Pendejo Time - vintage form

Episode Date: March 6, 2026

drunk construction stories. just like the show used to be 

I was just at the, I was just at my favorite gas station and they have an entire wall of the fake oxy that I was taking a lot of last year. And they're running a sale, but they don't, I guess because none of the guys speak English, they didn't, they, they, they didn't know that you're not supposed to, you're supposed to. to call them like cratum extracts. So on the wall where they had them all, it said, uh, it just straight up said, dude,

it straight up just said, buy $50 worth of pills, get $25 worth of pills free. It's just like, it's like you're not, like, you're legally like not supposed to call it that because it's like, you have to call it like a dietary,

but they're just like, fuck it. Like they, they're, and I love the idea. I wish my old plug. had something like that on hanging on out of his fucking this front window by $50 worth of pills to get $25 dollars with a pills they just call them pills

it's not even like by these by these cratum extracts get no fuck it we all know what this shit is this is heroin by $50 worth of fucking Valero heroin and get $25 worth of Valero heroin free of this charge yeah I watched a bro I watched a dude walk in there the other day he was in front of me i was getting uh zins and a red bull and uh he was like yeah can i get um a four pack of the strawberry kiwi sleepies and uh and a four pack of the uh of the snoozy's and uh it was like two grams of seven oh if you guys don't know what seven o is it's gas station heroin basically it's legal in texas and i was like oh this guy's stacking up like i used

do you know you get paid and you go get like a week's worth of shit we were parked next to each other in the parking lot he ate like 2,000 milligrams of this shit which is like chemically speaking it's like eating like 15 perks just like to the face dude he just wolfed him down with like one of those uh gay electro light drinks got in his f-150 and drove off and i was like dude I don't know how far you have to drive but if it's any further than 30 minutes you are not like you're not you are not gonna make it like there's no way

you can't have two grams of opiate in your system would they be like I got a 48 minute drive to lock heart he was in a construction truck so I get it those drugs are really popular construction guys anytime I used to go buy that shit it was always construction guys who were buying it but extra whole body hurts yeah you're you're Yeah, everything hurts.

Like, your ass. I don't know if you ever worked. I know that you worked a lot of like landscape and stuff, but did you ever work a job where they gave you per diem? No, no, I never worked. Like a refinery on like a big project where they have something like that. I feel like that's like a big operation if they have per diem, you know what I mean? Yeah.

Or at least oil field adjacent. Yes. Because those jobs, like, I feel like when I heard about people getting per diem, it was usually people in the oil field. Yeah, I got it. I had a, so I was told by my dad when I got my first per diem job. You know that monologue that Samuel L. Jackson gives Django when they were going to cut his dick off, but then they sell him to this, like, crazy mining company that, like works him. And he's like, they're going to work you to you back give out. And then they're going to throw you in the beep hole.

And that'll be the end of that. I remember I told my dad, hey, dad, I got a job out in Texas City making $120 a day per die. And I was on the phone with him. This was like, maybe like almost 10 years ago. Oh, about 10 years ago. And he goes, oh, shit. Is that text free? And I was like, yeah.

And he goes, oh, they're going to work you like a dog. Oh, boy. You ain't going to fucking, no, what they got you doing, five tens? And I was like, no, I think 712s, but with a, with a, they're calling a fatigue day. It was like my first turnaround job, and he was like, oh, shit. He was like, I hope you have no plans on ever drinking it because I love you, son. You are not hard enough to drink alcohol and work that kind of life. It's just not.

And I was like, what? I don't understand. And it comes to find out, I would get off work and I would try to have like four beers after working in the sun, like in the Texas heat for 14 days. And I did find out the hard way if a job is paying you more than $100 a day per die, basically you are a slave. Like they treat you, you are being paid, but they like, they'll yell at you for sitting down. It was like 108 degrees Texas City in middle of August.

And I'm like, they're like, hey, what's, you scared to make a little money? You got a little tired, look a little pickish. And I'm like, well, yeah, I've got three layers of clothes on. They're like, you ain't going to make it. So Per diem is just every day you work on top of your hourly. your pay you get like a hundred bucks yeah well it's always different like i've found out from like working with my dad and then like just knowing guys it's like usually the higher the per diem

the more they're gonna beat you like a fucking animal like 50 dollars a day per diem really ain't shit for people that are traveling like because you'll have guys that'll come down from louisiana to work in the oil fields in houston and so that per diem is supposed to be for like a lot of guys have campers or they have truck bed campers so you rent like a space you're in like an RV or a trailer park and that's you know but for the people who live in the area it's basically free money at least for the first year it's tax free and so if it's like a $50 a day thing you know most guys will scoff at that but like I was like hell yeah my dad was like oh yeah I mean that money is good but when I got you working I was like six to six he was like shit

he was like you you you better not even drink one beer or do one keep up you will die you will die. It was like, call me on, I'd call him on the, he'll call me on the phone. I think I talked about the store before. Sometimes he would call me to see if I was up at midnight, and he would go, hello, and I would hear the sounds of the bar. And he would be like, you know, you got to be up at four in the morning and he'd hear the sounds of the bar.

And then my phone, I'm like, yeah, pop up. Fuck, time went off. Trying to get fucked up. Try to fuck this girl. She got, I just bought a bag. He's like, your beating is tomorrow. Ding, ding, ding. He would call it the beat, the beating.

like a boxing match and he would call me again at like 1 a.m. And he would go, ding, ding, ding. And he could still hear I was out fucking around. He would like, you know we have to be up at 4.30. And I was like, well, you're up. He's like, I've been doing this for 40 years. I'm going to do this until I die. I know.

I can hear the slot machine like in the back. Gink. Ding dig dig dig dig dig ding ding ding. Gink. He's like, I've been doing this shit my whole life. Ain't nothing. This ain't nothing. I won't sleep.

