Perfect Day with Jessica Knappett - EP 37: Felicity Ward

Episode Date: March 27, 2025

Brilliant, witty, honest and here to explain the term “sea-bogan”, Felicity Ward joins Jess this week to share her perfect day! A comedian, actor and writer, Felicity is a story-teller through and through and today is no exception. On the journey to her perfect day, we hear tales of her gorgeous hometown, her expert barista skills and her love for Custard (the rock band). Like and subscribe for brand-new episodes every Thursday. Follow us on Instagram @perfectdaycast. And, why not get in touch? Email us at [e-mail] A Keep It Light Media Production Sales and general enquiries: [e-mail] Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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cancer. Determined to feel everything she can before she can't feel anything, she decides to leave her unhappy marriage to explore her sexuality, with some encouragement from her best friend, Nikki. FX is Dying for Sex, streaming April 4th, only on Disney+. Sign up now at DisneyPlus.com. This episode is brought to you by Missouri. Missouri does fine jewelry differently. They're all about buying for yourself, where you decide the occasion. Everything is handcrafted with quality, craftsmanship, and responsible sourcing

in mind. So these are pieces you can feel good about in more ways than one. Plus there are so many designs you can mix and match to create a stack for every look. Shop online at majore.com or in- store today. Alright then. Hey what cunt? Hey what? Hello Perfect Dayers, I'm Jessica Knappett and you are still patiently waiting for the vibe shift.

I've stopped doing the long intros. I mean, I only did a few of them anyway. I don't really know what you want. I think you just want to crack on with the interview, don't you? Do you? Don't you? Do you? I don't know. I, I, that's what I'm doing. Now, if you object, let me know. Everydayapurfectdayatgmail.com. You can write in the reviews. Thanks for your reviews, by the way. I keep reading them, especially the ones that keep telling me to write more episodes of Drifters. them, especially the ones that keep telling me to write more episodes of Drifters. I can't, it's not up to me. But we're trying, maybe, are we? I don't know, are we? Aren't we? Are we? I'm a bit croaky lads, I've got a bit of a cold boo hoo, get over it. I'm trying to. Let's crack on, shall we? Look, if you're a perfect day veteran, you'll have heard all

about seaside walks, sea swims, sea shanties, but today guys, y'all, we give you, for the first time, a sea bogan. Her word's not mine. Fresh off the brand new Australian instalment of the office, which is brilliant. It's Felicity Ward, baring all. She regales us with tales of her beautiful home town on the central coast of Australia, not to be confused with the centre of Australia, which is notoriously not coastal. She gives us a taster of her northern accent. We hear about her affinity for bowling and generally just some fantastically honest lovely funny stories from her life. It's just classic perfect day. It's classic. Loved

having Felicity on. Loved Felicity. Shall just crack on? Because there's a lot of it. It's story time. Strap in for Felicity Ward's perfect day. Do you want me to do it in my South Yorkshire accent? ["Felicity Ward's Perfect Day"] All right then. Felicity, thank you for being here. Do you want to tell the story that you were about to tell? You were about to say you did a corporate last night. Yeah, I did a corporate last night and I went to go to the toilet and I pulled the door

and there was someone in the cubicle and so I just stood there waiting for about five minutes and then I was like, this seems unusual, like to be in a hotel and then just to be one for this little function room. So I went after the clerk person and said, hi, is it just one cubicle? And they said no. And I was like, oh, the door must be very heavy. You just had to push. Oh, mate. It's constant, Jess.

It's constant. How long were you waiting outside the door? Five minutes. There was five empty cubicles inside. Five minutes of needing the toilet as well. Well I go preparatory. Yeah, you preempt that. Just in case. I do a pre-show every single time I do a show. And to call it corporate a show is a stretch, but it was. Have you ever been on stage and needed a wee? Oh, so I mean, I've famously had an anxiety disorder where that was my great fear that I was going to wet myself on stage. I did an entire show about it.

Oh, of course, that was your show. That was your show. What if there's no toilet? What if there is no toilet? That's right. But the anxiety disorder is gone. But I do a pre-show wee just out of ritual now. Sorry if you've already talked about this, but how did you get rid of your anxiety disorder? I had a baby. I mean, let me be clear, my depression is skyrocketing, but the anxiety is gone. Oh, right, the switch. You swapped out anxiety for depression. Yeah, I believe they call that sitting in a different seat on the Titanic. But maybe you're on the lifeboat. Maybe. Look, it was a very strange thing. I used to be very, very skinny like I was like a size 6.

Sometimes I would err on the side of a size 4. I was tiny my whole life, right? Then I had a baby and I put on like 17 kilos which is like three stone and it entirely changed my metabolism. It changed my digestion and before I had a kid I was always a little bit hungry, always, but I would get full really quickly. So it was just this like, I was just constantly like with a little bit of anxiety about food. I also grew up poor. So there's I'm sure there's some, you know, delicious, untapped trauma there that I was there was just murmuring away underneath. But your after your brain, the most amount of nerves in your body are in your intestines.

And so there's this link between gut health and not that I pay any attention to that. But I had IBS, I had anxiety, and I was very skinny. So these three things would sort of ironically feed each other. And then when I put on heaps of weight, my whole metabolism slowed down. Whenever I was hungry, I'd go, Oh cool. I'll just eat when I get to food rather than going, Oh no, I've got like 25 minutes and I like, I used to shake a lot and all of this stuff. Yeah.

So the, you know, this is my pseudo science, you know, understanding of what happened to my body. So it changed it for the better. Yeah. And I really like apart from capitalism, brainwashing and, and, and that was, I thought that I had skipped body issues and it turns out I was just socially acceptable. Just, ah, wow. Isn't that fascinating? And I was like 39 when I had a kid.

So you think you know some stuff by the time you're 39. Uh, and then I didn't, I was like, even when I was pregnant, I like saw my thighs getting bigger. I'm like, Oh no, oh, I thought I didn't get this. But I did. Wow. Well, so cool to be on the other side of it. An absolutely smashing life. That's what everyone thinks that everyone thinks, an absolutely smashing life. That's what everyone thinks that. Everyone thinks everyone else is smashing life. They're absolutely not.

