Pendejo Time - weeeeeee

Episode Date: October 1, 2026

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I fucking... Anyway, check out Joe Bucks if you guys have been. Check out... All seasons are good. Anyway... I had bide you one time. You had bide you? Yeah, my buddy...

Kind of a controversial name nowadays. We don't really... Yeah. We don't really talk about that stuff more. But yeah, it seemed... I didn't take a shot of it, but it seemed like something that would upset me greatly and burn my stomach.

instantly. It's the only thing other than Everclear and Moonshine, like, like, moonshine, not like fucking the brand, but like homemade liquor that I've ever had. Muller was pretty close, but it was like in a setting that it was fun. When I drank Baiju, it was like, my buddy had come back from China and he like snuck some on. And it was, it looked like a bottle of perfume, dude.

It was like a frosted glass with like a little twisty top. And he was like, drink this. And I straight out, it was already drunk And I was like, bro, I'm not drinking perfume. He's like, it's not perfume, it's Baiju. I was like, what the fuck is a Baiju? He was like, oh, it's the alcohol that like Chinese homeless guys And also, like, brilliant mathematicians,

The great chasm of Baiju consumers is what they drink. And so I was like, oh, he didn't tell me that it was bad. He kind of sold it in a way that it was like, oh, it's a worldly beverage. Like, oh, great thinkers drink it. and also homeless guys. And I was like, cool. Like, that's, that's actually a pretty cool,

cultural thing. Thank you for this gift. He also didn't tell me that it's, like, corn liquor. It's, like, Everclear. Like, I don't know if it's actually

made from corn mash, but it's, like, 180 proof, basically. Yeah. Whatever the fuck. And, or, 180, yeah, it's nuts.

It's, like 90% alcohol. So anyway, I turned, I took the little twisty towel up and turned the bottle up and just went after it. I crushed it. It was like a little bottle like this big.

And I don't know if you've ever, like, taking a shot at Everclear or like high proof rum or like a wild turkey one-on-one but there's like an immediate warmth that takes over your body and you're like I took it at like a seven seven out of ten drunk level and it was immediately a 12 out of 10 like as soon as that I set the bottle down my body went like I was just like I went from being very fun to be around to being like hey I've been drinking Chinese liquor and I'm about to start fucking shit

I'm about to start hey I'm about start breaking shit I don't know I just lost my That is a bad night for me. I still blame Mr. Ryan for that, my buddy Ryan. Yeah. I was like trying to... There's a few Asian liquors where I feel like it,

um, it can be really dangerous either due to being too mellow or too extreme. Yeah. I mean, if you ever have good, like, like, you have a soju night. Mm-hmm.

Like, soju's tasty. Or like a cold socky. I fucking love a cold sock. So, I tried so, you and I had to call out of work on it like a Tuesday

it was a crazy like I was so drunk I could like barely walk I went out with my I've been out with I went out with my wife's girlfriends one time and they had like a bunch of side you or soju and I was like oh the bottle says it's like

14% and I was like oh okay whatever you know what I mean like I'm a man I'm fucking I drink shit called Baiju and I fucking drink shit that my great uncle made because in your head is kind of like oh okay it's like wine or something right yeah

but the thing is is the bottles are deceptive because you're like I can drink this whole thing and it tastes like soda like so you drink like seven of the little bottles and then you're like the drunkest you've ever been you're like gay guy drunk and I don't mean that like you're doing gay stuff

you're like grabbing people's shoulders you have like inside jokes with the waiter yeah you become like you're like oh me and all the waiters here like we've been doing this forever I've always been here at this table

with all my greatest friends I'm the guy from the shining I've been here for fucking 200 years Chinese drunkenness amplifies friendships in a way that regular like Western white drinking doesn't necessarily do like I feel like

dive bar like white guy dive bar drinking does create those friendships it does bridge those gaps but something about the darkness of it all and you're just drinking bud light or whatever it is you know it's like johnny it tastes bad it's grog yeah yeah yeah it does kind of give you caveman brain we're like yeah but i've got enemies here too yeah and i'm standing my ground in a weird way yeah my truck's here yeah my truck's here my truck is here and i'm a truck yeah i got a gun i'm like i

I got a trucker's a guy and I'm a gun. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. I love going to a dive bar in boots and being like, I got my belt buckle on my gun. You better mess with me tonight. I start crying. Here in Ridgewood, Queens. Everybody better fuck with me here in North Austin.

Yeah, I fucking, yeah, Baiju was some dog shit. Soju was fucked up. I've gotten real goddamn, I've gotten lit to fuck up off Sochi, like, bad. dude like the kind of hangover like you're talking about where you wake up and you go i don't you wake up and you go i don't deserve this like like yeah there are nights where i party like thomas there are nights that i've partied with you where when i wake up and i am hungover i go i deserve that like when we went to chicago with alex that first time we stayed out to the five a m bars i deserved that like i didn't i woke up very sick and scared and i was like this is what i deserve it's fine

Like when I drink sake, I'm like, it's so light and crisp. Let me drink fucking 15 cold bottles of it. Yeah. And then I wake up and I'm like, like fucking neo. Even a Chinese beer very mellow. Yeah. I feel like he's often served so cold that it's like taking a bite out of an apple. Yeah, it's very crisp.

It's like, surely my friend will never harm me. Yeah. Was it sink tower? Yeah, I was thinking of that. I mean, if it's got a Buddha on it or something like that and that glass. Yeah. Oh, man. Sapero, I bought a tall boy of one time.

And it was really fucking gross. And I don't know if the can was just skunked or what. But it was also the thickest metal on a can I've ever experienced. I, like, couldn't crush it like a normal can. Yeah, that's how the fosters cans are. They're made of like a thick aluminum. Yeah. It kind of honestly made me think there's just,

way more metal in this than there needs to be. Yeah. It's like how cans used to be made of like steel. Oh, yeah. Like in Jaws, there's a scene where the captain like crunches a can. It's supposed to be a sound of toughness. Like with his hand and everybody looks at him like, holy shit. And it's like, I remember watching it with my dad.

He had to explain to me like, no, that used to be an impressive thing. They used to be made of tin, I think. Yeah, I used to be like an impressive thing to do. Like you were a cat, like it was a Campbell's super. can or something. Yeah, yeah. I remember my dad my dad's like, we go to his

my dad's place, like his family farm. It wasn't a farm, it was just a dry ass patch of land and he's Texas with not a fucking drop of shit on it except a catfish pond. And I guess some oil, but he didn't he didn't allow any pump jacks out there and he just sold all that land for like

pennies on the dollar, but anyway, now you're not here or there. his uh he's like cousin or something had a fridge full of like old milwaukee from like the 70s and uh it wasn't for drinking it was like i guess purely for sentimental purposes or something and i remember going in there and grabbing it and it was like heavy and i was like oh this is the shit that husbands were like throwing at their wives like if you throw a beer can at your you shouldn't do that but if you throw a beer can at your wife right now it's like okay it's gonna hurt a little bit but they were they were slugging fucking like five pound cans

Like coming home from Vietnam And being like, I've had enough I had to kill so many people Everybody by everybody that I knew explode Yeah It was crazy A lot of them were pussies too A lot of them just watched their friends die

And never did anything cool Yeah yeah That's the story of the hurricane Yeah yeah I remember one of my One of my Being truth through a lot of them are liars Yeah one of my dad's old drinking buddies

Was this like fucking old ass Vietnam vet that we would go drink at this place called Sherlock's in Houston. And I think that place burned down. But anyway, I was like 15, and they would let you drink in there if you were young. They'd let you do anything in there. And yeah, he always wore his Vietnam War hat, and he was like, he'd get drunk and be like, yeah. And I don't like to talk about it. And then you'd go, okay.

And then he would proceed to do nothing but talk about it. It's like four and a half hours. He'd be like, yeah, it's just some things, man, don't discuss. And you go, okay, Al. And then, like, maybe two, three more Budwisers and Jim Beam shots later, and he'd be like, there I was. Saigon. And I'd be like, okay. And he's like, ain't nothing out there but jungle.