You? you're green as a day you're born you're gonna throw up in a forklift tomorrow and I was like now I'm your son then sure enough I'm in the fucking shop forklift in the warehouse just fucking

it's like throwing up into a fucking like a big gulp thing anyway point being if you want to get into blue collar work uh... prudium's nice but they usually beat you to death if it's anything else

yeah you can also not do that job yeah yeah you could do you could do anything else yeah I definitely got worked harder than I ever thought possible liked particularly I think the

other than landscaping being you know it's also a trick is piece pay if you're in warehouse stuff I don't know what that is what is it that's where you get paid by the you get paid by

however many items you scan oh by the palette or yeah you don't get paid by the item not the palette so you might have to pack a pallet And because of so many, it's so, like, few items on it or whatever, like, it just, it's just a waste of time. Yeah. But I remember, like, I worked for Benny Keith, which is, like, a big.

Yeah, yeah, I know what Benny Keith is. Yeah, yeah. It's up North Texas, like, a, don't they make, like, barley and yeast and shit or, like, groceries? Yeah. They make groceries. It's like a, it's like a restaurant supplies and all. Yeah, yeah. They're the biggest distributor of, um, barly, yeah.

Budweiser, but the Budweiser factory is right next to it, like the Anheiser Bushfield. I know. I'd always pass it when I'd come busy. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. But anyway, I used to work at that Benny Keith, and it was like my, one of my first, I guess, real jobs where it was like, I had just dropped out of college. So I was, like, trying to, you know, proved my parents that I wasn't a complete loser or whatever. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, of course.

But I remember my supervisor called me because I stopped for like two minutes to take a piss and he called my phone while I was pissing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And he said, you haven't, I'm looking at your tracker and you haven't picked a case in four minutes. What's up? And I was like, I'm in the bathroom, man. I don't know what you want me to do. But yeah, I was so, I was actually really bad at that job. And I wasn't drinking on the job.

I wasn't smoking weed. I really wasn't trying to do anything wrong. Um, but I was not in very good physical condition. Yeah. And also did not really, uh, take to the system at all. Yeah. I didn't really understand any of it. I kept forgetting my wallet and then I'd have to crawl through the barbed wire, um, part of the fence.

Yeah. You know, like it was one of the, so like that kind of, that kind of facility. Yeah. Like you can't just get in because it's like food that's sent all over the world. so you have to have a lot of security, right? So I would always fucking not bring my wallet. I would drive 50 miles from my parents' house, forget my work boots,

because I didn't like driving in work boots, so I'd always try and bring them with me. And so then I would fucking have to climb over where you're scanning with your key and move the barbed wire out of the way and crawl through that. Yeah. And then hop back down like 12 feet.

and then wait for somebody to leave this one door because I couldn't key in but I at least got through the main barrier and then I would just slip in and then I would have to go in the office and get these steel toe clacker things to put over my phone posits because I'd forgotten my work boots again

I didn't have steel toes on and then I would work at like 30 I would get like 30% of the shit done that everybody else was and I was busting my ass. Yeah, yeah, yeah. For that $16 an hour. But they were going to move me to piece pay after my probationary period

and I was on track to be making like $12 an hour because of peace pay. And it was night shift, minimum 12 hours for that shift. But sometimes we would go to like 16. Yeah. I was making. But I was making it. Oh, go ahead. Sorry.

I thought that was so much. much money like i made i made a few thousand dollars in like six weeks yeah yeah and i was like shit dude i'm on track to be a millionaire i think uh-huh dude what i i was making 18 an hour at that plant and that per diem was 500 a week and then i had time and a half and i would work 80 my collars blue but my dick is pink like i would work fucking 80 hours a week dude like easy squeasy no problem because we were it was a turnaround job and so you're contracted for you yeah what's called seven 12s with a fatigue day so you work 12 uh 12 hour days seven days a week for 12 days in a row or 13 days in a row and then that Sunday which would make two weeks of working straight would be your day off

now lots of times they would work us bro they would fucking work us I think the longest I went in a row if there was a holiday coming up like July 4th oh dude I worked like hold on somebody's at the door one second sorry anyway yeah I didn't talk it all during that time oh that's good that's awesome I'm sure you didn't say anything no I didn't oh okay

funny is they just sat there for a full minute like oh I'll edit it out because usually if one of us gets up the other one you know it's like well my day's been awesome well yeah just came up just sat there just went like this they fucking uh but yeah like they like you would you work 18 19 days in a row and with the per diem and then with the hourly i was making i was making pretty good money dude well um

like the most money i'd ever made but here's the thing and i know there are guys who listen to this that are still in the blue car of life like sometimes you get that check dude and And that ain't even worth it. They beat you so fucking bad, dude. I would get a weekly check that was like $1,500, $1,600, which is at that point in my life, I went straight from the middle hospital to Houston and then into the first refinery that I could get into. Like, that was kind of the trajectory in my life at that time. I left the mental hospital, told my roommates, hey, if I stay in this town, I'm going to hang myself.

Pack my crown, Vic, full of as much of my clothes and TV and threw everything else in the trash, and drove straight home to my mommy's house where I lived in her living room for a little while and I went to the first refinery I could find sometimes dude you work they work you so goddamn hard that payday comes and you're like what am I even going to do with this

I can't go tie one all like I gotta be you get your paycheck you know you wait tables you work in a kitchen you get your paycheck maybe that next day is your day off and you go

ooh it's time to enter the fucking Thunderdome. And you're like, yeah, fuck it, let's run it. We're going to all the bars. I'm blowing my whole shit. But when I was working like that, I couldn't even do that. I would get a 40-a-old, I would get a Mickey's

malt liquor 40-ounce beverage on the way home. And I would drink that shit in my car. And then I would come upstairs to my mom's place and I would fall asleep in my high-vis, F-Rs and my fucking steel toes and my fucking cover-all paint. You know, the pants that connect to like the F-Rs. far, high viz.

