Pendejo Time - Youth Pastors Without Borders (feat. Patches)

Episode Date: August 19, 2021

Our favorite Dungeon Master joins us for a special edition of Pendejo Time. Check out Podcast About List and follow Patches on Twitter @senator_gunSupport the Show.

Welcome back. All right. It's a go. I want to thank Patches for being here from the D&D podcast about List Boys Crew. What's up, Patches? How are you hanging? I'm good, man. How are you?

I'm all right. I think I have a fajita meat hangover from hanging out with Thomas. We smoked a whole pig. No, dude, I wish we would have done that that should be our next no i the thing is i haven't recovered from that at all the reason for that is today i went i got off work a little early right and i was like i should grab a burger you know fort worth has a lot of good burger places i'll try a new one so i did this place next to tcu and i was like you know i'm pretty

hungry i'll get like a double didn't know they had half pound patties um and so i ate like a pound of ground beef and then like a thing of onion rings and then like two chocolate malts because the thing is I drank most of mine and then I like went to grab my food and the bartender like threw it away. And I was like, it's not that big of a deal. And he was like, no, I'll just get you a new one. And me being a fat pig, I was like, yeah, that sounds good. So then I just got home and I was like i think i just ate like nine pounds

of food i just slept like the rest of the day man i never believe myself when i say it's not that like it's not that big a deal because yeah i'm the same i'm like yeah i'm immediately like yeah whatever don't worry about it but but when somebody's offering me food i never believe myself when i'm like no i'm good yeah in my head my head, it's like you need to get that from me, right? Like I'm going to fucking like the next three days, I'm going to be like, why didn't I just ask? Yeah. Dude, Thomas was like, I spent like,

I was trying really hard to get the video episode edited, and Thomas reached out, and he was like, hey, man, why don't you like take a break from it, send me the stuff, and I'll take a break from it send me the stuff and i'll i'll take a crack at it i'm like okay cool yeah man and uh i go to the gym i get my workout in i i leave the gym i text thomas i was like hey uh were you did you have any luck because the files were kind of fucked up and uh that's what he was like oh i uh i ate like 11 calories worth of food it's like. It became useless.

I haven't really looked at it. I was like sick. I'm going to keep doing it. I hope you're okay. I really appreciate the fucking varsity. I sat down and set the laptop on my baby bump or whatever and was like, all right, let's do it. baby bump or whatever and was like all right let's do it and i downloaded the like 15 gigabytes worth of files i needed to edit and then just like closed my laptop and went to sleep for like yeah well step one is complete and we will move on to the rest later oh man yeah i i was like, man, weight off my shoulders.

Honestly, I'm glad that I – because it was kind of a puzzle. I finally got it solved. I finally got it figured out. But just like, hey, man, how's that coming along? Oh, I woke up. I just woke up, man so uh it's going good well i i didn't expect to like be able to help that much but i was like if i can get you just like take a break i wasn't i didn't think i would be able to figure it out so you're playing 4d chess you're like i'm

not gonna do anything but if i did Yeah, Jake works too hard, man. I'm going to pretend I can help. It's like if I was like, Patches, you want me to DM D&D this month? And you're like, yeah, that would be great. And I would be like, yeah. Thank you so much, Thomas. I'm just Googling, like, what are the rules of D&D? What are the rules to D&D?

I like the idea of, like, offering to help your friend, but you're just offering them, like, a step away from it. I just wanted you, you know. When you were doing yard work outside your house before we had people over, if I was like, hey, could you use a hand? You're like, yeah, man. And then I just, like, put, like, I just handed you a tank of gas for the lawnmower. It didn't have any gas in it.

I'm like, well, I mean – You're set up for the party now. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. He saved you a step. That kind of actually did happen because I was wandering around his house while he was, like, cleaning, and I felt bad. And so he was like, if you want to do something, there like dishes in the sink and i look at the sink and there's like three spoons okay but it was three spoons i didn't want to wash that's what it is oh yeah i was just like what in this house like have i been avoiding doing i'm like i could wash these

three spoons or i could take apart the windows and, like, clean them from the inside or whatever. I would rather do that. Yeah. Well, I think, like, in the dinner chores thing, like, I fucking – washing the dishes one is my – Oh, I despise that. I had to wash dishes in restaurants for years, and I just don't want to ever do it ever anymore. And that's not even a valid excuse because if I'm doing it for $8 an hour, I don't want to ever do it ever anymore and that's not even a valid excuse because if i'm doing it for eight dollars an hour i don't mind but if i'm doing it because i just made one

plate dirty like i watch myself do it i'm like i can't do this i can't yeah i um the worst thing i've i've found is like you make a badass meal, dude. Like me, I'll cook for an hour and a half. And then I'll eat the whole fucking thing in like two hours. Or not two hours, two minutes. And I'll eat it. I'm like, how much food are you making, man? I'll make six meatloaves.

It takes me about an hour and a half, and I've hunted a dinosaur. And then I'll eat it really fast, and I'm like full as fuck, sitting on the couch, hitting my vape, drinking my soda. And then my girlfriend's like, hey, there's like a bunch of dishes. Now, here's the thing. I don't do them. She's looking at me a little bit over here on the couch She does them But partially because

I don't do them correctly And That's It's a classic move I mean Yeah I don't do them right Keep the headphones on Because