To be fair, right this minute I am, but not for the reasons that you think. I have just, this sounds like a brag, but I promise you there's a point. Again, mental health related. I've just done Dancing with the Stars in Australia. Yes. I lost a bunch of weight. so I feel like a traitor, because I just got used to having a size 14 body, and now I'm like a 10.

But I thought that it would be like, I would start dancing every day, and then I would just feel good, because I'm exercising, because I don't exercise, I never have. And it wasn't, it was really hard, and I cried nearly every day. And it was, like, I loved it, but it was really hard and I cried nearly every day and it was like I loved it but it was so difficult and actually I have this like I have a mentality I

have like a strength of mentality now that I haven't had for I would say before I had a kid because I couldn't leave I kept having to turn up every day and then I kept having to do a good job because it's on national television and you don't want to look like a fucking dickhead. And prior to that, I've had a lot of really hard years, like ever since my bubba and God bless him, I love him more than anything, but I had postnatal depression, it was COVID, I got divorced, like it's been a rough five years. A lot going on. Yeah. I also had to cancel therapy a year ago because I couldn't afford it.

Is that coming out now? That feels like I'm taking it out on you. Well, that is what this is for today. Are you back in therapy or should we just, should we do, should we do therapy perfect day for now? I say do a remix. Let's do both. But the point is that I got, I got through Dancing with the Stars and I kept having to do a good

job and it was like, oh, you can do things. You don't have to just endure things. You can actually thrive while you do it. And I have not had that mentality for a very long time and it's very exciting. It's not funny or interesting, but I feel very good. And I've been so sad and telling people how sad I am for so long, I feel like I have an obligation to tell people I'm happy. Yes.

This is so interesting because you don't, I mean, when you watch shows like that, obviously it's the equivalent of strictly, isn't it? Yes. You just see people sort of dancing and having a good time. And I mean, you do hear about how people injure themselves and stuff. You don't really think about day after day, you suddenly putting your body through. It's crucial. It's essentially like a military training.

It's boot camp. And your dancer doesn't care. They're absolutely ruthless. They're all the same. My dancer and I are best friends we message every day. He's just like, I miss him so much. Cause also depending on your dancer, we were rehearsing 35 hours a week. We were rehearsing Monday to Friday, seven hours a day. And your bodies are intertwined. I mean, can you see how I'm not, I'm not like asking you to, um, you can see how people end up falling in love with their dancing partners. Especially if they're not used to it.

Like if you've ever done a play before, you know what it is to be in an intense period, like in an intense rehearsal period with people and it's lots of feelings and it's lots of emotions. Oh yeah. You can see how that happens. I've said it before and I'll say it again. That's why all actors are slags. That's true.

I mean, present company included. Oh mate, you must be having a ball on The Office. Well, it's done. Yeah, but you must be doing more. There must be another series. Oh, you don't know yet. I don't know. It's so good.

I've started watching it. Oh, thank you. On Amazon in the UK, you can watch it here. Worldwide. And it is outstanding. It's everything you love about The Office, but it's Felicity Ward in that role. And it's a new, like it's a completely new story. Yeah.

It's like, it's refreshing, but it's familiar and it's just, it's got the sense of humor that we know and love, but it's a new sitcom entirely. It's like its own beautiful thing. That's so nice. Thank you so much. I've been like, I think you're so funny in it. Oh, thanks mate.

It was just like a dream job. Like I got the script and went, I literally don't have to do any research. Like there's no character preparation for this. Cause it is just, It's just, it's just me without a sense of shame. That's literally all it is. Oh, what a dream gig. It's a dream gig. It was one of those things, you know, occasionally you do an audition

and you go, if I don't get the job, they're looking for something else. Like, you know, when you know you've nailed an audition, you're like, yeah, if I don't get it, that's absolutely fine. I mean, it was a very, very long process too, like, you know, a year or something. Oh my God, I bet. Yeah. Were the people who were involved in any of the original offices involved in this remake are just completely new? Completely new.

Yeah. I mean, they got Ricky's approval and they spoke Ricky like we've ever spoken before. Your mate and mine. Oh, actually, do you know what? I did a gig about a year ago and it was at the comedy store and Stephen Merchant was backstage and I'd been announced and we'd filmed but it hadn't come out and neither of us said anything.

Oh no! I think I was worried that if I said, It's me. I'm gonna do the next iteration, I was afraid he'd go, so? He probably wouldn't. But you know, you know, you're like, you're trying new material, I'm trying do the next iteration." I was afraid he'd go, so? He probably wouldn't, but you know, you know, you're like, you're trying new material, I'm trying new material.

Let's just concentrate on art. Let's just be comedians. Okay. Yeah. Oh, yeah, I get it. And Jenna Fischer, I think I messaged her and I went, if you have any advice, because the show was coming out.

And like, you know, thinking she'd never reply. And she goes, oh my God, I'm never on Instagram. I never read my messages. I just saw this, out and like you know thinking she'd never replied and she goes oh my god I'm never on Instagram. I never read my messages. I just saw this just want to let you know we're all rooting for you there's like um teen universes in which you could the office can exist and we just can't wait to see a woman do it and it was just oh it's so true and it is just its its own thing and it's so wonderful and I'm so happy to see you smashing it. I know we don't know each other that well. We met a long time ago.

I still remember it and I don't remember anything. Yeah, do you remember? We were in that pub. Like Tommy Field? Yeah. I remember Sarah Pascoe introducing us and she said, this is Jess Knappett and she has an amazing show. Was it Drifters? Yeah, it would have been. So she was at the a real affinity for you. And whenever I see you stuff online, I'm like, oh, there's my friend. Yeah. And I'm just so like, I'm so happy to see you doing so

well. And like, when you, you know, you're all like glammed up on the red carpet and do, and it's just so awesome to see it. And yeah, and obviously we've got mutual friends and stuff. Jamali Maddix, I was working with him and he said, Oh, you remind me of Felicity Ward. Oh, really? That's so funny. I love Jamali. We love Jamali. I've known Jamali for a long time and I think that we had the same promoter for a while.

