Pendejo Time - thomas mcgregor

Episode Date: August 26, 2022

the blushing bride to beSupport the Show.

I mean, he was there. You ran into Mike Tyson, and he was like, man, you're really handsome. I was wondering if we could train you. He was below me in a way. As soon as I saw Mike Tyson, I said, this man is below me. Yeah, there's no way he could handle you. Because he had floor seats. Where did you guys have the suites?

No, we were in the bleachers. Oh, okay. He was ringside, I mean. Oh, okay. So he had better, I mean. Oh, okay. So he had better seats than you, but below you. In a way, well, see, we didn't even have the seats we were sitting in as a thing. Oh, okay. We just, Alex was like, what if we just like moved up?

Because we were in the prelims, dude, and there were open seats like in the front row. Yeah. dude and there were open seats like in the front row yeah and you know it's like obviously front row everybody's gonna show up for the front row main card yeah yeah but we sat in like the third row and then like we just we were like some people showed up who had our seats we just moved like every time like further over into the middle row no and then nobody showed up after that and everybody down there checking tickets no that's awesome american airlines center that's big ass venue dude yeah yeah like where the mavs play yeah and uh yeah just nobody gave a fuck it was very clear I think people around us could tell, obviously.

Because every hour or so, we'd be like, we still good? Fuck yeah. Man, this rules. Look, suckers paid for these seats. We just walked right by. Yeah, walked right through it. But yeah, Mike Tyson, he was wearing jean shorts. There we go.

And a striped polo shirt, and he had a big staff to walk with. Like a walking kid? That is so sweet. Yeah, he walks with a staff now. That's awesome. I love that in his old age, like all the podcast clips I see of him, he's like, you got to go the way of the warrior. You got to read Thun Thu.

He used to be a guy that like would suplex strippers like off the stage and like i guess he went to prison and like he reformed himself maybe but he's really into like you gotta you gotta you gotta weed the the sacred wings of the of the japanese samurai and learn how to to channel your wage you know your powers a warrior or whatever it's like a a character arc that I didn't think would happen for Tyson, but he has just enough CTE to get into part of the world. Yeah, the more likely character arc was him going to prison for rape again. Yeah.

Yes, yes, exactly. We call this the mystical path. Yeah. The mystical warrior's path. The sage's path. No, I mean, because mystical, the rapper did. He keeps doing the same thing. Oh, yeah.

Who's that guy, the NFL guy that, like, shot up, like, a strip club, like, ten times? Pac-Man. Yeah. He, like, he did it once, and, like, he got off because he was a wealthy athlete, and then he was like, I won't do it again. Like, eight months later, he was like, I've had enough had enough of this just like let let the chopper sing in his drip club in atlanta what a powerful fucking life to live what a way to go no mystical the rapper you know no i don't know who that is he uh he was part of a masterpiece label spelled like mr cow

like with a k yeah okay i think i know the name but i don't know any i wouldn't rounds at the tank he had some stuff with like uh he was on um he was on make him say uh okay all right all right that's yeah i got that one no no no no yeah i think i know that one yeah anyway i mean he wasn't the main guy. Anyway, I digress. Did he do a bunch of bad stuff? He loves hiring new hairdressers and immediately raping them. He has done it like seven or eight times. That's.

He did it like five times and then got a hit pretty late in his career with Mark Ronson on the same album that Uptown Funk was on. Okay. Yeah. So he was running and gunning for a bit. He never got got? Did he get me toot or something?

No, he went to prison like five or six times, but it was somehow for like three months at a time. Jesus Christ, man. Or maybe it was for like a year and he was just in and out but like he got caught like three months ago again. He got caught for the first time in like 99, dude. Jesus Christ.

He gets caught like every two years. Fucking god damn it, dude. Imagine if Lil Wayne put out albums like that still Yeah Jesus Christ Anyway That's like John Travolta

Every like three years For like 40 years 30 years maybe Some masseuse would be like Yeah I was uh Giving him a rub down And he tried to suck my penis off the table So I left

And then he would be like no that wasn't me and you know lawyers would get involved and be like well we can't prove it was john so and then like three years later some other disgruntled masseuse would be like well i mean i went into his trailer to give him a massage and he tried to suck my penis off the table and so i left and you know he's like it's not me. I don't know who you're massaging, but it's just not. I got to get a new masseuse. I keep doing the same one. It's funny, like, a kid being like, I didn't knock the flower pot over.

And you're like, all right. I mean, I know you did it, but it's, you know, just don't run around here anymore. And a kid learns. But to just try to suck dick like every two years and then it fails every time and then it'd be like gotta be sucking dick in between those but it is nice to think that he's never successfully right he's batting zero for zero on sucking dick like the most famous man in the world in the gayest era in movie history yeah dude and he did not suck a single penis successfully yeah these were like 19 year old twink masseuse rent boys and he just couldn't get it done he could not close

all of the deal the raw ingredients for a fucking some of the most molestable people in the world all the raw ingredients for a cake are there, and the oven just breaks every fucking time. Yeah, he had those fucking brownies from a mix. He fucked it up, dude. He put them in the freezer. I don't know. Forgot eggs at the store. Yeah, every time I read about that, he will like, you know, this is all allegedly.

You know, I don't want any trouble, but. Yeah, we don't want John Travolta to sue us nobody gives a fuck about this i know man i'm just jacking i'm jacking us off it's funny to just think like also like how revolting revolta anyway how revolting do you have to be to be at the peak of your career like how you're coming on to the guy in such a way that is so repulsive. You're a major movie star. And he's like, nah, I don't want to let you suck. You're not trying to get him to suck your dick.

He will not let you suck his dick. He's like, absolutely not. No, I can't. I can't let you do that to me. Multi-millionaire actor. Maybe his face looks weird with a dick in his mouth. Could be. You never know what your face is going to look like, you know?

Until you see it. Yeah, until you're just, yeah. What do you think yours would look like? You know what's fucked up, man, is that I got kind of a big head and big lips. I think it would look fucked up. Dude, honestly, I've got tiny heads, any dick would look huge in my mind. That's a good point, man. Yeah.

I didn't think about it that way. Yeah, it would make any... And I really don't want it. Like, I don't want a dick. I mean, like... Laying on my chin. Yeah. Just my head hanging off the bed.

