Pendejo Time - white servant

Episode Date: January 16, 2026

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Hello, hello, your slave is here. Hello, it is me. Hello, hello, I am your servant. Hello, I'm helping you. I am here to help. Hey, yeah, so I download the task rabbit. And you were the first guy to come up and says you got five stars. It just said that you, uh, sorry, I'm Jake.

I served you. You're the help. It just said, your name just said the helper and it said you have five stars. So I figured maybe you'd be the best guy to help him put the couch together. I will give you all of my stores. Help me. Help me. I will do anything for you to serve you.

That's awesome. Master. What is your hourly rate? Nothing. I will give you everything. All I ask for is a place to stay and food and water if you have some. Oh, I mean, yeah, I mean, I... I have a family.

You can sell them. I really just need someone to help me put this Waifer couch together, man, it's really complicated, so I said... Waifer couch. It's probably very light. Okay, yeah, so I figured it'll take a couple hours and then

I can give you like 100 bucks and as far as the other... I'll give it back to you so you can buy more people like me. As far as the other stuff goes about like your family and stuff, I don't want to sell them. They're very strong.

strong and they're not very smart so you can take advantage of them you can even have kids with them if you want I don't want to have kids with your family man you can have kids with all of this even I am fertile

but I'm not desirable I'm fertile but not desirable I'm merely a I'm merely a fuck toy my body is useful but... Barren.

Not desirable. Useful but not desirable, fertile, men do not desire my body, neither two women. They only desire me from my tasks in my slavery. I'm the perfect slave. My slavery is amazing. I've maxed out my slavery.

Well, okay, so the couch is put together. It looks great. You were a great, I don't want to call you a slave. You kept asking me to call you slave. I will never sit on this couch. Okay, doke. See, yeah, so here's the money. I don't.

I see you, your kids are here as too. I don't want. They are yours. They keep asking. I don't. Take care of and to keep. You don't. And when they become older, you may.

Well, you may hit them. Frankly, you may hit them now if you would like. I do uh okay um they will not try to run away yeah they're very quiet is your last name Halliburton that is their last name okay I could just call them Halliburton one they will carry that no well I guess yes I guess you pick them names

Halliburton one and Halliburton two um please go fetch me a cold drink of water Yes, master Oh wow My kids Your children have amazing voices master Thank you so much man

I appreciate Now your wife She hasn't said much either I guess I don't I don't want to call her Halliburton 3 So I can I'll call her Mrs. Atmosphere Mrs. Atmosphere

Go to the nearest market And get me a ham Give me a thing of the Honey Big Ham Yeah Yes, master. Okay, beautiful. Thank you, atmosphere, Halliburton.

Halliburton 1 and 2. If you wish you may use her for breeding, but I, frankly, that may take me some time to deal with. Need an adjustment, period. Frankly, I would prefer not to know about that. I would rather you not, but you are the master, so. It's okay. I don't even know.

What do I call you? I guess I just call you. If my children turn out to not be white like me. Okay. Well, I'm white. So if they did come out, not white. I thought somebody else was... A player Tyrese Halliburton.

I misunderstood this game of ours. No. My name is John Halliburton. May I put your socks on, sir? Your feet are cold. Yeah. Yeah, absolutely. I kiss your socks and feet as I slip them on.

Yeah, that's great. Man, thank you. White socks. On your black feet, sir. Of course, of course. Yeah, thank you. Yeah, any, uh, any time. No problem.

And your LeBron, sir, shall I tie them? Yeah, please. Yeah, make sure they're tight. I don't want them slipping off. They're the perfect tiness for the master. Thank you. I appreciate you saying. Do you wish to beat me?

Uh, no, I didn't think a beating was due for today. Do you have any crops for me? me. Yeah, so I live in a suburb. I live in a normal house. So I don't have any crops, but I do have a garage filled with what I believe to be a lot of dead cats. I feed them, and they got into the antifree. So I need you go and then clean them dead cats up.

Halliburton 1 and 2, I guess, can sit here and watch Sports Center with me. And then atmosphere, I suppose. Lucky children. watching TV with Master and then atmosphere I suppose atmosphere does your wife have any anything she likes

does she like music she loves you now she does your bidding we are but slaves you forget nothing belongs to I yield my life to you I will go to hell if you ask

oh man I don't think That is why I have five stars on TaskRabbit. I have been released from slavery in the wills of every single one of my masters. Okay. I am one of the last white Americans born into slavery. And the only white American to willfully go back into slavery every time. Very sorry about the slavery.

It's okay I like it I can't speak For anyone else though Other than my children And my wife Atmosphere Atmospheric

Atmosphericing Okay let's see I'm gonna get her A painting set So she has something to do And then I guess for the kids Do you know their birthdays I just don't want them

You should decide that Let's have their birthdays Be on the same day And let's have them be tomorrow We can go to Chuck E Cheese you can you can stay here in the dark I'll turn all the lights off in the house and then you can stay in the dark

and don't move you're not gonna you cannot move an inch I will not I wouldn't unless you asked anyway I'm not moving right now do you guys have any paperwork IDs or we're gonna need to shred all that if you guys have any kind of social security

any way to prove that you are ever kind of a part of the system I'm going to need to see that, and I'm going to need to throw that away. I have a Klarna account that I have used for some of my slave clothes. My tunic. My tunic and my dirty sandals. That clarin is. Please don't test you.

I beg you, it's the only thing that I have. I am bound by clorna. Shit, man, I got to get my slave clothes, but I don't got money. I guess I got a clarn of my tunic. I had to clare to my shackles. Oh, I mean, my, my master sucks. He made me pay for my own shackles, buck. I had to clarn to my own shackles.

