Pendejo Time - warrior monk

Episode Date: March 11, 2022

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and he's like you're on the radio that's cool I was like no it's not that it's not the radio it's a podcast he's like oh I you got it's like on the computer and I'm like yeah you know what a computer is yeah I was like he was like oh so like how often do you that I was like twice a week you know video episodes once a month we're gonna do some live shows and he was like i just like i think that he was like i don't understand he's like you just you talk like you get paid to do that and i was like surprisingly yeah you know through patreon and he was like i don't understand you i don't understand what you're saying to me and i was like so there's this app that people pay monthly to listen to podcasts of their choosing.

He was like, people pay money to hear others speak? That seems very, you know, sort of counterintuitive. Like, he was approaching the concept of this. It's so hyper. Like, he's permafrost. He's one of those guys. Very good kickboxer. But just like, I asked. we were talking after the gym,

and, you know, we were just bullshitting, and he was like, hey, we're going to go smoke. Like, you know, you want to hang out? I was like, no, I don't smoke, man, but thank you for the invite. He was like, why don't you smoke marijuana? And I was like, guys. You know, it's like a medicine, right? Well, he's not one of those guys.

He was very, very, I should not have told him what I told him You're good, but I mean it it does I mean it does pick it up, but you're good here I Should not have told him that it gives me panic attacks. We are We are. I shouldn't have told him that it gives me panic attacks. We were in the parking lot. Like, I'm trying.

You know when you're trying, like, a conversation is done, for you at least. Right. And you're like, especially after a hard workout, you know, and you're just like, yeah, man, you know, next time y'all get together and you ain't smoking let me know I just it we gives me panic attacks He like stops Walking away because we were kind of like walking away talking. He was like yeah. He was like well why? Why does that happen to you? And I was like, I don't know Danny. I used to smoke I also used to do a lot of other drugs and you know, I just I can't smoke anymore

I even a little bit I freaked out he was like man, you know i just i can't smoke anymore even a little bit i freak out he was like man you know that uh you know what jordan peterson says about you know bad trips right and i was like oh fuck here we go i was like no what does he uh what does he say about that because i was like i just want to see where this goes he was like you know bad trips are usually like something that you're dealing with but you're not really dealing with you understand and i was like it was like a warrior monk moment for him but in my mind i was like swag i uh maybe it could also be that i like psychosis like as a guy who trains in jujitsu for 12 hours a day me i'm i'm uh tackling all my problems there's nothing i'm running from i just you know that's what everybody does they train

like they're in the raza al ghul yeah uh to work it like you know k mark or whatever that's by the way he's he was like he was and again he's super talented guy i love working with danny guys i learned so much but i asked him you know i was like working on my sidekick my hips are really tight and uh and i was like not really just wasn't getting it and i got it a couple times but it fucking hurt to do it and he was like you know what i like to do man is i have a um i have a heavy bag in my backyard that i set up you should invest in one use some of that podcast money you were telling me about to do it i eat about an eighth of shrooms and I just work on one kick for seven hours I was like no I'm not no man that sounds like uh first of all um the last time I took shrooms I locked myself in a dark closet and covered myself in blankets and prayed and prayed and prayed that it'd be over

for about four or five hours and then that was just the peak and then after i just kind of cried a lot but i'm not going to kick a bag as hard as i can in my backyard which i don't have i live on the second story for six to seven hours higher it would be sick if you had a heavy bag on your balcony and you just like you only hit it when your neighbors are out. Right, yeah. But yeah, I was like, we got into this conversation a little bit, and he was like, you should go look at the video, man, of what Jordan Peterson says about bad trips. And I was like, yeah, 100%, man, I'll do that. And then like a week later, we're talking about it, and he was making fun of everybody for like sitting down in between rounds he was like you're all you're all a bunch of of nothings he's being funny but i think he's

like either permafride autistic or a combination of the two so no one could tell really like i knew that he was fucking around because he has this like sly little you know little like yeah it guy smile i don't know how else to describe it just like says a joke and it's like you know, little like IT guy smile. I don't know how else to describe it. Just like says a joke and is like, you know. And this guy sitting down was like, man, I'm tired. Like he took it. He was like, I'm fucking tired, dude. I've been sparring two and a half hours. I got to fucking fight.

You know, it was just like, and I was like, man, I just love, I fucking love different types of martial arts guys you meet. You have the guy who's like, yeah, man, I fight for $150 in parking lots. So, yeah, I'm going to sit my happy ass down. Thank you. You got guys like me, hobbyists, who've been doing it for a while but aren't very good and won't ever be good, but it's a good way to stay in shape. And you have guys like fucking this dude who are like, yeah,

they're really the secret to getting good at kicking grown men and their heads and bodies ate the shrooms three times a week and then just fucking smack a bag as hard as you can focusing uh and you know each how are any of that man's joints intact whatsoever i don't know because he's like a tall guy too. So I don't know. He's got a lot of great insight to the sport, but he's just – there's a certain type of guy that you encounter a lot at the gym I train at that's like very, very, very like hallucinogens, holistic. Like I've come to the conclusion that the male version of like crystals and like fucking spirit, language language heart, whatever the fuck is like Brazilian jujitsu and like doing mushrooms and like at least at the gym. I met because all that's a lot of those guys where they're like, yeah, like I was rolling with a guy the other day.

It's like it's a certain percentage of the population at this point. I feel like not like a large one, but it's a load. Yeah, it's like a it's a certain percentage of the population at this point, I feel like. Not like a large one, but it's definitely a, yeah. It's like a, it's like a call of duty loadout for sure. There's enough of them

to where it's a certain, it's an archetype of a type of man. But I was rolling with, I don't do Jiu Jitsu a lot because of my shoulder, but I was rolling with this guy the other day

and the coach says something to us. They tell us, it's like going over the move or whatever. And he looks at me, he's my partner and he was like hey can you relay that back to me uh i wasn't paying attention i'm fucking just ate like

uh just took some mushroom tea before i came in here and i was like are you hiring mushrooms right now while we're strangling each other and he was like it's the only way to do it for me and i was like if i'm on mushrooms and i have a guy like he's got to be in a rear naked choke and he's just i like i'm like even if even if like sober i know that this is we're doing gym stuff right but like bro like if you're not going in there for grappling like if you're not on uh like bath salts you just really can't focus. You can't really use your full strength at all. You're not smoking angel dust and fucking hitting

on an 08 ball before you go crack pads for two and a half hours. Yeah, it's just that I also there's like a lot of like I like some of the Joe Rogan episodes.

I'm a big fan of the ones he does with old UFC fighters. But there's like a type of guy that like an acolyte of the dude and nothing wrong with it but it is just like when you encounter another human being like that they probably think that i'm fucking stupid and twitchy and weird and like fucking just like too high strung because that's how i talk to people and that's how i am and then i am in my head. I'm like, this guy is like, hey, what's up?