When you look up and I got a pouty lip going on. He's laying across my whole head. Like, I'd be pissed off if that happened be so that thing would look huge on my head dude i got like a cat size head just my head hanging off the dinner table like a roasted pig yeah you see me coming up under the table to suck it and i look like a chipmunk under there like a dog begging for scraps anyway yeah i don't but yeah he probably looked different from that i feel like john travolta has jowls yeah he uh he does he's got those uh european genetics where you get jowls when you're like 17 yeah you're like you have to you have to do so much coke to not have

jowls and then this is stop doing enough it's like it's over like you have to get the surgery that like lifts your neck skin up to avoid the fucking that guy's a fucking weird looking motherfucker man he's also i mean he's a scientologist, so who knows, man? Scientology is designed for, like, I don't know. It's like it's guys who are too old to now be gay. Well, I think they get into it young. And in those interrogation emotional sessions where they make you purge all of your trauma, that's how they get a lot of these guys is they blackmail them like you tell them oh i like you know molested a somebody when i was 17 or like oh i

hit a guy with my car and took off like the whole thing with travolta and cruz too is is it what they have on them and the reason that they're still batting 9 000 for scientology is that they're both profoundly gay men like they're just're just, like, top-notch gay. Like, sucking and fucking, running and gunning or whatever. Or much darker secrets. Who knows? I like the idea that Tom Cruise just loves everything he does. Yeah. Like, he got into Scientology because it seemed badass.

Yeah, it's had science in it. He found people he loved working with. And he started making movies. He loves movies. He's been making movies forever. John Travolta, on the other hand, saw a reflection of a penis in a

wishing well when he was 23 years old. Enamored with it. Yeah. He jacks off thinking about hair gel and, like, jackets. Yeah, and, like, the banana boat self-tanner that grandmas wear. Yeah. I like the idea. Yeah, John Travolta, like, in his little interview is like,

you know, I just saw a penis reflection in the back of a urinal, and I just couldn't like you know i just i saw a penis reflection in the back of a urinal and i just couldn't you know and since then i try to suck off masseuses on the edge of a massage table i can't i can't get enough of it yeah john travolta comes from an era where the gayest thing you can do is kiss a man on the lips in a red corvette the the like saturday night fever thing was like that was just guys beat like guys if you did a little coke and we're like a like a did a little bit of coke and had we're a white boy with a little bit of swag you could be a homosexual but still be straight like you could do movies where you're like yeah all the women love me by the way i wear skin tight white leather pants and i got a deep v-neck button-up shirt um i'm super shredded and i only

hang out with guys in the movie you know roadhouse saturday saturday night fever like all of the working parts are there for what is basically you know again what was that roadhouse was not gay it was a very straight movie it yeah there's nothing there's there's nothing as straight as watching patrick swayze do tai chi next to a river wearing like a Speedo. That's a spiritual activity, dude. It's not gay. Did you hear about the remake? No.

Check this out. Jake Gyllenhaal, Conor McGregor. That's who's in it. It's released through Amazon Prime. It's coming out next year. Wait, are you serious? Dead serious. Conor's apparently's in it. It's released through Amazon Prime. It's coming out next year. Wait, are you serious? Dead serious. Connor's apparently not an extra.

He's got a serious part in the movie. And Jake Gyllenhaal plays... Fucking God damn it. I know. I know. Because what makes Roadhouse good is that it's fucking ridiculous. It's absurd. It's some of the silliest...

It is like peak mid-80s testosterone. Or like late 80s, and then i think there i when when i saw that gyllenhaal was attached i was like they're gonna make this gritty like southpaw or something where he's like he's on like pain pills and he like listens to fucking i don't know um like sunny day real estate or some shit and he like does push-ups and he was oh so in the movie i read the synopsis or at least what's available right now. He's an ex UFC fighter. So that's all we know.

So I'm running with the idea that like Jake Gyllenhaal is like a, like a drunk or something. And he like starts bouncing bars somewhere in Tennessee. What I love about Connor being in it is that he just, I am an imagine he's just going to show up at some point. Like if he's got a serious role, it's like Jake Gyllenhaal you know a storied actor pretty good and then at some point just connor mcgregor's there like that's what i hope happens can you imagine trying to make a movie with connor mcgregor he's just like like hey we need to redo that take again

he's like no it's good it's like, we're just going to do a second take. No, I don't do second takes. It's like, well, this movie is going to just suck dick. Then it's like, yeah,

yeah, well, I don't need any of this really. Like I don't, um, yeah, I hope he's really, he's on cocaine and flexing out of like button up shirts the whole time.

Like that's, dude, those Instagram videos of his are so funny. Just geek to the gills. There's just nothing up there, but columbian bam bam and roxy codon just in the bathroom like have you ever fucking seen it can you imagine taking a piss like dude you're just somewhere in europe you just i gotta piss i'm so fucked up and connor's having a solo moment in there because apparently he also just three pieces people like if you just catch him like on a bad day till three piece you he'll pay you out a cool

two million and you know it's done or whatever just going there to take a piss and connor's just flexing like what is on instagram and a baby get like a like a shmedium i would take that lawsuit i think in fact i've talked about it before on Twitter. I'm going to Ireland next year. I'm going to hang out at that restaurant and I'm going to talk a little shit about them. This food sucks. The whiskey's bad. Who was this made by? The crap chef? Who was this made by? The gayest

Irish man that ever lived? I would probably be scared to fight Connor because I think I'd knock him on his pussy ass. Dude, if you... Obviously, what would happen is... It would be very easy for me. If you got...

You would get slaughtered. But if you beat him up... Dude. I only need one punch. And with that punch, I would pretty handily knock him out. Yeah, everybody knows that you have one-punch knockout power over Conor McGregor. Right. Well, the thing is, he's sort of like fighting a snapping turtle.

You know, you got to go for the back of its head. Okay. And you got to... I would probably knock out Conor McGregor by... I would dress up like a female version of Conor McGregor. Okay. Like Bugs Bunny. Yeah, like Bugs Bunny. Right. mcgregor okay like bugs like uh yeah like bugs bunny right but i would i would be wearing a

a dress a sundress that was sparkly and i would have a bow tie on as well okay and then would you seduce him first or would you just three-piece him like at the moment you saw i would probably i would be in the men's bathroom okay okay we're going there to do some cocaine we would both i would act really surprised like i thought this was a women's restroom i'm sorry um and he'd be like don't worry about it. You're okay. I just feel so embarrassed. And he'd say, do you like to party? And we'd do some cocaine in the bathroom together. And then I would trick him into going into the stall and I would suck his dick. And after that, now he trusts me.

