Pendejo Time - woke friends

Episode Date: September 1, 2022

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Jake? Jake? Jake? Jake, is anybody there? Hello? Jake? Jake? Is that you? Yeah, it's me, Thomas. I threw up a little bit yesterday. It's okay. We're just having a sleepover, so sometimes you throw up. Nothing came out, though. though i just went so you just you heaved it's okay two times okay that's all right though you know as long as there was no

blood no i had candy for breakfast and i went i worked in the yard all day and i didn't drink any water well what lesson did we learn? That I have to eat a candy lunch too or I get tired. Okay, I think the lesson is we need to drink more water, okay? I'm going to buy some hummingbird nectar and I'm going to drink that while I work. Okay, well, make sure you mix some water in with it, all right? It always has water in it. Hummingbird nectar is just sugar and water.

It sometimes dies, but I don't agree with the additives. I don't think you should. I think you should just be the old-fashioned. You should just boil some water, and you put some sugar in there, and you let it dissolve. Why you got to make some weird punch for hummingbirds? They're not impressed. They're used to flowers. It's got to taste so good.

Yeah. Dude, if I could sip nectar, I would be a whole other man. Did you ever lick honeysuckles as a kid? Dude, that shit went hard. It went so hard. I don't know if they all disappeared, but maybe I just forgot how to identify them. Dude, I used to. That's so funny.

I say that like I encounter honeysuckles all the time in the concrete jungle in Fort Worth. You know? I used to be. It was the only plant. In fact, to this day, aside from like roses and sunflowers, obvious ones, fucking bluebonnets, that I could identify on like if I was at the park with my mom and be like, and I would just start eating them. Or like you pick the stem out and you lick the stem or whatever. Mom's like, what are you doing? I'm like, these are honeysuckles.

Where'd you learn that? I'm like, a playground or whatever. But I think if I were to like be out in the woods and like in a survivalist situation, I would pick the wrong thing and just eat poison. I don't think I could do it. Yeah, I was looking up because I had some cool mushrooms pop up in my flower beds the other day after it rained. And I looked them up because they were veiled ink caps or something. They looked like little umbrellas or parasols. veiled ink caps or something.

They look like little umbrellas or parasols. Anyway, I was looking up like, I just looked up like North Texas mushrooms or whatever. Right. And it was like, yeah, the most common mushroom in North Texas is the death cap, which kills you. And I saw the picture and I was like, those are the exact mushrooms as a kid that I would get so excited when it rained

because I would get to play with them. I never ate them because I knew you don't eat mushrooms that you find. But literally the only mushrooms that popped up where I lived were poisonous, like deadly. Especially to a child, which would have just killed me. The big ones would grow out of the tree bark in the trailer park and we would like take them and throw them like frisbees and we would get in trouble because apparently those aren't good for you either we had just the normal ones also the big white ones that would grow out of the lawn yeah those are poisonous yeah though they they won't kill you but they

make you super sick from what i understand i don't think those are death caps but i think they're just i think they are i Death caps are very common apparently here. That's awesome. I didn't know that. Because we would just pick the big ones, like the tops of them. We would throw them like frisbees at each other. The white ones? Yeah.

And the ones that come out of tree bark, like tree stumps. They're kind of like yellowy and orangey. And you could throw them, like scale them, and they would go really far. Might be a different kind. I don't know. But yeah. The ones that know. But, yeah. The ones that were – if you're talking about just the weird-looking white ones that come out of the ground, they don't have parasol tops.

They have just, like, flat white tops. The ones that, like, are basically in every yard or whatever, like in Texas. Those are the ones that we would do. I remember they were poisonous because – We might be talking about different ones, do you very plausible but the ones i'm talking about look kind of like they do have a big top those yeah i think we're talking about the same ones the other ones that i think you're thinking of they're thinner and they have like a more umbrella they're smaller and they have like umbrella shaped tops yeah yeah and those are the

ones that i see sometimes usually when i'm on a hike but the ones that i just see in like front yards and shit are the ones that i was told to leave alone as a kid but we play we would play fucking like frisbee with them uh it's crazy how some mushrooms can end you in this world and some can make you see a whole new world i remember uh i had a friend who damn i think that's the deepest shit I ever did here. A friend of mine would do the, they would just go pick him up, like the whole cow poop thing. They just go pick him up out of cow shit. And he didn't know. Well, I don't know what he was thinking because you intuitively, if you ask me, if you pick something out of shit, any animals poop that you wash it thoroughly.

And we were like talking at a lunch table and he was just like, yeah, man, I just go grab them. There's a guy who has a like a, you know, like I like behind his where his parents live. This dude had some land and he would just go pick them or whatever out of like the cow field or whatever that would be like near the cow shit or whatever. And I was like, oh, okay. Well, you wash them, right? And he's like, oh, no, man. I just eat them right there. And I was like, so like you just, he's like, well, I'll bring a bottle of water and I like rinse them off.

And I'm like, that's not enough. That's not. He's like, but they're really strong, dude. Like you trip. And I'm like, I'm not really concerned. If I buy mushrooms, like magic mushroom, I'm hoping that they were never in poop because you can grow them hydroponically or whatever. But I never was like a guy –

Maybe you get high off it. I mean, I'd eat a piece of poop to get really high. Okay. You drive – you make a very good point because if I could eat poop and it felt like Vicodin but I didn't get addicted to it i probably would yeah did you do that for sure you know you mentioned non-addictive morphine it's just one little piece of goat poop oh dude i would munch on it all day all day all day all day i'd have shit all over my face yeah non-addictive dilaudid in the form of like a... I'd brush my teeth only to spit into a jar and drink it to get a little bit of residue high. Poop resin, yeah, yeah.

It'd be like scraping the resin out of the bowl and smoking it. Scraping the dollar bill, yeah. If you could eat... The greatest philosophical questions are answered on this show. If poop was like heroin, would you eat it? If I found out the sucking dick had the same effect as a big ol' rail of coke. Dude.

Okay. I'd be at your house right now, sucking you off. Tweak it. Not really. I'd be at my neighbor's house. He lives way closer. I'm driving three and a half hours to do a one bump of cocaine. If it was your own dick.

I feel like that's a really good question. If it was your own dick. I would just cut little pieces off. Just go hunting for your foreskin? Yeah. I'd have it in my lip like tobacco. Here's a question for you. I think I was in like 10th no I was 10th grade

it's like fifth or sixth grade I was like 10 or 11 years old and um a buddy of mine you know like his mom had his like baby pictures out and it was like ah you know we're just look at your baby pictures and make like oh buguchi goo or. Like, you're like a kid. She had had his – you're getting through pictures in there, and you're just seeing pictures of the baby, and the mom's like, oh, ha, ha. You know, and he's like, oh, you know, you're, like, pointing. We're like, oh, baby dick. Like, ha, ha, you have a baby's penis from when you were a baby. Yeah, it's still your penis.

Yeah. We're in, like, sixth grade, so that's all you're, like – you're just trying to get as many small dick jokes in as you can, like every second of every day. It's like, ha-ha, you have the penis of a baby because you're a baby. Ha-ha, baby penis. Anyway, we get to like the last page, and it's like his first boot, like the booties the hospital gave him,

and then like this weird like leathery looking thing. I was like, what the fuck's that? And he was like, ah, whatever, close it. And I was like, what was that, dude dude it's like a piece of cloth or something it's like this big dude and uh his mom overheard us and she was like oh that's his foreskin like just totally normally just like just like oh yeah it's just and i was just like is what he was like see was like dude shut up, dude, shut up. Let's just go play video games. Let's just go play Xbox. She was like, oh, you can get it from the hospital.