They're like, they're not a, it's not a full, what a women call them rompers. It's not coveralls, but they connect as if they would be by like a clip. I would just fall the fuck asleep holding the Mickey's. My brother has so many pictures when we look together of me just seated completely just up. Hard hat in lap. Mickey's in hand just completely asleep at like 5 p.m. He's like, yeah, man, you used to just come home like red and like crying.

and you would get like halfway through a Mickey's and then fall asleep and then you'd spill the Mickey's on yourself and mom would have to make you go to bed and I was like, how old was I when this happened? And he was like, I think you were like 24, 25 and I was like, yeah, that sounds that sounds about right. That sounds like an appropriate age to be doing that type of shit to be fucking,

to be literally, they're like, you work, they work, you work so hard. Like, you'll know, I know that you were like doing the arborist thing for a while. It'll be so hot And you'll be doing something so dumb Like Somebody will ask you to do something so stupid It'll be so hot and you'll be so thirsty And you can't go down and get water

Because you just, you're working Then you literally, if you go down If I got off the man lift Or if I stopped doing what I was doing to get water I would be told to get back to work That you're like Your brain is like that of like a Of like a cockroach

Like you don't I remember being up like 40 feet in the air working on some bullshit being like my brain is so hot that I'm like I'm only thinking about like you're reduced back to like 500,000 years ago you're like meat fresh water like jack come sleep like your buddies are texting your phone and maybe you pull your phone out because the form is not around and they're like hey it's Thursday we're gonna go lollas what are you doing and your brain does you put your phone right back in the pocket because your brain is like sustenance

heat stroke heart rate shelter shelter shelter shelter cold water fresh fresh lettuce like there's nothing else

going on up there except just like I don't dude I don't miss that shit at all not a fucking not one bit I know you I kind of like heat exhaustion a little bit

I like I like being on the verge of heat stroke a little bit you get that little euphoria action and I think it's probably about as good for you as huffing paint. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, probably, but I know you're telling. I kind of, you make a good point. There's like a weird, like, bliss you get when it's like you probably actually are going to die. That's why you're happy.

Whenever you start to think, I think I'm actually going to die. Yeah. Your brain is like, oh, maybe you feel cool. You love these guys, by the way. You love these guys. It's so funny that you're out here. here doing this awesome thing. Working with a with a bunch of dudes that were in the A, B.

Whenever you, like, might have pissed your pants earlier, but you can't tell because that whole area is just so wet. That's when it starts to be, like... You may... Like, your jeans are stuck to you in a very Dominican way. Yes, yeah, yeah. You may have sharded, but, like, there's no way for you to even figure out what's going on. Your penis is in, like, a knot.

Yeah, you make a good point. I have... I have fond memories of being in a... part of my job was well I mean I did all sorts of shit but one of my jobs was like I would be in there with the welders and I would be like

dialing in their welding machines in these tanks while they and then when if they went out I had to fix them I guess like service tech is the fucking whatever you know but I'm in the fucking tanks with them and these are big ass tanks and outside the tank it's 108. Inside the tank it's like 125.

And you're fully layered up. And there does come a moment where your brain, yeah, your brain is so hot that it's like, you're like, wow, I don't actually have any thoughts. Like, you know, I work a white collar job now and I get stressed out about like things in my life, like things in my personal life or like tragedies that have happened to me. Dude, when you're in a fucking, when you're hanging out with a welder who you find out got out of prison for rape like four years ago and he learned to weld in prison. Or he got out of prison for brutal assault.

Or he's just a nasty, he's just didn't go to prison. Just a big nasty motherfucker who's evaded the law his whole life. And you're in there with him. Your brain kind of does reduce, it shuts everything else out. Like there's no, you don't think about like, I don't think my mom should have done that. Or like, man, I wish my dad was around more. Like, ah, man, I wish my, yeah, I wish I could help my brother. Like, none of that happens.

All that's up there is like, I'm in this tank with this fucking guy. We do not like each other. Or I'm up in this tree with this guy. And we really don't like each other. And we have to be up in this tree or in this tank for the next 10 hours. And then at the end of it, do you know what we get at the end of it? $135. Which when you're...

You could have fucked me for that. Like, I think about it now and I'm like, somebody goes, hey, do you want to be in a hot container with a fat white racist with with more tattoos than teeth? And he keeps showing you pictures of his wife's pussy. Do you want to be in a hot container with him for 13 hours for $150? I would say no. I would, maybe that means I'm soft now.

And maybe that means my podcasting life has dulled my, my desire to make money. But if you were like, hey, I've got a great opportunity. Oh, if once I got those details, I'm fucking ski-daddling post-haste. I'm out. There's no fucking way. You're not, no. That always happens to me at work when they'll be like,

and by the way, guys, we forgot to mention this, but of course you do have to come in on Saturday. And it won't be that bad, but yeah, normal time, 6 a.m. Yeah,

and I'll be like, well, can it be optional if I've heard it works 40 hours or whatever, and everybody else is like, oh, so you don't want to make money?

You don't want to make money? You don't want to make money, you, you know what I do? If they had one Saturday that was like my average Saturday, they would fucking never come back to work. That's what I don't. I don't know how to tell them. My life is fucking awesome.

Yeah. Yeah, dude. No, I don't want to be at work Saturday night. Yeah. You know what I'll be doing Saturday night? My card's going to be getting declined because I thought the dive bar and Ridgewood would have dive bar prices. And now I have to borrow money from whoever's birthday it is. but my life you know what I mean I'm I'm having amazing meals I'm having I'm pretending to like wine you know I'm

coming up with storage solutions you know I'm looking I'm looking at the sunset I'm on various rooftops across any given major city on a Saturday night and I'm looking at sunsets yeah I have my assistant fly me to a different time zone to look at the sunset there you know I don't want to be with you picking up open for an extra 12 hours this weekend yeah yeah I don't hey man because because think about how long that is to hang out with people you don't know that's like that's like you match with a girl on Tinder and you're like hey want to go on four full dates this weekend like flowers yeah like you never even went on your day her up hey I got four three hour dates planned for us this

weekend I figured we could do breakfast and dinner on Saturday and Sunday. Is that cool with you? Sephora, T.J. Max, Target run six hours. We're going to Red Lobster four times this weekend. You win? Actually, that would actually be a good pickup line. Girls would like that.