After that, he would take me home, and then he would fuck me in his bed. Man, you really gained his trust. I don't think you need to do any more, man. And then I'd wait until he's asleep, and I'd hit him with a chair on the back of the head. But I have to flip him over, right? I can't flip him over.

I'm not strong enough. I'm really weak. So I need him to be on his stomach. So I'm going to get him really fucked up and then I'm going to push my balls and most of my dick into my body so it feels like kind of a clit if he's looking that area.

And I'm going to make him fake eat my pussy okay he'll fall asleep face down i think you've already gained his trust man i don't think you gotta do anything no this is just so he'll be on his stomach so it's easier for me to hit him in the back of the head with a chair okay okay he's gonna eat my pussy and maybe my asshole and then all right uh and then i if need be i would probably let him fuck me again if that's what i needed to do to gain his trust i thought you already knocked him out right in the morning i'd be like oh my god baby who hurt you do you need my boobs in your face the problem with that is i don't know how i will grow tits by the by that time i would have obviously fake boobs you get some silicone like the sleeve you put over your body maybe maybe but he would know it wasn't real he knows the feel yeah he's probably felt a million boobies

yeah he definitely has i would assume so so let me just so let's just plan this out because i i think we got a lawsuit on our hand we could come out on top if he right you know well i would be on the bottom for most time while he fucked me right no i understand that but we're talking legally speaking not necessarily what you have to do to gain his trust legally we're in cowgirl position for sure or maybe reverse cowgirl legally speaking sir i was in reverse cowgirl so i couldn't have hit conor mcgregor in the head with a chair yeah yeah i did hit him with that good good though yeah i did i bounced back on it for about 25 to 30 minutes uh So you dress up like a girl. You go to the Black Forge in Dublin.

And you got a bow tie on and a silver sequined dress. And, you know, you suck his penis. He fucks you in the bathroom. There's a lot more that goes into it than that. Okay. Those are just steps in the plan. I know. So, you know, you guys do a little bit of work.

My plan isn't to suck Conor McGregor's dick, but that's going to be something I have to do for the plan. Right. I would never want to do that, but it's the only way. We're trying to do like an Ocean's Eleven thing where we get settlement money from him hitting you. So wait, he fucks you a bunch and then you knock him out. Where does your money come in?

I probably wouldn't press charges i would probably feel i probably would have a pretty close bond with him by then but i could probably become his girlfriend and then he could probably just throw me around and fuck me whenever he wanted to but the problem with that is i'd you know i just feel like i was living a lie i just feel like I was living a lie. I just feel like I was like a man trapped in a man's body. That happens a lot. Like just a regular guy. And I don't know if I could do that. you know and i don't know if i could do that so what i would probably do is like i would have him take me on like a really nice date to like a fancy restaurant okay and i'd start acting like the crazy

bitch i can be like for sure raising hell yeah yeah being like i know you're talking to other girls your wife i know i know you're texting your wife right now yeah yeah and and he would be like no i'm not baby i love you i love you so much give me a kiss and we'd kiss probably and then i would say fuck you connor i'm done with your bull crap okay and that's that's that's it i'm done with this crap and he'd say wait baby is there any way i can fix this and i'd say yeah yeah there is i want a fucking birkin he'd buy me a birkin and he'd fuck me like a whole bunch like a birkin bag again i don't mean to lose the plot here but i'm trying to figure out where yeah how

much a birkin is worth if you get one of the more classic designs the resale value is pretty high because they won't sell a birkin to just anybody you can't just straight up go into an hermes show store and just buy a birkin you have to let's even get the opportunity to buy one you have to be a long-term high-paying customer to even look at the Birkins. Let's just say... These are things my girlfriend has told me, so I know these things. So let's just say

he buys you the Birkin and the resale value is $40,000. At this point you've been fucked and sucked several times by Conor McGregor and you're making out with $40,000 if you can sell. Right, but think about how much I'd be paying in rent during that time normally i'm saving at least three thousand dollars on rent you're living in his house yeah i would probably ask to live in his shed his training room his weight room just sleep on the bed yeah we're at the restaurant

i live in the bathroom at the restaurant. You could double up. Good idea here. You could double up. You could be the woman, and then you could just be, like, a guy that works out with him. So get, like, two times the money in gifts. And then you're a double agent. Yeah, I could train. Yeah, with the best.

Yeah. What if this was the first episode that your dad, like, tuned in for? He just, he kind of found out about it. That wouldn't be good. i wouldn't like that i would feel really bad he's like i know i know he's been telling me you know that he's just doing another show but i forgot the feeling that you know and i think there's something about i thought i overheard something about a padejo some padejo moment time that's what it was i'm gonna go find out my boy's show spotify click click click you know or google's it maybe finds it you know and then he just presses play on this episode and you're like yeah well i guess what i would do is i'd put my

penis in my balls in my body and then he would eat my butt and then he would fuck me a whole bunch look any any guy will understand where i'm coming from on that. No, I don't disagree with you. I'm just saying. Because it's something you have to do your whole life. 100%. Yeah. I don't disagree with you. Every job I've ever had was thanks to that.

Look, if you're thinking about getting it, do you think me and Thomas got this far in podcasting without turning ourselves out a little bit? Yeah. When I wanted to work a job at McDonald's in high school, I had to dress up like a girl clown and let the whole staff fuck me for a week. Damn, damn. I only ate fries that I found under the counters.

I was being fucked. I was being fucked and torn up. They had to leave my pussy in the walk-in freezer for a while. To cool off. Yeah, so it wouldn't swell up too bad. They were beating it up. That's awesome, man. I really respect you for that.

Yeah, you know what? Have you ever had your pussy beaten out and sucked in? No, no. I can't say that I have. I'm a super religious guy. I'm kind of saving myself for the right, you know. Yeah. I was saving myself for Connor, but I guess not for you.

