Pendejo Time - tourrrrific

Episode Date: October 1, 2025

Yeah, I support Xi Jinping because she all up on my gin whenever I go in peeing. Yeah, I sure. Years of our lives We're just now questioning Cheat, I've been been sleeping on a body. I love having a body that, like, disgusting.

I might sleep on that couch. There's a king-sized bed in there, so if you want to... Yeah, hey, boys, yeah, fucking... Are we on? Yeah, we're on, we're on, run, right. And we're back. We're saying all the slurs. We're saying another episode of...

I would say I hate all those slurs. Dude, the Uber driver we had was listening to music in Swahili earlier, and he was dressed like for a job interview where he was using a beautiful button-up shirt and, like, square-toed cowboy boots. And I was like, my man, you're more American than I am. I said, I feel ashamed of myself, buddy, compared to you. What are you ethnically, Irish? Ethnically, Christian. Yes, that's not an ethnicity.

I disagree. I'll go to Turkey and tell them that, see if they believe it. If I go to Turkey, they'd probably say, bach, pock, pock. You know, you'll think this is funny. My mom got mad at me because my mom. Make that a clip, Nick. Let's see. Nick, boom.

Clip it. My mom got mad at me because I told my mom. that Jesus' name, like, how he was known in Nazareth, was Yeshua bin Yusuf. Yeah. And she was like, no. And I was like, no, like they spoke Aramaic where he lived in Copernum. And Jesus Christ is a name that literally came like in the third or fourth century. He was known as Yeshua bin Yusuf, and she goes, that sounds Muslim.

So you were worshipping a guy whose name is Yeshua bin Luce Neff. um your buttons falling out there's like a good old fucking Calvinist American that's like well actually history teaches us that his name was Jesus Joseph

believe it or not according to my book he was actually a white American man and he worked he worked as an elevator maintenance man for Otis he was in the union

in Long Beach he was in a union but in the kind that doesn't steal for Americans type of fellow that that hates immigration just because they know they're going to lower the average pay for the work. As far as I know, Jesus worked with Squidward. You might know Jesus Christ.

He said a lot of the same stuff, Chandler from Friends said. He was quirky, just like Chandler and Ross. And just like David Schwimmer, he is now an instrument for the Israeli Empire. Do you know how I met your brother? Well, there's a character in that just like our Lord Jesus Christ. It's so funny to like realize that You're Jewish right We're cool with that

We're cool Yeah, we're cool Yeah Max Schenker Local Jew Everyone here has been We've all We've all thumbs up the Jew shit

You're not gonna know this person But I got drunk And you can tell by his face It's a Polish Josephus There's a lady And I wish I didn't recognize that You're not going to know this person

I wish I hadn't categorized everybody I used to work at a hat store that catered specifically to the music festival scene. Respectfully, that was very huge. Back in my Wook days. And I realized a couple times I needed to quit. Are we still going? Oh, yeah. People were trying to barter acid with me.

But a guy was like, oh, dude, come to my house. I'll sell you dabs. And he gave me a big old dab. We were playing NHL 2019. Yeah. And I was beating him. And then he was like, he was a big guy. He's looking at me.

He goes, he's like, staring at me. He goes, you Polish? It was like, uh, kind of. Buddy, you wish. He goes, your face looks it. And I was like, I think I should leave. Yeah. Yeah.

So, so Max used to work in this Polish hat story. And the hardest part was getting everybody to figure out what part of the body the hat went on. Yeah. They were doing it. No. There was a difficult thing. It was how many assistants is it take to. put a hat on a Polish guy. It was

a big thing. I don't think it's a big deal race-wise. It was the, it was a dog Polish isn't a race, it's just a condition. You don't think it's a big deal race guy until you get five Polish guys in a room and realize none of them would turn on the fucking damn lives. Japan just cured Polishness. It turns out

the train couldn't go unless it was full of him. How did Japan cure Polishness? It was a weight issue, yeah. Well, they cured down syndrome, which is Polishness. The same thing, yeah. You guys have less chromosomes. They were like, what if we squint and we don't see it anymore?

That should not be on the final product, but it will be ultimately. This eyes are so wide. I love when Thomas is like, I produce the show. I don't cut anything unless it makes me look bad. When I say something like that, I know Nick, our producer, will clip it, and it will make me look super bad. Then people will say, why did Thomas say that? No response from Nick.

I would literally never say something racist unless it's funny and it makes you guys laugh. Right. Other than that, never. I've known you. You give us an example. Like when you say that Chinese people are bad drivers but they're good cooks, what were you saying the other day when it's like, oh, Chinese people hate you if you're black because they give you delicious fried chicken because they want to kill you?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, oh, is that racist? It's not racist, however, I will say, and I was saying this the other day, when you look at the Chinese food served in black neighborhoods, it makes you kind of realize the extent of the tensions between those

races, because chopped up wings over fries is not Chinese food that served to white people under any circumstances. If a white person order that, they say, no, that's not what we, we don't want to give you that. The black person says that, they say, okay, $7.

And you die. from bad blood. Okay, no problem. We put extra MSG in that for you. If you want, I wipe my hand with my ass and put it in the chicken meat for you. I went to Chinatown. I'm from Texas, right? So I'm like, mentally retarded. I went to

Chinatown in New York, and I saw women. And these women. Oh, hell no. They're, these are... I saw bitches. They're old women. Talking about these women old as hell. These women, old... They're in their 60s. And they're courts.

What are they? They're filled with foldable chairs And they're passing each other They're passing these chairs left and right What are you guys sitting in all these chairs for? Talking about old Chinese bitches I got no idea what's going on it If I was a cop I'd start and try to do it

I was in I mean that's why they made the movie I was working in Bay Ridge the other day Mostly Chinese neighborhood in Brooklyn And this one random lady comes up to me And she goes Are you guys gonna do anything about the gambling around here? I see all these people gambling on the streets. You work for the Parks Department.

