Pendejo Time - why'd you suck the pizza guy

Episode Date: December 6, 2024

you were my one and only now I sit here by my lonely because you sucked the pizza guy Support the show

Hello. Hello, and welcome to the newest episode of, you guessed it, Pendejo Time. That's right. That is correct, 100%. I see, you know, I see a lot of you guys posting us with your Spotify reps. It's always nice, all five of you, that we were in the top 24. I appreciate all you guys. I appreciate both of the people who had us

as their top podcast. We couldn't do it without the 10,000 people that check out this podcast every six months. Yes, absolutely. Yep. And we couldn't do it with all 10 of the people that listen to every episode mm-hmm and It's more than that, but thank you guys for listening

It's it's incredible to me that anybody can listen to a Not not knocking us. It is incredible that anybody can listen to a full episode of this. Yes, and take something from it in any way that is like, oh, I enjoyed that, or that was funny. These two dudes. These two dudes going at each other. Oh, one thing, Thomas, while we're,

make sure on the soundboard settings it says preview preview and live make sure it's switched to live because it's on live Okay, nice wanted to make sure this is this was guys This was something I clipped and this is Joe Rogan showing a guy video of bears fighting But I clipped it so it sounds like he's watching gay porn. So just listen up So just listen up. Yeah, so these two dudes. These two dudes going at each other. So it's that, yeah, so that was that one. I made that.

It sounded like, I just heard the bears. Was there supposed to be gay sex? Is he, no, he said, look at these two guys going at each other. Oh. I thought you, when you described it, I thought you were saying that you had clipped in gay sex audio and I was about to be like,

did you get that from? No, no. Were you subscribed to that you had clipped in gay sex audio and I was about to be no We subscribe to that. Did you get it from your personal collection or did you get it? From your favorite website. I didn't even know gay sex had a sound Mmm, I've been watching it with my damn headphones off this whole time. It's just taken into sites I walk around my school all day and I have big beats headphones and I listen to gay porn on them all day Big red the big red headphones and I wear a Nike sweatshirt. And I walk around in my Jordans all day with my Nike Elite socks on and my basketball shorts and I listen to gay porn. Is that a scene from American Psycho when he's got the headphones on and he's like walking into work and it's just like a gay orgy?

Oh, what a beautiful world we live in. American Psycho when he's got the headphones on and he's like walking into work and it's just like a gay orgy What a beautiful world we live in I got another one here. Oh nice This was a The niggas is jerking off in the bathroom, niggas. We feel out, got that nigga fired up out of there, all that shit, you know, this is parts of the story that I don't like to... So, yeah. We're slipping on semen. Jacking off in the bathroom. And if you watch the clip from that interview,

Asap Ferg is in the corner and immediately looks at him like, no, no, no. Cause he was basically saying like, oh, all of us were in the bathroom slipping on semen together Oh, yeah, very funny and the other guys during that embellishment are just kind of like Who was the guy that posted that picture of Him in the hot was it space ghost perp

It was like I was at this pool party and fucking And rocky was trying to put his finger in everybody's butt and it was oh, yeah There's a picture of him like in the hot tub like this like very good Space goes perp for every one of the goats yeah until something real bad comes out about him And then never mind, but yeah for sure well some guys are just here. It's tough to have schizophrenia Never mind, but yeah for sure well some guys are just here. It's tough to have schizophrenia Yeah, I feel like that should be a valid excuse for some things like being rude to people online mm-hmm for sure yeah You know I Don't know if he's done anything else was bad other than burn every bridge that he had Yeah, yeah, I got he never did I don't think he ever did any rape if he did something sexual or something

I don't want to know that sucks, but I don't know about that Do you think the guy that killed the the United There's a delay on it on what I'm not gonna say what race what people go it clipped weird. Oh shit Damn, is it not playing the whole thing? No, it's not damn. No, that's all right It's okay takes it takes some getting used to you got play with a little bit kind of like your dinger Yeah, well, it was like a four second clip when I uploaded it and then it's played two seconds Oh, so I don't know that's weird. Yeah I

Wonder if the guy that killed the CEO has any skeletons in his closet, you know what I mean? Cuz right now he's beloved except by like New York Times like op-ed columnist, but it's dude dude. I want to say this has been like the only thing I can think of in the last like fucking ten years maybe that everybody's on board with this thing like fucking gripper guys skinheads fucking Elon dick writers Communist guys DSA guys

Everybody no matter fat skinny short gay straight Muslim everybody's like fuck yeah. Yeah, I got super dead fuck that motherfucker And it's just nice to see in these polarized times you know I mean like it's nice It's something that I kind of forgot we were capable of you know what I mean, maybe not since like I kind of forgot we were capable of you know what I mean, maybe not since like Trying to think of something that was equal in the solid and everybody's agree and agreement that it was that it was badass That it was a kick-ass thing that somebody did Probably whenever I brought that cake to my co-workers birthday party

Everybody was happy about that. Yeah, everybody was fucking super hype and it was a carrot coconut Guava and apple and pineapple and chocolate and cinnamon and It was a green cake Was it really all of those things that you said? It was all of those? No, I've never fucking done anything. Everybody. Never helped it. I've never done anything nice for anybody in my whole

god damn- Bastard. I forgot. Oh, did it play? Yeah, it did. Yeah, I forgot about that. Oh, nice. Nice.

OK, so it does fully play. I just don't hear all of it on my ends. That's fine Yeah, it just said black bastard Oh, that is not what the clip was supposed to say. What was it supposed to say? It's just saying black bastard no, I don't think that I think I meant to click something else something else you didn't label them well that's what the that's what the that is what the text on that one says but I could have sworn it said something else no that's Liam Neeson saying black bastard oh my god that sounds horrible out of context like that

I'm not gonna say what race what people all right. Oh I told you guys the premium guy. I told you guys I would find the the Ariana Grande Dude sorry go ahead go ahead. Go ahead. No. No. No. No. Go ahead. I don't want to cut you Dude yeah when you when you told me about that Like it was one of those weird like, you know social media like synchronicity things were like you mentioned it to me And I hadn't really been seeing it But I remember that era and dude my whole feed now is just her like the one that really got me because there were some That were like, okay like but the one that really got me was the one where she was showing a picture of her as a baby

And she was I got my cookies. I got my juice bitch, and I was like okay, okay I'm like goddamn man. That is that's crazy. It's like a Do you remember when she was Ariana big as fuck Africana Grande It sounds like a delicious coffee that sounds so good. Yeah, like a nice treat morning time treat Remember when Shia LaBeouf was hanging out a lot with I think it was when he was shooting fury was hanging out a lot with, I think it was when he was shooting Fury. He was hanging out with John Bernthal and like Brad Pitt and every interview he did, he was like affecting this like quiet, like kind of like southern tough guy thing.