The heat of the jungle. You mosquitoes up your ass, up your pecker, down your throat. And I'm like, my dad would always be like, yeah, I'm pretty sure Al was like a male carrier. But you just let him talk. You just let him say whatever, because he's old. I saw a great bug. with gray legs. I saw a gray bug with a gray pussy.

Yeah. There was a red bug. The Vietnamese pussy bug. It was as big as a gray bug. Where were you again? It was in Asia. It's in Iowa, Iowa City. Vietnamese Asia.

Yeah, it was in Vietnam Asia. I remember when we took Pakistan. We took Pakistan. We were supposed to, but we were fucked up real bad. We were stationed in India so we could look at Laos. Called a telescope. We were bombing Laos. We were bombing Pakistan and I was in...

I was in Nebraska. Yeah, I was in Grand Rapids. I was in Grand Rapids, China. I was watching... I was stationed in New Zealand so I could keep an eye on Asia. Grand Rapids does sound like a Chinese, like, town, like, translated to English. It'd be like, sure, she... or something and then it's like means grand rampants that's not funny at all i should kill myself

anyway yeah the uh i love i love um old actually i don't love them i wish they don't get hit by buses but my uh great great uncle died in mississippi he was 104 and he made the news because he was the oldest world war two veteran and uh i think the last one not the yeah he was the last i think World War II veteran in that part of Mississippi. He was 104. And I was the first World War II veteran to die. Yeah, yeah. And I remember his brother, my other great-great-uncle, died on D-Day.

And so they had like made a memorial for him. And I remember reading the memorial, not a memorial. And I was reading it like the Neshoba, it was Neshoba Mississippi. And it was the Neshoba Democrat. which, by the way, that's the name of the paper that he was memorialized in. Whole area is red. So I know they're backwards

because they're still Democrats. They're the Democrats pre-civil. You know what I mean? Like the Democrats that started the KKK, like those guys. Anyway, one of my favorite parts of the obituary was it mentioned his brother of my other uncle, Walter Mutt Rhodes,

who died. Yeah, he died in World War II. and then it briefly mentions him and then it goes on this long diatribe about how for the last 30 years my great-great-uncle I never met him or I think I met him one time he would ride a rascal scooter

around town with a big American flag on it and like a World War II veteran hat and I guess whistle at people and it would the article was like always a sure sign of happiness and Mr. Rhodes would drive around in his little tut-tut scooter with his American flag and his World War II hat

and he's whistling at people. Now I can only assume that that was editorial discretion and the people were not people. I'm just assuming. A old man who killed people in World War II doesn't whistle at people. He whistles it. I'm just assuming girls.

That's all that I can assume because when you're 100 and you're in World War II, I think it's not right to catcall women, but I think you probably got grandfathered in, no pun intended. He was always a sure sign around town, running over black kids with his rascal scooter, and then backing up over them. And whistling at white girls.

Yep. He used to slash people's tires while they were in the Kroger, and then he had a bunch of cabar knives strapped his rascal scooter, and he would fucking slash their thighs open while he passed him. He had a bunch of SS knives he stole off the bodies of dead Germans. disabled John Wick of Mississippi. The 103-year-old disabled John Wick of Nishoba, Mississippi. Yeah.

The most physically able man of Mississippi has sadly passed away. Yeah, he was like 6-3, 6-4. Dude, I can only imagine, because he, I remember he fought in Italy. I can only imagine, he's a corn-fed dude, Mississippi. Can you imagine being like an... Italian fascist guy. You just, you know, you get conscripted into Mussolini's death cult. And you're up in Anseo or whatever the fuck, and you're just up there, like, looking

out in the mountains, and you're like, I'm, I hope I'm about to come but to take my mountain. And then it's just a bunch of fucking absolutely, like, completely retarded. They've got hookworm in their feet. That was, like, the main draft of World War II. It's like, during, like, Jim Crow era, they were like, uh, half these fuckers can't read anyway. Just send anybody south of the.

Mason Dixon just ship them on out. They ain't worth a goddamn fuck anyway. And, yeah, just a bunch of absolute, illiterate fucking, uh-huh, completely, like, lousy with parasites. And they're shooting the biggest, loudest guns that you've ever seen.

And they seemingly have a... They were going on there, a bunch of guys there. They're tearing the legs off. I had counted American soldier. He had the biggest guy. Wapstoo. Average height of an Italian guy is like 5-5. She's like the biggest

the biggest fucking nastiest motherfucker. Kill ever shiny guy you can find. Kill liver, pomade wearing shiny motherfucker you see from here to 10 buck two. We're raiding the tanning salon. We're raiding the tanning salons at Ancio.

Which they were known. We're holding a seed. We're not letting any tank tops into the country. We're at the Battle of Berlin and I'm raiding all the tanning shops. Oh my God. Yeah, I hope they don't have another war while I'm alive. I hope they give it like a good time.

I think, I think that has happened a bunch of times. No, I mean like a great one. You know, like a one that did it. I mean, you know, we both, America can't pretty much walk the way unscathed. Not in terms of bodies dead, but we didn't get fucked with too much. Pearl Harbor doesn't count. Iran is looking pretty awesome so far. Yeah.

It's very funny. I read their like 26-page letter to Americans, and it was like, hey guys, we're on the same side. We love you guys. Everybody that's in charge of you hates you, and they want to rape and kill you. I don't know if you guys know that. It read kind of like a big homie lecture a little bit. It was like, hey, just letting you guys know one big homie to a little homie. Everybody that's in charge of you fucks kids and probably eats them.

So you should probably do something about that. I'm not saying what you should do. I'm just saying, you know, as a revolutionary guard corps, capital R on that revolutionary, you guys got to handle your business. Because everybody that, you know, we're going to start killing a lot of people. There's this undertone of like,

shit's about to get real bad. And we're just trying to let you know that we don't got any beef with you. But if push comes to shove, you know, it's the end of the line, homie. Which respect. Here in Iran, we respect the law to land. We keep our cattle on one side.

We keep dutton ranch cattle on their side. Landman. Iran man. Here in Kuwait, we play by old school rules. Kuwait is a different place. You leave your gun to. I was singing in Kabul. Which might also be an Afghanistan.

Son of a bitch. Can you name one city in Iran? I'll give you. I give you a hit. It starts with a T. Islamabad. Nope. It's Pakistan.

It's probably... Okay, no, no, no, no. Tehran. Yeah, there you go. It's got half the name in it, buddy. My apologies. Tehran, man. Okay, let me guess the second one.

Okay, go for it. All right. Starts with a J. Okay. Keep going. I keep going. Hmm. No, it's okay.

I'll give you, the second, the second biggest city starts as the M. Yeah. Musk. That's like if there's a big city in Texas called Hot Dog. Yeah, I'm down here in Hot Dog Texas, Capitol, six million people out here. No, you're Musco, Ron. No, Musco, no, sorry, it's not Musco. It's Mahshad.

Yeah. Oh, my shad. I know I left my shad somewhere. Yeah. All right, I'll give you the third biggest city. Let's just keep going. Let's just keep doing our biggest city. Well, give me the first letter.

Okay. I. This one is a very important city with following the... It's in the Wu? No, that is in Turkey. Turkey. This city is very important to the war. It can also be spelled with an E.

But it's a, it's a, there's a lot of shit going on over here. right now. It's probably, it rhymes with Gohan a little bit. I-Han. There we go. It's I-Hop Iran.

No, that's going to be Ishfahan. Ishfahan. Yeah, yeah, yeah. How could I forget about Ishvahan? I mean, to be fair, I mean, I've heard of it. Right, yeah, yeah. All right, let's just keep going down the list.

All right, fourth biggest city in Iran. This is all. Is there one that ends with bad? I actually don't know the name. I don't know the answer to that. Or is that like a Turkish? It's, well, it's not a Turkish thing. Bad is an Arabic thing?

