Pendejo Time - thomastastic

Episode Date: October 3, 2024

he had a tomtastic day Support the show

Oh hi hi hi hey hey hi hi Hi, hi. Hi. Hi. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hi. Oh, la hey Hey, hi. Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi That's how we start the show now And Jake didn't really have his part all the way down It's fine. He's feeling low energy today, but I'm not and We're gonna give Jake a big juicy burst of energy here with your new weekly free episode of Pendejo time and now we start the intro hey hey hey hey

hey hey hello hello hello oh la hey hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hello, hi. Hi, hello, hello, hi. Hi, hello, hello, hi. It's good to start losing your voice before the one minute mark of an episode. Yeah, that's the professionals. Yeah. That's how we do it in the damn fucking south. What are some other ways to say hi? Oh, brother. Oh, man. Hello. Hola. Hi.

What's good? Hey. Hi. Oh man. Hello. Hola. Hi. What's good? Hey. Hi. What's poppin'? Shawty, what you workin' with? What's up? Hi.

Hi. Hi. Hi. That's all the ways to say it that I know know there's not really any other ways Go to you uh fucking good and talk What's what's bumping on it different things those are other languages? In English we have hi hello and all I've got

We have hi hello and all I've got Yeah, that's the big three man the cut the three greetings you learn when you're in kindergarten welcome to kindergarten Hi, hello, and Aloha or fucking holo. What a lo ha what um? Somebody thinks somebody that makes me think what Aloha. What are you guys? Somebody that makes me think what aloha. What are you guys? Was this some kind of dyslexic Spanish language, I'm just kidding guys I'm really messing around. Oh, yeah, I'm sorry. Oh, yeah. I'm sorry to all the Hawaii I'm huge in Hawaii. I'm gonna be the biggest island... island comic.

Island... yeah, the biggest white island comedian. They're gonna fucking... They're gonna make you the next ukulele fat guy. I'm gonna be the biggest Polynesian and Pacific Islander. In the American Samoa I'm going to how the motherfuckers end up so big Is it like well that they're genetically I

Think I think some of the theories were that it's that they're descended from like like inuits and stuff like related to so they're like they have Like genetically they their bodies Was so I put this they like don't lose fat They like don't lose fat They like keep the They basically like pack calories on like easily, you know, I mean like say they also have really high Obesity rates from what I understand like like they don't burn fat as much and they don't like yeah, I mean But I was a really that was a really bad way to try to explain that because I also don't really

Yeah, sometimes it's created more just make shit up it's totally You can just make shit up. It's totally fine. I wasn't even making any shit up. It's not a big deal. It's like a group of people who like fucking historically were like Not on like a fucking tropical paradise island. You know what I mean? They were eating polar bears and Loch Ness monsters every once in a while. So, and now, you know, they, life is awesome for them now. They drink the Zoa, the Dwayne Johnson energy drink,

and they eat seaweed or whatever. Loch Ness Monsters. This is fucking spam. I don't know. whatever Fucking spam I Don't know I was uh I was gonna say something worse I was thinking like how some islands have like crazy venomous animals because There's like not a lot of resources, so yeah, that's where they say they were a reptile or a bug What oh the toxic island? Yeah. Because that's where they send all them toxic ass snakes.

Yeah, and fake friends, they send them to fucking Polynesia or wherever the fuck. Micro-nesia. Yeah. Yeah, there's something really Silly about that you know No, I think I did what was your thing with? appropriating Pacific Islander culture here's the thing I know this is a change of subject

All right, that's fine. There's sure okay, all right All right, that's fine. Just rock with me here. All right. Rock and roll. Yeah, I'm rocking with you. I get it, right? Like, we came and we, like, overthrew everything they had going on so we could, like, sell bananas and stuff. And that's kind of bad. That's kind of bad in some ways, except I love bananas. And they're awesome. Shout out to the guy who hit me up on Twitter Who grows bananas and was like yo, I got bananas like I got hell of bananas you could try anyway

That's a real I was gonna say Yeah, that sucks right it sucks that that happened to you guys okay? That sucks that we did that kind of recently you know what mean? I get it. I get being mad about that but like in terms of The stuff that we did steal right like Hawaiian shirts We were that shit to cook yeah, like that doesn't as a for as a formal piece of clothing that sucks that doesn't make sense as but you know like as a formal you guys should have picked

out something better to be formal because with us we're just dressed better than that so we we your shit is like something when we throw something on the grill and so that's you know we just gotta work on it. Yeah, when we- You know, like the whole coconut as a bra thing, like y'all should have worked on that before we got there. Y'all should have worked on that before we got there. Y'all had TV. Yeah, yeah, that's back.

