Perfect Day with Jessica Knappett - EP17: Brett Goldstein

Episode Date: November 14, 2024

Hollywood superstar Brett Goldstein joins Jess Knappett on the podcast this week to discuss (most) of his perfect day - all on no sleep! The pair talk about Brett’s dream woman, acting jobs, the sea, the sun, their Drifters days, charity gigs and Brett getting his bum out. Plus, Brett airs his views on the podcast format. To see Brett’s perfect woman, visit our Instagram https://www.instagram.com/perfectdaycast/  Like and subscribe for brand-new episodes every Thursday. Follow us on Instagram @perfectdaycast. And, why not get in touch? Email us at [e-mail] Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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You're not going to. You're not though, are you? Welcome to Perfect Day. Today's guest is the gorgeous, the hilarious, the lovely, Bretty Bretty Goldstein. He's an actor, yeah, sure, he's a writer, just a bit. He's a producer, yes we get it, original, drifters. Bretty boy, Hot Scott, you might know him as. He's in Ted Lasso, of course, obviously. Huge. And he's also, as you're about to hear, an Excellente podcast guest. Turns out Hollywood's Brett Goldstein is, yeah, a huge Perfect Day fan. So hi, Brett. Thanks for listening.

I know you never miss an episode. And, you know, thanks for all your feedback. Everyone's a critic, aren't they? We did this interview, guys, the day after the premiere for Brett's film, All of You. Brett hadn't slept, but actually not really for rock and roll reasons. He was just like, so, you know, I'm warning you now. It is absolute tan-ge-city, this one.

I'm not gonna apologize for who I am and my interview style, if you can call it that. I let the conversation go. I think that the more tangential the better. I mean, sure, does it sort of make me question whether or not I can ever finish a thought? Am I sort of semi-diagnosing myself with ADHD as we go along on this podcast a little bit. But yeah, you know, I think it's fine. I think it's fine to have a conversation and see where it goes and, you know, the tanges, maybe the tanges maketh the pod. So anyway, yeah, no, I am going to apologize. I am going to apologize because we didn't actually get to finish Brett's perfect day. But the good news is he has promised to come

back to finish it off, to finish off the job. So that's nice of him, isn't it? And maybe we'll do it in front of an audience. Maybe that audience will be you. I hope you enjoy this as much as I did, because this is Brett Goldstein's Perfect Day Part 1. Can we get the creepy guy from the end of the bed please? Alright then. Right Brett. Yes. How long have we got by the way? Long as you want, within reason. Well I've got to get on the train at half past one because I'm presenting the Royal Television Society Awards Northern branch. Oh yeah, so it's a charity gig and an awards gig. That's a double whammy. Yeah. I'll be

damned if it's gonna cut this interview short for us, Brett. Do you know what? What? I've said I'll be damned twice this morning. I don't know why. I've never said it before, I don't think. I like it. I said it in relation to my milk. I'll be damned if I'm going to stop drinking dairy, is what I said. Just to be clear in case this does end up on the podcast, when I said, oh, double whammy, I didn't mean doing something for charity. Yes, you did. Is that what you meant? Because you hate to not be paid, even if it benefits people.

You've made that expressive here. I meant charity gigs often, as a stand-up, in in my experience are always odd in some way. Not all good for the charity but the actual experience of the gig is often odd. How so? I think it's often that the audience aren't really there for the gig. They're there for the children, victims. And perhaps they've been made to come for the people organising the charity and they're not quite sure what they're there for and so you're playing to a crowd of people who are disgusted.

Right. I think it's... What's the worst... Oh no, you can't really answer this question but I'm going to ask you anyway. What's the worst charity gig that you've ever... You don't have to name the charity. No, I tell you what makes it often difficult is the person organising it is a wonderful... This is pleased...

Can we already restart? The person organizing it is like a wonderful person and they're doing a wonderful thing, but they go so I'm gonna go on and do ten minutes and a slideshow of Victims and tumors and then you can come out and do your dick jokes And it's quite hard to follow the old slideshow. Especially with your material, which is very blue. Yeah. How is your standup career, Brett?

What's going on with, because you're so busy being a Hollywood, by the way, hello and welcome to the podcast. Hello and welcome to Perfect Day. And hello listeners. Brett Goldstein in the way, hello and welcome to the podcast. Hello and welcome to Perfect Day. And hello listeners. Brett Goldstein in the house, absolute Hollywood legend that he is now strolling in 45 minutes late, no sleep

and demands a Starbucks Soya Lime. Now, let me say, yes, I have a rider. It involves not having anyone standing behind me and yet here we are. Producer Lucy sat right behind me. I'm very upset about someone sitting behind me. In quite a creepy way. No disrespect. I don't think it's creepy, I think it's just sitting in the corner. Lucy is very heavily pregnant. She's described herself as offensively pregnant.

And that's why she's popped herself in the corner because she doesn't want to be on camera. I'm not offended by pregnancy. Lucy could sit in front of us. I know you're not offended by pregnancy. You're the opposite aren't you? Yeah. Is that why Lucy has to sit behind you? Tell everyone about your relationship to pregnant women. Love a pregnant lady. I just think there's something very beautiful about a pregnant lady. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. No, it's because you can't... Do you think it's... This could tie in quite nicely with... Can we...