Yeah, so Islamabad and a couple of other bad ones because I'm bad. So this city in Iran is also the name of a very nice red wine. So think about it. Merlo. Yeah, Merlot, 100% Merlot Iran. Pino noir. I was going to say Camembert, but that's cheese. Fuck.

No, that's going to be Shiraz, my brother. Shiraz Iran. Shiraz Iran. My name is Shiraz Iran. That's my boyfriend back in the day. Yeah, my name is Shiraz Iran. Shara's Iran. I love white pussy and pancakes.

Yeah, give me another one. I know I'll get number seven. Yeah, okay. Let's go seventh city in Iran. Okay, this is a pretty good one. This is what you produce out of your pizza. Is it like Semen?

No No There's an honest answers Blood Blood? Blood No no

No it's not piss either It's Kum Kum Iran Yeah yeah Kuhom KOM I think it also might be KOM But

Calm Yeah that's okay Well let's move on Let's pick a different country Let's go Largest City and Jordan Jordan

Yeah What do you think The biggest city in Jordan is Well we already ruled out Tehran thankfully Yeah and Islamabad You gotta start thinking

About the answers That you've already said Jordan When you go to the Well Every woman needs a good A lawyer No

Not lawyer Jordan No there's a You know When Blank loves a woman Man Amen? Yeah, man. Yeah, man. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

A man is the biggest city in Jordan and the capital, fun fact. There's like a cultural hub there, lots of cool places. I've never been. Let us do this on this show. You hit up fucking Will. Get a will on the horn.

All right, let's go biggest. Actually, let's go. We don't have to strictly do the Middle East either because I'm not even trying to make fun of the Middle East. Okay. Let's go biggest city in China. What do you think that one is? Would that be...

Is that by population? Yeah, we're going to go population. Is it Shanghai? No, no, no, no, no. Is it Chongqing? Chongqing, that is correct. It is Chongqing. Biggest city with 32 million residents.

Very good. Yeah. What about Japan? Japan, I would guess... I mean, I think that first obvious guess would be Tokyo, but you're 100% correct

now that you're correct yeah yeah 10 million people what's the second one though like oh the second one I believe it is well no that's the island

or Yokohoma Yokohama I didn't know like that that was just motorcycles Yokohama you're thinking of Yamaha Yokohama

Yakohomo it's super awesome ah Yakohomo It's awesome that Yamaha made Really great pianos and guitars and microphones And they were like Let's make generators And their bikes

Let's make fucking power drills Also everything is going to be of extremely high quality I used to play Yamaha guitars exclusively They're really good guitars I mean the ones made from like 85 to like 95 Are pretty good Okay All right let's go second biggest city in Russia

Okay So first biggest city is probably Moscow. Second biggest city is maybe St. Petersburg? Correct. That's 100% correct. Yeah. Population of around 6 million people. All right, let's go second. That seems accurate.

Second biggest city in Turkmenistan. In Turkmenistan? That's a country? Yes, it is. Okay. Well, we all knew that. Turkmenistan. All right

Let me think about some of them Oh my god When I tell you I didn't I thought that was the city Man The city was formerly known as Chardzoo Charzard

But is now known as Turkmenabat Yeah Turkmenistan Pretty much don't got nobody Living there Shout out Turkmenabad It's like Tajikistan Ain't a lot of motherfuckers out there

Was Tajikistan like a former Russian, like Soviet satellite or whatever? Many of the stands, yes. Yeah. Were brief Soviet. Is that like a, is it like step people type of shit? Uh, no. Like Kazakhstan or is it? Yes, yeah.

It's this, when that, when that central Europe meets central Asian kind of, everybody kind of looks like fucking Peter Jan. You know what I mean? They just all kind of. Yeah, nothing wrong with that. No, no, nothing. You know what's funny? is the capital of Tajikistan is Dushanbe, right? Dushanbe means Monday, which is like, very funny.

Yeah, so you know Garfield's not very popular there. He ain't going to find Garfield's ass. Yeah, it was known as... It was called Stalanabad from the Soviet era when they had control of it from like the early 30s, I think, to like the mid-60s or some shit, I don't remember, but... Give me South Asia.

Okay, all right, let's go Laos. Second biggest city in Laos. I know you've got this one locked. Um... is well so Laos

Laos It's along the Mekong River Okay so Maybe Mekong It's got nothing to do With Mekong Okay

Think of a white girl's name That you Oh never mind It's a white woman's name That you know the name And then it's also A shorthand for a drug So combine those two things

And you've got the second biggest city in Laos So a really annoying No a really annoying White Woman's name And then the combination of the shorthand Of a popular dissociative clug drug Mostly done by trans women And gay guys

It's not poppers So don't say like Joni Poppers Something Kett Yeah that's 100% You've got Kett So now you just think of Let's just run through

A series of Annoying White Women Names Southern White Women Remember this They've got there And this is Possibly top five White trash names

Is it like Bali Kett? No But there's not a woman named Bali I've ever met my life myself I was thinking Bailey Bali Bali No it's not Bailey K It's not Tiffany K

It's a All right it's a city in Georgia A rather large city in Georgia Makin I'm making Kett Augusta We all know that annoying beast named Augusta.

Yeah. It's Savonacet. Savannah kit. Savannah. Savana. Savonaket. Yeah. We love you, Savonakit.

We're sending our love to you, Savonakit. Second biggest city, Vietnam. Second biggest city in Vietnam. So, for the first biggest city, we've got the obvious. Saigon. Incorrect.

The biggest city is Ho Chi Minh City. The second biggest city should be. be obvious. Saigon. No, that's going to be, I think, the fourth. Well, what did they call? What was the nickname of Jane Fonda? Due to her perceived betrayal of

American soldiers in Vietnam. They had a nickname for her. They also, this was the name of a lady who spoke in loudspeakers in the jungle to scare GIs. Your country is bombing you, G.I. Her name was, blank Hannah. It's an alliteration.

Come on, bud Hanoi Hanoi or Hanoi Yeah Hanoi Jane Hanoi Hanna Wana Yeah you got it I like this game

Let's keep going What's another I'm learning so much Second biggest city Cambodia Second biggest city in Cambodia This one I don't know Is Khmer What does that word mean

That's their people That is their people Because I used to listen to Khmer rock but I didn't know if that's from a city. Yeah. Okay. Cambodia. Well, we've got plenty of places in Cambodia. It's hard to even pick.

What did, you asked me, second biggest city in Cambodia? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Let's just hear the answer on that one. That one's going to be sham rape. C.M. Rape. Yeah. Well, you know.

I mean, I don't know how the hell. I'm glad I just asked what it would be, man. If I only knew CM rape out of all those cities And so if you knew that one That would be an alarming That would be weird man The city that's closest to it Now can I ask

Do they say it even slightly like that Is that how they say it? I would imagine they say it with an accent With their accent Which I won't do because I can't approximate it I'd imagine it sounds something like Vietnamese Because it's Ah see my

Like see my You know something like that There's also sounds like just a parrot confessing. Sorry, I've raped. There's another one named Batam Bang, which is like, I want to live in Batarang City. I want to fucking...

All right, biggest city in fucking Thailand. I think that one... I think that one's got to be Bangkok. Correct? Yeah. Yo, 9 million people living that motherfucker? I didn't think it was that big. Okay.

Jake, what is the... second biggest city in Singapore Okay Capital What is the capital Oh my God Hold on a second Okay

AP geography Wait no Singapore don't have a goddamn capital Because it's a fucking city state So Singapore B-Dug Newtown All right, I'm sorry, BDoc, Newtown. You know what I love about Singapore?

