Pendejo Time - Vamonos Adolf

Episode Date: September 5, 2025

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I feel like there are only a certain number of circumstances where you would be allowed to two-piece your old lady. One would be if she turned into a werewolf Yeah, wherewolf is going to be pretty top up there I could probably punch your wear wife Yeah If you needed to But then again you shouldn't punch somebody

Just because they're a wolf If you see a wolf I would advise against hurting it Yeah Or approaching it But if it does approach you Try to avoid hurting and killing it if you can And try to avoid hurting and killing it if you can

and try to avoid being being hurt by it. Same with a wife. Yeah. She comes towards you. Try to avoid being hurt by her. Try to avoid hurting her. That's one of the main rules of marriage.

Try not to hurt and kill each other. And if one is hurting and killing you, try to get away from them. Yeah. Don't try to kill them. They don't have that in your vows. And I don't think the minister says it, but I think it's like an unspoken,

kind of implicit ruled that pretty high up there in the rules of marriage is don't get hurt by the other guy or girl and don't get hurt, don't hurt them. Don't hurt them on purpose, and if you hurt them on accident, please apologize. Yeah, yeah. So we got werewolf. I'm trying to think of other situations where it would be morally permissible to hit your old lady with a three piece and a biscuit. I'm going to go out on a long-linger

and say I don't think there's very many of them just to be 100% clear with everybody. I would even say maybe we shouldn't be looking for them, but there are certain things in society where you need bad guys like us. Yeah, yeah, we keep the other bad men

from the doors, as Russ Cole would say. Right, right. We keep the other bad men from the podcast mics. Exactly, yeah. Yeah, I do I know I've told you this and maybe on the show, it doesn't matter, but I had an ex-girlfriend that was very much into the What If I was a Worm type stuff

and was a real damper on my life. I was a damper on her life. We were dampers, to be fair. But it wasn't the worm stuff. She would present me with increasingly bizarre and violent situations and then would ask me if I would like ever hurt her

if those things happened. And so she would start off like if I punched you, would you punch me? I was like, no, what are you talking about? And she'd be like, okay. And then she'd be like, if I came at you with a knife, what would you do? And I would be like, I would run away from you. Like, you're not faster than me.

Like, I'm going away. And she was like, okay. Oh, no, that makes sense. And she'd be like, okay, I have a gun. What would you do? I'm like, if you have a gun, like, you're going to kill me. Like, even if I try to get the gun away, like, you're probably just going to pull a trigger and kill me. It's a gun.

Like, whatever. I'm not going to, like, it's not even worth fighting. She was like, okay. One time she was like, okay, what if I had, what if I came at you and had two hammers? We were, like, working on something in her apartment. And she was like, I had these two hammers. And I was, like, kind of drunk. You know when you're building something and you're drunk?

And you're just the angriest you've ever been in your whole goddamn life? That was me in that moment. And she was like, I had these two hammers. I'm coming at you. And I was like, I'm knocking you the fuck out. It's over for you. Do you understand? I'm laying you out fucking stone cold style.

I'm breaking your fucking jaw. It's over. And she was like, and then just didn't talk to me. for like four days but i was like you you put me in this position you gave by the way these questions were like all within a two or three day span that we spent hanging out a lot like they got increasingly more bizarre until it was like i have two hammers in my hands and i'm gonna rush at you and i'm gonna and i was like if i can get a good right cross in i'm fucking sticking it down the middle between the hammers i'm i'm just shooting a two down the pipe and see and if it lands you're

going out sister that's is that what she got so mad and I was like I understand it's not nice to say that like I would lay you out it's game over but you presented me with an increasingly bizarre set of circumstances violent ones to the point where I felt and even verbally necessary to defend myself not in real life I was like yeah lady what are you talking about I'm taking your ass to the cleaners it's game over you have two hammers in your hands and you're swinging them at me if I'm backed up against the wall yeah I'm throwing an overhand right I'm double-legged him putting you in a heel hook.

I'm fucking triangle choke your ass. It's game over, right? I ain't fucking dealing with all that. But honestly, like, if I'm being 100% about me, I'm probably get my ass whoop by an angry lady with two hammers. Probably. I don't know, you know what I mean, but probably, yes.

If I was getting attacked by a lady with two hammers, I would think, oh, my God, I've been accidentally dating a mentally disabled person. This is such a stupid way to attack somebody. Yeah. Getting physically assaulted and killed is probably towards the bottom of my list of relationship things that I've worried about.

Yes. But yeah, no, I get what you mean. The hypotheticals can be a little bit. I don't, it's one of those things where you, everybody has a girlfriend kind of like that when they're like in high school or college. Yeah. And then you can kind of pick up on how. how to not date that woman afterwards. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Hopefully. Or you just marry her and then hate her. Yeah, or you date. I mean, somebody ended up probably marrying that lady. They did. Yeah, yeah, they did. They have kids and stuff. And hopefully they just ask each other those questions.

I don't, yeah, I think, like, that's the worst thing a guy has to deal with. Also, I mean, probably the lady probably doesn't do that anymore. Like, there's a lot of things, annoying things. do any more that I used to do where I was like in high school and college. This was like 12 years ago. Like sometimes I would just cough something up and I'd just take a picture of it and send it

to a girl. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. I would just cough this up. I would not save I would not save girls that I was like seeing the number and then I would get drunk and have a panic attack and delete all the numbers from my phone.

I think I was because like trying to like not do drugs anymore. And then I would get a text message. It was like, hey, what are you doing? And I would be like, hey, who's this? And then they would be like, oh, ha ha. The whole APM? What are you doing like after 8?

And I'd be like, I don't know who this is. And they would be like, this is Cassie. And I would be like, oh, fuck. Yeah. So I don't like save numbers. And then I delete them from my phone because I take a bunch of drugs and alcohol. And then I think I should stop doing that. And so I delete all the numbers from my phone, even my mom's phone number.

