Perfect Day with Jessica Knappett - EP 54: Rhys James

Episode Date: July 23, 2025

Comedian Rhys James joins Jess on the podcast this week to share his incredibly funny perfect day.The pair discuss an incident with a dodgy Sri Lankan sherpa, why Dermot O’Leary is the perfect celebrity, why Jess was constantly asked as a teen, ‘Can I have one?’, and why Vinted is intrinsically un-cool. Plus, we find out why Rhys James is called Rhys James. Pre-order Rhys’ brilliant new book, ‘You’ll Like It When You Get There’ at https://rhysjames.co.uk/  And, you can buy tickets to see him on his book tour - https://showandtellpresents.com/events/rhys-james-you-ll-like-it-when-you-get-there-book-tour  Plus, see us live in Edinburgh - https://www.eventbrite.co.uk/e/perfect-day-live-with-jessica-knappett-and-endo1000-featuring-special-guest-tickets-1434649307699  Like and subscribe for brand-new episodes every Thursday. Follow us on Instagram @perfectdaycast. A Keep It Light Media ProductionSales and general enquiries: [e-mail]   Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hello and welcome to Perfect Day. I'm Jessica Knappett. Today I'm talking to comedian and newly published author Rhys James. And his perfect A sees him live both like a retired millionaire and the disgraced comedian Louis CK. Intriguing. We also talk Greg Wallace. Completely coincidentally, no link between the two. We discuss Sri Lankan Sherpas. I obviously, because it's an interview, find a way to talk about myself and my own orthodontics. And we also talk about how to sound like a sad, desperate loser with too much time on your hands.

And Dermot O'Leary comes up a lot. I wasn't expecting to talk about Domet O'Leary today but we did. A lot. And yeah, perhaps most amazingly, I find a way to talk about my moth problem again. So sorry about that but also not sorry it's taking over my life. Anyway enjoy yourselves really just take some time to enjoy yourselves in this one okay? Give yourself a moment to have a bit of your perfect day why don't you? This is Reese James's perfect day. Welcome Rhys and thank you for being here. Thank you for joining us from your tree house.

Yeah. Well, let's go tree house actually. You don't know how far off the ground I am. I have no idea. Let's go tree house. My legs could be dangling down off camera. It's a very wooden lined backdrop behind James. Reese James. Sorry. What did you call me? Greg James. I called you James. You can call me James if you like. Nap it. Um, we'll do that. I'm gonna stag do.

That's fine. Wait. You were saying you listened to Phil Wang's episode. And he lives in a tree. Don't you remember this? I don't know how long ago you recorded that, but he grew up in a tree. He does. He grew up in a tree. And I hadn't made the connection till this point. I should have thought I'll be recording from a place that does look like I'm inside a tree. I bet you didn't predict this, Phil. No. That my house looks like a tree. Where do you live? Which forest? Where do you live? I live in the forest of Dean. I won't tell you exactly which tree because I don't want to dox myself.

But if you search local forests, you'll find it. So how are you, Rhys? What's going on? You've got a book out. What's happening? Tell me what's going on? You've got a book out. What's happening? Tell me, tell me what's going on. Book out to be fair and, um, be fair to me. I've written a book. Um, and now you've got to talk about the book, I suppose.

Have you written, is this your first book? This is number one. Thought you were going to say, how many have you read? Um, and I was going to say not a requirement to write one, it turns out. No, you can just, you can write more than you've read. And that's good. I think, cause you're not, you're not being led, you know, by what you've already seen, but it's not a novel. My book crucially, it is a nonfiction book.

Um, you know, it's, I don't have to describe it. No, you don't. I'm just, I was just making conversation. Okay. Good. Fine. Fine. Fine.

You don't have to do any of that. My perfect day certainly doesn't involve describing the copy from the press release. Do you, did you enjoy, right? Do you think, is this, is this the new way for writing? It was nice to come into this with tree house every day, write it and not go and do a gig and just have that be my job for a bit. That was, I really liked that. And I sort of thought, Oh, maybe the nine to five is a good way. I would like to sort of stop at five and be like, this is great. I've got my whole evening.

Um, and before it would be like, no, I would like try and write all day and then go and do a gig. And then I suddenly dawned on me of like, you convince yourself by being a sort of live standup comedian. I'm out of the rat race. I'm not doing a nine to five, but if you actually work hard and try and write in the day, you're doing like a nine to 11. So you're not like, ah, you lot, you have to go and do a nine to five. It's like, yeah, I'll just do longer. Yeah, no, you just, yeah, you do a day shift and a night shift.

Yeah. But well done. I'm really glad you did. It's much harder for me than say a nurse, for example, because I've got to come up with stuff, you know. Much harder, much harder. They don't understand example because I've got to come up with stuff, you know much harder much harder They don't understand. They've no idea. No, I know how hard it is to write a nonfiction book, you know Trying to scrape together that 14th chapter my god Yeah, so

When we met recently didn't we at a radio thing? Yeah, actually a Phil Wang, Phil Wang's radio show. Is Phil Wang your best friend because he's come up twice now. No, he just is the sort of he feels like the flag in the ground between me and you. He's the sort of totem pole that we gather around it seems because that is right. But thanks so much for coming on the show. It was lovely to meet you when we did that radio thing.

And I'm glad we've got a chance to have another chat. It was nice to meet you and to meet Griffreece Jones together. Yes, no, we come as a pair. It's quite intimidating to meet Griffreece Jones, I think. I don't know if you found that. He was really, really nice in the end, but the idea of him I found very intimidating. Yes, same. I was really scared of meeting him for some reason. And there was just you know my real name is Reese Jones so there

was a lot of chat about that. He's part of the reason I changed it so you know that I'm harboring some resentment. Isn't that so funny and that was the first time you'd ever met him just sitting on a panel talking about the fact that you had to change your name. Yeah and then that being cut. Because you were called Reese Jones. Yes. That's my name. That's my actual name. It's so funny. And I just picked closest. I could have kept it. There was also very inside baseball here, but there was also equity and spotlight reasons for changing it. There was a Reese Jones, an 18 year old actor called Reese

Jones on spotlight, which for listeners is the sort of acting database you are told that you need to be on to be able to get any acting jobs. Yeah, have you seen me do any acting in the last 18 years? So that was worth it. Worth the name change and now there's a footballer with my name. So that's good. Everything goes my way. And also the guy who was called Reese Jones on Spotlight also hasn't been seen anywhere. So it was quite a safe change, wasn't it? Because you could have had anything. I know. I look back and think you really should have gone with something crazy.

Stardust. What were there? Were there some names that you rejected off the list? I really wanted to and everyone said under no circumstances do this. I really want us to be called Reese Reese because you know how and spell them both differently. You know how it's a surname as well. So I was like, Oh, let's just do first name Reese, surname Reese. And everyone was like, that's so stupid. And if it's please welcome Reese Reese, it just sounds like the person's sort of got stutter or something. And you'll be constantly spelling both.