If you invited a girl to go with you to Red Lobster four times in a weekend, that's free game right there. She's going to think that's funny, and if she doesn't, then it probably wouldn't be a good match. but if you get if you still i've look this is one thing i want to address a few times now guys have told me they've used a joke that i've made as a pickup line on on tinder

yeah if that happens that's two bodies and one of them's me but somebody you know what i mean that doesn't i don't think that counts yeah yeah that's kind of betraying that's kind of rape if you do that to if you tell another guy's joke to a woman and then she fucks you because of that.

And you do that knowing that you can't come up with something that funny? It is subterfuge. I got a... Somebody sent me a screenshot. It was a... It was... I forget her name on Twitter, but... She sent me a screenshot.

She was like, somebody on Tinder in L.A. is using your Panda Express tweet in their Tinder bio. And they, like, posted that. or whatever, or they just sent it to me, and I was like, I kind of got mad. It's like, I, it's,

it's like the one people fucking, it ends up on like fuck Jerry all the time. Yeah, it was Brian Singer. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, it's like, Timothy Shalameh.

And I was thinking, I was like, you're in L.A., dude. Like, if you're in L.A. and you're on Tinder, and,

like, L.A. Like, not fucking Thousand Oaks, not fucking Tarzana. Like, you're in L.A. proper.

You got to be fucking handsome or doing some, And you've got to have something going on. You can't be, in your case, whatever that, like, you can't be stealing jokes to get dates. You can't be putting other people. I mean, you can do whatever. Listen, if you want to take something I said that you thought was funny and fucking use it to meet your future wife or a husband, I don't give a fuck. What part do you? I've got to do.

All right. I have a chance to address this now, okay? Okay, go for it. So a black lady stole the white baby tweet, right? which is fine. She didn't steal it. She used the joke. But she used it.

Okay, she didn't steal it. She used, she quoted it. She used the joke that everybody used it, which is fine. And now she's getting credited for it broadly. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And there's, I, it's not that big of a deal, right? But it would be funny if I made a big public deal about it being my joke. Because unfortunately, I am the most disappointing person who could have

come up with that. Correct. Yes. Not that good of a joke, but it's a guy, white guy named Thomas White, who has done, I'll say it,

nothing for the black community in terms of global outreach or anything. The only thing I've really done was try to, try to keep my Ghanian friend from getting laid off one time because I thought that he had received an unjust performance review.

and I legitimately think the supervisor may have had him mixed up with a different black guy. You know, I'll say that. He's a good guy. Yeah, yeah. Anyway, but in terms of what about, you know, I haven't been on Abbott's Elementary. I haven't stood in the background of one of Zach Fox's Instagram photos. You know, I haven't. there's a lot I haven't done.

And I do think ultimately the best thing you can do to send off any joke that's gone on for too long is give somebody else credit for it even though it's yours. Yeah, I mean like... And so I would like to hereby pass on authority of that joke to that lady.

And now you guys can tag her whenever it gets mentioned because it's not that big of a deal. Yeah, when you brought the Green Goblin Mask thing to my attention, I was like, oh, I didn't even know, because I was offline for a little while then, I didn't even know that it had happened. And I was like, oh, was that me?

And then, like, it became a part of the zeitgeist in the way to anticipate. And then I was like, you know, you have that moment. And this is going to be my Jake's life lesson to the men and to the women, if you want to listen. if you do something cool ever in your life or funny

ever um and somebody maybe bites that a little bit just let them bite it it doesn't matter like it straight up does not matter like at all like it doesn't matter if I whenever I find myself

getting particularly possessive over a concept that I thought was funny I'm immediately like you're the gayest dumbest whitest fattest loser of all time like you are literally fucking scum. What's the fucking, what a, uh, um, fuck, what was I going to say?

I don't know. Oh, yeah. You said that, uh, if somebody stills your joke, you should start playing with your pussy. Yeah, you should start playing with your, you said, playing with your labia. Yeah, yeah, you start playing with a little bit until the cows come home. Yeah. Honestly, yeah.

Um, but that's, I will say, if you're trying to make money on, of it and it's not yours, you are in the enemy zone? I kind of, you know what? Here's my deal. People who make money on the internet by curating,

I don't like that. Like, I see my tweets on massive, like, literally there's one account that does ask me if it's cool, if they use it, I forget the name of the account, but they have like over,

like, a million followers. And it's one of those, they just post tweets. And they're like, hey, can I post your tweet in my slideshow? And I'm like, I don't give a fuck.

Oh, I always pissed those people off so bad. But I later, but I, bro, I found out. I sent, fuck Jerry, a picture of my penis when I was like 19. Yeah, I think I sent, I think I sent, was it trash cam, Paul, or fuck Jerry. One of those, I sent a picture of just my ass cheeks in the mirror. One of them, but this was back. I think this was right around the time we started the show. This may have been around the same time of our careers of being like where we didn't want to do anything.

And we both wanted to die and we didn't know if we wanted a career into anything. Wow, back then. back six years ago yeah yeah five years ago um yeah I got I got them pretty good uh in the last couple years because what I'll do is I'll

I'll say that I need some time to think about it and if they could circle back later I'll try and think about whether I want it posted on that platform or not and um and then they'll I've gone back and forth for like

six months with some of the curation companies because they really want a particular tweet on there. And they'll be like, please, have you please considered it? If you could just please grant his permission, that would be awesome. And I'll say, I just need some more time and space on this issue. Yeah, yeah, that was fun. I feel about it yet. I say that to debt collectors. That's kind of funny you say that.