He's just, he's just, uh, it's just like being around his brain. You know, you're like, what are you going to say next? How are you going to interpret that? I'm so excited about what he said. And he says some horrific shit on stage. You're like, I still want to hear it. Unexpected. Yeah.

He's a surprising man. Yes. And a gentle and loving kind man. Indeed. That makes me sound like we're frequently making love. Yeah. And he's dead now. And he's dead.

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A little bigger. The Ford It's a Big Deal event. Nice. Now the offer? Also, would you say that we look similar? When I had brown hair, I would say that we look similar? Like when I had brown hair, I would say that we look similar. And if I had a similar pair of glasses, I would say that we had. I definitely think we could play sisters. Oh my God, there's still time. If the office needs to bring in your British cousin.

Jess, do you know that I had, I did a show last year. Do you know Time Bandits? Yes, I do. So I did that and I had to do a northern accent in it. Oh my god, because I haven't seen it yet. You're not in the episode that's set in Shipley, are you? There's an episode that's set in like a northern town. Bingley?

Bingley, that's where I live. Yeah, so one of the writers, Ian Morris, I know him, he set it in that town because that's where I'm from. Are you kidding me? Side texting me, like making me give him details about what it's like to live in Bingley. Yeah, I am the mum. Do you know what?

It is quite annoying because no offence, but that probably could have been me, couldn't it? Jess, do you know what happened? Okay, this is the insane bit, okay? So I did In Between Us 2. How can we get to play a woman from Bingley? Oh, it gets worse, Jess, it gets worse. Like this is how offensive it is.

Basically, they had cast the dad and the two kids and they were flying them all over from the UK. And they were like, this is getting expensive. Let's see if we can cast someone from Australia or New Zealand. And so I auditioned through my Australian agent. And it was like the first round was you just auditioned for one of the time band. It's like I think everyone did. And you could do like your accent. And then at the end, they're like, do any

accent. So I did an Irish accent. I didn't do a Northern accent. I didn't have a Northern accent. So then they said, now we want you to audition for the mom in a Northern accent. And I was on tour in Australia. I'm like, I'm really fucking northern accent. Like I didn't say that I had a northern accent. So I just watched there's a comedian called Ian Smith. I was like, I'll pick. Yeah, just for the listeners at home. So I just watched like an hour and a half of Ian and I was like, I suppose I'm going

to do a Yorkshire action. And so I did it. And I mean, it went from Yorkshire to Liverpool to Manchester. It took a day trip, right? And then I get feedback which is, hey we really like Felicity for the part, is there any way she can have another crack at the accent? Like who gets a second chance? So then I called Katie Mulgrew who's from Manchester, I'm like I can do a Manchester

accent. She recorded the lines, I repeated them and I listened to her voice note over and over again. Then I get the part and they go, oh, she's from, this character is actually from South Yorkshire. I'm like, pick a spot, please. But then I got a dialect coach and then I was okay. Fucking hell, I have to watch this show.

This is wild. The wildest bit is they cast an Australian who lives in London to fly to Wellington to play someone from Doncaster. Well that's how much they wanted you. Oh mate, oh my god, I've got so many more questions to ask you but we do have to talk about your perfect day. Do we?

We have to. Do we? It'll all come out in the day. We'll talk about other stuff. We'll pick up what we've put down. Sure. Do you want me to do it in my South Yorkshire accent? Please, if you would. That is incredible. about other stuff, we'll pick up what we've put down. Do you want me to do it in my South York accent?

Please, if you would. That's you, that is incredible. I mean, I did it for quite some time, so. That's really good. I fucking love when Northern people say that. It's like my granny's in the room. I mean, that hurts, but thank you. That's so good.

All right, Felicity, let's get on with your perfect day. Okay. Perfect morning! Felicity Ward, what's your perfect morning? My perfect morning starts with 10 hours of unbroken sleep. Of course. Of course. I think any parent would say that.

And actually, hopefully any person would say that. Yeah. Yeah, I agree. I don't think that that's exclusive to parents. Not everyone wants 10. Some people want, at what time are you waking up? I reckon I'm waking up at eight. Yeah.

Okay. Where are we? What are we doing? I'm at an Airbnb on the street that I grew up from down from the beach that I grew up. Oh, on the central coast. I'm on the central coast. For those of you that don't know, the central coast is 90 minutes north of Sydney. It's a tiny, I'm from a tiny little town called Kilcare.

That and the surrounding four suburbs has a population of 1500 people. I am what they refer to as a sea bogan, a bogan by the sea. Yeah. Bogan is our equivalent of a chav. They're slightly different. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

But like a sea bogan, I heard that once I'm like taking that forever. Ooh, I've lost an earring. Excuse me. I mean, I was wearing earrings because I woke up and I had my makeup on from last night. I was like, you need to spice this up. I don't take it off. I don't care. I'm so bad at self care. Wow. Are you? You don't strike me as someone who, you seem like someone who has good. Yes, I'm a grub. I'm an absolute grub.

You're a seabogan. I am rough. I usually have showers every day, but I'm a cleanser and moisturiser kind of gal. I don't know what toner does. No, I don't think you need it actually. I think that one might be made up. Yeah, maybe. That is unusual for a woman and an actress, isn't it? To take no care of their face.

I don't give a shit about my face. Well, the thing is, I think I sort of become aggressively rebellious about it. Yeah. Because most women my age are terrified of it, understandably so. Most women my age have Botox, they've had fillers or they've had something and I've had none of that. And I sort of, I feel like I absolutely understand why every single person has got it. And I kind of sort of like a little punk fuck you

for my teenage self, try not to do that. Cool. Also my punch lines aren't strong enough. I need every facial expression I can get. Right, so we're in Killkar. We're woken up. We're woken up. It's going to be a long pod, baby. So we've woken up. We're in Kilkar with 1500 people. Yeah. I don't know if my friends are staying in the same Airbnb as me. They probably are. But we walk down to the beach and we get a coffee at the local kiosk.