Can we start properly? You want to start properly, do you? What I would like to say is... Finish the story. Finish the sentence. I'm here. Perfect day. Yeah, alright then. I love this podcast. I've listened to every single episode of it. I can't believe it. It's my favorite podcast. I've listened to it from beginning to end. I love you,

Jessica Knappett. I love listening to you talk to your friends and I love you wrestling to keep a format. A very, and often hearing your guests try to wrestle it back into a format. Where really, the best bit is just us, it's just you and a friend having a chat. I love it. And then occasionally, I don't know if it's Lucy over here behind me, pressing a button like this probably should have a sting, but the sting comes absolutely randomly at any point. How dare you? Sometimes mid-september-fiiiig day and then you'll come back no format someone's occasion

the guests will go what about my perfect afternoon you go oh yeah yeah yeah yeah anyway tell me about getting commissioned see this is really I mean I know fine I'll take it by the way if this is a compliment if you genuinely have comments about the show Brett every day a perfect day at gmail.com. I keep being ignored. Just email Lucy. Lucy wants it. I have written to Lucy so many times. She hasn't got time, she's too pregnant. But look, I take your point and I take your feedback. You're suggesting to me that the format is arbitrary. To me it couldn't be clearer the structure is morning, afternoon, night. And then we just chat around that. Yeah, no, it's good.

So are you suggesting that we don't actually talk about the format? I hope we do because I did so much work on it. Have you really? Yeah. All right, well we better get cracking then, hadn't we? I'm sort of like, I'm here for the format, not the chat. OK, but I do want to just talk quickly about last night. Yeah, please go. Because listeners, I went to see Brett Goldstein's gorgeous film last night.

Thank you for coming. It's called All Of You. If you're from the north, it's called All Of You. And so obviously, you haven't tested the film in the north but I think it will do really well up there. It contains intimacy. Did you have to have an intimacy co-ordinator? You've seen my butt before? I've seen you. I've fallen head first into your butt. Yeah, you've touched my butt with your face. Yeah, lovely butt.

Thank you. Love your face. I think your butt gave a stellar performance in the movie last night. Thank you. I think you, I think your butt gave a stellar performance in the movie last night. Thank you, thank you. It did a lot of work actually. But seriously, it does most of the heavy lifting. It does a lot of the heavy lifting, as do the strong arms that you've been working up so well in Hollywood. Thank you. But Brett, I think we should talk about the film because it's a stunning piece of work. And where can people watch it? Well, we were just at the London Film Festival having our UK premiere.

Premier? Premier. Premier. Is it premiere? Premier. Premier. Premier. We had our UK premiere at the London Film Festival and hopefully someone will buy it so they

can distribute it so that other people can see it. Will you buy it? Will you hand it out door to door? Yeah. I just want people to see it. It's a very special thing for us. It took us 10 years to make that film and I feel very, you know, it's a real thing, isn't it?

Because it started as a short film. Started as a short film. We made a short film, which you saw, yeah. And it's about two best friends going to take a soulmate test, and they find out that they are definitively not soulmates. And that's what the... But we watched the film thinking, but they seem also to have something very special together. And then we decided over a very long time to make a film about the rest of their lives. So the film is the next 12 years of their lives and we see them still being drawn to each other despite definitively knowing they're not soul mates.

And I guess it's about what is love, et cetera. And I really felt there is a strong theme in this film of the relationship between two people and how you can wrestle in a relationship with intimacy and commitment and the feelings of suffocation versus the need for stability and I thought I'm going to ask Brett Goldstein what his relationship is to commitment. Perfect day! Yeah right then. So your perfect morning. Come on Brett. What's my relationship to commitment? Answer the question. Jesus.

What the hell? What the hell is this? Someone call security. It's gold. Watch him squirm. I just had to watch him squirm. No, it was interesting actually that... It's all in the film. It's all in the film. It's all in the film. I thought it was interesting that your co-writer William Bridges was there and you both had to shout, you know, give a shout out to his wife and make it very clear that they're deeply in love. Well, for real though, the thing that is funny is that when we first made the film, like part of our chat was, I think I was more of a romantic we first made the film, like part of our chat was I think I was more of a romantic than Will was and Will was like I don't really believe in soulmates like as in his wife he'd known from uni and like he's sort of like it's like yes we're great together but also like it's convenient like he was just like I don't think she's my

soulmate but then 10 years later now they children, now their lives are built. And then he looks back at his thing. It's like, now he's like, actually, she might be my soul mate because they have had time and history. And it's like, actually, they're perfect together. You know what I mean? Yeah. I think that is so interesting. It's so, there's so much pain in this film. It's also so funny. Thank you. You're there it's packed full of jokes. Yeah. And you're both you and amazing Imogen Poots. Oh my god. She's so brilliant and you're brilliant. I mean you've always been brilliant but that's like that I think

that's your standout performance isn't it? Thank you very much. It's so good Brett. It's not hot scott. It's no hot scott no, no, but you do get your bum out. So Drifters fans will not be disappointed which is really, I mean, everyone knows Brett Goldstein is hot Scott. It was actually a bit of a Drifters reunion last night. Yeah it was. Emerald Fennell. Emerald was there. Yeah. Phoebe. Phoebe was there. I... Phoebe Waller-Bridge and Emerald Finale, better known as the writers from Drifters. Best known as the writers from Drifters. Now, as not only am I the biggest fan of Perfect Day... Yeah, right then. I am also the biggest fan of Drifters, which I was lucky enough to play a small part in. And one episode of Day which as you know I've listened to every single episode

of was with you and the cast of Drifters yeah and I messaged you after because I've talked about this to you many times now I'm going to use this opportunity to force you into this. Don't you listeners think that Jessica Nappet should make Drifters plus ten? Wouldn't it be an amazing show ten years later? One of them's got kids, one of them's divorced, one of them's married. I want to see what you have to say through the medium of Drifters now. I think it would be amazing. The three of you together are so fucking funny. Hot Scott would still be the neighbor Well, could Megan hot Scott be married because that's probably the only reason why I'm gonna do it

