Pendejo Time - zzzzzzzzzzz

Episode Date: May 25, 2022

sick and sleepy sorry. monday should be good. Support the Show.

My friends are in the bathroom eating diapers, pooping in your face. We can't already succumb to like that. No, I've been singing that for a few minutes before we started. This was a pre-planned bit. I didn't have a second part. But I know Nate is our most loyal listener. I've never even talked to the guy. So I'm sure that he...

I talk to him every single morning. I shake him awake and I say, write me a hit. Write me a hit, Nate. I want a hit. I want a billboard chart topper. It's cool to have friends that are wildly successful in their chosen they're like chosen

dream endeavor and then also like you know like having i guess having known them when they weren't so it's always like you know hey what are you doing today it's like i mean we're just heading to you know malibu for the weekend or whatever and then i got a flight of the uk and then we're doing shows in norway and I'm like, oh, cool, man. Can I have like 50 million? It wouldn't really hurt your bottom line like at all to just give me like, you know, five billion dollars. Yeah, I know I'm the first person to ask you, but can I have five thousand dollars? Yeah. Yeah.

I know that like you consider us friends. I want you to know that we're not. I don't consider us that you to me are like like if I ask you enough and you don't get mad at me, that eventually you'll give me like 10 grand. It won't hurt you at all to give me like $25,000. Because I know that you have it liquid, ready to go. There's no way that you don't. And I know that it really wouldn't affect you that much.

Actually, I'm not like that at all. That would be really fucked up, but I probably wouldn't have any friends. But do not. Dude, your lower labrum is going to tear, and you're just going to fucking dis- No, this is how you get swole, Jake. You never stop lifting. Thomas' overhead pressing, I think that sewing machine from the fucking 20s. Yeah, it's from 1906.

Yeah, dude, it weighs like 55 pounds. It's not light. It's not light because it's dark. Right. Dude, you just took two Benadryl, didn't you? No, I actually have had an unhealthy amount of caffeine today. Really? Yeah, yeah.

Because you sound like you knew we were about to record, but you got itchy, so you took two Benadryl. Two Benadryl? Yeah. Because, you know, to me, you the shit Benadryl. Yeah. You take Menadryl because you have sex with guys. Benadryl? How about menadryl Cause you Yeah Have sex with guys

Menadryl How about How about womenadryl And it's just for the gals Mmhmm Fuckin' hell Ah fuck man You know

I was at I went to go get a Coconut water From the gas station yesterday And I like I like pull up in front of the gas station. And I hear over the music in my car. And I see the lady that owns.

She like works at the homeless shelter next to the gas station. And she has a big broom. And she's like, I will knock you the fuck out cold here with this broom. I will fucking beat you. I will beat the fuck out of you. And I'm like, hell yeah. I showed up to the gas station at the right time. I get out of the car, and I look behind me,

and like speed walking is this like pot-bellied, fat, insane, old homeless white dude, and he's letting her have it. You know, he's calling her names, you know, that we won't repeat on this show. Nancy. Yeah, Nintendo, stuff like that. Yeah, yeah. Dromula.

Nitro Dubs. Yeah, it's, you know. Flippy the Scooter. Big Poopy, Big Poopy Pants. You know, Tits McGee. Skimpy. Yeah, June June Bug. Charlotte and the Wave. Big Dogs, House of Horrors. big poopy pants poop uh you know tits mcgee skimpy yeah june june bug charlotte in the wave uh big dogs house of horrors uh you know uh hoopie hoopie hoopty do hoop a stank wimps chagrin yeah

uh wizard wizards lament you know um hell boy you know courage the cowardly dog, just all the names, you know, that normally, you know, they're not OK to say. And she's like, all right, then come over here and get this ass whooping. And he's like, all right. So he like I like walk in the store and I don't want to have my back to this guy because he's like reaching in his bag to get something. And I'm like, it's probably like a bottle of something. But I don't fucking know. Homeless people, you know, can have straps or whatever, and I don't want to get shot in the back by a homeless guy.

Coward. He's like five feet from her, and she's swinging the broom. I'm inside the store. The fucking guy behind the cash register goes to her, hey, can I have my broom back? I don't know how she got his broom, because she doesn't work at that gas station. But she has his push broom, I guess. I'm not sure how she got it.

I don't think he gave it to her. He was like, can you have that back, please? Like was yelling at her. And the homeless guy gets like five feet from her and she's swinging the broom around. And I'm like, I'm going to see a pretty cool fight here. And, you know, he's still calling her bad names and stuff. And then out of nowhere, like I did not see where the guy came from because I'm right at the door watching this happen. It's like he just apparated from around the corner.

About five, eight, five, nine, 60 plus year old black dude, but completely like swole white wife beater stained to shit and then jean shorts that were so low that like the top of his penis like you could see the base and uh you know he was like what's going on like just like player three joins the game like in smash bros like he just dropped like you know and the guy's like he's chasing me and she's chasing me with a broom and the guy's like, he's chasing me and she's chasing me with a broom. And the guy's like, all right, so what's the deal? Like, y'all going to mix it up? And the lady's like, I'm about to knock his ass out. Because he was calling me the N-word or whatever. And the white guy looks at the black dude and was like, I did not call her that.

And the black guy's like, yeah, you did. You did, no? You said it, I heard you say it, and the guy's like, it's like he's watching him shrink. He's just like, I never said that. She said that I can't stay at the shelter. And she's like, look, he's like, you just need to get your backpack and whatever you got in there, you need to put that away.