There's a kiosk there as part of the surf club. Everywhere in Australia, mostly makes excellent coffee. Anywhere that's a tourist town makes excellent coffee. Ideally, it would be Campos coffee. Campos is a specific kind of coffee. I used to be a barista and when this is this is how serious Australians take coffee, right? So Campos is an Australian coffee brand. They roast their own beans. They're very, very serious about it. I worked at a cafe. If you wanted to sell Campos, they would have a representative

come to your cafe with a bag of their beans and you had to grind their beans and you had to make them a coffee and they would decide whether you make coffee good enough to sell their beans and you had to grind their beans and you had to make them a coffee and they would decide whether you make coffee good enough to sell their beans. Whoa. And we did. Thanks to me. Thank you so much. Oh my God.

That is a real power move, isn't it? It's a real power move. It is a dick swing. Absolutely. We'll decide. We'll decide actually. Thank you very much. Whether you have the privilege of serving our coffee.

Whether you're worthy of selling our product, which we will make money from. Absolutely. We do not want to be associated with poor coffee. So you're going for a fantastic coffee down by the beach in your hometown. Yep. We also get a Blatt, a baconless avocado tomato roll. And then they have this, there's a phenomenon at the moment in Australia of cabanas, which are like side less tents. And we didn't have them growing up and my God, I would have spent a lot more time, it would have been a lot safer than umbrellas.

My sister had one and I've just spent like 10 weeks out there and I use the cabana a lot. I love it. So we've got two cabanas. We're sat on the beach. Where I'm from is paradise at the height of summer. It's a mile long beach and I mean it's a mile long beach year round, but in summer there's only at its peak, I reckon there's probably 200 people on the beach max. Oh my God. This sounds like heaven. What kind of sand is it? White sand? It's yellow sand. It's not like super, super Shelly, but there are shells in it.

Like a tiny bit shingly. Is it sandcastle type sand? It's absolutely sandcastle. Yeah. Sandcastle sand. It's not like Polynesian sand, like electric blue water flat and then white sand. So where I grew up, the end, like our end, because there's two ends of the beach, one end is a national park and that's because of the headland, the water is really flat. And then the other end is a surf beach. So it has waves. But next to where you surf, there is a rock pool. So I grew up, like it's affectionately called the bogey

hole. I actually don't know why. And it's, it's really shallow at the beginning and then you walk out and it's quite deep at the back and there's rocks you can jump off into the water and it's just paradise, Jess. Oh my God. I don't know. The thing is, cause I've recently moved back to a town near my hometown. Have you? Yeah. And I became, I just became sort of overwhelmingly nostalgic for home, for Yorkshire. Yeah.

How do you, because if that was where I grew up, I would really struggle to not move back there, I think. But now that you've just painted that picture, like, why would you not just want to go to that beach every single day? Oh, I mean, if I didn't have a child the second my ex and I broke up, I would have been back there immediately. Right, right. I'm at the point now, I've been over here for so long, I was back there, I actually as part of the show, as part of Strictly, I took my dancer there, because we were would go and do dance rehearsals on the Central Coast and Then as one of the I said, I'd really like to take you to my beach and because they film stuff So I went there and it was the first time that I couldn't actually believe that I grew up there Like all the other times I go back there. I'm like, yes, this is my beach You know

This is I feel very very protective of it and I feel very connected to the land and the water. And I still do, but I go back there and now it seems like it's impossible that I grew up there because it's too perfect. Wow. Apart from the racism and the cultural wastelands, apart from that and the endemic alcoholism, it is a paradise. Because I was going to say it doesn't sound very bogan-y. Well, now, so in the 80s, poor people lived there and rich people had a house there. So most of my friends have a friend who has a house there.

Right, right, right. Yeah, yeah. There are obviously British coastal towns that are similar. Yeah. We had a drinking tree. That's to give you an idea. There was a tree across from the local bottle shop. So up until maybe like the mid eighties, I think it was on a Friday night, cause you could park about three cars in the, there was like a little concrete area at the front of the bottle shop. People would have a sausage sizzle. They have a barbecue there every Friday night and everyone would stand around drinking, drinking laws changed that you couldn't drink on the premises.

So they went across the road to the yum yum tree and that became the drinking tree. Oh, wonderful. Okay, yeah. Now you're really painting a picture now. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. My dad's nickname is Coils. You know what I'm saying? He had a friend called Grunter. It's giving the castle. Yeah. I mean, a documentary. No, no, no. The Castle was too wholesome for my family. That is not. An amazing film, by the way. On a side note, I think Australian comedy is like there's loads of, there are obviously loads of gems and there's a huge history of brilliant Australian comedy. But I also think that the Aussies are smashing comedy at the moment, aren't

they? Female-led comedy is going off. It's amazing. What are you guys doing that we're not, do you think? Is it just spending money on it? No, no, no, no, no. You're making loads of specifically Australian comedy. I don't know. I think it's just how things are received.

Like Kitty Flanagan was over here for a really long time. She was in the UK for a long time. I know. I love Kitty Flanagan. She's perfect. She's so great. She a long time. I love Kitty Flamingos. She's perfect. She's so great. She's so funny. She's such a good comic. And I think that lots of us have this where we come over here. Julia Morris had the same thing. I don't know if you know Julia, she

hosts I'm a celebrity in Australia. She is a comic, also a Central Coast girl. And we come over here and we like scrimp through for a decade. And like I had this fantasy that I would move to the UK and within like a year or two, I'd be where I was career wise in Australia. It has never happened. It is, it's just never happened over here. I have never like, it's, there was, there was one time in 2018 for about four or five months that I was like, I've got momentum.

