Pendejo Time - tussin and turnin

Episode Date: April 27, 2023

making yourself sick to get more drugs from the doctor is something that every young man does a few times in his life. Support the Show.

I'm on the pursuit of fat penis in my hole. We can 69 and you can fuck me. We... Fuck. Fuck. We can sing... How does it... Everything that shine ain't always cut up with gold.

We can 69. And then. I'll get wood. In a minute. I'll get wood. I'll get wood. Suck a little bit. Little bit. Roll it back. Wrap it up.

Roll it back. Suck the dick. Because it's uncircumcised. Yeah. Roll it back. Suck the dick. In the ad libs he explains he's sucking an uncircumcised. Yep. Roll it back. Sucked a dick. In the ad-libs, he explains he's sucking an uncircumcised dick. Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, the ingenious rap lyrics. Sucking tip. It's like he knew his fan base. I love men. Summer night. Feeling lit. Feeling night. Feeling lit. Feeling light. 2 a.m.

Summer night. Summer night. Still works, baby. Still works. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. It's. Yeah.

And then there's a straight version. I'm on the pursuit of blasting a vagina. Vagina. Yeah, I'm on. I'm on the pursuit of blasting and girls. I'm straight. Anyway, it doesn't have to. It's funny.

My dad used to do the parodies a lot. Like, I told you about the one that was like, running down the road, losing my road. He would do that one. He would do Deacon Blues. This is the, it just made me laugh so fucking hard. And this is also how I learned that gland is another term for like penis. We would be listening to Steely Dan in the car and he would go, this is the day of my

expanding gland. And I was like, Oh, I think I was like gland. like gland and he was like oh it's like penis this is the day your penis gets big i was like i was like dude i was bred for this shit my dad was doing that shit but way before podcasting way before i don't even think he did it for the love of the game like um there was it typically it was i will say this it wasn't about being gay it was usually about jacking off or having a huge penis or uh drinking a lot of alcohol but regardless he was like it was the babe ruth you know it was like uh maybe not a Babe Ruth because the sport wasn't clearly defined yet. He was, well, maybe the Barry Bonds or something.

I don't know. Maybe. Maybe, yeah. Well, I guess before then he was just some guy called like Gumpy Tom or something. Yeah, he would hit a stick with a ball. Yeah. Yeah, all the old baseball players with names like Puerto Rican John, like they were always not racist, but definitely not not racist.

And then if they were Italian, it was like Stinky Stromboni or, you know, a black guy, God forbid, you know. Yeah. Those guys were just always called Jimmy, you know, or like, I feel like baseball wasn't racist. Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe they were all family. Yeah.

Historically. Baseball is a very black friendly sport. Since its creation. It's funny to make a sport that stupid. You know what I mean? Where it's like, toss this ball, I'm going to fucking try to hit it with this stick. And you're like, all right, well,

let's say with some ground rules. A, we got four bases. Uh-huh. Let's do it. Five, four, yeah. Yeah. There's the pitcher's mound.

I'm going to... By the way, when I throw... Well, yeah. It was fine. When I throw this at you, I'm not going to just lob it. I'm going to throw this hard-ass ball at you at like 100 miles an hour.

And then a guy behind you is going to catch it. And then there's another guy behind that guy, and he's kind of like everybody's dad. Yeah. He kind of tells everybody when to go inside, when to come outside. He tells you when you can't run. Those are rules. Those are rules one through five. Rule number six, obviously no black people.

Yeah. Yeah. Let's see. We, yeah, we'll sell cotton candy. We'll have popcorn. It'll be a great time. Just bring all your white friends. You know what I mean?

Bring all your white friends. All of our best players are alcoholics. They chain smoke. Dude, it's so funny to see. Dude, the best pitches were probably like 40 miles an hour. Yeah. Yeah. I love watching the old basketball games when it was just old like like old like Jewish guys, like Jewish college kids and then like old dads.

And they're just like throwing fucking air balls like it. It's all the black and white ones where it's like, you know, the Cleveland absolute horseshit like old sports. I can't excel in anything now, but I feel like I could have been a pretty good... No, they didn't have kickboxing back then. That was just something for, like, sex tourists. Like, weird Dutch guys, and then, like, you know, one guy who went to Thailand in the 70s

for, you know, to find himself, and was like, damn, they'd be kicking each other out here. Hard as hell. Hey, what's up, you guys, to find himself. And was like, damn, they'd be kicking each other out here. Hard as hell. Hey, what's up, you guys? Hey, guys. Sipping on some zizzur. Sipping on some zizzur. I'm having an exquisite bottle tonight.

This is cough syrup made in England. Makes me feel like I'm the Duke. You know what I mean? Yeah, yeah, yeah. It says made in England, and I'm like I'm the Duke. You know what I mean? Yeah, yeah, yeah. It says made in England, and I'm like, ooh. Her Majesty's called syrup. Her Majesty's DXM. Ooh, let's see.

I'll have a little. That meant I'm robo-tripping. I'm mixing Mucinex Day and Mucinex Night to see if it balances each other out. But as it turns out, I've just had twice as much cough syrup as I wanted to.

You just fucked up off that dextromorphin. I remember whenever I was first trying to not do drugs or whatever, I got a cold and um i intentionally let it turn into a respiratory infection because if i get a cold i don't take care of it like if i really don't take care of it if i'm out in the wind and shit i would just go stand outside like out in the wind and i would just not drink water yeah i would just eat like only chips anyway i got

my i got my respiratory infection and then uh they gave me they finally gave me a bottle of codeine it had the guafacin or whatever in there but that was okay yeah i remember i had drank like most that bottle and i just drove to the gym like 10 miles an hour. Yeah. I worked out for a little bit. Ate a big bucket of fried chicken and I went home. And, but I remember, dude, I mixed it. I like mixed it in with lemonade like it was lean or something, but it was just.

