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Take take two what's up, dude? How's it going man? Hello, Jake?
This is a higher energy higher energy one. This is where we're bursting at the seams
We have never been tired
No, yeah, no, it's not not really anything. I don't really fatigue
You know I'm just kind of a fucking well-oiled machine. I'm always ready to do shit. Do shit. I'm always ready to fucking
Ready to fucking pod ready to fucking podcast ready to god cast well
It's a dangerous time to be tired is a dangerous time to be anything
Jake in this political landscape that we're living in nowadays
Where these damn retrumplicans
are starting to come into power.
And I for one, shaking in my boots at all the different,
you know how everybody knows
what all the secretaries do, right?
It's just pretty, whenever I see one of the secretaries
is gonna be a certain guy, I go, oh man, I'm either glad or unhappy
about that decision.
You got secretary of defense Arthur, Arthur racism.
You got secretary of energy, Billy electrics.
You got secretary of education.
Smarty smart guy.
You got secretary of transportation, Mr. vroom vroom you know
what I mean you've got secretary of fucking prisons oops you know there's a
lot of people to remember and a guy like you a busy guy like you I completely
understand why you you would feel not confident uncertain about who's who and
the what's what but don't worry about it, man. I got you.
Oh, you do?
There's one thing you can, yeah,
if there's one thing that you can trust
is for me to give you accurate information
that either A, isn't completely made up,
B, partially true, and then C, a mixture of both,
and then mixed in with what I believe
to be true about the world.
Yeah.
So I don't know if you, I don't know if you,
if you know all of the secretaries and all of Trump's appointments, but
You know if you want to I can tell I just gave you like five. Yeah, I'm very impressive for already
Yeah, I mean to honestly their secretary. What did I say secretary of defense?
Arthur racism secretary of education smarty guy
He's French. He's French.
He's French American.
I like that French American. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
There's secretary of transportation, Mr. Vroom.
And then there's secretary of prisons. Oops.
And I just his nickname.
And there was another one. Second. Fuck.
I got four for you.
And I could probably look up the rest
But it you know that's what you need to make sure you understand about this new regime
We're entering is these yeah names and and they have addresses and we got to start building the frickin guillotine to get on
Yeah, and because I'm about
Sorry go ahead. I didn't want to just I'm just saying I'm about sick of these fucking nerds
Yeah, and there's so many nepo babies in the in the government. Did you hear about this?
There's all these nepo babies in fact just the other day. I found out the Secretary of Transylvania is
Dracula's niece
Yeah, that's not even funny to me because that just speaks
like the common man can't work his way up and be a vampire he's fucked he can
be a thrall perhaps an acolyte even but he'll never be the way that the system
has set up a full-blown vampire you know or you know at the very least an
emissary of one, you know? Yeah.
I don't think I could become a vampire because I would never let another guy bite my neck.
I would recoil in a way that would not allow it to happen.
Oh, you would never like get blooded by one the traditional way.
Yeah, you could bite my hand or something. Probably you can't buy my neck.
You're not going to you can't creep up behind me
and bite my neck.
There's just no way to approach me in a way
that I won't react to that.
This is the guy in the journalists
in the Dracula's castle or whatever.
Dracula like sneaks up on you.
Hey, I don't play none of that
He's like, you know getting him drunk whining and dying in him and you know, I don't
Brother you can't can't be getting that close to me pal. There's really no way to get victimized by Dracula is a man. That's like
You know one of your friends could watch a video of it and be like, oh no, it's like there's nothing he could have done
You know know I mean yeah I mean like in the traditional I think folklore sense you just have to like invite them in your house but if we're going Bram
Stoker yeah I don't dude if you approach my neck with your teeth out I'm gonna
put you in a triangle choke simple as that like you're getting on Bart you
know what I mean you're getting fucking yeah I'm gonna throw like three really
sloppy punches at you and then I'm gonna gas out
But imagine if he had a big booty victim
If he bit the neck of a man with just a rather yeah
I had a big booty and he tried to run up behind him and he ran into his butt before he could get to his neck
Smart Intelligent.
He got forced pushed away by a big booty.
And you can't bite a booty if you're a vampire.
It's going to taste like crap.
That's true. Yeah.
Yeah. So you're going to you.
How do you get to the neck?
You could approach it from the side.
But what if you can see it from the front?
Then you're in a little other heap of trouble.
You know what I mean?
You have to bite deeper if they have a big fat neck?
I would imagine it's just the vampire blood or venom, whatever, getting into the...
So I think if you just get a little bit of a... in there, I think it's fine.
But you raise a good question.
What if you got a big muscular neck?
Or if it's just fat?
Yeah. What if you're a heroin addict in your veins or collapse? What if there's a big booty vampire?
Okay, now we're talking you've you bit the
Front of your neck while he was in front of you
Missionary I don't know how it could happen. I
Mean I think yeah, I was fucking sorry wrapped his legs around my waist
Bit the front of my neck you
You said like Van Helsing showing up to all the monster hunters. He's like guys. I got
Guys, I got bit so I'm gonna need you
I'm just I just wanted to be honest with you guys his monster hunter. He's like, guys, I got guys, I got bits. I'm going to need you. I'm just I just wanted to be honest with you guys.
This monster hunter boys are like, it's on the front of your neck.
On your windpipe.
It's like, is that a hickey?
No, no, no, we were we were fighting and he
he got a hold of the front of my neck.
And it was it was really bad.
So I, you know, just got to leave.
I got to leave this mortal coil guy.
Yeah, he tried to bite my mouth with his cock.
Van, that looks like Hickey's on your neck, dude.
He's, you know how some of them can turn into a bat and fly, turn out he turned into a cock
and he attacked me all over my face and body.