I work for the Parks Department. Officer Thomas. Are you guys going to do anything about this gambling? I keep calling 3-1-1. Nothing happens. And I say... I love you. And I say, well, they send me out here to cut the grass.

I'm sorry the Chinese people are gambling out here, but I really can't... I don't have any authority to stop. We do love that about it. I say, have you tried calling the cities? I call and I complain all. day and they don't do anything about it and I said oh my god I can't believe that

I really can't believe that yeah I would just keep calling then I don't do anything about dude Chinese people gambling I trust Chinese people to gamble responsibly Oh dude they look okay Do Chinese people fucking kill each other over gambling No

You're not like oh my god did you hear Jackie Chan Can got killed in a dice game no That doesn't happen if a Chinese fella Loses it a dice game do you know what he does One of these Hits him with a No I lost it

It's a game No according to Live League They jump inside Of an iron melting machine They jump inside of a fucking melding machine We used to do an open mic We did this open mic We did this open mic called Forte Hoca Lounge

I was on Wicker Shamed Riverside They had this hookah Lounge on Wicker Shaman Riverside That if you walked in Sure you could buy hookah And you could do comedy But right outside

Like in the same area Where like you'd go to the bathroom There was another door. Oh, what happens when you open that door? Slot machines. It was filled with Chinese people playing slot machines. And a cop. There's a cop in there with a real-ass pistol and a real-ass badge that said APD.

They were doing illegal gambling in there. Or legal gambling. Who cares? What's legal and what's illegal? They were doing gambling there. You could buy shit. You could gamble. You could do real cards.

We did comedy in there. It was also an open-air drug market. It's where I'd go to buy. That sounds sick. Yeah. I'd walk in there, and I'd say, who here has Vicodin, three different, like, four-foot-five black guys? They shouldn't know why. I'd say, sure, and they would just give you Vicodin, yeah.

Yeah, and the Chinese fell in a run in it. You could walk up to the guy and be like, hey, I want a hookah, and do you know anyone here selling white China heroin? And they'd be like, d'etafia over there would have said you would, white a China heroin. It was incredible. It was shut down, obviously. Years later, I swear to God, this is true. Years later, I'm on Guadalupe, which is like a little. college area town in Austin and I go to a smoke shop and the guy at the smoke shop's like hey man

do you do comedy and I was like oh my god yes I'm so famous I absolutely do comedy and he's like I used to own a uh uh uh hooka lounge that was paid for by a cartel in Houston that was like Chinese fellas like Asian fellas and I was like okay right on he's like yeah they paid me money just so I could do that illegal gambling I bought like a you know cigarettes or pipe from him whatever fucking a few months later in the in the in the in the in the in the in the in the Texas times the Texas Tribune there's a story about this guy's smoke shop where he had a bathroom where he had a camera installed in the toilet and he was videotaping girls pissing and then selling it on the internet can I tell you something man I'm not even fucking

with you dude I just realized something and this is 100% real not for the episode you just my mother used to go to Galveston and Houston game rooms okay and my mother is what they would call in the medical industry addicted to Chinese slot machines and pissing for money and my mom told me that her favorite game room got shut down because they were filming girls peat I swear to God I swear to God

I swear to God the same fucking I swear to God dude because my mom so like my like if you listen to the show if you listen to the show my dad was like a fucking crackhead but my mom she's a gambling addict she's been a gambling addicts and she's a teenager and she told me her favorite game room was this place in

Kima which is like I know Kema yeah it's a New Jersey boardwalk but for Galveston so it's a big boardwalk with like illegal gambling halls boardwalk games and then like Mexican and seafood restaurant it's right next to Seabrook yes it is my wife's from she's white yeah yeah she's like literally like her whole family

my mom was like we almost talk about Russia Shana in a video we sent her and you said though. Yeah. Oh, she would not like to hear about Rosh Hashanah. My wife says she's sick of bankers on the TV. JT. My mom goes, my mom goes, oh my God, you know, because she played at this, she played at

this fucking game room, dude, for like 10 years. She goes, you know, you know, Corey's old place? Because I was really fucking, dude, my mom used to hustle people with me. I was, I'm really good at Hold'em. And she would bring me her retarded son. She'd be like, my boy's going to play Hold'em. Is that okay? She taught me to play Holden when I was nine years old

And I would take old men to the fucking cleaners So my wife with threes So we were at this game room And I would clean house with her at Texas Holden But she stopped taking me I never knew why And then I don't know This was like 2000

The fucking housing crisis We lost her house And she was stopped gambling And she goes oh I stopped going to that place And see Brooke I said why What happened? I know you weren't taking me to the Holdham games no more And she said

oh, I went to take a piss in a bathroom and there's a camera in the toilet pisser and they were filming girls' pussies in the bathroom. I want to believe, in my heart of hearts, that the guy you're talking about was filming my mom. I pray to God.

I pray to God there's not so many piss circles in Texas. There can't be that. You guys don't know each other. They're everywhere because we get in Chicago all the time. We're fixing. You got to shut down. this bar because there was double

two-sided mirrors and cameras everywhere and they're just watching people I'm like a horny fella like I feel like I'm in horny as they come you're horny what do you mean you're in your own room yeah I do I would like for you guys to be shirtless it would we were doing it earlier you were talking about the muscles only Thomas has

oh dude show him Thomas show them no no no no no that's a take it can I please Ashley she loves you she's you're one of my favorite friends of yours she goes j t has this thing about him he's like so he's like so faggy i've been told that by a lot of women and she didn't say faggy by the way i said that she goes he's so like he's like my friend cody and her friend cody is a faggotit like is a straight up like goofy guy that he's married to a man and i was like faggy and she goes i don't want you

to say that she loves you as my friend because she views you as harmless because you when you were doing a video episode at our house she was cleaning the kitchen and you were like Jake you have to talk to me about Tom because Tom is such a fucking crazy guy and she remembers that to the not you it was a different guy was a guy from Creek

I'm not a crazy guy I'm probably the most normal guy she she thought you were such a gay acting motherfucker that you could not possibly introduce me to any separate type of pussy I also look at mine when I do it in comedy all my friends are

I don't have that going on. I don't know what he does in his microphone. He's just putting it in work. Hey. He was yellow crusts on his microphone. Y'all don't be talking over. Don't. Sorry.