Yeah, I'm going to need to. Yeah, I start work on Monday. I'm a slave, so I got to go get my, uh, I got to get my tunic, my rough spun tunic. I got to get my, uh, my claw, my clog sandals made of wood, and I got to get my shackles. boss says i starts three a m sharp so uh my first day is what white slave under

the new blue injured servant seems kind of not that bad though um i don't want to say i don't think i don't think that that being a slave seems horrible with being an indentured servant uh that would be my shit back in the day i come to america we're for 20 years get fucked over have to work another

15 did i pass away I feel like I feel like most of my life is in indentured servitude in a lot of ways just keep getting tricked into doing the exact same jobs

for the same money and and then I'll and then that seems to be kind of a forever thing but that's okay but yeah did you do anything fun this weekend

Jake no not really yeah not really I don't know why you got into that in the first place. Not really. I've been really very doing a lot of working. And I went and did some stand-up and I talked to a comedian that we both know and a guy

who works for Tony Hinchcliff and they talked to me about Jews in a way that I didn't particularly was very confused at initially. I thought maybe that this was a joke. And then was it not. So I had to do that thing where you're, you realize you've been a part of a conversation that to other people, because you're a part of it, doesn't sound awesome. They could probably hear it.

So I said I got to pee and didn't come back. That was probably, that's pretty much it. Sometimes. Yeah, I did this stand-up set where the audience gets to, like, roast the comedians after. A lot of people said I look like the girl from Last of Us, but if she was uglier, which makes me feel bad for her because I think she's a teenager and I am a man in his 30s. Lots of people were saying that we look, it was uncanny. It was like, like, the whole audience, it was like maybe 50, 60 people there.

and pretty much 20 to 30% of the postcards that were put into the roast bucket said something like that. I didn't really think, it didn't really hurt my feelings. If you're telling me that I look like a teenage girl, I guess that means my skin's doing pretty good. Yeah, I wish I looked like a teenage girl. Or that she's not doing, maybe she's not doing good. And then I also guessed, I was doing a bit of crowd work. and I rolled the dice and guessed the ethnicity with the actual race of an Asian man

he was being racist towards other Asians and I didn't wasn't even doing an Asian joke I think he wanted me to do crowdward with him so I indulged him and I said let me guess you are one of those rich Koreans and it was a table full of white frat guys and him and they go bro you're right he was like yeah my dad

works for Hyundai he's one of the guys at Hyundai I don't even drive one of those I drive a Mercedes and and he I think they got him in New York but there's a lot of them in Austin where like a guy from South Korea

who comes here and all he wants to be is a white frat guy respect that the best way to I think think to assimilate if your name is like Park Chan something is to name yourself John Park, not John Pork, or Mike Park, and then start hanging out with a bunch of guys who do racist stuff to you, but then you can maybe work with them when you're an adult.

I saw it. I knew a bunch of my friends in college who did that, tolerated a bunch of casual racism, and now they're millionaires. Or not millionaires, but they've got high paying sales jobs. You just tolerate a little bit of casual racism from some guys who are balding at 22, and then you get to work pretty much cushy really good, good cushy legal job or like a sales job. Respect for guys who do that. If you're listening to this and you tolerate racism to move up in the corporate ladder of America

or the blue collar ladder of America, that's a big-time swag move. I'm white and I'm not even particularly good at tolerating. other white guys any kind of white on white gentle ribbing I don't really tolerate that not for any woke

or moral superior reason is just kind of annoying to me white guy says that you look fucked up or you look gay I'm like okay moving on only my friends can do that not my coworkers we're not friends I'll do you yeah I can

handle some ribbing, but I feel like the things that get on my nerves are sometimes I like don't. I don't know. Sometimes I like, sometimes I feel like something will annoy me and it'll just because it'll be because it's like not a good joke. That's what that's what that's what that's what actually get on my nerves is if something isn't good. Like a good quality roast of me. Yeah. I do appreciate that.

Like this guy. Michael Green had a really good one on me a few months ago where he said I looked like I could do a pose and stretch my hand out and a fedora would fly into my hand. That's pretty good. That was really good. And in a way it made my night because I was like, wow, that's like a, wow, that's like a, you know, you have to be seeing the world as it is to think of that.

You know what I mean? Yeah, you got to really be tapped in. Yeah. but if somebody's just like yeah you got your eyebrows like a caterpillar and it's like yeah yeah yeah it's like a

you know first off A they are but it's like it's just a surface level observation where it's like you could say you could just add a couple elements to something like that and make it make it good like I don't know yeah yeah yeah we used to do this thing

at the house called you know you could you could just, you know, think of a celebrity and think of, oh, you look like if this celebrity, you know, ate her own pussy and died or something like that. You know what I mean? Yeah, yeah. In a roundabout way, it might become funny, but I just don't like bad joke writing,

which is why I am the greatest comedian in the world. I go on the road with some of the biggest names. As I was saying all of that, I started blood started pouring out of my mouth. Yeah, man, I had a decent weekend, spent so much at the bar that the day of overtime I worked was fully canceled out by it. That, I love that. Just by blowing off some steam, I could have just had a two-day, well, I guess I did have a two-day weekend. I could have just, you know, it's all right.

I'm not going to beat myself up over it, but I'm not happy about the... It's nice to think about your... But I didn't really embarrass myself. I just, you know, I just got drunk and I should have checked how much the drinks that I was purchasing cost. You learn something new every day. Yeah, we talked about it on the premium, but for the free listeners, for those who don't subscribe, Um, Thomas Um

Fuck, I thought it was fucking Tuesday That so I was asking about your weekend No, this is Thursday We already did the premium For those two do not subscribe to this show Thomas was buying shots At a bar and did not know that they were $9 each And spent, uh, what was it?

