Perfect Day with Jessica Knappett - EP2: Dolly Alderton

Episode Date: August 1, 2024

This week, Dolly Alderton joins Jessica Knappett to discuss her perfect morning, afternoon and evening.  Amongst other things the pair discuss: The perks and pitfalls of being blonde, a fantasy interaction with Tom Selleck, breakups, the troubles with being an agony aunt, how Dolly became dubbed ‘the sweetie lady’, and sea shanties.   Like and subscribe for brand-new episodes every Thursday. Follow us on Instagram, Twitter and TikTok @perfectdaycast. And why not get in touch: [e-mail] A Keep It Light Media Production Producer: Lucy Topping Exec Producer: Michael Marden Sales and general enquiries: [e-mail] Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

all right then just a bit of mdma and what should we do with the drunken sailor hello i'm jessica naffitt and welcome to your new favorite podcast what shall we do with the drunken sailor? Hello, I'm Jessica Knappett and welcome to your new favourite podcast, Perfect Day. Each week, I'll be asking some of the best people in the world to describe their fantasy day, breaking it down to their dream morning, afternoon and night. I'm absolutely delighted to bring you today's guest.

She is a multi-talented podcaster, journalist and author, best known for her top-selling memoir, Everything I Know About Love. She's a Sunday Times columnist and agony aunt, and quite frankly, a sensational overachiever. It's the brilliant Dolly Alderton. Now, you're going to listen to this and you're going to think, is hair all we talk about?

And the answer is, for quite a while yes then eventually no but don't worry okay because we also discuss breakups uh her amazing podcast the high low teenage dollies dream day coffee dates Sea Shanties and Besties. I hope you enjoy it as much as I did. If you're a new listener, welcome to the Perfect Day Club. And if you're returning, welcome back. Make sure you get your loyalty card stamped before you leave. Here's Dolly Alderton's Perfect Day.

How are you are you in this country yes i am in this country are you in this country or are you in mexico oh thank you that is a reference to my backdrop which is very lovely quite mexican it is quite mexican and your sun-kissed hair i've gone a bit blonde haven't i it looks really good thank you yeah like i do i i do like it but god it's a pain in the ass being blonde isn't it mate it takes ages it's a real fucking waste of life. Nobody told me this. I know, I know. And the problem is having blonde hair is fucking sick. It's like the best hair you can have. It looks great. You feel amazing.

People respect you more. People respect you more famously. It's just really lush to have blonde hair. And so once you start, you're just never going go back I just I'm not going to go back I'm not going to be a plain Jane Brunette again am I how many hours are you in the hairdressers for a long time because I've been bleaching it since I was a teenager so I'm actually quite dark naturally so it means now I've done so much damage that as well as continuing to damage it they now have to do damage control so it's like four hours oh god I was in for eight hours the last time I went eight hours what were you doing for I haven't done eight hours

I did eight hours because it was a correction and we will get onto the podcast eventually. We'll move onto the format shortly, but we must discuss being blonde. I had it done up here in Yorkshire, but they just did the top of my head. And then I was filming and they were like, it looks really weird because you've got sort of patchy roots. So we're going to get a professional in to sort that out but they didn't have they ran out of time so they only did the my center parting and then that grew out so then when I went in I had like five over the shop yeah regrowth and then also when you put your hair up you still look like you're a brunette underneath i know i have that i still have that but that's actually that's a that's a good thing to do because it means that you're still you're saving your hair underneath for what for what who knows i mean i don't for what all of it for what i don't all of what? All of it, for what? I don't. All of it? Because it looks so good

and it's so important to look good. It would be lovely to not think about any of this stuff, wouldn't it? Most men will never know. They'll just never really know. I don't want to like bring this up and weaponize this against you, but I am going to use the word privilege here

because one thing you do have that I feel like you haven't acknowledged yet is a huge amount of hair. Okay. Sorry, Dolly. Hashtag hair privilege. You have thick, lustrous- So do you. No. I cannot describe to you the apothecary of product that goes into my hair to make it look like I have a lot of hair and I don don't every strand counts with a girl like me whereas with you you can be doing badgery bits and bobs it's bits here it's bits there it's dark underneath it's blonde here it's mousy brown it's whatever it's you've got so much of it's like

sarah jessica parker hair it's always going to look fabulous now i don't know that life i haven't lived that life and i wish i had i wish i could it's a it's a lot to wash oh yeah yeah it takes so long to dry yeah yeah i heard this boo boo i can't bear that takes too long sometimes it doesn't even fit in a hair elastic fuck off take do you know how long it takes to brush this hair actually don't Don't know, don't care. Ages, ages long time. Well, anyway, all this to say. Yeah.