I don't love this, actually, it's fucked up. They still cane people's feet in the public square in that motherfucker, despite being like a highly urbanized, highly technologically advanced, like, city state. Like, if they catch you, like, fucking, they've got super crazy drug laws, but they won't, like, necessarily imprison you if you're a foreigner. They'll just, like, put you in the stocks and cane your feet with, like, bamboo, even though they have like one of the like

most important fucking like ports and the whole goddamn part of that part of Asia and they have like a huge technological hub and a massive not a pretty decent size population for the size of whatever the fuck how about Indonesia

Capital Indonesia Capital I don't know this one let's see It's definitely sounds mussel Oh I know this actually I didn't know this Okay yeah alright never mind This is a name This is a name of a book written by Vincent Bevins. Well, it's in it.

It's a very good book. Oh, is it my favorite Vincent Bevin's book? It would be your favorite, the blank method. Okay. The J. Okay, now imagine if there was a city named after me and I liked a painting. That's what it, yeah, Jakarta. Yeah, yeah.

Jakarta, okay. How long have we been doing this for? Probably. About 100 years. I'm on the Geo names page for Curakiao, and I'm putting in an admin request to delete Curia. Curacao from Portugal? Or is that Brazil?

The country. You know what it's... I didn't know that was a country. I thought that was a place. Population 159,000 people. And the capital is called the Willemstad. Yeah, because the Netherlands sounds. I'm, reason for deletion, not my favorite.

Bro, languages, poppy amento. Hey, Poppy, can I get a minto? Hey, what do you speak, oh, Poppy, a Mento? That's what I'd be speaking. What would you like for your breath, sir? Let's go. Papiamentu, yeah. Was it an accident?

No. Papi a Minto. Did you mean to kill all those people? yes Bobby I meant to you know there's 7 million people in Bulgaria yeah that's crazy they don't I feel like

dude whenever I see a Bulgarian I do get a little bit of like I work with a Bulgarian guy and he's basically like Borat no offense to him no I was gonna I was not really he's kind of a dick but he's a good guy

there are there are living people of Jewish descent that don't look like um Bulgarian people look like World War II anti-Semitic propaganda. I don't know how else to say that.

And I don't mean that in an anti-Bulgarian way nor an anti-Semitic way. Whenever I see a Bulgarian, I go, you, why do you, why are you rubbing your hands together? You know what I mean? Like, they're always, like, come on, we've got to cut that out. You're looking fucked up. I just looked at Bulgarian people. Yeah, they're known for their split squat. Yeah, those are an incredibly difficult exercise.

Honestly, these people just look like fucking Chechen or something. Well, I mean, the Soviet The Soviets Are Bulgarian Slavs or Taters? Tatar's, I believe, is this The name. Yo, these motherfuckers be wearing some shit.

Meet the Slavs, no thanks. Yeah. Bulgarians. Who? What a... So they're kind of their own ethnic group. A little bit. There's the people from Dagestan, I believe, are the Avars, and then there's the Tatars.

Anyway. Who should have a Romani country? They had one. Really? They did, yeah. They had one. I believe they had... Romani people country.

They came from the Indian subcontinent. People often confuse the Romani an ethnic group with Romanians. Romania has a large Romani population. Two identities are entirely separate. So this is what I like about being American. No, they don't. Same thing to me. The Romani people do not have a country of their own.

I wonder what they were doing. Why did they get grouped in with all the people that everybody hates? Were they doing some type of wizardry or something? They were fucking around a little bit? I don't know. There are an estimated 1 million Romani in the United States and 800,000 in Brazil. That's cool. Shout out to anybody.

Romani listening. We love you, Romani. We love you. I'm sorry that you guys have been persecuted forever. Yeah. We love you and your, admittedly, your tricks. Seems. You guys could just stop

Wikipedia. We love your tricks. You guys could stop juggling knives and breathing fire. Maybe. We love your pickpocketing. Keep up the good work. Nobody's really doing that except for you guys. It's not that bad of a crime. Yeah.

Doesn't, I mean, doesn't seem like you guys are doing, I haven't heard about you guys doing credit card fraud or anything. Maybe you guys just take the. cash throughout the credit cards. It's a classic style. I remember when the Paris Olympics are happening, the French government had to put out a memorandum of basically begging Americans to stop beating Romani people within an inch of their life.

Not Romani people, sorry, I'm going to retract that. That was cruel and insensitive. Beating pickpockets within an inch of their life because we Americans, in America, when you get robbed, there's usually a gun involved or a big knife. And so I'm just, if you are not from America and you don't understand our brutishness with regard to pickpocketing,

because I have seen people on Instagram say, yeah, you don't have to beat them up. Listen, I'm not saying what we do to pickpocketers is correct when we travel. What I'm saying is, is it in America, specifically in the South, if you are being, if you are getting your, as the kids say, your foams took,

there's usually a big ass gun involved. or some type of large-edged weapon. Now, if you approach me and you put your hand in my pocket and you've got nothing but some hands with some skin on them, I'm sorry, buddy, but I'm going to pick you up. I'm going to pick you up and I'm going to put you down on the ground. And that's just going to have to be the way that goes. And so that's the answer to, I'm not saying what we're doing is right.

I'm saying don't pickpocket an American. Pick pocket a German. Yeah, if you're trying to take my wallet and you got an asshole, sorry, buddy. If you try stealing from me and you only have skin, sorry, bud. Yep. Have you? You molesting you, dude. Got an unplugged asshole and you're trying to take my wallet?

Popping a thumb in there. Sorry. Just like Santa Claus. I don't make up the rules. I'm from America and we normally do that. We love that. And if in my country, everybody would be chill with this. This is just purely a thing that I've spoken about, I think, with you.

And maybe I'm here a little bit, but. No, but I play too much. I play too much. I like going to Europe because I don't believe their laws are real because their cops don't carry guns and they're reasonable. And I know I take advantage of this. And this is boarish and, you know, stupid. But one time when I was in France, I was drinking a bottle of wine on the courtyard in front of the Eiffel Tower.

And this French bike cop rolled up and he's like, I am sorry, you know, parley by French. And I was like, no, I just, jeepo fronce a little bit. Whatever, I speak a little bit of French, but not much. He goes, I'm American. You cannot drink wine in Ed De Park in front of the Eiffel Tower. Thank you so much. Sorry for bothering you.

He was very nice. And I was like, all right, sounds good. And then he, like, rolled away like 10 feet. I just started drinking it again. And he like came back a little bit later. I was like, I'm sorry to bother you again. You cannot drink alcohol. And I was like, all right, I'll stop doing it.

And then I just kind of kept doing it until I had to leave the park. And that's what I'm saying is, is that you guys. I don't think our cop should have guns, but it does change things when a guy is telling you that you can't do something and he's got a fucking machine gun in the trunk. You know what I mean? Like, I'm not saying you guys are way more civilized. My name's DARP. And if he keep fucking standing on gravel, I'm going to blow your feet off and I'm going to kill your old family and burn your house down. And I'm going to get promoted for it.

And I'm going to get promoted for. I'm going to get a paid vacation. And I'm going to not show up to court. And they're just going to put you in directly. to hell. Do you remember that San Antonio cop that that fed that homeless guy

a poop sandwich? They just moved him to Bandera. I don't know if you know where Bandera is at, but it's about 40 miles west of San Antonio. It's like a hill country town.

Yeah. I remember when I read the article, San Antonio Police Department officer feeds a homeless man poop sandwich. I was like, well, we got to kill this guy.

I'm not the homeless guy. We got to kill the cop. I mean, him too. He's eating poop. He's gross. He has a poop touch. When I found out that they just moved this cocksucker 40 miles west, I was like, how do you introduce yourself? Bandera is a small hill country town.

It's a beautiful town. I love Bandera. We've heard of your work. Yeah, I'm like, how do you explain your transition? Where are you coming from? Oh, San Antonio. Oh, big city. Man, you must have done something bad.

