. Puritan. Mr. All-American. Mr. Christian.

Oh, what are you, a MAGA retard? They're literally drawings and most of us don't even get anything out of it yeah most people you know i like i know you know you know it's like a funny prank yeah haha have you ever pulled a funny prank on like an unsuspecting you know person like at a bar or something funny prank on the rewind function of my tv remote you ever pulled a funny prank on your penis while you're watching kids cartoons it's a really funny prank i didn't see that but i do believe it i think um the first time a kid started jacking off on that show i was like well that's

that's uh no thank you there was like if somebody has to fucking defend the show by being like yeah there's certain parts you have to get past yeah i'm not getting past those parts yeah i mean i could okay like with euphoria yeah yeah it's like i got that that is fine for a show like the wire when they're like yeah there are parts of it that are just dry like i remember when somebody was selling me on yeah the wire and they were like look there it's a great fucking show there's just some parts of it that are like and i'm like okay i feel like that's okay like if a guy is like yeah man you should really check out true detective like second season's kind of you got it but just just power through it ends up being pretty good and the whole series it's like that's fine but if a guy is like hey man you should really watch this like cartoon

called big mouth and you're like oh okay it like, you just got to get through, like, when a kid has a sexual relationship with a pillow, they graphically show that, and the pillow talks at them and moans at them and stuff, and they fuck each other. You just got to get past that, and then the full frontal child cartoon nudity, and then it's pretty good.

Like, it's not too bad. You know what I'm saying? Hey, you got to watch barney fucks you it's like you gotta the same great lessons you learned as a kid and it's like you gotta get past it he's fucking me the whole time you gotta get past barney fucks you p.o.v. vr experience uh you basically get in this big purple suit, and it's like you're in his belly. And he's fucking you. He's putting...

Up from under, he's putting something into his butt. Basically, that's fucking you. So... Listen, it takes all of the... That's how I kind of realized that I was actually an introvert. Listen, it takes all of the... That's how I kind of realized that I was actually an introvert. When I was living in San Marcos for the first time a few years back, they had randomly assigned us roommates,

and my roommate was watching Euphoria with a bunch of his friends. And I was like, oh, what's this show about? And they were like, oh, it's like high school. And I was like oh what's this show about and they're like oh it's like high school and i was like oh okay and like in my that was such a vague description that i was like oh is it like kids you know or like mid 90s it's because it's like i guess every obviously everybody's high school is experience experience is different but i just assumed i was like oh it's like it's like one of those like edgy movie shows, like, like kids are like mid nineties or like,

you know what I'm talking about? Like, um, you know, cause kids do do drugs and kids, whatever. Like you, everybody in high school,

like, you know, not everybody, you know, there's some guys, you know, just didn't happen for him. But you know,

you get, you get a handjob, like at the baseball field and you get into a fist fight. That's the same baseball field. And then you drink some like rum out of a water burger cup and then you fucking smoke some weed out of a coca-cola can and then you graduate like that's high school or whatever but i i took that at face value then i was like oh maybe i'll watch this show and then like you know ashley's ashley likes to show and i was like oh this isn't this isn't high this is like uh this feels like what

like a 40 year old like guy who like could would cheat on his wife if given the opportunity but he's too ugly like thinks high school was like you you know like a guy who just was maybe like was a loser i don't fucking know like it doesn't have nothing rings true about that show really for like an experience for being like 16 i guess if that makes sense yeah i don't know i mean here's the thing though what i will say is is that nobody would watch a show about like my me and my friends high school experience which was again like you do some keyboard cleaner you like try to learn how to kickflip you like're trying to make a Molotov cocktail and almost dying. You're trying Vicodin for the first time and you get sick at the movie theater.

I guess that's not as captivating as a guy killing people or whatever the fuck. I think there was a murderer in that show. I don't remember. Yeah, I think it would be cool. I think my high school experience would be pretty graphic, actually, because a lot of it would just be watching, just eating candy. Watching a skinny, fat guy jack off for, like, six seasons. Like, it would be a lot worse on the eyes yeah than anything that's been made

before but not like no like delusions of grandeur right yeah just hot boxing a toyota matrix with vape eating peach rings pounds of candy and what a burger and everything throwing up all the time because I would eat cheeseburgers and smoke a cigarette like while I was eating the cheeseburger and puke everywhere that's sort of what my euphoria would be. Euphoria