Hi, Jess, so nice to meet you. Hi, darling. Your hair looks beautiful. Thank you, as does yours. And I'm glad we've done a good seven minutes on hair. To be honest, the first and last and only time we've ever met was. Oh, my God. We've never talked about this. Was in a bogs.

Was in a bogs. And I had taken my boyfriend for his birthday dinner and we broke up in a very dramatic fashion about six days later did i do that it he did mention you he went you spent a little bit too long in the bogs for that in that birthday dinner i'm sorry you broke. Did I seem like I was on the verge of a breakup? No, I wouldn't have said so. Although you were, you did. I mean, considering you were on a date, I didn't realize it was his birthday. You had spent quite a lot of time

in the toilets talking to me. We had been there for a good 20 minutes. I think I brought this on myself. Did he break up with you because was neglect a part of it? It was, no. If anything anything i think he probably by the end was quite happy to have 20 minutes with some peace yeah but that breakup that was um nearly two years that's a year and a half ago and that was four days before christmas no that was a roughy, that one. Oh God, I'm so sorry.

Yeah. That is a roughy. I did have a lovely dinner that night. I remember what I ate. I had some lovely tiger prawns. Did you have a nice dinner? Yeah, I had a really nice dinner. Should we just say where we were?

Yeah. We were in Jay Sheeky's in Covent Garden. I thought you were going to say we were at the Pizza Hut buffet. Iiky's in covent garden you're gonna say we were at the pizza buffet i was gonna wink at you and go yeah that's what a comedian should have said yeah we're at the pizza buffet and she was piling on the bacon bits which we'll be featuring later in my perfect day i think of you um when i see a pizza hut buffet do you do you know why because the high low and i'm sure everyone will say this and can i just say on behalf of absolutely every woman in the country of a certain age we do miss it we miss it thanks we all miss it it has

been very very difficult to move on and sometimes i just go back and listen to old episodes and if you haven't listened to the high low nice listeners you will love it so much and it is still so even though it was topical i think there's just still so much obviously relevant opinion in it and it was such a careful show and it must have taken you ages to prep for that because I just think god this is taking me ages and I don't actually have to do anything I just sit in front of Mexican tapestry and talk about highlights but you you actually had to do some work it was really hard it's the most hard work I've ever done. And, you know, credit to Pandora, she was much more, the way the Hilo ended up being what it was, was definitely much more in Pandora's vision. And she was very professional and very hardworking, very big on prep. Whereas I'm more on the Mexican tapestry highlights niche of broadcasting. The community that we had was amazing,

but that also became the thing I found quite difficult was how many listeners we had because the feedback loop was just so intense. And if there's one thing I don't like is feedback. No, but does anybody like feedback though? How were you receiving feedback? In the end, it was just, it was so, this was also still the golden age of Twitter

before everyone left. So it was like, everyone was still, you're laughing at me saying the golden age of Twitter. So is that something someone would say on a talking heads programme on Channel 5? Yeah, I just don't ever think that there was a golden age. I think I've made that up. I think it wasn't the golden age.

No, no. But as in, we were just all on Twitter all the time. Yeah, I just don't ever think that there was a golden age. I think I've made that up. I think it wasn't a golden age. No, no. But as in, we were just all on Twitter all the time. So it was coming via Twitter. And then in the end, we hired a sub-editor. And we said, look, we don't want to just hear positive feedback. We do want to know, we need constructive criticism as well. But can you just give us a slice of it?

Like to represent what the mailbag looks like every week, because we just couldn't read all these emails constantly all the positive and the negative and the whatever but i'm just so glad that you said that because it's three and a half years since we stopped the high low the high low went on for four years by the end of it i was so sad ended but i was also there was a relief that to to to move on and now and i think panda would say the same but now when I speak to people like you who say such lovely things all I can remember is how fun it was and what what great fun it was doing it with Panda and all the lovely listeners that we had and actually there was a real lesson to me and when it ended the the responses we got was so overwhelmingly positive and lovely and we got

so many lovely messages from people that it reminded me that when you're putting out work all the time there is a majority of people who just politely and contentedly are enjoying it he'll never hear from and you've just yeah yeah you want to think of them yeah and you sort of have to assume that that is what's mostly going on do people bring you their problems because obviously you're in agony aren't constantly Yeah. And you sort of have to assume that that is what's mostly going on. Do people bring you their problems? Because obviously you're in agony, aren't they? Constantly.

Constantly, yeah. Hell. Yeah, it's quite constant. God, that must be. It depends what mood I'm in. Like, I remember being at a party and a woman came over to me. She's like, the way she said, like, hi, I'm a huge fan of your work. It was like so quickly. It was just like, right, can we just get out of the way?

Okay, so I just really need to ask you something. And I was like, yeah, she's like, so my mother-in-law, and we're just like launching to this thing and she wouldn't let me leave the party. I was like, my boyfriend was like waiting by the door and I was like, oh no. And he, again, I mean, you're always talking.

