Pendejo Time - tony johnny

Episode Date: March 16, 2023

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yeah it's tony tony johnny yeah let's see yeah it's me yeah dude you need yeah i believe you man it's been a long time since i've seen you tony johnny how are you yeah i'm good yeah. That's the thing, baby. It's hard out here for a player, but yeah, I'm good. People ask me, you doing good? I say, yeah. Yeah. They say, Tony, is it true you've been doing alright

I say yeah Yeah They say how's the wife doing She still working Yeah How are the kids They still in school Yeah

I heard your dad killed himself Is that true Yeah How are the kids? They still in school? Yeah. I heard your dad killed himself. That true? Yeah. Yeah, that's awesome. Tony Johnny, thank you, man. It's like the Stay Fly music video is about to start. It's like, yeah.

Juicy J. The idea of a guy who's just like uh just a job interview it's like do you have any special skills that you think would make you an appropriate candidate for this position yeah uh whole bunch of shit truly truly like the thing is Truly your honor It's like a whole bunch Of different shit You don't have to call me your honor You came here for the job At National Tire and Battery

I figured You know We could go through Your skill set together So You said you had Some experience Working with Nationals

And tires Yeah My ex-girlfriend Was a car And Yeah She had four tires Four wheels Yeah Listen brother

Thanks for sharing that information with me I forgot that I'm not Tony Johnny In this sketch Currently I'm the interviewer I'm Tony Yeah Yeah Currently, I'm the interviewer. I'm Tony. Yeah. Oh, man.

Unfortunately, sir, I have to pull you out of the operating room. Your wife didn't survive her stage four thyroid cancer surgery. Yeah, I figured. So I just want you to know that we need to think about next steps about calling the coroner and having her transported to the medical examiner's office. Yeah. Sounds good. Can't wait. Shit.

Damn. Shit. Damn. Yeah. Yeah, my wife did it. Yeah. Shit. Yeah, so I don't think you quite understand the gravity of the situation. Your wife has passed away. My wife going to be smoking weed.

She won't be, Tony Johnny. She's dead. No. No. Shit. Shit, just kidding, yeah. Shit, yeah. Just kidding, yeah.

I'm just kidding, yeah. I would never say nothing like no No People ask me People ask me Is you Is you Tony I say yeah

I say yeah bitch Oh yeah Tony Johnny It's me It's Tony Oh yeah Fuck yeah Tommy Yeah, bitch. Oh, yeah. Tony Johnny, it's me. It's Tony. Oh, yeah. Fuck yeah, Tommy.

Just like a 2 and 45 UFC fighter from New Jersey. He wants to be in the UFC. He's started too much CTE already. So he's in his interview for like the contender series. And they're like, so Tony, like you're from Morristown, New Jersey. And I was like, you have a lot of really interesting fight nicknames. Could you just run through them? So my name is Tony Corsini, a.k.a. Tony. Oh, yeah.

Super, yeah, man. Awesome. Corsini aka Tony oh yeah super yeah man awesome fighting in the damn ring all day fighting all damn day hitting people getting hit yeah hit him in the jaw hit him hit him in the chest hit him in the rib hit him in the rib. Hit him in the leg. Foul. Take two points off holding. Hand in the cage. Get it out, son. I say you got eight seconds to move.

Rear naked choke. Submission. Third round. Two minutes, 45 seconds in. With a stunning finish by Nergan Medov. Yeah, but basically it's like I've been fighting since I was a little ass kid. Yeah, well, so I wanted to know, so your full name is, your legal name is Tony Johnny, but you go by Tony Tommy in the ring. Tony Johnny can't see and he can't see me, can't see nothing.

Okay. Okay. We're glad to have you. We hope your first fight goes well, Tony, Tommy, Johnny. Yeah. It's like the first fight ain't nothing like the last fight. Tony, how many wins do you have? Right now I'm on a winning streak of negative 17.

I'm hoping to win that back by putting all the glory to God and finding out where my ex-girlfriend lives. I had six Philly cheesesteak sandwiches last week for breakfast. And as a reward, I ate a security camera. For breakfast. And as a reward. I ate a security camera. But I've been training hard for this fight. I've been fighting at least.

Two to three times a week. 20 minutes at the gym. And I chew bubble gum too. Yeah. Yeah. All I do is train. Eat pussy Chew gum bubble gum And write on the paper

Like Dana tells me Yeah okay Well thank you for talking to us Tony Tommy We really appreciate you You know What weight class are you fighting at this year I want to fight in the In the full blood.

I understand it is a blood sport, but what is the weight you'd like to fight at? I'd like to fight at feather welter. Okay. So feather weight is 145, welter weight is 170, which that's a pretty big weight disparity. Featherweight is 145. Welterweight is 170, which that's a pretty big weight disparity. Yeah, I think I'll probably do just the median of this set of numbers. So 125, 135, 145, 155, 170, 185, 205, 260, just the median of those numbers? Yeah, I think I'll take a medium.

I think that's like 200 pounds. Shit, yeah, like, just the median of those numbers? Yeah, I think the... I'll take a medium. I think that's like 200 pounds. Shit, yeah, like... So a median, you know... I actually don't know what the median of those numbers were. A medium is... Would be... Between the small and the large? It would be the number if you...

It's not the average, but it's... So basically, like, if you have's not the average but it's so basically like if you have five numbers uh-huh you put them from shortest to largest the third one will be the median no matter what the average value was it's just like cutting half so if it was one two, 500, the median of those five is still three, weirdly. Because it's not average-based. So whatever the maximum and minimum values are, it doesn't really matter. It's always the third one? It's always the middle one.