A nice two hundo? Um, I spent, yeah, on that tab And it was a second bar and it was a second bar to Mm-hmm. Um, Mm-hmm. So that was amazing. And you might think, hey, not that crazy.

And you're right, it's not like, you know, I know people who will spend a lot of money, you know, and they go to a club and they get bottles and stuff. But I'll have you know I don't even, I would ever go to a club. I don't have enough money to go to a club. So that's why I go to dive bars. Yeah.

When I lose my ass at a dive bar, it is much more frustrating. because it's like 50 people max in there. Yeah. It's not like the social networking event of a lifetime. It's just a bunch of Milwaukee signs. You know what I mean? I'm not paying for this crazy experience in the first place.

I'm not drinking Don Julio with Druski. You know? God, I wish I was. I wish I was a fucking cozy corner, you know, taking shots with Drusky. But ever since he and Ruby broke up, he's been acting fake as fuck around me and that's just me being i know i know i heard about that yeah i tried to send him uh i had a seven xl marty's supreme jacket i did

um with a love note in the pocket yeah it cost me 1500 bucks just to ship it um i used an old box i had from a washing machine i shipped him a fucking free pendejo time sweatshirt but you know what i mean you just have to live and learn from these things. A lot of people are fake as fuck and especially in Hollywood, you'll know notice that. I was, uh... Wait, did I go off? Can y'all let me know in the comments?

Yeah, if I spat. I was thinking about... I was saying I went off. They're saying I ate down and I didn't leave any crumbs. Wait, there's a guy in the chat. His name is Rupert Greencuff. And he's chatting with us. Hey, Robert. Hey, I can type

with my voice. they hate this why is there a chat it's a podcast uh chat I'm in pain I'm nailed to a tiny

cross and I'm green this guy sucks he seems like a schizophrenic offshoot Chad get this guy out of here Chad get him out of here Chad

kick this guy I'm a reflection of your mind you've been losing control for a long time haven't you? Nothing is working out. I hate you. You put off dealing with griefs for so long that it's causing your body to physically fail.

It's literally causing your body to physically... I have green scales in a yellow belly. Just like you. You haven't properly dealt with the death of your father and you're 31. I look kind of like this, a skinny, unemaciated version of King Croc from Mario. And I'm crucified. I'm crucified with tiny rusty nails. You're taking expired weight loss drugs.

Everyone knows you're taking expired. Everyone knows, and they also know that I don't think that they have. I think they are actually expired. expired. They are having no effect on you. You have gained weight. You did your first injection of red of Trutide and then you... What did you text, Jake, that you ate?

Cookies, ice cream, a whole two old pizzas. I ate a lot. That was so funny, dude. I was cracking the fuck up. You were like, first day injections, red of Trutide. ate some cakes, some pizza, ice cream. That shit got me pretty good. Yeah, I don't know.

It was just in the fridge, so I figured I'd give it a shot. But injection number two, bent the needle real bad, still put it into my body. Kind of felt like a hook situation. Yeah. Did it into a freckle. I don't know if that'll cause harm. But so far, I'm not really sure if... Um, I had, I, I've been intermittent fasting, but then I've just been eating probably 5,000 calories as soon as the fast is over.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. So it's basically like, I'll be Nurkumet off. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, more like, um, I be jerking bed off. Mm-hmm. I'd be jerking my, I'll be jerking my, I'm not even really jacking off anymore. Overall, doing pretty well. On my left year, I have to hold it open to hear out of it.

There's both of us. Like, as, like, I did some awesome work at a homeless encampment today with 50 other guys picking up trash and weed whacken, so that was fun, help of the community out, off the side of a highway. And then, oh, I did get nasty in the kitchen last night. I actually made a good meal in the kitchen. last night. Oh, fuck. Let's hear about it, dude. Let's fucking hear it about that.

So, Eden was having a no point of day. So I tried to get fancy with it. I tried to step up, yeah. Asian rice with, like, sesame oil and, uh, I like cut up some green onions and stuff in there. Uh, some soy sauce and stuff in the rice cooker. And then I did. I got ground pork because it was cheap.

Um, oh. And I, like, cooked it fully. And then I put some oyster sauce and some date sugar in there, which is kind of brown sugar. And then let that caramelize. And then did a few rounds of that. Got it really sticky and sweet. And I put some go-chujong in there. And got it kind of like a spicy, sweet situation.

Put that over the rice. and then put a fried egg on top of that. Uh-huh. And then I cut some green onion up over that. But it was, it was Loki. It was, um, reminded me of something I get it like, uh, what's it called? The, um, the, like, Asian chain that's, like, fancy. P.F. Chang's?

Not the super. No, P.F. chain. P.F. Chings is a super fancy one. I've never actually been inside of one. but payway is right

that's like a step below P.F. Chang's right? I think payway is like Panda Express no. I was always told that payway was fancy P.F. Chang's was fancier

we were not a P.F. Chang's family and I've only been in payway with my mother. Yeah, payway is yeah, it's kind of like the BJ's brewhouse but for Chinese food.

I don't need to. hear that. People bring their families there. People go there after a promotion. Mm-hmm. It was like something you get a payway, honestly. It was good. Yeah.

I don't. By that I meant it was good. It was a good friend. That's good. I'm glad that you were able to. I'm glad that you're able to. Uh, my brother told me.