I'm telling you Never learn how to do them That is the fucking secret man it's to not learn ah and then it's then you get a lot of then you get a link oh you don't know how to do that still that's that becomes a part of your personality and then you fucking hold on to that tight you fucking never let go of that well i think if i ever actually did learn how she still wouldn't let me do it i think you know i already won man god damn i'm a big fan of that shit i'm a big fan of like old school uh the second i'm hitched i'm on

a fucking recliner i'm fat i'm watching the tv oh yeah i'm a fucking icon not even a fucking question i think i mean there's a lot of stuff that's probably not great about it. I don't really think about that, though. I'm enjoying the visual of me being fat, watching maybe the worst television show of all time, while my wife's annoyed for the rest of her life. That's, oh, wow. I told the story of Thomas a while back, but speaking of Al Bundy, if I'm comfortable somewhere, I subconsciously will put my hand in my pants

and grab my nuts. It's not like a weird thing, at least to me, but it is weird to a lot of other people. Absolutely. But I try to tell people that it's a compliment. Like, I've been at Super Bowl parties with people that it's a compliment like i've been at super bowl i've been at super bowl parties with people that i kind of know and i'm at their apartment and i get like three beers in me and a couple hot dogs and my hand is on my dick yeah and like and like a guy no it's because i like you

yeah yeah yeah i'm like like a guy will look over and be like jake dude you can't this is not your house bro and there was one time uh i got too high and uh i was like at a house party and everybody was out on the back patio like smoking and like have like doing party stuff but i'm freaking out so i'm watching uh i'm just watching like amazon fire stick screensavers and just like like talking with god like having a psychotronic interface. And I have my hand on my nuts. Yeah. You're talking to God. Yeah, I'm talking to God.

And this girl opens the side back patio, and she's like, Now, I don't know what she saw, because I was just so chilled out. But I imagine what she saw is a very red, sweaty, fat guy, because I was really fat at the time. With his eyes bugged the fuck out of his head. On a stranger's couch, hand deep in his nutsack. Muttering something about God. Yeah, yeah.

I'm just like, that is the most beautiful reinforce. And I'm like playing. I'm like doing the pinch and roll on the nutsack. And I was like, oh, like I do. Like, here was my response response this made sense in my head oh like i'm not jacking off i'm just chilling which is like that's the move yeah like not what you say i say that all the time i i put the put that like a bumper sticker on your car. I'm not jacking off.

Keep honking. I'm jacking off. Yeah, that was like one of those things where it was kind of a formative experience because now what I'll do. For her, too, I'm sure. Oh, 100%. I don't know. She's told way more people about this than you have. Oh, yeah.

You guys are like the only maybe. Well, the show has like thousands. And I've told that story on the show before a similar one. Right. So like, whatever. Thousands of people. But you're constantly talking to God through your television and fondling your nuts. Yeah, exactly.

Yeah. But now I like I'll go to reach for him, like at a bar if I'm having a really good time or like or just at a friend's place. And I'm like, no. Right. You cannot go Al Bundy mode at fucking Twin Peaks, dude. You will get me-too'd, tasered, tackled, shot, stabbed. I had him confused with Ted Bundy towards the beginning of this conversation.

I was like, I don't know if that's a Ted Bundy move. It might have been an early Ted Bundy move. I don't know. As he was still getting comfortable with it. He was like, what do I like? What's me? What feels like me? early Ted Bundy move. I don't know. As he was still getting comfortable with it. He's like, oh, what do I like? What's me? What feels like me? What's Bundy want?

What does Bundy want to do? What am I into? What kind of guy am I? I'm imagining two slobs at a party sitting in recliners across from each other, and their hands are slowly reaching towards their nuts like an old West shootout or whatever. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Which one of them goes to grab West shootout or whatever. Yeah. Which one of them goes to grab the lesson first?

I should be the quickest draw this side of St. Louis. The other one starts to fall asleep. That's why I hate hanging out at close friends places sometimes because they know about it. They know I'm just chilling. like if there's

more than 10 people there and they're not all my they're like they're friends of friends like my friends will be like uh hey hey uh you got your hand on your nuts and they're yeah you know there's like people around and stuff and i'm like it's yeah it's the like inter social dynamic there of like he does that. I don't want you to have to notice that. And you're like, I'm sorry, I do that. So there's this just, like, 15 words being shouted at each other at a time, and nobody wants to.

And it's, like, not something you have to, like, it would be more garden variety normal if I was, like, an angry drunk. They were like, oh, they were like, oh, Jake just, dude, he drank too much. Like he's, he just wants to wrestle like that. Would. Yeah. Uh, we lost patches there for a second, but anyway, yeah, it'd be like more normal if I was like, um, like, yeah,

I was trying to like double leg, take down people and like, like, dude, like slap box people, but like, they'd be like, oh yeah, I'm used to that guy. No one's used to the guy who's like, hey, man, if I chill too hard, I subconsciously grab my dick and balls. I mean, I'm going to be looking for that then. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because it's like –

Because you know that guy's chilling. Oh, yeah. I'm going to be like – well, I'm going to look at – I'm going to go to a party and be like, I don't know if anybody here is having a good time because I see their hands. I see your hands in the air. I want to see them down there.

Yeah, I want to see them. Yeah. All right. Hey, ladies. Hey, ladies. You know I'm bad. Put your hands on your balls. If you're a top-notch bitch, let me hear you.

Yeah. Saying that at a party where you're just like watching like a 49ers game yeah i've had a super bowl party singing that with my hand on my nut set okay now ladies i'm doing the ladies part too oh yeah yeah you know you bad He's not usually like this. He's just really comfortable right now. He's had 58 Coors Banquets. Look, he could be beating the shit out of people. Somebody's like, I would rather him be doing that.

He can only speak crunk past three beers. Yeah, crunk of knees. Doing like Lil Jon hoots and hollers. Yeah! Yeah! Oh, yeah! Yeah!

What? One of my favorite Lil Jon moments, he guest starred on an episode of Andy Milonakis, the show, and there was an episode where they're sitting on a couch, and Lil Jon's eating Fruity Loops out of a fucking golden chalice. Cool. And Andy Milonakis fucking leans over to him, and he's like,

Fruity monster, fruity, fruity monster. And fucking Lil Jon just spits a mouthful of fucking Fruity Loops in his face. He's like, like, real aggressively. I, like, don't know how they got him on that. I always wanted to know, like, how they called to him and was like, hey, we need you to do this. He just didn't seem like that kind of guy. I don't know.