So I didn't have your number saved, and I didn't remember it, and then they would get really mad. I don't do that stuff anymore. I didn't do that when I met my fiancé, you know what I mean? But it is a thing that you sending pictures of stuff you coughed up is much more innocent and hilarious. I think mine is a bit more neurotic and kind of mean, for sure. But I think that makes sense, I think, knowing the two of us. Yeah. I remember I had like a one, I had like a post.

break up like one week phase or I was trying to be like a cool guy who was going on dates all the time and um and I like immediately completely lost track in my schedule to and I remember texting a girl to cancel plans with her and it turns out that I had not made the plans yet in my head I was going to hang out with this girl on a Saturday and it turns out I had never asked her to hang out and she and then I was like oh well would you want to hang out and she's like I'm actually like really busy oh that sounds really tempting I would love to hang out with the guy who did not know whether he had asked me out yet but yeah so I put a stop to that immediately I think like one of the things I'm

glad I learned early on is like women being the like obviously more hurt physically sex have to be nice and like give hints they can't outright some do but it's a dangerous situation you know to outright be like hey I don't like hanging out with you and you're weird and we don't vibe and I don't fuck with you so like early on I kind of got like if I was like hey are we gonna hang out again later and she was like no I think uh they got to take my dog to dog training I would immediately go oh yes of course dog training and then I would pretty much just leave it alone but I had like a lot of friends they were like I would I would be like oh yeah you haven't seen Tiff around in a while you guys uh no she's she's been having to do this like dog

training like usually around the time we always have to hang out and I was like oh the brother she's not training the dog she doesn't want to hang out anymore and my buddy would be like nah dude her dog's crazy I'm like dude you have to understand she doesn't doesn't want to text you, hey, I find you nasty as fuck. The house and the people that you hang out with and your friends are fucking disgusting. I don't want to have sex with you anymore or even talk to you, even. She can't say that to you because she thinks there's a good chance you might maybe blow her car up or stab her tires or her body. Not that you would do that, but men do do stuff like that.

So she has to say the dog training or she has to say her grandma blew up or something like that. And he'd be like, no, it's the dog. It's the dog training. So I'm glad I learned that The hint thing You gotta take the hints It's pretty important If you're a young gun out there

And there's a girl who's like I gotta clean the dishes I gotta do the dishes On Thursday at 9 p.m. My serpent stole I have to get my serpent punished I gotta get my amulet cleaned So I have to take my amulet

There's only one amulet cleaner in the whole city and I got to take him I got to take the amulet to get clean so I'm sorry yeah I can't I can't hang out or have sex with your penis or anything like that

I would say the one thing I do miss about dating women like talking to women and learning about them is like learning things um like ways that people can be

um like just horrible people but in just like little ways you know what I mean? Yeah yeah yeah yeah can name an example yeah I can think of one specific

I remember a pretty normal lady one time just being like oh yeah my my daughter's cat is gone and I was like oh like like where did it go and she was like oh it's just

I guess it's lost or something I was like oh like have you have you have you gone to look for it is it in the house or was it like an outside cat it's like oh yeah it's like I guess it's like outside somewhere

like I guess I probably just won't tell her I was like oh I mean I probably would But Yeah But That's

Yeah I mean yeah That's that Yeah That's probably I mean How old's a kid You know

I mean It's like a baby Well just like having an animal And just having that loose Of a grasp on it Oh yeah For sure Yeah

Yeah Yeah Yeah Yeah You have an outside cat In Dallas where is outside does it go where does it hunt the fuck yeah yeah

your cat's 100% got hit by a car I don't even ever see neutral like you're a dumb person really it seems like you're a stupid person I get having an outdoor cat in a place like New York but Dallas is one of those places I don't even think there's like rodents out there I've been like Deep Elm is a nasty place

I've been to a lot of cities There's no rodents There's not even I don't even ever Even see any little birds Dallas is like a not Fullerringy city Other feral cats

Yes Just all feral cats They eat each other Also even like in New York Like all the rats are like Poisoned Yeah You don't want them eating the rats

They're also huge They're the size of cats Yes they are I saw a rat Yesterday That had been hit by a car Yeah And

Dude the body It looked like a dog had been hit by a car. That's a big boy? It, well, it had been flattened out by the car, to be fair. But having been flattened out, it looked like somebody hit a watermelon. Previously three-dimensional, it would have been big, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I mean, it looks even bigger flattened, but, you know what I mean?

Yeah, because he gets all stretched out. Yeah. Dude, there's a guy I've been seen on Instagram on my feed lately that he keeps a neutral rat as a pit, which I don't know you could do, but apparently they can they're pretty easy to domesticate. That's cool. I don't know what that means. Because Texas is one of those states where people are like,

you can have a raccoon. You can have a wallaby. You know what I mean? Are nutrient rats like endemic to Texas? Like are they native? I don't know if they were like an invasive species or what. Native to Texas.

I know beavers are native to Texas, but I don't know. Nutriar rats. Native to South America introduced in the southeast of the United States only not that long ago. Okay, so there you have it. Yeah, yeah.

I guess, are they invasive or is it just like they're hanging out? Texas invasives. Yeah, nutrient are invasive. Oh. They probably fuck up like water ecology stuff and they probably eat.

They probably just do the same thing the beavers do. yeah i mean i think beavers are more important to people back home there were some beavers that were just damming up this little creek around where my parents live and the community was like we have to relocate these beavers they're they're gnawing on trees and they like relocated them it's like this is out in the country too this isn't like fort worth this is in pester texas they're they're they're making by the way the name of this

creek, if you're wondering? Dry Creek. That is the legal name of this creek. They're putting a dam in dry creek. These dam, these beavers. How much of a fucking cock sucker fundamentally do you have to be? You live next to Dry Creek and you're like, which has maybe six inches of water in it. Right.

