Pendejo Time - UNLOCKED: The Efeeba Files (Ft. Ben Avery)

Episode Date: April 14, 2022

Everyone's favorite and most handsome podcast producer Ben Avery from the Tim Dillon Show joined us a while back for a little chat. Support the Show.

So, what the fuck is up? Welcome to Pendejo Time. You know what the fuck the deal is. You know what's going on, man. You know what the fuck's popping off. We got a special guest today, my friend Ben Avery. Ben, how the fuck's it hanging, man? I'm good, man.

I'm just chillin'. You're just chillin'? I like the little bit of light skin tinge. I'm just chillin like the i like the the the uh little bit like light skin tinge just like i'm chilling right now yeah i'm posted up i'm posted i oscillate between that and uh being one of those caribbean guys those chet hanks guys oh patois yeah yeah is that what it is yeah that's like the jamaican dialect that he does that like people got mad at him because he was like didn't that done gone mad but uh but and it's like uh it well when i first saw that video i actually didn't know he was tom hanks son i was like oh

this is just a wigger doing the voice and then i find out it's a a-lister academy award winner tom hanks like that's his boy. Which is a whole other level of, who the fuck? What happened in your life to make you this way? Because his other son is just like him. Well, Tom Hanks is a... They're pedophiles. Oh, that's right.

The whole family. Did you see that video where Chet Hanks addressed that rumor? That conspiracy theory? About his dad killing Isaac Cappy and molesting thousands of children over the course of his career? Not specifically Cappy, but he was like,

I didn't know my dad. He was like, I didn't know my dad was a pedophile and a murderer. Man, I wish he would have told me. And then that's like half the video in his normal voice, and he's like, it'd be crazy, brother, that my dad be molested a little bit he'd be taking little boys into the cave that sounds

like a cut like that jinx guy would make on twitter yeah oh yeah we're just cuts to that jinx yeah yeah shout out jinx uh yeah i don't know i like because his other son got into acting as well in similar roles. Colin, I've met him. Oh, you have? Yeah, he's a nice guy. I wonder what... They don't look alike. I think they're half-brothers, actually.

But I wonder what difference... Probably a different mom. Probably, yeah. That's literally probably what it is because that's the only other option that it could be. I wonder because they're Canadian, right? Is it just like Toronto, Patois? Because Drake will do the thing sometimes where he's like, and then he starts talking about, you know.

We might be on to something. So we've got two Canadians, both do do patois, both pedophiles. Allegedly. Yeah, we don't want to accuse Drake of anything because he seems like an innocent guy. Did you see his new chain? Well, if you're in Canada, what are you going to do but, like, fuck kids? Yeah, I mean, I guess it's just, yeah, it's just, like, Eskimos up there and then pedophiles. That's actually the term, when in Rome, it means the same thing.

What are you going to do, just watch Tom Green all day? Yeah. You're going to fuck a couple kids. In the cold, bitter Saskatchewan wilderness. They still got Eskimos up there i think they have to i imagine i thought they were getting rid of them you know the idea of like uh like like a canadian pedophile getting shunned from his hometown so he has to go live with inuits like near the arctic circle just like a quiet he's all like knocking on the igloos like yeah yeah he's like hello i like the way that you when you're a registered sex offender you have to go knock on everyone's door

like knocking on all the igloos like hi my name is john i um i have to inform you legally that the wind's just... This girl was not very many winters old, and... The guy's like speaking, yeah, he's like, what? Like a dead native language. You're like, look, it's like negative 58 out here. I need to get this done quick. I... Do you got a little one in there i can show you i can kind of show you what happened uh if you just want to bring that kid out just let me get a gander at him well in that community it'd be too much work to be a pedophile you know they got so many layers right yeah that jesus christ you know it's like ah there goes my whole

afternoon yeah it's a that is an interesting way to stop your kid from getting molested is is make him do those t-shirt challenges where he puts on like a thousand t-shirts oh like all the all the carhartt jacket challenges yeah put like a thousand pairs of underwear a thousand t-shirts and a pedophile it's like a tootsie pop where he'll just get tired before he gets to the center yeah and he'll just give up the the idea of like a mom putting like 60 haynes t-shirts on her little boy he's like mom i'm not gonna get molested she's like you never know honey You never know

It's the one day You don't bundle up That's when it always happens He turns 14 He turns 14 And he's like Okay you know what I'm gonna leave the house

Before she gets up And he like gets on the bus And the bus driver turns around And he's like It's your lucky day, pal. Yeah, I mean, you know, that never happened to me because I always bundled up. Nothing bad ever happened to me as a kid. I was lucky. You stayed in the car seat, Jake.

Everywhere you went, you had the car seat like a turtle shell yeah so you wouldn't get molested right yeah that's that's probably why i'm so normal now it's because i was just i was anti-molested adults wanted nothing to do with me sexually they did not find me attractive in any way i was lucky because i was a sexy ass kid let me tell you i mean i'm not saying you know it's okay for me to say it because it's me, you know. Yeah, yeah. I was hot as fuck. The idea that like a picky pedophile, like a guy who's like, I don't know, man, she's just way out of my league.

I'm kind of shy, you know. It's like you meet a new guy at work and he's like dude i've been crushing on this girl bro like she's so fine i just think she's out of my league and you're like oh man don't say that about yourself you know like you're a handsome guy you got a great job and he's like yeah it's just like man you know like you, eighth grade is just hard for some girls. And he's like, hold on, wait, what? I'm sorry, no, it's just like her job is really, she's busy. Like she just has a lot going on. Hold on, can we stop the bit here for a second?

That is not a pedophile, okay? That is totally different. An eighth grader is not a kid, okay? All right, Jake. Like, what if I get really upset? I get like really pissed. I walk off the podcast. Yeah, you're like, listen, it's time that we draw a hard line in the sand

that a fibophilia and pedophilia. I, Ben Avery. Yeah, that's right. I'm drawing this line in the sand that a fibophilia and pedophilia. I, Ben Avery. Yeah, that's right. I'm drawing this line in the sand. I don't, you know, like we joke about it. I know we've joked about it. But I was joking about like a real pedophile. Yeah.

