Pendejo Time - VUI

Episode Date: April 29, 2021

sorry officer I wasnt swerving I was vibing. cool pistol check mine out. heaven here I come. Support the Show.

Hello. Hey man. Howdy. Here we go. Just chilling at the crib. You know how I vibe. Dude, I've been on a whole vibe lately. It's been a whole vibe. LA has changed me. Like a scared vibe?

Oh, that's right. I went to Los Angeles to be a gay superstar. People kept telling me I wasn't going to make it, but you just got to put in twice the work that everybody else is putting in. Yeah, you see a guy suck one day yeah three um yeah you know and the thing about that is like you know the you got to do the the worst stuff you know at first and then you gotta like eat the poop and like yeah that's the easy stuff i don't even know if that's the worst thing yeah i was gonna say i don't even know if that's like the worst thing i'm just assuming that it's something like that but again i could just be

a vanilla dude maybe it's like way way worse shit i imagine the worst stuff is like they take you to Guantanamo and like just throw you like 300 feet into just a – Like off a cliff in the ocean? I feel like that's where that industry – like that's – you do that and by then you're making like $500 off that. you do that and by then you're making like 500 off that yeah you're uh you're the cia black bags and takes you to guantanamo and you're like man i've always wanted to do porn and they're like what and you're like i'm gonna start saying that and like what do you i'm gonna start saying that more like just like social settings where i don't really know anyone that well i've always thought about it it's just like you're at a you're at a wedding guy you kind of know but you felt pretty yeah yeah it's like my third day on a job well yeah so the shop forklift you're gonna want to want to park that. Have you ever considered like just like gay for pay type stuff?

I hear it pays like really good, like $800. I'm going to start saying that for any gap in my resume. I mean, look, man. Yeah, I was just. That you're doing gay for pay for life. Yeah. You know, making ends meet, literally, you know. Yeah.

Literally make my end yeah meet yeah meet me and you're talking to a potential employer and you're like i'm getting fucked in my ass raw so for me you know working at a grocery store is really a much less stressful environment i had a job interview earlier and it did not go well. And it was over the phone and the lady was talking to me like she was breaking up with me. She was like, don't settle. Like, you know, I mean, we'll keep you in mind, but just don't settle for something that you just don't want because you want to get a job. You know, like it's like you have so much like so

your resume like it's like it's like uh it's not you it's not you it's me type deal we're just we're just not ready to hire anybody um yeah i'm not looking for anything long term uh and we're not looking to hire anyone even though I'm calling you I've never had that not work out but that's cool man I'm really envious of your life I have a really good life

sometimes it's all I can sometimes it's all I can sometimes it's all i can think about is how is how much good well it's good and how much better it's gonna get yeah i mean you know i think about making 45 million dollars a year podcasting and how i think my life would somehow be worse we've talked about this i think i think i don't think we've ever had like two different episodes i think it's just no they're all there's like it's like loadouts in call of duty there's like four to five options we have for an episode it's like our joints hurt hip-hop working out or like how good

our lives are but it's not yeah we're both we're both crying yeah uh and the random episode where you have like man mania from not sleeping so you're talking about like see those are the ones where i'm just literally talking in my sleep. Like, that's really... Yeah. And it's funny because those are the only episodes where anyone ever, like, like, hey, man, you were good on that. I'm like, yeah, that's cool, dude. I was, like, in the kitchen just yelling, and I left the microphone.

Yeah, you were, like, ambient sleepwalking. I thought the microphone was an oracle, and I was asking it for advice. Anyway, does anyone else here have poison ivy? I remember, I was a Boy Scout for like seven months. Yeah, until they turned you out. Well, no, they turned me in. I was a Boy Scout for like seven months. Until they turned you out. Well, no, they turned me in. I was already down.

Yeah. And then they were like, man, he really knows how to spit on it and grind up on it. So they made me the president of the Boy Scouts at eight years old. Yeah, I mean, looking like you were making a stick of cotton candy, you know? Just rolling and driving. Yeah, they were pulling on me like taffy a stick of cotton candy you know just rolling driving yeah they were pulling on me like taffy

like an old candy puller yeah I was like a rotisserie chicken at H-E-B it's funny whenever we talk about this stuff now because there's no

like passion behind it it was yeah I was getting you know it was like a rotisserie chicken you know

it was just yeah well yeah that was just, yeah, well, yeah. That was the work, man. I think the long-term goal, the long-term goal that I have for my, you know, performance here is we're going to see, you know, we're going to get you to come up with maybe two, three more stories. And then we're just going to see how depressed I can get. And I think once we reach a certain point, we're just, the sky's the limit. Well, you know, we're like a bottle rocket. We're just shooting up and up and up and up and up and up.

But like what's happening is we're like a bottle rocket we're just shooting up and up and up and up and up and up and then and and but like what's happening as we're slowing down you know we're getting to that like kinetic point where we just peak and we're we're like coasting but we're like three months in which is really impressive yes yeah well i mean it's dude hey check it out may is going to be five months we've been doing this shit we're almost in 50 episodes i could have had a baby i'm one day where you're gonna call like you're just gonna start to call the zoom call and and be like hey man i gotta put the kid to sleep and i'm gonna be like what are you talking about like yeah just in between last've become millionaires, but you, like, you just get, like, a lawyer to deal with your medical debt. And me, I, like, start buying kids like Angelina Jolie. Yeah.

