Pendejo Time - Twinkie LeFondler

Episode Date: December 19, 2025

His wet flesh smashed against her normal mound "im the vampire that fucks you. and I remember every bad fuckin thing that ever happened to me in my whole goddamn life." patreon.com/pendejotime PHILLY 

It's your poor puberty up in the business. Yeah, making it rain. Welcome to Sway in the morning, puberty. You got 16 bars for us today? Uh, no. Do I need to? I mean, that's kind of the whole point of the show. Okay, all right, I'll do it.

Oh, I hope I don't get scared. Y'all mind if I drink this chocolate milk before? As much as you want, baby. It's sway in the morning. You got more to drink? Okay, okay, dang, that's a big jug. That's a big jug, puberty. Oh, man, my stomach hurt.

I'm not supposed to drink milk if it ain't chocolate. Okay. But is that all of it you got? Or you got more of it? Yeah, it's chocolate milk with olive oil. Oh, that classic drink. That's why the gulp in is so loud. That classic drink.

beverage. All right. You got a beat or what is it? Yeah, I got a beat. Yeah, one second. All right, puberty. Straight out of Brooklyn, New York, it's puberty. Yeah, puberty, death row puberty.

Extremity. Yeah. I'm taking extremities, swimming with Timothy. Oh, yep. And he's looking at me skinnerly. Yep, skinning me alive, taking my skin off. And then he looks in my thighs He's looking at my spine

He says that it's white I'm a white guy And I have white legs And my organs is made out of bread Yep And made out of a loaf And then I cut his head off And then I'm out of the toast

Puton Hooson Yep French That's the French word Crouton Yep I'm sleeping on the futon who's on it me

puberty the man with the sticky feet from wear too many different kinds of French socks

yet French rocks all up in my shoes socks shoebox full of people talk to him I kill tiny people I kill tiny people

put him in a pair in my shoebox I saw a tiny man and he was green he high from lily pad to lily pad till he was mean

I think his name was Bill Liminskeen and he told me me I saw a fly his name was human I saw a dragon and his name was numerine yep now I feel so exuberant the man who turned into a million Cubans a million Cuban sandwiches made of gold

and that will never get old I got a chain made a mold and your girl at my house and she'd take it off her clothes and she put her back on it and then she fold them all she's wearing them I don't care If I come across a little arrogant I don't give a fuck if I eat Asparagus and pee in my mouth And it tastes amazin

Yep That shit tastes amazin And I love it When the blunts get embarrassing Yep I'm sitting on fare Then I go and I wear another layer Of onions

To smell bad Yep And I got up on the helipad And when Kobe tried to land I shot his legs I made him take back off and going to the mountain And I killed his daughter on purpose And I kill the rest of his family

I'm about to kill Kobe Bryant's ex-wife And the rest of his kids And all the people he knew And they explode them on the mountain And exploding them Ha ha! Wow They said he was next up

But I didn't believe in puberty Yeah, I didn't either I didn't believe it either I'm the girl on the show Yeah, that's crazy Hey girl Hey, you say, wow, how old are you to be on the radio? How old are you got to be to be on radio?

You probably don't have to be any certain days to be on the radio. I'm 19. I'm 19. I'm Sway's daughter. All right, well, I won't make it weird then. I was going to make it weird. I think I might have. I couldn't really decide whether to make it weird or not, but I decided not to. That's awesome. That's so cool you are on the radio, just like Sway your daddy. I remember he was 200 pounds.

He was 200 pound 9 year old Just like you What's the name of your album called Puberty? It's called Legends Grow Legs And Grow Out of Laundry And Get Out of the laundry basket And run out into the street And get hit by a bus

So it's experimental It's like I'm trying to go viral I'm trying to be on the top Of the billboard charts Nobody wants me because I smell bad I smell like horseshoes So you got to

the Alchemist, and you got Wokinney on some of the beats. Tell us some other producers you're working with. Roman Polansky. Who else? I got a DJ Woody Allen. Very awesome. I'm working

with Antoine, the canceled guy from Brock Hampton, I think. No, he was not in Brockhampton, but he did have a couple. No, Antoine was just the big... Antoine. I'm working with a different guy called Antoine, actually. I used to work with him at five below

And he got cancelled from five below That's crazy For not coming to work on time And I also heard that The last beat that we just heard was from This mysterious producer We've been trying to figure out his real identity But he just goes by the destroyer

What should know about him What can you say about the destroyer All I know is his first name is thee And I know and I know that he is a cannibal. Oh, shit, for real? Yeah, so he's very hard to work with any female or male artist that he works with. He can't get away without leaving him some of your flesh.

Oh, so you had to give him a little bit of skin to get that beat. Yeah. Yeah, I gave him the bottoms of both of my feet. Oh, okay. That was a huge mistake. I've been in a lot of pain ever since. I'm sorry to hear that beauty. I wish I picked even just the bottom of one of my feet,

and then the top of, maybe just the tops of my feet. Yeah. And I can wear sticky sandals. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Yeah, that's, my main merch thing I've been working on is sticky sandals. The sandals is the only sticks to the bottom of your feet and there's nothing on top. So people think you barefoot.

Oh. But really, you wear like Dr. Shoals type insoles. And it's held onto your foot with a chemical that burns the skin. So you're trying to get in the shoe game like Kanye, like in the rap game. Except that's controversial Okay, well Yeah, because he's had a lot of controversies of the past I think that

I have a new shoe, it's called It's called A Grabber and Killer Okay In elementary school, blowing up Buildings and kids So there's three, wait, there's three lines of shoe or that's the name of

one shoe? It's the name of one of the shoe, that's the name of the left shoe Okay, okay, I'm sorry The right shoe is called It's called the Lebron six. Okay, so the left shoe is the grabber and the killer and the elementary school blowing up a destroyer and the right

shoe is LeBron 6. LeBron 6 named after LeBron James six times. Okay, got you. All right. That's good. Okay, now can you describe the look of the shoe? What does it look like? It looks very bad and is an uncomfortable wear. It looks very hard

and you'd be correct in thinking that. It only comes to one size. That's the size of 16. so it don't cover the top of your feet it's big it's big and it glues to the bottom of the skinning your feet with a type of chemical yep it does that on the left foot

so who I just got to ask like who inspired you to like who's some of your fashion inspirations make you do something like this uh man I draw a lot of inspiration from Troy Savant Okay

Tyler the Creator Who else, man Chopin The The symphony man Chopin Yeah Toppo Chico

Topo Chico The Soda Yeah yeah Yeah okay Texas Wildlife Magazine Oh nice Nice

You think I'm naming stuff in my room? You think I'm looking at my spare bedroom looking at the wall? Yeah. No, I feel you. I'm on the radio right now. What's your favorite? Sway? Yeah.

Could you tell me something you like? Mm. I like a nice Argentinian Malbeck. It's a type of red wine. And I don't know why it's called. I think I don't know why it's called Malbec. Is that like Marbec? Marlborough?

