Perfect Day with Jessica Knappett - EP1: Romesh Ranganathan

Episode Date: July 25, 2024

Join Jessica Knappett on her brand-new podcast, Perfect Day where she asks all your favourite people about their fantasy perfect day.    This week she’s joined by the brilliant comedian, Romesh Ranganathan. Whilst exploring Romesh’s perfect day, the pair discuss the narrative arc of Magic Mike Live, interviewing a potty-mouthed 50 Cent, council rubbish bins, the dangers of cat accessible Air BnBs, family time and the addition of Magnesium Butter to marital sex.   Like and subscribe for brand-new episodes every Thursday. Follow us on Instagram, Twitter and TikTok @perfectdaycast. And why not get in touch: [e-mail] A Keep It Light Media Production Producer: Lucy Topping Exec Producer: Michael Marden Sales and general enquiries: [e-mail] Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

All right then. God, do you get brown dolphins out here in Greece? I don't think there is a dolphin. I think that might be Ramos Ranganason. Hello, I'm Jessica Knappett and welcome to the first ever episode of Perfect Day, the weekly podcast about dreams, memories and fantasies. Every Thursday, funny people tell me their perfect morning, afternoon and night. If you want to know who today's guest is, just turn on the telly at literally any time. He is a stand-up, presenter, writer, actor and my good friend and sitcom co-star at the hilarious Ramesh Ranganathan. He's a busy man and that did mean that the only time I could interview him was quite early in the morning after I'd been to see Magic Mike Live for my 40th birthday the night before. So I do sound a little bit hungover and I do dominate a good part of the first half

of the show banging on about magic my life but look we also talk about other things rubbish bins we talk about marital sex and Romesh does tell an incredible story about interviewing 50 cent so welcome in friends welcome to the Perfect Day Club And thank you for being here And I hope you enjoy Romesh Ranganathan's Perfect Day Sometimes after you have to clean up the pussy Because you don't want the pussy to be messy

From when you go and do other things with the pussy Hello Romesh How are you, mate? Jess, do you want to know something exciting that happened to me? I got an email from Crawley Borough Council saying they're naming one of the bin vans after me. What? What do you mean? I mean, they're putting names on their bin vans and one of them

is going to be called romish recycle nathan oh wow that's what an insult do you get any say in the matter? Yeah, because there was a couple of names, because what they'd done is they'd asked, they'd sort of gone out to primary schools in the area and said, what do you want to call the bin vans? And one of the names, they gave me two options. One of the options is Romesh Recycle Nathan. The other one was Rubbish Ranga Nathan.

So some children are trolling you some children from a local primary school have decided to think of a name associated with rubbish Yeah, for me well not for me, for the bin verb but like it was a democratic process, like they kind of you know, it was done properly

but yeah, that is essentially what happened. Except they didn't really include you. They emailed me saying, these are the two names that we've settled on, but we don't want you to be annoyed. So do you want to just tell us which one you prefer out of the two? But they didn't say they'd definitely go.

So it might still be rubbish wrangling. I don't definitely know. I don't know what your rights are for a bin to be named sort of like not a bin it's a bin but i mean if it was a bin that would be but it's quite a legacy isn't it and how long does it go on for i mean how is that forever i mean after you die i don't know i mean that's why i always wonder about this thing so obviously like i'm gonna decline in sort of popularity and kind of work rate and stuff like that. And then I wonder if I'm going to get another email saying from Crawley Borough Council, you know, like signs of the sort of the demise.

Yeah. It'll be like an email from Crawley Borough Council going, oh, Romesh, it's time. Just to let you know that we're retiring. We're retiring. Romesh Recycle Nathan. I think I prefer rubbishbish Ranganathan. Well, I know you prefer that. I'll tell you what I did last night, shall I?

Not that you've asked, but I'm going to tell you. Here's the thing. Just assume that I'm generally interested. Yeah, okay. And also, I need to get my head around the fact that I'm interviewing you. Yeah.

Yes. This is new for me. And we don't know if I'm going to be good at it yet well we don't know because we don't an interviewer that's an interview that's desperate to get stuff about themselves across i would say in terms of like basic sort of skill requirements it's not high up there no but but rom i know that you're gonna love this and and you're but are you are you gonna be are you gonna be a podcast host it goes yeah yeah can i just stop you there i've actually yeah yeah yeah yeah thank you no i think we've got the idea of your answer um but it reminds me of something that i did to do with my life actually i genuinely don't know how much you're supposed to tell people about your life and share what you don't do is say i'll tell you about last night even though you haven't asked apropos of nothing but i can't

stop thinking about it okay god tell me what i found i went to magic mike live oh my god did you Magic Mike Live. Oh my God. Did you? Yeah. I'm fascinated by Magic Mike Live. It was. Because I'm a big, I'm a big fan of the films. Yeah. So what happens at the, what happens at the live show?

