Perfect Day with Jessica Knappett - EP27: Rosie Jones

Episode Date: January 23, 2025

Comedian, writer, actor and as you’re about to find out, psychopath, the incredible Rosie Jones joins Jessica Knappett this week to share her Perfect Day. In what may be the first ever tangent free episode, we find out that Rosie’s perfect day IS NOT drinking rum by the water in Barbados. Her real perfect day is even better, and includes plenty of staring at her muscles in the shower, and a little bit of admin, you'll just have to trust the process on this one! Like and subscribe for brand-new episodes every Thursday. Follow us on Instagram @perfectdaycast. And, why not get in touch? Email us at [e-mail] A Keep It Light Media Production Sales, sponsorship and general enquiries: [e-mail] Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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But her maternal instincts take a wild and surreal turn as she discovers the best, yet fiercest part of herself. Based on the acclaimed novel, Nightbitch is a thought-provoking and wickedly humorous film from Searchlight Pictures. Stream Nightbitch January 24 only on Disney+. All right then. I am a psychopath. Hello perfect listeners.

I'm Jessica Knappett and you are on your own kid. Today's perfect guest is a comedian, writer, actor and as you're about to find out, psychopath. It's the incredible Rosie Jones. We start by finding out what Rosie Jones' perfect day absolutely is not. It's important to discount things first, isn't it? And while many of you may think that a run-fuelled day spent by the water in Barbados is the pinnacle of perfection, I can assure you that Rosie has something even better in store.

In our maybe first ever Tangent Free podcast episode, and that is thanks to Rosie. We get to hear in glorious detail all about Rosie's perfect day, which includes her staring at her muscles in the shower and a sexy hostage situation. It's what we've come to expect from Jones. Now, if that hasn't piqued your interest, you're're looking for the finance podcast playlist and you should probably leave now. Otherwise here we go guys it's Rosie Jones's perfect day. Who doesn't love standing in the church and saying cunt All right then

Rosie Jones, thank you so much for coming on. Hello I'm already so excited Rosie Jones, thank you. Hello! Thank you so much for coming on. Hello! I'm already so excited because I think I've been here for 10 minutes and we've already opened up I would say eight conversation tabs. There's a lot of tabs. And we have not remotely closed any of them.

That is such a good point. Cause I do that all the time and I don't know. I, do people close tabs? Is that what a conversation is? Yeah, I think normal same people meet up, open the tab, start a conversation, get to the end and they move on. No. No. Are you in that category?

Do you open a tab and then close it? So I've said this before and I'll say this again. I am a psychopath. So I am very, very happy to leave a tap open as long as we close it one day. Okay, one day. Rosie, I had no idea that that was the definition of a psychopath. I didn't read that in John Ronson's Psychopath Facts as one of the criteria, but I now fully understand the mind of a psychopath. I remember everything. Ha ha ha! Said so menacingly.

She did not break eye contact when she said that. Well, I'm glad someone's going to be keeping tabs on this conversation because it is what we've discovered so far. There is a format. There are three questions. I don't always get through all three of them. Well, that's okay, because I'm already coming to you with a problem. Yeah. Because obviously I've thought about this podcast for I would say two months.

Constantly. Yeah, Rosie. I would say two months. Constantly. Yeah, it's rosy. So I'm not sure if I'll be able to do a morning, afternoon, evening. It's a favourite day. Oh, right. Okay. It's fine. I mean, it's not fine, obviously, because that is the format and we do have to put the stings in three times, otherwise it doesn't work. But we'll go with it.

