Perfect Day with Jessica Knappett - EP 40: Ria Lina

Episode Date: April 17, 2025

What do Benedict Cumberbatch, double beds and curated nature have in common? They all feature in the fantastic Ria Lina’s perfect day of course! Incredibly clever, honest and unreservedly funny Ria joins Jess this week to bond over their hatred of ill-fitting tights and discuss Ria’s ultra relaxing, importantly breeze-free, perfect day. Like and subscribe for brand-new episodes every Thursday. Follow us on Instagram @perfectdaycast. And, why not get in touch? Email us at [e-mail] A Keep It Light Media Production Sales and general enquiries: [e-mail] Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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or contact your travel agent Air Canada. Nice travels. Alright then. When it's sunny, you feel super great about wearing lycra. Hello Perfect Dayers, I'm Jessica Knappett and you are 98% dry shampoo today and that's okay. Welcome to Perfect Day. Today's guest is the holder of many letters including BSC, MSC and PhD. OMGWTF, it's the incredible comedian, actress and writer Rialina BTWHSBC. Strap in because it's a big one. She is so brainy, so fearless, so funny and I lost count of how many tabs we opened. I don't think we closed them all. That's the tange. That's the nature of the tange. But we cover a lot of topics. We talk the three M's,

menstruation, marriage, maternal instinct, and importantly the difference between hosiery and hosier. At one point Benedict Cumberbatch makes an appearance and we eat an incredibly quiet Japanese meal. I could try to explain but it'd be better if you listen. So let's get into it, turn off your fan machines, this is Rialina's perfect day. I'm gonna do that thing that the young people do, I'm gonna manifest. All right then. Rheolina welcome to Perfect Day. Thank you.

Does the world know about Edinburgh yet? The world found out today that I am going to be in Edinburgh for the full month. So please, if you are in Edinburgh and you're a bin man, please pick up, please collect the bins. Because I hear they didn't do that one year. Oh, really? Yeah, they just left. They just didn't do that. It's a bit like Birmingham.

So right now in Birmingham at time of recording, at time of recording, the rats are getting like king rat size. Yeah, they're having a day. I think the foxes. The rats are having a perfect day. They are having. They are. By the way, well done on the weather today. I was walking here going, wow, you nailed.

Thank you. You nailed the perfect day. I know the perfect weather to be downstairs in a windowless basement. I thought, you know, I always end up traveling when London has its, you know, they go, London's going to have a heat wave for three days. It'll be hotter than Ibiza. And I'll be like, great, I'm in Finland. Thank goodness it's warm in London.

So you about to go on tour. Tour is going to start right after Edinburgh. Okay, great. The logic of that is the show isn't ready by the time I get to Edinburgh. It'll be ready. When I, yeah. Okay, great. The logic of that is, if the show isn't ready by the time I get to Edinburgh, it'll be ready. When I, yeah. That's great. I will be on my knees. Oh, wow.

Okay, so it all begins in August. Exciting. Actually, July. Is Edinburgh July? End of July. No, it's just because of, you know how it falls. Yeah, yeah. I think that my first preview date is something like the 28th of July. Isn't

that crazy? Wow. That's actually... No, I'm not going to say it. It's not soon. It's quite... You've got ages. I think it's so brave. I just have so much admiration for people who can write a whole hour of just them. It just blows my mind. I love stand-ups. I'm gonna be honest with you. I also am very in admiration of people who can do that

because I'm sitting here right now looking at a blank computer going, I wrote one line this week. I've written one line. What is it? And I was really happy. Can you tell us? Can we have a preview? Yes, you can have a preview.

I was very pleased with this line and I did not take the rest of the day off. You know how they say, oh, I was so, the day I wrote that joke, I took the rest of the day off. I did not take the rest of the day off. My brain just didn't give me anything else. Very much the rest of the day went, that is great. Good brain, good brain, that was a good line.

So the line is, the longer I live with my ex-husband, cause I do, right, the longer I live with my ex-husband, the more I wonder why I didn't eat him after we made our last child. Do you? So a lot to unpack. Yeah, OK. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Do you? So you live with your ex-husband. I live with my ex-husband.

When did you? Do you mind talking about this? No, it's fine. I did a whole show about it. Oh, right. So you've done a whole show. So this is old news. But when did you break up with him? I broke up with him in 2016. He didn't realize it until 2021. Did you not tell him? I did tell him. I was very clear with him.

I told him because I had an ultimatum. I said this is the last time XYZ can happen. So I won't go into those details. I'll protect his modesty in that regard. But it did happen. And I broke up with him on the phone because I was in Edinburgh, actually, and he was in Canada.

And I said, that's it. I told you that was my line. You've crossed that line. We are now done. And then I came home from Edinburgh. He came home from Canada. We had kids. We were still living together.

And we were actually by then already in separate bedrooms anyway. And so we you know, and we were actually by then already in separate bedrooms anyway. And so we just continued with life, but without the sex. I was like, right, that's it, we're done, we're living together. And then fast forward to the pandemic, and we're still fighting like a couple. So we're not loving like a couple, but we're still fighting like a couple. And I said, this needs to stop. And I am ashamed to say I totally understand now because I hated it at the time but I totally appreciate what Gwyneth Paltrow meant when she said we need to consciously uncouple and I went oh it sounded so naff but I'm like oh that's what

that means and I said we do we have to consciously uncouple. It has to be deliberate rather than just plodding along. So we had to actively start to respect each other. So that's the thing is when you're in a couple, your lines blur, you know, your lines blur and there's no boundaries between the two of you and you can show each other your worst and yell at each other. And we were still doing that. And so we consciously had to go, okay, I won't be here this evening. Do you mind doing dinner for the kids? Which sounds crazy. You shouldn't have to ask be here this evening. Do you mind doing dinner for the kids?

Which sounds crazy. You shouldn't have to ask the parent of your kids if they mind doing dinner for the kids. But if you normally do dinner and they don't normally do dinner, then it is respectful to say, hi, this is what my schedule is. I'm letting you know, you know,

this is what's already in the fridge. This is what needs to be done. Do you know what I mean? Like something as simple as that. So we started to, you know, so we did that, but that's where I realized that he thought that we'd gotten back together. And then I went, no, no, no, no, no. I set out my boundaries.

