Pendejo Time - Welcome, Mr. Gilbert (Ft. Adam Gilbert) AUDIO ONLY

Episode Date: December 13, 2025

This is the audio from our most recent video episode with the very funny Adam Gilbert, you can watch that by clicking the link below. He is on tour this winter. Catch him in these cities.  1/16 Detroit, Independent Comedy 1/17 Chicago, Lincoln Lodge 1/18 Batavia, Illinois, Comedy Vault  1/23 Handsome Man Comedy, Pittsburgh 1/30 Comedy at The Cellar, Fargo ND 2/28 Vermont Comedy Club, BurlingtonWATCH NOW  PHILLY COME GET YOUR TICKETS TO SEE ME AND THOMAS LIVE THOMAS IS HEADLINING IN NEW YORK, GET TICKETS TO SEE HIM  Through Hims, you can access personalized prescription treatment options for ED, like Hard Mints and Sex Rx plus Climax Control, if prescribed.  Get Hims 

I feel weird buying it from like Barnes & Noble of MindComph and a cappuccino. Yeah, three, two, one. Yeah, I went, so like that book, we're talking about owning Mindomph. That is a funny visual. Just like, you know, the whole like the old meme where it's like a guy buying like a cucumber, a condom,

and like lube and then like, you know, like, damn, what's on comp to? It's like going to the Barnes & Noble. and just like performatively reading line comp and being like oh no like loud just as bad as last time getting like mind comp and between the world and me so you get both sides yeah yeah yeah oh no I can't

you've got like the communist manifesto out like reading it like that one movie where Scarlett Johansson can read like 10 books at once and you're like I can't stand either of these Do you remember when Nick posted that photo of Mullen posted that photo of him on the subway and it was this big fat Italian guy and he had this huge swastika chain? It was like a Cuban link and then it had it was like a fucking what's the word like a bust down swastika. It was like bejeweled and everything. I want it. I want it to be fake.

But there's also a part of it that's like I want that guy to have spent like $35,000 on that. If you're going to, he had that shit on, too. He was like, he looked like Tony Soprano, but with the huge, and there's no way it was like the peace one. It's just, it's just, I don't think anybody was suspecting that. It was this peaceful Italian man. Yeah, yeah. Getting it bedazzled is crazy. Hey, I want to show it off.

That's insane. It's for San Giro. If I'm going to wear it, I want it to look good, you know. I'm not like one of these Aryan brothers. It was my grandfather. Bonitos It was my Papi Benitos

He got it from a friend Dude one of my favorite Like pieces of history trivia Is Hitler was like Obsessed with suicide And he often Yes

That's twin him That's twin And And so he Evidence that he knew Very good and god damn well That what he was doing like if he ever lost it was over.

So he would routinely call his guys in like his top brass like Reinhard Hydrick and all these guys and be like, hey, just so we're all aware if the Soviets get too close we're all going to kill ourselves. You guys are going to kill or kill yourself, right?

And they're like, oh, no, no, we're going to go to the end. And it was like, well, I recommend you kill yourself because I'm going to kill myself. And then in a book called Hitler and the Power of Aesthetics, Mangala, like a bunch of his diaries in there, Hitler, towards the end of the war, would just get really depressed and go hang out in cafes

and then just writing his diary about killing himself. Which is like, the idea that this, like, the most evil man of the 20th century was like towards the end of his life like a 13th reasons why,

like white girl. He was John Fetterman. He was like, no, I just want to kill myself on my son's birthday. Nobody likes me. Nobody likes me as much as I love Israel.

Nobody loves me anymore. I used to be Zahidzifura. Now I'm alone. then there was an instant There was one time where Hitler Benito Mussolini Himmler

and I think Reinhard Hydrick are in a helicopter This sounds like one of those bad jokes But it's the real thing I didn't know they hung out Yeah They hung out a couple times The big history between

While taking over the world You're like Let's all get in one helicopter Dude that's So that's That's so Benito Mussolini It was like And it's completely out of his mind

This was before Hitler got like fucked up on Adderall Well amphetamines Pervitin and he goes I'm going to fly the helicopter now and he and everybody goes what and then he grabs the fucking cockpit patrol controls and starts nose diving and Hitler reflected in his diary that he was like certain that he that they were going to lose the war not at the hands of the Americans or at the Russians but because Benito Mussolini was like I'm an Italian moron I would like to fly the plane and the guy goes sir no and he goes I was just like a fiat so he almost killed

He almost killed, like, the top command of, like, Italy and Germany's fascist parties. By just being an Italian pilot? Yeah, just being an Italian moron. Just being like, I think I can do it. Everybody can do the plane, no? Charlie Kirk was, he was, like, wrong about the ethnicity. It's the Italian pilot. That's what you want to watch out for.

It would have been, like, if Michael Jordan and LeBron were also on the helicopter. Yeah, yeah, yeah, just killing all the goats. The day the basketball died. By the way, everybody, this Adam. Adam Gilbert Thank you for joining us Thanks man Yeah I remember reading that

In that book about like About like the It's just like the temperaments of like world Hitler and the power of ascetics And there's another one about like Lenin I forget it But it was like the temperaments of world leaders Like in America you get like

Hitler was a serious guy He was a scary guy And you know linen is this And then like to find out that Hitler was like He was an art student Like yeah He was a bohemian art student Who obviously Rose Power whatever

But like he was a huge huge whiny pussy. This book is called My Like Suffering Yeah, my struggle My country, my struggle Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah But like the whole idea Like the speeches where he's like

Like in his mind being like Nobody likes Zephyora enough If I died nobody would care So he's doing like a My Chemical Romance kind of solo on stage Yeah, yeah yeah Meanwhile Benito Mussolini is like Ah

Like he was having a dope-ass time Niponito believed in himself. He did, yeah, yeah. That's why I think the reason that the Germans and the Japanese, like, embraced fascism was because they love rules and because they were, you know, orderly people. Italians did it because they're stupid. Like, like, the Italian version of it is like, that guy has a cool hat and he's very strong. He can kill everybody in the country.

The Germans are like, the trains must run on time and everybody in the Japanese are like, honor and swords. The Italians are just like, hey, the best hat. I dated a girl who was Italian First Generation of America Her mother was from Italy And I hung out with her grandma When Trump was running

And she was like Everybody voting for Trump Yeah everybody vote for him You vote? And I was like no I think he sucks And she was like Ah He reminds me of Benito

And I was like you like Benito Mussolini She was like he was a great man And I She had to tell me she was like Yeah Most Italian old lady Just liked Benito

Because they look like Their oldest fat son. He does look like a big fat son. It's like Mexican mothers are the same way. They're like they'll have the old. Like my fiancee is like in-law like every cousin, her oldest cousin, guy cousin of hers is like a fat stay-at-home loser. And then like their moms would be like, Amiho, do you need anything?

And they'll be like, you know, like near death 400 pounds. Completely losers. There's no future. And you're like, oh, nice. Yeah, yeah. You guys, you have it totally fucking made. Wasp, we don't get that. treatment. I don't, I'm not a wasp. I'll never identify as a wasp. You brother, come on.

You know a wasp? Nope. Nope. How you are a wasp? White trash. Not the same thing. Wasps wear polo shirts. Yeah. That's like a New England thing. White Anglo-Saxon. I don't identify with that. Wap? This is not me. I'm like one of the Republican gay guys who's like, I'm not LGBTQ. I love those guys. Yeah. Yeah. There's that one guy, Scott Pressler. He wears the the fucking, uh... The long hair guy? Have you seen him like, he looks like the lead singer of Rush. His whole thing is he'll be like, I just got 100,000 people to register to vote. And then it'll be a bunch of old people in his reply is like, you're doing the Lord's work.