This is something I noticed. You have to talk into the mic, by the way. I know, well, that's why I was trying that. Oh, I know, I'm kidding. I'm jacking you off. Yeah, yeah, I'm jacking you. He, I want to see. So, Jake offered to Jack Max off just now.

That's something we can really do to come to get more views. It's the high holidays. What do we just started doing? It's not for us, actually. But I'll share it. Because I don't really understand My wife would not like that episode There's a new song that Kung Fu Kenny put it

It's called Not Like Us I don't know if you guys have heard it But it's actually really powerful Dude They're not like us They not like us And Max and I were at the bar earlier And I took a $40 to gamble

How did you not give me out? Oh tell my wife I'm not doing something bad And what did you try to tell my wife? I said it's for Rush Ashana And I was like not that man My wife's a text It's a blood sacrifice

Yeah no no Oh, yeah, we're going to molest children or something. Roro Shana. You're going to kill your Savior again. It's actually a beautiful blessing that I received and you didn't. My wife didn't know what Judaism was until October 7th. When my wife, when she found out what was going on, she was like, yo, what is going on with them? And I was like, I swear to God, it's not all.

Okay, most of them. Babe, you know Jesus? You know how he had a different relationship? Do you know how we love him? Yeah. Do you know the guy that we love? I got bad news. Yeah.

You know? The Italian mob killed him. Dude, the most Christian I've ever felt is our bro Lando, this comedian in Austin. Oh my God. He went to, he was telling me about, like, doing like a pilgrimage out to Saudi Arabia and stuff, and I'm not even trying to do a bit. Like, we were, he's like, boy, we were chit-chatty. He's also a men's rights activist. He said, fuck, yes.

He went to prison and became Muslim after being like a drug dealer. Absolutely. He was like a blood, went to Army bases. Total cool story. We're chit-chatty in the green room. And he goes, oh, I went to the Holy Land. And I was like, oh, and he goes, I saw Muhammad's tomb. And I said, what did they do when he left the tomb?

And he said, what do you mean? I was like, what did Muslims do when he rose from the dead? And he was like, Muhammad didn't rise from the dead. And I was like, I am not trying to be that way. But like, you know our guy rose from the dead, right? He's one of their guys, too. Yeah, oh, dude, they love him. And they believe he were,

they think that he was... Wait, real quick, talking about men's rights, I'm so excited to drive you guys through suburban Detroit because there are many billboards that say, it's an acronym is Fred, father's rights for equality and divorce. I love that. And for years,

I would get hammered in Chicago and just chant it at bars, and no one knew what I was saying. I'm that type of guy, too. So, like, I know Lando doesn't watch the show, but if he did, he wouldn't care, because he's a great spot. Lando was, when me and J.T, when I started doing stand-up in Austin in 2011,

Lando was coming up. Lando is about my height, but a huge-ass black dude, bald is the day as fucking long. Big motherfucker. All right. He got sober about, I don't know,

five, six years ago, around the same time he found Ahla. Two years after prison. After he found Islam in prison, he decided to get sober. We would do this. We would do this mic at Mr. Tramps. That was the mic I was telling you about

That was 10 minutes You get 10 minutes So I'm at the Mr. Tramps 10 minutes of Mike in Austin, Texas This is one of the It's one of my favorite Austin stories Because it doesn't make sense Within the context of Austin comedy now

Because it wouldn't So Lando's going up He's got 10 minutes Talking about how women are murders For having abortions Wait He's killing For the first six minutes

He's a killer He's crushing He's doing a great thing He's doing a great bit He's like yo I grew up in this city how the fuck you got a town called Metropolis and there's only there, you know what I mean?

Because that's awesome. There's a neighborhood called Metropolis and it's only where the black people live. That sounds like a white person's neighborhood. It's just, yeah, yeah. And then, dude, he's crushing. The crowd's with him. He's doing crowd work.

He's like, what'd you do for a living man? And she's like, oh, I work in advertising. He's like, I would love for you to advertise this pussy and she's loving. White slut. And then maybe about, it's a 10 minute set, dog. Nine minutes in, he goes, all right let's get real trannies

loses the whole room immediately and the room is not responding to him believe it or not he doesn't like him no no he's saying trannies in a hateful way and he got he dude dude dude I remember the exact bit because I went after him

and I couldn't follow him not because that he crushed but because I didn't know what the fuck to say yeah And that's 19 years old. Yeah. So I'm sitting there, he goes, trannies, the room gets quiet.

Because this is like 2013. This is like the peak or the start of the like, you know, the woke stuff. Yeah. We knew it was a hurtful thing to say. Yes.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. He knew it wasn't a kind-hearted way. He's not talking about skateboarding. Yes. Yeah, yeah. He goes, hey, brothers. He goes, brothers.