That's it. That's all that's the only time that I've experienced like a relief of being in the UK. So Kitty went back and then she just sort of exploded. The same thing happened to Celia Pacuola. She came over here for five or six years. She went back, she exploded. Julia did the same thing. So countdown Felicity one. Yeah. I think that people just yeah are ready to receive things. So Colin from account sort of became this like a huge phenomenon. Harry and I did a drama together in 2020 when COVID hit we were filming. So I know Harriet, I know Patrick, her husband that came out. They filmed that during COVID. Fisk, which is Kitty's show. Yeah.

Uh, and then also Deadlock came out and then the Office came out. Like it's sort of. Yeah. It just feels like it's going off over there. Also, one of my favorite sitcoms on television is actually Bluey. Correct. It's the funniest. It's one of the funniest shows on television.

So do you know that it was the highest stream show in America last year? Wow. Not children's show in America last year? Wow. Not children's show. Show. Wow. Wow. It had the most views of any show in the US last year. For those of you listening, I'm assuming you have lots of parents that do listen, but

it's an Australian animated show. Kids show, but it's worth a watch, isn't it? I would absolutely watch it without kids. Absolutely. For the wrap party of the office, we were doing photos just down the road. Like we were doing all the publicity shots at the end because I don't live there, so they wanted to get all the publicity shots right. Oh, like done while I was in Australia. We go to the rap party.

So we're there very early. I go up to the bar and then called Dave McCormick is there who voices Bandit. Oh yeah, I know. Yeah. I have no idea what he's doing there. On top of that, and more importantly, he was the lead singer of a 90s indie band called Custard, of which I was an enormous fan, like a huge fan. I was a massive, like I was really into music when I was a kid.

I spent all of my holidays going to see live bands in Sydney. So I get to the bar. Did you recognise him as Custards? Of course I did. I've seen him like six times, maybe seven. And so I get to the bar, he's there, I'm there, no one else is there. I'm like, what the fuck is happening? Why are you here? This is what's happening in my head. And he goes, oh, hey, I'm Dave. And I don't introduce myself. I don't say I'm Felicity. I'm the lead in the office of the rap party that we're just having. I say, I know who you are.

I was actually an enormous custard fan and I walk off. That's just, just being a cool bitch. Jess, that's me. Were you, did you do it in a cool way? No, no, no, no, no. Like voice breaking, sweating, being weird. And then I was very fortunate in that the producer introduced me again later, I apologize. He wrote the soundtrack to The Office.

Dave McCormack did. Bandit. Bandit wrote the opening music, the opening titles. And there were like only five titles. No, but like the fact that I don't even know how he got the voice of Bandit. He's perfect for Bandit, but like he's not a known actor. He's from Brisbane and it's like a Brisbane show. So maybe they wanted to get an icon of Brisbane, but it's like, yeah, his music sounds like

his voice. Like it's really quirky and funny and cool. And if anyone doesn't know the band Custard, get their debut album. Great recommendation. I'm going to go for it. I'm going to dive into Custard. So we're at the beach. That is the problem.

It's the problem. I don't. The format is inhibiting. Anyway. Oh no. Let's go. Let's go. Okay. So this is what we do. We have our blaps.

We have our coffees. We're under the cabana. I'm there. We have a swim in the ocean. Then I take my friends for a little walk around the rocks behind the rock pool because there's like a big rock shelf and there's little pools and there's little like crabs, there's little sea creatures. Yeah, lots of barefoot. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, you make fun of me. That's literally what I intend to do. It's my favourite. I can do that for hours. I can walk around the

rocks and look at little shallow pools and see which animals are in there. No, I'm with you. I genuinely wasn't poking fun of you. I would absolutely love to join you on that. It's just magical. There's nothing more magical. It's just because it's like a little, it's like your own little fish tank that you're actually in. So I mean, I really, the end of my backyard was the beginning of the National Park. And how I would end the perfect morning is that my friends would walk out. It's a 40 minute bush walk to the headland and you get out there and it's called Boxhead and fun fact that used to be the longest left hand surf break in the world. No longer is but that's irrelevant but I just thought I'd tell people.

But I used to go for a bush walk there when I wanted to clear my head and I would go out and there would be like I'd look down and there'd be stingrays and there'd be seals and like, it's just, it's the closest I experienced to spirituality. Sort of like that. That's my, my understanding of, I think it's called pantheism. Um, where it's like a belief that God is in nature. Nature. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That's my experience of when I'm underwater or when I'm in the bush, that is where I

experience what I would consider. Like if you had to reset yourself to zero, that's when I feel that. It's home. Yeah. Okay. So let's crack on with your perfect afternoon. So my perfect afternoon starts with three games of temp in bowling. Three specifically.

Okay. Three specifically, because whenever you play two, you go, ah, that was over quick. And then you play three, you're like, that's enough. That's the right amount. It depends how many people you've got playing, but I will also play with like, I recently played with my niece and just you and your niece, just me and my niece. Yeah. I took her out for the day.

Yeah. Yeah. You can't just play too. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You need more. You need three.

You got to do a, having said that she played bumper bowling and I didn't, she's 12. And then was like rubbing it in my face that she beat me. I I didn't, she's 12, and then was rubbing it in my face that she beat me. I'm like, yeah, obviously you beat me. Because you had the bumpers up. You had the bumpers. I did consider getting the bumpers as well. Did you really give her a hard time about the bumpers or did you keep it to yourself? No, I was gracious. She was not and that is very difficult for me because I want to dab on her. I actually think 12, I think by 12 you can be getting rid of your bumpers, can't you?

Yeah, I mean, absolutely. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So where are we playing, where are we bowling? I think we're just going to bowl at like, I mean, look, the place that I do bowl in London is Rowan's at Finsbury Park, obviously. The comedians love a bit of Rowan's. This is the second time Rowan's has got a mention on Perfect Time. Really?

That's so funny. I have done so many birthdays there. We've had like surprise parties for other people. Rowan's is the shit. And then on Friday- You're not in Kingpins, are you? No. I mean, that hurts.