I was going to say, like, set up franchises. Like, you start knocking up one after the other. No, I wouldn't. But you adopting, like. Oh, come on, man. If you were, if we made like a hundred thousand a month

there's kids that just wouldn't notice there's a zero I mean actually you're actually totally probably there's they play this in kindergarten

you're right yeah no me I would be full I'd be going full rock hudson you know anyway i'm trying to imagine you with like seven kids from seven different countries and you're like this is due to uh he juggles yeah i'm like boozy if he wasn't transphobic his uh what was that interview he had? No, I think I know the one you're talking about. And he's like, the only thing I remember...

I think I told you. Did I tell you about that or have we both just seen it? I think maybe someone... I remember someone telling me about it, but I don't think it was you. Well, it's something I talk about pretty often. So I, you probably heard it from someone else, but I always remember telling it to a different friend. But like, yeah, the one where he just like his only regret in life is not coming in like one or max two women. He's in like a, like a, you know, a real interview, you know, but.

He's in like a real interview. That video that I posted about him talking about that Logan Paul fight where he was like, he was like, what are you doing it for? You got enough money? You can never have enough money. I'm not going to say the word that he said. I don't know what word you mean. He said buddy. That's the word I replace it with.

Whenever I rap along to Freddie Gibbs. I've tried to do that and I just throw up instead. Anytime I even think about it. Saying the N word? No, just the word itself. Anyway. just the word itself. Anyway,

but I... Yeah, I just start thinking about it and I just get so angry, you know? Yeah, I think about all the lies, you know, all the... just the fucking bullshit. Dude, I've been thinking about all the crap lately. It's been going on this world.

Yeah, dude. I've been thinking about all the fucking just absolute, like people just don't. Life is crazy. People don't. You mind if I get on my phone for like 30 minutes?

Yeah, I can probably, I can hang a show. Oh, man. I can, I could probably make it happen until about 9 or 15. Yeah, that's your bedtime. Yeah. I could probably make it happen until about 9 or 15. That's your bedtime? Mm-hmm.

Yeah. It's fun. Dude, I'm going to let you guys in on a little secret. This is a free one, too. So my girlfriend shows up, and she immediately starts cleaning my whole apartment, which is my room. And she's done this before, and I'm super appreciative. But I'm also like, like man i am an adult and i was thinking i was like i need to do the podcast after she like i helped her because if i'm podcasting and she's cleaning my bathroom i'm gonna feel like i should kill myself

like after this episode like if i'm if i'm talking into a microphone with you and my girlfriend's like sweating on her hands and knees in my bathroom yeah i'm just gonna hang myself with the usb cord i'm just gonna kill myself there's no like there's no yeah i'm like not only am i a podcaster like that's already yeah that's a part of your life you know yeah yeah i'm a Yeah, I'm a podcaster. I'm a podcaster whose girlfriend shows up after driving three hours, enters my room and says, absolutely not, and then starts cleaning while I'm talking about penis butt poop.

Yeah. Worth noting, since I'm on the topic, I've had people DM me that are like, that they're like, they'll DM me and this has only happened, I don't want to make it seem like a pandemic of a thing. It's only been two or three. But they'll DM me and be like, like about my girlfriend and they'll be like. You're like not as good of an account. Now that I know. That you're like dating somebody. And I'm like what are you talking about? And they're like it just doesn't seem.

It's not the same. And then they block me. I'm like what are you. Like I don't understand what just happened. And then it happened like a second time. And I was like it might. Like yeah you're not as funny now that I know that you're not. Like I think if you have like meaningful hobbies or a normal life like

there are some people who just don't they can't reconcile like stupidity on the internet and then like any semblance of normalcy yeah way they just like completely go nuts yeah it sucks because i'm just like overall a really normal and stable guy. And people just... What are you becoming? Are you just going to vibe so hard you go insane? I'm going to do what? You're going to vibe so hard you go insane?

I'm going to do what? So hard I go insane? You're going to vibe so hard you go insane. Sorry, I need to get my... I have these weird... No, I have these weirdly malformed ear canals. I need to get them... Do you make a lot of earwax? I don't know.

I do. I don't look down there. Fuck my shit up. You don't clean your ears? No, I get the... You get them like irrigated? Yeah, because I... They're like really small.

And they like have like a weird bend in there. And I... Yeah, I have the same shit. It's like um and is it was one of my uh no it's like i don't really care what my body is you know but it's like that one thing i'm like if i can get plastic surgery first i'd like to have a normal sense of smell and then also if i could hear most of the time because i blew out a door speaker in my car and i didn't realize for like six months because i'm used to like just not hearing stuff very well yeah i'm the same way dude like playing

having played music for as long as i have and then just like going to shows and not wearing earplugs because I don't like to wear them they're uncomfortable I'm at the point now where I'm like uh my bandmates will be like all right from this spot and I'm like what and they're like count us off and I'm like all right one two three and I just I can't hear anything with the headphones and while we're recording and I'll just like I'll be I'll be hear anything with the headphones in while we're recording. And I'll just like – I'll be talking to somebody and all of a sudden my left ear will go – For like 10 to 15 seconds. And I'm like, yeah, it's probably good that I'm like not even – Yeah, you have like Vietnam veteran level tinnitus or whatever.

And it's from like playing the guitar. Playing. Yeah, and drawing yeah like I I have no cool stories other than like like beer bogging stuff and playing shitty

punk music or emo or whatever the fuck but you know what dude what was uh what was it that Drake said YOLO I think I'm

yeah it stood for yelling out loud only all the time. Yelling out loud all the time. YOLO'd. YOLO'd. Uh...