He'll be like, I'm in a battleground state. And today I got 50,000 people to register to vote Republican. And he just makes up the numbers. He'll be wearing boots that go up to here, too, leather ones. He's flirted with a few of my friends. I've heard that he's like, like, um, the whole like you know very charming really yeah you guys hang out a lot not a lot not anymore he's kind of an old flame he broke my heart too one too many times he's got beautiful here

it is funny to be because dave reuben is a gay conservative but he's like he's like one of those gay conservatives it's like this is my husband you know he doesn't have the voice or anything it's funny to have the voice and the walk and the attitude and be conservative like i i i knew people from the church that I grew up in that had gay sons and you would never know they dressed and acted and then they were also like

this is my boyfriend and it was kept very tight and close because of the connotation it's weird when one of the Queens is conservative that I'm like come on dude you can't be doing all that

like Lindsay Graham yeah that's the people always like no she's like we need to send more guns over two hour a man we need to kill dude when people are like like oh that's not fair it's just his voice i'm like he's a dying breed of southern man

there's not a lot left like him where it's like i i knew a couple old guys where it's like oh it's really sucks for you you were born in the time where if you were gay that you would just get beat to death and you would grow up in a place where if you so you have all the accoutrements of it yeah but you have to be like this is my wife we met 1942 and she's like this yeah they haven't touched each other yeah once just to see and he was like Ew. Yeah. This feels warm.

I don't know. It's like a bread pudding. I don't know if I like that, but it's something new. Are those your breasts? Put them like a guy's butt with nipples. Oh, it's like a guy's mouth sideways. Oh, look at that. It's sick.

It's tongue out at me like. got you got it's saying hello it's kissing me goodbye goodbye zippers going back up I got to go back to work I'm glad I kept my tie on for this anyway we need to defund snap I am so cozy in this diaper I don't think I need to take it off Deborah I think I can make love just fine with a diaper on where's the diaper coming from I like the diaper Well, I'm so, I'm a special type of weird guy where I'm wearing a diaper. It's not inherently gay, and a lot of people wear it just because of incontinence issues, but for me, it's a weird sexual thing. Your voice got more and more to your own voice.

Well, you know, I'm wearing a diaper, and I'm gay. What do you mean, I'm Lindsay Graham or whoever, you know? Yeah, he's awesome. Oh, I'm Thomas. Oh, no, no, no. Wait, five! No! I can't do this.

I love pussy. No. Stop, stop, stop, stop. Like the Green Goblin. It's me, Thomas. Let me out. Lindsey Graham Green Goblin. Come over here.

Love Israel and men, too. Are you watching S&L the night? Marcelo's on. Check out my skin tags. Look at my eyeballs. Yeah, yeah. I've heard that he has a bunch of warts. like a bunch of

you know not like STD warts but he has a bunch of warts down there and that he calls him his lady bugs I've heard that gay escort

it was a gay escort that tweeted about it after he had signed some like I hate to steal your your scoop no that's okay it was me the wart scoop yeah yeah it was me

there was like oh I got a couple scoops I got a couple two scoops Two scoops of nuts. Go back for more. Nuts included.

Yeah, he's a... Did you grow up religious? Yeah. What, Catholic or? Mega church, Protestant. Me too. Well, I was like a small church, and then it became a big one, but... Yeah.

In the South, you'll... It's sad. It is... I mean, I don't know, it's also funny, but, like, you'll meet somebody who's like, hey, welcome to the church. My name's Scott, and this is my wife, Deborah. And Deborah's like, hey, and you're... you're like,

mm, that sucks for you. Because it's just, I know that the gay d'ar thing, people are like, that's homophobic to assume, but it's like, there are some guys,

like, especially like, yeah, in the South where you're like, you know, every church guy is like, hey, hey, and then one guy goes, hey,

and you go, you're the gay church guy. And that's not your, that wife, she watches you, like pick out dolls and stuff and, you know, yeah,

and kisses you on the forehead, maybe, they don't fuck like real christians yeah they don't fuck like real they don't get down in the dirt yeah they don't fuck like real sexual Christian free southern guy I like dolls I was like wondering when you're going with the dolls

I was talking Marvel Legends or are we talking I was just picturing like a Christian dad I want a doll and a pink dress I'm 45 I was thinking about him like picking for the kids but then yeah I want a wolverine I want a new one

I do like the idea of closet in Marvel dead yeah oh my god that new spider man is to die for yeah yeah we gotta go see it again I've been seeing it I've been going to the midnight showings it's so good oh Hugh Jackman he's he's back back is Wolverine I love I haven't seen him in forever in movies

that Ryan Reynolds I've never seen any of his movies oh I haven't seen Hugh Jackman around in movies lately getting really nervous like on the on the vlog camera like I haven't seen Ryan Reynolds in anything before, I don't think. I'm excited for this one. No, man. We've got to watch Happy Feet. Hugh Jackman is so good, isn't it.

Oh, I love Paul Rudd. I mean, he just don't get no older. I tell you know, he's not problematic. Now, you guys are just, you just sound like my mom. You just sound like my mom. Hey, Jake. Jakey, come here now. Jakey, come here.

Jakey, come here. Jakey, come get your tutsies. Do you have your red bulls? Did you have your red bulls and your titsy? Did you take your medicine, Jake? Dude, she does. She, she's fucking, she'll be like, have you taken all of your, all of your, your medicine?

How are your, how is your mood? Is it more stabilized with the medicine? I was going to say, oh, how's that stabilizer? How is your clinical depression, Ben? Dude, dude. We'll be like. Do you still have suicidal thoughts? We'll be at like a Mexican restaurant, like, a week before Thanksgiving,

because I'll go in early to spend time with everybody and, uh, just loud as fuck and like a, like a mama's seat. She goes, So how are all the medicines doing? Are you still having bad thoughts? I like that. That's cute. She cares, but like she's also like, she's a gossipy old church mom.

They're all like that. So like she does it to me. And so she's like, because you know some of those medicines, they'll make you even have worse your ones. So if you find yourself having darker ones, don't take it. I'm like, mom, the medicine's fine. Can we just? She's like, are you still having the panic attack so bad?

Do you start crying? And it'll be like, well, like, I'll be like, I'll be like my. uncle will be there and he's like I'm like no no I'm good like Are you still addicted to alcohol Are you still addicted to opiates Is that still? Yeah yeah yeah She uh she

She doesn't like to talk about that stuff She'll get all mad Here's Jake's mom if she was a mouse Are you Jake are you still eating cheese Are you eating enough cheese Have you been squeaking much lately You've been squeaking enough You've been staying away from them traps

Your tail looks good Oh dude on the way here Speaking of mouse I saw a tail if he was a mouse I would have a tail This uh A tail to tell This uh black gentleman was walking this way towards me

And I was walking towards him And I felt super safe I don't want you guys to assume that I felt any type of way Okay Uh and then he did a The most Looney Tunes ass like jump and yelp Because a huge ass rat Came out of the fucking trash

Where right by it was like the apartment next year's Yeah he goes And then does like a two-footed like Like a you know like when they test it for your vertical like he it was not like a one like it's like he just with straight legs like lifted off the ground and his knees did not and I think what it was is he had a fresh pair of fucking Jordan's on and was not trying to crease him he like jumped like this he just went up like no bend to the knee he just oh yeah yeah and he's like you see that and I was like what and then I saw it and I was

like oh shit and it was like kind of looking like it was going to come towards me and I was like but it is a big motherfucker but they're not that big as the ones in Texas, so I wasn't like too super terrified. Are you from New York originally? Indiana originally. You didn't really have any rats or anything like that. We got a rat in Texas called the Neutral Rat,

and it's like a, what, it's like the size of like a... It's an invasive, I believe. It's like a tiny beaver. It's like a muskrette. It's that big. Yeah, they're like the size of small dogs. It's like closely related to like a muskrat or something like that,

but it's from Asia originally, I think. Where do you guys get these like infestrian? because we need to get them in the subway here. It's like water places. It's not like in people's houses and stuff. No, no, yeah, they're like in ditches and sewers and stuff. But the ones here are Norway rats.