Like, does your mom have yours? Like, I'm sure she has yours somewhere. And I was like, I didn't want to, like, put this lady on blast or whatever. But in my head, I was like, there's no way she has that. Like, if she ever did, like, I don't know if you could take it home. It's not in a scrapbook that sits, like, on the coffee table. Yeah, I'd put it in a necklace, honestly. Yeah.

Put it in a wallet. One corner of a leather wallet is just your foreskin. That would be sick. I would love that. Imagine a gay guy in the Civil War and he's got his lover's foreskin in his locket. Instead of a picture when it's open, it's just like a piece of skin. Leathery. A parking lot Laffy Taffy.

That's not good. That's not good to think about. I sent in a joke to Laffy Taffy a few weeks ago, hoping they would maybe give me a job. Did they do that? No, they had a grand prize. Oh, okay. They had a $5,000 prize if you could write the best joke. And I think I wrote a joke about a witch.

Okay, do you want to say it? I don't want anybody to steal it. It's the same joke and they win. They see his first, but somebody's before you. And they get the $5,000. I believe it was... What does every witch want for their birthday? What?

A dustpan. Okay. Yeah, because they all already have brooms. Yeah, yeah, I think I... So, but none of them ever have dustpans. Right, right. So it would be a clever gift to give a witch. Right, the joke being that it's typically their mode of transportation.

Right. Right. It would be kind of like putting a spoiler on a car or something, but it would be a dustpan to go on a broom. Right. I haven't really had any other ideas lately. I haven't had any other thoughts. Honestly, man, creatively, that emptied my gas tank.

Yeah. It was really just a little. After that, you know, I went back to smoking crack and just telling my body on the streets. I knew that was a high point in my life. Because so many people, you know, I go out on the street telling that joke, people laugh at it a lot.

I'm sure they do, man. It's got potential. I wouldn't imagine that you could close with that at the carnegie and it would just you would you crush hbo would be knocking at your door i would love for us to through some collapse of society become like burt crusher level popular burt and thompson do like like the yeah we're like yeah we're like gabriel iglesias popular where we're like selling out like at&t stadium yeah yeah and we're just we just go up there and we're like uh yeah so there's a mice running around in here 15 mice and they're all they have eight legs a piece yeah You could say the spider mice are back.

And just like raucous applause. There are fights breaking out because the laughter is so hard. Gunshots, yeah. I'm just, I'm like half remembering something that I, some story that I don't know if it happened to me or like a guy that I met at the mental hospital. I'm like, yeah, man, you know, an 18-wheeler just kind of like

killed, you know, like everybody that I ever knew. And you're like, that didn't happen to you. And I'm like, oh, yeah, it didn't. It's a guy I knew. And you're like, yeah, right. We both develop like our individual lines. If we say them at any point in the show, the house just goes wild. And yours is like, I guess you can pick yours.

What do you think yours is? So it's like the blue collar thing where it's like, here's your sign. You might be a redneck. Like the hits. I mean, I feel like we both have okay okay goodbye like that's that's without a question uh that can be yours or my i don't know uh well that's it's both in our arsenal i feel like we both i don't know i don't think i have one really we should work on that we've been doing this a year and a half now we need to be like rodney Dangerfield. Yeah, I get no respect. But the thing is, he was legitimately very clever.

He was. And he was very cool. Rodney Dangerfield's a cool name. I don't think that was his actual name. No, it wasn't. I read his Wikipedia last week. I think I did as a kid, too. I remember being like, I want to know about this guy.

Yeah, he actually was one of the first comics online. Online? Yeah, he had a a website and had like a newsletter oh okay i thought you meant like you know how you know on his uh his gravestone it says there goes the neighborhood i didn't know that no that's because on the day of his death randomly, every day on his website there was an auto-generated joke. I mean, it was his joke. Right. One of his jokes would come up and it was something about the auto-generated joke ended up being something about him getting buried. He bought a grave plot.

Oh, okay. And they were like, there goes the neighborhood. Oh, that's funny. Anyway. That's interesting. Interesting little factoid. Really, really cool stuff going on. You know, I've really been enriching myself lately.

With what? Money. Riches. Yeah. I've really been raking it in on Cameo. I'm a big Cameo guy now. I think I should make one. I don't think I would have to.

I don't know how I qualified. You have to qualify. You have to send in an application to Cameo but it's a short application to be fair they just say like hey what do you do how many followers do you have and then like describe yourself basically

and I was just like I'm on Twitter I have a podcast we have performed around the country and we have over 10 000 listeners yeah both of those um i'm in an emo band that we appeared briefly on stage in new york last year but i was was just bringing Patrick a glass of water at their

live show. I wasn't a part of it. But I'm counting that. I watched Louis C.K. eat a cheeseburger one time. He was about 20 feet from me. Did you? Yeah, I was at Oddball Comedy Fest. And there was a bunch of... This was when I was doing stand-up more. It was Oddball Comedy Fest, and there was a bunch of –

this was when I was doing stand-up more. It was Oddball Comedy Fest 2013 or 14. I don't remember. It was before all the bullshit, and I had paid money to – like my last fucking whatever I had to get some good tickets. Anyway, there was nothing funny about the story. I had just met some comics there, and we were all kind of hanging out after, and Hannibal had gone up, and one of them knew Hannibal through some avenue.

And Hannibal was like a cool guy. He was down there bullshitting with us or chatting with us. This was like to the corner of the stage. We're not talking to me. I kind of was just sitting there chain-smoking. I was like 19 or 20. I was like, this is the coolest thing that's happened to me, and it's not because of me. Actually, this isn't even anything I did. I just have friends that know people. It was like, that's happened to me and it's not because of me. Actually, this isn't even anything I did.

I just have friends that know people. That's it. Anyway, they were like, oh, is Louie going to come out? One of the other comics was like, nah, he's over there eating it. I look over and he's just in a chair kind of off to this corner of the stage behind the curtain.

You can just kind of see half of him. He's just like... I was like, I figured he'd go to the green room or whatever like and i just they're like nah he just you know he just found a chair to eat a cheeseburger in and i was like that's cool like i it's not it's not an amazing funny thing but in my mind i don't know louis ck but i was like a big fan of his at the time and i was like so that's so louis bro like just but again i have no louis yeah i've never met the guy yeah that's what guys do like people just eat they sit down but i was like man that's so louis he could have it all to our level yeah yeah yeah and at the time i was like i was doing open mics like four or five times a week or whatever and like maybe maybe a showcase like once a month and was just like man like you know this guy he's so humble

you know he's he's a big a-lister and he just sits in a chair and eats a cheeseburger just like everybody else it's like well you know comics are also like typically like there's like not everybody's Kevin Hart or whatever you know like a like A and B it's like, even if he was like a snotty guy, even snotty guys sit down to eat food. Like, you know, like standing desk. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. But in my mind, if I, like I said, I was like 19 or 20, I was like, man, that's just, he's just a normal guy. You know, like he, he gets food and then he sits down and you know what he does next. He eats it. Like, man, he sits down and you know what he does next he eats it like man