I wasn't joking about like a Drake pedophile. I was joking about like the real guys. Did you guys see Drake's new chain? Yes. Have you seen that? With all the emojis? It's like little devil and eggplant emojis and emojis that you'd send if you were 14 years old.

It's like a $2 million chain that has a dick emoji and a wetted up emoji and a kissy face emoji yeah he just had it custom made what do I google Drake chain yeah Drake emoji chain just get a look at it

Drake come on face Drake deep fake hardcore gay pornography have you seen the picture it's just like an Arab guy getting fucking bukkake but it looks enough like Drake in that moment. Yeah. Oh, is it the one with the owl?

I think it's got... It's the purple devil emoji one, and it's got all the crying, like, in the fire emoji. Oh, that fucking sucks. Yeah. He posted on his IG? Yeah, I saw it on... Somebody screen-recorded it and put it on Twitter. What's his handle? Is it something retarded, or is it just great? Champ? Yeah, I saw it. Somebody screen recorded it and put it on Twitter.

What's his handle? Is it something retarded? Or is it just great? Champagne Poppy, I think. His Instagram is Champagne Poppy. It's always something retarded with those guys. You know he's going to fucking floss out at prom this year, too. Dude, how long do you think he can keep this up, man?

He's 35. I mean, probably forever. R. Kelly kept it up in his 50s. He just recently got got. Hey kept it up in his 50s. He just recently got got. Hey, quarter black don't quarter crack, you know? Correct. 100%. So what was R. Kelly doing?

He was making the girls drink, like, his piss bottles or something? He was making too good of music for the industry to be okay with. Yeah, the white man had to keep a real brother down. They heard I Believe I Can Fly, and it was over for him it was yeah he uh in that documentary it was it was uh like one of the documentaries not the one he not the interview but basically what was happening was similar to the michael jackson thing allegedly where the moms would be like my daughter's been spending a lot of time with r kelly he's gonna help her get a music career and r kelly's like she live in my house and the mom's like oh i don't know about that and r kelly's like i got a range rover that you can have and the mom's like well i mean they're just friends like it's

cool like she just spends the night over at r kelly's place it was one some of the charges were like trafficking underage women across state lines yeah i imagine might just be like flying them out i don't know how that works well to r kelly and drake allegedly i'm sure that that's what it was in their minds. They're like, I'm just putting a 15-year-old girl on a plane to come to my house. But, like, to the law, it's like you are taking a child on a private jet to a place where you can fuck them with little or no legal recourse. Yeah, isn't that, like, technically, like, human trafficking? Like, by definition? Yeah.

Like, that's like the— Oh, Mr. Laws over here. That's what they got Epstein on kind of, isn't it? Like the traffic. Yeah, he got too much pussy. Yeah, yeah. The, he, well, no, literally like I was trying to give old Jeffy the benefit of the doubt, but he was, him and Jelaine were like literally taking like European runaways.

Like, like just kids with no, like, they're like, do you want to go be a model in Florida Him and Jelaine were literally taking European runaways. Just kids with no... They're like, do you want to go be a model in Florida in a ranch in Arizona? I remember when I did landscaping, there was one guy on the crew who was... His take was, he was like, man, you know, it sucks he killed him. He had to kill himself, but he just had the best life ever. Sucks he had to kill himself, but, you know, he just had the best life ever. I was like, well, I mean, within what he enjoyed, yeah. I remember, like, I always thought it was weird that, like,

Steven Tyler and, like, Robert Plant, like, people kind of talk about it, but, like, none of them, I think Robert Plant's dead, but, like, no one ever really goes after the 80s hair metal guys even though like if you go on their wikipedia page and then go to controversy or personal life it's like in 1983 steven tyler tried to marry a 13 year old girl from alabama and like it's dude so did ted nugent dude ted nugent and he successfully did it it was a chick in hawaii and he got the parents to agree to him marrying her when she was like 14. Well, he also made Stranglehold. Yeah. He also made one of the greatest...

Because I've been smoking for so long! He made one of the best guitar licks in history, so we can... Do you remember when Obama was president? He had this show. Thomas, this is before your time. You're like eight years old. But he had this show. Thomas, this was before your time. You're like eight years old. How old is Thomas?

I just turned 22. Damn, barely legal. Yeah, I've been grooming Thomas for like two years. That's fucked, dude. Yeah, I mean, well, it's legal. That's why I look so young. Yeah, it's, well, it's legal. That's why I look so young. Yeah, it's my doing. That show where he would like blow shit up,

it was like, I forget what it was called, something ranch, but his Obama rants were always funny. He would call him like a subhuman mongrel, like on television. And it was at the time where like that was okay. Like people like, oh, that's just how we talk in the South, you know, and it's Ted Nugent's like oh that's just how we talk in the south you

know and it's ted nugent's like he's an animal he looks like a certain type of animal i don't know if i could say this on abc you know it's like yeah he thinks he can just swing right into office on a big old vine doesn't he that's a quote from ted nugent i wouldn't say something ted nugent's is like oh i mean i wonder what kind of fruits he gets delivered into his. Every time he opens his big old mouth, you know, it's lies. The fucking PA is like. You can see the shadow of everyone in the crew, like their hand going like, no, no, please, God. Ted Nugent's like, what?

He likes oranges and, you know, he's good on the, what kind of bars do they got on the playground? All right, you know what? I just don't like him. I didn't much care for his tenure in office. He, my dad is a huge Ted Nugent fan, which makes sense uh we talk about my dad a lot on the show and i remember i remember he was when i was a kid he was like yeah i mean you know he's kind of a wild and crazy guy and i was like oh that just he's like an 80s like drug addict or whatever

when you read about him he's like no he uses like the hard r n word like at the store like that's like that's the kind of wild and crazy guy that he is ben you do that type of stuff too don't you yeah you're racist why yeah um yeah i'm in nambla too i'm the i get kicked out of nambla for being too racist that would be so good like it was it's like ben what happened to the show, man? You and Tim were doing so great. You guys were on tour. You're like, oh, I was kicked out of Nambla for being too racist.