is just you like in the back of the Toyota Matrix with like half a Hawaiian like ripped shirt on and you have a bloody nose and you're not sure if you did it to yourself or you got it from somebody else and you're just like there's some, I don't know pavement song

playing and you're like man, this is my crazy high school life and then you just rip ass but kind of shit your pants the whole episode there's no girls like there's there's not even one kind of hot girl there's somehow no like not even that i work with yeah yeah i think i go to school and it's not an all boys school but there's only guys there

yeah you'd never see one even somewhat attractive like like there's not even a hot teacher. There's not even like a there's no love interest for you. And then the one you do get is in like the very last season but you don't even like her that much. It's just something that you're like doing. Somebody who starts hanging out with me. Oh yeah on accident. It's just like somebody from church.

Too afraid to say anything. Yeah you're just too scared to break it off because you met her at church. So you're supposed to like her or some shit. And you're like, I mean, I guess. Yeah, it's just like, oh, man. I remember in one of the, so like after, I don't know. Everybody's, you know, experience is different. But after Vacation Bible, after you age out of that, we would go to these, they called them retreats or whatever.

But I don't think, they weren't retreats. It was in the woods outside Trinity or some shit. In fucking cracker country Texas. Yeah. And they would have rock climbing and stuff. And then they would have bands playing. um like bands playing and like you would stay up super late and then i don't i never went to like a i had no speaking in tongues experiences because i didn't go to places like that but what we what the places that i would go to would do is

like see i feel like sleep deprivation was like a part of their shtick where they would make us like do all this shit all day and then it would be like midnight and we would still be awake and then they would like play some worship music and it would be like oh yeah for sure you'd go rock climbing and shit yeah you go rock climbing you go swimming hiking and then like it's like 1 a.m and you're tired and then they they like the worship band randomly for some reason starts playing at midnight. And then they do the whole come up and accept, you know, and you're like delirious and you're fucking hungry and you're thirsty and you're tired. And you're like, is this the Holy Spirit?

Like, is this like am I feeling this like I'm like emotional because of the music and I'm fucking exhausted. Also, I'm like 13. So I'm like just, you know, I'm like 13, 14. So I'm like, because of the music and I'm fucking exhausted. Also, I'm like 13. So I'm like, just, you know, I'm like 13, 14. So I'm like, dude, beating off. I need to beat off, but I can't do that in the woods. Anyway, there was like one time on one of those. Like everybody was trying to navigate. What I guess would be like a boyfriend or girlfriend situation

but like half the kids are like super repressed christians and then the other half i guess i fell into that was like i did go to church and i did the whole thing but i was also like smoking weed so you're like people are like oh so and so-and-so thinks you're cute, but also like the devil. It was like, I don't know if that's like a universal experience. I'm not sure, but it definitely was like, so again, yeah, you have, like, you know, you're like couples or whatever. And it's like, oh, you know, Mary and fucking whatever the fuck are dating, and they they're gonna get married and you're like 14 years old and you're like oh that's that's sick man i uh have you ever heard of tony hawk's underground like i'm playing a lot of that and uh you know i'm fucking i just found out that you can make a bong out of a water bottle like i

just never it never like clicked for me i guess that whole like well you date in high school and then you like date you both go to texas a and m to study like pig engineering i don't fucking know and then like you know maybe maybe your husband goes to divinity school and then like that's it you know what i'm saying like at those people who had their whole lives planned out for them. Like, even when they were teenagers. Yeah, that always struck me as a little bit gross. For sure. Not that I've had, like, a glamorous life or whatever.

No. But I'm kind of glad things didn't work out for me like that. Same, dude. Like, I always thought it was... Part of me i remember feeling a little jealous yeah because it was like the typically like the guy the guy aspect of that coupling his dad like he was like the i don't know like the christian athletes that were like that just like kind of existed in their own like uh

place in like the church if you're at a fucking church in texas and you've got like a wide receiver who's white and also christian that kid could be 12 and they're like that boy right there is a gift like he could just at 12 could just run kind of fast and they're like he's gonna bring he's gonna bring the new reckoning. You know what I'm talking about? Yeah. He was just— The first string quarterback or whatever. Yeah, yeah. You know, the most suckable man on earth.