Right? Y'all had TV. Y'all saw- Thousands of years, yeah. Y'all saw there was normal clothes available. We would have shipped y'all some clothes. Now it's like, oh, you guys are making fun of us cuz we like to we like to dance around in coconut bras and Palm fronds like alright. Well, I would have worked on that You know I would have yeah if I saw people looking you know fly and stuff

I would have gotten myself a little three-piece suit Maybe a little linen three-piece suit or something and I would have gotten myself a little three-piece suit, maybe a little linen three-piece suit or something. And I would, you know. But I don't know, that's kind of all, I kind of just made all that up. But you know, you could imagine if any of that were true, the weight it might have. I would love to go to Hawaii some point, but it turns out that you're not supposed to. It's not woke to go to Hawaii. They don't like it there. They don't. It's

so funny to be on a tropical island and you're fucking miserable. You don't want anybody else to come. You kill yourself on a beautiful beach. You build a sand castle and then you blow your head off in there. In their defense recently, I think like the last three or four years the US Navy poisoned one of their like main Aquifers for their drinking water. They're like, hey, can you guys fix this and the Navy was like, hey, I'm on some other shit like we had it we got to go like oh Damn, I fucking really put I put a lot of diesel fuel and like one of your main drinking water supplies That is crazy Right, so I gotta go over here now and it's kind of been like it was always bad

I guess to go over there and be like a Luca like a leaky. I know you want to lay me not great But definitely way worse to go there Politically morally ethically after the US Navy dumped a bunch of fucking nasty What if I'm gonna go help out drinking awkward clean it up I? Don't think they want our help anymore man, I think that Had no intention. This is purely hypothetical, but uh Yeah, what if I had like a really pure heart and they saw that they liked me? Noble spirit. Yeah, what if I came in I was uh, and I was drinking a much as oh, uh

The That's what he drinks he drinks that every day he drinks his oh, uh, is that what it's called he uh He has some nasty ice tequila. I drinks a Zoa. Is that what it's called? He has some nasty-ass tequila. I bought a bottle of it and it tastes like fucking straight ass cheeks. I don't know what I expected. It's the rocks tequila. I don't know why the fuck I... No, I don't think... I mean, I don't know if he's even human anymore. I think he's mostly fucking bovine. Oh yeah, there's so uh or you know some people like so I like zoa plus to zoa plus is good

You can actually get zoa original For a pretty good deal on uber eats right now because if you spent if you get $40 or more worth of individual cans of zoa you get 40% off so it's yeah 29 a piece Let's divide 40 by 329 Hmm Okay, so if I get it has to be over if I get 13 cans of zoa you have to round up on the Desmo over if I get 13 cans of zoa you have to round up on the decimal then I then I pay 40% less so if I guess I could start buying zoa now and then by the time no well by the time the zoa deal ends I guess it's just an Uber Eats deal.

I could start making some, I could start shrink wrapping them and making some, my own pallets of ZOA. Sell them back to Uber. You could second-hand- Yeah, so, as long as it- yes. And I'll write, this can is for individual sale On each of the cans and some people will know Yeah, I think that I'll be I might as well. Yeah, I don't think I need a job I think I just need to start buying up Zoa now with the money I have

So then around Christmas time start selling the Christmas Zoa Start shipping out Zoa to people all around the country even where they don't have it That would be a good joke did uh If you land in Hawaii say take me to your Zoa Yeah, they would eat that shit up man you should do that you should go to you should go an open mic circuit Yeah, Oh wahoo or the floor once I land the plane and did uh I won't The sand twin tower yeah, they don't well I was gonna ask you about your fucking land in a sand pit, and then the plane is fine

It's like a big playbox Did you uh I Was gonna ask you how your how your trip to the dealership went today. Oh, it went awesome so sometimes you know sometimes uh sometimes you know sometimes uh sometimes in life you know that things happen sometimes you want to be a good boyfriend so you go to take your girlfriend's car to the dealership and not saying what part of town it was in but it wasn't it wasn't not Chinese Okay, and so I Had to back down a one way

to double park The car to get in line to go into the service bay. Mm-hmm Sun rising behind me. And I don't mean that that's not a Chinese reference because once again we don't really know if this was a Chinese area or not. The rising sun. Sure it's a mystery to everybody involved.

We don't know where it was. I think it's Japan too. We don't know where it was. I think it's Japan too. We don't know what happened and I Well, I I did the responsible thing and I And I backed my car into a brand new 2024 top of the line Toyota Rev4 and uh 2024 uh top of the line toyota rav4 and uh ran the fuck out of it and then i cried out to god um wishing for him to kill me and then i got out and was getting some accusatory

looks already from i don't know what the people even look like can't even remember but It's not even pertinent really and then I Keep in mind. I still have to go get the car service. I still have to get the oil change. I have an appointment This is this is right. This is at the dealership I have an appointment with my full name number and the make model and license plate of the car So

Even if I did want to do a hit-and-run I didn't I didn't want to do a hit-and-run because I actually did cause damage If there was a funny moment though because I got out and I went fuck I heard I hit his mirror I just know I hit his mirror and I look and I tapped the mirror but it just folded in and I went thank God and then I looked down in the panel which is crushed like the door panel was but I just looked at the mirror and I went oh thank God the mirrors fine I'm probably good I looked down and my car was just a lot lower. So I was like, ah, well Yeah, and then I had to walk into the dealership and be like Hey, I just I just hit a car. I don't know who's I

Don't know whose car was it was a typical service part of the dealership So nobody gave a fuck about That car you would all part of the dealership so nobody gave a fuck about that car or me so I told a bunch of like telling different people that I'd hit a car and it just like good guy did I would have just bailed well this was a car where if okay imagine it I thought it belonged to the dealership. I thought it might belong to the dealership I wasn't sure Okay, yeah and you know

Also, also just you know common decency or whatever, but imagine you hit a dealership Imagine you're waiting. I waited for like 30 minutes to find out how much it was going to cost to fix it because I didn't want it's not even my insurance policy. It's my girlfriend's insurance policy Which I do not pay any of I just borrow the car pretty much every day Just take it to the gym while she's at work every day And move it around I go get ice cream in it and stuff She just pays for me to run errands with it I Don't even really put gas in very awesome. She puts gas in it

