Pendejo Time - Thomas Brings You To Hell

Episode Date: July 7, 2022

Welcome to the Thunderdome. Big thanks to Cory (@afraidofwasps on Twitter) for the help on this one. Check his music out https://kirinomikito.bandcamp.com/Support the Show.

Do you want to eat some oatmeal on TV? Looking at the stars and I see me and you Holding hands, holding a bowl, I'm holding a spoon You got your oatmeal there, you want to be on the television Yeah, do you want to eat your pussy on TV? Please come see me, please Look there's a lizard, there's a dog and a horse And they're playing around, they're holding hands and being friends You can look at me son, look me in the eyes

I don't know who I want to be but that's okay, okay, that's all alright I'm looking at my hands, who gave me this blood? Was it Jesus? Was it God? Was it the cursed witch? And I look at you and I feel back your skin I see orange peel, I see so many seals And they are jumping in the ocean having all lots of fun. Look at me get back in. Swim to the other side of the ocean. If I put my faith in you, Donna, love me.

Looking at the stars and I see you. Looking at my underwear, see through. Looking at cigars and they taste like A whole bunch of wood No thank you I'll stick to being in love Love Love We're here for the 43rd annual Oatmeal Eating Contest. I'm here with my very special co-host, Fatima De Los Angeles. Fatima, it's great to be here with you.

Thanks, Hugh. Once again, it's pronounced Fatima De Los Angeles. But yeah, it's here, Phoenix, Arizona, the beautiful, barctorious DOG Memorial Dog Park, which we have reserved in the hours of 12 to 4 today for the 43rd Annual Oatmeal Eating Contest. Yes, we have, haven't we, Fatima? And, you know, a lot of people love to question what the know, what the city permits and what it doesn't. We have been talking about this for over a week, haven't we? We've put up signs on all the lampposts. You know, you would think a lot of people could only read dog in this city.

But that's not the case, is it, Fatima? But regardless, we're here to have a good time. And we're here to eat a lot of oatmeal, aren't we? Well, maybe not you and me, but certainly our contestants. Well, I might sneak a little home in my pockets, if you get what I'm saying. I think I can catch you drifting that way. Yeah, we're going to see a whole lot of oatmeal, and we're going to see a whole lot of mouths slapping it up,

and we're going to see a whole lot of spoons and a whole lot of bowls. It'll be interesting, you know, who brings a spoon, who just goes in with their hands. I hope you brought your bib and your safety glasses today, Fatima. You just called me F. Right. G, F. And it's going to get messy and we're going to get down and dirty, just like the dogs that often grace this very park.

Dogs that are frequently seen at the Barctorious DOG Dog Park, except for today, between the hours of 12 and 4, because we got the permit. And if you bring your dog, we can grab him. We will stash them until 4 or 5. You can have them back when we're done. Depending on how long cleanup takes, but we do need the dog park clear. If you eat any of the oatmeal,

you will be charged. And they will possibly... You have to pay to enter. A lot of people save up for years to get into this contest. Don't they, F? They do. I know one contestant, he saved up for years to enter this contest. Right. And we've got a very special contestant this year. We actually have our first ever orphan eating in this contest his name is niblet and he comes all the way from

the united kingdoms so yeah it's curious that this is the first orphan we've seen in the oatmeal eating contest you think uh hugh bowell the hungriest people you can imagine. 99% of people will think of an orphan. Well, orphans, as you may know, are not used to getting seconds. F. And the few orphans that I've tried to train, you know, I've been to probably more orphanages than anyone I know. The few that I've tried to train, they're timid, and they wear rags.