At any given time. you have also like that's removing a beaver for damning is like living next to a woodpecker and you're like that cocksucker won't stop he's keeps pecking I can't handle it I got to get this motherfucker gone I gotta relocate this woodpecker he keeps pecking where the fuck do you put a beaver yeah I don't know like this is different different damn you're making a beaver and you get relocated and you're like what the fuck did I do who the fuck whose house is this who the hell could I have Possibly offended by building tiny dams.

Dude, one of my favorite fucking videos of all time is it's actually one of the knockoffs of that, like, flexial. It was one of these infomercials. It was late at night infomercial for this, like, knockoff of flexial. And one of the ways that they showed how awesome it was was this mouse comes out of a mouse hole and some sheet rock. And then the guy pasts the flexial over it. And the mouse returns, and the mouse kind of stands up. and it's like, in my mind, it's like, imagine you go to the store, Thomas, to, like, get a snack and you come back, and your house has disappeared. It never existed. The address never existed. The landlord was never there. You can kind of smell like your house, like you can smell the food you were cooking, but your house, everybody's telling you you're crazy. The house never, and like, the mouse kind of stands up and is like, yo, fuck. And then the guy thumbs up next to the mouse, and the mouse is like looking at the guy. I think the mouse is probably an acting mouse.

I don't think the guy actually covered up a mouse hole. Maybe he did. Who fucking knows? Who gives a shit? But I remember thinking, like, I was like, dude, to the mouse, that has to be so crazy. Like, hey, telling your family, I'm going to step out. I'm going to go get some fucking cheese, maybe a little bit of grass. I don't fucking know.

I'll be right back. And then you come back in your house, it never was. Completely gone. You can smell your family. Your family is, like, they are somewhere. Because you're a rat, you've got a pretty good nose. But they're fucking gone, as far as you're concerned, they never existed. Your house never existed.

I mean, I was like, damn, that would get me good. I hope my apartment never disappears. That'll make me sad. That'll make me sad. What would you do if you just came in the door didn't exist? Would you just probably leave and not tell anybody? I figured maybe I finally snapped. I had been having bad.

Or you, and then you open your phone and there's nothing in there. Yeah. Nothing in your phone either. No, no numbers. There's not like, there's not like Twitter or Instagram or anything. Like, calculator app. You open the apps and it's all like empty. Yeah.

I'm no email. You try it. Yeah, you don't have a phone number. There's like not a SIM card in your phone anymore. Yeah, yeah, yeah. There's no, the only phone number that's in my phone. My phone just says the necromancer. His number is like 80,000 digits long.

I guess I got to call him and figure out what happened to me. Hello. God damn it. Not you, Al. I'm trying to talk to the necromancer. Sorry. Wrong number. All right, let me call.

His name is about 13 of the day. They're just so different, but mostly the same. All right, let me try again. All right, right. Burr. Hello? Hello? Is this the necromancer?

Oh, yeah, that's me. Lindsey Graham? What you need, sweetie. Why did everybody disappear from my life And why is everything gone from my phone And why is your number The only number of my phone And why is it so long?

Oh Okay Well, I figure D might call about that I figure he might be a little upset Maybe Is that the case? Yeah, I mean, I'm very scared

And I am very confused I don't understand So what I did was I erased your life I raised everything about your life and everybody in it and I took away your home and your memories

and I left you well I guess I would say I left you with nothing nothing not even just sort of a void but the void could be very comforting did you leave your number

to explain this to me or was that a formality? to leave my number. I didn't mean to offer you any sort explanation. Solace or nothing. No, I guess the number just showed up in your phone. Oh, man. I don't

even, there's nothing that I plan on doing to alleviate your situation, really. Necromancer, I don't even have a SIM card in here. I don't know how I'm able to make any phone calls or anything, man. I was kind of a loss for words, to be honest. It might have auto-connected to a Wi-Fi.

That's possible, yeah. there's a network called blood it might be on let me check yeah B-L-U-D yeah blood network yeah that's my wife I actually live nearby oh no it's not great for me yeah I actually live right behind you just behind just in the space behind my body for the rest of the time you'll be on this earth yes I will I just rent the space directly behind you at all times I guess I'm kind of what you could call like an evil Like an evil entity Yeah

So I'm sort of like Well you could say like a soulless freak I'm not quite a demon But I am a bit of a preacher I wish I was a demon So that I could be something It would make sense, yeah Yeah

And I really have no motive I get nothing I'm not a parasitic demon I don't want you to think you did anything wrong Or that you deserve this Right You deserve nothing, and I deserve nothing, and that's why we're both nothing. Okay.

Well, I guess I'm the, actually, I'm the necromancer, so that's got to be something, right? Yeah, that's good for you. No, what does that mean? I believe, historically it means I bring back the dead, but I don't do that. I don't know how to do that. Is there, well, I can't, yeah, I can't do that. yeah i should have a different name they should just call me the black guy because i make your whole life black

yeah that would make more sense i could just be the black guy you're going to change your number in my phone or your name sorry yeah i actually you could just erase it okay don't really want you calling me again i don't really want your cries for help I can't help you I'm having a lemonade with some teetos in it right now

I'm actually about to suck my husband's dick That's great Necromancer or the black guy sorry Yeah, that's great the black guy We both got on Hawaiian shirts I got about 50 buttons on his shirt And I'm slowly on buttoning them to get down to his 50

Yeah How tall is he? He's super tall He's like six feet tall That's not that tall It's tall to me It's a lot of buttons Tall when you're in love That's true

Yeah I'm in love with a gay man That's good The black guy I'm glad for you Well I guess if you can't restore Any of the things in my life And you can't restore my memories

Or my home or anything Well like my family My dog My job You know Those things were We're important me oh well i guess we could get you that stuff back if you did you want it back i mean i didn't

particularly enjoy it and i did just get you a job and nothing else without the money just i'm a slave you can make you a slave oh we can make you a slave that sex my husband's cock i don't think i want that necker black guy sorry i don't think i want me necromanceer i don't think i want Call me necromancer? Well, I'm realizing now that Necro and the black guy are far too close. For me, it's in the ballpark is something that I don't want to be a part of,

so I think I'll just refer to you as Necromancer. I can't think of any way to combine those. I just didn't even think of anything. Anyway. I've been having a lot of panic attacks, and it's been put in my mind. I had one right before we started, and it's been putting me in a weird place,

Necromancer, so I just have to, Well, I could put you in a really weird place. I could erase you, and I could use your husk of a body as a fleshlight for my six-foot-tall husband. He's so tall. He's six-foot-tall, and he's 185 pounds. That's pretty good. He's probably got a good BMI. Yeah, he does.

