Perfect Day with Jessica Knappett - EP18: Ahir Shah

Episode Date: November 21, 2024

This week’s guest is 2023’s Edinburgh award winner, Ahir Shah who joins Jess to tell her all about his perfect day. The pair discuss the secret bonuses of jet lag, the seven deadly sins, the Thameslink and its similarities to Rishi Sunak, tax returns and the best and worst pizza - Chicago Town. This is Ahir Shah’s perfect day... enjoy!! Like and subscribe for brand-new episodes every Thursday. And please do leave us a review if you feel like it. xxx Follow us on Instagram @perfectdaycast. And, why not get in touch? Email us at: [e-mail] Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Different shops can be the worst shop at different times. Hello Perfect Dayers. I'm Jessica Knappett and you are a living organism that responds to a stimulus. Welcome to Perfect Day. Today's perfect guest is the formidable and very funny comedian. He was the winner of the 2023, I think that's how you say it, Edinburgh Fringe Comedy Prize. It's Ahir Shah. And my God, what a funny perfect day. There are highs and lows, some real lows in my opinion, but

as we find out in Ahir's life, he likes a balance between good and bad. We discuss the secret bonuses of jet lag. I try to remember the seven deadly sins. We talk about tiny pizzas, the Thames Link, tax returns and the pride of grandmothers. Can you guess which one of those I hated? Yeah, grandmothers, obviously. Yep, yep, yep, you're not wrong. Ladies and gentlemen, please enjoy Ahir Shah's Perfect Day. I'm not proud of and inspired by the Thameslink for racial reasons. Alright then. Have you ever had a normal job or have you always been a comedian? Always been a comedian. Really?

I worked at a school for quite a long time but it was mainly just like sitting in lessons and doing homework and that's yeah I was you mean you were a child right did you ever get to do any adjudicating of any examination adjudicate adjudicating is that what it's called adjudicating have I got the right no it's not invigilating oh god invigilating that's a word that no one uses in any other context yeah That's why I couldn't remember it. It took me a while adjudicating, no, invigilating. What's it, it's like yesterday when I, I for, I think had to look up what the seven deadly sins were.

And I was just like, you never think of avarice as a word. You don't, oh my god. There's no other situation. I was like, oh, you heard about Steve, very avaricious actually. I actually don't really know what avar- I can't really remember what avar- Just say greed. But gluttony is different to avarice. Yeah. Yeah. You see that's the thing. We all just conflate the two and say greed, don't we? It's like it's somewhere in between avarice and gluttony.

Yeah. Because gluttony is specific to food. I've been a glutton this lunchtime. Have you been a glutton? And I'll do it again. I hear have you been a glutton yet today? I've not been a glutton. I had a very light lunch. But I look forward to, listen, I anticipate gluttony.

Do you have gluttony planned for the day? I had gluttony planned for a few weeks. Avaricious? No, no, avaricious currently. It's not on the... Are you not avaricious? I'm not right now. But are you avaricious about anything?

I don't know. I have relatively simple tastes. I don't particularly want for much. Money? Everything. I'm quite avaricious. I would love loads of money. Would you?

Yeah, that would be quite good, to be fair. But like, I don't know how I would acquire loads of money. Comedy. Yeah, but that's just what I'm doing now. Like, as in like- Just more comedy. I don't play the lottery. The more jokes.

The more jokes the more. Isn't it, isn't it? It's like- Yeah, yeah, yeah. Wonder how much money it is. Have you worked it out? It's a pound of jokum out of the bread line. Talk to me about what you've been up to. You've done a stand-up special for Netflix.

Yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And it's out. What's it called? Yes. There is a special called Ahir Shah Ends that is out on Netflix at the moment. And I am taking the sort of live version of that on tour the sort of first few months of 2025 is the one that's coming up, isn't it? Whoa.

Planning ahead. Are you gonna be in the North of England at all? I'm gonna be in the North of England. I'm gonna be in the South of England. The West, the East. How many dates? You betcha, baby. How many dates are you doing?

I have no idea. Loads, is it loads? I think that, like 30 or something. are you doing? I have no idea! Loads, is it loads? I think that, like 30 or something? Have you been? You can, Ireland, we'll mention Ireland. Is this your first tour? No, but it's my first time performing in Ireland and it's very exciting because my wife is from Ireland. So I'll be performing in Dublin and all of her family will come and see me.