No wonder he dumped me. Just another drunk woman in a loo. So did you have to solve the problem? Yeah. And this, this has happened a few times and it's like, it's very, it's a massive, it is a compliment, but I don't know. It's like, I'm not one of those people. If someone is like sharing something with me and speaking very intimately with me, I will take that seriously. I can't be dismissive about that. I definitely have people ask me for meetings or perfect to meet in a professional environment. And I just hate meetings.

I don't think they should exist. I don't think meetings are ever necessary. And I'm being really serious about that. I just hate meetings. I don't think they should exist. I don't think meetings are ever necessary. And I'm being really serious about that. I just don't, I think there would be, if I were prime minister, I would just ban meetings. Nothing happens. Can this be an email? Yeah. And I just think generally in work culture, we all talk too much. And I think that it robs workers of their own intuition of what they should be doing. But so my agents and people I work with know that, like, I really don't want to be going to a meeting.

And often I will, and someone will be really insistent, and then I'll go to the meeting and it will be 20 minutes in and I'll realize that they want to ask me about a problem and to get advice and that's what I mean. Yeah. Or they want to have a big emotional chat and analyze like emotional like like it's girls cocktail hour or something and that that is like I find that really tiring there's no stopping it until you stop it though I'm just so bad with boundaries as well and the other thing is is my therapist this will sound like i have a really inappropriate

relationship with my therapist my therapist has a nickname for me um where she calls me the sweetie lady because she was like oh my god she's like oh the sweetie lady's out again and the sweetie lady is basically me i just give sweets to everyone. I'm just always trying to like, whatever you want, I'll give to you. Your therapist is a genius. She's brilliant. Or very cruel. Oh, the sweetie lady, here she comes.

Here she comes again. But she's like, the problem with being the sweetie lady is when you finally stop dispensing sweets, everyone is really confused and upset. So I don't understand. I always used to come to you for sweets. What do you mean now? You don't want to give me sweets.

Does that make any sense? Yeah, that does make sense. Are you a sweetie lady? No. Are you not? I think having kids makes you stop being the sweetie lady because then you actually have to be the sweetie lady for two children. Actually, I think, yeah.

I mean, I think getting married stopped me being a different kind of sweetie lady. Dolly, I mean, already just an absolutely banging chap. You know, we haven't got all day, but we have got enough time now to discuss, please, Dolly Alderton's Perfect Day. I want to know from you what would constitute your perfect morning, please. Okay, so before I tell you I the reason why I was so excited to do this podcast is this format was me and my friend's favorite game when we were hung over and I went back into my into my archived into like my g chat and I was interning at I

think the week magazine which very oh wow news but like very serious magazine and I found a g I was really really hungover I was 21 and I found the what I said to my friend was my perfect age when I was 21 I wake up in my house but it's a new bed really really massive massive bed and it smells of roses. And then a teddy bear butler comes into my room. And he's my servant for the day. What's a teddy bear butler? Like a talking teddy bear who's just serving me all day.

He brings in loads of magazines and eggs benedict there's a harp while i eat it just playing softly or maybe a classic flamenco guitarist then the teddy butler brings me a kitten to cuddle for a bit then carl lagerfield arrives and he's like hi is dolly here i'd like to dress her because she is my muse also when i wake up I was eight and a half stone. So then I get dressed head to toe in Chanel. And then Mick Jagger picks me up in a convertible car and he drives me to Selfridges, but there's no traffic on the roads. Then I get there and they've closed the whole shop

and they've said I have 50 million pounds to spend in there. Also, they've given me an electric scooter to go around as fast as I like. I buy presents for all my friends and family and a whole new wardrobe. spend in there also they've given me an electric scooter to go around as fast as i like i buy presents for all my friends and family and a whole new wardrobe then the teddy servant takes it all home i go to a champagne bar where there are some cool people like bill nye and stevie nicks and we all hang out the teddy servant arrives again with some cocaine then i fly home on a james bond

flying machine and jarvis Cocker is on my bed and he's come round just to have sex with me and then sing Common People afterwards. Oh my God. I won't go on. Absolutely incredible. So you would play this game all the time? Yeah. And it's still kind of my new favorite game that i do is before me and a friend go to a party or an event is we do best version worst version where we do like what could the best possible version of this night be and then the worst possible that's so brilliant so

i feel like that's a really good social anxiety cure. In what way? Well, I'm always imagining the worst and often I'll get really bad. In fact, the night I met you, I nearly didn't go out that night. I was just panicking too much about it. Really? And I don't get it too badly, but every now and again, I'll just be like, I don't think we should. And I'll get quite angry. I get quite cross.