Yeah, kind of. Oh, Malbeck is a type of grape. So I like a nice Argentinian Malbeck as a wine. I like to drink it. And then I like to give some to my kids. Bold, inky, and unforgettable. That's the name of my wine line. I like that.

Yeah, inky. Yeah, so like we... What the slogan we're working on is drink inky and get stinky. because you drink a lot of the Malbeck red wine and you go to the bathroom on yourself. Poop and pee at the same time. Oh, yeah. You get the kind of fucked up where like all of the fluids come out.

Poop pee, come and bomb and throw up. Yeah. You become sort of... Does it all come out of one hole? No, it comes out of all the holes. Like a sprinkler system. Oh, I like that. Yeah.

If I did it, it would still come out of all. holes but be like on a sprinkler system with different zones so I could have any liquid come out of any spot I could have come Yeah yeah out of my ass Very quickly because of the pressure

I'd have the other zone shut off Don't you wish You should be able to do that If you're hooking up with a girl you don't like that much You should be able to shut out The comb really fast on her wall.

And then leave? And then throw up and leave. But the throw up is real. Is the cum fake? No, I come true. Okay. You don't like the girl. But you know that trick, you know that trick where you can't come see

throw up in your hand and you're telling you. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I know that one. That old gag. Yeah. There you go. Oh, my guy's had a male orgasm. I just had an amazing male orgasm.

Oh, yeah. That's awesome. You did so good. I just made, I just came in, it was orange. You did so good. Had corned. Yeah. Oh, man, I was having such a use.

You should have the lights off for this. Yeah. It's why I wanted the lights off and my clothes on. You ever take a shower and then like you bathe yourself and then like you put on deodor and everything and then like even like 30 minutes later you like you stink really bad i don't know what's been going on with me it could be the fact that i uh that i don't really uh move around much and maybe my body thinks it's dying and i've been kind of like hold up in my room for like a couple

weeks sometimes when i'm dehydrated it'll do that yeah i still i mean i just showered and just put on deodor and i smell like it like the assin of a mule dude i stink like shit it's really pissing me off because i'm i'm podcasting with you and I lift my arm absolute fucking nightmare I mean it's just completely What's your water intake looking like? I'm actually drinking like three of these

cock suckers a day because I'm on a bunch of medicine where if I don't drink water I basically go insane Apparently you're not supposed to take a bunch of mood stabilizers and then not drink water for like two days Just not supposed to do that So yeah I drink a lot I do drink a lot of water

I think it has something to do with the fact that I'm pretty sedentary and I haven't really been eating a lot of food that's like I guess what you would call meals I've been eating a lot of ingredients so I've been eating a lot of chips and then I've been eating a lot of like chocolate covered almonds and I've been eating a lot of like blackberries just kind of stuff that's in my fridge that's probably bad but I don't I haven't gone grocery shopping in a little while so I'm kind of just like Yeah. You know what I mean?

So I'm just letting you know that's. That's pretty depressing to hear about, Jake. That's okay. I'm actually on a really good diet. I had part of somebody else's sandwich. And then for around breakfast time, it was very tiny. And then went to just get a bagel after work. Just a, just give me like a plain bagel.

Yeah. If you just like toast a plain bagel on my way home. which is like a dollar, $1.50 or whatever. I was trying to be cheap. Yeah. And then the guy was a huge dick about this $5 card minimum they had. But there was no, in my experience, you know, sometimes they'll have a minimum. But they always have a sign up.

Yeah. Or a little note that says, hey, $5 card minimum. Then you know, go into the transaction planning. But instead they fully prepared it and then they said, you know, $5 minimum. We're not doing this unless you have $5. or whatever. And I did have $5, but I just didn't want to spend $5 on this bagel transaction. Correct.

So I ended up getting a second cold bagel. Yeah. And a can of Coke Zero. And then angrily ate two plain bagels on the way home from work with a Coke Zero. That was basically how I broke a fast. And then I ruined a pizza. I've ruined a frozen pizza by... I made more sauce.

for it because it didn't really have much sauce on it. And I just poured all this sauce on top of it. And then put in the oven and I made it just fucking horrible pizza soup. And it made me so, man, I wanted to fucking cry, dude. I was so fucking angry

because I haven't been smoking or anything. I haven't been... I've been completely sober for a few days now. I mean, it really made me upset. And it was funny as, man, so Eden comes over. She had asked me to make more sauce, but she meant like we could dip the pizza into the sauce

and make it yummy and I poured it all over the pizza and I tried to pick off the frozen cheese and then put it back in chunks on top of the other sauce and she was laughing and I was like clearly annoyed

and she was like you don't have to be upset you know you don't have to be upset about it and I was basically like I hate my fucking life I hate almost every single part of my life so much I hate, I was like, I go to my job And I fucking hate it there And I don't like the people there

And then I fucking, what do I do next? Okay, I pick up trash and dead pigeons all fucking day And then I come home and I make fucking wet pizza For everybody to have for dinner We all eat fucking wet pizza as a family Is this why I can't, is this what I moved in New York for? Eat fucking wet pizza, wet freezer pizza and it was I knew it was funny as I was saying

I was like my fucking God I've created it was a fancy frozen pizza too it was like one of the $12 frozen pizzas and I made it all fucking wet yeah and it's she had a few bites to try and make it seem like an edible pizza but I'm going to have to eat the rest of this fucking

sauce on the counter. Did I, I don't know if I ever told you. I've ruined, I've ruined a pizza. I've never, I've almost had zero pizza that was bad in my life. I've had, I've had pizza that was weeks old. Yeah, me too. And enjoyed it. Yeah, it's delicious.

I've made a, I've made a, I've made a fucking goulash. I'm surprised the oven isn't wet. Yeah, that was that much sauce? What the fuck? It was a lot of sauce, and I was trying to hide it when the pizza came out, and I was trying to scoop out some of the sauce and then put it back into the sauce pan from the extra sauce I made, which I didn't even pour it all in there. And then I was just putting cheese back into the sauce,

and I'm scraping up all the cheese on accident. And so then I'm just trying to mix everything together on top of the crust. She made like a wet doughy, like. And the dough is all in the mixed sauce. That's awesome, dude. It's all fucked. Dude, I remember one time... It tastes it okay, though.

The thing is, the one saving grace was I made a decent pizza sauce. You know, next time. I cooked it down. I cooked down some crushed tomatoes and... Oh. ...with some olive oil and Italian seasoning and stuff. And then I just poured it on top of a perfectly good pizza and cooked it into some red ice cream thing. man dude

the first few days I mean I don't consider myself to be addicted to wheat or anything is the thing either or alcohol or anything but my God I've been like a fucking

I've been like a dog in heat just running around dripping blood everywhere running around I mean what the hell people don't want to see that like the third or fourth time actually came

to my old, old apartment, like when we first started doing the show. I was like, oh, I'm going to make us some ramen, because she really liked this Houston ramen place called Ginia. The place where I took you and I got us that steamed pork bun and you looked at me like I had shown you a picture of Jesus, like actually Jesus Christ. Oh, yeah, the bow. Yeah, yeah. It was amazing.