I told you clearly where I was at with that. And then we still had to kind of go through that separation cycle again. And then in around, I think it was 22, 21, 22, the government went, hey, remember how we were gonna bring in Quickie Divorce? Well, we brought it in now. And I was like, great.

So we did that. Tesco Divorce. Yeah, I love it. I recommend. How did you? I mean, not if you're happy. How does it work? No, no, I'm good.

I'm not, yeah. What do you have to do in that situation? Like, do you just do it online? Just like fill out a form online? It's literally online. So, I mean, this is what's crazy. To me, it was crazy that up until the 2020s in the UK, in order to get divorced,

one of you had to take the blame for it. So it's very easy to get married. It's oh la-di-da, oh my God, where's that one love? And oh, isn't my dress pretty? You know, sign, sign, sign, eat, eat, eat, some overcooked chicken, and then suddenly you're married. But to get divorced, one of you has to properly take responsibility for it.

And there was no blame in our relationship. There was no, you know, it wasn't more his fault than mine. And your ways of getting divorced was either someone says, yeah, we have irreconcilable differences. I was a complete, what are our language boundaries on this podcast? No boundaries. Asshole, I was a complete and utter asshole.

And it wasn't fair to either of us to say that, which goes on public record, or you have to separate for two years or five years, and we were living together, so we couldn't do that one either. We were kind of screwed in this situation where we go, we both agreed. Yeah.

You know, we just drifted apart really, and it was in his interest more than mine to find someone that suited him better, which he'd done. He's got a lovely girlfriend and they've been together for a few years now and it works great for them and that's wonderful and I'm very happy for them. But it was very clear to me that I wasn't giving him

what he needed as a man and therefore I wasn't getting out of him what I needed to get out of him as a man in terms, you know, so it was a, men are like plants. If you don't water them, they wilt. They're very simple creatures. Yeah. Yeah. So true. But we're also, we also need watering. We do, but in a much more complex way. And the thing about women is that we actually water ourselves and each other better than men do to continue this rather strange metaphor. But we do.

We are healthier and happier alone and with female companionship than we are with a man who... Isn't that the thing about those statistics about marriage couples that it, like with age, men get happier and women get unhappy, like the longer the marriage goes on. Yeah, well. Like basically that marriage is much better for men. Yes. Than it is for women.

Than it is for women. And it's also why if the woman dies first, he dies very quickly after. Men are a lot of men. So this is a huge generalization. I would say are unfortunately quite bad at taking care of themselves. I have noticed this.

And it's partly because we're really natural. A lot of us are very natural at nurturing and going in. I mean, I'll do it in any room. I'm a mom. I'll walk into the green room and start tidying. You know, it's just part of your nature to, you know, or if the open spot comes in, I'll be like, listen, I'm not drinking my beer.

You have my beer. Okay, you relax. What do you need? Do you know where the light is? Do you know what you know? That it's kind of in our nation to do that. Yeah. And then we just start mothering. But you see the problem with that is it's so easy for it to be taken advantage of that state. And it does. And like, I don't know, it's a very incompetent. Yeah. It's very, it's incredibly complex because we have to put our boundaries in. We have to stop doing it. Yeah. But we don't want we have to put our boundaries in. We have to stop doing it.

Yeah. But we don't want to because we're good at it. And it's natural. Well, it gives us something back. I mean, you've got younger kids, right? Your kids are, oh, cuddle them as much as you can because I guarantee in 10 years, they'll be like, no, mom, yeah, get away from me. You know what I mean?

Cuddle them now. When they crawl into your bed in the morning, let them stay. Like take... They're just in my bed all night anyway bed in the morning, let them stay. Like take- They're just in my bed all night. Right, well there we go. Okay, well I'm interested to know whether or not hugs from cute children are gonna come up

in your perfect day. I didn't even think of that. I'm gonna be honest with you, there are no children in my perfect day. Very common situation from parents on the podcast. Reish, we get going. Let's do it. common situation from parents on the podcast. Rear should we get going? Let's do it.

Perfect morning. Rear Lina, what's your perfect morning? Do you know what? Okay, so I'm a night owl. I'm a comedian. And I gravitated towards that because I'm a night owl. And I think it's probably because I probably have, I'm autistic.

And so I have brain elements that are similar to ADHD, but not quite the same. And we don't wake up till later in the day. So I don't know that there is a morning to my morning. Yeah, we don't, we, cause of the way that melatonin where it takes, so you know how kids with ADHD struggle to fall asleep because they're under melatoninated?

I don't know if that's a word. Trust me, I'm a scientist. Yeah, no, I was gonna say, don't you have like a BSc and an MSc and a PhD? MSc and a PhD, yeah, I do. I also have letters. I have lots of letters. You have a lot of them.

I stayed at uni for a long time for those letters because of my other letters, my autism letters. That meant you could stay. Definitely meant I was very comfy in that environment. In the academic environment. That and 10% discount at Ryman. That is hard to give up. If I say this word to you, what feeling does it evince?

Paper chase. Oh, well actually, sorry. Yes, there was a massive paper chase on Tottenham Road. And I would go in there just to browse. Not necessarily to buy, but just to browse. And I just needed to spend time in the aisles. Have they all gone? They've kind of been subsumed, I think, into Tesco.

So you can get this tiny little paper chase bit, but it's just not what it was. It's just not the same. Do you know what really tragically happened on my high street? Sorry to make this about me, but paper Chase became a shop called Paper Kisses and it sells almost exclusively baby beanie toys. No, no, no. That's awful.

Can you imagine the horror? No, I'm sorry. What can you do? What can a baby beanie do? It's unacceptable. If I were in charge of the world, I would make a law that goes you cannot manufacture something that doesn't have at least three purposes. Wow. Think about who doesn't love a gadget. Are you a fan of zip off trousers? What are you? Wait a minute. Do you mean zip off like the basketball ones where you just rip them off and go play? Or do you mean the ones that are at the bottom of the... Not stripper trousers.

I mean shorts. Shorts that become capris, that become hiking. Yes, if they're made of that great material that you hike in, I think they're brilliant. The rule that you've created here is that every item has to have multiple purposes. So can you give me an example? Okay, a pencil. Anything that you own. A pencil you can write, you can draw, and you can erase.