You understand me? And the guy's like, I mean, I don't don't feel like he's like shut the fuck up you're not listening to me and the whole time he's got a newport hanging out of his mouth but he's talking to the guy and like he's dragging the cigarette in between he's just like cool calm collected not worried about anything not worried about like what kind of weapon that guy had. Just was like, you're going to go across the street now. Okay. And that's going to be the end of that.

She's going to go back to what she's doing. And I don't want to see you at my gas station no more. It's not his. I've seen him there a couple times. He hangs out like by the food truck across the street. Is this another homeless guy? Yeah, he's homeless. A hundred percent.

Yeah. I've seen him hang out there. I've him like a beer and like every now and then i buy him like you know a black and mild or over the fuck and uh the late you know the guy like fucks off or whatever and i'm in there trying to get my fucking snacks and shit and uh she hands the broom back the gas station guy and he takes it back in and she was like he he was like uh you know thanks for my broom or whatever and she was like no thank you i was gonna knock his ass out with it or whatever and he was like she goes on a tirade and he was like please don't take my broom anymore he was just like i don't man i don't give a fuck about he's like and i've talked to the guy before

because i've seen like lots of cops in and out of that gas station it's it's next to a homeless shelter and then it's also like right by the feeder road so it's like there's just it's not like a crime heavy area it's just a lot of guys just pull their pants down and like start jagging off like that's what he has to deal with or whatever but i like i i was obsessed with this like and dude when the comp when the when the threat was was that dude just walked around a corner and it's like he disappeared. Like I went back to my car and I like look down the road to see if he just like he just was like, oh, no, no, we ain't doing this shit today. You understand me? And the guy was like, all right.

It's just like the cool. No, no punches thrown. Just the ultimate diplomat, I guess, of the Austin homeless community. Also, it's like to see a dude punk a guy, because the guy was, that's what happened. Like he got just bitch made with the top of his penis hanging out of like it's jean shorts. Like that is a tough, that's a tough guy. Like you're not even pulling your pants up ready to fight. If you throw one punch, your pants are falling off and you're fighting with your dick out that guy did not care he was it just was

inconsequential to him in that moment like it was one of like it wasn't anything crazy nobody died but like that guy had swag he probably has had swag his whole life he just doesn't have a house anymore you know he just needs a little bit of opportunity a little bit of uh a little bit of doors to open for him in his life you know okay okay whatever yeah man you're really you're really helpful when it comes to doing the show story fucking sucks. That's so boring. Oh, well, you only believe as the conversation happens.

You need to wake up, Jake, because it's a crazy world we live in. Yeah. I gave a homeless guy $2 the other day. Yeah. No need to clap or anything. I had $2 the other day. Yeah. No need to clap or anything.

And he had his wits about him. You know, nice guy or whatever. Anyway, I handed it to him out the window because the light's about to turn green. Light turns green and, you know, the car in front of me goes. Then I go. lights light turns green and you know the car in front of me goes then i go and as i'm going i watch him just calmly empty his big water bottle and then also like a bottle of juice he had it looked like he was just like oh two dollars i'm destroying everything i have and he wasn't i could tell he wasn't hiring anything yeah he just was like i'm rich i don't his brain wasn't it didn't seem like his brain was like destroyed or anything.

Yeah. Money good right now. Yeah, $2? Let's see, that's what. All the money in the world. Yeah, fuck this juice. I'm done. Fuck this water.

Yeah. He had like a gallon of water. He just fucking poured it out on the ground. It wasn't like a piss jug. It was water. Yeah, it was like. Pour it out on the ground it wasn't like a piss jug it was water it was like yeah i was like i like the idea of like uh like getting any amount of money and being like i'm done being homeless i'm fucking done i'm throwing this big bag over a fucking bridge yeah i'm fucking dude i'm what are you what are you looking at, you broke bitch?

I'm going to go buy a house right now. I got $2, dude. Dude, I handed a fucking... I may have told you this when we first started the show, but right when I first moved to Austin, I fucking... I always kept a lot of quarters on me and shit because I had a bad tire,

and so I would need it for filling my fucking air or whatever. And I pull up under the underpass, and there's a homeless guy out there and uh you know he like you know i like roll the window down he walks over i get all the quarters in my cup holder dude and it wasn't like i'm not handing the guy ten dollars or quarters but it's like two or three bucks you know in quarters or whatever and I hand it to him and the light's still red he looks at it in his hands and throws it like into the feeder like disgust just hums it like across the street and I was like I had people in the car with me and I look at him and he just like shook his head and light turned green and I drove off and my friend in the back seat was like did you just give him like a nickel and I was like no I gave the guy like two dollars and quarters

he was like dude he was not happy about that like I was like dude if I handed the guy two ones would he have crumpled it up and threw it back in the fucking you broke motherfucker like dude I was driving so sick imagine a guy like a guy pulls up in like a beamer and hands him a hundred bucks he just tears it in half well the thing was is that i wasn't dry i was driving the crown vic like clearly i it's not like i pulled up in the lambo and handed the guy one nickel like i was it was clear like my engine's knocking like i wasn't you know i had the car or whatever but i was it stuck with me so much because i was like a car that he could probably also easily steal and just

have for yeah yeah yeah and just like he just turns his fucking head and throws it into traffic like across the street and i was like man that like what do you i was new to austin too i was like what are people handing out out here like 50s like do i need to step my game up like am i you know how do i fucking adjust to this new city, this new way of life out here? I feel like the, I don't know if it's because you live away from the city, but, like, every major Texas city's, like, people say that the homeless people in New York are bad, but I feel like they're worse in the