Yeah. She was like, oh, I want homemade ramen. And I was like, dude, I got this shit. I'm going to fucking amaze this bitch. we've maybe been dating like two months and so I go to the grocery store and I was drunk and I just start grabbing

what I think is like normal like just normal broth and like sauce and stuff and then I'm grabbing like I'll go to the Asian part of the store and I get like noodles and like seaweed like crispy seaweed and I go get some eggs

I don't fuck with eggs but proper ramen you know got to get that egg in there and dude I fucking I spent like a pretty spent like two hours making the ramen

look aesthetically very pleasing and she's driving in from Houston so I wanted to be ready while she's there and I'm like making it and I'm like I wasn't I don't remember why but I like never taste tested it or anything I was like

no, I'm going to save it, like, we're going to have it together, whatever. So I never, like, gave it a taste test. And so, like, she gets there, and, like, as she's getting there, like, I'm putting the piece of the crispy seaweed on top, and I've, like, cut the hard boil, like, the slow, hard bowl egg in half, and I have it on there. And I'm like, oh, you're just, you're just in time, perfect timing. How romantic. And she's like, oh, you actually made it.

I didn't, you know, I figured we could go somewhere. And I was like, yeah, I'm fucking pretty much, like. a huge set of nuts and like $30. So I'm pretty much the coolest fucking guy, and I'm really drunk. So I'm pretty much the coolest guy there is, and I'm the best boyfriend in the world. She, like, puts a spoonful of it in her mouth

and immediately spits it out. Like, it doesn't even... She's like, oh, oh. And I was like, oh, yeah, it just came out of the pot. It's like, is it probably... And I added a little bit. She's like, oh, my God.

I'm so sorry. This is, this is, like, so so salty Jacob like what did you use and I was like oh I just used like some Ponzu sauce and like a ramen base and she

was like did you did you add water and I was like no you don't have to and then I like go into the box I had just thrown like I'm not kidding like eight cups of concentrated ramen like goo broth and then cooked it down

even more and then thrown in like a whole thing of salted chicken stock in there to where like it was like ocean water salty like I tried a spoonful of it and immediately like my body rejected it like if you were to try to drink the sea like I it was like

and she was like I know this looks really good like I know you but like just maybe read the box next time and I was like you I got like so mad that I was like I was like I was telling her I was like yeah like it's normal for me to act like this I was walking on the house She's like do you want to go somewhere

I was like no I think I'm just gonna stay in the fucking house I think I'm gonna stay in the fucking house And fucking just I'm not even fucking hungry anymore She was like it's okay Like Just you know like You know you have to cut it with water

And I was like no Like Dude it just a whole pot Of like and it was chicken in there And like I dude it was probably like $60 worth of ingredients Just wasted Because I was just all ramen

concentrate and no water so it's like it legitimately like I think if she had tried to power through it like she would have had a stroke like it would have killed her like like it would have there would like the sodium I remember like trying like let me have another spoonful of from the pot

to see if I can mix it no like immediately my like my nose started burning and it was like it was so salty that like I think if one of us tried if she tried to out of the kindness of her heart eat it would have killed her like it was so fucked up like dead

C type shit. It's so gnarly. It's awesome. Yeah, really, really fucked up. I did it right the second time. I like, you know, cut it, but I was like, oh, no, certainly you just drink the ramen concentrate or whatever the fuck. She can't be that bad.

Do we have an ad read? No, we don't have an ad read. Fucked it. Fucked that. Dude, I fucked my algorithm up. I have, I've been watching a lot of videos of guys. it's dude it's December

it's December rest in peace I'm really fucking upset that he died rest in peace to Charlie Kirk it's December and guys are like Charlie's death made me

dangerous in the five following ways number one financially dangerous and it's like them got a spreadsheet open number two physically dangerous

and then it's like them punching the bag at Planet Fitness number three romantically dangerous And it's like them, like, standing next to a girl at a bar. Number four, mentally dangerous.

And it's like them reading, like, the 48 laws of power. And it's like, number five, spiritually dangerous. And it's just like them reading. And then I, like, I didn't know. I thought maybe I had just stumbled across, like, a guy who was having a mentally hard time. No, that's like a format. It's like a post, it's like an Instagram real format. There's a lot of guys who post that same video.

It's like that guy I told you about that I used to train jih Tzu with that said five reasons I'm a Christian nationalist. Number one, I'm a Christian. Number two, I'm a nationalist. Number three, I love God. Number four, I love the USA. And number five, I believe in Jesus Christ, which are pretty much, it's like five reasons why I'm red. Reason number one, I painted myself red. Number two, I like the color red and I painted myself that color.

number three I have red on me number four I ate red paint number five I'm red Anyway What are you looking at on your phone Guys dick some bullshit I was I was trying to see what my

Explorer page was The Essential Martini guide There's some Guinness There's been on a Guinness Kick lately they big buddy I haven't even been drinking I've just been watching videos Oh yeah

Lamborghinies Guinness let's see Here's a graphic of Shadora Sanders and the text on it is Snow Bunny Merchant I'm not sure

if that's okay for me to say That's fine It's fine, it's fine It's fine, it's fine AI video of Danny DeVito aging in reverse Let me see what

Puerto Rican slang 25 pounds of chicken fajitas challenge Um Subway takes Always fucking awesome I love subway takes Hope that guy never dies

Oh Yeah the Explore page Yeah it's got a little bit of everything Andrew Schultz Steroids Um Awesome Shane Gillis with a fidget spinner

Um Some more beers Um Some champagne There's just a picture of champagne I love that. That's classy. I want to ask you if you want to go to this with me,

and I think I'm only 22% kidding. So I found out about this from a fan. Thank you for sending me this. It's called The Sinners and Stardust Ball, and it is a gala, a dance event, and a reading event for book talk. Goth girls who like to read books about getting raped by vampire.

And so basically here is the caption, a moment that felt like hosiers yell. Just over here reminiscing about sinners last year. Can't believe we're only three months away. If you weren't able to get tickets for sinners, tickets for shadows and seduction in New Orleans in March go on sale next week. What was your favorite thing about Stardust? Reading some of these comments,