That's been one of my, I kind of got tired of doing voices to them. And so lately I've been doing therapy talk. To debt collectors where I've just been like, hey, I'm just not in a place to set up a payment plan with you right now. I've got a lot going on. Mainly and emotionally, I need space to process the fact that I owe the hospital $3,800. So if you could just circle back with me in six months, I may have the time and energy and emotional bandwidth to provide you with $150. And then I hang up the phone. Usually they call back immediately after that because that's not really quite the answer they're looking for.

but again Jake's advice corner if you want free tuition and if you want free health care and you want UBI all you have to do is accept the fact that you can have those things you just don't need to pay debt and then that's pretty much nothing really happens if you don't do that we don't have debtors prisons yet in this country if you're white sometimes they do be sending other people to jail for that but Yeah, if you're white You can pretty much just take out a bunch of loans and stuff And not pay them back and nothing really will happen to you If you ever want to have a house, maybe rethink that

But if you're cool with renting forever Yeah, that's pretty chill I don't pay credit card debt And I do not pay student loan debt And I do not pay medical debt And I have a pretty good credit score And my life My life rocks actually

I have a great life lately I've been found I found myself in places mentally where I don't I have to remind myself to be grateful of the things in life that are good you know I gotta keep a jaw I have to keep a jaw real with myself sometimes because I've been

profoundly what's the word psychotically evil miserable but but the thing about that is is that it's always darkest before the dawn so I think probably in a couple months

I still have a manic episode where I I get on some type of peptide and I take a Muay Thai fight three weeks before my wedding maybe break my jaw just just do something that just do something

to kind of fix the depressive episode but the thing's never really that good you know how it is like you know you do something that pulls you out of the gray and into the orange orange being the happiness

but that transitionary phase is mired in and of itself mired in tragedy because mania is just a a different manifestation of a lack of control over your own life you know what I mean where you're like you're talking to people and they're like

so you know you remember Louise to go on a one I date with right and you're like yeah yeah the blonde one and he's like yeah yeah so her and I were going on a third date but her parents gonna be there? Is that soon? You're like, I mean, you know, we're in our 30, ah, we're in our 30s. Oh! So, you know, like, maybe it's not that soon, you know, like you're 28, what is she 31? Like,

ah! Like, it's not that crazy soon. Everything's, you're dying, you're dying, you're dying, you're dying, you're dying, everybody's dying, you're fucking, everybody's dead, you're dying, your life's over, you're dying, ah! You know what I mean? And then that kind of compounds to the point where your brain goes time it's time to get on TRT your brain whispers to you in the midst of all that

you know it's time it's time to start deadlifting incorrectly more weight than you've ever deadlifted in your life it's time to start being mean to everybody that's not

your wife it's time to start being cruel That's what happens to me at least Sometimes I get so I'll get so depressed for so long that the way out of that is just just become Basically like Ebenezer Scrooge but I'm I'm trying to deadlift 500 incorrectly Three times a week, you know what I mean? I really want that I want that 500 deadlift even if I compress all the discs in my back and make myself six inches shorter That's really big that's been kind of the the go-to lately

I want that number I I don't want to binge What's up? No, you go ahead. Do you think? Not bad. I've been talking too long. I've been rambling.

Somebody unsubscribe from the show for that reason. I'll, uh, I'll, uh... Well, a little late, you guys. A little late. A little late. Also, if you want me to talk as much as Jake on any given episode, you're really... You really don't realize how rapidly I do real things and how unable I am to have a conversation. I will say that.

A lot of people, you guys, you guys really don't realize how bad I am at structural podcasting of any kind. It's not fun of... If you've never... If you're listening to this, you've never made it five minutes

into a solo episode by me, so don't ever say that Jake is rambling too much. Jake is talking because I'm not. I'm giving him almost nothing to work with, and I've almost never... I've said like six things in the last five years. Every time Jake says, hey, I'm not feeling well. Might need you to carry on this one.

I say, you're on your own. That's not going to happen. I can't help you. I can't help you with that. That's something personal you have going on. We need to keep this professional. Yeah, I don't know why you keep texting me about all this tragedy, man. I need you to keep it 100% profession.

I know your life is. tragic, mine's not. I don't need it to be. I don't need it to be. I don't need that. Dude, I remember, I remember somebody messaged me when you, when my dad died and you did that episode with Matt Crispin where you had the robo effect on his voice. People were blow, dude, I'm at my, I was at my dad's celebration of life.

I'm not going to make you feel bad. I legitimately got a laugh out of this. I'm not, I'm not like, I have no enmity or ill will. This is legitimately funny. But my dad's celebration of life and I'm getting messages like, uh, hey man, you. You know, I've dealt, I've put up with a lot as a subscriber. But this is just, I don't, this is unacceptable, man. No, here's the thing, he didn't have a microphone.

I know, I know, he told me that. He's, he's one of the hosts, is one of the hosts, and we love him to death. And we're glad that he's made such a, such an incredible recovery. I do mean that. But, yeah, he did not have a microphone. He did not have a microphone, and that's okay. I think I had like three people on in those two weeks, and almost none of them ended up having microphones or misunderstood,

but it's all good, and we are thankful that people came. I remember Lawrence Schlossmann from Throwing Fits came on? Yeah, I didn't remember that, yeah, yeah. It was awesome. It was an awesome time. I remember when we had P-88 on, and people were like, why was the audio so bad? And I was like, because he was using an Xbox.

He's in a fucking layer. I was trying to explain to people. I was like prospector. Prospector is one of the very few guys online who is not one of the guys. I thought he was like doing a bit or whatever. And then we hopped on the call. And I was like, oh, shit. No, no.

He's actually legitimately insane. He's completely gone. I love him though. I don't care. I don't care. He needs to come up with some normal family style meal situations. All right. So we got this one is $44.

Uh-huh. And it comes with 30 nuggets. Four sides. four treats and no drink. That sounds pretty good to me. Okay. 30 what? Okay, so go four cookies, four fries.

Okay. 30 nuggets, not tenders nuggets. $44. That's not bad, dude. I guess, I think this is like, it's New York pricing or whatever. I think it would be cheaper elsewhere. And it's 4,100 calories.