He was like, he was on Hot Ones and he was like, yeah, you know, it's about being a man. You know, it's about integrity. And like a year before that he was like yo this Trump stuff Shit boy. I ain't fucking with that. Sometimes I think you can get so famous that you like don't know who you are You know to me. Yeah, he has Missy Elliott tattooed on one of his knees. Is that real? Yeah, he has a bunch of rapper tattoos on his legs That's pretty cool as biggie and Tupac and Missy Elliott and I forget who else like LL Cool J or somebody It's like super dumb but respect to him and whenever but whenever I was in middle school, I was like fuck

I want that tattoo someday He's probably with like What tattoo I do it with like fucking I'll probably have big pun on my whole back In the fat Joe on my whole front just picture them standing there looking fat as fuck Like in the denim shorts in the denim shirt. Yeah, the red carpet photo. Fuck Yeah, they should they should have recreated a Abbey Road But where they're just standing next to each other and taking up the entire crosswalk the whole highway Man I fatty road Yeah, flabby road. You got it right there boy The whole highway. Yeah. Man. Fatty Road.

Yeah, Flabby Road. You got it right there, boy. Flabby Toad. That's the classic. Flabby Chode. What the fuck could be happening to me? ["Fatty Road"] Ha!

Is it playing the whole thing? No, I paused it. Oh, okay, Yeah go yeah run that back DJ. I have the no I I have the entire 52 seconds I'm not gonna play all that though Fuck it who keeps you but I have a technical difficulties One two or if one of us is just telling a bad story Okay, I was planning. I didn't want to reveal this too quickly But I'm gonna hit this if you tell a story about your life and it's really sad or something and it's like Is as you're talking, okay, let's test it out

Let's let's just it out. Um, let me think I don't think that hard Let's let's test it out. Um, let me think I don't think that hard Yeah, okay. So the my dad's third DUI was like His third DUI fell around the time of spring break What would be spring break when I was in elementary school and we had a big plan to go to Galveston We were gonna we were gonna go rent the little body boards right and we were gonna go like you know hit the two-foot skinned eating bacteria waves in beautiful Galveston Texas and so well first we had to go try to get my dad out of jail so we roll up to the

Houston jail and you know my mom's all upset and I was like oh my dad daddy's in jail we gotta go get him and we was talking to him through the little not like in the movies but they had this little phone thing out front and you like press the button and dial it in and he was mad that we took too long to go get him out of jail he wasn't having a good time in there so he had to sit in a drunk tank for a little too long. And then my mom was like, well, why are you mad?

You ruined Spring Break. And he was like, well, I mean, we can still go to the beach. Very nice. Yeah, that works. Yeah. I was kind of hoping it would come sooner than that because that really, there was nothing funny at the end of that one. That was just kinda like a, it was just, you know, a one off or whatever. Oh...

I don't know how to turn these down. It's got a volume knob at the bottom left. There you go. Yeah. Jake's family... So sad... Yeah. family. My family is sad. My family. When you got a home, it's only home you know. He likes to go to the mall with his dad. He likes driving drunk to the

store. Put you on his knee and says, my boy, I need $20 that I gave you for your birthday only two weeks ago. Grizzly's getting expensive. And your mama says, just give him the money. And if you give him the money, then everything's going to be fine, you know.

Jake's family. Jake's sad family. So sad. He ended up dying anyway. He's dead. It's not like I think about it all that much, just every day when I wake up and every night before I go to sleep. Nice. Very well timed on that one. Very good. Yeah. Yeah. That's awesome. Is that like Muzak or something? That's fucking sick. Just like having that like Go

Like if your girlfriend's telling you a story or something or like talking about bad family news And you're just like not there. You're somewhere else. It's like Yeah, no, I know she's crazy. I'm gonna start. I'm gonna start putting people on hold In your life. Oh, no. Yeah, whenever I call the doctor They want to put me on hold when they answer back I put them on hold. In your life? Oh, yeah, whenever I call the doctor and they want to put me on hold, when they answer back, I put them on hold. Nice. And I play this shit.

I'm going to start doing that. Your family, like somebody in your family is trying to give you bad news or something. It's like, oh, you know, Carl, he's, the cancer's back and the kids are real, I mean his son started drinking again and you're like... I'd be happy to reach you soon. Is this a good number to reach you from? Reach you from? Is this a good number to get called from you? Is this a good number to get called from you by you? Please hold this is a white funeral home, please hold This is the Dallas oncology clinic, please

Please hold Please hold Please hold up. Hold up. Please hold up. Damn, I heard you got cancer. That's crazy. Hope you got some guap, baby. Cancer is expensive. It cost a lot of money.

I heard you got your bone cancer. That ain't funny. Please hold. Yeah. Please hold. ain't funny please hold yeah please hold I'm the doctor's office. Please hold. Jake and White's funeral home he getting all the bodies taken out the bones getting all the cheese from family's Provolone Got the body then accidentally fuckin' drove it home I just crashed the fuckin' hearse

I just killed the old lady's purse I mean I stole this shit out of it I took all the condoms out of the purse Yeah, she ain't gonna use that no more I just took the organs out of body. Then I gave them to my favorite shoddy. Fill the whole body up with medicine. So the worms can't start digesting then. Uh, yeah. Funeral home.

Funeral, funeral, funeral, funeral, funeral, funeral, funeral, funeral, funeral, funeral funeral funeral funeral funeral yeah when I die and I'm dead in a hearse I'm gonna go to the places the worst funeral home when I die and I'm dead in a hearse I'm gonna go to the places the worst funeral homes they put your body up with newspaper, then they embalm you. They put makeup on you so you look real good, but you just end up looking like bloated and white and shit. Like wood.