Um Oh Yeah, yeah Okay Whoever the vampire king was He can get it And I mean all of it Lots and lots of tear drop

emojis which I think means Pussy Juice I reply to this Loved the horned devil Not sure who was under that mask But would love to get him back In my hotel room next time Basically all these comments

are women I don't know if you know shout out sweaty whatever sweaty angle she had posted about these events

where the men who show up as the characters from the books every single time get sexually assaulted by the ladies every time

there's not like one where it doesn't happen so I figured it would be fun for you and me to show up fat skinny fat

and we could wear like I could be my name could be Draven Saint Saint Anger and you could be Arcturist the black and we could have

maybe just our ass cheeks out of black chaps and our guts hanging out over our pants and the guys that show up to this are they're the kind of guys that like they run fantasy and murder accounts like I didn't even know this was a thing

but there are guys who cosplay in LARP as guys who kill women. And their names are literally like Draven the Runner. Or like his whole bit is he's like a serial killer on the run from the law because he can't stop killing women. And I really want to go to this. It's on my birthday. March 13th through the 15th in New Orleans, tickets are pretty cheap because as it turns out,

it's really for only a certain subtype of women. And then guys who belong in pretty. prison. So if you're in New Orleans and you wouldn't mind hosting me, I think I'm going to go and I think I'm going to bring a beeping vest because I, it's just, that's what I'm thinking about going as. I think about going as Ethan Hawke and first reformed. I know women really like a killer and they like a man with moral complications. They do like Ethan Hawk. Yeah. What's the, oh yeah, there's a, the guy, whoever was the author for a book called Her Soul to Take, which is

just, let me read it for you. Also one called Fractured in Fear. If you can just think about these titles and think about maybe what they could be about, all of these women like to read this stuff, and then they get really mad and they call people sexist

for saying that the books are bad. Her soul to take, also, their names are always fucked up like Harley La Mystery. This girl's name is Harley LaRue. it's buffy but spicier focusing on intense enemies to lovers relationships between ray and a sexual demon a ghost hunter moves to washington states and encounters a demon who is part of a ritualistic sex cult and wants more than her soul

forcing her to rely on him for survival as ancient evil awakens described as spicy and edgy compared to Vampire, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, but with more explicit and potentially, uh, was it, uh, a potentially controversial content. Um, I would like to read a little bit from it. Herschel to take passages. Uh, I would like to read a little bit. Uh, if I could find, uh, Oh, no, I want to read a little bit of the book.

I don't want to read the Reddit reviews. I'll rip more than heaven and hell on this goddamn earth apart if I get a hold of you. Girl, bye. That's what you say to the demon? if you don't get your big demon dick out of my ass girl by in French there's a phrase for the random urge to jump from high places the irrational desire to swerve into traffic despite imminent destruction

Lapelle du vide the call of the void That explains a lot about driving Do you remember what I used to tell you? Manson said. When we were teenagers, we'd drive out of here to talk about shit. You tell me you didn't want to see another day. I remembered that.

Of course I did. I remembered the despair I felt, the pain we shared. How hopeless I'd been. If you can just get through this night, baby doll, you'll see the sun again, I said. Repeating those words, he'd told me back then. keep chasing that next sunrise i closed my eyes as i exhaled in front of him but the night feels really fucking dark manson and i'm still chasing sunrises yep pretty good stuff

i thought you know it's funny i thought i wouldn't like it that turns me on i'm trying to get to the fucking scene Oh, here we go. Her booty was big, like a black bitch's booty. Her pussy was normally colored. His cock was black. Like a black guy's, but he wasn't a black guy.

He was a demon. Which is different. Carefully with the sharpness of the knife tucked within the curved grip of his hand, he began to probe my entrance with the handle. It was hard, but warm from his head. hand. The edges were rounded smooth as it rubbed over my wet, swollen flesh. You're

going to get off on this knife, Jesse. He said, and I'm going to hold you open, nice and still, so you don't get hurt. Get the fuck. Girl by. Girl. He pressed his hand against my flesh, my flesh, pressing against his hand,

swollen on his hand with his swollen hand pressing against my flesh. I was wet. like his hand. His wet hands gliding in and out of my wet body. Fix you.

Oh, little wolf. I have no desire to fix you. I just want to see all your broken edges shine. I want to feel how sharp you are. Yeah. Yeah, I'm about had enough of this. Anyway, if anybody... Is this guy trying to seduce a kid?

I think it's a girl. Let me get a fucking peek at this fucking pussycat. Let me see... I'm not trying to fix you. I'm trying to fix you. smoother, your rough edges and turn you to a marble. Basically, a marble would be very,

a marble would be very delicious to eat for me. I'm like trying to make you a fresh shine like a shiny piece of metal, which I like to eat in Zuck-on. Harley-Lauru looks like the Gerblin lady. For those of you who are familiar with old-style content, she looks like, actually she kind of looks like Pete Wince

and the Gerblen lady had a baby, and she's a millionaire from this shit. See, this is the thing I wish I had an attention span and I derive joy from anything anymore. Because I actually have been wanting to cover this part of the world and maybe

some sort of article or essay or something. These ladies make millions of dollars from this shit. She's a New York Times best-selling author. The Losers Duet, House of Rain. Okay, there are they

I'm sorry I genuinely apologize That's not They That's their That's their pronouns The smut contained Within my pages

Is for adults only Wow Well I hope Fucking so Are you 18 plus? Yeah What's your next book called The Dare?

You know what Sometimes bro I think Sometimes I think Could I do it? Could I I operate under a pseudonym, like, what's a good one, like? Abraxas, the Drifter.

And Abraxas, the Drifter, and I got a book called The Haunters Hole. And it's about a guy who lives in a cave, and he fucks a whole bunch. And women come to worship at the altar, and he gives them such an incredible. incredible female orgasms that they quit their jobs to become, to move to Burlington. I want you to quit your job. Move to Burlington.

Put in at least a two weeks notice, preferably longer. We don't want to hurt your career. I want you to, before you put your notice, and hint, leave hints. And then over the course of the next few months,

eventually come to me, but have a plan and place. don't break your lease. My name is Twinkie Le Fondler. Twinkie Le Fondler. Yeah, basically, bitch is coming to me and I get the pussyware

with my fingers, which I'm made out of a cakey dough. Everybody back up, please back up. I know we're doing the book reading with Twinkie LaFandler. I understand. Miss, miss, please, please, please, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Put those, put them away.

Please, please, please, please. Okay, this is a Barnes & Noble, okay? Twinkie LaFondler will take questions, okay, from his book, The Haunted Hole, all right? Just, just please let Twinkie read at least a passage from his book, and then we'll take questions. I hate Twink, man, I'm sorry, it's just these ladies. Go ahead and read the, from the hot part. Oh, it's fine. Just read chapter 2, page 230. It's the everybody's favorite part.

Okay, okay. And then we'll go to the Q and I. Okay, go ahead, Twink. Twinkie's going to read now, ladies, okay? Twinkie's reading. To the big booty bitch, the piece of cake would go amazing, like a yellow piece of cake. She took a bites of it, tasting notes of rum,

notes of sugar, and a heavy note of cake. He turned to her, kissing her on the mouth. Her mouth was wet and fat like a wet. fat guy and he then he put his hand on her pussy. Her pussy was huge like a piece of shit that came out of his big

yellow ass. And her inside of her pussy was wet like a ducky. He put his finger and he ass and he felt it in there. Well, he had his finger and he could she coochie play with it basically

and making a whole room smell like wine. He took a drag from his vape with his other hand, coughing violently. He hacked up a huge green loogie, spitting it into the trash. She looked at him, you, why the fuck? Hey, how are you? He said, hey, can I fuck you? I'm the cake, I'm a yellow cake monster.