My ass, yeah. He bit my neck and then he turned into a penis face and body. My ass. Yeah.
He bit my neck, and then he turned into a penis
and flew right into my ass.
He bit my dick really softly
and sucked all the stuff out of it.
Yeah, that's a much better one where it's like,
I had a vampire got me.
He said, I don't see anything on your neck, man.
It's somewhere I don't...
Just trust me that he got me and you got to kill me
You gotta hit me with the bullet man. He ate my sperms
Van what do you mean? I don't understand. You're the only guy that can kill Dracula
You don't hear much about vampires anymore probably just because of politics
Yeah, I guess so I mean I
I think That you could probably say a vampire just moved back into the White House. You know what I mean a
Real blood sucker yeah, that's right
A real blood sucker. Yeah, that's right
Yeah, I think you know a lot of vampires don't come out anymore because they're not comfortable with pronouns
Yeah, they're classic they're traditional yeah, they live in castles and stuff. You know they'd wear like opera. Yeah
Yeah, they're like they're more conservative in that way. Yeah, I
Guess I'm not surprised you You know what I mean?
I wonder what, I guess it was just like old folklore.
Because they got like people with like skeletons
with like steak driven through their chest and shit
and like their teeth filed down.
Or they're like chewing on big, big cannonballs.
So like they're they can't bite from the dead.
People used to be dumb as fuck, dude.
I would be so goddamn mad if I was around like Quaker Puritan era.
America and I I woke up a little maybe manic that one day or
or maybe my voice was just a little different.
And then like two weeks later
I'm just under a two thousand pound slab of rock being lowered on my body
Like guys guys a wizard
People were fucking dumb as shit so glad that I'm not around for that
Yep
Well, I don't know I wouldn't talk too quickly. They just made a cheeto the president
They might start bringing back
yeah crush yeah if I start bringing back fucking the gallows the cheeto
nowadays you have to get stoned in the town square on X whenever you suggest I want you to be done with this shit so badly dude.
This is like month two, I can't handle this shit anymore.
I feel like it's seeped into our personal lives.
I'm fucking talking to you and I'm like yeah I gotta go to the doctor.
And you're like yeah the best doctors in the world are X'd everything at.
Where you can get diagnosed by the grokter. And I'm like yeah, the best yeah best doctors in the world on x2 everything at where they were you can get diagnosed by the grokter
And I'm like yeah awesome
great
Yeah, they actually they I have telehealth in my sci-bee, so I just use that I
Don't know what that is my cyber truck my cyber truck my side
Oh, I'm I nobody else calls it a side be at so I've just been saying it and hoping that it catches on
Even though I don't know anybody who has a cyber truck
Yeah, I I gotta charge my side be before I go out and maybe hit some dunes later
I think I'm gonna do it in my side
Classic Manhattan Dunes in my side be oh
My god, I love hitting the dunes in my fucking side be dude. Oh my god
Me and my boys we get in the side we go hit those New York Dunes Oh my god pinch charging your Benjamin in the side be while you're checking X is such a straight vibe feeling
Yeah, I put on my fucking Arc tarix and I fucking charge my my
my side be and I look at my
Benjamin and I look at X and I talked to grok and I listened to the hawks who to talk to a podcast in a side be
Yeah to talk to a podcast in a Sybie. Yeah.
Oh man.
I'm gonna get a sticker that says my other Sybie
is talk to a.
Pfft.
Ha ha ha.
Put it on the fucking Sybie dude.
God damn it. Is this a fucking I'm really gonna be alive
There's a dude to you on
I was just reading about this guy his name is Palmer lucky. He's a
weapons contractor he's like a
Teal guy he's trying to build a bunch of shit for the border
He looks like Kenny Powers and all of his missiles are named after shit from Lord of the Rings like different swords and stuff
There's like Anderil and fucking agagu and all that stupid shit
But he doesn't look like he would be he's like openly like uh like one of those techno
Whatever neo reactionary noobs bullshit Curtis Yarvin got all these fucking idiots on.
Anyway, he wears like Margaritaville shit,
and he literally dresses and looks exactly like Kenny Powers.
And he's like talking about how he's
excited to help preserve freedom because he has the capacity
to do great violence because he's
a part of a warrior class.
I'm quoting him.
I don't want you to, I want to read this quote to you.
OK, imagine Kenny Powers. He's a Nazi.
And not in kind of like the stupid way and the like, maybe in like the computer way,
the way that these guys are built. I want you to read this.
Imagine Kenny Powers saying this.
Societies have always needed a warrior class that is enthused and excited about enacting
violence on others in pursuit of good aims
You need people like me who are sick in that way and who don't lose any sleep making tools of violence in order to preserve
Freedom he just makes drones and like computer systems for bombs and he wants to use them at the border and he wants to use them
Against all I don't know about all Muslims, but he's like a considers himself a radical Zionist
I don't know about all Muslims, but he's like considers himself a radical Zionist.
He looks chill as fuck, dude. He looks like Guy Fieri.
He looks like he would know how to make a dope ass smash burger.
And then he fucking goes on the computer is like, I built a missile
straight up for killing brown kids.
And I love it, dude.
Well, I mean, yeah, I mean, if you're if you're trying to sell something,
you know, if you're going to make a bomb, I'd say, you know, your market
needs to be weapons contractors. You can't be like, I built a bomb that only kills Jews.
It's not going to be selling too well. You know what I mean? It's not a good tagline.
Very good. Very good point. Yeah, you're an American bomb maker.
And you're like, hey, I only have a bomb that kills Jews.
Sorry.
You're going to be fresh out of business.