Yeah. It was just like I actually had a recipe, like I needed to be taking that. Yeah. I'm like, actually had a recipe Like I needed to be taking that Yeah I'm like yeah I'm fucking cool I'm 19 years old Doing this shit I'm pouring a deuce right now Yeah

With me and my boys Just at Planet Fitness I'm gonna go hang out With fucking Chief Keef Probably later I'm definitely not gonna Fall asleep on the Rolling machine

I tried to robo trip Dude I tried to row a trip, dude. I tried to row a trip by myself during the day in a Kroger parking lot one time. I just started just drinking. I had Sprite and I had DXM, but I was using the Sprite like a chaser. And I would just chug the DXM and then I would sip a little bit of Sprite.

Like, the DXM was hard to handle, but it was just because I got the generic Wild Cherry brand. Yeah. Or the Wild Cherry flavor, like, Walgreens brand. It just tastes like battery acid. Yeah, yeah.

I like sent Snapchats to people, like, yeah, poor enough. I was like, hey, I'm not poor enough. I'm not pulling up. I think I've talked about it on here. They used to have this thing called Vicks Custom Care. They don't sell it anymore. But it was like the highest strength DXN that you could buy over the counter.

And it was called Custom Care because the cap had different measurements for different weights. And you would just take it you know per your your weight or whatever and uh i had a really bad uh respiratory infection i was in high school but i had already skipped a bunch of class and my we'd gotten letters about like fucking truancy and shit so well my mom was like you gotta go to fucking school sorry i don't give a shit so i wake the morning, and my dad's getting ready for work. And he had it, too. We'd, like, pass it back and forth to each other. Me and my dad, you know, we would kiss a lot.

Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, as you want to do. And anyway, he has the bottle, and he was like, here you go. Take some of this. And I was like, how much do I take? And he was probably, my dad was like 5 11 maybe like 220 230 you know he's like i just drank half the motherfucker uh so i guess you can have a rest and i was like oh okay you know i didn't know like i just thought it was like

not dayquil or something and i i drink half the bottle i get in my car and uh i got like i was like about to pull in the parking lot and i was fucked up dude like the in dxm robo tripping is like really not it's not that fun like we used to take triple c's it was like core seed and coffin cold um those were gnarly but like I had a girlfriend at the time, and she ran up to me in the hallways, and I was like, hey, I'm super sick. You don't want to come over here because I got a sickness. She was like, are you okay?

Are you okay? And I was like, I took my dad. Daddy gave me. They gave me some medicine for it. For it. It's pretty strong. Like, just hopelessly fucked up on, like, just dude. Just like in a pre-algebra. Just like and coast and tan.

I can use a tan. And the sins i got plenty of them it's like trying to trying to riff in my like group like for my math group that shit was so fucked up i we got the you mentioned the guapenis and we when i was in college we got a bottle i got a bottle of lean and it had that shit in it and I was trying to explain to one of my roommates that guafinicin is an expectorant and it also is an it's it makes you nauseated it's like to prevent abuse like when they started putting that stuff in keyboard cleaner it's like a bittering agent it just tastes very very very nasty my keyboard cleaner heads will know it's the same thing like you can't just drink like half the bottle you'll throw up and of course there's nothing really to the story i told my roommate

i was like hey you gotta like you can't pull up a four of this because you'll feel good but then you'll throw up he was like 120 pound jewish kid and sure enough he was he dude he went to the store and got like jolly ranchers it was so funny because i was just i i just i had a fucking sprite like a canned spriteite in the fridge. He was like, bro, if we're going to pull up, we're going to do, he was like, like peak Jewish wigger. I don't, like Lil Dicky, like that. You know what I mean?

Yeah. And he was like, bro, I'm going to go get Sour Patch Kids. I'm going to go get a Mountain Dew, a Sprite, Jolly Ranchers. I was like, okay. You know that. All right. Whatever. And he went and got all that shit I I pour mine and it didn't even do anything to me a side note at the time it sucks we were

doing so many painkillers that I didn't even really get that fucked up off of it like I think I just like I had way too much like Vicodin in my system at the time anyway he gets a route 44 sprite goes to sonic goes to the store gets a mountain dew sour patch kids skittles jolly ranchers he's taking pictures like he's posting on snapchat he's like sending it to people he's like yo we pulling up at the catalina house baby like he's like making his little videos and shit and he's sipping you know and i'm like this is so gay i think i'm better than him yeah you're like you know what i mean a painkiller cocktail yeah yes exactly like i'm mixing my mind with like dilaudid and like taking little key bumps of coke here and there and like drinking beer and i'm watching him like he he's turned up you know like fucking like kodak black and he's got his phone out and he's like putting

the flash on it and he's like pulling up on a tuesday with my boys you know how we do and i'm like jerry's just a fucking dork man what are you doing you're like get it together man yeah enjoy your enjoy your heroin martini and peace yeah like we don't have to we don't have to put on airs man we're doing fucking pills in this house and uh like he's he he's sipping it and i was like hey man i'm telling you that fucking guanfenicin or whatever is gonna make you sick you gotta like you gotta pace it it's, this isn't just like codeine with promethazine. It's codeine, promethazine in this thing. And he was like, ah, you know, I mix enough of it in my cup.

I'm good. And dude, he's facing like a fucking eighth blunt by himself, taking dabs. Like, you know, he's doing the whole thing. And all of this, you know, he's like, like his girlfriend was like, like living with us at the time. And she was just like, he was, he was like, he was like, he was like, y'all, baby, you got it. You got it. Give me a picture. Like we had a, we had like this poster of like, uh, we had all the college guy posters.

We had fear and loathing in Las Vegas. The ladies with the pink Floyd, like album art on their ass cheeks. We had, I swear to God, we had the college guy posters. We had Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas. The ladies with the Pink Floyd album art on their ass cheeks. I swear to God. We had the Fight Club poster. We had a Joker poster. We had all of the, if you go here to this, do not enter this house. This house stinks posters. Pulp Fiction and all that shit.