But then whenever it's time for me And she usually takes care of that too anyway, so When it's well but god damn you can crash it for sure you can smash that motherfucker yeah so anyway ended up being fine cuz turned out that it it had belonged to the dealership, but one of the employees had just bought it Okay his car had 8,000 miles on it Yeah, and he was like man, I'm gonna be honest with you if I took this to the body shop section they would really They would truly fuck you so

Call it and I didn't know is his car so I was like you want me to give you wait I have to give you 500 bucks And he was like I mean yeah, just so we don't I was cuz I thought he was speaking on behalf of the dealership at first And I thought this was just a guy telling me to Venmo him 500 bucks And I was like at first it threw me off cuz I was like sure That doesn't I've never worked at a dealership I don't think it's a policy where if you hit one of their cars. Do you just Venmo one of the guys?

Yeah It's a policy where if you hit one of their cars, you just Venmo one of the guys Yeah Yeah, but it was a guy being cool but it was fine and then they told me that the this 2012 Prius with 185,000 miles on it That I should probably have another thirty three hundred dollars worth of maintenance done to it Of course yeah, of course that sounds awesome. I'm gonna do none of that. I'm never gonna do any of that Yeah, of course of course of course that yeah, it was pretty awesome They it was such a good. They were such good mechanics. They did not realize that the entire engine was replaced

Yeah, they were like yeah, it looks like this hasn't been done in over a hundred thousand miles So we're gonna have to take apart the engine and clean it with a toothbrush and then we're gonna have to We have this thing where we all fuck you in the ass one by one We run a training we fuck you in the ass And that's a million dollars It's charge your debit card each thrust 50 bucks where we It's a thing within our community we won't we all last forever What we don't know what community it is or if there's even a community in this part of town sure

But yeah, yeah Basically it's like yeah, we Anyway But yeah, and then it was a yes, but I mean I day other way and then I took a pretty long train ride to go get a Uniform for work and then then the place was randomly closed on Wednesdays so I took the train back and then I went to the gym and had a

Thomas-tastic time honestly turned my day around. That's sick. You that's anything cool happen to you in the last 24 hours by chance Jake I just did stand up with a shout out to Sean Gardini and LaMare Lee and then nobody knows who the fuck I just texted Sean like two hours ago. I was like dude. You should come on next week. He was like yeah, let me talk to Shane Fuck them yeah, yeah And you should know reason like him and them and Nate just like Nate Lamar You should know reason like him and them and Nate just like a little marriage Thank you guys for letting me hop on your show last minute cuz I DMed Gardini fuck you guys by the way no I

We did stand up when they went to we went hung out at Rogan's Club and I got I got to meet who's who Tony Hinchcliffe was there. He was dressed like NBA young boy. He had on really skin tight pants They had a bunch of zippers on him, which was cool Ari Shaffir was there and he had like half dude this motherfucker. I Think he I think he maybe he lost a bet. I forget what he said to me. Half of his face down the middle perfectly bald. No hair on his head, no hair on his face. The other half, hair, big beard, just perfectly symmetrical.

He was like, hey, what's up? And I was like, first of all, I only know you from the TV. And second of all, and he was like, yeah like, yeah skankfest. I was like, okay Yeah, I do have to explain yourself to me here, you know You're a big-timer anyway, um and also a israel out of saunia just walks in the bar and I was hanging out with him for a while. I was telling you about it what I didn't tell you about though

Was this genuinely like Aside from it just him just being a cool guy and it was cool to hang out with him obviously When he came down To the bar I overheard him say to somebody Because he just had an entourage of dudes with him and you know security obviously And I overheard him say to somebody he's a small bar was like oh I thought this was like a private bar and the guy was like, oh no It's just comedians, you know and fighters and you know the door guys and he's like, okay cool

and And so we're just shooting the shit like I said me, you know It was cool. Like it wasn't even really like not even a funny story to just talk to him It was cool. But the one thing that really kind of got me was there was one dude that did come up. I think he Came from the creek. I Recognized him from earlier. I don't remember his name He walks over and we and and Izzy was like talking to us about stand-up He was like, I don't know how you guys do it man

Like you guys gotta be so mentally tough and he was not fucking around he was like being dead serious And I was like, what do you mean like you? You fight like the best guys in the world in front like 50,000 people and like I make jokes about how my penis Stopped working like ten years ago, and he was like no I mean that's easy to fight guys you guys have the whatever We were just going back and forth and then one guy Was like yo dude that drickus fight it just happened and Izzy was clearly like he drinking all they've just hanging out you know and it's like the drickus fight and he was like yeah yeah yeah it was

like talking about he was like dude that guy's like crazy relentless and Izzy was like yeah yeah he's tough guy for sure and I just felt in that moment that like the last thing that he wanted I don't know maybe I could be wrong But I just the vibe that was emanating in the room was like the last thing a guy probably wanted to talk about maybe I could Be wrong was but was that I don't know he was just like dude that guy's really tough, and he was like yeah He's a tough guy It's like I don't know maybe it's my own insecurity I'm not a championship fighter

But if I was hanging out like seeing stand-up and then some guy was like dude that last guy that you fought that you were Winning and then you didn't win at the end. That was it. That was tough Like imagine you bomb Like maybe a really critical point in your stand-up career Maybe you release a special to eat shit and then some guys like dude that thing that you did, you know Or whatever. It was just I was like sitting there. I was like, please don't I guess it doesn't matter He's probably used to it or whatever, but It was like it was very very very funny very bizarre