The introduction to Vietnamese and Thai food was payway. Because they had some of that there too. My brother worked at Pennets. I got, uh, I got like a chicken, coconut milk. curry thing for lunch oh my god i'd never really gotten like um tie curry before it's still this yoish bro yeah she was off the loop it's tasty sauce yeah yeah yeah it's delicious my new slang

yeah off the loop um yeah but getting go using black culture for a lot of stuff lately getting gooped up um yeah i don't uh easy easy I haven't had any... I haven't... I've, like, not eaten pork. Well, like, if... Okay. If it's bacon, I'll eat it, but, like...

My mom used to do the thing that, like... It's like a southern person thing where you just... You get a bunch of... You can get a bunch of the little mini pork chops. It's not a southern person thing. I think it might just be, like, a poor person thing, but... She would get a bunch of the little mini pork chops and then just bake the fuck out of them

with, like, absolutely no seasoning. Mm-hmm. And then... And you eat off that for a couple days. And so now it's like if it's not something boozy, like a, you know, like you go to like a phogod of chow once every five years because somebody has, it's like having a fucking, you know, anniversary or something and you have like a garlic parmesan

on encrusted porkloin or some shit. Other than that, I just really don't eat pork. No, I feel like I hadn't really been eating it. but ideally it would be cool to be like pescatarian, but lately I haven't been able to find tilapia in stores, like at all. I have so much of it, dude. I stocked up. Which is weird because normally I'll buy like the big frozen packs of tilapia.

Me, yeah, that's what I have. You can eat like 15 of those fillets, and there's like little hockey pucks. You can put them in whatever. Yeah. And they're kind of shitty, but you can make them taste all right. But they don't know they're so high protein. and then

what else I was on a salmon cake for a while but yet tilapia I don't know I haven't even been seeing it like I looked online at Costco

on Costco I didn't even see it on their website locally here I don't know if they all fucking died or what but um yeah the tilapia farms are really like

gross and uh um that was like my my when I was um big time fat fucker and I wanted to lose weight.

I used to make fun of my dad for his nasty ass tuna and pee and ranch dressing and romaine lettuce slop bowl. But I have a version of that that's just a bunch of like tilapia and cauliflower rice doused in HEB salsa. And then you put that in a big bowl and you eat that once a day and then you run like 10 miles a day and you can get him pretty good at cheese. shape doing that. You don't really feel good. Um, and there's nothing really romantic about it. Like, and by that, I mean like, oh, you know, my journey, my fitness journey. I'm going to make,

I'm going to actually make food for myself. I feel like you and me are on the same path when it comes to either losing or gaining weight. Like, we're on like the brutes path. Like, I have a couple friends who take their fitness, like, they're in good shape. And they took their, like, diets seriously and they cared about what they made themselves. They're very thoughtful. For me, when I'm trying to cut weight, it's a type of red goo slop. And if I'm trying to put on weight, the slop is usually brown. You know what I mean? Like, it's more of like a ground meat situation with like some cheese and potatoes.

And if I'm trying to cut weight, it's usually a fish with a type of red on it. And then it's just different types of slop for different utility purposes. Gain weight slop, lose weight slop. Jake's information corner If you really want to Lose some weight I cannot stress enough The importance of as Thomas mentioned earlier

The big ass nasty bag of tilapia Some people like Tlopia is a bottom feeding fish And the farms are disgusting Yeah that's fine That's not what we're talking about though We're talking about getting diced and shredded For the fucking season

Go buy a fucking And if you go to Walmart And you find a bag of fish A 30 pound bag of fish for $7 you might think, I'm going to message Jake. Jake, is it normal for a 30-pound bag of an animal to cost $7? The answer is no. It shouldn't.

It's simply too good of a deal. The reason it's too good of a deal is that that that tilapia did not really have a life that you would think of a fish having. It didn't swim. It never really got to experience even the lower level of sensation that a fish might get to experience. Like maybe surfacing every now and then or getting to see a coral reef. It was raised in a brown tank And then immediately shocked and killed

And it mostly lived its life blind And that's why it's $7 And there's a lot of mercury in them too You can get sick from eating a lot of tilapia So basically you're gonna want to Yeah Mercury from formed stuff A new year

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it's actually holding up way better than other coats I bought. before that were more expensive. Looks good. Keeps me warm. I didn't have to drop a fortune on it. And guys, refresh your winter wardrobe from Quince. Go to quince.com slash T-A-F-S for free shipping on your order and 365-day returns. Now available in Canada, too. That's Q-U-I-N-C-E.com slash T-A-F-S, free shipping and 365-day returns. Quince.com slash tafts. Well, they have like the wild-caught tilapia, but it's like, it's not really that much better for you.

I was eating the wild-caught tuna, H-E-B, wild-caught tuna before I found out that it's got a lot of parasites in it, and it's got a lot of mercury in it. I still be eating that shit. I don't give a fuck. Every time I see the salmon at H-E-B, I think of the Alex TikTok that he made that went viral, where he was eating the salmon, and there was a worm wiggling around in it, and then he played the, I'm going to eat it. Viral TikTok sound, I'm going to eat it.

And then he ate the worm and then ate the rest of the salmon. Which was very funny for me because I'm pretty sure we hung out that night. I was in town. That may have actually been the night of the bang, seltzer fiasco, which is a cherished memory of mine. All of us not really fundamentally understanding how to cook that much food. and then Alex brings over a 12-pack of not-drinkable alcohol and then we all drank it anyway because it made me feel funny.

I don't even think Bang makes those anymore. I was sad to miss out on that one. Oh, you were still sober, that's right. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. No, Bang doesn't make that much anymore because they got bought out. By who?