And it's the first day of the tour and will definitely be the most high pressure. Oh my gosh. I've got no family in Yeovil. Take the pressure off. I've been to Yeovil before, for the people of Yeovil. Sure, I care, but I don't care care. You know, in the same way that, like, if your wife's family are a thing, obviously you're going to care more about that.

Yeah, yeah. I don't even know where Yeovil is. Can we just go back to the... South West, lovely place. Can we go back to the Seven Deadly Sins? Yes. Why were you looking up the Seven Deadly Sins? I was looking up the Seven Deadly Sins because I was writing something about the seven social sins, which is a list that was originally done by the Church of England clergyman, spoken in Westminster Abbey in 1925.

And then... Murdering conversation. Oh no, hang on, that's not what I'm thinking of. Okay, so what are the seven deadly sins? Lust? Yeah. So is it a social sin would be lusting after someone at the party. Is that what it is? Yeah, so the seven deadly sins, what's it? Lust, pride, gluttony, avarice, sloth. Sloth.

Alan, we're missing two. Trying to think of the film. Wroth. Oh yeah, wroth, yeah. Wroth and sloth. What's the? That's seven. That was seven, wasn't it? Avarice, greed, lust.

Avarice and greed are the same one. No, avarice, gluttony, lust, sloth. Pride? Yeah. Did we say pride? Roth. Roth. We've already said sloth.

We said sloth. Sloth, gluttony, lust, envy, wrath. Envy! Which one are you? Which one are you? Which one do you have the most? I like this because it's like you're playing Power Rangers. Top trumps. I'm the blue one.

So I today am Sloth. You can be gluttony. So you were just reading it because it's interesting it's hell yeah should we crack on yeah you're here to talk to us today about your perfect day and i'm very very excited to hear it let's do it ah here let's have please. Your perfect morning. So, my sister was born in a different country. Basically, it's called the United States of America. She's eight years older than me, but she was given the opportunity to move there for 18 months for work. This is now not quite 10 years ago but uh and so i once was she and she lived in

a place called new york it's not not york um anyway she was born in the new world and so i once went to visit her in the new world um and this was a time where as it like nothing was happening in my career i would wake up very late uh every day. Everything because there was nothing to do. All right. I was just like, well, I'm going to wake up, probably make some lunch in my house, because it's lunchtime, sit in my house, make some dinner in my house and then go and do a gig.

And you're in London, this is New York. In the regular world, not the new world. Yeah. Crucially, I was waking up very late. And so when I went to the new world and I was staying on her sofa, when I was over there, because you understand that you go backwards in time when you go there, it's very odd. Oh, right, yeah, time zones.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, there are these lines on the earth and they're time zones. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, there are these lines on the earth and they're not real. Right, yeah, yeah, yeah. We just made them up and said that they're all based around South London. Yes. Which if you think about it is really metal, like as a thing to do, that's sick. It is, isn't it? Do you know what I mean? Like, GMT baby. Yeah, if I know, because like technically that's also the time zone for Lisbon. No one calls it LMT, do they though? No, no, I don't think so.

No one even knows what that means. Meantime. Meantime. Insane. Okay. So you went back in time, right? Yes. And because I was waking up very late, when I went back in time over there, I woke up very early. Oh, yes.

Right. But actually, at the sort of time that one would wake up if one had a really like, high power productive job. Oh, wow. So like five, six, talking. And it felt amazing. because I wasn't like- You weren't tired. I wasn't tired, yeah, like slept a normal amount, but it's just my regular thing had shifted back. You were on GMT and GMT put you in baller mode.

CEO. Yeah, yeah. GMT made CEO. GMT as a standup comedian, that is sort of like 24 years old, was like C-suite time in New York. And so I would wake up there and it was incredible. I'd be out like, I'd be out there, get up on the sofa,

or admittedly that didn't feel particularly CEO. I don't know, but like CEO who's argued with his wife or something, finds himself in that scenario. And I wake up very early, sort of make a nice hot drink or something, myself and my sister. I don't know, as long as she'd go off to work, I'd go, I got a bagel. I'd be wandering around. I'd be experiencing things. I don't think I'm so...