You want to wrestle? Do you like wrestling? I've been wrestling 38 years. I'm really good at it. Do you want to go eat acid after this in a parking lot of a Chili's? Like, I don't like the idea. Like, these guys. Do most of these guys compete yeah a lot of them do um a lot of that well a lot of them do like the grappling tournaments there's like fight

to win there's submission hunter there's a bunch of them that are in texas that are pretty well known and obviously there are plenty of guys there that are like high high level who i i'm not sure if they engage in that type of stuff but i do know that i've walked out in the parking lot before and there's like six dudes around a subaru outback fucking like hand wrap still on it's cold it's been fucking cold in texas this winter dude like little short shorts little rash guard just fucking like sharing a dutchie and i'm like after like two and a half hours of cardio and I'm like, I'm like, oh man, no, it's not for me. And they're like, you're fucking crazy, man. And I'm like, how the fuck are y'all doing this? Like, how the fuck do you go? And he's like,

some of these guys are lifting weights too. Like, how do you go and do like three hours of cardio and sparring and rolling and fucking whatever the fuck. And you're like, you know, it really hit the spot. Not a tall glass of water, not at some chicken and broccoli a fucking a dutchie to the face just a backwoods and like a little bit of mushrooms you know like in a parking lot in a dark parking lot was fucking 38 degrees outside mad respect i i can't do that type of shit but i respect i like how uh whenever wiz khalifa started doing jiu-jitsu he was like yeah i yeah i smoke before i go in and it helps me and interviewers would be like you do what like guys i smoke weed and i go do jiu-jitsu i smoke weed all day so yeah okay i mean you're like wow he's probably the first guy to do this yeah the first guy to ever smoke weed and then do uh like martial arts yeah yeah well it's i i do

think that there's like i mean i guess if you smoke weed a lot it doesn't affect like your your reaction time you know and like your understanding of like kinetic energy and where your body is blah blah blah yeah I'd get fucking destroyed dude I would be like I would just stand there with my hands up and I would get fucking tuned up like an old guitar like I wouldn't when I get stoned

I'd be arching my back dude I'd be fucking like begging for it you don't want to see me in Top Guard, trust me. No, no. I go out there and smoke a little bit of weed, and then I come out on the mats, and I'm just like, I'm in like downward dog with my ass in the air.

And it's like, are we rolling today or what? They haven't even, yeah. You just, from secondhand smoke, you just like start trying to kiss people. Yeah. Or like I'm clenched with them, and I'm like, oh, sorry, I smoked before I came here it's my bad you should start pretending that your vape is one of those like uh like thc vapes and be like

nah bro this is all i need well i think i've like it i'm really it's really nice like thank you for offering me weed but you know i uh i like don't smoke weed and i think that that for a certain and i've met people like this outside of the gym like just in in like at parties and shit or like bars or whatever no man i don't smoke they're like what the why i'm like well when i smoke i think about everything i've ever said to anybody and how fucked up it was, which, you know, in reality, not really. I think about,

you know, every person I've known and every mistake I've made. And then I think everyone's going to kill me and they, and they have plans to shoot me dead, stab me a whole bunch, fuck me a little, maybe. See,

you need a new excuse. Cause people are going to think there's something wrong with you. You just got to be like, ah, sorry. I get really gay when I have weed. And I know we're grappling and stuff and i don't want to like i just see you guys as friends you know that's all i ever want to see you as whatever

i smoke i just become sort of like a like a big time gay guy and yeah it's like a really big aphrodisiac for me so like if we smoke weed and then we grapple like i'm gonna try to fuck you i'm gonna try to just put your balls and penis in my mouth yeah and you have a cup on which makes it difficult for me to do that but that is why i don't smoke dude i i would never i would have to cancel my membership it's like it's like uh they would probably cancel it for you yeah that would be very easy to get taken care of like hey come cancel this man come you need to you do it anyway welcome to pendejo time y'all yeah welcome to the show welcome to Pendejo time, y'all. Yeah, welcome to the show. Welcome to the show. I hope y'all are excited because we've got a great episode for you today.

We've got a special guest, Mr. Gay Thomas. Gay Thomas, everybody. That's clapping noises. Yeah, we are. We're going to hit the dam. I'm not even doing the plugs But we're We're driving all across the state next week We're hitting the fucking Austin

We're hitting the fucking Houston We're seeing the sights We're seeing the sights We're seeing the sights of two cities that we're from We got people to meet And steep Meats to beat And

And we're walking the streets We will be Dude, I haven't been to Houston in so long Really? Yeah, I haven't been to houston so long really yeah i i've been to like the outskirts of houston yeah in the past maybe five years but i haven't been to houston itself since i was like a little kid there's it's just it's just the other side of the state like it's such a long drive yeah like i'm not i'm not driving like six hours on a whim you know no and it's not like people i grew up like 20 minutes outside of the city uh maybe 15 20 minutes

outside city um and then i moved to austin and there's this, like, people will be like, Austin sucks. Houston's actually the cool and weird city. And then there are people that are like, no, Houston is dirty and stinky. And Austin's like, and I'm like, hey, here's, both cities are kind of like ass. Like, both just kind of, like, when I go to Dallas, I'm like, cool, I'm in Dallas. I don't spend a lot of time here. I don't like hanging out in Dallas because I can't afford to hang out in Dallas. But I can't't afford to hang out in dallas but i

can't really i mean dallas is like i honestly haven't hung out in dallas that much i like arlington um that's that's so funny to be like hey i got a couple days off if you want to come hang out we're going to arlington uh we're just going to get an Airbnb in Arlington. Well, like Arlington is closer than Dallas and it's got cool stuff. No, I understand. It's like,

I can go there in 20 minutes and see something cool. Whereas like Dallas, it's like, Hey man, you want to deal with like half an hour of traffic. Right. And then like you, you,

you take I 30 far enough. And there's a certain, like, there's probably a certain exit where people just decide to start driving like fucking lunatics. Yeah. Not that people drive well in any part of Texas, honestly. Right. But, like, it'll be like, oh, I just need to get two lanes over to exit.

Oh, I've got 12 miles? Yeah, I'd better fucking try and start now because uh the one got no shot the one thing i don't like the one thing i don't like about houston and dallas is whenever i used to go to dallas a lot to hang out with my old roommates that had a family out there same problem in houston if i'm downtown and there's like 55 downtown like if we're bar hopping okay and i'll be bar hopping off like in midtown and Houston or fucking, you know, Westheimer or Montreux or whatever the fuck. And a buddy of mine be like,

Hey, I'm downtown too. I'm like, where? And he was like, Oh, I'm over for the river Oaks area. Or I'm in Austin.

There's like one downtown and everything is like a three to five minute walk. It's like, I am bar hop. I'm not getting in a car to drive 16 to drive 25 minutes to another bar that sucks. Like, it's just like, I have no, that's why I'm like, you know, like, all of my friends that are in Houston have, like, 500 DUIs. And it's like, yeah, you know, we were bar hopping and, you know, next bar I went to was 30 minutes down the road.

I'm like, no, fuck you. I'm not going to fucking do that. Dallas, same thing. Yeah, you're, like, sober by the time you get there. Yeah, well, and in jail, too. Which, jail's, you know. That's one thing I did like about New York. same thing yeah you're like sober by the time you get there yeah well and in jail too which jails you know that's one thing i did like about new york um is that it seemed like you could be a complete alcoholic very functionally there my buddy cameron the guy that did the porky shirts

he moved there he's sober and i asked him like is it harder to stay sober in new york or else he's like new york is like infinitely harder because it's like in Austin. If you want to go like hang out on the river and like do a kayak or fucking kayaking or like slack rope or whatever the fuck you can do that. You don't have to drink. People do. But in New York, it's like every 10 feet, there's bar, bar, liquor store, bar, liquor store, bar, liquor store. And then like everybody does heroin. He plays drums in the music scene there.

And he's like, I've met people who are just like yeah man i'm gonna go shoot up in the bathroom right quick and then we can get this going and he's like you're gonna go what he's like yeah i gotta tie one off i'm gonna get sick it's like oh okay hey i'm gonna leave like i'm not like first of all i don't even smoke cigarettes second of all like you know i'm not trying to do heroin or whatever or even be around people who are doing heroin but i like new york for the same like it's just you know it's easy access to shit but it seems like a daycare for adult alcoholics austin same way yeah like uh not that there's nothing else to do in new york by any means but like there's subways everywhere and like you're never the most insane drunk person on a

street all of my friends i can imagine that moved there after high school i have a couple friends moved there to high school and i have a handful of friends that moved there to do stand-up or music or whatever and my favorite thing about people i know who've lived in new york longer than like five years or whatever coming up on a, is that I'll talk to them once a month. Hey, man, how's the city? And they're like, it stinks. I almost got stabbed. The subway, you know, there's just like a pool of human shit and piss.