I was just sitting there like also I was doing the thing that I talk about on here whenever I meet somebody I Was like, oh, I just got he was saying how he got back from LA. I like, oh dude, I was in California too. There's a lot of sand out there I just I was trying not to Thomas. I was really trying to be normal I was like there's this dirt out there and there's got a they got so many different types of lizards Crazy, I was out there doing stand-up and people came to my show For sure they came Just be a bucket. I had no idea what to say. I was just like yeah, whatever Hey, dude, and then uh

He was lucky I was in there with a cool night I would have kicked his fucking ass I would have started a huge fight with him and his cronies Yeah, it was like the way when you see a cop's gun It was like an intrusive thought It was like just steal off on them Just fuck it. Just you know I was obviously I'm not serious, but that you know

It's like when you're on when you're doing 80 on the freeway, and you're like there's something in the back your head It's like hit the median hit the median hit the family next to you Hit the bus with the children hit the 18-wheeler, and you say no. I don't do that I just want to go to my job or I want to go get a beer with my buddies I don't do any of that and you don't do it. There was one in there that was like Punch as real Saturday in the mouth kick his leg and grab him Take his arm put him in an arm bar. Try to double leg his body and But it was like no, I mean you don't first of all

He doesn't need security, but the guy that was standing next to him was the biggest I mean you don't first of all, he doesn't need security but the guy that was standing next to him was the biggest Politician guy I've ever seen in my life or maybe Maori. I'm not sure he was just a big son of a bitch huge Dude kangle hat bald long skinny ponytail, which is just the the hairstyle and build of a guy who Could just pull your spine out of your neck. You know what I I mean you're wearing cabi hat slick polished ball dome and then top of your head is a long ponytail that just dangles out behind the cabi hat it's an incredible look you look dope as a I think you should do something like that

not bigger tough enough man I would look big and tough. I think that look scary You look like a you look like a really to show Thank you just appear I have tenacity. I just keep push Yeah Yeah, they're talking about me like an NFL guy talks about like a black running back He's got relentless animalistic vigor he's really running down the field to get to the child yeah they're fucking Johnny we can't get to him he won't give up we've thrown him in the brink too many times and he just there's something in him. He can't be contained

Yeah, I've thought a lot about if if John wick was a pedophile how How would you stop him you know I mean I Feel like Yeah, good point, you know at Kemper he wasn't a pedophile he just killed ladies and his mom and I think But he said the only reason he got cause because he wanted to he's too smart or whatever I would say that I would say that too. Yeah, if John was it. Yeah, actually, this is my plane all along To do some stupid shit To do some stupid shit. Very good point.

Because I'm a genius and I need this documentary money someday. Very good point. I guess I'm stupid. I never thought of that. Oh yeah, I've been serial. Something exact. It's not because I'm a sexual fucking pervert who loves murder. Sick fuck.

A mentally ill freak. I'm actually a genius. Actually, yeah. It's because I'm so smart I have to kill women. Killing women is one of the dumbest things you can do. They have a pussy. Yeah, of course. And you're killing them?

This is the opposite of what you... That doesn't make any sense at all. That's gay. It's gay. the the the the the the the

the the the the the the Yeah, man. What are you, a homo? You kill your wife really? You don't want to have sex with her anymore? You don't want to have sex with her anymore?

You fucking, yeah, yeah. I remember watching the Mind Thumpher episode. You kill one woman, like, the rest can kind of tell a little bit. You know what I mean? It's like, you give off a weird vibe. Yeah, it taints your soul a little bit Well, I don't know is this a fix your game. Yeah you get

Yeah for sure Yeah, I do it you know what I think that show and true crime in general has kind of Tainted the idea of like the golden age of serial killing tainted it obviously it was already fucked But uh I don't mean golden age like I yearn for it But the term when it was like in its heyday or whatever the fuck All of them are like Ted Bundy the charismatic Manipulator and you know at Kemper that he has IQ of 180 or whatever you know, Ed Kemper, he has an IQ of 180 or whatever, you know, and

fucking Richard Ramirez, you know, I think he was just straight up fucking, he was just like actually like insane. They're all insane, but looking back on some of it, I'm like, I feel like maybe they were smart insofar as like I Don't know like some guys are smart and they go on to build Amazon and some guys are smart and they fucking sell coke It doesn't matter, you know But they definitely lean too much into it for the dramatization with some of them where it's like he was a calculated genius It's like no, I think he just hit girls over the head with a big-ass rock I mean, there's nothing necessarily calculated about that and also you mean to tell me Did it take someone with a genius level intellect to evade LAPD in the 70s? To evade NYPD in

1972 it takes a guy with like 195 IQ. I don't think so pal I'm pretty sure if you had like a lukewarm, like low-grade fever IQ, you could have run routes around NYPD in the 70s. Guys do it now. They just fucking, I mean, they're on their phone playing Candy Crush and shit, but yeah. Anyway, I agree with you, Thomas.

We don't have to give them their flowers. You don't gotta say give them their flowers. You don't gotta say that they had a fuckin' high IQ. They're dumb to be a serial rapist too. They're dumb to be a serial rapist. Yeah. If you go around doing that, women. Very stupid, yeah for sure.