And he's got a good DMI, too. Dick measured in inches. Oh, okay. that's hey it's pretty good necromancer six and a half hey can't complain man that's big to me global still blows my tushy up well necromancer i can i hate to i can't say i'm happy i called uh i am i'm have a prostate orgasm right now yeah my husband's drilling my shit like a gay guy man or is he a gay man? He's like if a gay man was a human. Okay. Me too. He's like, if you could imagine, imagine like a bald gay man with a beard. And he's six

foot tall. He's 185 pounds. His name is Raymond. Well, necromancer, I'm happy for you and Ray. If I can, I don't want to be made a slave to you or Ray or to anybody. So I think I'll wonder. I'll tell you what. Would you like your family in Lifeback? I mean, if you're offering you, in their absence, I do realize I do miss them. Well, okay, I guess.

I'm not really a man in my word, so. Don't count on it. Don't count on it, but I'll try and get around to it. Me being evil and all, and not even a demon, you know. Yeah, I wish I was evil. I can't even feel that. The only thing I can feel is the warmth of my husband's mouth lips when I kiss them. So you're like a gay trickster guy, kind of in it.

Like a gay trickster. And I like to wear also, I guess one thing to know about me before you leave, and this is kind of something cool, is I actually like to wear rape bands. very cool necromancer well i appreciate your time i guess uh well if you're ever in the void please give me a call okay and if there's anything i can do to i know i probably wouldn't be the first person to ask but if there's anything i can do to help you yeah i would love to okay like if you've ever had a prostate orgasm uh no from like a like an evil spirit and his human gay husband, Raymond?

I don't think so. We must, we will probably be able to help you there. And we'll probably do that without you even asking for the rest of your life. Relentless prostate orgasms every time you wake up from a nightmare. I don't know. All right. So I'm a memoryless man who's forced to wander the earth with nothing. I think you will probably sleep the rest of your life and have prostate orgasms in your sleep until you die.

Does that sound good? No. Oh, it doesn't. Okay. No, I mean, it does sound, yeah, I guess it doesn't sound terrible. You know, all things considered. Okay. I guess, you know what?

I guess it's better than nothing. How about a butt orgasm? Can you have those? Can anybody have those? Raymond? Raymond. Can a man have a butt orgasm? No.

Wait a minute. Hold on a second. I called this number. No, no. Who is this? Who is this on the line? Get him off the phone. Get him off the phone, Necromance.

He's not supposed to know about us. I called this number earlier, and Fat Albert answered the phone, and then he said it was a wrong number. And then I called the same number the Necromancer answered, and you're having said, hold on, Necromancer. Do you know that his name is not Raymond, but it is Albert? Now, Jake. I want you to think very carefully about how you answer this. And keep in mind that if you answer wrong, you could lose everything. Okay.

Who is Fat Albert? He's an animated black fella that lives in the TV. And he gets in misadventures with his friends. and I do believe he has perhaps shanghied you into believing that his name is Raymond I also have some bad news he is not 185 pounds I don't know what that means to you

if he just said that number and you being a specter and all you don't understand what a pound is but he's probably closer to about 700 pounds if that matters to you it does and I don't believe he's six feet tall I do believe the whole thing is that he's short and fat So I'd probably say he's probably about 5-4, 5-5, maybe.

Raymond. What? Are you black? I don't know why you even asking me this. Just answer. Yes. I'm a black guy. I'm so disappointed in you, Raymond. I mean, there seems to be a lot more to it, right?

No. Not to me. Raymond. My name is still Raymond? Yes. Okay I banish you You will now have Jake's laugh

And Jake Hmm Jake would you rather have fat Albert's laugh Or just keep nothing Hmm Probably nothing I don't think he's got a good deal Seems like you guys have a lot of

but six and I'm not really trying to add that to my tragedies. I'm trying to keep my tragedies to where they're at, which are a lot because of you, by the way. So I wouldn't take his life, but I will. Did something happen to you? Yeah. So

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And then we'll just go ahead and keep the nightmares and prostate orgasms as a side. I can keep that. Yeah, that's fine. That's fine. And I decided to actually kill Raymond. Okay, perfect. Yeah. And all the kids of his school get killed, too.

He has a family. Yeah, I think I might be mixing him up with Lil Bill, if I'm being completely honest. I don't. I think I might be racist. clear to me I think I might be racist towards cartoons I can't

and in that case why am I having sex with Lil Bill you know you could be asking that for sure but I kind of thought that Fat Albert

lived in the Little Bill universe he might I don't think he does they live in the Cosby verse yeah maybe maybe it's a dangerous place to be I'm actually a demon

from the Cosby verse hey nice to meet you yeah I remember I remember in Sunday school I don't know if they went over like demons with you guys but they kind of did it with us

which is like not really canonical but whatever it doesn't matter and they were like oh some of them are parasitic and they attach themselves to people and they like you know they take away all their happiness

and stuff like that really old Sunday school teachers who's really nuts and I remember like as a kid thinking like oh one of those has my dad that's probably why he's so pissed off all the time

and he's why he's why he sleeps so much and that's why he gets he has to get a new job every fucking three weeks is because he has a parasitic demon attached to him and I would like come home and I'd be like yeah you know

dad's just got a demon stuck on him and my grandma would be like what? What are you talking? My dad's mom. I'd be like, yeah, that's why dad he puts some beer

in his lunchbox. He's got a demon on him. I was like nine years old. If he ever finds a way to get it off of him, he'll probably be able to work at the McDonald's or something.