That's true. Having a spelling because you have, you must have to spell your first name. You've got one of those names. I hate having a name that I have to spell. It is a bit annoying, but it's yeah. Also if you go any, if the name Reese, R-H-Y-S, anyone not from the UK has no idea what that is. They don't know what to have to what. Yeah. Raha is they always Raha is or rice or stuff like that. It's what it's like that. Have you ever seen the key and peel sketch? I mean, this is so weird. If you haven't seen the key and peel register, sketch, just type into

YouTube, you're welcome. The funniest. That's what I'm dealing with every day of my life. When I leave the UK in the UK, generally people get it. But you know, I had a South African orthodontist who struggled no matter how many times I told him over the sort of seven years I was going there with my braces. He would call me rise. Uber drivers, Uber drivers don't get it. Just kept calling you rise. Rise. Hello Rise. Everything okay with the brace?

And I was like, well, brace is closer than Rise. You can say it. Did you live in South Africa or did the South African orthodontist- They're welcome here as far as I'm concerned. He was in Hertfordshire. Yeah, he'd come over here. When did you have braces, Reece? Yeah, he'd um, he'd come over. When did you have braces race for my for ages for absolutely ages? Probably 13 to 18. Oh That's not that long. Yeah, but 18

Years, yeah, we didn't do adult braces. No, none of that. It's sort of invisalign nonsense No, no, no, I'm not Niall Horan. None of that I did it as a well also I, also I reluctantly did it as a kid. So for years I was like, no, I like my teeth and they were really big and all over the place, but I was just scared to get braces. That was all it was. And then I got them and then I would just break them every time because I would chew pens and stuff and then flick the things off my teeth and that would slow it down. And eventually he basically just went, look, they're not finished, but I can't be asked anymore. So I'm just going to take them off. And I was buzzing going to take them off. All right.

And I was buzzing because I wanted them to come off. Obviously, of course you do. Did you have braces? Yeah. Well, I had, I had, um, a two centimeter overbite, if you know what that means. That is a big, that's a big, so they corrected my level of overbite. It is cartoon level and they had to, I had to have four centimeter cubes of plastic in my mouth to correct. Oh, I know what you mean. Yeah.

I had that for a bit as well. That thing where you, and it feels so unnatural. People would ask me if they could have one. That was the thing. They'd be like, Oh, can I have one? And I'm like, Oh, I'm not eating the sweet. It's my brain. Oh God.

Oh God. Oh God. That's awful. I had that for years and then, and once my overbite was corrected, I then was told like right now, now we're going to correct like how horrendously overcrowded your teeth are with more braces. And I was like, I just, I can't, I can't have more, but I can't do it again. I'll just let, and I was like I just I can't I can't have more but I can't do it again I'll just let and then so I ended up I did end up

having to have adult braces but I still haven't even finished that process so do you still have a retainer no I've got braces permanently on my bottom teeth at the back. Oh, have you? Permanently? Yeah. As in, but when will that end? I haven't done my carp. It will never end. I will die with them. When my teeth fall out. Wait, so when you are, so actual permanent, eternal braces? Yeah.

But they fucking didn't tell me, they didn't tell me that when they put them in that they were never taking them out again. But that's illegal. You have to say that. Surely. Why would they? I still need to get my top ones done, but I'm like, well, I don't want to. When? Did you notice that they didn't offer you a sort of a follow-up appointment when they put them on because they just thought you're ready to go now till you die?

Yeah, you're ready to go. Yeah, we'll see. Well, we'll see that piece of metal again in the crematorium. So if you die in a plane crash, they're going to find you. They'll obviously get to your dental records eventually. They're going to look and go, this person is 14. There it is. Yeah, there's a 14 year old. Braces. There was a 14 year old on this flight. What a tragedy. Famous place for braces to go, the back of the teeth. That's where they often go, isn't it? I know, isn't it? Anyway, I'm glad you've covered it.

If they've always had the tech to do braces on the back of the teeth, why are they making us look so ugly by putting them on the front of our teeth? Well honestly, I don't actually know. Is that an NHS thing? Why do people even still have to have them on the front? There must be an orthodontic reason. Let's ask your guy. Let's, no, no, cause he, he's a nightmare.

He'll go, oh, rise. Thanks for getting back in touch. I'm not dealing with him again. Or should we crack on? I'm glad we've covered my orthodontic and your orthodontic work. And maybe- Not enough pods to do it.

No, they don't actually. Not a lot, not enough pods. up with a solid 10 minutes on train tracks. Did you ever have the, I'm just sorry, before we move on. No, no, let's not move on. Did you ever have the elastic bands? That was the grossest bit where between two sets of train tracks, you had the elastic bands at the back and every time you opened your mouth, it was like, Oh, no, that was like salivary properly rank that. But they

made it fun, didn't they? Because you could get all different colors, all different colors. Of course. Yeah, they make it really fun. They make it really fun. No, I didn't have those because I know it was just the it it was just the four centimetres of plastic. Just the sweets. Yeah, just the sweets. Just, yeah. Anyway, let's move on from orthodontics and let's find out Rhys James, perfect day. What's your perfect morning?

Oh yeah. So I'm going to wake up and go straight to the dentist, obviously. Um, that's how I start every perfect day. Ideally the dentist is from a country where he can't say my name properly and his fingers are as hairy as the last guy. Um, right. Can I just clarify this podcast? It's sort of, you can break the laws of sort of physics and time a little bit.

Is that right? Yeah, you can. Yeah, you can do whatever the fuck you want. So it's sort of, it's quite fantastical and magical. You're sort of great. You're a genie in some ways. In many ways. Let's not use the word genie.

But let's say you're a. Let's say it's dreamy, but not a dream. You're a wizard. Yeah, yeah, of course you can do whatever you want. When, however you dream. Yeah, of course, you can do whatever you want. However you want. Yeah. Well, I'm gonna stay in my house mainly. No, not really. I so my my book is about it's called a guy. It's called you'll like it when you get there. And like the subheading thing is a life live

reluctantly. And the branding is effectively a guide to life from someone who doesn't want to do anything, but I listened to Joe Thomas's episode of this podcast. No God. So I know, well, I'm going to do some stuff. So the reason is that I feel dread about basically everything in my life. And I try and get out of it all the time. But if this is a magical podcast, then I just want to not feel. I don't feel dread today.

That's how it feels this perfect day. There's no dread. So all the things I'm going to say, I probably wouldn't feel that much dread about anyway, there'd be little moments within them, but let's just say perfect day, no dread anyway, so I can do anything. Do you want to, do you want to talk us through the dread aspect or would you rather just part that, like what, When you say you normally feel dread, do you mean that it's like, is it like a laziness thing? Like you just can't be asked?

It's more like, no, it's more like if I agree to meet a group at a pub, then it's like, great, I'd love to be in the pub having a conversation with this group that's sort of now flowing. But then when it comes to the point of like, right, I've got to leave the house and go to the pub and walk into a pub that they're already at. And then find where their table is and then go up to their table and say, Oh, do you want? Oh, do anyone want to drink and their drinks are all three quarters full. And then they're like, No, and they're in the middle of a

conversation. And I go to the bar and they can see me and I'm just sort of on my own at the bar waiting for ages. And then I go back to the table, sort of try and get in the conversation just go, well, I won't go then. I'm not going then because I've got to do that bit and that bit takes really a minute and isn't embarrassing or awkward at all but the idea of that it just makes me go ah forget it um I do actually is it socialize is it like so is it is it specifically social situations that you that yeah but that yeah, but every gig as well, every live gig as well, I would hope the venue burns down before I have to go.