South because it's hot. And I don't mean bad as in they're just, or I'll say this, generally a little bit more unhinged. A little bit wilder. In New York, they have strategies at least. Yeah. Here they'll rip plants out of the ground sometimes and try and sell them yeah i've told you about that one neighbor i have who is clearly not homeless but is just always stealing shit yeah selling it door to door i think yes i think you did i don't think you told about it on here but i think you told me about it at the house yeah like the other day i

was mowing my lawn and he came up and he was like and his English isn't great so like it's not terrible but it's not great yeah and at first I thought he was just showing me a pair of shoes he got and I was like nice man thank you

he was like size 11 20 bucks and I was like I wear a size 12 wide sorry and I was like half hoping that he would steal a pair of shoes in my size specifically yeah it's it's funny to have a house and then do like uh like an eighth grade kid like bad kids hustle like to steal bikes and go up to a girl like your neighbor like you have the house or whatever and you're like i got a i got a mongoose here it's got pegs on it 13 bucks like i know that you're clearly a grown man with a home and you're mowing your lawn and stuff but i got this kid's bike i

got a pair of size six heelys yeah also doing that in a neighborhood like mine is funny because, like, $20 means the exact same to both of us. It's a lot of money. Yeah, yeah. It's not like a, oh, my day's fucked up amount of money, but it is like a, damn, that sucks. Like, I need that, you know. Yeah. like uh when i found 40 on the ground uh next to a pile of dog shit in my old apartment um i was like that's the most money i think i found on the ground before and i was like man i know this sucks for the person who's missing this because if i lost 40 i'm not kidding i might

think about killing myself like 40 cash like that's. Come on, we can't be doing that. What if you lost $40 credit card? You just pay it back to me in a month. Well, you just pay it back, you know. What if... What if there was $40? I think it's like a man on the street YouTube guy, you know. What if there was

$13? $7. What if there was $7 in the whole world that you could have? I would actually... Alright, I will start watching whatever the fuck Billy Eichner has going on if they give him a lobotomy. Yep.

Yep. Madonna! Hands to mic. going on if they give him a lobotomy yeah yep you give madonna hands the mic uh excuse me if you wear madonna dress you go to the ball listen man i don't got time for this i i gotta get to i gotta get to work man it's new york this is my show so right this is also also 121st, so I got to go. It's my stop. You ever been to work? Yeah.

I go to work three to four hours a week, roughly something like that. Something crazy happened at work today. happened at work bubba i almost fell off a two-story roof it was cool okay did you just miss your footing or no it was wet um did y'all get the very steep yeah well and i had to do i was i was doing roof clearance on those big live oaks i had two basically i had like 15 feet worth of pole and i slipped and i basically just skidded down all the way and then dug my feet into the gutter in the last second nice i didn't die pretty cool that's. Nice. And I didn't die. Pretty cool.

That's cool. I'm glad you didn't die. Yeah, it's only like the fourth or fifth time it's happened to me, so it's good. Yeah, like I said a million times before, man, I really think that you should find a new line of work, you know. Well, I thought it was cool. I thought I probably looked like a big badass.

Then I got home, and apparently nobody at work told me I had a quarter-sized hole right where my asshole goes. In advance. For the entire day after that. Yeah. It just looked like I had a hole just for getting fucked in the ass. It was like a... Maybe a little bit bigger than a quarter, right? It looked very specifically like it was cut out to be a penis-sized hole.

Like a half dollar. It looked like I cut out a penis-sized hole in a worn-out pair of L.L. Bean size 38 jeans that I have to max my belt out to fucking clutch them around my emaciated body. Your emaciated body. Right. Yeah, I have, like, all of them, we talked about it, all my, I don't want to buy jeans that fit. I don't really have. I just always assume that something's going to go really bad and I'm just going to, like, get fat again, you know?

I hope so. Yeah. We need a fat guy, but I don't think it's in the cards for me yet. Yeah, no, I think both of us right now. I'm too vain right now. Yeah, yeah. I mean, I am a little older, so, you know. Yeah, you're old as fuck.

You're so old. You're like a damn dinosaur, almost like a fossil. What kind of dinosaur would you be? If I was a dinosaur, I would probably be a bird. You started off like vocal fry Down syndrome guy, and now I'm thinking of like a cool L.A. Like cool L.A. guy with Down syndrome who starts like a gossip podcast. He's like, have you seen Pete Davidson and his new wife, Kim Kardashian?

Kim Kardashian is working standing in her brand new dress. She's serving pussy at the local restaurant where she goes. Kay Wani put her whole pussy in his new album, and she is looking stunning on the cover. Have you seen Azaria Banks' Instagram story? She is on another unhinged rant about the record industry. She's going goblin mode. She is straight up spitting facts. You would not believe the tea she spilled regarding Elon Musk,

Elon Musk, Rhymes, Pete Davidson, SNL, Warren Michaels, as well as other celebrities. Who is the top scoop? Oh my God. Oh my gosh. Oh my gosh. Oh my gosh. Oh my gosh. Kim Kardashian? Have you seen Conway's latest rant on

Twitter? How about... I'm imagining like... I forgot what I was going to say. Itchy. Ow. Itchy. Ow. Ow.'m itchy ow itchy ow ow come scratch me jake come scratch me come scratch me i'm itchy i drive all the way to my spots i need to open the door i get there at like one in the morning she's like um jake and i'm like thomas needs to be scratched he told me to come he told me to drive like three and a half hours to come scratch he said he's an itchy boy he needs to be scratched really good i feel like she'd probably be like

i mean all right she'd be so mad at me for for you driving all the way out here not that she would be unhappy to see you but because it is a wednesday yeah Yeah. Oh, man. I need to get back in the gym, dude. Yeah. I need to kill Dana White with a hatchet. Yeah. Yeah. I don't.