I'm not a Zionist, but I wouldn't buy that bomb either.
You know what I mean?
I'd say that sounds like a bad bomb.
And it's also a bad bomb to kill Muslims.
But I'm just saying in terms of who's out there.
American market.
Yeah.
Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. No, yeah, yeah, yeah, no 100%
You're right, man you
You're 100% right. I just I think like a guy named Palmer lucky should be like
Flipping a nickel in a like a fucking tempi dive bar. You know what I mean like he shouldn't
Hey, my name's Palmer lucky. I've got the fastest hands in the West. I got a steed
I got a steed I wrote up here from Appaloosa
Its name is missile like that Palmer Lucky is a cool guy's name
It's not the guy it's not a name of a guy who makes
targeted missiles that he like excitedly wants to dispatch to
Rhinosa and to like all of the Middle East yeah more like Palmer sucked me
Yeah, more. Yeah more like balls more suck me
Yeah, fucking loser anyway, I was gonna make a bomb. I'll probably make it to where it only killed white people
Okay, whitey. Yeah
They call it the whitey whacker. Yeah, I mean I invented it back in college. There's no big thing
It's a bomb that only kills wasps
Not the bug, but you know white Anglo-Saxon Protestants. I
Feel like I'm more anti white Catholic nowadays
I feel like Latino. I think Latinos should be allowed to be Catholic. I don't think Irish people should be
Doesn't know no, it's I've already decided.
I think here's here's my take.
I understand where you're coming from.
I think Latinos, I think Irish because.
I think Latinos use it for less evil than Irish people.
I think you can't.
I think you can't be Catholic if you live in like
Williamsburg, I think that's kind of where I'm
Drawing a line if you're like Eastern Orthodox, and you have like it's not a Catholic hair
It's a J. You know what I'm saying if you're wearing the hat if you're going to the ha You know what I'm talking about like if you're Catholic or Orthodox, and you have a pixie haircut
You have a fucking fixed gear like I'm
No, no, I think it's only Latinos
White Catholics, what about the French they got hella Catholics in the front. No fuck them. They can't do that
Okay, so you're saying just Latinos just Latinos what?
Filipinos there's no Catholic. Come on, stick to karaoke.
All right.
I'm trying to think of who else is Catholic.
The use you're saying I just.
Dave Portnoy, no, he has to be Muslim.
Fuck Dave Portnoy, he has to be Baptist.
All those guys, they've got to be like some weird kind of printer paper smell form of Protestant
Like that you go to worship, and it's just like four white sheetrock walls see this thing the
Boston is largely Irish Catholic
You want that culture to survive?
Now you drive you make a good point
Yeah, all those guys have to switch sides
The wars are over white people are all Protestants now
Latinos are Catholics, and they're cool because they have the cool necklaces
And because they do that they have weird mysticism stuff that's made up, but
Irish Catholics didn't come up with brujas or whatever it is you
know there's a lot that they just are lacking in Haitians are not allowed to
be Catholic either okay that's the voodoo stuff has got to go I and it was
funny for a while time to wrap that up
Anybody doing voodoo that's enough all right, we don't have to pretend that's real anymore
It's crazy there's people who think that Christianity is a rebel they think voodoo is real not that I am
Even a Christian, but if you're gonna pick one to be real. I think voodoo is
Up there in terms of things definitely being made up. Yeah, Ashley will take me to this place next door to our apartment that sells incense,
and then they also sell like, dude, hundreds, hundreds of different types of magic rocks.
They sell alters. They sell a bunch of different types of tarot decks and like runes and shit.
And there's always a bunch of motherfuckers
in there and they're all talking to the front desk lady and they're like I uh I'm really
needing some luck and she's like well you should get the Arvufan stone and then you
should rub it in between two of your fingers and then you should put it in your pocket
and go fucking whistle Dixie down the fucking road and then something good will happen to
you.
I don't believe in God. I also have met in my to you. I don't believe in God.
I also have met in my time some people who don't believe in God and also believe in that
stuff.
I'm with you.
I think if you don't believe in God you gotta extend that approach to like wizards and shit.
And to like fucking like rocks with like sigils on them and cards and stuff.
Some of the decks they have aren't even real tarot cards,
which to me takes away from the fucking whatever legitimacy it does have. It'll it'll be like
animal,
cute animal tarot reading and it'll be a squirrel on it with big eyes.
And I'm like that motherfucker is not allowed to tell me that I'm a piece of shit or that I'm categorically evil or that I'm going to die.
Like it needs to be the old school ones with like the Reaper on it and the Hanging Man
or whatever the fuck.
Know what I'm talking about?
Yeah.
I don't think Louisiana should be allowed to practice any religion.
Yeah, I agree with that.
I think that Monsanto should be allowed to create a new one for them.
Yeah, yeah, I'm fine with that BP and Monsanto.
Monsantism.
Mm-hmm.
It's where you worship the river that gives you cancer when you're 10 years old.
Let's see.
Oh, great river.
Oh great river what give everybody in my life terrible tumors.
Please deliver unto me a good harvest of wilted yellow wheat and terrible grain from my family.
I don't practice Santeria.
That's the only part of the song I would sing,
because it's the only part that I can relate to.
Three second song.
I don't practice centuria.
Bradley know got really religious towards the before he died.
So he just this is the only song he felt was appropriate to see.
He got killed for the same reason they killed Dr. Sebi.
He was getting too close to the truth, which, yeah, was heroin.