That would feel weird to be in Nambla and feel like the odd man out, but for an even worse reason. Yeah, yeah. You guys are all sitting around and you're like, all right, so here's what we will tolerate here. Pedophilia? Golden. Ephebophilia?

Eh, you know, we're all good. But we will not tolerate the use of the N-word in this. Yeah, do you think in NAMBLA, do you think they bullied some of the people for fucking kids that are almost legal? Like, do you think it's, like, gay? Like, they call each other, like, F? You know what it's like? Like, they bully, like, like, F? You know what it's like? Like, they bully like it's high school, almost? It's like the kid at high school with knockoff Jordans,

and everybody else has real Jordans, where they just clown on him hard because he can't afford the real thing. Because his girlfriend's 17, and all of their husbands and wives or whatever, their child brides are, like, six and seven. Yeah, yeah. It's like, guys, like, they six and seven yeah yeah yeah it's like guys like they're all sitting around and it's like yeah you know uh you know they're at they're at like a lunch i'm picturing them at like a lunch table yeah like at the nambla headquarters right it's

like because everything is still school themed everything's school themed still right so they still have playgrounds yeah because they're so regressive yeah the arrested development is such where it's like the way that like guys from the south talk about their old ladies like god damn you know my old lady what man she ain't cooking dinner it's like no she can't do her fucking times tables she keeps fucking bothering me. I said, bitch, 10 times 9. And she's like, oh. And I was like, how old is your old lady again? She's 16. What? 16, 17 years old?

The fuck you got going on, brother? You can't be doing shit like that. That's disgusting. You've got to give them fresh off the vine. You got to give him fresh off the vine. The idea of a pedophile getting frustrated at helping his girlfriend do her time is like, you're like- No, that's funny. He just wants to go out drinking with his buddies.

Yeah, yeah. He's like, I'm sick of babysitting her ass. Yeah, and they're like, oh, what? She just get too fucked up? And he's like, no, she can't read. Well, I got to bring home some Play-Doh today. Wife's got me in timeout right now. You know how that is.

I got to go sit in the corner when I get home. This fucking sucks, man. I bought this fucking house for us. Now, you know. I bought it. So, hey, we're all going out. We're going out to Twin Peaks tonight. What you doing?

Oh, man, I got to stay in. Oh, you in a doghouse, buddy? You fuck around on her or what? No, she, man. She, how do I put this? We got to watch Coco Melon. She's got to learn her fruits. They're like, wait, what?

Yeah, well, she's been having trouble because her index cards, when she did her memory test on an orange and banana, she got them mixed up. So we got to watch Coco Melon about five or six hours to get her going good. Oh, this is about a degree removed from what we're talking about, but I just found out last night my neighbor's a furry swear to god that's the first one i've ever met how did you so wait you told me about this kind of you mentioned it in passing what happened uh it's a 14 year old girl

and she uh make she builds her own furry costumes and she has entities for each one of them i think to like express different facets of her personality i guess but she like the family's been really fucking weird and i feel like they've been spying on me and my wife uh so it finally shit has come to light because they're they're they're fucking they're really fucking weird okay how did you figure out though that she had all that were you over there like talking to her getting to know her you guys were hanging out drinking no it was halloween so me and my wife we put a uh a thing out with candy and we like sat there in our matching pumpkin shirts we just did we did white we just do white people shit on halloween yeah yeah we live in a nice neighborhood

we have tie-dye pumpkin shirts we sit there our dogs are dressed up one's air bud and one's the corona bat okay because we we get a little edgy we get a little edgy you know just a little bit you had mr kitty playing off that fucking sound system that shit had me crying i was playing i was playing doomer uh synth wave music doomer fash wave music i'm playing the jake wanted me to play the erica trap remix like as loud as possible you know what that's the the fucking ss marching song can you do it i want to get back to this furry the furry story but like ben sent me the video of that fucking mr kitty song playing like as he was handing out candy or whatever right in front of his house and i was like dude just please play like nazi music he just play like nazi marching theme music like over the fucking thing but i like the neighborhood that bends in is like maybe what if

they what if people came out and started like people were like oh shit oh okay it's happening all right yeah we go oh do you think I live in a racist neighborhood? For real? I mean, I don't know. You might. I mean, I live here. Wait, so how did you figure... So did she come out in each one of her fursonas?

Like, is that what that was? No, so... Dude, I would... Jesus fucking Christ. About the second one, I would be standing my ground on that one. Castle doctor. I don't care if it's in your house. I know about it.

I just said nice. I said I really like your costume, and then the mother started explaining to us. Oh. Because it's not really a costume, right? So it's more of an explanation rather than I'm a princess or I'm insane. I'm Randy Rainbow. It's something totally, which I don't know if anyone dressed up as Randy Rainbow for Halloween, but I imagine so.

I wonder what he dressed up as. I saw it. He was in a sequenced, like like trench coat rainbow thing and just like the pink glasses i think that guy's gay i uh ben can you imagine if randy rainbow was like he's running a red room yes that too like but i like i keep imagining that he's like he's like an op right like he's like a fed and he isn't actually like that and like when the cameras turn off he's like fucking god damn it like like they got blackmail on him for something well you know like that whole weho crew it's weird and dark like there's that bar over there in weho called the abbey where

people are like getting serially i guess what would it be serially drugged they're getting drugged a lot there and people are like passing out it's in their cereal oh wait i'm just getting worried it's not that at all breaking news yeah uh yeah i'm a breaking news guy now. I say news flash a lot. News flash, check please. Randy Rainbow is a pet. Never mind.

But that, so those bars are fucked up, and they party every night in WeHo, so those guys don't care at all. And a lot of them are nice. They're good tippers and stuff, but they go really hard on the crystal meth And the other drugs Yeah yeah they have a good time Is Randy one of those guys?

Well he lives over there He's an Austin guy? No in West Hollywood I don't know what the fuck WeHo is I thought it was some Japanese restaurant Have you seen You? Yeah, the show You. Have you seen any show on Netflix, Thomas?