Uh. that's only like a penny per calorie. That's a really good deal. I saw, it's funny you mentioned that. I saw one of the lifting guys I follow say that the, he was like, he was in his car and he was like,

dude, the macros on the 30-count grilled nuggeted chick filet, 200 grams of protein, 500 calories. I repeat, 200 grams of protein, 500 calories. And all the comments were like,

what about nitrates and sodium? He's like, Shut the fuck up. 200 grams of protein, 500 calories, $18. And they were like, yeah, man, but that's like, hey, man, I don't know if you look at the macros, but that's like 11 grams of sodium. That's like, that's 11 grams of table salt. And then the nitrates, that's, like, that's really bad for your heart. And he's like, hey, listen, I don't give a fuck.

He's in like his Toyota Tundra. I think he's from Texas. He's like, y'all are out here saying, he's like responding to his comments. He's like, you're not. listening to me I only care about two things calories protein I'm on a cut 200 grams of protein 500 calories 18 dollars and I remember like I was what made what made that so funny to me is there's so much tragedy in the world like an immeasurable about of pain and when we're never we're never going to it's never we're not going to revolt like we're not going to fix any of it

Like, you know, we're all of us are cowards. And, you know, those of us that are brave, seemingly just go and kill, and rain the motherfuckers. I kind of have an appreciation in my heart for a guy who just sits in his truck and is like, 30 chicken nuggets, 500 calories, 200 grams of protein. I don't want to your fucking shit about sodium. I don't want to your fucking shit about nitrates. We're putting up fucking.

numbers. Anyway. Okay. This is a real winner. The Popeye's 16 Tenders family meal classic. $53. It ranges from

5100 to 7,400 calories. Sheesh. You've got 16 chicken tenders up to six sauces, three sides. And that's what the fries.

If you go, if you go large red beans and rice, you can go, let's see how many calories we can get in this. Go ahead. I need to ask you a question, though. Oh, actually, we're going to do. Oh, I know what we're going to do. We're going to do mac and cheese, three mac and cheeses.

And we're going to do for the sauces, we're going to do wild honey mustard for all three of them. That's the most calories. Dude, I'm on such a heavy cut right now. This shit's making my dig hard. You got to fucking stop, dude. Oh, sweet. My milk comes with eight biscuits. Fuck!

Dude, I'm not like fucking 14 hundred calories a day. I'm about to kill myself. Yeah, I feel you, man. I've actually been eating a lot. I was going to ask you. So, I don't know. For our listeners, I think Raising Cains has expanded, but for those of you who don't know what Raising Cains is,

it's a place to get chicken tenders and fries and some good Texas toast, and they have a very popular type of sauce called Cain's. I think it's now nationwide pretty much. I think it's now nationwide too. We have it up here and everything. Oh, nice. Fuck yeah. Okay.

So a question for you. And I know you know what this decision is like because we have very similar minds. We're friends. You know, me, I'm a box combo guy. Okay? When I know we're going to get canes, me and old lady, me and Ash, I'm a box combo guy. To the day I die, that's my fucking shit. But there's a beautiful moment.

A beautiful. moment where you get up, there's a car in front of you. There's like an SUV in front of you either with a family or a bunch of drunk college kids, a bunch of drunk kids, and your mind goes, hey, let's get that Caniac, dude. Let's get that fucking, let's get six tenders, two toasts. Let's get an extra, extra large fry. And then you sub the coleslaw out for three toasts. And calorically speaking, this is a problem.

approaching 10,000 calories if you get the lemonade or soda. Okay. And you got to get the large drink because you're going to drink half of it on the way home. Correct. That moment, and you can apply this to your favorite fast food restaurant of your choice. Whatever your traditional order is, the moment where there's one car in front of you and you're, there's kind of a battle happening. Kind of like a Stephen Douglas, Abraham Lincoln, Great Debate type deal where your rational mind is going, hey, you know a box combo does the trick. That's four tenders.

That's two toasts if you sub to slough for toast. That's fries. You know that fills you up good. You know it's not on the diet, but it's a little cheat meal between you and the Lord. And then there's a other voice. It's like, order the thing called the Kaniak. Hey, matter of fact, order the Kaniak. Get two tenders a la carte and two extra toasts.

Eat 10,000 calories of chicken, bread, and potatoes in your car in the eight minutes it takes to get to your apartment. do that and then when you get home and your wife's like do you want to help me do the chores that we share in the house you go I have diarrhea for the next three days I'm also up to heart palpitations I just ate 10,000 calories of fried chicken potatoes and toast in under 10 minutes

if I were to do this in a competition setting people were to look upon me with fucking gravitas and grace they would say goddamn that is a real big eating motherfucker how the hell did he get here that moment is so beautiful to me. That is impressive. The last time I went, dude, I was trying to be

good, and I got the three finger. You just got the three finger? What's it called? I don't know. I think it's just the cat, no, what's it called? The box is the four. The three finger combo, whatever? Yeah, yeah. Yeah, sad. Dude, what's happening, dude? That red of true tag got you acting different. That guy, it's got some moving. That was before. That was before. Oh, this was over Christmas.

Oh, okay. I went by myself and I dined in at Raising Cains. Dude, dining in at Raising Cains is like, you're going to do a shooting after. It's so dark. I felt good. I made a bunch of teenagers. They were probably like, they were probably like taking pictures of me and putting it on their Instagram stories. Like, look at this fucking washed old man at Raising Cains. Maybe because it's, you know, grass is always greener.

I will say this. Whenever I dine in and in and out, there's like, you know, you're joking around. Like, there's jokes to be had. It's usually after a late night And you're laughing and you're with your boys Or maybe you're with your girl Or your wife, your fiancee, whatever, your boyfriend And y'all are just like, you know what?

Let's just the lines on let's go in And it's there's something romantic about it Maybe you're a little buzzed or whatever There's nothing. This is from my Southern brothers again. There's nothing romantic about an inside waterburger meal. There's nothing. Oh, I've done that.

I've done that at 10.30 in the morning. Because I used to live next one. I used to walk over in my boots and my basketball shorts. I remember. And I'd get a cheeseburger as soon as the, oh my goodness. Dude, when you used to. As soon as there was a cusp in the meal time to where I could have it for breakfast and lunch. Yeah.