Yeah. Get cross that you're being forced into going into something. Yeah, and I think it's silly, actually. It's that kind of a vibe. It's a bit ridiculous that you've asked me for dinner. We all have lives to live, guys. Well, also the maddest thing, I think I told you this in the toilets, the maddest thing about that night was that I met David Lettermanman I was so anxious about going out because I knew he was I knew

that there's there was he was going to be there and I was like well that's just ridiculous because we shouldn't be hanging out with he doesn't want to talk to us and then anyway then I had a great night I would totally understand that why you would get social anxiety about you know you could do you could have played best version worst version You wouldn't have had to have had the whole sort of fit that I had before I went out. It's a great game. My friend Monica and I did it recently where we were going out. We were in Big Sur in California on holiday.

And we were going out for dinner in this little water side restaurant. We were like, what would the best version be and we realized the best version would be that an aged hollywood legend tom selick um was there and he some sort of natural organic slightly flirty but non-predatory bants happens and then he's like do you know i actually have this like enormous mid-century house right on the coast would you girls like to come have a nightcap and then we do and in his house he's like attaches himself to a project of mine which then somehow gets greenlit that evening on via email and and monica he's like oh monica are you single i've actually what do you think

of this guy and it's like a young tom selleck and it's his son and then they they get set up and actually what was nice was obviously none of that happened but it's like that game where you play about winning the lottery that it kind of felt like i have memories of being with tom selleck in big sir now even though yeah it didn't happen. I've always found fantasy so close to reality as an experience. Yes. Do you think this is a specifically female or feminine trait? Yes, I do. I don't think men fantasize to the point of that,

like having real imaginary partners yes i remember i remember kathleen moran wrote about this so beautifully in her it might have been house people where she said that one of the one of the most like beautiful relationships of her teenage life happened on a train journey when she imagined it with some yes i remember and they had a baby together and maybe even like there were all these layers of drama of their relationship that took her from like london to wolverhampton or whatever and when she looks back on her teenage life like those imagined relationships and worlds were so vivid and she stepped into them with so much enthusiasm that it does feel akin to a real sensory memory. Yes. I don't know what the feminine urge is to do that.

Is it just, it's not really just with romantic relationships though, is it? I just think you can get, the ability to get carried away is a wonderful thing. Yeah. Okay, so. Sorry, perfect warning. No, I love it. Is there any, is is there anything would you change anything from the from the perfect morning that you wrote yeah the whole thing oh okay all right

let's have it my perfect days used to be so about like greed and people fancying me and being high or drunk all the time which is not my perfect morning now. My perfect morning now would be like waking up alone in my bed, maybe with my cat curled up next to me. But like, I just love sleeping alone. For me, being in a relationship, giving up a bed to myself is not, that's a sacrifice. Like that's the downside of being in a relationship. Yeah.

Are you the same? Yeah. And I think it's a shame that you have to share a bed because actually we all just want to sleep individually but it's just it's just such an admission it is and I do know couples who have who are madly in love who did do the sleeping alone thing and so I thought was just actually a testament to how much they loved and respected each other but there was definitely a job of people be like oh it's not good that you sleep separately which i think is anyway so i'd wake up alone maybe with my little cat curled up next to

me and then the main thing that i would want with my perfect day now is i wake up to no emails or texts or whatsapps and every every every person I've needed to reply to for the last 10 years I wake up and I'm like oh I did it all yesterday ah I've replied no one is angry at me that I haven't replied to them everyone is fine with me about my replies. That's my perfect morning. Do you honestly feel like you have such a backlog that people are angry with you at this point? I feel like I'll definitely... Do you watch Anna and Just Like That?

No, I don't actually. There's this amazing scene where at the funeral of Big, this woman comes up to Carrie Bradshawadshaw and she's like look i decided to come to the funeral because i decided i should just let bygones be bygones and like i forgive you for what happened and carrie doesn't has no idea what it is and that definitely i do feel sometimes i talk to people that are like i was once close or like acquaintances or whatever, and they've had a pretend row with me in their head because they feel there's a reason why. The power of the imagination again.

Again. And they feel like there's a reason why I didn't reply to them for eight weeks. Yeah, this conversation has never taken place. Yeah. And actually it's just that I find it really hard to stay on top of phone stuff. And I know that's annoying but I just do I think if you're somebody who really can't tolerate not getting a reply that is more to do with your own insecurity and I think if you can't if you really can't understand that someone is just really busy then then then that isn't a good friendship for you to be in then you

do need to be with someone then you are kind of a needy person quite a needy person I do think that or they just or they just clearly don't know you that well because no one who actually loves me has ever given me shit for it exactly so it's like but it does weigh on me it does really weigh on me if just like i do kind of wake up every morning and think of everyone i need to reply because you've got so many sweeties to give out sweetie lady this is it this is the sweetie lady all the sweeties are given out at this so i wake up on my perfect morning and this the sweet shop has publicly been declared it's gone into liquidation. It's gone into administration and do you know what?