Oh, really? Yeah, hopefully it's like, oh, so when you when you get asked to do a gig, you're brilliant. Yeah, good. I'll do that. That's a great lineup. I'd love to be on that. And then it comes around to the day when you got to do the gig and then my brain just goes, well, just getting a car crash, I guess, and then you won't have to do it. Just that's just so fascinating. Are you serious? You're talking about every single every single time? No, it's not every single time. No, and it's I've

sort of learned to deal with it. I was I was like this through most of my life, but in recent years, I've sort of figured it out a bit. Oh, I just have to like go over it a bit. I mean, writing the book actually made me get over a bit because I thought you are mental. I was writing it being like, you're a mad man, get over yourself. who cares about any of this stuff? And just speaking to some people who go... But it's incredible to me that you would just, that you would carry on doing it though. Sorry, what were you going to say? You was like...

What? Like actually get, it's incredible that I would go and do anything. Well, that you would carry on doing gigs, even though you just really hope that you die on the way there. But that's why it's you'll like it when you get there because once I'm on it once I'm there it's great. It's I love it but there's the idea of loads of stuff you think I'm not one of the people who thinks yeah this will be great I'll have I'll smash this or you know that I would be great if we go and do that you think oh I've got to go fucking do that and then you do it and it's really fun really brilliant but loads of the idea of stuff is like, oh for fuck's sake.

And there's a few things that I'll mention in this day where I actually feel the opposite about that, where often I'm really optimistic about it and then it's crap. But in this case, it's going to be good because it's a dream day. Okay, so dread is removed on your perfect morning. No dread, please. What are you doing? So I'm waking up really early and I don't do that in my life, but the times I've had to, because I've had to go on something early, like, you know, early morning radio or something like that, it's amazing. It's absolutely amazing when you get up early and you like stand outside, if it's sunny, that is if it's pitch black, it's awful, but if it's sunny and nice weather and you stand outside and it's actually silent in London for

the first time because so occasionally I'll fill in for Ed Gamble on Radio X and sometimes I will line bike in from my house which about half an hour and it's you go past like st. Paul's and stuff and there's no cars or buses or people and it's like 28 days later but But in a good way. So that's my dream. Oh, people. This is a perfect situation. So if it could be like that, but I'm going to wake up early, I'm not tired. And then I step out of my room. And I'm on this balcony in Sri Lanka, that where I had the best breakfast of my life. And it was okay. Yeah. And it was

basically in the cat. It was kind of like this. Actually, it was like a sort of cabin in the mountains. And we just had this balcony and there was only two rooms in this sort of Airbnb type place we're staying in. And this guy called a mantha and his family just made us this breakfast on this balcony overlooking these other mountains. And that's where on breakfast at 5am in Sri Lanka, please. And there was monkeys trying to make the food they're just gonna watch they're not nicking it. But it was stuff

like, it was these like rice flour pancakes that had like cardamom and brown sugar and coconut in and then like papaya and loads of tropical fruits from a cartoon and a fried egg that they made in like a hopper's pan so it was really just the crispiest thing in the world. That's breakfast at 5am Sri Lanka. This is incredible. Were you and also this is a memory, which I like. This is a genuine memory. Yeah, this is a Yes, we're time traveling. The bedroom wasn't great. So I'm going to switch that that's going to now be five star hotel bedroom. And it was like too hot and they didn't have aircon and all that sort

of stuff. Bathroom was too small. So that's just a brilliant bedroom. Brilliant bedroom, please. Brilliant bedroom and then magical breakfast. And who were you with when you went to Sri Lanka? I was with my girlfriend. She can be there in this if she likes. Just for the breakfast. She can be there for the breakfast. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's going to get a bit laddy. It's going to get a bit laddy this day. Is it? She's going to be there for the breakfast. Yeah. And were you on holiday or Or was it a traveling thing? It wasn't a work thing, presumably. It wasn't work. No, I was on holiday. And holiday in Sri Lanka.

It was fantastic. Yeah. I mean, the next day, what happened is we, we did that one morning. And actually, we did it afterwards. So we did this thing, we got up at like 4am to climb this mountain when we went to Sri Lanka, when we were in that cabin specifically. And we'd got like a Sherpa who was going to show us how to get to the top of the Ella Rock and then in time for the sunrise. But the Sherpa was a fucking idiot. And he didn't know where to go. He got us lost three times, ended up knocking on some doors of like cabins at the bottom of the mountains to ask other people to random people to show him to the

top of the mountain. And then that guy got lost and asked an old man and so then it was just like a conga line of five of us just following this old man with a walking stick to the top of this big hill and not in time for sunrise. You don't think you can get dodgy Sherpas do you? It's not something you would think. He was a scammer. He was an absolute grifter. He had to pay the other guys. He got cash out of an Avengers backpack and paid these guys. And also he could only say three words in English and they were slowly walking, madam. No, that's amazing. He would come and just turn around to us and go slowly walking, madam. Were you a bit scared?

Yes. Once you realised, like at what moment did you realize he was lost? So there was this, there was like quite a steep bit of hill that you had to get up and then it got a bit flatter for a while and at the top of that, there was a pathway that was literally a trail, like a mountain trail going left. But every, we got to the top of it and he was like,

no, no, no, it's this way. It was like gesturing right. And we walked right. And it kind of just took you back down through like stinging nettles and brambles and stuff like that, to the bottom of the hill. And we kept he kept every time we got to the sign that said welcome to Ella Rock, he would point out like see Ella Rock and it's like, we've been past this sign four times. And

then I would always we get to that top of the hill and I'd be like, no, this left trail trail. And he would just go slowly walking, madam and walk off in the other direction. And then eventually when the old man showed us we get to that top of the hill and I'd be like no this left trail trail and he would just go slowly walking madam and walk off in the other direction and then eventually when the old man showed us we got to that exact point and he just was like well obviously it's up here and then we walked up there and I was like I fucking don't done it on my own yeah and and when we got to the top and there was lots of people there and none of them had shepherds they were all just there it was really easy to find it just follow the signs just follow the signs just go up crucially you trying to get to the top of something. Up, I reckon. He kept choosing down.

So yeah, we did think, let's just, this is scary. It's pitch black as well. And I now realize, of course, doing a hike is not at all fun in pitch black because there's nothing to see. You're just looking at your feet and you're just shining a torch on your own feet to make sure you don't trip obviously if i was doing it in the day you're going through like tea fields and there's like paddy fields all there and it's like there's all flowers and wildlife and it's really impressive but if you're trying to do it in time for sunrise it's just it's like doing a hot air balloon ride in the dark what's the point and you didn't so did you miss it and then in the end you didn't, so did you miss it? And then in the end, you didn't even see the sunrise at the top of the mountain.