I get a big old. You know what I really miss from what a burger. Yeah. Good old days before it got bought out. It's a Monterey melt. Oh, dude. That motherfucker went hard. hell.

My old probation officer put me on to the Monterey melt towards the end of our time together. Yeah. Now, when I was like 16, he was like, by the way, if you ever go to Waterburger, next time, next time try the Monterey melt. It's kind of underrated. And I was like, that's cool, man. You've been talking about prison rape this whole time. I'm glad you've randomly said something nice. The guy that put me onto the Monty was a pill dealer because we were talking about, we were, I was at his house.

And sometimes you know how when drug dealers are cool, sometimes they let you sit at their house and do free drugs and you hang out with them for a little bit. So we were chopping up some, we were just chopping up some lines of oxy and we were arguing about the best waterburger meal. And I said, it's not the water burger. It's not the chicken tender box. I'm a honey barbecue chicken strip sandwich guy to the day I die. And he said, yo, he said, yo, that's an OG sandwich. That is a delicious sandwich. Would you like to snort this oxy-30?

Or to which I said, yes. He said, let me put you on some game. He was a black man. He didn't actually say, let me put you on some game. He said, my favorite shit is the Monterey melt. And I said, what the fuck is a Monterey melt? And he was like, bro, when you leave here,

go get the Monterey melt. And that actually is the prologue to the story I've told on this show a thousand times where I nodded off in the drive-thru. I nodded off in the drive-thru at the Waterburger and rear-ended the guy in the big Dodge Ram, 1,500 with a cop of the parking lot, and I was, surely I was going to jail. I thought, fuck, I'm going to prison. I'm going to jail because I got a bunch of pills in the car,

and I'm drunk as fucking, I'm high as to fuck on pills. And then the guy gets out of his truck, and a bunch of beer cans fall out of the driver's side, floorboard of his truck, and he says, please, let's just go home. I can't get another one. And I said, fucking goddamn, I'm 20 years old. My life's over. Yeah, that sounds good, so I didn't go to jail. But anyway, I love it when a guy who you would not hang out with,

under normal circumstances gives you a sandwich recommendation, and it's one of the best things you've ever had. I just remembered. This was like I was, like a senior or junior in high school. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Driving. But dude, like, it was late at night, and I was just, I just got off work.

I worked at a restaurant, and, and I was waiting on my order at McDonald's. I mean, what a burger. I would always walk inside and do a to go order from inside because it would save me time compared to the drive-through. I still do that if I can't. And it's kind of increases your aura if you do that too. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

But I did that, and they handed me the wrong order. And I didn't realize until I got back to the car. But I had just been shooting the shit where the guy went to high school with. Like, he was in my classes and stuff. I was still in school. Yeah. And they walk up to me and hand me a bag like the worker does. So I was just like, oh, cool, thank you.

I go back to the car. And I start eating some fries as I pull out of the driveway. And then I look in the bag and there's like six sandwiches in there. And I just got, I think, a McGrittle or whatever. Yeah. And I realized, well, I have these sandwiches. and all these fries, but I've already dipped my hand into all of the French fries.

Right, right, right, right. So if I hadn't done that, right, well, then I would have just gone straight in and given all everything back, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And what I probably should have done is gone and give them the burgers, and then the fries would have to be remade. Uh-huh. But instead, what I did was I drove home and I ate all of the, I ate, like,

like three burgers at night. And then I warmed up the rest of the burgers later. And that guy like never talked to me again because we were the only, him and his brother and me were the only three people in the lobby. There were only two orders they were making. I took one of them, looked in the back, got in the car, looked in the bag, and drove off with all that. And it probably took, you know, it's what a burger.

And it was like a Friday, you know, Thursday night or whatever. So it was probably, they had a big drive-thru. I'd imagine. They probably waited like, if you get like six burgers, it's probably going to take like at least 15 minutes for that to be ready. Yeah, yeah. And they were just about to have to start all over with the whole order. And they were about to hand him a bag with one burger in it.

Which he, it's like one of the only times I've stolen, but I didn't really steal it. He's just given him me. He fucked up. It's been fucked up. You got it. Well, we,

me and my brother, but I still think about it. It's one of the only times I really ever ran off on the plug, you know what I mean? Yeah, no, I did. But it really made my, it really just, I was so happy about it. Yeah, I had a very similar thing with Popeye. So, like, when my brother first moved in with me a few years back, like, you know, before he had all of his stuff and he moved out and all that stuff. him and I, we would get fucking

throwed off together, dude. And we would get drunk as fuck. And I would be like, yo, there's a Popeye's like right down the road. And he would be like, yeah, let's do that. And we would always had the same. It was like not the chicken tender meal, but the one where you get like a drumstick, a thigh, the mashed potatoes and the fries.

It's like the box, basically the box combo. One time, dude, him and I, and for context of the surfer to make sense, my brother and I have a policy because there just wasn't a lot. Him and I ate old food all the time. There wasn't a lot of food in the house at times when we grew up, and so you would eat leftover pizza or you eat leftover KFC or whatever fast food mom or dad had bought, and you would live off that for a week. Like, even if it made you not feel too good, like that's just what the food was. dude. I get a big ass bag, but I don't think nothing of it. And I drive home.

Bro, they had given us two, um, like, you know the, it's not the boxes that are rectangle. It's like the bucket boxes. They fucked the game up and gave us two family meals.

So there was like six thighs, I think like 12 drumsticks, a huge tub of mashed potatoes. God knows how many fucking french fries. And him and I are drunk, and the day is fucking long. And we get home and we're going through this stuff and I was like, I think they fucked their order up.

But he was like, you know, I'm hungry. I'm drunk and I was like, fuck it. So we threw Fury on, War Movie, and we started eating. Earlier what I said about not being able, I still have this problem. I cannot, if somebody has something that they were eating and they don't want it, I cannot let food get thrown away. I have to eat it. I'm fat at heart.

