Pendejo Time - uncle honeypot

Episode Date: May 28, 2026

hello uncle Hims connects you with licensed healthcare providers online, giving you simple access to legitimate ED options from home. No awkward appointments, no pharmacy lines.get himsSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

camera turn my damn camera on thomas sucking on a damn popsicle well it was barely you were sucking on a pipsicle so first of all i didn't know you'd be on the call when i joined i was only six minutes late which is pretty good not bad not bad for me and yeah i had a little picycle from early i shouldn't eat it so i'm saying no just said another laptop of course i got to eat something when i'm setting it up me show up to work six minutes late sucking on a Posicle. You want to wait?

You want me to wait the whole time the computer's starting up without eating nothing or doing nothing else. Just watch the computer. Be green and turn on. No, motherfucker. I need a posthicle. The computer get hot. Turn on.

Computer job get hot when you sit down. We're going to write you up at work walking in those six minutes late. Sucking on a poissicle. Sicking on a poissicle. Your ass is in trouble. Boss is going to hate this. Sucking on a bicycle. That's that fucking what.

Boss Conan says you suck it on a posticle. He's such a chart. Bam, bam, bam, bam. Oh, yeah. That's a song.

I'm still, I'm still for him. My dad, my dad used to listen that song old drunk. When I was in high school, and he would like it would get to that part where he would

it would be like hold on to 16 as long as you can change just come around real soon make it and he would pause it and be like hey listen you 16 you 17 or so it's over okay it's all uh hey don't really get much better life don't

after after that pretty much the best years of your life are happening now and then after that it's it's a lot of mostly bad shit so I just want this song speaking truth listen to john cougar when he tells you this hold on 16 as long as you can't because nothing good happens after really after about 20 and i was like oh awesome i think maybe a lot of i think a lot of what john cougar's talking about and the song is young love i think what you're

talking about is you had a family and you didn't want you didn't want to have that family i think john cougar is talking about the heartland eating malts with your with your baby girl not getting drafted to vietnam that's what mr cougar's talking about you You are talking about probably the last time that you didn't have any women yelling at you. I was probably... Thinking about killing my two sons, my family. Kill my wife and my two sons dragging by the tree. Kill my two sons at the gas station.

Kill my wife as well at the gas station. Bown. Bown, bow, bow, bow, bow. My sons. Taking my son's tea ball Just kidding Crashing the car Crushing my car into the sea wall

Going home and telling my wife Left my son's a T-ball Just kidding both sons are dead I'm gonna crack your skull Now listen Hold there Life goes on Have so much fun

Killing my wife and my sons Oh yeah Life goes on But not for my wife For my sons Just my life goes on Just life for me Which is what I wanted originally

Bam Bam bam Bam there Down Tika bannant Yeah Yeah that was funny That was a good one

I think I can't wait to Drunkenly explain The meanings of songs To my kid That was like a Like a pastime I think

Just listening to a song that has a very clear, that's not cryptic in any way. Listen into like Johnny Paycheck or something, you know. Yeah. Yeah. I grew up in a small town. I killed my wife in a small, small town. I killed my two kids in a small town. And the rest of my family.

They had a trial in a small town. judge was from the same I found guilty in small town which is a small town with the few guys who got to you eyes except I killed my wife and two sons kill my wife

and the two sons a small town they knew because it was such a small town with only other two other people Only got one homicide detective in a small town Only five people in a small town I killed three of those people in a small small town

Those other two were the judge and the sheriff Little pink houses But not for my family Oh man I like I like his music I really like his song I wish you would kill your wife and sons My friends You could

back to riding their bikes and listen to Metallica and you wouldn't have to listen to anybody say nothing you could just kill them take his life with hands take their lives with hands My dad listening to the third-eye blind Man I remember the lyrics being like that Oh shit

I don't know need to get some sleep This is my favorite band It was called Two Sons Died The fucking Simicharm Kind of Life Kill your sons Kill your wife and kill your sons Kill your dogs and kill your family Kill your sons and

I packed her guns Smile shot my wife and I kill my kids And now I get to do what I want And I'm going to jail but not really Because I'm running from the cops And I probably run down at Gaveston Where I know a guy who could get me to the border Anyway

That's enough of that man turn on some sublime summertime I just killed my family got a big ass rock and then destroyed their teeth and also their bones and then their organ z

bodies were chopped in two pieces three family members disease because of the violence of my hands do do do do do

me and this girl we got this relationship I just killed and also our two kids On lockdown like a penitentiary Except the actual kind Because I killed my family We took this trip to Garden Grove

Smell like my family Inside the van Oh yeah This ain't no funky reggae party Shot both of them at the door Oh my God I don't think You know

I don't practice love in my family Shoot both of them with a gun If I had a million dollars Well I wouldn't have had two sons If I could pray Oh god damn it Dude wouldn't Oh never mind

I just killed two sons Lay them next to my dead wife Oh she don't know I'd kill all of my family I know someday you'll have a beautiful life I know you'll have some sons but not mine Why? Why? Why?

Because I killed my family and my son I killed my family and my son. Okay, help of this one. This is a little bit of a stretch because I'm sensing the end of this bit coming soon. Yeah, that's fine. We're nine minutes. Okay, ever clear father of mine. Okay

Sons are two guys That are dead Right now And there's also a mom And she is on the ground These were my three family Family people And now why have I killed them

Because they ate All my Christmas ham Uh huh Okay yeah My dad did get mad if we ate all the ham He hated turkey I remember blue skies Kaling my son

I think it's best when you just throw one line in about it Because it gets so gruesome at this point Yeah, really It also, it's funnier to just to do a lyric from the actual song And then throw in Kieling my son Yeah It's way funnier, yeah Hey Jude

Don't make it sad Take a sad song And kill your two sons They're evil they're coming to take your life you must defend your family the Beatles

Beatles Beatles Oh man I recently learned that Ringo Starr grew up in like Dickensy like like Please sir may I have some more Like Oliver Twist levels of poverty It's so funny that he like

Has like an iPhone now and stuff Apparently he was like He was like poor in the way that you didn't think British people were poor since like 14-02 He's like incredibly poor I'll be hardly hardly afford a drum set

Now I could have his... Oh yeah If he was so poor Then how did he afford the music That they was making in the studios Yeah 100% on that Yeah that's what I We should do a music

Um, podcast There's not really any of those yet Like a short form Instagram thing Where they talk about music Yeah yeah yeah we should talk about stuff we we both should be the token white guys but for us to both be token we have to have like 15 people on this point right yeah yeah yeah and we also need to have somebody that has a

that has seemingly no taste and hates everything um and he's kind of like the guy that we rile up yeah and we also need to dick writer yeah we have 100% we should all be dick writers actually this just sounds good yeah that does sound good i like the sound of that I I couldn't tell if it I it has to be satire I saw a guy they posted

who was just like taking shots with Drake in my house with him to celebrate his new album and he's watching the music oh yeah

yeah yeah I think it was a joke but yeah but somebody in the comments I saw was like I think this dude's joking but there are like 100% people like this

and they all work at AT&T and that got me pretty good because I he wasn't a friend of mine but he was in a friend group C and legitimately would get really actually Like he wouldn't get mad like trying to fight you But like he was a Drake meat writer

And he would get frustrated with people if they didn't Like like Drake He would be like bro he's like the best lyricist right now And he's got the best beats And I would be like well that's party next door This was 10 years ago It's a long ass time ago That's like that's party next door

That's kind of who that is That's who you're talking about Drake also kisses Young girl's feet That's allegedly I don't know if that's true or not I'm gonna I'll probably

Probably say something like that Yeah And I heard that he went on a date With an absolute clown of a woman She just turned 18 What a clown Big red nose Yeah I heard

Drake was dating a dunce A doodle A doodle Hey, Drake, what do you say to the people who say you went on a date with a dunce and a doodle? Hey, Drake, I heard rumors you went on a date with a dunce doodle and a nincom poop. Yeah. And you guys got the gray poop on. Yeah, real ones no.