But you were forbidden from getting sucked. Right. Because— Yeah. So you end up with these couples that—and I can count on one hand like because I'm thinking of a handful of them right now. Like they met in youth group in like eighth grade and got married like sophomore year at A&M and then got divorced like two years like only one of them worked and they ended up like not even being religious anymore. I think they like live in New York now and they like fucking fucking go to like you know like the the noise shows and shit i think one of them read like a william s burroughs book and they're like this christianity shit sucks dick we gotta

get the fuck out of here but um it was an interesting dynamic to be like separate from that and to be like i'm cooler than that this gross. But also kind of jealous in a weird way because you're like, oh, when do I, you know, I wish I could just hang out and, like, believe in God. I don't know. It wasn't envy. I just, like, thought maybe there was something wrong with me because I was like, this shit, this God shit sucks dick. Like, what are we doing? You know what I'm saying? Yeah. what i'm saying yeah i um you know i uh spit it out man come on we're talking yeah i know

yeah no yeah you know yeah whatever you said man i was listening so good. No, I always thought it would be cool to be the student athlete type or whatever, but that's just not how it goes for most people. Also, it seemed like generally if you didn't have your lady locked in by the end of high school, it was like, well, best of luck, dude. There's no women yeah yeah dude exactly yeah the the 40 girls you know total you better get one of them pregnant yeah you need to y'all need to fucking make moves i the the one thing i will say is is that there are people on both sides of the spectrum i guess where we were at when we were at that age and then you know the people who that who fit in that category people who like never grow out of that like there's a bar that

when i go back home to houston when i go to see my mom well pasadena let's be honest i'm not going to houston proper um called republic house and when i go there it's like a reunion of class like 08 to like basically like until that most recent class that graduated that could legally drink like 2019 whatever and I always indefinitely or inevitably run into somebody that's just like he maybe he was like the best defensive lineman in Pasadena in, like, 2010. And now he, like, works offshore at a rig. And he probably makes good money, but, like, in that moment, at that bar, you know, he just sacked the quarterback.

You know what I'm saying? Like, I don't know. You know, like, it's like you're, like, 30, man, and you're like, yeah, you know, like, I still remember rushing and you're like, yeah, you know, like, I still remember rushing for, like, 200 yards, you know. And I'm like, sick, dude. What else has happened in your life? And he's like, I knocked up so-and-so.

I'm like, oh, okay, how are y'all doing? Oh, we're not. I'm like, all right. And then I knocked up the other girl, and I was like, oh, how are y'all doing? We're not. I'm like, all right. And then I knocked up the other girl, and I was like, oh, how y'all doing? I'm like, Jesus, man. It's like weird to be stuck in those moments, I guess. I don't know.

Yeah, you just wish you could take his mind off things for a night. Yeah, just me and him in a cabin in Lake Livingston. Lake Livingston is such a romantic place if i could just if i could just take him to bolivar peninsula galveston just take him to porter rances mineral wells if i could just get man if i could just get my old lady to a real nice spot like Lake Burger Lake. I know we're doing location-based humor for the listeners, but imagine the shittiest body of water in your hometown. Like the place that people shouldn of water in your hometown like the work like the place that people don't so they shouldn't swim in rather and then uh imagine the guy that you know that you grew up with who wholeheartedly believes that the best thing that could happen to him in his

life would be to move out there with his fucking stupid ass wife and kid. Oh, man. I honestly, when people would go to Galveston, like I went a couple times as a kid and it's the only place I knew that wasn't like Southeastern. And it wasn't obviously wasn't until I got older and saw literally anything. I was captivated by Galveston, dude. I was obsessed with it. I was like, dude, this is where the president lives. was captivated by galveston dude i was obsessed with it i was like dude this is where the president lives the two galveston is people go in there to swim and they have like a paper cut and they three days later their leg is off like it is not a place i remember port arans is being really bad dude port a is yes port a is it was a place like it was was like, if South Padre Island is like, it's dog shit.

Port A is somehow like the poor man's South Padre. I don't. South Padre is at least somewhat of a nice beach. Yeah. Well, this is, I remember it being nicer. The sands were a lot whiter or whatever than Galveston. Port A was just like dirt like, just glass and stuff. Yeah.

And the water was, like, lake water. Yeah. Same with Galveston. Like, people just taking shits everywhere. Well, I remember. Just having sex. I remember me and some friends went out there to do acid. I mean, when you have nothing, and I don't mean materially, but in terms of aesthetics, the Gulf Coast of Texas is just flat nothing.