Yeah, no, no, no. I get it. you to do this he just didn't seem like that kind of guy i don't know yeah no no no i guess andy i think annie milanakis had like a he had songs with like chief keith back in the day yeah that's true yeah he was like yeah that yeah you're right yeah he was sort of dabbling in that right before everyone figured out he was like 36 right like they knew but they like thought about it right you're like i'm doing like oh he's like 45 years old this is like who michael rapaport thinks he is dude i want to get on like uh i need to figure out how to play dungeons and dragons because the

last time i've only ever like tried to play a dungeons and dragons type game once or twice before the last time i tried i blacked out and was never re-invited back not sure what i did uh or said it was probably like hand on the nuts yelling you know yeah i got a picture of what you probably did from just the first beginning of this whole keep going though yeah yeah but it was like i forget what the name of the game was called, but it was a very similar setup. It was like Dice and Story and Loadout, whatever the fuck. I mean, that's it.

He's not wrong. He's not wrong. Isn't one of those games where you use dice? He was shooting craps. Yeah, me and my boy T-Bone play D&D. I lose a lot of money every time. It got pretty violent. The guns were pulled over D&D.

It was kind of wild. Pretend that I was the mystical crackhead. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, right. Yeah, dude. I mean, D&D, I mean mean i've been playing it for uh too long i don't want to i don't want people to know how old i am but i've been playing it for a really long time and uh i mean since since middle school um and i don't know yeah i love the shit out of it it's i

i would say i would say that you should play it with friends. I think a lot of people try to find groups online, but I guess I couldn't do that because the way I play D&D is actually pretty similar to the podcast. It's always just with friends, fucking around. It's just like when I do it with – when I'm not doing it for an audience it's just like way more like focusing on you know like nerd shit and like we try to we try to tell tell stories more than jokes right but it's always like with your friends it's like it's playing it's basically you get to play pretend which is embarrassing but uh it's really fun yeah it sucks for me because i always end up getting characters that like they'll like wear a dress and stuff, and makeup. I'm like,

quit giving me these characters. And they're like, you get to make your own. I'm like, well, this is the only one that fits with the story. I'm like, what the hell?

Why has she got these beautiful breasts? She's so beautiful. She looks like me, but... And Thomas, you're a... Oh, no.

You're a horny geisha, and you want to fuck i'm a beautiful sexy magus mage woman and you've got what ew that's not what is happening i'm so wet i remember the first the first dnd i ever did was when I was at my first semester of college. And it was all just guys who had... I think it was one of the only D&D campaigns on the campus or whatever. It was just these... No one really shouted or anything.

You can say it. I won't be offended. One of the guys was like, Yeah, so my character has schizophrenia secretly. We were all like, what? We were like, are you good, man? And he was like, no, yeah, I'm fine. But my character, like, hears voices and, like, has to deal with that. And it's like, man, like, we were like has to deal with that and it's like man like we're like oh okay dude yeah we can dnd guys they always i guess we can make that work because they want to be epic

right a lot of time it's their chance to be epic which like you know god bless them you know i was it's my chance too i play the same type of character every time i always they're called gish it's just like a spell blade right like a guy uses swords and magic and i'll do that every time even if i'm like oh it'd be interesting to play this kind of character and it's not i'm gonna play the character that makes me feel like exactly the kind of like anime you play like who you want to be yeah absolutely i am every single am every single time. I'm like, yeah, I'm like seven feet tall, 500 pounds, pure muscle. And I have a huge axe. Yeah, absolutely. They're like, so you're just like another like half orc barbarian.

I'm like, absolutely. But to phrase it as, instead of phrasing it as like, he's fucking plagued by these like demons that make him fucking tough. Instead of being like, yeah, he's got... He has borderline personality disorder. So my guy has to take Seroquel and lithium every night. And he sees a therapist Tuesdays and Thursdays from 2 to 3 p.m. He's so rude to his mom. My guy gained 35 pounds from having to take lithium.

And his penis doesn't work from the lithium either it's not me though it's the guy i'm a half orc and yeah he was dating this one girl and she's been saying some shit about him and it's not true yeah yeah yeah yeah so i i have to take a week off because my character is off the wall and murdered his dog. My character has to pay child support, but he's super mad about it. And he should at least have weekends or something. Yeah, yeah. Because it's kind of fucking bullshit.

Because he bought, the character bought the kids, the school shit. The school thing, the binders. So it's kind of bullshit. Listen, the character's been going through a tough fucking time right now yeah and he doesn't need your fucking attitude yes his name's graganar his name's uh jake nar uh fuck you dude i don't want to fucking talk about that that's what, and that's why you weren't invited back. Yeah, so my character is a humble gnome, and even though he buys his nephews zebra cakes every week, he's still not allowed in the gnome kingdom because he has warrants out from the king's palace.

This is stupid. Oh, so the gnome king has boundary issues with his nephews. He can't go to Chuck E. Cheese for the birthday party. He's a magical barrier of restraining. Can't even drink mead with them. Can't even drink mead and play wrestling in the shire because uncle wrestles too close and too passionately. Sorry, the gnome, not the uncle. He's an uncle, but that's

like a title. There's like dukes, there's uncles. It's just like 30 minutes of... Everybody's left. He's down. He does have a schizoaffective disorder. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, so my character invents D&D campaigns to cope.