A guy was jacking off on the train. My girlfriend got scared. Somebody tried to throw her on the tracks. There was a big green monster on the subway the other day. Like just the most terrifying underworldly shit. And then they'll follow that up with being like best city in the world by the way i love it and i'm like no you can't just be like yeah there was a demon on the train uh and there was a i can count it a big wormhole on the way to the bodega uh and there was a mass shooting uh i love living here you know i like i think. It is kind of sick there, honestly.

I mean, I guess if you get desensitized to that stuff. I did enjoy visiting, but I could see it like being a difficult place to live in terms of just like mental health, if that makes sense. Like here in the cities, there's still like a lot of trees and stuff. For sure. Texas is pretty good about incorporating... You see green when you go places. Every now and then, yeah. New York, it was almost like a jungle, but just with concrete. Yeah, I don't know if anybody's ever said that.

Right, no, it was like... It's like a concrete jungle where dreams are made of. Yeah, exactly. But it's also like there's nothing you can't do there. Nothing you can't do, yeah. And then, you know what? You know what they say? Now you're in New York, baby.

Yeah. Rihanna. Rihanna, I think. Yeah. Who gives a shit, man? Who fucking gives a shit? Oh, God. I'll gives a shit, man? Who fucking gives a shit? Oh, God. I'll tell you what, man.

Life is crazy. I just had... This 10-year-old boy made me one of the best burritos I've ever had in my life. You know a place... There was a kolache joint around the corner from my house. And I gauge kolache joints by if they have a child slave working the cash register. If there's an 8- to 10-year-old,

just like boy or girl or whatever, and they're just like, you know, just like, $25. Like, okay, this place is going to smack. There's just no way. And you don't know if they belong in like a parental or grandparent way to the older couple that's in the kitchen. They could be related, but you also like. Either way, it's none of your business.

It's none of my business at all. You're just a good customer. You're not going to tell CPS about that. I don't know. Like, child labor laws are obviously real in the States. Whoa. But. Mr. Child Labor labor preventer over here no i'm not trying to prevent shit a lot of these kids have great jobs better jobs than me i would like

to think they're making like 125 000 just fuck you got like an audi r8 out front i would i'd like the the kolache joint was like also uh stuck next to a liquor store. And it was owned by the same family. And every now and then they would send... If they ran out of bottles of water, they would send the kid... I'd be in there eating a kolache and drinking my fucking orange juice. They would send the kid over to the liquor store to come back with jugs of water or whatever. And I was like, this is a sick life. I don't think it's going to work out for you, little buddy.

But if you can compartmentalize this life you're living you could become like a painter you know or a murder if i can just build on the hustle yeah yeah yeah yeah for sure no doubt you you combine that whatever trauma there, with the business sense that you're granted from dealing with, you know. I don't know if there's really that many shady people who go buy kolaches. No, but I imagine that like being like nine or ten years old and, you know, it's like. And learning how to work and provide for your family. The value of a fucking goddamn dollar dealer um i think i mean obviously like the obvious explanation is is that this kid

speaks english because they were probably born here and you know and i know for a fact i used to go to a chinese restaurant in pasadena fucking amazing food and the kid that was up front was like mongolian beef and i'm like yeah he's like all right 9 50 whatever and then the kid would turn his head and be like don't you know do the fucking fucking thing like scream and then like the dad or mom would be like you know whatever the fuck and uh and that's how that worked i'm assuming that like learned knowing english is you know a hot commodity for these children and And me, I'm mocking it. You know what I was doing at nine?

I was drinking a wine cooler. My dad gave me a big cup of wine cooler and was like, have this. It's 8.52 right now. No, nine, very clever, Thomas. Very funny. You know what I was doing at nine? I was reading insanely complicated books. I was learning all about spelling bees and different shapes.

And I was training to become one of the greatest writers of this generation. Did you ever do the spelling bee? Yeah. Were you good at it? Yeah. I was pretty good at it. I went to, I went to, your book went to regionals, all right, in Texas. Yeah, I went to regionals.

And I think actually, oh no, this was my downfall. I remember this. I think I won district. Yeah. And then I blanked in regionals. I spelled phylum wrong. I spelled follicle wrong. I fucked up follicle, dude.

You fucked up follicle? I fucked up follicle. My brain didn't register phylum as a word. I didn't know the word. And I spelled it F-I-L-E-M. Because I didn't know it was Latin. Yeah, I went double L on follicle, I think, instead of single L. Follicle has two L's.

Or the other way around then. Right. But, yeah, I think I was second place. Well, follicle has three L's. Oh, we have fun. Oh, we have fun on this show. We have fun on this show. Yeah, dude, I remember thinking,

I guess because of the nature of being, like childhood or whatever when I was that young, 10 or 11, I was like, I'm going to go to regionals and I'm going to win my family $50 million. I had this very, I don't even think there was a cash prize. It was at some school in Houston. We had to pay to park there. i didn't pay to watch me lose but like i was like i was like

no cameras like this wasn't like you know fucking khalia and the b or whatever the fuck that movie was you know it's this is not like the national spelling bee where there is like money right it's just like in an old elementary school on the wrong side of houston and i was like i'm gonna win this i'm gonna get my mom a car like i'm gonna put my mama in a house i'm gonna put my mom on a it's gonna be like that movie with the black guy yeah yeah where it's like she's a bee or something yeah the b movie no i there was a there was a movie about yeah lee kalia something in the b that's what it was. He did, like... Oh, is that it?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I remember she was having a hard... The guy was making her spell with a dog barking in the background. Yeah, he was doing, like... He was like, it's gonna make you strong, bro. If you can't spell with a pit bull barking up your ass, you can't spell nothing, bitch. Like, Dev grew training, like,

spell hamster. It's just like, gah, gah, gah, gah, gah, gah. Starring Cat Williams. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm gonna need your old motherfucking, I'm gonna need you to spell this motherfucking word. I'm gonna need you, hey,

you ever be spelling, like, you think you're gonna take this white little money? Spell lictitious, bitch. Spell fucking litigation. Spell entomotropia. gonna take this white white lictitious bitch spell fucking litigation spell that's not a word it's a fucking word nah it's a word bitch it's a word dude that video of him getting choked out by the eighth grader is just one of the it's just i never saw the video it is it's awesome I really implore you and anybody listening at home right now

to go watch that video if you haven't seen it. He's like 5'4", isn't he? Yeah. Well, I thought it was just a guy. I thought for a long time, like a year, I won't say a long time, that it was like an internet thing where it's like, no, this guy kind of looks like Cat Williams because it is a grainy video. But then it came out that it was legitimately him,

and I had like so many questions i i don't know if he's ever fully addressed the story but i'm like first of all how do you i wouldn't call cat williams an a-lister but he is a legacy comedian okay like how do you end up in a fistfight for like that's not uncommon to end up in a fistfight as a comic it's pretty common i would say i feel like it's pretty common for cat williams specifically right yes but how do you end up in a fistfight when what looks like it doesn't show a playground but they look like they're on like a where kids who are 13 go to meet up to fight like a baseball field it looks like and he's fighting a child or what looks to be like you know a 14 15 year old kid i'm like like were you

beefing like so was it confirmed that it was a kid yeah i think it was confirmed that he was he was like i think it was he was like 14 or 15 years old i mean you could also grown man you can hear the voices like on the video and there are clearly some kids who are like get his ass you know like this is like it's not like the kid was clearly like he was he was a big fat kind of big boy you know it's confirmed to be cat williams yeah it's cat williams he got fucking choked out by a by a fucking happens i can't comment on it because it might happen to me someday that would be so funny if you were like hey i have to cancel the show i got into a fight i'm at the hospital and i'm like

oh fuck me what happened you're like don't you, it's not important. Yeah, you don't have to tell anybody. Yeah, but I was hanging out at Fort Worth and, you know, just hanging around around the town. And had some choice words for a ninth grader. And he whooped me decent. He put it on me. In ninth grade, a lot of kids get tall that year. Yeah, you know, and a lot of kids, a lot of kids get really strong you know and they get really they kind of fill out and uh but i wish you guys could see the fucking face thomas is giving me

jim from office face uh yeah yeah i think uh i think there's a certain honor In getting whooped by a 14 year old Yeah I mean like Because you know what That means at least you tried At least you tried to beat up a 14 year old Right Most people don't have the balls

To beat up a kid anymore Right Like not a kid kid I mean like a High schooler Right yeah Right. Like not a kid kid. I mean like a high schooler. Right, yeah. There's a kid. I actually had, I think I've told this story on the pod before, but this was my senior year of high school, I think.