I don't I don't object to that if that is the correct story for drifters. You're the you're the author. Okay, well Let's pitch it That's something that emerald said last night that every time I do a podcast I just come up with another Podcast or another show that's basically what the podcast I just come up with another podcast or another show. That's basically what the show is, just coming up with more shows. Drifters Plus 10, I mean. Okay, well, we'll do it. Brett Goldstein officially signs up to... Yeah, you can put that as your headline. Yeah. Okay, Brett Goldstein attached to Drifters Series 5. Drifters Plus 10. Netflix, take note, we're pitching it. Megan Hotscoter married. Megan Hotscoter married. Laura and Gary are still in an on-off

relationship but they've got two kids. Yes. And Bunny is living in, she's married, she's shacked up with a rich guy. Yes. And she's a kind of an earthworm. And he's like a tech billionaire. Yeah. And she's miserable. Yeah. But she's really, really rich. She needs to be rich. We need one of us to be rich. Yes. I mean, I'm all for it. It's not bad.

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a struggling Asian actor who gets a bigger part than he expected when he witnesses a crime in Chinatown. Streaming November 19th only on Disney Plus. Right, right, last night. Let's talk about last night. So we had a fantastic night at Brett's screening and then there was a lovely little after party, it was very showbiz, all the great and good there. And Brett hasn't had any sleep. What happened? What did you go home with? I didn't go home with anyone, I'm jet lagged. I slept for like an hour and then I woke up at three and then lay in bed.

Why are you jet lagged? When did you arrive in from? Tuesday. From Los Angeles? Yes, from Miami. Miami? What? I missed the hurricane. Oh my god. I like flew out when it was like... Why were you in Miami? Doing a show to stand up. Oh my god. Yeah. Give it a rest. Haven't you just filmed Shrinking or something? Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, I don't like... Sitting still? Sitting still. Like, I like lying in bed at three in the morning today. Horrendous.

I mean, your schedule must be back to back to back. Are you happy in this? No, are you happy with that? Genuinely? Because I hate it when that happens. Oh really? I feel like... Look, the truth... Look, I'm a workaholic, you know that. So I'm very, very happy because I like doing the stuff. Very happy, very lucky, very, very, very lucky. I do once a week think, Oh my god, this is too much, I'm going to have a heart attack and die.

Right, okay, yeah. But then it passes. And then you just take more... week think, oh my god, this is too much, I'm gonna have a heart attack and die. Right. Okay. Yeah. But then it passes. And then you just take more of a work drug. Yeah. Yeah. And. You can't stop to think that it's too much. I bet you only have that thought when you get a little pause in the day. When we made the film, it was like such a tight schedule and I think it was like,

I can't remember, 30 days and there was one day off in the middle of it. And that one day off, oh my, you could have put me in an asylum. I was like, I'd gone there. That one day off I did not know what to do. I was depressed. It was dark. It was like, I think because you're so like in the film

and you're making this thing and you're in this kind of madness and then to take a day out of it,'s not good because you can't be a normal person. I couldn't, I didn't know how to, I genuinely was like texting Will like what do people do, what do we do and he was like he said I have to talk to my wife and I said what are you saying to her and he was like I don't know she thinks I'm weird. I do understand that but only from the thing that I got, I don't know, she thinks I'm weird. I do understand that, but only from the thing that I get really used to with filming and it's probably not the same as what you're talking about

because I think what you're talking about is just being busy and constantly on the move and constantly having to like problem solve. But when I'm filming and I'm just being an actor, you get told from the moment, you know, you just get told where to stand and what it's so bizarre. They tell you where to stand and they give you your food and they give you a drink and you don't have a single thought for yourself the entire time. And then because I have done it where I've I've I've been in that position.

I can remember being given travel instructions to get back from my door from the tube station after filming. And I followed them. Because I was like, I was in that brain space and I was like, what do I do now? I'll go to turn left and I'm like, oh, right, I'm just going to my house. But all right, I know this, Drew. But it's so weird how you get into that mentality. And is it that or is it something different? No, it's not that. I hate that. That that's like that's why I think actors are dickheads

is because if you're an actor who doesn't do anything else you're a child you're a toddler you're told get in the car and and let me feed you because we can't get any mess on your classroom so let me feed you. Oh my god, yeah, that's the way. Let me feed you. Yeah. And you just drink through that straw, that's it. Drink through the straw, you have to drink through the straw. It's true. Drink through that straw, and then if you could just stand over here, and here's your line, you say this line, and you say that.

And that's really good. That's really good. Well done, you're so good. Do you want a cup of tea? We'll give you a straw, you can have your tea. Pathetic. And if you start, and if you do that for six months, you don't know where you live anymore.

No, you don't know where you live.. No, you don't know where you live. You don't know how the tube works. But it's different for you because when you're on set making your own film, are you thinking about changing, are you changing lines? Are you writing as you go? What are you... Can I say something sincere? Sincere.

Yeah, and then we'll cut this out. But I wonder if you have this in Drifters, because I don't know, because Drifters is so tight. Listen, Lucy, let's this in Drifters because I don't know because Drifters is so tight. Listen, Lucy, let's talk about Drifters. Stop talking about Drifters, I'm talking about you. I don't get to say this in public enough. Drifters, one of the most underrated comedies in British TV. The writing on Drifters, the scripts are joke dense in a way that no other British comedy is. It is funny, it is like all the characters are hilarious, every line is hilarious, the plot, but it's fucking funny.