You were ahead of the game. I was extremely ahead of the game yeah that's a really good feeling yeah you know how like old people wake up really early but they're happy about it mmm because you need less sleep as you get older apparently yeah which is what and so I felt like that and so I would say that that's the perfect morning perfect start yeah yeah absolutely great so you're up and you're on bonus time That's the perfect morning. Perfect start. Yeah. Absolutely. Great. So you're up and you're on bonus time and then what happens next? Is that not enough?

Oh, right. I don't know. Like, what are you going to do with the morning? Just that? Just like be awake early, but then you've got all the morning ahead of you. And being, you know, just like, I've got a bagel. That's the thing from Ghostbusters. It's wonderful.

So you're wandering around New York and seeing the sights on your perfect morning. Is that what you're saying? Yes, I think so. And crucially alone. Right, okay. It's very, very important that I'm alone. Right, okay.

Are you not really a fan of people then? I'm a tremendous fan of people, but on my perfect morning, it's just me. Yeah. I don't want to have to be like, like ducky because someone wants to go in there. No, no, no, you need to be on your own. I'm just looking at the thing from Ghostbusters. So on, on a normal, I don't even know what that is. I've never seen it. The thing from Ghostbusters. Yeah. So on your, on a normal morning, then,

are you, how, how is it different? different? What time are you rolling out of bed under normal sex? Who's there? It sucks! A normal morning, what? No, the thing is is that I said it sucks before you said who's there, the answer to which is my wife. And therefore it now feels as though I'm being extraordinarily offensive to the woman I love.

We'll road back, shall we? Right. And of course, the best part is that I open my eyes and she's the first thing I see. It's awful. I have to get out and then I have a shower and then there's work. Do you hate the feeling of waking up? Some people genuinely are morning persons, morning people aren't they? Do you really not like it? person's morning people aren't they? Do you really not like it? I don't know, I don't like the fact that whenever you wake up and you have like a really good morning of like getting stuff done etc etc you inevitably go like oh this is better like

that's the best way to do it. Yeah. Right? And it takes the pressure off, you're not sort of rushing for anything later in the day, etc. And then I hate myself for realizing that because it would require me to be a better person than I am. Do you know what I mean? It's like when you it's like I remember this period when I was like 26, 27 or so and in a particularly awful, depressive episode. And I just briefly like started going for a run.

And it worked. It does work. I was furious. So annoying, isn't it? I know. So awful. I ate fruit and I went for a run and it was great. I was like, oh, right.

So you're telling me that the best cure for the way that I am feeling right now, which is like medically sad, is something that requires me to be a better version of myself. But like the fact that- I just have to do that. But I know I'm not capable of being that better version of myself.

But clearly you are. Therefore I was for a brief period and I was like, run, run, run, run, run. Maybe it's not so bad. Yeah, and then maybe I can stop now. Yeah. I think I wanted to, like, it's so unpleasant eating healthily and going for a run the entire time

that I was like, well, if it means I can stop that, then I'm willing not to feel suicidally depressed. Oh my god. So are you having to keep up with this then? Is it get up, go for a run? Is that a normal morning? No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, on the phone, it's the Financial Times app. Right. And then I read the news and then I get like,

and that's actually a fine way to start the day. It's not like, if someone reads The Guardian when they wake up or before they fall asleep, like sometimes my wife will read The Guardian website before falling asleep. I'm like, why are you doing that to yourself? Right. It's not gonna be good.

No. When have you ever gone on The Guardian and they just be like, it's all fine actually. Maybe like the nice little, like the Observer magazine at the weekend has some nice stuff. Yeah, that's nice. But like, The Guardian is basically just like, it would be much quicker if it was just in massive letters just said, it's all fucked and it's your fault. Yeah. Oh, great. Okay. Now I feel like that.

Especially climate change. Yeah, yeah, yeah. There's a lot of climate change. You've done that right now in bed. Also, have you thought about the fact that you're not paying us enough to tell you that? Just to give you that little bit of extra guilt at the end of everything you just read.