That's why you don't see them that much anymore. There's only a few flavors now. Did rain get bought out too? I feel like I haven't seen them in a minute either Where did they just get? I don't see them around much anymore They probably got bought out I had a white gummy bear

That's the goat That's the goat And in a bag of dots While I was driving the other night And that was my dinner Oh yeah Oh yeah You had 300 milligrams of caffeine for dinner

Uh yeah Yeah I had it around Seven you're able to get to sleep yeah I didn't I had to drive to Kingston and back oh that's right then

yeah that's right back around 1.30 in the morning went to sleep woke uh went to sleep around 2 2.30 woke up at 530 went to work oh oh yeah

that sucks that's no good but it's okay I only had one drink at the show so it was I was strategic oh nice okay that's cool I uh Because I don't drink a drive And I've never done it before

Which I feel good about it. And if it had happened, I would feel bad about it But thankfully it hasn't so Yeah, I haven't really done it recently I haven't really been doing it You really have an excuse to if you live up here I mean it's kind of like You kind of have to want to be a piece of shit

To do it in New York because Somebody at the show was saying that You can't be like there's no ubers tonight there's no trains they don't have

ubers tonight they just shut the service down yeah you got to be a dedicated 10 minutes away

yeah I'd better drive my car I better spend two hours in traffic drunk to get parallel parking

drunk you do not want to do that I used to crash into so many cars doing that and I just drive

away not so many I think I probably clipped maybe three or four in my day in my time in my career don't yeah

don't leave a note I want to go out on record don't leave a note if you hit somebody's car and you don't don't leave a note saying hey I don't have insurance

sorry just don't leave a note at all somebody did that to me they're like hey I hit your car but I don't have insurance don't need to know that I knew some somebody hit my car, there's a dent on it, you know.

I don't need the affirmation that you drive without insurance. By the way, that is an increasingly common thing, and I get it. It's expensive. But I take an inventory of my friends right now in my head. I do a little quick calculation. Over half of them told me recently that, like in the last year, they don't have car insurance anymore. They just raw dog it. My dad never really said it either.

Yeah, I'm envious of that. I got the cheapest insurance possible on the Kia. Because as it turns out, a Kia Stinger insurance on that, it's pretty not cheap. But anyway. Yeah, I would imagine it's one of the most sought-after cars in America. They are very, it's one of the, it is one of the most stolen cars. Yeah. It's like, you know, yeah, it's going to be tough.

I don't know, man. we have car insurance but uh it is a pretty big financial drain here enough to where it's like you know we've thought about i mean it's not my car but she's thought about getting um rid of ours but i don't know man um i'm also not opposed to i kind of fuck with the scooters yeah i yeah uh i feel like where you live like you like that's could be a vespa guy A lot of people have Honda Rebels here, which I think is the, it's like the, you don't need a license for it, but it's basically, or maybe I'm getting it, the wrong, no, no, that's actually a motorcycle, but not quite. Yeah, no, it's not called a Honda Rebel, though. I just Google it. The Rebel's an action motorcycle. I forget what it's called, but it's like the Honda scooter, I don't know, it's like.

It's like a scout or something? Yeah, you can sit on it. It kind of looks like a cafe racer, which is like, from my understanding, a gay motorcycle, but a lot of people have them around here, and you don't need a license for it.

But, like, people drive it around the streets and stuff. And you don't like need insurance. I think really's so cool, and now I don't, I don't really think that anymore. I wanted to get a motorcycle really bad like two years ago, and I asked Ashley's dad because he has an extra one, and it was willed to him by his best friend who died.

And I was drunk, and this is, you know, me and him have a really great relationship. We're good friends. He's an awesome guy. And I was drunk, and I was like, man, I really want a motorcycle. And he was like, yeah, you should get one. They're fun. And I was like, oh, I think you teach me to ride?

And he was like, yeah, man, I could do that for you. and then I was like, oh, you know, if I ride, if I get my license, probably going to need a motorcycle. And he was like, yep. And I was like, I know that extra ones are just sitting there collecting dust. Would you sell it? And then he was like, are you asking me if I would sell my dead best friend's motorcycle to my son-in-law? Who's not married to my daughter yet?

And I said, I was just throwing the idea out. And he goes, no, that's not. That's not. I would never, never in a thousand years for any amount of money would ever do that. And I was like, I don't know why I thought you'd say yes. I was just, we've had 18 Budwisers each. Like you, like a movie where he just throws you the keys? Yeah.

Here. Hang it right now. My dead best friend's motorcycle. How about you go get on I-35 right now? I don't know what kind of headspace. You walk over the motorcycle and there's a full, there's a cool old leather jacket. Yeah, yeah. leather pants that fits you

and an awesome pair of boots there's a red light on it it's like like from the garage it's just like be the jacket says Jake yeah my friend had the same name as you

fucking the guitar riff from rats round and around is playing looks like I have been instilled with an incredible sense of destiny I just I was like you ever like

a new life laid before me My life just got good. My life just got crazy good. I got a... Man, I'm happy now. So this is a good moment. Where happens?

This is all it took. Motorcycle, leather jacket. Finally. Happiness. Yeah, I don't know what I was thinking. It was one of those where you, like, you throw something out there to somebody. You know, maybe like a boss,

maybe like a raise or something. and you do it with the confidence that you're like, hey, there's no reason. But you don't fundamentally understand that you don't, in no world would you ever deserve that? And also that person would never give that to you. And then I was talked out of getting the motorcycle by literally every friend I have that has one.

I have a buddy who was rear-ended by car going like 20 miles an hour in one, and he got fucked up very bad. and and then Edgar had he had that ninja bike and he drove it around a lot and he was like yeah man you shouldn't get one you should not you can barely drive a car

so you shouldn't have one of those and so I didn't get one but you know life's still young I'm still youngish so I might you know who knows who knows what the future holds legit dude the whole you got your whole life ahead of you. Yeah.