So well written and structured and brilliant. Thank you Brett. But I was asking you about you, but thank you. Bringing it back to you, what I love so much about your film. Because these are two people who I absolutely believe are real people saying very funny things. Yeah, they're just funny people. They're just funny people being funny and to find like, an Imogen particularly is like such an incredible actress

who can also like deliver a joke, but isn't a comedian. That's so rare. Well that's what I found. When I found Imogen when we met on Zoom I was like, oh you're a comedian. She thinks like a writer, like a comedian, like her observations of the day are like, oh this could all be stand-up. Like you're a funny person and she's done so many depressing films. It was like, oh did you not know you're a comedian? And so and with Shrinking that's very naturalist and same with Ted Lasso well so how do you because you do somehow find the fine line and walk it I don't know the tone

thing it's natural instinct like I think because it's both those shows are serious both those shows are quite sad Both those shows are quite sad. But they've got a shit ton of jokes in. And you just know, but you tone it. Sometimes in the script, sometimes on the day, and sometimes in the edit, you might go, oh, this has got too broad, and we need to put it back. Or this has got too sad, and we need to lighten it up a bit.

You know what I mean? It's always a balance with those shows. But with the film, the thing I love about making something like that film, like for example, the ending was set in my, the last line of the film, for 10 years I've had like locked in. And when we started making the film, the film reveals itself to you, you know what I mean?

It becomes something because of her, because of me, because of these, like I suppose it her, because of me, because of these like, I suppose of Will, because of, if you, if you listen to the signs, it's showing you it's changing a bit. And it's like that ending you were so locked in on isn't quite right. It's, it's very, very close to the original one, but the last line is different now. And I was so locked on, I will never, you know, that's perfect. That last line, the last line is now different than what it used to be. And it, because as we made it, it was like pay attention to what is happening. How it feels. But that's because you're, I can imagine, because you're such a, we have

not, we've got, we will do the perfect warning. Perfect day. I watch your perfect morning? But you're such a feeling person. Yeah. And you've got so many feelings. Too many. Too many feelings. That's why I have to work all the time. That's why we love you so much.

Shush your face. Because you feel all the feelings and you want to talk about how you're feeling and it's so rare for a man to be really in touch with and able to articulate their feelings. And so it doesn't surprise me at all that when you're in the midst of making something you're feeling it and feeling how it's changing. But... But that isn't for everyone. That's not for everyone. What do you mean that's not for everyone too? Well no, as in some people go...

As a creative process. As a creative go, like everything's... Like with Dr What do you mean that's not for everyone too? Well now as some people go, as a creative process, as a creative go, like everything's, like with Drifters you go, and it's entirely correct for Drifters because it's such a tight show. Because the aim of Drifters was not to make people feel anything other than a laugh. If you went, oh let's try and mess around with this, you'd probably fuck up your perfectly structured scripts. I'm obsessed with Twin Peaks, right? David Lynch, who lives entirely by science. Yeah.

Do you know that... Transcendental meditator. Do you know the thing that made Twin Peaks a thing, which is sort of amazing? If you ever watch Twin Peaks, the bad guy, the big bad sort of spiritual bad guy is called Bob. And when you watch the whole thing thing you're like this whole show is about Bob right when they shot the pilot Bob was not in it wasn't part of it they filmed this scene where the mum screams because she's had a dream and they cut and he goes great let's move on and the continuity person goes I'm sorry David we need to go again he says why she goes, because the set designer guy

was crouching in the corner trying to be out of the way, but he's in the corner of the frame. And so at the end of her bed, there's this man in the corner of the frame looking really scary. And he was like, well, we meant to have that there. Oh my God, I love that. And then he becomes like, and you watch it,

you go, it was always meant to be this way. But it wasn't in the script. There was no man at the end of the bed. There are no mistakes in art. No mistakes. Follow the signs. That's so beautiful. Yeah. But if that happened in Drifters, then we would have gone for another take. Can we get the creepy guy from the end of the bed, please?

Sound guy's in shot. Bokeh! creepy guy from the end of the bed please sound guys in shot bogey who is the creepy guy at the end of the bed where's security Brett you're not in this scene it's me yes you said you wanted me to get my bum out again put your bum away Brett get out from the end of the bed. Good stuff. Right, okay. We might not have time to do a whole perfect day and night.

So what I'm thinking is, genuinely, we might just do your perfect day and then you can come back on again and do your perfect night. Okay. Perfect half day. But also, I talk about shrinking. You want to talk about shrinking, yeah. We don't have all the scripts done when we start

because you find as you make it like, oh, these two characters, we've written, let's say the first six, we are filming episode two and you go, this is more, there's more here with this. So then we can write to that and then make, and the whole thing, I hope, feels very complete and like it was all planned and it was all planned, but some of it was planned near the end. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It is quite unique to the American way of doing things. Cause we just,

I mean, especially in comedy, we just, we just sort of churn out six half hour episodes. You can't really change as you go too much. I am so dreading groceries this week. Why? You can skip it. Oh what, just like that? Just like that. How about dinner with my third cousin? Skip it. Prince Fluffy's favorite treats? Skippable. Midnight snacks? Skip. My neighbor's nightly saxophone practices? Nope, you're on your own there. Could've skipped it.

Should've skipped it. Skip to the good part and get groceries, meals, and more delivered right to your door on Skip. This episode is brought to you by Dyson On Track. Dyson On Track headphones offer best-in-class noise cancellation and an enhanced sound range, making them perfect for enjoying music and podcasts. Get up to 55 hours of listening with active noise-cancelling-enabled, soft microfiber cushions engineered for comfort, and a range of colors and finishes.