I thought you were having some sick burn on me that I didn't understand, and I was like, yes, I've seen myself. What about it? I don't even know if they talk about WeHo in that show. But every bullshit Netflix show, they are like, oh, I'm going to Soho or whatever soho i get that yeah they're well like i wonder god damn it well you're like soho makes sense well it's the same it's the same kind of thomas you have no hoes why would you say that oh Oh, but I have a girlfriend

So there was this guy named Ed Buck Who loved Hillary Clinton And he lived in West Hollywood And he would get homeless black guys And don't get mad at me for saying this This is what the guy did He was a huge campaign supporter Of democratic policies

Right? In West Hollywood and beyond. Yeah. And he would find homeless black guys, and he had a mattress in one room with a wall behind him of just, like, flaming skulls. That's badass. And he would just have them smoke tons of meth,

and he would inject them with all sorts of weird stuff and just, like, you know, torture, rape them, I guess. I don't know if it's probably consensual when you're on that many drugs. Well, I guess legally it's not. But in your head, in your head on that many drugs, it's consensual sex. It's like, okay.

Like, no one's ever smoked meth before and got raped. It's like getting handed a cigarette when you're drunk and you're like, normally I don't smoke, but i can't feel any of my organs so this should be fine i was like uh but he killed a lot of those guys i remember and he got arrested finally for killing homeless black guys well dude he was on like a drugging them but he kept like there's no telling how many he killed by the way yeah yeah he was on a tear there for a bit where he kept getting away with it and then people were like hey this guy's donated like

a lot of money to hillary clinton and like he's like a massive like campaign organizer but he seemingly can't stop smoking glass and fucking black dudes in their in their butt yeah like in a in a weird satanic like sacrificial room yeah yeah in like a red red room yeah but but anyway randy rambo was his assistant oh come the i didn't know that yeah and so randy rambo to get ahead of it he started releasing songs about trump's diaper dude i never knew that that is like an insane we're gonna have to go down a rabbit hole later no it's it's totally not true oh okay i knew you were joking i was just gonna let jake believe that forever i was like yeah i'll just let him ride with that till somebody else corrects him that

sounds believable to me like the way that i these. Because in your head you're like all these gay people know each other. Not only do they all know each other, they're all criminals. No, like the idea. Like because that seems like, I mean, I don't know. Like to get ahead of the narrative, you're like, I'm going to start making like. By the way. Well, that's what I think Jim Carrey did with painting pictures of Trump like pissing his pants. Yeah. Because he made his girlfriend like kill herself after he gave her 27 STDs. Well, that's what I think Jim Carrey did with painting pictures of Trump, like, pissing his pants.

Because he made his girlfriend, like, kill herself after he gave her 27 STDs. Yeah, that stuff happens a lot, though. Oh, now that's the same thing as being guilty of a crime. Great. Do you think... Smoking. Do you think... Fuck you think of somebody stop me killing my wife somebody yeah yeah hold on to your lug nuts i'm killing my wife uh that that guy fuck what was it oh so the musical on colbert show with all the vaccines and it's very like like get to get they're doing

like a fucking musical number like i think that's counterintuitive to like people who are on the fence about it because i watched it and it was like oh you're talking about the dancing vaccines yeah but who who watches colbert is like well i'll think about it but you know i got work and all that but you know i go i get home from the oil rig, 16-hour shift. Sometimes I like to come home, watch me a little of that Steve Colbert fella. You know, it really takes my mind off things. Yeah, I like watching Fallon. I like watching Colbert.

Dude, Fallon's eyes. Every time Ben sends me a video clip of something Jimmy Fallon did on his show, every part of Fallon's face is moving, but his eyes are just like... He's like a drunk, right? Yeah, he's like a... God, what a fucking king. I want to be like that someday. His life seems like it sucks insofar as he sounds miserable,

but he's got a job for the next however the fuck, unless he doesn't die. Yeah, so a lot of people do yeah but like one that pays you millions of dollars to be like so addison ray do you like to go to the store you do you like uh jump roping uh do you have any boyfriends tonight i'm talking to beck for some reason yeah the the uh the addison ray one where she did like to tick tock dances and he's like holding the signs up and he's just like, like his eyes are just like, I mean, if you had a job.

How many times did you watch that video? 56, 57. It was mostly just for Jimmy Fallon. Yeah. I don't know. I don't know anything about the other girl or who she is or what she does. What do you think his face would do if he was walking under a bridge and you just cranked one out on it real quick?

Would it know what to do? It's so trained, I think he would keep smiling. If you just punched Jimmy as hard as you could, would he do like the British soldiers? No, I mean if you came on his face. Well, I don't know. He would probably be like... Nice. his face uh well i don't know i mean i feel like probably be like nice he's like got a little handkerchief for situations like that ben have you have you

or tim met any of like the the tiktok stars like like the uh yeah i've met some of them what are they like are they like are they are insane or are they just like kids with a lot of money? No, it's pretty underwhelming. For the most part, they're all kind of retarded. Oh, OK. But not in a not in an idiocracy type way, just in a very much like. You meet these kids and you go, oh, like if if you were standing on the street and another kid walked by, those kids could change places. Like he could step in and start talking to me

and the guy I was talking to could keep walking and the conversation would still be the exact same and no one would care and it wouldn't matter. Because I seem like some of – it seems like at least from some of like the stuff you see about them, it's like the money came too much and too early so a lot of them are like like 18 and they're like uh you know like they're insane like some of them do steroids and shit well a lot of those vine stars uh you know we see what happens because when vine blew up a lot of those people like uh cameron dallas and yeah nash greer do Cameron Dallas and Nash Greer. Do you remember these names? Yes, I do.

These guys, they're like in rehab now. Yeah. And a lot of them are just completely broke. Yeah. Because they signed shitty deals, they wasted all their money, and then they just became drug addicts. And who wouldn't? At 19, you give someone like a quarter million or whatever, or whatever the fuck they were giving.