Women are not gonna wanna have sex with you. Women are not gonna wanna have sex with you. For sure, I think that's part of the problem. You know how hard it is to go. Not trying to rub bloody feathers. No, imagine trying to get a date And you're a known serial rapist People see

What do you like to do I love to rape that's women hate that Oh, dude Oh Dude Hey guys, my name is John I'm 6 to I'm in finance blue eyes, you know, I love baseball I love the New York Yankees. I had a rape Yankees and I'm thinking to rape. Dude, I just saw you last night. He goes, I'm on hinge out here. Don't look. Which I don't know. Maybe I was one of those had to be there, but I fucking started cracking up because

I thought he was fucking around and he was like, yeah, people don't think it's me. They think I, they think I'm, they think I'm like a bot. And I was like, do you like respond with like a picture of yourself and he's like yeah, the girls are still like yeah Whatever I was like it was so fucking funny. I was like you get on rare Dude yeah, he was saying that they they rejected his application Which was there was very funny Dana's got a very funny as well Dana what answer to that Dana Dana yeah, yeah, yeah Yeah, that shit. It was I was like how the fuck did you not get into Raya cuz one guy that was there

Was just like a he was a comedian like you know like famous guy And he was like dude. I'm on fucking right out of the fuck are you but whatever dude, um I Wondered to what degree, I was talking about this the other day, do you think that if like Instagram and TikTok were around like back in the day that it maybe could have assuaged or perhaps

like reduce the amount of serial killers and serial weirdos? My point is this, guys like Mikey Miles and stuff they can like Jeremy fragrance, you know that guy they can like post themselves gyrating in their underwear and like playing with their fucking dick and Listening to like, you know, Justin Timberlake and stuff and they get that attention that they crave You know They get that affirmation and and maybe some people like Watch them and follow their every move in the same way that a guy who was like killing folk back in the day would do it you know for attention. Do you think that they would have done less murder or would it probably been about the same.

Like if they could have posted their balls in their butt and like dancing and shit back then. I don't know I mean yeah see what you mean. I think some guys it depends on a lot of factors whether they end up actually doing something really bad I know in the case of some of those guys maybe it's not serial killing but you know maybe they're groper's or something like that. You know what I mean, but um Yeah, yeah, yeah, no Mikey. I guess went swung for the fences that one night, but Somebody made a good point when I was when I brought this up on Twitter where they were like I was I use Mikey is like the example of like he probably would have been putting up bird numbers

Larry birdie back in the day and they were like Mikey's 5 3 1 20 Ted Bundy Richard Ramirez these guys were like 6 foot plus they were like You know they were like big guys or whatever Ed Kemper was a big motherfucker so it's like I wonder if you know Maybe what keeps Mikey from being a serial killer is the fact that he's just not built for it Maybe that's why he spends so much time at Planet Fitness doing fucking weird dumbbell Shit and like yeah

I think if Dwayne Johnson didn't get famous I could see him just being one of the guys if he didn't get addicted the crunches Or like a Dwayne Johnson yeah Did he would be an amazing serial killer dude imagine Dwayne Johnson. Yeah. Dude, he would be an amazing serial killer. Dude, imagine Dwayne Johnson's... One of the best. Yeah, he would be the goat. He would be so good at it. And he would leave behind a can of ZOA.

An empty can of ZOA at every crime scene. As a clue They would call him the the the the zoa killer Would they mm-hmm, I mean I guess they could yeah for sure um Goddamnit, what was I gonna say? I guess it doesn't matter. Oh, I stepped in poop. I stepped in human poop yesterday That's how my day started, but it ended pretty nice. So I guess it was like a like a net neutral day I was walking around and I a sidestepped sleeping man. Mm-hmm And when I sidestepped him, he was splayed out across the sidewalk with his head like hanging off the curb and you know, he'd definitely seen better days and I felt for him and and I went to step over him and to the

left of me was a street sign that had closed off part of the sidewalk so I had to step over him at an angle towards the wall that his legs were kind of resting against and when I stepped over him I stepped directly into a Puddle that was half on the wall and half on the ground of I'm guessing his poop And When you step in dog shit you go, ah, you know what I mean? You're like nah Shit, I gotta go when you step in human shit, you're like nah shit I gotta go when you step in human shit you're like I don't

I can't describe the emotion because I know that what brought that man to that moment and what brought me to that moment are two very different things you know what I'm saying like the circumstances of his life and my life like like his pain and his suffering and so on and so forth are like miles beyond that which I've ever experienced and likely ever will in ten lifetimes. But I also stepped in his poop. So I was like, oh man, you know what I mean, I was like, fuck. I'm sure like in New York, you know, you have to sidestep a couple puddles and a couple piles yourself, but it definitely put a, like right before I went on on I was like doodledoo I was whistling Dixie all the

way to Creek in the cave and I was like sorry buddy I know life has been bad I don't want to step on your head I'm gonna start step over your sleep in body hadn't done your time yet or poop no no I walked into the club like rubbing my foot onto the fucking concrete Curb like outside the club and one of the door guys was like looking at me I was like I stepped in like human shit and he was like don't come in here like that And I was like I didn't plan on it. I didn't say mmm. Yes I'm gonna track fucking human doo-doo in here He like brought me a cup of water and I just kind of like, you know

it only got on like the back part of the shoe, but Yeah, I I Considered it like a good luck omen because yesterday otherwise ended up being pretty sick Maybe I should step in human shit more often. I had a dope ass set. Yeah, maybe you should try to hang out some cool people Yeah, just eat street poop and just see if I could triple my money Just see what happens. Maybe I get on Rogan the next day. Let's see how much poop you can eat without dying Yeah, I'm down I'm very interested in that Give me the straight fucking goop