Stab. Oh. Sorry, what did you say? You can stab. You see, that's four uses. It's definitely getting made. It can erase. Yeah, okay.

So it has to have a rubber. So a pencil with no rubber at the end. What the fuck? Yeah, I hate that. Like, what the fuck? I hate that, okay. So it has to have a rubber. So a pencil with no rubber at the end, what the fuck? Yeah, I hate that. Like what the fuck? I hate that actually. Even though the little rubber at the end is useless and it gets brown and it doesn't work very well, it still needs to be there.

Needs to be there. Yeah. Right? And I think those trousers are great for when we finally go backpacking around the world. That is, you just need two of those and you've got six outfit options. They're great. Because also what can you, I mean, you can probably do something with the lower leg part, like once it's been zipped away.

Oh, I see. And you're just in the shorts, like maybe you could manufacture something else. Well, if you put an extra zip at the end, you could extend them and they could become like sleepy. You know, you could sleep in them like a sleeping bag when you're out. Short when you're out.

Oh, zip them under your feet. Everything should be, I think we just need more zips basically is what we're saying. So let's go to perfect morning. Oh yeah, right. That's what we're supposed to be talking about. First of all, there's a lion. There has to be a lion and in a double bed, in a good bed.

Alone. Alone, oh yeah, obviously alone. And even though it is healthier and I prefer to sleep in absolute darkness, I am okay if suddenly halfway through the morning I am covered in that sun that comes through the window. Oh yeah. Right? You know, like just... Just the lovely morning glowy RNG sun. Yeah. That's the morning. That's how you... Is that how you're woken up? Just like gently by the golden morning sun. Do you know, that would be lovely not to be woken up by my own brain going,

you haven't done this and you haven't done that, don't forget this, you didn't email that and that person emailed you three weeks ago and you started a draft and never clicked send. I would love to be woken up by the sun. Is it every day? Is it like a daily battle that you're woken up with? Bah bah bah! Your own brain? I'll be honest with you, it depends how late I go to bed. If I work myself to exhaustion and don't go to bed till about three o'clock, then I am definitely guaranteed to sleep until at least nine. But on this occasion, you've had a decent

night's sleep and you've been woken up just by the gentle morning sun and all of your internal thoughts have been quietened. Yeah. Because there's nothing to worry about. Fantastic. I don't know whether you're in the other room doing my admin, I don't know what's going on. AI has done it. It's all been taken care of. It's all been taken care of.

So all my one job is self-care. What else? What's next? Okay, well eventually you get out because you know you can't stay in bed for too long because you know you go, you go, I need this sleep. But if you stay in bed for too long, you get that grogginess that never leaves you for the rest of the day. Yes.

If you're overslept. You can. There's such a thing. So another thing I don't do is exercise as much as I would like to because I just find that it takes too long. It does take a long time. And then you have to shower. Thank you. Right?

Yes, because you've got to get there. Well, the thing is that you've got to work up the mental strength to leave the house to go to the gym or whatever it is you're going to do. You've got to build up to it. Yes. I mean, it definitely helps that it's sunny because when it's sunny, you feel super great about wearing lycra. No one likes to wear lycra in winter.

It's not easy to get into. You just want to layer up in fleece. But when it's like this, the spring weather that we're having right now, then I'm like, you look at my body in lycra because I have exercised some and I deserve to be, you know, admired for the work that I've done.

You look great. I mean, I can't, I can't see you not wearing lycra, but I, I'm not, but I am wearing my skinny jeans today because I was feeling it. Are you like a gym person? Like what's this dream perfect workout? Because I don't, I am, I have to be accountable to somebody else. So on my perfect day, instead of traveling to wherever it is that I'm paying someone way too much money to exercise my body for me, and by that I mean yell at me so I do it, they come to me.

So I'm gonna get up. Home gym. Home gym. I mean, we've already put a double bed in a room that doesn't fit a double bed, so we're no longer in my house. Great. We are in, I don't know, we're in a villa.

There's gonna be a pool somewhere. There's gonna be a space and it's gonna be, and I, cause I hate breeze, love sun, hate breeze. So I- You hate breeze? Don't like breeze. I struggle with moving air. It really bugs me.

Don't get me wrong. If you're hot next to the pool, then a breeze is lovely. You know, when it's super hot, you dip into the pool and that feeling of water evaporating, great. But if you're just in a room inside and there's a draft, it drives me nuts. It's almost like it goes back to this need for it to have a purpose.

It's like, it's fine if it's cooling me down next to a pool, then it has a purpose. But if it's just a random breeze for no reason, you know, and you can feel your hair getting, you know what I mean? I mean I hate wind for that. There's some people who really, like I know a breeze is suggests to me like a nice cooling calm sensation. Okay. But wind can fuck off. I'm with you on that. It is about wind. So when we do our exercise, we're gonna be outdoors, but sheltered such that there is no wind.

Or we're gonna be inside a conservatory where the glass is just meaning that the sun is coming through. We're getting all the benefits of that without the UV. We're doing our Pilates. Perfectly air conditioned, but no actual sensation of air. You know exactly what I'm talking about. The temperature is good but it's still.

The temperature needs to not change and that's the problem with wind and breeze is when you go, no, no, I can be happy at 15 degrees but it needs to stay 15 degrees. You need the consistency. Consistency. You need to know where you are with the... Purpose and consistency. You're getting me. You know me. I kind of do get this. So you must hate British weather. Oh, with a passion. I am definitely like three hosier shades lighter than I was when I was a kid because I've been living... Three hosier...

You know, tights. Hosier? What do they call them? Oh, denier. Denier? Denier. What do they call them? Oh, tights. Denier. Denier? Denier. What's Denier? Isn't Hosier a band?

Is it? No, that's Hoosiers. Hoosier? Is that them? Goodbye Mr. Ray. You promised you would love us, but you knew too much. I'm thinking of, right.

Hosiery. That's the word I'm looking for. Hosiery, thank you. But Denier is the. Is Denier, oh no, that's the thickness though, isn't it? Oh, is it? You know how they would be. Hosier is,

take me to church, I'll worship by the sun. Oh. Ha ha ha ha. Anyway, cross purposes. Do you think he named himself that so that women would speak about him accidentally? Yeah, when they were actually talking about tights. Yeah, sorry, I meant Denier.