Piss off sheriff. Piss off the mayor. Come down here, Bandera. Oh, I fed a homeless guy a poop sandwich. I made poop sandwich Man I was What part of the story you never hear is I was gonna eat it But I wasn't hungry

I ate poop sandwich every day One time I feel generous It ends up on the news Yeah I end up fires I have amazing delicious poop I only eat candy in my own poop So I have super sweet

Fruity poop Like peanut butter jelly Boy, you must have fucked up something fierce To get transferred down here in Bandera Must have shot a lady Or killed a couple dogs or something Must have hit somebody with your cruiser You have a couple booed you have a couple booze cruisers in the office didn't you

No, I fed a homeless guy of poop Sammy And I had to disappear for a couple years Because people were docksing my son Um If you're dead I did like something like I did like something like that Yeah I did a little something like that

I did something they would make Ryan do. I did that to a guy who didn't have a place to live. You know the fat one Preston Lacey? You know how he eats poop? Yeah, I did that. I did something like that. I just saw some jackass the other day for the first time. I enjoyed their antics.

We've never seen jackass? I never watched it growing up. But Patrick had some playing at the office while we were enjoying a meal. Do they film Joe Box at the same place? Yeah. Yeah, yeah. And what was I going to say? You're watching Jackass with Patrick Garan.

Yeah, it's funny because almost every sketch is just the guys all being disgusting. And then like once every 10 minutes, it's like Johnny Knoxville being cool and almost showing his penis. And you can tell that's pretty much what kept the show going. Yeah, yeah. Because other than that, it's just a bunch of fat, disgusting guys like shitting their pants and eating it. Yeah, jacking off and drinking horse cow. No women would have watched this show at all without Johnny Knoxville. Well, it was Knoxville.

I mean, Prime Bamarer, too, he wasn't a... Prime Pontius? Look, I'm a straight man. I know he drank horse gum. Prime Pontius, handsome guy. I think he was the sleeper of the group in terms of the charmer. Well, he was also very funny, I think. Yeah, he's hilarious.

Did you hear that story? He told it he got arrested in a foreign country, and he... he he got arrested in a foreign country and he was like oh um if i act really crazy they'll just let me out of jail he was like really young and like drunk and that he's like i'll act like an insane person and they'll just let me go he had never been arrested before and he'd gotten like arrest but never been to jail so he said he takes off all of his clothes and shoves them down the toilet and starts flushing the toilet and floods the whole prison cell and in his mind he was like they're going to get so annoyed with me that they're just going to let me go which by the

the way, when I heard this story, I was like, how did you think that was going to go? Like, what kind of line of reasoning is that? I'm going to destroy this prison and they're just going to let me go because I'm so, because I'm just such a prankster. Anyway, they put them in fucking a straight jacket in like a cube, dude, like a fucking, like a CIA torture box and then just left them in there for hours. But I was like, the idea of being like, okay, I'm going to cause so much harangue that this fucking Japanese prefectural holding facilities. Oh, is that when he was doing

the party boy thing? I think it was, yeah, if I remember correctly, it was the party boy thing, yeah. That's awesome. And he was, like, trying to grind on the police officer who's, like, four feet tall.

You know what? I got to say this. Also, his penis is visibly large all the time. I don't think it's that big. It's not huge, but he's just poking it out. He's always in his speedo or whatever.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I remember thinking, like, there's a lot of guys. who a speedo would put them in a situation where they could never be in public. Yeah, do you remember that picture of Winston Churchill when he came out of the sea

in a singlet and his penis was like a dot and he had two huge balls? Do you know that picture? It's one of my favorite pictures of all time because let me tell you something. If I'm the leader of the free world during like the most violent conflict in human history

and you take a picture of my little fucking buttonpecker and my two huge English nuts, I'm fucking, I'm seating to Germany, I'm sorry I'm sorry, I'm gonna let what's this fucking name, Oswald Mosley take control this cocksucker, you guys have done fuck the game up. How dare you put a black and white photo of me

coming out of the fucking icy cold British sea with my little button pecker out and my two huge British bulldog nuts showing? You can't, yeah, we've talked for this before. You can have small pecker big nuts, but you can't have like micro penis big nuts. That's probably maybe one of the worst things for a guy to have.

Micropinous, big nuts. You need to be like a fat king. Suck it. I've beheaded five wives today. Suck it. Suck it. Eating a big turkey leg. Suck my dick.

He's got grease on it. That king Louis. Suck my dick. It's like a button. Anyway. Yeah. I fucking, I love jackass. I've seen all of them, man.

I remember, I remember when my dad took me to see the second one. And when Pontius drank the horse come, I do remember being personally like, okay, well, we can't, you can't do that. I thought everything else up into that point was morally permissible, grinding on the Japanese policeman,

exposing your penis. to an entire town. Like I was, I had no moral quandaries or quarrels with any of the preceding behavior. But then when they jacked off the horse with 3-6 mafia and Luma's fall,

and then Pontius goes bottoms up and drinks a whole baby, like a baby bottle filled with horse come. He, he, he, everybody was like, there was kind of a silence. And then like,

oh, the juicy J was like, Hell no. You know what I mean? Like, you can't. I honestly think nothing ever topped that. There were a lot of great pranks. There was a lot of really cool stunts and funny stunts. And Johnny Knoxville was very charming. And he's one of the coolest guys. Maybe top five coolest guys of the last hundred years, you know. He's a Buster Keaton, you know, super fan. Buster Keaton was very cool. But if you drink eight ounces of pure horse come fresh from the pecker, by the way, they jacked the horse off. It went in the the bottle, Pontius drank the whole thing. So it was hot.

Thomas is speechless right now. Do you not know about this? I didn't see that one. You got to go watch it, dude. You really do. They get it straight out of the... They make the horse have sex with a fake horse couter, and then it produces a kind of yellowy...

I'm just glad the horse didn't fuck any of them, because it's not like... That's probably something that they thought about. You know what? I've always wondered if they ever, like, were pitching shit to each other like high on Coke that like obviously they couldn't do but they were like you know if this was a different country they probably would have done it yeah I mean if you drink horse come you probably do about anything did you ever accidentally see mr. Hayans

uh no I heard about it okay but thankfully having heard about it helped me avoid ever seeing it I remember as new I knew not to I never was tempted to look that up though I I I had a The table that I sat at, I sat with the, I sat with the Nairdwells, and I remember this kid was like scrolling effucked next to me. And he would, you know, he'd turn his phone over and it would be like an obliterated man that got hit by 18, like an Indian that got hit by a train. You know, classic stuff like that. And you're like, okay, I've seen that one, you know. Or it's like a dog like eating a man's leg or something. And you're like, okay, not too bad.

And then he was like, oh yeah, not this one. And he turns his phone over and it's like a 240P video. of a horse just absolutely going to town on a guy. This guy that, by the way, that I'm talking about is pretty sure he is in jail. I heard he died after. No, the guy that showed it to me. He did. No, Mr. Hans did die after.

Yeah, he died of internal hemorrhaging. Does he have a good time, though? From my understanding of Mr. Hans' lore, this was not his first or this was not even his 10th or 15th rodeo. He was a notorious horse bottom, I suppose. as they say or maybe as they say I don't know

he he fucked a lot of horses this was kind of his thing um yeah anyway I was up there with B&E Pain Olympics in terms of the old classic videos go where I was like yeah I can I'm not gonna unsee that one that's gonna be a tough one to get out of the old noggin

and it never left yeah it's funny how like how Lemon Party is always brought up within the conversation of that stuff and it's just some old guys sucking each other off. Well, they were peeing and drinking each other's pee as well.

Yeah, but like compared to horse fucking? Like watching somebody die or something like that? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I could watch that all day. Did I tell you, I think I did tell you this. I still mean it like I could watch that all day, but like let's say if I had to watch one of those things all day.

Yeah, yeah, I see what you mean. And one of them wasn't just regular TV. I would definitely choose regular TV over old guys drinking pee, but... Who the fuck is texting my phone? Yeah, I remember when Ben first started the podcast, he was like, yeah, you can go check out my website.

I just made it. And I hadn't gotten gotten a long time. But I was like, I'll go subscribe my buddy's website to his show, and then I clicked on a link it was like the Lemon Party link. The old one, the one that's been around for... Whoever hosts that is a true veteran of the internet, because the site is still up.