Oh my God. It's so, honestly, it's so gorgeous. It's, I mean, what do you think happens? What do you think happens?

I think it's like, well, I assume it's like a concept thing, like you turn up and you're attending like one of those nights that they take part in in the film, right? So you're like an audience member at one of those shows. That's basically it, right? Yeah. Do they do the thing where they bring people out

and then they put a chair on you and then they start gyrating and like the ball bags just like sort of millimetres above your nose or whatever and stuff like that i was ground will you how what was that like so can you tell me the exact sort of geography of it oh okay yeah interesting um well he sat on he sat on my knee facing me and then he kind of gyrated up and down but he took he took my hands and and put them on his torso and kind of like moved them up and down yeah and then he put his hands on my he he put my hands on his bum and then he took and then he took my hands and he kissed them and then he and that so the thing that was really exciting all of

us was when we were like what are they doing there was there's loads of them by the way and so it's just when you say loads how many i think there's about i think there could be 10 of them okay so it's and they obviously when they first come out, they're clothed. And they have all the, they go through like different, they sort of spin through different versions of the ideal man. So there's a bit where they're all wearing suits. That's my favourite. They're taking calls.

Yeah. And then what do they do? They come out with like blue Yeti microphones. They're all podcasters it was one bit so the the story is a bit thin on plot but the story is so basically like a waiter not to not to spoil it but a waiter ends up on stage and he's really he's really sexy and that is actually mike but mike doesn't know how to dance so the other dancers have to teach him how to dance so they show him oh god that's that's slightly worse than i thought so there's a narrative arc there is a narrative arc um but they so they sort of show him what to do and yeah and then so what they do

is like individually they come out and do their things there's like one guy comes out and does like latin dancing and one guy comes out and does tap dancing that was a bit of a nick for all of us we were a bit like unfortunately it's very hard to do sexy tap dancing but he's giving it a good can i can i can I ask a question that sounds like it? It sounds like a bit of a dumb question, but I'm genuinely... How sexual is it? Like, what I mean is, when the guy was sat on your knee, were you thinking, you know, in an ideal world,

not in an ideal world, sorry, in a world where you were single, you'd want to, like, shag this guy? Was it, like, sexual like that? I mean, probably the funniest thing that happened is that my very successful friend who i was with who is very beautiful and very successful turned to me and went i mean we could just go out with one of them well can i just say well done for not naming your friend there that was a really that was a really good move it was absolutely incredible and then i started thinking about it and then i really did start to think about it like which one would i go

out with that's what you do yeah you sit there and you sort of pick your favorite one and then yeah and then at some point you know someone will come over and and almost everyone i think got ground at one point or had something happen to them i know it's weird isn't it i know what you mean but it sounds like the wrong thing to say everyone got ground i know exactly what you mean, but it sounds like the wrong thing to say. Everyone got ground. I know exactly what you mean, but it does sound horrible. Everybody had a grinding. Had you chosen a favourite

before you got ground? Did you get ground by your favourite? No, I didn't. He wasn't my favourite. But he was nice. I think he was gay, because he danced on a guy at one point. So I also went with a straight guy. At some point, I will interview you.

You see, this is what I miss, Rom, because we used to hang out every day, didn't we? Yeah, we did for two months. This would have gone on for hours. You'd have had this for an entire shoot day, 12 hours of me talking about Magic Mike you would have had. Yeah. No, I do.

I mean, I love Magic Mike. As you know, I told you my babysitting stories. You know that story. Oh, my God, that's so good. Oh, do you want to tell the babysitting story? Can you? Well, I don't know. It depends.

How do you want to do this interview? I mean, we're... I know, we need to crack on, actually. No, no. Are you happy for me to carry on, to talk, or have you finished about it? I just wanted to tell you one funny thing, right? That's what I thought, that's what I thought.

It felt like it. It felt like I was sitting on something. Yeah, go on. Which is that what we were all excited about was they were whispering things into the girls' ears at first. They were just, like, sitting on their knee, and then you could see them going... And I was like, what are they

saying? Because they're just, they're obviously just like talking dirty. Yeah. And we kept being like, I wonder what they say. And what did they say? Didn't the grinder say something to you? And then the guy who ground me did

lean into my ear. And he leaned forward and I was like, oh my God, here it comes, here it comes. He's going to say it, he's going to say it. And he went, have a good night. Are you serious? I know, it's just so... Are you serious? Have a good night.