Look, this is what we're dealing with. Yeah, you feel like there are those, um... There are people who, like, pay people online to be mean to them. The Guardian is basically like a not sexy dominatrix that you're not really paying for what you should be paying for and being told to pay more for. It's like watching Attenborough or something. It's like, you know, you pay your license fee and then like every so often

David Attenborough tells you that everything's on fire and it's your fault. I didn't do this! Ah, that's great. So, you've gone round New York, you've seen the lovely Ghostbusters things and is there anything else that you want to add to your perfect morning? The simple taste is a cream cheese bake from from Tompkins and then yeah and then I will go there and I will look at there's a park near there and it's very small and every time I walk

past it I was like that's too small have a bigger park you can't just have one big one that's mental so I do that and is it what what sort of season are we in winter summer I'm giving you examples I think you know what the seasons are but I I'm just filling the air time. Yeah. Yeah. About it. I think let's, let's go with, let's go with autumn because then I can experience someone saying a novel word for something that I consider to be

called autumn, you know, fall and then everyone would be calling it fall. Yeah. Autumn in New York, I think very nice. Do you want one of those crisp blue sky days? But what I would like, I was once there when there were a large number of people, apparently this happens annually, I don't understand this, I'd never experienced it before.

Right, but there were a very large number of people dressed up as Santa Claus. And then they were all dressed up as this and they all go for this pub crawl dressed as Father Christmas. Oh, right, yeah. And by this time, my sister had experienced this once before, by the time that I saw it for the first time. And so she was very jaded by the whole experience. Whereas I thought it was remarkable. I'd never seen this sort of thing. And she was like, oh, no, but then

later in the day, they all cause problems and everything. But we're not talking about later in the day, we're talking about the morning. Right? So I would like the autumn morning in New York, waking up at CEO time, but just wandering around having a bagel and everyone's dressed as Santa Claus. Wow. That's great. Funnily enough, we've not had that. That's the first time anyone, believe it or not, that's the first time anyone said that. Okay so we're in New York, we've had a CEO morning, we've had coffee, we've had a bagel, everyone's dressed as Santa on a crisp autumn day. Actually, you say it back like that, I'm like, oh that does sound really nice. Also, the really lovely thing is, you know, like, you occasionally get these moments where

you, like maybe you, you know, you're writing your wedding speech or something like that, and you write down a sentence and everything and you're like oh that's lovely and then you realize like oh that's a thing that literally happened to me or like that's a thing that I genuinely feel about this other person and it's wonderful uh it's like are you just like take a step back from it you're like how lucky am I uh like I did like there was all right admittedly it wasn't simultaneously the autumn and everyone dressed as Santa Claus, but there were like several mornings where I got to wake up on the sofa in my sister's flat and wander around New York City of a morning and then when she was

done with work we'd go for a drink, you have some dinner, everything. Brilliant! Yeah. I mean, can you live like that now if you wanted to? No, no, no. Why not? She doesn't live in New York. She lives in Rimas, yeah. It's amazing. I don't think I've ever heard anyone describe Jet, like, positively, but there is, I suppose, yeah, it's like the perfect meeting of like somebody who basically just lives like a slob,

who sort of lives as if they are jet lagged anyway, because it is a kind of jet lag when you're sort of that young, isn't it? You just like you go to bed, what, like three in the morning or whatever. I mean, what time were you waking up? Like, waking up like 11, 12? It's madness. There probably isn't a normal day for you but if there was, are you very disciplined? I mean you strike me as someone who probably treats their job very carefully and takes it quite seriously. You've already said this morning, you've been writing this morning, you've been researching. Do you get up, get to the desk, get your laptop open?

I don't believe any comedian who says that that's how... Because sometimes you'll hear interviews with comedians who will talk about like, yeah you know like I just treat it like a job you know it's a it's a nine-to-five and I've got to be writing nine-to-five and like I personally know you. Like we've hung out. No you don't. It is very very clear to me that you are telling what you perceive to be a positive lie. Is there a certain amount of desk work in the morning that you have to get through? I sort of like this, basically every form of self-employment, and it's what I very, very much like speaking to other self-employed people regardless of whatever they do, because speaking to other self-employed people regardless of whatever they do. Because like you realize that whatever it is, it's just accounting and logistics.