Do you know Meat Spin? Were you familiar with that one? Yeah, that one. Yeah, I actually got... That one I got organically fooled by. Yeah, we used to... We organically fooled several people with it. One of them was my ex-roomate's girlfriend.

She was like, what's that website you guys used to watch free movies? Now, the name of it at the time was Ice Films or Ice Movies. But her boyfriend goes, yeah, me atspin.com. She goes, okay, me, me at spin.com. And she had hooked her laptop up to an HTML cable to my huge TV in the end. We had these massive speakers, this like pieced together with copper wire entertainment center that we had like, part some of it was stolen and some of it was just like hamming down shit. Anyway, on like 55 inches and then surround sound was just that.

which I think the music is like some kind of EDM or like house it's like and then it's just like you know somebody getting someone it's gay sex is what it is that's what it is ha ha you accidentally watch gay sex which that was like when you're 12 you're like

yeah when you're in high when you're in junior high school you're like you're like aha you accidentally saw two guys that was just fucking long this two guys kissing no Oh, you guys, you didn't show me that. Man, it still gets me that old picture that Madonna posted for Gay Pride Month, where it's the two black guys kissing.

That picture is so fucking funny. And the fact that Madonna posted it on Instagram is, like, I feel like we take that for granted sometimes. She's evil. What an amazing woman. Remember when she kissed Justin Bieber? And he was like 16? Who cares?

You might know. holding on i got i got to do something right fast i got i got yeah keep keep me good on keep us going no it's all good man i don't really care if madonna's a pedophile um you know um well hopefully not too bad but so what if she's kissing you know like a 19 year old guy or whatever i maybe uh justin was not of age at the time but let's look it up justin bieber madonna kiss

hope nothing inappropriate comes up how old was Justin Bieber when Madonna kissed Justin Bieber was 21 years old when a backstage photo showed him kissing Madonna's cheek All right well that sounds pretty normal so not much of a story there but yes

what Madonna kisses all the young guys. That's okay if they're all right with it. Now if she was going down, throwing tongue down everybody's throat, that would be no boyno. I think she might have done that to Drake on stage one time. But, you know, his track record may not be the cleanest either. We don't really know for sure. He seems to be a pretty bad gambling and pornography.

addict unfortunately and we do wish him the best in that regard with that being said not like us one of the worst songs of all time

I hope Kendrick Lamar never puts out another song I don't want to hear anything else that he has to say and that's about it

Jake is back and in the building sorry I have food poisoning no you're good said Justin Bieber was 21. Oh, okay. At that time. So she's vindicated.

The only thing I could remember, and I brought this up, was one time she was doing a show with Drake and she just kind of put her whole tongue down his throat when they were doing the performance. Yeah. He didn't seem to love that. Yeah.

But, you know, but also maybe he deserved it and had it coming. Maybe he was dressed a certain way. Sometimes I wonder, and this is just, me talking out loud, but like, you know, Drake's behavior, we all know what it is.

Like, I mean, he was in the game young. He was probably touched on for sure, probably. You know what I mean? Like, I'm not saying it absolved. He was signed to Birdman. Oh, that's right.

I forgot about that. I only, I remember the cash money, I mean, that's Birdman, but I don't, I didn't, I forgot, I thought it was just Lil Wayne. I thought he was one degree separate from Birdman. I forgot that Birdman still kind of ran that shit back then. Drake's been around for so long.

Yeah, I mean, Birdman stole a bunch of little Wayne's money. You probably stole a bunch of money from Drake, too. Yeah, I would do the same, probably. I mean, I wouldn't kiss boys, but I would steal their money, I suppose. Yeah. Anyway. Collect a bunch of little boys and take other money. I had a really bright idea of eating hotel fish tacos yesterday.

Um, and boy howdy, have I been sick ever since. Yeah, it sounds tough. Yeah, yeah. That's tough. I saw Iron Maiden last night and Megadeth and Anthrax. Hell yeah, how was that? I was sick as fuck, man. It's crazy.

Their, uh, Iron Maiden was their 50th anniversary tour. And I was like, what? How old are these motherfuckers? And then I forgot, that's the only job they've ever had. And I, and it's such a difficult thing for me. the very small amount of success we have I'm so grateful that I got to have

a normal life before I even started doing stand-up kind of you know what I mean? Like, I don't think I could have I could barely handle being in a punk band. I couldn't, I got kicked out of all. I guess what I'm saying is like, I don't, that's just an alien life to me.

Like, you, the only job, you maybe wash dishes for like a summer in fucking our West Hartfordshire and then you were just in Iron Maiden. The same thing with Megadeth. They're done touring, too. Well, Iron Maid's not done touring. Megadeth is.

Dave Mustaine... He can't play guitar anymore. He's like a robot man. I mean, he can't play the fuck out of the guitar, but he's getting, like, neuropathy or something. But, yeah, it was sick as fuck. I love paying $20 for one beer. And then I love...

We've talked about this. I love paying $20. I love paying stadium beer prices. isn't going, I'm not going to have any more than this. Because this simply is not worth it. This is highway robbery. The fuck I look like. You know what I mean? And then you go, well, I paid $20 for one.

So $40 for two. You know, I'm in for a penny in for a motherfucking pound, as they say. And then you go, okay, so I've paid $40 for two. What's $60 for three? And then you just end up spending $100 for five beers. You know what I mean? Like, I do it every fucking time. I know I shouldn't.

It's like usually like, my light down to my last dollar and I'm at a show and I'm like hmm how much are beers 18 dollars okay I'm just gonna have one and then you know the monster takes over and uh you go what's what's 227 dollars in the stadium beer fees who cares I I make the rules you know what I mean right you know God can't tell me what to do uh and I never listen because I'm a wild man you know yeah crazy Jake he's crazy he's crazy Drink out of beer. What is your...

So let's say you are paying $18 for beers, though. Right. Do you... Does it have to be a certain beer? Is it just anything you can get at that ball? No, so like at that stadium... So the way that I go is that if they have like IPAs, I'll usually do that.

Because if I were paid $20 for a tall boy, I'm trying to get the most ABV bang for Buck But at this particular stadium Budwisers were like 20 And then big IPAs were like 25 And I wasn't about to do all that So I was like fuck it I'll just drink Budweiser

Which you know I like Budweiser so I don't care But It's a good beer It's a great beer I was having some of the other night I mean my tummy a little bit upset been trying not to do beer

but had some pretty yummy. Yeah, it's great. Beer is just great. Alcohol is great. I wish I liked other stuff. I wish I could smoke weed. I really do. Every time I think about trying, I get so scared.

I like... It can kind of suck, especially with all the vapes and the edibles and stuff. You can kind of get trapped into... Like, if I'm alone, if I have the house to myself, and I'm going through a phase where I'm smoking a lot or something. I can really get in a weird headspace, like, almost like, almost like barred out.

Oh, yeah, yeah, for sure. You're just getting way too fucking high all the time. Yeah, yeah. You don't really have, you've, I think sometimes I'll subconsciously, like, not schedule anything. Yeah, for sure. You know what I mean? No, for a day. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And it's like, oh, well, I guess I have nothing. also do it's like no you literally you could have done anything with your time yeah yeah yeah museum or something but instead you're like pacing around in the kitchen like like you don't even have the wherewithal like throw on a movie yeah yeah just like oh yeah like you don't even have food at the house you didn't fucking you didn't do this right at all you're not with your friends you're yeah but you can also do that with drinking too like yeah be like man let me have a couple drinks then I'll fucking go out have some fun and then you go grab a six

pack and then you drink a six pack and then you just grab another six pack and go back to your house. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then drink that six pack. And then you go and you get another six pack. Yeah. And then you have two of those and you fall asleep on your couch.

And you wake up and you go, wait, that was half the weekend. Did I drink 14 beers? I just drink. I don't think I just deserved that at all. And now I need a day to recover from that, and then it's time to go to work. Yeah, that's one of the reasons I've, like, been taking it easy because I can't, because I'll tie one off on a Friday. And then Saturday is spent, you know, with, like, you're shooting brown mud from my butt and crying and having, like, part palpitations, yeah.