And she said, no, right, you can't. And afterwards After we fuck Maybe we can watch Let's watch a movie and then You won't kill me And he said All right

I'm gonna keep fucking You're gonna come soon It's gonna be red Like icing And so they did that And he came And his sweat was huge He came sweat out of him

And on her back Causing an acidic pain From her spine to her toes he he turned on a movie he was a princess bride he said the tragedy happened recently

regarding this movie she said well what as her legs shook from the male female orgasm she had was having from he had a finger

and he's an asshole he said I recently killed the man and his wife who made the movie I'm a yellow cake monster and I find the son due to his addiction issues

nobody thought that a yellow cake monster with red comb could have killed a beloved filmmaker and his wife by sweating their throats however it was something I wanted to do so it was something I did and the girl said that's crazy that's actually really bad you need to talk to somebody about that

he said I don't give a fuck he killed the bitch wow Okay, yeah, you guys get to see. That was Twinkie LaFondler's The Haunted Hole of Chapter 2, Pitch 230. Yeah, thank you. Quiet, please. It's a bookstore. Yeah, please, please.

So we'll take questions for Twinkie LaFondler starting now. Yes, you and the witch's hat with pink pasties on your. on your flat breasts. Yes, you. Who is the inspiration for the yellow cake monster? I don't remember, honestly. It's always inspired by myself, honestly.

Similar experiences I've had with women. Oh, wow, that's really hot. Especially growing up. I always had a merciful way with females being attracted. to me and But in many cases I've been the one manipulated

being led on to believe things like when we message me and need help with money or things like that and getting tricked a whole bunch to be completely honest and also a lot with ordering food online getting twicked

into people stealing it and taking stuff from me and the ways that that will inspire within me to kill and have sex all right I think that answers

your question I would say a big inspiration for me has been Ronald Wagon I've not a lot of my life after him

movie star very successful politician that part will have to see later in my life if that pans out but I do

think it will work that's incredible thank you okay yeah as it turns out we're actually running out of time so

Twinkie LaFondler will be signing autographs, copies of the haunted hole, and his newest book, Damn, that's a big booty bitch and the wizard, which is charting in the

New York Times. It is about to hit number one and might sell more copies than the Bible, if that's correct. Yeah. Certainly among some demographics. Thank you, Twinkie LaFondler. Thank you. You can buy my book

no matter what your age is. something I would like to add. Yeah, you can buy it if you're a little kid. You buy if you're an old lady or if you are a Muslim also. I think girls who were into the terrifier movies at that's who we

because I genuinely I remember listening to an episode of Truonon about the phenomenon or whatever and I was like, okay, this is like a niche thing. It's like a really big it's like a really big thing. Some of these books are like 8,900,000 pages and people get really, like, psychotically obsessed with

not, uh, they'll usually at these book readings, they'll hire like a male dancer to dress like the character. And yeah, apparently they, every time that guy gets sexually assaulted. Some of them get roofied. Which, um, which part of me is like, okay, so you're reading a book called like, you know, I don't know, the vampire's harlot. Okay, and you, you, you,

you're at a book reading and there's like a six foot two pretty jack guy, he's got abs and stuff, and he's got cheekbones, you know, he's pretty. You're just gonna, you're gonna,

you're gonna, uh, you're gonna, uh, you're gonna, uh, you're gonna, uh, you're gonna, uh, because of the book. Yeah, so I was still uncoctueged, but yes, I will be doing that after this. It's just not, it's not,

like, I feel bad. because the male actors they have like it was there was some article about one of it wasn't that uh imagine that happening no male actors I'm glad it only happens at book events yeah male actors probably get

raped a whole bunch of I imagine and as the book character we've got Corey Feldman here thank you Corey for coming out um highlighted his career my dad used to show me like old videos of him like when he was like

and it's kind of crazy how like everybody knows why he's fucked up and yet we all still laugh at him like a carnival side show like we i don't think people really i think i mean people care about it but i think for the most part a lot of there's there's a certain subsects people who don't really care that much about child abuse they like they really it's not even really like they're like eh you know what i mean like especially when his boys it's like yeah yeah yeah yeah does you know this tom saw yourself we were all into that when we were kids you know uh-huh yeah yeah Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's a right of passage to get jacked off at summer camp, you know what I mean? Yeah. I'm still trying. I'm still, yeah, I'm still going to the summer camps. I just can't get jacked on. I'm still volunteering. Yeah. Yeah, I'm still Mark Norman.

Still volunteering. Can't get jacked off. I'm a pester. I'm actually a nice guy. I don't really don't want to make fun of them. It's just a nice guy. It's okay. He doesn't listen.

I feel bad for some reason. I don't know. He just seemed like a... Hey. He's rich. Who gives a fuck? He's rich. He doesn't care.

He literally doesn't care. So picture this. You're rich. And some middling podcaster makes fun of you. What do you say? Who gives a fuck? Um, yeah, Mark, if you're out there, come on the show. Uh, any who's, yeah.

Oh, uh. How about this? How about, how about dark Norman? Hey, and I black. Yeah, what that? Okay, yeah, yeah. About shark Norman. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Lark, Norman? That's a type of. How about Park Norman? I hope I can fit in this space. oh yeah talk about a bad parking job car's kind of big i don't know if i can fit in here parallel i got a pair of nuts in my mouth uh what about uh nark normand he's over there officer yep that's pretty good yeah it's not bad thanks about um bark norman rough rough Rough, rough.

I bought a sharp Norman. Yeah, ouch. That's a sharp knife. Aye, aye, aye. What does Hark mean? I think it means... Like, look. Yeah, okay, Hark Norman.

Whoa. Look at that. No, it means to listen. Okay. Who gives this fucking shit? Suck my penis. Well. Oh, Shakespeare.

More like Shakespeare. Off of my legs. He's blood on me. Ah, yes. I hate getting sucked by a guy. Anyway, I wish I had as much money as him. I think I would probably...

It's okay. You will, Jake. I think I'll probably... What is the... It's a smart... It's all a zero-sum game. No, it's not. If somebody dies before you, you have more money than them.

Yeah. What's the sweetest, snuggliest animal I would kill to be in, to be Mark Norman? I don't think I would kill anything to be Mark Norman. I think I would probably kill, like, a seal or something. I don't. I would not kill any animal. Brother, I'm kidding. To be anyone, because I feel like that's a blood oath of some kind.

I feel like that's how you get it. I feel like that's how you join the bushes somehow. Yeah, there's a back end of that deal that you got to pay on later. Yeah, I was kidding. Yeah, you kill a seal to hang out with fucking carrot top. Yeah, carrot top and Ari Javier. Yeah. Oh, and Burke Krecher.

Yeah, God, I want to hang out with Kurt Krecher. I do. He's my fucking best friend, and you got to talk to him about that show, and he's listening right now. I feel like He seems like a guy who cries He seems like a guy who cries a lot You know what I mean?

Like there's a certain type of Dad cried type guy Yeah There's a subset of dads who cry a lot Yeah that's what I'm saying like I don't want to speak too soon I might end up being one If I

If my life completely goes to shit And I have a kid on accident My life is fucking ruined You know God forbid I'm just kidding I like to say stuff like that in case I have a kid some day,

and then they can go back and... Listen to all this stuff. See what this was all for. See that there's thousands of hours of their dad pertaining to be Shark Norman. Well, not even Shark Norman. Their dad's co-host being Shark Norman, their dad being...