So this isn't as embarrassing. Oh, this was my senior year of high school, I think. So this isn't as embarrassing. But I was in my car, and somebody rolled the window down and was like, you want to fight? And I was like, okay. And so I was pulling into the next parking lot, and they did too. And then I walked over to their car.

This wasn't, neither of us was was yelling there was nothing prior to this it was literally a guy rolled down his window and asked me if i wanted to fight him and i had nothing going on that afternoon so i said yes that was it there is no backstory i wasn't having a bad day i didn't have very long to decide it was just a red light and it was a very calm interaction it's just hey you you want to fight sure let's go to bronx you know yeah anyway so i walked over to the car and there were four guys in it yeah but all like it was a rare situation because i just agreed to a fist fight and I was standing,

you know, they didn't just all get out of the car. I just walked up to the car and that there were just four guys sitting in it, like two in the backseat, two in the front. Yeah. But none of them seemed intimidating at all. Like they weren't all tiny guys or whatever

but they were just like four regular ass dudes it seemed like um one of them was like a little bit bigger but not like a yeah yeah you know not like a scary way yeah and uh they seemed maybe a little bit younger than me okay you know that, you know, that wasn't going to deter me. No, yeah. So I was like, well, who wants to go first? Just fucking, I don't know. Yeah, right. No, I just kind of, this seemed like a side quest for me. Yeah.

You know, it seemed like one of those situations you just, like, dream about. Right. When you're, like're walking through parking lots. You're like, what if I got to fight four guys here? Yeah. Anyway, the guy who was driving was like, hey, man, I was just kind of fucking with you. I was like, oh, really? He was like, yeah, I just kind of thought it would be funny. I was like, really and he was like yeah like I just like

I just kind of thought it would be funny you know and I was like yeah it's fine I mean I just you know

kind of said yeah cause it seemed like it would be kind of you know figured you know and he was like

do you fight like do you do this often and I was like no I've never done this before he was like have you fought before I was like a little bit not like

anything crazy you know but not like all I'm gonna do is go up and jack off yeah man like we all go to Weatherford you know and I was like oh cool I go to Peacemaker I was like what grade are you guys in we're all freshmen i was like oh cool i'll go to peter he was like well i was like what grade are you

guys in they're like we're we're all freshmen i'm like nice well that that kind of explains this scenario pretty well and also makes me look pretty uh pretty fucking retarded here it's pretty bad yeah i was so excited to fight four 15 yearyear-olds in the Bronx parking lot. Yeah, yeah. I wanted to so bad, dude. I still want to – I know we're all grown men at this point. I still want to go back to Bronx and just – because I feel like they would respect it and not all fight me at the same time. Yeah.

I was banking on that, and I just looking at them, trusted them to not all fight me at once. Right. Because if they all fight me at once. Right. Because if they all fight me at once, I'm going to lose. That's just how four-on-ones work. Right, right. I might get like a – the guys who win four-on-ones are like 6'7", 500 pounds, like just bears.

Yeah, it's like a Rampage Jackson. That's not how being a normal guy works. Yeah, and there's a Kimbo sliced. Yeah, yeah. And then you hurt really bad then you wake up later like yeah exactly that's how it would have gone even with four 15 year olds yeah probably maybe i get one ko and then then i don't really remember the rest right yeah there was a time it was like i told like getting jumped on the show before there was

another time that um it was me and all the guys like all of the roommates we went out and uh i guess everybody had their own typical response to what played out this charger we had the right we were walking crossing the block and this charger fucking whips around and almost takes me out dude it takes me out and uh he fucking rolls down his window and you know he's like, watch where you're going. He's talking shit, and I'm like, dude, I got a fucking little walking motherfucker. I got the little white fucking walking guy.

I'm fucking good. You're fucking up. We're talking shit, and my roommate Edgar is like, get out the fucking car then. You know, man, Edgar. And there's like super tinted windows in this Charger. I just thought it was this one motherfucker and like six dudes get out of the charger and i was like oh god because it's just you two no it was like all of the it would we had like six guys living in the house at the one time

but here's the fucking thing let me break down the fucking let me break down our team let me break down our squad these six guys here these six guys coming out of the charger were shit fucking hammered all pretty decently sized dudes about my size not fucking crazy but six foot whatever and uh let me break down they were all ready to go fucking shithouse drunk and so are we break down we got me who fuck it i'll fight if i'm gonna get hit by a car and there's already cops down the road and i'll go fuck it i'll fight if i'm gonna get hit by a car and there's already cops down the road and i'll go fuck it i'll fight you whatever egger's a hothead so he'll fight then you got rich gay zach rich gay zach the whole time somebody is charging at him with his fists up

zach is threatening to sue him into oblivion on my mother's fucking life he's like if you fucking touch me it's done for you your whole fucking life I'll take that fucking car. It worked. The guy kind of just was like pumping at him a little bit But he was like, hey man, you know you do anything to me. It's done My fucking godfather's a da dallas. It's curtains for your ass And it worked. I don't know how because he was he was just matter of fact He was like i'm not to fight you here, man. If you hit me, I might hit you back, but I'll see you in court.

The guy was like, oh, you're a pussy. And Zach was like, I don't give a fuck. Our other friend Sam is hiding. Sam's a big boy, not fat. He's bulky. He works out a lot. He's hiding behind a tree that the city just installed. It is maybe like a step like a tree that the city just installed it is maybe like a like like a

step above a sapling like i don't know what the tree terms but he's behind it and he's like guys stop like god like god so you got we got we got me ed rich gay zach sam and then we got frankie you met frankie too frankie's frankie will fight but frankie is a very he's got these weird like um verbal threats that are very creative and very like like a guy like we all by the way they their group kind of pick their man edgar's trading blows to this dude on the side of the road me i'm kind of just like hands up like i'm just slapping the guy i'm just kind of like parrying the dude's hands away and like yeah i pump with the jab and i'm like hey dude i don't want to fight like why the fuck are we fighting you almost hit me like i'm trying to like a combination of fist fight this guy and talk our way out and you know sam's doing his thing zach's fucking

threatened to sue this other guy frankie's standing across from a dude who i'm not kidding is about six three frank's like five seven. The dude's got his hands up. Frank's just got one finger pointed at him. And he's like, I will fucking, if I get a fucking hole in you, dude, I'm going to pull your eyeball out and I'm going to fuck your fucking head. You think I'm fucking playing with you, dude? I'm going to pull your fucking bottom jaw off. I will fuck your fucking face. I will curb.

If you fucking, come on, let's go. Why? And the dude, the dude's big. The dude's got like eight inches on Frank and kind of fat, chubby, little bays and that, you know. But the guy is like, oh, yeah, push it, let's go. But he's backing up towards the car. And Frank's walking him down with like the stepdad brow beating finger out, like caught you fucking smoking weed. And he's like, yeah, the old red foreman.

And he's like, I don't understand why you're backing up. Yeah, the old red foreman. Yeah, the old red foreman. And he's like, I don't understand why you're backing up. I mean, I kind of do because if you fucking hit me, I'm going to pull your fucking teeth out of your fucking head and fuck you in the mouth. Like, just very, like, vulgar and intense. And the whole time, like, I'm just like, where are the police?