You ever out of a bar somewhere you see a fine-ass mommy? And then the crowd is dead silent because he opened the bit with trannies. And he goes, you see a, fine-ass mommy and now you got a ass oh she got a penis

dude I swear to fucking God he walks the room was maybe 40 deep he walked 20 people and then he's got and by the way what he would do before he got sober in Lando you won't see this but if you do I love you he would hold this like

he would hold it like Morpheus he would hold this glass of scotch like this he'd go oh y'all walking you're walking because you don't fuck with the truth you know what I'm talking about one of my favorite Lando bits from that period is we're at a show with like six people that aren't comedians

and he gets on stage and he goes yeah I'm on probation so my wife got to so if I'm dating a girl she got to keep my gun in her purse but I'll tell you one thing most women murder children by abortion

and it was like what what wait what are you what you have to make your gun because you're a felon go in your girlfriend's purse but you're mad at women

for abortion but you're a felon. The way that the way that Patrice O'Neill like he like dude if he was a stand-up 20 years ago he would have been like like Patrice but like he was stuck out of time

because he was coming up in Austin when Austin got really like politically correct and he'd be like yo sometimes you see a gay ass and he would say you see a gay but sometimes he'd be looking hella good and his ass be fat and then he would drink

double of scotch and one gulp and he'd go and I think about fucking him but then I think about killing him and the room just just straight up makes no noise at all and then like it would be me JT and a couple guys were in the back and we're like we're all like okay

we're listening we're just going with us yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah and dude okay so I was doing the green room this is like a comedy club that's also a weed store in Austin now he was there An illegal dispensary So illegal dispensary And it's a comedy club

He's there He's sober now And it's a comedy club It's an illegal dispensary But also it's a comedy club Yeah You know I dab him up I'm like yo Lando

Like hey it's Jake Like you gave me a couple spots And I was coming up Like it's so good to see you It's good to see like you're sober now Or whatever Like it's good to see you And he was like

Hey man you are remember you dog Like you were a young guy Like it's great to see you're still doing it And then he goes up and now he's sober so he's just drinking water and he's like yo there's hell of tranny's in the

nothing's changed dude also his daughter is a stud yeah yeah yeah his daughter is a stud and I swear to God when she first came out like eight years ago he goes I'm just happy she the type of chick to be on top and I'm like yo if I was a dad

I'd probably say the same thing Lando I'd also want my girl to be the guy We became friends on Facebook, like 2012, 2013, and back when I first started, I was like, I had this fake, like, thought catalog. You know, when Mullen did the, like, Nicole Mullen thing, I had this fake. Oh, what about servers in Austin? I did the fake thing about, like, a men's rights activist, and so we became friends on Lando, and I, at Lemmy and Lando, and I was on Facebook, he was like, yo, if you ever thinking about, like, maybe you might lose custody of your kid, just think about. By straightening up, and by straightening up, I mean, getting in good with the Lord. And by being a good Lord, I mean, quit drinking that cognac, quit smoking that weed, and quit fucking them hos.

And then he would post a picture of him and his daughter in kindergarten, and you're like... The year after that, you were in federal pizance. The reason you have a photo of you and your daughter are in kindergarten, and then you and your daughter at 25... is because you did 18 years in federal prison. Landau has this story about how when he got, before he went to federal prison, he was still like a gang danger or whatever. And he goes to this, like, not in Colleen,

but like another area where they're all like, you know, army boys or whatever. And he shows up to this, like, Army boy, like, barbecue. And they're all, like, giving him shit for being a gangster. And he tells them, I'll kill you guys. And they all kind of laugh. And so he pulls out a gun and shoots it in the air. Jesus Christ.

How insane. And then they're all like, oh, my God, we don't want to die. And so he leaves. And he tells me, he was like, yeah, at the time, I thought that was really tough. Hey, Thomas, you awake, brother? Yeah, how are you, man? I saw you hide it. Dude, Thomas is a strange, snoozy, woozy.

Do you want me to tickle him? Yeah, yeah, tickle that motherfucker. I was listening to the story that JT was telling you. Yeah, I'm like a really good story. I didn't want to interrupt. Thomas, what do you have to say about the state of the world right now? I think the world is going pretty well over all. What are your favorite aspects?

Favorite aspects. I think Peru's doing amazing work right now. You're happy with Peru? I'm so happy with Peru. Nepal killing it as well. Yeah, dude. No questions about the fact that their whole revolution was in English. I love that their revolution was in English.

Papa New Guinea killing it is always, man. Love that their coffee got really good out of nowhere. Yeah. Who else? man, I can't go wrong with Mongolia, man. Yeah, they make a great barbecue. Dogs that know how to ride horses. Yeah, man.

And they got the Who with the H-U. Yeah. Dude, I saw them perform live. They were crazy good. Oh, the Mungolian throats. I saw them open for an iron maid, and they were hell of sick. I guess it shouldn't be that crazy. They worship, or they don't worship, but they're like,

their guy is like Genghis Khan. Yeah, enjoy hell. Yeah, and so, like, so that's Mongolians 6? Oh, yeah, so the Mongolians worship their warlord? How ancient. We worship a carpenter that lived in the law. I have no idea that they, like, thought that he was like,

I guess we worship Thomas Jefferson. It's pretty equivalent. But, like, when I saw who, they were like, gangh guess. Hey, Thomas. I didn't say that. The fuck did you say, dude? I said, Thomas Jefferson, that's who?

they worship a black church They don't worship him at black church They worship energy They worship the big Jesus It has the like veneers and stuff Oh dude Max You weren't here Dude veneer Jesus crushes American right

You weren't here for this Obviously because this morning We went to get some food We went to this place called The Bronsville Kitchen and Lounge And it was like one of those restaurants Like one of those black owned restaurants Where like the name should be like

Chicken thighs and motherfucking weed Yeah. So, like, the whole, all the music was, like, porno jazz, and they only served, like, rib sandwiches and chicken fried steak. And then I went to the, I went to take a piss in the bathroom. It was just pictures of Malcolm X and then Martin Luther King and Barack Obama. And then just, like, spray painted on the walls, hustle, grind, respect, love, or whatever. The white server. That's a black live.

I really like with modern history that Malcolm makes MLK and Obama are in the same category. That's your voice. It's like if I said my favorite three foods are steak, lobster, and AIDS. Yeah, and then Pop-Tarts. No, like... I really love like oysters. I've always been really into scallops. Also, when you cook piss so much that it becomes a gelatin.