How about this... How about Clark Norman? Clark Norman? What about Clark Norman? What is, who's Clark? Clark Kent? Or just a different, he's a brother or something.

I don't know. A different guy. Oh, okay, that's fine. Hey, I'm going to work. Bye, honey. I work at a store. Bye, bye, bye. Not a comedian.

Bringing grapes to the office. Oh, I wanted to, sorry to derail. I did want to bring something. No, dude, that was a killer joke. fucking threw me off. I wanted to bring I wanted to address something so a while back I wrote

an article about the gas station opiates and how I was addicted to them and I have learned over the past year that because the article kind of went viral and it made its way around the reddits and whatnot and I was grateful for that

and I got paid a little money and it was nice please go read the barbed wire I know the people that run it and they do accept pitches if you're a writer especially if you're in Texas they're nice people to work with and they do compensate fairly. Anyway

I came to my attention that I didn't break the story on that drug but I think I was a part of like a first wave of people really talking about it in a big way because several people now have reached out to me about

the article and how despite all of my warning in the article about how it's literally poison and they don't know what's in it and they've tested some of it and some of it is just the substance the chemical and some of it is like weird

research chemicals a lot of it's bad mixed kidneys fail and they're like hey man I read the article and I got super dude I've got like 15 messages in the last year they were like hey man I read your article about it and a dude

immediately went in to the vape store and bought some and yo the last year my life's been crazy just wanted to say i'm 22 days sober off of it uh and i wanted and and thank you for bringing it to my attention uh and yeah more people need to hear about it and i think it had like the opposite effect um because i was trying not raise awareness about it but just like they're selling heroin at the gas station so i thought i was like an interesting thing to write about especially as like a former but dude people have been messaging me like more lately like oh yeah as soon as I read your article, I went and bought something.

Man, you weren't kidding. You know, that stuff. Feels just like heroin. And I've been doing heroin a little bit, too, man. Things aren't looking too good, but just wanted to say that I like the article. Hey, I just want to let you know, thank you for reading it. Don't message me stuff like that. That's how you get your clicks.

Dirty roads. I don't want you guys. I'm not, I love it. I got a cool article here. You guys go try this shit. So today we're trying The viral Jake Rhodes heroin Herein he invented

And sells at the gas station Um We've got the Macha Dubai Jake Rhodes heroin It's green Yeah if you guys are fucked up on 7-0 Get off

And Sorry Jake calls us the green goblin mask Um fake heroin and he sells it he named it after his viral phrase

and this is his viral heroin you should have honestly you should start we should start making some merch just fake heroin that we're selling

from yeah and we just buy it from the gas station and rebrand it and then we will be arrested for something that will be on the news

forever the um the ring goblin mask thing. I really didn't even think that I didn't ever realize that maybe I was the first guy to make that joke until you pointed it out. And then I was

like, was I? And you were 100% the first one, because you pitched that stand-up bit to me, like six months prior and then you tweeted it one time, deleted it and now it's just part of the internet. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And I don't like to, I never want to be one of those guys. It's like, um,

I came up with that. But it was cool. It was interesting to see that that I think the tweet was that you had left, I was like, oh, like, Thomas left a couple of cores in the fridge, and they're talking to me like the Green Goblin Mask because I had been, like, three months sober or something. And then I was, like, doing that, I was doing that joke, but the joke was anti-Semitism talks to me, like, the Green Goblin mask.

And then, like, next thing I know, like, people are making hats of it. And I was like, oh, yeah, cool, I guess. It's kind of like your, it's kind of like the white baby thing where, like, I see fucking, dude, I saw a throw pillow on, like, an Etsy store that was, like, you can't be talking like that white baby, and it was in, like, a live, laugh, love font, and I almost bought it for you as, like, a gag Christmas gift. But, yeah, it's just weird, weird how those things. Like, glasses companies will do the glasses tweet.

Oh, I've seen, yeah, I think. And I'm like, oh, in your ads, all right, well, whatever. Who cares? Yeah, I get pissed I mean, if you Would to, like, tie yourself To a thing that's tied to brands now It kind of sucks

Because it's not really cool Oh, yeah, for sure You just kind of have to live in the moment And, you know, they can They can steal the sauce But they ain't got the recipe, you feel me? And I'm fit to make this sauce recipe And pour it all over

This wet-ass pizza I got And ruined my night Yeah, I'm gonna get sick off Some damn red dyes Yeah Yeah All the cops You're trying to steal my red dye.

I'm in the booth like Jeff die. Yeah, I'm in the booth 6'4 like Jeff die. I got my haircut, emo, like Jeff die. Yeah. I'm a white girl with slit. He's on me like Jeff die. White girl with slit wrists, I'm ready to Jeff die. Don't bring nobody with you that you ain't willing to let die.

Yeah. I'm rolling the dice. Call me Jeff die. Yeah. Mm-hmm. Yeah, I'm 6'4 I'm getting drizzled on, call me left thigh Whole house burning down

Call me left eye I think she was in a car wreck Called me left eye Are we talking about Lopez? She did burn down She burned down that dude's house Oh, I thought yeah, yeah Okay, she died in a car wrecked

Her man's house She burnt his, her man's house down For real, people used to be doing stuff like that Yeah People used to really be in love I don't think people are as in love was they used to be anymore. Oh, no.

Lexapro-Fied. Yeah, Lexaprofied. Yeah, Lexoprophy. Yeah, I don't want to steal the hack bit because, well, it's not a hack. It was a good joke, but like the joke that's like, you know, we need to bring back like men begging on their knees, R&B, like just begging even for a picture of a pussy. I agree. That was some good ass music.

But I think we're past that now. I think I have kind of a half-cooked idea that the reason we haven't had any. kind of generational musical moments is because we have evolved from that. There's none of that anymore. You're never going to get another Nirvana or Sex Pistols or Ramones

or Rolling Stones or any of that stuff because now everything just exists in little moments. So maybe I should start a R&B band called the, what would be called? Wet doctors. Bro, me and Mark Maron have been hanging out

listening to Geese? Oh, hell yeah, dude. Does Mark Maron have sex with girls that are like Into that? But I think he, this is he in bits where he like fucks girls that are like I mean, I guess if they're 30. That's fine. I don't fucking care for guys fucking 30-year-olds. I mean, either. You could be 100 and if you're fucking a 30-year-old, cool.

Yeah, who gives a fuck? I'm straight up. I don't give a fuck. I think Al Pacino's news. You could be fucking. Look, I was just saying, you can be fucking, you know, I'm just, I was listening. Yeah, yeah, I know, I know, I know, I know. I know what you're about to say, Tommy Romney, Tony Romo.

Oh, my goodness. Hell, they can all be fucking me. They can all be fucking me in my ass. I'm Al Pacino. What do you go? Oh, yeah, you're going back to Texas. Saturday. Nice.

And I fly back on Christmas. Oh, that's going to suck. Yes. Santa's lay. It's cheaper to do it. Really? That's actually surprising. I'm flying over there.