I don't want them to get here because we're all going to go to jail. But this whole thing took over, it's not a long time, but two minutes to have a fight in the middle of the street in the middle of downtown austin on like 7th or 8th street is a long fucking time and uh like i see like three blocks down red and blues i guess i saw us in the distance like they light up and these guys hop in their charger and they dip uh they paid the people off they're like flicking us out of the window i'm like oh fuck dude they're gonna get away we're gonna get in trouble because austin police if they get a hold of you and they saw something happen it doesn't really matter who was in the wrong you're

gonna go to jail and uh the cop like pulls up on us and egger's fucking drunk he's got like a like a like a well you got a guy stuck him pretty good you know it's clear he's been in a fist fight egger's a dark Hispanic man. He's like, I'm going to talk to this fucking pig. I'm going to explain it to him. And I just put my hand on his chest and was like, hey, no, man, I'm pretty sober right now. I'm going to do the talking to the cop. He was like, why you?

And I'm like, well, I'm sober, and I'm the whitest motherfucker in this group. And he was like, yeah, you're right. And he just took off. He just, like, took off down the road that way. The cop pulls up, and he was like, what the fuck just happened here? And I was like, this guy almost hit me. They took off down that way. He's like, yeah, I got a guy down the road.

I'm already going to light him up because they're fucking, you know, he took off, ran a couple stop signs. What happened? And I'm, like, explaining. I'm like, look, man, the guy almost clipped me. I don't want to get into a fight, man. I don't want to go to jail. And it was one of those rare moments where the cop was like, yeah.

He was like, I didn't ask him, but I was like, did you watch this whole thing? Like, what if those guys had pulled the heater out? Like, were you just like, damn, this is a pretty good six on six type. Like, just in the cruiser, just like, oh, this is not bad. He was like, all right. Well, y'all are going home, right? And I'm like, yeah. And he was like, all right, well, well, y'all are going home, right? And I'm like, yeah. And he was like,

all right, we'll be safe. And then just like, and I'm like, I'm like, okay, like, like,

all right. And then like Frank's there. And the whole walk on the way home, by the way, the fight's over. We're all kind of decompressing, you know, like,

you know, adrenaline rush. Yeah. Adrenaline, adrenaline is dying dying sam was like that was that was scary y'all and fucking zach's like you know whatever he like pops his annex keeps walking fucking edgar's like god damn i hope i see the motherfucker again you know and i'm like ah whatever you know fight to fight frankie is in like the blast of the group and

i hear him under his breath he's like i would have fucked him in the mouth, dude. I would have fucking, I would have just, I would have, I would have fucking pulled his neck out, dude. I just, I can't. I'm like, Frank, dog, let it go. And he's like, I just, I don't, you know, I know I'm a small guy, man,

but I gotta, I gotta do what I gotta do. And then, you know, you're a fucking bigger guy and you're trying to fight me. I'm gonna fucking gouge your fucking eyeballs out, dude. I'm gonna pull on your fucking orbital bone. You understand me? I don't think you're fucking following me, Jake.

That guy was a big dude. Okay. And I'm small. I i don't think you're fucking following me jake that guy was a big dude okay and i'm small i understand that but you gotta fucking compensate like he's breaking it down he's like he's like i was fully prepared man i was fully prepared to pull his fucking tongue out of his head dude just shoved my fucking fist down his throat like i'm like swag dude uh we're just gonna go home and do some coke and watch some action movies like we don't this is done like me, I don't have a lot of, like, in the fights that I've been in, like, in the moment, I'm like, I'm in the fight. And then when the fight's done, I kind of just return to baseline pretty quick. I don't know if it's because I spar a lot or whatever.

Like, I don't have the, like, and I'm trying to sound like a hard ass because I get my ass beat quite fucking often. But it is, like, you do kind of, you know, you get adjusted. Your get adjusted your mind has like a process right right you're like i'm getting hit it fucking hurts whatever you know and uh and like you know but i'm just like hey man the fight's done dog we're gonna go home pop some fucking pills watch john wick one you know it's chill and we get in the uber because nobody could drive and uh like it's just the whole way home we get to the house we get to the fucking house just saying like i was at one point i was like hey frank if you don't stop talking about raping this guy in the street and like pulling

his bottom jaw off like an ape like i'm just gonna tell you to go to your room because i don't care anymore we should have gone to jail all of us all six of us that could have been an easy sweep for this dude but i don't know if he just was about to get off work or if he saw it and was like oh we're gonna get them boys in the charger y'all y'all fucking get home safe or for whatever reason like we should have all just gone to jail like without a doubt like we all got drugs on us like we're all you know for the most part most of us are fucked up or whatever but it was just to this day like somebody will bring that story up and Frankie I guess you know the story he was fucked up so the story's been relayed to him and he was like did I really tell that guy I was gonna shove my fist down his throat pull his tongue out and shit I'm like yeah I think you

said you're gonna skull fuck him too and he was like oh man yeah i can't be you know but but here's the thing man is it worked and i think there is something to be said about like hey i like that edgar was the only one who like didn't try a charisma role of any type yeah you know he's just like all right this is there's no way to change this we both will this will be a fight to the death yeah Yeah, very charismatic guy, very well spoken. But Edgar, this was at a time when I watched Edgar. Edgar accidentally punched me in my mouth at a fight. In a bar fight, because

he had had some beef with some dude at a bar over girls years and years and years ago. We were probably fucking 20 years old. And the dude was there, and I'm sitting across from Edgar. We're sitting, you know. And he's smoking a cigarette. And he's like, the guy, like, we could see that the dude's getting his.

We were on the patio, outside patio. We see the guy's getting his ID checked. He's like, hey, I'm going to go up and stick that guy as hard as I fucking can. All right? And before I could even be like, why? Because I didn't understand contextually what was going on at the time. He just got up, went out the back gate, walked up to the dude, and just fucking molly whopped him.

And they're fighting now in front of the bar. His friends come out. One of them's got a pool stick. And at that point I saw it. I was like, God fucking damn it. Now I'm involved. And I come out of the bar. And the guy with the pool sticks, not even, dude, I was kind of,

I was glad he wasn't hitting Edgar hard with it. But he was just kind of tapping Ed with it. It was, I don't know if he wanted to commit to the full, I don't know if he didn't want to commit to like, like assault with a deadly weapon, but it was just kind of like a, hey, not like a cat that's got a hold of like a fucking piece of chocolate or something. You're just like, no, you know, stop. And anyway, in the scramble of Ed fighting this dude, I go up. It was kind of like a Jackie Chan movie. I go up to one of the guys that's about to, one of the other dude's friends is about to bum rush Ed. And I just grab him and kind of lock him up, kind of like a full Nelson or whatever.

And I shove my head in the back of his head. And I was like, we're not doing this. Just let him figure it out. And Ed saw that, turned around from the guy he was fighting, was like, oh, you want some too, motherfucker? And just goes to stick the dude, and the guy moved his head, and the head just fucking clips me. Bink. Like, just, like, the guy kind of, like, ducked, you know,

and, like, my head came up when he ducked because I have his arms. He just punched me right in my face, and I was like, I looked at him, and I was like, what are we doing? We're five minutes from the house, man. And he was like, oh, fuck. Yeah. Like, they like push and shove and shit. The bartender kicks us all out or whatever. But on the way home, I was like, I'm not mad at you for punching me.

But you did. He was like, well, why were you in the way? And I was like, I'm trying to stop you from getting jumped. Like, it's not, you know. He was like, oh, well, well you know water under the bridge and i'm like i suppose like i guess you know i guess so shout out to my just punch your friends in the face like honestly i've that i tried to i drunkenly tried to like suplex edgar on our on our hard pile in our house and he like horse danced it and i like lifted him up a little bit fell backwards

and put a like a looney tunes jake shaped hole in the sheet rock like just my whole the whole back of my body in the top of my head it was cartoonishly accurate to my body shape just a rectangle kind of and then just a big ass hole you know like where my head hit and he was like i fucking he was just like goddamn man you're gonna pay for that and i have to pay for that. And I'm like, yeah, all right. We'll figure it out. You know, sometimes you try to suplex your friends. They punch you in the mouth. You know, shit happens.