I, uh... So my AC went out of my I uh so my AC went out of my apartment and it's really fucking hot and when I put in a maintenance request when my dryer went out they took about I don't know two and a half months to get to it

so I'm moving out in July so I bet by the time I'm ready to move out my AC will work again. It's hot as a motherfucker in my apartment right now. The maintenance team here, I'll put a request in and I'll get a text on my phone that says, you know,

maintenance order 921995 received. And I'll get a text message six hours later that says request completed and it will not, request completed. And it will not have been completed at all. And so I'm like, okay. So I put the request in again, and that happens two or three more times. So I go to the front office, and I'm like, hey, my apartment's like exploded.

Nothing works. And they're like, oh, have you put a maintenance request in? And that's one of those moments I have where I'm like, before anyone could stop me, I could smash this computer into this guy's head. I could, before anyone, it's just me and this leasing agent who, they didn't do anything wrong. They haven't done anything wrong. They don't even know what's going on, I bet. This is student housing. But like, they're like, oh, have you tried putting in a maintenance request?

And I just, my ear, that's, it just, they ring, and I just see fucking just, just fire. And it's just fucking, and I'm like, I have like a, one of those intrusive thoughts I think we've talked about before, where I'm like, man, it's just me and you, dude. And there's nobody else. And I could beat you to death. Yeah.

To fucking death, dude. And you don't, it's not your fault. It's not your fault. But right now, what you just said to me me i want to like rip your jaw off like a chimp like i want to fucking rip your hands off like you're not there was one thing you weren't supposed to say and it was have you tried putting in a maintenance request and you said it and you kind of said it condescending and so now i'm going to fuck you to death. Like I'm going to kill you. But I have to be polite

you know because I don't want to go to jail for the rest of my life. Yeah that's how I am when a freaking teacher tells me to act normal in class. I say yeah you haven't seen the

the twisted door that text I'm not gonna bring it up in detail but that just I love stuff like that

that's done in earnest and it's just like people who do like welcome to my twisted dark mind

tumblr shit on twitter and they're like uh like over the age like they're just like

20 they're whatever the fuck years old I'm like, uh, like over the age, like, they're just like 20, they're whatever the fuck years old, and I'm like, man, uh, have you ever considered just doing it? I know you probably think about it, but have you ever considered doing it? Like, really, just, just putting the stool under the I-beam in your garage, and just fucking, get, you can go buy a hook from Home Depotot like a like a harness or just like a ceiling hook for like fucking three dollars you just tie off a belt or a piece of rope man and you just rock that chair back and forth and it just just cease to exist just nothing

it only takes about 30 seconds yeah i've never thought about anything like that, but I imagine... You haven't? No, not one time. But I imagine it's rough for individuals to do. I think a lot about how I can make this world a better place. Did I tell you I'm going on a mission trip? Oh, I think you mentioned something I'm passing about it, actually. Where are you going? Yeah. Alabama?

I just, you know, it's a new time in my life. No, you're going to India. It's there close. It's a road trip. What are you going to do? Are you just going to speak the word of the Lord? What's on your itinerary? Let's hear Thomas' itinerary.

All right, so you want to play by the rules, you've got to lay down the law. Rule number one. No fighting. Rule number two. You want to kick the horse, you better mount up the saddle. Yeah, my dad used to say that to me.

No, I came up with it. No one said it except for me. Number three. Okay. I just lied, by the say that to me. No, I came up with it. No one said it except for me. Number three. Okay. I just lied, by the way, to you. Smell good. Gucci cologne. Number four.

Number four. You hit the road fast and you don't let it hit you back number five man that's such a good that's such a good thing you you can take a

monkey to the zoo but you can't teach it how to be a zookeeper and take care of the other animals. What Bible verse is that? Is that from... That's from Dave 15.

Dave 15 verse 4. I wonder if I can fit a whole computer mouse in my mouth I mean I think that both of our heads are big enough to where it would actually be did you just try it? I can't remember

no I can't. Do you have a big-ass gaming mouse, or what? I feel like that'd be super simple. I mean, me, I've got, like, a really, like, I can, you know, like, I can really get stuff in there. I have a small mouth I have a very English overbite in my jaw I wish I had one of those

moray eel jaws you know where they got a back up around the Adam's apple you could like double under I just wanted to bite a dude's head to clean off someday you could like you could like double under I just wanted like yeah I just want to bite a dude's head

to clean off someday that would rock I I I want to do an action movie neck break like where you just do like a

chiropractic adjustment and the guy just ceases to exist yeah um I probably won't ever have like an ability like a

not an ability per se but like an opportunity to do something like that but it's one of those things that I keep sort of in the chamber you know

like you just you're like nah I watch enough of these action movies I could probably just just you know

maybe I'll do it for these action movies, I could probably just just, you know. Maybe I'll do it. Maybe if we hit 10k a month, you can just, yeah. You know what's fucked up is I did post about this and we talked about it, but like I did say at 5k that we would like fight each other

and i'm realizing that i mean on the trajectory that we're on like it's totally reasonable for that to happen within the next two years unless it just unless everything just falls to fuck which it might you know uh you know we're in limbo but i'm realizing now that I could probably easily just get back to being really fat. And that would be a really funny thing to have filmed. I think it would be funnier if I just gained all the weight. Yeah. I'm about to join that MMA gym. I told you.