Do you reckon that's what Bill Murray said at the end of Lost in Translation? That's all it is. And what if I did? I quite like that. I quite like that because what else could it be that isn't sort of eggy? Because if you think about it, like Jess, you're quite, I mean, listen,

I know you enjoyed that night, but you are sort of, I would say your egg-o-meter is pretty, you know, like your... Yeah, I mean, I got a little bit egged out just by you using the word egg-o-meter, to be honest. Yeah, but, yeah, exactly. Like, you get icked so easily.

So somebody just lent in your ear and you said, I hope you enjoyed the grind. Yeah, like, the look on your face would be so appalled. I don't know what I wanted him to say. No. Well, I know what you wanted him to say. You wanted him what you wanted him to say you wanted him to say something like you're the hottest girl in here yeah well so you know some shit like that yeah do you know what i mean but there were a couple of moments where my friends got wink like proper

eye contact and winks from the guys and it was like oh they've noticed you oh god anyway yeah that's what happened that's what happened they definitely they did notice him and that doesn't happen every night by the way that was just specifically those were real connections i know but that's what this could be this could be a magic mic live fan pod based on the content i honestly think i could do that i was quite quite... Oh, no, don't set me off on a magic mic again. Right. Ramesh, let's begin. That's how I'm going to start it. I'm just going to say, let's begin.

So this is the Perfect Day podcast, and I want to know all about your perfect day. And the first question is, OK, Ramesh, please tell me, what is your perfect morning? Well, my perfect morning is something that feels quite achievable, actually. But so I used to, okay, my perfect morning is getting up whenever I get up. So I used to, okay, my perfect morning is getting up whenever I get up. So I used to be like, you know, there was this culture of you have to get up at 6 a.m. Otherwise, you're wasting your day or whatever.

Or, you know, you have to be up and achieving something. And like there's all these motivational speakers that say you've got to be up at 3. And then that way, when everyone else is getting up at 8, you've achieved five hours of stuff or whatever. Yeah, but you haven't had any sleep. That's all rubbish, isn't it? I mean, what you need to do is sleep, it turns out. I mean, it's amazing that it's taken us this long to discover that sleep is actually important. And you should probably just sleep until you don't want to sleep anymore.

My perfect start would be to just wake up whenever I wake up, which is tricky. Yeah, so how often do you get to do that when when you're on the road i mean obviously people like me interrupt your morning by asking you to do a podcast when you've just done a gig all night whatever because obviously you work so much we all know this how often do you get to just wake up whenever you want i don't really i mean i mean the truth is when i'm at home um i've got a very understanding i'm nervous about saying how understanding my wife is is because i started to get i know what you're like and i've spoken to you about lisa before and sometimes when i've been describing my lifestyle i felt like you

kind of getting angry on her behalf at the situation she's allowed herself to fall into. So I'm slightly nervous about talking about this. But if I've had a late night gig, Lisa's pretty chilled about, you know, about when I wake up. But the truth is, if you've got kids, you kind of just get woken up. But the number of times I've had a really late night gig, this has happened a lot. And I wake up and one of my kids has stood over me waiting to have a conversation with me.

So I just sort of open my eyes and they're stood there ready to talk to me about something. I'll say, how long have you been there? And they're going, a few seconds. And I think, you haven't been there a few seconds. But isn't that a thing, though, that you do wake up if someone's staring at you yeah no okay maybe that is the case then so it doesn't happen often and then when i'm on tour like for example you know when i go away to a hotel i just don't sleep as well when i'm away from home and

it's so annoying because you sort of think i should do i've got nothing to wait you know i don't have to be doing anything until i'm leaving to go to the tour show but for some reason i can't just i don't sleep as well i wake up earlier not earlier but you know the idea that i'm going to just sleep into whenever it just doesn't happen it just really doesn't happen but jess and i'm loathe to say this because i got into a bit of trouble for saying this on my podcast for for spreading quackery but I oh god I know what you're gonna say it doesn't work from I tried it but it works for me and by the way a sample size of one is not a robust sample size it doesn't work it doesn't work for me right right but you're a sample size of It doesn't work for me. Right. But you're a sample size of one, aren't you?

Correct. But what I didn't say was it does work. I said it works for me. Tom, you should try it. I don't know if it'll work for you. What you said was it doesn't work because it doesn't work for me. So very different statements we made. Yeah, I know.