I feel like he keeps getting like they have a guy who blows him up with fireplace bellows. He looks more inflated as the years go by like he's not getting fat he just looks like somebody's injecting like silicone into him like a thousand cc's a day or some shit yeah you all right dude no i um i saw um a forecast that really threw me off a forecast yeah you got like 500 tornadoes some really bad weather news okay what i took as my computer was about to blow up okay i came across the screen, and I thought it was like an urgent message from the computer saying, temperature's rising. And I looked at it like, fuck, is this the end of the line?

And then it's just, no, it's just 65 degrees right now. Isn't it weird how it fucking cooled off? Yeah, it's like, so today in Austin, low of 59, high of 99. So there's going to be a 40 degree change over the course of like, I don't know, five and a half hours or whatever. I wonder what the weather is like in the ocean. I bet it's wet. I bet it's wet. I've been to rain so much in the ocean Man, uh, yeah

I bet it's so I bet it's never dry down there, I bet it's always raining Yeah, I bet it's always raining down here I bet Spongeb he checks the weather, he says, what? It's all rain down here.

You need to sleep, dude. You have not been sleeping well. I haven't, yeah. Yeah. Do you think if gnomes were... Just start the episode over, man. Do you think if gnomes were Just start the episode over man Do you think if gnomes Came to life

Do you think they would be accepted In such a modern and cold world And do you think that Uh Do you think that women would fuck the gnome guys Answer the first question no Answer the second question yes Uh women would fuck the gnome guys? Answer to the first question, no. Answer to the second question, yes. Women will fuck just about anything.

You know, so... I don't think gnomes would be accepted. What if they stunk and they didn't have charisma? And they didn't have money. They had gnome money. They would probably call them gnome bucks. If I had to guess. They wouldn probably call them gnome bucks. If I had to guess. They wouldn't call them gnome money?

No, because then they would think you were saying gnome money. If they stunk, had no charisma, and had no money. Gnome bucks. I can say... No money, but gnome bucks. Anecdotal evidence. I know some of these men are very close friends of mine that stink, have no money, but no bucks. Anecdotal evidence. I know some of these men are very close friends of mine that stink, have no money and no charisma,

and they're doing pretty good in their girlfriend department. But they're the size of a dog almost. Some of these guys are sub 5'6", man. That's normal height. Think of the listener base. You can't say 5'6 is i said sub five six so um so if there are any sub was 499 does the gnomes hat count for his height like the big red hat i think so because they never take them off.

Yeah. It's like if you meet a guy who only ever wears work boots, you probably in your head think he's like an inch taller than he is. Yeah, yeah. I convince myself throughout the day that I'm like 6'2", and then I take my work boots off. I'm like, no, no, you're not. Yeah, I go out and I come back home and take my boots off.

I'm like, dude, am I like 5'4"? I'm like, no, you know, it's just the illusion. The illusion. You should learn magic. Yeah, that would help the show be good. I think it would because we could do magic tricks and people wouldn't be able to tell where we mess up because it's audio. Okay, yeah. It's not bad.

So right now I have a jar and it looks like it's empty. Do you think it's empty, Jake? Yeah, it looks empty, man. Voila. It's not empty. What's in it? Water. lie it's not empty what's in it water okay so you made water appear in the jar very good no he was already in there the whole time and you didn't know it was part of my trick oh don't tell the audience okay i won't all right

i'm levitating a big uh big piece of lunch meat. How? It's magic. Fuck. I like yours better because you don't have to tell me. Yeah, I don't have to tell you how I do it. Did you ever believe in the power of magic as a child? I was like, when I was a kid, I would watch Criss Angel and I'd be like, yeah, this guy.

No, not Criss Angel, David Blaine. When I was a kid, I thought David Blaine was like legitimately like a wizard or whatever, you know. And now he just like gets hit by 18 wheelers and like, you know, dangles off of like skyscrapers and shit or whatever. Yeah, he kind of fucked it up for everybody because he made the stakes way too high yeah he's not like a magician anymore he like uh he just he just like lives in an ice cube for like five years and then comes out of it like yeah it's pretty cool did he get some rape accusation uh i thought he, like, KO'd a lady, but I mean, who knows? Or something like, I thought he got me too'd. He's a wizard, though.

You know, you could never really know the secret of a magician's tricks. I feel like you've got to be a bad magician to get caught doing rape. Yeah, you got to. Because it's something that so many people get away with. Yeah, I mean, just like... Really? You didn't even... Like getting caught putting a roofie in a girl's drink and throwing a smoke bomb down,

and you're running away from the smoke bomb. And with one simple trick, I will make this evidence box disappear. Yeah, he like... He just He just starts pulling like duct tape and shit out of a hat Duct tape tasers You know how Steve Martin's entertainment career got started?

No He worked at a magic shop in Disneyland I didn't know that And he taught himself to juggle What a dumbass. Yeah, he's pretty fucking retarded, man. He's not. That guy's fucking stupid.