Yeah, we had Pulp Fiction. He's like babe get a picture of me pulling up in front of the Travis Scott poster and dude hey listen to this they dated for four years

and and we were all losers at that time all pieces of shit all fucking dumb fucking shitty guys. But like, again, like I've all, I could,

I'm, you know, we've talked about this in length. I've always just, I think, I feel like I've kind of gotten a little better, but I was always just sort of a smug prick. So again,

I'm sitting there, you know, I fucking, I'm, I'm railing these little morphine pills, you know, I'm smoking cigarettes indoors, like an arms dealer.

And I'm looking arms dealer and i'm looking at this and i'm like dude this guy my drug use is a refined mature this guy needs to grow up i anyway uh he he he's like drinks all that shit and he fucking like gets so sick and i'm watching him like puke up like little like green sour patch kids and shit it's like a bluish purplish vomit mix uh he's like oh man there's something else in this show bro and i was like yeah it's called guafinicin it's an expectorant you're not supposed to drink a bunch of it it's supposed to get you sick so you know why they put it in here man it's so we don't do what we're doing now you know or whatever and he's like i don't know about this bro i don't know if this is lean bro just like anyway if i can um like i dude i was so surprised that they they i went to this i went to the school's clinic like the on-campus doctor and i

was like i got something going on and he was like i can give you some codeine cough syrup because i went there kind of like how you you were like i had like not gone to the doctor i was like hanging out outside i was drinking every day doing my thing and i wasn't letting this thing heal like i was legitimately sick you know uh but i was purposely letting it get worse which like if you let yourself get more sick or if you let an injury worsen so you can get fucked up like you that's like a really resourceful that's the word it means you're resourceful there's a lot of resourceful people out there yeah yeah warren buffett would do the same thing

i like i whenever i would like tweak my shoulder in jujitsu the bad one the one that's like all the tendons in it are torn to fuck it's just all scar tissue at this point i would like i would like not wear my sling and i would like go to the go to my doctor and i'd be like oh no i had pills at my house from my dealer like she would give me so many you know i didn't need to go get a copay you know what i'm saying like yeah i didn't i didn't need to spend you know and i'd be like man it's old old sport i would like i remember going to the doctor know and I'd be like man it's an old old sport I would like I remember going to the doctor once and the doctor was kind of a big burlier guy and so my brain like my brain was like all right so the way that you um the way that you get like the pills you're

looking for he's not going to give you no Advil you're trying to get that Vicodin you got to ingratiate yourself to him so I I was like yeah you know it's like a sports injury it's like an old thing he's like oh what sports you play and i was like oh you know wrestling jujitsu he's like oh that's awesome i was like yeah a lot of weight lifting used to play football i never fucking played football in my life but i like i saw he went to baylor and he had like a football thing and so i'm like scanning around the room and i'm like how can i make this guy played uh i played fucking rugby and lacrosse uh i actually won the olympics for wrestling and i invented uh jujitsu yeah i'm like trying to i'm trying to like bro down with this like medical doctor so he'll give

me like more pills or whatever and he's like oh you had any you got mri on this thing and i'm like yeah he's like all right well uh you know you want another one and i'm like no it's torn labrum torn rotator cuff and i got a torn ac joint he's like that's that's all of them you know had surgery i'm like no just here to get something you know while it surgery. I'm like, no, just here to get something, you know, while it heals up through PT. And he's like, oh, and there was always a moment. This happened with shrinks too. There's a moment when my ruse is clearly failed because I'm clearly like pale and sweaty. My blood pressure reading was like, God knows what, you know, like, I think I'm, I think I'm working these guys over. I'm like, dude, this guy likes me. And you know, like, I think I'm, I think I'm working these guys over.

I'm like, dude, this guy likes me. And you know what happens when a doctor likes you? He gives you 90 mil to Viking a month for the rest of your life. And, uh, he'd be like, oh, there was a moment that we would both have where he realized what was going on. And I realized that he realized that, I mean mean of course you don't say anything he's like yeah something for the pain yeah um but we can take a look at that give me a second he'd leave and sit in there and that that 10 or 20 minutes in the doctor's office by yourself

you're like daddy's going home with a little goodie bag daddy's gonna go home he's gonna watch some boardwalk empire he's gonna snort a couple of these fucking oxys and he's gonna go home he's gonna watch some boardwalk empire he's gonna snort a couple of these fucking oxys and he's gonna go to the fucking moon i did it i'm a badass mother i'm smart dude and people really like me like i'm a fucking charming guy you know people think people really like having me around all my friends you know this guy can't wait to give me these pills he's excited. You know what he's saying to the nurse right now? He's not saying to the nurse, I got a junkie

in my fucking... He's saying to the nurse, this guy's an athlete and he needs something strong for his bones and his tendons. We need to make this guy strong again. That's what we gotta do. The only thing we can do to make him heal so he can be the Olympics champion is to give him heroin.

This could be our city's only hope. Yeah, we got to give him. To get him back to full strength again. We need to give him a lifetime supply of Opana in a fucking treasure chest. Oh, man. Anyway, yeah, it's a special. I never really put any thought to that stuff, and it never struck me as odd. I've talked about it in length on here, but for the longest time, I just thought I was partying.

You know what I mean? You're like, yeah, you know what party guys do? They lie to their doctors. Guys who do, like, I'm just in college, man. I'm just experimenting. You know, guys who experiment with drugs. Yeah, I know you experimented a lot in college. I walked right the fuck into that, dude.