And if you only have one pair of rags and you get porridge, gruel, oatmeal on those rags, what do you do? We, you know, but we've got some strong contenders regardless. That's true. I've seen this orphan. He was out here day in day out at the barktorius dog park actually training with the dogs getting those animal instincts um you know sort of breaking free of that orphan mold right and he is ready he's actually entering the dog

park on all fours you know the way this orphan's eating you'd think he had both of his parents inside of him right now with both of their stomachs exactly but but instead he has neither as they're both deceased but yep looking down well i think is one of them's looking up at least you know right to leave your child like that all right all right let's move on to our second contestant second contestant um weighing in at just over 420 pounds he is a gigantic chinese guy wow and um reigning champion of the 42nd oatmeal eating contest here at barktorius dog park um and he's just towering over the orphan he is in terms of width isn't he he's towering over the orphan in terms of width and you know what hue in terms of confidence he is and you can see you can tell by the stains on the shirt that this man has not just been training

with oatmeal he's not just been training with porridge. He's not just been training with porridge. He's gone on to hard foods. I've watched this man eat over a gallon of jerky in one sitting. He's actually banned from every Golden Corral within a 500-mile radius. Which, even in my prime, Fatima, you wouldn't see me putting up those kinds of numbers. And it's painful for me to admit it, but he's extremely Chinese. He's a strong, strong man. Oh, you think of, well, let's take another great sport, running. Many people think that, you know, you're running on flat ground around a track.

You just got to train on flat ground. But the winners of these contests, you know, they're the ones that go the extra step flat ground around a track. You just got to train on flat ground. But the winners of these contests, they're the ones that go the extra step and run up a mountain. That's what this guy is doing. That's what he's all about. He's trained in the cold, up climate of China for all of his childhood. He grew up eating tiny stuff like rice and also big things like dumplings and even medium stuff like an egg yeah and i've seen him yeah everything

from a grain of rice to a clump of rice this guy has has seen it all. I've seen this man eat multiple bowls of rice in one sitting. But enough of the goose talk. Why don't we get into some action here? Ma'am. I'm ready.

This is, we have, for these few hours, we do have the dog part. You cannot bring your dog here. You get out. You're welcome to watch. You can't bring your big old mutton here. Just a reminder to the public, from the hours of 12 to 4, the dog park is closed for the 43rd Oatmeal Eating Competition. Right.

Please keep the hounds outside the perimeter. It's clearly marked. Any other day of the year go they can eat their heart out but not today we got picnic tables out here they can't climb on them i mean this is the 43rd time in a row that the park has been closed on this day. And some of these dogs are the original offenders. We've got 43, 44-year-old dogs out here, and they still haven't learned. There's no rehabilitation with these animals. No. You can't teach an old dog old rules about the oatmeal eating contest. Exactly. They should have learned it when they had a chance.

That's right. Well, it looks like some of our competitors are getting right into it. I don't know if the bell is wrong, and that's not usually a big deal for these guys. They just start doing it as soon as they sit down. Let's take a look here. This is the orphan, right? Can we zoom in, cameraman?

Yeah, let's take a look here. This is the orphan, right? Let's, uh, can we zoom in, cameraman? Yeah, let's take a look here. Wow. That's, I know, that's an orphan, alright. He's raggedy. You know, he's... Did he bring his own spoon? He has multiple. We only supply one. We only supply one, and

it's not really a written rule. Most people like to leave their good spoon at home when they come to something like this because you really get some wear and tear on these things yeah yeah you know a few tooth marks here and there right even you could even swallow it you eat fast enough right and that'll cost you some points to do that there is there is a penalty eating something other than oatmeal in the oatmeal eating contest. Guys try and show off and eat the bowl all the time, and it doesn't pan out. No, no.

That's not how you make a career out of this. But, yeah, this little orphan kid's doing pretty well. Let's see, we've got the guy who drove by to deliver the oatmeal. Apparently he's joining in. He's in it. He's in it. I'm not sure if he's aware of the contest, but he's doing pretty well, all things considered. Yeah, he's actually, you can see he's tilting the bowls and just sliding it right into his mouth, most being required.

You've got to wonder if he's added any water to these bowls because oatmeal is a bit of a sludge consistency. Like we do it. We have the pre-weights of all the competitors. We'll have to take how much they weigh at the end of the contest and then subtract how much oatmeal they said they ate. And then we could find the water weight. Right. We'll catch any cheaters that way. That's right.