It's not like the coasts in California where it's hills and mountains up to the water. It's just a slow decline into the ends of the earth. There's not a goddamn thing. And so, you know, the prettiest place you could go, like aesthetically to do acid, where I like grew up, was fucking Galveston, Texas. And it was just like a rite of passage or whatever.

Like my dad was like, you got to go out to Galveston and drop acid. And I was like, why? And he's like, I don't know what the fuck else is there to do. And I'm like, good point.

So we go out there as like a group and, uh, I had heard like people were getting in the water or whatever. And like, I was kind of tripping out. It's like when you're peaking on acid and you, you start to think about having a bad trip and you have to like fight those thoughts.

So you don't have one, you know what I'm saying? Yeah. And you're like, Hey man, don't think anything bad or you'll start to spiral and then that's typically when at least for me i start to spiral um anyway they're like hey man like it's not a big fucking deal dude we've been swimming in this shit for fucking our whole lives man like it's not nothing's gonna fucking happen and uh i'm like nah man i'm gonna chill you know i was like sitting in by the back of my friend's Toyota 4Runner. We had like the bed down. I was just like, I'm going to fucking look at the sky and I'm going to drink this Dr.

Pepper and I'm just like going to freak out or whatever. And I like sit up after a little while and they're out there swimming. And then like I look to the left, maybe like 30 yards from them. Some guy has his horse out there in like in deep like for a horse, I guess, like up to his fucking, like I guess what is a person's chest? I don't know, you know. He's got his horse out there and his horse is shitting like big poop. Like just in the fucking gulf, dude. And they're like not downwind from it, but they're within like 30 yards of this horse shitting.

And they're not even, they're having the 30 yards of this horse shitting and they're not even they're having the time of their fucking lives dude like they're fucking like my friends are like splashing water in each other's eyes and like spitting it out of their mouths each other and like just being fucking teenage like you know just be just living you know being a fucking kid or whatever and i was looking at that horse and i was like man i don't like they all come back like i was like hey man do you guys see that horse taking a shit out there and they were like no i was like dude he was like right next to you guys and they're like man you're fucking wigging out jake and i was like no dude i don't think i was visually hallucinogenic acid's not like dm like i feel like if i was gonna see anything

it would be like a little fractal like i've done acid before i'm not like it's not like in the you go into a drug-induced psychosis and you see a guy walking around yeah like we're in galveston like seeing a horse shitting into the gulf of mexico is not like this profound like i'm not seeing shiva or i'm not seeing god i'm seeing like some clydesdale that some fucking shit kicker has from texas city who's just riding it up and down the seawall and feeding it fucking Doritos locos tacos. And he just, I guess the horse just needed to take a shit. There's a big fucking body of water,

like right in front of him. So yeah, it's like when you're from the area and I, and you know what, like being, I guess in North Texas, like there's some really pretty lakes up there. Like there is,

I guess out here, you know, in central Texas. But I feel like if you're past like sealy like if you're past like katie like in that little bubble like the closest thing to you is galveston and it's like the only thing you experience if you're like don't have money like if your parents aren't taking you to fucking wherever the fuck like obviously if you're rich and live in katie you know like your parents are taking you to cooler places but for me the cool yeah the coolest place i saw for like the first 15 years of my life was fucking galveston texas and i stand on that like forever i uh i think the coolest place i thought until i got

to a certain age was Gulf Shores, Alabama. Yeah, that's a good one too. Just rebel flags and boom boxes out there. Just – and I don't mean boom boxes in a racist way. I mean it's the same people who have both of these things. I get it. Anyway, that was such a weird thing to do. You know, they got their food boxes.

You sound like my dad or my grandpa. I was like, wait. You know who carries them fucking, they wear their pants around their fucking ankles. Wearing their colors. Yeah. You know what I mean. Stacking signs. It's just white trash.

Yeah, I know. Yeah, listening to like. It's so funny to be on like you're you're hanging out on like a windows background yeah like a windows wallpaper yeah and then you're just listening to toby keith and like fingering your fat it's uh it's so like Port A Gulf Shores You know what's funny is that When you do get to Florida

There's some shitty beaches in Florida But like Destin Destin's nice I mean PCB is a shithole I'll get you But it's like I can't think of a nice beach Up and down

Like from Texas Louisiana All that shit. But Mississippi is a fucking, I mean. Diamond Head, Mississippi. That's quite a beach. You get out there and you're like. You go out there.

