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Oh yeah, oh yeah, taking a big bite out of this honky's ass.
Back on Slab Radio.
DJ, DJ, take it to town
We're taking a huge chomp out of every white boy's ass from here all the way to Tuscaloosa
If you're a white boy and you listen to this and you're Tacoma and you're Ranger and you're Wrangler and you're Maverick or you're Dakota You got a single cab
I'm a single dad and I'm ready to get chomping on that big set of white cheeks all the way
Downtown so get that sweaty ass out of those coveralls
Kick off those steel toe boots and spread those cheeks because we're getting to licking. That's right
If your ass don't got a sweat on it Jake don't want it
on it, Jake don't want it. He wants sweaty, he wants that ass to have the pieces
of underwear that come off when you wear the underwear
for the first time.
Then you take a shower and you got pieces of underwear
in the shower.
You always just have weird pieces of blue fabric,
even if the underwear is a completely different color
than blue.
It's just all in the tip of your penis
and all in and around both your butt cheeks.
One time I bought socks and I would take them off
and my feet would be black from them.
And I think those was defective socks.
That's what happens when you get your socks at Ross.
Is you get the socks that make your feet black
Yeah, but you get them for nine dollars for 16 pairs instead of twelve dollars for 16 pairs. I don't really care
If underwear or socks feel good, I'm gonna go out on a limb and I'm gonna say that right now I don't care if they feel good on me
If I can get a pack of 50 for $5
I don't even care if they're made from the most flammable uncomfortable fabric
I'm not paying any more than $10 for underwear or socks. It will not happen. I refuse. Oh
This is made from a poly
polyethylene
Satin in a cradle.
Nope, don't care.
This is made strictly from a sheep's mouth.
Mm.
Oh, feels so good on your emblems.
My emblems are twinkling.
Oh, my emblems and my status.
Come on over here and put your mouth on daddy's status and emblem
There's like a really fat see that wax seal really really fat like
Dead broke but one gold tooth black guy
like
Deadbroke but one gold tooth black guy content creator who gets three likes on every video And it's all three of his ex-baby mamas. Why don't you come down down and get a lick of daddy status and emblem?
Take a look at my
magnitude
the magnitude of my my megalomind is creaming.
Situated.
You know the guys that are trying to get ambitious, trying to be smart, sexy, but they don't know
what words mean.
The capriciousness of daddy's megalonic mind is ready to pounce upon the divine feminine
energy of your times off me to elicute
How drawn to an intelligent woman I am? Yeah
Yeah, you're
Your medulla I'm black God
It's short for this dude
Has got to have sex with you, you know, but.
Your twinkling cavern echoes with the sound of a thousand angels.
And I'm the wandering adventurer inside the legs of a beautiful
goddess of honey and milk when I spread your legs. I only see a letter
From science
It's a lot Whenever I lick that delicious, awesome pussy, it's a love letter to space.
Yes.
And the star, well I'm still looking for it.
Yeah.
But the star, I mean the hole. I can't find it.
It's give, it, it, it, it.
This whole thing is flat and it's next to your butt
and I don't like that.
I don't like it when you have this.
If it, if it, if it would, it would be much easier
if it was all one thing for me.
I wish this was coming out of you in a different shape.
A scientific shape.
Shape of science.
The shape of the inside of my mouth.
Yeah, kind of like a cylinder maybe.
A love letter to my mouth from science.
By Thomas Sexual Esquire. Dear Science.
Sexual lawyer. There's probably not any of those.
Sexual lawyer from from scientific.
Oh, I'm a lawyer. I'm practicing. I'm practicing on that ass.
I'm a practicing lawyer.
I'm practicing throwing the hook at that ass
and watching it jiggle.
Yeah.
Your honor, if I may approach the pussy,
my client has got desires.
He's a deserous creature, if you will.
And your honor, underneath that robe,
I know that you have a perched set of breasts
and a scientific ass.
Yeah.
Your honor.
I'm the horny judge.
Guess where the hammer is. I don't even want to think about that, Ms. Judge.
It's in my mouth.
You got the gavel part in there.
I figured you'd suck on the handle.
I forgot that it was called a gavel.
I knew it wasn't called a hammer.
I knew it was something else.
That's okay, Judge, you're horny.
You can't be thinking about nomenclature.
I'm horny.
I hope the big part breaks off in my mouth
and it's stuck there.
And somebody has to get it out
with something really long and scientific.
Like a science cylinder.
I've got a scientific ass tool for you.
Oh yes.
You ever see a beaker?
Yeah, in science class.
Mm-hmm.
Yeah.
With green, yeah, green in it.
I've got green in mine too, baby.
Oh, is that good?
Green, bubbly, hot.
That's how we're going to deliver it to you, Ms. Judge.
It's just like my favorite chemical, hot acid.
I used to always make that in class
so I could throw it at the students.
I will remember one time in my chemistry class in high school, a teacher warned that a previous
student of hers had touched acid and then touched his eye and then gone blind in that
eye from it.
And you know, I gotta say if I was a chemistry teacher in North Texas, I probably just would not do acid stuff.
Probably, yeah.
But I guess that's how you learn.
I think the days of like cool science experiments
are probably gone, seeing as people don't know
how to read too good anymore and.
I don't know if people where were from wherever very good at it
Probably not. Yeah, I think you know, it's places like
You know
Yeah, it's hard to name a single city and say they're getting worse at reading without a sounding racist I did not know
I'm gonna start because I don't know what literacy rates actually
are.
It's a lie.
I'm going to step into the play.
I'm going to step into the play.
Imagine I say I'm worried about Atlanta's literacy rate,
and it's the highest it's ever been.
Right.
Yeah.
That would be racist.
Right.
We would come across that way.
It would seem that way for sure.
Right.
I did not until I did like UIL for acting or whatever
when I was in high school.
I just thought every high school was falling apart
and then sometimes somebody would get stabbed once a year.