Everyone's fine with it. They're like, we don't need any more. I sound like such a dick, don't I? I think it's more I just let things pile up. It's also like, you know, when you have, because the problem with replying to emails is it feels like completed work, but it's not because then they reply.

Oh yeah, you're right. So then it's like, how do I complete it all I wake up and the whole thing's completed yeah okay great I I'm starting to think about it now yeah okay this is this is perfect yeah go on I am not a morning person and I hate company in the morning so it's like I'll just spend the whole morning on my own going on a long walk I'm gonna go eat eggs somewhere because it's my perfect day all my vegetarianism is out the window so I'm having like a pile of crispy bacon and I don't feel guilty about it um and it's just like a perfect morning of pottering on my own might go in a garden center won't buy anything just have a look around just

meaning that like nothing has an as it has an objective or a purpose it's just all smelling things trying things touching stuff putting stuff in my gob on my own a very sensory experience a little potter a little garden center do you have a garden? Are you a gardener? I have a very small garden and I have, I do like, I do the old herbs. I do the deadheading, the roses, but that's all I'm doing. Gorgeous. So do you, on a normal day,

do you have a kind of a morning routine or would you just rather roll out of bed at the latest possible moment? So the perfect time to wake up for me is nine o'clock. I obviously can't do that because I have to start a day earlier. But if I, in a world of no consequence, I would start every, I would wake up at nine, start the day at 10. And I'd have nine hours sleep.

Just because you're too busy and successful. Just getting stuff done and meetings and, you know, like. But you don't do meetings. All the old does not take meetings we've established the other day my friend caroline told me she's one of my best friends she told me that she her best friend who's also a writer had moved to brighton she was like oh i'm really missing having like a daytime hang and i was like having a what she was like you know going for coffee with someone or having lunch to break up the date the rice the working day I was like I genuinely don't know

what you mean because that is my idea of hell and she said she knows that about me and she revealed she lives in southeast London I'm in north London her dentist is around the corner she's here all the time she knows I don't want to see anyone until seven o'clock so she's never ever told me when she's in the area because I don't like coffee so what do you sorry I don't I don't quite understand why that's connected so you don't want to see anyone in the day you don't like to do anything to break up day and also you don't like coffee but as in I won't like having coffees with people during a weekday absolutely hate it very interesting because when we met in the bogs, you said to me,

would you like to go out for a coffee sometime? Did I? Yeah. You actually hate that and you would have hated it. I hate that. I would have loved it on a Saturday or Sunday. I would have loved that. Don't like doing it during the week.

Don't like it. Basically, I just like being on my own all day from Monday to Friday with no meetings, no emails, just being allowed to write slash go on and other stories.com. And you can't because you're too in demand as in, I'm not taking the piss as in like, you've got to do your agony answer. Like what's, what's taking up your time? Okay. So it's promoting stuff and selling stuff. Like the cycle of like, yeah. So the cycle of making things, the making is when I'm so happy.

I'm so aware that I have this amazing privilege that I can just sit and write all day slash go and hand out the stories. And so I just hate, I really resent that being broken up. But if you're putting something out in the world and you're lucky enough to have people wanting to watch it or read it or whatever, you then do have to do, you have to sell it. And whatever part of my brain I have to engage to sell something, it shuts down the other part of my brain to make something. So I can do one or the other.

I can do tits and teeth selling or I can do sitting like in a hunched up and corner eating pot noodle writing but I can't do both yeah I do completely relate to that you know a lot a lot of my life is spent writing but a lot of my life is also spent on tv and if I've got a thing where I'm on tv. I can't write that day. You can't write. Exactly. Yeah. Yeah. I become too introverted when I'm writing. Exactly.

Yeah. And you don't wash and things. And then. Yeah. And I love that. I had a deadline last week and it got so fucking gnarly and it was so great. I finished it like half three in the morning. It was like three deliveroos that day hadn't left the house I like I like getting obsessed with something and getting really

intimate with it and and that's and but I also I also recognize that's probably not a healthy way to be and actually to be a writer you can do a couple of hours in the morning go for a coffee with a friend answer a few emails do a nice friendly general meeting on Zoom and then go back and do another hour. Like that more moderate, I so understand that that would make more sense. But for me, it's just, I'm just not wired like that. Yeah. What's your reading routine?