We'll go! We can at least start with the morning. Yeah, yeah. Okay, let's go. Are you ready? Are you ready? Yeah. I have a lot of great days. I have a lot of dream days and they're usually something like I wake up in baby dots, a drink room at 9am, I continue to drink room, I read a book, a

drink room, I have a sleep, a drink room. And they're great. Oh, just a lovely rummy day. They're so needed, but are they perfect? So what? Do you genuinely have these rum-filled Barbados days? These are, these are, this is a common occurrence for you? Oh, god yeah! God yeah! You don't take holidays. I've seen how hard you work. Well, something we might talk about later is In autumn last year I filmed my own sitcom and I Friday and on the Sunday morning I was on a flight And you had 10 days in a room filled state to not think about anyone or anything was perfect

And not having to be deliberately funny Yeah Well I am funny, that goes without saying Who were you with? Did you go? Oh my mummy and my daddy Yes And they've really played it but they are brilliant and they totally got how hard I worked so they just left me alone to swim in the pool and read my books and then every night we go out and chat. Chat, chat, chat. It was ideal. Heaven! But that is a great day. It's not my perfect day.

No, but it's up there. It's up there. And there can be elements of that. Maybe we're just taking a bit of the morning. Yeah, no. No, okay, let's hear it then. Let's hear it. It's good that you've ruled out

Barbados. I've ruled out Barbados. I haven't ruled out rum yet. No, nobody's taking rum away from you Rosie. I'm gonna look at me in a second and go, what the fuck are you talking about? But I am starting my day, my perfect day, with a 7am PT session. Oh my god. I have actually, I saw you in the last episode of Taskmaster do a hundred presses and you were banging on about how fucking great you were planking and showing Alex Horne your muscles. So it's all true. Yeah. So, about a year ago, I started seeing a PT called Ben.

I thought I'd get a boy one. So, I wouldn't be distracted. Also I am very okay with calling him a piece of shit. Oh brilliant! It's really good. You're okay with that? Is he okay with that? Doesn't matter. Doesn't matter, I suppose. He gets paid. That piece of shit gets paid. So, 7am, Ben comes round to my house and we do an hour session.

I'm sweating. I hate it when I'm doing that day, I can eat whatever, I can drink whatever, knowing that I swatted. You earned that. I earned that. Oh wow, it's amazing that you're putting yourself through a punishment. The first thing you've got to do is punish yourself for it Yeah, but by 8 a.m. It's done. It's done I love it And then I get in the shower I look a lot like Mammoth souls at my muscles. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha And again, I'm gonna leave you something and put a pin in it.

When I'm in the shower, I think of a brand new joke. Oh, lovely. Because I come up with most of my stand up in the shower. Do you? Yeah. Cos it's probably the time of the day that I'm doing shit on. And I go, oh will that work? Yes. Let's try it out. and they go, oh, will that work? Yeah. Let's try it out.

I think the shower, there's a whole Reddit thread, isn't there, called Shower Thoughts? Yeah. I think there's something about, there's something about the fact that you can't take your phone in, there's something about the fact that your feelings haven't been hurt yet. Yeah. It's so early in the day that you're not, unless you've done something terrible the night before, which obviously is quite likely for you. Being like a psychopath.

And if you're not too distracted by your muscles. Well, see that's the thing about me. me, I'm so talented that I can look at my muscles and come up with great life changing bits of comedy. And what do you think you will remember the joke? Do you have to get out of the shower and go and write it down or record it? Yes! You've already forgotten! I'm a psychopath! Sorry, you remember? Oh my god! Of course you remember everything!

I remember everything! Oh my god, you're not gonna... yeah, alright, that joke tab might be open but it will be closed. Yeah. It will be closed. Yeah. It will be closed. Yeah. Because she forgets. She forgets nothing.

Really, so even material that is psychopathic. My disability, cause I can write but it takes me ages and most of the time I cannot be thought. So I just think, oh I'll just remember it. I used to do that at school, just like I hear something and then I think, well I could spend ages writing it down or I could remember it and then chat a bit to my friends. Oh my god, I'm so, this is absolutely amazing, especially given how much rum you drink. Do you ever find that it's diminished by the rum? No, no. Really? No, no. It's strengthened. It helps. It helps. Oh my god, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no groceries delivered across the GTA from real Canadian Superstore with PC Express.