I love that band, Denier. Denier? What's their song? What was theirs? Pull up my tights, they're warm, but a little bit too transparent. And not the right flesh tone. Because even- How do you feel about tights?

I don't, you know what? I bet you don't like them. Don't, don't wear them. Don't like them. I will avoid, I like the warmth of tights. Yes. But I don't like the feeling of tights. I was scarred as a child because I was putting tights a lot as a child, but you

know how you need the tights to be snug around the crotch? And when they're a little bit too, like those wool tights where they just sort of end between your legs and there's a gap between the tight crotch and your tight, they never quite fit. That was enough to just go, nah, nah. No, thank you. And also, do you know the other place where they don't fit is the heel, the ankle. And so it sticks up out of your school shoe. So there you are, a burgeoning, you know,

pubescent girl trying to look as attractive as you're trying to look for, you know, the boys school across the road. And your heels are sticking out and you're waddling like a duck because your crotch is too low down. Your crotch is low and your tights are baggy at the knee and the ankle.

That was my look at school. And the thing is, my friends seem to have tights that baggy at the knee and the ankle. That was my look at school. And the thing is, my friends seem to have tights that fit them perfectly. Always. But I, because I was tall, I had to wear large tights. But you were slim. But I was slim. So they were just always baggy around the knee. But also they just seemed to be made of the cheap. Like my parents probably bought my tights like from the fucking pound shop or Asda or something and everyone else had nice like M&S tights. I probably was given tights that my mother had kept since 1967 because she is great at keeping things. When I had my first period she went into...

Oh God where is this going? She went under... She went under the sink. No it wasn't there because she hadn't had a period in a while. And then she went up into the cupboard and she pulled out a box full of pads. And in the 1970s she handed me a belt. Oh, fuck. A belt that had a hook in the front and a hook in the back.

Because when she was young, they used belts and they would hook the pad on the thing in the front. Now actually, given- Oh, we've got a whole week's worth of rags here, Ria. So what was incredible though was that with the trouble I had with pads, because I don't under- you know pads with wings, I needed that because I needed the extra protection because it went everywhere. But I couldn't ever figure out how do I, the glue was never strong enough to stick on the underwear long enough for me to then get the wing and go round.

So then the wing sticks to itself. Every man listening has no idea what I'm talking about. But every woman knows exactly what I'm talking about. So to all men listening to this podcast, this next section you're gonna feel uncomfortable with, but you will stick through it because you need to know this for all of the mothers and sisters and women in your life. Do you understand me? Do not turn away. I'm not the only, I know there are people listening or

we're cutting this out. I know there are people listening that are, that are, are relating to this. Yes. You don't just get your period and know how to handle it straight away. No, you don't. It takes practice. No, and it's really like, even with, I tell you what, well, oh gosh, too many tangents, but even with like years of understanding it, I still don't think I've quite cracked it. Like to an extent, as in I've only just started paying attention to my actual cycle, as in like.

Thank goodness for the apps, right? Yeah, like when it comes and when it in like, thank goodness for the apps, right? Yeah, I wouldn't know when it comes in if I didn't mark it. And actually what I've realized is that one ovary is a shorter cycle than the other. That's incredible that you've noticed that. That's fascinating. I only noticed that because I've started writing it down. One month it'll be 22 and one month it'll be 27. 22 is so fucking short.

It is short. By the way, I could have this wrong, by the way. Like even as I'm saying it, I'm starting to doubt myself. Does that make any sense? Yes, it makes total sense. That's incredible that you noticed that. But you also start to notice that, well, I read this book or I'm reading this book, Wild Power. Have you read it? No, but it sounds like a goddess type book. And it's all about like pay attention to how you feel at certain times in your cycle because you change as a person. And women are cyclical beings and we are so used to our emotions changing like week by week and men are not and it's like about embracing the fact that we're different. Like we're very, very different. We operate in completely different

ways and don't try and don't burn yourself out when you're about to like get your period. And you are at your optimal like when you're ovulating and all of this stuff like I just didn't know this shit. No, it's incredible how much is out there and I would get videos on my on my you know social media feed and they just be, when you're in your luteal phase, you need to eat like this, when you're in that phase. And I went, fuck off, I have no idea what phase I'm in. I'm still lurching from day to day.

The idea that you can is great, but until you give me, the amount of work you have to do to just keep track of being woman. Do you want me to keep track of being a woman or be a woman? Which one do you want? Because I don't have time to do both. Genuinely, the most I can do is remember, oh, I started my period last Wednesday, I better put it in my app. That's as much as I can do.

Yeah. How the fuck did we get onto this? I don't know, but let's continue. Tights. Because I was tight. Right. Let's. I'm so sorry. That is not in my perfect afternoon. It was tied. Right, let's. I'm so sorry. No, no, I love it. That is not in my perfect afternoon. It started. It was fantastic. It was no menstruating in my perfect day. I love it.

This is Tange City. We always take a ride there. Tange City. And we're okay. We're okay with it. It started because you were saying that you'd like changed shade when you moved to. Oh, because of the weather. That's it.

Let's go backwards in time. Yeah. We were talking about perfect weather. I'm. British weather doesn't work for me. And I think that eventually I will retire to an island where people probably look more like me. I am an island person, just not this island. So where are we? We've done a workout with our personal training. We've done a workout and then we may or may not shower simply because I think my afternoon is going to be by the pool. Oh, right.

Okay. So are we on to afternoon? Well, we didn't wake up till 12. We didn't get up till 12. So we are in the afternoon. Lovely. So what's for lunch? Do you like a bit of sushi, which has some grain in it?

Love anything Japanese. I'm just, you know, it's fish and it's a bento box perhaps. And you don't have to cut it. You don't have to cut it. You can just stab it with a chopstick or you can eat it with your hands. Well, the Japanese believe that, you know, that's what they eat with chopsticks, but all food is prepared to be eaten ready to go. So they don't do knife and fork.