I'm assuming that is a comedian's gang- That's Tim Keyes. That's Tim Keyes WhatsApp group. I'm assuming that is a comedian's gang. That's Tim Key's WhatsApp group. The aforementioned. I'm not in the backpack. Someone called them, I think it was about the time that Tim and Kitson and Josie all started to emerge at the same time and they would hang out and someone called them the backpack and milkshake gang. It might've been Glen Wall, I don't know, it really made me laugh.

So you're in Roans with your niece or who you're bowling with? No, I would say, I mean, comedians are good people to bowl with. Competitive. Competitive, but also great chat. I think that all of these, all of the activities that I do with friends on, in this perfect day, probably all involve comedians. And then I've got two honoraries that are friends of mine. Oh, I love this so much.

For the listeners at home, I do this quite often. I'll say one and then I'll say two with my fingers and then the balloons go up. The fucking balloons, man. Do you know all of them? I don't know. I know the fire. There's fireworks, isn't there? Yeah, there's confetti, which is two.

Two twos. That's two piece signs. That's actually amazing. Thumbs down is obviously a thumbs down. Thumbs down, thumbs up. Two thumbs down is rain. Oh my God, I didn't know that. Two thumbs up is rain. Oh my God. I didn't know that. Two thumbs up is fireworks. Oh, okay. You haven't seen this one then Jess. If you didn't know about

thumbs down, rock on. Lasers. Yeah. What's happened to your hair? Guess, well, it goes away when you rock out too hard, Jess. Oh my God. Thank you for telling me about that. We could do this all day. It doesn't make great radio content. Great. Okay. So we're bowling? Yes, we're bowling. Great. I'm going to say the people I want to bowl with always Roisin Conaty at all times. I want Roisin around me any chance I can get. I'm so in love with her. She's so smart and so funny. Michelle DeSwart again. Just know her.

She seems so fucking cool and funny. She's so fucking cool and funny, but not, not ever. I mean, in the most unpretentious way. And that's what makes her so fucking cool. On top of the fact that she's, you know, one of the most beautiful women in the world and an ex model, the knowledge The knowledge and understanding and perspective that she has on the world is so interesting and so good. And I feel like I'm, I get smarter when I'm around those women.

Ah, love those friends. Yeah. And they're not doing it to like lecture anyone. They just say some shit. I'm like, what? Are you a poet? You can't just say that in conversation and not put it on a t-shirt. That's insane. If I was that smart, I would be contacting

like Nobel going, I'm ready for the prize. Okay, so we do three games of bowling. I have probably some other friends as well. Then we are transported back to a Korean bathhouse in Sydney that I don't know if it exists anymore. A Korean bathhouse? Yes. And it was one of the first times I was probably like in my early 20s when I went there, maybe mid 20s. And so it's full of Korean women. And everyone's naked, all of the women are naked. And you have like, you have a dry sauna, a wet sauna, you have a plunge pool, a ginseng pool and a hot pool. And then you have all these seats around in front of mirrors and in front of the mirrors, there's a shower head and I think a hairdryer as well, shampoo, conditioner and soap. And so you can just sit there and wash yourself in front of the mirror.

And it was the first time I saw like women in their 50s or 60s and like very shapely women and they were just literally just washing themselves over a bucket. And I was like, that woman is liberated. Like it was, I was so self conscious about my body. I had no real concept of my sexuality of what my, like of being a feeling powerful in, in, in my body or that it's a good thing to feel sexy or anything like that, I just didn't even know how to experience that. And I literally remember going, Oh, that woman is free. Like she's not going, I I'm nearly 60.

I'm not a, you know, a conventionally small size. And this is like early 2000s. So we were only just out of heroin chic. It's so interesting that like, I can remember being kind of like freaked out by the sight of naked women in changing rooms who had like saggy bits and were kind of like flossing themselves with a towel, you know, that kind of that, that whole thing and just be actually I remember sort of being mildly like feeling mild disgust. Yeah. Which is terrible. Isn't it? But that's so interesting that you were like, you had the feeling of like, oh, that woman is free. That was the first time I'd ever experienced that though. I was, I was, you know, I had lots of internalised misogyny.

Uh, literally when I first started doing sketch comedy, so we had a TV show and I remember my first interview and of course I asked the question, can women be funny? Asking me to my face, which it's so funny. We were like, wait, you asked a woman that? What? That's, that's an insane thing to ask. And now that is still like that. Now it, now the question is like, what do you say?

I mean, it's not quite as bad, but it's not, it's not. I used to get asked every interview. I used to get asked, what do you say to people who say that women aren't funny, which was like one step removed from basically saying, yeah, what did you say? I said, as long as they're not talking about women's stuff, like periods. You know, I was 23, 24. So when I hear young women sort of spout misogynistic stuff or anti-women stuff, I'm like, yeah, I was like that.

I get it. I know we've progressed a lot since then, but there's also, I give some people some grace for youth. Yeah, but there's so much to be undone. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You can't like... Well, it's swinging back now, so there's more to be undone. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. There will continue to be more to be undone.

So we're at the Koreans barhouse. We're at the Koreans barhouse. We wash our hair because you have to have a shower before you get in. And then we do a hot pool, plunge pool, hot pool, plunge pool, ginseng pool. We do some saunas. And then you get a massage. You can book a massage. There's all of these ladies, they're just wearing underpants, vests, and all of their hair is wrapped up in these thin t-shirt towels.

First they just pour a bucket of warm water on you. Then they would scrub and exfoliate your entire body in a very aggressive fashion. Then they would pour more water on you and then they would cover you in oil and then they would give you a walk on your back, hold rails on the ceiling massage. It was just sick. Oh my God, this is absolute heaven. On the normal, like I guess there is no normal day for you, but let's say it's not a shoot day or like, you know, it's just like a normal day. How, like when, when do you do your work and tell me like, how do you, how do you manage to like get your writing done and stuff? How do you write as a stunder? I am awful, awful, so disorganized.