I shouldn't be expressing opinion as fact. And i don't like it when people do that if it makes you feel any better it's absolute classic uncut map it it's absolutely classic podcast basically isn't it just that's all podcasts are just unchecked facts opinions presented as facts going unchecked yeah what you're referring to is magnesium cream magnesium butter maggie butts as i call it so you put the maggie butts on and on my on my feet do you put socks over them no i don't actually should i i don't know i don't know okay it's obviously working without the socks so and then that does work and it means that you, what, you sleep for eight hours? Or uninterrupted? Yeah. And like, you know, I'm in my, I mean, Jess, you've just, you've just moved over into this bracket. I'm in my 40s and a night sleeping without having to get up a couple of times to relieve yourself is a rare thing at my age. I wake up at half past three every morning now, just ping wide awake.

Yeah. And also the other thing is I wake up to go to the toilet and it's that thing of like, I know it's a bit of a cliche, just trying to stop your brain clicking onto anything. You just go, I need to not think while i go for this piss and get back to my bed and close my eyes without me and doesn't even have to be a bad thing it could be anything you know i mean i you know like i've just got to not think about anything just for this few minutes while i go and if i do if i do think of something i might as well get up because it's over. The night's sleep is over. So the Maggie butts has helped me with that.

Although what I would say is I've had to really be careful about making sure I don't need to go to the toilet before I put the Maggie butts on my feet because we've got like a wooden floor in the bedroom. Oh, it's a safety hazard. Yeah. I mean, it's, you know, I'm already unattractive enough when i'm getting ready for bed i think lisa seen me go i'll save a tit in my boxer shorts is uh because i've made the soles of my feet completely frictionless i think that's probably a bridge too far in terms of keeping the magic alive but sometimes you will still have to so i i now i have an image of you sort of treading carefully

into the back with with your slippy lotion on the bottom of your feet for you yeah i i put the lotion on carefully to the toilet that's such an old man walk isn't it yeah just sort of tiptoe ding ding ding you know like in a cartoon and then i get into bed and I lead over to Lisa and I say, have a good night. And then I just go to sleep. The things that couples have to put up with, I don't think it's necessary to share a bed for sleep. Would you be in favour of having separate beds?

I would, yeah. I think he would too, if we're honest. What about you? I just sleep so much better in my own bed. Yeah, I think we... It's one of those things, isn't it, where it's a really strange situation where both of you know that it probably would be better,

but it's some sort of horrible admission to sort of concede that point and also there's a judgment thing isn't there if somebody goes do you sleep do you sleep in the same bed again no we sleep in separate beds it's better for your sleep also the other thing is i do think there would be no sex at all yeah ever no i agree i mean it's a saying to lisa can i pop across to you it's just too much i only find the prospect of rejection too horrifying as it is let alone having to cross a border together it's so hard isn't it like to to uh anyway i think i feel like that's a whole other conversation but it is you might say to instigate sex yeah

with somebody that you know way too well. Oh, it's so bad. And then what happens is your conversations get so pragmatic and functional about when you're going to have sex and you should have had,

we should have sex. You talk about it like you need to sort of, the way you talk about sort of sorting the grout out in the bathroom or whatever, you know, we should, we probably should,

shouldn't we? Yeah, we should. We haven't for a while. We should, we should. Do you still want to? Yeah, of course you still want to yeah of course i still want to of course i still want to i was thinking like maybe at the weekend maybe sunday and then also because it's so tied up with your own sort of feelings of self-worth anything they say that might be suggesting that you don't do it you immediately take as a person so that so that one night lisa and i decided that we're going to and then we came upstairs and one of the kids was just wide awake and dicking about so obviously you don't want to roll the dice on that therapist nightmare in the future so i um so lisa said to me oh he's he's awake oh i genuinely thought i

bet she's poked him awake he doesn't have to get poked by me. She's just stood over him watching him. Yeah. Oh no. There he is. Oh, he's up now. Oh well, that's a shame.

Somebody's giving him some Pro Plus. I don't know how that's happened. Whereas you're just you're rubbing magnesium butter on the bottom of his feet. Slip sliding my way over to Lisa. I'm over here, you. Yeah, I mean, it's just the shortcuts now.

We have to, I think, I'm sure we talked about this. The things that, the signals that you have to make. So in our bedroom, we have a wood-burning stove. And if I come into the bedroom. Yeah. It's a sexy room, actually. And if I come into the room and the stove is lit... Oh, no. Does that mean...

Is that the signal? Have a good night. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. That's the signal. Just opening the door, you're just hit by this warm glow. You go, oh. I go, oh, hello, the stove's on.