Yeah, he's not. What a shitty thing to do. That would be fucking die. Yeah, fuck Steve Martin. Fuck Steve Martin. We do a Steve Martin fuck Steve Martin we do a we do a Steve Martin

cancellation but it's cause we think magic is for homos yeah also that's not what he's known for he's known for like

I hate your I hate your college magic career Steve Martin I remember the only thing I love about you is the banjo

you were in The Jerk Which is one of my favorite movies of all time Otherwise Also you got gray hair when you were like 22 Who the fuck does that? A guy who's so stressed out It's happening to me currently

Yeah but he was like fully on gray When he was like 25 That's fair yeah No I think it's cool to go But the thing is people women let's hear it let's hear let's hear it thomas women think they want a guy with gray hair all right but it only looks good if you don't have a bad receding hairline if you go like silver or white early the key is maintaining that hairline.

Yeah, 100%. Because then you just look like distinguished. Yeah. But if you go fucking horseshoe and gray before like 25, God has put a spell on your family. Yeah. And you, I mean, God damn, dude, that's rough. Yeah. Yeah.

I don't think... Whenever I see, like... I wish I could have been a 16-year-old silver fox. That would have been incredible. The pictures that you've, like, shown me from when you were, like, 18, like, what would really have made that cool look that you had, which was belly hanging out of big Hawaiian shirt, was, like, a long, flowing gray wolf mane.

That would have been incredible. Like mid back. Very full silver, like wizard beard. Yeah. But still, still like pot belly hanging over like size 32 short shorts. And then undone button Hawaiian shirt,

40 in one hand, but like majestic, like blacksmith, like curly, curly gray hair. You would have gotten at least two or three. Like Hagrid if he was like addicted to keg stands. Yeah, that would look cool on you, man. If I ever get tired of long hair, I'm going to do the Michael Douglas slick back, I think.

I'm going to look stupid as fuck. You would look like a Miami date rapist. I would look objectively like a bad person. Yeah, you would look like the most untrustworthy man ever. I mean, you know, as is. I don't know, you look pretty trustworthy, I guess. I trust you. You should trust me.

Yeah. Everything all right? No. Everything's really bad right now at home. I'm kind of living in a toxic, abusive situation at the moment. Yeah. You can hang out. Anyway. Well, the thing is all right jake i have a rash on my whole body and i need you to come take me to the hospital okay dog hospital it's cheaper yeah

yeah okay well where's your rash located my whole body okay head to toe basically yeah i uh it's on my penis and balls as well as the rest of my body yeah okay which is cool because i had on jeans and long sleeves and i had on safety glasses, boots, gloves, face mask. And it got on my balls. It did. I need you to do a... Do you need someone to apply lotion to your penis? I need to be lotioned down and lathered up as well.

Okay. I need to be fully taken care... I need to be serviced. Go to the veterinarian. You're like, I know. I need to be fully taken care of I need to be serviced Go to the veterinarian You're like I know I need to be serviced I go to the pharmacist Hey I got this special lotion from here I don't know how to put it on I need you to put it on my body with your mouth

Just kind of get it goopy up in your shit and then uh kind of glided around on me you know yeah i've found that pharmacists are weird about makes them very uncomfortable what's that i did this like a month or so ago i wasn't thinking well i but i had to wait for a prescription at Walgreens yeah and while I was waiting I went and bought some food from Walgreens and a drink

and I ate and drank mhm the whole time I was waiting and just watched them mhm you know just

you know I ate my licorice or whatever yeah they don't it visibly disturbs them when you eat in front of them say hey is you guys want to be a fucking candy restaurant you know yeah ain't a pharmacy that's

not my fault you want to sell my connects here oh am i not allowed to buy my connection if i'm also getting adderall you know i'm not allowed to eat 10 pounds of liquorice directly in front of the pharmacist stand yeah i can't intimidate this 26 year old single mom while she puts a bunch of fucking pills in a container for me i want to make sure she's doing it right i uh back in my my glory days I always used to think like You know I was like Maybe I'll be a pharmacist

So I could have free pills I could just steal them How How good of a track Do they keep Of all the good shit Back there As it turns out

Pretty good I used to know a guy Who would Was a pharmacist And he would sell you A thousand Xanax for like $500. He is probably in federal prison right now. First of all, that is a very, very good deal.

That is not a bad deal. I did not realize how much that stuff was worth at all. That almost sounds like a not believable deal. Now, this is not a guy I'd ever... I never wanted that much of anything. Yeah. That is so many pills. Are we talking about the footballs or the sticks?

Do you know? I couldn't tell you because I was told this offer and I said, absolutely not. I do not want a fucking thousand bills. That sounds like one of two things. Either they're, like, street-pressed, and they're going to kill you. No, this was a guy who worked. He would steal them from the pharmacy.

He worked either at a hospital or at a pharmacy. I was going to say, a thousand Xanax for $500. It sounds like a sting operation. I couldn't tell if it was 500 bucks exactly, but it was like less than $2 a pill for sure. Yeah, that's ridiculous. And it was a volume that was like, you mean this isn't spread out over the course of like 10 years?

I believe it was by the thousand. There was a guy who used to couch surf at our place in Austin who... I took Xanax. I took plenty of it. But it was never like my drug of choice. I would take it. But I didn't seek it out or whatever. And unless it was free normally i

wouldn't uh purchase it like yeah i wouldn't if somebody was giving out fucking footballs or something i'd take them or whatever but anyway uh football's better i think i only took the sticks the footballs are they're small they're like 0.25 or like 0.10 or some shit oh you know footballs are the small first the first ones i took were the footballs then yeah same and then i yeah i got when i got to like later, later high school, early college, I found people who had, like, actual stick prescriptions. See, for a while I took the school bus ones. I never took the Hulks.