It's the entirety of my perfect afternoon genuinely would include doing my tax return. It's so satisfying. Are you serious? I only get to do it once a year. I don't want to do it more than once a year, but I love doing it. I can't think of anything worse and I'm so amazed that someone who can have a comedic creative brain can also enjoy that side of things. Like that's astonishing to me. This is, but see I don't think that it's unusual at all because I think one of the things about if you work in any sort of like creative industry or something like it's never there's never a Necessarily a right or wrong answer to my god Yeah, the way that you do things right and that can actually be quite like that. That's quite difficult

right like sometimes you want someone to be able to tell you what to do or Rather than well on balance you could do this as well, whereas something like this, like I really, really love maths and it's because like that's the answer. Yeah. Right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Or it's not. Yeah.

And if like, in our personal lives, we very rarely get a situation where this is the answer, it's very clear. And for someone in all sorts of professions, like there's very little of that in our professional lives either. But a laugh, a live laugh is the same as a tickle across isn't it? Yeah potentially and I think that that's something that's really nice about stand-up as well, like the fact that you can have the immediacy of response. Do you ever apply maths to your stand-up? As in like do you do you ever come away from being like 33 jokes there, 33 laughs, on a sliding scale from not two to nine?

So I don't do this and I know that I once said jokingly to Glenn Moore that I bet he knew exactly how many jokes there were in his Edinburgh show. This is a few years ago. Yeah. And he was like, and he said the number like he knew he's like, yes, I do. It's this number. It's an absurdly high number. Right. Like you. But and he was like, and I'm annoyed with myself because it's 15 fewer than last year. And I was like, where are they buried?

Like, no one knows that sort of thing who hasn't killed before and when again. Yeah, but I bet Jimmy Carr knows the number of hits. He strikes me as... Again! And he loves accounting. But yeah, God, it's so interesting to me though. Did you go to Cambridge? Yes. Do you think that that's part of your academic brain?

That you like to know whether you're getting things right or not not because you were sort of programmed that way. Did you study? I'm a politics expert. You could be right and wrong there the whole time. 1066. That's when it happened baby. There's definitely no right and wrong way. 1065? Those guys are idiots. Let's move on. Perfect afternoon then. Yes. Thinking about this, I think that the genuine answer to this is, let's exclude lunch from the situation. Although... Sorry, sorry, we're not having lunch.

No, no, we are having lunch. But the answer to what I would desire for my lunch is so abysmal that is very difficult. We simply must have it. Right, okay. We must have it. So this is because I am not allowed to have this now for very reasonable reasons. Oh, okay. uh now for very reasonable reasons uh because it would eventually lead to my death uh or uh at least a sort of gross nutritional imbalance uh everything but i specifically just want like

basically you know those tiny chicago town pizzas i want like infinity of those like I I want for my lunch those but they don't and I'll tell you when I'm done I thought it was gonna be like that weird fish that's like really dangerous to eat or something like that but no Chicago town pizza the worst frozen pizza. The worst, it's not, I don't do it because it's good. The one that, that's the one that you can- I don't even do it because I like it. You can buy those from like the little shit shop,

the convenience shop. Yeah, it's awful stuff. Uh. What is it like a, just a cheese situation? Yeah, well they only do like cheese and pepperoni and I don't eat meat, so it's gotta be the uh, to be the... It's just a margarita Chicago town mini pizza. Yeah, yeah. They're terrible.

This is so depressing. Well, I had read there's a Tony Ben, late politician. Yes, Donnie Ben. Yeah. And he ate two tiny Chicago town pizzas for his lunch every day. No, he didn't. This is the thing about Tony Ben. Oh my god.

It's very odd because like Tony Ben is the sort of person who you don't really consider to own a microwave or like necessarily. Are they microwave pizzas? You can microwave them. I put them in the oven. This is getting so much worse. Oh right. I respect myself.

Because you're not totally, not put them in the oven. This is getting so much worse. Oh right, yeah. I respect myself. You're not totally, not utterly devoid of confidence. But I like to think that Tony Ben microwaved his, because I like to imagine him using a microwave. It makes more sense to me as something that you would do every day, actually, weirdly. Less so on your perfect day Your perfect day is absolute madness

Appalling but every day I like it. I respect it if it's every day because it's it's it's you know, it's Steve Jobs But also Steve Jobs wearing the same clothes. It's the you know, it's taking its eliminating decision I I get it on your perfect day, what the hell's wrong with you? I also think that you've got to like think about this in the whole, right? Because we're also like we've teleported functionally over this day. Like I'm working up in New York and I'm in London again. You could have stayed in New York and had some of the best pizza in the world but no no no no no no. Instead you've gone where to buy Chicago towns? Like a bad shop. Like not a good, I don't want to get it from a good,

like you can get it from the supermarket, but I don't want to. Okay, so should we go to the worst shop you can think of? I want to go to the worst shop, yeah. Where is that? The worst shop is more of a concept than it is a place. You know, different shops can be the worst shop at different times.