Or you go, oh no, the stove's on. Yeah. Well, you can do it. You can go, oh no. And it's not a slight on the other person. It just do you want to put that out yeah um anyway enough about that you've okay your've been i've started working out with lisa now right and you love it so much that on your perfect what your ideal morning would be spent working out no so so yes it be, but not because I like working out. It's because I will go mad if I don't.

Like what I mean is I need it so that the rest of my day is perfect. Do you know what I mean? Like for mental health wise, I have to exercise to sort of keep myself on the straight and narrow. So I feel like if I don't do that, I don't enjoy it in and of itself. Yeah, I get that. So I feel like if I don't do that, I don't enjoy it in and of itself. So my perfect day, I feel like I'd have to be mentally sound. I feel like that would impinge on my day if I wasn't. But so can we just maybe have a dream scenario where you feel like you've had exercise? You feel as good as you've had exercise.

You don't have to actually do it. But if you were going to do it, yeah. Okay yeah okay so you don't really it's not that you want this dream scenario i don't have to have done that to feel like that mentally is that what that's how you feel okay yeah okay great all right fine so i don't exercise because i feel mentally sound amazing well that although that automatically sort of spirals things about can i still write comedy anyway i go downstairs and um this is in my perfect day i might i make breakfast for my children because really yeah wow yeah okay there's a number of reasons i um i am not allowed often to cook for my kids or to make stuff for my kids.

One, because the mess I make is unacceptable, apparently. And two, because there is this fallacy at my house that I'm not as good a cook as Lisa. And it's bullshit. And part of the reason, and I believe that lisa continues to enforce this isn't a marriage podcast is it but it's starting to become one lisa continues to enforce me not cooking to continue that myth so um i'd love to just make breakfast make breakfast for my kids and sit and hang out and have one of those you know their sitcom breakfasts you know the 90s sitcom breakfast we all sit down and chat around the table. And there's orange juice in a

jug. Yeah. And there's pastries and cereal but the cereal is, it might be in boxes but it might be in those like nice containers. And there's a pitcher of cold milk. Yes. Yeah. So wasteful

those breakfasts aren't they because those pastries I mean tomorrow they're done aren't they? Because those pastries, I mean, tomorrow they're done, aren't they? I mean, unless you eat them all at that one breakfast, it's a pretty decadent thing to have all that stuff out. Are you making anything, though? You're saying you're cooking, and I have just described cereal, and you're now talking about pastries. Pancakes. Do you know how to make pancakes? and you're now talking about pastries. Pancakes. Do you know how to make pancakes? Yeah, I know how to make pancakes. Why is there so much stank in your question?

Yes, I know how to make pancakes. It's not that complicated. It's not a sea fly. No, okay. I believe you. Will you have to get your phone out and look at a recipe or are you just going to make your special pancake recipe? How are you doing it? I'll do my special pancake recipe. What's in a pancake? Well, eggs, flour, milk. It's quite simple. Okay, fine, I believe you.

A bit of sugar maybe. I mean, when I say pancakes, I mean crepes. Oh, okay. They're like pancake day pancakes. It's like tissues. Yeah, like tissues. Thank you. Okay, and the boys are all real they're everyone's so happy because daddy's made breakfast and you have a sit you have a sitcom breakfast yeah we have a sitcom breakfast we have a chat all the boys are talking they're responding they're not using they're not saying stuff to each other like imagine having your hair or imagine having to walk around with your nose or stuff like that and they're not you know they're not looking at their phones we're engaged

in some sort of hearty kind of family style chat do you know what i mean it doesn't descend into an argument although i don't it's weird i don't mind the arguments actually because sometimes they just really battle each other i find it quite entertaining so my tolerance for it is a lot higher than lisa's is lisa will try and shut it down whereas this part i think well there's some skill involved in that you know it's quite funny is there any more to the morning well maybe just go go for a bit of a walk maybe engage in a little bit of uh in a little bit of walk chat with the doggos. You know what I mean? Just sort of... I mean, I'm describing very simple. Simple living would be my personal morning.

I think you're describing also something that possibly does happen to you. You could have done anything at all. That's the whole point of this podcast. It's fantasy. You can do anything. You could have woken up anywhere in the world and you've chosen...

Oh, could I? Yeah. I mean, it's your perfect morning. I'm still sticking with it. That's my perfect morning. And I think that's lovely. But I think it's just so nice that you've chosen. Your perfect morning is basically your life on a day off, isn't it?