I'm a hundred percent undiagnosed. Uh, so what I will do is, and I've done this for years, is I'll sit down, go, right. You've got to write this thing. And then I will not write that thing, but I will sit in front of my computer with my phone. And then I'll be on my phone and then I'll like, I'll make a cup of tea. And then I'll also make a list of all the other things that I haven't done. And rather than saying, right, you've got two hours to write. And then after that, you're going to clean your house for half an hour.

And then after that, you've got to do a food shop writing. The work always comes first and then I don't do the work and then nothing else gets done and then I've got to pick my son up from school. Oh my God. That feeling. I just, the feeling when gets done. And then I've got to pick my son up from school. Oh my God, that feeling. That feeling. The feeling when the day is over and you've got to go and collect a child. Yeah, you're like, you fucked it. You fucked it, mate.

But it's not it's because it's a ridiculous time of day to have to finish the working day. Yeah, three thirty is. Three thirty is the middle of the working day. And in the middle of summer, that's the middle of daylight. So when, but when you are actually sort of writing, when you do it, like, how do you just try it? Do you just do everything on stage? Absolutely fucking not in no world.

I write every single, I write every joke word for word. I rehearse it, I practice it, and only then do I have the freedom to riff on stage. I know I look like absolute chaos on stage. The only reason I look like chaos and I have the freedom to look like that on stage is because all of my stuff is written and then I can just enjoy, because I know the show or the joke so well, then I can enjoy what's happening in the room. So it makes it look like it's just coming to me, but it absolutely is not.

If your brain works that you have to like get all this stuff done and like, how do you get to the point where you are actually sitting down and writing the joke? Well it's been a bit of a funny time because, again, Instagram will tell you that my life is amazing and that I've just, you know, hitting all these heights. And just not the case, you know, like I filmed Time Bandits in 2022, like from September 2022 to January 2023. I broke up with my husband two months later. We filmed to the office four months later, but they didn't come out until 2024, either

of those shows. So by that stage, I'm a single mum. I am struggling financially and these big shows are coming. Oh my God, of course the balloons. Of course the balloons. It always happens when I'm talking about something tragic. So I'm enjoying that this is audio content. It's so funny. Of course the balloons. It always happens when I'm talking about something tragic.

This is audio content. It's so funny. Just reeling off, sorry, what just happened for the listeners. Felicity was reeling off her traumas one by one. Not her traumas, sorry. And the FaceTime balloons come up. The balloons came up. It's so funny.

Sorry. Carry on. And so I also have been writing this stand up show for like four or five years. So the show that I'm touring at the moment, it's a two hour show and it's mostly about being a mum and how much I, number one, I thought I would fall pregnant very easily and I didn't at all. And then when I became a mom, I loved my son, but I hated being a mom.

And then how difficult that was. And then all the stuff that sort of came after that. But we'd loads of jokes, don't worry. But I've been writing this for so long. I haven't written loads of new standup. Like, I think I wrote maybe 10 or 15 minutes, maybe last year, but I am so sick of doing, you know, the show was originally three one hour shows and it was going to be one hour on pregnancy, one

hour on the birth story and then one hour on having a newborn. And I did that sort of like as a work in progress. And then I trialed it as one long show, two hours long with an interval. And it just worked better that way. Wow. But I've been doing all of that material now for four or five years and I'm so bored of it and literally can't face doing a club gig without having to, I've got to rewrite, I've got to start writing again.

Right. So to answer your question, it's just been whenever something comes to me, I write it down. But usually I go to a cafe. If I'm writing jokes, I'll like fleshing stuff out. I'll write it in a notepad with a book, like with a pen. If I'm writing for a panel show, I'll write that on a computer. Do you have panel shows in Australia?

Yeah. Yep. They're making new ones. You know how we're, we're scrapping them over here. We scrapped them. We've said no to that. It's a, it's a really tough time for UK comedy. It's a really weird old time.

Isn't it? It will bounce back. I really do believe it will because I think people want it and I think people will miss it when it's not there and there will be, there will be an appetite for it again. All right. Let's have you perfect night Felicity Ward. All right, let's have you perfect night Felicity Ward. Perfect night. Look, my perfect night is very basic bitch.

I, it's bullet points. It's dinner, dancing, private karaoke room off that dance floor with only extroverts, only with extroverts. I have had too many karaoke's with my friends that are not that comfortable with karaoke and I've had to do it and then I'm like, I don't even love karaoke that much.

I do, but I need a fallback wage so I can hear myself and they do not provide that. Are you a good singer? If I have a fallback wage, yes. I'm okay, I'm okay, I'm not great. Hang on, a what? So you know, have you If I have a fallback wedge, yes. I'm okay. I'm okay. I'm not great. Hang on. A what?

So you know, have you ever done like a standup gig where they have a speaker that faces you? Oh yeah, I'm on this. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. You know how karaoke is like the worst sound ever? You're like, I can't hear whether I'm singing or not. I don't know if this is good, but I can sing okay. An earpiece.

And that's what I, I just need a little the earpiece. Is that too much to ask? So going back, where's dinner? What's dinner? It's hard to say. Look, I'm an absolute sucker for a $10 steak. In Sydney, there was a phenomenon. You can get a cheap, good cheap steak in Sydney. In Melbourne, you can get a good, cheap Parmigiana. Do you know what a Parmigiana is? Uh, like an aubergine Parmigiana. It's like a, um, like a chicken schnitzel with a red, like tomato sauce and Parmesan cheese oven baked.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So you can get a cheap parmigiana in, um, Melbourne and you can get a cheap steak in Sydney. Because I lived in Sydney first and I'm from New South Wales, I think that's what I would get. I would get a really good pub steak, chips and salad, classic.

And then we would go dancing. I don't know where we were going dancing, probably a gay bar. That is again where I spent a majority of my,, no, do you know what we do? Then we would, uh, teleport to Barcelona where I went to an outdoor party at like two o'clock in the morning. I went with strangers. I met people on the platform of the train and they were going there too. And we went there and I didn't know anyone else there. Was it an outdoor club or what?