Like wood. Man, I fucking hate seeing dead bodies in caskets. I hope nobody... I told my whole family when I died, don't do that caskets. I hope nobody... I told my whole family when I die don't do that shit to me. I'd be so fucking mad. I mean I'd be dead. It wouldn't matter to me at all. But I don't wanna casket funeral. Fuck all that. This is like... makes me feel gross. I don't wanna be like in a suit. I want one of those like African funerals where they

put you on a motorcycle or something like you're doing something They taxidermy you and they like do they put you on like a wakeboard or like fucking? You know to me like rock climbing or some shit. They put them on wakeboards in Africa No, but it's like they put you like there's like a They'll do this thing to you where they're like they'll do this in your body where they'll like put you doing One of your favorite things I've never I've only wakeboarded one time at a rich buddy's place wasn't very good at it but maybe they'll put behind a drum kit or like Maybe they put me I

Don't know like stretching. You know what I mean like maybe doing some yoga or something. Maybe my shit arched the fuck up Like a downward dog or some of my ass cheeks out I mean like maybe doing some yoga or something. Maybe my shit arched the fuck up. Like a downward dog or something, my ass cheeks out. My family would appreciate that. They'd appreciate a good joke. What are you about to do? Fuck you. When a joke doesn't land, just hit the air horn

or the hold music. Block bastard. Block bastard. Was that whole thing like his friend got hurt or something? His friend got raped. And I almost clipped a different part of it and I thought no. Yeah, it's no good.

Because unfortunately everything he said in that interview was really funny there's very yeah he said I thought I thought she handled it very well oh my god yeah yeah that's that's dog. Did you use the, uh... This is me when I hear about something like that happening. Fuck that, dude. Dude, fuck that. Fuck. That's bullcrap.

Hey man, I wanted to come to you as a friend. So, you know that party I told you like, you know I was like out with some some I like did a spot and then I went to this guy's place and we were all hanging out and Man, I don't know like as a man like I don't even talk about it But like I think something really bad might have happened to me, you know, really? Yeah, like I think somebody may have slipped something in my drink and then I just like don't remember what happened you know what I mean

fuck you know what I mean good like to like when in the sitcom when a couple kisses and they're not supposed to and it's like Yeah, and he just basically, I woke up the next morning and I just knew that that The next you know, the next few months were gonna be really... You know how like you kind of, like it's one of those things that happens to you and you just like you'll be in traffic like 10 years later and you just fall apart because it's like it's just you know it's like you know like my dad dying, you know, like, yeah, there's just some things that like it's just a kind of a Never-ending incessant kind of just wait. Yeah on your soul. I like the real

Boozy no bullshit on that right there brother No bullshit. Yeah. Yeah, I feel you on that boost. I feel you 100% You were the one that sent me that video. He was at that LSU Or I think it was a yeah. Oh, yeah, he was at the game and he was like I'm in heaven right now No, he was at that no he was like where the sorority party. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah Yeah, who wants Boosie to come to the sorority party's at. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Who wants Boozy to come to the sorority party? They were all like, ah. Dude, all right.

I mean, we're both guys and we're both straight. Last I checked, but. Dude, it's got a, having sex with Lil Boozy as like a college student, like, as like a brag? That's nuts. I know a girl who fucked Pauly Shore and she talked about it every day for like a month And was like telling everybody she's like, yeah fuck Polly Shore This was like fairly he this wasn't even like in the 90s or whatever cuz she's my age

That had been weird if she fucked Polly Shore in like 96 cuz she'd been like three. Yeah, but You know Doesn't seem like a thing you brag about as a woman is what I'm saying I feel like you brag about fucking you know maybe like Chris Hemsworth or something But definitely not women can't fuck crimson Chris Hemsworth. That's true, but you're so women can't fuck Like Brad Pitt or something yeah, not that they're not Like Brad Pitt or something yeah, not that they're not Not these that these men are not whores or whatever they just can't bang that many women you know once

Yeah, that's true pussy seems like he can have as much sex as is available to him He seems like one of those guys just kind of you know can handle that type of that work. You know to me that booty meat Dude have you been following Dave Blunt's is media mediocre eyes. I really yeah, Dave Yeah, I like that. They just basically stole big Mo's entire thing and just gave it to like a Guy who was 800 pounds like an internet nerd He only seems to have the one velour 6x tracksuit Like I think they used all that kind of fabric on that one. Yes, they ran out of velour. Yeah

eight yards of fabric to make that Yeah, he's been wearing the same pair of socks since 2012 he uh He's been wearing the same pair of socks since 2012. He uh... He like had to... He performed sitting down and they had to like wheel him out of the Juice World thing which... Yeah. You know, people are calling him an industry plant. Me personally...

More like industry... Um... Meat. You know what I mean? Uh, industry uh... Bro... Oh. Hahaha! Hahaha! Industry meat! Meat you know the man industry

Industry meat Yeah Industry beef that's called motherfucking bars. I need to get that clip too. Yeah, I want to get a censorship beep in here That's the class. That's the you have a couple on my fucking computer my fucking goddamn Super computer there's a There's this guy that was like I tracked down the Usage of a city bike right next to where the shooter was and he must have been the person and I've given all this

information to the NYPD first of all didn't end up even being like a city bike that the guy used second of all what a fucking nerd, dude What a nerd this is one that we live in a permanent nothing ever happens style like hell You know and then like one one fucking Kind of like a you know even better than kill dozer. Yes me one good thing Then you're like I'm gonna. I'm gonna help the police find the killer Keep going I'm gonna help the police find the shooter. I'm gonna help them fuck you dude listen