Yeah, and then there's a food that kills Syrian families when they have their own. What's that type of show? that destroys your mini weddings? It's like Fago except it blows up all black families. That's what Fago does.

I'm begging you guys to get Fago. Yo, Fago does kill black families already, right? We're getting Fago. We're going to eight mile. Do they have Fago zero or a diet Fago?

No, I see P won't let that happen. That rules, dude. I'm not one of the ICP guys when I worked at Zumi's. Oh, was he Joe? Yeah, I sold him and his daughter Longboards. It's the one who was a furry daughter.

Oh, it's true. It's J, Violin J. No, the skinny one. I think that's violent. That might be Violent J. I sold an 8-ball

or one of the Flatbush zombies. That's so much better than my story. Oh, wow, that's... I can't believe they would buy drugs off. Yo! That one...

Hold on. That one crew, 29. You remember them, 2-9? Weeds an FBG duck and then he got shot in downtown Chicago. No, 2-9,

the people mentioned by Vince Staples in that one song. 2-9 did a show at Mohawk. and that same south by they go down on a sidebar which is like the service industry like dive bar they're all hanging out and then they get to some sort of trouble

and instead of leaving they all fight in the middle of the street the police came and I remember being so drunk and going up to one of the two nine guys after I got off work and I said hey walk away we arrest people here you need to get out of here and then Jared Holly a comedian in Austin

walked out and fucking haymakered these motherfuckers so heavy everyone got arrested. Everyone involved in that 2-9 dispute got arrested in Austin, and it was, honestly, pretty fucking sick. Because it was all violence. Jared is like, I did him and Jerks' podcast. I bet it was autistic or schizophrenic.

No, listen, listen. You know, Jared, I'm not Jared, uh, uh, jerk is like schizophrenic ass. Like, he believes the thing I believe. No, jerk, hey, listen, I want to tell you right now, Jerk, I know you watch the show, and now you listen to the episode. Jerk, we're the same. your band vulgar display is one of my favorite power violence bands you also sold me some of the best cocaine that I ever did in my life also you did sell great cocaine I love you for that also jerk you're out of your goddamn mind you believe in you're in the same boat I did his podcast called small dick energy I didn't vet them beforehand and I did his show and like three minutes into the episode and he's like yeah you know and I was like swag I thought this was a comedy show as it turns out

it is I don't think he that are in power I think you wish Jews had less power you should introduce him me

you knock that anti-tident I get about three jobs a year but that seems like this kind of guy who meets like a Jewish bank teller and he's like ah I know it

I don't think most people who are anti-Semitic have a good balance I do just have to piss Yeah, go piss. No, you're not just leaving. That's true. I got to call my cousin BB.

I feel like most anti-Symbis don't have a good idea of actual Jewish power structure. They're like, they'll meet a guy who like is a foreman for like a construction company who's Jewish and they're like, I knew it. Yeah. Yeah, they're running everything. It's like, I mean, they're. They don't realize how bad the Christians made it. level they're doing pretty well I wouldn't say that

you know I wouldn't This is going to be a very hard episode to clip Years ago And it's an optional thing to get rid of this entire thing As well No I'm posting it because one of the best episodes We've ever had is one of the most

Yes you also had You saw a blur about two minutes ago He didn't say he was coding someone He would never say that I'm going to bleep it out I'm the producer Yeah no Jake would never say that he said he was quoting someone

also the same guy he's quoting Mark Twain you know what I mean like I quote him every day in traffic when they're out of their mind I don't want to hit the button when this episode is over and I think what he's going to do is I ain't even saying this but I think Jake is about to suck off Max in the bathroom

and I think there are a lot of Max's P is going to go into I think a lot of Max's P is going to go into I don't mean to sound racist Max is literally Jewish. He can't come unless he hurts someone that's weaker than him. Yeah, so he isn't circumcised. So he keeps coming. You know, Max isn't circumcised?

No. Are you kidding me? So his dick just gets to come harder than my dick comes and he gets to go to heaven? Max, are you circumcised? Not yet. Are you fucking kidding me? Yeah, too. You know I'm circumcised because my parents were tricked by Jews?

I made that up, so I don't know if that's true. Not Jews in like a hateful way, but Jews in the sense that Jews told him to cut off my... Jewish is not a hateful thing. Saying Jews did something is okay, right? Yeah. Because Jews have done stuff. Yeah, they raised me. Yeah, and they did a fantastic job.

We love you. I think, no, I would say fantastic. I would argue a fantastic job. You remember what I told you? My mom converted for my dad in about a month after they divorced. She was like, I'm going back to church. I don't like that to be. Oh, wait.

She went from Christian to Jew to Christian. Well, she went to church once or twice. And then she was Christian Jew, Jew, Christian. You know the reason I didn't like it is because I thought she went from Jew to Christian back to Jew. Oh, no, no, no, no. But when you tell me she goes Christian, Jew, Christian, I go, oh, I like that. Hold on, hold on. I misunderstood this, Max.

You're not going to love this. She's Catholic. Christian, Jew, Christian. My sister and I beat her down so much atheist. No. Yeah. She was so close to going to the same heaven I'm going to. Dude, hold on.

Shout out. Shout out Lori, my mom. I texted her and my sister about the Charlie Kirk thing to be. Like, just to stay on social media. I know you guys don't like blood. I accidentally sell the video. She went, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, dumbass. Oh, okay.