It's done in the kitchen. Yeah. You know, when you go to like a really fancy sushi restaurant, it's actually quite fat. Like when it's a sushi bar, it's actually incredibly quick, isn't it? Like they put it out and then the expectation is that you'll just like gobble it. You eat it and then they just it's that's how they put it in front of you. You eat it, put another one in front of you and you eat it. So I love I love Japanese food generally. And again, it's because it suits me really well. I realized that when we go out as a family, our go to is

Japanese. We always go to Japanese and I just just thought, well, we all love the cuisine. It's brilliant. Love the cuisine. And then I realized a couple of years ago when we were, where were we? I think we were probably at my parents' house. And my parents have ceramic plates and metal knives and forks and difficulty hearing.

And we were just sitting around the table and there was just like, all of those sounds of knives and forks and difficulty hearing. And we were just sitting around the table and there was just like all of those sounds of knives and forks on plates. And I went, that's why we go to Japanese because it's all plastic. All of the plates are plastic. The chopsticks are wood or plastic. There's no none of that metal on scraping noise that none of us can stand because in my house, all of our plates are plastic or melanin because we cannot, we also, I mean, also we can't deal with the sound of each other chewing. So no one really eats dinner quite at the same time. Everyone's just in an isolated booth with a plastic fork.

But there I was for years going, we love sushi. It's not that it's that we love that there's no noise in a restaurant. We can't sit in a normal restaurant because it just takes one diner Who's asked for their steak to be cooked well done and I'm like, that's it. That's it. You've ruined my meal So is this like a neurodiversity thing or like like I guess there's people that don't identify as neurodiversity who hate the sound of chewing. I think that anyone can have misophonia. Misophonia, is that what it's called? Do you have it with other people talking as well?

At the same time, like if me and you were talking now and then there was a table next to us where they're talking? I think misophonia, you know when there's a noise that makes you super angry, like uncontrollably angry? That's misophonia. And I think a lot of, I think I would be happy for everyone to say that they have it in some regard with some certain noise. But some people have it worse than others. I can't do nail clippings. When people are clipping nails, just gets me. And if I hear clicking, I have to go, are you clicking a pen or are you cutting your toenails?

I need to know. And if I can hear, I can't, I just can't, I don't know why, it just sets me off. And I think a lot of people find that they struggle with that. It's not the same as when you've been married for 20 years and when your husband chews and you go, I'm gonna kill you, I'm gonna kill you.

That's slightly different. There's a lot more to it than that. With other people talking, I just struggle with focus because my brain doesn't make their voices quieter or drown them out. Your brain is supposed to drown things out. So when you go into a space, if there is a consistent smell or a consistent sound,

like a clock ticking, the normal brain will go, that clock is always ticking, it's always there, we don't need to hear it, and it drowns it out. The same way that if you first walk into someone's house and you go, oh, they got dogs, after a while you get used to the smell. But with misophonia, it doesn't just not adjust, it makes you angry, like uncontrollably angry. That's what misophonia is.

Oh wow. And you all have it with chewing and plate scraping? I have it with plate scraping. My kids did when they were younger, but they seemed to be okay with it. When my daughter moved out, she got normal plates. And I went, what are you doing? She went, oh, it doesn't bother me as much as it used to, but she can't stand chewing. She can't, and so she doesn't often eat with us at all.

She doesn't. And my youngest- Because of the rage. My youngest son has started speaking out about it because, you know, for years he would just sit there and eat and not have it, but now he's gone, oh no, that does bother me. So if I'm near him chewing, he'll be like,

he'll just look at me, he'll just give me a look. He'd be like, if I lean over, like he's doing his homework and I'm eating an apple and I lean over, he'll just look at me like, no, no, you can either eat the apple or you can help me with my homework, but you don't get both, mom. And I'm like, well, thank you very much. It's very generous of you.

Okay, so perfect lunch is a very quiet Japanese meal. Beautiful Japanese meal. I don't do breakfast, so I'm very happy to come straight in after exercise, which again is another female conversation. You're not supposed to exercise fasted as a woman, but I'm like, I enjoy it. So I think we're on to a perfect afternoon then? We are. Really, now what's your perfect afternoon? I am, you know those double beds outside by pools? Oh my God, you've moved another bed. There's so many beds, so many beds in my day, but I genuinely sleep in a single bed

and not just a single bed, like the IKEA single bed, which is the day bed, which is 10 centimeters, even less narrow. Why? Because we live together. We've carved out a space in the house for everyone to have some private space. Right, right, right, right. So you still live with your ex? Yeah. Even though he's got a girlfriend?

Yeah, but he- She doesn't live with you too? No. He goes to her house. Oh, right. So you guys live with you too. No, he goes to her house. Oh, right. So you guys have got separate bedrooms in the house and everything's multifunctional and multipurpose. Yes, indeed.

Well, mine's a day bed. It does pull into a double and I did pull it out for a while. Oh, I think a couple of weeks in the on just like a couple of weeks I just pulled it out and it was oh, it was so nice. It was so nice to be able to like, sleep spread eagle instead of in a coffin. So we are- We're in a bed outside by the pool. We're in a double bed outside the pool.

By the pool. Great. And there was a massive stack of all the books that I had cannot get through. I have so many books where I've read a chapter of each. And then I get a flavor of it. I go, oh, this is a great book. And I want to savor this book. But then another book comes along and I'm going,

I must read that book. Whether it's because of what I'm writing about, whether it's because I'm just interested in it, whether because a friend of mine wrote it, because somebody says, oh, if you wanna add this to your writing, you should read about this person or that person's experience, just huge stack of books. And I just, the constant pressure of work of what I'm trying to achieve,

or depending on which project the books are for, I never get through all of them. Are these, when you're talking about projects, are you talking about, are you still sort of like to achieve or depending on which project the books are for. I never get through all of them. When you're talking about projects, are you talking about, are you still sort of like in the scientific world? Well, kind of. Like I'm doing a radio series for Radio 4, which is a comedy series, but we're looking at the science of anti-aging in the first series. So we're going to go and like try something like a facial or a new thing and then go, but does this actually do what it says it does? So yeah, I basically pitched, I need to go to a spa and experience the spa.