Yeah. Looters? Yeah. Oh, really? Nice, man. Yeah. Let's kick ass. Well, because there's a

uh there's like a new guy at work and he goes there and he's cool so he was like yeah come through i was like all right chill but um they uh there's like a couple like they've got some they've got some heavy hitters there i didn't realize yeah they've got some yeah dude the looter gym's got some like, like legitimate prospects. It's not super expensive or anything either. Really? That's dude. Any gym in Austin that had like ever had, and this is the same case for Houston that

ever had a contender or even a guy from the UFC, their price. There's another guy who is like, you know don't like keep track of ufc like you do but from what i understand he's like pretty big in ufc who who trains there but i can't remember his name and then there's also like a couple like ufc contenders i think um yeah no the looter gym has a few guys i can't wait to just go and then just get my rotator cuff torn in the intro lesson and then just like tell people i'm still training for like six months and then of course some you know 120 pound six foot guy just breaks my neck out on the street on instagram live one day and everyone realizes i was lying

the uh everyone realizes I was lying. I've quite literally torn my labrum in my rotator cuff. But I was, so like, this was before COVID, obviously. But I had signed a, like a lot of those gyms do contracts. Some do month to month, but a lot of, they got wise and started doing a Planet Fitness thing where it's like, all right, you're going to pay $120 a month for a year and you can't get out of it. I literally tore my rotator cuff like six weeks in.

But because I was paying it, I felt like I justified the lie. I was probably like 19 or 20. And I was like – yeah, dude, I train like three days a week. But I was – all I was doing was like doing keyboard cleaner and like eating painkillers. But I was like, yeah, I'm in the gym like three days a week, man, like rolling, doing was like doing keyboard cleaner and like eating painkillers but i was like yeah i'm in the gym like three days a week man like rolling sparring you know lifting it's pretty dope people be like oh that's cool now like oh why do you get the sling on and i'm like training just training too hard but i've i had the injury was like five weeks old at that point i just like it still hurt because i was sedentary and not doing anything with the injury so i was just like yeah i'm going to wear the sling a little bit longer,

maybe seven to 15 more nights. But yeah, I've been training real hard. I'm probably going to make the UFC soon. Yeah, I mean, you know, it's just sort of happenstance that I'm 220 right now. I wasn't 220 then, but probably, I don't know. But, you know, it's just happenstance that i like look like shit and sound like shit and smell like shit and uh i'm like wheezing a lot but you know uh i'm training hard i'm gonna be champion i want to be a fucking champion

that's cool though dude when you uh are you trying to like like start soon you said well i i haven't completely moved into the new place yet because uh there's a few things that need to be like yeah no i mean like it's closed or whatever but like um the appliances haven't been like all set up but like uh probably either like this weekend or the next it'll be all ready but i've been real busy lately but yeah it's i'll be at that point i'll be pretty close like 10-15 minutes from them do they have a have you like seen pictures like do they have a cause the one to where I train now like has a full gym

inside of it too which always helps I think they have like a $20 like intro thing and I think I was just

gonna kind of feel it out before I oh okay I didn't know if you knew they had like a like a gym in there like obviously not the mats and the bags and stuff but like some gyms have both, which is like for me.

I know of some that do. I'm not 100% sure if this one does. Okay. And like for Taekwondo, I remember, because you had to get like full sparring pads. And they were like 280 or whatever. and they were like $280 or whatever. Something. But like for this, it's like you don't wear quite as much padding and stuff.

So it's not as expensive as a startup price. No, it's just like, I know how, because I just had to rebuy my shit after it got stolen out of my car. It's like a good boil and bite mouthpiece is like maybe $10. Gloves you can get for 30, 40. Shin pads

50, 60. Cup compression shorts another it's like 150 you know all together. I haven't worn compression shorts in like 5 years. It's gonna be rough I I hate wearing them but like dude I still get like I still

in every sparring I don't know if it's just the way that I stand. I mean, I have a pretty wide, like, stance or style or whatever, but I get kicked in the fucking dick, like, every single sparring session. It's because it's swinging like crazy. I'm too busy. Yeah, dude, my fucking thing be stanking on it. It's just, they can see the lines coming off of it, dude. And they're like, it's like a target. It's like a fucking Air Force pilot.

The fuck was that, dude? What? What's that noise? Was that a hiccup? I mean, it sounded like a fucking bus break, like a hydraulic,

like a... I mean, I made the noise. What was that? Was it a sneeze? It it wasn't i know it wasn't a sneeze i had my head leaned back and then i don't know if i was breathing or not so maybe that was a hiccup do you have fucking sleep apnea no sometimes i'll just zone out though and i don't. Yeah. Like breathe. So that tends to happen. I tell you man.

Yeah. Sometimes I'll yawn like 15 times. And then I'll be like. Am I just. Like not breathing. Somehow. I don't know if it's. And then I'll be like, am I just like not breathing somehow? I don't know if it's, if I get sleep apnea as like a, not even really overweight, you know, at 21, I'm going to be mad i feel like below like below like 320 it's just sad to as a young guy to have it it's one of those things where like i thought that it only happened to people who were on like my 900 my 600 pound life or whatever but like i talked to people who like have to wear it and

they're just like you know slightly chubby they're like yeah i just have to now or like i just die and i like i always thought sleep for a long time i straight up just thought sleep apnea was just snoring but no it's like you just don't like the way that you're like fat rests again like you just don't breathe i have like a kind of a pretty fat neck. So I've noticed sometimes I'll like wake up in the middle of the night. But like, I can't breathe on my laying on my back very well. Really? At all. Like I can't really fall asleep laying on my back because.