90s kids know. 90s kids. This has been 90s flow, Twitter X feed. Can I say so? It's not even really funny. but I get really depressed when I see the like when people my age will post like a nostalgia bait video on Instagram and the caption will be like POV you're falling asleep while your mom runs errands and it's like like the orange hue of the sun kind of drifting across your eyes and the kids like holding a mountain dew and like a halo they always in the POVs they always have like a video game case on their body which is something obviously kids did all the time is just sit in the back seat of their

car covered in video games. But it just makes me sad because I'm like, people my age, it's usually people a little bit older than me, but whatever. That are like, remember sleeping? Do you remember when you could sleep? Do you remember pizza? Like the new pizza hut going back to like the indoor dining with like the lambs?

Remember pizza? Remember burgers and pizza? God, hey, hold on. Do you remember, do you remember falling asleep in mom's car? brother we are 36

you got to I know everybody's miserable and there's like no hope for a better future everybody's lost that but like we got nostalgia is a trap it's like it's a thief of joy

it's not comparison it's like thinking that the last time you were able to be happy was when you were a baby yeah but the thing is they're right um they're fucking losers

that's what I'm saying like that yeah like well like imagine like you're a grown up, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And you don't have any,

you don't find any joy and getting money. Or, yeah, okay. Hobbies or anything like that. Hang, yeah, you, you, you don't surround yourself with beautiful women at all. Uh-huh.

You don't surround yourself with funny people at all. You don't surround yourself with fucking anybody, fucking remotely, anything going on. And those people aren't attracted to you because they know you don't have shit

going on either. Right, right, right, right, yeah. That's a good point And you're just thinking God, I wish I was a kid And I never even had a chance To get any of that stuff Yeah, yeah, yeah

It's so stupid Movies have sucked Movies suck ass I remember being a child It was so uncomfortable Yeah Yeah People don't fucking remember

I remember exactly What it felt like to be a child Yeah You're fucking uncomfortable All the time You don't know why You're not in tune with your body At all

Uh huh You don't understand anything You're just fucking complaining And feeling weird And eating sugar and making people mad all the time. Yeah, it also...

Being a kid, people are always fucking mad at you. And you literally don't understand anything. And you don't even get to pick what you eat sometimes. You don't get to pick what you like. You don't get to pick what you wear or eat. Yeah, yeah. Or who you talk to.

Yeah, right. You don't even... Like, I do, I play... You don't get to control when you talk. I played baseball for seven years and I hated every second of it. I didn't I say I don't want to play baseball As you're here As soon as I was a grown up

I was like this is fucking Dude way better Yeah yeah As soon as I could drive a car Yeah I was like I'm not Dude we gotta get money Yeah

And look at me now Fucking no money at all Hurting actually Did a bad job Yeah yeah but Working a lot for nine years now Ten Oh 10 years

Yeah that's a fun one You ever You think, damn, I've been at this shit for over a decade and I've got... If I were to have anything to show for it, I spend it on a piece of shit car and a bunch of dumb shit that don't even use. Yeah, I've been working for 10 years and I've probably made like $200,000 in that time. Yeah, I think about that a lot. I think... Because, like, the first, the first, I mean, there's nothing wrong with it if you make $20,000.

But, like, the hardest work of your life is done for like $5,000 in that year. Yes, yeah, dude, yes. Like, the days where I would go home in my car, like, like, legitimately thinking I was going to pass out on the road, like, I was doing that for like $11 an hour. Like, like, the kind of work where you're driving home and you're like, I fucked up. Like, I fucked. Like, you started thinking about shit that you did four years ago that, like, butterfly affected you into that job. Like, you're on the way home and you're like, you're not even listening to music. It's dead silent.

And you're like, yeah. No, I did. really apply myself in math. So I'm going to I'm going to be, I'm going to make $11 an hour and I'm going to work 14 hour days every day until I shoot myself. I know this is like not a novel observation, kind of a heck bit, but also those are the jobs where you meet guys who have, who are supporting five kids

on that same amount of income. And you're like, fuck. Yeah, they're just sweating all the time. Like, there's no goddamn way. They don't even have your buds. Yeah. can't afford it. It's the only guy who can't afford it. In Buds. Like,

I don't know how many times I was like, damn, I don't know how I'm going to pay my rent this month. And I'm making like 14, 15 an hour. And I was like, damn, I'm making pretty good money. But I'm still struggling. And I would like be working with a guy that's like, he's like, yeah, you know, Britney's pregnant with number four. That's what we're here to do.

We're here to, you know, multiply, be fruitful like the Lord says. And I was like, four, five kids, 15 an hour, no overtime. We're not making no tape. So that's, I'm not doing 15. I'm not doing math. What's 15 times 40? $600. It's that $600 a week pre-tax.

Call it $2,000 a month. Mm-mm. I'm not support. I don't think you can support a family of four on that at all. And also, those guys are also the guys that are like, yeah, I like spending every dollar I have on alcohol and drugs. And I guess what I'm saying. saying is these guys just don't take care of their families that's probably as simple as that they just don't take care of their families and yeah a lot of guys

who do that yeah that's okay though yeah we don't really care not really my problem no i did be all i can do all i can do about it is not be a dead be dead which is so far been easy because i never father a child but i do know that here you know some guys think they don't have it in them to be a dead beat dead i could definitely make it happen for sure um easy i've definitely um capable of it but i wouldn't be i would just be a fucking loser i uh i would be so i would just be sighing with my shoulders uh fuck one of the uh kind of more i would just if i had a baby i would just throw a blanket over it call it a day oh i don't want to look of that pile of shit.

Get out of here. Is there any way we could, is there something we could use to cover the face of the shit? Yeah. Like a mask or something. You're at the birth of your first child and you're like, can we get the goo off him?

I really don't want anything to do with the goo. The goo. At the baby shower being like, yeah, just a heads up guys, if you don't see me doing as much stand up. Well, we know who to blame.

Yep. I'll do a show every six months and now it's going to be even less than that. Yeah. No, it would be cool. to have kids. I don't think

I don't know. You never know what life will give to you. But, you know, I certainly like being an uncle. Yeah, being an uncle's sick. It's nice and low stakes.

You can be a really bad person and be a pretty good uncle. I think that that's pretty, like, I had some, actually none of my uncles were cool. They were 100% bad people who belong

under the jail. However, my dad had a lot of friends that I called uncles All of Jake's uncles ran a train on him and he's very fucking bitter about that. He's saying all your uncles are bad is really funny. Sounds like they do stuff as a group. No, they're all bad. Like they're art thieves or something. Yeah, they do high. They do high.

All my uncles are bad, man. They steal millions of dollars from casinos every year. All my uncles are men of ill repute. You understand? I have one uncle who's a tiny Japanese guy. I know it's a trope, but he does fit in small places. Yeah, I got one uncle who's kind of a goon. It's a trope who we don't really know if it's harmful to say that people can fit in small spaces. They shouldn't have to, though. It's just you have all of the uncles you have are different like tropes in the highest group.

So it's like, I've got Uncle Goon. He's just a big kind of dude with a doesn't really can't read too good. Says stuff like, yes, boss, heard boss. Anything for you, boss. And then I've got Uncle, yeah, Japanese contortionist uncle. They put him inside all the safes and stuff. What else for a guy? Yeah, I've got Uncle.

I've got Uncle Guy who has all the guns and wears the yellow sunglasses. He's pretty cool. Now I've got Uncle Boss. Yeah. I've got one Uncle that wears a red dress and seduces the, who are the bad guy. Yeah, yeah. Uncle Honeypot. Yeah, Uncle Honeypot.