I never got a hold of the Hulks. Actually, I say that I had no need to move up to a higher. Yeah, yeah. Like, I didn't build that much of a tolerance, honestly, to where it was like, man, I need to take a whole bunch of these. I need to take five hulks and forget, like, three and a half days of being alive. Right. This guy would come over.

He was the dude I was telling you about that, like, was selling Molly to the house for, like, a weekend and then came back two weeks later was like man i'm sorry that was meth like the guy is just kind of like a scummy dude but he was fun to party with uh he is like uh hey man uh you know you want to stick i'm like yeah yeah you know he's like dude i got like way too many man you can honestly just like can have a couple if you want. Like, I'm trying to push him out here, but, you know, for letting me stay or whatever, I'll give you some. And I was like, oh, okay. I thought he was saying, like, three.

And he takes out one of those, like, little lunch bags, like, that you'd carry, like, goldfish in. It's not the full half-gallon size, but, you know, like a kid's snack. And there's just, like, 20 or 30 in here and he's like here you go and i was like oh man no i don't really like these that much if these were viking and yeah 100 but i'm not really interested in that many sticks he was like he didn't understand that he was like they're free and i was like how many do you have now i can't verify the veracity of this statement but he did have pictures with maxo he was like oh like uh i i like maxo gives me you know and i hang out and we look at whatever and um and he was like there's a guy or whatever did i buy from down here and so i'm just trying

to move a little bit of something or whatever. And this was, like, fucking forever ago. Anyway, he pulls out a fucking, like, I don't know, man. It's like a little trash bag that you put in, like, a bathroom fucking thing. It's just to the top with, like, hulks and, like, the yellow ones and then just the normal white ones. Like, that just easily, like,, 900 of them, maybe a thousand. I don't know. He was just,

I was like, did you come here? Did you, how did you get here? He was like the bus. I was like, uh, I don't like,

we had a lot of drugs in the house at that, but that was like the most that I had seen. That's the most Xanax I had ever seen. Yeah. He was just like, yeah, you know, I get him from a guy.

I sell them, you know, I come to Austin guy i sell him you know i come to austin i try to sell i'm like how many fucking xanax can you sell in three days he was like most of these and i'm like that's that's so ridiculous dude like that isn't that's just not real you know or whatever dude anytime i saw a guy who had like bulk weed it was like how is there this much in one place yeah i i never had enough money to have yeah no i mean in like you're you're like watching tv yeah and it's just like like i worry a lot about like ah what if there's a freeze and i didn't put my faucet covers on i worry enough like without having drugs in my house. Yeah. I'm sober now, and I still worry about getting a DUI.

I don't drink. I don't do drugs anymore. Yeah, yeah. I'm like, what if I somehow got a DUI without sober? I think about that when I got- If I had fucking $10,000 plus worth of drugs in my house, I would never sleep at all yeah i'd be freaking out constantly the guy that i bought coke from for a while um he would like he was normally

chill but there were times i'd go over there and he would have done he did dipped into his own supply and he would just have like a brick uh like on his like his glass table and uh you know he would just be like uh he would like take a razor blade to it cut off a rock put it on the scale 3.6 and hand it to me and he'd be like get the fuck out of here now i'm like swag thanks man uh we're friends but not now i guess because you like you know like i guess we're not cool now that's fine uh and like weed yes pills yes but i think because of the movies whenever i see a full like a brick of coke and it's been like you know a handful of times that i've seen it i'm like man this is dang like people kill like people die over this i know people die over weed and pills i guess but like cocaine just in my mind is like

how many people died for you to get that? Like, I'm sure you did it the right way or whatever, but, like, from wherever the fuck in South America to here, like, how much blood, you know, is attached to that brick or yak or whatever the fuck? And then I would just do a bunch of it, and I really didn't think about it that much, but, you know. Sometimes when we touch, the honesty is too much.

It's an evil world. It's an evil world. I need to teach you something. What? Let me see it. I need to teach you. Let's see your penis. You need to be taught. You need to be taught.

You need to be taught, Jacob. Okay. I need to teach you something. I need to watch a movie soon. But there's fucking... It's like just Marvel movies. And then like the three movies I see on Twitter are the only ones in the theater.

They make like two movies every year now. Yeah. Other than the A24s or whatever. Mm-hmm. Which I just never watch those. I know they're going to be good movies. I just don't watch them. Some of them are good, I guess.

No, I mean, I still haven't watched anything by the Safdie brothers. I have not watched, like, Mulholland Drive or whatever. I haven't watched any of the Criterion movies. You ever seen The House that Jack Built? No. It's a good movie. You should watch it. All right.

I guess. I'm not going to watch it. I'm the same way, dude. Somebody's like, hey, man, you should check out this. I'm like, I got you. Yeah, man, I'll see it. And then I run into the same person like two weeks later, like, hey, man, you should check out this. I'm like, I got you. Yeah, man, I'll see it. And then I run into the same person like two weeks later, and they're like, did you like it?

I'm like, like what? And they're like, the movie. You said you'd watch it. I'm like, oh, no, I didn't mean that or anything. My friend Casey gave me a packet of ramen he wanted me to try. It was a special kind of ramen. Three months ago. And I'm too lazy to make it.