And, you know, it's so they're all up in the house and stuff so it's not ideal. I mean, if it's not in your house, who cares really? Sure. But there was actually, oh, I forgot to tell you this.

There was this guy who worked with us as an exterminator over the summer so funny dude it turned out he killed two people oh my god yeah he's a really good yeah but it's funny because like they had me be they had me do exterminator work against my will for a day oh they were like you're gonna go kill rats and I was like I don't want to do that and they're like well it's what we have on the schedule so I had to go like gas rats with this crazy Chinese guy this old Chinese guy I really didn't like it at all and I was like you're really gonna have to find so I'm not I'm not doing that again you have to find somebody else to do and they did find a guy and then like uh his name was hercules wasn't it well yeah i didn't

i'll bleep it i'll bleep it it's sorry but but i don't know his last name and i can't find any record of him anyway but it was it was a it was a tall skinny guy and a swat team like came and got him at work apparently i wasn't there but but his supervisor like they talked to his supervisor and his supervisor had to be like yeah come around the corner real quick and then a swat team was there to get him oh my god yeah but that had to be like the best rat killer of all time he was probably just grabbing them and biting their heads off and shit who knows and i was like well who did he like to kill one person right it's like oh maybe there was like uh an old feud or whatever like gang related thing self-defense maybe he killed two people so i was like so what's the

killing two people, right? And somebody was like, oh, it was both of his roommates. Shit. I was like, oh, you didn't tell me about that part. Yeah, I was like, I was like, you told me, yeah, you didn't mention that. That's crazy. Yeah, he just had two roommates and killed them both. I think it was a guy and a girl.

Oh, my God. Why? Were they just not doing the dishes? I would, my guess would be, you know, maybe he owed the money or something. And, you know, they were feuding over that. I would say a lot of times money stuff, but the thing is, I can't remember the guy. You can't remember what it look like or anything about him?

No, I don't remember ever seeing him, but if everybody else I talked to the work was like, you don't remember that guy? And I was like, nah, I mean, I don't remember him, but yeah, killed two people apparently. Which never ideal, especially because they're probably, he was seasonal, so they're probably not going to hire him back next year. For sure.

You know, he's probably going to lose his. Probably going to be in Rikers. What is this guy going to do? I don't know. And now he doesn't, now he's the only one on the lease, too. No, he can't pay his rent all by himself.

I guess he'll just have to live in jail. Whenever I was, like, 10 years ago, I was in my real early 20s, like from time to time, I would, like, sell drugs,

like, you know, make his meat or whatever, but I was small time. I was never really, like, big, big time. And, uh,

my roommate was short on rent. And, uh, he was like, hey man, can you hit up your plug mic and see if he would like front me a quarter ounce of cocaine? I'm going to go sell it and then I'm going to, so I can pay my rent. And I was like, this guy that I'm talking about, my roommate was like not trustworthy. I mean, we're all drug addicts and drug dealers.

So like who's to trust, right? But even amongst the damned he had a bad reputation, you know? Yeah, yeah. And so I call the drug dealer that I know. and explain the situation to him and he's like oh yeah for sure a bit because like I've always I never did the guy dirty and so he fronts my ex-rmate

like I don't know how many grams of cocaine and I drop him off at this bar we used to go to that was kind of like the back patio was like an open air drug market it was an open secret like the cops knew about it it was one of those things where it's like it's contained to this area there's never really any crime crime like no violence so we'll just look the other way

and he comes home at like five in the morning just like eyes like this oh and i go cliff bud what did you make did you sell he goes bro i did all of it oh my god i did all of it and i was like cliff what and he was like dude i did all like i just like i was giving it away to girls like i just got fuck dude i fucked up he was like what do you like what do i think a bit like a big time cocaine dealer's going to do to you i don't i don't know and so like two three weeks goes by mike he's like ignoring this guy's calls Oh, my God Eventually he calls me

And me and him were always chill He goes He was a Malibu's most wanted guy That's the kind of As we, they had a word for it We don't say it on the show anymore I try not to say it But

The W word The W word The W word The W bump And uh We're hanging it up in the rafter We're hanging it up Yeah like a jersey

He goes Hey bro Hey I fuck with you Like you know you're my boy But like Cliff owes me like hell of money and like I know where you live so like if you could just like tell him to return my call so I don't got to go over there bro

like that would be super chill and I was like I'm like 23 like I just graduated college like I was like my life is my life was spiraled out of control really quickly like not even in a funny like it's it was funny to me now but at the time he was like and but the but the way he said it was like what made me laugh because in the movies it's like the mom guy's like Hey if you don't want my money by Thursday I'm gonna break your fucking legs He was like

Yeah man I don't want to have to come over there And like kill you guys So like if you could just He was not to me He's like I don't want to have to come with there And like beat the fuck out of him And like come in your house you know like He was doing his courtesy

Yes he was being nice He wasn't gonna actually hurt you though No he wasn't gonna hurt me But he was gonna come in my house Sure He was just like So dude I like hang I was like I'll take care of it

I hang the phone But I went inside, I was like, Cliff, you need to find a way to make $1,000, like, by the end of Friday. Or, like, I'm pretty sure Mike's going to come over here and beat the fuck out of you and, like, breaking the house and steal shit. And he, like, I don't know, I think he, like, sold a bunch of his guitars and stuff and made it work. But it was, like, like, six months go by and I don't hear from that drug dealer. And then one day, he, like, I guess he's knocking the door and he, like, rolls up in the house. In the out, out front is this purpled out, like, old late model charger with, like, the underglow, purple wrap. interior was purple like it was all purple and he was like hey what's good and I was like

Mike where you been like come on the side is there come inside we're like drinking beer doing drugs and like where you been man he's like oh I got locked up for slanging man yeah I got locked up and I was like oh when did you get out and he was like today and I was like who's car's that and he's like that's mine and I was like bro they're gonna the IRS is monitoring your shit bro you went to jail for trafficking drugs and he was like yeah and I was like how'd you buy that charge or he was like I had some money Put away and I was like Mike you're going back to jail He's like nah they won't notice

Dude he was in jail like two weeks later Oh no He's he was really stupid He was like I was like the first thing you did when you got out of jail for like Trafficking narcotics and tax evasion is you bought cash Like a murdered out like a purpled out charger He was like yeah that because that's how I live And then just immediately went to prison again

For like fucking 10 years He was awesome dude Is he out yet or is he still? He might actually actually be out now. This was in like 2016. The thing is he seems really nice. Yeah he was a really good guy. He was one of those guys where you could tell like

like just I don't mean it to be like cynical or like depressed to be like not a lot of hope for the guy. Like he was just born into a really like you know we traded story war stories whatever just bad situation but to become like the noble wigger like sorry the noble malibut like

like like like to become the like the sagely Yes Oh, enchanted one Yeah, yeah What you come over here

talking about You come here On the day Of my aunt's Happy birthday You come here on the day Of the Steelers Playoff

Yeah, yeah You come to my crib And you bring white bitches The De Niro face I fucking You got white bitches Bitches in my above ground pool. Nah, for real.