that's just you know one of my favorite things is that Dwayne Johnson in in no picture or video ever is just like in a regular guy's stance like he's always either like has his his hands like his fingers tinted like like he's doing a business deal yeah yeah yeah like did you see that that picture like a few days ago where it was like Dwayne Johnson watches Black Adam with executives oh yeah and he was wearing a suit and yeah like yeah it was his shoulders were so broad they didn't fit in the camera frame like he was kind of the picture that I saw he was like clipped out of it a little bit but he's like it looked like I know he's a swole guy but it looked like he was kind of the picture that i saw he was like clipped out of it a little bit but he's like it looked like i know he's a swole guy but it looked like he was flexing his lats because it was like you could see his like like posterior check through over the fuck he was

wearing i was like are you all right man like is this how you watch movies is just the most did you ever read about how so this came about – you know about the contract disputes in The Fast and Furious? Not really, no. I don't know why you – well, it's funny. So here's – so Dwayne The Rock Johnson is not coming back in the movies apparently. He did a spinoff with Jason Statham called Hobbs and Shaw. Anyway, Jason Statham, Vin Diesel, and The Rock all have in their contracts that they're not allowed during fight scenes to get beat up too much. Like, they always have to, like, get the upper hand or, like, almost win. But they can't, like, they have it down to, like, a certain, apparently, they have it down to a certain amount of minutes per, like, frames and minutes per movie that they're allowed to get, like, punched and beaten.

And so it made it really difficult to film fight scenes between the three of them because they're all like such prima donnas when it comes so like they would have these disputes where you know vin would be like oh you know i i think in this one i should like beat the fuck out of you and then the rock would be like well we're already like 17 minutes over like So basically we're past what my contract allows for me to lose this fight. And then Jason Statham would be like, well, I think I should hop in and I should throw one punch and knock both of you out. And they'd be like, you already got 10 punches in in the last frame,

so we can't really keep doing it like this. And all the while the producers and directors are like, I need to speak up here, but all these guys are on steroids all of them are very very sensitive men and so like they were having to film these fight scenes where basically it was almost always a stalemate between the three of them like when they would have fights with each other or two on one or whatever it could never be like a like one guy winning because it was like they had made it to where in their contracts they like didn't technically lose the fight like one of them would be like almost get the other guy and

he'd be like another day or like the cops would show up and like hey everybody on the ground or like you know something would happen to where one guy didn't lose but he just kind of got beat but the next fight scene it had to be where he almost beat vin it was very fucking retarded and it ended up like apparently the egos got too much and like the rock never like wanted to be like on set with vin diesel anymore because he was like yeah i think i should start winning all the fights it's like then it's not there's no action really it's just you you can't john w everybody. You're a mechanic. Like obviously the movies have gotten more crazy,

but I think the issue lied in within Vin Diesel being like, yeah, can I just have like superpowers basically? And they were like, no, you're like a race car driver. We already have you jumping from building to building and like lifting up helicopter engines and shit. Like you can't just, you can't beat up like all the girls in the movie. Like you can't beat up like the camera guys or whatever. You can't beat up the camera guys or whatever. So it was just like this weird, stupid interaction between the three of them where it was like, no.

I can only get beat up like five minutes per movie. I miss in like the 70s when there would be one of my favorite martial arts movie cameos. I know Fast and Furious isn't really a martial arts movie franchise. They are kind of now. But it's like, you know, it's in there. Yeah. But like Kareem Abdul-Jabbar and Bruce Lee were like close friends. Okay.

And there's one movie where Kareem Abdul-Jabbar shows up like as a henchman. Yeah. And gets killed henchman. Yeah. And gets killed by Bruce Lee. Yeah. But there's a three-foot height difference. Okay. So the fight itself, and for it to make sense in the plot, Kareem Abdul-Jabbar has to just get manhandled, basically. Right.

jabbar has to just get manhandled basically right but he like he wants to fight itself and it's like i i want to say that his death is like a like a weirdly like efficient but gruesome one like his throat gets slit or something yeah and the rest of the movie is like just bruce lee just fighting because kareem abdul-jabbar was not like a trained martial arts expert. You know, he probably had some experience, but he's seven feet tall. Yeah. Bruce Lee was like five feet tall. Yeah, yeah. And so you watch him and it's like Kareem Abdul-Jabbar throws like three really weird hooks and then just gets like killed.

Yeah. There was no ego and he was also clearly kareem abdul jabbar yeah yeah yeah it's not like in terms of movie henchmen you average like it'll go between like 5 10 kind of swole guy and then you move up in levels yeah There's not a level that's like a seven foot tall gangly black guy. Yeah. Right. Right. You might have a seven foot tall, like former WWE fighter.

Right. But there's not skinny tall guys. Cause that doesn't make sense. Yeah. Right. He's not too big of a hit box. Yeah. Yeah.

He's yeah. He's also, he doesn't have like tear his acl yeah yeah he has like an 88 inch reach but it's like he he you know it doesn't really yeah it kareem abdul-jabbar in henchman clothes still looks like a professional nba player yeah would that the similar thing happened in one of the i forget in one of the captain I forget, in one of the Captain Americas. I think it was Winter Soldier. I don't know. But GSP played one of the characters from the comics, one of the villains of, he had

like a 10-minute part or whatever. Something the Leaper. I don't fucking remember. But there was a moment where he's standing across from Chris Evans, and Chris Evans is just holding up the shield or whatever. And it's GSP, the greatest mixed martial artist that's ever lived on planet Earth. And it's just Chris Evans who's like, you know. And GSP is like, you know, was like, I thought you were more than just a shield.

Or it says some corny line. And then he, like, drops the shield, and then he just, like, sidekicks GSP, like, 15 feet into the air i know that it's a movie but it's similar to the kareem abdul-jabbar thing because gsp can't act and his accent's fucked up so he's like i thought you were more than just a shield like weird french canadian thing and then like and then watching chris evans like or the stunt guy like kick him and he i'm like in my mind I know that that's still welterweight and middleweight goat GSP I know this is a movie about superheroes but I also know

that like this isn't it frustrates me when like and I know he like he like he did a fight scene I know we keep talking about him on the show he did a fight scene with Steven Seagal we've talked about this I think where steven seagal was like throwing kicks at his shins and gsp was doing like triple back flips like he just got wheel kicked by like a donkey or some shit like you know flying back and forth but it's it's like you know in your mind like i know this athlete this is like an a-list athlete and it kind of takes it away from like the martial arts aspect of the movie the fight scene if i know that this guy could basically kill everybody like on set like with his hands you

know like it's the it man movies right of course yeah yeah have you seen the third one yeah with mike tyson yeah yeah because the first one is an absolute masterpiece in my opinion i don't care how relevant it is the story story. It's amazing. It is, in terms of martial arts movies. One of the best martial arts movies of all time. I mean, fucking incredible. Second one, still got some good action. It's not bad.

It's not bad. It's not the first one, but like, hey, you know. Yeah, it's got juice. It knows what people liked about the first one. I'll put it like that. Right, yeah. The third one has Mike Tyson. It's cartoonish, dude.

I'll put it like that. Right, yeah. The third one has Mike Tyson. It's cartoonish, dude. He goes up to, like, the top floor, and he meets Mike Tyson, who is wearing, like, a dress shirt. Yeah. And Mike Tyson's like, now you have to fight Mike Tyson. Like, basically. Essentially, yes.

Like, there's music there where it's like, everyone knows this is Mike Tyson, and he's going to fight this 5'3". Chinese old man. old man or whatever. Right. And he's going to land punches that don't just instantly kill the entire story hinges on it, man. Being the goat. Right.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. The thing is he's, you know, he's like six weight classes away from even 50 year old Mike Tyson. Right, right, yeah. But the thing is, he's, you know, he's like six weight classes away from even 50-year-old Mike Tyson. Right, right, right. And it's just like you see him, and it ruins the entire movie.