We got there like kind of five minutes after it had started and it was a really cloudy day anyway, so it was crap. And also when we got to the top, just as we were walking to this bit of the rock that everyone was sat on to look at it, some guy just appeared from nowhere on the rim, that's a tenner. It's a tenner to go over there. And I was like, it's the sky. You can't charge me to look at the sky, mate. And he was like, well, I can. And I did pay him. Oh my god okay so that's so not this bit. Not that bit. So breakfast is finished we're not getting we're not getting absolutely shocked. What happened we then returned at probably 8am and they'd laid on this breakfast for us and then it was quite fun because we just

sort of like me and my girlfriend just sort of talked about that experience quite a lot. I just really now we were sort of safe and we'd done it just really laughed at what a mad morning we'd had and how also that had been the thing I've been looking forward to on the trip the most is like, let's do this sunrise hike and see this. It wouldn't be amazing. And it's not very in character for me to want to do that. And it just sort of proved why I don't do things. It was like they go wrong, don't do things. And so it's quite fun to sort of be able to reminisce immediately and say, and just do impressions of that man. Yeah. So that I want that. That's the start. Great. Lovely. Okay. And then what, and then what, where's next? What's next? Well,

on the balcony, I'm doing the Minute Cryptic. Do you know Minute Cryptic? Oh, is that New York Times? It's actually its own thing. And it's one cryptic crossword clue a day. Just one clue. And a really nice Australian man with long flowing ginger hair sort of explains them to you afterwards if you don't if you didn't get it. Does it all fit together at the end of the week or something? Oh, that's a good idea. Oh, it doesn't, no, it doesn't lead to anything. It's just, it lives and dies in the moment. Oh, okay. Yeah.

I haven't, I haven't, I, I started to have cryptics explained to me by my brother and I sort of was getting into it and I just never saw it through. Cause I think you have to have a guide. Yeah. Well, who taught you you this Australian man did so he would just constantly come up on my for you page and he yeah and I didn't know how to do he just so softly spoken that I'd just be like sort of mesmerized by him. And he would just always be okay today's clue folks it's and then he would just say like, I think today's one was something about it was actually about semen. Today's clue was, it was like spend time with odd semen or something like that. And it was Admiral was the

answer. I can't remember. It would be more than that. Obviously, I thought you meant the other same. Yeah, of course. So did I. That's what I was guessing for ages. Seven letters. Oh, sperm doesn't have that many, put a few more E's in there. But it's because he would cut, I didn't know how to do cryptic crosswords. This guy would come up on my Instagram

and I would just watch him explain how to get a clue right. And I just learned how to do them from watching him. And then I would just do his minute cryptics every day. Oh, that's nice. You see, from doing this, it does come up a fair bit. And from doing this, because I knew, obviously knew about Wordle, everybody knew about Wordle, knew about spelling B. And then a couple of people mentioned about the other puzzles on the New York Times puzzle app. And now it's my new, this is why I love this podcast so much, because now it's my new routine to do all the puzzles on the, the New York Times

puzzle app. Interesting. So I'm, I'm off the loop with that. That's too many. Strands. Nah, fuck all of that. It's too much. No, it is a lot, but it's better than doing something shite on your phone. But you're doing a cryptic. But I'm just doing one. So it's like, it's one thing and I don't do any other crosswords except on the weekend because I'm 150 years old. What do you allow yourself to do at the

weekend? The Guardian has a full quick cryptic and I do that. It's only on Saturdays and I do that. I do that on Saturday or Sunday depending on availability. Nice. Yeah, I do as I speak, I realise. Actually, lots of the things I'm going to say, I sort of, yeah, sort of the behaviour of a retiree. It's good though, isn't it? Because it's something to look forward to. You just know that it's all going to... You need a bit of routine. It's actually all just going to stay the same as you get older. You're just like plateauing that from here on in.

There'll be something more technological work there. I don't do word. I got bored of word or quite quick. Did you I don't I think it's just anything that I know that everyone's doing and then I don't know. I think i'm too competitive. So I contrary. Oh, right. Yeah. Yeah So we're doing the um one what's the guy called? Do you know his name the australian the ginger australian guy Oh, that's so bad. I don't know his name. I'm gonna guess it's sam I'm gonna take a look at sam Is the sort of person who'd be able to pronounce your name?

Maybe actually, he thought I followed him and he followed me back. So really, maybe he's watched a video of me saying it or something. I don't know. I say my name a lot in my stand up. So, you know. So, OK, so so you're doing the one cryptic clue a day. And I want to get it right, but it needs to be challenging. I don't want to have, you can get clues and I don't want to get any clues. I want to really think about it.

And I want the satisfying moment of working it out slowly and then absolutely being buzzing about it. Is it important for you to feel clever? Yes. I have to have a sense of achievement every 10 minutes. I have to feel like I've achieved something. What is, what in your life, do you get that from, from standup? Do you feel like, is it important to you that your standup is clever as well as funny?

Um, man, my instinctive answer was the, was the, maybe the worst thing anyone would ever have said. Please say it! It's not ever have said. Please say it. It's not important to me. It just happens. I just am really clever, Jessica. So it just kind of is. It just naturally, if I am myself, no, no, please delete, delete. No, it's happened now.

It's just, you've said it now. It's not important. It's not important that it's clever because I think audiences don't care about that. So I don't care if they don't care. But it's really satisfying when something's funny and it's like, whoa, I never, how's he done that bit of twisted logic? I never would have thought of that. And it's not just, obviously it's much more fun to watch someone be just like really funny about something silly. That's more fun, watch someone be just like really funny about something silly

That's more fun, but I'm not that person. I'm not capable of this So I can't do it So I have to do all right of put loads of thought into this and actually if it all comes back around that it all Makes sense and it all feels like that. That's all I'm capable of so yeah, it's not important to me, but I don't have anything else Yeah, it's not important to me, but I don't have anything else Naturally, okay, so cryptic done and then what's next right? Well, I'm back in England okay, and I'm on a line bike and Yeah, I'm listening to it. The streets are empty because it's so early still and

I'm going I'm getting home trying to get home quickly. And I'm listening to something. You have a euphoric moment of riding a line bike while listening to something and it's 25 degrees. There's nothing better than this. Ideally, you've had two pints, but not at this stage. I've just had some papaya. But I'm listening to maybe like, favorite by Fontaine's DC, which is like I don't even really like Fontaine's DC. I just like that song. Or maybe like Chapel Rowan or something like that. That's just gonna just feels great as the sort of bit of breeze just going around on a line bike.

The line bike is ideally quite clean compared to the normal line bikes. There's nothing weird in the basket. For those of us that don't know what a line bike is, it's the electric bikes that are available in London, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You do a little QR code and then it's like a Boris bike, but it's got a little bit more in it to help you get up a hill. A little bit of electrics in it so you can get up hills.

Nice. It makes your life easy. No frills, delivers. Get groceries delivered to your door from No Frills with PC Express. So you're line biking around with some tunes in the ears. Where are you going? A couple of tunes. Getting home because I've got to get my golf bag because I'm playing golf. God, you are a 70 year old man.

I'm a retired millionaire in this. Um, and he's there's a real atmosphere. There's a WhatsApp group with who's playing golf today. And there's a real sense of excitement because we're doing a little competition. So a trophy has been made. Um, really what's your golfing WhatsApp group called? there's a real sense of excitement because we're doing a little competition. So a trophy has been made. Really? What's your golfing WhatsApp group called? Interesting question.