That's fucked up, you know. You better get out my Durango right now. You better get out of this Dodge Magnum and walk. You get the fuck out my cul-de-sac. Get out of my town home. Get out of my above-ground pool and watch the ladder. Get the fuck out of this lake house. Dude, like, grown up white trash, I was like, when your buddy got an above-ground pool, you were like, damn, class traitor motherfucker.

Like, I remember I would go, like, hang out of my buddies above-ground pool and be like, fuck, damn. And I'd be mad at my parents for, like, doing everything they could just to put food on the, that's what. Dude, I told Thomas, we first started doing this show, like, I, like, I have a, I have a, I think I have a rich, evil guy's spirit sometimes because I remember when I was a little kid, like, before I could even know what things were. go to a friend's place with a pool and I would come on I'd be like tell my mom like you to fucking get your life together what the fuck is it what a hey how come we don't have an above ground pool with a spider man floaty all we got is the pool you get from Walmart that you like fill with a water hose and you're like my dad would just sit in it drink beer all day like that was that was what we got and she's like well you know I work at sonic and I'm 19

years old I was so close to being one of those guys yeah lister guy I really wanted it to be, but it just wasn't really, it didn't really make, it too. It wouldn't be authentic for me. I wanted it too bad, you know. I think you have to, like, really. I used to, like, collect old, like, Reebok basketball shoes. Oh, you're almost a sneakerhead type, type guy. Yeah, yeah.

I would, I'll be wearing, like, old Alan Iverson shoes that have, like, big baggy sweats on and stuff. I'd, like, pull up in my old Toyota listening, like, I'd be listening to, like, I'd be listening to, like, underground Dallas rap and stuff and I'd be like what's the word it was good you were trying to be the noble one yeah the sage one you're like yeah I read books too I'd be reading books and the black friends I had in college would be like hey Thomas so I was just watching Mac and Devon go to high school like what's good man like yeah we got to create soon we got to collaborate yeah I've been like working on this album and like what's this

out me it's like kind of a class conscious like thing man we got a link and build yeah man trying to put you on yeah I'm trying to his life is way better than yours

and you're telling him I'm gonna put you on one day bro we gonna I remember one time I was I was buying weed oh my God and I was kind of you know I had my outfit on

and everything and this dude who was way cool with me answered the door or whatever and I was kind of you know I was like hey what's good man

And he was like, that's good. And his toddler son ran out completely naked. And it threw me off of my, it threw me out of my cool mode. So, where I was like, ow. I like Dave Chappelle, white guy voiced an accent. And it was like I, I was like, I blew my cover. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I was like, oh, hey, hey, hey, hey, buddy.

It wasn't even his son. Yeah, I never smoked weed again. This guy's a fat. This guy's white. Get him. That's not what it looks like. No, no. Yeah, you're a cracker.

Dude, my little brother, he used to do this thing when he was a real little kid. We moved into this house, and the previous owners had put a trampoline in. Nice. So, you know, it came with the house. He didn't take it with him. And my brother would get on the trampoline and jump on it, like, ass naked when he was, like, three years old. Okay. And I don't know why he just.

I don't know why he did it. He just did. And I remember. one time the neighbor Oh you Me doth protest Tell me more I remember the neighbors

Our neighbors to the right Had like a pool And they were like They were like grill pill Redneck Dad And then like you know Blonde smoke show Texan wife with like kids

And so I never saw it But I imagine it from their perspective They would be grilling And listening to fucking You know Florida Georgia line and whatever, and then over the fence line

they're just seeing a naked four-year-old boy like peeking over the fence going, hello, hello, it was just his fucking four-year-old ass and nuts. So my dad was home, like, he would stay gone for a while and he would come home, and that weekend he was home. He had been on a bender, so he was like not having it. So the fucking neighbor comes over, like,

and he's like, hey, um, man, I don't know how to say this. your boy the young one my dad was like jaden the guy goes yeah you know me and the wife and the kids we're grilling and you know it's saturday man i just your boys on a trampoline with his with his little pecker out i just wondering if you could i know it's your house but if you could just tell them to at least put some dang underrooos on or something my dad looked at him and was like

my boy wants to jump on trampoline with his pecker out he's going to do it till the fucking cow's come home you understand me and, like, got the guy's face. Like, the dude, my dad was out of line. Like, like, because I totally understand where the guy's coming from. Yeah, like, because, like, also, like, my dad never really, like, came to art to feel like he was, you know, kind of a shitty guy. But, like, he, in that moment, I don't know why he was like, hey, my son wants to do backflips with his asshole out, my four-year-old boy, you're going to have to sit there and then fucking watch a tent. Because I ain't going to tell him to stop.

It's his house, too. I fucking, I live here. And the guy was like, hey, man, I didn't want to no trouble. It's so sick. And then, dude, sure enough, like, I go outside to the backyard with my dad to smoke a cigarette. And my fucking brother's, like, doing front flips and shit, just ass naked. Your dad's like shirt on you. Yeah.

Oh, man. That's my damn boy. Dude, and I'm, like, from our patio, like, from the little patio area, like, towards the far end, I could see just over their fence line because we, like, our back, the corner of our back here had had. like a little slope to it and I can see him do it and I could see the guy just flipping the burgers and just just just just his eyes were just just on the grill and his wife was like just said honey do you need a beer there just eyes down and their kids were in the pool just looking like nowhere in my dad's just like drinking the beer like you pick now like this is the hill you die on like this is where you come to your kids to hey oh yeah if my son's dick is

out and the sun's up you're gonna have to wop my ass you're gonna have to fuck kill me he probably rode that high for weeks oh yeah did yeah yeah that's victory yeah yeah yeah I won my family back this weekend I made a stand yeah just like in the movies yeah honey I told him off yeah I told him what's uh we that was a bill we had like a Hatfield of McCoy situation after that for a little bit with them uh mostly just my dad and the other dad but you know the other dad was just normal and nice like and my dad was not so if you don't get your son back on that trampoline

We're going to have hell to pay. I'll kill you, motherfucker. I've noticed your son's been on the trampoline with all his clothes on. Packer just tucked in there. You know that ain't good for him. He needs to let it out, get some son. It's July. What's he got the sweater on for?

Oh, man. He's over there cheering him on. Yes, son, do backflip. Show him your asshole. Is he on summer vacation? or not. I'm using up all my PTO. To watch my boy do backflips with balls out.

He's going to make the gymnastics team this year one thing or another. Yeah, she was funny. My mom was like, David, you know, maybe we could just tell him to put some shorts on. Fuck, no. That's so awesome. Your mom was like, that's your totally reasonable regret. Well, because, like, because I thought about it, like, as an adult, I was like, yeah, I mean, like, I know it is our property, but, like, that's just, what do you, it's Sunday, you're listening to your favorite band. You're making burgers for your son and your daughter and your wife.