Don't be saying anything like that. You're saving yourself for me? Saving that good pussy for Big Daddy Thomas. Yeah. Yeah, please don't talk to me like that ever again man you know whatever dude you're fucking playing hard to get this whole time you're like fucking a year and a half into this show you ain't giving it up and i'm like what and you're like hey i was wondering if you figured out the unemployment like yeah yeah there's so much more time to talk on here when you're not hitting a vape i'm not calling you out.

This is one of the first episodes I've ever done not hitting a vape the entire time. Yeah. I have breath to speak. I forgot this feeling. I can work it out. Ma. I can riff. Lord, I swear I can riff.

I was talking with my boy and when I was smoking that shit. I couldn't get nothing out. But now, boy, I get going and I start talking about getting fucked out by Conor McGregor. Good golly, that boy can riff. It's like an Elvis movie, but you're just like stimming autistically and you're like. Yeah, it's a scene from an Elvis movie. He's gay he's gay and he's he's putting his balls and penis into his body and like it's a clit sticking out and then conor mcgregor is licking it

like a clit but it doesn't get hard because he trained it that's awesome oh hell i want to go on i want to be i think everybody from like uh america's got talent is dead probably right yeah but i want to go on there and be like i can stub my balls into my body and then i can shove them into a line and it makes my dick like huge it's like an anaconda that just ate a big goat and they're like you can't smoke cigarettes in here whatever you're like doing it like sir please don't smoke in the lincoln theater you can't you're like i don't give a fucking shit yeah i remember there was an episode of American Idol. When I was in fourth or fifth grade. Where randomly on live TV, Simon Cowell just lights a cigarette. Really?

Yeah, it was in the middle of the room. And Ryan Seacrest is like, hey, can you put that out? And he's like, yeah, that's fine. But everyone is like, what? It's clear that he just forgot he was doing the show. He's like fucked up. When Paula Abdul was the judge, she was so pilled out. She would be like,

that was a performance when it brought tears, sweetie. And then Simon would be like, you get fucked by a thousand gorilla apes. You are truly awful.

You are truly... I hope you fucking die, you get fucked by a thousand gorilla apes. You are truly awful. You are truly... I hope you fucking die, you fat fucking pig. Your voice sounded like my mother getting railed out by a giant crazy elephant. Is that what you want to hear? Because it's not what I wanted to hear. Who was the other guy in the middle? The chill guy?

Randy Jackson. Randy Jackson. Randy Jackson. I own a pair of Randy Jackson eyeglasses. That's awesome. I told you, my dad gave me the Steve Harvey wallet that I kind of want to switch back to from the Ridge wallet. Speaking of, just kidding, we don't have them back. We will never do business with them again. I thought I had the glasses.

I don't. I guess I'm just not wearing them anymore because I lost them and that's why I don't have them. Anyway, yeah, I think Randy Jackson's a wonderful guy and I wish he'd come around more often. Yeah. I think we could legitimately maybe get him on the show. We could maybe get him on the show.

Because I don't know what the fuck that guy's up to. He might still be on. I don't think so. I think it's Katy Perry. Babe, who's the judges for American Idol? Right now. Yeah. Katy Perry, Lionel Richie.

Katy Perry, Lionel Richie, andke bryant i don't know so it's not that's awful blake shelton no he does the voice oh okay never mind uh god is katie perry a lesbian now i think she just likes to katie per's not a lesbian. I think she just... Breaking news! Former pop star turned lesbo. God. Speaking of which...

Which is fine, but why is she... I don't think blonde is a good look for her, if I'm being honest. Blonde on Katy Perry? Does she look like shit? No, she doesn't look bad. She looks intensely racist in a way that I don't normally see. Blonde is a racist color.

It looks bad on her. She looks racist. I think it's the shade of blonde, if I'm being honest. Is it like Debbie Does Dallas type shit? It's like she's got the dark roots and then oh the karen roots like the yeah dude the karen her current haircut is like the bob it's like i don't know what it's called it's like kind of a it's real short on the sides and then it's like it's like a boy haircut basically but the school shooter haircut the kind of the bangs are like uh kind of snipped at an angle i don't know man like the european

sex traffic i'm making fun of her it's probably like a five thousand dollar haircut but um lionel richie's still fucking just wearing scarves all the time that's fucking true, brother That man is still plowing for pussy At age 95 or whatever I used to want Ryan Seacrest, dad Yeah, I had beef with the guy for a long time I just He's too fucking cheerful Yeah, he's fucked up He's gotta have something wrong with his brain

To still be doing that fucking show How much are they paying him at this point? $50. $50. Eat your damn dinner, you stupid dog. Oh, Ryan Seacrest is worth $450 million. Okay, yeah, I'd still be doing this show as well. My bad, Ryan.

My bad for hating on your bag. Half a billion dollars. Yeah, I guess, you know, that makes sense. Speaking of weird lesbos, not my mom. My mom is not a lesbian. No, she had you. By default, could never be gay in any form. So she's been driving for Uber, and she picks up this lady, uh, okay.

She's described her as like a, a, a, you know, like a, like a butch, you know, kind of a stud, a bigger, heavier set lesbian woman. And, uh, so my mom like driving her all around town and whatever. And the lady's like, my, my card on my app is being weird. And my mom was like, ah, this seems shady. You know, lady was like, I'll just cash happy 50 bucks. Cause the lady had like, my card on my app is being weird. And my mom was like, ah, this seems shady. The lady was like, I'll just cash app you $50 because the lady had multiple stops or whatever. Mom was like, oh, well, okay. I mean, I don't know how much it was going to cost, but whatever.

So she closed the app. And the lady's like, hey, I'm going to, you know, just, she's like, my wife's in the Army. And, you know, I get super lonely out on the road. So you want to just, like, hang out with me for a bit? And my mom, a very sweet and naive woman, was like, yeah, sure. Like, there's a couple good places to eat around here. We're near South Houston. There's some good Cajun food.

The lady was like, I love Cajun food. I haven't had Cajun food in forever. And so my mom's texting me all this, like, you know, after it happened or whatever. ever and so my mom's texting me all this like you know after it happened whatever she was like she said that she went to dinner with this lady that she met and she was driving around an uber trucker whose wife is on deployment who drives basically all around the country into alaska doesn't talk to people and my mom you know goes to close out her tab and the lady's like, no, I got it. Thank you for your company. My mom was like, oh, it's a sweet lady. So nice.