It's like instant ramen. What is it about the flavor? Like for me, I only know beef, chicken, shrimp. He loves it. It's Maruchan. That is still a very common like... No. It's like a special... it's their fancy stuff.

It's like $2. I think it's like $3 a thing. Yeah. Or $2, maybe $2, yeah. But it's, to me at this point, it's funny to just, because he keeps bringing it up. Good friend of mine. Yeah. I want to see how long I can go with it.

Actually, I wonder if I ate it. Oh, you know what's funny? I ate that shit a long time ago. I've been telling him I haven't. I definitely did. Well, I'm going to keep telling him I haven't. Casey, if you're listening, I know you listen to some of these. My bad, man.

It was good. Yeah, that was pretty good. Are you listening? Yeah. This has been a good one, too. This has been a really good one. Yeah. Maybe, you know, the way that it goes is, you know, you get calm before the storm.

And then the storm. And then we'll do, like, a little run. We got, like, two or three you know good episodes and then you know you get one of these and then you know it cycles out again you know something you can't be you can't be good every day you know what it is you can't be the fucking big dick on campus every day shut up you can't be big i'm the boss i'm the big boss yeah you're the boss dude i'm the big boss. Yeah, you're the boss, dude. I got a big old dig. I'm swinging around. I'm hitting people's glasses over.

It's swinging into your chowder. Get your penis out of my chowder. I said sports. Get your wiener out of my chowder. Waiter, this man's penis is in my chowder. I said clam chowder, not dick and balls chowder. I said cream of mushroom, not cream of penis. Not cream of different mushroom.

Cream of mushroom head. Very funny. Thank you very much. But cream of rush room. You rush into a room and you eat it. Yeah, cream of cock and penis. Cream of crushed poon like I did in college. Yeah.

Yep. Woo! Yeah! Cream of weed. Cream of... Well, like cream of weed. I'm smoking. I'm smoking.

Smoking on that weed. Yeah, absolutely. Absolutely. absolutely cream of corn corned cream that's a jake good fucking my ass listen pal i'm looking for a dame i'm not trying to get fucked in my ass so you know it's like a 50s detective or whatever every every single like bar that he goes to to investigate you know they're all smoking cigarettes he's got his fucking gay ass hat on i'm looking for a couple clues regarding this case. And no, pal, I'm not trying to get fucked. I know you're looking for it. My ass.

I know what you're looking for, but I got a way you can find it. Danny. You can find it up my ass. I know. Nope. Looking for clues. Nope, nope.

No, sir. Just clues. Nope. Just clues. It seemed that every time I came around looking for clues, they all started fucking my ass instead. So I knew they was hiding something. I decided that he's going to be Steven Seagal because I couldn't figure out what voice I was going to do. I was trying to do like the mid-Atlantic, like Maltese Falcon, but it's like the easiest one to do.

I was going looking around for clues and I only found a cock in my ass. Richard! Richard. Get out of my ass. Richard, get out of my ass, sir. Richard, son, get out of my ass. Shut this bar down and get out of my ass. Richard, get out of my ass, sir. Richard, son, get out of my ass. Shut this bar down and get out of my ass. Order in the court.

Order in the court. Get out of my ass. Order in the court and get out of my asshole. Roger that and get out of my ass. Roger that ten-four, good buddy, and pull all four inches out of my asshole. And I told her, I said, look, I got a lot of hot clues out here, but I'm not looking to get fucked in my ass. I'm not looking to get

sucked by a man and fucked down like a dog. That's one thing I... This town does dirty things to you. Rots your soul. Rots the... Behind your eyes, all you see is blood and penis in your asshole. You know, I talked to damn near every single man at that factory

and they all had one thing in common and I found it a little fishy. Every single one lined me up and fucked my ass. What was with my ass? I was looking for the girl.

Was it a clue? They had 14-year-old boys working there. I didn't want to get fucked in my ass by them, especially. But I had no choice. I had no choice. They fucked it.

They fucked my ass. They even brought me up on the roof. I thought they were going to throw me off. I took the L-train. They slid my asshole down on the chimney. Took the L-train. I started smoking smoke. Came out of my ears like in a cartoon I've worked this beat a long time kid

You think you're just gonna come in here And solve crimes willy nilly You think you're not gonna get Fucked in your ass Every day You want my clues You're gonna have to go through my ass in your ass every day. You want my clues? You're gonna have to go through my ass.

I gotta do what has to be done to your ass. You come around here, you start talking to my men, you start stirring up trouble.

Next thing you know, everybody stops working. I look at the floor, look down from my deck in an office, and they're all down there fucking your ass. So what's it to you, detective? It's detective work. You'd know nothing about it.

You're on the wrong side of the law. Whose ass is next? Mine? Because it ain't going to be mine. I have an unfuckable ass. An unstoppable dick meets an immovable asshole. Because... The camera pans to my face now.

Okay. Because... If your ass is grass, then my ass is glass. So it is you. And my glass is swass.

So it is you, glass-ass Gary. It's me,, Glassass Gary. It's me, Glassass Gary. Every one of those men fucked me every which way from Sunday. Most know me as Glassass Gerald, but I now realize I probably should have kept the Glassass to one of my main names and not both. Should not have used it for my disguise name. Right. It becomes increasingly apparent as you converse with me that I do have a glass ass, as they call me.