Yeah, damn it. You're like, I didn't even know what was going on. I thought I was partying with these guys. I was just getting fucked in my mouth. I thought I was really good at deals. You know how guys, when they get to, you know, like, young kids, they go to college, they smoke weed, they experiment with alcohol, they have sex with the odd guys, like, a lot. They get sober and keep having sex with guys, you know. They quit drinking at 28 and start having sex with men.

They quit drinking at 28 and start having sex with men. Imagine you're trying to tell whatever your relatable drug stories or whatever, and you're like, yeah, I just remember going to the doctor and being like, yeah, I hurt my shoulder, and then just following him back to his car and sucking his dick at his house. Yeah, I just tripped down the stairs getting into his basement. But I'm just, like, a college guy. I'm just partying, you know? I'm just experimenting with fucking, you know,

with alcohol and with drugs and with gay sex, like, so much, you know? It's not. Yeah. You know what's fucked up? What's that? I used an EpiPen today and it didn't get me. I thought I'd get like a crazy adrenaline rush. I thought it would be like doing a bump or something.

I mean, that's not why I used it, you know? But I had always... It was definitely an added side effect. I had always thought like if I used an EpiPen right before I hit like a lift or something, I could probably PR. You thought it would be like Pulp Fiction, like when she gets nailed with an EpiPen right before I hit, like, a lift or something, I could probably PR. You thought it would be like Pulp Fiction, like, when she gets nailed with the EpiPen. Yes, dude. I thought that's what it was.

Yeah, yeah. And then I just, like, I don't know. I guess it was adrenaline, but I didn't really. I think I already had a bunch of adrenaline going, so it wasn't, like. Did you have an asthma attack or an allergic reaction? I don't know i mean who gives a shit i you know sometimes you just fucking can't breathe and it's it's not the end of the world you know yeah yeah i feel you i feel you i'd left my inhaler somewhere and it's you know it's it's all right should i use the other one on the show and we can see what it does i'm just kidding two eppies in one day dude double epi scenario hell no double double

epi time double that would be epic i think that would be so epic that would be goaded bro that would be goaded and epic with the uh dude honestly i'm fucking tired of this dude dude don't lose faith dude we're so close we're so close to hitting our our our newest patreon mark we are and yeah we yeah we're like two two thousand eight hundred and eighty bucks a month who gives a fuck i don't care about the money i don't care about the money What I care about Is Changing the world I was just saying We haven't fulfilled any of our promises

So we gotta We went to the zoo We did go to the zoo That was the saddest zoo I'd ever seen Dude all the animals were trying to kill themselves Every All the monkeys Monkeys were like dangling from the rope swing

Like by their necks They were like writing like Kill me on swing like by their necks they were like writing like kill me on a piece of paper and handing it to us yeah it was this shit and then they just had like wild birds they remember the they just had like peacocks and like cassowaries and shit in like cages well they had the ones that were just walking around like the fucking the lions that were just oh my god spots because they were just walking back and forth all day yeah just like they didn't i stood right next to the fucking glass and he didn't give a fuck dude he didn't care he was just like it's over for me these motherfuckers kill me why don't

you i won't even fight back i won't even bite you or nothing dude I'm not in a good place right now I'm not even a real lion anymore I play Xbox They put me on Prozac in here dude I won't bite you I'm not kidding I won't claw at you or nothing I fucking hate it here

This shit They feed me fucking nachos everyday When I was in the goddamn Serengeti You know motherfucker I had What is a Serengeti you know motherfucker i had what is the serengeti that's not a desert savannah yeah sure it is a desert is it when i was in the serengeti as a young lion dude i had a hundred acres it was mine i had three wives and now i have to look at fat fucking texas guys pull their fucking nut sacks out and try to show me my nuts,

show them me their nuts. The life of a lion, what are you looking at, man? Are you looking at lions? No, I was looking at serengeti to make sure, but then I accidentally thought I meant syringe. I typed it so fucked up. Are you just fucked up on the sauce right now?

No, dude, my phone is messed up. Are you lying? No, dude, when phone is messed up. Are you lying? No, dude, when I click shit, it doesn't do anything. Did you get cough syrup on your phone screen? No. No, I did something else, dude. Shut up. Shut up, bitch.

At the end of the day, what are you going to do? Sometimes you order a refurbished phone online and then it sucks and then nothing happens you know yeah sometimes life goes on for way longer than you thought it would you know that's that's not really what i was getting at but that's you know that's another way to look at it i suppose anyway you know um sometimes jay that's an interesting thing to tell the class um i'm like yeah i don't know my phone just doesn't work sometimes and you're like yeah and then you die i uh dude i was like so far dude i don I can't believe – someone should have fucking just beat me to death.

I remember I was in a – the professor gave me like legitimately like hit me with that same tone. It was in a philosophy course, epistemology. There we go. I don't know how to say it. Theory of knowing, you know. I have a master's in it. I don't know what the fuck this shit is. And anyway, we were talking about like this guy like there's like something more george moore

was like you know here's my hand but is it really there it's like all you know like if you if you're not visually observing something does it actually exist as far as you know no and i hated all that shit and then it was it was like an undergraduate level course. The professor meant well. He was a very fun guy. And we got into the simulation thing. And people were like, yeah, I think that either we're in a simulation or we're in like, you know, like aliens put us here and they're like planning us. And then the professor was like, that's an interesting thing. So what would it mean to be in a simulation? And I raised my hand and I'm like planning us and then the professor like that's an interesting you know thing so like what would it mean to be in a simulation and i raised my hand and i'm like simulation or not you know like it's just pain right like it's just like it's like if we find

out it's a simulation tomorrow you're like rent is still due you know what i mean and the professor was like oh yeah uh okay fucking nichi you know mean? Like, just, like, the most annoying comment that a student could make in that type of setting. I'm the dark philosopher. I was like, oh, you know, even if we're in, like, a turtle's dream, you still got to be paying the bills, son. Damn. Damn, and that shit's deep. You know what I mean? Damn.