Probably, he's just got to get it off of him. And my grandmother on my dad's side wasn't really religious. She was like an Easter and Christmas Christian, but she didn't really believe in God.

And she was like, Jacob, what the fuck are you talking about? And I were being like the demon the ones that ate away all your happiness and the ones that take away all your joy and they live on your back like a monkey she's like who the fuck is teaching you that i was like miss esther she's 98 years old weighs 25 pounds and she talks to us about the different demons and that then you know

their personalities and stuff the demonology shit i i thought was like straight up in the bible until like not recently at all i was very much in college but i i like i didn't believe in God, but I thought that that was like, everybody believed in like, all right, there's Beelzebub, there's Belial, there's Lucifer, there's Satan, and then there's a bunch of guys, and they're kind of princes, and then there's, you know, fucking

Azazoth, or whatever the fuck. Because some of the people that were in my church it was like Southern Baptist, but kind of like, kind of spooky too, a little, like, kind of like, goofy. And some of the people in the youth group believed in that shit, or that, like, led youth to group or whatever. they're like yeah you gotta be careful there's the ones that you know

it'll make you jack off there's the ones that'll make you cheat on your wife which by the way is a crazy slick cop out in my opinion yeah i got the cheat on the wife demon i don't know why i didn't get the gambling demon but i got the gay demon just for one night i guess you get rid of them fucking my buddy paul demon i guess fuck i got the suck of my buddy paul's dick demon it's like man i've some demon raped my son

Oh, Jesus. Jesus Christ. What a shame. What a fucking shame. God damn it. Oh, well. Yeah, what can you? That's why, like, I love, well, I was like, I guess I'm going to church, but, like, stop believing in God.

People are like, oh, their, his demons are fighting. I was like, no, but I think, I think, I think Brian is just a homosexual. It's fine. And I think Pete drinks a bunch of beer. and fucking throws his kids down the slip and slide hard as hell. And I think fucking Miss Linda fucking loves having sex with everybody in the neighborhood. I think that's what Ms. Linda likes. There's no better fucking, you know how I think I became a bit of a gossip myself?

Is because I was raised primarily by my mother. I'm not a gossip in the traditional church biddy sense, but I was raised by church biddies. For those of you who don't familiar with the term, a biddy is like a middle age they could be young too but often middle to older age lady at a church and they say stuff like

so Brian went golfing with Scott and they were gone and Linda told me that Scott and Brian slept in the same bed at the hotel and you hear that and your mom hears that and then she comes on

when she's like I think Brian's been fucking the deacon and you're like oh that's sick I think I being raised in that environment made me a bit that way where I am like somebody's like you know you know Linda she she just blew the whole football team and I'm like I'm telling everybody that I don't know if I'm supposed to tell everybody that but I'm going to go immediately tell

everybody that I remember in high school we had a scandal with somebody reported that one of the guys who was playing base in the church in the youth church band because he was smoking weed. Yeah. He got suspended for a week from worship team for smoking weed outside of church. Like in his spare time. Yeah, yeah. For alleged pot smoking.

I, so the preachers... He was guilty. I smoked with him. I smoked weed with the preacher's son, who is my cousin by marriage. And I remember This was like Like many years later When we were both adults adults

He's like a doctor now or something I was like Hey did anybody ever find out You guys were smoking weed at church camp And he was like oh yeah man It was my ass I got big trouble And I remember thinking like

Dude being a preacher Some of us fucking suck Like I know you kind of had a bit of an experience With that yourself But like everything you do like if I jack off and smoke weed

I'm still going to hell but like my dad fucking crashes forklifts for a living in my mom she fucking play slot machines no matter but if the fucking pastor

is your dad and you're like I've been jacking off and smoking weed everybody the whole goddamn congregation is fucked fucking abandoned by the Lord because of your

I mean by the time I was of an age where I was doing that stuff like my dad wasn't preaching anymore so it was kind of less pressure I still felt the pressure at home but it wasn't like a public Yeah yeah yeah yes

It was for him Yeah like our church Our family church was very very small Like Protestant Like four pine pews And some sheet rock type of shit And then the preacher I want to say like in like the early 2000

I was very young I was a kid, like a little, little kid. He moved, like, two streets over and was like, I'm doing the megachurch thing. And now every time I drive past that motherfucker, I can't believe that he used to preach out of, like, dude, I'm not kidding, like a fucking 700 square foot little building. Like, oh, like, first church type shit.

You know what I mean? Like, you know what? That made me think, whenever I drive past the big church now, like, he's not his new church. He's had it for almost 30 years. Is this that preachers have the same. thing that like any small business owner has the same realization where you're like I got something here I'm clocking like 55k a year that's nice that's not a bad living for

an American I could probably clock a millie if I just if I just start fucking having monster truck rallies and I start because dude once they got the megachurch man they started doing mega church shit it did not used to be that way my preacher literally had the Did you watch Rice's Jimstones? Mm-hmm. Yeah, so he was in the first season, the, like, preacher that John Goodman has beef with, the kind of, like, slick back, like, small church preacher that's like, you know, we don't need no fancy, but whatever.

He was like that. And then at some point, he became John Goodman. I don't know what happened. I don't know if, I have no idea. I couldn't tell you. But he, like, he, dude, they got so much fucking money in, like, 10 years, dude. The church fucking, like, grew, like, grew. like a hundred times at size.

There weren't that many people. It was like a small family church, maybe 30, 40 people. And then when I stopped going, when I was like 15 or 16, fuck, man, there was probably like four or 500 people in that motherfucker. It was a huge congregation.

And I like to think he was like, I need to get my goddamn cheddar up. I'm tired of preach it. These fucking pine box smells like shit. Pews are fucked up. We sing fucking washed in the blood of the lamb all goddamn day. I want to sing some new shit.