And basically makes guys fuck the shit out of him. We don't talk to him too much. We don't talk to him too much because he's not really involved in the heist. He does it like a couple years before. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. He's not really. He's very mentally. He'll just go blow one of the security guys than not even ask for a favor.

Just. And they got a lot of security guys, so it's really not strategic except blow all of them. We did a heist that he blew 32 security cards. Didn't even really need to. They couldn't catch this because they were limping because they, the tips of their penises were sensitive. So they couldn't run. They should,

how about Oceans 11? But there's one additional person. Yeah. I think that concept has been done. I think that was Oceans 12. Okay. Well, imagine Ocean's 12. Imagine if there was a sequel to Oceans 12.

Mm-hmm. Right. and and they bring in the actual Chris Kyle and his job is he's in a skyscraper across from the casino and he kills everyone in the casino so they can do the he kills over a thousand people and then they can just go into the safe and get the money out and the police will be so concerned about the all the basically the international tragedy that just occurred that they will forget

that casinos even have money. And they'll be just, the cops will be crying so hard that the thieves can just walk out. And the police will say, you know what? We'll get you guys next time. Right now we're too sad to even draw our guns. Right now we're too sad to even show the hatch.

Oh, no. Oh, you win this one. Oh, no. Oh, no. The people got shot. Fuck. I'm so sad. I hate being a cop.

This is the saddest part whenever would a thousand people get shot by a sniper rifle. It exploded and there's blood all over all the machines. They hurt the machines. No. No, the slot machines. This week, over a thousand

slot machines damaged in giant massacre. The gunman fired over 10,000 rounds into the casino. injuring, completely destroying several slot machines and destroying many more and damaging many more. No. No! The slot machines! That's Ray Campbell!

I love gambling. I think the... Was it one of the... It wasn't that John Kiriaku guys. One of the other CIA guys who was saying, like, they, like, did go to honey. They were trying to, like, get this dude to, like, defend. or whatever. He was like a nuclear scientist or something.

And as it turns out, he was gay and so they couldn't they were going to honey, they were like, they were going to honey pot the dude. And so they used a guy to do it. But, but, and then I never trusted anything the CIA guys

say, especially podcast guys. But apparently the story goes is it, the honey pot. It wasn't, where they weren't supposed to fuck, like actually fuck. but uh because they were just supposed to like you know the can't the hotel was bugged it was just supposed to be them you know whatever uh anyway i guess the honey pot guy fucked their shit out of this

actually fucked the nuclear physicist uh or whatever uh and uh they couldn't like they had the evidence they needed but they also had like their people were like had to watch this back and so it was just this like random prostitute to take that they hired just get just absolutely fucking the shit out of this old like iran nuclear And like so all the analysts back in Langley Like they're the guys who take all of the intel And then like turn it into actionable or whatever

And then they give it to the fucking special forces whatever Apparently the story goes it's like Yeah they were like don't fuck the guy You know just kiss him like But like you know all this stuff This has got to be actionable and we gotta go through all of it We're not trying to see that And the guy was like oh no problem

Like just some Arabic you know Speaking gay dude And uh they both the guys get really drunk And he fucks his shit out of this like old as like, I guess, Iranian or whatever, scientists. They were like, yeah, you know, the files get sent back and

felt really bad for the desk riders that day, because you got to watch the whole thing in case something gets said. Pillow talk, you know, nuclear secrets, something like that. And they were at it all night, apparently. Yeah, that's what I heard back from HQ. I heard some of the day, they were like, yeah, I guess they got into something, maybe

some cocaine or something. It's like, you just have, like, you have to watch, like, 512 gigabytes of, like, just gay porn. At the CIA headquarters, it's like, And something I learned anecdotally, I guess not anecdotally, it's just like that a lot of the people who do the desk, the boring stuff,

they're almost always Mormons or like very deeply religious in some way. Because they're like not comparable. Like the guys who do the wet work, they're fucking crazy. They're usually like special forces or something, whatever. But like the people who like actually do a lot of analysts stuff, they're like Mormons and shit and Catholics.

And I was like imagining just some church of LDS dude from like Silverstone. Springs, Maryland. Just like watching like a 70-year-old scientists get fucked by a goddamn

by a prostitute and be like, yeah, well, no, they didn't say anything about nuclear secrets. There's nothing worth watching on this thing. I guess I can scrub. Speaking of fucking

and having sex with nuclear scientists, if you are a honeypot agent for the CIA, MI6, or ISI, or any of the other intelligence agencies, and you've been in trouble because you can't get your penis hard. And you've been fucking up all the operations because it's operation.

Get that shit harder than fuck. And it's been, it's not been working. Boy, do I've got great news for you. If you're having trouble getting Intel out of your fucking targets because your penis isn't getting it hard. Ask your handler at the CIA about HIMS. Hems connects you with licensed health care. providers online, giving you simple access to legitimate ED options from home.

No awkward appointments, no pharmacy lines. This includes Sudanafil, also known as generic for Viagra, available through Hems at up to 95% less than the brand name version. To get simple online access to personalize affordable care for ED, hair loss, weight loss, and more, visit Hems.com.com slash PT for your free online visit. Hems.com slash PT. Prescription required to website for details and important safety information. So then it fills the generic version of Viagra.

Viagra is a registered trademark of Vietro's Specialty LLC. Hymn's Inc. is not affiliated with or endorsed by Vietroes Specialty LLC. Nuclear physicists having gay sex with CIA hired prostitutes. Nothing to do with any major company. I don't know why I said it like that. That's just kind of a tag, I guess. Yeah, nothing to do with any major company. That's a Jake mic drop moment.

Oh, man. That is a mic drop moment from Jake Road. You're live here on Pendejo time. I love when podcasters are like accused, like casually accused by like like,

like, like, schizo guys or like, just like paranoid guys like of being in the CIA. Like, I can't think of anybody that would like be more compromised.

Like, because you work for the CIA or you have to be pretty squeak and clean. I can't think of anybody more compromised than like every podcaster I know. like like just the tin that we you and me have interacted with on like a somewhat frequent basis

absolutely yeah it not not a not a you know it's funny as one of them oh my god I really thought that was going to be a smoother experience did you just

but no man don't you worry but so so I the The most common one I hear is Brace Belden, right? Yeah, yeah. I've only met Brace a couple times.

The last time I met him, and granted, we really haven't spoken much. We're on, you know, good terms or whatever, but I don't know the guy well. You know? Uh-huh, yeah, yeah. I just don't have that overlapping of lives. Last time I saw him, he spent like 20 minutes showing me AI porn he had made of him. himself, like putting his own face on a women's bodies. And he showed me like 20 minutes of fake video footage of him getting like

fucked and him like getting titty fucked and stuff. And Jake, when I tell you that I think that was the second time I've talked to the guy. I think I met him one other time. It was just in passing. But what happened was he asked, you. you know how I'd been and stuff and I was like, oh, you know, good. What have you been up to lately? And he said, oh, it's funny.

You ask him he showed me what he's been up to lately and it was the worst answer possible. I can't, I can't think of anybody like less like it. What is the CIA going to do with that? Right. Right, right, right, right, right. Yeah, you can't. Getting hit the secret service or whatever like hiring him. it is kind of like with all the tech bubble stuff

when they would just like make a cool logo for a company and then and then that company would be worth $900 billion all of a sudden it would be a situation like that but I don't know I appreciate that we are so transparently dumb that we have never been I don't I have never been accused

I could see you getting accused more likely just because you're into some more of the conspiracy stuff. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I don't think that's happened so far. Also, like, I'm sure Ben will get his accusations at some point if he hasn't already. There are people who think Ben's a Fed. There are people who think that I am not a Fed, but I am, I was,

specifically with regard to Ben, there are people who think that I'm like, I was sent by somebody or some entity to turn him left wing. which is very funny because Ben's always been like a left wing guy but they're just like some Lemon Party people Lemon Party fans are like

No Ben's like a base worker like me And it's like no I think Ben just makes jokes But it is funny to think That there exists Some kind of like left wing conglomerate that like Deploys other podcasters

To turn other podcasts It's just such an insane Well also if I was going to change your opinion I would probably send a woman Right Instead another guy Right right right You can't even fuck.