Maybe bogey boys? Call it bogey boys? I was asking. I don't have a real one. You don't have a real one. No, no, no. You've not got some golfing buddies. I have, but they're all sort of individuals.

It's not obvious. We can play together. This is where we find out that you don't got some golfing buddies. I have but they're all sort of individuals. It's not obvious. We can play together. We find out that you don't even play golf. Never heard of it. Yeah, never. It looks good. But I think in this I yeah, no, I don't play that much. I'm not very good. I'm like really new to it. And so that is an example of something that I massively don't dread and I look forward to loads. But every time I do it, I get so angry because I'm so crap at it. So I'm like trying to snap my club and I'm chucking stuff and

I'm just like, why do this to yourself? But then it ends and you go, well, there's no better way to spend five hours. Even though I'm so angry for that five hours. But in this I'm good. I want to be good on this day. I want to have a really, I want to have a really good day. I want to win, but only just maybe with the last stroke of the game. So it's close. Yeah. Okay. And ideally, so I press a, you play in groups of four when you play golf.

And so I want two groups of four. So there's eight of us in this competition. I want this to seven of them to be me and my friends and family. So my dad and brother can play my friend, Mark Lloyd, Tom Rosenthal and two others who wants to play. And on the way when we get to the golf club, we meet a celebrity. We meet someone who's a big celebrity and they're looking for someone to play with and we say get involved in ours. No way. Who is it? Why is Dermot O'Leary?

What? Dermot O'Leary is at the clubhouse, he's having a coffee and he's thinking I wish I had someone to play with and by the way everyone gets on with him, it's absolutely fantastic. Everyone gets on with him. Of course there's Dermot O'Leary. Everyone knows Dermot, everyone gets on with him. He's friendly, he's warm. He just cracks on actually, doesn't he? Exactly. And I think no one- He fits in with everyone. That's true charisma. No one's starstruck though. I don't want anyone to be like, oh Dermot, look at him, look at him. No, but he'd put you at ease. Everyone's at ease because it's Dermot. Everyone's at ease big time. He joins in with the golf. Talk to me about the Dermot Mancresh. Have you met him?

Never met him. Nearly did my book dedication to him. Really? When you do the dedication. The first draft of it was for Dermot O'Leary. Never met the guy, but it seems like a good bloke. Can you date this back to a particular, like what aspect of Dermot's canon are you most excited? I've been there for the whole thing. I've been there since Big Brother stuff.

Yeah. Yeah. That's where it all began for me too. Fantastic. Absolutely fantastic host. Just really makes you feel calm. Looks great. He's in fantastic shape.

Got to say that. He is, isn't he? He wears those T-shirts on his Radio 2 show. Yeah. Yeah. He looks great. He hasn't is, isn't he? He wears those T-shirts on his Radio 2 show. Yeah, yeah. He looks great. He hasn't aged really, has he? No, and he just seems so sound.

I just think he seems like such a sound guy, would love to play golf with him, and would love to play brilliant golf with him. Also, I feel like parents would be really impressed. It would be like something that they dine out on forever. That you'd met Dermot earlier, that you'd played golf with him. It's a really pleasing thing for people to tell other people about their son, don't you think? Yeah, and actually maybe there's like a group photo at the end, but it's not like a Dermot can we all get a picture? It's like, we've got to get a picture of our golf day. So it's just normal. He's just it. He's

just part of it. Dermot's probably asked for the photo. He's asked for it actually. And he's not doing that thing where the celeb does the point at the non celeb. You know what I mean? In the selfies where they're like, this guy, he's not doing he's not doing that. No one's doing that. Yeah, we're just in golf pose mode. Do you what pose do you do? Do you have a pose when people, when people have their photos

taken with you? A general one. No, I'm, you know what I do? I'm hands behind the back. I will not touch you. Really? Yeah. And I don't want the hover hand thing. I don't want the hover hand thing either. You know what I'm talking about? Yeah, I just it's so about so I'm just full hands behind the back Don't mind you can put an arm around me if you want don't care, but I'm hands behind the back And yeah, I don't know why something the Liam Gallagher I'm fully Liam Gallagher in it actually and I've got my sunglasses on and I put my hair down and I'm really like Look putting my chest out in my big coat. I think it's just one of the hardest. I do tend to do an arm around the shoulder. I mean, but just like I actually any photo, whether it's sort of like with someone or not, I just,

I'm really struggling at the moment. I'm really struggling to find my, like, I don't think I ever really found it. Like it, there's an ironic peace sign going on. There is the ironic peace sign. It becomes not ironic. I look back and I think, does anyone? Yeah, exactly. Does anyone know that was ironic? Yeah. What I think this is you're talking to the right guy. I mean, look, I dread walking into a pub to see people I really like. Imagine how I feel taking a picture with anyone of anything. It's the same with like, I think I decided years ago, I don't know if I still do this, but years ago, I was like, right, pick what my greeting is, don't be led by like, Oh, are we hugging? Are we shaking hands? What are we

doing? It's like, no, if I pick, and then everyone must march to the beat of my drum greeting wise. So if I'm like, I do fist bumps. So if ever I'm approaching, I'm already ready. No, no, no, this is hypothetical. Oh, right. I was going to say, you should pick, you're not the right person to pick a fist bump. I don't want to fist bump you. I do the hacker when I meet people, um, just to psych them out. That's just what I do. Okay.

And you're afraid you're going to have to put up with it. What is your greeting? What have you committed to? I did, I did this for a while. I think for a while I was like, I'm a hand out and I'm not... if someone goes, no, come on, let's have a hug. I'm going, no. No. But then I realised that ruins it. That ruins the vibe quite quickly. You do just have to kind of... if someone really wants a hug, you have to have a hug, kind of. It's really difficult though, isn't it?

It's Rick because I do I do tend to go in for a hug But I really am aware now I'm acutely aware that people really don't like there are a lot of people who really don't want to touch your body Just don't want to touch bodies and I'm making them touch my body. The thing I don't like is when it's like, when it's really hot and I just don't like the conversation about the hug. It's not the hug. I actually probably do hug more than anything else, but it's when it's really hot out and then you've someone you know really well, so you'd always hug them.

Then you go over the hug and they're like, oh, I sweaty and I really shut up I shut up or or when it's like sorry I've had a cold it's not to be honest it's not a great greeting if you hug someone and then tell them to shut up and I do it preemptively as well as often they haven't even said anything shut up as you go I think that to me about how hot you are. Don't hug me and shut up. Maybe what I should do is get, so that they can't say, announce that they feel sweaty and smelly,

I should just tell them they are. So I should go in and go, let's have a hug. You're sweaty, let's have a hug. And then make them feel like so seen. Then maybe that's a power thing. I'd get some real power. What I am pleased about is, and you probably won't have experienced this, but I am pleased

as a woman that the kissing has stopped. Yeah, yeah. Because genuinely, I used to go into meetings and like shake, you'd shake people's, all the men would shake each other's hands and then they'd get to me and feel like they had to give me a kiss on the cheek and I'd be like this is I don't want to but I can't I know that you think that's the right thing to do as a greeting. I'm glad that stopped. And the sort of um and it's like the two kisses both cheeks. Well it depends who it is, to be honest. Right.