I sleep on my side. And also flat on my stomach is also difficult to breathe but when I when I separated my shoulder I had to sleep on my back and I just couldn't like I was like yeah I don't it was weird like I just couldn't also a lot of times I'm just super out of breath. Just, um, like, you know, sitting down or, you know, just standing up, you know, it's, it's part of being an athlete. Um, I went out speaking to that. I went outside to, uh, properly dispose of some grease from a pan and throw it in my grass and i saw two e-cigs on the

on the on the outside little table there and i had forgotten that you during our video episode that probably be one of those lost things that just never happens um or we'll do it but that one is lost I had forgotten that you were just dry hitting two dead ones that whole time and so I was like who the fuck's I had to do like a Jimmy Neutron brain blast I was like oh yeah

who the fuck hit why are there two dead e-cigs out here oh yeah Thomas was sitting here like they were blinking and you were like you were just ripping the fuck Why are there two dead e-cigs out here? Oh, yeah. Thomas was sitting here like... They were blinking and you were like, God damn it. You were just ripping the fuck out of them and you were like,

Please, just stop. It's not gonna happen. Yeah, I've been getting those Zen things lately, but they... Those pouches you were telling me, yeah. I don't like it partially because it's like... You don't really have to do anything. You don't have to chew them or anything

or take a tray. Can you swallow... Do you remember the Stonewall tablets? it's like you don't really have to do anything you don't have to chew them or anything or like take a tray can you swallow do you remember the stonewall tablets i used to do those they're like little nicotine tablets that you put them in your lip no that might have been before my time remember you're like really really old but do you yeah i'm 38 uh did you but can you swap like do you just swallow i just spit it or do you spit it like you because it's like it's like no i'm saying like this oh yeah i swallow that oh okay okay i don't know if you're supposed to but it doesn't i don't i don't it doesn't seem like it'd be bad you know yeah no i i've been thinking about making the switch because

even though i've quit smoking i've been yeah too much and uh and so i'm like i want to like have clean lungs and and no but everything i'm i just i think i just have like an inhaling thing like i just like a you know i don't i don't know because when i when i would dip i would only dip because i could not smoke in that in the plant i was working at or wherever i was working uh like when i worked at a restaurant i would dip if they had strict no smoking policies for employees or whatever like i would dip i would keep it like in my bottle like a back jaw or whatever but i would swallow it which you're not supposed to know yeah i've been there but um yeah uh yeah i mean it's nice to not have you know not be constantly coughing or whatever but at the

same time like you know who cares yeah um about anything but uh yeah it's dumb to have like i feel like caffeine and nicotine are just dumb vices like they're not real they're not real uh it's like it's like intro level but you know sometimes you just gotta stay there forever I mean everybody those are like the ones that you can do like you can you can buy caffeine when you're like five you can go to the store and be like can I get a Red Bull yeah I've always saw it like

the last few years that I feel like energy drinks are gonna be like 21 and up at some point well the ones they're making now I definitely feel like energy drinks are going to be like 21 and up at some point. Well, the ones they're making now, I definitely feel like they should be. Yeah, 300 milligrams each. I feel like if you're a cashier and a nine-year-old tries to buy one of those, you should just say no. Yeah, you should be like, go get a little Red Bull. Yeah, go get a little red bull yeah go get a go get a red can like kid

yeah well i mean listen man i'm just saying like i drank one of those today on an empty stomach and yes i was on an empty stomach and like when i do do that i don't i literally freak the fuck out and i whatever i'm a big big pussy j Jake but I like why and I would work with people like restaurants or whatever when I work construction that would drink like three or four of those a day

like three or four bangs or rains or whatever and I like I don't understand I mean I also used to do a bunch of fucking stimulants, so maybe that's just... Yeah. Their hearts are just conditioned like mine used to be.

I honestly think it's just so you don't have to deal with the crash at that level. Yeah. At this point, I don't get a boost really out of energy drinks, but if I don't have one in the morning, I will be so awful to be around i'm just yeah and same with well i mean like if i don't have my adderall in the morning i am oh dude it's bad but like yeah that's not really like a i guess i justify it because it's a prescription i don't

technically abuse it but it's definitely one of the things that like you know people you know you do you have to take it for a few years and you're like oh dude this is pretty much rest of my life on this. You have to retrain your whole brain if you want to get off that stuff. Which is sad, but it could be worse. Definitely. It could definitely be much worse. I mean, you could be addicted to heroin or something. Yeah, that's actually

worse than... I have respect for heroin addicts, at least. Because it's, you know, you know, I mean, you at least know how to have fun. Yeah. Go big or go home. you at least know how to have fun um yeah

go big or go home 100% and at least that's like you know effectively numbing your mental illness or whatever but if you just get funko pops or whatever it's like man do you think that's gonna work for you

do you think that's gonna does that take the pain away I don't think it does oh shit nice I hope that I hope that

one day they give heroin away at the grocery store. They do. You just have to go to the back. You have to go behind the store. That would rock. I mean, they don't give it away. Yeah.