Shit happens when you're a guy. When you're a rowdy little boy. And you got shit going on, you know. Any of y'all rowdy? Any of y'all throw it back for a real. For a real. We got any rowdy boys listening? Any rowdy boys that like to throw it. Clap it back on a real motherfucker mother we got any rowdy boys listening rowdy boys would like to throw it clap it back on a real motherfucker you got it maybe maybe some you know maybe i'll throw it

back on each other you know like going up to a guy at the gym tomorrow and be like hey do you want to throw it back a little bit sparring would you like to like throw it back on me a little bit and i can you know yeah you can't wear like whirl it around on me you want to whirl it around on me do you want to get on top don't phrase it like a jiu-jitsu like hey you can start from mount it's like hey do you want to get on top i was wondering if you wanted to like crush me yeah i was i was i was wondering because i was wondering if it's like we could start spread eagle like we can we can start reverse cowgirl if you want. Just use terms.

Obviously, guard is like whatever. This is like missionaries. We can start reverse. You need a new – you're trading off partners. Hey, I need to be mounted right now. Yeah, yeah. I'm kind of working on my bottom escapes, and I need you to mount me. I need to be mounted by you.

Yeah, I need my face pressed against the floor. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Can you get my back? Can you mount me uh i need to be mounted by you yeah i need my face pressed against the floor yeah yeah yeah can you get my back uh can you can you mount me from the back uh and then kind of like you know um kind of dig your hips in a lot like in a deep i haven't paid for a class by the way but yeah but i don't train here uh i've been told to leave a lot. I'm not going to lie to you. But I really need to be mounted. We could start. What's it called? It's not side control. It's like doggy style. I think we just get a little bit of like an arch going, and then you can just, you know.

Being gay is so funny to me. Yeah, dude. It's really funny. Not. It's really serious, dude. It's serious as fuck. Being gay is probably the most serious thing you can do. Yeah, you know, it's probably the straightest thing a guy can do, to be completely honest with you.

I'm sitting here sweating, and I don't know why. Yeah, dude, you're really sweaty. Yeah, I'm super sweaty, bro. You see how swollen my face is? What happened? Was it the... No, I started this allergy treatment program. Oh, yeah?

That's why I was at the doctor yesterday. Oh, that's right. Yeah, you told me that the doctor was like, so everything you do basically makes you sick. Yeah, he was like, well, the bad news is, you know, you're allergic to everything outside. The other bad news is you're allergic to everything inside. So, you know, you're just not going to have a very good life, probably.

It's funny that you have the sort of quintessential, like, hard labor job. But as far as you know now, like, genetically, like, the allergic reaction of, like, a very sort of sickly you know yeah he was like you ever just like feel bad you know like well yeah you normally do yeah he's like no no you don't yeah he's like you have trouble like breathing and stuff i'm like always yeah yeah 100 usually like yeah you're not really supposed to. You're not, like, you're supposed to just be able to breathe. Right, right. I'm like, no.

Well, like, some people are like that. Like, some people are super into, like, breathing and, like, not, like, always having sinus infections and just mysterious, like, medieval times illnesses. Yeah, like, disinfec- Me, like, I get into into that stuff i get whooping cough i get fucking yeah that was i get yellow fever yeah hey i get hay fever i get spanish flu i get the plague yeah black plague i get plague of justinian i get all the plagues yeah i'm like can you guys do a black plague vaccine for me this time walgreens guy is like please stop coming

here please stop we don't i forgot to grab my EpiPen. I was supposed to pick it up today. You got it. It'll be all right. That was at a gastroenterologist. I'm not on top of things, Jake. Me neither. Me neither.

And there are penalties for the things that I should be, the things that I should like actually work on and do. Yeah, man, let's talk about you now. Yeah, I was going to say that that time i was at that gastroenterologist i was like you know how like when you eat like anything you like

you almost poop your pants she was like uh no it usually takes sometimes eat like you know three to five sometimes seven to eight hours for food to digest and i'm like oh no no no i'm talking about when you eat like a hamburger or something. And then like as you finish the last bite, your stomach sort of fills up with like a like a monkey, like a Siamang's Guler sack with like poop. She was like, it's just, you know, that's like it's like a sickness. And I was like, no, everybody's like that. No. I they gave me some medicine that was like a paralytic for my intestine and it worked really really good but i lost it uh what's a paralytic it like it literally like like uh so apparently

my stomach i eat something and it just literally like just like cartoonishly is like straight to the asshole like that. Just, you know, done. And this like slows down like my stomach from processing food. Like it slows down the whole it like like makes my stomach. So you process things too fast. I assumed it just wasn't as processed as it should be. No, no, you're right. Like I don't like I it doesn't. It's okay. So that's what I gives it time to properly break down right like the food like you're not just shooting like

entire pizza crust yeah yeah or just yeah yeah yeah um because it like fucks with your gut biome and you get dehydrated to get you whatever dude gut biome is so important dude dude i was a doctor was like uh explaining to me what that was. I was like, you're telling me I got like little trees and shit in my stomach or whatever. Like I'm an idiot. And she was like, well, yeah, kind of like little flora and fauna. And I was like, like little animals and shit. And she's like, yeah.

Oh, no, I'm not talking to her like a fucking. Whose line is this? Are you saying there's something alive in my belly? Are you saying there's a little monkey in there and he eats all my food for me? He eats bananas from my poop belly. He's like a little... Are you telling me there's bugs in there? Yeah, I don't really know how the gut biome works.

I just wanted to say something that seemed like I knew about it. So I said the gut biome works i just wanted to say something that seemed like i knew about it so i said i love doing that it's really important i love being in like a circle of people and somebody's like somebody who's actually smart is like yeah you know i i just finished my master's in like you know biochemical engineering and i'm like yeah biochemical engineering you know and they're like like yeah i love that stuff i love bio, but second to bio, chemical. But above those two things, got to go engineering. Yeah, there's just really something special about the economy right now. Right, yeah.

And we all know what it is and what's going on. 100%. And there's really no need for me to even state one fact about it. But one thing I do think about inflation is that while it is bad, there are so many things about it, you know. And it can really open doors to the economy. Yeah, I think people underestimate the power of like you know money is important and a lot of people use it yeah i would say like like 20 of people use money this is how you talk to like new co-workers dude money goes hard no it for for real, it does. I'm not kidding, man.

Obviously, we're... But whenever I would go hang out with Frank, back in the day, he started at this company. It's one of the premier tech sales. They pay too much. Nobody really does any work type deal. But they would throw these fucking bangers of parties. And we would introduce us to some of his co-workers and i'm not kidding dude it was like maybe maybe a quarter step above that

like they we went to their like they're like uh you know like uh it was like a rooftop thing for their sales kickoff and frank was like hey i can invite like two people and me and another one of the roommates went and i met all his co-workers. This was way, way back in the day. And I'm sitting across this guy and he's like, yeah, you know, so profit, you know, when your profit rises. And so that requires, you know, like a constriction of the supply and sort of the demand chain, the dichotomy of those things. And money goes into the system this guy makes like a quarter million dollars a year you know maybe somewhere around

there and he like does sales all day he's like and you get money and money has a velocity and that's called the velocity of money and the money that you get is ten dollars and but when you buy something that costs nine dollars they get nine and then you get is $10. But when you buy something that costs $9, they get $9, and then you get the $1. I'm sitting there like... Most of the guys I work with are like... I'm used to meeting new coworkers or whatever and having to make conversation to like make them you know

not be just having awkward silences and earlier today i was hanging out with i was uh i was at work and i was working with this guy he's like one of my best friends like since high school like one of my best friends since high school. And I caught myself like mid-sentence because a Miata drove by, and I was like, man, that thing is sick. And then right after that, I was like, that was a regular Miata. You see them pretty often. I think I just tried to like make make you more comfortable like have a personality

for a second yeah like we've been like good friends for like seven years yeah and I just talked to you like like I was trying

to remember your name right yeah I'll do that like I do that with people I know pretty well it's just like there's no reason

it's like yeah you know the elevator went out at my apartment complex you know they should work on that and a guy i've known for like 10 years back hey why the fuck dude like we don't have to like talk right now almost all my conversations are just like yeah i really hope the uh i hope the weather gets good. Having good weather, I love it. Yeah. And, dude, cars are good. I love cars.