Give me the straight straight poop on that no pun. Hmm Give me the straight straight poop on that no pun. Hmm It's like there's some dangers of feces Yeah, you can get a so your E. Coli is normal Yeah, but eating somebody else's ain't ain't too good for you really also I think hep C is a big thing if a huge yeah if people get what go ahead People also search for why do I eat my own poop? It's a real common thing more common than you think Cup or copper frayed

Copaphaea or the ingestion of feces considered to be a variant of pica has been associated with medical disorders like seizure disorders cerebral atrophy and tumors and With psychiatric disorders like mental retardation. That's what this is the accord. This is a government website That is the first one. I'm just reading here. I didn't alcoholism the print I Gotta say alcoholism not a very good excuse For eating poop. No. Yeah, it's not good. I've been drunk as shit. I've never eaten my own CD not a great Oh, no, I have to organize my poop before I eat it. Oh No, I have to eat this exact you just have to weigh out my poop before I eat it. Yeah

I've got to count to ten and then spin around in a circle and eat poop. I fucking have a bad day I want a 19 year old male South Indian patient was brought to us by his father for urgent psychiatric consultation. Oh Jesus. Upon assessment, the patient was from a rural setting, educated up to 12th grade in school and was involved in agricultural labor. The feces was, the patient was observed to have been eating his own feces immediately

after defecation inside his living room, catching live spiders, moths, frogs, earthworms, crabs, and eating all of them without any preparation. In addition, he had ingested feces of goat, cow, dog, and the whole of cactus plants. The patient would explain that he was not any ordinary human being but special and hence eating these unusual matters will not affect his health So this guy finished 12th grade and got right to eat and poop and bugs there was no evidence of any mental Subnormality and the birth and developmental history was all within normal limits No family history of any Psychiatric illness was present Awesome

So he so he just like finished doing like algebra 2 and was like time to eat fucking spiders and shit No, they ended up putting in what they ended up putting him on It turned out that he had Schizophrenia so they put him on medicine and he stopped eating poop But they were trying that's pretty good Like take him to specialist because they were like nobody in his family was schizophrenic or anything And he was just like I'm a genius and my power is eating spiders and shit And he was just like, I'm a genius and my power is eating spiders and shit.

And his family was like, hey, things have not been great for us PR wise lately. Please do not be eating poop. You know, please stop this. You know how fucking aggravating it probably is to be an Indian man in this world right now You know all the fucking racist jokes online that suck and then you look at your son He has he's eating a piece of poop like it's spaghetti is twirling around his fork. Am I eating it? You got to be like dude. Can you have any other spiders? You have any other kind of mental illness, please? Please please

You can you be a serial killer? Okay, oh My god, let's see. All right. We're trying to refine some other stories about people eating poop. I know you guys Here's somebody somebody who eats poop because they have BPD I don't know if a BPD baddie eating their own fucking dookie Yeah, it's just like things have been kind of hard lately like rent wise I've been trying to like make money like eating poop And it's like it's just hard to Like I've've been trying to like make money like eating poop and it's like it's just hard to Like I've been just trying to like save

I've been Let's see is eating feces safe Columbia University So coprophagia hold on a a second, coprophagia in humans, although under reported, several studies have found that the frequency of reported coprophagia in humans is about 1 in per 10,000 people. So I've got about 40,000 followers on Twitter, which means that four of you motherfuckers eat your own poop. Which is which is crazy like I I don't want to say that I'm surprised but that

That's four which is like It's more than three Thomas I mean me and you combined in terms of followers listeners You know pendejo our own separate projects our things probably 20 fans eat poop you'd say give or take maybe give or take Depends on the people too, you know, it can be outliers I'd say probably 20 to 30 thousand poop eaters probably just by how our audience Yeah, okay I can get behind that yeah

Dude did you ever see the video of the guy that would like drink his own? Shit he was a Like a jacked old dude that would put it in Tupperware. I need it on a bus cool Yeah, yeah, he was really into it and he would show himself pooping and then and then you'd eat it One of those videos I like guys the worst the guys who would freeze their sperms And they would just I didn't see that I've never guys who it will Jack off into jars And they'll have like gallons of their own sperm frozen and they keep it frozen so they can use it in bulk for giant orgies later.

But what utility does it serve once it's out of the balls? That sucks. I don't give a fuck about You don't like that sex positivity that's no You're storing it for what to thaw it out and pour it on another motherfucker hell no, maybe they put it dildo syringe type thing and they shoot it into a guy's ass or something or Or maybe they you know what I would use ice cube trays so if I wanted to drink just a little bit of come at a time I could just get just get one cube of come and just have that with your

dinner you know a little shot glass of com. Yeah. But you know, you got these people nowadays, they're just drinking away too much com at once. It's... That's fucked up, man. I hate that shit. I think it's cool, Jake. I don't like that at all. I think you normally like it

when I talk about stuff like that. Well, I think what it is is that I... I think that shit sucks And I think people who do that type of stuff shouldn't be allowed to like you know own a home or whatever But I'm also just like not a very like supportive guy So I guess I think I guess I shouldn't yuck no, but I think it's okay, and I think May you know maybe I Think there should be like

government assistant programs for those people to be able to I Think I think the government should give everybody a deep freezer And they can they can like a chest freezer and you can use it for that if you want or you can use it for frozen pizzas and stuff Yeah, it's up to you. It's your freezer. Yeah But yeah, I mean it makes sense cuz nobody it's hard to make that many sperms at once usually you can only make two Or three or something like that Yeah, yeah, yeah, but you gotta imagine got to imagine that the thought consistency of the sperm has got to be slightly

different. Yeah, it's probably not the same. You know like when you let ice cream defrost a little bit too much, like it melts a little bit on the way home from the grocery store, and then when you take it out of the freezer, it's too hard. Yeah, yeah. And then like it melts, it's just not quite the same. I wonder if sperms are like that, you know what I mean?