Yeah, right, right, right. Like, it's like, it's not a honey pot of as a guy you see twice a year. And also, like, I've known him. We're going to bring a guy into your life to change your opinion. By the way, you're the one doing him favors. Right. Like, right, right. He's bringing you on the road.

Yeah. To do stuff. That would be like if, if they brought me into Nick Mullen's life to radicalize him in some way. And there's just me asking him for money every six months. and then and then three months after that he says sorry my phone guy eaten by an animal yeah yeah and i said don't worry man here by the way here's six jokes i've been thinking of uh in my notes app just wanted to send them to you and you know um yeah but anyway i i think um i mean i do i do you know doing contract work for palatier and all these companies a lot of

lot of people are probably going to catch on to that someday. Yeah. Yeah. With us, like all the, like we did an ad for Bell helicopter the other day where it's like we're pouring Dr. Pepper out of one of the helicopters into Jake's mouth, but

the problem was and I really shouldn't even tell you this guys, but it's true so I will. Whenever Dr. Pepper reaches terminal velocity, it's actually fast than a knife.

And the Dr. Pepper slapped Jake's mandible just literally faster than a knife. We all know the terminal velocity of a blade. So imagine a velocity

twice the size of a knife. Now you know what we're talking about. All right. I want you to imagine Jake, but there's two of them and they're holding hands. Imagine them arms outstretched but only the ones that are connected,

the other two are at their side. Imagine a literal slice of Dr. Pepper, literally slicing through the sky at Terminal Vlossi faster than a knife. Yeah, so imagine that times 10, and that's what happens to Jake. Yeah.

So that's why we're doing this one, just audio. Yeah, that's why everything falls to pieces when we get the Dr. Pepper or a helicopter company. You know what sucked men is whenever I visited Texas this last time? I had Big Red. I always had Big Red.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was, I hate to say it. Not a great batch this time of Big Red. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, you know, like, I can't speak to the Big Red, but, like, they've just shut down production of Tupu Chico. Coca-Cola, like, immediately fucked the game up. And, like, like, the, like, fucked up a lot of the bottling.

and like the spring process, like the process with the natural spring or whatever, which is, I mean, that's just what happens. Like,

if you have something that's good, it's going to get bought eventually by something that's evil and then it's going to either become shitty or evil. That's just the way that that works. You can't really have anything good in this life anymore.

Well, it was weird for me for Big Red because there's no sort of balance that it needs to strike, really. It's hard to mess up Big Red. Like, you can make it a lot worse and it would still be fine. Right, right, right.

But this is Big Red that didn't really taste like anything. So let me ask you, You see you are like a big red I know you really like big red Did you ever fuck with big blue? You know it's funny Never even tried it

Okay Never tried big blue Never tried big peach And there's also a big yellow Or pineapple right? I never heard of big yellow Myself but I have heard of big peach I love

So I like cream soda That's what big blue is It's just blue And it's a cream soda That's all yeah But I can't I've never been a big red guy And I can't put my finger

On the flavor Is it like red licorice? I think it's bubble gum. Okay. Okay. But there's definitely a lot of strawberry to it, I think. Because... We'll see bubble gum, but I feel like it's like a strawberry bubble gum almost.

I could never really drink a lot of... You know what? So does close to it is whatever the red Fanta is, the strawberry Fanta. Strawberry Fanta is very close to Big Red. But I think... And I used to love... Oh God, I love that flavor of Fanta.

Like you wouldn't even believe. I would drink that shit literally like faster than a piece of cola right down the throne. My brother would, my brother would really live with me. When he would come home from work, he would get like one of the one liter of big reds. And then a huge like full size bag of red tachies. And he would sit on the couch and drink the whole thing and eat the whole bag of tachies. And he would be like, I don't feel so. good dude and I'm like I'm pretty sure you had the same amount of red 40 that they like inject the rats with like just now because if he would crush both in like under 20 minutes he'd like smoke weed before he got over and was just like oh man I just don't feel so good and I'm like well you did eat a whole bag of tachis and you did drink one liter of sugary soda but I think you're not supposed to have that much red 40 just me personally I think that that like probably by weight he probably ate 20 to 30 grams of red 40

in under half an hour, which is like, whatever Red Fort, what is Red 40 made of? I forget. I think it's Beatles, uh, iridescent Beatles,

husks. I'm not mistaken. Hmm. Classic. Who cares? What is Red 40 made of? I like Red 40. Uh,

oh, it's derived from crude oil and coal tar derivatives. That I did not know. What is blue is, what is blue, uh, the blue,

one, what's that called? Lake? Yeah, blue two. One of them is like Lake, right? Yeah, yes, yes. I don't know what's up with Lake. I just remember, you know, when you're a kid reading the labels and you go, what the fuck is Lake number?

Made from petroleum or coal derivatives. Which is all food die made from fucking oil? There's a food die made from Beatles. Which one am I thinking of? The M&Ms. With the M&Ms that read for that. The red coating on the eminence. Oh, yeah, natural red four.

Yeah, you're right. You know, it is so fucking sad that I know that. He immediately knew the answer. I immediately knew that, and I think it was from reading the Wikipedia page for Eminem. Yeah, it's from, it's made from... Jesus Christ, dude. It's made from the Cockaniel family,

carmenic acid. Typically up to 25% of dried insects' bodies weight can be extracted. Jeez, Louise. So we're eating oil, coal derivatives, and bugs. I love living in the city. I love living in...

That's one of my favorite punk songs of all time. Yeah. That is pretty cool. They must be putting the pussy part of the beetle in Lent because that Eminem be tasting good. Yeah, that... Is there a brown Eminem?

Yeah, there's a brown Eminem. But the green one is the one with the high heels. Brown Eminem. The Brown Eminem is... got attitude. Oh, the brown M&M wears the glasses. I didn't mean it like, you know. No, I know what you mean.

She's got a clipboard and she's got glasses and she don't, she do not play. She does not play. Sir? She is, no. Sir? But we're saying this respectfully. Sir, did you bring? I respect the brown Eminem a lot and I feel like people, you know, treat her bad just because

she's not a slut like the green Eminem and him. Just because she actually fucking works for her money. I'm looking at all the M&Ms. I forgot the orange one. He was the one that had like the Rice Krispy interior. I don't remember his deal at all. I've never eaten it. He played second banana to the red one who was like the main.

He thought he was big dog. He was always looking for approval from the red Eminem. So do you remember the buzz that was peanut butter Eminem's? No, no, no, no. Now for me, they're once a year thing. peanut Eminem's are still my go-to Oh peanut Eminemes, yes, I love Peanut Butter Eminems

I still like them But that crunch of the peanut from the peanut Eminemes Oh, you can't do it. And I've convinced myself That they're healthy too Yeah. Because it's full of peanuts

Yeah, yeah Once you break the Shell as they say I believe that I think A lot of stuff is good for you That's just pretty much sugar Like I love Cliff bars And I'll get one

before I go in a run or something, I could just eat a Snickers. There's fundamentally no difference at all, at all, like whatsoever. But in my mind, I'm like, well, there's a guy hanging off a cliff on this cliff bar, so it's probably good for me, and I'll probably going to eat, like, if I have them at the house, it's curtains. I'll fucking eat like five a day, and I'm like, I'm actually healthy. I'm not just eating fucking five Snickers bars.