The middle one. Oh. Yeah, you know what I mean? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I know fucking, I remember shit from. That's why they call me Tony Tommy.

Dude, that's like fourth grade math, dude. I don't remember any of that shit. It's okay. I'm going to have my last sip, pouch. You know, I'm doing like public speaking and shit now. I'm doing big stuff, so you can expect a lot from me. Thank you, Tony Tommy. Yeah.

I got to get out of here. I'll pass the mic off to my friend, Thomas the Polar Bear White. Damn, that's a cool nickname, Tommy. And I hadn't even thought of that myself, honestly. Thank you for giving me that organ myself honestly thank you for giving me that organic you for giving me that nickname yeah thank you for the idea i don't think i'll call myself that but i know a lot of people will against my wishes and that's going to be annoying jake thank you for i just wanted i just want to go back and and thank you for talking me out of

eating the other half of that edible. Yeah, that would have been a pretty bad idea. I think that would have been really nasty stuff. Yeah, because the look you had on your face, you're like, I think I have to eat this other half, and it just looked like you were already hurting. Yeah, well, I was earlier, but there was an evil voice within me that was like, you should eat more. Hey, thanks for talking me out of the edible man i appreciate it because there was something that was like uh you know you know you like you get you get high off weed and

then you're like uh what if i got higher off weed and that's just kind of that kind of what led you know what's funny is that kind of what led me To where I am today Just that one thought I think a little bit of you too Where you're like Whatever it's like I had a little bit of weed

But what if I had like What if I smoked like a lot of weed And then you know From there Then you smoke a lot of weed Yeah and then you Then you think What if I also

Got so drunk Yeah That police couldn't even see my car yeah what if i got what if i got so fucked up on mushrooms at this house party that everyone just tried to like sit on me like a chair like if i just was sort of in the corner folded up weird people could believe in that moment that i was one what if i get so drunk it becomes safe to drive again circles back around and then it would be unsafe if i stopped drinking yeah i was like, have you ever drank yourself sober before? Like you just get conversation. I asked somebody that one time.

Cause I've like, they were talking about like, Oh, I've smoked myself sober. And I'm like, Oh, I remember that. Have you ever like drank yourself sober?

Like you just kind of just drink yourself into this like weird, delirious, like fucked up state of mind where you just like, you're not drunk anymore, but I think you're like, no, no, I don't think so, man. I don't know about that. Yeah, I remember I used to suck myself sober.

It's really awful. Next time somebody's talking about weed, I've got to throw that in there. Yeah, dude, lately this weed's been too strong, man've been like like getting really high but then like basically smoking myself sober yeah I like I like I suck myself sober pretty often you know yeah so does my neighbor my neighbor sucks me sober yeah sometimes his name's uh Tommy Johnny and Tommy Johnny. Yeah, Tommy Johnny. And he will do it for a high five. Here's the thing, man. Sometimes I just get blackout drunk and I walk into my neighbor Tommy Johnny's house.

And he, you know, at this point, he knows what the deal is. He's just watching the TV with nothing on. It's just not even plugged in, you know. He's just eating like a bowl of blood. It's just not even plugged in, you know? He's just eating like a bowl of blood. It's like on the coffee table. You don't know what it is. It's red thick syrup. He just dips his fingers in it. It's probably red bean

paste. Probably some sort of red... You know what he really likes to eat? Gelatin inserts. Red jelly inserts. Oh, I love peach compote. And I love red gelatin. I love peach jellyote, and I love red gelatin. I love peach jelly, sweet peach jelly inserts. It's one of my favorite foods.

We were watching this Korean chef earlier on YouTube, and she was making a cake. Some sort of fucked up. Like, right. It was it was fucked up, but it was also like probably a really good cake. Oh, it looked delicious. But it was like far too much work for a cake. But I understand that's the nature of her videos.

She put like a thick sheet of like clear sugar glass on it or some shit. Yeah. It looked pretty awesome. Anyway, Tom, it was, I made the comment that it felt like Cocomelon for adults. Like it had all the music and the pretty lights and, you know, like a lady's hands making like a pistachio paste, which was soothing. At one point you were like,

you're like, I feel like this is what they show to robots, which got me pretty good. Like, they show it to language models, so, like, one day we'll have an AI that's like, would you like a peach insert, Mr. Tommy Johnny? To which, you know, Tommy always responds, Yeah. Yeah.

You know I like them inserts. Shit, give me two. Hey, can I... Mama, please give me a plastic peach sweet insert. Mama, you bitch. You bitch, mama. Bitch, give me a

peach insert. Stat. Pronto. Tommy Johnny is no time to waste. Yeah. I can't wait for Tommy Johnny to burrow its way into our subconscious so much that in like 20 years,

you're like, we got a boy, we need to give him a brother and you have your second kid and we haven't talked in a few years nothing went sideways you know we just grew up and uh you know fame was like what you gonna name this when you got thomas jr what are you gonna name the second one man and you're like there's this name that just sticks with me it just reminds me of an easier time it reminds me of a happy time in my life, you know. It reminds me of a guy I haven't talked to. They're like, oh, what's your name?

After your old pal Jake, you're going to say, no, Tommy, Tommy Johnny. We got Tommy Jr. It's just Tommy Johnny speaks to me. Yeah, Tommy Johnny. And if we have another one, we're going to call him Jommie Tani. What if it's a girl? Jommie Tami. Call him John Mitani. What if it's a girl? Jamina Tamina. Girl name.