What if it turned out that you were in a dog's pussy this whole time? Professor, I got a thought experiment for you. What if it turns out... Professor... What if it turned out I was predestined to fuck you in the ass in the middle in front of everybody right now. Have you ever, Professor, have you ever read John Calvin? You know, he says that our fate is predetermined.

Some people won't get into heaven. They can't. What if I'm predetermined to fuck your wife, sir? What if we're predetermined to fall in love because I beast you down so good that you forget you have a family? Professor, what if it is a simulation and I have to simulate you swallowing my fucking tongue? Yeah, I was fucking... What if I was having sex in the back of my Corolla? my Corolla.

Yeah, what if we get in the experience machine and we enter the simulation and the simulation is that I replace your wife but you still have both your kids but I'm your wife and you call me Carol and you fuck your wife every night and it's me.

Professor, in this simulation, would you rather your wife cheat on you with a white guy or a black guy? She's cheating on you either way. You have to pick one. It's a simulation, so you're not racist either. Yeah, professor, if you could... White guy or black guy... One of them's fucking your wife. Yeah, one of them's fucking your wife yeah one of them's fucking your wife

and if you say white guy then you're racist in the simulation and in real life and if you say black guy you're a fetishist yeah yeah yeah you're into cuck shit you fucking loser you fucking weirdo

you're letting that guy fuck your wife yeah dude you got a PhD in this shit. You just fucking loser. Hey, congratulations, man. It is a simulation and you just talked about how you You'd let a black bull fucking dig your wife out like a fucking ditch. Sir, if it's a simulation would you have sex with your wife?

Would you let your wife give you a handjob In the simulation Would you marry your wife Would you go on a date with your wife Sir All of these questions after Asking him if he would let his wife get fucked by a black guy

Or a white guy If this is a simulation Who is your celebrity crush If this is a simulation Would you have your celebrity crush? If this is a simulation, would you have sex with any of the girls in the class? You have to name them out in this real world one,

but in the simulation, you have to rank them by hotness and most likely to have sex with. Sir, if you could simulate having sex with one girl in the class and then if you could simulate two people having sex in this class, it could be any two people. And you have to watch it the whole way through until they both stop having sex. Professor, would you in a simulation simulate me having sex with Miriam over on that side of the class?

Just in a simulation. Wouldn't it be so crazy? Sir, in the simulation, would I have to use protection? Because in the simulation, you can't get pregnant. Yeah, in the simulation, you can't get pregnant. In the simulation, it's illegal not to cream pie. And also in the simulation, it's not really weird for me to use that word. That's like a word that people like you. Yeah, it's an academic word.

It's a philosopher's word. Sir, academically speaking, within a simulation, would you cream pie me? Oh, my God. speaking within a simulation would you cream pie me oh my god sir within a simulation would you watch a dog cream pie a possum professor and the possum likes it sir professor

doctor professor professor Professor. And the possum likes it, sir. Professor. Doctor. Doctor, professor. Professor, doctor, sir, in the simulation, could I, would it be allowed in the simulation if all the boys in this class had to leave and I got to have sex with all the girls and you gave me an A on each of my performances because I had sex with them so good?

Sir, in this simulation, can I jack off when I get home? Or am I not allowed to do it? Sir, in this simulation, do I get to jack off before I got to go to work? Or do I just have to be late to work? Sir, in this simulation, do girls masturbate or not and is that part of the simulation professor in the simulation did that one really bad thing still happen to me that shaped my adult life forever that it does it does it still happen in the simulation and can if it does can we find a

way to stop it in the simulation dr professor in this simulation this is a large class one of us is going to be a child molester someday who is it in this in the simulation, Professor, is it possible in the simulation for me to have a nine and a half inch long penis and it's thick like a Coke can? Yes, sir. Please, sir. And also, it's black. Thank you, Professor, for after class is ending like okay thanks guys you know oh thank you so much he didn't kick you out of class he answered all your questions jake those are valid questions those are yeah he answers them

all thoughtfully you know it's a wonderful question um i've never really considered it i i wonder you know ethically speaking Like from a Kantian framework What would it mean for a young man to have A young white man to have a black man's penis You know Sir Sir within a simulation Within a simulation

Sir within a simulation Can girls 69 or is that weird and he's like it's like the it's like the like debate of the ages like yeah it's like there's like thousands of people watching it's like like, yeah, sir. Is it gay to hit it from the back with the simulation? Sir, in the simulation, it just went on. One more question to you. Noam Chomsky in the simulation. Is it gay to suck on the strap before you get fucked by it?

Question for Foucault, sir. Sir, within a simulation, would you rather your wife cheat on you with a guy or with a lesbian who's way manlier than you? In a simulation, would you rather your wife cheat on you with a lady or

like a sexy lady or just like a jacked sexy lady with a beard and a penis? Sir, within this simulation, if you had to sexually assault me to save the world, would you do it right now? Keep in mind, I am not okay with that. But you have to save the world. You know, Professor, we have a trolley problem here. If you pull the handle, you have sex with me five times.

And if you don't pull the handle, you have sex with me one time. What's at take here? Five times or one time. Fuck. Oh, goddammit. Yeah. Okay. Professor. fuck oh god damn it yeah okay professor professor

it's if you take a utilitarian approach the five times is for the good of me it minimizes pain and maximizes my pleasure and the one time it just,

uh, it makes you gay. But by the, by the fifth time, we'd be very comfortable together. Yeah. By the fifth time I'm sucking on it really good. The first two,

I'm pretty hesitant, but by time three or four, I'm throwing it. You know what I mean? Like, but by the fifth time, you don't even think about your wife. Yeah.

By the fifth time you are in love. You think about it by the, by the fifth time you think about me think about your wife while we're doing it. Yeah, by the fifth time you are in love with me. By the fifth time you think about me when you're having sex with your wife. Yeah, yeah. By the fifth time you're asking me to move into your house, you know what I mean? And wear little dresses around the house. Professor, if you pull the handle in this simulation... in this simulation.