He was going gonna expose the whole
government for what it really was what was it fucked up
yeah he was gonna let him know and then they killed him yeah same reason they killed
River Phoenix
Because he knew too much. He was actually gonna buy property in the hood and and actually turn it into like a good place to be
Yeah
This guy from stand by me he was a friend of Johnny Depp yeah
He was actually gonna change things and Joaquin was the evil one. That's why they spared him oh
Yeah, he did okay, right? Yeah, you're right I
Love when a celebrity who's addicted to drugs dies, and they're like yeah, I was a sacrifice
You're and they're like, yeah, it was a sacrifice. And they're like, no, they illuminati sacrificed him so they could have a new celebrity
because there can only be so much.
And I'm like, dude, this guy fucking loved pills, like a lot.
And they're like, yeah, they whacked him.
No, I think he just was a rich guy that had good pills.
Maybe got some bad ones.
What are you looking at on your phone?
Are you looking for balls?
I was looking at an update on David Lynch, which is not good.
Oh, is he is he sick?
Yeah, he has emphysema.
He's had it for a while.
He's homebound now, which is no good.
Oh, I know he smoked a lot and insisted on it.
Yeah. Fucking junkie.
Piece of shit. Yeah, more junkie. Piece of shit.
Yeah, more like David.
David Lindt.
David, come on.
Come on, like David smokes.
That's fine.
That's OK.
David, how about David Lick?
He's licking you.
He doesn't make movies at all. Yeah.
Twin licks.
In Licked Limpire.
Mm, I like that.
Liquor tongue instead of eraser head.
A blue velvety tongue.
He just had a lollipop and then he licked you.
Yes. Yes. Very good, Jake.
Very, very, very good.
So...
Instead of rabbits, it would be lick it.
And he's licking you.
And he's licking on you.
He's licking your stuff.
He's licking your things sideways and up and down.
Mulholland, Mulholland salive, yep. Instead of the elephant man, it'd be the l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-LLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL L man. Yeah. Can't I think SNL is gonna like that one David Lick
I don't have any more for David Lick. You really do you think David Lick is a dead end?
Yeah, I think maybe that was about as much as we're gonna get out of that. How about Paul Licker?
Poultrator
Yeah, yeah.
The lick got you. Yeah. Balls hater.
He just chopped. He hates his balls.
He got rid of him. He's a eunuch.
Yeah. First deformed.
And he fucking chopped his shit right off.
Very good. Very good.
Yeah. Yeah, we're on it.
I think I've only seen one or two of his movies. What have I seen for Paul Schrader?
or I was saying seen uh
I saw first reformed. I saw card counter
You see cat if you count taxi driver. I know you wrote it. Yes
The Master Gardener, which was the biggest piece of shit in the fucking
world.
And I can't...
The whole goddamn movie is about a Nazi who goes under to witness protection, and then
halfway into witness protection he meets a young black girl, and then they have sex,
and then the movie ends
that's the whole movie
I like it
laughter
white, black
we've got it all in this movie
white
white dick
black pussy
everything a moviegoer could
You've heard of eat ebert and roper folks now get ready for Tommy reviews movies
Tommy hit him with your review of The Master Garden.
Just when he thought a hot Nazi dick
couldn't get any fucking juicy
or he's fucking a black pussy in this movie.
And I jacked off on the movie so it could stop playing.
My screen started freezing up
because I started beating my shit at the end of this movie.
So I don't know how it ends But I fucking loved it
You heard it here folks how many
What's your rating system? I'm gonna give it five
Five squirts out of five for coming
Very good tell me now what about wolf of Wall Street wolf of Wall Street. Oh
Talk about a fucking hot ass movie. We're about a bunch of bitches getting fucked by a white guy
What an amazing film from Martin Scorsese in the Academy Award-winning Leonardo DiCaprio
Starring Leo DiCaprio Jonah Hill you may know him from super bad or as I called it super bad bitches getting fucked by Jonah Hill
And this is an amazing movie featuring a whole bunch of tits and crazy shit like blow and coke and all sorts of fucking
amazing pills
If I was in this movie, I probably would have I probably would have fucked all this done all the stuff in the movie
Fucking amazing. Anyway, talk about knocking out a park
We're gonna we're gonna give this five
Five
Suits out of five for wolf or Wall Street cuz that's what he wears in the movie when he's getting crazy shit on his dick
Very nice. What about baby driver?
Baby driver I have not seen but I have to imagine it's about a baby boy with a dick of a human man
And he fucks adults in this movie
While he's driving
movie while he's driving very very good 100% accurate Tommy Tommy movies thank you thank you we got two more movies for you to review I hope you've seen these
how do you feel about baby diapers gets five diapers out of five for me thank you
for weighing in on a movie you haven't seen. That makes your
criticisms worth so much more. What about Pulp Fiction?
Pulp Fiction, it's a hella fucking juicy ass movie featuring sick ass shit like a guy getting
blown his face off in a bunch of motherfuckers and shorts, if I recall correctly.
And it's got a whole bunch of crazy shit.
Like there's a girl in it who's a bitch,
and there's a guy who's a bodyguard.
He's got long hair like a girl, but it's a guy.
It's John Travolta.
And he's got a Samuel L. Jackson
blowing crazy white motherfuckers up with a gun
This gets five
Five guns out of five for me and zero out of five for the crazy scene with a big
black guy getting raped I
Just remember this
Zero out of five a zero out of five. Zero out of zero out of five pumps for the rape scene.
Didn't care for that too much.
Didn't like that.
Didn't like that.
Not how I would have done it.
Would have done different things.
With more pumps.
Oh, you're mad that was too less.
It was too short. It was too short.
It was too short.
You wanted more rape.
Okay, alright Tommy.
I wanted more.
I wanted that to be the whole movie.
You wanted Vig Reims to get fucked by several gay white men.
Understandable Tommy.
I wanted them to tag team members.