I'm flying over there if anybody wants to intercept a flight and kill me. I'm flying from New Jersey to Texas on Spirit Airlines. Ooh, nice. Y'all come kill me on that flight. But then coming back, I'm flying cozy southwest. Oh, nice. Yeah, yeah. I had a Love Field.

Oh. I got the deal. I got the deal. Papa's flying Love Field on Christmas. It will be just me in that airport. Yeah, that's going to be crazy. No, flying on Christmas is kind of underrated. Really? I figured it would be hell of expensive.

Well, I guess no, because people are already... Nobody wants to fly exactly on Christmas or Christmas, see if they want to be there before or after that. Yeah, that's a very good point. Didn't think about that. So it's probably cheap. See, are y'all doing Christmas like the day before and then just like you're going home to be with Eden?

Like... I don't know. I don't really. care about Christmas that much. I was just kind of just trying to chill. No, I feel you. I don't care about it either. I have to pretend which sucks ass. I gotta like

pretend. I'm also not getting my family gifts because I spent all my money on a sewing machine. But I spent 100% of my something. Sometimes you just got to spend all your money on something. But I got my new credit court coming in the mail that'll be I got my new credit card

so that'll be We're going to be ragging it up. Oh, hell yeah. Get my credit cards, start spending all that money. I've actually never, this is my first credit card. I'm 26. That's good, though. Actually, I ordered a different one and then got scared when it came in the mail and I cut it up and threw it away.

Honestly, smart. I saw this really, I got an ad for it, and I thought it would be a really, like, heartfelt gift for my mom. So it's a company that makes necklaces out of old coins. that were in circulation in and around Nazareth, Galilee, and Copernament at the time of the apostles. And so

the coin is really, it's very, you know, worn, a lot of patina, but it's usually encased in some sort of type of amber and it's wrapped in gold. And I don't know why I thought in my mind, I saw the ad, but they didn't have the price. I was like, something like this

is probably a hundred, $150, a big. not incorrect. It was about $1,000, almost a $2,000. So I will not be getting my mom that gift, even though I love her a lot. It's just sometimes you've got to level with moms. Hey, I thought about this. I know you'd really like it because you'd like Jesus a whole bunch.

And I think it probably would have made you cry to maybe hold something that our Lord and Savior held. But I do not be holding $1,800. I don't have that. I mean, I have that For one emergency To happen to either me My fiancé or one of my dogs

That's pretty much what that's for Oh, Mr. Big Money Jake over here He's got himself a thousand dollars Aren't you high in money How put you hop off your high horse To talk to a regular guy every once in a month Nobody has A thousand

More than $50 at the end of every paycheck Let's be real let's be real none of us none of us have a plan even for tomorrow you know dude whatever fucking it's different for me now

and I thank the good Lord every day but there was something exciting about getting paid paying all your bills two weeks till payday and then you're like all right I got 50 bucks for gas food, cigarettes, and alcohol. And I was writing papers at the time for money.

So that, you know, was a passive sort of income that I got sometimes. But anyway, so you buy, this was, I'll, we can, maybe we can share our breakdowns. And feel free to share your breakdowns in the comments. I would make $50 last like a week and a half. This is how I do it. This is when hot and readies were still five bucks. So I go get two pepperoni hot and readdies. that's like it goes like 12 with tax so now we're down to 38 bucks okay i go get um three packs of

palm all reds at the time they were like four dollars that's like 12 so now we're down to 26 bucks i would put 15 in the gas tank of the old crown vic down to 11 and then there was a rum there was a rum uh that was at the liquor store by me that was called ron rio And you could get a handle of it for $7, like a fucking bunk. And so I would buy that, and then I would use the other, like, remaining a little bit to get a 2-liter of squirt. Because my favorite drink at the time was rum and squirt soda. And that was how I would get through a week and a half. I would eat off the pizza for, like you were saying earlier, like the beginning episode, I would eat two-week-old pizza.

I ate two-week-old pizza every day for, like, I want to say, like, almost. 10 years, like six, seven years. Like just you know and I would smoke like half a cigarette at one time and I would put it back and then like smoke you know to keep it going to stretch

that 50. What was your load out when you were fucked? When it was real bad. I know that we're not rich guys and it's still you know money's still tight but when it was real bad so the worst was when I was living with my parents, but

I was in debt to the state quite a bit, and I had an ankle monitor, and I had two jobs at the time. Between those two jobs and my legal fees, I had $10 a week.

And I would do about $9 to that on gas, and then every two weeks I would have a Dr. Pepper. that's pretty tough that's pretty tough man but the good thing was

like my phone bill and stuff was in my parents' name and I would just eat food at the house oh yeah that's good when you're at home yeah so it wasn't like I was starving yeah yeah yeah but it was just like basically kind of felt like work release or whatever but

yeah that was I think that was around when I thought, okay, how do we make money on the internet? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And I didn't really successfully make any for a while, but made me think about it. Do we think, okay, how the fuck do I make more money? Because I was working, I was working like 50, 70 hours a week. and on an average of $10 an hour and it just was not good

but when I got my second job I was delivering pizzas so I would have some cash from that you know I could kind of make that work for some candy and stuff and then I would eat the ice cream at the store but they would fire

are you if you tried to eat the pizza there? That's awesome. And they closed down and the boss stole like 300 bucks from me. I remember... He was Saudi. Not that that has anything to do with it. There was a... It was like an Austin, local Austin BuzzFeed thing.

And I wrote listicles for them for like 10 bucks a pop when I was like 18 or 19. and I didn't have much of a following I think only had like a thousand followers on Twitter and I would like write these like five best comedy clubs or like five best places or whatever and they were like 10 bucks a pop and I like reveled in the idea because at the time 2013 to 14

like if you were writing listicles it was kind of like like they ended up being corny and despised for good reason but if you were like a oh yeah I write list yeah I write for BuzzFeed like a lot of people would move to New York kind of the height of the hipster optimism era

to like work for uprocks or like you know BuzzFeed or some shit or whatever you got to go I've realized that it's kind of late I'm chill but do you need to do you need Oh, no, I thought you were giving me a look like,

oh, no, no, I was, I was locking in. I realized that my focus was drifting. I thought, no, I need to be a good listener. I was, um. Respect. I need to lock in on this. I need to be a better listener. But my mind was drifting to the show that I happened a few weeks,

and I was thinking, dude, there are going to be like four people there. That's going to be sick. No, bro, bro, it's going to be good. You're going to be good. It's going to sell. It's going to be awesome, man. You should do like an Instagram boost. Pay like 10 bucks, dog.

20 bucks, do a little something. It works. It's not going to happen. I can do it. I'll do it. I'll do it. No, don't do it. Don't do that.

Don't do that. It's done. It's done. I actually don't want you to. I will. I'll do it. I'm doing it right now. Oh, I just did it.

Okay. Thanks, Jake. You don't have it. I just did it. Awesome. Oh, it's all that. Okay, never mind, guys. Yeah, it sold out.