Okay. But you know, we've already- You don't want to stag off any shops, do you? That's clear. Other shops are available. But you know, so I could say, for instance, oh, wouldn't it be lovely to, on this perfect day, have like two bottles of wine at lunch

with a large group of friends, but that's going to impact the evening. Yeah. Okay. Right. As it like, I can't do that because then, then my answer, and I've already got a teleportation machine, right? Yeah. I can't, I can't ask for two wishes and have also something that means that I'm instantly sober. So, well, you can, if you want, are we saving, is this a time saving situation then or is it just, why?

No, no, no, no. It's just something that I can have in the oven while I'm doing my tax return. Are you seriously doing your tax returns? I also, I want these things to be achievable in my life, you know. Oh my god, are you? Because if I say, oh, and I'm, I'm the prime minister and I'm doing prime minister's questions and I smash prime minister's questions and it feels really great. It's like, Oh, that does sound nice. I'll never achieve that. Right. Okay. However, yeah. As I said, I have had a lovely morning, just waking up early and walking around a crisp, slightly cold

New York morning, eating a bagel and looking at things. That's the thing that I've achieved. It's the thing I'll probably do again in my life, I hope. I know, but they're setting the bar low and then there's having two Chicago town pizzas and doing the taxes. I don't want to. I want more than two. Sorry, Infinity Chicago townpiece. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, I genuinely think that, I think that on my genuine perfect afternoon,

we'll probably be like, right, I would have like a lunch that's probably bad for me, do something productive and good that makes me feel good about the fact that I've done something productive and good, have sex and have a nap So I know but I do understand that because actually again things preclude other things like as it if I've had Infinity Chicago town pizzas for lunch. My wife is not gonna want to have sex with me I don't think you're gonna want to have sex with your wife either. You're going to have a tummy ache.

You're going to. But you could you could say that it hasn't ever you've had infinity Chicago pizzas and it hasn't affected you because you're also I think you're going to need the nap before you do the taxes if it hasn't if it has affected you because that's a that's a big carb come down. But so because like if you love doing taxes so much, have you considered becoming an accountant? When I left university and I, you know, I hoped that I would be able to make a career

in comedy and I wanted to be able to do it and I wasn't making very much money at all at the time. And that was relatively long, certainly during the days. So I was just like, oh, well, the career that I hope to have, I will need to know, X, Y, and Z. One of the things was accountancy. And I was like, I will need to know this a few years down the line if I have the career that I hope that I will have. And so I just spent a few weeks learning it.

The thing about being an accountant though of course, you don't get to do a tax return form because you're not self-employed. Did you become a stand-up comedian just so you could fill out a tax return? It's one of the ancillary benefits. Like how it's like I really enjoy train travel. Oh I love train travel actually. And like, it's not the main reason I'm a stand-up comedian, but it doesn't hurt. Ancillary benefit. You were saying before that you just learned how to do it. You were like, accountancy or stand-up,

and you just learned how to do it, and then you just did it. Yeah. Talk to me about that a bit more. How did you learn how to do it? What was your process? What was your method? Reading? Reading what? Reading what?

Just like how to be an accountant. Everything's on the internet. No, I didn't say how did you become an accountant. You're not an accountant. Can we be absolutely clear here? Just because you love doing tax returns, you're not actually an accountant. I just read the relevant parts of the tax code and like... No, I didn't ask you how that you do your tax code. I said, how did you become a standup? Oh, right. OK. Just reading.

You said. I said. But that's less applicable. As in others can't take anything from the way that I became a standup comedian because that is a very like specific set of circumstances. I became a standup because when I was 15 years old, my dad suggested that I do standup comedy

because I liked watching comedy on the television. And so I tried to do standup comedy. I really liked it. I kept doing it at university. I started doing it. I guess you were doing it all the way through university. Like that is not a relevant thing to our listeners here. Why?