My mom says that she wishes she could join the IDF to level Gaza. My mom is 75 years old and has blood cancer and bone cancer. They try to give me the joy with the IDF, and I said, nah, dog, I got to go do bed, open my comedy. You were going to say something. No, I said I would love to see her in a fight. against the tickle monster oh god i've seen that tiggle constern and boy is he

interested in my testicles dude i heard the tickle monsters uh hiding in tunnels beneath the hospital well you know the tickle monster made those tunnels you know the tickle monster made those tunnels i heard the tickle monsters using children as child's using tickle technology we've ever seen me in texas and i didn't say

anything i'm like a good son so i didn't say anything but is there anything and she said you know that the people dead in Palestine are dead because of Hamas and I said yeah mama I know like I love you I'm not gonna and she goes and you know that the people that are dead from starving are dead because Hamas and I said yeah mom I know and like we get outside and my wife who's like you know was it conservative before we get married she goes does she know that Israel bombed Palestine. I was like, babe, my mom has no idea what's going on.

Yeah. My mom has been sold to on Facebook by evangelical Christian Zionists that Palestinians are dogs that don't know how to speak. They don't know how to make music. All they know how to do is worship Mohammed and hate Christianity and sacrifice children. Like my mom has no idea what's going on out there. Like, give her a break. Speaking of a Palestinian dogs named Muhammad, I want to shout out of my absolute dog. Free Palestine, Zionism will fail.

I want to shout out my dog, Mohamed Abed. I love you. I like to shout on my dog, Brooke Goldstein. Oh, I'm sure. I'm kidding. He's a horrible dog. Yeah, no. I was telling JT this.

I wish him a happy birthday like a week ago. And I said, you know what else who has birthdays? The hostages. And he did not, he did not like that. It's funny, though. We should have fun. Yeah. There should be more American hostages.

We should get to volunteer to be a hostage. Yeah, dude. Trade me. What else are we up to, really? Trade me for the settlers from Brooklyn. Dude, I remember when I was involved in the Malist organization, and they said, hey, we're going to send people to Syria. And I said, oh, I want to go to Syria. I want to fight ISIS.

I want to send it for the Mouthist organization. Oh, hell yeah. Oh, hell yeah. Oh, hell yeah. Yeah, dude, I'm getting domed to provide. What do you think about that, Jaynecide? You know what, man, like, I think Yeah, I'm a red mouthist.

Oh, shit, you got a red mouth. You know what? Sometimes, man, I think you take it, I think you take for granted the kind of fucking power we have, dude. Yeah, Thomas, Marxism will win after the Republicans have your way. Yeah, I'm a, yeah, I'm part of DSA, Derek, Roderick,

amazing. I'm a socialist in the sense that I'm trying to get social when I'm getting with it. Oh, hell yeah. I'm in my underwear. You should see my balls and testicles. Y'all should see a white boy come back from defeat Like motherfucking pinot shit I ever make a woman come with my penis

I make her come with my personality and my tongue If she's faking it Yeah I support she's in pink Because she all up on my gin whenever I go in peeing Yeah I sure Yeah Yeah I love dangas And the way I say dang when she get on my ears to La Ma

Oh hell yeah Yeah yeah Yeah I love I love the shining path the way I show her my shit. I call Kim to get all of all my jong and she say um let me know guys

I'm going to kill you if you ever do anything like that in my life. Yeah. Kim I don't know. I don't know who that is. Dude, the show in Milwaukee the best thing about having doing comedy here is outside of smoke and weed with the people that came to see us

do comedy. The best part is whenever we get killed by everybody who came to the show. Dude, I'd love to die. and give my wife insurance. Oh, my God. Dude, it was a bunch of fucking autistic Marxists. And I was like, yo, we don't have those in Texas. Autistic Marxists, we get killed.

Buddy, welcome to the Midwest. I would love it here. I think I was supposed to be in the Midwest. You would thrive here. My wife, religious, borderline right wing, but mostly like far left just based on good ideas. Sick of people that don't work hard. Yep.

And it doesn't really care for foreigners. you guys would love the Midwest My wife doesn't hate foreigners But she has this thing where I'm like I know you don't want to live in next to you You grew up in Seabrook, Texas I get it She would love suburban Chicago

You know what's funny about Seabrook where You're probably not as familiar with that area as I am No not only from my life So like Jensen will I'll believe in the name I'll feel me too You can say Jensen it's okay Jensen, Seabrook is like mostly Mexican. Oh, yeah.

But they're the kind of Mexicans that are like... They're white Mexicans, socially. They're the kind of Mexicans whose parents came over here on ice cream trucks. But they're like, yeah, you know, when I see him, I just think about maybe we should just close her off. And I'm like, hey, man, what's your name? Sorry, I know we're welding the same piece of metal together. But what's your name when he goes, oh, I'm Ernesto Mercinoz. And I go...

And I hate foreigners. I'm Ernesto Martinez and I think that people that come over the past five years is literally Ossus. Oh, fucking Jesus Christ. Them asses. Them is. Sorry, I had to go take us.

I had to go piss. That's them. And I love it. And I love this. Stinky pooping there. Was that you? I'm inferting all over this place. That's fucked up, man. I can't handle a Wisconsin diet. It's fucked up.

I jacked off on the hardwood floor. Yeah. I mean, you know. Did you jack off in here, you nasty cock sucker? Yeah, in the bedroom, I told you to wait for the clown bathroom tomorrow. I jacked off. I definitely have never had sex in there or done cocaine in there. I stood up, my toes on the carpet.

I jacked off and my cum landed on the hardwood floor and I wiped it up with my socks that are now in the... What the fuck is wrong with you, dog? What do you want me to come in the toilet or something? Yes, you nasty piece of shit. I'm going to come on the floor. What floor did you come on? your bedroom? The hardwood floor. It's all hardwood floor. That's why I'm asking.

Those are our hardwood floor. It's not like you're going to go to the corner of my bedroom and like, I love this area. The whole Airbnb's in Thomas is in. So it means his com is. That's okay. Your com is in his name. If they know, oh, hey, this corner is the comb of Thomas. If someone gets pregnant with your com, that's his baby now.