And then afterwards I will tell you whether the spa is worth going to. And they went great, sounds great. You pay me. Fantastic. So you have to do, so presumably you want to do all of your own research for that or like. So there's, I mean that that's a lot of online research, you know, looking at papers and and a lot of, well it worked in rats. So a lot of that, where you're going. So I, we've actually had to go to the next level of research and I've said we have a researcher on the project. She's great. And I did say to her, could you get me some research on how similar humans are to rats at this point? Because all we have is we did

it in rats. How do rats respond to micro needling? Great. But how similar are they? Yeah, I can't say that I've ever sort of like admired the skincare regime of a rat. Of a rat? Well, I can never tell how old they are. So it seems to be working. I've never seen a rat on the street and gone, oh, needs to moisturize. Something's working. So we're in we're in a double bed outside. We're in a double bed outdoors by a pool because I want sun sun sun.

You know how sun warms the bones? I need and it takes me a good week or two to get- To really warm up. To really warm the bones, to really warm up. And so I will be by the bed with a stack of books. But it's, but this is a villa with a pool cause I realized this, don't get me wrong. I love beach, I love nature.

I mean, this villa is gonna be surrounded by nature. There's supposed to be hill views, lots of green. You can smell the oxygen that the plants are giving off, like all of that. I can see the sea. Which country are we in, do you think? I don't care. I don't mind. I love Spain.

I think Spain is wonderful. But anything near the equator where we're getting that heat without that wind, probably where it's hot in the winter so there are fewer insects. So we're chilling by the pool and we're reading. We're reading. We're reading the backlog. You know what we're doing, because in comedy we produce a lot. There's a lot of exporting.

There's a lot of output of the brain. And if you don't refill it, you run out. You gotta fill the well, man. So we're gonna fill it up, filling it up, filling it up. Oh my God, I love this. So it's something that I wrestle with all the time as well. And I just, because I feel like reading is so important. It's such a big part of my job.

And I'm the same, like the pride I feel when I actually finish a book. It's pathetic. Isn't it? It's just such a strange feeling of pride, but also floorness. Cause you're like, oh, now I have to start another one. You know, you just, when you look at the pile. But then I also think like I'm sort of starting to make my, I read quite a lot of non-fiction as well.

Like, I am starting to make my peace with not reading the whole book when it's a non-fiction book. Because I do think you can get away with, like, a couple of chapters, the first two chapters, and you get the general gist. I mean, this is it. A lot of my need to read pile is nonfiction

and there's some great books out there about whether it's about where we're at sociologically or pop science, a lot of that. And I agree with you. That's why I've only read a chapter or two of each because I needed to dip in, get a feel for it. And some of them, I enjoy them so much. I don't want to rush it. Some of them I'm there going, oh, actually,

yeah. And you want to make notes. I want to make notes. You know, you just want to savor it. Sometimes though, I think that you can get away with just reading the title. I genuinely do mean that. Like, okay, example, the body keeps the score. Yep. No, I know exactly what that book's about. Got it, know what you're on about. Got the general gist. I will read it eventually, but I've got the general gist. And also I've heard people talking about it.

What else happens on your perfect afternoon? You're just chilling and reading. Am I allowed to like put a butler in there who just brings me drinks and stuff? Put a butler in there. Yeah, there's a butler. He's got abs. Not that I'm not, but I'm not actively objectifying him because he's at work. That, there's a butler. He's got abs. Not that I'm not, I mean, but I'm not actively objectifying him because he's at work. That would not be fair to him. No, it's a

professional relationship. Are we talking about a butler in the buff? Doesn't have to be. Doesn't have to be in the buff. I just need to know that he looks after himself. Yeah, got it. I mean, maybe he's Japanese. Did he make the lunch? Oh, this is a whole new aspect. I didn't, you know, I'm so... What do you look for in a butler? What does one look for in a butler?? Oh, this is a whole new aspect. I didn't, you know, I'm so- What do you look for in a butler? What does one look for in a butler? This is the list. This is the book that hasn't been written. Ria and Jess, what to look for in a butler.

Well, let's drill down. Do you need personality? Do you need pizzazz? Well, because they do train butler. There are still butler schools out there. There are people that go to butler school. I get what a butler is like when you're sitting by a pool. To me, basically it's someone who's bringing you drinks.

It's a waiter. So what is it? But I mean, I guess a butler is sort of like someone it's like a cross between a PA and a PA that has waiter has waitressing skills. No, I feel like it's different. Cause butlers who go to Butler School are very proud of their training and there's a whole etiquette to it and everything else. So they are not personal assistants.

Personal assistants are the ones that are answering my phone. They're checking my emails. They're posting on socials for me. They are making sure that the only time I'm on my phone is if my kids call. If anything, I probably have a number just for my kids. I don't need my personal assistant to get between me and my kids.

So they're doing all the work stuff. Kids are, you know, mobile phone for the kids by the pool with me. Yeah. So Butler not necessarily in the buff. No, I respect him. We haven't worked out who this person is. You respect him, why?

Can we pick a person? It's Benedict Cumberbatch. Benedict Cumberbatch is my butler. Okay, but actually Benedict Cumberbatch, because don't you think that'll be a little bit awkward? Why? Well, because he's like a talented actor and now he's waiting on you.

Well, now he can act like a butler. He'd be great at it. Okay, okay. No, I think this is the problem. You cannot, this is the problem with hiring people that you may or may not find attractive is that it becomes an inappropriate workplace for them. And I always get stuck at that point in any fantasy

where you just go, oh, wouldn't it be great if there was a guy that just cooked for you and made your bed and ran your shower for you and just went here and I'm taking care of you because you're so amazing and I'm just gonna relieve you of some of the other thinking. And you go, oh, that sounds great. But if he's a butler, I'm paying him. Yeah. And then he can't do that stuff because that's crossing a line. But if you don't pay him,

it becomes like a boyfriend. And then I have to care about his needs too. And I'm not interested in that reciprocity. See where I'm at? See, this is why women look after women best. So maybe you need a female butler. Yeah. But female butler. Yeah, but then she's capable of so much more than just butlering and then that's your chief of staff again. But what if it's like a vocation? To serve me? Yeah, she loves it. You will know this as someone in the public eye

that the moment that someone loves serving you or wants to serve you or indicates in any way in your DMs that they would like to have more from you than is fair or appropriate, that that is not the person that should be your butler because they will kill you in your sleep. But they're being paid. Yeah, but do you know what I mean? Yeah, but you're talking your way out of the perfect day here. Let's just say that the butler comes with the villa.