Shop online for super prices and super savings. Try it today and get up to $75 in PC Optimum Points. Visit superstore.ca to get started. I need to assure you that my perfect day gets better than this. But after this hour I spend three hours doing admiring. Oh for fuck's sake, you've got one of these pricks on. Fucking hell. You've really let me down here actually, right? No. Here, no. You admire your muscles. You come up with a genius joke because you're a genius. And

then you do three hours of abluming. Right, shall we go now? Wait. No, no. Hear me out. So, back to my lovely baby, Dusty. I do enjoy it but I do get in bed going. She's got a falling box all the way in on that bit of work blah blah blah it faded three hours admin in my morning and this won't surprise you email I get in folders so my inbox is always empty. I actually do that to you, Rosie. Yes! I actually have folders in my inbox as well. It's so good. It really is great.

It's so good. It's a really good feeling. But it's not a good feeling if your emails are not in your folders. No. And I don't inbox right now I have three emails. I'm sorry to hear that. I know. Two I got yesterday. So they are things that I'll do today. One email has been in there since 2022.

Yeah. Is it one of your friend's scripts? patient editor in the world who is writing a Matthews children's book. Oh. So in... Oh, I feel like I'm crazy actually. In my perfect day, I will reply to that email. With a book. With a book. With a book.

I will give her in turn her perfect day. And in turn, the children. Yeah. Their perfect day. Oh God, this is so great. So you've done your three hour admin sesh. Yeah. So I think that takes our term a day. Great.

Well, we've done it. We've done it. We've actually done the morning and we haven't free flowed around. It wasn't as chaotic as I thought because we've got a psychopath on our hands. Okay, well, let's do it then. It's lunchtime. It's the afternoon. Rosie, what's your perfect afternoon? Okay, we're leaving the house. Well done. We are meeting other human beings other than Ben and Petey. But he doesn't count!

No, you've already referred to him in the piece of shit. And now you're saying he doesn't count. Does he listen to podcasts or? Hiya Ben! I love you! See you tomorrow! So... Now I'm going out for a brunch but a bottomless brunch and ideally we're going somewhere that closed five years ago. Oh right. Well yeah that would make, that makes perfect sense. So there was a membership club called the hospital club in London

and they did a bottomless brunch and usually they say bottomless brunch but you get one egg and a glass of prosecco every two hours and it's a one hour slot. The hospital club threw that out the window. You could have anything, you got cocktails and because they knew me they used to just give me three bottles of prosecco for the table and we crack on. And it was 10am to 3pm and at 2.55 they would come round and go shall we just put four bottles of Prosecco on the table. You're basically describing a wedding. Yeah. I have had the best slash worst days there.

I had one birthday that was so iconic. All of us got absolutely assholed. We had no idea when any of us left I all just went to the toilet and then went home without telling anyone. Two of my friends got so drunk, a couple, they left at about 2pm. Asshole. that about 2pm, asshole 9 months later had a baby hah iconic that human life is born? No, no I haven't. No one has Rosie, just you. And the best part of any of this is I'm pretty sure it was like £50 a head but at the end they gave you the receipt of what it should have cost. Did they really? So one time, I think there were six of us, so it should have been £300 and they came and it really cost £3000. Well no wonder it's shut down.

You shut that place down. Week after week after week. Not to mention, I mean it's cheaper than IVF isn't it I suppose How many babies did they spawn? I can't believe it This is epic I would go there and

George would be my best friend Also my mum and dad will be there because I sure me and my mum don't go missing. And then it gets to about 5pm. Everyone's had such a lovely time that they don't want to end it. But I have other plans. So I say, tell you what, how about you lot get a new bed back to my flat and carry on the party But you're not going? I'm not going

So is it that, I mean I'm assuming that it's because you're going to end up back there later and you just want that to be But do you like the idea of all your friends, you're okay with all your friends hanging out without you? Yeah, I love that. In your house. And more than that, so I bought my own flat about three years ago and I fucking love it. I love how if I want to see no one I can. If I want to go you come to my flat again and that idea of just having this space, hope that everyone can chill out, relaxing, I honestly don't care if I'm there or on or just knowing that they're having a good time in a happy, chilled place.