Here's the fucking rub, okay? You get a gun from some land okay your whole life's been dogshit You have no good nothing going on for you. Maybe you do got something going on for you Maybe you're a blue-haired barista, maybe you're a diesel mechanic and you want to just move the needle a little bit You know you want to fucking balance the scales of justice You don't go kill a bunch of fucking kids at a school You don't go to pro grade. I'm gonna came on it You just go walk around New York and see a guy in a nice suit don't met motherfuckers straight

to Valhalla The guy to silence her to so people are saying it was a targeted hit. I don't give a fuck I am pro that guy died. I'll say right now Everybody's like we think of his family Do think of these butt cheeks you know I still think that he killed him on accident you think it was an act and I know that sounds for fits you think it was I don't think he was aiming for that guy yeah I think he's trying to just shoot into the I think it was a yeah an accidental discharge. I love having accident discharges man My cousin did a negligent discharge with his ar-10 and almost killed

his his nephew Yeah, almost killed his His nephew with a bunch of bullets. It was a fun Thanksgiving family story. Yeah. And so far... His nephew was almost once removed. Hit it, hit it. That's right folks, once removed. Once removed. That's right folks. I don't know if you got it, but it implies, really what it is is a double entendre. Implying that he could have killed a child with a gun, and also that of the concept of, you know, somebody gets divorced, it's no longer your cousin or

whatever. Killing a kid with a gun that's mine Killing my nephew in time Killing my nephew with an AR-10 Making him never breathe again Bullets bullets bullets flying Everybody in my house is dying I'm 600 pounds and I got a gun I got it from Bass Pro Shops everyone I got NATO rounds Nice I didn't know about the pop thing at the end, that's nice. So yeah, that's I honestly there's like an ASMR thing for me Kind of liked how that sounded in my hands a lot. Yeah me too

Yeah, I think about transition five is I think it's like a Yeah, yeah, it's like for like a title card or something That's what that's what you already hear that No, no, I've used it before mmm. Yeah. Yeah That's the sound I make when I pull my fucking thing out to go pee. Oh, yes What do you mean I love it when you pull that She loved it when I pull my thing out She loved it when I pull it out through the zipper. She loved it when I pulled my tube out

She loves it cuz she calls it jack the ripper. She loves it when I thought there would be like a I'm sure sorry I'm trying to get this on my here Dude, you look so locked in like oh Damn, all right But do you want more R&B vibes? No, no, that's okay. No, I think I think the country thing is that's our roots She like it when I pull it out the zipper. She like it like Cinderella's slipper. It fits.

Zipper. It's stuck in my zipper. Zipper. I think Jake has disappeared. It's okay. Where is Jake? Jake is gone. That's okay.

While Jake is gone, here's what I'm gonna do. We're gonna start going through these damn tracks. Let's sing with Indie Folk. He'll be back. We're gonna start going through these damn tracks and sing what an indie folk. He'll be back. I am small, small like a bean. I, I, I, I ever had I was the CEO of that company

United Healthcare I just got shot in the back of my head I passed away UnitedHealthcare, we're here to help, we're here to help I am an angel now I went to heaven after I died Cause healthcare's good Healthcare, healthcare, helping all the people Wealthcare, healthcare, helping all the money Apple pie for Thanksgiving, giving, giving

What was my name? Name of the guy who died? UnitedHealthcare What was his name? Was his name UnitedHealthcare Brian Thompson now he's dead guy more like dying Thompson goodbye dead guy dead guy dead, and he's, I'm small. Alright, Jake is about to be on, but I'm gonna hop on another one real quick. With your triflin' ass DJ Thomas. Is this the same one?

Alright, I think we might have already... What's Trap Beat Short? Let's see what that is. This seems like an advertisement. I don't like this. What am I... Alright I don't like that. We're gonna go to another one. I'm sorry, I'm gonna go to another one. Let's go to Chill. How about Chill? Okay, Inspiring Rock.

Now that I can get down with. This goes out for all you kids out there who think that you can't be somebody someday all right yeah my name's Brian Thompson I will never die I'm the CEO of United Healthcare and I make my money. My nine is something that you can call money and I live in Manhattan. And you know that I'm small and my wings are flapping. It would seem it was premeditated. That's crazy.

It's crazy that you can kill a guy. I always forget about that sort of thing. Turns out anybody can do it. Outside a hotel. I like hotels. Heading towards Central Park. What a beautiful park maintained by Central Park Alliance. What year was Central Park built? Let's see. Central Park. Central Park.

It's currently 41 degrees in central par. Ooh ooh ooh, but right now it's dark. I don't like this song. We're gonna go to a different one. Let's see. Now you know what we're gonna do? We're gonna calm down I know this is for punchline but I kind of like this music all right I wanted to take a moment to wish my condolences to United

Healthcare which I'm sure is a wonderful company I'm sure they've helped out many people I want to send my condolences to Manhattan a beautiful borough I hope this is the first and last murder in Manhattan I want to pray for the killer and his family. I hope he faces no consequences. And I want to pray for the rest of the board of United Healthcare. And I hope they can make an informed decision and choose a new leader who leads with strength and dignity and provides an awesome name to to Big Healthcare. I would also like to extend my offer to become the new CEO

of United Healthcare. I've been looking for a job that makes more money right now I make a little over 20 an hour I would like to make at least 25 that would help me out a lot and so I my name is Thomas White and I would like to officially pitch myself as the brand new brand spanking new CEO of United Health Care you hold it you heard it here folks let's get some as we transition I'm gonna pitch myself but I want to get some more crazy music going let's see what we can do here. I'm gonna go back to country. What if I told you that healthcare didn't have to be a big city thing? With UnitedHealthcare's new CEO Thomas Watt, you will be led into a new age of big healthcare. With a can-do attitude, country grit, and a dry sense of humor, UnitedHealthcare will

be led to a new age of denying claims for basic emergency care We will be killing more people with cancer than ever and I know what you're thinking doesn't cancer doing the killing well On one hand yes, but on the other you know, I think I think there's a lot of factors at play. Also, it's kind of funny to use a silencer when you're killing a guy in the middle of the biggest city in the world. If you're not planning on killing other people. But I guess the guy got away for now so maybe that was maybe I guess he won but just something to think about

I would like if I was gonna kill a CEO I would probably kill the CEO of Sonic because they only paid me two dollars an hour in 2016 235 that was crazy I'm not gonna say what race what people anyway I don't want to get too hung up on that. Welcome to the dance party, strictly for the greatest dancers in the world. My name is Julian Groove. Come with me and I will teach you how to dance. Dancing, dancing along with Julian Groove. He's the greatest dancer and he's got the moves. Dancing, Jake where are you? I'm the Julian Dancer. I will teach you how to move.