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and player props, or combine your bets in a same game parlay for a shot at an even bigger payout. Plus, with super simple live betting, Although we did a little bit in avoidance, well just in so far as I was, my character was supposed to be written out completely. So when I get in the taxi, in the first series I get in a taxi and leave and the idea was that I was not coming back. But we had such a nice time, they were like, oh, we'll bring you back they brought you back. series I suppose so we have to make it look slightly ambiguous when you leave you have to say something like see you at home. see you at the end of the bed.

I think yeah it's important to sort of evolve with your with your show. Okay. Okay, Brett, it's time. There's so much I want to talk to you about. But we simply must. We simply must hear your perfect day. Shall we crack on? Kick it! Brett Goldstein, what's your perfect morning? I cannot wait. I think it's going to be work, work, perfect morning, working, perfect afternoon, working, perfect night, working. There's a work perfect day and there's a holiday perfect day. Okay, great.

I've left it all behind. Okay. So which... So let's start with your perfect morning. Which is your perfect morning? Ha ha. Skip. Admit it.

Admit it, you're working. No. Admit it, admit it, you're working. No, I mean, the perfect morning, the perfect time I've left it all behind is pretty fucking great to be fair. Okay, well, which is it? Well, let's do that actually. Let's pretend I... Let's pretend you don't, let's pretend you're not a workaholic.

Yes. Okay. Let's pretend I've really like sorted myself out and so wake up. I'm in the Caribbean. Sorry, Jess. Oh, don't live here anymore. I live in the Caribbean. You actually live in the Caribbean. So you're in your home in the Caribbean.

Yeah. OK. And it's and I live right by the sea. What kind of what kind of house is it? It's a villa. What's stopping you from living in the Caribbean now? I work. Right. Okay got it. Look, the plan is do as much as I can, have a heart attack at 50, retire, move to Marbella's. Oh right, okay got it. You'll hate that but yeah. Wake up. Now somehow I don't, here's a question for you.

Subnote, I sleep terribly, terrible sleeper. Always sleep terrible. When you wake up, here's what I don't understand about my brain, and I don't know if this is the same as your brain. You're a very thinker. When you wake up, when I see people wake up in films, they often go like this. Where am I?

That sort of vibe. For the listener, Brett is blinking and looking around. Like confused, where am I? What year is this? Who am I? Oh, oh, oh, I'm awake. Yeah, yeah, yeah. This is how I wake up at whatever time it is.

Anyways, I'm gonna turn on the song on the jukebox. Da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da

da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da Is it like get up and you just write? No, it's just mad like just just constant a fire and a song usually a catchy song. Really? Yeah, always a song. Can't shut it down. So have you got a thing then? You got one of the things? What's the thing? The AD, HD or something like that? Oh possibly yeah probably. Yeah. Okay so you're waking up raising thoughts, but that's your normal morning. No, but this is, no, in my perfect day, this is how I wake up. Blinking, looking around, smiling. Happy.

Like, I'm not like, can't I need more sleep? I'm like, I think I've got enough sleep. Oh, yeah. How much sleep is enough sleep? I'd need to catch up. It'd be about five to six years of like, you think I got enough sleep. Oh yeah, how much sleep is enough sleep? I'd need to catch up, it'd be about five to six years. Right. You know what I mean? I wake up like, ah, I feel refreshed.

How many hours sleep on average do you normally get? Four. Four? Pretty boy. I know, he's not well. How many hours sleep did you have last night? Two. Two?

How are you even- Da da da da da da? How are you even stringing a sentence together? I interviewed Joe Lysett on Four Hours Sleep the other day. It was an absolute shit show. And that is good. People will have heard it by now and they'll go, yeah, it was terrible. I mean, not doing much better today on seven to eight. But I don't know how you're doing this. I wake up, right, before the Sun is about to rise. You've pulled it back to the former I

appreciate it. I know that that is the guest job. Someone's got to do it. I resent that. Everyday Perfect Day at gmail.com. Also I love that you say that because on the last episode you said, everyday at gmail.com. Obviously I'm not going to read them. Did I? No, because I don't read them. Lucy reads them. To be honest, do you know what? I do read them and I have replied to some of them, the nice ones. A personal reply you'll get from me if you actually bother your arse to send me an email. Anyway, go on. Perfect morning, what is it? So Sunrise, right. I was like, would I do this? Yeah, maybe, right. I go sit out on

the deck. I don't know if I'm going to do this, but I should do this because it would be good for you. Free writing, six pages. Right, so you are working. Well, just trying to get, you know, it's like a meditation or meditate okay forget the free writing. Meditate with the sea. Then sun is rising right sit there watch the sunrise. Beautiful. Go for a swim. I'm gonna go for a swim in the sea. Really long swim. 40 minutes. I'm down the sea. Go really really far out, get right into the middle of the sea, look out at the world, realise that you're an insignificant speck and that

we're all just God's creature and God is the sun. And then swim back, swim back. There's a lady in my bed by the way, did I mention that? I was going to ask. Did I mention that? Who is she? What does her father do? Heavily pregnant! She never walks behind me!

She doesn't sit behind me! Always in front, where I can see her! Lovely lady, beautiful! Not that that's her main attribute, but wonderful personality as well! She has a bloody laugh! What's her personality like? Funny. We laugh. God, we cry laughing. Funny. Very beautiful.

So, have I mentioned that? Second most important thing about her? Who does she look like, dead or alive? Your mum. No, not like my mum, no. Your sister. There's a line in the film about, there's a line in the film about, I saw him and I felt like, I felt like I was family. Yes, I felt like I was amongst family and I said, I don't think you should bang him then.

That was a great joke. Who does she look like, or if she's so beautiful? Bond or Brunette? Don't mind. You must have an image of a woman. Yeah. Who's Brett Goldstein's fantasy woman? Who are we talking? Who are we talking?