I had an amazing lunch today. I had two cans of sardines. A can of A can of baked beans And an apple You're on the fucking Oregon trail or what motherfucker? So I got I was trying to add a bag of chips

So I I was trying to meal prep And I got these individual serving size cans Of baked beans And that you don't need a can opener for them So you can just pop that shit and eat it on the go Same with sardines Um

which those are all right Yeah But man I'm full of fucking salt Like crazy Would not believe How much salt is inside of me My face

I look like a completely Different person right now And I'm fucking loving it I can't place it Salt man But I feel like Tinned Fish Is having one of those

Like bake Not bacon moments It's not a good parallel But it's having one of those things Where it's like It's having a rebrand As a luxury item Um

And for as long as I've ever been alive Canned meat of any kind, but especially canned fish, is something that you eat when fucking times are tough. But I keep seeing these like, I don't get ads for them, but I've seen people post them of these like minimal brand like

Gen Z millennial design cans of like Like fish wife? Yeah, tend salmon and shit. And I'm like, this is shit you eat Like when you're fucking running from the police in like 1968. Like if you're an itinerant serial killer or some shit. Yeah. I don't get the fancy ones.

I just get the cheapest ones that are in olive oil. Man, that's got to be some ancestral shit in your DNA because I'm not even going to hold you. That sounds like you eat like brined and olive oil sardines. Yeah, I just drain out the olive oil. And then I just pop them.

No salt or peppered room. temperature, not on a cracker or bread or anything, just with a spoon. Respect. That sounds fucked. That's just me, though. I don't really. And they were delicious. I enjoyed them.

You know what? I don't like vina sausages, but I do fuck with spam, heavy style. I've only had spam a couple times. It was all right, but it wasn't great. I like it fried. I like a fried spam. Whenever, one of the things you try. Fried spam with a fried egg on one of,

Wonder Bread is pretty good But it's not really Like a go-to comfort food for me I never bought I've never bought spam I've never bought it I've never bought it or purchased it I've had it like

Hawaiian places that do like Span Missoubi That shit's good as good Yeah But No one of the dude The ones that I hate And dude my fucking

Parents ate these So much It stunk up the whole house Viena sausages This dude That fucking That can of Vena sausage is opening

Like they just The water that's in it Dude my dad would wolf down an entire can of Vena sausage and drink the water That's how I knew I could never beat him in a fight It's just not a guy that you can Like would drink the wiener water Out of the can of fucking Venus

Oh hell no Hell no I was like He drink a weenie Agua Weenie Wawa Come on play boy Nah he drinking the wee You gobble all them mini glizzies up

And drink the whinie Why, get your ass out of here. Hell no. But seriously, that was shit. I would get disgusted. I would be dry heaving. That was always a part of my dad's protein, too, when he was working out a lot. He was like, yeah, you can just fucking get all your protein in about two cans of vina sausage.

I'm like, yeah, you get your fucking protein from gorilla food, too, dumb motherfucker. You could get your fucking protein from eating, like, cat meat. Why the fuck would you ever do it? You can eat other shit that tastes good. Fuck, dude. She pissed me the fuck off. No, it feels nice to have a horrible can lunch in the middle of your workday. Yeah, maybe I just don't get it.

Maybe I don't get it. You know what you do with that feeling? That feeling where you just sit there and your lunch isn't good and you don't like what you're doing? You just fucking, I'll tell you what, Jake, you just sit there and you just fucking sit. Sit with it. You just sit with it. And you eat your little shit lunch. You don't even warm it up.

There's a microwave. You don't even warm it. shit lunches You know what it's going to taste like It's going to taste like Who gives a fuck Who gives a fuck? Dude, I used to

Even if it was a steak And a lobster With mashed potatoes Oh, Sit there if there's flies in the room You're eating out of a work truck With no AC Yeah

Fucking flies in the room You got registered sex offenders In there milling around Yeah You got like five people on the list I don't It could be anything. It could be a fucking big ice cream tub full of rat poison.

That's what I brought. Oops, I accidentally brought a fucking giant can of paint instead of food. I'll eat this. Yeah, you make a really good point. Whenever I would, I would, like,

whenever I would get lunch when I worked at the restaurant, they would do like family meal, which is like, you know, the chefs would make you something nice. And we would sit in the dry storage and eat it, you know, where all the fucking, not the cooler, but all the other shit is.

I would just be mad as fuck. Dude, it'll be some good shit, too. Like, maybe, like, shrimp tacos or whatever. The Hispanic dudes behind the kitchen would make up some good shit. And I'm like, I'm in a room with two sex offenders, a fucking, like, 500-pound guy who's playing Deadpool versus Wolverine on his phone, fight scenes on his phone. Like, like, and he has an android that's the size of a fucking,

avionics system on a fucking F-15 and he's playing it loud as fucking he's laughing, dude. Dude, Deadpool fucking gets in so good and you're like, and you're like,

I'm eating really good shrimp tacos made by a guy who cooks for a living. He worked at his life and this fucking tastes like shit. I've ever seen Deadpool versus Wolverine and when they fight, Deadpool looks at the camera and goes,

time to make nachos. And you're just, Just like, yo, dude, I have a gun in the car. Like, I have a gun in the fucking car. Yo, we should all, yo, it's painted. We should all fucking go drink after work, man. Together. Us, together.

Me and you. To pause in the video on the iPad. Hey, all of us should go drink. All of us should go. It's my birthday. I don't have anybody to you guys. We should spend the money that we earned today. You should either go to my birthday tonight or feel bad.

You feel bad and I'm weird to you forever. And we spend 10 hours of day together. Yeah, we spend 10 hours a day together. I don't get worse every day. I don't do shit around here. I've been here 20 years and they won't fire me. I don't know what. I've been doing 20 years.

Same task. I've been working on one task for 20 years. I've been watching videos on my phone for 20 years, even though those phones weren't around in. I've been watching videos on them. I was, I was rolling around the fucking spinny thing on the phone back in the day. Watch it spinning around. I spun around.

Every time the operator got mad at me, I'd try and talk sexy to her. So she wouldn't put our phone calls through often. Oh, yeah. I would say operator, she would say, yeah, what? And I'd say, take off all your clothes. Pull that pussy. Put that pussy on the swirl phone. On the road over your phone, baby.

But that pussy on the phone that's on the wall. With that pussy on the swatzy on the swole. swirl phone baby girl every time I call put that pussy on the swir phone that kind of

keep next to your bed put that pussy on the swirle phone the phone that takes up your whole head put that pussy on the swirl phone and put that pussy on the swirl phone for a real one you've got a six foot

And you're 5 foot 4. Put that pussy on the swirl phone. Put that pussy on the swirr phone. Your 200 pounds. Yeah, we can go a couple rounds. But not before. Not. Not before.

You put that pussy on a swirophone. When I call your phone and it's ringing, put me on the swirl phone. I can't even see it, but I know When you got it on the sworeophone You know You know I can smell it through the phone, baby The phone

The phone smells like an animal From my words Phone smelling like an animal From my words I got green gas coming on my phone Green stink lines Coming out on my phone Put it back on on the phone

Baby, anyway Yeah Dude We had landlines I had a landline And I never used it to call anybody I never saw it My family used that motherfucker one time

But nobody really called the house So that's probably why Yeah A man who got used to call me On the landline with my uncle's Seesaw. Seesaw, yeah, Uncle Seesaw. Uncle Seesaw, he used to call me, we called him that, because his booty cheeks

looked like when he walked. Like he had a lever, like his booty hole was a forcrum. It was actually due to a butt plug he had that had a wooden shelf built into the bottom of it. So his whole rump slid around like jello. Yeah, my uncle had a canter lever suspension system installed in his ass, so he could go up and down curbs. You know, we can go off

road with it and it jiggle just the same. My uncle was the only person actually had to die on the set of Terminator. He was the only one actually killed by the Terminator. For real, in real life. He was real life killed

by the Terminator. Turned out it had a real gun and red one on the bullet part of it. And it ripped clean through Uncle Seesaw, basically turn them into the American flag, minus the blue. Of course.

and of course my eyes are white which is all red like blood and seesaw blood had a horrible smell to him like molasses we used to always

joke with Uncle Seesaw when we was kids because whenever you would shoot him with the arrow brown brown thick stuff would come out yeah

yeah he was about eight feet tall at the Withers Uncle Seesaw yeah he had about antlers about 19 points in them

spoke 18 languages some of them did you know I remember you ever see that movie The Crow no no okay so in the movie The Crow that happens to Bruce Lee's son Brandon Lee

where there's a scene where he gets shot by a bunch of bad guys he can't die he's immortal and I think his superpower he's good at fighting and he's immortal and he's looked after by the birds.