And then we went to Houston Memorial.
And they had a three story Zoey 101-esque fucking food court.
And it was pretty, and I didn't understand
Like I didn't know what property taxes were like in a way that makes the school nice
so I just thought that like I
Just thought everybody that lives in my hometown was stupid and bad which they were because working working and poor people
Very important. I need everyone to say this working and poor people are stupid and bad
We're making a change in this show and I'm letting everybody know right now as of I don't know what the day is.
It's not my problem.
Working and poor people are dumb and bad and they make bad choices and everything that bad that happens to them is because of
those choices. Back to the show.
Yeah, so I just figured, um,
I just figured like all of, I didn't know schools could you I didn't know you could have a nice school
I just thought those were on TV
Like everybody looked nice. Everybody's teeth was good
They were like normal cars in the fucking parking lot and they had like Chick-fil-a and shit in there
Didn't know that was even a thing look. I know people are gonna try and make this into a race thing
But with literal literacy rates rates we have got to do
something about Tulsa
Tulsa's a big city right? Tulsa's decently sized I just saw that so Arkansas is
fucked if none of you've ever been there don't go there and if you're from there
I'm really sorry um they just the Sarah how
can we say actually Tulsa is not a big city it's a big issue I thought I was
pretty big like 400,000 people that's decently sized half a mil damn near I
mean I live St. Marcus is only like 60 50 60,000 yeah but Tulsa is like one of
the biggest parts of Oklahoma that's true Oklahoma City 700,000 people that's a good size
Arkansas is giving a bunch of its money to Israel in the form of investing in government bonds and like people in Arkansas
Like are addicted to getting
14 year olds pregnant they love to do. They literally can't stop doing it.
And it's because the sex education is pretty much like,
yo, it gets stuck, it break off in there like a bee.
You know what I mean?
And it gets real bad.
You don't want to be-
I don't know if that's why.
You don't think that has anything to do with it?
Or?
Yeah.
What do you think?
Maybe they're bored.
True.
Yeah.
Maybe if we had more
like barcades there
Maybe if we gentrified the whole state and turn it into a fucking hamburger store. Yeah, like a like a fucking
They go to show you how little I understand gentrification cuz I just in my mind
I know when my hometown is like getting ginger fried because there are just more burger places
But none of them are just hamburger
we were talking about the other episode where it's like
like I want to go back to Pasadena and they have a smoothie shop and then a burger place called like cheese smackers and
it's got a like a fucking it's got the
Like varsity font and you go in there and there's like a bunch of big screens and you know
They've got anytime you go anywhere, and there's a ghost chili anything ghost pepper anything
That's uh that's what I'm talking about. Yeah, I'm funny with hatched chilies
Every year in Texas yeah, everything's fucking hatch chilies is cuz they grow way too many of them
They don't know what to do with them. Yeah, I'm fucking growing so many hatch chilies and
Actually grow something that people like like honey. Yeah
Yeah, grow more honey. I've been on a honey cake recently. Yeah, I mean too man. I just been
What I'll do is I'll just put a little bit on my fingertip and I'll just put it in my mouth
Yeah, I take it right out of the bottle
Yeah Yeah, I take it right out of the thing. I just suck on the little big sweets guy though. Do you like honey?
I do love honey a lot, but I've been doing it before that. Do you like the
dark or light honey
I
Guess darker light honey. I like dark honey
The honey that I get is amber in color. I don't know is it light
Like standard honey color
It's like a gold
Gold okay. Yeah, so one thing I would like you to try and you know, it doesn't have to be your cup of tea
But if you ever get a chance to try a darker honey, for me, that's my cup of tea.
That's what I really like.
And I had a guy a couple years ago, I worked on a guy's property.
He had bees and he gave us all a jar of honey as a thank you gift.
And it was dark brown and I was like oh nice he gave us a bee shit I
tried it and it's like super like fruity and really yeah it's just aged a little
more oh okay I think I don't know if it's entirely an age thing okay I bet
it's there's some beekeeper listening to this being like that's not true at all
Thomas yeah Thomas probably fucked a bee.
That's how he knows that.
But no, yeah, I like a darker honey.
Yeah.
And there's nothing wrong with the lighter ones.
The lighter ones are delicious too.
But there's something so exotic about a dark honey to me.
I'll take a little bit before I go to the gym.
Nice little, like a glute, gl Nice little glute-glyca accessible.
I don't know how nutrients work,
and I don't know, but I saw something about
a little bit of sugar before we go to the gym is good.
So I've been doing a little bit of that.
Turns out my whole thing about it being aged
is not entirely true.
Certain plants produce darker nectar nectar resulting in darker honey. Mmm, so
There is a type of bee that create that uses meat and it creates a kind of rotting flesh like hive and
It's a fucked up
Nasty-ass creature that I don't care for one of of God's many mistakes. I would like honey that was made by bees who were only given processed candies and desserts
to that way they could run all these cancerous things through their tiny shitty bodies to
produce something even more processed for me.
Yes, yeah, absolutely.
Like get the most processed foods in the world, run them through for one final process.
Yeah.
Like make bees eat margarine and then give that to me.
And you're going to say, Thomas, that is not how bees work. It's not like you can give a bee soda, and then they make ink honey
But
If that were a thing yeah
Or I do yeah, I do remember there being something about like a like the hive was producing like
Holy shit
Some blue honey because there was some like candy runoff quite literally they were like sucking down the blue sugar
Making a blue type honey
Who gives a fuck about that at all who cares about that shit blue honey just looked it up
The mystery of blue honey. This is a story from 15 years ago
The mystery of blue honey, this is a story from 15 years ago
Yeah, you're maybe more of a honey head than I thought
The mystery of the blue honey
Mysterious blue and green honey comes from honey bees feeding off of remnants of M&M candy shells. Yes, sir. That's right Wow
blue honey
Yeah, somebody blue honey
I Haven't even met him
Nice there we go
Imagine meeting a man named honey. I would kind of...