Professor, if you pull this handle, you have sex with me 1,000 times. And if you pull this handle, you have sex with me 50,000 times. The same one as earlier, but like 100-fold. Sir, if you could have sex with me either 100,000 times or 5 million times, which would you have sex with me that many times for? And by the way, I'm not okay with any of it. We have to pull the handle to decide, Professor.

Sir, you have to either assault me 100,000 times or 5 million times. At least by 5 million, I definitely am used to it. Again, I appreciate the question. It's a very thought-provoking question, a perennial question of philosophy. Can't say anybody's asked me that before. I really don't understand why, you know, because the trolley problem is a classic. It's a great thought experiment. It really helps students understand why in both options are we having sex having sex numerous times this is this uh this goes out to everybody in the in the lecture hall

why do you think this is the case oh uh i was referring to the charlie problem which is where growing up my friend charlie would say you can either have sex with me 100 times or 500 000 times and i would usually pick the lower number. Okay. I don't really want to this isn't the time or place to delve into Oh, look who's here. Charlie himself.

Oh, I really don't feel like we should have Charlie, do you have a question? Yes! Okay, Charlie, take it away take it away charlie would you rather have sex with me 500 000 million times or 200 billion quadrillion times um i don't really understand 100 000 times can we get 550 000 or zero times one million times uh since that would equal zero i think i would take that option charlie thank you so much that is the largest number somebody please can we get charlie out of here um we were talking about it I'm a snowman help

help the edible's hitting too hard I'm having a hard time here oh fuck man we've taken like the gas station version of what Lil Wayne is on every day. It's like Mucinex fast acting in Euro Delta 9 or whatever.

Yeah, I'm on fake weed edibles. We somehow do a parody episode of this show. Like we make fun of this show. You know what I mean? Are you just drinking that shit like it's a soda you sick fuck the cap so you have to drink the rest of it

I'm out of the night time I only got day time now and I'm gonna get up on night moves I am a man of constant sorrow. I've seen trouble all my days. I thought that was fucked up. I thought George Clooney sang that.

Yeah, dude, me too. I fucking love that song, man. That's a good-ass song. I still listen to it every once in a while. Yeah, I'll bump it in the whip for sure. It's a really good song. I'll tell you what else I'll – I think it's Turnpike Troubadours, Long Hot Summer Day. Oh, hell yeah.

Dude, it's the season for it. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. It says – Yeah, dude, you fucking turn that shit on, and I want to start drinking again, dude. Oh, my God. It's so nice. Such a nice song.

That's a day drinking song. Like, I don't work outside anymore, but I put that shit on, and I'm like, dude, I work for the fucking union. Dude, you can just be in the car and just pretend. That's so much better than actually having to. You're coming on the way home from the mines. You're like, you know. Whenever I first got the truck, I would just like chain smoke in it and just listen to songs like that off my Bluetooth speaker. That's the peak of Bachelor Live right there.

I don't necessarily miss it. There's a time and a place for that. And you have to remember, I'll be like, man, those were the days. I they weren't i was so they weren't no i have i have times like that it was the only good part of my life was smoking cigarettes in my truck yeah this is like terrible everything else is is falling the fuck apart i'm like what else was I doing? Just sitting on my porch. Yeah. Yeah. Drunk. Yeah. Yeah. I like, I like having,

I've like, you know, comes up in conversation. It's like, what do you think? Like, like, what's like your,

at your current age, like the best time of your life, like the best, like things just, and I realized that I think my answer forever was when I was 19, I was living in these apartments my rent was like $300 a month I was drunk every day and I was just like high as shit all the time and that was my answer for like so long and I realized that was not the it was just like the most uh I guess

easiest because like when everything we've talked about it before but it's like when everything falls apart like you don't as things are falling apart it's really bad but when everything falls apart it's kind of liberating in a way like there's like there's there's literally like there's nothing else other than death that could happen to me you know like i have like i guess i could become i guess the next step is homelessness. Yeah, or you could get... Or you could have sex with me 500,000 times. Or you could have sex with me 1 million times. Or there could be some kind of evil spider.

That could inflict some damage for sure. Hey, Thomas. Thomas. Thomas. I want you to go to Home Depot Thomas And pull your penis out in front of the succulents Thomas Not in front of the succulents

They're also over watered Yeah you gotta Water them more Fuck The evil spider just makes you give plants At Home Depot root rot It doesn't make you do a mass shooting or anything. You're like, overwater all the succulents.

Not the Haworthias. No. Go get the Chrismantiums and overwater them and fuck them. You gotta fuck everything up. They're like, I'm like, oh, so you're arresting me Just because I Watered the plants They're like No we arrest you Because you have your cock out

And you're jacking off And you just You just You keep asking all the All the Immigrant women Who work here If they would rather

Have sex with a dog 500,000 times Or have sex with a dog 5 million times And I'm like Oh so free speech Is illegal That's what our new Like uh Instagram Real show needs to be have sex with a dog five million times. And I'm like, oh, so free speech is illegal. That's what our new Instagram

reel show needs to be. Would you rather get fucked by a horse 500,000 times or fuck your dad five million times and then he shoots you in the head? Would you rather get fucking hit by a car A hundred million times Or stomped on the fucking ground

A hundred trillion times And then you have sex with a dog One hundred times Or you have sex with a cat One trillion times You're like going up to like Fucking like alt girls And and cool zoomers. Like fully grown man.

Beard grown out. Hey, what's good, family? I'm with the street talking real ass motherfucker show. And they're like, okay. And you're like, me and my host Thomas, we go and we ask real ass questions to real ass people with the drip like you guys. How long y'all been together? Would you fuck a cat a hundred times for ten bucks? He's like, probably.