You're talking, yeah. I don't like to say real people. So we'd have to draw her. I've trapped you and you've backed out. We'd have to draw her. There's a pen and paper here. Okay. There's a pen and paper. I'll describe the drawing as you're doing it because this is an audio format. It's got quite a long hair. I'm not as great. It's like a head or

a body or a boob. That's a head. Oh, it's a head. Okay. She's got really long hair. I think down to the waist. It's waist length. She's got a very long neck. Oh no, that's her body. Sorry, the neck sort of just goes into the shoulders, I suppose. This is the best day of my life. Enormous. Okay, okay. So she's got a massive head and she's got two breasts that are the same size as her head. She's got no... She's wearing flippers. She's very skinny.

She's wearing flippers. She's got waist-length hair but only on one side. And she's got an enormous bum. Her feet are like flippers because she's really goodnessy. We'll have a nice time. She's got very flat long feet for swimming. She's like half dolphin. She's part fish. Yeah, she's the little mermaid.

Oh my god, it's like um... She's the little mermaid. That's the little mermaid. My dream woman is the little mermaid. Oh, no, I was thinking of not Splash, the other movie that's just the same as Splash. The Little Mermaid. I can't remember. Sally Hawkins.

The Shape of Water. Yeah. The film that perfectly and accurately describes the fact that men will fuck anything. And I'll put this picture on Instagram to accompany this episode of Perfect Day. Can we give her gills so that it's clear that she can swim? And by the way, she's got no facial features, just a blank face. Just a blank expressionless face. So you wake up with this...

I'm not an artist. You wake up... I wake up with this scary fish woman. With this scary fish woman. She's not scary to me, other people are scared of her because of her blank face. But they don't realise what a glowing personality she has. But that's kind of why she's special to me because she's got a blank face. Some people find it difficult to read but I'm like you don't know her like I know. She's a bloody good laugh and can swim for three minutes underwater. We communicate through touch and through...

Sonar. Sonar. Sonar. Yeah. Yeah. Right. So mermaid lady in bed, you go for a swim. Yeah.

I've gone for a swim on my own. Yeah. But then I've come back to bed with mermaid lady. Me and mermaid lady have sexual intercourse, if you don't mind. No, not at all. What kind? Um, sort of, oh, in the shower. Because she needs to be wet. She needs to be in water. She's in front of you, obviously, the entire time.

Of course she's in front of me. I'm not letting her sit behind me. There's no reach-arounds around here. No, thank you. So... We're in the shower on the sink. It's a bathroom. Sexy shower sex. Sexy bathroom.

Yeah. OK, great. Then we have breakfast, again by the sea with the sun. And breakfast. This is a world where I'm not insane. And breakfast is like waffles and shit. What do you mean when you're not insane? You know where I would eat you know waffles

Where you actually eat carbohydrates So on your perfect day you eat carbohydrates Oh yeah I'd be eating enough stuffing bread and remembering what that tastes like Okay so you're eating waffles So we're eating waffles We're having eggs and sausages We're having cinnamon and sausages. We're having cinnamon taste crunch. Lucky charms.

What a breakfast. Lucky charms. Lucky charms. I've gone mad on this perfect day. Sugar crazy. Then me and the mermaid lady get on a moped. She's on the back. This is the only time she's allowed behind me.

You're slipping off. Oh, yeah, okay. She's on a moped, holding on. And we ride around the island. Wind in our... Romantic moped ride. Yeah. Then we go to a beach on the other side of the island

and we get, we get... lounges? Sun lounges. Sun lounges, thank you. Have a little sunbathe. And we read a really good book, a novel. Together. A great American novel. No, she's

reading, maybe we're reading the same book and we're like, have you got to the, you know what I mean? Chatting about the book, love that. Have you read a really good book recently, Brett? I'm reading one called The Beasting. Ah. Have you heard of it? I've heard of it, yeah. It's fantastic, so far. Have you read All Fours by Miranda Child? No, but I know I have to. Yeah you do. Anyone who is a woman in their 40s or has any interaction with a woman in their 40s plus needs to read that book. You need to write a book as well. About? Your, about a, I think you write very well about a particular thing and I think you know what that is and I think you should write about it. What? No, I don't. What is it? Well all the things that you write about sex and love.

Sex and love and relationships. Yeah. All the things we're interested in. I wouldn't say sex. Drifters is all sex. I know but it... okay. Anyway we're not talking, we're not here to talk about me Brett. We're here to talk about how underrated Drifters is. Stop! Please. Okay. I don't like the format now. Right so we are, we're on a moped, we've read a book. Now we're having lunch with friends who've all been staying at the villa. What do you mean staying in the same villa?

Yeah but this has been separate, you know it's a big, everyone's in separate zones but now we're all coming together for lunch and you know it's all the people you love are there, the birthday girls are there, Lou and Luke are there, you're there, we're all there, it's all fucking you It's all fucking, you know, a little fucking... Commune? A little commune, it's a commune basically. It's the dream. Yes, and every time, you know, I've been on holiday with the birthday girls and Lou and

Luke and been like, why don't we just do this? Why don't we live together? All the time. We always say it and then we all go back to our lives. Why don't we do it? Why are we pretending that we have to do the other thing? Why am I pretending? Why aren't I living in the Caribbean? All good questions. Perfect morning please. All right. So we're all having lunch and all that. We're having a right old laugh. And then, let's say that's, you know, we've had a, I might have a nap then. Oh, a post-brandial nap.