Immediately, I'm questioning things.
Immediately, I'm off.
I think that would be kind of cool
if it's like a big cowboy type guy named Honey.
Yeah, yeah, big son of a bitch, bull rider, PBR type.
Honey Tucker.
Honey, oh yeah, honey Tucker. Yeah
Hey, how's it going? It sounds like a western drag name. Mm-hmm
Hey, how's it going honey Tucker here? Hey, how are you?
I got a little something for you cowboy. It's my ass ass it's I got a I got a little something in my purse for you cowboy it's blue honey it's completely filled with blue honey
no jar I have the bees do it in my purse I have them make the honey in here.
It's a huge mess.
It's so blue.
It's a big complication on my life.
This was an orange purse, now it's blue from blue honey.
And it's sticky.
And whenever I have to go to pull my cord out of my purse, it takes like five minutes.
Because all the honey has to drip off of it before I swipe it
I don't have to have
None of my cards work my cards have tap they only have to swap
Like a honey I have to lick off
But I have to put my whole tab at card in my mouth before I use it. It's so embarrassing
To get the blue honey off.
Anyway, I'm honey Tucker.
I wish I could pay for food with a spoon card
so I could use the same utensil to eat the food and pay for it.
Hi, do you accept bees or spoons as currency?
Do you accept blue honey for money or do you accept spoon money?
I've got little ones. It was just a question.
Oh, my gosh. you're so hostile.
I'm getting so angry.
Do you expect, do you accept spoon bucks?
Or blue honey dimes?
Okay.
Well I guess we'll be dining elsewhere.
I know we just dined here,
but I guess we'll be dining elsewhere.
I guess I'll be leaving and not paying you because you don't accept my money you have to accept
Nectar coins
Do you accept kiss blue kisses
So it says here that the tomahawk steak with the side of the green beans is $42.
I, what I have in my purse is 500 blue kisses and 25 little spoons. I think that'll do it.
Oh, I hope I'm not in trouble. I hope I don't have to kiss the manager with blue kisses
500 times instead of things going any further than that
Just repeating first base a bunch of times to get my way. Mmm, just kissing. Mmm
That was kiss one
That was kids just kiss one. We got 499 to go. That was kiss one. That was kiss one.
I know that you close soon so you might want to hold it up a little open a little longer so I can get my kisses.
Everybody always asks me for my blue honey recipe.
Isn't that funny? Do they think I make it? No, my bees make it.
And they're blue.
That's three.
I love you, Mr.
Manager.
I hope you manage this Logan's roadhouse forever.
Forever and ever.
Is Logan's roadhouse still around?
Yeah, it is.
It's mostly downhill though.
All the big like Texas steakhouse chains like Longhorn Logan's
Are pretty much dog shit I?
Went to a long hard maybe like a year ago, and it was straight
But there was not a goddamn redeeming quality about it, which I don't even know how you fuck a steak up
Like you know I mean like I guess you can fuck up like a filet mignon or something
You don't cook steak, but I don't know how you I don't know how you fuck it up, but yeah, they're butt cheeks
No bueno actually when saltgrass or something now saltgrass. I've never
Saltgrass is fine. I've never been there saltgrass that that was rich people food dude
I did too until I worked next door to one I worked at a Joe's crab shack. I worked next door to saltgrass and
until I worked next door to one I worked at a Joe's crab shack I worked next door to saltgrass and
It's like It's where you take your kids like when you're trying to save the family and you're like a middle-class family
You're trying to save it. You know man. You're like we're gonna start going out
You're telling your wife like we're gonna start going out to nice dinners
As a family and she's putting on a red lipstick. She's not listening to a fucking word. You said dude
She's going jogging with her friend from work
You know he's
The black guy, you know what I mean, then they work together and that's fine. There's nothing wrong with that
But yeah, it's a place you go where you say that you go to save the family. I remember
Like When my parents would argue I remember Like
when my parents would argue
In front of the kids so I guess just me and brother
The next like usually like three to five days later. They would take us they would take us to a restaurant
To smooth things out, but obviously you know
There's not a lot of money to go around so the so the way that they would kind of like we're gonna go out
We're gonna have a family dinner that that we would go to Applebee's, TGA for TGA Fridays,
and there would still be clearly tension among the family.
Because my dad had gone to a titty bar or something
or blew all the money or whatever.
And so we would go and we would just have
like a bunch of appetizers.
My dad would be like, out of school, and dad would be like out of school and I'd be like
I'm you know failing or whatever and he'd be like
TGF right eyes is pretty nice. Huh? It's pretty good
It's a pretty nice place and then you know or it'd be Joe's crab shack and like you know there's like
The the the family unit is crumbling and they're playing the Macarena in the restaurant. You know I mean hey, what's up Hank?
You want to talk to the people?
Anyway You know I mean hey, what's a Hank you want to talk to the people? Anyway
That was one of my one of my most cherished childhood memories is just started fucking chicken ass
He did try to fuck me in my ass one time. I don't know if I ever told you about that
I'm not even fucking kidding did
That's when you got to do it back
bunch of times over the course of a few years
Really teach him who's boss when we first got him dude. He was a puppy he
He would grab a hold of pillows dude, and he would get him with his front paws
And he would squeeze the pillow real tight. He'd look at you need just fucking
He fucked his shit out of it dude, and he's a nasty little fucking bastard. I don't know what his deal was
but one time man, I
You know how when you drop the TV remote and sometimes it just fucking
explodes, the back goes everywhere, the fucking batteries fly out everywhere?
Well that happened to me and it went like in the crevasse in between the bed and the
wall.