You melt the sperms. I would imagine that it has more of a. It's creamy, it's hard to even eat it like ice cream anymore. Hmm, yeah. Yeah, I would imagine that you're spot on with that analysis. In Bushwick, the sperm shops are not a big deal. It's honestly, it's hard to tell the difference between regular ice cream and the sperm cones. One of my first clients when I started doing like marketing stuff, get this, you

like this, it was a couple and they had all sorts of like flavors and their like design aesthetic was whatever you're imagining It's probably around what what they wanted they were kind of annoying but nice, you know harmless and they had a They all did like sorts of they had like rose spice, like it was candy for adults was how it was marketed. And one of the flavors they had that was their most popular was breast milk. And they were always like, oh, you know, it's like condensed milk and like sugar and horchata and all these things or whatever.

I remember jokingly asking the guy, I was like, oh, you ever just throw a little bit in there for fun? He was like, mm-mm. And I thought maybe he was just like, I still to this day want to believe that he was joking. But then there's a part of me that's like, well, how would I know? How would anyone know? You know what I mean? Like if he just threw a little bit of breast milk in there for real when he was making them. I wouldn't know. I tried one of them. It tasted pretty good. It tasted like horchata, but like a care for the name. Loli, lolly, whatever, already bad.

File, I understand there's audiophile, there's francophile, there's all the different types of files, but there's one file that we're all familiar with. And it ain't a goddamn MP4, no. It is a destroyer of children. So I think making something called like lolly file was was probably bad and I'll have you know Thomas I don't know if you could tell from this preamble that the company didn't make a lot of money Was kind of a sort of a disaster You know out to jump but uh

Yeah, he was a nice guy his wife was cool, too They both dressed like mermaids a lot which I thought was pretty sick Yep, and that company was made by you I Was not it was made by your mama check didn't it was not made by my mother is made by you and your mom It was made It was me. I wonder if my mom's up too. She probably hanging out at the house. Probably.

I'm gonna call my mom on the show. She would have a heart attack. Oh baby, let me, oh baby when you text my phone, you make me wanna download app. When I download my iPhone. I got a new phone and made me update X the everything app and it fucking pisses me Off because I had Twitter on my phone forever and now it's X the everything app and I can't go back Hmm

Well, oh yeah Sean Strickland, oh I found out what I wanted to read to you. Oh, yeah, I wanted to read you this post I want to read you the Sean Strickland post That made me enjoy And I enjoyed it a lot Sean Strickland I quit sleeping pills and it's been good, but the sleep demons are in full force My girl every night is fighting for her life. I'm either taking advantage of her or I'm killing a man So do I accept the sleep demons or get back on the drugs laughing my ass off you guys have sleep demons We'll talk I punched her a few times in my sleep last month, but I was sleeping so it was more of a tap

She woke up pissed. Why are you touching my face? Well, babe to you that was a tap but to my dream demons. Those are some brutal Yeah, fuck yeah Man, let's see. I got another one. I got another one for you You might not remember the days of magazine stuck together with baby gravy, but there was a point when we all had some model or porn star poster and it was nice. Now you fucking pussies have anime titties on your phone. What the fuck happened to us? Bring back real titties. Man, I love this guy. I'm glad that he's like,

the UFC gave him a career. He'd probably be eating people or something if he wasn't you know like a professional fighter or whatever. What does that mean? What do you think that means? You think he's having dreams about like hurting his wife? Or do you think he's just I don't know. It's Sean Strickland maybe. Maybe maybe neither of them. Yeah, maybe just Yeah, maybe just, uh... You know, I think he probably just has a Trumper syndrome, where basically any time he thinks about equal rights or women actually having a voice in this country, he gets a little bit riled up,

and basically his fragile mind can't handle it. Yeah, he probably thinks about okay, and so I'm gonna strap Sean Strickland down to a table with big leather Straps and hooks in his back, and I'm gonna make him watch okay with a gun in his mouth He probably would he probably would like that type of shit if I had to bet the farm on it, but God damn it I uh I had a I had a this morning, you know, I had a rough day and You were CP and I come on this I come on this podcast man, and it just makes it all makes it all better There you know, no matter how bad a day might get you know you wake up

Maybe you have a bad memory You think about something that makes you sad? just remember you can always call your friend and you guys can Talk about a South Indian guy who eats poop and bugs You can talk about how none of the serial killers were geniuses because they were killing ladies when they should have been buying them hamburgers and stuff instead which is way easier than killing them. Yeah let me kill make it useless forever.

Even if you hate women, it doesn't make sense. Even at the most base level. Yeah, no, for sure, yeah. Even if you're a misogynist, she can't cook for you anymore if you kill her. Yeah, yeah know for sure yeah, even if you're a misogynist yeah cook for you anymore if you kill it Yeah, yeah, yeah, well, that's the problem with that's one of the many wrenches in that philosophy is like Why do you hate them and if you don't have any ones you want to kill people well if you're killing women? That's half of people you can't be friends with Yeah, plus nobody likes a guy that kills women, you know what I mean?