Girl name. So what'd you name your daughter, man? Dude, being like, yeah, well, we were going to go for for John But it's a girl so Johnema You're like Not like Joanna Joanie Oh John Jo-nima

Jo-mama Jo-mima-ta-nina Isn't your last name Dickinson Yeah but you know it's like her middle name. So, uh, your daughter's full name is Jonima Tonima Dickinson. Yeah. Yeah, this is Jonima Tomima.

And, um. God damn it. This is Joe Mamamina Tonitamona. This is the sister of Joe Mama Mina Tona Tona Tomona This is the sister Of Tommy Johnny Yeah Yeah Bitch

This is my bitch ass sister With a dumb ass Retarded ass name Yeah I got the cool name bitch And I got the cool Cool life From Tommy Johnny

I'm 42 I still live at home Mom and dad Your name is Joe Nima, Tony Nima, Dickinson, bitch. Yeah. Man, I didn't realize when we started the episode that we get so much mileage out of that one. Yeah. You pulled during the sound check. Yeah.

Who cares? Yeah. Man. Mr. White, you've completed the legal requirements for your probation. The community hours have been serviced. At this point, we are willing to put this past us. Proud to see that you, you know,

kept up with your PO. And I'm happy to say that, you know, I can call myself a proud judge. Yeah. I just got one question for you. Are you ready to devote your life to Jesus Christ? Give yourself back to the church or are you gonna go back to your hedonistic ways of prostitution and and go into a very dude that's to go into a

very very brightly lit smoke shop that felt like I was in a nightmare of some sort I was in a light like I was in was fluorescent yeah like those halogen strip lights yeah they still got it like, Ace Hardware? It was, like, Florida ceiling mirrors and then, like, the brightest, like... Dude, I felt like... I felt like fucking Fat Joe or whoever that was was fucking interrogating us. It was fucking interrogating us. Ah, fuck. Bro, you're gonna ask me for my ID.

I understand that you have to do that, but you don't have to do that. Yeah, look at me, man. I fucking... I got on a fucking size double XL uncle button-up. I got a lawnmower tattooed on my leg. Yeah. Yeah, I got a... I'm not here to fucking bust you, I guarantee that.

I just ask for the weakest strain that you have. Yeah, can you just give me the thing that'll make me laugh at legitimately anything more so than usual? the thing that'll make me laugh at legitimately anything more so than usual. And then... Let me out of this ice prism, dude. It's too bright in this bitch. Yeah, all the DJ screw keychains they had. Yeah.

And then the fucking Rick and Morty mouse pads. Dude, I love smoke shops. It'll be like a Rick and Morty mouse pad, but Rick has big-ass titties and it's like the armrest yeah and then it'll be like bob marley that's a that's a quote attributed to him that's from like 100 inspirational quotes in chinese and the quotes like when you live all day to be happy that's when you find that equals justice you're like oh okay and then you look at the bongs and it's like scooby-doo fucking velma all the glass pieces are really intricate like pieces of

very delicate artwork it's like it's like yeah fucking you go and like i i as long as i've been going into them it's like it's a dark night it's a dark night poster but like the movie came out obviously like 15 years ago it's like the joker poster but he's he instead of like holding a knife it's like a blunt yes it's like a guy it's just like a white guy you went to high school with but now he has nipsey hustle tattooed on his face oh Oh, hi. Hi, Greg. Yeah. Hey, Tony, Johnny. Hey, Tony, Johnny.

How's it going, brother? Yeah, I like. I don't know because all of this like Delta nine eight shit or whatever, like. Whenever I'm in a state that it's legal, I'm like, Oh, that's fine. Let me get it at an edible or whatever. But I still feel weird asking at the head shops. I'm like, which one gets you?

Like, which one makes you feel like you're stoned? And I know that like, they're allowed to sell that or whatever, but I'm just like, I'm like, Oh, I'm going to go to jail again.

I'm going to jail at 20 and 28 years old. This is coming out of my birthday because we're filming it, recording it the same day. Happy birthday. Happy birthday, Jake. What are you giving me for my birthday, man? I got you a big peach insert. I got you a pink jelly insert.

Yeah. Thanks, man. You know what? The thing that I never got as a kid, you know, times were tough. We didn't have inserts. Every year I asked my mom for a pink jelly insert. inserts every year i asked my mom for a pink jelly insert and uh she said you know with everything going on this year and you know the housing crisis uh i just don't know if we could afford a pink jelly insert i remember whenever my you know my grandparents were younger their families

were poor and the girls wanted to go to school they they each they only had one pink jelly insert to share amongst the family so whatever daughter had the pink jelly insert that day could go to school that day and they had to trade out yeah the the thing about the thing that i never want my children to ever go without because you know, as two salt of the earth guys ourselves, we know what it's like to go without our pink jelly insert. Yeah. And it's like you're useless. I'm useless without it. It's okay.

Yeah. Yeah. You know, you spend your whole life chasing it. Yeah. Jake's making a joke about vagina. No, I'm not, man. I was making a joke kind of. Why would you think that I would be making a joke about getting a No, I'm not, man. I was making a joke kind of... Why would you think

that I would be making a joke about fucking getting a crumb of trim? Yuck. First off, yuck. Yuck. Listen, brother,

I don't make cracks like you. Dude, yuck. Listen, brother. Listen, Tony Johnny, I don't know how they do things up in fucking New Jersey, brother. Yeah.

Tony Johnny gets cast in The Office. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, man, that's awesome. Yeah. Tony Johnny's giving a guest spot on Parks and Rec as a really snarky sheriff. It's the only words I'll give on this show.