And man, I'm not even going to lie to you, I had my shit arched to the heavens because
I was trying to get at an angle where I could get the fucking remote
Without having to move the bed because I've been lazy and this little motherfucker, dude
He gets my fucking love handles with his front paws
And he has his claws like in the inside of my thigh and he starts he gets like three pumps in dude
And I turn around I was like
Fuck it. I like started screwing. He didn't get his dick in my ass, but he you know he tried to and I was like, no! I fucking, I like started screaming. He didn't get his dick in my ass, but he, you know,
he tried to.
And I was like, no!
No!
Oh!
And Ashley comes like running out of the shower,
almost bust her ass.
She's like, what happened?
What happened?
Is that a dog?
Is he okay?
And I was like, this little motherfucker's
trying to fuck me.
And Ashley's like, she's, her hair's still soap. And Ashley's like, her hair's still soapy.
She's like, what are you talking about?
I don't understand.
And I'm like, the dog, I was trying to get the Xbox controller,
and the dog was trying to fuck my ass.
No.
It hangs in the corner doing the play bow thing,
where he's just like, he's got his front two paws on the ground,
and his ass is up in the air.
And he's like, he's a hound, so he he's like he thinks we're fucking playing so he's like
You can't you can't do it to you you shouldn't even do it to other dogs you're fixed we got you fixed
You can't do that and he's like oh and Ashley's like I don't understand
I was like I was trying to get the Xbox controller and I had been over at my ass in the air and he grabbed me by my ass and he started
Rocking back and forth and he fucking I heard him making noises
Because he'll when he'd hump shit when he would hump stuff
He would do this weird like teeth chattering thing cuz he's like a malinois we think there are like half malinois
so he like he'll hump and he'll go like
It's fucking weird he's a fucking he's a rape I don't know dude, he's a fucked up little creature and
And she and I she finally understood what had happened and I was like that
I don't want to do that anymore. So she was like getting your kennel
Like go put him his kennel and he hung out in there for a bit
He didn't he he stopped humping stuff, but yeah, he definitely went for it.
He absolutely went for it.
He saw a little piece of the fucking peach
and he tried to get a snap at it.
Respect, he went for it,
but I can't have him doing that to me.
So we had to put a stop to that.
Oh, also, way off topic, dude,
I was fucking walking the dog, speaking to the dog.
Dude, I found a fucking sound bar lying right in the middle of the goddamn road.
Perfectly in perfect condition. It's just laying in the middle of the street.
Like a three. Yeah, you connect to it? Yeah, dude, it works just fine.
It's awesome. It's like a three. I googled it. It's like a three hundred dollar
soundbar, man. I didn't know. I think it probably over drunk college kids.
Yeah, I know, dude. I like I'm pretty sure cuz it's like move-out week and
People are like stuffing there like single cab trucks and their cars and stuff. Tell me you were helping all the girls you could
Yeah, dude. Yeah. Yeah
Usually tied around this time
What I'll do is I'll call out of work for a couple weeks and I'll say like I'm gonna go visit family and I'll help
All the freshman girls move into their first actual apart first time
Yeah, yeah, but that's tough. Yeah, I'm I'm 19. Let me help you out
Yeah, by the way, I'm 19 let me know 19 by the way, I wish we could both buy beer
Like clearly drunk
We could buy beer.
I guess all we can really do is hang out at your place.
My place sucks.
My place is crazy because I got a roommate.
She's a girl.
We're not dating.
I got two dogs as my roommate.
I got two dogs with my female roommate.
We've been living together like five years.
It's crazy. Oh, oh this ring she's 16 oh this ring yes like what no she yep I'll double
down yep she's 16 she we moved in what man my son call me. I gotta go back to work. I'll see soundbar like a phone. Hey, sorry
Yeah, this ring this is just as my class ring
Yeah, I went to I went to big I went to Diamond High School
So it's you a went to Wedding High School.
Yeah, it was crazy.
I got this for winning state actually in Jacobi's.
Jacobi's wedding.
Anyway, somebody just tried to call my watch.
It's so weird.
I don't even have my watch on.
I know somebody tried to call it.
You are going to do so great at college this year
And I can't wait to see how much you grow physically
In the next year, so you're probably gonna put on like a crazy amount of weight
I think you're really gonna fill out this year, and I'm looking forward to that you probably
Yeah, either here's one one or two things gonna happen you're gonna have crazy fill out You're gonna get super sexy or you're gonna get real fat and that's gonna be just bad for everybody
And that's gonna be okay for me either way
There's two of us by the way, here's my buddy
Good idea for you to give me
in your buddy
Copies of these apartment keys cuz it's so easy to lose them nowadays. Yeah, we keep good track of run rule We will not lose them I'm gonna go ahead and put this on the screen. I'm gonna put this on the screen. I'm gonna put this on the screen.
I'm gonna put this on the screen.
I'm gonna put this on the screen.
I'm gonna put this on the screen.
I'm gonna put this on the screen.
I'm gonna put this on the screen.
I'm gonna put this on the screen.
I'm gonna put this on the screen.
I'm gonna put this on the screen.
I'm gonna put this on the screen.
I'm gonna put this on the screen. are you gonna? Do on that later?
Is this your dad? You mind if I introduce myself?
Hey, I'm the pussy fucker
Hey, I'm 19. My name is Josh
Yeah, my name is Josh. They call me the pussy fucker in liquor, right sir?
Oh yeah, you know your, yeah
First year in the apartment, you know your daughter's probably
Yeah, you know your but yeah
First first year in the apartment. You know your daughter's probably I don't know what she's doing in there
Yeah
price
Probably I don't even who knows man
Visibly hard I
Don't even like dude. She's probably wait. Can you buy me my friend's beer? I'm 19
Can you buy me my my friend is a year old a guy who's five years older than?
Yeah, he's like 40 my friend's beer were little
It's like being a big kid
Yeah, sir, what's what's she studying? Communication? Yeah she's probably
gonna take a lot of crazy ass stinky back shots back here and kill herself later. Yeah. Is she on solid foods? Yeah.
I like winking when you say it.