And then again, my mom, born again, Christian, super naive. They get back in the car. She's like, oh, can you just drop me off over at this place? You know, this has been my final stop. Thank you so much. Mom like takes her to some like, her to some hotel area or whatever. And the lady's like, I'll send you another 50 bucks. Mom was like, I don't have to do that.

You already bought me dinner. You get 50 bucks? Lady's like, no, please. I insist. And lady cash-absorbed another 50. My mom accepts the money. She's like, well, it's been great. Hope your wife's doing good.

And lady's like, mm hmm. Kind of sitting and I was like, all right, well. And she was a lady's like, oh, well, have a good one, you know, like, I guess, you know, the whatever. And I was texting my mom. My mom, I was like, Mom, did you go on a fucking date with a butch trucker whose wife was in the army? She was like, no, she's just a nice person and lonely. And I was like, mom, I was like, you picked up a lady. You're an Uber driver, right? You're not, that's not your only job, but you're doing it on the side. You pick up a woman who's like, I'm a trucker. My wife is in the army.

a woman who's like i'm a trucker my wife is in the army my app's not working can i give you cash or can i cash up your money well i was like i just i just believed her and i was like and then she took you to dinner and paid she's like well you know she's nice and i was like and then her final stop when she sends you 50 more dollars is a hotel or you know wherever you know she was like texting i was like mom i think she was like oh my goodness she was like i guess i went on a date with a woman mom's like in her mid-40s or whatever she's like i i don't know i was like she's like again my mom like totally naive like just had no idea but i was like I was like, she's like, and again, my mom, like, totally naive. Like, just had no idea. But I was like, she was like, I do think she was just being nice. I'm like, totally a possibility.

But also, just as possible is, you know, you were getting propositioned and had no idea. Like, you had no fucking idea. I was thinking, I was like. It would have been funny if she, like, checked into the hotel. Like, oh, this is a nice hotel they like watch a movie it's like oh they've got the transporter your mom like goes swimming in like the hotel pool like all right thank you they're taking like pictures getting caricatures drawn at the boardwalk and shit she's just really nice yeah we're going to maui i get a text from her right now she's like yeah you remember that

trucker lady well we're um we're going to spain just super sweet you know she bought the airfare uh you know it would be really funny if your mom got a girlfriend and like the way that like it was slowly revealed to you was like yeah we're no we're just she's super nice we're going to church together every sunday now oh no she did bible study sleepover yeah no she's super nice we're going to church together every sunday now oh no she did bible study sleepover yeah no she's super cool in the way that like arranged marriages work where like you just hang out like like you know like wherever they do them in india whatever you just hang out with a guy for like 10 years and like the next day you're married you're like when the fuck did this happen yeah she was i was like it's just sometimes she'll like tell me stuff and i'm like

did you did you not like nothing you know i mean of all the things that can happen that's much funnier i mean you know uber's a fucking but i like that that interaction i imagine in my mind was incredible i i have a picture of what this lady looks like, and I was like, I can't believe my mom took a lesbian trucker out on a Cajun dinner date and then got paid for it. She just made off like a bandit, you know? Dude, fucking chowing down on crawfish

before you plan on eating pussy is a bold move, dude. Come on, dude. No, man, because think about it. She had Old Bay all over her fucking face, probably. No, man. Just think about it. She had Old Bay all over her fucking face, probably. Fuck off. She was, dude. Fuck off.

Your mama's going to have to go to the hospital, man. Come on, dude. I mean, I'm just telling it like it is. I'm just shooting straight, boy. I jacked off after eating crawfish one time Dude it fucking nearly killed me Dude I've done the same I was making

I was making those Jalapeno poppers The cream cheese Chicken Wrapped in bacon And Fresh jalapenos I was gutting them

Blah blah blah blah Doing all the shit. I didn't go jack off, though. I went to go take a piss. And grabbed my penis, peed, and then I was, like, the whole rest of the party was fucked. That's not something you can really fix. Like, I don't know what the solution is.

If anybody's got one out there, if you've ever had hot dick before, fucked a game up making some chicken wings or salsa or something, because i literally just walked around the party at my own house with like in pain on my penis zone for about like two or three hours apparently you can dip it in milk but i'm never your penis you can dip it in milk it'll well i mean you could do whatever you want in this life it's your it's your oyster but if you know it's like i feel like i knew i could do One of those things where it's like in your brain is like technically safe,

but weird to do. Especially if it's in a glass of milk. Yeah, like a pint glass. Like a drink out of. Weird thing to do. You'll accidentally tell somebody someday because you'll think it's going to be funny when you're drunk. It won't be, and it's going to be bad.

Yeah. That's such a great way to describe like shit you just weird shit you do as a teen or a kid and then like yeah you just have way too many banquets one night and you're like dude i shoved a hot wheel at my butthole when i was like 10 and that's so funny and everybody's like that's awesome man just kind of sitting there on a lawn scratchy lawn chair getting bit by mosquitoes yeah i don't uh apparently you can i mean yeah you can do whatever you want but apparently that takes some of the sting off but in that moment uh i wasn't prepared to take a pint glass with milk to the bathroom of my own

house party and put my soft penis in it for several reasons uh one i had roommates and we all share cups uh two i'm i don't want to put my dick in milk so i just kind of like dealt with it you know just actually just walks up and goes what i like i like the idea of like using like an eyedropper of milk to like pinpoint it i was telling him about she goes what are you talking about i had when i was making jalapeno poppers and uh apparently i got my my penis got hot because i went to go pee and apparently the way that you can do that to alleviate it is to put your penis in milk but i didn't want to do that he said he dipped a penis in salsa and sucked it off and his gums are on fire. Yeah, that's what actually happened. What were you saying?

You grabbed a chip to scoop some of the salsa out of the penis and you split it down the middle because it was towards the tip. Anyway, now, I forget, Jake. Why do you always assault, you know, you attack me when I forget things and it's the nature of existence. The nature of existence? Excuse me, Foreman. I was just trying to get my hot penis away.

I had to put it in milk, and it just sort of came off. Eunuch Pipefitter, bringing him back. Nice. It's called a call. Pleased to meet you. Won't you suck my dick? Pleased to meet you. Won't you lick my taint?