Yeah. Which happened, when's the last one? 2009. So, yeah, it's good it's good good times how often are you doing this perfect morning thing well it's not that usual but that's not just down to me the boys always have clubs and stuff like that and seeing our eldest often sleeps in and then when he does wake up he's slightly worried about his juicy sushi what's going to do some work on that doesn't really want to have breakfast with us there's lots of different variables involved in making that happen so it happens now and again for example i'm going home tomorrow night and uh sunday morning we're specific that's what we're that's what my morning is going to be except plus workout and probably i

won't cook it It's a Sunday. It's a lovely Sunday morning, isn't it? Yeah, Sunday vibes. Sunday vibes. Sunday vibes. I love it. But that is my perfect morning. I think that's really nice, Ron. Thanks, mate.

Thank you so much. I think it's very, very sweet. my perfect afternoon would be it's a bit relaxed this but my perfect afternoon would be a swimming pool yeah or beach right um laid out like i've got a kindle loaded up with every bit of trashy crime fiction you'd ever want to read. Right. And there's staff bringing unlimited margaritas. Anything. Kids are there. And the good thing. But hold on, because it's a dream thing. I'm not getting too pissed on these margaritas. Right. So I'm just enjoying the margarita. You know know when you get that initial little buzz where the edge comes off? Yeah, the first one.

These margaritas just keep you sitting in that sweet spot. You don't suddenly start talking too loudly and Lisa and the kids look across at you in an embarrassed way. Do you know what I mean? It's very sort of... I feel like this might be a memory more than a fantasy. Theo, once, I was having a great time he shushed me he said he said dad you're getting a bit overexcited oh my god amazing because I because

I was just sort of getting animated and having a bit of like you know when you have kind of like bants with the family and also like when your kids find you funny it's sort of like like amazing right yeah but you're in a different my kid finds it funny when i like say then you know scatter cat that's a book right you know like you're like they're not quite very discerning yet right yeah but they're still that's good scatter cat is actually a funny word in and of it it is funny yeah but um sure but yeah so but so it'd just be like um the the margaritas have got me on a vibe on a vibe fucking hell it's okay to say things like on a vibe yeah uh in your mid-fall season no one's judging you here yeah and you can order whatever sort of food you want and it's not you're not having you're not feeling self-conscious about

what that's going to do to your weight also the other thing is i can swim yeah i'm allowed i'm allowed to have skills that i don't can you not swim well i can swim but the reason i mention it is is that we went to greece last year on holiday and um there was a like a boy it's so difficult isn't it it's in america they call it a buoy don't's so difficult, isn't it? In America, they call it a buoy, don't they? But there's a buoy out in the sea. Yeah. And Lisa and the kids said, let's swim out there to the buoy.

And we started swimming. And I'm not, I am, I can swim, but I'm not a strong swimmer. Lisa is like fucking Michaela Phelps, like a little dolphin, absolutely smashing through it. And the boys have picked that up as well. So what happened is that we were halfway there and I thought, oh, I'm dying. I'm going to die.

I'm drowning. I'm too knackered. I can't carry on swimming. This is it. And then I started going, I'm struggling a bit. But because Lisa and the kids couldn't believe that that would be possible they thought I was doing a bit and so they were like oh don't be oh whatever dad whatever and I'm like oh god this is the way I'm gonna go I'm like fucking Tommy Cooper in the water people don't realize that I'm this is

actually happening do you know what I mean it was was horrendous. And then, yeah. Yeah, go on. No, I mean, I then became really angry because I was like, they're not taking me seriously and I think I'm dying. Oh, my God. So you went into fight or flight. By the way, I love the fact that you, and this podcast is about your perfect morning and you've just described nearly drowning. No, but in my perfect day, perfect day i'd i'd swim to the

buoy i'd flip off onto the top of it i'd go ta-da and then just like dolphin off the back and then swim around and just be in and out of the water doing tricks and stuff like that the kids would be holding hoops up i'd go through the hoop and stuff like that it'd be amazing oh right so you sort of half dolphin yeah somebody's somebody who'd been on the show going, I didn't know, do you get brown dolphins out here in Greece? I don't think there is a dolphin. I think there might be one with Schengen 8. Lisa's, and you get back to the show

and Lisa's just got some little fish and they just slip right down. Yeah, yeah. That's supposed to be a dolphin noise, that's sort of a monkey chimp noise, isn't it? Yeah, I don't really know how to do a dolphin noise that's sort of a monkey chimp noise isn't it yeah i don't really know how to do a dolphin oh no oh no yeah it's like a they're pricks aren't they they're pricks aren't they dolphins no i thought dolphins