I forget if it's a comic or graphic novel. I don't remember, but anyway, I remember when my dad showed me that movie. Pretty powerful guy, basically. Yeah. My dad showed me that movie, and he pauses it in the scene where Brandon Lee dies, and my dad goes, he died right there.

And I was like, yeah, I mean, he died in the movement. I go, nope, nope, so one of the blanks had a little piece of metal in the chamber and shot him right through the heart, killed him. He dies in this scene. Like when he hits the ground in this moment, it right here, dead.

And I was like, and as a kid, this happens like three-fourths of the way through the movie. I was like, there's more movie. And my dad had to explain, ah, they filmed it in a certain order, and then they have, whatever. But he dies right here. And now every time I watch The Crow, which is pretty often because it's one of my favorite movies, I like,

I'm like, fuck. This dude just dies right here. Damn. They didn't even stop the production. They just were like, fuck it. Film around them. Get the bird to do some shit. Anyway, if you guys like movies or you've never seen The Crow go watch it's got a great soundtrack. The Cure does the soundtrack and it's really good.

Anyway, yeah, it was pretty sad. And if I was in a movie and I got a gun shot at me and I died, I'd be pretty fucking pissed. I had a blank fired at me for a play one time and that was the scariest, one of the scariest fucking things ever. Loud. And it's not really funny. It's just, you know, got shot with a blank. Yeah, there was a guy shooting blanks on you. Yeah, I was.

a guy, a lot of guys, I was in a play called Shooting Blinks on Jake until he dies and directed by David Lindsay, a bear. Jake had to get shot in this play he was in. It was Annie. Does somebody get shot in Annie?

Little orphan Annie? I don't know. I did, I found out about Annie through that Jay-Z song. It's a hard knock life. I don't know anything about it other than But I never really got into theater or anything And honestly Oh okay

Well You know Definitely thought about it But the one act team of my school You had to get to school by seven In the morning Yeah And that wasn't going to be happening for me

Yeah In fact I got to school closer to 930 or 10 Most mornings Yeah yeah yeah I did musical That was a bad motherfucker No, not really. Not really.

I did musical theater, and I did one act, and I always was cast as the bad guy. Literally every single thing. Actually, not even for the school. When I used to do, like, community theater, I was always cast as the bad guy. And I remember asking a director one time. I was in a play called God of Carnage. They made a movie about it. Christoph Waltz played the character that I was playing.

It was like an asshole. There's nobody good in that play. I was, I'm the dumbest one for sure. And I remember asking the director, I was like, hey man, I'm always a bad guy. You cast me as the most annoying guy in the show. Like, is it something about my face? And he was like, oh, you're, he was like, yeah, you're just, you know, you're kind of nice. You know, you're nice, but in a way that, like, I just, you know, I just, you know,

just kind of in a way that's off putting, you know, it's like there's, like, behind the niceness, there's nothing there. That could be it. And I was like, that was one of the most. bizarre things anyone's ever said to me. And I held on to it for a long time. Because I, because I was the bad guy in Music Man,

which is a stupid bad guy to be. But I was like, then I thought back to that, I was like, Charlie Cowell is he kind of like, got a Tom Cruise thing going on where like, you know, there's like a kindness

or then behind it. There's just nothing. And then I was like, no, it's a fucking music man, dumbass. Why are you overthinking it? But now I've been thinking about acting again,

and I'm like reading, like, maybe thinking about doing some plays or something. And I'm like, I'll be like, read for this. And it'll just be a bad guy. And I'm like, maybe there's something to it. I don't know. I don't feel like I have an evil looking face.

But maybe there's something about my general demeanor that is sinister that people find. You know, you kind of look like a bad guy, but in like a 90s way. Okay, I see what you mean. Like you would be a bad guy within the context of like point break or something like that. I see. Yeah, like, you know what I mean? Like, not in a, like, oh, fuck this guy kind of way. but like, you know, like you, um,

like you look like a, you look like a guy from Roadhouse or something. Yeah, bad guy and karate kid or something. Like one of the, yeah, yeah. Cobra Kai. Yeah, see what you mean. You look like you're evil because it's convenient. Like you don't look truly evil.

You know what I mean? Yeah, yeah. It's too much work to be a hero. So like, you're a henchman because it's like, uh, pays pretty good. Yeah, it lets me work on other stuff. I didn't want to get on Indeed, you know. Yeah, yeah, that could be it.

Yeah, yeah. Yeah. I think I could be, like, part of me always, like, when I think back to when I used to sell weed and other stuff, and I was like, oh, this is way easier than, like, clocking in. Because I had a roommate that sold, like, super, like, that was his only job was selling weed.

I only sold, like, part-time for, like, a little bit of extra cash. But his full-time job was selling weed and pills. And I was, like, I would always get, so mad when I would wake up for like my shitty-ass kitchen job or something or like construction and I would come back home from work and he would still be asleep and I was like

bro you gotta get a job and he's like sold a QP around noon so you know we good rinse paid and I'm like yeah I remember that there was this guy bought just like a little bit of weed from one time and um

like a friend of a friend that connected me or whatever and he lived in like student housing yeah i remember but he came out and like it was like clearly like a much older guy yeah that happens yeah yeah yeah yeah but i don't get how that works like so do you remember can you just can you stay in student housing after you're not in the school anymore

do you remember the apartment that i had like before yeah yeah that was that was student housing but there were grown ass men that live there like full and like fully like fully like and there were families that lived there and shit and I remember asking that same question to one of the front desk people who was also a girl in college and she was like I have no idea we just let people live here and I was like then why is it called student house like why it says student housing on the sign and she's like I don't know people pay they rent we don't care and I was like oh but yeah that happened a lot uh you go and you think you're buying weed from a dude who's 19 and you like walk over to the dorms and then a

fucking 42-year-old guy comes out and you're like, what the fuck? Are you like taking part-time classes or what? I think I told you about that guy that I used to buy a lot of my cocaine from who legitimately, not kidding, I went to St. Edwards, he enrolled on some Van Wilder shit. He was like in his late 30s. Enrolls like part-time. His dad was like super rich. I forget what his dad did.

Enrolls part-time so he could set. sell cocaine to like have a steady clientele base. And whenever I would go pick up from him, he was always at his dad's nice-ass house in Westlake. And I remember I was like, yo, like, what do you study? And he's like, I'm undeclared right now. I'm just taking my basics. And I was like, you know you can go to ACC for that.

You don't have to go to St. Edwards. This is like a $50,000 year school. And he was like, yeah, but like, first of all, like, rich kids, like they, they're going to spend money. Second of all, like, y'all got hella girls. And I was 19 And so I was like, yeah, I mean, yeah, hot, rich girls.

And he was like, yeah, hello girls. And then right as he said that, a girl that I had classes with comes out of the bathroom. And she's like, oh, hey, Jake. And I was like, hey, Danny. Hello. And she, like, sits down next to him and, like, cuddles up next to him. And he's like, but I was like, ah, this is awesome.

I mean, this is not awesome. Like, you belong in some kind of jail. But to have... To have that mentality and nothing is morally dubious to you, like nothing is, you know, morally gray. Just sell cocaine out of your dad's mansion and, like, have sex with 19-year-olds. And you're just like, this is a life ain't it? I'm taking six hours a semester.