It does. Yeah, go ahead. I mean, and Mike Tyson, dude, they put like crazy sound effects on his punches. Like whoosh. Yeah, no, I i remember that it was like yeah i remember the there was a fight scene i think that's when they one of the times they first meet it's in that like warehouse roof it's like his office i guess and he's just like landing body he's doing that like his his thing which is like he like slips

five or six punches and then just rips you to the body like a whole time like which is like what he was known to do a lot

with like the uppercuts or whatever and I remember watching that fight scene and I was like if Donnie Yen got hit by even one of these

and he ate like 15 like with that stupid sound effect yeah and I was like, all right. No ribcage left whatsoever. No, your sternum.

Yeah. You're dead, dude. And I know it's a fucking, again, and I'm looking for continuity in a movie about a guy that defies gravity at several points across the franchise. But the thing is, in the first... The first one was kind of believable. It's like John Wick believable, I guess.

No, no, that's what I'm saying. In the first one, the physics were at least somewhat there. Somewhat within the realm of possibility, yeah. It's like John Wick physics. You would kill a guy by punching him, but you'd punch him like 300 times. Yeah. Yeah, that would do it right there. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But when it's like, oh, I hit him in the throat one time and his head snapped clean off. It's like, okay. I understand that a palm strike can be a killing move. What I'm saying is a palm strike from a man who's 110 pounds is not going to kill you every single time it lands. Yeah. Because the force behind it, man. I mean, don't get me wrong.

Donnie Yen could potentially maybe even beat me in a fight. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He would have a shot. Yeah, yeah. But Mike fucking Tyson, dude. Mike Tyson could kill Donnie Yen now, and he walks with a cane. Yeah. He would die afterwards yeah it's it's tough because it's like I mean the franchise got in more insane as time

went on I just like I it's the reason I like the John Wick franchise so much because it's like it is it is just just within the realm or. The one thing about the franchise that, like, is just, like, the guy will eat, like, 16 rounds. And, like, you'll see that he has a vest on. But it's, like, that's the one thing I'm like, all right, you know. That's fine. But it's meant to be, like, fun. Yes.

And it's not so far out of the – it's not like Kill Bill where it's and it's it's not so far out of there it's not like kill bill where it's like all right you're not you're not killing like 300 guys with swords or whatever you know i know john was so tired after that yeah it's the adrenaline dump after killing 300 women with a sword that's incredible hey man i've only done it like 15 15 times but. Going into a palace and killing everybody there? I would sleep for two weeks after that. Yeah, that's like what they don't show you in all of Quentin's movies is when a guy goes on a rampage and kills like

yeah, like 400 henchmen that he's just like, he has like a resting BPM of like 265. He's just like, he's about to go into cardiac arrest. I, the the the fucking i think it was the second one where he boxed that british guy or some shit and it man whatever the man yeah yeah and uh the british guy i love that like they they just made him like, he was like, I guess like a svelte handsome dude, but he was like,

oy, you think you can beat English boxing? And then like, it was so fucking corny. It was like, he's like, have you ever boxed with an English, like it was like every chance he could get to be like like, boxing. Boxing. Boxing. Like, the big red gloves and, like, the stupid fucking, like, you know, fighting Irish stance or whatever. And Donnie Yen's just, like, wearing a tunic, like, a robe, like, in the boxing ring. It's just, like, again, like, it's a cartoon.

And it's supposed to be a cartoon. But great franchise. Yeah. We need to dude if if felix breaks into the film industry and he i assume for his first project would get about 200 million dollars right right and he he would probably choose us he would most definitely text us first he probably text me and you and he'd say, you guys have full creative range. I know you guys know how to make movies. You went to film school.

Right, right. You have good cameras. Yeah. You know how to use them too. Yes. You know how the battery life is on them. You know that they don't overheat if you run 4K for an hour and a half. 5K for an hour?

I assumed it would go from 4 to 8. They go up by single digits, apparently. Who knows? 5K is the thing. Anyway, I'd like to think that me and you could make a damn good martial arts movie, and the kicker would be nobody would be in shape particularly well, but nobody would be fat, like super fat. It would just be like I want to see like 300 skinny fat guys with like not similar builds

because they're all fucked up builds but like differently like they're the same level of like disabled guys who if they took four months could look pretty good but they just don't care that much they just don't they just work like regular jobs they work at at&t and it's just they they yeah they aren't like they aren't like masons. No. They're not burning 8,000 calories a day at their job. They just kind of – If they took the time and the effort and they took their diet seriously for once,

they could look good, but it's just not really on their radar of priorities. If we had a gladiator dome, but only for people who worked from home, that would be so sick to watch. worked from home, that would be so sick to watch. Every time I watch a fight video and it's between two, obviously everybody likes the fight video where it's like one guy knows what he's doing and the other guy just fucked with the wrong guy. Those are classics, okay? And then another good one is when two guys really know how to throw him.

That's great. That's always fun. Another good one is when two guys really know how to throw them. That's great. That's always fun. But a real sleeper fight video is when you catch two guys who have no business fighting. And they're just like, usually they're fat. But the thing about fat guys is if one of them lands, typically it's game over.

The fight videos I really like where it's like, usually, one I'm thinking of specifically was like a music festival and it was like two like basically like guys who work at google just had a disagreement and they're just like their hands are like at their chests and they're like doing the lean back thing but neither of them are engaging and they're like like hey hey bro hey i don't want to have to do this bro like they're about to unleash something and then they just when they meet it's like the windmill thing from eighth grade but there's no damage done you can't even hear the punches land it's the it's like those videos crack me the fuck up like the fat guy fighting very funny someone's gonna go out you know two guys are not a fight great one guy who knows how to fight, great. One guy who knows how to fight, the other guy doesn't, awesome. There's a KO down the road. Two pussies?

I really think that there's like a market there, like a UFC, like a boxing MMA market for just guys that don't know how to fight. I think actually, you know what? Dave Portnoy has that. It's called Rough and Rowdy. Have you ever seen it? Yeah. Also, street beefs can be pretty good.

That is funny. We've talked about guys. it? Also, street beefs can be pretty good. That is funny. We've talked about guys. What I like about street beefs is the best ones on street beefs are the guys who meet up because they have a serious beef in real life. Yes. And neither of them can throw worth a fuck somehow. Right. Like, I watched one where one guy had fucked the other's girlfriend. Yep.

That's a classic one. And, dude, neither of them, like, both of them, I think, went to, like, for takedowns a couple times. But, like, it'd be like you grab the thigh and then just, like, don't even move the guy. You, like, hinge at the hip and just kind of grab his knee. Yeah, there's no punches Thrown at the breakaway It's like we're just gonna Try again later

No one's actually shooting They're just like They're like leaning down Just like three rounds Of just kind of fucking around And afterwards they're like Alright we're good bro Yeah

Like Somebody like fucks your wife And you don't Knock them out In an ordained fight yeah and like yeah and like some it's sanctioned in some way but it's like you can knock them out however you you can make it run if you want yeah you can kick them like soccer kick them in the head until like they die yeah like you can make them have a fucking seizure yeah and the only person that's going to break up

a fight is a guy with seven felonies for assault who's just like yeah i'm here for like the beer and the hot dogs man i'm not really gonna do a job like a good dude the fucking um i'm not gonna say the name of the organization because i don't want to blow their spot up but um there's a a group of uh there's a gym, and the owner I used to train with, well, karate. This was when I was much younger. He hosts his own amateur fights in Texas. It's boxing, Muay Thai, and MMA. They're pretty cool. The technical aspect of it is very professional.