They come with the villa, they are the chef. They're there, I'm just there relaxing by the pool reading my books and they're gonna be bringing me drinks. Yes. And answering the villa phone, which is where my agent knows to get me if they really need me, right? Okay, great. How about that?

Yeah, and are the calls coming in, the offers coming in? They are. Is that part of the perfect day? But you know what, my agent's so amazing, they know not to disturb me for that day, and they're gonna leave it till the, they're just gonna sort it all out and leave it for the next day. If the butler has taken a message,

what is the message on the phone? Benedict Cumberbatch called. And he wants to become your butler. Anyway, he's coming over, he's been cast as a butler in a film, and he just really needs to do some he needs to go method. So the phone rings a message is left and it's the dream gig. What is it? Oh okay. I'm gonna do that thing that the young people do. I'm gonna manifest.

All right. It works so you might as well. It's a series regular role in Star Trek. Oh my god. Okay so the new Star Trek. There are God. Okay, so the new Star Trek. There are many new Star Treks. There was Discovery. We don't have time to go into the shit show that was Discovery for so many, as a Trekkie. And anyone who's listening as a Trekkie will be like, yeah, I get it.

I thought it was Trekkur. It's both actually. You can be a Trekkur or a Trekkie, but I identify as a Trekkie. And then there's Strange New Worlds. I'm happy to accept another or new sci-fi universe if we wish to create that. I was a massive fan of Stargate back in the day

when that happened, mainly because I was a massive fan of MacGyver because I grew up in the Netherlands and what the Netherlands would do in the early 2000s is they would buy old 70s footage from America and show that. So where everyone else was probably watching, I don't know, Orange County or whatever, or the OC or whatever was on at that time.

I don't even know when things came out. I was watching the A-Team and MacGyver because that's what was on in English on Dutch television after school in the year. So, you know, so I'd come home from school and so I fell madly in love with MacGyver. I was always in love with the lead guy and J.M. Murdoch, Murdoch. And then Murdoch showed up on Star Trek. Boom, very happy. And MacGyver went on to star in Stargate. Oh, really? Yeah. And the

guy who writes MacGyver, who I cannot remember the name of, sorry. Oh, Lee's lot off. Okay. I'm looking at something called the MacGyver Method. Oh! And it's just about basically doing nothing when you need, when you're stuck on something. So he'll go and like have a, he'll just go and take a shower or go and like play basketball or something. It's become known as the MacGyver Method. Well, can I just say I have been MacGyver Methoding my show for Edinburgh this entire three months. Yeah, but I think you sort of have to though. I think that like switching off,

and it sounds like actually your whole perfect day is a bit of a MacGyver. It's totally MacGyver, but you have to let your brain rest. It's crop rotation. I don't know why they taught me crop rotation in school, but they taught me crop rotation and it stuck with me. Yeah, when Glastonbury has a fallow year.

Yes, exactly that. But your brain needs it. Your brain needs crop rotation. You need to like not always ask it to output. And like we said, you need to let it rest. You need to input. But it's difficult if you have the sort of brain that is always going

and can't turn this background noise down, right? Yeah, but that doesn't mean you're creating. No, but it does mean that you're always like, you're always thinking. Right, but that's why if you're always thinking and chewing stuff up, that's why putting books in or putting things in can re top up your creativity. Yeah. Bucket. It's a bucket apparently. It's a bucket.

It's a bucket, you know, and that's the thing is that that's what sometimes why it's so hard to write, especially when there's no pressure. I think pressure also is like, you know when you have a week to go and you're like, oh my gosh, I opened a week, suddenly it all comes out and you go, there it was. And it's been stewing.

I found that with essays. My teacher would give me two weeks to write an English essay. I'd be like, I cannot write this. And then the day before it was due, it would just fall out of my brain. I'd be like, we were thinking about it the whole time. So I think we've come to the end of the day and we're entering perfect night territory, aren't we?

Perfect night. Rhea, what's your perfect night? So we spent the afternoon by the pool. We've been reading. We've been dipping in and out of the pool when we overheat. We're back on the bed. The bed is like clean. It's not covered in sand.

It's not covered in anything. You know, it's not covered in somebody else's stains. This is all very important. And then we get to the evening. Now a perfect evening for me, I get cold really, really easily. And I was in Singapore at the end of September. And in the evening, it's 10 o'clock at night

and I can still go out in a strappy top, like in a sundress. Do you know that kind of, where the air hugs you? So you've lost the clagginess or the humidity of the day, but the air, you're just comfortable outside. Again, it's still. There's none of these breezes that come up at night. It's just stillness.

And the air is like wrapped around you like a shawl. That's what the environment is. It's just beautiful. You might get some crickets. Remember, we're surrounded by these hills. So you've got nighttime nature's coming out, but they're leaving you to you. They're like, we're over here in the bushes and we're fine.

And you're over there in your villa pool. And that's fine. It's so magical, isn't it? When the sun's gone down and yet. And yet you're still. It's still warm. The warmth of nature. So where are we at night?

We've got, we're walking, we're walking around the town near where the villa is. We can go for a walk or we can walk around again in the nature, but it's nature that's curated, curated nature. It's like tamed nature. There's a gardener that attends to the nature, but it's still nature, right?

Loads of gardeners. Can you spot the mom? Spot the mom who just goes, what's in your perfect day? I need staff. Other people doing stuff. Like an army of staff. I just want other people to do the thinking. The chef is thinking about the food

and answering the phone. You know what I mean? It's just, it really is a perfect day is about just giving your brain a break. For me, at least it is. And like you said, you said it's always going on in the background and there's, and that doesn't have to be toxic or pathological,

but it does need to be tended to in its own way. Yeah, of course. So a walk is great. We're building up an appetite. We're gonna eat and get this. Do you know what's for dinner? I do not, Japanese food. I don't know either.

And do you know why? Cause I didn't have to think about it. The food is going to be put in front of me. Yes. And it's going to be well cooked and delicious. And I'll be like, yes. I do often think about, you know, when people go on retreats, because I'm addicted to sugar. I am definitely addicted to sugar. That's my thing. And people go on these retreats where there's no sugar there. It's a yoga retreat, they just eat pure food in the restaurant and I go, and I think, could I handle that because of how addicted to sugar I am? And then I realized, yes, I could.