And then you just, you just, you just keep seeing a, like, boy's butt. What, first of all, I thought later on, I got older, I was like, I wonder what that guy thought. What kind of family lives next to me after my dad threatened him? Oh, yeah. Because it's like, okay, not only do they do they, they have a naked boy that's outside. for hours at a time with no adult supervision the one adult in the house

who seemingly is there rarely is an incredibly psychotic violent man who do I live next door to you know That's the guy from squid billy's Yeah yeah

Early Kyler he's the main yeah My dad was early Yeah yeah That's perfect Dude I love that show I'm surprised it I'm like So funny

Dude I know that the fucking The guy that did the voice The guy that did the voice End up being like an asshole Surprise surprise whatever but like dude one of my favorite shows he's it's so cancel culture right man yeah that's right we're taking a stand on this podcast right now bring back uh i don't know who's canceled recently run a job i don't know

and justin roland did nothing i'm gonna bring back to real rick and morty dude those um accusations were like i remember being like oh like oh this got blown out of proportion at first because before the screenshots came out i was like oh what he like sexed a fan or something, and I didn't have the full story. So for like two weeks, I was defending him. And then you did these great shots like, oh no. It's like, R, I'm the rape pirate.

You're a kid. I'm yum, yum, yum. I do Rick and Morty. Morty, I've been texting teenagers again, Morty. Oh, Rick, you shouldn't do that. You shouldn't hate your girlfriend. Rick, Rick, Rick, why are we listening to brand new in the car?

Shut up, Morty. We're listening to Emo now. the devil and god are raging inside me morty uh yeah i remember dude i did the same thing uh like with the brand new guy i would go i'd be like hey guys let's just wait to the story comes out and they'd be like the story's out and i just would be too lazy to read about it and i did it with justin roland i was like oh man you know like

it might just be like a witch hunt thing it seems like he just like because like there in a band that i listened to where like it ended it did end up be it did ended up being like a not a true thing and so i was like let's just wait All the facts are out, and I had not seen the screenshots. So there was, like, a two-week period. And then, like, after I saw them, I was, like, going to each friend group that I had done the, that I'd been like, hey, chill. And I'd been, like, so I saw him. You were right.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. He was literally doing, like, Zoinkies sexting with this teen girl. Like, show me your bozoing. Like, oh, my God, it was bad. I was like, no, no, we can't have that. It's like before and after you watch the entire Michael Richards set at Laugh Factory. Yeah, and you go, oh, maybe he just did a bad joke, and then you watch you, like, oh, my God.

He had a mental breakdown. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I remember watching that and being like, oh, I, out of, like, within context, it's worse. Oh, yeah. Yeah, because he was just like, you know, I'd completely lost his mind. I can't see that.

Allegedly, we haven't, we don't know. We don't know. I was watching it recently, and he tries halfway through the breakdown. We could edit it out, this is probably not that good, but I just thought it was really funny. He tries to go, like, Carlin mode before everybody starts to get up and leave

and he's like, see how everybody gets upset with these words. Oh, dude. He's like screaming the end when to the guy. Dude, the guys who do that in Austin, like... Okay, you're proving my point. Yeah, it's so funny. Just as I suspected.

The only reason Carlin was able to do that was because he was also like a crazy smart guy. Yeah, yeah. And like read a lot. Like, there will be guys in Austin who were like, Like, we'll do the, like, oh, a couple of words. But, like, you can tell they've never even thought about anything in their lives. And it's so funny to watch them, like, try to be Hicks, like a smart comic, like, try to, and you're like, and you're like, and you're like, and you're like, oh, you don't know, like, what anything is.

So it's not landing. How's Austin? I mean, you, you, have you done stand up there, like, a long time? So I live, I've lived in Austin since 2012. Oh, cool. But I, uh, I bounced back and forth between Austin and this set. to city between Austin and San Antonio called St. Marcus. Cool.

And, uh, yeah, that's where I most, I mean, that's, I'm just in the, you know, the scene there or whatever. And it's, it's, it's fine. Like, it's, like, you know, it's clicky like any scene or whatever. But a lot of, we and Tom was talking about this yesterday or Thursday, like, a lot of the, like, oh, the Austin thing. Like, it's popping. Like, people are, like, audiences are, like, kind of getting, like, like, everybody is, like,

the way you get fast tracked is, like, being, like, gay guys i don't know and then like but everybody's just getting tired of it even like people who that's for so it's just it's gotten this isn't funny it's just me bitching but it's gotten better for sure um and and i think people are also moving back which i think they should not that i don't want people to live in the city but like austin is hot and gross like i was to tell him thomas like i'll meet people who are like they'll move to austin from like san diego yeah or like a place that's just got like beautiful weather And they're like, why is it 110 degrees here year-round?

Like six months out of the year? There's also straight up not enough water there. There's not. For it to be a big city. Like the springs are like drying up and stuff because they're just pumping the shit out of everything. The aquifers that have like never ran dry in like the history of human, like human kind are like at 30% capacity. Because we flow a lot of the lower Colorado river water to this farm that raises cows. that are then flown to Saudi Arabia

to be fattened up and eaten by the oil princes there. Holy shit. Yeah, it's a big thing in Texas. So Saudis will buy up a bunch of ranch land and then feed their cows with like spring fed kudzu which like makes them really fat.

Kudzu is like an invasive plant species. Anyway, a bunch of like there's like water conservation problems now in Austin and a bunch of people like why are we giving all of our water to Saudi Arabia and then you realize oh they own half the city. Like a lot of they're doing the same thing in Austin that they're doing here

where they're treating the housing market like speculative stocks where they'll just buy like a hundred floors of something and then just own those places empty and then like when the housing market goes up they'll sell it like a stock and make like you know 30 or 40 million dollars on it yeah it's evil yeah how they hurt like figured to do the reaad thing because of all the comedy in austin yeah yeah yeah a lot of that was organized uh by like the rogan dana white reaad connection yeah yeah

which like i get it i don't think i would go yeah like I what what made me feel weird about it is like I would get it if one of us went because it's like all right it's half a million dollars yeah I don't have that but like guys like burr and them going like you're millionaire that's so weird what are you doing did bert crusher go I don't remember I'm probably I like to think that the Saudis treat bert Chryser like one of their own bears or chimps because I see the videos of like turkey al-sheek with him and he was looking at Bert like Bert's an animal he like pointed him and he'll like point at him and he'll go, ah, blah, and then, like, say something in Arabic to the other guy, and they'll point

and they'll go, they'll, like, lower their glasses, and Bert's like, come, and then all the Saudi guys are, like, they're laughing at them, like, the way the Russians, like, laugh with the bears that they train, like, they're like, ha, blah, blah, like speaking, you know, their language, which is fine, and, uh, it's one of the most spoken languages in the world. Yeah, yeah, it's one of the most... Arabic, nobody knows what the fuck that is, but, you know. Blah, blah, blah, blah, who cares.

I'm so jealous Like his career I've always wondered Like he's in his 50s How long can he keep that up Dude I hope he keeps it up till he's 85 I hope so So shirtless drinking beers

Yeah doing drugs Four heart attacks Yeah Because it's like you can't You can't back off that now No dude It's crazy I love the idea of him

Becoming sober And then becoming the greatest comic That's ever lived Like alcohol was holding him back And he's become This fucking genius This unbridied Yeah, yeah.

Have you heard this Burt Crusher God bit? Yeah, yeah. Burke Croucher's been doing stuff about the Quran? Because there is like, it's not a 0% chance that he's a genius. Can you imagine that? Whoa. Yeah, you're right. He becomes, he becomes, yeah, I mean, he's clearly got something.