That's how else would you do it, you know? And once again, the dog park is closed. You cannot bring your dog in here. I'm seeing a whole lot of dogs. Hey, this is the same woman. Same woman. Can we kill her? I don't think we have of dogs. Hey, this is the same woman. Same woman. Can we kill her? I don't think we have that authority.

Her dog? We did rent it out, though. No. The repeat offender. Yeah, well. And here in Arizona, we have a three strikes rule for bringing your dog into the Bartorius DODO-G Dog Park Three times

One time Fool me once Shame on me Fool me twice Shame on your dog Fool you three times You're dead You're out of here

And we've got this big fat guy He's eating a whole lot He If you just look at that pile of empty bowls you think he must be winning you would think he was by the amount of bowls he's got next to his plate you'd think he'd have a you'd think he would have a collection of coals by now well hugh that's what that's what you think that's what you'd think. That's what you'd think, but... I mean, is it Kohl's or is it Ikea?

Because look at this orphan kid who's making some ground. He's making some ground, isn't he? This kid's made more ground than we've seen in a while. He's had to at least make up one body weight full of ground. Right. Now, when he walked into this contest, I'll be honest, Neff. I would have called him frail. I would have called him weak.

I would have called him tough to look at. This kid is looking gorgeous. He's looking huge. His skin has a sheen to it. Radiant. Oatmeal's good for the skin. Oatmeal it is. It is. It goes straight to your skin. Some days you wake up after it. It's right on the box.

You wake up after a nice oatmeal binge, you feel like you're all skin. 100% skin. 0% attitude. 15% concentrated power of will. There's a girl here. 15 percent you know cuts concentrated power will yeah and others you grow here I really want to care you yeah okay we got a couple more dogs and in the back to the park okay hey a skipper jumpy you know it was my dog no

I brought you get to be honest you know I I am barc torres DOG memorial dog park is close are we rented out yeah yeah like gonna yeah I had mobile a bring the dogs and they might watch just keep them out said the permit you know I will you've been you've been you've been the one upholding the rule you know where to get where they think well but in well but yes we've got a looks like we got we got a winner yet looks like the the bells about about to be the bells about to be going off

um they're slowing down i think they're out of oatmeal that could be it i counted at least 100 grains before we got started i hope that was but I only had time to make instant and I didn't I don't have that many bowls it's really hard to heat up more than one pot of hot water at a time so that was a big bottleneck yeah I made most of it in a water bottle just get it real hot and funnel it in shake it shake it up yeah sit on it do what you need to do yeah wow fatima that must have been the bell right Wow. Fatima, that must have been the bell, right?

That must have been the bell, and let me tell you here, that must have been the best oatmeal eating contest we've seen since the 36th annual oatmeal eating contest at the Barcturius DOG Memorial. Right after that housing crisis, we had a really good one. It does correspond to, you know, recessions. We see many of our best competitors coming out of depressions. Yes. I mean, you know, when people have houses, they don't want to eat oatmeal.

No, you could make other food there. Yeah, you could make cornbread. Anyway, we're here with our winner. What's your name, kid? Hold that thought, kid. You hear that? You? We're just in time for the third annual pussy eating contest.

Here at our very own Barktorious DOG Memorial Dog Park. How could I forget? Kid, get the fuck out of here. We don't care. Yeah, yeah. All right, we're here. And I think you're probably just as excited as I am, Fatima. Exactly.

This is... You don't get this chance often to commentate one of these. No. I'm glad I brought a bib for the last for the last event because i will be using it for this one as well not for i won't be participating but a guy like me drools a lot you gotta catch it yeah you gotta catch it you can't be having drool on your body no No, sir. Not in a broadcast. So tell me what we're seeing here, Hugh.

So this guy we're looking at right now, personal friend of mine. He's a school janitor. He's 83 years old. His name is Montgomery montgomery kleenex and he he's actually been eating pussy since he was nine years old and by day he's just a school janitor friendly guy everybody loves him but by night he's an absolute poonhound. That is a janitorial tradition passed down through the ranks. Right. And I've talked to him about it because, you know, I'll be honest.