She on solid foods.
She drinking a lot of water.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Oh, she's trying to make a girl who's in college
feel young for some reason.
Oh, I didn't know they let six-year-olds go to college
here.
Feel young for some reason I didn't know they let six-year-olds go to college here
Like 19 prime of your life, whatever well you looking great didn't know they let 12 year olds go
Wow that's crazy
What do you have a diaper on no man pussy fuck and liquor. Are you doing that into your fucking diaper? I'm kidding.
You're a grown up and that's so important.
Welcome to Texas State. This is a great university and a great place to meet your friends.
I'll be leading you guys to your on-campus apartments. My name is Joship.
They also call me the pussy fucker and liquor.
I give crazy ass stinky back shots and how many people want to kill themselves?
Haha, just kidding. I'm majoring in philosophy. This is my sixth year here and I'm 19. I'm
kind of a genius and I'm also pretty much a lover and a crazy ass motherfucker and I
eat butt cheeks. Ain't that right? Tolick. Yeah, that's right, Josh. And it's me, Tolick. And I am so happy to be not actually
enrolled in any classes this semester,
because I was tired of that shit.
Can I get a hot love?
Woo!
Woo!
I was taking art classes for six years, undecided major,
finally free from the shackles.
Yeah.
I'm 19.
I can read really good I
and I'm kind of looking into the frat life but also open to being more of a
poetry type guy or a cool band guy maybe whatever type of guy you girls are okay
with yeah I see a lot of fellas in the audience. What we're gonna do with you
guys, I know that you guys are ready to move in, but you're gonna be on a
completely different time schedule because me and Tolik, we only help out
the girls. We try to make them feel welcome. So if you're a guy and you're
ready to move into your apartment, what I'm gonna need you to do is get in your
car and go back home. Come back next weekend when you've got two
Different people that are not me and tolick ain't that right so what we're gonna. Do is if you live in
Woodridge Acres you're gonna want to you're gonna want to go with tolick
Folks can get you into that first apartment
He's gonna show you all the crazy ass secret spots where you can fucking play with that thing and get those things out and get
them fucking
Soapy and if you live in acre
Towns on the other side of town you're gonna come with me and we're gonna ride in my truck that has 50 seats
And it's black and it's got swords on it. Oh hell. Yeah, I call it the big monster that sucks
Yeah
And I'm gonna be teaching massage classes at the shower university
Shower university is the sister school at Texas State University here in San Marcos
Yeah
Basically, we're teaching you how to get wet and get clean and get soapy and smell awesome and then get dry after dry after
Yeah And get soapy and smell awesome and then get dry after dry after
Moisturize wait moisturizer. That's the thing people bite. Yeah, I use the moisturizer No, I do I don't take care of my skin.
I do.
That's why my spine is fused together.
Honestly, man, I never really had like a skincare thing until I like started until I moved in
with with Ashley.
I don't really do it all the time, I do do it sometimes. It's nice like it's nice to have like a I guess this a routine as a part of bathing
I do have a routines where I wake up and I brush my teeth and I go to work
the real man
I
Didn't brush my I get sick a lot
I didn't brush my teeth for like two months one summer and I was just like spitting blood everywhere all the time
But uh I
Never I never went a long stretch without doing it. I just got less consistent with doing it twice a day
I was once a dang it for sure a lot for what I was doing it every morning, and then every night. I was once a dang it for sure a lot for a while. I was doing it every morning and then every night I was,
under a combination of influences
that were not super conducive to me feeling motivated
to take a break.
100%, yeah, same.
The evening hours.
But I'd wake up and I'd go,
God, I'm a fucking disgusting man. of brush my teeth and become a good person again
Yeah, you don't like take five sticks and drink like a fifth of Jack and go, you know what?
I'm gonna do brush my teeth
like usually what you do is you're like I'm gonna go get in fight with a guy that I've known for ten years and
Then almost get arrested. That's what I'm gonna do. Yeah, that sounds good
Our then almost get arrested. That's what I'm going to do. Sounds good. I remember when I actually went to my orientation for school,
for the university, there was a guy who, I think,
was a junior.
You could get the job pretty easy,
and it paid at least at the time in like 2000.
When did I go to college 2000 my freshman year 2012 it paid pretty good and there was a dude
that was a junior that was like I remember we were all like he was like
giving us a tour and like showing us where the dorms are he's like yo and then
sometimes we'll come back here and we'll drink crazy amounts of beer and we'll
smoke cigarettes and we'll fucking party up and have a good-ass time
And he was like very clearly like you know 22 23
Probably in school like five or six years and we were all like yo crazy
And at the end he was handing out the pamphlets of like the maps or whatever and he was just like handing them out to the girls
He was like there's a really cool spot. It's called like the we call it the view which like it was just a nice it had a nice view of the
city it's cool it's called the view we call it the view go over there we smoke
crazy blunt sometimes y'all should go up there and they're like huh okay cool
sounds good and I had a thought in my mind where I was like it it must be nice to not have anything in your brain that
tells you not to do stuff like that.
You know what I mean?
To not have anything in your brain that says stop.
Actually, it's probably really good that people have that.
But I guess what I'm saying is that it seems liberating.
It seems like those guys have cool-ass lives.
You know what I mean? nothing in your head says hey
Don't hit on this 18 year old girl in front of her whole family. Don't do that. You know what I mean?
I guess shoot or shoot or whatever the fuck but
It definitely seemed like he was striking out the plate
Now he works for Charles Schwab
So it seems like that would be a guy who as soon as he ends up alone he goes, oh my god.
This isn't supposed to happen. Oh my god, I just realized who I am. Yeah. Oh fuck.
You ever kind of do that like you hang out with people for too much, and then you are alone, and you're like oh
I
That's my whole life man like really and truly like I
like I
Didn't know what the feeling was I didn't have the understanding of myself for like
emotional regulation to note that was when I was a teenager. But like as I got older, obviously like I realized like
all the like extroverted kind of like stupid
kind of loud shit that I do is like
the moment that I'm by myself, it's like
ah, ah, ah, like the inside, you know, it's just,
I'm like, I don't know what this is.