Thankfully, I would never do that. You're just speaking to this, like, one of the poles on the subway. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're like, so my guy, you know, he, like, has a really big penis. And he can bench press, like, 350 for reps. Yeah, easy. You know, he's got an IQ of like 900. He's read

a lot of books. He's read Lolita. Y'all know who Goku is? Y'all know who Goku is? My character is very smart. He's read all the Harry Potter books as well as all of the Peter Jackson books. Did you almost say Peter Griffin? smart he's read all the harry potter books as well as all of the peter uh jackson books did you almost say peter griffin i was percy jackson's peter jackson books yeah peter jackson actually

rewrote all four of the rings to make them he rewrote it into movies to where yeah to where they're only three hours to read which is is really nice. That would be so cool. Cam always gives me shit for that because I never was drawn to Lord of the Rings, really. Really, dude. Yeah, which is not a usual thing for someone who likes fantasy that much. But I think it's sort of like an urtext thing. It's like, you know, people who don't want to listen to jazz and it's like i hear jazz in um i don't know billy eilish or whatever math rock or whatever the fuck yeah so so it's like they and that's

how i felt about lord of the rings i was like yeah i know what the fuck a dwarf is so i don't need to see the first uh i mean it's's not the first dwarf, but you understand. It's not actually the first dwarf, so... My uncle was actually the first dwarf. Yeah, right? I'm imagining some, like, 40-year-old guy, like you said, being like, yeah, I listen to Billie Eilish because she's the closest thing to Miles Davis

you can find nowadays. Yeah, right. And it's the closest thing to me trying to connect with my niece again. Well, the character's trying to connect with a niece. The character. I don't care about Billie Eilish at all or the fact that she turned 18 exactly three months, 14 days, six hours, and 13 minutes ago. That's not a thing I care about. Yeah, I care less about that than anyone. That's not a thing I care about.

Yeah, I care less about that than anyone. I never even pay attention to that stuff. Look, my character, bro, he doesn't even know. My character, bro, doesn't even know, like, her birth sign, like, her son's sign and stuff. Compatibility and all that, you know. Yeah, yeah, don't even know. I don't put her into like what is that shit called the fucking what's the name of the app that uh that the fucking that the horoscopes are in babe co-star co-star yeah that's it i know it because i've i've i've

also been around women so yeah i think i need a co-star for this dang Diet Coke so I don't get some water on the table with my white boys. Oh, yes. I've fucking given up on my desk because it's my desk. And so I'm like a – when I have guests over and they put a drink down, and I try to do it in a totally unobtrusive way where I always pick up their drink, put it under the coaster. And it's not – it's just like whatever. But if it's like – that's if it's like a coffee table or if it's like a dining room table. But if it's my desk where I do my work or my bullshit, I'm just, I don't give a fuck. Like I just like make it a mess because I'm like, it's a reflection of my self-worth.

I don't care. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I kind of like, now that I like look at my desk and I see I have like, it looks like the fucking Olympics rings. And I just kind of wish I like maybe, like the fucking olympics rings and i just kind of wish i like maybe like now i started putting my drinks on my i have like a giant mouse pad and i started putting my drinks there because i don't need all the room for my mouse right and so that's like that's my desk is so fucking crowded now i'm always surrounded with liquids man when i uh when i was when i had the workspace in my old place, it was like rain, cans, and then Miller High Life bottles.

Oh, cat's getting killed again. What? What's up? Nothing. You can't just say cat's getting killed again and be like, it's nothing. No, there's this, my neighbor's cat like once a week. Dies? It's just killed.

It's not a different cat, and I don't think it's ever really died, but... It just... It sounds like... Like, it makes the noises like it is. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, completely croaked. I've never... I've never heard a cat die.

And then it jumps over my fence and hangs out the next day. Really? But it just made a noise. Like, it just got straight up. Thomas, you must collect the gems. Thomas. No, I think some of the neighborhood cats fight, which is honestly so good for them. Dude, when I was, I used to live in Queens, and I lived on the first floor in this apartment building.

I lived on the first floor in this apartment building, and outside my window, every other night, not every other night, but every once in a while, I would hear a cat, for sure, fighting. Something that sounded like a fucking, like, robot. I had never fucking heard any, I think it was a raccoon or something, or like a possum. Something where, like, I've never heard something like it. It's like... It was like fucking, like, scared the shit out of me. And I still don't know what that animal was, and I really hope it was an animal and not something else. Yeah. Some sort of cryptic.

Yeah. I'm now hearing, like, four cats outside. I heard you talking shit, and they're like, they're coming to fuck you up, dude. Yeah, dude. Can you hear that? No, I can't hear it. I'm going to turn my gain up briefly. Okay.

That's going to be good for everyone. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I can't hear it, brother. It's a directional mic you got. You can try pointing it towards the cats. Point it at the mewing it went away now I'm going to seem insane

I told Jake that there's this like train crossing intersection near my house and it sounds haunted at night yeah and he seemed like he didn't believe me and then it started right as we both like dude it is so fucking weird what does it sound like dude it sounds like it's like uh it sounds like a horror movie music it's like discord okay like tritones and it's like oh we're weird so imagine like if if like there was like a broken down

subway yeah that went around new york and there there were no other noises in new york you know how scary that would be that would be awful it's dead but the first few days i lived here i did not realize that there was a train crossing nearby. And I had no idea what it was. And it would go on all night. And I was alone in the house, and I was just like, dude, this is not good. It was that and the same cat every other night getting obliterated. Yeah, this is awful.

Right outside my door. You're painting a pretty fucking horrifying picture. And then people will come and park in front of my house with the car running for like five hours and then just leave. Like three days before I came to visit, Thomas was like, yeah. So like there's always broken glass in the driveway. The attic makes noises. There's like a weird screeching sound.'m like dude are you invited like where do you live like the amityville whore like why the fuck are you invited he's like yeah so like there's a ghoul and a goblin that

live here yeah like so i went to clean the driveway because it's like dirt and rocks and stuff because i noticed all the broken glass and so I sort of like raked a little bit deeper in the dirt to get like more glass. And there was just like maggots. Yeah, that's the other thing. Like actual live maggots were writhing around in the dirt. And I was like, what have I done that maggots would be warranted to punish me?

Like, what? If you see maggots, I feel like you have to have, like, killed somebody. I had a maggots situation once. You probably killed somebody. I have, and this is a confession. No, I, because I don't want to leave the house thing because there's a lot to unpack there. But I was cleaning my garbage. This was back also when I was in Queens, and I was cleaning it.