Here we go. Suddenly Dermot's back on the scene, is he? Dermot! A third? Perhaps Dermot? Dermot's on three. Greg Wallace probably none, but Dermot's up to three. Yeah, Greg Wallace has got his own rules, hasn't he? Oh, poor old neurodiverse Greg Wallace.

Nobody understood him. Nobody understood him. Absolutely ludicrous. Absolutely ludicrous. Have you been on that program? Well, which one? Watch, watch not. MasterChef?

Oh, right. It's a crime watch. Um, yeah, no, I haven't. I have done the weakest link with Greg Wallace though. Oh yeah. And? Well, I haven't. I have done the weakest link with Greg Wallace, though. Oh, yeah. And? Well, say no more. I mean, I witnessed nothing. I witnessed nothing. He shook my hand. That's all that happened. He shook my hand. And then I shared a taxi with him to the airport. After the record.

All right, but nothing. He didn't you didn't witness anything. He didn't try it on. I thought we were going to get an exclusive. He didn't try it on. He showed me a picture of his wife on his phone. Okay. It wasn't quite partridge way. He did sort of go, he was quite back of the net. Oh no. Yeah. Did he, did he say something along the lines of she takes good care of herself?

Which is always a euphemism for my wife's quite fit. He did kiss the phone twice on either cheek. So that was weird. Okay, let's get back to it. So we've played golf, presumably you've taken up most of your perfect day by playing golf. Well, let's say it takes four hours. We play in the morning. There's a halfway house at golf courses on the ninth hole, which is kind of a little cabin that looks like this and they sell sausage rolls and drinks, sometimes beers, coffees and stuff like that. And I on that hole, I'm going in there, I'm getting a sausage roll and I'm probably having a beer and a little break. And then we're playing, oh, and crucially, it's really close in this golf match between, let's say all of us. Not Dermot,

because I think people would want him to win too much, but I'm having a blinder I'm playing pretty well, but I, I am very mentally weak. So I often will crumble under any kind of pressure in any situation. But on this day, I'm momentarily distracted because on whole 15 of 18, they get a phone call. I've had a series commission. Oh, they've commissioned the series six parts, half an hour. Oh my God.

Scripted, non-scripted, travelogue perhaps? Scripted, it's me and Greg, and he's playing my dad. No, it's a scripted series, it's a sitcom. They don't even, we don't even know what it is yet. They've said you can make whatever you want. Whatever you want. We want six part series. Here's the money and it's loads and it's loads by the way. Yeah, yeah. And also while I've got you on the phone. You've sold a million books. Yeah, yeah. Million books have sold and you got a series. Congrats.

Good luck with the next three holes before you know it. The pots are rolling in because the pressure is off. If you did, so would it be a comedy? If you, if this was real, what's the, what's the dream? Reese James, what do you, do you work on a lot of scripted stuff, pilots and whatnot? Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're always, you're always sending out the flagpole. work on a lot of scripted stuff, pilots and whatnot. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're always sending out the flagpole, aren't you?

You're always hustling. Not enough commissioners are saluting at this stage. But you're seeing what you can get away. Ideally, it'll be a feature film, actually, but let's say, you know, baby, let's be realistic. Six-part series for a million pounds an episode. Leading to, we'll do the film of it later on. Oh, nice.

We'll use it to sort of build my reputation a bit in the narrative space, and then we'll get the feature film down the line. When a bit more mature, and I can direct it as well then. Don't need the film commission just yet. Let's take it slow, shall we? Six parts.

Is there another show that's been on TV, or is on TV now that you think, I would have liked to have written, I wish I'd written that, or I wish I was in that or both. Oh yeah, loads of tons. Which is the one that you like? Well, the one. Or just a little. Well, there is one, but it's quite, but the person, the person's canceled.

It's MasterChef. No, there is, there is one, but it's just in the, it just stylistically, there is one, which is, does just feel like this person was given the absolute keys to the city and told you can make anything. And therefore they just tell sort of individual stories in this. Some of them are four episodes long, the stories, some of them are 10 minutes long, and they clearly can do whatever they want. That is the TV show, Louis by Louis CK. Now, don't approve of anything else.

I feel so, I feel exactly the same about this. About that show? Yes. It is like the perfect example of, Oh, you have to- It's so upsetting. You have to be the most famous and popular person in the world to get that show. And you have to say, I don't want to make a show. And they go, oh please you can make anything you want. If you're at any point saying, oh can I make a show?

Then you've got no chance of making what he's made there because they would just go, well yeah, but could it be like this? But he has just managed to just get this like they didn't even look until the final edits. And then they just went, yeah, cool. It's on it. If I could get that, if you could get that sort of freedom to just do anything, that'd be wouldn't that be fantastic? That's the dream. Yeah. That's what I'd go via. Lucky Louie though, didn't he? Which was quite. So he learned his lesson. He learned his lesson. That was a stereotypical sitcom that was like, that was a studio sitcom, wasn't it? With like, laugh track and stuff. Yeah, yeah. And that was like, typical family, schlubby guy, annoyed wife. Yeah. And then he went down, and then with Louis, we're talking about Louis CK, the comedian here. He went down the Woody Allen route, artistically. Well, okay.

We can see some influence. Yeah. There was definitely some influence in many ways. No, I mean, the thing is, yeah, he's, it's a really tricky one, that isn't it? Cause he has been canceled, although he still seems to be working and performing. So he's at large. He is at large. He is at large.

Unfortunately. But it is, that one is a really tricky one, because that that show is a masterpiece. And it's just my example of the sort of level of freedom. I don't think I've ever seen anywhere else. Yeah, yeah. No, but for the sake of the tape, the thick of it. Love the thick of it. Yeah, well, it is fantastic. We love to read that. Show. of It. Yeah, well it is fantastic. We'd love to have written that. Incredible show. Incredible show. Yeah.

Great. Great examples. Okay. So you've written, um, the new, The Thick of It or Louis. Haven't written it. Just adding commission. It's you, it's, so just to be clear, it's your perfect day and you're the new Louis CK. Yeah.

I'm the new Louis CK. So I think we're in, we're in perfect afternoon here, aren't we? We're in perfect afternoon. Yeah, so after the golf, a couple of pints, obviously, at the golf club, Dermot's still there and he's sharing anecdotes. He's on top, form. But so we all are. So it just seems like one of us, you know, it's not like we're all gathered around the fire listening to Dermot's tales of X Factor hosting. We're all we've all got tales of X Factor

hosting effectively. A couple of points there. Back home, get home, like quit, I don't want any hassle. We're all like, see you later back home Some clothes have been delivered and they all look absolutely fantastic the I've got some new outfits and it just everything fits perfectly Everything and you know, it's just it's it's it's I'm not reinventing the wheel stylistically But it's just yet. Perfect new, got something to be excited about.

And I'm off to the pub. And is this something that happens to you frequently? Are you? Are you a shopaholic, Chris? Do you know? It's hard to argue that I'm not a shopaholic. I think I am a shopaholic. I think I am a shopaholic and when I was a teenage boy on family holidays, I read the shopaholic series, religiously. Did you really? Do you know the shopaholic series of books that I'm referring to? Yes, I do. I can't remember the name of the author though, but yes, I do.