First move your leg. Now move your hand. Now move your other leg. Now move your other hand. Move your butt. Now move your butt and move your spine move your front move your behind Julian dancer do the dance do the crazy dance where is Jake I had to poop his pants through the crazy dance.

Alright that's enough of that. I think a lot of people are starting to ask where is Jacob Rhodes? Hmm it would seem that he has destroyed his laptop and that'll happen sometimes. Sometimes guys we all make mistakes. We all make mistakes from time to time. Let's see. I'm gonna look up Jake News just in case something crazy happened to him. Oh my goodness.

Holy crap. It is kind of cool to do healthcare terrorism, but I don't necessarily advocate for it on this platform because I know a lot of White House officials listening to this and I've been looking, I've been vying for a cabinet position in the new administration so we'll have to see It's gotta suck to be the one guy who doesn't get away with you know? For Edna maybe he'd be fine or on the other hand you have to think about well

what if this was not healthcare related what if this CEO owed this other guy 200 bucks what if this was a neighbor of Brian Thompson and the neighbor, uh, Brian Thompson borrowed this guy's lawnmower and did not return it. And now this neighbor looking to take his yard low for the winter and he's looking over his fence and he sees his you know gently used toro sitting right next to Brian Thompson shed and by now it's garnered it's it's garnering some rust you know because Lord knows Brian has not been taking good care of this lawnmower. And so here's Jake.

Hey, what's up, man? Jake, you can jump in on this. I was talking about the possibility of this guy killing Brian Thompson over something non-healthcare care related that would be That would be an interesting turn of events. I Just proposed what if Brian Thompson had borrowed this gentleman's lawnmower, and they were neighbors And the guy just peeked over his fence and seen that he hadn't even been keeping it in his shed and it was getting rusty Now we're getting to the fucking meat.

Yeah, because you can't spell Brian Thompson without John Deere. Mm-hmm, yeah, 100% and I think you're- So, people are looking for a John Doe, they should be looking for a John Deere 100% 100% you that's right folks a John Dear Yeah, you're asking the big you have fun throwing your laps up into a river. I told everybody you destroyed it on purpose

Fucking shit. I had it plugged in and then it just died Like we'd like it like crash and then it died and then it would only cripes. Are you okay? No, I'm fucking dude. I'm distraught. I'm fucking no Melancholy I have malaise I have Depressed I'm fucking melancholy. I have malaise. I have the norms. I'm depressed. I'm miserable. My heart is sour like a lemon. My soul is wasn't meant to be a baby girl. I came over to your house one night. You were fucking the pizza guy. You were fucking the pizza guy raw.

I thought you was my one and only. And now I'm sitting here by my lonely Thinking why would you fuck the pizza guy? Thinking why would you suck the pizza guy? What does he have that I don't got? Other than pizza Yeah I don't have pizza No I don't got none of it baby

And only pizza you have has been fucked Cause he fucked you through the hole in the pizza Yeah he fucked you through the hole in the pizza Why the hell do they put holes in that pizza? Dick sized holes Dick sized holes He opened the pizza box He had melted cheese on his dick

From putting it through the hole And he had grease on his dick And he had melted cheese on his dick And he had melted cheese on his dick And he had melted cheese on his dick And he had melted cheese on his dick And he had melted cheese on his dick And he had melted cheese on his dick

And he had melted cheese on his dick And he had melted cheese on his dick And he had melted cheese on his dick And he had melted cheese on his dick And he had melted cheese on his dick And he had melted cheese on his dick And he had melted cheese on his dick And he had melted cheese on his dick from putting it through the hole and he had grease on his dick and then he fucked you I hope you get a UTI you dirty ass bitch we've been together for 22 years 22 good years pepperoni juice on your crap I hope you get that's gotta be her rhyme that's gotta be who wrong baby it's gotta be her rhyme even for Christians to get

pepperoni juice in the bus and this mullah and shall I die and now you fucking the Mexican cook at the Tex-Mex place is there any instead of the Texan cook at the Tex-Mex place there's two cooks at every Tex-Mex place a white guy and a Mexican guy it's always a fat white guy and a short Hispanic guy it's always always a fat white co-k with some neck tattoos. And they're both gay. Nah. And they're both gay and they're fucking each other. And they're fucking the food. And they're sucking on each other. And they're putting the food in each other's bodies I saw a hard shell taco go in a guy's butt and it was gross

I hated seeing that Why did my computer show me that? I said computer don't show me that stuff anymore. I was trying to search for OF body buids. I was trying to find some cool cars to buy. Instead I saw a video of a guy putting a taco shell in another guy's booty meat. I didn't like that. I didn't want to see that. I didn't ask to see that. I didn't try to see that. I just wanted to see you some whips. If I wanted to see that I'd look it up on my brother's laptop as a prank. And then come all on the keyboard and lick it off As a prank As a prank And then I would get a second laptop

And then I would fuck the laptop As a prank As a prank baby girl And then I would fuck both of the laptops And put a rubber coating on both insides of the laptop To put a clamp down on my shit And then I'd prank somebody into sitting down onides of the laptop to put a clamp it down on my shit and then I prank somebody into sitting down on top of the laptop flattening my dick into a pancake and causing me immeasurable

pain as a prank as a prank as a Mexican prank as a Mexican prank and a Texan prank and a Texan prank baby baby we can make Mexican pancakes I'm a prankster bitch. I'm a prankster not a wankster. I'm a prankster bitch California prank and then you get killed And then you get killed And then you get killed again, oh You just got killed. I still remember when you got killed. Oh Baby girl, I remember when you died. I remember when you died again. I Hated when you died

Every time one of my girlfriends I get pissed on I hate it when white girls die I only date girls with stage four c-c-c-c-cancer I hate it when white girls die I just love funeral food And I hate it when white girls die When white girls die they be having that shitty ass mac and cheese at the funeral. Facts. But when black people die, they be having awesome food at the funeral. But I hate it more when black people die. Just out of, cause you can't say, well, I don't like it when anybody dies.