I wanted Quentin Tarantino's character to find his way down there everybody
Everybody in the movie this fuck big big rames in a basement of a pawn shop for two and a half hours
We got one more movie of Hoya Tommy movies, how do you feel about
Fight Club
Fight Club, it's about a crazy motherfucker that knows how to take a punch taking punches and
Punching bitches in the face punching man bitches in the face
You can't punch a motherfuckers and getting hit and then he goes and he hits him and they hit him back and he got
Motherfuckers on the ground pounding on him hitting his face and then he's in a dream
He's hitting motherfuckers in the dream doing crazy shit to the bitch from Harry Potter
Yeah, he does fuck her we think about that lady from Harry Potter and I think it was I was confused
I didn't know if I liked it or not. I
Didn't like how much?
It was all white people
Fanging oh, I would have preferred if he was a black eye if she was a black lady And then I okay, and then what they were both
If they were both something else and then what if it was a crazy what if he she was?
Punching him and he got knocked the fuck out and then she knocked him him out with her pussy
But it was a cool movie and I give that five punches at five fists out of five
punching motherfuckers in the ground
And how many pumps do you give it? I give it 15 pumps out of 11
Interested $20 on pump to
Interested metric Tommy movies Interesting. $20 on Pump 2. Interesting metric, Tommy Movies.
Well I think that's just about all the movies we have unless you, I mean to hell, you know?
I've never been warned to turn off a ratings YouTube channel.
Tommy Movies?
Tommy Mo- Thomas, Thomas Movials.
What about Lord of the Rings, Tommy Movials?
My favorite part of them motherfuckers
when they can't find the shit.
Everybody looking for it.
All they know is that it's gold and it's gone.
And then that gray motherfucker got it.
I liked it when the two hobbits was fucking on the on the gray
elf banging his shit out and he had like two teeth. He had like one hair and he was sucking
on both of them for money. Tommy I don't remember that part of the movie. He was sucking dick
for pieces of bread. He had the most powerful ring in the world
over a second cock for a piece of bread.
He was putting it on a guy's dick
and then making a dick that was already disappeared
reappear in his mouth.
Perfect, I'm glad we're talking about the same movie.
Yeah.
And he had to find it up to the mountain
and throw it in a guy's mouth.
The ring?
Yeah.
A red guy's mouth.
Very very very good time of movies.
That was Lord of the Rings, Lord of the Rings in the red guy's mouth.
That was the last book.
I didn't think Tolkien had it in him but I'm glad he was able to get that. That was the last book.
I didn't think Tolkien had it in him, but I'm glad he was able to get that. Yeah, you know who he was smoking on his shit when he did that.
Yeah, he was smoking on a big old stinky pack of weed.
Smoking on that crazy shit.
Lying the witch in the wardrobe.
Oh no, that was C.S. Lewis.
I think.
Yeah, that was C.S. Lewis, I think. Yeah, that was C.S. Lewis.
He wrote a bunch of books about God
in between writing a bunch of books about a lion
and a witch and a wardrobe, I suppose.
Yeah, now it would be the nine, the switch,
and the Fofo.
Yeah? Witch and the Fofo. Yeah. Yeah.
That's a
just open it up a fucking wardrobe and it's just like by CS Buick.
It's just fucking like like Air Force One's phone posits.
Line Snoop Dogg.
This is the nine, the blick, and the fofo.
The nine, the blick, and the fofo, the phone.
You can go to jail for a long time for having those.
Not me.
Oh yeah.
No. You're immune to most of all. Cops are scared of me. They yeah. No.
You're immune to most of all as I remember.
Cops are scared of me.
They know I'd shoot my way out.
Yeah, I remember when you first started doing this.
I'd do the somersault and probably start shooting like crazy and shoot all of them.
Yeah, I'd do like a Dark Souls dodge and I would just mag dump into the sheriff.
I'm scared of what I could do if the cops tried to come up against me. I'm scared of what I'm capable of.
I'm just kidding.
Yeah, that's why I don't break the laws.
I'm scared of what I'm capable of.
Yeah, that's why I follow all the rules now.
It's because I'm scared if I did break the rules.
What might happen?
You might see my other side.
Yeah.
What's that?
What's his the dark side?
Teemo
No
Tom
Okay, Tom instead of Thomas. He's he's like a murderous guy like he doesn't take prisoners
He's like kind of like my alter ethos. Oh
Okay, yeah, he like yeah, he takes over. it's just like you see red it's all
over yeah it's once I once I bunch my fist up into a fist that's when the
real Joker comes out you're gonna see a side of me you've never seen before and
you wish that you hadn't provoked yeah I get that for sure yeah I do that to you
all the time where you say something and you're trying to be nice
But it comes across weird, and then I bunch my fists up into a fist and I say I say that again motherfucker
Yeah, and then I punched through one of the desks at school
While you're sitting next to me at school
Yeah, we go to the same high school. Yeah, we both go to high school
enlightened enlightened preachers School of the Word,
where we study the Bible and we study how to be pious men.
Yeah.
Back to our roots.
I went to Evil Eagle High School.
Oh, really?
Was it like a prep school for like, evil boy scouts like Boy Scouts or something or there's a Christian school evil eagle
Okay, we had to compete with the Catholic school, so it had to be a scarier name
Yeah, Saint because I know it is kids all parents all want their kids to give them less when they go off to school and
The process and kids just didn't you know we didn't have that background
So we're making evil in other ways we had to make it evil in other ways.
We had to make it more like the military.
I wonder if there's an equal amount of molesting in Protestant circles, or if the Catholics
just been putting up big ass numbers for like a thousand years.
I feel like it's probably pretty, pretty, probably any, um,
any work in that big organized religion, probably not.