I'm not, I'm never, I'm not good at this.
This is really bad.
And so the
way I get over that is I look at my phone for seven hours. I've been trying to do the
thing to like, to answer your question, but I've been trying to do the thing of like,
just be alone with your thoughts. And it sounds crazy because you're like, Oh, you're a grown
man and you're just trying to sit alone, like in your head like a nice job dumbass, but it is something
I feel like I'm not gonna speak for everybody like project my own shit. I don't do it like ever
It's not something that I like I'm either reading or on my phone or I'm writing, but I don't ever just sit
You know what I mean, and so like it is crazy difficult. It's like crazy hard
It's not something that I like intuitively like good at even though it seems
Like it should go without saying it's not easy to do while not giving yourself the out of looking at your phone
Yeah, it's easy to do for like a little bit, and then you go okay time to break this yeah
But to go no. I'm not gonna break this yet. I'm gonna keep
pushing through yeah, that's
For me, that's the hard part is not taking the easy outs
Yes, and also knowing just when you're done
Uh-huh, you know, I've been trying to do the thing where I like I run it
That is totally within the realm of possibility
That's completely like because I like, because I think it sounds shitty.
You just watch a guy at the park,
he's sitting with his thoughts, and then he just awkwardly
just jacks off into his own mouth.
Starts playing with it.
Oh, shit.
Oh, not again.
Fuck.
Maybe that's why homeless guys are doing that.
They sit there in silence for a little bit,
and they go, oh go oh shit I am homeless
jack off on the subway oh my god better come fast I think about it I think about
like my like my loan my alone thought process it's like you go to the gym you
come home I'll stretch like I've been trying to sing where I like shadow box
and I'll write you know I sit with it for a bit and then eventually some days. I'm like I think I'm gonna fucking I think I'm gonna pull on it
I think I am gonna. I think I'm gonna crack one I
Would imagine a homeless guy has the same
Not the same exact a homeless guy every time he remembers. He's like full-blown homeless. Yeah
He goes he gets you know he get lunch or whatever he's
standing he did my god that's good we're tuning out he go fuck hey just
remembered him homeless shit well I better throw the rest of this burger
way and jack off into my own mouth one of my buddies uh I see he lived in his I Don't know what buddies I
He lived in his car for like two years in Austin and I remember I asked him a question
I was like, I think how did you how'd you?
How'd you jack off? He got really excited that way. He get excited. That's the question. He was like, oh dude
Like he was like, oh you just go to a Walmart parking lot and you park kind of where the big trucks are and you just
Jack off and I was like why Walmart? He's like cuz no one goes back there, man Oh, you just go to a Walmart parking lot and you park kind of where the big trucks are and you just jack off
And I was like why Walmart he's like cuz no one goes back there man
He's like find one of the ones that's not 24 hours
And you just parked a car and then you get the back seat you jack off
It's much easier to do in the back seat and I was like oh
He had very clearly thought about this and had come to an immediate conclusion, and he gave me an immediate answer you know I mean
So I guess I would probably take his word for it if I was ever in that situation
Cuz like I'm not a guy that needs to jack off by any means
It's never been something that I'm like if I know like sometimes you'll talk to a guy and he'll make it seem
He's like you ever met one of those dudes like oh, you know if I don't come I get crazy one of those guys
you know I don't know what that means it never really made sense to me, but
Yeah, I've had a jack off probably just I probably just go to the bottom of a well
There's a couple wells out in the woods and sin markets. I probably just go down into one of those
There was from the old frontier days you go down there, and you jack off, and you take the rope up
Most you have the awesomest piece in the world you just cut a hole in a random wall and just put your penis through
And immediately everybody flocks to it. No matter what the building is you do that at the bank?
Had a hole and you put your penis in the safe and some guy who's just in there
Put your penis in the safe and some guy who's just in there's
Looks amazing. It's penis looks delectable. Let me get a suck at that little ass dick
Yeah, I uh I
I was telling you about this. I've been having like a moral thing
Yeah, this is a somewhat funny story, but I do I am open to you giving an honest friend answer
So as you know I'm trying to sell the van. I was texting you about this lady that like
She has a she's a single mom and
she's got a kid, you know and she lives with a kid and
She messaged me and she wants to buy the van so she can live permanent van life with her son, like not have a house and live out of the van.
The van has a projector that I put in there,
and a projector screen, and a bed,
and it's got lights and stuff.
But it doesn't have AC where the bed is.
It's only got AC in the cabin, in the cargo area
where I put the bed and put the lights and everything
and built the whole thing.
Doesn't have air conditioning.
We'll know that.
She's insisting.
I told her all this stuff.
She said, is it possible for my son to sit in the front seat?
He's a baby.
And I said, no, there's no airbags in the passenger
or side door on the count of it being an old car.
Plus, for you, the steering wheel is out of an old Camaro.
There's no airbags.
And she said, that's OK.
Do you know the legal, like the legality of having my son?
If I were to bolt a baby seat in the back where the bed is,
can I do that? And I said,
I don't think you can do that. She said, I asked ChatGPT and ChatGPT said it's fine.
I didn't really press her on that. I wanted to say, do not trust ChatGPT with the life of your
son or like legally speaking, because I think what you want to do lady is I think you want to lose custody of your kid
I don't think you want to do that
But it seems like you are very interested in figuring out if you if that is a possible future down the road
So she keeps pressing and pressing and I said look the AC I re I completely like I got a new blower motor a new switch
Relay I got a new
Fan and all this stuff works fine
But it gets really hot in the back
where your son would be in the summer
on account of there not being any AC
because the van used to carry Coca-Cola.
It's not designed for people.