I'm probably the only 15-year-old boy absolutely sessioning those books. So I'm a shopaholicaholic as well, but I am a shopaholic. I like to buy clothes. And so some fantastic shirts and stuff have arrived, lovely trousers, pleated trousers, shorts and whatnot. And I put the clothes on, I'm feeling good. I'm looking ream and I'm off to the pub beer garden. The fashions, the fashions are on.

the pub, beer garden. The fashions, the fashions are on. Would your dream be to be on the front row of one of those catwalk shows at Paris Fashion Week? Absolutely not. No, because the worst possible scenario, I think, when you've got a new item of clothing is that someone says, is that new? Because it looks like you've an exhibition of effort of like, oh, have you tried to buy something new so you could look nice? That no, no, no, no. And I would always lie. I can never hide my exhibitions of effort though. I just, I think I just have to accept that I just always look like I'm trying too hard. Would you turn up somewhere and be like, this is new?

What do you think of this? It's new. I think women do that a lot. Yeah, I think women do that a lot. Yeah. I think women, women call out their, their new purchases to each other. If someone says to me, is that new? I will always say, nah, I've had it. No, I just never wear it. This is why I'm quite enjoying vinted for that reason.

It's less embarrassing to be like, oh, I just found it on vinted. Yeah. But that's weird because everyone knows what that means. You trawled for much longer to find it on vintage because it's really hard to find the right thing. So it's more effort. So are you saying that in my efforts to sound cool I've actually sounded like a sad, desperate loser

who's got too much time on their hands? Oh, I just found that with a metal detector on the beach. What are this? Didn't buy it new. I just, no, I excavated for about three years and then it popped up, didn't it? But that's why it looks so good. Yeah. What about that? No, I haven't tried. Yeah. Well, you're an archaeologist for clothes. Yeah, no, that is true. And also it's been very damaging in terms of the moth problem we've brought, the moth infestation we've brought into the house. Oh wait, did you bring, have you brought moths in with vintage deliveries? Yeah. In trying...

You've had moths delivered? Yeah, we've had moths delivered. In trying so hard to protect the environment and not buy landfill clothes. I've now bought so many clothes from vintage that that have been moth infested that I'm just having to throw nearly all of my clothes out. Yeah, and now you're gonna have to buy new clothes. So it's had the opposite effect. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Right. Well, Jess, actually, if I'm going to wear new clothes on this day, dream world on a perfect day, no one's making me feel guilty with phrases like landfill

clothes. Okay. Yes. So if I'm turning up at the pub, people are just saying. It backfires anyway. Yeah. Okay. So you're looking, ream, your word, not mine. And we are.

I only came up with, I invented the word ream. We are. Yes you did. Yeah. Joey stole it from me, but we're at the pub. We're in a pub beer garden, I suppose somewhere in East London Don't really not fast about which pub really and people are turning up. We're talking My girlfriend's back in the mix. Lolly had a phopies there Adam Hess is there You know these people have all sort of mingled and then I want sort of them and sort of like family members

But like friends of friends just people are in town I suddenly knock it up as long as the atmosphere stays excellent and no dweebs except me. No dweebs. It's cool guys only basically. And then just food will appear and it's like pinchos. Oh yeah, yeah, Spanish napas but on sticks. Yes like stick based posh fancy pinchos. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's sort of like your chicken satay, but it's Spanish flavoured. Spanish flavoured satay. Yeah, I went to, I was in Bilbao and I got some pinchos and it was like, I associate pinchos with being basically a really small ham and cheese roll.

That's what like, yeah, it's like really crusty bread. But actually these were all like really fancy things where it'd be like it's a little piece of toast but then it had like Just mad flavors and all sorts of stuff going on I could I literally don't even have the language for it, but it was like rich and Exciting and they're all just turn it up on the table Yeah, and I've no one's even ordered. They just gonna got to give us give us four of everything. And they're all just there. I love that. I hate ordering. Yeah, let's not think about any of that stuff. I'm not worried about that. Keep it

coming. And then we sort of realize as it just starts to get dark and the evening draws in, if you don't mind my saying it, we realize, hang on this sort of no one in this pub that we don't know. And then all the people who aren't going to be involved in the plans I'm about to saying it, we realized, hang on, there's sort of no one in this pub that we don't know. And then all the people who aren't going to be involved in the plans I'm about to refer to are just slowly leaving and there's no goodbyes and they're just sort of going and making space. And then other people I know are turning up and they're wearing black tie. And with them are arriving some croupiers with some poker tables. tables. And we're all about to play poker. And I'm now wearing black tie as well. Black tie poker. Are we still in a pub or is it sort of morphing into a quite snazzy James Bond...

Yeah, morphing into a cocktail bar. Yeah. And we've got waiters, they're coming around with cocktails. Oh, God, this is great. I feel I'm so excited for this. So are you a big you a big poker player? Not massively, but I played loads in the pandemic with lots of comedians. And then we now have it as like an our annual, it's almost like our Christmas party. We and we do it, we often do it black tie, and we'll often hire like a cocktail bar and get some like actual dealers and tables. And it will be like there's like 20 of us, and we'll

go and play poker on two tables. And it's a tournament and it whittles down. And I would, I don't win this, I don't want to win this because people don't like it when I win. Why? I'm quite smug. So people, people find it annoying when good things happen to me. And it's fair enough, because I'm quite smug. So people, people find it annoying when good things happen to me. And it's fair enough because I'm not a dignified winner. So it's completely fair. So it's sort of like, what is like a victory dance in your face, motherfucker kind of what it would be worse than that. It would be a sort of like, it's almost like a sort of silent lean back with a look on my

face that people are just like you know smarmy isn't it it's just punchable. What is everyone putting in to win? Is that like what's the prize? When we normally play everyone every time you buy in so you can get knocked out and buy back in for like a certain amount of time but every time you buy in it's 10 pounds and so if you're really drunk and you buy in lots of times, it can cost you quite a lot, but if you're like really good at poker, it can cost you just 10 pounds. And then it's just, I think first place and second place gets some money. So, yes.

So first place gets more, obviously second place gets a bit dream world. I guess I come second so that I don't win and get the trophy, but I still get a little bit back. Yeah. So everyone's happy that I haven't won but so I don't get to do the smug face but I go okay well fair enough and then we're celebrating. Let's say why not Dermot's joined us for this bit. Dermot's back. God is upset. He's got home and got changed. He's come. He's black tie. He will look fantastic in black tie by the way. He's gonna look great. He will look fantastic in black tie, by the way. He's going to look great. I bet he's very good at poker. Do you think? Yeah, he's just quietly. Can you think of anything that you think Dermot O'Leary wouldn't be very good at? Because I can't. He's good at everything. What can he possibly be bad at?

He's good at everything. What can he possibly be bad at? God, you're absolutely right. I mean, I bet he can do all of the domestic jobs. He's fine. He'll load a dishwasher, he'll wash up, he'll put some laundry on, he's all right with that. He doesn't mind. It's not his favorite thing, but he'll do it.