What's it called? Something. Fucking. Look at me not remembering my mississippi geography how embarrassing no the coast of mississippi feels haunted yeah it's it's as is louisiana yeah it's it's one of those places that like i got really into like cryptids and shit like fairly recently actually humiliatingly recently not ironically i was watching a lot of that missing 411 stuff. And I was like, yeah, in Appalachia, they got vampires and shit. And

I'd be telling my friends this and they're like, you don't believe in God, but you believe that there's like, like fucking wizards and shit like skinwalkers and stuff. I was like, yeah, man, a guy with a beard on YouTube talked about it for like three hours. And they're like, dude, you need to get some sleep. I was like, you anyway i that being said i whenever i was in biloxi i was like something doesn't feel right here like i feel yeah and then you realize it was like centuries of lynch yes yeah that's it's like uh basically auschwitz yeah it well um what i didn't i didn't know so like obviously you're in texas you see a lot of fucking Confederate flags. And it's just part and parcel being in the South.

And you just, I don't, it's not that I don't think twice about it because I support it. I just, it doesn't, I'm like, oh, that guy's probably a piece of shit. And I just keep going. I don't really think about it. I don't, like, you know, I'm not going to go up and be like, hey, come outside, cocksucker, and let's settle this. Like, you know, no, you guys lost. You're fucking retards. Like, get fucked.

You're a loser but the amount of them i saw in mississippi it's on the flag at the state flag it's like a little corner of it i think yeah um the amount of them i saw out there like you didn't see a lot of like you like usa flat like the flat like the actual flag and i'm not a i'm not saying i'm like oh why don't you hang the right flag? Don't work at all. No, I'm saying like I didn't see a lot of like the current flag we have. I saw like, yeah, the old one

from back in the day or whatever. And I realized that like, obviously Texas is a fucked up place. Like the government's fucked. Politics are shit. People don't have a lot of opportunity here. And the places where there are opportunity are not for working class. White people are working class.

Black people, Hispanic, whatever. But Mississippi is... Jesus Christ, dude. Yeah, it's the heart of the beast. Yeah, the whole state feels like a sundown town like in like yeah it's like the whole even alabama wasn't as bad as miss i will i can i can agree arkansas arkansas was bad i don't know why arkansas is bad but there's something like it feels it's not as concentrated yeah there's mountains and stuff yeah that make it feel like okay this

is still a beautiful place in some ways. But Mississippi is just, it's all, you don't see past like the forest. No. At any point. No. There's not. You just, you are where you are. Yeah. And it's all flat seeming.

Yeah. And it's. At least in the parts I've been in. My mom, my mom and I, we used to do this a lot. We would go to like casinos in Louisiana or Mississippi. We would go play Hold'em. You know, like, we'd play other shit, but Hold'em is, like, our game or whatever. And, you know, we would, like, go to these places and take a little bit of money and gamble and drink and have a good time.

And one of the places that we would go to was fucking in Biloxi. And the resort itself was shitty. But all around it was like abject poverty. And you have to go through these neighborhoods to get to... And I was like, oh, I don't feel good about this. It's like when you go to Louisiana to gamble. I've been to Vegas,

and Vegas at least has the illusion of opulence and decadence. You feel like you're rich while you're there, even though you have $50 in your wallet, and you're mostly just going to go drink beer at the Golden Nugget or whatever. But in Louisiana and Mississippi, the casinos are just surrounded in every inch, every square mile by the kind of poverty that people claim doesn't exist in the United States, which is houses with no running water. It's terrible.

So, again, the history of that state combined with its current whatever, I'm like, I don't know. I feel bad for you guys. I don't know what else to do. Yeah, whenever current, like, economic, whatever, I'm like, I don't know. I feel bad for you guys. I don't know what else to do. Come.