Hey, so can you just read this line for us, Mr. Tony Johnny? Yeah. All right, all right. I think that's good. Can you read it as like you're a snarky, no-nonsense sheriff in a small Midwestern town? Yeah. snarky no-nonsense sheriff in a small midwestern town yeah you just become like the most prolific do you know and and and mikey miles is mine he's literally tony johnny yeah that's who he is yeah that's like he's a guy so cool that he can just go wherever he wants and just say, yeah. So you want to know how I got these scars?

Yeah. Yeah. It's because of my father. My dad used to beat the fuck out of me. And he would, he would, he, my mom came in and he cut her. Yeah. He said, do you want to know how I got these scars? He said, my father was a drunk.

He said, you come home every day with a knife. And he'd cut my face and he'd say, you're the Joker. You're the Joker and you're fucking gay. Fucking gay joker And I would say Fuck you dad I fucking hate being the joker And when I grow up

I'm never going to be the joker I'm gonna work for a hedge fund And as luck would have it You know my father was a joker And I ended up being a joker as well It's not great money But it's a union job, surprisingly. Just kind of fell into the work.

Yeah, Batman is sort of a right-to-work guy, and I'm just sort of the union stiff. I'm a union guy. I'm a union joker. Union joker. So here's the thing. You start out as sort of an apprentice, and you get into minor fights with Batman, you know,

every now and then he'll come and shake you down. But as an apprentice. Yeah, the Joker is a guy who works at his factory and wants $12 an hour. Yeah, he was a real Joker in D.C. This is the clowns at the White House. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Dude, if we keep going on like this we're gonna get a late night show and you'll and you'll be the guy that sits in the chair next to me and i'm bouncing riffs off of you classic riffs like joker in dc comics you mean politicians at the white house yeah buddy yes sir that's the talk that talk. Talk that. You preach that shit. Boy, what are you doing? You got to say it louder for the people in the fucking back, brother. Right.

Fuck. Dude, those motherfuckers taste good. I think that's the other reason why I wanted to eat another one. Yeah, I wanted a whole bag of peach rings earlier, but I had to stop. Stop jelly peach inserts. Dude, I fucking love eating a pound of candy any time I get high. I love doing that, I gotta say. It's one of my favorite things to do, is to get a little bit high and then eat like two pounds of candy.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Next day you feel hung over even when you didn't drink. Yeah, you fucking, I don't really, here's the thing, man. I don't like candy. I don't like ice cream. That's so fucking stupid.

I don't like chocolate really unless it's super dark and like hard as a brick. That's the only time I like it. I think I just have a bad. I'm fucking hard to molest over here. Dude, I fucking. Mr. Hard to molest. Dude. Dude, if a guy came. Hard to molest. Dude. Dude, if a guy came up to me in a van with any sort of sweet treat, game over.

Dude, I would be so easy to rape. Dude, you could suck my dick as much as you wanted. Dude, for one of those fucking king-sized sticker bars back in the day, you could have fucked me for it. Homeboy could definitely manipulate me into getting it. I wouldn't understand. I wouldn't know what was going on. I was a super trustworthy kid and I was very fat.

If you had a slightly cold Dr. Pepper, you could have fucked me. Game over. Yeah, and I wouldn't even know how to describe it because I had a hard time even looking at people. Yeah. Good luck having me testify against you in court. Yeah, I sort of was like a mild-mannered

child, so I wouldn't really even know how to point to my penis or my ass. Yeah. I felt it inappropriate. I didn't know where my ass was until I grew up. Yeah, so it was hard for me to... I was just wiping my whole lower half, hoping it was my ass.

I was rubbing on my knee and shit. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, man. Here's the thing um all in all in good jest i do think because you get this stranger danger like hey man don't somebody says they're your dad's friend don't get in don't get in the car with them i think the problem for me was is that i got picked up a lot by my dad's friends

they were like hey it's hey it's stinky john i'm like oh hey stinky john what's up they're like hey your buddy's house i'm here to take you back home i'm like oh okay nothing bad ever happened i think it's just because my dad sometimes did not need to drive a car it happens you know sometimes you have to how many times you think you've driven drunk like 5 000 not that many okay less than a thousand you think sub 1000 sub 1000 man hopefully sub 1000 for sure i probably would say comfortably without making myself out to seem like a good or bad person just kind of a healthy guess probably like close to a thousand yeah I think you got me beat probably

maybe over because I do think there was like a good two three year period there where I was pretty much driving drunk every day so I think I think about like actually you know what it was wait do you count driving on pills is driving like drunk uh yeah yeah let's go ahead and count that one as well okay then i think that's that's definitely up there for sure i think it's definitely more than

i don't think don't think you get to be like yeah i just did pills. To the cop? Yeah. That's not a DUI. That's just pills. No, a doctor didn't give them to me. No, I got it from a girl that lives on the street. I didn't get it. It's not fucking. I wasn't driving drunk.

I was driving on pills, which is. Listen. Okay, fine. If on pills count, then it's probably... Yeah, I mean, I don't know. I used to think that I couldn't go to jail if I drove high on pills. It just didn't make any sense. Yeah, you can. It's a thing.

You definitely can. Pretty easy. One of the easiest things to do is take a bunch of pills and then go to jail. It's one of the main reasons why people take them is you end up in jail

at some point. It's fine. Yeah. Yeah. They're really mad at you when you get there. Listen. Yeah.