Even less than that, I'm sure. Well, in every, like, you look at your phone, you're like, 10 million people want to have sex with me. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That would probably, I mean, that happens to me already. Yeah. It's just me setting up fake accounts, but I'm kind of gang stalking. Yeah. fake accounts but i'm uh i'm kind of gang stalking yeah i i think i i there was a video of a guy who uh he's a guy on tiktok i follow who he was like i thought i was being gang stalked but i just had schizophrenia and like it's his journey i'll just find a video of ben and what's being gang stalked

again what is that is so It's like little things like when something goes bad in your life or like weird like synchronicity and shit it's not just synchronicity or like bad luck. It's like you are being targeted by like individuals who are like letting the air out of your tires or like you know

they're like getting you sick or they're like fucking with your wifi. It's just like it's not just bad shit happens to you. Like, you're being stalked by, like, sometimes they're federal agents. Sometimes they're, like, private organizations. These delusions go deep with these people. Like, they're – it can be any number of things. It's just, like, prodromal – like, it's just schizophrenic.

That's really weird narcissism. Yeah. Well, it's, like – yes. Where you're, like, the world is fucking me. yes, it's like the world is fucking me. Yeah. The whole world's fucking me. Well, like you can like because you have to think the whole world cares about you for shit like that to be happening everywhere you go.

Well, like I said, it's like like like certain schizophrenics. Yeah. That excluded. Yeah. Yeah. But like narcissistic delusion of like, damn, my wi-fi is fucking up and i have an important job interview like in 30 minutes so it's like uh you know it has to be the cia or whatever but let's be honest ben how how close are me and you from being like like those types like how how

far removed are we from that i mean we we text each other all the time about how we want to die in various ways. Well, not just that, but I'll be like, hey, did you hear that DARPA confirmed that everything is just like binary code glitch? This reality is a mistake. And I'm like, oh, no, I didn't hear about that. Did you hear that like beloved child actor eats like little baby toes in his spare time, like sautés them and makes like a foie gras? And you're like, that's crazy, man. And then I'll be like, yeah, life's pretty weird, isn't it?

And you're like, yeah. And then I won't talk. We won't text for like a week. Like we'll pick back up and it'll be the same shit. Yeah, we keep giving each other like a storyline fever where we just keep swapping new traumas that we've read that reaffirm everything we believe about the world back and forth over and over. It's a negative feedback loop.

Negative feedback loop, exactly and then and then we just like walk off into the woods and yeah like yeah like i won't like text ben like we're in a group chat together we talk a lot but like i won't ben and i won't text each other singularly but want like every every couple weeks or so but every time it's like hey did you hear that las vegas rent is seven thousand dollars a month and there's there's no hope for anybody anymore and i'm like no that's crazy man let me look into that and then by the end of it both of us are just like writhing on the ground just like just laying on the living room floor like which is really stupid it's like a something that i guess i'm not gonna get a handle on it yeah then we go silent for like four hours, and then just one of us sends an article that, like,

Steven Paddock's running for president in 2024. Yeah, like, dude, the QAnon thing in Dallas. Dude, Thomas, you should have gone to that, man. Fuck. I would have if I didn't have a job. That's true, yeah. Where do you work, Thomas? Are you allowed to say where you work?

I do – I work for, like, a tree work service company. Have you been doxxed? Because you piss a lot of people off on the internet, right? So I have, like – my name is Thomas White, and that so many people have that first and last name that I don't know. So at one point some people were trying to dox me or whatever, like find my employer. But I hadn't been paying taxes in a while and I was just doing under the table landscaping work. And it was for a joke that I originally told at work, like in front of my boss at the time.

I told him, I was like, hey, it's going to be interesting if that works out for them or whatever. But it's like, it's fine. Yeah. End of the day. Yeah. I didn't. Never mind. What?

never mind uh what i well there was a i told you about this ben where like i retweeted a cia go fund me joke that said under socialism all premium snapchats would be available to the fellas and somebody from the austin red guard dm'd me and like added me and was posting about me and they were like uh there are consequences for your actions like this is fucking disrespectful like you like it's people like you who are like you know like you know this like edgy leftist shit is like a danger to like the marxist community or whatever and i was like dude i literally come on here and i'm like pp man pp butt balls pp like i am not like i'm not like do you like like that like they were like like the consequences thing or whatever. I was like, are you going to I work at a university part time? Yeah, I've I've explained this to you where it's like Twitter is just the last place.

It's the last safe place to have like a primal yell. Yeah. Where you can like a man could just go on there and just just scream the worst thing he thought in that second. Yeah. And just post it, and then it just goes out. It's the last place you can. Well, other than like 4chan. Or like your yard.

Yeah. Or like, I guess, a cave. Yeah. Dude, we should get on a, what's the right wing one? What is it called? Getter? Grinder? Dude, that would be thomas is like just you're like trying to fit in with the at the at the q anon thing and you're like

yeah man i downloaded the trump social media grinder and they're like what and you're like yeah dude i saw you on there too man you were there uh you were sending me some pretty cool pictures man you were on there uh on there talking real sweet to me. No! Dude, we need to start just, like, strapping a GoPro to me and sending me into, like... Because they have those QAnon conventions in Dallas, like, I feel like fairly often. Not, like, every day, but, like, every few months. Dallas is a big city for it.

They're like, yeah. Dude, did you see Robin Williams came back, apparently? Like, yeah. Dude, did you see Robin Williams came back, apparently? They were like, yeah, we saw Robin Williams at the QAnon convention, but we can't take pictures. So I don't know if you read that article I sent you, Ben, but so the guy who organized that,

he said that he uses sacred geometry to talk with God and that the Kennedys are related to the bloodline of christ and jfk jr is going to come back and and he's going to reinstate trump and trump's going to be the first of the seven kings in the book of revelation yeah i saw that yeah which is like okay the stuff about the like the the the epstein adjacent pedophileophile cabal, I pretty much can get behind that stuff. That's like, you know, like, Pizzagate's like 60% real to me. But then, like, when Trump lost the election, all of the QAnon fence riders fell off, so now you're just left with the cream of the crop. We're talking, like, the wheat from the chaff like the top of the line fucking psychopaths who are like yeah so basically um trump is going to be like all the book