Yeah, I, whenever people are like, oh, yeah, you know, states like Mississippi have, you know, the lowest literacy rates and the highest obesity rates because they're Republican. Yeah, fuck morons, dude. I hate that shit. States, it's like, dude, they're, uh,

it's actually a much worse situation than that. Yeah, it's – I wish it was just the current Republicans' fault, but it's like, no. Yeah, it's – Like even – I mean, Texas has some really bad parts in it. I'm not going to like sugarcoat that, but like – You know what I'm saying? No, that's me. Texas has like roads and stuff for the most part. Yeah, but like you know what i'm saying like texas has

like roads and stuff yeah yeah you know no i get it it's like it's like if all of a state was just viter like that's mississippi and people dude i hate that shit and you know like the most frustrating part is is that um my the people i know in my life that aren't just your garden variety, like shit kicker, not necessarily political, but probably if they were to talk about it, probably somewhat Republican. These are a lot of people that I've worked with and just know in my personal life. I don't want to hear them talk about shit, so we just don't talk about it. If I go back home and one of them's there, like, at a bar that I'm at,

we'll drink beer, we'll catch up, and we'll fuck off around. Hey, what have you been up to? The kids, blah, blah, blah, blah. I don't want to talk to them about their shit either, because I know that we disagree, so we just don't talk about it. I would rather sit with them, honestly, and hear them be like, yeah, they're shipping in, I heard, somalian vampires and and it's being funded by soros and i'm like at least that's funny then like my friends who i guess are just like run-of-the-mill

liberals that are like well you know if texas and mississippi in the south if they want to get their act together and stop voting republican then maybe they could have health care or something and i'm like what the fuck are you talking about? I don't understand what you're getting at here. This doesn't make any sense. Do you know how fucking stupid you sound? Do you think you're going to go up to New York and they're going to be like, oh, welcome in, buddy. What are you talking about?

I feel like if you're from the Northeast and you have Northeastern smugness about the South, fine. It's a culture war that never really died and i understand that but if you're from the south and you try to affect that like northeastern i'm like dude how can you betray your own you piece of shit like what are you doing yeah yeah whatever people are like oh were you from alabama yeah i mean from arkansas or whatever it's like dude we don't live in that like a we just live in a flat Arkansas basically yeah like it's just hotter yeah and there's not really seasons but it's the same like like you I see a lot of that and I hear a lot of that in Austin I understand Austin's like now a transplant city but fuck I heard it from back home like it

was it was so funny my friends that like didn't become just like you know shitty fucking just like you know your garden variety christian republican texan guy or whatever they would just move to houston like literally 15 20 minutes northwest from where we were at and then be like yeah you know if everybody just stopped if you know whose fault is it you, you know, whose fault is it? You know, you're voting Republican, so you get what you get. And it's like, you're here now. Like, just because you live in, like, an enclave doesn't mean that you're separate from anything.

And it's like, oh, well, I vote Democrat. And I'm like, congratulations, man. You vote for a, like, 2% less retarded, like, corporate shill. I don't know. You know, it's, and you hear a bunch of it in Austin as well that's why like I typically don't

like these conversations like I'll have it with you cause it's like we obviously have like similar views on it but like

oh dude dude Beto almost came to my neighborhood dude he was one neighborhood over. He was literally like less than a mile away knocking doors, him personally.

Dude, if I had been able to get a video out of that That would have been pretty cool. God, we'd be set for a while. Oh well. I was at a bar the other day. I don't know why I said the other day. It's a very indeterminate phrase. This was like a bar the other day. I don't know why I said the other day.

It's a very indeterminate phrase. This was like a little while ago. And this is a friend of mine who I don't see a lot, but we've known each other a while. He was like, yeah, man, you're going to vote, right? And I was like, I mean, why? He was like, well, I mean, you know, like, you're going to, like, he's like, I know that you're, like, kind of, you know, defeatist about the whole thing. But, like, it's really time.

You know, like, we really got to do something about, like, because, you know, Abbott with the abortions and, you know. And I'm like, yeah, all that stuff is really bad, you know. He's like, so you're going to vote. And I'm like, i'm not voting for for better i'm not like he's voted for him twice you did i think so and you know uh nothing really didn't really happen there he's kind of a loser as it turns out what's funny is whenever he whenever these people inevitably lose the person that like harps on you and berates you to vote chastises you for for like not participating in a system in the system immediately is like well if you would have voted if people like you would have voted and it's like dude he got he he couldn't he got whooped by

fucking ted who had just had just abandoned exactly these in the middle of a blizzard these people don't like they don't care what ghoul is right there's an r next to their name that is this state and i i'm not i'm not backpedaling and being like, oh, they get what they get. I'm not doing that at all. What I'm saying is that if you, first of all, Better Work is a fucking dildo. I'm not supporting a fucking dildo. Second of all. Just because he's sexy.