You're the new hospital club. And I will get shot down imminently. Oh, this is so great. I love this. Is there more? So, wait, this is when it gets tricky cos it's all flowing. Time is becoming elastic. Yeah. Yeah, it's a very black day, okay. So then I think we'll learn into evening because my friends and family are now off to my house and I'm off in Anooba on my own.

So when I'm in the Uber on my own, I do something that I recently did and I think it was the single greatest single I've ever done. Oh my god I can't wait to hear this. So a few weeks ago I went to Abbey Village with my mum and dad and two of my friends and we went to a matinee And about 4pm we were tipsy but happy but ready to chill out in my lovely flat. without telling them I did a big sage bridge order where I ordered 8 bottles of Prosecco and every crisp known to man. I did a huge pizza order for my favourite pizza shop yard sale. And I did a big fried chicken order from Popeyes and chips and I swear to God I timed it so well well that when we were pulling up outside my flat three Uber drivers were also pulling up. It's like a scene from Succession. I know.

Blacked out car, just a convoy of blacked out cars. So we didn't even go in the house and then the doorbell rang. We went in the Uber on my own I will be buying all the food, all the take away, all the drinks for my friends and family. So when they get to my flat, it's all done, it's all sorted. All they need to do is crack it all open and carry on the party. I really, really love this. Also, you've really redeemed yourself as a psychopath by making one of your perfect moments, your perfect night, being an act of surprise generosity. That is actually really, it's actually for a psychopath or unless it's, I don't know, maybe there is something menacing about it. Is it because actually you're trying to control the feelings? Yes!

Or is it because I don't trust any of my friends and family to buy or order the right things? Oh yeah, no. They can't do the right thing. Basically, I want to know that when I get home, there's cold pizza, there's bottles in the fridge. Oh god. Yeah, I mean, this does sound like my... I actually... It's not often that I want to be on the perfect... I don't always want to be on the perfect day but I don't want to be in the shower and I don't want to do the admin but I do want to be at the bottomless brunch and I do want to be in this taxi on the way back or just with with the gang of friends back home waiting for the chicken to arrive. I think I'm being very honest with you and from my friend's point of view

they just had a great day they met me at 1pm they were on their party train but I'm also having the perfect day because I know I've written a book. You've written a book? Yeah, I thought you were going to say they're having a perfect day because they've had a little break from you. No, see, that's so chaotic and we'll get onto it later. I am living for when I return. The win! You're back! That's a great feeling. It's the encore basically isn't it? It's like the encore reception. But for now I'm in the Uber, I've booked everything for them. I'm now there at the gig. Okay!

Okay, where's the gig? I've thought about it a lot and I don't think it's a talk show. I don't think it's my own show. Oh. Because that will give me too much pressure. I think I'm on a mixed bill at the Union Chapel. Everyone loves that place. I love it. The acoustics are amazing. Always a great people. Yeah, pals. You got your niche Kumar, you got your Chloe Pets, you got your Helen Bower, you got your gel eyes, you just have really good you got a bit of an advantage. And the material I do is a mixture of old and new so I'm very comfortable with it. It's only 20 minutes so it's quite too dull.

The audience is so lovely that I try out the new jokes. From the shower! From the shower and it kills. It is amazing. So I come up feeling on cloud nine. I'm so happy little bit of a party. They're like, yeah, yeah, yeah. So in a convoy with all the great comedians, we go back to my flat. Fantastic.

Oh, shit! I have one more break rooms so back at brunch when I said shall we all go back All of my friends said, Oh, damn it, I got plans tonight with a friend. And I said, I'll bring them along. So this is what I mean. It's a very chill, spontaneous thing. So me and comedians getting back to my flat, it's cooking on gas, music is pumping, it's also probably May, so the doors open, people are outside.

I think there's about 30 people there. So every boomerang going, there's a good vibe. I know pretty much everyone there. There's a few partners who are joined, and then I see my French friend. I see my French friend. Here we go, here we go. I love that this has been seen. Yeah, come on.

How fit is she? How fit is she? How much does she fancy you? Oh my god, this is so good. Yeah, it's so good. You're so glad. At this point you are so, so glad you worked out this morning. Oh god, I'm there! She's so fair! So! But we don't talk!