It is now, insofar as there's a bit back there,
but there's no AC.
She was like, that's fine, I'll put a fan back there.
In Texas, when it's 110 degrees, you can have a fan on you and you're
just blowing hot air on yourself. I've asked a couple people about this. We went back and
forth and I eventually ghosted her, but she keeps messaging me saying, I want to come
look at the van. I don't know why you're not responding. Like I have cash. I don't want
to sell, I want to sell the van. Like I want to be done with it. I need the money really bad
I don't want to sell that van
To that lady with that baby
I would feel like morally bad if I did that all the other shit I set aside it also as everybody knows who's been following the jake van saga
It's a huge hunk of shit
That runs for like two months and then something critical and it fails and I have to drop like two grand, I have to drop like an entire paycheck on it to get it fixed
and it takes like a month. So I'm like, I've asked people in there, like, you know, I have
some of my friends who are like, fuck it. Was she a single mom? Her life's fucked anyway.
I'm just kidding. Nobody said that. I don't know. Nobody said that. But they're like,
yeah, fuck it, man. She wants to sell it to her. She got the cash and other people are like do not sell that van to that lady
you will you probably ruin that lady's life and
So obviously I don't want to sell the van to her
But you're a reasonable guy and your friend of mine. So I was like, oh, you know, what do you think or whatever the fuck?
I would sell a van to Adolf Hitler
Okay, okay, It's no big deal. Whatever she does with it. Ultimately,
somebody sold Ted Bundy that van. Yeah, that's true. Yeah. You know, um, I mean, if she's
willing to take a good price for it, you could scalp the shit out of this lady. It sounds
like she sounds stupid. Yeah. She's not very bright She was saying that you say hey throw another 500 bucks in there. I'll leave the carpet in
She doesn't need to know yeah
Yeah, I don't know I mean
Have you tried talking to the baby at all?
No, I didn't I thought about maybe asking what the baby thought but he seems like he's really into like buzz Is it like a newborn baby? It's like two
Okay, not even
Borderline toddler. Yeah, you know, yeah, I mean
Cuz it's the worst that could happen what the baby dies and the mom kills herself
Blames you
It's like a social media campaign about it quickly traced back to you and I'm part of that campaign
What's the worst it could happen it ruins both of our lives and careers
And I'm saying I'm leading the campaign against you. Oh, oh, yeah. Yeah, I tried to tell him don't sell the van to her and he said I don't
give a shit I would sell the van to Adolf Hitler are you serious?
taking out a context it's so weird why would he need to buy a van from a guy
who's white trash? I don't know
Say I don't know
Yeah, I
Don't fucking know I like
Cuz I just like cuz everybody else is bailed, you know, I got a couple people come look at it I test drove it with a guy
But there's also part of me is thinking is like dude if you've got ten grand which is what I'm selling it for
Like if you've got ten grand
Go get a car that your kid can be in.
If you want to do van life, to me,
that's not something you do when you have a two-year-old baby.
That's something you do when you're like Like you want to go?
Like have a bunch of sex with people who do the Appalachian Trail And you want to die mysteriously in like a desert or sort of wooded area
It's not something you do when you got a two-year-old kid and the dad's not in the picture
So you know what I mean like what does he think about this? No you get to step in
I mean like what does he think about this no you get to step in a
Messenger you can have the van, but I do want to be the stepdad
Have a weird Elon Musk thing going up stepkids
Won't have as many as I want to
Support as many kids as possible, but none of my own
On have as many financial obligations to children as possible, but none of them are my own seed
Yeah, anyway, yeah, I don't know probably not gonna sell it to her one guy
Said he messed me and he was like I'm going through a really hard time right now. Would you accept a payment plan?
I don't but I don't make a lot of money, so it would have to be over a long period of time Let me read I read to the message
This one actually made me laugh really hard
I thought it was a joke and then I went to his profile and looks like he is not having a good time
So I will not say this man's name
but
Hi, is this still available? I'm currently living in my car
Money is very tight. I'm trying to upgrade
Would love to have a place to sleep and hook up my PlayStation 5 to play it
Are you interested in a kind of payment plan?
I don't have a lot right now, and I'm not working very many hours
But I can do bi-weekly if that works or maybe even monthly. Please let me know
Which like
Right
Right
Nothing no even no numbers I
Just give him something that I put a lot of money into and he gives me a hundred dollars a month every month for like 50 years sounds like an insane deal for me. Hey, I guess shoot or shoot, you know, I mean, but uh
Close mouths don't get fit and all that
But
It's beautiful. Yeah, I think we're I think we are at a place in time where people are in such diet or financial straits
That maybe they're just like fuck it
Fuck it. Let's get this piece of shit. I mean, that's what I was that's where I was
Things are I've been the other day I went on Nissan's website and I designed a versa
very nice that's like the lowest one yeah it's like one of the cheapest cars
you can get that's good the Mitsubishi Mirage is maybe the cheapest base model
you can get in America right now.
Yeah.
It starts at like 17.
That's pretty damn good. That is pretty good.
It has like 12 inch wheels.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
It has the smallest tires of any vehicle I have seen.
Like any Ameri- I mean, it looks so Japanese.
Yeah, yeah. It looks like shit. It's not a good- no, yeah. It looks so Japanese. Yeah, yeah. It's a...
It looks like shit.
It's not a good, no.
It looks like a drawing of a car.
But I do respect it.
Yeah, it's just utility. It's A to B.
You know, it's...
Well, the ones that I've been looking at are those slate trucks.
I'm not really one to give Bezos his flowers or any money, but they look kind of cool.
They look kind of cool, but that price is after the $7,500 tax refund thing.
Oh, that 20 grand or whatever, really?
Yeah, it'd be like 27.5.
And then they give you the rebate at the end of the year?