They have the lights. They have the walkout, all this funny stuff, right? The referees are just like people. They'd have no fundamental. They're not like sanctioned referees. And for this reason, I don't know if these fights are sanctioned. I watched my old gym went to a couple to compete and uh people got you know fighters from all over texas the uh the referee was like a goth mommy type like

she works at hot topic type bitch like jamba juice like she's like the fucking half shaved head and like the fucking nut whatever nose ring pierces tattoos and she just had a striped shirt on and jeans and And there was like two grown men in there like whacking each other, dude. And they were posting clips like on the Instagram from the gym I was at of like the fights. And man, dude, like amateur fights are supposed to get stopped quick because there's no money involved. You have a career ahead of you. Like pro fights, you see if a guy can recover. If they can't, they'll be stopped. Amateur fights, like, if a dude gets clipped and, like, he kind of stumbles, like, they can stop the fight. Dude, this girl was out of her element.

This is like a heavyweight fight. It was a kickboxing fight. And this dude just lands flush with, like, a head kick. And you hear it. And the guy just, like, locks up and falls down. And the guy, like, runs over and, and like hits him one time and then looks at the ref and she's just like and he's like looking at her and she's like not doing anything like just kind of spacing out so he just sticks the guy again and the guy's like still out and he looks

at her and she's like and then people were like oh what the fuck and then she like kind of jumps and like does this like but the guy had eaten like? And then she kind of jumps and does this. But the guy had eaten three or four. He would punch the guy. Look at the girl. Punch the guy. Look at the girl. Punch the guy.

Look at the girl. She's like, oh, stop the fight. He's out. And everyone was like, yeah. The guy was fucking like, that guy's not fighting again for a little while. Maybe forever. You can't.

You're just eating big haymakers from a big, fat, heavyweight guy. And typically those unsanctioned fights are, like, they're refereed by people who just happen to be there that day. Like, they're, it's tough. I mean, they're fun because if you like to watch a car crash or a train wreck, which everybody loves, then, yeah, it's fun to cringe at. But also it's, like, morally, ethically, yeah, I don't know. I don't really know. You know, we need to start importing some Dagestanis over here, some Chechens. Dude, let them run wild.

What do you think would happen if you crossbred like a Texan, just like a West Texas oil hand worker and like a Chechen? If you could get two guys to make a baby, like just the most psychopathic murderer, I think you could, you would just get like a new learning disability. I think it would be a regular guy who had a lot of trouble reading. Yeah.

That's a very good point. I'm thinking the toughness would cancel out at that point. And you would just get like fucked up. Yeah. More inbred. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. at that point and you would just get like fucked up yeah more inbred yeah yeah yeah only recessive genes from both yeah you're trying to make like the toughest guy so you just get like a workhorse woman from dagastan and then like yeah like some deck hand from fucking it's two

two guys who only have dominant genes so the kid just comes out like as a snake it's like a baby bird just like it's just like a little just like the littlest just baby critter yeah one guy's lays an egg yeah just a regular chick just out pops a full-grown mark zuckerberg or something it's just like the most like like fucking wet blanket dude in the whole world i uh no i wonder what mark zuckerberg's like parents are like i don't know man i i don't know it would be funny if he came what if he came from like a welder family i know i don't know zuckerberg is not a welder's name, and I'm not trying to say anything. What do you mean by that? There are plenty of welders named Zuckerberg. What do you mean by that, bro?

I just, I don't know. There's something about it that doesn't sound weldery to me. I can't put my finger on it. It would be a bit long of a name to put on the back of a truck. Yeah, or like a pair of coveralls or something. Zuckerberg parents. His dad? Edward and Karen. Okay. What do they do?

Oh, God. They look busted? They look like the parents of Mark Zuckerberg. Okay, yeah, enough said. They look evil, dude. Yeah? His dad looks like the villain from Aladdin. Like the Jafar? Yeah. He looks like a the villain from Aladdin. Like Jafar?

Yeah. He looks like a white-collar Jafar. That makes sense. I don't mean that in a racist way. He has the same mustache. Or like goatee type thing. Oh, I'm looking at him too. He does.

He does look like Jafar. He's a dentist. Let's check out karen kempner she's a psychologist she looks fucking wild dude this is fucking yeah that checks out it's gotta be fucked up to be, like, his sibling, and you just, like, work at a fucking national tire and battery or something. I mean, I don't know. Maybe all of this... I imagine they probably...

They're probably doing all right. Yeah, you're probably right. Wow. You know, it'd suck to be a dentist, and your son ends up being like because a dentist is like every family's like ideal of like a solid guy who's doing well right yeah yeah and then your son makes facebook and it's like yeah this is my like kind of deadbeat like bum ass dad he's just a dentist yeah he's like a multi-millionaire yeah millionaire yeah my dad would say help people's teeth and i invented something that may or may not like

destroy the country somehow like through some weird avenue of fucking insanity one of my favorite things about trump's like coming up story was him being like, yeah, my dad didn't really know how to run a business. He had his slumlord empire that he built and controlled a lot of New York. But he didn't really know how to grow and make things expand. Me, I really took things off with with what i did he was one of the first guys to do the uh the whole i took a small loan from my family like line like the rich guys who come from good stock that like they have to because this is how america works they have to twist their life into some rags to riches story or no one's gonna care or want to know who they are really so it's like i took a

small loan from my father of a million dollars and I turned it into a billion dollars. And so I go, all right. I mean, impressive, but. I read into that family line. I've been reading a lot of Wikipedia lately. And it's funny. They clearly had money before they came to America,

but it was like this German family or whatever. And the matriarch who's credited with like them getting rich looks like exactly like donald trump really but just like as an old like grandma woman that's awesome they have very like the the the genes are that's it's a strong fucked up it's like the bushes man the bushes have been rich and around forever to just forever like um which one i think it was laura bush that killed a guy uh and she just because of she was a bush or no i think it was before she was a bush but her family was still wealthy anyway yeah she just was that in a car accident or something yeah she ran she just ran a guy over with her car and

nothing happened to her oh well that's kind of just how what happens when you run somebody over with a car in this country that's true seriously dude like that is very true that guy recently i i think a woman like just killed like a kid at a cross stop and the the cop wouldn't even like write her a ticket yeah i think it was just happened the one in new york was thinking about, it may be the same one. She just like, yeah, she just like clipped this kid and he died. And then like they went to court and the judge was like, I mean, I don't know. You know, it's a tragedy. It's, you know, I guess whatever.

Nothing you can do about it really. Nothing that I. Things need to be done about this in society. You're free to go. Nothing that I can, as a circuit judge of New York. Everybody's been staring at me all day. I don't know what the fuck you expect me to do about it, cocksucker. Oh, dude.

So I went to the grocery store today. Yeah. And this made me think of this because I was thinking of judges in their robes. I saw a fryer in real life at the grocery store. No, you did not, dude. I swear to God, dude. I forgot they existed in real life other than like in it's always sunny in philadelphia like you're talking to like brown

cloak and like fucked up hair no i mean i mean like uh like a catholic like father like oh okay the white collar and the black frock oh i thought you you okay so, so you saw a priest. A friar has... I'm thinking about... I thought friar was what they called... Friar who has the stupid haircut and they work in an abbey and they have the big brown tunic. Like Friar Tuck or whatever, man.