revelations that's the 2024 election like all their prophecies keep getting we've talked about this like all their prophecies like get moved back with every like failed one right yeah which is like it's weird to see it play out still even like because a lot of them moved on to the ivermectin thing like a lot of them moved on to like uh like that's right yeah they always move on they were they used to be 9-11 truthers which is absolutely legitimate in like half of the country the problem is is that like once these conspiracies go mainstream these people don't want anything to do with them anymore so they have to keep jumping from thing to thing they don't give a shit about that if you ask any of those people about 9-11 that are screaming about ivermectin like at nscvs like

they don't care about 9-11 yeah well i think i mean a lot of them probably think it was a i would hedge my bet to say that it was like a genuine tragedy i think like like you said like a lot of the conspiracy theory stuff people just do it like out of convenience it's like another part of tribalism or whatever like it's something else they get into yeah i'm willing to bet that 9-11 was a tragedy i like the idea of not a 9-11 truther who thinks it was an inside job but he was like yeah it wasn't bad like no one really died this is everyone in eighth grade yeah that's life we're all animals it happens get over it doomer like doomer eighth graders like yeah 9-11 was good i hope it happens every day forever dude that was uh at the like peak pandemic it was like

9-11 became a unit of measurement where you heard people like where people were like, 9-11 became a unit of measurement where people were like, a 9-11 happening every day. Referencing 3,000 people dying a day. And it's like, nobody in this country gives a fuck, really. You know what I care about? What? I don't care about 9-11. I care about 1-6. Yeah, dude.

January 6th, baby. January 6th, way worse. Way scarier. Less lives lost, but way scarier. Way scarier. I think more lives are lost. Well, if you think about it, what's more important, respect or human lives? Respect. Yeah. What's more important, respect or human lives? Respect.

Yeah. That's right. You only got one life to live, but you got five respects. Yeah. And Mr. Trump, you're not a cat. Your nine lives are over, sir. You got five. You got nine lives times five.

You got 45 respects, 45, 45th president. It's over. I want to be inside the mind of, like, an author, like a really liberal, like, woke author or journalist that's like, yeah, it's the worst thing that ever happened in our country. I saw legitimate, like, people. Well, people were posting that it was worse than 9-11 yeah they were literally that it was like it was the it was like the biggest like you know like slight against like the the the integrity of the country of all time so when aoc when aoc yeah i'm safe she tweeted I'm safe I'm okay and like people like fell out of their chairs smashing the retweet button

to like let everybody know she's alive and okay she's like it's fine to jack off to me again it's like hey I don't know if you guys were worried about it because you thought I was dead but it's okay to jerk off to me. Don't stop. Keep going.

She just tweets, it's okay. I'm safe. You can jack off to me. And it's a picture of her feet. Dude, so my friend was dating this chick. He went on like three dates with her, And he was on the toilet taking a shit. And he was jacking off to her on her Instagram. And he was scrolling through her comments.

And he hadn't talked to her in like three or four days. He was scrolling through the comments on this photo he was jacking off to. And it was saying RIP, RIP, RIP. She was like hit. She was drunk. And she ran across the street and another drunk driver hit her and killed her and he had no idea he'd only known her for like two weeks but he was jacking off to his dead girlfriend that's how he found out she died

and like she hadn't like answered his text like the day before or something but he didn't think anything of it but yeah she died oh buddy i think i asked him if he finished i i think he didn't i don't think he did i would hope not that would be the craziest nut ever you know dude like you're reading you're reading you're reading the rips yeah you're reading the RIPs. Just one last one. Yeah, you're reading the RIPs, and you're like, I got to get this one out. Dude, that reminds me, Ben. I don't think I've told you this story, but I know I've told it to Thomas. So one time, so my buddy turned 21. This was years back, and we threw his 21st birthday at my house in Austin,

like my big party house when I was in school. Was that the Thena house or Theta house?ina that's when uh it was the first one and uh and so my buddy gets like super fucking crossfaded and it's late at night and he's good he's like one of those guys that like you know he gets drunk and like you know i love you man like it's super emotional yeah and i see he's like on the couch and he's getting choked up. And I'm like, hey, man, you know, like, what's up? Like, you know, it's your birthday, bro. We should be celebrating. He was like, bro, I'm a level with you.

I'm like, oh, fuck. Here we go. You know, like he's like, so, man, like this girl that that I was that I saw, you know, a little while back. She killed herself, bro. And I was like, oh, oh man that that is sad and like i was like i was like like that's all i knew like context wise i was like that is sad and he was like bro like you know we fucked like a lot at freshman year of high school this was like we were like 21 22 so good and then he was like uh but it went south bro like do you think she killed

herself because of me and i was like i was like sean what and he was like bro like i'm not gonna lie bro like i fucked her over bad and like like you know like i kind of like didn't treat her right and i was like are you asking me that a girl you fucked five years ago killed herself now because you like fucked her so badly and treated her bad? Like she just decided like a delayed effect. Like, yeah, that motherfucker just really did me dirty. I'm going to kill. I was like, no, it was definitely not you.

Like people like, have you guys talked since then? He's like, no, I haven't heard from her. I was like, you, I thought maybe like they rekindled it and he fucked her over again. He's like, I haven't talked to her since we were like summer going into 10th grade. I was like, then no, like she didn't kill herself because you gave her bad dick and then broke her

heart. Yeah. I don't, I don't believe in stuff like that at all, but I do weirdly feel like maybe some pussies cursed. Like I do. Some women look like if they like blew cursed. Yeah. Like, I do. Some women look like if they, like, blew you, you would die the next day. Like the ring, but it's just, like, the mouth.