That's not a dude that you want to go watch the big game with. Yeah, what's Todd up to? I don't know, he's been killing women lately, I haven't been talking to him that much. Thinking about reporting to the authorities, but I probably won't, I'll just probably look at my phone instead. You know, and there's, it's funny and there's it's funny there's no there's always there's got to be signs because those guys jack off in the woods to like murder porn for like years yeah yeah oh what you've been up to well I've been jacking off to murder porn I didn't even know that was a thing till I found yeah serial killers You know all the despicable kinds of internet pornography there are I didn't know there's there's probably not murder there is murder porn online

I'm sure I I don't know it's not on the main one on the main ones. You know what I mean, but I Remember I remember there was this guy you remember battlefield I remember I remember there was this guy you remember battlefield The game is like like battlefield one two whatever. Mm-hmm. We would play battlefield at his house his dad was like a doomsday prepper and would sit in the living room and watch fucking like Kenneth Copeland all day and like surrounded by cans of fucking pinto beans and arco waters anyway He was telling me he used to fuck around on B

you know the 4chan board like the random board, I think that the loving term is B-Tard and He we would go over there because his dad would like I don't know he would be captivated his soul fucking locked and locked-in syndrome thinking about the end of the world and Jesus would come back and so he would leave us alone And we'd drink beer and you know smoke weed and play battlefield and then Eventually at some point in the evening. He would be like if you go on B. You can see actual snuff films and I would Sometimes when you're a kid, I don't know if you had this experience. Maybe some of the listeners did I'm sure we're like you have a friend and you go over to his place because like your parents Maybe they checked out and so you can smoke weed over there and you can get fucked up

and I remember thinking to myself like I used to I had a phase where like I Wouldn't say I sought out gore but I frequented a lot of forms where it was posted so I was used to seeing it and My dad watched a lot of the beheading videos. Mm-hmm So I was familiar with it, but I kind of drew the line at that stuff You know what? I mean like the the sex date the other stuff felt Worse to me for my spirit. You know what I mean? Like they're not nothing nothing about gore is good for you But I definitely feel like the snuff stuff is worse if you could

Rank it and things that like kind of corrode your soul and I remember He was like Yeah, some of them aren't real, but you can usually tell which ones are by the way Because sometimes you could say tell him it's acting But if you see the lady sometimes you could tell us when they're really dead and I had one of those moments where I was like I like

drinking bush light at this guy's house and I like Playing video games with my other friends that are here. I think we should hang out at literally anybody else's house. I Think we should hang out at literally anybody else's house. I think we should hang out at anyone else's house. I think we should, we could go probably be in a more morally, spiritually healthier place if we drank beer next to the jail that has all the sex offenders in it. Which is like maybe, you know, it was like a clinic or whatever that was like a mental hospital specifically for those types of guys. But it was one of those kind of realizations you have where you're like

I'm hanging out with a guy who's probably thought about doing some super chill stuff I should probably not hang out with you. You know what I mean? So I feel around Felix Yeah, he's just ripping his ripping his his vape just being a just a nasty I've been speaking of which Speaking of chapel Matt Christman has a new book out it is called. Yes, sir. It is called no partisan If I'm mispronouncing that that is is what it is but you guys can get it on Chappotrap houses website and it's only going to be available for through the

month of October it's like a pre-order thing it'll be they're printing actual books and they're only printing however many are ordered during this time any Proceeds will benefit his family as he recovers from his medical incident Anyway, just wanted to remember to bring that up. They're not paying me to say that If they were paying me to say that Anyway, but they're not but he's a show Chappos helped us out a lot so if you guys could check out the book Matt's very interesting guy it's about the it's about the Spanish War yeah no pas

around the Spanish Civil War. The first through the 31st, ChapoTrapHouse.store, you can grab that book. I was taking a peek at some of the excerpts they sent me and very chock full of the classic Matt Christman wit and intelligence and approach to historical analysis that we all know and love from the man and if you're not familiar and you like history sort of laid out in a way that is kind of not as dry and not as bleh but more a little bit more soulful in it he is a soulful white man, that Matt Christman. It's a great read from what I saw of it. You can catch it just for this month only throughout October at ChoppoTrampHouse.store. You got any shows coming up, Thomas?

Yeah, October 6th will be in Historia on a show that is called all the suspense is killing me it's called bruskies at the heart of gold in Astoria hosted by Abraham Valdez it'll be 8 to 9 30 p.m. October 6th. That's a Sunday Get your tickets. Yes It is called but it's a kissing his butt And I believe it's free Nice I I'll be on

Ben Avery and friends October 10th The Velvee to room in Austin, Texas can snag your tickets at the valve comm if you're a fan of Ben Avery and Friends October 10th The Velveeta Room in Austin, Texas You can snag your tickets at TheVelve.com If you're a fan of Ben Avery and who isn't he's a nice fucking guy, very close friend of mine a very funny man, you can catch me I think Sean Gardini's gonna be on that guy and some special guests yet to be determined

should be a good show That's October 10th at the Valve. Um... Yeah, it's a dope ass Wednesday and every day is a goddamn gift. Let God breathe life into your lungs, wake up, fucking... seize the fucking day.

Alright. Bye. Bye.