But what's guzzling dudes is the nature of my game. There we go. Not very good, but you know. Guzzling dudes, nature of my guess not bad no and i mean the premise itself i wasn't giving you much to work with there you did great you don't need much it's it's we're this is podcast no we need to be strictly high effort now we love high brow comedy we need to get irony brow we need to we need to get a bunch of crazy stuff going because i'm tired of the goofy humor you know yeah people really jokes cheap shots people what they want what's really going

to blast this podcast in the stratosphere is if we start talking about the real issues um you know um teachers grooming kids uh estrogen in the water supply, you know, dicks getting smaller. Yeah. So if you think that things aren't getting weird, here's something. I've lived my whole life, you know, my little button has been tight as could be, you know.

Right, correct. I go to wash the other day, my whole arm slips up there like it's nothing. Something's shifting within the world, you know right correct i go to wash the other day my whole arm slips up there like it's nothing something's shifting within the world you know yeah they turn on the large hadron collider and my butthole like just went like like this yeah it was it was it was like noodling like it was feeding my hand and faster than i could feed feed it in myself you know so that I can feed it in myself, you know? That is a very grotesque mental image of, like, a Cajun guy with his arm. Like, he goes to grab the catfish.

Just like a whole-ass dude comes out, like, ass first. I got one! It's like some weird tunnel where his friend's standing next to him. He reaches his head into the hole and then yanks it. His friend's like, oh, and goes under the water. Teaching his son to do it. He's like,'s like, oh, and goes under the water. Teaching his son to do it. He's like, all right, boy, so here's the thing. You're going to want to feel for the back shell of a turtle because if you feel that, that's a snap turtle.

You get your arm out of there. But if you don't feel nothing, you're not in a turtle nest. You got a catfish right there. You just stick your arm all the way in there, and then you just kind of punch slowly. All right, Dad, I got it. Dad just disappears of punch slowly. All right, Dad, I got it. Dad just disappears like out of the water. It would be a great premise for a Jaws remake.

Noodler. That's how you make some money. Instead of Jaws, noodle. Instead of Jaws and a shark, a man-eating animal, it is what is essentially backwoods incest pornography we're gonna need a bigger we're gonna need a bigger fan boat but it's like a it's just little just a little fan boat and then they bring out a medium fan boat we're gonna yeah here how about gay jaws how about that yeah balls We're gonna need a bigger ass

We're gonna need a Yeah Man we're cooking with gas We're gonna need a A bigger Man We're gonna need a Bigger

We're gonna need We're gonna need a Bigger Gay guy Bigger bottle of Boob Bigger gay guy I'm refusing bottle of boob. Bigger gay guy. I'm refusing to put any thought into this.

Yeah, well, dude, we can't keep doing that. You know, people complain all the time. No, they don't. Nobody cares. They do. I get messages that are like, Jake, you're not funny. Thomas, you don't talk. The audio is so bad.

Who pays you for this? You don't need to read those, man. I haven't even shipped out some of the shirts yet. By the way, if I haven't shipped out your shirt yet, it's because I forgot to. My bad. Most of them have gone out, I do believe.

No, the only ones that haven't shipped out were the guys who confirmed their shit this past weekend. Okay. Also, one guy, your shirt got shipped back because of something you uh you'd be with the address up if you're listening to this fix that shit or did you email him no no i i'll email them about it yeah i'll get you all set up um i like to act like it's the end of the show around the three-quarters minutes yeah but like i said you know You've got a gay shark Or whatever

That maybe it's gonna eat A A bigger gay guy A guy with a dick Or something Right It's really something To think about

Right I've got a damn itchy nose I tell you that Yeah Damn itchy nose I'm sorry about that buddy You know It's okay man

But it's like nobody I can tell nobody Gives a fuck about My predicaments You know You know that's the thing About men's it's like nobody, I can tell nobody gives a fuck about my predicaments, you know? You know, that's the thing about men's problems, man, is nobody fucking cares, bro. So it's just you versus the fucking world alone. Like a man suffers alone, a man lives alone, a man feels alone. And so all you got is the weight room and fucking, you know, drum and bass music.

drum and bass music. You've only got killing animals, little baby animals, stuff like that. You know what I'm saying? Right, yeah. I consider myself a lot like Patrick Bateman from American Psycho.

I'm not really fit or wealthy and I don't kill women, last I checked. But we both like uh business cards i want to get some made for us i don't know what i want to put on there but i want it to be something that i can't hand out to people mostly say thomas it can absolutely that would be perfect just thomas just so just I just wanted to say Thomas. I really don't want anything else on there. My buddy Chad printed out like 200 when we were in high school.

He was doing like mechanic work or whatever on the side, and it was just like a very, like a faded, you know, kind of drawed rendering of him and an American flag and then like an eagle and then like a wrench and then it said uh Chad a very cool guy Ben Affleck like from a quote and and uh we would be like at parties or whatever and you know people would be talking he's like man if you're having car trouble just take my card you know super cheap or like he would just hand them out people for no reason like when he would come visit me in Austin we'd be at the bar and he would hand

them to women his number's not even on there. It would just say, a very cool guy. And they were like, did Ben Affleck really say this? And he's like, no, not at all. But no, I think we should get some made. Yeah, how about mine says Thomas and yours says Jake?

And then people will know our names. Right, we don't have any sort of contact info. I don't want people fucking calling me, emailing me. I'll post your phone number on the patreon i i mean most of them already like know like where i live and stuff that is very funny that they do yeah yeah i'll do the people who i sent invoices i did not realize bro it has like all of my personal information on those invoices. That is so sick. Like my personal email somehow and full name, address, phone number. That's awesome. For the business, not for me.

It's a personal. Anyway, two gifts. Fuck. People can start sending you gifts, man. Podcasters love the gig. I don't want that at all. The only gift I want is a miter saw. If you've got miter saw money, Thomas will accept it.

I don't need a super good one, honestly. I don't need like a DeWalt, I don't think. I might just go with like a Makita or whatever. I don't know. If you've got a miter saw and you're willing to get rid of it. I don't know what I would accept people mailing me. Well, a miter saw would be goddamn expensive to ship. Yeah, it absolutely would be.