He knows that he should do it. So he's not gonna burden anyone else with it by being lazy. I'd hand him a baby for a start. I'd hand him a baby in a heartbeat. Easily change a nappy. That's not difficult for him. He'd put a baby to be put a baby down. Is he what can't a Larry do?

I just can't think of anything. I don't know if he's a gardener. No, interesting. Okay. I can't see him digging up the... I can't see him digging, but he would probably give it a good go. I think he'd have fantastic bedside manner. Oh yeah.

He'd be great. He'd put you at ease as a doctor, wouldn't he? Yeah. Yeah. I'd take a diagnosis of Dermot O'Leary. I would. I'd take an injection, whatever it was. Yeah. Exactly. He'd be a good therapist. He'd be a brilliant therapist. He'd be and he'd be a good patient as well. This is the bad thing about him. He can do it all. You think he can't garden but I bet he can. I bet if ground force came back, he'd be in the running. I think you're absolutely right there actually. I'd, God, it's amazing to have that level

of versatility. I've not really thought about, obviously I've never been forced to really sit and think about Dermot as much as you've made me think today. Yeah, well, he deserves it. I'm trying to think. I mean, I was imagining him in a supermarket, just like at the checkout, he'd be fine doing that stacking shelves. The thing is you get the impression, don't you, that he's just happy wherever you put him. Yeah, I think he's just a charming guy. So yeah, he can just do it all.

Imagine that. I know. Imagine that. And any someone people would want to win, people root for him. God, I wish I was this guy actually. Perfect day is of Dermot O'Leary just going about my things. Forget all of this stuff. Dermot O'Leary and I'm just at work. Where did it come from? I genuinely, I didn't even... When I sort of said I wanted a celebrity to be involved, I hadn't thought about who it was.

You hadn't? No, it's not written down anywhere. I sort of was like, a celebrity's involved, because often there's like celebrity golf days where they celebs play with, and I was just racking my brains for who would be the dream person and I was like well Dermot O'Leary obviously because he'd get on with everyone. I bet he can even paint. Yeah. I bet he can even paint. Do you know what I'd let him cut my hair. Yeah, yeah fair enough. Tell you what I'd trust him behind a pottery wheel. Yeah. I could see him behind a pottery wheel.

Just figure it out, wouldn't he? Just figure it out. He just works it out. He just, and he's not scared. He just do it. I think he might be my apocalypse person. What? Because he would sort of help you survive. I just think he'd figure it out. Yeah, whatever it was that was required. You need Dermot O'Leary, don't you? So now, because people, you know, sort of like dweebs have like a zombie apocalypse plan or whatever. And I've never had one and sometimes people ask me. Now I think my new one, thanks for talking to you, is some fine Dermot O'Leary. Yeah, some people's is like, you got to get to the ocean and you got to get in a helicopter

and stuff like that and get a gun. It's like, no, no, no. Have you got one? Have you got one of those zombie escape plans? No, I'd die instantly, ideally. Just whoever's come in near me, you can have a big bite and take me out. I don't want to be part of this. Let's just go.

Is that the end of your perfect night, Reece? I suppose, yeah. I mean, at some point in the day, I don't know where it fits in, but I want to read sort of 10 to 15 pages of a book. Just so I've done that. And ideally, it's like, no, I think it's more like Michelle Obama's book and strangers saw me read it. Yeah, right. Great. Perfect. Yeah.

Someone's taken a picture of me on the tube reading that and they posted it. Everyone's saying, what a guy, this guy. Yeah. And we usually ask one bonus question. Okay. What I don't know if you're you're prepared for this, but Reese, what is a piece of perfection that you would recommend this week? So what? A piece of perfection. It's a recommendation. So it's like, um, you know, a podcast or a TV show or a book you're

reading or something like that. Okay. Most of what I've consumed this week has been this podcast. Would it be mad to recommend on this podcast? Yeah. This podcast. Um, no, I, I'm interested to know who, who's your favorite, who was your favorite guest that you listened to?

Nothing comes close to the Joe Thomas episode. Obviously it's the most baffling listening experience. I mean, actually real testament to your role on the podcast of just because it felt like you had grabbed him by the collar the whole episode and you were just shaking him. Because you have to because he was like, I don't want I just want to sit down. And fair enough. He's a parent. But Tim Keys weren't always great. Fun. Yeah. And actually, he is sort of annoying thing about listening

to that is his the way his day started. I was quite, I was like, Oh, yeah, I want that actually. Yeah, same idea. Yeah, that was the one that I was like, that's the closest to the day I was. Yeah, that felt really like a great idea, didn't it? Other than that, I had a really good sandwich. Oh, actually, you know, you want last night. But got home after a gig, little bit hungry. Bit of sour dough, some mozzarella on it. Couple of sliced tomatoes, bit

of salt, olive oil, absolutely superb. Ooh, yeah. Are we toasting? Are we toasting? That is yeah, that's Pinchot, isn't it? Yeah, I melted the mozzarella. Stuck a couple of toothpicks in there. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, get it in your braces and you're sorted. Oh, Reece, thanks so much for coming on Perfect Day. A pleasure. A lovely journey through orthodontics, golf, poker, pinchos. Retired life. Thanks so much. Buy Reece's book,

I'm going to read a book. I'm going to read a book. I'm going to read a book. I'm going to read a book. I'm going to read a book. I'm going to read a book. I'm going to read a book. I'm going to read a book. I'm going to read a book.

I'm going to read a book. I'm going to read a book. I'm going to read a book. I'm going to read a book. I'm going to read a book. I'm going to read a book. I'm going to read a book. I'm going to read a book.

I'm going to read a book. I'm going to read a book. I'm going to read a book. I'm going to read a book. I'm going to read a book. I'm going to read a book. I'm going to read a book. I'm going to read a book. I'm going to read a book. I'm going to read a book. I'm going to read a book. I'm going to read a book. and Lolly's doing it in Birmingham, I think, and Tom Rosenthal in Bristol and stuff like that. It's on my website, reesejames.co.uk.

Yay. Thanks, Rees. Thank you. One absolutely brilliant, perfect day for both Rees and Dermot and the word Ream, which I've checked and hasn't been used in an interview since 2012. Thanks to Rhys for coming on and please do go and check out his book. You'll like it when you get there about Dread. You can pre-order it now and catch him on his book torch. He's probably coming to a town quite near you or near the town near you.

The links are in the show notes alongside a link to our very own live recording at the Edinburgh Fringe. And if you can think of something Dermot O'Leary can't do, please do get in touch every day, a perfect day at gmail.com. And remember to find the follow button in your podcast app because it really helps us. It really, really helps us and means that we can carry on making this podcast. And I really would appreciate it if you do that now, please. From Yorkshire with love, I'm Jessica Nuppet, wishing you a perfectly ream day. How do you know if you're worrying too much? How can you mend a broken heart? Does peeking at school ruin you for life? I'm Susie Ruffall, a stand-up comedian and someone

who has always experienced anxiety. And I've written a book, Am I Having Fun Now? Considering some of life's big questions. Featuring bonus insights from the likes of Charlene Douglas, Sarah Pascoe, Elizabeth Day and Dolly Alderton. Am I Having Fun Now? is out now in hardback, ebook and audio.