Go ahead. That's our baby. I would love to race that Milwaukee. This affects my Airbnb rating. It's low. Do you understand? It's a five. Airbnb owned house to the homes.

this country. Tom, did you pay for it with the company card? I hope so. Bill Bird trying to explain my cum. I know it wasn't my card. It was the default card, whatever that was. I think it was. Company card, yeah. I don't even have any more cigarettes in here. But if I did, I would start smoking...

Let's smoke a cigarette inside to dunk on him. No. No, do not. Please do not do that. To teach him a lesson, I'm smoking a cigarette inside. We're all connected to this. In the mic on there. Listen, it's going to come out of my company, Patreon money. You fuck

It is funny when you hit the mic You know what five of those dollars Or my dollars Yeah yeah I said five of those dollars Listen the host is Listen we're gonna make about A bunch of money on this tour

So this is what I was thinking Max you get about three bucks Okay cool JT if you don't jack off anymore In any of the Airbnb I'll give you $4 I'm gonna keep jacking off And I lost all my money game

Okay cool Give me seven This absolute This absolute He can jerk tell he's fucking dry as bones this midwestern dog brain fella named Max

he taught me how to gamble at a bar I did I did teach you how to do slod machines yeah it's like I made $16 I was the hottest guy in Texas you gave me 7 you gave a homeless guy named Conrad Clayton Clayton close $2

dude Thomas is a straight up big sleeper I am not asleep and when you guys say that it makes me even more awake than I was believe more awake and focused on my enemies. I'm going to see this episode to Nick our like Clebs produced. He's like,

what do you want me to do with the 48 minutes where Thomas is asleep? I'm not asleep and I'm awaking away. This is actually really amazing. Use AI. Yeah, yeah. Use AI. We are not with a.

What we're with is being awake like I am. Do you guys want to snort some drugs with me after this episode? If it was a little, I'm so scared. He doesn't have the kind of you want. I can't do any drugs. No, I've just,

I've just got. He has the kind where you wake up and it's 3 p.m. the next day and now you owe an extra $500. Oh, yeah, I do have to work. Do you want to have a bunch of Xanax? I swear to God, I don't know. I don't know. In this point, like, killing our friends. Just the amount they give me when I go to the dentist and I go, I'm scared.

They don't give you Xanax of the dentist. They give me one milligram of Xanax. Okay, you're seeing a hood-ass dentist. I live in Chicago. You're seeing the type of dentist. that looks like me or is like a bald black guy that makes more money than I do.

So what I do is I really I really turn on the Jewiness and I go, I had a very mean orthodontist when I was growing up and so I'm afraid when I go in and then they go, why don't we give you one Xanax? And I go, thank you. I think every doctor gives a Jew's annax

because they don't want to deal with you guys. I guarantee every doctor goes, yeah, I got a Jew in here. I go, ah, you can give him a binzo. Give the Jew a binzo, otherwise he's going to tell me about some stuff. Well, here's the thing. I got these two teeth removed during COVID. You know I'm Jewish, right?

Yeah. Yeah. You're a latter-day Jew. Shemae is real. Adonai, Elohim. I got these two teeth. Oh, you don't know how that ends? No, I don't know.

Eight, because my sister and I threw a fucking hisy-fit. Shemai Israel. Adonai. him at own I I don't fucking Echah Faked you Real Jew

Yeah Hey Tom Can I call him The Hard R? No Yeah Okay I'll allow it

Okay I'm gonna bleep it out I'm gonna call him The hard R N word I don't I don't like that No Tom likes it He's really excited

I can see his boner Yeah I don't have a boner This is just how jeans work When you buy a size up Dude what if I just let her That is Dude I thought you were gonna do it For a second

You thought for a second No 10 But 40 by 32 over here, you know, we're going to size up, and it feels amazing. Let me tell you some. The best drug that the Jews ever invented? These are bag yummy, but I wanted to feel skinny, so I just got a big-ass pair of jeans. It feels nice.

You know what's funny as I love about this? My actual size is 36 or the same. The staff in the back-Judeo bullshit thing. I don't wear a 40. Capitalism? It's going to be a real. It's fucking Jews. I guarantee it, yeah.

Yeah. Adam Smith. It's like, what is the actual episode at this point? He's Jewish. What? I'm not even playing with you. I did not know Adam Smith was Jewish till right now. Yeah, he's Jewish.

I'm so progressive. I genuinely thought Adam Smith was a boy. You know what's funny? I think I might actually be anti-Semitic. But I think I might just be one of those communists from like 19-10. It's like, yeah, you've got to throw them in the bad. If you're anti-Semitic, it's because you haven't read. enough marks that's bullshit because I think I've read the I've read a lot of it

you haven't heard of Marxists are you telling me that I haven't read enough marks yeah nev-narcice I guess I was also anti-semitic do you know what marks had to say about Jewish people it's not kind but he's correct so okay so what are we talking about Marxism is bad in the same way I mean like Judaism is bad in the same way that, like, far-right evangelicalism is. I'm a Chinese-ass motherfucker. Yeah, dude, call my ass fucking Mao Zedong. We've got 15 minutes left to this episode.

We're going to do a lightning round. When's the last time you jacked off? Earlier today. You're fucked up. I'm going to kill you. What about you? Look, I don't want to worry about this stuff. You cheated on your girlfriend.

I'm going to put this on. I didn't cheat on my girlfriend. I've never cheated on my girlfriend. I face-time my wife around 3.30 and watched me do it. I promise I won't. I promise. That was fucked up. I promise I won't have that as a

Eden you know I love you He didn't do that I'm just being an asshole Around 430 You can say it if you want You know that's not true No 430 or so PM

You cheated on your wife Nope FaceTime my wife Watch she watched me Jack off Was she horny No she was actually at work She watched me come in my own stomach

What the fuck Dude Have you been beating your dick At this Airbnb Around 430 yeah I came in my own apartment Where I worked from home You know it's funny

And I needed to take a middle of the day now. Around 4.30, I was asleep, and I heard a door open and closed, and I knew it was you, and then shortly after you came out and you were ecstatic. I was very happy. I came really hard. I have not. I pissed. I did piss after I came.