Why? Because I just eat what's in front of me and it takes so much of the stress of the day away where they just go, this is your breakfast. We've calorie counted it, it is nutritionally balanced. I would happily live without sugar if that was my life. And then is there anything else? Are you just having this lovely meal that someone else has sorted out for you?

Or is it, does anything else happen? And then there are two things I like to do at night after you've eaten. So we come back from the walk, we've come back from the meal at someone else devised and fed me. Either box set, do love like a proper just box set all the way through the night. What are we talking? Are we going? Are we going Star Trek? Only if it's unseen. Yeah, either way, Star Trek or unseen. Well, I've just watched it recently. You don't need to go back.

Right. You don't necessarily need to go back. I mean, there's so much great stuff out there that I haven't watched that I don't have a chance to, but I do like pick me up. I do like feel good stuff. So sci-fi tends to be really Pick Me Up. Comedy's Ted Lasso. I mean, that was popular for a reason, but it was a gene. I think the idea of saying, let's write a Christmas movie in every episode

and call it a series was genius. And that's really what they did. If you watch every episode, you go, this is a Christmas movie. It starts with conflict and it ends with happiness. And it's usually not that way around. You usually start with normal, get some crisis, and then resolution might be happy or sad.

And he just went, no, let's just start with the crisis and then end with the happy happy. And every time you go, oh, I hope they get it. Oh, I hope they win. I hope this. It happened pretty much every time. You just went, let's just give them what they want. For the serotonin.

And it was just like, boom. So the other thing I do like to do is, and this is, I'm torn about whether this is right or whether I'm actually toxically like a workaholic is spend time on my laptop. Is just get my laptop out and just spend time on it. So I would probably box set with my laptop on my lap. And what are you doing on my laptop is just get my laptop out and just spend time on it. So I would probably box set with my laptop on my laptop. And what are you doing on your laptop?

Possibly working like emails? No, nighttime work is the stuff that you can't. So during the day, when we're all around 10 till six, that's where I'm doing emails and getting, you know, calendar stuff done or invoices, that's where I tend to do that kind of work at night is where you go,, now is when I write or now is where I even sort out my drive, that kind of thing. So just doing that kind of digital admin that we never really have time for. Okay. We have one final question, this little bonus question. Rheolina, can you recommend

a piece of perfection this week? Massage. Oh yeah? What kind? I'm going to say this is not what I was raised with. I was raised with Swedish. My mother is huge into massage. She gets one every week.

And then when we were old enough as girls, we would also go and get massages. Like it was part of her childhood. But I would actually say Thai massage. Oh yeah, I love a Thai massage. I have been amazed. I go to one in Covent Garden called Opulence, and they're great. Go see them.

They're on Drury Lane. The women there, when you get a woman who's been trained in Thai massage properly and really understands the body, it's different to Western medicine. It's very different. So Swedish massage, deep tissue massage, is very much based on a Western understanding

of muscle and fascia and bone and soft tissue and how that all links together. And I don't know what Thai massage is based on but they this one woman she squeezed my big toe and went oh you're so stressed on the side of your body and I went how do you know that from a big toe but she was right she was right and actually my big toe my right big toe is stressed. It is, it's stressed. And I, you know, and I realized if I stand straight, if I just stand barefoot, my right toe goes up.

It actually lifts up like this because it is so stressed. It's so tight. There's so much tension just, and you go, how in the world? And it's obviously come all the way down the right side of my body through your sciatica, down the inside of your leg. And so, and this, how in the world? And it's obviously come all the way down the right side of my body, through your sciatica, down the inside of your leg. And so, and this is how it reveals it. And she saw it and she dealt with it.

And I think that their understanding of the body is incredible. The benefits to massage is incredible. It takes 90 minutes. And it's one of the few 90 minutes where I genuinely cannot answer my phone. And I need that. Yeah, I love that.

And they will let you and you're like, and it's the one time that I stop myself. Cause they, if you phone rings, they'll go, oh, do you need to get that? You'll be like, no, no, I do not need to get that. I will not get that. My husband's great uncle is 102 years old. That's incredible. And I asked him how he got there. And he said it's because he gets a massage.

His secret to a long life is a massage every week. Yeah, I mean, my mother does it. If you wanna live to 102. Ria, thank you so much. I cannot believe I didn't get a massage on my perfect day. Go back, the butler gives me massage in the afternoon. Oh my God, I can't believe I didn't notice that. The butler gives me massage. Get the butler, yeah, yeah, yeah. Quick massage before we go out. Okay, it's in.

It's in. I'm so busy reading books. I was enjoying the books, but it's been a lovely day, hasn't it? I feel so refreshed. Really. And ready to write. Really well done for looking after yourself. You've filled the well. You've had some lovely Japanese food. You've had a nice little rest. You've read some books. I've read some books. I've slept well. You've slept well. I've slept well. You've exercised. It's been a gorgeous temperature. No breeze of course. Famously. Not a whiff. It's still... It's been glorious. Thank you Rhea for taking us on your perfect day. Oh, thanks for just giving me the chance to have one.

Thank you so much Rhea. So clever, so insightful, so funny. If I figure out a way to stop all the forms of breeze Rhea, I will let you know. Rhea's heading out on her massive UK tour Rhea Bellion from September all the way to February. So make sure you head to realena.com and get yourself out to see her. That brings us to the end of another week. Thank you so much for listening listeners. Remember, brand new episodes every Thursday. Next week to St Douglas, my outsider pal, Laura Lex coming up and so many more to come. So like, subscribe and follow us on At Perfect Daycast for all your perfect day news. From Yorkshire with love, I'm Jessica Napip, wishing you a perfect day. I'm Max Rushton. I'm David O'Doherty.

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I'm really downplaying it. Like, what did you do yesterday? Like, I'm just a guy just asking a question. But do you think I should go bigger? What did you do yesterday? What did you do yesterday? Every single word this time, I'm going to try and make it like it is the killer word. What did you do yesterday? Like that's too much, isn't it? That is. That's over the top. What did you do yesterday? Available wherever you get your podcasts every Sunday.