I've never met anybody who loves pussy as much as Montgomery Kleenex. Yeah, that's saying something. That is saying a lot. Who are we looking at now? Who's that? We have maybe our smallest contestant he is a Persian male named Craig Flint stands about two foot four and he can really get in there you imagine he's gonna got a whole different view of it exactly and

the whole different technique too but he's actually you know when the pussy is bigger than you you get a different perspective you get different techniques he's actually got to hold it open with both of his hands and kind of climb up there. That's something. You know, it's amazing what people can overcome despite the odds. And I really look up to people like that. Now, over here we've got self-described as our least talented contestant. This is Butch Janet.

She is a lesbian. She works in a warehouse as a gay woman. And through her experiences as a homosexual, she has really learned a lot about what it means to be gay as well as lesbian in the pussy eating field. You know, she faced a lot of discrimination at first in this contest, as you can remember, in the second annual pussy eating contest held in the same park. I remember. Because people thought she was uh too scary to be in it exactly but we um we have to have her here because she was just absolutely cleaning up in the straight woman pussy eating contests right yeah and i talked to her um last

year and she said she got so good at it because she she keeps a spare pussy in her overalls in her pocket at work and she'll just eat it just practice like a like a tangerine or something much yeah like um the kids with adhd these days they got their fidget spinners right here we have Butch Janet. What I like about Janet is she does not care about being good at it. She's sort of just a brute force in this league. But you have to respect it. Because who else is bringing that energy to the table?

It is an old school philosophy. But it's great to see someone carrying on the torch. All right. Up next in our line it actually looks like the orphan from the oatmeal eating contest has crawled under the rope and has entered the pussy eating contest as well. This is fantastic. He's gotta be so

full already. There's no way he can eat a whole pussy. The odds are stacked against him, but with no parents means nobody to tell you no growing up. He is up past his bedtime. He is eating his dessert. And we're going to let him do it.

This is our third annual pussy eating contest so far. No complaints. Not yet. Other than from the city and a few people who are here, a couple contestants. But a couple of the dogs you know but um a few people who want their dogs to be able to use the park right now once again park is closed for the third annual pussy eating contest please come back at five if you're wondering if we're mad because you know a bloodhound snuck in last year and won the pussy eating contest. That was not planned, but we thought it was cool.

But that should not happen again this year. That should not happen. We will actually be having his name, Reginald III, removed in the 2022 Guinness Book of World Records. His title has been revoked, unfortunately. It turned out he was using performance-enhancing drugs, kibble. Yeah. We made up that rule because of, as you know, Garth,

an old guy we didn't want to be in the league, so we made up a rule that you can't eat dog kibble, and he somehow failed that test. So, sort of a technicality, but we got Reginald III out of there. Stuff like this has to happen at any professional sport. Lines have to be drawn. Yeah. It's going to get messy. They do.

Lines have to be drawn. Two little curves have to be drawn, you know. And you... Oh, my God. Do you see that? Oh, my goodness. I think at this rate, they might just... They just might run out of pussy.

This orphan's got to move on from the pussy. He just ate the whole woman. I think... Yeah, I think he's eating a leg. This boy is a freak beyond his years. Is this on TV? I, you know... Is this TV? This is...

Yeah, it's TV. We're on TV. This is all on TV. Yeah, it's TV. We're on TV. This is all on TV. Yeah, of course. This is a... Yeah. Well, I don't know why they're still showing this, but it appears... He's also eating the whole referee.

So... It's growing in size. Yeah, maybe by default this kid is going to win, but looks like janet is out for blood as well um uh you know montgomery montgomery kleenex he's so dedicated to his craft he's been eating the same pussy this whole time and it's just squirting clean across exactly it's just it's going over the fence into the oatmeal eating contest area and they're just you know thank God that's over. Yeah, that would have been a...