are they i thought dolphins were really friendly i think they might not be as nice as they've been i think they might be beneficiaries of really good PR. I think. I don't know. I'm not basing this in fact. I don't think this is to be another magnesium butter gate where I'm talking without being fully informed. But I'm pretty sure they're all right, but they're not as great as people think they are. as great as people think now yeah um okay so you're a basically you're after your ideal afternoon is are you sort of so you're you're just chilling on a sun lounger kind of thing it's somewhere hot it's yeah it's like uh chilling on a sun lounge a margarita a bit of reading bit of chat with the

the fam pop into the swim pop into the sea i'm flipping around like a dolphin people are applauding come back to the shore lisa throws me a couple of vegan like toe fish or whatever they're called and then i just sit back and you just rinse and repeat for the afternoon you know and i start telling stories and then the kids are going louder dad loudest people are gathering oh my god that guy's that guy looks like such a funny dad. His kids don't look embarrassed by him at all. You're a stand-up comedian telling funny stories to people. Yeah, that's true.

No, that's fine. Do you know what? I don't know why I said that. I don't really want that. My perfect night is... Okay, my perfect night is is okay my perfect night would be going to a music gig and having that be a frictionless experience all right so like you could just you can just teleport to the gig or something like that and then you're in like a you're in a like you're in a box the box is like hovering just in front of the box is like hovering

just in front of the stage somehow do you know what i mean like i don't want to obstruct anybody's views i want to feel super for some reason they've managed to put that stuff they put on that james bond car you're completely transparent the front row basically yeah that's it but but you know but elevated in the mosh pit elevated yeah and it's presumably some kind of hip-hop act, is it? Yeah, I was trying to figure out who it would be currently. I guess Kendrick Lamar, probably. Or one of those dream lineups. All of my favourite artists.

MF Doom, Lauryn Hill, Big E. Dead and Alive. Maybe Prince turns up as well. Oh my God. Just like a proper mix. And then all of us go. Who's all of you? Me, Lisa and the kids.

And we all equally enjoy it for some reason. None of us getting bored. I love how much of your perfect day and night is with your family. Not a single mention of Tom Davis. It's a testament to how little I see them, I guess. Oh. Because it was inspired by well I went to see 50 Cent at the O2 a while ago oh yeah didn't you interview him basically we interviewed him and a lot of the interview was unusable for Radio 2 right so my Radio 2 producer was there and we sat down and we were in his like dressing room and he said you know take a seat and he was so excited that i was actually happening to be going to the show anyway so he was like

really open to chat and i said and it was i was asking about the i think it's 25 year anniversary of his first album and i said to him so get rich or die trying imagine this right the producer sat there he's giving us mics each and say bbc radio 2 on right and i say to 50 cent get richard di try incredible album you know what was it like to suddenly become that famous off the back of the album and he said you know what it's like it's like a punk star with the best pussy and everybody wants your pussy and you're wondering is my pussy gonna be good enough for everybody that wants a bit of this pussy. And luckily, my pussy was good. And you go, okay, sweet. What a gorgeous metaphor, 50.

Thank you so much for that unusable content. I just saw the producer just go, oh, okay. We've only got 20 minutes with him. Oh my God. It's so, so funny. So what, have you got like five seconds out of that interview? I've never heard it. We'll mostly get an interview.

You can't say a rapper's don't swear. But if they just swear, obviously you can just bleep it out. But if somebody is just using extended pussy metaphor, it's very difficult to work around that. You know what i mean um but but i was i was going with lisa and because actually 50 cent i sort of hadn't realized how many crossover hits he had like so she was quite keen to go see him and then my brother came with his oh my god my host i don't want to hello yeah I'm supposed to be checking out at 1

it was supposed to be sorted out by my agent oh dear alright thank you right can I tell you something so that I'm going to tell you something and this is a first world problem right on tour I've always got late checkout at the hotels

and on the thing they go we've booked it late checkout I'm yet to stay at a hotel where they don't try and get you out I've always got late checkout at the hotels, right? And on the thing they go, we've booked it late checkout. I'm yet to stay at a hotel where they don't try and get you out of check. They never seem to know. And then I just go, oh, I'm doing late checkout. She goes, oh, okay. I'm not planning on staying here. You're not going to have to evict me.