Yeah, I get a fucking hyabusa or something, get, you know. You ever think, like, okay, if I can put together enough accoutrements, if I can buy the perfect jacket and the perfect boot, then maybe my life will make sense. Like, I, like, I don't, I don't. I don't mean this in a stupid way. I have, sometimes I've had the thought of, like, I think if I bought this pair of Wranglers,

this nice pair of dress wrangler slacks, that I might, I won't feel so bad all the time. And you buy them, and it does actually make you feel better for a couple weeks. And I don't know what that is. People call it like retail therapy. But I don't, that sounds like something that girls do. So when I do it, I call it, when I do it, I call it getting right.

You know what I mean? I got to call it something else. You know, if I want to get right, I go look for Dickies and Supremer doing a collab on a jacket. It looks really cool. I got an ad for it. And I said, that actually looks like a pretty cool jacket. Let me see how much it costs. And it costs $1,100.

And I said, I don't want to feel that good. That's a little bit outside of my bracket. That sounds perfect for Dicky's build quality. Damn. Yeah. Awesome. I can't wait to have this for six months. I used to order to make their shit in Texas if they're going to make it like that.

They must be drunk as fucking. I used to live next to. I forgot about that. Making shit in America for no fucking reason. No reason, dude. No reason at all. Just in their fucking up. The design team, the sewing team.

everything in there What if we made a pair of pants That ripped every time you bent down I used to rock the dicky shorts I used to rock the fuck out of the dicky shorts With high top converse I got arrested in shin-length Dickie shorts

Yeah I used to wear those Yes the fucking they're made out of the same They're made out of like slacks material But they're a little heavier weight Yeah Yeah So turquoise foam posits as well Remember you telling me about that dude

They let me out of jail I had to fucking put on that Those shoes I was so pissed You were talking about it on a video episode And I forget it You were like Yeah Dickies Capri shorts

Foam posits Red sunglasses Red red construction sunglasses I also got out of the I also went into the mental hospital With those shoes on And I remember when I was getting Out of the mental hospital

They brought me those shoes to put on Because they don't let you have Shoalaces and shit in there Yeah yeah They brought me those shoes and all the dudes who were still in there. They were like, damn, Thomas. He came in fresh, leaving fresh.

Yeah, yeah. What was that wearing when I went to the middle hospital? I think I was wearing the pajamas you get from Dollar General. They're like, you know, they're like scratchy. They're not comfortable at all. For me, the middle hospital, I was wearing a mismatched sweatsuit. And I was wearing, it was all Walmart sweats and then those shoes. Yeah.

Untied. think. Yeah. Not like with the laces tucked behind, just just on, sort of.

When I was arrested, I was wearing my minor threat shirt. It was the minor threat. Which is funny considering the charge. I was 15 at the time, so it wasn't illegal. Fuck.

Oh, man. And I think I was like, skin tight. There's this clothing company called No Future, and they used to market, they said the skinniest jeans, like, they had like the tightest fit black denim. And I remember when I was in my, like, going through my, like, dressing like Johnny Rotten phase, I would wear those. And I got arrested in those.

And, uh, I kind of, I was kind of looking like straight up like Elon. I had some really skinny pant black jeans on with like a huge pair of big ass boot. and a minor threat shirt I think it was the straight-edge shirt that they used to have and I was arrested selling weed so I guess whatever but uh Ian McKay I'm sorry bud I know you're like a 58 year old man who still is like vegan straight-edge and that's fucking sick

that's a sick-ass thing to be no disrespect to Ian Mackay I guess but Um-Ey Mackay Mm-hmm yeah He's a lead singer of minor Threat and Phugazi and a little-known band called Embrace. Really good. I wait, I wait, I wait, I wait, I wait.

Anyway, what the fuck? What's going on in my life? Not much. We're going to a dog's birthday tonight. Oh, yeah? So I don't... I'm gonna... I don't...

I'm gonna... I'm a co-workers just had a doggy birthday party. She got a dog cake and dog ice cream? Mm-hmm. You might see that at the dog birthday. Yeah, there's probably going to be some of that. Are they inviting other dogs or just humans to gawk at the dog? Oh, we're bringing Hank.

I'm very concerned about him being at the place where we'll be at. It's an overstimulating joint. And he, you've heard him, I think, whenever he gets a little overstimulated, he does his howl. But it's somewhere between a bark and a howl. So it kind of just sounds like an old fat guy yelling who. because he's not full hound so he doesn't it's not like a ooh

it's like a who it's like a that's not pleasant for anybody it's not really something that anybody wants to hear

so I'm going to take him I'm going to have him probably misbehave and act like a bad dog because he doesn't do well in crowded spaces and I'll probably take him

home and feed him some turkey or maybe some eggs he do be fucking with with scrambled eggs uh yeah that's all i got going on tonight uh yeah nothing nothing particularly interesting about my life nice

you're gonna start some of your medicines that'll be fun I'm supposed to be taking this I've been taking it pretty consistently I guess it's like a beta blocker uh so that's why I haven't been hearing from you Yeah, no bettas

No bettas around I got to take him a beta blocker Yeah Yeah, I wish Texas could have taken a beta blocker And maybe he wouldn't be a senator right now Is he still a senator? He was never a senator But it's something I like to think about

I thought he was What was he? He was the mayor of El Paso Oh, I thought he was a senator Or something No, he ran for senator No, he was No, he was.

Former U.S. representative. Now I guess he is... No, he's a U.S. representative, not senator, though. Oh, I thought he used that to get into the Senate. Oh, no, he lost. He tried to run against Ted Cruz, I think, twice. Yeah, that's true. And he read...