But yeah, we're not doing great.
Probably things to work on in general.
Yeah.
I think it probably even happens outside of the church.
Mm hmm.
Um, probably one or two people every year what up to five up to five people up to five people get molested every year I've heard
I uh, I remember when I was in the in group therapy at the mental hospital and
One of the group one of the people there
Would tell like every day not every day, but like I don't know, every other day would tell a similar story.
Like their story of what happened to them.
And it wasn't awesome.
And then it would be immediately followed up by the guy who always sat next to her who
was there because his neighbor bitched at him about his dog pooping in his lawn.
So he walked over to his neighbor's house and broke his jaw.
Like a mental breakdown. So a girl, you know, a girl would be like, oh, you know, this horrible tragedy
that's like affected my day to day life.
And, you know, the therapist, I think you're sharing that.
And like, how are you feeling today, Mike?
And Mike would be like, I'm only here because I fucking get down, dude.
And I fucking can't control myself.
And I'm fucking I'm fine.
They're making me be here because I'm fucking normal.
It was like, what are you here for?
He's like, I fucking me and my neighbor had an argument.
This neighbor got his jaw wired shut, like all of his teeth were knocked out.
So it was just a juxtaposition of somebody being like, this really terrible thing.
It happened to me.
It's affected every aspect of my life.
And this guy being like, yeah, if you don't start,
no shit won't be none.
That's my motto.
I put men in a dirt, dude.
I do not fuck around.
They're telling me I got to be here two weeks.
Shit.
I'm going back to court telling them what time it is.
It's like, nah, I think if you beat a guy
damn near to death over a pile of dog shit, I think maybe you.
You probably got molested, too.
It's just you don't remember something, you know.
Or you're just like on some real shit.
Yeah, you're real. You're just a real ass dude.
Yeah, you don't play.
You don't play about your respect.
You don't play about your friends. You don't play about your friends. You don't play about your family
You don't play about your yard. Yeah earlier today. I had some
coworkers who were talking and they asked me if
if somebody attacked me at work if I would fight back
And I said, I think it probably depends on that context under which this is happening
I don't think I have a blanket approach for getting attacked
Sure. Yeah, and they were like nah, you got to attack them. I know you would attack them. I
Was like I I think there are circumstances under which I would defend myself
But I use the example I was like I don't think I would just like lay a woman out by default
You know what I mean?
Yeah
Like not that I wouldn't put my hands up
But I'm not like I'm not gonna just like try and knock out game a lady if she's like
Just on pills or whatever and not like a threat to
My yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, they're like now you got a you got a killer, bro
Yeah, dude. I love that. I
Love when you're in a normal conversation, usually
in a work setting, but not always.
Sometimes at a party where maybe you know, like, two people there.
And you end up somehow in the kitchen with, like,
the dumbest guys of all time.
And every now and then the conversation
shifts towards, like, yo, I heard,
so Mike told me that his,
Mike told me that his fiance, dude,
she fucking threw a drink in his face.
She was drunk fighting.
I want to knock all her teeth out.
And you're just like the music,
and you're sitting there, you're kind of like peeling
the label off of Miller High Life,
and you're like, nah, I don't think I would do that.
If a woman threw a drink in my face over like a drunken argument, I don't think I would do that. If a woman threw a drink in my face over like a drunken argument,
I don't think I'm going to stand over her and bounce her head off the kitchen floor
and knock all of them. I don't think I'm going to do that.
I also don't think I'm a good person for saying that.
I think that's just kind of like, you know what I'm talking about?
Like guys are just like equal rights, equal lefts or whatever the fuck.
Like how often in your day to day are you fantasizing a scenario
where a woman casually or in a very minor way wrongs you
and then you like kick her in the head?
You like hit her with a three piece and some soda.
It's like where does that I mean, I where I keep I ask myself,
where does it come from? but it's pretty obvious.
Those guys usually just, something went wrong, I guess.
Yeah, oh well.
What can you do?
Who knows who's right and who's wrong,
you know, at the end of the day.
Maybe I'm a big pussy.
Big pussy.
Maybe I am just a big pussy. Big pussy.
Maybe I am just a big pussy at the end of the day.
My name be pussy.
Giancarlo be pussy.
I work as a bouncer at the Curves Fitness Gym.
It is the last one that is still going.
And I kick out any other women who I think are too
skinny and I do this by I unplug their machine and then I grab their waist and
I put them over my shoulder and I spank them on my way out okay and I throw and
I throw them on the concrete we are looking for a front desk person at Curves, we are not looking for a, say, bouncer. I will carry a gun and I will kill the women if they are
too heavy to lift. Sorry, so if they're too skinny you carry them out and spank them.
If they are skinny or loud or too big or too small. If they are too big and I cannot move them I will cut
them up into pieces.
Giancarlo big pussy. So the woman have to be just the right size for them to not experience
it.
For me and the right race and everything and age. And the teeth have to be perfect.
It's just curves, it is not some type of gym where you can look like anything.
She has to have curves but not too much.
Or it stink up the whole gym.
Maybe the whole gym smell like a tire shop.
Well you know what, initially I was apprehensive, Jean Carlo, be
boozy. But now I think you might be great for our marketing because we
want women in here with curves, but we don't want any skinny women in here.
And we don't want them to be too big because it's a distraction to the
other women. So I think if we can meet in the middle and you could not
shoot them or chop them up,
but maybe just escort them outside,
I think maybe we could have a deal
we could bring you on board.
OK.
I think maybe I would like to make maybe something
like $7 an hour.
Is that OK?