Selling you eight balls, you know, playing FIFA with guys you know. That's the life. I'm going to be 40 in one years. Yeah, I'm taking a gap year right now. Yeah, I'm on a sabbatical. Wait, I'm waiting until this COVID shit blows over right now. Dude, that's my favorite, my favorite thing right now is people being like,

people who would be like, yeah, I'm 28, but because of COVID that happened six years ago, I'm still 22, and it's like, ah, man, I'm sorry. Like, I'm sorry that happened. No, it's legit, though, because a lot of us, we're taking gap years right now, because Kaysenet hasn't fully announced his designer team

for Vivette his designer brand so if I could hop on that maybe with like me, Cardi, Aden Ross, clavicular and like a few other people

like represent the culture that could actually be something pretty interesting for us. Do you see Aiden Ross tried to put up Chud the Builders Bond that like racist streamer guy or whatever the fuck?

Oh, that's awesome. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, he's really one of the dumbest people I've ever encountered online. like um you talk about aiden or chud

and and chud is also really dumb but like um he's just evil it's like a well it's like a formula that was like guaranteed the work is just like were you bad enough person to do it you know yeah yeah for sure you're um like it's um he's like something that could have been predicted in like early 2020 you know yeah yeah yeah um eventually it was gonna like and of course like i get that there is like national like uproar over that stuff

but like do people were marching in the streets a few years ago and now it's like yeah there's like a bunch of hitler shooter guys now yeah yeah yeah just kind of you don't really know who to not blame anymore you know um but yeah i Aiden dumb. Aden Aden's really dumb. So like Chad the Builder, for example, that's a guy with a strategy who,

you know, probably at least average intelligence guy. Didn't really take a genius for that. But, um, yeah. Uh, Aden Ross, I would say,

I don't understand. I think he has a childlike quality about him. Yeah. Yeah. But there's no real innocence there. Mm-hmm. Yeah, yeah. Um, so it's like an evil.

child. Yeah. To me, like I, he's, if he was a nice, um, yeah, harmless. I mean,

he is kind of harmless and that he's actually too stupid to really do, to get people to do anything as far as I know. Yeah. Yeah. Um, another thing that's kind of interesting to think about is like, do you hear how like Aidan Ross talks? Yeah.

How these streamer guys talk. Yeah. It's almost like a new like radio speak, but like a. really scary Discussing Chat, chat We're looking at this

Chat, chat, so yeah, yeah, like a chat what do we look at? Yeah. And I've noticed

kids are talking like way faster. Yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Kids talk fast as hell. Uh-huh. Yeah.

All of a sudden, like they talk like streamers. Yeah. Yeah. I think there's, and that's kind of, um, I guess that's fine,

but just something I noticed. Yeah, I like, I don't think it's good. for anybody like I don't think it's like I know the guy is evil and he sucks or whatever but like

it's not good for your spirit to televise your life like in the way that you know that guy clavicular and his crew does it or like that other kid that was like into bodybuilding Togi and like openly is like yeah I'm running about a gram a test a week and I do cocaine every day

and ketamine and I drink every day the DGIN culture of streaming that part of it, like, its various characters. I think that, like, if I was smart enough, I would maybe, maybe could write like a decent, something about, like, if you're in your very late, late teens, early 20s, and everything in reality is telling you, you have no future, and you have no upward mobility

through the traditional methods of school or, you know, labor, learning a trade, going apprentice journey, and whatever, like you don't have that. Like, it's possible. But if you roll the dice, you could have more money than God, and you could, like, film yourself

throwing women off of a boat in Miami. And that, for just doing that, you could make $150,000 in that two-hour stream. Like, I think there's something happening with, like, a certain subsection of men where it's like, yeah, no, no, I'm not going to roll the dice on, like, a college thing or career.

Like, I'm going to try to be a streamer. And so I think that's one of the, reasons kids watch the shit so much talk like that and then end up doing that because like when I was young it was like you know what are you going to do play video games all day you're never going to get a job like that and it's like fuck I know people who make video play video games and make hella bands now there's not even the video game component of it you can just stream yourself walking around and like yeah like calling women like fat ugly pigs and you can make fucking like hundreds of thousands of dollars a month not to say that like Aiden Ron

does that. I think his thing is like, he gets swatted a lot. And like, one of my favorite Aden Ross videos is his buddy on stream with him asked him how much money he thinks the average American makes. And he goes, I don't know, $150,000 a year. And his buddy goes, no, no, no, like way, way lower. And he was like, no, like, 120? And they were like, dude, come on. And his friends were like calling him retarded. And then he was like, okay, what it like, like, it's not under 100. And they were like, Google it. And it was like, yeah, 58 and he was like 58,000 I can barely live off that in a month how do people do it and they're like like that kind of stupid that's what I see what you mean is like just somebody who doesn't fundamentally understand like how to be

a human being he only knows how to be a rich streamer like that's it did you lose something? No no I didn't thankfully um yeah I um

you know this new generation is looking to us, Jake, and they need to be inspired. Yeah. Are there any, I guess, closing thoughts that you have on on how we can shift this generation to where it's into God's holy light?

I don't think, I think we're staring down the barrel of one of, like a profoundly illiterate generation of people who are going to enter the workforce who are going to enter adult life that are increasingly gullible, violent, cruel, and they don't want to be the nail, they want to be the hammer. And so I think life is going to get really, really bad. So my advice would be, hey, I know that you don't want to work a normal job, and you don't want to be, quote, unquote, part of the Matrix,

and you want to, like, you want to, like, do this as Sparta kick, like, a OnlyFans girl, like, into a pit of alligators and then not go to jail for some of it. Like, never see really any of these guys except Judd who, like, shot a guy. Like, never see anybody really go to jail. I mean, Clivoculars shot an alligator with a pistol. He magdumped into it and it killed a gator dead. Not nothing, as far as I can tell, nothing really coming to that.

I know that it looks like you could make a lot of money doing this. He's got like probation and stuff. Yeah, but like you should go to prison for that. Apparently he was already dead. Is what? What? He was already, the gator was dead.

Apparently there was an already dead gator and they staged it like they exploded. And I think, I think probably it was in a state of mild decomposition. So they were probably able to prove that. Like with the, because they do reports. I think they did a report on that shit. studied the alligator.

Because I think if they had if they had killed it, I mean, the park ranger might have just shot them. Honestly. Like imagine you're in the middle of the swamp and you're just fucking, well, I'm just going to fucking shoot you guys. Dude, I didn't think about that.

If I saw somebody firing in a pink polo shirt firing a hundred rounds from an air, 15 into a dead animal. I'd go, well, I'm going to fucking kill this guy and leave him out here in the swamp. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What is the point of arresting anybody for like, you're like, oh, I think this might be like a murder or something. You know what I'm

going to do? I'm going to take my boat over to his boat and then I'm going to like, what? There's alligators everywhere. Yeah, yeah. I was thinking it. That's a good point. It's like, park rangers usually, like, they're game wardens and park rangers, their jobs are to like get people for fishing licenses

and like, yeah, you got too much trout on your line or like ah man you that's though like you're gonna go but like if I was a park ranger in like the Keys or the Everglades I mean I saw a dude in a pink polo and a and a fucking

a hat with a propeller on it sit next to a dude with a cookie monster hat both of them are mag dumping I'm taking my rifle I'm shooting all three I'm shooting all of them immediately like I'm going I'm not even firing a warning shot dude pink this

like I'm not fucking doing God damn You know I bet that's how it used to be If you just went down the Mississippi River Or something imagine you're like early in the Oh yeah In the country or whatever

And you see a canoe coming the other way For whatever reason I'm shooting them with an arrow immediately Who the fuck is that? Yeah You're getting killed immediately But imagine you can't do that now Right right right right right

Yeah, like, that's it 100% how this country was taken over, like, by us. You are going down a creek and you see a guy in his house and you go, fuck that. Kill him right now. Who the fuck is that? Kill him. Nope. Kill the whole family right now. Scared the hell out of me.