Why are you still in your room? It's five past 11. Yeah, that's exactly what it is. And by the way, eleven o'clock checkout, unacceptable, just so you know. Completely unacceptable. Completely unacceptable. And also, what's unacceptable, four p.m. check-in. What are we doing? We're paying a flying visit. I'm supposed to be here for the night, you fucking wankers. Oh my God. Again again i shouldn't be talking about myself but i need to tell you this yesterday i booked it i checked into an airbnb so this is not just me this is all of this is like five of my friends as well staying in this place yeah i checked into it yesterday through the door and what was on the sofa not one not two five turds what i i cat turds i turds actual turds i'm gonna i'm gonna show you the picture actual can you see this oh my god oh my god that was in my airbnb and then i looked and every single soft surface

was covered in cat hair and the whole place just stank of of cat piss did you leave immediately well i i had to go for a meeting and then and i phoned the woman i was like i sent her a message saying there's there's shit in your house and she basically said oh yeah sorry um there's a stray cat that sometimes just lets itself in probably should have told you about that i'll come and get the cleaners round and i was like well i'm not staying here then. I mean, you cannot stay here. It was so right. But then she basically just refunded the whole thing and I found another place anyway.

But, you know. When I was in Albania, I did a travel show in Albania, right? And we stayed with this shepherd in this hut in the mountains, right? Not a hut. It was just like a humble kind of shepherd's hut. He's a lovely guy. And they were making, they all just hung out in this one room

that had the kind of stove in it, right? And this is like 15, 20 of us all just sitting in this room and we're like drinking booze and stuff like that. And then I told them I was vegan, so they gave me one less lamb chop than everyone else got. You know, it was like pretty wild. and the whole and and like they were they were

cooking and like the smell of lamb kind of like soaked into your clothes and everything like that but they're very nice anyway i stayed the night over there and they said you can stay in this other room right so i stayed fully clothed because every other room apart from that room was freezing like freezing cold so i went and laid on this sofa for the night and i was like fucking hell i really stink a lot but that lamb smells rank right i just want to figure out what the fuck's going on i woke up in the morning i kept waking up to this disgusting so i was thinking jesus christ that lamb absolutely stinks anyway i woke up the next morning the director who would stay the the as well, as I walked away from him, he goes, Romesh, what's on your back?

I had slept in cat shit. We looked at the sofa. There was a pile of cat shit and I just laid on it and smeared it all over the back of my coat. Oh, my God. But then there's no washing it. What did you do? Well, we had to do a day's filming after that.

So I had to just lose the coat for after that so i had to like i just lose the coat for the for the duration of filming but i don't have to explain that when you've had a terrible night's sleep and then you wake up and you've covered in cat shit and then you've got to start filming immediately it really was like it felt emotionally like a real low point for me i look i genuinely thought i was going to start crying it's an amazing life isn't it for you i mean it's a it's a life of extremes like what i just love the fact that one minute you're like lathering yourself in magnesium butter and the next minute you're sleeping in cat shit well i think on that note ron we can leave it there, can't we? Unless there's anything else you want to add?

No, but what I would say is I just think I'm really glad you're doing this podcast. Thank you. I think for you to have managed to get us to the end of the day, despite talking about Magic Mike for, I would say, 15, 20 minutes at the beginning, is a testament to your interview skills, your ability to move something on. I think you'd be able to handle this if it was live. I think it's, I just think well done. Really good stuff.

Thanks, Ramesh. Thanks, Jess. I really appreciate you doing this. I know you're a busy boy. Love you. Love you. Bye. love you bye okay that's the show that was Romesh

what a top lad I hope you enjoyed his perfect day I really enjoyed our chat there grateful to Romesh for kicking the series off if you haven't seen our sitcom Avoidance by the way, check it out on BBC iPlayer. We did have a lovely time making that. Thank you so much for listening.

Have to do my needy, please, now. If you enjoyed it, please hit the subscribe button, review, like, all that stuff, and I'll keep making more of them. Stay tuned for more amazing guests every Thursday. Who's coming up?

We've got Dolly Alderton, Jamali Maddox, Jessica Gunning from Baby Reindeer. It's not a bad line-up. That's all for now. From Yorkshire with Love, I'm Jessica Knappett, wishing you a perfect day. Mum? What is it? Are we there yet? I'm a teen to get you from A to B. Join me, my son Gary. Hello. Sarah the AI bot.

Hello Harry. As we delve into the childhood memories of a motley crew of comedians, celebrities and cultural icons. Is it on now, Daddy? Yes, Gary, it is. I'll be there. Yet. Hello, I'm Marcus Brigstocke.

And I'm Rachel Parris. This is How Was It For You, a review-based podcast. We're going to be asking each other, how was it for you? It was pretty good, Rachel. About all sorts of different things. Things we've eaten. Things we've seen. Places we've been. Things we've smelled. People we've met sometimes. Those will be, we'll have to talk about them without giving away who they were. And that will be the challenge you as a listener can enjoy. Exactly. You can get all of the episodes in the places where podcasts are.