Because quite possibly, there might be some listeners who are 15 years old, whose father is on the cusp of advising them to become a stand-up comedian or at least try stand-up comedy, but it won't be everyone. Whereas everyone can learn a practical skill through reading. Is this what you do when you go into schools? You were telling me outside off air that you go into school. Do you tell them all you say, hi, hi, I'm here, I'm a stand-up comedian.

Can I suggest a Counted C101? It's relevant, you won't regret it. Get a skill. I mean, honestly though. When Oliver, Rishi Sanat got a lot of stick for his whole, oh, we should be doing maths to 18. And lots of people who worked in the creative arts was like, why shouldn't we be doing art till 18?

We should be doing all arts at the end of the year. And it was like, like yeah but you're definitely gonna need maths. I use it every day it's wonderful it's very helpful if I couldn't do it I'd be entirely lost in my life. Listen. Do you love Rishi Sunak? This goes out to all the kids. Do you love Rishi Sunak? I have a very complicated relationship with Rishi Sunak. What do you mean by that? As in... Have we got time? Different podcast? There's about an hour about it on Netflix. Okay, let's not then. Let's just watch the stand-up special instead. Okay, so

you've had sex with your wife presumably. Ideally, yes. And then you have a post-coital nap in your marital bed. And anything else that you want to add to your perfect afternoon? Yeah, I think that probably I would like to get a train after that. Which train? I'm having a good relationship with the tensling at the moment. Is it as good as your relationship with Rishi Sunak? Far less complicated. I'm not proud of and inspired by the Thameslink for racial reasons. I also don't fundamentally disagree with the Thameslink's politics. Right at that.

But the Thameslink is there for you. Yeah. And where's it taking you? To what I'm doing in the evening. Okay. Segue. What are you doing on your perfect evening? Work! I'm doing my job. Oh my god. I am a stand-up comedian. I love being a stand-up comedian. It is my favourite thing to do in the world and I would like to do it in the evening. My maternal grandmother passed away relatively recently and she saw me do

stand up twice. First time that she saw me was at university and she was very very, like my maternal grandfather, was very very sort of correctly sort of emphasized the importance of education and that that was the way that you could sort of change things in your life and whatnot. And she was very proud when I went to Cambridge. She told me to stand up there and it probably isn't the thing that she imagined I would do with that degree.

But she saw that. stand up there and it probably isn't the thing that she imagined I would do with that degree, but she saw that and then the last time she saw me was when we filmed the show and the show that's on Netflix now was largely about it was the story of her and my grandfather basically and she got to see that and she got to see that live and previously my mother had taken a recording of the show that I sent her from Edinburgh and took it over to the house and like they listened to it together and she paused it whenever there was anything that like Nanny wanted like explained a bit more so that she could understand so she sort of got to have that and like hear that story told. And it's those sort of bits of performing really that I like when, you know, when there's like a new thing or something

that people, someone hasn't seen before but it's someone who means a great deal to you. will someone hasn't seen before but it's someone who means a great deal to you and you can do the thing that you very much love and are hopefully good at and hopefully sort of gives them something to see that and you get to share that moment together is a really really lovely thing thing. And so, yes, I would, on my perfect evening, I would do the job I love and afterwards and before I would be with the people I love. Oh, that's a beautiful thing. And I would tell them,

smash my tax return this afternoon. Ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha. Been up since 6 a.m., baby. Yeah, yeah. Yes, it's September, Don't worry about it. Is it necessary now? No.

Is that when I do it? Generally yes. Also at every stage during this day I've been drinking champagne. Oh, you didn't mention that. He's hammered. Yeah, and I've also, because I don't do it anymore, because I mustn't, I've also been smoking constantly with absolutely no negative consequences for my health or the health of others. Smoking cigarettes? Cigarettes, yeah. Did you used to smoke?

Do you know what, the thing about cigarettes is that they're wonderful. I know. They're so delicious. And they make you look so cool. And I looked amazing. Yeah. Did I? Like I'm not like you know I try and sort of dress well and everything and you know like I do take pride in my appearance and that's a you know one of the deadly sins but why not you know? Yeah. But with a cigarette by god it's like the rug in the big Lebowski you know like it's tying the room together in a hell of a way um so i was during this day i was smoking while i was asleep at the beginning of the day i woke up and there was already a cigarette in my mouth i would every element uh every element um and i've been uh smoking and drinking champagne uh every element, every element and I've been smoking and drinking champagne every element during this. That really does give it a bit of edge actually. Did you have infinite Chicago pizzas for dinner?