You killed all of them, right? You're navigating like a huge warship through like the Mississippi River. You just see a guy like hanging out in a tree. You're like, uh-uh. Nope. Kill. kill and destroy uh hell no

oh my god that's basically how civilization started not even like here we're gonna system oh fuck who is that kill them right now no i i totally understand like you'll hear some of their like right wing like america guys be like well you know

the natives were we were brutally savage to the explorers and it's like yeah i mean okay like if i'm just me and like six of my homeboys are in a hollowed out sycamore and we're just fucking doodil do paddling around and catching fucking bass

and I just see this fucking huge like steel I've never seen no shit I'm firing as many arrows as humanly possible at that thing I'm fucking dumping the whole quiver it's over like I'm throwing the biggest okay but imagine you're in the meeting

for the first Indian attack right and they're like all right so the bridge have been using a lot of guns and disease against says, all right, so be careful, be on the lookout for those. Should we go with a similar strategy? Probably just guns. If we have a disease, we can give them, that would be good. And then one

guy goes, do, what if we rape their wives and then we skinned the kids? Yeah, so you know how they're wearing uniforms and they're shooting us with guns? We don't have guns, well? We just rape everybody. Hey, I got to I got a great idea. I know that we're outmanned and outgunned.

We do have home field advantage. But man, those rifles, those muskets are really hard to get past. What have we cut all the tops of their heads off with pieces of bone? Yeah, you know, they think of us as animals. They think of us as savages. Let's put on a bunch of paint and feathers. Let's go over there and let's squawk and let's rape them. let's let's go

and then one of the one of the settlers wives is like it's crazy they've been coming here and raping you guys haven't been raping over there right and the guys like scratching his collar like no of course not

I didn't even know you could do that in this war fuck anyway I got to go kill one of our animals I do oh shit guy getting nervous farmer getting nervous

in a conversation with his wife and he just goes fucking he fucking kills one of the horses instead of a chicken for dinner Oh shit I gotta take the trash out And he goes slit a horse's throat

Thinking about how like Like Like how utterly desolate You know not desolate That's the wrong word But like The Native Americans You know

You're set up shop or whatever. As we're doing Manifest Destiny, you know, we're pushing westward. Just like, like, I totally understand and condone and endorse.

Because every time, you read about that time and it's like, you know, they'd be like, all right, so we're going to move here, but you guys can stay here

and we're not going to hurt you. That was the British and were the Americans doing that. And then, you know, we betrayed the Native Americans at every turn. I totally understand

why some of them took like a scorched earth, hellish policy. to like like imagine it's just you and one other guy on an entire plane right and he's running at you and he's going yeah yeah yeah yeah i would be so scary it's crazy that's the best idea for fighting ever yeah is just you you dress up as something really scary and then you just make like hawk noises yeah i would be terrified i'm not fighting whoever that is yeah yeah yeah uh i think i

told JT this but George Washington had a nickname with the within the local Native American tribe states that were around there. His name was roughly translated to world eater or town

taker because even if he had no beef with whatever Native American tribe or whatever was there, if he was just moving around during the Revolutionary War during his expansion, he would just burn the whole village down and kill everybody, men, women, and children.

And the natives knew him as that. And so I can't, I can't fathom none of them ever getting him. Because you see a guy who looks like him and you're like, that's the, I think, I think, what did grandpa call him? World Eater? Yeah, let me go see what he's up to. Let me see if, let me see if he's going to bargain with me on maybe not blowing my whole town up. Nope, okay.

Yeah, he did just cleave my head clean off with a fucking rapier. I guess we will not be doing business together. Anyway, it's a fucking... And he's twerking. And he's twerking on me. It's a tragedy of what happened. I'm going to get a stripper a bunch of surgery so her head looks like George Washington's. And I'm going to call her dollar sign.

It will also give her gray skin like money. And gout. I worked with a guy who was a rapper and his name was Dala That was his rap name That's a classic guy Guy from your past name

Yeah Yeah yeah yeah He uh Dala is like That's a TV character You know what I mean He would uh He did this thing

I can't I never really used Snapchat After I graduated college But I had the app on my phone And I remember when we were working together. He was like getting everybody Snapchat to like invite them out, invite people out to shows.

And sometimes he would like Snapchat people. Like he would put like two people in a chat and be like, yo, what's the move tonight? And he'd be like. And I was like, hey man, we are in, you are in a Snapchat group with three men. Now, if you're my roommates or my boys, that's perfectly fine.

Do not send me a picture with your tongue out with the teddy bear ears. What's the move tonight? Like, we're not, I think it's not, that's something that you would do to me as a joke. This was, he was being dead serious. Yeah,

what's the move tonight? Like, uh, stand away from you, brother. That's, that's like, that's like my old,

uh, old co-worker at Cici's who accidentally sent me three things about anal sex, um, with three messages regarding something of that nature, within a few years period on Snapchat. And the last time I said, finally,

I said, no. I'm not buying it. Every single time he said, sorry, I have another friend named Thomas. I normally send this kind of stuff to him. I'm like, all right, man. Well, I didn't need to hear that, but I, shit happens, man. Have a good day. And like six months later, something else about some kind of toy or something.

I'm like, hey, man, or something about a threesome. He was going to double team a girl with this guy. Yeah, yeah. And then I said, hey, man, really cannot stress enough how much I'm not interested in any of that in this stuff of this nature. And he said, well, she would honestly probably not mind it if there was a third guy there, if you're interested. And I said, I, man, I don't want, I can't, I mean, you know, just there being one of the guy would be not great, but then you add a third guy to the situation.

That sounds like a stressful experience. Yeah, I don't really think that that sounds fun. Anyway, the third time he had gotten a new toy for himself. Come on, dude. And I blocked the count. I still get on Snapchat at least once a day. Really? Yeah, but I have friends from high school that I only talk to on there.

Oh, that's right. Even though I have their numbers, it's like a Snapchat-type friendship. Oh, I see what you mean. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And these are, I mean, it used to be when I first moved to New York, I think I talked. to a lot of people back home more just because I missed home more. But I, uh, I don't know, you get busy. Yeah, I don't.

Yeah, it's not really. I had a couple, I guess, Snapchat friends, but it was always like, I think like all of them are like in tech sales now. And they like, they probably still Snapchat each other, probably Snapchat girls too. Like, I don't know, just guys that I like party with that were like, like, just dumber. You know when a guy that you know when you're like 19 and you're like, There's no way this guy's going to have a... There's no way this guy's going to ever be a contributing member of society.

And then, like, you black out for six years and he makes $300,000 as, like, an Amazon tech sales guy. Like, maybe this is just me, like, living in Austin. But it's like, there are a couple people I know from that era of my life that I was like, we would be like hanging out, doing blow together. And in my head, I'm like, both of us are not making it. You're not making it in a way that's different than me. We're not making it out of this. We're not hitting...

We're not seeing 25. It's not happening. And then, like, we still have each other on Instagram and I'll see. He's like, just got to the lakehouse. We're throwing a big barbecue party. Just got promoted. I'm now lead sales, synergy executive product manager at fucking Oracle. A job that pays half a million fucking dollars for some reason.

Anyway, I don't know where I was going with that. Thank you guys for listening to the show. A nice long episode for this week. Please, if you are... If you are in Kyle, Buda, or the South Austin area, and you would like to see me do stand-up, come on over to Nate's in Buda, Texas on Monday at 8 p.m. I'll be doing stand-up there,

and then next Friday I'll be at Shakespeare's Comedy Warehouse at 8 p.m. in Austin, Texas, if you guys want to come to see me do stand-up, listen to Drunk Uncle. Thomas, you got anything to plug? No, I'm all set. Thank you. You'll have a nice weekend. All right.

Bye-bye. Nice.