How about that? I've really put myself in a corner, racially speaking. I love it when white people get some kind of illness. It's not terminal, but they post about it like they got stage four terminal cancer. Oh, I got sickle cell. I was recently diagnosed with restless leg syndrome. This has been really hard on the family. I got breast cancer. Breast cancer. I got ovarian. Ovarian, baby girl. I got oh very young. Just like the singer. Oh so very wrong. Oh very young. Oh so very wrong. Oh very young. Oh very long dick.

Oh, man, yeah. Oh, and it broke. I broke my dick, and it hurt. It hurt real bad. Oh, it hurts when I break my dick. Now I'm one, yes, it's me again. Oh, Oh it's broken. Yeah I was pulling on that thing again. And I broke it. And I broke it again. I broke it cuz it was too big to jack baby. I know hey a Matt from the local ambulance It was like putting a armadillo in a log splitter Oh, I'm a prankster baby. I'm a prankster with my own dick. I love pulling pranks with my own dick.

I pull pranks on my dick and I'll injure myself. It's so funny. It's so funny to hurt myself in front of you. Cause you got cancer real bad Jackass bitch, I know you got cancer so I couldn't get Knoxville But instead I'll pull pranks on my own dick. My dick can't get hard cuz I'm thinking about your cancer Normally it gets hard as fuck

But you got all that cancer bitch it's pretty fucking grossunk? It smell like cancer in there. Yeah, I'm a prankster, bitch. I'll be telling a long splitter. That was good. We have like 30 songs and you just keep playing that one? No, I've just been playing that on loop for like 10 minutes. No, I, yeah, fuck, that's a good one. Yeah, I, oh, no, that's okay, that's fine.

Sunday morning, rise with the sun. Rise with the sun, Sunday morning, pulling out my gun, going to the local bank of America I put Draft Kings on my phone And now I got no more money left Wife says where's the rent? Son says where's the rent? Landlord says the rent I said baby that money spent So I got my gun Now I'm on the run on a beautiful Sunday

Now I got my gun I'm bout to blow all the tellers away He's Indian Indian Don't matter to me I'll put it in the bag Banji Is that even an Indian name? Banji the bank teller No it's not No it's not No it's not

Never heard of that as a name I'm robbing this bank, Banji I'm robbing this bank for free Sounds like a Chinese nickname I'm robbing this bank Bungie heading down south of the border with about two thousand dollars my rent's twenty two hundred hard to wrap my head around Bungie I've kind of real silly hung up on Bungie to be honest with you

Bon Bon G to be honest with you HAHAHAHA It's a Japanese word We can pretend that he was Japanese What does the word mean? I don't know What does Bon G mean? It is an extinct It is an extinct

genus of over wrapped dinosaur that lived approximately 66 million years ago 66 million years ago during the later part, later part of the Cretaceous period in what is now China. Bonji is coined by Missy Elliott and it says be authentic never jeopardize individuality. Missy Elliott and it says be authentic never jeopardize individuality That's pretty awesome that that was that song is called sorry Bungie

Yeah, I'll be saying that type of shit people yo, what's up Introducing the newest the latest the, the greatest, the bestest, the coolest way to get your rocks off. It's called crack. How about a hard day at work? Family just keeps on bothering you? Music keeps getting louder and louder somehow despite the limitations of the music itself smoke some crack crack this ad is sponsored by Mike Bloomberg directly can you turn this down Turn it up! Turn it down! Maybe you could turn it up a little bit, Tommy. Maybe you could turn it up a little bit, and pull it out. It's a delicate process.

Oh, I have ulcers in my stomach. I've created... Oh, I create pains in the ulcers in my stomach through the Bungie Bungie gives me ulcers in my stomach and they're hurting and exploding and they're also causing pain Your verse I've got ulcers from Bungie I've got ulcers on me I've got ulcers from Bungie I've got ulcers on me I've got pain inside me

I've got Bungie inside me Bungie, Bungie, Bungie, Bungie, Bungie Bungie, Bungie, Bungie boy I'm gonna do it. Bonjee Bonjee Bonjee boy. You make me feel like a woman. Bon Bon Bonjee boy. Bon Bon Bon Bonjee boy. That's what I call Bon Jovi.

He likes him. What's up Bonjee? Hey Bon. Bonjee. What's up Bonjo? Bonjee. Bonjee. Bonjee.

Bonjee. Bonjee. Bonjee. Bonjee. Bonjee. Bonjee. Bonjee up Bonji? Hey Bon! Bonj! What's up Bonzo? Oh my god damn it!

I'm a cowboy on a large dick I ride and I'm stunted and growth from win five. Bungie Bungie.

What's your name? He's a Bungie boy. He'll never be the same Everyday, everyday I go to the store God says, what will it be? And I say, give me a tube of the Copenhagen Give me a tube of the Skål Give me a tube of the Grizzly Give me some of that ho

I'm tryna fuck the gas station man I'm tryna fuck the gas station man I'm tryna fuck the gas station guy I'm tryna get his legs real high. High. I bought a Red Bull, ten dollars on pump five. Feel alive. Now I'm peeling his tracksuit off.

I think he's Albanian maybe. Or maybe Greek or Turkish. Don't matter to me and it's all the same shit. Pull out the shit and suck it fuck it good luck then truck it I gotta be at my PO's office he's texting my phone saying you're late you're late you're late you're late nightmare nightmare pain ulcers bongi pain ulcers bongi bongi, pain. Ulcers, Bonsi, Bonsi, pain. Ulcers, Bonsi, Bonsi.

I say I don't got time for that shit. Back to the gas station. I'm pulling off his tracksuit. Looks like a black dude. But he's just Albanian. Albanian black dude. Trying to get some of that ABC, Albanian Black Cock. Turns out they're all black.

Every single last one of them. Man, I fucking don't know what's gonna happen to me anymore. I feel like everything's sort of slipping away, you know what I mean? Really? Yeah, yeah, yeah, I feel like I'm having trouble with reality lately. Trouble kind of differenti differentiate between that which is real and that which is not But you know sometimes shit just fucking starts happening to you, you know, yeah

It kind of runs in the family, you know what I mean, and you know, my dad's dad was schizophrenic and my my dad was get so effective and It's just you know, about 30 I think that's when it starts to really click in. You start hearing stuff like this, you know. The voices start. Hey buddy, hey it's me, yeah. Yeah go get one of those big machetes from the academy. Go get one and just take your own leg off. You don't need it.