Officer, here's the thing. I only ate 10 Vicodin today. So I haven't had any beers So you can't make me Blow into the thing Which means I can't go to jail It's just enough painkiller To like Kill a

Like a Like a pony Pony It's just enough Dilaudid to like Kill like two or three Grown guys You know

It's just It's fucking It's just enough fucking What did you call it hospice medication oh my god that's one of my favorite like interjections you were like like you got i forget exactly what city the context used and it was something like yeah you hung out for like five years and just did hospice medication it's just like a very it's a very accurate but sort of like a good zinger way to describe it like it's like it's hard to get viking nowadays and so like i guess when i had that little run i was lucky yeah dude i got viking like, getting my wisdom teeth out, and I think that was it.

They didn't give it to me, probably. I'm like, what a mystery. But my mom drove me there, and this was a pretty rock and roll time in my life. I was doing good, and they put me under. So I'm 99% sure that the reason, like, I got, like, some bullshit fucking other thing. I'm pretty sure my mom was like, hey, this guy's asleep, right? They're like, yeah.

And they're like, you can't give him anything stronger than, like, a big horse Advil. Because he's just sort of like an idiot. Yeah. Yeah. This goes out to all the moms out there. This goes out to all the, I got out to all the I got Chinese takeout Damn And you need to come

Check this Thing out Yeah Chinese takeout More like The Chinese are trying to take us out Yeah we have to kill them first This is it

All this new technology I fucking Dude I do not like the Chinese Yeah Ban Chinese Ban Chinese technology from the border of cyber intelligence

immediately and exponentially. Yeah. Hijack a TED Talk. Hijacks Chinese cyber intelligence promptly. Do it immediately. Bring the whole mainframe down from the

outside in. Yeah. Get somehow hired to the Department of Defense Cybersecurity Division. Yeah, I want cybersecurity to be expensive as hell because I'm going to be the only one doing it. Tony Johnny, thank you for

applying for the head of cybersecurity. Tony Johnny, you just got fucking fired, you dumbass bitch. Yeah. You're going to get fired someday. Mind my words. Because your girl ain't want to meet even on the rent bill. It's not going to work out too well. Yeah.

Yeah. Oh, man, Tony Johnny. Tommy Jones Mr. Tommy and me Walking in that train I don't Okay We were watching James Charles videos earlier

We had to turn him off because Thomas was getting too fucking worried I was getting bricked up as hell No shame in my game. I kept thinking about the life we could have had together. It was me and James Charles. He's being like, hey, Thomas, everything okay back there? I'm like, yeah, I'm doing good. Thank you for asking.

Would you like me to go weed around your trailer, make it look all pretty? He says, no, Thomas, I must move it. Act like you've been here before. I say, I haven't been here before. So that's why. Anyway. Oh, I was just explaining to people before you went down that trip down memory lane with James. James.

Huh? James. Mr. Charles. Thomas Charles. went down that trip down memory lane with james that uh huh james mr charles james thomas charles yeah that's that's my thomas charles sounds cooler two first names can be really gay like a guy whose name is like i don't know like kevin chad like you get fucked brother i feel like charles is the same name as Thomas But like But like a Like a William Charles Like you sound like royalty dude Thomas William Fucking Yeah for sure

Thomas Jonathan Thomas King Thomas British Thomas Thomas Thomas Language How about that

You like that one Thomas Language English. King James Bible. Thomas. Thank you. Thomas Shakespeare. Hello, it's me, Thomas Shakespeare, everybody. Thank you for coming to the

one-act play in the park with Thomas Shakespeare. I'm Tommy Drama. Series actor. Hey, everybody. You've heard about my cousin, Tommy Johnny, I'm Tommy Drama. Tommy. Serious actor. Serious. Hey, everybody. You've heard about my cousin, Tommy Johnny, local New Jersey wig. I'm his cousin, Tommy Drama.

Tommy Drama. Tommy Drama. Need I still introduce myself? If you don't know who Tommy Drama is, it's Tommy Shakespeare's son. If you don't know time a drama is Tommy Shakespeare's son if you don't know Tommy drama is you're not going fucking nowhere you're not gonna make it in this city kid you don't know anything about Tommy you can't make it in L if you can't make it in LA you can't make it anywhere and that's Tommy drama promise yes Tommy John promise You're related to the professor Tommy Language correct Yes

Professor Chris Language Curious man Eyes like an eagle I remember Chris Language Professor Chris Language Yes I remember in the early 2000s Professor Chris Language

Language Used to always Sort of squib squib and squalor with yes grab women's arm fat and just rip it clean out C-section scars. I don't know. I don't know. He was so fast. That's pretty impressive. He was known for being quite the violent man. Tommy, Tommy,

Professor Chris Language. But the problem, you know, is that not every man can, Yes. can live as a successful life as Chris, Christopher Language. But now Thomas Language was another topic drama. I mean, it sounds like one of those fucking YouTubers

that really hopeless kids are obsessed with. All right, let me ask you something. I don't know how easy this is for you, because for me, I already know my answer. Would you rather your son be, like, like, clearly a future, like, mass murderer or be really into, like, like, YouTubers? Like, just one of those YouTube-obsessed,

kind of like, I'm going to be a content creator type kids. Like, he watches James Charles and Tommy Drama videos. like he watches James Charles and Tommy drama videos I'm fine with the low tier intelligence son oh you don't want the killer son yeah just cuz I feel like it'll be way easier to raise a stupid kid then a killer some killer kids are like smart though yeah that's I'm saying I I don't fucking want to deal with that shit. I want a dumbass kid like everybody else. I don't want to have a smart kid who gets the thing he ends up accidentally getting good at is killing women. Yeah, dude, I don't want credit for that. I want to be stupid enough to where they're like, ah, he didn't know.