Those guys don't have the pleasure and tolerance that these guys do. They would be overdosing. ODing, we'd have to get the medics in. Right. Have to get the... It's like Narcan, but for squirt. Anyway. Yeah, it seems this this orphan um i'm not sure if he knows what type of contest this is um is he still eating people it i it seems he's slowed down for sure

um looks like he's checking his phone right now okay yeah i don't know if he knows this is a contest i'm not sure if he signed up for either of these contests. I think he's tweeting. I think he's tweeting right now. By God, he's tweeting. Yeah, Montgomery, I think, might win this one just by following the rules. It looks like Janet is making a candle right now. That's weird.

She has a tub of unmelted wax. She certainly is a lesbian. She's shaping it. And there's nothing wrong with that. Nowadays. Nowadays. But you can't be breaking the rules. You can't be breaking the rules.

In a pussy in context. And. Yeah, it looks like Montgomery. It looks like Montgomery's subject, her toes curled so far back, it looks like those little boots that Mexicans wear. I think they might be stuck like that. That's okay. Montgomery's eating this pussy so hard, his calves are cramping.

Yeah. Her eyes are just pointing straight out of the back of her skull right now. I actually noticed her blink while she was fixing up her ponytail earlier. So that probably wasn't good. Yeah, it looks like he's, you know, say what you will about Montgomery Kleenex. You know, say that he's not a real school janitor and he just goes there because he loves mops. Say that that's not his real name. He's a good man.

And he knows, by God, he can eat a pussy. Yeah. We've all seen it. We've all seen it. We've all experienced it. Every student of that high school knows Montgomery Kleenex I never walked the same

yeah you know Montgomery Kleenex is a lot like Jimmy Carter in a way you know every time he goes

on a plane everybody gets in a line and he'll he'll eat every pussy on the plane yeah it's something to behold

it could take hours, too. You know, he's... Yeah, he's detailed. He has that campaign, No Pussy Left Uneaten. Right. Yeah. I remember back in 2015 or so,

he did that on a flight. It stunk up the whole plane so bad they had to throw it away. They couldn't even replace the interior. You couldn't even walk in there. Yeah. They couldn't see. The pilots couldn't see through the windows up in the front.

And that was from some handiwork he'd done in the back of the plane. He shot through the curtains and splattered the windshield. Yes, man. Through the first class. Yeah. Since then, he's had to take place only in the bathroom when they have to squirt right down the airplane toilet. But I've heard reports of the squirt falling from the sky, freezing in midair, and striking and killing people on the ground. Yeah.

Good man. Good man. Good man. Well, it would seem... It would seem that Janet just left. I don't know if she... Yeah. The orphan has been gone for a while now.

I guess it's Montgomery on this one. I forgot who the other guy was that was also here montgomery kleenex yeah and then yeah the persian guy no we weren't we weren't looking high we weren't looking low enough yeah we found the holy he's he's actually oh wow he's lost in there might be a surprise comeback here he's okay he's crawling out of the belly button he's got he's doing that reverse pussy eating where he's coming from the inside and then of course the other guy um your friend um he's doing that was montgomery i thought you had another friend or no it was like the first guy that was the first day first

the camera man could the camera and hand down a little bit just make sure the camera man is also reading the results and he's making it was the score to hold but he's doing the uh... he's making the pussy come that's awesome tell you he's doing like a selfie style with a huge tb camera come that's awesome hell yeah he's doing like the selfie style but with a huge tv camera it would seem that wow somebody's eating the camera man's pussy too apparently yeah he's got a pussy in there too and there's a huge wow there's so much i'm glad this is on tv because there's so much squirt

going around that the camera shut off but But thankfully we've still got audio. I hope there's some recordings left after this. Yeah, this will take you back, kids, back to the days where pussy-eating contests were only talked about, passed down through oral tradition and not broadcasted on KETV, the news. This is breaking news here. Somebody's eating my pussy. Whoa.

And they're eating it really good, and they're cleaning me out, and they're spitting me out and throwing me up, and they're playing with my foot, and they're playing with my labia, and they're putting their fingers up inside me, and they're making me, they're sort of wriggling around like a dead fish up in there. Mm-hmm.