And, dude, I'd love to have a good car someday. A fast, cool car. You know what I like? Houses. It would be so cool to buy a house. But money? But money is... Money is hard hard but money's good to have yeah but you work you get money and it's good and that's a good thing to have good money you're

talking like frito from idiocracy like dax shepherd's character is like yeah you know i have uh sometimes i get hungry i don't know if you do um but when i get hungry like i have to eat but there's just weird things that happens when I eat is that my belly will get full. And then sometime later, depending on the food, I have to go poo-poo. I have to go take a dookie. Sometimes a big one. I think I do it more when I'm tired. Yeah.

Because I don't pick up on when like if i'm well rested i'm i don't talk as much i think but when i'm tired i'm like i am too lazy to figure out whether there's supposed to be silence in this situation so i'm just gonna say Like, right, dude, I was looking at hawks on the internet. So many kinds, but like there was no conversation before that. And it's like, what, what the fuck are they supposed to say? What are you doing? I'm just like, here's my thing is, is that I don't know what to choose between because I'm really bad at small talk and like, like empty conversation talk.

I'm not good at it like at all and so I sometimes I choose not to do it but my brain's like um like the second option is to just walk away from people when they're talking to me I do it all the time like I've gotten a little bit better about it because like Ashley pointed out to me and I'm like ah you're my girlfriend I gotta listen to you but like my friends for years would be like, hey, so I was telling you something. And you like looked me in my eyes and kind of did not. And then like walked away. Like what happened with that?

And I was like, I don't like it's not that I'm trying to be rude. It's just my brain is, you know, is like I'm I don't I'm done with like i ah fuck you know like i have you know i can't hold i can't it's not i don't the attention span it was like yeah i'm bad about like if it's out of like this word is i i've started saying function when I talk about just parties. I think it's just because I don't go to actual parties. Yeah. A social function. Gathering, a soiree, a fucking carnival.

Yeah. When I go to leave, unless it's like... If it's at like a restaurant or a bar or something. I'm used to just leaving. You just Irish goodbye. I had never even thought about it. Like how I do that.

Yeah. But. Like it's just like okay I've said hi to everybody. And I have a different place where I need to be. And it's not here. Right. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. I had never considered the step like. oh, you can say goodbye to everyone. Right. I'm used to just like, well, I'll see everybody again. Eventually, yeah. Not all these people are going to die. I'm certainly not going to die. Maybe one or two statistically.

Yeah. Statistically one maybe yeah you know saying it's a bunch of people but even then you know i said hi to them i'm not gonna you know but i think also i just i don't like the whole goodbye thing yeah no i get you it's like hey it was good to see you goodbye yeah it's like see that shit sucks right i don't know i that wasn't a very good hey, it was good to see you. Goodbye. Yeah. Like, see, that shit sucks, right? I don't know. That wasn't a very good example. Right.

It was very forced, and that's probably why you just do what you do. I mean... Hey, it was so great to see you. I love you, my friends. Goodbye. Dude, Edgar does that. Edgar left in the middle of the Creek Show.

Just was like, just dipped out. Like, I'll be hanging out with Edgar at a bar, and he's like i'm gonna go inside and play pool you come play and i'm like nah i don't fuck a pool and he's like all right i'm gonna try to hustle some tables i'm like all right respect and i'll bullshit with some people outside that i also know or whatever and like an hour ago by like fuck it's been in there a long time i'll go inside gone text him hey what's up man in the bathroom or something no i'm at the house like, I'll see you later.

And he's like, bro, I've known you like 10 years. I'm like, yeah, you're right. But I guess that's his version of my like, we're having a conversation. You're like, yeah, dude, like my dog died and my mom is sick. And I'm like, like, walk off. I don't know. I guess like everybody has, you know, people are um i guess like everybody had you know people are people are fucking different you know people are they're so they're slugger wired differently

people are fucking why mine is a crazy place and the only thing that unites us is our humanity and love we i love to have a humanity and I don't want to show you so much humanity. We've been resorting to this guy. No, it's just a very easy voice. I'm tired. It's intuitive also, I think. And it's very low energy. Yeah, it's very easy to be like. It's very easy to lower my voice down a little.

This is easier than talking with my old boss. Because I don't have to say all the comments. It's very fun to let it go off the rails. I like to go to the other one. I go to the Piggly Willie. I like to go to all the rails with it a little bit. A little bit of something, something. Just get out of your own car, like something.

One thing I love, people don't know about me, is I like a fucking cock. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you when I go. I remember back in elementary school,

they called me the pussy monster. Because I ate everybody's pussy during class. I used to even eat the teacher's pussy during class. And I was two years old. She'd say, Jimmy Lavoie, you don't eat pussy better than any little child in the world. Yeah, you know. I learned how to eat pussy from the alligators because whenever you just throw the

marsh hen over the side of the fan boat and they go slurp it up like it was something and you'd say like spin around all that so whenever i be pussy i like to stand up on my head and i like to i like to spin around like i'm trying to twist off a chicken thigh that is a very efficient way to eat yeah and i risk i spin around and i like to let my nose hit the clitoris a bunch of times like it's one of them motherfucking turnstiles so you telling me you break dance on a pussy you break tell me i go crazy style with it i go crazy kids you put some tonic shashiris on the pussy lip girl you ever had a man grown ass swamp man go crazy bio style on that thing ever ever spice up with old bay seasoning on the pussy lip and Louis and I are hot sauce. And we're Louis and I are hot. A lot of hot, hot, hot, hot. A lot of hot, hot, hot, hot.

Damn, damn, damn, damn. Every time. Most every time. Most every time. There's a round handle. Hey, huh? Every girl crazy about her. Fuck it, man.

You know, there's something in there. About a large, wet hand. Have a girl crazy about a large, wet hand. Blue shirt. Blue shirt. Blue hat. Blue shirt. Black face. White dick.

And I don't know if I'm gonna stick. They come running just as fast as they can. Women go crazy for an African. This is an Elon Musk song. Yeah, I guess, you know, I wonder if he pulls that line out. Baby, you know, dick's still African.

if he pulls that line out baby you know dick's still african i probably doesn't he probably has a billion dollars he probably yeah he probably is like the richest man in the world right now he probably doesn't have lines because he has 200 billion dollars you ever you come here often baby they call me dickola bresla baby they call me the fucking you know you ever looked up my name on urban dictionary yeah i i have a lot of money i don't think he's probably you know what though i think we're both wrong i don't think that guy i mean obviously he fucks because he's got a kid i heard he had a penis surgery is that for real that's pretty sick like an enlargement one or was it too big private sources this is off the record here but i did hear that he had like a robotic implant on his penis that's awesome i wonder if that's like reddit shit or if that's real

but this is not from a reddit source okay i cannot betray my sources i what do you mean you got like a piston in there or some shit i put a tracking device in elon musk's penis around 2009 i was nine years old nine years old right yeah it was easy for me to sneak into his house yeah i was I was disguised as a dog. Okay. And, as many know, and I'm sure this isn't any sort of libel, this is a fact. Elon Musk will let any dog suck his penis.

True, but he prefers Rhodesian Ridgebacks, Weimaraners. But if you are a dog and you want to suck Elon Musk's penis, he's not really picker and chooser. He's got, you know, every man's got his preferences. You know, some guys like BBWs.

I do think it's weird. He fucked Grimes or like had a baby with him. Oh, I think he was, I mean, he's clearly like, like Jeff Bezos had his own little show out. Like he got on TRT and, uh, shaved his head and started fucking supermodels. It's like Elon got really into like 2014 like Reddit humor and then like dressing like a hipster from like 2010. He got the plugs. You know, he got his shit. He's got the Richard Spencer.