It was like an outdoor club. I'm trying to remember it. I don't know if it was like ruins where they set up a DJ or I'm just like romanticizing that this is the most embarrassing thing I went to. I went to Barcelona when I was newly sober and I was like traveling the world by myself. I was single for the first time in eight years. I had left a fiance and a lot of lives. Haven fiance and... Cause you've had a lot of lives, haven't you?

Baby, I've had a lot of life. Whatever you tell me. That's the thing, like I'm on dating apps and the bare minimum that people try to give away, I'm like, do you know what you're dealing with? Like a divorce and nearly married. There was another person who nearly proposed to me. I've been to therapy. I've stopped drinking. I've had a child.

I've lived overseas. I'm from a dysfunctional childhood. I've done a lot of work on myself. I've got a lot of cool things to say. I'm fun. I'm interesting. I'm smart. What are you bringing to the fucking table?

Hey babe, what are you wearing? Oh, they don't, no, no, no, they. What are you bringing to the fucking table? Hey, babe, what are you wearing? Oh, they don't know. No, no, no. They don't ask you questions. Hey, hey, what can't hey what how so how is the dating? How is the dating scene? Look, for the first time in my life, I have always been in love or in limerence always. I've always been like a hopeless romantic. I love being in love. I love meeting people.. I've always been like a hopeless romantic. I love being in love. I love meeting people. I love the fantasy of it all.

And then when I separated from my ex-husband, I had like a year of being sad and then I started dating. And then I realized like, oh, this is the first time in my life that I've had standards and it feels like I'm sticking to them. And I genuinely, like the thing that used to, that I used to be delusional about and go I could make this into a relationship which I've always had. I've had a like I can make something out of this attitude and then grow resentful at

them for being the person they were not the person that they that I wanted them to be which is absolutely unfair. That has just clicked. And so there are people that I've gone on dates with where I've gone, if I went out with you 10 years ago, I would try to make this a relationship, but let me tell you, there is no funny people out there. No one is funny. No one.

Do you want them to be funny though? Yes. I mean, do you want them to be funnier than you? No, I just, I just want them to make me laugh. Right. If they're really funny, how do they feel about you being funny? Are we talking about men? Everyone.

So I realized I was bi about three years ago. Didn't know. Oh, wow. Okay. So you're casting the net wide. And I am dating. I can tell you, I have been on since last May, your eyes are gonna pop out of your head. I reckon I've been on 30 dates.

Whoa. One person has been funny enough. Wow. God, that's annoying. One. And I don't mean like, this is the thing, I've got girlfriends, I'm sure you do too, who are not comedians, but they are like,

we laugh in a way, like tears rolling down your fate. Oh yeah. To be honest, like my funniest friends are probably not comedians. Yeah, yeah, totally. Like those people that you like, I just want to be around you. How much do you give away immediately about like your many lives and your fame and stuff like that? Like how do you play it? Well, I don't tell people I'm a comedian unless we meet in person because they will often ask, but I just don't want them to Google me. What do you say when they ask you what you do?

I say I'm a comedian. Oh, right. So you don't lie? No, I never lie. I mean, there is a meme that I saw a couple of years ago and it said something like, I'm so desperate to be mysterious, but I simply cannot shut the fuck up. That is me. You really relate to that, me too. All I want to do is like, you know those people that like, what's it like to hold your cards close to your chest? What's that like? What's keeping a thought to yourself like? I'd love to know.

We're supposed to be talking about my ideal day and yet I've brought up every detail of my trauma. No, but it's wonderful. Why would you be any other way though? I can't. I would love to be another way. It is not available to me, Jess. This is the default setting. Oh, but I despise the opposite Felicity. Oh, so do I. Like one of the questions that I ask people on apps is if I feel like they're a slightly cool person, I'm like, what sets your heart on fire? That's what I want to know about people. I don't give a shit how many siblings you've got. Actually, no, I do. I like that stuff too. But like what makes your soul explode? What's the reason that you can keep going? What's the thing that makes you

feel like a child? Who would you be if fear wasn't an issue? Like that's what I want to talk to people about. So on your perfect night, is there room for an intense chat with a friend then? I've got great news, Jess. We finish the private karaoke room, then we go dancing, then we go back to my place, have a slumber party and play board games. Yeah. I love it.

Slumber parties are the shit. Adult slumber parties? I know. I just, I had one, I had one a couple of weeks ago. Yeah. Did you? Yeah. How many friends?

Because no, just my, just one friend. Great. I sleep over at hers because the nice thing about not living in London, but ago. Yeah. Did you? How many friends? Because no, just one friend. I sleep over at hers because the nice thing about not living in London, but working in London is that I get to go and sleep over at my friend's houses and then wake up and have breakfast with them in our pajamas. Cause there's room and time. Yes. Yeah.

Felicity, I think we'll leave it there because we got to the morning, which we've never done. We've got it. And just to finish in the morning. The morning, the next day, the next perfect day. The next perfect day. I just feel like it feels remiss to not say waking up next to your kid is really nice as well. Oh yeah.

I love a night where I get to sleep by myself, but he, he didn't start till he was three coming into, um, my bed. He wasn't like, he wasn't, he hated it. He wasn't interested even in a morning cuddle and he still wants to just get up. But like, you know, when you roll over and because I'm single, there's only two of us in the bed, if he comes in, you roll over in their little foot there. I do know that. When it's not kicking you in the nose.

Yeah, or winding you. Yeah, in the throat. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's a nice little bonus. Yeah. Okay. We can't start the next day. We can't do another day as much as I want to.

That's fair. But Felicity, thank you so much. It's been such an insight. It's been such a joy to talk to you. And thanks so much for coming on Perfect Day. Not at all. It's been an absolute delight. What an incredible lady. Unfortunately, random story time once again thwarted by the actual format. So many more stories to share but what an amazing insight into such an intelligent, funny woman with a spectacular northern accent. Even if I do say so myself. Thanks for dropping by Perfect Dayers. You know the drill. Leave us a review and a rating.

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