And, you know, because we just – you just clean your garbage cans. And one time I just, like, I flipped over the lid and started cleaning it, and I just was – And, yeah, it was just, like, me squishing through a bunch of maggot eggs. And it was, like, one of the most horrible. It was just, like, such an upsetting. And I was alone in my apartment. So my fiance was, like, at work or something. And I was working from home so i then like had to go outside and just like got the fucking like an arsenal of just like cleaning shit and just like try to rid the entire like

matt yeah like like that does make me think you're cursed because they're maggots are pretty much like sign of decay right yeah really just awful awful yeah awful i think like cockroaches freak me out more. And not that they live after nuclear bomb, like whatever, that shit. But they just move in such an unsettling way. I don't know how to describe it. They remind me this is the closest thing I could think of to a cockroach is Kramer in Seinfeld. And you're going to have to hear me out because I love Kramer in Seinfeld. And you're going to have to hear me out, because I love Kramer and Seinfeld,

and just Seinfeld, no other ways that Kramer expresses himself. And one of my favorite parts about Kramer and Seinfeld is that he moves, like it's a multicam sitcom, but he moves on the screen like nobody else in any multicam sitcom. He has like, he's completely erratic and like a jerky and he delivers yeah yeah and he he delivers lines in a weird way and so he feels like kind of out of place in a multicam sitcom but it makes him funnier i uh i i think you know i think it's time we redeem kramer what do you guys say

we should have him on I think it's time we redeem Kramer. What do you guys say? We should have him on. Patches, we got a surprise for you. He just pops up on Zoom. Yeah. He's got like the laugh factory for his Zoom background. Oh my God. No, no.

Hey, everybody. Patches here uh so uh my audio kept fucking up and then the zoom kept crashing so uh some part of the conversation got missed but basically what happened I think what was what we were talking about was that Thomas eats too much and then he can't um then uh it's about how Thomas eats a lot and when he he does, he gets sleepy and he can't help Jake do anything with Pindeo time. Yeah, I think that's what happened. The Kramer riff, that was basically the high point. Was Thomas saying we should have Kramer on the show.

Or they should have Kramer on the show. All right, take it easy, bye. He'll eat like 16 more hamburgers. He'll eat like 16 more hamburgers. First off, I almost always remember to send them over, except for roughly once a month when I don't. What I'll do is I'll – Sometimes you send the wrong ones. Okay, I mostly do that right at the beginning.

I figure out how to do the M4A to MP3 thing smoothly. But what I'll do is I'll get the files download them i'll upload them convert the info the zoom thing to an mp3 i'll have it i'll upload it to google drive and then i will not share with jake i will go to sleep and jake will text me at like 1 p.m at work the next day like it's a little peek behind the curtain. Like, hey, man, we do have a podcast. And then I would be like, oh, that's correct. Oh, hell. You mind if I get home at like 11.59

and then we can still release it on time? Do you guys get bugged by folks? I don't know what's – do you guys get bugged by folks? I don't know what's... Do you guys get bugged by people when it's not out? Oh, not when it's not out. Because we're pretty good about at least having on the same day every time. Right, yeah. There was one time during the winter snap here in Texas

when I didn't have power for a day and a half, two days, and it was freezing in my apartment, you know, we're eating, like, bean dip and fucking living off random gas station food. Nice. There was one guy that was like, hey, where's the episode? I'm a patron. And I was like, you know we're from Texas because we talk about it, I don't know, every fucking episode. Right. You know that, like, half of this stage has no power.

So do you think I'm going to, like, spin a fucking, like, steam engine up, dude? Like, get a generator going to make you – Right. To get you your slop on top? No. We took a week off. Thomas, I think, had power, but I did not. Yeah, I was fine.

I mean, that's enough, though, to be like, you should be – you get to have a week off. That's enough, though, to be like, you get to have a week off. That's enough. I actually offered to do a solo app where I just sort of talked for an hour, and Jake was like, absolutely not. You know, we had Pat do that at one point. Yeah, I saw that. It was very funny.

It was only like 20-ish minutes, I think, though. It was very was very funny it was only like 20 or ish minutes i think though it was very very funny it was just sort of pat getting like progressively more anxious about uh birds i think um and it was very funny and he he even he edited it too and like he sort of uh which was very fun he picked up on moments where he is his mind was drifting, and he put this little somber sort of music underneath it. It was very good. So I think I would be interested in a Thomas one. An hour is tough. I think an hour talking alone, it's not anything against anybody.

An hour of most people talking by themselves is rough. Unless you're the skit's effective character we were talking about earlier. Otherwise, quite different. Yeah, well, that's sort of when i get tired enough that's just who i am right so it works yeah yeah the only guy that i've known that that they can do it uh is like tim dylan doesn't but he like he has been like having another person just even in the room oh yeah just reacting and like oh my god laughing like a slight yeah yeah yeah like it'll just be an hour of tim like rambling and like ben will be like uh-huh yeah right or laugh or whatever but i can't imagine like some of bill burr's stuff or like mark

maron i can't we're just just like an hour of like i used to be able to go to the store and now i can't no more it's like that for like an hour is it and i like the bill burr mark maron approximation becomes yeah it becomes some kind of like a train that can talk yeah yeah it's just i don't know this is my it's like gilbert godfrey on like yeah on speed i'm bill i'mman. I'm Mark Maron. And I'm having a really rough time. You didn't like find a place in between them. You just sort of put one on top of the other. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

No, but I agree with you, though, where it's like it's just tough to like nothing even against them. Like it's literally just like, man, I don't like to listen to anybody for an hour. No, no. I don't. Unless it's anybody for an hour. No, no. I don't. Unless it's in, like, a sermon or something. Yeah, of course. If I'm going to church. Well, that's church.

That's different, man. That's completely fucking different. And you know how I feel about that. You just made me realize that, like, dude. They should have, like, five or six pastors in it. Just shooting the breeze. Yeah, sort of like a relief pastor, right? Is put in there towards the end, yeah.