Yo, is this your girlfriend? Hell yeah. Would you let her get hit by a truck one million times or would you burn her alive five trillion times? Would you let your girl have a train run on her and then they take all her skin? Or would you rather she gets eaten by ants for a thousand years? Yo, yo, yo, let me go

let your girl go through your phone and you go through her phone. And then if she goes through your phone and you're cheating, she has to get hit in the face with a big sword by me forever. Would you rather let God

go through your phone or treat him with me and then all three of us get killed after? Would you rather have $100 million and go on a date with your second app or we go to Olive Garden and we get killed for conspiracy? Or we go to Olive Garden and we get killed for conspiracy. I like how we started off with the wigger voice and we're slowly entering the child voice. No, this is my noise. I'm not even meaning to. Oh, this is the lean voice. This is Robo-tripping Thomas.

This is my health voice. Yeah, Robo-Tom. I'm one of the healthiest guys in the world. You're the healthiest podcaster, I think. When I drink health syrup, I get very sharp. I get very acute. And, you know, maybe I do have a calculus exam in 12 hours, but there's another way to look at it. And that's you have to be strong for your exams.

You have to get strong. You have to get healthy. You have to get fertile. You have to get mentally sharp. And I feel sharp. You're on scuba from Skyrim. I feel sharp as a tack. Yeah.

All right. Would you rather build a brick out of the bones of your family, build a brick house out of the bones of your family, or watch your girl get a train run on her by everybody who lives in Honduras? hey how many how many bodies you got girl um excuse me yeah i'm with the real ass uh fucking poop show we're on we're on the the vice uh the fucking vice communist network with the real ass fucking poop show. We're on the vice, the fucking vice communist network with the fucking communist drug news. Yeah. How many bodies you got, girl? Is this on YouTube?

Hello? Oh. Is this on YouTube? Yeah, it's going to be on fucking Pornhub. It's going to be on fucking Pornhub. I have, I mean, I've only been with like three or four guys. Damn, you nasty as hell. That's gross as fuck.

Fuck you. Fuck you. You nasty as fuck. How about you, bro? How many bodies you got? Fucking like, you know, two. You're going to hell. Would you rather go to hell for having sex with two men or would you rather have sex with me right now at this ball?

Would you rather eat pussy for a thousand years and your grandma watches and she blasts off to it and she she masturbates for 100 years or instead of that you have to go back in time and marry Casey Anthony but you're an adult and she's a little like a really young teenager probably 13, 14 years old you have to get in a child bride marriage with her

so she don't grow up and kill her baby and that makes you a pedophile but it also makes you a savior but people don't know up and kill her baby. And that makes you a pedophile, but it also makes you a savior. But people don't know that she would have done that. Yo, we're with the fucking philosophy, the dark philosophy Christian podcast. My name is Trenton Togerman,

and this is my co-host Stinky Billy. And Stinky Billy, I want you to hit him with the first question of the night. Oh, yeah, what's up? Would you rather drink a milkshake with Moo Moo or have a smoothie with Dompy? Yeah, that's that real shit. That's the type of questions you get from the... You just start hitting them with the microphone. You start...

Tasing them with a stun gun. We worked our way up, man. Like, we started doing... We started doing... First, we were doing subway shows with just a phone microphone. And now we're on the impulsive network. And I get to rather, would you rather eat a bowl of soup with a fat bitch or kill yourself?

Um, would you rather, would you rather fuck all of the fucking little pigs at the zoo Or would you rather have to go to the farm And fuck those pigs instead Would you Would you rather eat mashed potatoes With the fluke demon

Or would you rather drive a 08 Camaro And it got a den on it 08 Camaro and it got a dent on it. Would you rather go to school and learn how to cut hair or fucking be an old fashioned hangman? You gotta pull the lever and then the floor come out. Motherfuckers be swinging.

Would you rather be a would you rather work for the city or you could be Would you rather work For the city Or you could be An old ass wizard On top of a mountain And you fucking Cast spells and shit

And the townspeople Hate you Would you rather be The strongest man in the world Or the most accurate sniper But your bullets Can only hit Chinese people Bad luck for you Would you rather work At the border patrol strongest man in the world or the most accurate sniper but your bullets can only hit Chinese people.

Bad luck for you. Would you rather work at the border patrol and you have to suck all the guys dicks that are trying to cross the border or would you rather be Darth Vader? Would you rather kill Hitler with a rocket launcher or smoke meth with my friend Kevin?

Would you rather have sex with me and my friend, my co-host, right now, or would you rather die for refusing the other option? Would you rather be a cowboy in the 1900th century, or would you rather get your hand chopped off in a mining accident and it blows up and you go home to your wife

and her name is Carintha. And Carintha says, oh no, what happened to your hand? You say, shut up, bitch, and you fucking leave her. And then you go on the road with me and we make millions of dollars and we work for Barstool. Sound like a deal? Yeah, thanks for coming to Dark Philosophy

Christian Zoomer Podcast, bro. Yeah, we're signed to Barstool. Yeah, we're signed. Me and Dave Portnoy, we hang out together. Would you rather do this interview or not get date raped by Dave Portnoy? Oh, fucking God damn it dude Yeah man That's a good idea for a show This is the best idea for a show

I've ever heard in my life Man Oh my god dude Those guys are so awesome Like I said professor it's just assimilation. Professor, this whole show has been assimilation. And the thing is, though, is that when I get my assimilation rap off the ground, I'm going to come in here and I'm going to kill everybody in this classroom.

It's going to be the same people in here, too. It's not going to be in the assimilation, either too It's not gonna be in the simulation either It's gonna be in this one Yeah Yeah Yeah I'll be in that pussy I'm a nasty ass fucking

Like cucaracha in that fucking Stinky pit baby girl Yeah I put down the fucking wrestling mats, and I start carving it up with a knife because that's how I fucking get it. I start getting down, bitch. I treat it like a ham. Yeah, I treat that shit like a pinata, baby. I just fucking get a big-ass ass stick and I start poking at it.