Oh, yeah. I don't think they call them... Friars are all fucked up looking. up yeah friars take the vow of poverty i did not see a friar i saw a guy i just saw a pastor who was catholic i thought you were trying to tell me that you saw like very uncomfortable because for the first time in a long time i felt like i needed to be holy around this guy guy in the produce section of Central Market. And I was wearing my Padeo Time shirt and shorts. They were very weighed down

just because I had so much shit in my pocket. Yeah, the basketball shirt's weighed down. It's a classic look. And then hiking boots. Yep. And he's like, chain and a watch. And I was like, yeah, I need to be on my best behavior while I pick up this cilantro.

I need to impress this man because he probably thinks I'm worldly. Yeah. Walking around like this, but really I'm holy on the inside. You know? I am one with God. So he knows he's my leader. Yeah. He's like getting cigarettes.

Yeah. Like he's like, can I get $8 on my pump? He wasn't like, oh. Yeah. He's like getting cigarettes. Yeah. Yeah. Like he's like, can I get $8? He wasn't like, he wasn't like, oh, yeah. Walking around. Excuse me. I just gotta get some squash. Yeah. I gotta take a shit, man.

Or fucking. Guys, I think I told you this at the Bucky's in Bastrop. There's like a Pentecost community out here in the hill country. I say out here, like I live like 45 minutes from bastrop but i don't know where exactly they're located but there's there's a big well relatively large pentecostal community somewhere out here and i was at bucky's and uh uh the bucky's in bastrop and uh the men can dress how they want i guess i don't know if this is actually how it's supposed to go the men can dress how they want, I guess. I don't know if this is actually how it's supposed to go. The men can dress how they want. So this guy was wearing like a shit kicker outfit.

Hat, go back to your country goatee. Some sort of shirt that's like, I don't call 911. I fuck you in your ass or whatever the fuck. Shit kicker boots, wranglers. Two of his fat, sticky boys would look just like him, minus the goatee. And then his wife was in the trad dress that went up to the collarbone and down to the ankles, and then all the girls were dressed like that. So it was just weird to see a guy

that you'd see at a fucking country music concert, and then four Sound of Music-looking-ass women. Well, his wife, and then their three girls or whatever. No rules. I need to lean into that that i'm trying to find a picture right now uh from when i was a little kid and my family lived in a mennonite community oh that's sick and it's like me and just regular clothes and before hold on before you show me that i thought this is what you saw yeah no i realize that now like the friar from robin hood yes i

thought you saw doing like the fucking prayer rope and the fucking rosary and shit. That would have been cooler, honestly. I thought you saw like an Abbey monk. I wish, dude. Like just getting somehow buying porridge. Hey, do you have the gruel aisle here? I'm looking for millet. Do you have any beer that's like 75% alcohol?

It's just like barley wine. I only drink 90% alcohol and 0.5%. And I'm only allowed to eat wheat gruel, and I just chew on a bunch of rocks all day. That's okay. Wait, so y'all were... I think I do well in poverty. Y'all were Mennonites? Yeah, and I'd just chew on a bunch of rocks all day. That's okay. Wait, so y'all were... I think I do well in poverty. Y'all were Mennonites?

I thought your dad was Mormon. No, so my dad was raised Mormon, and he converted to Christianity when he was like 20. Oh, okay. And then became like a Baptist pastor. Church of Christ. Yeah. We lived in like a baptist pastor like church of christ yeah we lived uh

in like a mountain town in virginia before i was born they did and so all the girls wore like the big dresses and everything yeah they were and then whenever we moved down here i was born i think shortly after and uh yeah my my because we just wore hand-me-downs for the most part yeah but it you know just because you're not rocking with that crew anymore doesn't mean you can't rock the colors yeah yeah you can't you roll so yeah i can't find it i took it the other day. We were going through some... We were trying to hang up some more pictures around the house because it looked like we just moved in. And I found it.

I just thought it would be funny to have it hanging above the door on the outside. Right. Just like as a warning to trespassers or something. Like, yeah, I feel like I've got some weird memories. I'm a card-carrying member of the fucking tribe, dude. I'm pipe-hitting yeah i'm ready to rock dude it's so funny to think about like the paths that our lives got so close to taking and mennonite thomas it's so fucking done it is i know you

couldn't have but it's like it it is something that exists if like if if multiple universes and timelines are real there's a mennononite Thomas floating in the ether out there just chopping wood and speaking Pennsylvania Dutch. You got a busted-ass wife that churns butter all day. You got eight fucking kids that you don't like, that don't like you. God damn. That would be something.

Fucking hell. What was one of my alternative life paths? You could have been, you could be like a trailer park landlord. Yeah. That would have been cool. Yeah, like fucking Mr. Leahy from fucking Trailer Park Boys. That definitely could have happened. Yeah, that for sure could have been a potential reality.

I almost went to film school. I think that would have been a good one. That could have been a potential reality um i almost went to film school i think that would have been a good one that would have been great you would have yeah that would have been a good character arc for you that would have been dude oh my god i'm already annoying i can't imagine if i had gone through with something like that that would have fucking i mean so instead i studied philosophy i took the more noble yeah it said you became a real man yeah i studied that which is some kind of pussy you know studying theology but instead i looked at how people's minds work and how to have an argument what kind of what kind of pussy studies how movies are made me i just i looked at like the ins and outs of, you know, like the human condition and why we, you know, exist and stuff for like six years.

And it cost me like $50,000. Can you show me some money? This is, this has been a public service announcement. money. This has been a public service announcement. If your name is Thomas, so if your name is Thomas, it's a public service announcement. We have received word from the

Pentagon that you're a homosexual and your house will be nuclear bombed as soon as possible. Do not take shelter. In fact, go stand on your roof. Go stand on your roof. I can't be right. Go stand on your roof. This is a Thomas, please go stand on your roof. The Pentagon has determined that you're a gay man

and you're receiving hellfire. I don't have a six foot ladder and the roof is like ten feet. Put it on top of the bed of your truck and get up on your roof because you're receiving a hellfire missile fire. The Pentagon has determined... It'll still kill me if I'm not on the roof. Well, we wanted to get a direct hit on your head.

We want the missile to hit you directly on. We've determined you're simply too gay to live. Checking in, checking in. Subject is sucking the missile like a penis. He has caught it in his mouth. He is sucking it. Missile is not detonated due to how wet he has been sucking it. The heat-seeking device is disabled due to how wet his mouth is.

I repeat, he is sucking it up and down, sucking the missile like a penis. Oh, good God. He's putting it in his butt. sucking the missile like a penis oh good god he's putting in his butt the camera at the tip of the missile is all smudged up and we can see his tummy he has pizza in there i repeat subject has a missile in butt will detonate at your call but it may not detonate because he has a very dry butt that is drying off the missile, sort of like a car wash situation. And oh my god,

he is putting it into his mouth again because he cleaned it with his butt and he's getting it wet with his mouth and putting it back in his butt. And oh my god, missile inbound. Missile inbound. We've just received word that the Pentagon was hit by a Hellfire missile

sent from the Pentagon, intercepted by one Thomas White of Fort Worth, Texas. He performed some sort of recalculation maneuver where he sucked the missile like a penis and then shoved it in his butt a whole bunch of times, and that somehow was able to redirect the missile back at the Pentagon. We've had about 2,000 casualties here at the Pentagon. We have no words. As a second missile arriving,

Thomas, you cannot suck the missile off. We actually have an anti-suckable missile and an anti-fuckable missile. So you cannot put it in your mouth or your butt. We really appreciate the effort. You're the smartest gay terrorist we've ever met and you cannot put it in your mouth or your butt. We really appreciate the effort. You're the smartest gay terrorist we've ever met, and you really put our boys in a bit of a bind.