Imagine he becomes like a skinny, chic and like nobody even talks about Carlin anymore. They just talk about Bert Crimeon. Nobody talks about Bill Hicks. Nobody talks about. Dimitriotton or Richard Pryor. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Dude, you know he does cruises, right? The Chrysher cruises?

Yeah, I've seen those. I screenshot them every time I see the flyers because I love the flyers. It's always like... Oh, Jesus. So I saw the footage of one. They made like a documentary about one of them. Yeah.

And they had, like, the fattest belly flop competition and, like, Bert was the cruise director. And it would pan to the guys and they would be like, Bert, Bert, Bert, Bert. And he would, like, do a somersault or something. And then it would pan to the guys. the wives and they were all like they look like

World War II like they had fucking shell shock because it's like you're the wife of a guy who thinks Burke Chrysher's the coolest funniest guy in the world oh yeah like it would pan it like the camera would pan over to one of the women and they would be like they're just in hell their eyes are gone just dead

the horror yeah they have they have the fucking you know the meme of like the guy with like battle fatigue and he's like oh yeah a thousand yards stay yeah yeah they're just staring into that pool and they're like, I hope he gets a heart attack, I hope he drowns,

because then they can get the life insurance policy. Can you imagine how much that probably cost both of them to be on that cruise? Yeah, sometimes I think about that. Sometimes I think about when I see the pictures from the AVN, the adult video network convention where the go-go. Yeah.

And it's like, I remember Thomas and I talked about this, is like, okay, to get the black to VIP pass is like $1,000. Oh, my God. Yeah, and then to get the experience where you get to, like, touch and take pictures with the porn stars is like an extra 500. Oh, my God.

And then airfare, so let's call that $5,100. And then hotels for the full weekend, let's call that $1,000. You're in, to take a picture with a Bella danger, you're in like $4,000 or $5,000 territory. Oh, my God. It's a fucking steal. We're going to be like the Saudis is like, we're going to reserve all these passes now, sell them later when they're worth more. And we're going to make a lot of money. We don't understand that they expired.

I spent 40 grand on avian pests. is this year, and if in 10 years, I'm going to make a lot off that. I need to check one thing. I don't know how long this has been, uh, and make sure that the camera, y'all can still keep going. Okay, we're just keeping going, dude. Oh, yeah.

This place is so nice, dude. I appreciate it, man. Dude, this place is so sick. I can barely afford to live here, but is honestly sick to have a place to live. It really is, dude. It's sick to have a place to live. My landlord is not evil. Hey, that's good. That's nice.

Well, all landlords are evil, right, but mine is, like, pretty chill. that's that's that's that's facts yeah is he uh you know no oh okay he is not straight oh okay he's gay okay got you there are a lot of gay landlords in austin yeah you'll meet you'll meet the like maintenance guy and he's mexican and you meet the guy that owns the house and he's like hello and you're like oh they control everything gay guys they're like the they're the jews of new york or they've got it they're jews of new york it's favorite martin's christian movie and from my and for my next command alpuccino brooding over a bunch of

tax paperwork robert deno behind him was like we got to find the way to get these houses people moving out of them we got to get the blacks out of the neighborhood there's like fucking the morocone like music like the trumpet coming in me as the rolling stone starts playing as they figure out compound interest yeah you got harvey kytel spinning a dradle with blood covering on and he's like Let me show you how to really spend. And then it's just a montage of cocaine. Rayleigh, yeah, Ray Leota. I always knew I wanted to be a Jew in New York.

Ever since I was a kid, I wanted to wear a strimal on my head. Dude, I saw the Uber went through Williamsburg, and so many of the motherfuckers got the circles on the, the Rock. Yeah, it's a Hasidic community. No, I just, I thought those were for special occasions. No, they never uncover it in public. Yeah, and the women have wings. No, it's, no, even under the hats, they have a little thing in case their hat comes out. Oh, not the, I'm not talking about the hat.

I'm talking about the thing that looks like hair. It's like a big... Oh, no, that's only like married men who wear those. Yeah, so I saw like a bunch of those. I think there was a wedding or something. It's Saturday night, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, okay, that makes sense.

Yeah, yeah. Okay, that makes sense. I didn't, I had never seen... So they probably went to church today. Oh, nice. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I did. I'm a, you know, in law, Jewish in law, so.

Oh, there you go. Marrying in, that's there we go. No, I don't think it rounds up. I don't think you become Jewish by marriage. Hey. I also, I don't think I would be super interested in going to synagogue. Converting in my late 20th to Judaism. Yeah.

But, um, when Isla Fisher married. I don't think I would convert to anything. I mean, I don't consider my. myself to be a yeah you gotta feel it yeah i don't i mean i'm kind of one of those like if you become religious later in life you kind of have to whatever you were raised with just go back to that and it's less cringe yeah way like if you grew up catholic and then later you're like hey i'm catholic but i was catholic like my parents were catholic it's like okay yeah it's fine i guess that's cool with me it's like that old um yeah that was like that old post

that was like, you know, lifelong Catholics. Yeah, I think we should feed the poor, like, adult Catholic converts. According to the diocese of the second archbishop, we have to throw all gay guys into, like, a work camp. I've met people who, like, were, like, you know, in, like, the DSA sphere or whatever, who were like, yeah, I, like, converted to be, like, Presbyterian or something like that. And I would just be like, yeah, I don't think you have friends.

I think you should just make friends through some other way. Like, you don't have to pretend to believe something. how do you pick the denomination how is that like how do you i mean i guess i do stand up to hang out with people so maybe that's more cringe but i don't think so it's not as cringes it's less cringe yeah it's less embarrassing somehow i also think like there's a component if you think it's real then i guess that's fine it's still honestly a little bit embarrassing like why would you pick presbyterian or something i'm episcopalian you're making shit up yeah yeah i start with god yeah

I think if you're doing it, like, I think a lot of people who joined the DSA and other left-wing organizations 10 years ago did it to get pussy. Because that's always been a thing. Sure. You join a political movement, whether that be right or left-wing, to get pussy. Guys will be like, yeah, I'm a communist. Yeah, I'm a trad guy, you know, whether or not they believe it is irrelevant. A lot of them just do it. becoming Catholic to like fuck a girl with bangs you don't got to become Catholic to do that

you can just you can just like get it just become a girl with bangs yeah that's a lot of guys do that yeah yeah yeah yeah you could just get a dangly earring like you don't I like to think St. Peter like at the gates of heaven he's got this book and he's like oh

yeah nice volunteered and fed the poor pretty good oh oh converted to Catholicism in 2022 nice nice nice nice Oh converted to Catholicism to get pussy

from a girl with bangs Yeah sorry That's can't let you in Yeah can't do that You gotta go to hell Forever Trying to get pussy Yeah yeah

In the name of my savior No sorry bud You're going straight to hell For that one But you get to hang out With Kurt Cobain Who is for sure in hell Yeah that's where other cool people are

Yeah Bill Hicks was saying I don't know if that's true I remember hearing that bit And thinking like I bet that's like if if it's real it's got to be true there's also bad guys down there

but like it's also like Hitler and John Wayne Gasey yeah yeah yeah but like also like I remember one of the reasons I like stopped believing in God was like not for all the suffering and tragedy in the world but like I was raised in a church that like oh all of your family is going to be in heaven and I'm like my like racist uncle and his

like wife that like hates me they're going to I don't want to be up there like how big is heaven do I got to run into him? Yeah it sounds like a whole thing yeah I don't want to my cousin who like fucking like kills stray animals and shit and it's like a complete psycho but goes to church and they forgive him

like we're he's gonna be there he kills stray animals did he? I've got a weird family yeah yeah I've got like a like a couple people that I'm related to are like he converted to it so yeah yeah yeah I've got like a one of those weird like converted to Satanism

and kill animals it's not too kill it was to get pussy but he has to kill animals a lot now he doesn't really that's that 7664 shit that's how they'd be getting pussy is joining the satanic Accelerationist cults. Seven, six. What's that?