I'm sure he had no idea. Yeah, what if your son's just really retardedly obsessed with YouTuber drama? Shit, I'll learn about it. I don't fucking care. Damn, did you hear Trisha? She was spitting tea on fucking Speedy. On the poop room. At the fucking, at the,

at the back door room. They were talking shit on Hassan. I was listening to the, I think it's been doing this every 10 minutes, so I'm watching it now, because it's been, we've been having technical difficulties that like the laptop records for 10 minutes.

Yeah. Yeah. And, uh and uh talking about here we go we're gonna see 30 seconds that's fine tommy johnny um yeah you're fucking your kid he could be just chopping off a dog's tail or he could be like, did you see that Tinky and Mikey Mike have beef on the Uh-Oh No Show? Yeah. I think I'd rather have... I don't think I'd like either of these sons. They both sound like bitches. They both sound like bitch to me.

They both sound like they suck Majorly Listen as As a father myself I think I would rather have the serial killer son Here's the reason why Get him to wear cool leather jackets maybe Yeah so Serial killers are in right now

Which means they're gonna fall out of favor Which means the cycle of Obsessive Fanaticism Is a sort of cultural thing we'll circle back around to serial killers being cool again i probably won't have kids for another like five years or like fuck i guess i'm older than i thought your eggs are drying up yeah i gotta start dude my eggs are so fucked i went to the doctor and he told me that my eggs were really like so when your eggs go back they to the doctor and he told me that my eggs were really like,

so when your eggs go bad, the doctor calls it getting nutty. Oh. And so my eggs are starting to enter getting nutty. And if they enter complete in their nut cycle, then my eggs are bad. Yeah, they're thinking about my balls are so huge, they're thinking about sending me a pair of them. Because they've got them at the doctor's office. They've got all the copies

my penis is so huge the doctor's thinking about having having it modeled for the the desktop toy yeah it could be worth a lot of money pretty sure you run into an old friend for like the first time you haven't seen his high school you just guys are your 10-year reunion you know you guys are sharing success stories it's like it's like you know the doctor yeah uh doctor asked me for a model of my penis said it could be worth a lot a lot of yeah oh it's just had your things yeah it could be worth it here's the thing is a lot of people aren't aware how much money it could be worth. But I do. Hey, your podcast is cool, Thomas.

I heard that you guys I heard that the other guy died. Yeah. Real sad. Yeah. Jake got bit by a snake. Jake got bit by a piece. He got he got bit by a vine. He got bit by a vine. He got bit by

a big bug. It's about the size of an egg. About the size of an egg. So. Jake got bit by a big ass bug about the size of an egg. Yeah, I was believe. It was very sad. But, you know, I adopted his son, Tommy Johnny.

Oh, Jummy Tommy. Tommy to Jummy to Dickinson Maxwell. Sulphur Pit Roads. Man, don't you wish you had the other half of the edible? I think I could probably handle it now. I wouldn't. I wouldn't take it. Why not, man? I'm not having anything else. I wouldn't. I wouldn't take it. Why not, man?

I'm not having anything else. I'm all set. You know? I wonder how many... I think I only had, like, not a lot. Yeah, that's good. Good for you. I had no candy.

You didn't have no candy? No candy, no. Oh, you just smoked the Zazer. All I did was smoke the Zazer. I didn't do any of the edibles. What, I told you that they tasted good. Your eyes lit up more than I'd ever... I know, they lit up, but then I was like,

dude, you can't just fucking eat edibles like candy. You tried that last time we hung out. You had a really bad... No, I only had two. They were like 300 milligrams. You're 150 or some shit. They were fine. They were little guys. You couldn or some shit. They were fine. They were little guys.

You couldn't even tell I was high. People had no idea. Yeah, it's pretty normal for a guy I've known as long as I've known you to just stare into an empty brown paper bag. Hey, it happens. We all do it. We all do it. Some in private, some in person.

We stare at a spoon for a while. Yeah, you just stare at your feet for a while. Yeah, you just stare at your feet for a while, yeah. That's true. No way around it. You know, I've been thinking about guests to get on the show lately, and I think we're big enough to where probably could get Jimmy Fallon. I just want to ask him, like, are the rumors true? Like, are you drunk during the show, or do you just look like that?

He looks miserable, man. Does he have to do that shit every night? I know it's called a night show. Nobody call me a fucking moron. But does he do that shit every goddamn night? Can you Google that for me? I'll do my best. She'll have the result back in probably 20 minutes.

Okay. Does Jimmy Fallon do that shit every night? Did that Were you on a website called Gay Test? Let me see what I was on No, I was on James Charles I was seeing how big his YouTube was Oh, I thought you were I know, I know what it said

The ad said Gay Test The ad said Gay Test Because I kept looking up facts about James Charles I was trying to see how gay you are. Now, what am I looking up here? Do they do the Jimmy show every Jimmy? Jimmy Fallon show every

night? I think they take Sundays off. I don't want to know about the tonight show. It's weeknights. Dude, that sucks. Monday through Friday, you have a job? The whole point of trying to get that big is to not have a job.

It's to be a sort of layabout. Yeah, it's weeknights at 11.35 p.m. Eastern. So he has to go to work at like 8 p.m.? He works nights? Get the fuck out of here. Fuck that. Fuck that shit, dude. I know that he probably has like five quadrillion dollars,

but it's like, there's no way that's where... Look, you get as big as where you can host a Tonight Show and then you have to do it every night? That's so gay. Literally do anything else. He'll be fine. You think literally do anything else he'll be fine you think so yeah he'll be alright

Jimmy Fallon looks like shit dude I wanna fucking kill him yeah I find his I find my drive towards him nearly inescapable

just approach a girl to bar hey I just found my drive towards you pretty inescapable. Yeah, I have to pursue you. Yeah, yeah. The thing is that I found this fucking primal urge within my fucking heart and mind

to stand next as close as I can to you without this becoming sort of a problem where the police get involved. I have a primal urge to approach you violently, aggressively. Hello. Hello. Hi. Hi. Hello.