I want to sing some new shit with a fat bald black motherfucker. who plays bass like a fucking going out of business. I want to have a band. I want to come down on a set of goddamn wires. I want to get a bunch of strong-ass motherfuckers to come fucking lift up crosses. That shit is real, by the way.

It's anybody who didn't grow up Protestant in the South and you've seen righteous gemstones or like anything. They would get big-ass, strong, nasty motherfuckers to come lift up big-ass iron crosses. And all of them were gay or bodybuilding. which by the way are sinful men I don't know I don't know every last one of them were like earring gay guys who were just there to get paid or they were bodybuilders who were not

these are not men of the cloth these are these are strong guys are carnival strong men I doubt you guys did that you guys seemed like you were pretty much closer to the to the way as the as the old as the old first century Christians would put it but not not me not towards the end there They got bigger and brighter every fucking year. I haven't been in many years, but... The last time I did go, they did the crucifixion reenactment, which I have talked about.

Which seems crazy. Crazy. That seems like a one-way ticket to absolute fucking rape hell. That's what I always thought. I don't think... I don't know if anybody, you've done that time, your church did that. But if you go to a church and they reenact,

the nailing on the cross of the god the motherfucker everybody in the congregation that signed off on that is going to fucking like poop rape hell the deepest the deepest fucking at least in my eyes in my eyes you don't get to reenact that that's not a play you know what i mean i was like being part of the christmas pageant so that was that was fun yeah the nativity stuff that was a blast i got to be the uh i remember i got to be the uh like the host one year nice We did like a bigger thing And this was at a bigger church we went to So it was probably It was like my first public performance ever Where it was a bunch of people It was like at least a couple hundred people there Yeah

In the crowd And I was so nervous going in But then I did great I killed it really And everybody was talking about it And I mean I guess I just You know

Was it born natural But it was all right I got to be one of the wise men one year And then The year after that I was Joseph Jesus' dad It was a bunch of kids putting on the play The Jesus was a baby

It was a baby of one of the people that was there Wasn't a random baby we found out I was a baby one year too You were baby Jesus? Get the fuck out When I was a baby and I shit my diaper And my mom had to come Change my poopie diaper Because it went like up the back of my diaper

Oh you can't have shitty Jesus You can't have shitty Jesus in the crib. Yeah, we had shitty Jesus at yours, me. You can't, you absolutely. And I was straight up like two months old, if I recall. Yeah, you can't. I was like a newborn baby. This is one of the wise men lifting you up out of the manger and you're just covered in green slime.

I was either one in two months or just two months. Straight two. Two months seems crazy to be giving your baby away. I bet I was one and too much. Yeah, your newborn. Baby's newborn newborn newborn and you handed someone else. They're like, ah. Yeah, yeah, of course.

You're going to... Two months You're like red And yeah You're covered in fucking weird Newborn babies suck Yeah no good Yeah

And they're so fragile Yeah They don't suck But they It's It always makes you kind of nervous To look at a newborn baby Sometimes you know what I mean

When they're not fat yet Or anything Yeah And they're just so vulnerable My best friend Cameron Had a daughter She probably I guess that's the entire beauty of life

Yeah, and the innocence and the vulnerability of the whole thing. And it's yours, you know. She came out with a full head of hair and she hasn't lost it. And they think the doctors are saying, I guess she's going to keep it. Dude, she's like red and chubby, like a baby. And her hair is like a, it's like a jet black toupee on her head. It's so thick. And it's almost like a fucking, I'm not even, dude, I'm not kidding.

It almost looks like a Fonzarelli, like Spirit Halloween. It's huge and thick and it like puffer. up on the top, almost like a foahawk. She looks insane. I mean, she's a very cute baby, but, like, he's been sending me pictures. He's like, dude, this shit's not falling off. And she's, like, getting a personality. She's, like, three, four months old.

So she's, like, kind of crawling around. Maybe she's old with four months. She'll be, like, six or seven. Anyway, she's, like, blah, bag, blah, crawling around and laughing and grabbing stuff. But she has, this is huge pompadour almost. You sent me a picture of it. It just kind of naturally, like, baby head oil, like, does a Jimmy Neutron thing, and it's super thick.

Both of them are Mexican, so, you know, she got the... You know what I'm saying? A thick hair, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So, like, he was like, yeah, she's not losing it because, you know, mom's Mexican, dad's Mexican. So, and I was like, I had to tell him, I was like, dude, I was bald until I was like three, four years old. It was kind of crazy. I was fucking hairless, dude. It was kind of nuts.

And then, dude, check this shit out, man. Disrespectful. I didn't have hair on my head until I was, probably about... three or four years old. I was just bald. I didn't have barely had eyebrows. All the baby pictures of me, Thomas, I have no goddamn eyebrows and I have no hair until I'm like two or three. And then the moment I get hair, my dad, who wasn't even really in the picture, insisted that I got a fucking state trooper high and tight until I was 11 years old. I go from bald to like the state, not even the cool, not even the cool buzz cut and not even the cool kind of tapered

fade thing that the cool marines get to have. No, the fucking piece of shit state trooper where it's like bald and then just flat top spiked up and it's a one. I had that, dude. Because my dad had it, his whole goddamn life until he

died. And he was like, we're going to give that boy a man's cut. My mom was like, I fucking, you don't, we don't have groceries in the house. I mean, he's getting he's getting what I got. And there's the moment I could fucking make my own decisions as when I was living with my mom

I looked at myself in the mirror and I was like, dude, it's like, you know how when everybody has the different experience but like when you're like eight or nine and you kind of come online like you know what I mean? Like you have you go, you go, ah! Like it's all real.

I looked at the mirror and I was like, oh! I was like, no, fuck no, dude. Absolutely not. And I was like asking my mom, I was like, why have I had this haircut? My, I was like existential with us like, who fucking signed off on this? She's like, oh, your daddy. Your daddy wanted you to have a haircut.