My father was a boxer. And it was his Achilles heel he had a chin like a mountain but an ass like a cricket cricket well I guess you're

the jig is up time to go to jail you fucking piece of shit it's time for Time to go to jail, you fucking piece of shit. It's time for me to go to jail. And I'll do it without a fight. I'm just gonna go to jail. You got me.

Because what are they gonna do? Fuck my ass? Cut to black. Roll credits. Fucking Sweet Child of Mine plays. the name of the movie is called uh pride and prejudice yep that'll do that'll fucking do how about instead of pride and prejudice all right it was called something else wouldn't that be crazy

what if instead of Pride and Prejudice it just had a completely different name what if it was called a bunch of dumb whores arguing what if instead of

Little Women it was fuck I'm not watching that shit how about instead of Jane Eyre it's stay in there in the attic stay up there.

Dumbass wife. Is that the same movie? I don't remember. I have no idea. The one where he's got his fucking sick ass drage wife in the attic. The thing is, alright, my family watched that movie a lot growing up. I think it was Jane Eyre.

They never let me watch the part where his wife is insane and dies or whatever. Yeah. So it just seemed to me like he was an asshole the whole time. I never saw the end of the movie. This is everything leading up to it. Of Mice and Men, what about... I never saw the end. I just thought it was a nice movie.

Oh, yeah. My mom... It'd be funny if somebody thought that movie ended whenever he kills a girl. Yay! Nice! I have no idea what that is even. I don't even know what's going on. Probably because the only movies I watch are...

I don't know gay pornos porn or something something like that yeah whatever man it might have been more like of men and other men

because it's just guys in there yeah to kill a mockingbird to fuck a guy that's not what that movie's about at all yeah it is it's about racial profiling and the deep injustice that's ing what that movie is about at all. Yeah, it is. It's about racial profiling

and the deep injustices ingrained into our society. To go to jail for being white, for being a white man in America, to be persecuted for being a Christian. My family thought I was gay for a couple weeks growing up because I said that Gregory Peck looked dashing because I didn't know what that word meant. My parents thought I was gay for a bit because I used to try to fuck other kids on the playground. Yeah, you did do that for a while. Yeah, I was like 23.

Yeah, you were an early bloomer. I was like 23 or 24. My mom was like, you know, he just goes out there and tries to wrangle them up. Yeah, you were throwing out, you were dishing out UTIs like candy on Christmas. Anybody could get it. Anybody who wants to. I'm going to hit this third vape It's gonna be bad

Hit all three at once Let's see you do it They're all different sizes That's okay Widen your mouth hole Like you usually do The three vape challenge That wasn't even that much vape

That didn't hurt Hey Otis Otis. Otis? Hey, buddy. How you doing? I, uh... God, that felt weird.

I need to take all my change to the bank. I got $50 worth of change. $15? $50. I've been saving it up for like two years. I'm going to use that money and I'm going to go to Hawaii. Okay. See how far it gets me.

Yeah, probably get you to Odessa, I would imagine. Dallas. Yeah. Yeah. I like I like those Inspirational stories Growing up Of people just putting

All their change in a jar And using it to like Go to China For like a year Yeah That's not how money Works anymore No

I think like I think like The first time in my life Like the last year I have a savings account It's not crazy. But I'm like... You have 50 cents in mine.

It's like... Yeah, I got like 48 bucks in there. But it's just not enough to even float me for a month, I think. Maybe a month. Two months at the most. You can float? You can float? You can float? Have you ever seen David Blaine?

Speaking of floats, what are you doing for the Macy's parade this year? I don't know. I think I'm going to be Snoopy. You could be Snoopy. You could be Snoopy. I'll be the little yellow bird or whatever. Hey, buddy.

Come in. You're okay. Yeah. Come on in. You're all right. You're okay. Come here, Otis. Otis, little boy.

Hey. Yeah, you're all right. You want to come podcast? Daddy's making some money for the IRS. Hey, listen. This was fucking lots of fun. If you want to come to a live show in a month, you should go to creakingcave.com slash shows,

hit the calendar, and then go down to the 24th of June. I got links. By the way, we have an early show and a late show at this point. I really drive a hard bargain, and it's because of me directly that we now have two shows again. Yeah, Thomas really talks and talks a hard talk and walks an even harder dick. I walk harder than I talk, and I fuck even harder than I walk.

That's 100% true. Yeah. So if you want to see, you know, like Glass-Ass Gary or, you know, the Down Syndrome guy, but he has the Red Scare podcast or whatever. If you want to see stuff like that, you know, tickets are on the website. I don't even really, you know. Also, we're going to harm an animal live on stage. Yeah, I figured the way that we really, you know, start making money on this show,

instead of, like, I guess being funny or whatever, we're just going gonna start killing animals crazy train wouldn't have taken off like it did if ozzy osbourne hadn't bitten the head off that bat yeah yeah they were a really small band before he did that nobody really cared about them there were only six people at that show yeah yeah i wish they'd stayed small forever but he had just had to continue escalating his antics. Yeah, he's got pyrotechnics and there's 12 people at the show. And he's like pulling his dick out and jacking off on all the people. Yeah, he's like fucking a dog or whatever.

Gigi Allen had a completely empty venue. Well, the thing about Gigi Allen is that a lot of his shows were like a lot of his most like fucked up shows. There were like 30 people there or whatever. You know, it's just like, I mean, most like fucked up shows there were like 30 people there or whatever you know it's just like uh i mean he definitely had big shows or whatever but um yeah he was a really special guy he's a good guy um hey uh come to the shows bye bye