Yeah, I'll have a little nap. Then we're either having pool fun or sea fun. Doesn't matter which, does it? Doesn't matter which. We're getting- What does pool fun look like? Is it a game? It looks like me putting someone on my shoulders,

hiding under the water, jumping up, them jumping as high as they can. Marco Polo. It's a paddleboard, two people on it trying to unbalance each other. It's like gladiators with all the things you can do in the water. It's jumping and trying to get in the ring, in the inflatable ring. Handstand competition. Me and Hugh Skinner doing synchronised, in the inflatable ring. It's me and- Handstand competition. Me and Hugh Skinner doing synchronized swimming for the rest of the group.

Exactly. Put some classical music on. Exactly that, it's that. It's doing underwater tea party. It's doing underwater singing, what's this song? Underwater, what am I saying? Yes. It's doing, who am I as I walk into the water? What's my job? Yes.

It's doing I will enter the water in as a verb. What verb am I? Yes. Oh my God. It's basically drama games. It's fun. It's drama games. We sound insufferable, but it is fun. I really want to go. We've never, I really want to go on holiday with you. I'm good on holiday. I bet you are. But let's keep going. Tell me more. Is there any... Oh, hang on. Are we in? Oh, I'll tell you one more thing in the water now. We've had lunch.

Oh yeah, we've already reached the end of the... Stop. Stop because we need to do the jingle. Can you do it live? That's going to be smooth. Can you do it live?. You do it live? That's going to be smooth. Can you do it live? Can we do it live? Yeah, OK. Let's do this. We're going to do this one live.

Perfect afternoon! Yeah, right then. Ah! Lovely stuff. Absolutely lovely. I saw Brett cringe then. No, I loved it. He cringed.

I did not. I was happy. So we're into your perfect afternoon already, because we've started, we've kicked off your perfect afternoon. Yeah, we're back in the water. I mean, we're spending most of this day in the water. The other thing that I'm now up to is sort of got obsessed with that film, The Deepest Breath. Do you see that? Oh my God.

And now I've wanted to just do that all the time. And I've been working on- You watched it to the end, right? Yeah, I did watch it to the end. And now I've been working on holding my breath underwater. How long can you hold your breath for? Oh my god. But it's quite funny because it just looks like I'm dead

in a pool. It's not funny. I don't like it. And so someone has to stand near me because otherwise someone will be like, do you know how long I did it for? After building it up over three minutes 29 seconds. What? Yes. Brett you can hold your breath for three minutes 29 seconds. I did it, I really built up to it but that's like doing nothing that was just floating face down in the pool looking like a corpse. floating face down in the pool looking like a corpse. That's so crazy. How did you get up, how did you do that? I don't know that we should be advertising, you have to do this professionally but it's all a mental thing, it's all like shut down everything, shut down everything,

don't think about anything. Wow. But don't try it at home. That's extraordinary. Definitely, definitely don't do it with anyone not near you. You have to have someone, we have a friend with you because you go like make it okay every 15 seconds so that they're not like hang on. So who do you do this with? I did it with Luke McQueen. No you weren't. I was. We were just on holiday. We just did it in a pub. So Luke McQueen would give you the kiss of life if you would turn, if you came with your eyes all rolled into the back of your head. Have you ever done conscious connected breath work? Please tell me all about it. It's crazy.

Tell me all about it. And it's sort of like Wim Hof. All of this stuff. And I also, as having this conversation with a friend the other day, I think people who are extraordinarily creative and gifted and talented are somehow this is really... I am going deep guys. Please. But I do think that they have a connection to their breath, which is a connection to life and life, the life force, right? I love this. Go on. Example musicians. Okay. Example Taylor Swift.

Okay. Yeah. Magic. Who is an extraordinary force of a woman. Yes. Has changed the world actually. Saved cinema. Minimum. Minimum cinema. Minimum. Minimum.

She has to breathe deeply in order to sing like that. You can't sing unless you can breathe. Yeah. For real. Okay, that's just one example and I would say that's the same probably for every sit for Beyonce, for Chappellrone, for... Billie Joe. Snoop. Snoop needs to breathe and he's got a smoke. I'm not sure if Snoop's breathing actually. But could it be that the better you are at breathing, the better you are at life, the better you are at your creative... I love this.

Anyway, it's mad, but you feel amazing afterwards and you have some ideas as well sometimes. How often do you do this? Well I was doing it every week over the summer but I've stopped doing it now. Do you do it on your own now? A bit. Does the woman, you're on your own 101 right? Yeah. Is she sat over you?

Yeah she sits next to me and sometimes she'll put her hands on me. But then I did do a group one and there is nothing, it was a group of women. I've never heard the sound. It was the sound of witches. Really? It was like the, it was like the, it was like a cartoon sound of witchcraft. That's cool. Because people are like laughing. It's breathing.

A group of women all doing that. and then some more go hahahaha, oooh, like people are just letting out whatever, it's so crazy. And it goes on for like an hour and then, and you feel like connected to all the people in the room even if you don't know them. Wow. I love this stuff. It's only breathing in and out, what the hell? Well, I think we've all forgotten right? Everyone's so stressed holding it in, looking at their phones. Yeah. They need to go, ha, moo or I was about to do the cry and a little bit of burp came out. So when you're breathing with Luke McQueen, tell me about your experience and relationship

to your breath work, Brett. Can I just check? Because it's just dangerous and you have to, and I'm not a professional and I've not been working with a professional and this is all just reading. You've just been working with the comedian Luke McQueen. I've been working with the comedian Luke McQueen.

But I've read a lot and I absolutely would not encourage this with anyone. But what is interesting about it is it is like a meditation thing as well because you have to, you realize, that I just got this from reading stuff. Everything, every thought you have is energy expended. Every move is even doing that, even making the OK sign is energy expended. So if you want to preserve this breath that you are holding, you sort of have to reduce everything inside.