Bungie, Bungie, Bungie, Bungie, Bungie, Bungie. Go to the Bungie store and get three knives for your Bungie boss. He'll meet you up in the office at 430. Bonji, the demon, is that you? My bungee voice really hurts already. My bungee throat's very dry. Bungee blood coming out of my throat.

Bungee blood in your boss's chest you must release. There's bonji blood bonji blood trapped in the back of the CEO of united health care's head you gotta get it in the back of his head he has blood trapped you must go get a silencer from the bonji store and release the blood from his bonji head so he can survive

it will look like he died. Thank you Bonji. I'm gonna go do that Bonji. Okay Bonji. You can head back Bob. I'm not Bonji. Who are you? I'm Thomas. Thomas White. Oh hey what's up man? How's it going? How's it going? I'm doing pretty good. What's up man, how's it going? How's it going? I'm doing pretty good. Ooh, that's the song.

That's my cookie, that's my juice, okay? I'm like, bitch, that's my penis, that's my butt, okay? Bitch, that's my pussy, that's my poop. Bitch, that's my butt, that's my titties, okay? That's my butt. That's my titties. Okay. That's my that's my poop Bitch that's my nipple. That's my piss like Bitch that's my bond. That's my gun. This is my bond. That's my ulcer the the the the the

the the the the the the the the the Yeah, that's a shout out to Derek for just saying that this show is not a comedy show

But it it makes him laugh and I appreciate that hey cuz it's a compliment. Thank you for listening Also That's an interesting way to describe the show is not a comedy show. It's just just kind of like I Don't want to call it schizophrenia, but yeah Thank you for to Derek Chauvin for chiming in with that though. It's very nice of you, dude I I've been pen pals with him for the last like two two and a half months and He just draws pictures of Stick figures sucking their own penises and sends them to me. Oh

Yeah, yeah, I don't know how he got my address own penises and sends them to me oh yeah yeah I don't know how he got my address I mean either somebody must have sent it to him do you ever get mail in the you ever get anything in the mail from listeners no I don't think so I only ever got one thing it was a toilet bowl not a toilet bowl that would be weird they sent me a whole toilet in the mail that'd be funny as fuck was it like a lid or whatever no I was a light that you put in there when you like go to sit down to shit It's makes discos. Oh that was from plank. Oh, yeah. Yeah, you're right. I don't know. Yeah that that was from plank Why did I yep, you're right?

Dude what the fuck Yeah, I think this coming Christmas I'm gonna do something pretty fucked up. I think I'm gonna maybe buy like a oh Somebody some old 70 year old man was trying to do a trade for the van and he sent me pictures. He put a I Don't know how he fucking did it. But uh, he put a viper engine in an old sea a stepside c10 Yeah, like a project that definitely went well for him, and he wants to trade that those blessings off to you

Yes, well he was like he was like sending me pictures of it, and he was like yeah You know I'm just old so I need something a little bit. You know, I like classic car stuff. He's like, this is excessively fast. And I was like, oh, what'd you do to it? And he was like, send me pictures. He's like, it's just a, he's like, I just, you know, basically prefabbed that custom transmission and then just bolted it and it was just a big Viper V10 sitting in the old

C10. It was like the same year, or one of the same years as yours, close to around there. It was blue. And he was like, do you want it? And I was like, I don't, I need to not do any more old cars. I really want to. I really want a Camaro now, now. That's what I want.

And I almost traded a guy for a catfish Camaro, his E28, but I decided not to, because like I said, I've been having Been pulling myself back from the brink of like doing something stupider than I've already done You know what I mean? You ever get yeah you ever start to feel a squirrely and you and the only thing that keeps you from like taking out like a high interest loan on Like a fucking a bad car or something stupid is just that little tether. It's like at the base of your spinal cord

where it meets the brain, it's like, hey dude, you're gonna die, you're gonna get sick soon, probably. Not die, but you know, you don't have health insurance, so maybe don't get a V8 swapped Miata. You know, don't, you know what I mean? Not even car related. Don't go to Thailand for like eight months and

Just like abandon everything in your life You know Maybe I'll do it. Maybe I'll do it anyway who gives a fuck yeah, you could what if you became the biggest Thai stand-up? The biggest comedian in Thailand that would be pretty cool. I don't know how to speak Thai Yeah, so it would make it more impressive if you learned it that fast or you become funny in Thai Mm-hmm. I don't know if they have a different name for their language. No, I think it is just Thai is tagalog Tagalog is a I want to say No, I think that's you're gonna make me Google it tagalog

Is it Malaysia? That's oh, yeah. Nope. You're, is it Malaysia? That's, oh yeah, nope, you were 100%. It was Filipinos. They've got other ones too. Did the Spanish get over there? Is that why they got names like that? Spanish, Philippines. I don't know my history.

I think maybe the French. No, they did have a Spanish colonial period. God damn, 300 years well, I'm an idiot yeah, that would make sense How the fuck did the Spanish get over there? Let me see a map of the world that they just build a big ship They're pretty good Man it's kind of crazy. I wonder if the United States will ever be like this We're like back in a day the big dicks of the world the Spanish and the Portuguese they like fucking ran shit dude for so goddamn long they were the big dicks on campus they had the coolest boats and then now that they're just they basically exist for like

Like 22 year old art students to go over there and get STDs from fucking sex traffickers and like do ketamine and listen to fucking club Music that's their whole that is they are the club of the world to go over there and get STDs from fucking sex traffickers and like do ketamine and listen to fucking club music That's their whole that is they are the club of the world. They don't do anything else. I Don't think they offer anything to the world now. I mean, I guess it's better than being like an imperial superpower This is just be having dope-ass times eating tapas and fucking shaking your butt cheeks all day Yeah us and fucking shaking your butt cheeks all day. Yeah. What can you do? Man, I'm a fucking moron.