Yep. I treat it like a whale that got washed up on the fucking sand. Yeah, I'm fanning it. I'm trying to keep it cool. Try to roll it back over. I'm fanning it. I got 16 guys from the party over by the other tent and we're trying to roll it over back into the ocean. If I saw a whale washed up on the ocean, I wouldn't tell anybody.

I wouldn't give a fuck. Would you rather be a whale washed up on the ocean trying to get flipped over by 16 guys, or would you rather be a different type of whale? If I saw a whale washed up on the fucking shore, I would just sit on it and I would look at my fucking phone and I wouldn't give a fuck at all. And when people

came up next to me and they saw a dead whale, they'd say, what the fuck, man? What happened? I'd say, I killed this fucking whale. Yeah, I punched it one time. I don't give a fuck about nothing. I didn't give a fuck about its well-being. It's my fucking whale now, bitch. I do whatever I well-being. It's my fucking whale now, bitch. I do whatever I want with it.

It's my carcass, motherfucker. Yeah, I'm a fucking evil-ass fucking anti-science world guy. I saw a live whale one time in the ocean. At the bottom of it. I fucking held onto his tail for three hours. Yeah, I spun him around like fucking Mario does to Bowser, and I threw him fucking into the other ocean. And I ain't had no scuba tank.

I ain't had no fucking scuba pool either. It's my whale, bitch. I do what I want with it. 15,000 leagues under the sea, motherfucker. What you think? What you think? I'm down there with a fucking fish what got the lamp on their head.

I done forgot what leagues means. I think it's a half a mile. Damn. Damn. Man, this podcast and shit fucking hard as hell when you got a brain over gas station weed. It's hard as hell to hold got a brain full of gas station weed. It's hard as hell to hold a normal conversation with your friend

when you got a head full of weed from the gas station. What do you mean? Yeah, I went down to the gas station and they got shit down there called fucking Gooby Gobs and Uncle Willie's Sweet Treat

and I got me a bag of the gooby gobs and as it turns out it's fucking bad for you and I'm having a hard time not convincing myself that I got every type of cancer but I have an obligation to do this show

my name I don't know what an expectorant even is I think I don't know what an expectorant even is. I think. I don't even know. It makes you cough. It makes you cough. This has a cough suppressant and an expectorant. But I think it wants to be to me neutral.

Hold on. Let me Google what an expectorant is. I think it means. I bet it tries to force mucus out of your system. An expectorant is a type of cough medicine used to help clear mucus from your airway. So it does make you cough. Okay, but yeah. Dutch!

I'm tired of doing these harebrained schemes, Dutch. Arthur! We gotta go rob the... Arthur, it's me, Bill Clinton. I joined the Red Dead DLC, Arthur. Arthur, I'm gay. Arthur, I'm Bill Clinton, and I'm a pedophile.

In real life and in the simulation, Arthur. Bill, I'm gonna have to ask you to get the fuck out of here with that shit. Hey, if you're listening to this. Bill, I told you to stop bringing Jeffrey Epstein to our campsite. I told you to stop. He's taking all the good women. He stole my 12-year-old wife.

Arthur, I told you, he's a simple boy, Arthur. He don't mean no harm. Him and I are from Arkansas together. We went to law school together. There's something about him I just can't put a finger on that I don't like. He may be a convicted pedophile, Arthur. I think it's his sandals. He wears sandals with jeans.

He wears sandals with jeans and a Harvard sweater, which to me, if there was an outfit, if there was an official regalia for pedophiles, that of course would be it. The type of Jesus sand sandals what you'd wear if you if you went to one of them portland high schools and then the jeans that that are so starched you could fucking do a line off of them and then the harvard sweater what you didn't even go there hey if you're listening to this that means it's the free episode uh and if you're listening to this, that means it's the free episode. Thank you. And if you thought this was funny, then you should kill yourself.

I'm just kidding. You shouldn't. You should keep living because life every fucking day is a goddamn gift, and I do mean that. I don't mean that. I have come completely around. I have abandoned my childish nihilism, and I've entered a new frame of thinking. I am grateful to suffer.

It is a wonderful thing. Big City Jake over here know whatever yeah i'm fucking i'm even on the worst days man this is a fucking awesome thing got going on here i'm trying to do you know those instagram reels where like theo von will start he'll be like dude i saw a puerto rican eat a whole fucking cat one time, dude. But in the same episode later on, he's like, there's a darkness. It's always within me. And I tell people. His episodes, I've watched a whole one. He'll be like, yeah, dude, me and a bunch of fucking Korean guys, we got on a boat, dude, outside of, I think we were on Malibu Beach.

We got on a bunch of boat dude we just sailed out there for about 10 years we and we and we sucked on each other a bunch the only way we stayed alive and then 30 minutes later he's like i never felt good i just never felt okay and if you got something in your life worth holding on to you better grip that thing tight um anyway i had sex with a lizard when i was in this cult when i was in this cult with my dad thomas you look like you're gonna throw up are you all right no i'm good hey we should probably cut this off hey you should go to patreon.com slash the day of time and you should uh you should hit that subscribe button. It's a $5 tier. Gets you an access to a bonus episode every week

brought to you by yours truly. I got a whole backlog of those with some really funny guests. We have P88s in there somewhere. My friend Ben Avery. Shout out to Lemon Party Ben. Felix is in a couple of them. Whatever the fuck. And drop to that tier.

$10 a month. Gets you access to all that shit the discord plus a video episode a month we just filmed one thomas is uh cruising along on that and it'll be out shortly um and there's another $50 tier but you don't gotta subscribe to that alright bye goodbye