You have to shut down everything. You have to shut down everything. You have to shut down movement. You also have to shut down brain. It's also very dangerous and I can see why people would pass out because you can get, I think, in a dangerous place and be like, oh this is very peaceful. Oh, I'm dead. So what you could do, couldn't you, is not do it in water. I don't think it's dangerous to practice breathing and I think Wim Hof is the guy. I don't think it's dangerous to practice breathing. And I think Wim Hof is the guy. Don't you think that's a good place to start?

Don't do it in the water without a specialist. I like your somatic breathing. Yeah, whatever it is. That sounds much better. I want to join the witches. I think the idea of it is that when you breathe, it is that you're doing it consciously. So it's not like meditating. It's not that you're not suppressing or repressing any of your thoughts at all. You're not trying to feel at peace.

You're actually breathing in the pain and letting it go. You're actually like sitting in it, in the discomfort. Yes. Because did I tell you about when I did you know and when I went to do mushrooms no I went and did my psychedelic retreat tell me one of the things that I discovered was that I don't allow I'm I'm very bad at allowing negative thoughts into my life yeah that I don That I don't like discomfort and pain so I just block it out. The mushroom told me that. Yes. And so I had to figure out how to let it in. Yeah. How's that? Teach me that. I mean this is why I work. But breathing. Oh you just gotta breathe. Breathing innit? And then it passes through.

But it's so simple, it's like, it's so simple and it's free. That's why we don't know about it. I think, don't you? Because of capitalism, yeah. Because of capitalism, but genuinely, nobody's sold it to us because you can't sell it. So that's why we don't know about it.

You know I feel this way about the Sun. Go on. Oh yeah please because I love the Sun as well. I know, I think I know what you mean. I think, I think I know what you're gonna say. I think the Sun is God. Yeah. And I think, and I think that perhaps religion was a sort of misspelling and it was always the Sun is God and we got slightly confused and a lot of staff got, we got sort of sent off track and it was like you don't need any of this stuff, the Sun is God and it's just there and all you have to do is look at it and you're connected to the universe. If you, if you like sit, if you, when you're meditating or you're like thinking about something that you want

and you do it in sunlight. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's so much more powerful. It's like a battery. It's like a, it's like you're plugging in, isn't it? The sea, the sun and the sea. I sleep well by the sea. Me too.

Are you saying we've got five minutes left? Right, okay. Let's finish your perfect afternoon. We've talked so much. I think we have to cut the last 20 minutes because I think we sound like insane people. I don't care. We've gone from like, yeah, yeah, yeah, to like, the sun is God. But Brett, we've got like, there's so much to talk about.

I know. Can you come back on and talk about your perfect night? Because I do want to ask you- I've got a really fun night as well, yeah. No, it's too late. You'd love the night. You've got to go, I've got to go present the RTS awards. North Branch.

You'd love the night. I'm just saying. Can I just ask you one more question? Yeah. What's a piece of perfection you'd recommend from the week? This is a new thing we're trying. I want you to recommend something that could make our listeners week more perfect.

I saw the film, My Old Ass. My old ass? Have you seen it? No. It's so good. Megan Park wrote and directed it and it is like my perfect kind of film in that you go, you know, we talked about this. The one thing I was taught as a writer and I tried to apply it to everything and I think

it's the most important lesson is you have to love all of your characters. I hope you've felt that in the film, these characters may be doing difficult things, but we love, I empathize with everyone in it. If no one's a bad guy, I love them all. My old ass is a kind of, on the surface, it's kind of a fun, silly idea about a 39 year old, a 19 year old, 20 year old girl doing mushrooms and she sees herself as a 39 year old.

Oh, that's right. And they communicate with each other and it's like, don't do this, do do this. And, but actually, it's so beautiful, it's really funny, but it made me cry. And it's so, it reminded me of Lady Bird. It's so specific. I watch it go, yes, all of this, all of this, I feel all of this. It's such a brilliant bit of work. We have just scratched the surface today, haven't we? And I knew it would be that way. Yes.

Well, I knew it would be that way because I've listened to the podcast. Brett Goldstein, go fuck yourself and thanks for coming on Perfect Day. Jessica Knappett, I really love this. It's been so lovely to spend time with you and I wish we had more time to spend together and I wish you a perfect day. It's my line! Thanks for coming on Brett, honestly. I love you. We can't keep closing it, but I'm going to try again. No, it's been so lovely to see you and I love you so much and I'm wishing you... What are you doing for the rest of the day? I'm wishing you... What are you doing for the rest of the day? No, can I just say from Yorkshire, Wimbledon, I'm wishing you a perfect day.

Yay! There it is, there he goes. Thank you so much to Brett for making it to us, for surviving on so little sleep and for so perfectly capturing his perfect woman in ink. To see his illustration, head to our Instagram at Perfect Daycast. And you know, if that's you, a faceless semi-mermaid with a stonking personality, then I guess get in touch. And what a coup! Drifter's 10 featuring Hot Scott and his bum coming to a screen near you. Possibly. Anyway, look, again, apologies for not doing the whole format, but… well, I sort of don't care because it was great, wasn't it? But don't worry because Brett

will be back at some point in the future and that's only a good thing and we'll find out you know what happens after his midday sexy mermaid swim. We've got absolutely loads, loads of brilliant new episodes lined up for you guys, including but not limited to, Cariad Lloyd, Nish Kumar, Jesse Cave, and talking of drifters we'll also be recording an extra special Drifters Perfect Day Christmas episode, obviously. Ding dong, merrily on high. So like and subscribe and follow us on our Perfect Day cast for all your Perfect Day news. From Yorkshire with love, I'm Jessica Knappett, wishing you a perfect day.