I was going to ask you what your salary expectations were, and I'm so glad you said $7 an hour is that okay I was gonna ask you what your salary expectations were and
I'm so glad you said seven an hour because we can absolutely do six twenty
five okay I could do six dollars even so it's easier to count it easier to count
and it's the same number on your paycheck and I want to cash I want the
paycheck to be cash.
On a paycheck.
We definitely don't want you on our books, Giancarlo Pupuzzi.
I want a paycheck that is made out of cash.
So you want your check.
I would like to assign the pieces of cash, like it's a check.
And then I will send it to my, and then I
like to put it into my mailbox
With the flag up so the mailman couldn't go put it in the bank for me I
Think we can do that Giancarlo. I think that's no problem. I have done this with all my money
I spent none of it. I put it all in the post office. I put it on the front desk
Okay, a flag on it.
It says Giancarlo.
Giancarlo Bebozzi.
And they put it in a special box for me.
How do you spell your last name, Giancarlo?
B-I-P-U-S-I-E-Y. OK, B-I-P-U-S-I-E-Y.
Okay, B-I-P-U-S-I-E-Y.
Jean-Carlo B. Pousse.
Is that French?
Yes.
You just sounded kind of Latino
for the majority of the interview.
I just, I was unsure, so I just.
I am from Paris.
I think I am probably from Paris or maybe Nice. Jean-Mapel, Jean-Carlo Bigbon.
I'm from the countryside.
The countryside of Paris?
I'm from the French countryside.
I grew up eating a piece of bread or maybe a piece of milk for breakfast because I am
French.
Did you get into working with women in the French countryside?
Is that kind of how you built your resume?
I think so.
I think maybe I was a trapper for their pelts in the French countryside. I will trap the women and use their skins to make money.
Maybe make a couple of bucks.
Yeah, of course, man.
Well, dude, I mean, you seem like a down to earth peaceful, fun loving guy.
Okay.
So, job's yours if you want it John Carlin okay thank you thank
you but thank you buddy no problem thank you buddy no problem
good I maybe use a restroom absolutely there's I, a woman's hand?
Si. The hand of a woman.
Why do you have that, Carlo?
It's okay. It's cold.
Oh, it's a hand warmer. Okay, like a natural one.
No, it's a hand cooler My hand gets too hot
When my hand gets a little bit too hot. I put it on a girl's hand in my pocket and it clenches
The rigor mortis sets in and it gets cold, okay
You see sometimes I like to get a stick and put it into the girl's hand and use it
Electricity to cause it to pick up my socks from the floor
You attach some jumper cables to a metal rod put it in a girl's hand and then you animate it to do your chores for you
see
Okay Okay, okay, yeah, I mean I'm finding out every day that you're every minute finding out you're
more handy than the last minute we previously had this conversation I didn't know you were
I know you were sort of a an amateur re human reanimator see the necromancer. See it's expensive to use electricity to cause the hand to make chores.
It cost me about $6 an hour so if I could make a little bit of that money back working
at curves and trapping the women I thought maybe I could turn up the heat on the tanning beds
to make them into like sausages.
And maybe I could turn the treadmill speed up
to
to get them sucked into the
treadmill
and create paste.
And I could
maybe I could make their weights heavier, but I think maybe they would just use the
little ones.
If I made their weights heavier maybe they would stop going to the gym so maybe I should
stop doing that.
Right.
So instead I made their weights out of cookies.
Very smart.
To cause them to stay at the gym longer, but now we have no more ways
And they have cookie crumbs all in all of the trade meals
Which is crazy because it happened before I brought the cookies
All of the trade meals that curves have crumbs in them and it causes them to be a very bumpy
Very very good
Well, Jean Carlo, I appreciate you helping clean up the place
It's okay
It's gonna be at this curves is gonna do incredible sales
We're gonna be the best performing gym in tri-state area
See see all because of Jean Carlo big pussy the French woman trapper from the Parisian countryside.
How does that sound?
It's okay, I guess.
I guess.
I guess it's okay.
Giancarlo Big Pussy, everybody.
All right, I'm not doing the voice anymore.
How about that, guys?
That's fine, that's okay. That's all right, it'm not doing the voice anymore. How about that? That's fine. That's okay. That's all right
Speaking of big pussy John Mulaney is back on SNL guys
Yeah, did we talk about that last episode? Yeah, we did we talked about it for about half the episode now that I remember
Well guys sometimes that'll happen.
Well I think with Trump becoming president again, dare I say real comedy is going to
make a comeback because there's there's no greater form of
political protest
Than sketch comedy
100% and what Jake and I are gonna cook up in retaliation
Will have Trump and his goons shaking in their boots. Oh
Yeah, I've been hard at work, you know, so am I writing writing insane sketches like
Cheetos big day and it's his first second day
it's his second first day and
He goes to pass some laws and he goes to get a pen in the drawer and opens it and he finds what does he find?
He finds an old honey bun from his first administration. He gets distracted because he can't stop eating it.
He's fucking eating it, it's dry,
it's cracking his teeth and his gums are bleeding.
But he doesn't care because he's a freaking fat idiot, dude.
And he fucking stinks so much, yeah.
And I'm working on another one called
Vance
To and
JD Vance shows up when there's already another JD Vance there and then Donald Trump has to figure out which one is the one to
Be trusted and which is which is the cyborg
I like there's a lot. There's a lot of gay sex now
Both of the vances have violent hardcore gay sex and that one. Both of the Vance's have violent, hardcore gay sex.
And Trump can't stand one second of it.
But because they're in such close proximity, it's hard for him to see which one is which.
I like that.
What sketches are you working on?