Do you have one? Yes. what's your reading routine do you have so yes so um i'm basically leisure reading will always be on whenever i'm on holiday or traveling and then i very i get very little leisure reading in because whatever writing project i do i nearly always and this is just i put this on myself i always end up doing loads and loads of research so at the moment I'm writing something which is a historical thing so all I'm doing is reading stuff from that time and about that time oh wow is this a book or a script a script I don't have to be like that. And like, it was quite, like when I made Everything I Know About Love,

like for example, one of the characters worked in retail and she got a job at John Lewis because John Lewis was her like idea of the most kind of perfect institution. And it said a lot about her character. So the John Lewis of it became really important to me. So I did like three research calls with a woman who'd worked at John Lewis for 30 years oh my god I thought you were gonna say then so

so I worked at John Lewis for a week so I'm still working at John Lewis now is it bad that I don't remember that bit of it of course you didn't of course you didn't it was one scene it was literally one scene one scene one long. And I don't know why I need to do that. And I think people who collaborate with me find it very frustrating and unnecessary. It's your thorough. It's not that. I think I'm insecure and I think I feel like I need to have that scaffolding under me to feel confident in what I'm writing or something. Yeah. It's sweeties, isn't it? I do recognize that and I I think you have to

do whatever it is whatever it takes to feel comfortable and happy about the work you're doing and if that if that's what you have if you have to go and work at John Lewis for a week it's like it is like actors who go method I'm like okay I think I honestly think you could you could portray a cobbler without being a cobbler. Well, do you know what's interesting about the method thing? Is I worked with an actress who had worked with a very famous, a couple of very famous method actors. And she said it absolutely fucks the set. And she said it's only ever male actors that do it.

She said you would never, ever. Of course it is. Yeah. Of course it is. Where it takes over everything and it's like their mood, course it is. Yeah. Of course it is. Where it takes over everything and it's like their mood, then it takes the set. Yeah, and you're being that character in makeup

to the makeup lady. Imagine a woman doing that. You would never do that. You'd be like asking a million questions about her divorce. Or is there any more to add to your morning before we go on to your afternoon? I'm so aware that I'm sounding like such a curmudgeon,

but the curmudgeon portion of the perfect day ends at midday. I don't think anything you said is curmudgeonly. No emails, no texts, no one trying to have coffee with me. Sounds like paradise. I think everyone would love that. I don't think they do, actually. Would that be your perfect morning just on your own just a touch

this time last year i was on holiday on my own oh how lovely i left a one-year-old at home with my husband i i just think sometimes you need it and i've got friends i've got loads of friends okay i've got loads of friends i could go on holiday with, okay? I have. But I wanted to go on my own. I really did. So, yes, I do. Sorry, very quickly, I'm going to tell you one more story

about the boyfriend who I neglected. Ironically, after my show was made, I was so exhausted. I had this light at the end of the tunnel where the day after at TX, I said to everyone I worked with, I'm going to go away for five days on my own to Mallorca. And I'm not, I'm going to turn off my phone. And I can't, anything you need to know, ask me now, because I'm not going to do that.

I'm going to go away. And this boyfriend was found it so strange and he couldn't understand he was so suspicious about why i was going away on my own never met a woman who wanted to go away on their own before it was like why would i not come and it had upset him so much that he thought that i was meeting a man on the continent i just have never i was like do you know how few people want to go out with me like do you know how hard it is to meet someone the thought that i have this like spanish mystery lover after working as hard as i have been working on the show that i want to go have a secret tryst in mallorca i just couldn't understand but he truly had convinced himself because he was like i don't understand why anyone

would go on holiday on their own i think people are suspicious of women who enjoy their own company yeah telling people that I was leaving my family to go everyone was like is everything all right with you and dad yes everything is absolutely fine I just think it's so good to normalize this and it's so good to have a partner that understands that and likewise I want him to go I send him off as well because really the bottom line is you want the other person to be happy yeah yeah you want them to be happy so it is that simple what is it that you need that makes you happy oh actually no offense but being on my own okay let's hear your perfect afternoon please okay perfect afternoon i'm on a beach with though with my best girlfriends and we're like actually i know exactly what beach is it's an on speces in greece

and we're having the what's that amazing greek beer that i love mythos i'm drinking that we're tanning like it's 1977 and we have no idea about melanoma it's like we're returning we're turning like rotisserie chickens just because it's just for one afternoon. We may be stopping and we're having a Greek salad and there's maybe some oregano fried potatoes. Oh, yeah. There's maybe some lamb. We're having maybe some grilled fish. And then we're back on the beach.

And there's no music. It's really basic sun lounges. Some people are reading, some people aren't. And we're just, there's like, the only sound is us talking fucking bollocks for six hours. Heaven. The best, isn't it? Just like a good old goss going on.

A good old goss on a beach. Good old goss. And it's going from like, we're analyzing big things and then we're telling like stories about people we know and then it goes into that you know when you spend so much time with friends which you never really get to do in your 30s onwards where it's like let's go down the row of sun loungers and decide what personality what motorway we would be according to our personality oh yeah just. Just like point like mundane, pointless. Yeah. And then it gets to the point where it's like, someone says something,

someone says something too quickly. Like, Oh, I've always thought you would be the M25. I've just always, you know, like someone says something like that and then it goes down a bit wrong with the other person. And then it becomes a bit, a bit snappy because everyone's drunk too much mythos. But then we reel it back. Oh, wow. There has to be some sort of tiny squabble about something.