Is that like six seven? No, it's Six, seven, six four. Six, seven, six four. No, it's like, uh, there's like an online, like satanic cult where like kids kill themselves and like film themselves hurting themselves and stuff. Oh, my God. It's horrible.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. 17. What was that? Are you can't? Seven, six, four. 17. Nice. Add it up.

So 17. Divide that up. And let me know. Divided by what? Divide it up, dude. 17, 7, 6, 4, 17, 17 again, Zach Ephron. Okay, now we're talking. Now we're podcasting for real.

Now we're talking. It all circles around to Zach. Dude, I like that Zach Ephron and his, what is that, Ironclaw? Yeah, I haven't seen yet, but I like the, I like his new look. He's good. Well, yeah, he looks. He looks insane. I love it.

That's exactly, if I was a celebrity, I would instantly do that to myself. Sure. Just look like a closed fist. Yeah He looks like an anime character Sure He doesn't look bad Is the thing

Anime characters look good He does kind of look like the Chad meme guy Where it's like his proportions are too perfect So they're like Like it doesn't make much sense I don't know Like whenever you see a millionaire Billionnaires like Aister with like the chicklet

Veneers Like the ones that are shock white I'm like those don't look like real teeth So it's got to be a status thing That's how that's my theory Is it like these Cyrus just got new ones They look crazy

No she just got new She replaced them with smaller ones Oh okay okay I was gonna say The other ones Back to Um Normal

She finally looks like a waitress again She like Instead of like an old Like trailer trash grandma Yeah Wow great I feel like Yeah doesn't Tony Hinchcliff

I was like really White veneers They're crazy I don't Oh are those Does he have veneers now I think it's like The front four

Or like Or, like, crowns or veneers. Yeah, I won't judge too much because, you know, who knows, someday we might all look like. No, it's so crazy nowadays. You can't say anything on podcast. What if that does just happen? It's just eventually you just don't even think about it. And then 20 years from now, we're just doing that.

My teeth are going to fall out. It's genetics. Like, my family has really bad teeth, so I'm just waiting for it. I'm going to come to do live shows with Thomas one day, and I'm going to have a big ass set of white chompers. Just like, yeah, if you ever made fun of anybody who had these, kill yourself because actually they're cool um

yeah it's it's honestly it's so good to be here it's just like at times Cameron has huge teeth now his are crazy and he's like on Ozempig or whatever he lost a bunch of weight so he's like all teeth now it's like I mean he looks like

but he's funny he's also like aged well for the most part so he's just like a really young skinny guy with massive teeth but he does freestyle he has a show with Mace and he does like freestyles on it and he's like she like you could tell he's used to he's getting used to his teeth

still when he freestyles it sucks you know I didn't know Mace is like a MAGA guy it's so funny oh yeah I mean he he's like religious and stuff yeah yeah yeah yeah uh like it's funny that a lot of those old gangster rappers like I don't know how or why like they didn't go to jail like a lot

of the new ones do sure so they like just in interviews would be like yeah you know I was killing people and you're like what the fuck like boozy Like Lil Boosie should be in jail He keeps getting out I think I don't know I guess Louisiana

He's like a national treasure there I do think the judge just lets him off I mean he did beat a murder case already Like a federal Yeah Yeah and then like Attempted murder cases too He's like a serial killer

And he loves lean Dude you know who Lilboosie is right Yeah Yeah the rapper from Louisiana One of my favorite videos of all time And I think maybe even one of Thomas's Is a little boozy is at a sorority party in LSU

and he's at LSU and he's performing and the camera's on Boussey and they're at a club and a little Boussey goes Who want Bousie to come to the sorority later? And then it pans back to the audience and it's a

sea of white girls and they go yeah and then it pans back to Bousie and he like gives the most like evil psychotic he goes like Little Bousie's coming to the sorority later and like all of his boys behind him that are like he his come up boys like the dudes that came out the mud with

them or whatever like they don't have jobs they're just his like security and his brothers you just see them all like start jumping like little kids on christmas because you know they're going to the sorority too and it cuts back to the white girls and they're like yeah like i was like it literally looked like like a pirate found like a big thing a treasure the face that boosie made he was like he found a big gold diamond yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah huge chunk of like yeah like ruby who want boosie at the sorority house I was like dude he like openly

he just cheats on every like baby mama it's just I'm like God bless you believe that You think you know a guy Boozy badass He kill these people but like You think you respect it Yeah yeah

Well doesn't Canello I think has like six kids From like five different women too But that's a Mexican thing You know We don't know We don't know Sorry Adam

I think it's interesting when someone has like six kids with five different women Because one of them, he might have liked a little bit more Yeah, yeah, yeah Yeah Well, me and Thomas have talked about like, dude, The funniest thing in the world is when you work with a guy Who is like, like, you work with like, I don't know, Like a Puerto Rican guy or Hispanic dude

And he's like fat out of shape, like balding And he don't make much money But he has a girlfriend and a family here And then he's got a family in Mexico And then he has a side piece also here that he doesn't have a family with and he's crushing and you're like

I remember when I work construction I'd be like damn like man I'm fucking I'm in a dry spell I ain't gotten fucking late in forever and like I would like the guy that I worked with and I like fix his forklift was this fucking

his Mexican dude he had like four girlfriends and like three babies and he looked like a goddamn bowling ball and he was just like he was an off putting like rude guy I'm like how are you doing this and he like Thomas said the same thing

he's like yeah every like ugly fucked up fat his band dude I work with has like seven girlfriends and they're all hot actually they're not all hot well it's because they'll just straight up be like hit please can I come fuck you constantly and eventually the girl is like actually right now I would like to have sex and they're like yes and then they immediately come inside and they make a baby I forgot about that you're they're constantly on the phone hounding went please let me fuck you can I come see you

Are you going to break my heart tonight? You know, stuff like that. Like, if you ever work in a kitchen with one of those guys, you know, the 17-year-old hostess or whatever, they're always like, are you going to break my heart again tonight? Are you going to go home without me? Oh, yeah. Dude, there's a-

Are you going to leave me back here all lonely? One of the kitchen guys at Ashley's old job, she told me all the time that he hit on her, my fiancé. And she told me that he started coming to work in the kitchen with a fucking bejewed Gucci belt buckle and he would be like

Ashley you see my belt buckle like just because in it like in his mind being like all right I know she's with this white dude but if I get the Gucci belt buckle come on

she's gonna leave him because now I got money now didn't work? No yeah she left for it no it didn't work and every time I would see the guy he would be like

hey and I like I know he actively is trying to fuck my girlfriend and she's like hey man I take it easy but you're right every day every single day she'd be like you know I you know that

I have me you know Esposa and he'll be like It's okay No it's okay It's no problem No problem I'm not responsible No for me Yes for you

I'm just a guy I'm just a little guy I'm just a little boy A little boy I'm tying I'm just a little guy jumping on a trampoline with my packer out. I'm just a tree or a boy. I'm a car.