They do an hour three times a week. Hour and a half sometimes. Yeah, dude, like, just going up and doing fucking an hour and a half of, like... I was raised Baptist, so it would be, like... It would be fucking, like, washed in the blood of the lamb. Yes. And then it would be, like washed in the blood of the lamb. And then it would be like, uh,

if you don't give me $10, you're fucked. Like it, uh, we had like a very fire and brimstone type. I remember like as a kid, it, it wasn't like, like even our youth group was like

all the like so some guy would come up some like child predator would go up and play g and c on the guitar with like the capo on like the fifth fret it's important chords for every child predator to learn right and he would be like if you're suffering, if you're, hey, if you're out there, and you are thinking about impure thoughts, you need to come up here and you need to tell them in my ears. And you need to whisper them to me and you need to liberate yourself. Because I got skin tight Levi's. Yeah, right.

And I got a beanie and a deep V. I was going to say, they're either the deep V or it was back when you'd have a T-shirt and a long sleeve underneath it. Yeah, those were the two ones where you were like, it was like a 48-year-old guy that was like, I know who Tony Hawk is. Yeah, all right, Jesse Lacey. It's like, get away from my son.

Yeah, yeah. You really think you can't trust a 52-year-old man with chucks and a flannel on? Yeah. A guy wearing the Nirvana shirt you get from Walmart with, like, the X's for the I's. He was like, yeah, smells like teen spirit. Do you have a phone number? I could have.

Do you want to come to my apartment and pray with me? That was... Come to my apartment and pray with me? That was... Come to my house. Church. We can watch cars too. We could read a couple verses. Are you 18?

I don't care. Never mind. Hurry up. The choice is yours. Just kidding. It's kind of not. It's mostly mine. Anyway.

We want to go to hell. Yeah. So those guys, though, right? Yeah. yeah so those guys though right yeah yeah that was like our our uh i i know i've told this times before on the show but like our our youth group for young men was like you let it right it was just me yeah you let it uh yeah i i was uh yeah i was the guy we were just joking about. I've lied about every aspect of my life. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It was very like, it's a cliche for a reason. Dolly, my dog's going nuts. My dog's going nuts. My dog's going nuts. It was very like masturbation centered it was like hey i know y'all are all 13 and i'm a 33 year old man but uh jacking off ain't cool brother and you're like it wasn't until i was old that i was like look i get the message but like why is a guy who, like, has been able to drink legally for, like, 15 years telling me, like, telling me about beating my drink? Right.

Like, when I go to a Super Bowl party, I should be able to put my hand on my balls. Yeah, yeah, yeah. When I go to a Super Bowl party at 25, I should be able to just slide the hand in between the fucking pants and go to town. No, it's, I mean, man, that shit will. So I didn't grow up, oh, boy. Now I'm the train. Yeah, yeah. I grew up Catholic.

And, yeah. Oh, thanks, bud. But for real, like, I didn't jerk off until I was 18, man. Holy shit. Dude, that rocks. Dude, and I did shit with girls, and I just, like, I didn't touch my dick, though. Dude, you, man, that is a rare breed where you were, like, fucking around, but you weren't beat. Yeah, dude.

That is nuts. I can't. It makes me, me like afraid of me like i get like i i'm sometimes afraid not like like i'm i'm epic it's like i'll tell people that and i'll be like they'll first of all i have to you know select company can hear anything about that but then once i tell people that some people are like oh oh what because that you seem like you're kind of wrong in the head it's like i was i was very catholic yeah i i don't i can't imagine like you know you you get you're like dude i would i would get in there and you're like oh my god i've read when i read the scarlet letter in in high school and the the uh uh the the the priest

who just would flog himself i would read that and be like that guy's got it all figured out he did something wrong he goes in the closet and he makes it his problem and nobody else's he's fucking figured it out i think that's, like, special type of guy to be. Yeah, dude. Yeah, dude. I've been, like, getting mad pussy. And then, like, the conversation shifts. And your friend's like, when's the last time you jacked off?

And you're like, oh, never. Oh, yeah. And they're like, wait, what? You're like, yeah, no, I mean, I get hella blowjobs. I won't beat my dick. That's what was happening. It was crazy. Not hella.

Like, I'm not trying to be like like i was a i was a pimp but like yeah i was you know whatever i had like i had a couple uh uh girls i was going steady with and and and we and we've we got up to to no good but then i would go home robbed a bank or something yeah and we'd rob a bank and then i would never and i wouldn't touch my dick The whole time Right No I would just get like Rock fucking hard

And then I'd just be like Shit I guess I just gotta go eat something Or whatever Like Cause I ain't dealing with this right now And I don't know And I'll And you know

My girlfriend I can't drive So you know She's gotta get over here And I don't wanna I'll just go eat something I'll eat until I can't Until my dick's limp Like you know Yeah yeah That's how I'll take care of this You're just sitting here over here and i don't want to buy i'll just go eat something i'll eat until i can't until my

dick's limp like you know yeah yeah that's i'll take care of this sitting at like cc's pizza or like rock solid oh sparrows baby we're in new york yeah authentic new york pizza the the fucking line cook's like hey buddy it says all you eat, but you can't eat this much. And you're like, I need you to shut the fuck up. I just hold up my cross, and I just go. Like I'm dealing with it. He goes, hey. All right.

No problem. You stand up straight, and you're just fucking fully tanned. I'm like, oh, I understand. I'm sorry. You are better than I was yeah eat as much as you want it's a it's a trip being catholic man because it's like also like i grew up in a catholic town so like like i didn't even know that like catholics were like only like you know 20 which is a good amount but like 20 of the country i country. I was just like, shit, everybody's Catholic.

No one's touching their dick. And then you like find out that like most of the country is, you know, some, you know, Lutheran denomination of some kind. It's mostly Lutherans. Yeah. A lot of Pentecostals. Yeah. It's a 95% Methodist country.