It's me. It's me, Jonathan. What are you talking about? Hey, it's me. I'm Tommy Johnny's brother. I'm Tommy Johnny.

Hello. I'm a tiny Johnny. You're Italian now? It's me. I thought you were a wigger from New Jersey. I am a wigger. I am just a little wigger. But I still love to cook.

Oh, that's good to hear, Tommy Johnny. Tommy Johnny. I come from a big Italian family. You're very getting close to the racist Chinese voice. Hello. It is me again, Tommy Johnny. It is me, Tommy Johnny. Chinese Tommy Johnny.

Oh, man. It's just fucking goddamn Wellspring. You can never get enough of Tom, man. You can never get enough of Tom, man. You can never get enough of Tom. That's what we're changing the show to. We're going to do like a late show style vibe. Fucking Johnny Tani. So you're going to work all the video episodes.

We're going to dump money. We do not. We can't get approved for a company credit card. But sometimes that happens. Wait till they see the power of inspiration. I think it's going to go a long way with us. I just... That's what our credit union needs.

Yeah, we need to tell our credit card companies that we need a credit card with $50,000 on it or something. Just fucking why not? What's the worst that could happen? Give two wildly irresponsible guys a sapphire card I regret us but I was investing all our money into into crypto that the you guys gave us but it's all gone now so yeah Thomas won he doesn't have to the show anymore he actually does this out of the kind of his heart Thomas actually was up what like 86 bucks probably actually it's probably close to 85 million oh okay

okay okay yeah because i'm not to correct you but i'm did you have crypto when we first started this you did have money like you'd like uh yeah so i fucking i fucked up a little bit. I lost over $1,000 on crypto. Oh, that happens sometimes. So basically, in 2018, 2019, I had a warehouse job. I was sober for it. So I wasn't making crazy money, but I was working a lot of hours. So in my head I had good money.

You're making like 500 a week. Yeah. And, uh, I remember, I think I, and that's all there. That's all she wrote on that one.

What happened to your brain just now? Tommy Johnny. Um, well, Tommy started talking to Johnny At the same time And so They started tag teaming me And basically Tommy started talking to Johnny And when Tommy and Johnny get to talking baby

You better get to running There's nothing you can fucking do You are so fucked You have to go to bed soon Which is weird. The same girl at the same bar. Look, I had a primal urge to approach you aggressively. And I need you to let you know that Tommy and Johnny have been talking.

Tommy and Johnny have been talking. It's bad news for you. They said I tried to get the... It's looking rough. It's looking gruesome for you. That's okay. It's looking really grim for you What's your name? Esmeralda? That's nice Oh man, so

Anyway, I was over there minding my own business by the jukebox I was just sipping on my club soda And Tommy and Johnny got doing their little chatting And Tommy and Johnny typically don't talk Okay? Tommy and Johnny are not nice guys But they got to chatting And first it was just whispers And Tommy and Johnny typically don't talk, okay? Tommy and Johnny are not nice guys. But they got to chatting.

And first it was just whispers, and then it became shouting. You know, they were just saying, you know. Because you know how Tommy starts talking. Yeah, oh, yeah. And then Johnny gets going. And anyway, it's about to get really nasty for you. I can't wait. Tommy and Johnny are very excited. They're super good and active guys.

They're active in their community. This is maybe the sleepiest I've ever been in my whole life. No, we've done sleepier ones. I think this episode's made sense. I thought this episode made sense, But I think because I'm tired And also incredibly high That uh Yeah we were gonna try and get Mr. Stinky on as a guest

But no luck so far Instead of Mr. Stinky we got Tommy Johnny Yeah so Mr. Stinky We'll bring you a treat He said Yeah, so Mr. Stinky will bring you a treat. He said, He's really rude about it. Yeah, look, after he got that big show deal, he's been kind of stuck up, that Mr. Stinky.

Yeah, I don't fuck with him anymore. I like to kick him over when he's headed over to his car. How tall is Mr. Stinky? Mr. Stinky is two feet tall. Almost the size of a turd. Wait, two feet tall? Two feet tall turd. Who would that belong to? You heard it here first, folks.

I'm just saying it could happen easier than you think. Yeah, it'sier than you think Yeah It's closer than you look brother Yeah there's nothing wrong with that either Oh man I'm so glad Listen I'm so glad that we got to see This episode had so many great guys

It had Tommy Johnny It had Tamina Jamina Dickinson It had Tommy Johnny It had Johnny Tommy Johnny. It had Johnny Tommy. Correct. Correct. It had Tommy and Johnny talking in an unnamed character's head.

It's perfect. Honestly, this is peak podcasting. I was supposed to be in bed like four hours ago. Yeah, we can go to bed whenever. We got eight minutes left, man. Eight minutes? Yeah. That looks more like almost there.

Almost to seven. I'm sorry. I'm just kidding. Don't ever rush. What are you guys doing right now? You guys. Hey, talk to the radio. Let's have a conversation.

We'll riff with you. Here we go. What do you do for work? That's awesome man How long you been doing that? Wow That's great I love that for you Okay yeah

So you've been working there a while You got an apartment Or like you got your own place? Oh yeah So you've been working there a while. You got an apartment or, like, you got your own place? Oh, yeah. That's awesome, man. Do you have a – what kind of pets do you have? I got a triangle. Wait, you're not – this is them.