Typically, that's not something that's given away. Unless you find it on the ground. In which case, you better pick it up fast. Yeah. I think I mean I've picked up drugs off the ground

and done them. You know it happens. Yeah. I would be like hey drugs on the ground i'd be like yeah we've all been there and i wouldn't think twice about it yeah we've all been there yeah i wonder what this does um it's funnier to do it's it's more fun to do it when you have no idea what it is you're just like i'm to consume this. Yeah. Like, I, you know, I accidentally smoked some dog poop one time because I thought it was, you know, I thought it was, you know, a substance or whatever. And it was just, just poop, you know.

I have some friends from back home who always, they post about they're like, just picked up some dog shit, gonna get fucked up at night you know, or like smoking on dog shit or whatever these are guys that I like from like, my hometown, like I know

these guys, I've known them a long time this was some years back, I did not know, I figured it was slang for something Like I know these guys have known a long time. This was some years back. I did not know. I figured it was slang for something. And it wasn't until I asked that they were like, oh, you've heard of cat piss, right? And I'm like, like the piss of a cat? I don't smoke weed, dude. They're like, no, cat piss is a strain.

Yeah. And I'm like, oh, okay. And they're like, so there's a strain called dog shit and i'm like what what they're like yeah it's really really good it's like this indica hybrid it's like super heavy and i'm like uh so you take the money that you get from your job you go to a guy's place and he hands you a bag of dog shit and you smoke that. And they're like, dude, it's just the name of it. I'm like, look,

I would tell the dealer if I did smoke weed and if I did purchase marijuana, call it any of the olds, call it White Widow, call it Blue Dream, call it Strawberry Cough, call it OG Kush.

If you text me, hey, I got that dog shit, I'm going to burn your fucking house down. Like, I'm going to burn your house down. And so they, like, I will see them, like, one of them, my friend Vicar, he'll tweet at, like, 6 in the morning on the way to his job. He'll be like, I found a little bit of dog shit in my cup holder, so we're getting good tonight. Anybody want to hop on Valorant later? And now that I know what it means,

it's not as fucking retarded. But for a long time, I was like, dude, are you guys talking about... Because I know all the fucking nicknames. Yeah, like dog. That's why I was so cute. I did. But, uh...

Like, I remember there was a drug cra uh like i like i remember like there was like like there was a drug craze back where i was from it was like cheese it was like people were smoking tylenol peter heroin cut together you know what's funny that's what i know about that because of kamil nanjiani's like 2014 bit on that that i listened to on pandora radio he was like is that actually a bit did he really do he did a bit on cheese is that real yep i'm not making that awesome and his whole thing was he was like he was like he was like i'm not gonna do the voice because i honestly could not tell you what you got it man rock with it he sounds white anyway dude but he he was like so you're telling me that this is a new drug and it's um cold medicine and um and heroin and uh well it just it just sounds like one of these is doing

a little bit more of the heavy lifting than the other maybe which was actually I mean it was a good he used to be I mean he's a funny guy like a comedian I guess or was at one point I guess he's just like a G.I. Joe now but

I was talking with some people at this at the wedding like I would it's funny to poke fun at like Chris Pratt and Kumail Nanjiani but like imagine you're like you're like a

B-lister maybe even a C-lister and you're playing some like fat dopey rom-com type idiot and then the stars align or whatever and marvel calls you and they're like do you want to get jacked and make 110 million dollars like for no reason like we're just gonna pay you to do steroids for about a year and a half and work out all day uh and then you're gonna be in like you're to have job security for like 15 years.

Everyone who likes movies is going to hate you. By the way. But it doesn't matter. Because they don't have guap. And they're ugly. I really wish that happened to like Mike Berbiglia. Or like Dimitri Morton. Or somebody.

I thought it was going to. I mean dude. The person I was really surprised it didn't happen to was Seth Rogen. Like, he seems like canon. Like, just bait for that type of shit. Yeah, being like... You know, good comedic actor, kind of dopey guy. He would have to still be like...

He's like super stocky or whatever, but like... Yeah. It would be funny to see him as like the... I don't know. He would be in some Marvel movie, but like... He couldn't be too serious of a guy still. Anyway. But yeah.

No, I mean... Yeah, he would have to be... I'm just trying to think. You got it. Aziz Ansari. It would be funny to see them try and build his frame up to anything. Can you imagine him? Like Michael Cera.

Michael Cera was doomed from the start. That man just. Yeah, yeah. But yeah, they give it like one day I mean basically what's happened to Kume like one day you're in a movie called like I don't know

working at the store and it's about how you work at the store and there's a girl at the store and she's beautiful and you stink and then you fall in love at the end and there's like a crime element to it. And then you see that same actor two weeks later and they're like, yeah, I'm just super yoke.

Now I have a different, I have a different skull shape. Dude, if that happened to me, I would be fucking psyched. Cause I mean, I, I imagine there's gotta be money involved.

Yeah. It's like, wow, that's a guy from, then you get to look like a guy. That's a guy from Party in Iran. Okay. And now he went from, you know, I don't know, the two crazy sisters or whatever to...

Now he's making a movie where he's playing Chris's playing chris kyle's best friend that's cool um yeah he learned karate and got six percent body fat two here's how zach efron went from 160 pounds to 280 in six weeks for his role as basically Hercules. Here's what he did. He ate a lot of chicken and he did Wing Chun. His trainer made him work out for two hours a day for six weeks.

And he, you know, he got vascularity in the back of his neck and on his elbows and on the palms of his hands and also under his fingernails. There were a lot of, you know, on-set shenanigans during the filming of, you know, of, you know, he actually ate the director's chair as a joke and then killed the caterer for not bringing enough food one day and here's our top 10 fun facts about you know zach at funnily you see that recent uh he he's got all these like fillers now did he okay so i thought that no i went on his twitter dude He's got all these fillers now. Did he? Okay, so I thought that was Photoshop.