It feels really good. Yep. Has anyone eaten your pussy yet? No, I'm waiting in line. Only one person managed to breach the broadcast box, and they are currently busy treating your engorged clit like a dick. Can you... Hey, when you finish, you know, power washing my tabernacle here, could you move on to my co-host here?

Whenever you're done, you know. Oh, what's this? Alright, yeah, I'm getting in on the action now. Nice, nice. Yeah, we're both getting eaten out like crazy freaks on the street. Dude, this guy, he's on one of those rotating stools and just going back and forth. That's great. I feel like it's kind of a Chinese hot pot situation.

I'm getting spun around on a table, and my pussy is getting eaten all around the table as I spin. And there's a guy under the table, too. There's a hole in it, and he's licking the bottom of my vagina. Whatever that part's called. Vagina goes all the way from top to bottom. My vaginal prostate. He's licking that. And they're fucking me, too, if they're fucking me in the pussy.

And this awesome stuff. Normally, fucking is against the... The rules. The rules, yeah. But I'll allow it this time. Yeah. But my whole suit is matted and wet. And it's like a great big Rice Krispie treat. I have to peel off my body like a cocoon.

Mm-hmm. Yeah. That's a classic Chinese hot pot situation going on here in the booth. Yeah. It seems like this sort of thing always breaks out at the Parktorious DOG Memorial Dog Park. It kind of makes me wonder if it's the only reason I keep commentating here. Coming back, this is the only place I've seen you work, Hugh. Yeah.

That's okay. Well, folks, it would seem that the judges are eating my pussy right now, so I don't know how fairly this score is being Folks, the judges are holding up scores to their own eating of Thomas' pussy. This guy's in there holding up two nines. I don't know if he's rating my pussy or if he's rating his own tongue. Yeah, or if he just needs a place to put the cards. Yeah, that's true. I'm looking now, he's putting the cards into my ass and pussy yeah he's rolling

the cards up and putting one in the time with his ass he took one at the hughes ass one of the pussy um yeah indeed they're like little holes because he rolled it up and i was blowing into them cooling it down in there this is great he just uh put one of the cards on his tongue and then put his tongue in my pussy and then he had it tied into a swan when it came out. He just paper cut his tongue and also paper cut your pussy and then he licked your bleeding pussy with his tongue. And then he looked at me and he said, blood brothers. Yeah, this happens every year. This is...

That one... Yeah, in fact, it's the ghost it? This is... That one, yeah. In fact, it's the ghost of Notorious B.I.G. Right. Is here, and he's eating my pussy. This happened last year, but with... You know who it was. Nah, we don't need to talk about who that was.

Yeah, let's just say it was a heil of a time well folks this has been another eventful oatmeal slash pussy eating contest here in Phoenix Arizona at the wonderful Barktorious DO G dog park and Paul Resort here in as I said Phoenix Arizona that was good about two and a half hours

of cleanup here and then you can bring your stupid fucking dog mine are already here but that's I hate that they had to see me like this. Yeah. They might learn. I hope so. I hope so. Alright, folks. Thank you for joining me, Fatima. Oh, it's always a pleasure,

Hugh Bowell, to commentate the oatmeal. Well, for 41 years commentating the oatmeal competition, and then for 41 years commentating the oatmeal competition and then for 3 years commentating the pussy eating competition that takes place at the same dog park as

the oatmeal eating competition for the last 3 years it's been a hell of a 3 years well I'll catch you later alright stay safe i'll try do you want to eat some pussy on tv don't see why not get freaky get getting down. I wanna see some squirting and licking. I wanna see getting wet in the kitchen. Squirting, dumping inner tube. Go for lake and in the ocean. Getting skinny, you should use some lotion. Make your skin real thick and fat. Just like bloodburn, that's so good to be like a walrus.

You know me, I work at Walmart stocking. Chills here greeting all the customers needs I got a headache and it's making me bleed And it's coming out of my mouth and my eyeballs You know me, I eat drywall And I wanna see you holding the trophy Doing your dance Have what you put on your business pants and eat some pussy. On television, your mom is watching.

Yeah, what would she say if she saw that? Think it was so gross.