Yeah. And so you're just like, oh, all right. So now there's really no, like, I remember distinctly, like, you know, whatever. I don't know if I, like, I guess I'm agnostic now because I'm a pussy. But I, like, just remember, like, not really believing in God anymore. And then just being like, I guess I can do this now. And just, like, getting it done. Are you telling me that your driving motivation for finally jacking off was losing your faith in God?

Absolutely. That is awesome. Oh, dude. Oh, yeah. And I wasn't, like, I didn't,'t like do my rosary every time I did shit. It was just, it was kind of like a point of pride. Because it was like, I'm stronger because I don't do this. And if I happen to fuck with Jesus Christ, that's chill.

You know? And that was like one of the things I was about, which is just abysmal. You were just walking around with it just, you know, in your hands. And you're like, this? I'm saving this for the movie. I was just walking around. BG's playing. I'm like rock hard going down the hallway.

The principal's like, you got to. More than a woman. Yeah, you got to go home. Like you can't be doing that, man. I remember I went to this mental hospital, and there was this guy who I think, like, didn't know how to. And so he would just walk around just with it absolutely throbbing. And there was this Mexican kid in there who was just in there for, like,

beating people up. And he was like, man, you gotta take care of your shit. He was like, we at lunch right now. He was just walking around fully hard. You gotta take care of your shit, man.

He was like, come on, man. Get that thing away from me. Damn, because you're making me hungry. He's licking his lips. I know a guy, he don't beat off, he just eats. He go to Zabaro and he eat. Have you tried that?

Why don't you just eat, man? You might see my shooter at Zabaro. You might see my boy Patch's rock salad at Zabaro. Roll! 17 slices. Yeah, I was about 400 pounds in high school, but I was getting pussy and never touching myself. Were you really 400 pounds?

No, no, no. Dude, I was about to say, bro, you do not look like you were kind of above, like, 150. Yeah, I was just kidding. Well, because I'm also, you know what? I'm also, like, a short little man, and so that keeps the helps. You're not a tiny guy. I'm not.

I don't give off – I'm 5'7", which is not like – That's average height. It's average height globally, but in this country, you get – Hey, here's the thing, Patches. I'll tell you this. What's up, player? If you are not 5'4", you can say your average height, and people will just be like –

That's real. People will be like, yeah. Yeah, that height, and people will just be like, yeah. Yeah, people will just go like, okay. Everyone can say they're 5'9", once they're above 5'7". Because 5'11 is a really annoying height to be, because people are like, oh, yeah, it's average height. And I'm like, no. It's not.

It's almost. It's like average height. And I'm like, no. It's not. It's almost. It's almost average. But. But. But. But I'm a half orc. Yeah, 350 pounds, pure muscle. Solid muscle.

Yeah, I wouldn't know anything about that. I'm six feet. You know, I wouldn't know anything. We were like the same size. I wouldn't know anything about that. I'm six feet. You know, I wouldn't know anything. We were, like, the same size. I was thinking about the other day how intimate it is to go back-to-back with somebody.

When you're measuring height, I feel like that's, like, a very revealing, like, emotional thing for guys to do. To be like, let's do this. Let's see where we're at. The worst was in high school when, like, or, like, middle school when girls would be, like, would, like would do that to guys. Be like, oh, let's see who's taller. You realize if you're taller than me as a woman, now that I'm grown or whatever, I just wouldn't let a woman do that to me.

But back then it was like, I guess I have to go through this. And if I lose, I have to commit seppuku or whatever. If I lose, I'm on all fours and I'm panting like a dog. Now, if a woman asked me to prove my height now, I would just... And I don't mean this in a mean way or anything, but I would hit her. I would punch, I would slap or punch her. I would hit her in the face. Absolutely.

Folks, this is a little life lesson from Thomas. If a girl asks you how tall you are, you can hit her. Anyway. Thomas. The Thomas Challenger that we... No, no, no. Don't do that. You guys do have some tier one operators who listen to this, and I don't think. I don't think they interact with women enough.

That's the plan. You have to talk to one first. You have to build up that courage, and then you'll cross that bridge when you come to. Thomas has talked to so many women that he's comfortable smacking them that's exactly what elliot rogers did he did the same thing yeah you just got really comfortable around yeah and that was the women like it when you're really comfortable you just start like punching the wall and like ripping doors down and yeah do you dude i love you i said i fucking love you yeah dude girls love it when i just when i just get like so angry and i try to rip a phone book in half and i can't and

so i throw it at my tv yeah girls like it when i listen to fucking slipknot at 185 decibels pull my own hair out yeah when i try and punch a hole in the wall but i hit a stud immediately and my body breaks in half you just shattered like a looney tune you fucking break into like a million girls love when i do 80 in a 55 zone and and i just look at her and i say you like this you like this you like this and and uh and she's like please look at the road and you're like do you like this you have to answer the question every time she doesn't answer you go up 10 an hour and you've laid out those rules beforehand so she knows what's happening it's in the tinder by yeah i like i like to go 155 and a 55 and i like to ask you do you like this do you like this do you like this

if you don't answer i i put the nos on speed now we're talking speed limit where you guys are like what's your there's a road between there's a road between san antonio and austin that's 85 most people do like 95 to 100 yeah i mean honestly in between houston and austin there's a road called i-10 and if you're in the fucking left lane yeah you're doing like you're doing like 95 shit yeah 95 i would say like average freeway speed here is like 80. Wow. Like, like if the speed limit is 75, maybe,

but if you're doing less than 80, it's like, come on, man. No, see, I was in Montana, uh, last week and it was fucking great time.

But, um, I, and I was, but I was not, uh, I guess, you know,

cause of, uh, the COVID thing, like I've just been in New York at 55. So that's what we see. It's what Jimmy Carter did for us. And like, whenever I guess, you know, because of the COVID thing, like, I've just been in New York, and 55 is what we see. It's what Jimmy Carter did for us. And, like, whenever I was seeing, like, just seeing the sign 70, and I'm like, I can do that? Like, you know, because I go 70 if I see 55, like, whatever. Like, everybody's going 70, but, like, seeing, like, that was just, like, mind-blowing.