Your piss is like a dark yellow And you're kind of like sweating a little bit And then you're just like, you know what sounds good Like 7,500 calories of yummy chicken number 55 It could be really good Good for my stomach By the way I have been shitting water for like 15 hours My favorite one of my phone

Favorite things about No matter how we've Alcohol's existence since time immemorial And we've been having the movies for 100 years people's portrayals of hangovers and movies is like it seems like not even a method actor can get that one right I've not seen an accurate it's always like oh oh I can't believe what happened last night

maybe they've got like a beanie on their head or like a pair of sunglasses and they're like somebody get daddy in Edville or whatever you know what I mean it's like that and it's like no there's no quips maybe with like when you wake up still drunk or like a mild hangover maybe you're a little like, I'm talking a real one. I'm talking the kind of hangover where you're like,

I don't, I am in serious danger here. Like, I am serious. I do like an accurate portrayal of if anybody can do that, I think they should get an Oscar. The fear and the disgust, because you're just, you alternate between like,

I've gotten, I mean, I've been so hungover. I've thrown up all day, but like, you alternate between puking and pissing, and shitting and you stink and you just smell like liquor

and you're like I I don't know about anything you know what I mean like that's hungover not like somebody who got the vodka shots last night looks like somebody went overboard check please like that's still kind of the thing

you see in TV but people are like oh wow somebody needs a coffee yeah that's me yeah yeah Right, exactly. Somebody needs to pick me up. Yeah, oh, I need a big... Yeah, I need to...

Let me get an Advil. I'm off to work. Let me take one Advil and go right back to work. Honey, I'm... Honey, I'm off to work. Daddy get a little hungover. Oh, my God. I wish I had a revolver on my nightstand.

texting your boss, 15 minutes before you have to be. there that your grandma died yeah texting your boss 50 minutes where you gotta be there that your mom died in a car crash oh man I remember I uh did I ever tell you this

I got out of work um because I went tubing right and I went tubing on what's the there's a lake north of Dallas it's kind of dirty um

fuck I don't remember what It's called. Burger Lake. It's not that one. It's not Possum Kingdom. It's not Possum Kingdom. Anyway, I went with my buddy.

He had a boat. We went tubing, and I was fucked up, and I had my head hanging off the tube into the water, because I was so drunk. And part of the rope wrapped around my neck. And then when he gunned it, the rope was going hot, and I got rope burn. Like Aldo Rain from fucking. glorious bastards. Like my roommates thought that I got like decapitated by the boat. They were like horrified when I came out of the water.

Because before the rope went hot and would have just ripped my head, cleaned the fuck off or broke my neck. I managed to like get it off my neck. But it left this red line, this like bloody burnt red line on my neck. And I had to be at work the next day. So we stayed up all night, of course, doing cocaine and drinking. And then, uh, I called my boss dude on my phone. like at like 9 a.m.

Because I'd be there at 10 and I was like, uh, and my boss was like, hey Jake, what's up, man? Everything sound good. And I was like,

I was, I was in a really bad wreck. The seatbelt like, like, like cut into my neck, man. I'm, I don't know.

I gotta go to a hospital, man. Things are so bad. And like, I had my, I had my, Frankie and the guys be like, yeah,

somebody called the police. I was trying to sell it. So they were like, yeah, call, yeah, yeah, he's,

just get out of the car, man, just get out of the car it's cool and I was like you ski and I was like yeah I can't I don't know and I woke up like and so he was of course my boss was like he was like yeah man take as much time as you need I'm sorry to hear that I show up to work the next day because it was Monday had to work and uh he like was walking up to me a little like because I called out a lot and he saw the shoot my neck had bruised it looked like I tried to hang myself he's like oh my god man I I'm not even going to lie I thought maybe you were

bullshit in me or something, man. I thought you tried conjureps from shit. You know, you're always fucking... I know you're always fucking off. But man, that looks really bad. You're really in that wreck? And I was like, yeah, the car flipped and everything, man.

It was really bad. I thought I was going to die. He's like, you know, broken bones or nothing? I was like, no. Nothing just the neck. And he was like, man, like, not even any scrapes. And I was like, no, dude, it's like a miracle. It was like, God was looking out for me or something.

And he was like, I'm so sorry to hear that. What happened to your car? And I was like, I was totaled. I drove the car to work. I just parked it in the lot Like on the other side of the building I drove that same car to work every day For like the next four months that I worked there

But yeah He bought it hook line and sinker But I had to explain it to other people It was really awkward Because it was there for like a month It was really bad It was like a really bad rope burn I would be at a party

And people would be like Hey Uh Hey Hey man I've seen you while you What? And I was like Oh yeah

I was drunk I went tubing My head got caught in the rope And then the guy A boat gunned it and then it almost took, tuck, broke my neck. And they were like,

oh, I thought something else happened. I was like, nah, I didn't try to hang myself. I don't think I'd be out partying if I, like, if I literally tried to hang myself, almost succeeded, failed, and they just left and went to the bar. Let's get this party.

Mother fucking restarted. Jake is back. Jake is back. God does not want me to come home. The Lord does not. Burt Breisert taking his shirt off and he clearly tried to hang himself earlier that day. Hold on, what?

Close, get him out of here, close the door. Get out of here, Hank. Fuck, Ed. Hank just chewed up a bunch of shit. He stole some stuff from the office. What were you saying? Burke Kreischer ripping his shirt up, but once he does, you can tell that he's tried to hang himself

and also stabbed and shot himself multiple times that day. And they call me the machine. He's got like Elliot Smith wounds. He's like, ah, ha. I'm fat. He has a big tattoo on his belly that says, kill me. Old English letters.

I can only die if you kill me. Bird, bird, bird, bird, bird, bird. He's drinking a whole fucking, he's doing a cagher with bleach. Bird, bird. Hey, if they do another Chrysher cruise, do you want to go? I would do it for a few thousand dollars.

No, I'm saying, like, we expect. It is a business thing. Oh, and I don't know if I could, I don't know if I could afford to take the time of work, but if I could do it for money, it would be good. Yeah, I wish you were there, this moving job I did with Mike last night. We fucking, we finished at 11 o'clock, bro. Jesus Christ, where were you all at?

Just here in Brooklyn. Oh, okay. It was just so much stuff. And I just came home. And I came home, and I slept four hours, and I went back to work. Jesus Christ, dude, fuck. But, wait.

I was just thinking, like, oh, my God. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And Mike at one point, he was, like, doing, he was doing a Jerry Seinfeld voice while we were, like, just fucking sweating our asses off when we, like, blown our shoulders out and everything. He was going, like, if you get good at comedy, the money will just roll on in.

All you have to do is get good at stand-up. Get good at comedy and it'll just roll on in. That's awesome, man. He's so sick, dude. I remember he did not respond, but when he named his show Racine time, I sent him a screenshot, and I was like, he'll be hearing from my lawyer, pal. And he just, like, left it on red, and I was like, respect. R-E-S-P-E-C-T, Mr. Racine.

Mike, respect, Racine. That's awesome, dude. Yeah, I didn't fucking, I was up, like, I got up at like four in the morning yesterday, and then we fucking took like a half day off of work, and then went to fucking Iron Maiden, and then got home in like two. I was up for like 24 hours. And I woke up this morning and I had to be in a work meeting. And I would have a fake work from home job, it doesn't count.

But it also, you know, I will say this, fake work from home job when you're hungover kind of sucks. Because you're like at your house and your underwear. You know what I mean? This sludge monster. Yeah, you feel like the sludge monster, and then you're in a meeting. You have to leave your house. You at least have to shower. You got to shower.