If you ain't never got a head and died the next day, you ain't never had no solid pussy. You feel me? I'd be getting that haunted pussy. Next day, my dog is dead. haunted pussy. Next day my dog is dead. You're sitting down at the bus stop. Thomas is next to you, unprompted. You ever got your dick sucked so good you

start seeing ghouls? Start seeing motherfuckers in green little goblins with chains, ding-a-ling-a-ling, hanging off of them and shit? I thought I got my dick sucked by a ghost. Turned out that bitch had jaundice this is the evolution of comedy where it used to be like hey have you ever done this or done that or yeah ladies and now it's like just say whatever the guy at the bus would say right no whatever

the guy the guy that's waiting for the bus whatever he would say say that yeah and that's that's the shit that makes me laugh really hard dude he would say say that yeah and that's that's the shit that makes me laugh really hard dude it's no longer like set up tag punchline callback it's like all right one time i was on the bus stop i had finished my job at the bar and i sat down next to this guy and he looked at me and he goes you look like shit and i'm gonna fucking kill you and i was like oh man i was like what's up and he's like you a bitch for real and i'm gonna fucking kill you and i was like sick and he was like all right player bye and then didn't even get on the bus so like that guy to me if his life had gone two percent different

could crush he could get his own special like like bus stop guys are the fucking kings of comedy ben you've got money we all we could pull together our money here's what we're gonna do ben you're gonna you're gonna give me a loan quarter million dollars we're gonna do the bus stop kings of comedy that actually might make some money that really might make some money. I wish there would be a great documentary of you going from truck stop to truck stop and just interviewing people. Like through a glory hole, though. Like you put the mic through. Dude, the glory hole open mic.

I just put a microphone up to a glory hole and it loves in the middle of texarkana and it immediately goes up some guy's ass like with no like pushback like your hand doesn't get shoved back at all it just glides in like it's like into a parking spot i would love like the new avenue of comedy like is just guys who like uh they work at chicken like chicken processing plants like they kill chickens all day i'm just thinking about like guys who you know you went from like bus stop like i'm thinking about a guy who kills all day i mean like the funniest guys are like cells of serial killers like throughout like the Northwest. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Like, yeah, the fucking the Pacific Northwest. Dude, did you guys ever like the smiley face killer thing was big for a while.

I know you and Tim were on that shit for a minute. Yeah, we just interviewed a guy like two weeks ago about that. Oh, is it like like like a guy who survived it or like like no one of those detectives his he he got mad at us so i don't even know if i could i don't even know if i could talk about it actually i legally i don't know if i could talk about it that's fine i just like i saw a hulu documentary about it and i was like oh i thought this was like an internet thing but i mean i guess not i know that for a while like a couple like there were a couple austin cases where i was like what the fuck you know but uh do you know what that is thomas i just know it's better than a frowny face killer

i hate you man no i don't know what that is it's like a missed it's like a fucking like urban legend slash probably real thing. Who knows? So there's a guy who probably kills people. It's probably more than one guy. Well, I'd hope it's more than one guy. Because you're gay? No, because stuff is more fun to do with friends. Oh, is it?

Yeah. It's more fun to do with lots of guys? Yeah. You ever have a one man party that's just called alcoholism you know i did yeah i have that now there's something like jake i could write open mic material for you i don't need you to man i bought my own i could see you i could see you just like swirling like a miller light on stage like uh hey fellas it's not it doesn't count as drinking alone if the webcam girl can hear you you know what's funny it's like knocking one back yeah that that line out here at the right places

the whole bar would explode like i went to an open mic the other day at a pub and the only guy that crushed was like a 48 year old guy that was like you know i mean if uh if you're looking at the girl the the college girl cross into her apartment and you're beating off technically it's like having sex you ain't doing it by yourself and everyone's like you know and it's like i've seen hundreds of thousands of hours of live stand-up comedy i've heard i've heard that joke 45 times yeah yeah i wonder like i mean hey if it's not i mean if it's paint by numbers like it works you know like for certain people in certain scenes like the worst the worst stand-up kills the hardest 100 i mean like yeah i mean i don't know i could come

up with some pretty bad objectively bad stuff dude i don't mean in terms of like oh that's too vulgar i mean like shut the fuck up i went to a fucking showcase to see um a friend of mine and one of the people that was opening up for him this girl like was crushing but she would like it was like amy schumer material from like 10 years ago where it's like i got a pussy and it stink and i'll be sucking dick at the grocery store and everybody's like that ben clipped that for me like like dude y'all better not be looking at my asshole yeah dude like it makes no sense yeah people are on the floor and they're like my titties busted my pussy stanky my feet on the

internet for sale like it's like and then everybody's like whoa and i'm like and then he was like damn her titty down her ankle dude i know so devin made that like cool comic video and i know like there are guys that do that but it's funny thomas is just shrugging yeah i don't know why that was that funny to me i'm like well i've seen so many i've seen so many female open micers and look all open micers are horrible. But I've seen... Here's what... I'm not going to say all of the female open micers do,

but it's so many, I'm just going to say this is what all of them do. Yeah. They go up there and they go... They talk about their pussy and their titties. Yeah. Like, the whole time. And then they talk about how uh they haven't got laid in like six months and then uh they close their set with uh they hit how guys uh after

stand-up shows are always trying to have sex with them do you know that it's like you're performing for incels and you talk about how you want dick and no one's giving it to you and then you and then you literally talk about your titties for the four minutes leading up to that yeah and your pussy the taste of it the smell of it what it looks like right what you the the crystals you put in it because they all do the same it's all the same it's like getting the owner's manual for a car you can't even test drive yeah i was it's like yeah getting Carfax and finding out it's been fucking repoed and salvaged titled like ten times over.

Ben, the fucking... The white comic guy that does Ave, we've talked about it before, that's always... I'm right here. Dude, Thomas is bringing Ave back, and I respect that ben avery dude you dude don't tell tim don't say anything don't text him don't call him next show be like

man that's crazy as hell timmy come on mate oh hell no big tim you want some other shit real big tim's like like, I, uh. That would have been great at my wedding, Jake, if like on, because we all hung out the night before and then on my wedding day, like the whole time I'm like doing my vows and I'm just talking. I sound like Bernie Mac and Bad Santa. Yeah, yeah. I'm eating the orange slices and the whole thing. I promise to have and hold, bitch. Like, you think I'm, you think I'm just going to fuck off?