Dude, I was like looking at cities in Spain just now and I was like, wow, that's the same name as the town in Mexico. Why? Fucking execute me, dude. Firing squad. I'm dumber than a sack of rocks. Dumber than a sack of river rocks. Dude, I've been getting into Spanish food up here.

Like traditional, like Spanish, like non-Mexican food? Yeah, it's really good. The one thing, let me ask you a question. The rice is kinda similar. Yeah. The beans are kinda similar. When I was a big fat motherfucker, my ex-girlfriend took me to a Spanish restaurant and

I don't fuck with the idea of like tapas like little plates of food get that out of here It was like we went and I and I was like why are the servings so small? It's like oh, this is like shareable. I was like oh family style. It's like no family style a big plate share I was like oh family style. It's like no family style big plate share Topaz's like little plates, and you eat over the course of a while, and you sit down look. I'm an American I want a big ass plate of food. I don't want anyone to talk to me I want to eat it in like 20 minutes give myself diarrhea Spend half the bill on alcohol and then go home and go to sleep I'm not trying to fucking ooh. This is a malbec it pairs great with these plantains suck my balls

You know to me, and I haven't done that I've gone to Places with like not enough ventilation and stuff you can get like a giant You can get like a giant thing of beans and rice and then like They're like insanely good at fried chicken also. That's awesome. I the other day I got fried chicken, they gave me a giant tub of rice and beans that just came with it for free. And then I got plantains and a giant horchata with it

and it was all $13 combined. And it was like two full meals for me. That's crazy. Okay, I fuck with that. I was so happy. And then a pigeon shit directly onto my horchata Very nice But thankfully it didn't go into the straw just went on the lid so I just threw the lid away and drank it It's badass

Hopefully I didn't drink any poop. I Could have I could have gotten a serious disease Yeah, bird shit. I mean all type of poop is not good pigeon shit And this was not from a part of Brooklyn that you would want to eat the poop of a bird. Yeah These are these are pigeons that are addicted to fentanyl hood pigeon. Yeah. Yeah for real. Yeah Yeah fucking I'm not gonna say what bird what pigeon it was a is a dove

a morning every place uh... now not every place but like the uh... i feel like we're doing a culture shift and we're going away from like, I guess the mid 2010s of like, ooh, this cute hip restaurant serves little bitty sandwiches

and they've got grilled cilantro chicken cubes and there was a drink called the La Da Bomba and it's in a little skinny glass and it's got a one big ice cube. We're getting away from all that and we're going to like Big Mike's chicken bucket, but the chicken bucket is like elevated in some way You know what I mean like they it's like deep-fried and like a special type of cow fat or some shit It's like yeah more people food, but elevated which I think is the most cheap fucking shit ever in terms of like

It's stupid like poor people can't have anything Austin has like a lot of artisanal Brew houses and pizza places pizza and beer is poor people food like leave it alone like you go to end the place it's like welcome to I Accidentally yeah, I accidentally spent like almost 20 bucks on three slices of pizza and a drink Yeah, because it was well. It looked like a regular diner or whatever. It was in a somewhat nice area, but not like Crazy no no it was like kind of a normal area. Yeah But yeah, it's all fucked up the diners here are so bad dude

What do you mean diners here the low quality? Low quality and everything is $25 that sucks I got a tuna melt the other day, and it came with American cheese on it not melted What was that sandwich place we went to before we did? Before we did Adam Adam Friedland that was like it was just straight butt cheeks But it was like it had a feel like it was homey and the food was gonna be good But the food was just straight cheeks. Yeah, that wasn't we were in the flat iron though So it was like we were in like the most expensive that makes sense like business district, so that was just

But I don't know yeah District so that was just I don't know yeah Those that's for the richest guys, and that's their waffle house for the rich guy. Yeah that tracks. Okay. Yeah, yeah I think there's like I don't I feel as though Like there was a time. I lived in Austin and around Austin We're like you go into you avoid places because you say to yourself. I can't afford to eat here I don't belong in here, but maybe a bar too. I can't afford to drink in here

It's called like, you know lovers lane and it's like fucking every cocktails 18 bucks And then now you'll go to a place that there will be a new place that will pop up called Lucky's pizza You know what I mean? You're like that, you know and then then the pictures and all the reviews are like, best dive pizza. And you're like, that's my fucking thing. And then you go in there and they're playing fucking Motorhead

and you're like, nice. And then the pool table has come on in and a little bit of blood and all the cue sticks are broken and you're like, 100%, I'm at home. You know what I mean? And then the pizza is like oh this is goat cheese with Arabian honey and the crust is made from like baby skin and you're like why why why are we doing this just

we don't need to do this you don't need to hijack what is essentially the diet of people like of neglected victims of a society that hates them. I guess. Like there's a there's a like all the burger places like a smash burger is like what you make if you don't have enough meat to make a full burger. You know what I mean? You smash it down with onions and cheese and shit. That's like a that's fucking like a place that's hemorrhaging money. They make smash burgers smash burgers now are like delicacies at least like around the city You can go pay $19 for a hamburger this big and then like fries that have like truffle oil on them And you're like I just wanted a fucking cheeseburger dude. Yeah, it's no bueno. No bueno. It's dog shit fucked up Oh games fucked up. Whole game's fucked up. Dog penis, human penis,

Bonji penis. I think you might be on a different recording, but we're at like one an hour 15 or whatever. Oh, I'm sorry everybody You're good But thank you guys for tuning in. I only have to go cuz I have to eat dinner It's like 10 o'clock, but yeah, I gotta I gotta do the same Um, if you're listening to this go on and subscribe to the show We've got a whole backlog episodes patreon.com slash pendejo time Head on over to the YouTube pendejo time worldwide check out our sketch big fat frog and Check out our video episodes that are on there. We've got a bunch of free ones and

Check out my short stand-up set, Jake Rhodes at the Dang Velveeta Room, run those up. If you are in Austin December 12th, I will be at East Side Comedy Club, doing a little spotterino over there. And then, keep on the lookout.

We've got some big things in the works for 2025. I can't say anything yet, but hopefully we're able to do some cool shit. Thomas, you got anything to plug? Well, I don't want to. No, no, probably. Well, no, I'm good. Okay. Don't want to know no probably well No, I'm good Okay, bye everybody