Wanted you to have the haircut same as him? And I was like, wait, oh, fuck. Ew. And then I grew it out real long. And then I got yellow highlights. That's awesome. Yeah, I went from the military, like, State Trooper Hindtite to, like, the length of my hair now, but with, like, bleached highlights. Just straight to trans.

Yes. Straight to, like, New York Transva. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Dude, my dad hated that shit. My mom thought it was cute. But I go to my dad's place and he'd be like, I don't know. I ain't got streaks of piss in your hair. Like a damn.

Look like a fool. I didn't grow my hair out until college. But I had, we had a strict dress coat at school. So, like, the hair couldn't touch, like, if you had a polo shirt on, the hair couldn't touch the back of it, couldn't touch your eyebrows, couldn't go over your ears, a bunch of stuff. So, so, yeah. It was all right. Couldn't have facial hair at all.

Not that I could grow good facial hair. Not that I can now, really. But, yeah, they were strict on that stuff. We only had that until seventh grade. You couldn't have, guys couldn't have anything past, like, their ears, if I remember correctly. And you had to wear the uniforms. We didn't have school uniforms, but it was like your shorts couldn't go about. above your knee, there was like, I don't know, no skulls on anything.

Yeah, that we had no skulls. Yeah. No skulls, no fire, no guns, obviously. No, like, blades. I got a Mohawk in eighth grade, like a real fucking, like, shaved head mohawk. And my mom and dad spent fucking, like, two hours putting it up. And I walked in a high school at, like, seven in the morning. Or junior high at, like, seven in the morning.

Principal of me, it was like, no. What are you doing? doing? And I was like, this is cool, because I'm a fucking punk rocker, and I don't fucking care what you have to say. And he was like, you're fucking getting out of here now. And I was like, oh, yes, sir, sorry. I'm in eighth grade. I'm pussy. Not actually. I was not actually tough guy. So, like, he made me call my mom. And my mom was like, oh, yeah, he wanted to have a Mohawk, so he gave him one. And the principal was like, why? He was like a hard ass guy. He was like, why? And they made me put it down. I had to take

all the fucking glue and all that, like, because it was big. It was like really long. It was like the fucking, like, you know, British, like, SLC, whatever, punk mohawk. It was like black. And I wore it down. A Mohawk down is basically just an emo, like, side-swept thing with the side-s shaved. So it is, and I want you guys to think about this, basically a Hitler haircut. You do have the thing in the back, and that's what saves it. But a Mohawk down with, like, washed hair is just a Hitler haircut with a little.

bit of mullet in the back and uh didn't look awesome i was pretty yeah i just shaved it after that i wanted to express myself that's okay jake i don't blame you yeah wanted to stand out i i wanted to have a mohawk whenever the a team reboot came out oh of course you had the chuckledell yeah yeah that's a sick look though dude if you can pull it off connor mcgregor has one right now and i i got to say i'm sorry to the mac he looks full fucked up with it. I'm not sorry to him. Yeah, I hope he dies.

Yeah. I hope he gets AIDS. Look, we do apologize to this convicted rapist, but... The Mohawk brother, you gotta get that shit out of here. Hey, shave that crap. Shave that shit. Shave that shit.

Apologize. Hey, we, first off, we just want to apologize and hand it to Connor McGregor right now. But... Something the milk boys would do. Hey, I just want to say sorry and want to say daps up to the notorious, Connor McGregor. I love how fucking, dude, they would have Adolf Hitler on, and they would ask him about, like, Subway sandwiches.

Yeah. They would, absolutely 100. They would be like, yeah. They would have gobbles. They would have all those guys on, and they would be like, so, have you ever had kettle cooked chips? Yeah. well they like dude

the one part of the interview that I like kept seeing with Netanyahu where one of them I think it was Stiney he was like yo you fucking Burger King is like your worst take

it's like your worst take and I was like that's Benjamin Netanyahu's worst take is that Burger King is good he was like I like him from time to time I do like a Burger King or the chicken fries

just sounding as like a fucking evil animal and then Stani's like yo Nope, that's your worst take, bro. And I was like, get everybody, everybody, the kind Vladimir Lennon would have shot everybody here. Can fucking get this motherfucker out of here now.

Fuck, I'd like, dude, the whole thing was crazy. But that part specifically, I was like, dude, come on. That's your worst take. Yo, you fucking with Arby's? Hitler is. Yo, Hitler. I can't believe. that you, I can't believe

you ain't rocking with cane sauce. Yo, Eddie. Yo, A.D. You ain't rocking with cane sauce? No, you gotta rock with raising canes. You gotta use the cane sauce and you gotta sub the coleslaw. You can't be fucking with the coastlaw. You gotta get an extra toast

or extra sauce, man. With the sweet tea. You ain't get the sweet tea? Yo, you got a sub-coastlaw, extra toast. I haven't tried. The sweetie, I usually get the Kenyac. I usually get a Kenyak combo.

I can't do a German accent at all. It always goes Mexican for me, too. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. My name is Edel Villa. I like to eat chicken wings. Usually, whenever I go to raising canes, I like to get the Kenya combo, and I get the root. beer with it.

And I like to solve the Kuzla. For extra dose. And then sometimes sometimes I like to get the party platters. For when me and Gerbos and Mangala

and Himler and Ernst when we all hang out I get the party platter. For when we tailgate like party Volkswagen somewhere and just fucking chill out. Chill out and vibe.

And watch knell poise on our phones. Sometimes we'd be scrolling through brain rot, like reels and shit, just like skibbitty toilet and all that. And we'd be eating Keny at combos in the back of the car. Just straight up smoking like old, like old school sour and shit. Yeah. Like rolling up Lizzie with gobbles and shit and just like, straight up like drinking happy diet and shit, bro.

bro bro goble what's your favorite happy that flavor bro probably probably like purple drank I am fucking with the

you like the death row collab with the purple drink yeah purple the purple the purple drank I like me garbles I like the purple

the purple the purple drank I'm pretty Pretty good. You're like a cat. It's like fucking Borat. No, it's pretty good. Pretty good.