So we created an anti-suckable, anti-fuckable missile that's coming for you, the gayest man in Texas, and there's nothing you can do to stop it. Don't get any I see your smile. Don't get any clever tricks up your sleeve because you can't. Checking in, checking in. Subject is jacking off the missile like a dick and putting it into his dick to sound he is sounding the missile shredding his urethral

tract the missile has exploded his penis like a big balloon a medium-sized balloon honestly and it is destroyed shredded his body and he is putting it back into his hands. His calluses are stripping the paint off of the missile, and he's attempting to suck it. Thankfully, the anti-suck action has worked. He is breaking his jaw, trying to fit it around this missile. It is the biggest phallic object he has ever tried to suck. His teeth are breaking off on the force field. His jaw is shredded.

His gums are flapping around, largely due to previous tobacco use. His tongue is flitting around it, around the force field. He's burning his tongue off, jacking it off again. His neighbor is here, and they're both licking the force field

and getting the force field super wet. And all the neighborhood cats are jumping up and trying to lick the force field. And they're trying toicking the force field and getting the force field super wet. In all the neighborhood, cats are jumping up and trying to lick the force field. And they're trying to fuck the force field, but their little cat balls are just bouncing right off of it. They are humping the force field to the point where we can no longer see the actual range. It's covered in uncircumcised cat dick. Little red dots all over the cameras like they have lasers pointing at it. I repeat, the cats are skeeting on the force field. The cats are

skeeting on the force field. We have a code red cat penis on the missile camera. Cannot detonate due to local anti euthanasia laws for stray cats.

Back to you. This is the Pentagon. We did not anticipate that this area of Fort Worth had 7 million stray cats. It's just bad foresight on our end. So we're going to get back to the lab. This guy really, we're thinking he might be the gayest, horniest, most bulletproof terrorist in Fort Worth, Texas,

possibly all of North Texas, maybe even the United States. And the fact that he seems to also be able to have some sort of witch-like familiar powers where he could summon the power of a bunch of horny, sexually desperate cats, I guess, to fuck a missile so much that it does not work anymore. I just realized that if Fort Worth ever does deal with the feral cat population, what they're going to do is, because Lockheed's right here,

they're just going to start sending pool torpedo-sized missiles out and try to target cats, but they're just going to blow up a bunch of old guys. It's very funny to think that the city council's like, look, we've got to do something about this cat problem, and the only solution that we can think of is to

get Lockheed on it, so we're going to get about 150,000 pool noodle-sized missiles, and we're just going to start dropping them in and around all the suburban neighborhoods. A bunch of tungsten rods just fucking just. The only solution that Fort Worth City Council could find.

Killed like three cats. The mayor's like. And the rest just land like in the rough neighborhoods or whatever. Yeah. Now we have to build a bunch of high rises here. Yeah, this was a historic Mexican neighborhood. I guess all the cat missiles got misfired somehow. I don't know how that happened, but you can build a hotel here now, I guess.

It's just the mayor's like, yeah, the stray cat problem is getting really bad. And he's got an earpiece, and he's like, yeah, stray cats in Mexico. No, stray cats. Stray cats' problem is getting bad, so we're going in Mexico. No, stray cats. Stray cats, the problem's getting bad. So we're going to get Lockheed on it, our trusted people at Lockheed. And they're going to drop like half a ton of ordinance on the stray cat neighborhoods in Fort Worth. And that should really get ahead of the problem. No more rabies.

No more, you know man never mind i was gonna walk that one out but that's probably best that i don't probably for the best probably for the racist guy he's got no problem without any views certain communities i try to talk him out of it he hates minorities i love them probably more than anybody. In fact, if you're not a minority, I really don't want to hang out with you. The so anti-racist guy is just like, honestly, you know what? When I think about white people, I want to kill them. I love minorities so much that I want them to sleep in my bed. Dude, I'm hanging out at your birthday party.

Man, we got to get some more black guys over here. And you're like, you're like, I mean, do you like know somebody? Do you want to invite a friend over or something? I'm like, dude, anybody. I want, dude, we have to get some, we got to get some Filipino people over here. It's just Mexicans and white guys here, man. You need Filipinos. You need fucking...

You're like, these are just guys I grew up with. Outside Houston. Yeah, it's just Mexicans and white guys. You don't have any Choctaw people here. You're not inclusive enough. It's like, look, man. All I know is Mexican guys and white guys. That's the only type of guy that I know.

That's it. I don't know, man. It just seems a little racist to me, dude. I'm like, I know a Mexican guys are white guys. That's the only type of guy that I know. That's it. I don't know, man. It just seems a little racist to me, dude, that you wouldn't have. I know a bunch of black guys. You don't have any Algonquins? That's fine. I just. You're like crying.

Yeah, I'm good. I don't know, man. I just fucking. I'm like, there's no Algonquin people. Yeah. They're not needed in the area. Jake, you pull me aside. It's like my son's second birthday party.

You pull me away from the bouncy house. You're like, look, man, I've been your friend now for 20 years, and there's just no Apache here. And I really think that you need to check your privilege about who you're inviting. It's like, dude, I live in Montana. I don't think they're out here. Hey, Jake, why don't you have any Comanches here?

Are you afraid of getting scalped? You racist. You're scared of a little culture in your life? A little fucking... Why don't you have more gay people here? You're afraid I'm gonna suck their dick at your party?

And you're like, what? Wait, hold on, man. Are you afraid I'm gonna let them fuck me in my ass in the pool or what? At your son's birthday party? At your son's three-year-old birthday party. Hey, man, you don't have any sex workers here at your son's birthday party. You prejudiced yourself? You're so woke that you're like, look, man, I see a lot of Mexican guys, a lot of Mexican girls.

I see, you know, black guys and, you know, I see all. But what I don't see is enough sort of like a street walker type women yeah i don't get you need to get some of the mexicans out of here because they used to be you know it used to be more impressive but nowadays i know you got to go deeper yeah dude i live in south mexico like aztec yeah're talking, you need people from like. You need a guy who's naturally 3'11". Like no birth defects. You don't have any pygmies here at this fucking, at this fucking bouncy house party, you piece of shit. You're like, yeah, bring a friend.

I bring somehow 50 aboriginal people. Tribesmen. What's that island that like they kill people, North Sentinelese? You just bring those like uncontacted tribes. You're like, dude, where did you get this many Maoris? Oh, you don't hang out with Maoris? I hang out with them every day.

I almost exclusively hang out with them. I thought you were progressive, man. You don't hang out with any fucking... This is an Amazonian tribe. You guys better be careful because they get smallpox really easily. Yeah, I hope none of you have any sort of virus that lays dormant in your European body. They aren't even immune to the Black Plague yet. No.

They eat like a deviled egg and just immediately fucking fuck it. Yeah, they can eat a Martian egg and a piranha. You're giving me a call. You're like, hey, I'm bringing some friends by. But they have some weird dietary restrictions. I'm like, oh, well, I'm doing vegan tacos. It's a little bit more than that. So really, just some of my friends from an uncontacted tribe in Amazon.