You're so beautiful. You're so good when you get their food. Yeah. You grab the food. When I make the food and you grab it. When you grab the hot food from me. You got a tortica. Tortilla.

Tortita. You're so good when I make that salad, you're bringing it out. When you bring it out, I made it. I'm sick of Italian restaurant. They were good. Yeah, you're making tortillas for me. making tortillas and beans and nachos for you at the Italian restaurant please we really need that lasagna out it's a daily special today for you i make tortilla soup since you look since you look so cold

you're so cold since you're not in my arms so I made some tortilla soup instead of the food that they ordered instead of the Italian food that's a part of the menu you please have some pasta no for you not for you I made a macarita for you I wanted a peroni And an Italian I wanted the Nogroni No No we don't say

We don't say that work We don't say that work I get in trouble for saying I get in trouble for saying it All the time I am progresso just like the soup I made you I'm progresso

I am very progresso I love Bernie I am Episcopalian I am part of the SAC I love Mountani I vote Bernie

Hillary Trump Turned out Hillary wrong Wrong election Barney Barney Barney I vote for Barney Barney Sonder He's so purple

Barney Sardors Barney Sardins He was pretty good I told you about It was pretty good praises Chicago this drunk guy It's probably like 18 or something He tried to like break into my friend's car

when we were sitting outside on mushrooms just kind of like watching it happen and my friend just walked and like tried to get him to you know just got up and be like don't do that and then he like leaned his whole body out was like sorry i'm retarded mine and that was a mushroom so that was the rest of my day yeah yeah we went to go see furiosa and i was like are we going to furiosa that's awesome sorry man i'm retarded dude dude honestly beautiful not even like hey i've been having a hard time or like hey i'm hungry I'm retarded, man I ain't retarded Sorry, man I'm retarded That's awesome He just goes to the next car

I'm retarded I'm sorry I'm sorry Like someone's gonna go Oh I totally forgot You're retarded He's got a signer on his neck It's like I can steal

I'm retarded He's got the From Joker The little like Business card Yeah yeah It says don't worry I'm just retarded

I can steal for you I mean, that's a pretty good excuse One of the guys I do a lot of the episodes with I'm in Austin, he's kind of like the honorary guy He went on tour with us, his name's JT He has an entire story he tells It's so funny, I can't retell it because it happened to me But he tried to get out of jail

He got caught stealing food When he was like near a homeless And he tried to get out of it by pretending to be deaf Oh my God And so he was like, I know how I'm sorry And like he knows sign language oh my god kind of because his like cousin's death and so he would like was like and he would figure like started signing and he figured like oh the manager is going to feel bad for me yeah and then

the police is going to they're going to feel bad for me and they're going to let me go no they took him to Travis County jail and then put him in with like all the because like they they have an area for people with disabilities but it's just an area for crazy people and like deaf people and blind people so he's just fully in there like and he was like so at this point I have to give him a fake name like I got to go all the way so he gave them like a completely fake name they search it up that doesn't exist and so the cop comes over to him and is like so um when you're gonna start telling me the truth man and j t's like all right but he said like this is he tells it better than me obviously because

it's this story but like it's like over the course of eight hours being in the jail eight hours I promise you my name my name and you look at my name and then eventually the cop's like all right hey look man I'm pretty sure you're not deaf and he goes yeah uh you got me I was just hungry I just didn't want to go to jail You got me Fair enough Yeah yeah I just went for it

I love that shit And then did they just let him out Oh they were like He like ended up just going Like getting a charge for theft or something He didn't like He got charged with armed robbery Yeah yeah yeah

Yeah Because he had like a knife with him He had one of those baton things on him Oh my God But it ended up getting Yeah He said that he got like an unrelated head injury And was actually partially deaf for a little bit

his lawyers used that. Yeah, he got a curb stomped. Holy shit. Like American History X'd. Yeah, yeah. Broke his jaw in like six places. Oh, yeah, yeah. I remember when he told me this.

I was like, what were you doing? And he was like, oh, you know, I'm just selling heroin. Or like doing heroin. I was like doing open. That didn't happen to me. He was like, yeah, it's been a strange life. Yeah, they like, bite the curb and they like stepped on his head. Oh.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. How does that not kill you, though? I feel like that would just take you out. I think like it almost did. I think he like he like he like it like, like it like, like I think it like almost nicked an artery or something like one of his bones did but like he he just basically had his jaw wired shut for like a really long time like ate through a tube but he was like yeah his jaw was broken in a bunch of different places he we were talking about like telling inappropriate stories because his wife is like kind of like mine and like you know it's like very normal doesn't know what this side of the world is or whatever and he said uh we were doing the show and he was telling a story like it's like date three and they're all with her friends and he was like yeah so uh back Back when I used to sell H, a deal went really bad. And, man, I got beat up really bad.

And then they told me to bite the curb, and they stomped me out. I almost died. My job broke in six places. And all of her friends were, like, consultants at Deloitte. You know, and so they're like, um, uh, and then on the way home, he was like, my wife was like, um, babe, some people didn't live like that. You know what I'm like? Some people don't even that would, they could never in a thousand years imagine that.

happening in her life to anybody that they know. And JT, we were talking about, like, I do the same thing where I'll tell, like, what is to me, like a funny story and somebody will go, oh, my God. Yeah. And you realize, like, oh, you're a normal person. You're a normal guy that had, like, a normal upbringing, you know, whatever.

That's cool. I'm happy for you. But, like, it's a problem I have, like, all the live shows. Like, I get, like, eight beers deep, and I'll just start being like, you guys want to hear some fucked up shit, and people are like, some people are responsive to it. Other people are like, hey, man, I'm just going to go over there.

I'm just going to go over there. Jake's doing his thing. He's over there just talking to the wall. Oh, fuck. Do you want time of this, Thomas? We got, man. We got an hour and eight minutes. Oh, shit.

We should probably, yeah, because I don't have the better. Because of the battery. Well, plug your stuff. Yeah, do you want to plug your shit? Oh, shit. You got that run coming up. Yes. Thank you guys so much.

Yeah, yeah. So, January. January, I don't know where my phone is. Is this? Is this yours? No, it's. Is that it? I'll find your phone.

I don't believe so. I hope we can cut this clip. Oh, no, I got it. I'm so sorry. My bad. Uh, yes. So. If you message it to me and I'll like run it on the, I'll like make it on text on the, uh, on the YouTube.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. So I am going to be in Detroit, January 16th at independent comedy club. That's a great club. We just did it. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, it's fun. They were super sweet.

Do you have Brett Merester opening? Uh, huh? No, I, we, I brought a guy from a. Chicago. His name is Max Schenker. One of my best friends. He's in my chat. Oh, yeah, yeah, he's awesome. He's the best. And then I'm doing the Lincoln Lodge Saturday, January 17th. And then I'm doing the Comedy Vault in Batavia, January 18th.

Nice. And then I'm in Pittsburgh, 23rd for, it's called Handsome Man Comedy. Oh, nice. And then... Calm down. And then I'll be in Fargo, North Dakota, January 3rd. Hell yeah. Fuck yeah.

That's awesome. Well, thank you for coming on. Thank you so much. This was a lot of fun. Great guests. And thank you guys for listening to the show. Bye. Bye, Adam's stuff.

Bye, bye, bye.