Yeah, just because he played in a band with a drummer from At The Drive-In and he has a DUI, you think I want to have sex with him? drive in and he has a DUI you think I want to have sex with him um what was that old tweet that was like oh my god it was during the 2016 elections that like uh journalist said he was like Beto O'Rourke is like the nerdy guy who like you're not attracted to but he like pushes your legs behind your head and like pounds the fuck out of you she was like a writer for like the Atlantic or something just put that shit out on guffrey oh yeah the the calf cramp yeah the calf cramp lady yeah fuck anyway i'm just like that was such dude that was such a golden time dude 2016 was a wonderful wonderful moment for like the i think around that time was the the thread about um if don't like cats, you don't understand consent.

Do you remember that? Or was that 2016 or 2020? No, I think that was maybe like 2016, 2017. All this shit blends together. I don't know. Maybe I'm wrong. Yeah. But that whole era of like, dude, you could get like a – if you really wanted to, you could get on like the New York Post if you just had a good thread that went something like that.

If you were like, yeah, you know. And everybody was making a thread at the same time. Yeah. He was like, if you don't think parakeets can talk, you need to think about your ableistic views on the world. And you're like, what the fuck are we talking about? If you have a gerbil maybe rethink that and literally like a thousand word threats on like shit that i think is like borderline schizophrenia anyway i forgot i forgot how not that people don't make threads anymore

i forgot that it was just it used to be like pretty common behavior yeah i don't it still is but like uh mostly you know journalists or people live tweeting things or uh just statements yeah but it used to be just like how you how you like got by or got around or whatever i mean i'll do like that used to be all we had we didn't have no quotes i uh there was just we lost so much you know, I'm glad that he's not president anymore, but just the, the histrionics, like, what was that guy's post? It was like, if Hillary had won, we'd all be at brunch right now. I was like, I want to find you, sir. And I want to squeeze your head just with, oh, While we're randomly talking about politics, I just saw it looks like BB Netanyahu is about to take power again.

That's so awesome, dude. The fucking champ is back, baby. The big dick baller is back in town. Dude, he's just like, hey, you know, yeah, I did do a bunch of fraud but hey it's all right you know i i really fucking kin you know kin paxton have you looked into that yeah the attorney general of texas is just like on the run from the feds for the last like 10 years yep i i feel like we're reaching this critical point you know britain's had like four presidents or whatever the fuck they call themselves. By the way, this is the one politics episode you get.

By the end of this show, however long that is, you're never getting another one. This is in the Matt Chrisman episode where i had to make him a yeah um i it always feels like the world is a pot that boils over indefinitely like i remember january 6th and i remember thinking it was going to be much worse and i was honestly think what you will of me very disappointed that it wasn't it was yeah i didn't see that shit till i got home from work didn't hear about it i looked i checked my phone around like 5 30 p.m that night and it was like it all all anyone was talking about was like oh they were in the white house and i'm like yeah shit that is well you know i really gotta, I really got to work out now. I got like, I was like, I think I was still on,

yeah, I was on break, winter break when I was in school and fucking, I was just shit drunk at like noon just like watching it unfold and I was like, man, I want this to be it. Like I want, I don't know what it is. Like there, there just feels like there's this thing weighing over everyone.

Like whether you're like a MAGA fucking retard or you're like a fucking, I don't like a Portland chop Chaz fucking weirdo. This like this thing of like, we all know it's over, but for whatever reason it's just never over and when when i watched like old like golden girl looking bitches like in in the halls of congress i was like this is it like if the librarian from like frog balls, Kentucky is in the white house with like an AR it's done. Like it's over.

Like there's no more. The, the American experiment has come to an end, but then the next day it was just like, yeah, whatever. So I'm like, I feel like we're edging the end of the world constantly.

And I don't really know what it's going to look like. Dude. The world has cried wolf so many times that like, there's going to be like a nuclear imminent threat in me. And you's going to look like. Dude, the world has cried wolf so many times that, like, there's going to be, like, a nuclear imminent threat, and me and you are going to be like, hey, did you hear that there's, like, an inbound missile? And I'm like, yeah, it'll probably be fine. It won't be a big deal.

Like, I guess we'll just do the episode or whatever. You know, I mean, at the end of the day, we're all just, you know, dust in the wind? We're kind of on a rock. It's like a spinning... We're just monkeys. The way I see it is... A guy with brain damage.

Is really what we are... When you really look at... Bye.