No. Of course not. What? Why? talk no no what why because I'm too busy I'm making margaritas I'm chatting to my friends I don't want this entire party to be about my future wife. No, but it is fast becoming about that. We continue drinking and dancing about 1am. People go tired. People go home slow. They're like, I've been drinking since 10am. Whenever the brunch started. They are all covered outside and I think I'm alone in my thought. Oh my god. And then the...

Oh my god. Where is this fit creep hidden? Pffft. I love this fantasy. I love this sexual fantasy. You think you're in your flat alone but there's actually just a really hot lesbian hiding

in a wardrobe somewhere. Ha ha ha ha! Perfect! but there's actually just a really hot lesbian hiding in a wardrobe somewhere oh my god this is so good She's in the toilet. She comes out, she's like, oh shit, has everyone gone? I'm like, damn. Yeah. Yeah, yes they have, and the doors are locked. And you can't leave now, I'm afraid. And I'm like, don't worry, we did in chat and we start chatting. Very good. And you know what you will not believe it of me but it is so piggy. We sit lovely. The sun comes up. With the time gone, she needs to go home. Before she finally goes and it's so lovely and we agree to meet up naturally. The tab is opened.

The tab will never close. And then I get in bed, the birds are now singing. I know that the entire next day I got nothing to do, no plans and now I've done all my work I needed to so the next day is a TV, pyjama, book reading day and I sleep. Oh my god. Rosie Jones. One of the most descriptive, detailed podcasts we've ever recorded. I was there. I was there with you every minute, minute to minute. Incredible. Thank you so much for that journey. I'm really glad that you got your book finished. I'm really glad that you got your book finished. And I met my wife. And you met your wife.

Rosie, thank you so much. We have one bonus question if you've got time. We're asking people now, what is a piece of perfection you'd recommend this week? Something that's making you week a bit more perfect? A book, a film, a TV show? You know what? So we've been in the heart of January. We are. I saw my mum and I watched it's an old film now but God's Food Part.

Oh yeah. And I swear to God I've seen that film about 20 times but the acting, the writing, the layers of it is perfect. That is such a great recommendation, such a good January film. Yeah, just Sunday, get your blanket on, hot chocolate, Kristen Seagott Thomas. So great. Fucking hell. Oh, they don't make them like that anymore. She could be my friend's friend.

She certainly could. Yeah, like her. She's popping out of the loop. Yeah. She's invited to stay until the sun comes up. Oh Rosie thank you so much for coming on Perfect Day. Thank you. I keep seeing you on that journey. Do you want to tell us a little bit about your sitcom before you go? Give us some goss. Yes so I've been filming my sitcom which will be on channel 4 this year and I play a drug dealer which is based on my real life

yeah she did offer me massive ice- weight coke when she walked in. I'm still ready for you whenever you want it. I'm throwing cat for free. If I coke you get cat free. That's her slogan. Is that how it works? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, I think that's how it works. So yeah, we've been the edit now and it's the proudest thing I've ever done. It's so silly and joyful and yeah I hope you like it.

So do I. And we don't know when it's out yet. No. Do we know what it's called yet? No. Oh brilliant. I cannot wait to see that. It sounds amazing. Thank you. Thank you so much Rosie. That was epic. Staggeringly, I think we closed almost if not every tab in that episode. We be closing. That's Jones for you.

That is Jones. Thank you so much for sharing your perfect day with us, Rosie Jones. And you seriously reclaimed it after a slightly questionable morning of exercise and admin. Look out for Rosie's sitcom, airing sometime this year, mysterious. And her next children's book, of course,

which may be available sometime in the next 10 years if we're lucky. Brand new episodes every Thursday with Fatir El Ghori, with Angela Scanlon, with Hugh Davis joining us in the weeks to come. So like and subscribe, you know what to do, follow us on that Perfect Day cast for all your Perfect Day news. And leave us a review if you've got something nice to say. I'll see you next week. From Yorkshire with love, I'm Jessica Knappett, wishing you a perfect day. Bye.