Yeah, I feel bad. Here's the thing. These are the only things I'll accept. If you have a Buick Grand National or a Pontiac GTO, cool with that. Or a Stingray Corvette. Ideally late 70s. I'll take that. Otherwise, I don't want anything.

Not that anybody would send me anything. But if you feel inclined and you have those things, I will gladly take them off your hands. I've got a big diaper. You've got a big diaper? Does it have a poo-poo in it? Poo-poo, and I was going to send it to you. That would be so funny. I would love if you sent me poopy. Dude, that's what our next thing needs to be.

What, sending each other shit? No, being babies. Oh, we could be babies on the show? We could do that. Yeah, we could Tommy and Jakey? We could do YouTube reacts. Yeah. You know, Andrew Schultz is, like, comedian reacts to, like, Uvalde cops. Yes. Baby reacts to like you've all the yes baby

reacts to you've all the cops wait wait I'm so sad about wait I'm a fool you like that yeah

baby Rex Andrew Schultz it's just a clip of his coming baby reacting yeah my daddy's a wigger no no oh man it It's never mind. I don't think I can actually say that. But yeah, baby reacting to you, baby reacting to what's good in the world. I can't think of anything. Baby reacting to student debt forgiveness. Yep.

Baby reacting to war in Ukraine. Baby reacting to the repeal of Roe v. Wade. Yeah! Bad baby, no. No, no. Bad baby. Somebody hit him. We're going to lose our YouTube monetization.

We're going to get deplatformed. Shit. Fuck. Worst baby ever. Baby reacting to 9-11. Wait, wait. Oh, no. I hate 9-11. No. baby reacting to um let's see what else we got uh baby reacting to war crimes

we have a very based baby on our hands, it seems. Oh, based baby. Bam, a lamb. You like that one? Yeah, that was really good. Based baby making memes. Yeah, yeah. Oh, baby, baby, bam, a lamb. Join the cake team.

Oh, yeah. Fucking retarded. Oh, based baby. Fucking retarded Ooh, Bass Baby Hanging on for a chance To be a baby like a man Post the N-word again Bass Baby time, man

I love the Bass Baby, dude Oh, Black Baby You know what's funny is The base baby time, man. I love the base baby, dude. Oh, black baby. You know what's funny is I'm not entirely unsure that we couldn't run with base baby and it wouldn't go on Gumroad or something. I mean, those people are fucking stupid. They will subscribe and bankrupt themselves to support anything. Just a baby. Just a video to support anything. Just a baby. Just a video of a baby.

Anybody's baby. Pay some lady like 20 bucks to let us hang out with her baby for like 10 hours. Yeah, we let it smoke a cigarette. We let it smoke a cigarette

and we give it a little bit of ketamine. And then we just dub over, you know, us being like, you know, fucking whores stink. You know, Mexicans, boo, but wah. Baby, wah. being like you know fucking whores stink you know mexicans but baby yeah that would that would sell guys would guys yeah we could make money off of it for sure then but our hearts would be corrupted

they would be because we're not racist guys right we're not we're not bad dudes people some people is a jake's a pretty bad guy he's a bandito he's a biker i gotta start we gotta start spreading rumors about each other we've we did i remember like the the first six months of the show that was a premise that we were like we just got to start spreading, like, the worst type of shit about each other. Yeah, like, no, Jake's cool, but he's, like, a pedophile. I don't know. Like, not the best. I like it when you're saying not the best. Like, not describing my character.

I'm just a bad pedophile. Like, I'm not good at it. Like, that's my only redeeming. Like, he hangs out at the park, but he doesn't even pull. Yeah. You know, it's like. That's the one. Like, parents, like, leave their kids around him because he has no swag. Yeah, they won't get in the van, dude.

They want nothing to do with the guy. He's too clumsy. Too clumsy. He doesn't really know about cartoons. You can tell the motive is there. He's just too pussy to do anything. That's why I never get canceled because I just have batting zero for zero. Kind of Travolta with dick sucking.

I just can't, you know, just can't zero in on the closure. Imagine if Jared Fogle had just booked hotels for a bunch of nine-year-olds and then did not show up. And they're like, yeah, poof! The FBI's scratching their heads. It's like, it's not illegal to book a hotel for a nine-year-old, but it's definitely...

It just seems like Disney World to them because they get free cereal in the morning and they get to watch TV all night. Yeah. It's a theme park. Oh, man. I think I've already... I know I've talked about this one before, but he got sent to the hole.

Huh? No, I didn't see. This was a few years back. So he had got a girlfriend. She was of age outside of jail. But I guess per the nature of his, like, offenses that he was, like, not allowed to have, like, conjugal visits or any sort of romance. I don't know. I'm not 100% on that.

But what I am 100% on is that he got solitary confinement for sending very horny love letters to this lady. And then, cherry on top top he couldn't send a dick pic because he's in fucking federal prison so what he did he took a page of college ruled notebook paper with the red line and the blue lines across it and he traced his soft penis on it and he mailed that to her and you can find it on the internet you got to dig a little bit because I think it got buried. But it is literally like he traced his penis soft. So it's like it's a whole piece of college rule paper, dude. And like it was folded inside the love letter. It was like, I can't wait to get out of jail for being a pedophile so I can fuck you.

But he had traced his penis on there. And, you know, the warden and the fucking guards or whatever, they get this and they're like, well, he can't be doing that. And so he got thrown in solitary for like two months for it. But I'm... No respect to the man, dog shit, but you know how horny you got to be

to trace your soft dick on college road paper? Well, if you're that horny and it's like that high stakes, like, why not get hard? Very good point, dude. Also, it's like, are we putting it beyond this? Like, is he just claiming it was soft?

Well, it looked limp. The tracing was... It's fine to have a small dick that's bent up or whatever. Like, it's not the biggest... If a girl is willing to date you and you're jared fogel she's probably not that worried about you having a weird dick very good point i didn't even think about that it's like that's probably not the biggest deal breaker there you're a pedophile and one of the most famous pedophiles in the last 20 years all of this emotional labor and like fucking co-opting psychology term

nonsense fucking bullshit with like red flags and green flags and yellow like it was just like oh you know i met this guy oh what's he like oh it's you know a couple red flags off the jump but you know me i kind of i'm kind of a crazy girl i kind of just run with it it's like oh is he you know mattress on the floor oh no nothing like that so is he like live with his mom no what is he oh he's a prolific pedophile arguably one of the most famous pedophiles of the last two decades yeah not one of the most prolific ones probably but one of the most famous absolutely i think he just got caught with a bunch of kitty diddles uh media i don't actually know i think he did try to meet a couple of them i don don't remember. No, I think he tried to meet girls.