You got to put your boots on, you know, you got to look presentable half-ass. I was, like, in a meeting and a shirt in my underwear. Just like, yeah, the key performance indicator, KPI. Fuck. The report says that the email marketing fucking div. God damn it. Who gives a fuck? Anyway, I got to go to the office tomorrow because they just,

bought a fucking, they just bought an office and so I got to go. I'm complaining about go. Dude, I haven't been to an office in fucking six years. Seven? No, I haven't been to an office since Facebook. It was like 10, when I worked at Facebook

10 years ago, I haven't been in an office in 10 fucking years. I guess if you count my, when I did office hours when I was, when I was at Texas State, when I was doing like the TA stuff, had office hours, had my own little cubicle in the fucking adjunct office, but maybe I'll pull my pants down.

To us, the green room is like our office. Yeah, that's 100% true. To come to my office is like basically the green room. Why don't you step into the green room, which is also known as my office? Yeah. Yeah. Trying to film that bit and then someone goes, hey, man, you can't be in here. Yeah.

We've told you before you can't do skits where you step into the green room and say, welcome to my office. Yeah, you can't come into the comedy mothership green room, man. You're not allowed. Bro, you're not literally, bro. Shane has to bring you in if you're going to be in here. Yeah. You need a chaperone.

You need a more famous chaperone, bro. That is how it works, yeah. That's quite seriously. Hey, bro, did you bring your famous chaperone who resents you? Because every time you're around, you try and get stuff from him that you haven't earned. Oh. Hey, is your famous friend. You didn't bring your friend who's, you are causing resentment due to your actions.

Yeah, you know that guy you hang out with that you kind of just try and, like, absorb through osmosis. success into your life. Yeah. He's not around. The guy who can sense that there's bad in your heart. Yeah, that you're mostly a selfish person. You need to bring him to get in this room that has tissues and a bunch of rapists. This green room with a bunch of rapists and lone stars, yeah.

Hey man, there's the, to sit on the rape couch, you need a concierge. Yeah, you need. Hey, man, not just anybody can come into the rape couch zone. You need a really fucking talented famous person to bring you here like David Lucas. One of my favorite Ben jokes, it's not even a joke. Every time I've opened for Ben for the last three years, his opening is like 15 minutes long, right? He's like, hey, I'm David Lucas, I'm fat, and I'm black, and I beat women, and I smell really bad, and I hang out with Matt Walsh. And so I want to think you guys are coming to the David Lucas show.

By the way, I'm really fat, and it doesn't matter that I'm black, but I am. And he just does that for like, he does it until the office. audience buys it. It's very impressive. It's like, he does it for like a really an inordinate amount of time. It's, it's one of my favorite jokes of all. It's not even a joke. He did it at the, been at the Lemon Party live show one time. And, uh, I would like to give a shout out. This is a different show. I would like to give a shout out to Vandal. I know some people, uh, uh, maybe don't care for Vandals online presence, but Vandall is a, I consider Vandal to be a good man. Uh, did I tell you about this? When I will open a, up for Lemon Party in Houston man jace and devon and ben were on they were just they're always on bullshit but they're on bullshit

particularly that night that you know they were telling jokes and they were fucking around and saying some shit i that none of it pissed me off the audience was loving it and but they were doing their thing you know their thing and then jace makes a joke about how if you like marvel you'd need to be gassed

and this big black guy stands up and he's like nah dude he got so fucking mad and jace was like I guess we got Thanos in the office in the building or something you know something the guy's like hey look man

y'all been saying some shit but like I'm a Marvel fan he was drunk as fuck he's like I like Marvel so what's up fucking huge fat black guy and Vandal gets up he's like hey sit the fuck down now I said sit your fucking ass down

motherfucker now. This is Florida white. I mean, he, he makes sick-ass toys. He's a funny guy. I like Vandal. But he just, he's a Florida guy. So all that Florida, just Florida came out fast as fuck, dude. I said, set your motherfucking ass back in your chair.

Watch the fucking show. Now! And the guys, like, they're all talking shit. And, like, I get with the manager of a secret group and I'm, like, kind of shoving them out the door. And the guy's, like, jawing at me, you know, fucking shit to me and I'm like hey man I want no problems he's I'm in town seen a motherfucking comedy show y'all talking shit y'all start talking shit about Marvel I fucking

like Marvel he was drunk and I was like what was funny to me is they had probably said they had definitely said horrendous shit up until this this was like 45 minutes into the show what blew that guy's top was they were like yeah if you like thanos you should be got a xicon b your ass and he was like hell no don't you ever speak on my purple homie Like this. He was pissed. And I went back inside. I grew up with Spider-Man, bro.

We were, secret groups in a pretty tough part of town, and I was like, hey, if you guys are out here yelling at each other, because they were just fucking jawing each other, pushing and shoving, I was like, hey,

South East, South East, or HPD's going to show up, and they're just going to tase both of you, and they're going to make you sit in the same drunk tank, and they're going to watch you fight each other. Because that's what HPD does. Because Houston's a fucking hell hole.

and, you know, it's fucking sucks ass, and the cops here out of their fucking mind, you know? So, take it easy. And the guy's like, all right, I'm gonna leave. Vandal's like, okay. And the guy gets like 15 feet away of Vandons.

Like, hey, another thing! And I was like, dude, Van, shut the fuck up. It was just one of those things where I was like, why did you get mad at Thanos? Like, pretty sure Jace, like, pretended that almost said the N-word like a hundred times. I don't know if he did. I don't mean to speak on Jason's name.

He doesn't say the N-word. but, you know, typical Avery Brother behavior and I love the Avery Boys. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. They're the homies, but Marvel of this. Yeah, I grew up with the Punisher, bro.

You can't fucking... The Punisher and the Hulk, that green guy, he fucking, he used to have a Honda Civic. We used to hotbox it. Dude, imagine hotboxing with the Hulk, bro. And like a clapped-out Infinity G-35. Half the car, like the... Like one half of the car.

just like off the ground. Yeah. Yeah, he's just in the driver's seat. Hulk hungry. Hulk regret. Hulk regret things that Hulk say and do. Hulk scared. Hulk scared to die.

Hulk horny. Fuck you. Hulk fucking hell. All right, y'all got to be careful. We'd make the Hulk horny. Man, I don't like how you said that, man. the Hulk fuck me and my wife. A big green, strong guy

fuck me and my wife near to death. Out and fucking... That's my secret cap. I'm always fucking you and your wife. He just turns into a huge penis. A huge hard dick. That's the secret cap. I'm always a penis.

Don't do that. That was a little too... I like, don't do that again. I had to get a real boner for the show. Yeah, yeah, that was good. Anyway, thank you guys for listening to the show. If you are... Oh, yeah, do your plugs first, Tom.

Come to Colomas, please. October 30th at Life World in Bushwick. Splitting an hour with Caleb Pitts, and it'll be a lot of fun. Come hang out. And the show's kind of early, so you can still come to a Halloween party after it. It'll be amazing time of your life.

All right, Jake, what you got? I'm going to be at... Hold on a goddamn second. October 14th. I'm pissing my ass. I'm going to be at Seven Spirits, Austin. Doing 7-77 comedy. It's a lot of motherfucking fun.

And so that's good. I don't really got a lot going on right now. But if you want to get tickets early, because they're going to sell out a motherfucking foe show. Please get tickets to see me and Thomas in New Orleans. Thursday, January 28, 7 to 9 p.m. Two motherfucking shows. Please come out and support if you are a Louisiana Pendejo. If you're down there in the Delta, come speak a little Creole to us, a little bit of Cajun. And if you're up there in northern Louisiana, I have no fucking clue what happens up there. I don't even know if people

up there are real. I have no idea what happens in the fucking Louisiana Panhandle. I genuinely don't know. I know I've been down to the Delta before. It's pretty in a kind of a haunting way, but the panhandle I ain't been up there. I don't know if it's called the panel because everybody calls Louisiana the boot. So the ankle part of the boot, I have not been up there. Anyway, yeah, come to see that. And then we're also going to be in Philly, but they haven't sent me a goddamn link yet. So, uh, look at me on the lookout for that. Thanks for listening to the show. Goodbye.

Bye.