Oh, I'm working on one where JD Vance wakes up and his hair is blue
and he looks in the mirror and he thinks he's a lib
But really it's because of all the blue hair gel he used the night before
Mmm, not realizing he'd accidentally use his wife's his blue
wife's Hair gel, you know how you always use hair gel before you go to bed
Oh, yeah, you gotta get nice and spiky before you get to the hay
Yeah Yep, so that was pretty easy to understand Hair gel before you go to bed. Oh, yeah, you gotta get nice and spiky before you get to the hay Yeah
Yep, so that was pretty easy to understand
I fucking love getting a head full of hair gel right before I slide into them sheets brother
Yeah, and I put my sunglasses on put my jacket on and hit the sack
Yes, sir. I get my combat boots. I get my fucking leather pants, dude. I fucking my fucking club masters
I slide into bed my fiance fucking hates every moment. Yeah
When you wake up next to a beautiful woman and she sees you still have your sunglasses on so she sucks your fucking dick
Again, cuz she thinks you're so cool
Dude for like the first year and a half that I was with Ashley. I slept fully clothed
Fully clothed.
I used to sleep in jeans, my belt, my jacket, my boots.
I used to pass out that way.
And she made like a rule, it was like you can't go to bed like that.
And so I had to, it was like tapering off of heroin.
I was like, can I wear my jeans to bed?
She didn't understand.
I like I love sleeping that way.
I love sleeping.
I love just I think what it is is.
I get tired and I have to go to sleep.
I can't I can't have a nighttime routine because then I'm up.
You know what I mean?
Like when I get tired, I just have to go to bed.
I can't like take I can't put on jammy jams.
I can't you know what I mean?
So that's why when I go out on the town I go to stand up in my fucking super spiky hard
Sticky hair with my club masters in my leather jacket. I just come right back home. I go straight to sleep, brother
Yeah, you come home with that Armani exchange on with your club masters on with your motherfucking Aldo Chukka's boots on
And you got all your rings from Kohl's
Chukka's boots on and you got all your rings from Kohl's
Off on your motherfucking bedazzled fingers. You got your citizen watch on you got your motherfucking James Avery cross necklace on
and You're you're you're wearing Hugo Boss cologne from
from Ross and you have fucking
the And you have fucking, uh, the, uh, Too Sexy 2B or whatever, the yellow hair gel from 2006,
the older brother hair gel.
Did you say Too Sexy 2B?
Do you mean Got to be Glued?
Got to be Glued?
Too Sexy 2B?
I can't remember.
Yeah, let me go get some 2C.
You could get that all, I put that all over my pubes before I go to put
Yeah, I got my hair gel too sexy. I'm gonna kill my so much just so my dick smells amazing
Just getting all your pubes into like one solid sharp point
Trying to suck my own dick and I poke my own eye
I Slip my throat sucking my own cock
Razor sharp oh
My god, yeah, too sexy to be
Too sexy or not too sexy to be
What was the name of that robot in Star Wars?
Too sexy to be are too sexy to be too
Yeah, I uh I
Was looking at the
The fucking
Dude, I'm I the doge thing. I I like him genuinely I know that it's like
what's the point in complaining but that one really sucks before we started I
was working and I somebody sent me like a put like a thing he had made he was
like a job opportunity that was like looking for people wanting to work 80 weeks deregulating the government.
That's good. Look, what does that mean?
What is an 80 hour workweek deregulating the government?
Also, is he going to like stop working at Tesla?
I don't know how this shit works.
Oh, you know, imagine if he stopped working
Well, what if he's what if that stopped happening? Let's see here. He's been calling himself the first buddy
Because he's been hanging out with Trump at Mar-a-Lago. I like that a lot and some somebody was he was in an interview he was like it feels good to be the first buddy and
Man that made me want that made me want to kill everybody at the apartment complex
I don't know there's a certain things that fill you with like an impotent, but ungovernable rage. You know me a
50 some year-odd billionaire man being like I'm the first buddy
The first one I
I really wish tenacious D was still around so they can make a fucking awesome song about Doge
D o g e
It's the motherfucking legendary coin of the world
It's the motherfucking legendary coin of the world
Did I still love tenacious D. I'm not even gonna I'm not even gonna front I used to love it you did I love that
Yeah Now it's now it's tenacious woke
Tenacious heat and it's awesome that Jack Black is 500 pounds now
He was always like the funny fat guy, but you look back and he was a normal-sized chubby guy
And now he is a but now he is like now. He looks like one of the he looks like a gay guy. He's so fat
I do exactly what you mean. Yes. Yeah, he looks like one of the big kind of like rough around the edges gay guys
Yeah, I mean I think he just
He got all in the movies man. He got like a bunch of movie deals like I understand you know what I mean
What made him fat?
Yeah
Cuz he was just he was in like Orange County and shit and like
like I guess school of rock was his first big one,
but or like what's what I'm looking for? Like the movies that they used to just make in
the early to mid 2000s, it's about like a stoner who has to like fake his transcripts
so he can go to college to have sex with a girl. And that happens for 90 minutes. That's
like a Blink 182 song. He was just in a bunch of those movies and
Then now he's in like wholesome stuff like Minecraft. I think he's playing the devil in one now
Yeah, that's not wholesome. That's fucked up
I'm sick of all of this evil in the media. Am I the only one who actually wants jack-bite dead?
Am I the only one who actually wants Jack Black dead? Anyway.
Anyway, if you're listening to this, that means that you're listening to the free episode
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How do I get access to that, Jake?
You go to your fucking debit card. You go do that. I'm going to do that.
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What about you, Big Tom?
I got nothing.
Nobody gives a fuck about me.
OK.
All right, well, I love you, buddy.
Thank you.
I love you, too.
All right, goodbye, guys.
Bye.
Have a good weekend.