I drove across counties to vote for Beto O'Rourke. That's nice. That was, I think, the first voting I did. I drove, like, 30 minutes to vote. vote for him. Um, and I could have waited 30 minutes in line at a drive-thru and had a better experience. Um, that's okay. Yes, we're going to take your fucking guns and we're going to put him in your fucking butt.

Yeah, we're going to take your fucking guns and we're going to put right up your little buttons. And I'm going to take your fucking Republican, Republican-Tard ice cream. Trump face. Put it in your butt. Put your M-16s in my butt. Why don't you pull the fucking trigger. Kill me.

Kill me. Why don't you? That was such a lame-ass because it was like him trying to do a kick-flip and he was like retarded and then it was like, the Republicans were like, oh, well, he got a DUI. And people were like, well, do we like him now? Well, you know what's fucked up is he was in a band with the dudes from the Mars Volta and at the drive-in, who I'm a big fan of.

I don't know I can't believe a loser Was in a band Well I thought What I was gonna say is I thought They kind of like In the album cover for the band In the album that never got released

He's wearing a dress And he's on there with Bixler Zavala And The other motherfucker From at the drive In Mars Volta Levala

Jesus So those are the kind of guys He liked to congregate with Me the good fellas they're introducing all the characters and then we had big slur Savala

you never knew what he was going to say he got hit by big slur the la la la big slur the la la you never know what was gonna come out of his mouth he was a crazy

highly ineffective hit he's a worst inchman in the Bonano family He was one for nine. Big slur the Lala. He used to aim for the toes. You could hear him coming from a mile away.

He was just yelling the N-word over and over. In his day job, he sold canes. Slurred the Lala. Big Sler the Lala. He was 7 foot 100. 15 pounds. You could see right through him. I'm trying to imagine somebody with that load out.

And it's like, it's kind of scaring me a little bit. He used to eat garlic sandwiches, and he would only cut the ends off the garlic and eat that in the sandwich. He threw the middle away. He said it was too meaty. Oh. You hear they hit Big Slur. Shot him 47 hundred times.

right there in front of the courthouse took them two hours they kept reloading the muskets it was a 47 by 47 traditional British fighting formation see 47 I can't do that math right now what was this being but I would need it to not be doing this accent Oh, Foss. The band was called Foss. Oh, do you mean Fosset? Foss is an award. No.

Beto O'Rourke was in a post-hardcore emo band called Foss, and he was wearing a dress. And the album was called the El Paso Pussycats. And Cedric Bixler-Zavala was in it, and so was Beto O'Rourke. And a couple of the other guys. And everybody was like, no, we can't let this get out because the conservatives will make fun of him.

And I'm like, no, let it get out because Democrats don't really like him either. This is a very critical moment. You need to have him an address. He was associated with several tricksler the following. With evil trickster the father. No, we can't let this get out. He was best friends with evil trickster the father.

We can't have it. We can't have it. Notorious liberal liberal kingpin Evil trickster the father Yeah my name is Cedricter Evil Trickster The Father I'm the lead singer of

Post-Hardcore And emo band at the drive-in How about the Gin Z version Beverage Sipster the Chapo Yo, Cedric is looking crazy these days He I don't need to Yo, that's a fucking crazy ass fit

I wish I could show the audience If you just go to Cedric Bixler-Zavala's Wikipedia page on your phone while you're driving at high speeds. Nobody is hearing. Nobody is hearing those three names correctly, no matter of separate mixture to swallow. Separate mixtures to swallow. Tasty mixtures to swallow. Yeah, that's what a bartender would like today.

His name is Sissif. Savory mixture to swallow. Okay. and his Omar Rodriguez-Lopez Which is the same I guess That motherfucker was born in Puerto Rico

Nice Yeah and he's in the Mars Volta Very good Anyway Beto O'Rourke was in the band And then he Got out of the band To get into politics

Much like the guy To do politics is dark Yeah that's not it I like Maybe I would assume you had allegations If you said Sorry politics

Sorry So like the OG base player for Nirvana Chris Nova Seleck Like he was the full time He wasn't like he is the base player And now he like Has he wears a mustache And he wears suspenders

And he has like a small libertarian party in Washington Which it's like I mean And, you know, Dave Grohl went on to do the food fighters. But it's like, I can't imagine... The way my brain works is if I'm in, like, the biggest band of all time, which is what Nirvana was, and maybe some people could argue, like, you know, one of the goat bands of all time?

Most certainly very influential. And then it's like, you know what I'm going to do? I think I'm going to move to Oregon or move to Washington. And I'm going to wear suspenders and a fedora, and I'm gonna, uh, what's the funny instrument they play that goes, and they pull the strings on it, and it's like,

the vaudeville guys have it. There's only like 10 of them left in the whole world. I forget the name of it. Funny vaudeville instrument. Yeah, it's like, boh-p-da-bap-bap-a-bap-moo. Yeah, I know what you're talking about. Funny vaudeville instrument.

What the fuck is that shit called? Uh, no. Funny vaudeville No vaudeville piano What the fuck is that Is it a her whirletzer? Hey

God damn it Um piano With slide whistle Fuck This is not comedy This is me

Not remembering What things are called The strange and wacky piano noise is a slide whistle. An American photo player? Okay, you're not allowed to watch this video. It's rejected in your country. A guy playing a fucking fold. I can't watch that.

What's it called? I'm not allowed to watch it. Okay, YouTube has blocked me from allowing. Anyway, who gives a fuck? I don't even remember what I was fucking talking about. Who gives a fucking shit? I'm going to make a new instrument. It's got a million tongues.