I like to drink the purple man. Every day I go down to Bergen-Belkin. It's me. Himmler. Well, I'm Hill. It's big. Juice. Adam Sandler?

You're Jewish. The fuck. Hold on, man. I'm Hitler. Oh, fuck. I don't think he would think that's funny. I think he likes being Jewish. I don't think it's funny either.

I'll just tell you right now. I don't think it's... I don't think Hitler would laugh at that. I don't think you would either. He didn't understand English. Dude, there's a part of it. Absolutely understanding. Yeah.

There's a part of... There's a part of this book. There's a part of this book. and uh called hitler in the power of aesthetics where apparently he just liked to hang out in cafes all goddamn day and not work at least at least at the at least at the onset uh hemler and mangola

uh sorry gerbils both would always be like dude you can't fucking sit at the coffee shop all day and not doing anything god damn ruskies you're fucking at the goddamn gates and hitler would be like i'm thinking He would just hang out and drink coffee all day and fucking look at birds. Which, like, that's kind of funny. I mean, it's not, he fucking, you know. But that's pretty funny.

He was like a Starbucks writing a script guy, was Hitler. Like, I had Starbucks working on a script. Come on, man, we have to do that Holocaust, bro. Get up off your ass. Come on, man, we're doing it all by ourselves. Vamonos, Hitler. Vamonos, man. Vamanos, man.

And if you want to say adios to the people's party, bro. The people's party. Does you want to say adios to the people's movement? Yeah, bro. Fuck. We are, the troops are starting to run out of chips. I think the troops are starting to run out of Tecate. We got to go, we got to go make a run.

The French are bombing our... Healer, we are running dangerously low on salsa. The U.S. and the Soviets are bombing our supply lines, and we are running dangerously low on salsa. We are trying to make fresh salsa, but we are out of tomatoes. All the fucking rats are chewing all of our fucking wires, and we cannot go not get any more fucking salsa. Our troops are having to share basketball shorts. The SS shorts? They've become tattered from war.

We have to go get more. Some of our truths are full of bullets, and they have no shorts. First of all, Healer, I got some bad news, and I got some kind of bad, but mostly phony news. First bad news, a lot of our soldiers are filled with bullets. Second bad news, we got to need more shorts for the guys. We are running out of sweat bands. For the guys to use for the battles. Healer, we are running out of long gray dickies

Healer The guys are having to use bandages as swishers Oh my god We are running low on air gel And hair nets We got no flannel And we got no dicky shores And the guys have a lot of bullets

in them. And there is no women to cat call here. The men have not catcalled in weeks. They're starting to catcalling each other. And they're trying to say, hey, baby, I like your shorts. But it's their shorts.

They're wearing. And they're sharing them. The guy is saying the cat calling, he's naked. He doesn't. Maybe. Can I borrow your shorts? But it's a cack hole. They give them back and forth to each other. It's very crazy.

And many of them, like I said, many of them dead or fall up bullets or pass away. A Vita Loca. It's very crazy. Crazy lie. The troops are starting, morale is low. The troops are going insane in the membrane. You need to get down here quick, like Speedy Gonzales. You have to get down with the business because the troops are going insane in the membrane.

The troops are starting. We are worried that Edolf Hitler has gone insane in the membrane with a horrible Holocaust. This is the news in like Dumolipas. It's just like one rabbit ear TV. The guy in a Hawaiian shirt. Just drinking a fucking phanta. We are starting to get worried that it is an insane man. doing Germany

doing Germany there's an insane man doing German and also he has a lot of guys and and Armano is crazy out there and these motherfuckers can fight

first of all there's a guy an insane guy and he's doing German second of all these motherfuckers can fucking fight good third of all they are all sharing different pairs of shorts so for now we can get to them there's a huge group of scary guys and they're beating the shit out all their juice It's like a cut Speedy Gonzalez cartoon It's beating They're like walking through the streets of Berlin

In like 1932 And they're beating There's a bunch of all big scary guys And they're beating the shit out of all the youth You have to hire They're going to beat their shit shit out of you. Slow poke.

It's like his hat's pulled over his head. The sleepy mouse. Speedy. There's a bunch of scary guys in there beating the shit out of all the youths.

I told him you cannot do this. I try and tell them, but they're very scary. They do not care about the rules. They make their own. They say, I don't know. Dude, the fucking episode of Looney Tunes

When goddamn Is Donald Duck The white one? Yep. Yeah. Daffy's the black one. Yeah. When he is Seekhiling,

very goddamn funny to me. That's a very... It's not good to do that. It's not good to Seag Heil, but if it's Daffy Duck, or sorry, Donald Duck, yeah, that's going to be pretty goddamn funny to me.

Ladies and gentlemen, and sorry for my absence. I've been in and out of the hospital. And we've got a health. Just got a fresh baby on the way. Fresh baby on the way. So, so, go on over to patreon.com slash pandeot.

Time and sub to the motherfucking show, poor favor. $1 a month gets you access to the Discord. $5 a month to get you access to the Patreon. A backlog of audio episodes. 10 bucks a month gets you access to the premium video episodes. Tom's got one coming up. I'm a film.

some this weekend and oh yeah go to the fucking tickets and buy the fucking tickets go to linktree.com slash pendejo time and purchase tickets please to the shows in September 25th

26 and 27th at Milwaukee and Chicago and Detroit respectively please buy those goddamn tickets what else I had some stand-up shows booked

but I don't know I'm not feeling too hot so I might not do them but if I do do them and you want to come they are September 7th September 11th and September 18th at the Velveeta Room I'll be joining some comedians doing some stand-up there follow the Instagram

Padeo time worldwide God have so many shit listen to drunk uncle Thomas you got anything no nothing's set in stone right now okay all right uh bye guys