But, yeah, man, writing, I used to, I remember when I was in high school, I was like, dude, maybe someday I'll move to Williamsburg and I'll write for advice. That'd be sick. And now I live pretty close to Williamsburg. And I've probably met people who, I've met people who used to write for vice, and they didn't talk about it when I met them. Yeah. Because now that just shows that you probably got, probably just got groped by,

a SoundCloud rapper or something, unfortunately, for $40 a year. Yeah, yeah. I was reading about... They were paying them in pre-rolls. Did you remember that guy back in the day, Tabasco Suite? He was like an Instagram dude, and he would be like, what's up, family? And he would, like, teach people how to roll, like, blunts and stuff or talk about, like, fashion. He was pretty cool.

I don't know what happened. He was like a vice guy or, like, a funny or die guy. I don't remember. There are so many things about, like, the Internet, like, 10 years ago that I'm just like, damn, I missed that. What happened to it? And then you're like, oh, it was bought up by a company called Shadow Lake. And then everybody that was funny was fired. And then they hired a guy's nephew.

And then the company went under immediately. And the only show they ever produced was called The Teacher That Hates Her Whole Life, Starring the Lady from one of them. the random ladies from it's always sunny and kind of a side roll remember the dude Thomas from Vice I remember his last name they would send him to like O Block or like oh yeah

yeah up a mountain or whatever and you'd like get this shit kicked out of him I thought he was going to be like Louis Theroo or whatever and then I never heard from Thomas Morton yeah yeah I remember that well because there was a time when like

before they started doing the it's very funny his Instagram handles baby balls. I like that. There was a time when they were like going and doing stuff and then again they got like bought out and then every article was like, these Venezuelan EDM artists cook meth

in their spare time. And they're part of an anarchist collective. And it kind of became like Fox News for really insufferable dingalings, cock suckers and dwebs of the highest order. I'm going to go to the store and buy some groceries and make dinner from my beautiful wife to be. Oh, yeah, what you make him playa? I think I'm going to do these things that I, uh, uh, uh, so what I do is I get Texas toast, um, or garlic bread depending on, I think I'm going to do Texas toast this time.

And then I cooked it, uh, in a garlic butter. And then what I do is I get a, uh, Arabiata sauce. And then I, uh, make meatballs and I make these little, like, they're not meatballs. subs. They're like open-faced. You put meatballs on top of the Texas toast with the Arbiyadh, and then you melt slices of mozzarella cheese on there. And then you throw it in the oven, and you put a little parmesan on there, and you let

the parmesan crust like brown. And so it's like an open-faced meatball sub kind of, but on Texas toast. It's absolutely fucking diabolical. Sounds very good. Yeah, I think each one is like 3,200 calories. It's fucked up. Sounds like ideal bar food. Yeah, it's delicious.

And every time I actually is like, I'm hungry, I want something like, I want something fucked up. I'm like, we can do the dumplings. Shout out to the guy who asked for the dumpling recipe, and then I gave it to him, and he made it. And he said that it was fucking awesome. Yeah, it'd be do be doing, doby tasty good. I'll make like a bunch of them, like the little open face things.

I'll make like eight. You can only eat one because it's like, it really is fucked up. It's not. It's fat boy food. and but they're never good left over so what I'll do is I'll force myself to eat three and then just kind of groan in bed and burp for like fucking

three or four hours and get hard I probably can eat the rest of this cold sauce pizza ice cream pizza eat it with a spoon yeah yeah that's fucking so odd that's so fucking funny dude you're just try like I see I can see you trying to make it better you're like I'm just going to

I want to have more sauce on my pizza and then just it goes, it just goes terribly. I was, that's the maddest I've been in probably a year. I didn't have an outburst or anything, but internally like I handled it, I handled it okay but internally if I felt

a rage inside that I just, and it wasn't directed at anybody in particular. I even clarified as, I was like, I'm really, I'm not mad at you. I'm so angry with my life. And it's not even bad. Either I have a good life. It's pretty good. Yep. And I'm just never, never happy. And that's

okay. But anyway, you guys have been an awesome audience today. Thanks for listening. If you guys want to come, see us in Philly. We still got a little bit of tickets left. Go to linktree.coms, or link.link. Dotree slash Mendejo time. And get those tickets. I'll link them in the episode. and then I will be at the Green Room, Austin, Texas, January 2nd, nice and hungover for everybody. We go to the Comedy Club, the Wee Team Comedy Club. You can get tickets at Greenroom, ATX.com. I know some of you guys showed up last time, and it was a lot of fun.

So please get tickets to that. I'm not headlining, but I think I'm featuring, so I'll be doing like, I don't know, 15 or 20 or some bullshit. And I think Bianca Parrato is closing the show out. Also, Ty Nguyen, the very funny Asian man who has been on Fish Tank a bunch. He will be there as well. He's very fucking funny. I love Ty. Thomas, go ahead and let the people know about your show.

Akegan's Aale House, January 8th in Kingston, New York. And the show starts at 8, seating at 7. 1330. Please be there. I'll have a lot of new material because I kind of lied about how much material I had and sometimes, guys, that is what you have to do. So I'm writing quite a bit as we speak. So current events, a lot of current events will be in this one. Yeah.

Sometimes we lie. We lie, folks. I kind of lied about the love. Last night I swiped up. on Shane Gillis' story. I said, please let me open for you three times at Madison Square Gordon this year. And guys, he handled it very nicely, but don't ever...

What did he say exactly? He said, ha, ha, ha. And then he said, this real quick, let me find it. He said, I would love to host you, but I do not need an opener. I mean, honestly, Honestly, Todd, the door's open for Shane on that.

Like, he probably could get it. You know, he's taking Nick on the road. Right. Yeah, I will say the door is not open. I will say, you know, and I say this publicly. I have never once been normal to him in a single interaction. Yeah. And, you know, that's something I'm working on.

There are other people like that, too, where I have just fumbled pretty much every single interaction I do it all the time. I do it all the time Yep That's okay I did that with Sean Grady The first time I met him And then I found out immediately He was about six months older than me

And that was almost the last night Of my life That was Yeah I've done that to Sean Pretty much every time we've hung out And I think that's why we don't hang out anymore Hey hey win some lose some

But hey friend of the show Anyway Friend of the show Yeah we love Sean We love this guys Thank you guys for listening go check out the newest episode. Please go check out our episode with Adam Gilbert

and also one just dropped the Thomas Promise. I made that one a live premiere so if you're not listening to that or watching it already in the future when I do episodes we'll do them with live premiere drops so you can join the chat

and chat along with the episode and with fans of the show. It's a new feature that I did not know YouTube was doing and then now I'm doing it for future free episodes so please check that out. Also, if you are subscribed to the show, go to patreon.com slash

Pendejo Time. We've been getting a lot of new subs lately. If you did sub and didn't get added to the Discord, please message me at Padeo Time Worldwide on Instagram or Jake Road's comedy. Follow me there and message me, and I will add you to the Discord because sometimes people don't get added. Thank you guys

for sub and we've been getting a lot of new subs. It's very kind of you guys. Thank you for always supporting the show. And fucking thanks for listening. Bye. Bye. Thank you.