No, I went on Instagram. I saw it on Twitter. Yeah. It's real? Isn't he like 31 years old? Now, to be fair, he still looks younger than me, so I can't really say anything. He just looks swole. He looks like he's got alcoholic bloat.

Yeah, I don't know. Why am I talking shit? I mean, he's still a handsome fella. He just looks like he played baseball in college or something. I don't know. Yeah. He looks like he could have been on the Rangers, but he blew his ACL out. Dude, how was it?

Chewy's the other day, Tex-Mex and fucking off. I was watching the professional professional professional bowlers. Professional burbers. Professional burbers rig. And

there was these announcers. They do like, they talk like golfers i don't know if they're like on site next to the bowlers or something but they talk in a very like a hushed tone and there was a guy bowling who looked like like a genetic mishap like he looked like absolute dog shit he didn't even he barely looked human he looked like a cryptid. He just was fucked up looking. Like, just creature from the Black Lagoon where the wild things are. Was he like super yoked? But they were just... No, he was like, he had like his, like a serious overbite.

Like a shitty like chin strap, massive gut, little bitty arms, little bitty legs. And he was like sickly pale and the hair was all greasy like he looked like a school shooter but these announcers were talking about him like he was fucking ronnie coleman they were like and the poise and grace with which he approaches the lane i've never seen anything like it have you ever seen anything like it joe no i sure as shit have not and when he throws that the technique the slide to the right, the angle out, the twist to the wrist, it's just heavenly. It's like you're witnessing the second coming. And meanwhile, this guy who is probably 5'8", 292 pounds, both knees blown out, wrist gone to shit, is just cranking out strikes.

But I don't – I'm not a a bowler so like all i see is a guy who looks like he's gonna die like tomorrow but then the announcers are like again they're talking about him like they're watching like you know a future wide receiver run like a 4-4 they're just absolutely in all i guess they have to but it was just weird i was like am i are we looking at the same motherfucker dude are we looking at the same motherfucker, dude? Are we looking at the same guy? It was surreal. I wonder with bowling, like going pro with that,

I feel like unless you tear something, you should be able to do that for a pretty long time, right? I see. I mean, I haven't watched a whole lot of professional bowling but when i have seen it it's like a lot of like middle-aged guys out there well you know what's funny is i thought the guy i'm talking about was middle-aged and they were like they were one of the announcers like he's a young guy he's 23 he's got a long life to have him in the game. He was just like full-blown like a U-shaped hairline.

He looked like a fucking community college math professor. They were like, he's 23, you've got a long life ahead of you in this game. And if he's this good at 23, what about 43, 53? I mean, he could own this sport for 30, 40 years.

And I was like uh this guy's not living past there's just simply there is no way also like i remember one time i think it was bowling i think it was bowling i googled like how much like the best bowler in the world makes now granted it's way more money than i have we're talking about like the elite bowler like outside of winning like opens and stuff like just you're sponsored it's like 240 000 200k or something but you're like the best guy on planet earth and like you think about like the worst football player ever or like the worst basketball player. Like a guy who just bench rides. Yeah, they still make like –

Making like $9 million a year. Well, there's a lot of like pro – I don't know about that. I feel like a lot of pro basketball players make like low six figures. NFL guys? No, I'm talking basketball because you have to play overseas and stuff for a lot but i like if you play in like oh sorry yeah so you're telling me like nba make they make no i'm saying the guys who get cut from the nba like once a week

oh and they play for like the europe team or some shit now the thing with like pro football is like the average career in the NFL is like... I don't even know. But it's not, I would say, not more than three years. I mean, there's outliers like Brady. Yeah, but your average guy who's 400 pounds and 6'5", he's a linebacker. He's going to blow an E out or something pretty quick. But Tom Brady is a genetic mishap.

Freak. There's no one who is supposed to look and perform and be Tom Brady. I don't know what happened there. That's how I feel about it. One of my favorite UFC fighters is my height. Well, he's like an inch shorter than me his name's Corey Sandhagen and he's a bantamweight which is 135 he's like 5'11 and a half and he's like uh he's not one of those like looks like they're about to die guys like he's he's and I'm like how do you even like because me being like I'm like how do you even get down to that like and

again it's just genetic like some people are just they can just do that he doesn't look sick he doesn't look like it's just like that's just where that's how he walks around that one third i mean he doesn't probably walks around 145 150 but still like i'm i i'm trying to imagine how i would look at 135 pounds and i feel like I would just look like I die. Yeah, I know. I would probably die. I mean, at any height, 135 is like, for a guy at least, is like pretty small. I mean, it doesn't mean you're tiny, tiny, but like that's a lower weight to be.

Unless you're like one of you're like 5'1". I mean, you can be 5'10", 135 and not look sick or anything. You just have a wiry build. Yeah. But. Yeah. I don't know. There are just some, you know, like athletes where I'm like,

huh, we're the same weight. you know like athletes where i'm like huh we're the same weight and i look like somebody stuffed one of those bob punching bags with a bunch of yogurt but i'm also your weight so we're just as athletic like i have that stupid thought about yeah we're the same way like i'll i'll look at ufc guys that are like 190 like 185 and i'm like yeah nah dude i look like that and they're like six three three percent and i'm like we're the same weight bro like we could probably run the same amount like the same speed probably punch just as hard you know probably bench the same thing and it's just absolutely sick yeah oh well well, you know. So how's your vibe?