I love a bit of a squabble. Yeah, nonsensical squabble. Yeah. We had a big one, actually, a couple of weeks ago. Me and all those girls went to this hotel for the weekend, had such a nice time. And I said it in an offhand way, oh, of course with this group, there's the old big bum club and the flat bum club.

And everyone was like, oh, yeah, yeah. And it was like, oh, Sabrina's. What? Everyone knew what club they were in, except one of us thought she had a big bum and all of us were like mate you have got a very flat bum you've got a small flat bum and it she was like i promise you i'm in the in the big fat bum club and we were like we absolutely swear to you you're not oh it's better that way around though isn't it which club are you in oh I'm in the big bum I'm in the really

bad I don't really don't like my bum I really don't like it it's got smaller recently I shrunk it for going on the Zoe app you shrunk the bum from the Zoe app I want to juice up the bum with the Zoe app oh yeah I don't know how you juice up a bum do you know what the problem is with zoe this is another thing that's like one of those emails i don't answer it so hangs over me every morning those fucking cookies keep sticking them in the freezer and then they expire i've got through three of these cookies haven't even started yet oh really oh what was the most interesting thing you found out from zoe that i have poor both poor poor blood sugar and poor blood fat control oh that feels so damning poor blood fat control yeah so be careful when you eat fat because it takes ages to clear your system so you, you know, you better leave a really big gap between your fatty meals, you fat bum.

You big fat bum club. Dear president of the big fat bum club. Yeah, have you ever thought about the fact that you've got bad fat control, you fat bum? No, I hadn't. So let's have your perfect night, please. I'm not on the beach. I'm not in Greece anymore.

I'm back home. And I've got people coming round and it's like, they're coming at like eight o'clock for dinner and it's six o'clock and I'm on my own. Or I might even have a friend there doing a bit of sous-chefing.

Oh yeah. And I'm cooking for a load of people. And I'm playing some, like, Motown classics. Are you playing them yourself on your guitar? With one hand while I chop with the other. No, I've just got a banging playlist on. I've got a glass of wine in my hand. I just think that there should be a word for that feeling.

It's just the best feeling ever. The feeling of hosting. But are they here yet? No, it's like you're waiting for them. But then the other thing there should be a word for, which I love, is like hearing people downstairs or next door having a good time in your house oh god so nice the sound from the loo the loo yeah you're in the loo and you can hear people downstairs

opening wine and laughing and talking it's like it's so cozy and lovely it just makes me feel like that is the whole point of life that feeling you the French word, what's that word for when, you know, the staircase thought? Oh, yeah. What is it? Ponce de la Scalaire or something like that. It's the sonde. Écoutez. No, it can't be because what we're finding is easier.

Écoutez mes amis avec vous. Yeah, okay. Very catchy. Very catchy. They come round for dinner dinner all the food works everything you know i'm not fussing in the kitchen you know it's just like a really relaxed lovely evening and then this is the most perfect bit of the perfect day and it's so hard to find this and i feel like every single person over 30 wants this. I go to a pub with a dance

floor. Oh yeah. Why is it so hard to find? It's all we want. I know. They don't really exist, do they? There's Boogaloo in Highgate, but it's all 20 somethings in there i want one that's like 30 and over 35 and over you want a casual dance you want to be like you hear this song you got you can maybe dance with a pint in your hand yeah and then you can go have a fag break then you can go in a core and have a chat with someone and it's like it's it's like it's like fun and raucous but it's also sort of wholesome and relaxed yeah and I don't know why it doesn't exist because I just feel like it is such a gap in the market it is every single person over the age of 30 who gets to 11 o'clock on a Friday or a Saturday and they've had like dinner

with a friend or drinks with a friend that's just all they want they just want a pub with a dance floor I never was a club person I never was I always found it scary I have a friend whose theory is that no one was ever a club person they discovered this when the pubs went 24 hours and everyone could stay at the pub and actually all anyone was ever doing when they were going to a nightclub was just continuing the night the pub exactly yeah i do feel like it's the one part of my 30s that i feel like i've i still like feel like such a like you still haven't really nailed that you sound really which is what is a night out you get to a point where it's like most of the fun's happening around someone's table which is nice but I like

the night I always have done I like the night as a promise I like the the unknown of it I like bumping up against people I don't know I just don't know I'm not sure where I'm meant to be I can't work out like where I'm meant to be having this fun, but I know I still really want it. Yeah. I really, really relate to that feeling. How do you feel about karaoke? Love karaoke. Karaoke is quite, gets quite close to that feeling. Yeah. But you need to have the right group of people have you ever played karaoke roulette no so this is a game that we're i'm sure we invented it and sometimes me and my me and my husband will just go and play this on our own on it if we go on a date night this is so sad but we'll go out for dinner and