Thomas, I think me and you have the same thing. When I don't, I can't, this is your thing. I don't know this for sure. When him and I go on the road, no matter how long, whenever I go on, like, comedy stuff, I won't jack off for like four or five, six days. Oh, I jacked off from my wife, and she said, good boy. I fucking hate you I don't like that she said that

I think you do like it I would rather have like a okay than a good boy I think I think you're in trouble I shot a rope on my tummy and she said good let me ask you question good boy like that

you beat off in front of your girlfriend I mean like I have yeah but like we'd rather just have she's not asking for it yeah she's not like hey beat off in front of me Max That will make me wet

No She's more Like I don't feel like Yo but if she's juiced up And you fucked her hard And you're ready to come She wanted to see you jack off

And come on her right? I feel like that's gross I agree I do agree I've done a bunch of episodes Together and I'm a pretty like I'm not you know I'm not like a prude

I'm pretty private guy And J2 would be like Yeah you know I had a big ass finger And a big ass pecker in my butt And we were making me come super hard And I went crazy ass about it. And then I'll be like, dude, you know what's crazy, good to eat for lunch?

Césidias. I've had enough girls fuck my ass that I can tell you guys different ideas of pegging. When I found out that other guys don't get their ass fucked, I was like, oh, I'm gay as hell. Dude, let me tell you something. I love you. You're one of my very best friends, okay? I love just a normal ass getting my dick sucked. Sure.

You're an awesome. His guy likes getting his dick sex. It was so stupid. Yeah, it's fucking gay, isn't it? I agree. These guys just come from wearing jeans. Imagine getting your sick, dick sucked, and you have a fucking dildo up your ass. No, no.

No. You know, I've had a figure up there. Let's be clear. Let's be clear that probably does feel amazing. You defensive boys. I just don't have that many things going on in my life to wear. I love, you know what I like emotional intimacy. And there's never been a time in my life where I go, oh, I want a finger up my body.

being emotional in with Timothy I don't know who the hell is Timothy Shalame I'm gonna tell you guys I'm gonna be in the next dune You're dune

You're dune too much In a man's ass Yeah That's exactly what I'm We've got ten minutes left Let's call this is called This is called light This Airbnb in six hours

That's awesome Wait we gotta leave out of here Win 11 10? 10? Yeah No I sent everybody the details

Yeah It's my first day here Okay I sent I didn't not send No, we'll make it out of here. But you admit I drank like 14 beers tonight? Yeah, you did. You admit that I had over a dozen beers.

I do admit that. You admit that I took a nap earlier and then came in my underwear because that's where I wanted to come because I didn't know when I got the bed messy. I thought you came on your stomach. And also on my stomach and in my underwear and I got messy and I rubbed it on my belly button. And you admit that we did stand-up tonight. Yeah, we did do stand-per-down-down-you-you-it that we came back to an air and bee. That I had coming in. And you're expecting me to go to bed all normal.

You admit that. Yeah. Otherwise, I think it's like a one or $200 fun if we don't get up. And you're trying to tell me that you're a heterosexual male that lives on the East Coast. And you have admitted that I jacked off in the bed and on my stomach and in my underwear. I don't know if that's... I heard you. I literally heard him admit to me jacking off because you knew.

And you admit that you knew. And you admit that you knew. I didn't know. If only I didn't tell you. But if only I didn't know that you didn't tell me. Listen, one thing I know about stand-up comedy, somebody's gonna come. There's one world. There's gonna be a Jew here.

Hey, what does this have to say? Help. Help. Help. I'm huge. Help, I'm so tiny. I'm so tiny and I'm scared that they're trying to cut off a part of me. Help, I'm so small.

so small. I was so tight. Why the fuck are you wearing that is another thing? What? I guess it's okay. Yeah, it's all right. The robe. Yeah, it's just the robe is gone at this point.

Okay, but you guys can both admit that when I first showed up here, you guys took off your shirts and we were going to do like a shirtless thing. We weren't going to do a shirtless episode. But honestly, Tom, you got crazy-ass trap. And I saw a muscle I didn't know existed. You did the whole Jew thing, magic, whatever. Yeah. You literally did you.

witchcraft. I turned your $20 into my $20. You did. Dude, I didn't even break you in the UK. I turned your $20 into my $7. If I told my wife about this, she would never let me. I went, oh fuck yeah, dude.

Not only you up, you're up $14. Not only do you make your money back, you're up $14. And you went, you're getting half of it. Because you dropped me. Yeah, I just was like, press the button. You literally broke off Jew game for me. And I wanted to split it.

with you because I respect your situation. Who gives a fuck? And then I lost $20 and I was like, oh, I'm more Martin Luther than ever. I was talking to other people. I don't think we have a full hour on this way. We're almost at. Contact lines in this case.

Thomas is like, stop talking about the Jew thing. J.T. said Jew like 10 times. No, I just think we're kind of petering off a little bit. You want to cut it? We don't have to, but it's just, I think we're just. He keeps looking to me when he says I think we're.

I think the episode's bad. I think the episode is really bad. But, no, we're not doing this. No, this is going to be a free episode. Right, right. I'm just saying. Okay, you know, hey, guys, we're 54 minutes in. I think everybody may have had too many beers. I want to say you guys, thank you so much if you came to the Wisconsin show.

Thank you. The only dates that I have to plug are the ones that are now. Come to Chicago and Detroit. If you can, if you can't, I don't really care either way. Who gives a fuck? I can't tell myself if you don't come. Uh, fine. Bye.

My wife's wrong about all the Jew stuff. She's just kidding. Uh, if just, before you guys go to bed, if you get a pillow...