Oh no, it would be nice. I think that I would go to, hmm, where would I get it? Perfect dinner. I think that... And this is the thing isn't it when you've got a stand-up gig so I hear. Yeah. You've got to make the decision. Well this is the thing not to have dinner before or after or both. For instance I think that the nicest meal probably that I've ever had was a restaurant called Heron in Edinburgh which is a really lovely restaurant on the water of Leif. And my wife and I have now been there twice. But like the meal takes like three hours. Right, like it's a full on, like yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's really, and I love it because I don't eat meat. So, and often you can feel like a sort of afterthought in that regard of like, oh yeah, and we're giving you a mushroom, like whatever. Right? Whereas here it felt like, this is, you know, my wife had the menu with the meat and the vegetarian one, but they neither felt as though.

You weren't being shortchanged. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. So it's really like, but you're not gonna do that and also do a gig in the evening, you know? It's the, listen, the crux of the perfect day is the awareness that choices and trade-offs are a constant element of adult human life. What's my recommendation? Responsibility. That's right. You don't want to eliminate the pressures of compromise on your perfect day? No, God no.

Because that's what makes life worth living? Yeah. Interesting. Okay, so do you have... Recommendations. A recommendation, yeah. Okay, I will give lots of recommend it hit me with a like subject and I'll recommend what about another podcast another podcast I've recently been enjoying the IFS zooms in which is a podcast by the

Institute for Physical Studies I enjoy them a lot. There's going to be a lot of crossover, I think, with this audience, the Institute of Physical Studies podcast. OK, let's try something else. Album? Listen. You come onto this show, you be honest,

and all you get is grief. You be honest. Right? You be honest. You know what? We both be honest. You know what? We both be honest. We both be honest. Album then.

Album. Or musical artist. You are listening to Radiohead in Rainbows and you are 16 years old and you are listening to it while walking to and from school. Oh, so nice. Okay. Thank you so much, Ahir Shah. Everyone check out his Netflix special and buy tickets to see him on tour at ahirshah.com. Exactly. Thank you. That's brilliant. There we have it! Wasn't that great?

I'm never going to look jet-lagging the same way again. Thanks Ahir! And also, who knew someone so funny could have such boring interests? And I'm sorry, but that is my truth. Remember, you can buy tickets to see Ahir live in 2025 unless you're in Yeovil. And it sounds like you probably shouldn't go because he hates you. And if you're there for his Ireland date, make sure you clap extra loud for him. And of course, make sure to watch his stand-up special ends on Netflix.

And that's all my admin. I'm off to do some gluttony and probably look at some weird videos of the UAP hearings in Congress. Do you know what I mean? It's good stuff. It is good stuff. What's happening? Thanks for listening. Like, subscribe, leave us a review and follow us on at Perfect Daycast for all your Perfect Day news. I really just want to say thank you by the way to everyone who did write in after Brett Goldstein's episode last week. What a banger it was and I appreciate all your feedback. There was a lot of it, probably because he's got a lot of fans. So thanks for that and please keep writing reviews because it really helps us.

Not just ego-wise, it helps with the algorithm. And as we know, that's all that matters in this world. From Yorkshire with Love, I'm Jessica Rushton. I'm David O'Doherty. And we'd like to invite you to our new podcast, What Did You Do Yesterday? It's a show that asks guests the big question, quite literally, what did you do yesterday? That's it. That is it.

Max, I'm still not sure. Where do we put the stress? Is it what did you do yesterday? What did you do yesterday? You know what I mean? What did you do yesterday? I'm really downplaying it. Like, what did you do yesterday?

Like, I'm just a guy just asking a question. But do you think I should go bigger? What did you do yesterday? What did you do yesterday? Every single word this time, I'm going to try and make it like it is the killer word. What did you do yesterday? I think that's too much, isn't it? That is, that's over the top.

What did you do yesterday? Available wherever you get your podcasts every Sunday. Mum? What is it? Are we there yet? Hello there, it's me, Harry Hill, with some exciting news. I've got a brand new podcast. It's called Are We There Yet? And is the world's first family-friendly podcast that's designed to get you from A to B. Join me, my son Gary.

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