It was pretty bad. Bad happens. Yeah. Like, he got caught, like, trying to book hotels and shit for, like, meetups or whatever, I think. I think that was what, like, honestly, I hate even saying this. If he hadn't tried to meet up, he might not have even faced anything. Yeah. Yeah.

It seems like, I know people get caught all the time but it's like you hear about people getting caught like 25 years in yeah to like being online and stuff it's like oh you just stumbled upon this guy you know anyway do you know the the youtuber edp he's that fat black guy's a big fan of the Eagles. He got got by an amateur to catch a predator. I don't know if you saw that video. No. He's like, so there's these guys that go around and they do basically to catch a predator,

but on their GoPros and shit. Oh, I think I've seen some of their stuff. Yeah. So they got a hold of him. They're showing him screenshots and they're, like, showing him screenshots, and they're like, you said you wanted to, quote, bend all this very vulgar stuff to a girl that said she was, like, 13. Very bad.

At one point, he's like, hey, man, I can fucking read screenshots. All right. I know what I said. And they were like, do you think you should go to jail? And he was like, yeah, I think so. But because in a lot of cases cases these guys don't typically go to jail because like the police like they don't some of them do especially if like they can get like raids on their homes but a lot of these like amateur like pedo hunter guys they mostly just

shame them get them fired for their jobs and you know good on them or whatever they're pieces of shit but they keep catching there's one guy they keep getting like over and over again i think his name's jason or something like that. He's this short, stubby, fat, balding guy. And it's to the point now where they'll walk in a donut shop and they're like, Hey, what's up, man? And he's like, Yeah! He'll scream.

And he's like, Not again! And they're like, Man, you keep messaging boys online, dude. And it's not a boy. It's me. And he's like, I don't go away! And they're like, Jason, man,'s not a boy. It's me and he's like And they're like Jason maybe this is a donut shop you can't be you can't be he's like police and they're like I don't think that's a good idea Think that's like the worst and there's like he'll like waddle out. He's like 411. He's fucked up man He's not a normal guy and then like two three months later

These guys like being there it all starts in their car and they're like you're not gonna believe who we got and like the passenger is like you guys ready they walk into like a fucking jamba juice that little motherfucker's there with a laptop and they're like hey what's up man he's like like he just fucking runs out dude they've got the motherfucker like five times which again bad because that guy needs to go to jail but like it's weird what cops like can't they like you know it's like they can give the screenshots or whatever but i don't know why like they can't arrest the dude because i think it's like vigilante vigilante justice or whatever i don't fucking know but uh yeah that guy needs to

get hit by a truck yeah i mean you can you just kill him yeah that would be funny if like they're like hey man uh see i would respect it a lot more if they just kill oh this is a could just kill him. Yeah, that would be funny. They're like, hey, man. See, I would respect it a lot more if they just kill him. Oh, this is a guy. Just kill him. Hey, hey, Jason. Pow! They do. There's one.

They go into an in and out, and they confront this guy, and the know, like, hey, man, I'll go home. And they're like, you're not going home, bud. We're going to have a conversation. And the dude, like at one point, like turns around and throws like the gayest, most like. I'm not like literally like punch in the whole world. And it kind of like lands on the guy's head. He like and then just sleeps and like it's the i can't describe the punch to you without being like and the guy the guy was like he just swing on you and he was like i don't know it's just fucking like anyway yeah i

don't it it would be yeah way more rewarding if like they're in the car and they're like this one's gonna end a little bit differently y'all uh this is our eighth time with this guy so and then just from the hood of the car you you see on the GoPro like a.50 cal just extends out. They just start dumping rounds into like stripes or whatever. They're like, we got him. And then they like hit the trunk button and go, and there's like a guy tied up. All right, we got this, Rich. Fucking A, man.

You know, me and you should start doing stuff like that. I mean, not pedophilia. Yeah, we got to start killing people, man. Yeah me and you Should start doing stuff like that I mean not pedophilia Yeah we gotta start Killing people man Yeah we gotta start It's like we got this guy again It's like It's like not like

A pedophile hunter or anything It's just a guy On a tinder date Guy who He's like You thought this girl Was 25 didn't you He's like yeah

She seemed really cool Well it was me And now I'm gonna kill you He's like, yeah, she seemed really cool. Well, it was me, and now I'm going to kill you. He's like, I'm 24, man. I really don't know what the big deal is. It's like, well, neither do I. You're getting a gun to your fucking head. I'm profoundly, profoundly unwell.

I cannot feel anything unless I do this. Yeah, so sorry, Tom, but it's over for you. Hey, if you like this episode, why don't you come on down to the Thunderdome? Damn. Damn. Go on down to patreon.com slash pandejo time and throw us a little cheeserone.

Five bucks a month gets you bonus episodes, a whole backlog. Ten bucks a month gets you all that plus once a month video episodes. Those are getting better. We got a new camera, high quality. Last month was learning how to use it, so it's a little funky. And if you give me $1,000 a month for a year, I'll cut the tip of my pinky off.

And he will deliver it to you, hand deliver it to you, regardless of where you live. There's a $50 a month option. You don't got to do that. But if you got it like that and you really really really like us fuck it run it back you know not a lot of guys on there but guys we respect nonetheless

so patreon.com slash it's almost entirely women on there yeah it's very frustrating because of Jake's bad boy image my bad boy image. It's my bad boy? What is that? You said I was a pedophile.

Yeah, that is very much a bad boy image. Not only am I one of those things, but I'm not good at it. That's how bad boy I am. Yeah, you're like the John Travolta pedophilia. Yeah, he might have actually. Actually, allegedly. Who knows? Well, I guess John Travolta isophilia. Yeah, he might have actually. Actually, allegedly. Who knows? Well, I guess John Travolta is in his own way.

Anyway, thank you so much for tuning in. If you didn't hear any of this, then you're going to have to go back to the beginning. We talked for an hour. We did. Bye.