You press four tongues. That has created a four tongue. A lick. You know how they call a guitar riff a lick? Yeah. I call this a tongue. Steven Seagal talking about his new instrument. There's 64 tongues and they all make the same sound.

There's no difference. There's no octaves. There's no changes. Some differences in tone. You go. Some are white. Some have a pink coating. I'm laughing about, thinking about you and me go our separate ways.

We have a falling out for 30 years. We reunite. and I go over to your house you got a beautiful, a beautiful house you've had a very successful career and you're like, and I got my custom piano. I don't know if you remember and I'm like, God man, it's been so long, dude.

I mean, I'm in my fucking 50s, man. I don't remember and you're like, look at that. And you show me a normal piano and then you go, play the lowest note. And I go, okay, and it goes, well, and you go, and I'll play the highest note. And I go, oh, you got like,

oh, it's like an electric keyboard, so it's going to make like a, and you go, play it and I play the highest note it just goes oh wow I got it to do that because they're over 65 tongues and I lift the fucking huge back of the piano

and there's just like 65 human tongues the fucking back of the strings I love every tongue yeah it took over 65 people to make this it's basically under the silver lake

yeah Under the silver tongue. Under the purple mouth. Under the pink tongue. I think I would start asking people in conversations if they've seen movies that don't exist. Just to see what happens.

Have you seen that new A-24 bag under the pink tongue? I think Ari Aster produced it or something. Just to see what happens. Maybe some people... Oh, yeah, I think wasn't Miles Teller in that? Yeah, he was in a... Yeah, he was also in that other one.

What was that called? Wearing pants to the funeral with Paul Rudd and Emma Stone. Have you seen Jake's lips? It's a really good movie. It's a Richard Linklater. Liquor, lick, later. Liquor, lick, later. Yeah, my favorite director, or my favorite movie,

I probably dazed and confused. Oh, yeah, who did? that one? Yeah, that said lick or lick later. Licked and licked two. And I don't even know what other fucking movie. Lick hood. I did a lot of that type of shit. I wish I... I used to have like a...

I remember when I was a young... And by young, I mean 24 and like deeply... In psychosis from drinking and drugs. that I remember hearing about Matthew McConaughey's origin story and I was like, yeah, that's going to happen to me soon. That's going to happen to me. It was going to be famous. Richard Linklater found him in a bar

and was like, you want to be in a movie? And I was like, yeah, I'm really fat and I'm ugly and I'm really mean to people. So that's going to happen to me soon. I'm not at all like Matthew McConaughey in his 20s. Don't really have any of that handsome charm, Southern Charm. So start being, I'm going to be in movies any day now, and Richard Linklater is going to be like, wow, you're really handsome and talented.

You're going to be the next match. If you think of him, try to come up to me and say some bullshit like that, I'd say, get out of here, you old film freak. I only like, I only like watch Mojo on YouTube. I only fuck with Mr. Peace. Watch guys in that and watch Mojo and that's it. You are a fucking loser to me. I only like I show speed. Do you think that there are guys in their 40s?

watch Mr. Beast? Absolutely. And they're in the chat. Oh, it was boys. Hey, boys. Oh, fuck. All right. I didn't realize how late it was.

You got to go. No, you can walk that one out a little bit more if you want. Hello, boys. It's me a man. Anybody else enjoying Beasts content? I just call him Beast because we're the same age. You guys have to call him Miss. I just call him Jimmy Beast

Charles Beast That sounds like the name of like one of those old Like gray hair black guys on Instagram That do like Auntie content you know what I'm talking about Like where it's like They'll just film themselves walking into a brunch place With like their beard perfectly manicured

So Peppa Gay Well so I'm Charles Beast Yes Yes The Salt and Peppa gang. Yeah, that's it. That shit's awesome, dude. I think my internet's fucking up.

That's okay, dude. If you're listening to this, this is your last chance to get tickets to Philly. Linktree slash Pandeo time. There's a handful left. Probably going to sell out. Well, that'll be next weekend. Thank you guys for always supporting the shows.

I've got a bunch more. not a bunch more but I'm planning some cities in some states that we haven't been to yet and some more on this new merch come see that, come buy some merch I need to put that up on Shopify keep forgetting because I've been addicted We can do it after that way we don't have to deal with

the Yeah the inventory shit Yeah But yeah come to the show A bunch of merch to the show in Kingston And then forgot to tell you guys that I brought it And you guys all left so I drove it back

So my bad You guys who went to the Kingston show I did not sell any of you merch Yeah So I know that when I'm in Philly We're going to be doing Our show obviously But we'll also be doing the show before

And then I don't When are you getting in Thomas Saturday? I don't know Probably I'm going to be getting in Friday And I'll be at I'll be at Ort Lebes Logan Malin's show

So if you're a Philly head Come out to Ortlieb's on Friday night And I'll be doing some stand-up there Shout out Logan Malin And Drew Montana for opening up for us Thank you guys Logan's not a lot Logan's just let me do his show

He couldn't open up He was double book But Drew Montana is a very funny guy Go check him out He's opening up for us from Philly He hosts Do Rag and the Deer Tag It's a great pod You should check it out

Listen to Drunk Uncle And I don't really have any spots than that, but I've got some more dates scheduled. Go ahead. If you live in Brooklyn, Tuesday, I think it's January 28th.

Let me double check it. There's going to be a free screening of delivery boy at Freddy's Bar that you guys are welcome to come to. I'm not sure if I'll be there yet because I might have a scheduling conflict. But look on

Freddy's Bar's website. and that's coming up. Anyway, thank you guys. Thank you guys. Bye-bye. Bye. My shit has... Damn. Sometimes it's like...