Fuck around. No, this is for that lifetime bullshit. You feel me? To have and to hold, if I can hold a dollar. You're like Church of Christ. The fucking family is just stoic as fuck just like and i see a lot of i see a lot of broke dick motherfuckers out here looking at me sideways as hell and i got something to say to you i'm married i don't got to answer nobody but my old lady you see this ring she's rang on my finger Bitch I'm Ben Avery motherfucker

Mr. Ben Avery The fucking ordained minister is like If anybody has anything to say Forever hold your peace And your mom's like Just Sit the fuck down We getting married i got nothing

else to say tim tim's like uh i mean uh i mean i guess you know he got hit on the heart head really hard coming on the way back on the flight back to la you mean like you mean like the level of like i'm saying like why people yeah like i mean like the uh no like the wait what are we fucking talking about again are you talking about the are you talking about like the ave thing yeah yeah yeah yeah i mean like no i i just want you to do the guy who took it the furthest was ralphie may no one pulled it off look where they got him got him Well I think Ralphie May was just like He's six feet under And they buried him 400 feet underground

He uh He fucking So what I was saying is like It's like drilling a well Yeah it's like the there will be blood Like drill But it's just lard and gravy coming out of the fucking ground. They had an open casket funeral, but nobody could see over it.

It's just like a hill in the distance. Just a hollowed out Popeye's. They hollowed out a Popeye's to bury him. Dude, I've seen girls go up and do that. Like, guys do it, whatever, it's annoying. But, you know, girls go up and do the, like, my titty down to my ankle thing. But, like, white girls do it. And then after the show, you know, like up and do the like my titty down to my ankle thing but like you know like white girls do it and then after the show you know like they'll be talking next to you and they're like like they're like yeah like they just have like uh like they have

vocal fry like when they're not on stage and i i guess like i've heard like guy comics do this at mics and showcases before we're like on stage it's like like you know white dude, fucking black hoodie, and he's like, Walmart be fucking wild. I walk in there, and I'm like, shee. And it's like, all right, whatever. But for some reason, when a white girl does the titty pussy thing, but in that voice, and then after, she's like, yeah, I'm trying to go out after this. I'm like, it's more annoying to me. I don't know why.

I saw a black guy at a the improv once and i don't put my he just looks he looks down he just uh he looks down and he just goes man spongebob gay and like he it gets nothing and he's just like man bikini bottom he's not even living in bikini top it's like think about it his best friend live under a rock which i didn't get that part but then he goes uh he goes why else would he have all those holes in his body he's trying to get plugged did he he's like i'm ready I'm ready I'm ready yeah to get some dick were people laughing?

he was like you have to perform on like a tiny stage but he's still like trying to pace back and forth oh he's trying to do the Richard Pryor thing yeah but what it ended up doing is you just take half a step that way and then half a step that way you can't pace it's like a dog chasing it's tail about spongebob's gay it's doing like jazz squares and

shit i uh there was there's like it only killed for me it didn't kill for anybody else it killed for me there's a there's a guy there was a guy doing mics when i was like 19 or 20 who was like it's like this 40 plus like middle-aged guy with like a mohawk, like very punk, like 80s punk guy. And his whole thing was like – he was doing triggered stuff before it became like a way to make a living. It was like 2015 or whatever. 2014, I guess.

And he would be like, oh, you know, everybody says Austin's like the gay, faggy city or whatever, liberal city. Oh, did I trigger you? Or like did I upset you with that? And nobody would respond. People would just be like, no, like, you know, like whatever. Yeah, those guys would be like, I did that at a show last week and a lady. And we're like, no, you didn't. Yeah, yeah. like i did that at a show last week and a lady and we're like no you didn't yeah yeah that's like you weren't on a show last week yeah like

they would literally be like they were like yeah after last week i did that joke people were just oh and on it's like no last week you were at like a custody hearing man like like you were you were in family court yeah yeah you were in family court they were showing pictures of like your goon cave or whatever by the way ben that would be hilarious if they have to like on a on a fucking projector they have to your wife is presenting as evidence your goon cave and dude you know that's happened that has to have happened there's no way like and does he try to have the defense of like it's a really nice it's a really nice setup? Yeah, she's like, well, you know, the house got foreclosed on.

I'm seeking damages because he spent $26,000 on – I'm sorry. I don't know how to describe it. It's called a goon cave, and the lawyer is like giving her the shush. She's like, no, I can do this. I can do this. The judge is like, I'm aware. The judge is like a little twinkle in his eye. He's like, no, I can do this. I can do this. The judge is like, I'm aware. The judge is like a little twinkle in his eye. He's like, 26,000.

So there was six 4K TVs and a Bitcoin mining computer, like a server, like a $10,000 server. And they pull the pictures up. And it's like one screen is like Lilo and Stitch porn and the other screen is like family guy porn and then like the big one, like the big projector, it's just blurred out. They can't show it. And the guy's like,

no, it's not. I can explain. I can explain. I can explain. I think the next move for me is Goon Cave, honestly. Where would you put it? I guess you got that. You should just make the living room a Goon Cave, but you have to go through it. I think she would be on board.

She supports you, right? She does. So if she supports you, then she would let you do that. You should do it the way they do it in Africa, where they have a projector, and they just project it onto the side of a cow. Do they really do that? I've seen pictures of it.

You should do that. You should get a really, like a My 600-lb Life-type guy, and just project all your porn onto his back yeah i'm mentioning like the francis and ganu story but he's like walking 11 miles to the nearest goon cave he's like on jorogun and he's like yeah he's like yeah life was really hard you know and joe's like i heard you have to walk across the sahara he was like on Jorogun, and he's like, yeah, life was really hard, you know. And Joe's like, I heard you have to walk across the Sahara. He was like, ah, I mean, you know, no.

I mean, yeah, well, to get to my goon cave. To get to the porno collection, yes. That's why Yanmi Park wanted to go to South Korea. To get to use goon caves? Mm-hmm. Fuck. Well, boys, I want to say fucking big thanks, Ben. Yeah, thanks for coming on, man.

For coming on the show. Thanks for having me, boys. Do you have anything you want to plug? No. Yeah, you could get a pretty big boost from this, man. Yeah, you could get a big boost. I know you were nervous coming in because this is a big opportunity oh fuck well uh yeah i guess if you like this one you're already subscribed so uh peace bye everybody

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