You said at the beginning of the episode that you had a vibe. Is it still going? The vibe is off. Really? How are you feeling, man? Yeah, I just... I've really been wanting to just... I've really been wanting to just...

Yeah, man. I got poison ivies. That's sort of my thing right now. I've had it for like... Where'd you get it? For work, I had weed eat poison ivy along a fence line. And I had, you know, like long pants, boots, long sleeves, gloves, face covering, glasses, head covering, all that. Yeah, I still got it. Because I forgot I didn't bother to clean off my work boots or anything.

And then I wore the same belt the or anything. And then I, um, wore the same belt the next day. And Hey, that did the trick. Um, it's all my legs. And, um,

also my stomach and my, uh, my arms. And, uh, yeah, just whenever I get pulled, you don't got it on the dick and balls. I don remember I haven't been paying attention but um whenever I get it it takes like a week to kick in

sometimes and then I'll have it for like two three months it's pretty yeah it's pretty cool really I got like four steroid shots the last year for it because i just get it and i just have it forever mine would go away pretty quickly i haven't had it in a long time i mean i probably had it a couple years ago but i feel like it'd be bad for two weeks and then i'd wake up and it would just be like yeah it'll like get better and then just worse again and then it's fine i mean i said i don't really do that much to stop it though like oh okay i would be super i remember when i would get it it was so fucking annoying i would just rub cortisol on it like every fucking yeah i just you know i'll wear like sweatpants to bed so i don't scratch in my sleep that's about it like like you're in a fucking psych ward.

Last year at one point, I literally woke up and my bed was covered in blood because I'd ripped my legs open in my sleep. Jesus Christ, man. Yeah, like I didn't have any skin on my shins. Yeah, not ideal. No, that's less than ideal. Certainly. Yeah, I went to get a steroid shot because I was like, yeah, it, that's less than ideal. Certainly. Yeah. I went to get a steroid shot.

Cause I was like, yeah, it looks like I have like a massive infection. So I should probably take care of that. And they're like, yeah, yeah. You probably should have like last week. I'm like, yeah, well, anyway. Uh, I remember I had a, a bug bite go bad, uh, on my leg when I was a teenager. And even as a kid, like when I was just like on my parents' health insurance,

I just hated going to the doctor because I knew it was expensive and I just didn't like to go. And I was like skating and I had like just gotten into kickboxing. I think I was like late teens. And I would just sweat in it and I would just like put peroxide on it and like late teens and uh i would just sweat in it and i would just like

put peroxide on it and like rub it and then like not shower because i just didn't really and uh it got super infected and like swole up with pus and uh and uh i was like hey mom this hurts a lot i think i should go to the doctor and she was like what the fuck is that what's wrong with you i was like i had a like a bug bite or something like a two months ago she was like dude you know she didn't call me dude she was like we're the doctor i had staff i just had had staff and like this is one of the worst staff infections i've ever seen and i was like oh but you can do like staff is like chill right and they were like well it can turn to MRSA or it can be MRSA we don't know yet but if it's MRSA we're gonna have to like take

some of your bone out to like see if you got it in your bone and it was one of those moments I had where I was like I need to like clean my body better and of course I did not learn from that experience at all but I was like I should uh maybe not leave open wounds and then do a bunch of sports that i like i remember whenever i for a while for taekwondo i was conditioning my knuckles to be able to um yeah i had to break like a piece of concrete for uh like a concrete block for my black belt test um not not not like a not like a cinder block it was like it was like a piece it was like a two inch thick like board basically that was like set up on cinder blocks i had to like palm strike through it yeah anyway i went to like start conditioning my hands and my sensei or whatever

like showed me how and i like sort of halfway paid attention because we punched boards or whatever. But I didn't think about the fact that the board was on a cushy mat. Yeah. And we punched 10 times or whatever. And I was like, hey, I'm going to speed run this. And so I got a 2x4, and i set it down on my driveway and i full force hard as i could punched it a hundred hundred times like each side and i could on my right hand i could see the knuckles

like like the kill build like your your skin was peeling off and shit? Like I could see the bones. And so what I did was I went upstairs with my hands in my pocket so my mom wouldn't see. I went upstairs and I couldn't find any peroxide. So I got table salt and rubbed it in. And I thought, I thought I'll do this and then I'll rinse it off and then I should do it. And about a week later, my right hand was like from the knuckle up. Imagine you just took like an apple. Or maybe now, imagine you took an orange and you just like cut the skin open and then just put it in my hand.

That's about how big it was. And I got like a needle. I was trying to figure out what was in there. So I got a needle and I poked it through the skin. And I drove it in. And it went all the way in. And then I got a. And then. It hit the.

Bone. And then I had to yank it to get it out of my bone. But anyway I went to the doctor the next day. Because I was like hey. You know it's probably not good. But. Yeah. you know it's probably not good but that kind of stuff just happens anyway guys anyway guys thanks for

hey if you're listening to this you should check out patreon.com slash pendejo time and subscribe to the primo episodes which are really good. They're really good, and we do a good job. And we try really hard on them. We do a good job.

We try hard, and they're... Like, if you listen to them, you'll become one of your friends. Yeah, and we'll be one of your friends. Yeah, we'll be one of your friends. You can DM Thomas as much as you want about how much you love him and want to be his husband all right guys bye bye