He kind of showed out in his own way. And I think fucking Grimes makes sense if you like examine him. Why didn't he just become like a warlord? I don't know. Because he literally that seems like the easiest path for him. Well I think like that is like a

fail son thing from his family is just being like I'm just like a warlord. Yeah well like I feel like he kind of he's not a warlord but like he is like a fucking insane he's more of a meme Lord honestly he's more of an edge Lord my neighbors book there is no way fucking hate me. There is no way. My neighbors fucking hate me, dog.

There are people on this planet Earth who can't afford to eat food and be alive. Oh, no. Oh, no. Well, as we discussed, there are plenty of jobs for children nowadays. You can work at a collage store. You can work at for children nowadays. You can work at a collage store. You can work at a liquor store. You can work at the fucking Chinese food. There are plenty of lucrative businesses for kids.

You need to get your money up, and you need to get your funny up if you want to get the honeys up. If you're a kid and you're still selling lemonade, you're fucking washed. Dude, I think kids should be killed, honestly. I'm kind of sick of them. I don't... You know, they should be sold, dude. I'm kind of sick of them. I don't... You know, they should be sold to the highest bidder. Dude, that is seriously twisted. I'm a twisted guy.

I'm kind of twisted, and I'm kind of a little fucked up a little bit. I'm kind of twisted. What if we played Twister? I wonder who would win. I don't know, because I'm... Can you imagine the worst video episode ever? If we were like, Alright, guys, we're going to play Twister for an hour.

Dude, have Eden spin it. Let's do the whole video episode playing twister we're like chain smoking while we try oh dude i would 100 need to have one hand free for this all because twister lasts a long ass time at least for when i was remembering as a kid oh it'll be less i'll be less in a long time. Girl, you ever play Night Twister? Girl, you ever play Night Twister for two and a half minutes? You ever had a player fuckin' back it up on you for one... I'm gonna show you why they call me

the Opelousas Rattler. What if she's like, he's like, okay. You you're like i did not expect you to respond like that i'm frequent this twin peaks and i've never ever in all my years had a woman say yes to anything that i was saying except for when i asked for Rams. So, like, normally when I ask if she want to see the Opelousas Rattler, I get maced. So the fact that you are open to it, I don't know. I forget whether I even have a penis. I do not know how to move forward here.

You see this leather jacket, baby? This is plastered to my body. I have not taken it off in about 70 in about 35 years 35 years and you know so if you are willing to see my rattler this leads me to believe that your life is somehow worse than mine voice somehow somehow wasted your life's worse i'm from louisiana kid there's a lot of places that that people, they turn them hard. There's fucking New Jersey and there's fucking Baton Rouge, Louisiana. And that's where I'm from.

My name's Gilbert Gottfried. I'm from Baton Rouge. Listen here, you cocksucker. I'm from fucking Lake Charles, Louisiana. Dude, I remember the fucking, what was that fucking, the remake of It.

I fucking hate, it was a fine. The Dutch guy or whatever? Yeah, but here's the thing is is that Tim Curry was a creepy motherfucker when I was a kid and he had this like,

his sort of like, it's not British, but it's like, I'm gonna eat you, which was kind of fucking creepy. The It accent that that Skarsgård guy did was literally like, Hey, Georgie, I'm down in the gutter selling fucking used Buicks.

It was like a fucking old fat Jersey used car salesman. It wasn't very terrifying because that voice isn't scary to me. It sounds like Fran Drescher. It's just not like, you know. Take it a different route. Be like, hey, what's up? I'm the clown. I'm the clown from It, the name of the movie.

It's your boy, It. It's your boy, It. They get the guy from the blind side to do the same voice for it i live under the sewer and i i'll be i know you got a nice blue you're gonna do you got real good balloons you got a good balloon You got a good balloon. You got a really good one. It's me, the clown from EAT.

I think you should come over here. I think it would be very, very tasty to have you in like a little snack. I think you should come over here. I like your balloon. People get very mad at me when I eat the cherry. But I have to... Go away. Go away, silly clown. And I'm a monster.

And people think I'm a clown but I really like a demon I'm really something mad so like if you want to come down and get a balloon you know vamonos come on down come on man like

like come over here bro like it's ok man like come get, bro. Like, it's okay, man. Like, come get you a balloon, bro. Like, it's no problem. I'm only gonna fucking eat you, playboy. Nah, bro. Like, it's chill, man. Like, come over here, bro. Like, don't even bring your parents,

bro. Also, like, in his next movie, I say, if I, like, kill a gay couple, even though that's not really my thing, that's like social commentary, Kill a gay couple Even though That's not really my thing That's like Social commentary bro It's like It's not Cause like

There's gonna be a couple guys Like Hey gay boy Uh For some reason Hey like gay what bro Hey like gay what Like you sucking a penis

And then they get like Beat up real bad Hey like Come here bro And then you think Maybe something Would happen That would

You would get But I eat the gay guy Anyway so then you think maybe something would happen that would get to, but I eat the gay guy anyway, so, you know. Like, you think something like a poetic justice thing? Maybe I'm kind of good, like justice, but I'm going to eat both. But no, like, I do the rest of the work for him. I will eat both gay men. It's very easy what they were doing. A lot of people think, oh, you watch such a violent act against homosexuals

in this day and age. Maybe it will come to say that, hey, even though he's evil, no, I eat them too. I eat the gay men like a little snack. And nothing will happen to the... Nothing happens to the perpetrators of such violent crime. In fact, they are probably happy. In the book of the movie is based on they have like a kids have sex so i guess it's not really all that weird but this is not the book if anything is weird to not include

that because it shows you what it shows you it shows you should have just made them do it and like not even said it should have shown full penetrated child sex on the MX3D, but I'm only the monster by the way. I don't think it's right, but it's in the book. But we have to keep it authentic. What if Frodo had gay child sex in the book with Peter Jackson? See, we have to keep it authentic to the source material and everybody knows... What about Tolkien? Everybody knows in a hobby

talking yeah yeah yeah yeah everybody have you read the whole bit by your donkey listen, have you watched? Have you watched? I really like Legolas. Legolas. Also, I like Game of Thrones by George RR Martin. And I- George RR Martin?

George R. Martin. Everybody, my favorite show directors are J.R.R. Ducky and Jorge R. Martin. I am also a big fan of Steven Spielberg. I really, really like the, who is the guy? Are you the see, Molly Dry? David Lynch. David Lynch. David Lynch. Paul Thomas Anderson Who is the guy that make all the movie with the stupid call Wes Anderson?

He's good Have you seen Rushmore? Anyway, I'm the clown from IT. These are some of my favorite movies. This is the joke we did for 15 minutes. It's been a long time since we come back to this one. It's been so long. It's been a really, really, really long time.

It's been one of our longest episodes. And you know what's funny? It wasn't very good at all. It wasn't too good. It was not. We were just feeling time we didn't have to feel i know people think maybe we're doing something special for this one no no i need you to understand if you see the timer says an hour 20 be prepared we don't say nothing to bail for 30

minutes in is you need to understand it's so bad. It's so bad, you know. It's just sad. Anyway. Anyway, hey. I'm releasing us from this voice. Yeah, that's fine. Thank you for listening. Yeah. We've got, you know what?

I don't give a fuck if you buy tickets to the Chopper. It's just going to, you know. Houston still has tickets, but you should go get those for real. If anyone has two tickets to the Dallas show that they need to get off their hands, you can message me. I'm trying to get in a nice gentleman I met at the farmer's market who didn't get a chance because they sold out. If not, no worries. Swag. Hopefully you guys still want to go to the show. It would be funny if like 70 of you were like, yeah, man, I just like fucking hate you guys.

I don't know why I bought a ticket. Yeah. But yeah, hit me up. Hit up Thomas and text him too. All right, bye. Bye.