They're talking to us on the radio. Oh, yeah. Do you like your boss, man? You ever – hey, man. Hey, yeah. Do you like your boss, man? You ever... Hey, man. Hey, brother. You ever look at your toenails? They probably look bad. You got to grow a tree.

Hey, check, are you over your mileage? You should get your oil checked and then maybe changed if you can afford it. That's not me being mean. I just want you to make sure that you keep the oil change in your car. It's pretty important. Yeah. I just want you to make sure that you keep the oil change in your car. It's pretty important. Yeah. How big is it? What kind of shoes do you like wearing,

playboy? You like wearing them around the house? It just became three in the morning, dog. Yeah, because the clock went forward. Oh, fuck. Yeah. Yeah. This would be awesome. I got a Yeah cause the The clock went forward Oh fuck Yeah Yeah This is gonna be awesome I gotta

I gotta I got A dinner and birthday tomorrow For not me So who gives a shit Right bro Awesome Awesome bro

Ay So what we get drunk So what we smoke weed I'm on planet Blump And my friends are Thneeds And we we drink glunk

And we got blow per pee With my Glump and jump And speed That was beautiful man Thank you What's the title of that song It's called That was beautiful, man. Thank you. What's the title of that song?

It's called Glee. That's what I call it. That's awesome, man. Thank you for singing that for me. Yeah, you're welcome. I figured you'd be super bummed out without me. No, yeah. I'm glad that you... No, no.

I had to do it. That's why. I saved your life. How to save a life. Can you sing that one? Yeah. How to stay alive. My favorite song.

I love that song, dude. Yeah, dude. It was in all the hospitals. What if you could teach me how to stay alive? Oh, wait. What? I'm just doing the tune. That's not the tune, man.

Yeah, there you go tune That's not the tune man Yeah there you go That's it Yeah I have zero idea If that's how the song goes I only know that part Because all the hospital Shows in like the Late 90's

Early 2000's Nah Early to mid 2000's Like Scrubs And Grey Grey Hospital. What's that show called? Grey's

Anatomy. Yeah, yeah. And then Doctor Hospital. Doctor House. Doctor Hospital. How to shave a guy. You grab his balls

and his balls and you grab his perms and then his back. How to shave. How to shave. How to shave. My dad used to say how to shave my wife, which got me pretty good. Oh, yeah. Thanks, Dad.

That's pretty sick. Cool, man. Cool, awesome, Dad. Thanks, man. Thank you, Father. Father, I would like a pink jelly insert. Father, a pink jelly insert, Dad. Thanks, man. Thank you, Father. Father, I would like a pink jelly insert. Father, a pink jelly insert, please. I would really like a pink jelly insert.

Salmon cylinder, please, sir. Yes, please. Please give me salmon. Please. Jummy Tommy. Please. Anything y'all can do for me? Is there anything else I can give you folks or are you ready for the check?

Yeah. Yeah. What else can I give for you? Yeah. Dude, you are zoning out seriously. That's something I've noticed the last few minutes. How am I zoning out? What do you mean?

Well, every time I wake up, you're just over there. Talking? Fucking zoned out. It's starting to concern me. All right. About your well-being. Oh, Sleepy Jake over here. Oh, fucking.

Oh, Sleepy Jake just woke up podcasting. I saw it in my own, both of my own two eyes. My own two dicks. We need to start a pop punk band. Yeah, man, that would be pretty sick. What do you want to call it? Teen Lover. Okay.

Okay. Yeah, I like that because it takes you back to high school, you know? Yeah. We were teen lovers. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, Teen Lover. How would you spell it? Like a normal spelling? that because it like takes you back to high school you know yeah we were teen lovers yeah yeah yeah teen lover how would you spell it like a normal spelling e e e e e e e e n okay so t l u o u o u o u o u all the um uh and then essentially you work your way from there. So teen lover is the name of the band.

Yeah. Teen lover. And what kind of, so we're playing pop punk. Uh, what's the name of the first album? Um, uh, it, it hurts to fuck you. Okay. Yeah. It hurts to fuck you Okay Yeah Okay And it's like an honest story of like

Where a guy loves getting pussy Yeah And then he He finds out that his brother killed somebody Okay And then the person The girl that he's dating was just like his brother oh it's like he can't even look his brother in the face okay so hence the name of the album yeah it's hard to

date you it's hard to be your boyfriend okay what's how many songs are on the album uh i think like 91 okay i haven't figured out can you give, some, some, what's the first single from It Hurts to Fuck You by Teen Lovers? The first single from It Hurts to Fuck You. It hurts to put a condom on it. Fuck you. Okay.

Okay. So Teen Lovers, the pop punk band Teen Lovers album, It Hurts to Fuck You. The single off of it is It Hur hurts to put a condom on and fuck you. Yeah. Yeah, more specifically.

Okay, okay. It hurts to wear a condom. Is that the song you did the music video for? What's the song you did the music video for? I did the song for It Hurts to Do Pull-Ups Without a Condom. And then another one, hurts to this one was by Matt Waller it hurts to find a rabbit in your yard who will fuck you okay but you said there was 91 songs so 91 songs 110 single artists over 500 singles and to this day in terms of speedometer goes and everything one of the greatest we've seen in the game okay what do you think of that i think that's

about it i think we're about done here everybody good everybody be on the lookout for teen lovers album it hurts to fuck you and check out that single it hurts to fuck you and put on a condom here. Everybody be on the lookout for Teen Lovers album It Hurts to Fuck You and check out that single. It Hurts to Fuck You and put on a condom to fuck you. Bye.

Bye.