Also, I hate wasted food. It's like it hurts my spirit. Me and my brother, dude, we get to a problem. point where we're like breathing very heavy on the couch in living room in my apartment and he's like how many he's like how many the thighs are there and I'm like there's two chicken thighs there's four drumsticks

there's one mashed potato and he was like are you going to put this in the fridge and I was like Ashley doesn't eat leftovers she just makes it creeps her out so I'm going to do this way and he was like we can't we can't throw this away this is too much food you know how I am and I was like I'm the same way

he was like we have to finish this Dude, we sat there Probably between the two of us We probably split about 30,000 calories With a fried chicken, mashed potatoes, Mecca cheese, French fries, toast Biscuit, dude,

there was like 10 biscuits in there And he got a large sweet tea And I got a large sweet tea So that right there with all the sugars Probably like 600 calories Dude, we killed two family, two big family meals from Popeye's

Between two people And then I woke up I woke up, I turned my head. Both of us had fallen asleep on the couch sitting up watching Fury. Dude, you know how when you really fuck the game up and you really eat a whole bunch of food? Like, before you go to bed, your belly's normal. And then when you wake up, your belly like hangs over your pajamas a little bit.

Like there's a new bell. There's a new role that developed midnight. Like mid-evening a role develops that you did not have at 9 p.m. and now it's 4 a.m. and you're sick. Yeah, I was one of those. And we both blacked out that. I browned out. He blacked out. And he, like, woke up super sick, dude.

Both of us did. And he was like, do you like Uber food last night? Like, what's up, man? I don't feel too good. And I was like, oh, yeah, no, I took us to Popeye's. And they fucked the game up and gave us two family meals. And we ate both of them. And he was like, how much food was that?

And I was like, oh, you had about seven chicken thighs. I had about 10 drumsticks, two chicken thighs. we both ate a half a gallon tub of mac potatoes there were 10 biscuits so we split them 5 and 5 evenly brother style you had 64 ounces of sweet tea I had 64 ounces of sweet tea

we split the half gallon of mac and cheese between the two of them he was like why didn't anybody stop us and I was like well the only other person here was Ashley and she came out came in the living and saw what was happening and was like

brothers brother's lament brother's brother's evening you know what i mean she's not gonna she's not gonna stop two roads boys from eating 35 000 calories of fried chicken it's just not yeah i mean it's a dangerous you know so i guess what some people are probably thinking this point of the story is so actually doesn't eat leftovers right yeah yeah do you guys also not eat leftovers oh wait me yeah i eat her leftovers usually 99% of the time i guess it i guess you guys

were drunk too, but as a couple? No, no. I'm saying the refusal to eat it for lunch the next day it's interesting to me. But I guess you guys were fucked up. I, no, no.

So like, we were so drunk that there wasn't, we'd eaten so much that there wasn't quite enough to position it as like a, hey, babe, do you want the rest of this? So we just decided fuck it, let's finish it. But yes, big picture answer. Lots of times

Ashley does not eat leftovers. unless I make a particularly tasty meal that we don't have a lot. Like I made lasagna the other day from scratch, pretty much. I bought the tomato sauce, but whatever. And I bought the pasta noodles. But everything else, you know, like I made it, you know, layered it and all that shit, baked it and it was fucked up. She ate some of that. But if it's just like steak or something, she won't eat it.

So if I make food for us on a Saturday, Sunday I'm eating both of our shits. That's just the way it goes. She's not a leftover person. Ashley really likes to eat cheese and potatoes She's kind of like a medieval peasant She really likes potato-based foods and cheese She doesn't really like meat She'll order something that has meat in it

And then she'll eat the parts of it That are rice or cheese or potato And then let me have the rest Which is sick for a fat fuck like me Or a guy who's fat or heart, you know Like she'll order general so's And she'll eat one of one so and then she'll eat the fried rice

and then eat the veggies and she's like I can't do this it's tripping me out and then I'm like give me that Daddy's gonna eat fucking

9000 calories of fake Chinese food Oh my god You know it sounds really good right now This has been This has been such a food related episode because I have not been eating and I've been exercising And it's been

It's not a food related episode And then they're making food songs which people like It's me literally dreaming and thinking about food. Yeah. I've been trying to, I've been like working out and everything and eating mostly clean and then I've also been eating mozzarella sticks every single day.

It's like the one thing that I, that and candy and chocolate. I've been drinking two tall boys of beer. Last night, two tall boys, tonight, two tall boys. That's not too bad, but I need to get, and to make sure, I need to close that off. I need to shut that down because two becomes five, becomes ten, and then it's just, we're back to square one. But I am, but the fun, one of the best parts about being on a super big calorie deficit as a guy is just drinking two beers.

You know what I mean? You just get to drink two beers and then you're like, you know, it's like a, it's a crazy event. Anyway, thank you guys for listening to the show. please go to patreon.com slash Pandejo time and subscribe to the Patreon all the new subs that came from the various new podcasts and guests and tours and things.

Thank you guys for listening. I really appreciate it. Regarding video episodes, I'm sorry. I got really sick again and I've been sick a lot this year. So I wasn't able to film as much, but I'm going to try to do something this week, maybe, if I'm lucky to film some.

more video episodes for you guys um i uh i don't i i when the health shit kicks in

it's hard for me to film stuff anyway um uh march 18th i will be at the valve uh march 26th i will be at creaking cave and you can get tickets to those shows at uh

the velveter room.com creek cave.com March 28th on Sunday i will be at the velveter room you can get tickets it's to that as well. Just go to the calendar. April 24th, I'll be featuring, I'll be doing 15 or 20 minutes at the Green Room,

which is a common club attached to a weed store. And then April 28th, I will be opening up for Lemon Party in Austin at Creek in the Cave. And then May 1st, in Houston, same thing. I will be opening up for the Lemon Party Boys again. at fuck i think that secret group or the riot i don't know but if you go to lemon party dot life you can get tickets for those shows thomas you got anything um check out the joe box tv

new episodes every monday for a few weeks one of this new season with joe mccano and tommy bear and it's very funny go see it on youtube oh hell yeah watch joe box that shit's fun this fuck thank y'all for listening uh okay bye bye bye See?