Yeah, the government gives you that back. I believe
Next tax year, but in all EVs it'll say that it'll be like this is the price when you subtract the
$7,500 EV tax credit and it's like
I get that I guess but
Yeah, I don't I don't think
That I don't understand Because I don't know what a tax credit is
But I guess I get the general idea I think it would be like and
Correct me if I wrong, but I think it would be like when you do your taxes the next year
You had mentioned that you'd bought an EV or whatever
Yeah, and you put the details in for that and then with your tax refund you'd get an extra 7500 back
Interesting like you would get that money in a you know
interesting
Probably non-taxed I owe the IRS like a lot of money like a lot of dollars How you give back you buy a bunch of Rivians for 110 grand?
get it back you buy a bunch of Rivians for 110 grand mm-hmm I'm flipping these Rivians like a motherfucking Riverstone as soon as the
Rivian trucks came out I saw people trying to flip them on marketplace like
they'll buy them for like 90 for like 95 or whatever try to sell them for like a hundred and two. Seven thousand dollar profit.
You suck so bad.
You suck so bad.
I have seen a couple because apparently it's illegal.
You're not supposed to.
People still do it.
But I've seen people do that with cyber trucks like I'll see like like wink, wink, nudge, nudge, like Facebook marketplace.
Like if like it'll literally be a pictures of a cyber truck
It'll say something like cyber truck photo shoot, but in the bio. It's like if you know you know
145 K or whatever and it's like
Dude you're fucking so dumb like
Actually, you know what for the cyber truck. Maybe there are people that will buy like you know
Secondhand ones or whatever the fuck I don't fucking yeah like they want them already wrapped maybe like yeah
We were too stupid to do anything
Like when it already has like something on the steering wheel yes, I
Don't know what a WAP is or how to put one on but I would think that maybe if I pay
50,000 would like a green cyber talk what would it be? 250,000 dollars? Perfect.
There's one that's decked out and just says like it's just Trump stuff.
There's another one that's got the Mexican colors on it which is cool and and then there's one that the rap is like you
know how like people sell those old patina like Fords yeah it's a patina
wrap on a cyber truck so it's got like rust and dent like smack marks and shit
and like toemator yes but it's's a cyberjacks fucking horrendously ugly
If you if you own one of those I don't think that you're human
and if you were to die
Badly
It would probably would be like to me if somebody told me that they're really old cat died
I would feel a little twinge of pain in my heart, but it wouldn't fuck my day up.
So just letting you know if you own one of those,
that I don't respect you.
But that's OK.
It's fine.
Yeah.
I was really annoyed the other day, because I saw one.
And I could book y'all not alone.
Dancing paradise.
We don't talk about it.
And it had a huge white booty painted on the back.
Oh, spread?
Yeah.
And I followed that truck around for hours.
Ended up going to Altoona.
Altoona
My brother was telling me that
His his co-worker at the meat factory that collects swords got fired
There's nothing I see guys it no is a different Nazi. There's a the Nazi guy that he was living with
so they have like
Yeah, yeah, so the place where he lives did together. Yeah, they were sharing like they weren't sharing a room, but
so the place where he lives, it's like a year there for months and then whatever but uh
So my brother was like he's like yeah, I'm getting out of here and now
But I was like, oh, what are you gonna do? He's like, well, I got to my old lady.
I'm gonna get back up with her.
She's still smoking that PCP, so I'm trying to get her off.
My brother was like, you are gonna go meet up
with your ex who's smoking PCP?
He's like, yeah, she's stuck up at the Best Western
over there in Seguin.
I'm gonna go see if I can get her off the sherm.
But he's like, you're just gonna smoke PCP? and he's like, I mean, you know it can happen
This is like just leaving the place where they're at to being like I'm just gonna go, you know
Get me a piece pussy and see what happens. So it's respect
You know a man's got his priorities in order and all that's gonna be nice having a jail type wife
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yes lady who's always getting in fights the grocery store, and you have to get her out of jail
Mm-hmm they give her clothes back, and she's got like a
white wife beater and like
tan plaid shorts
Go really far down
She's wearing like the type of
flip-flops that only dads where
Yeah, I was thinking like I was thinking and ones with no laces and the tongues all out and fucked up
You know, I mean, yeah
the type of lady that when the
16 year old kid at water burger gets your order wrong She's like grabbing at him from across the she's just reaching over the counter. You know you I told you no pickles
And now he's got pickles on he said none
What did you think I said take it to the pickle factory and give us a grand tour
Every pickle in the whole world on my burger. I think you forgot to add one of the pickles in the fucking world
Man people don't want to admit it dude, but that's what the trad wife is the trad wife is not like a smooth skinned
fucking like fucking big yams
kind of slightly hanging out of a blue
flowery dress and her hair's like soft and properly maintained and she's just
like kind of sexually needing bread while you wake up to go on the computer
that's not what a trad wife is a trad wife is a yeah she's got a black
Tasmanian devil shirt that she cut into a wife beater, plaid shorts
that go really low and then and ones with no laces and the tongue is all
blown out and she gets into one punch KO victories for you but it's because
somebody put too much they put every pickle in the world on your cheeseburger
that's what a trad wife is she comes home and she does suck your dick every night,
but it hurts.
It's a violent desperation to the whole thing.
And she beats the fucking brakes off you
every goddamn night.
But she never leaves you and she listens.
She listens to you. You say, baby, go to the store and she listens. She listens to you.
You say, baby, go to the store and rob it.
She says, yes, sir.
Said, baby, go get all the catalytic converters
off all the cameras in the whole neighborhood.
Yes, honey.
Baby, kill that dog.
Yes, dear.
That's Clifford.
The big red one, you you gotta get him. Yeah
I'll use probably just a regular gun
Not my dog gun oh
I gotta use my mortar. I gotta shoot 40 mils at this goddamn big red animal. Yes 7-6 twos I
Gotta shoot this dog with NATO rounds on the count. He's big and red and this is the way that she goes
It's late. So I think you know what?
We're gonna go ahead and say
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