I need you to have about 10 to 15 pounds of fresh piranha. I'm going to need you to have lots of palm leaves uh but just kind of the ones with the thick stem tree roots banana tree root but not the ones you get from the store because other genetically modified it's the fucked up little bananas that grow like wild i'm going to need you to have just lots of bark it just it's like it's like chips to them they just you know and and i'm gonna uh i'm gonna need you to just have, if you have a rainwater collector, but it can't be any sort of mechanism. It has to be like a big sort of like. They can only drink sitting water.

If they drink filtered water, they'll die. You got chlorine in your pool, Jake? Yeah, man. It's a pool. I need you to going to have to take that out somehow. I'm not really sure I can do that. You just kind of have to. It has to be like a stagnant green pond. Some of my Chernobyl friends are going to be here soon.

Could you get some rabid wolves to hang out for comfort animals? Do you have any big glowing green pieces of metal that you could have around the place to just make them feel more at home? A couple of my chernobyl friends it's like an eight foot tall man is just like hey how's it going it's like his eyes are bleeding like how's uh allergies nah i'm chernobyl guy oh yeah you've got a lot of a lot of different races at your party that's cool yeah i invited the Mothman. There's only one of him, as far as I know, living.

It's cool that you got, you know. It's cool that you got Aboriginals here, but I have a cryptid. So I don't know if you're like how progressive you really are. I have a dodo bird here. I bankrupted myself bringing it back from extinction to bring to your party this is like a party for like fucking like New York fucking wet blanket journalist like liberal types being like yeah

you know this is a guy I've known this guy like just pointing off over to the corner of their fucking you know condo I've known this guy 20 years we go way back it's just this dude with like a bone through his nose he's holding his spear yeah he's just got like he's got like a bengal tiger fucking cloak on he's got like thousand yard stare from like the worst life imaginable man we just go way back and like you know i really think like as somebody like if you really consider yourself progressive like

you just kind of need to like associate more with people who just don't get a chance to you know experience you know how great you know this type of life could be most of my friends work in cobalt mines i don't work there but i hang out there a lot you have like 10 senegalese children behind you they really help with my world perspective you know yeah it's like look man i mean a lot of times people would say it's weird for a grown man to bring 10 children to, like, a party where there's alcohol. But, I mean, I'm just a worldly guy, you know? All these kids are addicted to glue. That's part of their culture. They're just industrial solvents, you know?

They just, they really like the smell and taste of them. They enjoy them. Yeah, they might chip the paint off your walls and smell it, but that's part of their culture. Do you have any just like AKMs lying around, any AK-47s? It's just something that they really like to play with. It's sort of like a security blanket. Yeah.

Do you have any old French landmines lying around that they could just like dodge? Just munch on. Yeah. What I'm going to need you to do to make the cobalt children feel more at home is if you could just lay some old French landmines out and have them run around the yard just trying to avoid them.

You're going to see me hit them throughout the night. That's something they are used to. Three of them are going to die, but that's just kind of like what happens when they hang around people you know i brought an old chinese monk if he uh if he dies from opium withdrawal that's on you so you need to figure something out tonight so hey man really cool party like i'm glad uh you know i know your wife's you know family's from mexico but but uh uh you know i got my i got my buddy here you know he's's my Chinese monk friend.

He's just floating like an orange tunic. Just like the middle of his forehead is glowing blue. You got to get yourself one of these, man. He's a really wise guy. He's about 798 years old. Oh, you're first-gen Guatemalan. That's really cool. My friend here is from Mexico too.

They just copy-pasted in the Pacific Ocean. You're first-gen Guatemalan. That's really cool. My friend here is from Mexico, too. Yeah. They just copy-pasted in the Pacific Ocean. Yeah, Mexico, too. Oh, you don't know anybody from Mexico, too. That's interesting. I do, but I guess I just get out more. Yeah, I guess I'm more worldly and more cultured. Yeah.

But nice life, though, you got here, man. Nice Colombian wife. Nice mixed Colombian kids. Nice, very sort of culturally diverse friend group you have. I have a skinwalker to hang out with. I wouldn't get too close to him. He will assume the figure of someone you love. And if you touch him, basically your soul just gets deleted.

Don't go over there. Really, I'm the only person allowed to talk to the guy. and if you touch him, basically your soul just gets deleted. Don't go over there. Really, I'm the only person allowed to talk to the guy. He's asking if you have any Pepsi. He doesn't really do Coca-Cola. He says you really take really good care of your lawn. He wants to know what kind of weed eater you got. Yeah, it's cool that you brought your friends. I have your friends you know i have a saber-toothed

tiger and a flash drive with adolf hitler's soul on it but you know you know it's cool you got your thing going on man thanks for having us i like how this just the the evolution of this stupid bit was like bringing a mexican to a party and now you're like i've got adolf hitler's soul on a sync drive yeah man you know it's it's you know a cool drive. Yeah, man. You know, it's a cool party, I guess. I just have all the knowledge a man can hold within his soul. Just on a little thumb drive, I found. Yeah, I have the first Bible here. Anyway.

The Shroud of Turin. That's the cheese spread. That's just what the cheese spread's under. Anyway, this is a freebie. This is what's called a freebie. You get a little tasty taste of what the Primo episode's got to offer. This is where we just set it in your mouth and pull it right back out. Yeah, it's just the tip, but like 16 times,

and then I'm pretty good. After that, I go back to sleep. If you like this shit, you want to go. We do two episodes a week. This is one of them. The other one's going to be on patrion.com slash Pindejo time. Those are about five buckaroonies a month. We do about four of those a month with these episodes.

And then if you want to do a little bit more cheese, if you got money to fuck around with $10 honchos, get one video episode a month. And then if you've got like more money than God God or whatever and you want to be among the elite, you can do the John Wayne Gacy tier. You don't get anything extra. You can give us $1,000 if you want to. Yeah, there's a little option on Patreon.

If you have a ton of money and you listen to this, which I'm assuming is everybody in the fan group. Yeah, we have a very rich list. Yeah. That's one thing I've learned. You can just drop us fucking $ you know, $100 million. I'll drop my cash app on here, you know? Fuck it.

What are we going to do? Also, if your name is Sam and you live in Arizona, I've been trying to get in contact with you. I won't say your last name or anything particular on here. Arizona Sam, you fucking shirt bastard. Your shirt got sent back, and I'm trying to get it back to you, but I need you to check your email for me, all right? Yeah, I need you to get your shit together for us, all right? Bye-bye. It's not that big of a deal. I'm trying to get it back to you, but I need you to check your email for me. Yeah, I need you to get your shit together for us.

It's not that big of a deal. I just want to get you your shirt. Thank you. Fuck you. Yeah, and those are the shows that we got. I don't really have anything else to announce because nothing else is happening. I got some dates coming up. Yeah.

I need to go to the grocery store and get some more, but I'm out right now. I'm doing 10 minutes at the fucking register line at Whole Foods in Fort Worth, Texas. Getting more dates. Yeah, I'm getting more dates. I'm doing about half an hour in the parking garage on 5th Street in Austin, just in my car. I'll be in Weatherford, Texas tomorrow doing sprinklers and thinking about killing myself. I'm moving to San Marcos. If you want to come help me move.

Actually, don't. If you want to help Jake move, I'll give you his new address. And you can help him for the next few months. Yeah, yeah. Maybe crash at his place while he gets things together. Yeah, thanks, guys. I appreciate you. Bye.