Like, it's awesome. Yeah, the, we also have, like, a lot of road deaths. Yeah, the infrastructure's really bad, so there might be, like, a giant pothole or whatever. Yeah, you'll be doing 85, like, on a, on a massive stretch of road where there's not a hospital for, like, because Texas is fucking huge. Yes. So you're doing, like, 85 miles an hour in some podunk town with, like, 11 people in it. Right.

And you'll just hear, you do the thing where you're waiting for the car to just stop moving. Then you just keep cruising along. You know that if your car would have flipped, there's not a soul around that's going to get your ass until you've been bled

out for a couple minutes. That's actually terrifying. If you're up in the panhandle, it's cool because it's like like if you go to lubbock or whatever from north from like where i am it's like it's a decent drive but that you can go like 50 miles or whatever and there's like nothing not an exit not a gas station so it's like if you if your car breaks down it's like nice this is like where i die yeah that's yeah yeah i mean i guess i don't know i've never been far enough upstate in here in new york because you go far enough upstate here it gets pretty fucking different real fast but you know

what i think it's still just it's i mean it's just just it's just math right as far as just like the amount of land and shit like texas you could just have that you could have fucking 50 miles of that and it's just there's just still not enough people to fucking populate that or not enough shit there that you would want to have the people would want to be there like that's just nuts yeah i mean it's you get to like texas and louisiana dude like when i made the road trip to mary I drove through parts of Louisiana at night that, like, there is just, I mean, it's just, like, one little road and it's just swamp and it's, like, man, if something, if I flip my fucking shit, dude, it would be. I will belong to the swamp. Yeah, yeah.

I'm going to be alligator food, dude. There's just, like, to the left of me is just, like, mangrove. Right. There's, I'm in a jungle like right this place was not to be meant to be driven or even walked through by human this is you're you're going like 150 miles an hour you're like this is sin what i'm doing is sin yeah yeah yeah there's like there's fucking wendigos and shit yeah fucking like like like whatever the fuck cryptids like like, they live out here. Absolutely. And I'm just in my Nissan just, like, praying to God. Also, like, dude, the long stretches at night, like, I don't like driving at night.

Oh, yeah. Through, like, those parts of Texas. Oh, yeah. Not because of any spooky, like, ghosts. No, it's just fucking dark, man. Dude, it's pitch black. It's just fucking, yeah, I know exactly, like, when I'm far enough out on Long Island, like, not Hamptons, the... Patch has got a house in the Hamptons.

No, no, fucking, no. Your other house. But it's just like, and you're just driving along the roads out, like, way out there, or similarly, like, far enough upstate, and it's just fucking pitch black it's fucking terror i it there is nothing scarier sometimes man like yeah oh my god sorry i keep going no it's just like the whole fucking state dude like yeah i i don't know if it's also like being from houston like there's a like millions of people live in the city it's the fourth biggest city in the fucking country but practically nothing to show for it all the fucking roads dude like like the whole swinging and banging thing was invented partly to it like you're avoiding like pot like right we're not talking potholes dude we're talking like recesses like deep crevasses within

the concrete that like will just take your fucking front exit and clean the fuck off. That's fucked. And the city's like, we built a statue of a girl. They're like, how much did that cost? And they're like, $48 million. You want to fucking melt that down and put that on the fucking road. Yeah, yeah. Like, what about the fucking 30 holes on my way to work that, like, blows my shit the fuck out?

You're lucky your shit's getting blowed out, brother. That's what they would say. Oh, yeah. I go home to my wife. I'm lucky if I get teeth. Boom, boom, boom. Not my old lady. I had a stroke.

Well, hey, I wanted to plug. I want to thank you for fucking coming to join us, man. Yeah. Do the fucking goddamn plugs and shit. Yeah, of course. Thank you for having me. Of course. It was a fucking good old time.

I'm going to have a blast trying to fucking do this. Yeah, I'm sorry about that. I know it happened. Well, it is your fault, man. We're going to choose to blame you, I guess, even though it's not, you know, someone to, we're using you as a scapegoat. Absolutely, and I would love it. That's fine.

The ones where Thomas' Zoom goes out really bad, I'll be trying to match the audio up, and it'll be like 43 seconds of Zoom silence, but Thomas is talking on his Audacity, and like the beginning of the Zoom story is Thomas like, yeah, boom, come on, and then like 30 seconds of silence, and like Raccoon came out, and then like 30 seconds of silence and like raccoon came out like 10 other seconds of silence it's like he had a hat oh thomas didn't take his adderall today

it's like more silence it's like raccoon had my dad's face and he was speaking to me in a dead language and the necromancer was there like but yeah they're all true stories uh fuck um if you don't already there's a lot of crossover but uh podcast about list go fucking dnd tier the the $10 tier go fucking yeah go fucking check that please do everybody who's not already there. We have a good time. Thank you guys for the plug. Please listen to it, though. I would love to have you there. For sure.

And we did some little fun work. If you decide to do that, we did some fun work with Patches before the show. You'll get to hear that. There'll be a little PT crossover. A little wet t-shirt contest. Show a little something something. Yeah. A little something for the fans. Audio only.

It's going to be great. Audio only wet t-shirt contest. Ooh. Guys saying ooh. Wow. Alright fellas. Hey. Peace. Peace. Love. And everything that comes with it.

Alright. Thank you. Hey everybody, Patches here. So, my audio kept fucking up and then the Zoom kept crashing, so some part of the conversation got missed. But basically what happened, I think, what we were talking about was that Thomas eats too much and then he can't... It's about how Thomas eats too much and then he can't. It's about how Thomas eats a lot. And when he does, he gets sleepy and he can't help Jake do anything with Pindeo time. Yeah, I think that's what happened. The Kramer riff, that was basically the high point, was Thomas saying we should have Kramer on the show.

Or they should have Kramer on the show. All right, take it easy. Bye.