we'll get really hammered and then we'll go and we'll book a karaoke booth just oh yeah i do that so it's really fun doing it's a funny thing to do on a day i've done it but it's much better with a group no offense to him but it is and then and what you do is you have to go to one of those like with a with a heavy catalog of music that you don't know ideally yeah yeah it was why it was really good in america as well and then you just type any number into the machine you know those karaoke machines that have a catalog and you have to put the number in it has to be one of those and then you type this is such a good idea and the chances are you won't know the song but you have to sing it anyway

that's so good it's chaos obviously yeah i did go on a 40th recently where i tried to instigate karaoke roulette and everyone was like what are you doing just put ace of base on stop fucking around i think that's really fun and actually you've just you've actually just reminded me of an addendum that i would add like a post script to the perfect night which is let me ask you jess are you a fan of sea shanties oh god i'm aware of sea shanties but i didn't get i didn't fully get on board with them so i don't know where i got into i've always been like i don't know quite annoying about the sea one of those people right and i i don't know something got advertised about this like sea shanty festival in Port Isaac last year. It's off the back of that breakup.

So it's already quite a vulnerable target. And me and my friends went to Port Isaac and we rented just like a little seaside cottage. And we had it all. There are basically seven bangers in the sea shanty cannon and take it away in south australia where i was born okay so it's like that it's so easy to know the tunes and the lyrics it's like oh ha he low away it's like drunk people's music. Yeah. Within an hour, we knew all the Sea Shanty songs. And they literally, it's just different Sea Shanty bands from around the world, mostly Cornwall,

just doing the same songs over and over again. No one gets bored of them. You pick them up so fast. Oh my God, that's so funny. And then day two, we did take MDMA. We did do that, Jess. We did do that Jess we did do that and we it's little once a year treat and we did it at the Sea Shanty Festival and it gave it a lovely edge it was oh I bet it did it's the perfect combo so that's where the night would end

oh my good God. Did you end up, were you by the sea? Did you end up in the sea? Yeah, we ended up in the sea. And it was like, do you know what else? It was so magical. All of Port Isaac has no phone signal. Oh, wow.

So it just felt like we were in this. It was amazing. We just felt like we were in this like parallel universe for three days no needy whatsapps for dolly alderton thank you no just a bit of mdma and what should we do with the drunken sailor that's the one i was trying to remember i must know a sea shanty something about walking a flank what should we do the junk and sailor early in the morning it's a club classic throw him in the thing oh no give me some mdma i can make this better

oh dolly thank you so much for coming on perfect so much it you so much. This was so fun. It was so lovely to talk to you. I feel like. Do you want to go for a coffee? Problem is, I don't drink coffee after 2pm and you don't leave the house till 7pm. So what the fuck are we going to do?

Something's gone wrong there. I guess it's MDMA at 9pm. I think it's MDMA at 9pm. To the tune of Shanty Man. Thanks so much Ah, isn't she great Well, I'm about to go and get off my tits and learn some sea shanties but just before that

if you know of any great pubs with dance floors where you can drink pints and listen to Jarvis Cocker, please let us know. And if you haven't read Dolly's latest book, Good Material, get a wiggle on. It is genuinely brilliant. I loved it so much. If you enjoyed the episode, why not like, subscribe and leave us a review. And if you hated it, I do not care. And there is absolutely no reason to tell me. If you want, you can give us a follow on Instagram, Twitter and TikTok. We're at at Perfect Day Pod, where we'll give you all the info about our amazing upcoming guests. If you like this, you're going to love Emerald Fennell, who's on in a couple of weeks. And we have Adam Buxton and the Drifters Girls all lined up for your listening pleasure.

That's all for now. From Yorkshire with Love, I'm Jessica Knappett, wishing you a perfect day. Mum? What is it? Are we there yet? Hello there, it's me, Harry Hill, with some exciting news. I've got a brand new podcast. It's called Are We There Yet? And is the world's first family-friendly podcast that's designed to get you from A to B. Join me, my son Gary...

Hello! ...and Sarah the AI bot... Hello, Harry. ...as we delve into the childhood memories of a motley crew of comedians, celebrities and cultural icons. Is it on now, Daddy? Yes, Gary, it is. I'll be there.

Yet. I'm Natalie Cassidy and I've been wanting to do a podcast of my own for a very long time. And here it is. I'm going to be talking each week to family, friends, most importantly, you. I want to talk about the issues that are bothering me, things that make me smile, and how we get through that washing basket without having a nervous breakdown. This is a podcast for the general public, for the normal people. So get on board, become part of my community, and let's have a laugh.