Perfect Day with Jessica Knappett - EP32: Rob Auton

Episode Date: February 20, 2025

Artist, comedian and “crab cake kid” Rob Auton joins Jess this week to hash out the finer details of his perfect day. Logistically, it’s a big one - but we think we can make it happen. It’s a trip down memory lane to start - with Glastonbury 2003 and Jamie’s Italian making an appearance followed by a, albeit brief, trip to the afterlife and some home renovation for productivity. Like and subscribe for brand-new episodes every Thursday. Follow us on Instagram @perfectdaycast. And, why not get in touch? Email us at [e-mail] A Keep It Light Media Production Sales and general enquiries: [e-mail] Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

With the Fizz loyalty program, you get rewarded just for having a mobile plan. You know, for texting and stuff. And if you're not getting rewards like extra data and dollars off with your mobile plan, you're not with Fizz. Switch today. Conditions apply. Details at fizz.ca. All right then. It was just a guy having a full on piss against the backs of my legs. Hello Perfect Dayers, I'm Jessica Knappett and you are wearing a shirt and a gilet and for that you must be punished.

Welcome to Perfect Day. Today's guest is a true artist and an artist. But you know what I mean, one of those artists is a comedian and he's the Crab Cake Kid. It's Rob Orton and we go into meticulous detail to really hash out his perfect day. And look, I've crunched the numbers and to complete his perfect day, we have to allow around 72 hours, but thank God for the time and space continuum, which doesn't exist in this perfect world. But anyway, you're going to enjoy this one. We cover all the bases.

We start with some home renovation. We, we, we go to Christmas, we go to Greece. We take a little trip to the afterlife. And you've got a lot to look forward to here in this perfect bonus episode. So let's get started, guys. This is Rob Alton's perfect day. But the thing is, I die for long enough

to see what happens when you die. All right then. Rob, it's so nice to meet you. We've never met. Nice to meet you too. I've heard lots about you. We've got mutual friends. I don't know if you know this. Oh yeah, who? Amy Gledhill? Yes. And obviously I've heard all about you, but we've never met in person. Are you at home, Rob?

Yes, I'm at home. I'm in Peckham, just near Nunhead. Yeah, that's cool. That's a cool place. Yeah, it's all right. Are you from Bradford? Yeah, but that makes me sound like cool and edgy and I'm not. I'm from like a little village. I'm BD16, mate.

Oh yeah. You know what I mean? Yeah, well I'm Y04 too. You're Y0. I thought you were Y04 too. Y042. You're Y0, I thought you were Y0. 42. Y042, so that's towards Hull. Oh wow.

Yeah. You're barely Y at 42. I know. Is there a 4-3? Does it go above 4-2? I don't think, I don't know. I mean Y01, what's that? I guess that'll be.

Central York, I would have thought. City centre, York Minster. Yeah. Yeah. Does it go above four two? I don't think, I don't know. I mean, why a one? What's that? I guess that'll be... Central York I would have thought. Central York Minster.

I look like I've been beheaded. That's not... One of those people that you see like that. Yeah you look like you should be on a spike. No you don't. You don't. I'm agreeing with you because I'm trying to yes and, but actually what's happened is I've, I've agreed with you that you look like you've been better.

Yes and is that, that's a improv technique, isn't it? Yeah. That's when you said, yeah. Have you ever done improv? No, I've never done it. Have you? Yeah, I don't, I'm not very good at it. I like it when there's a script and you can make up your own, you can say it in the way that you'd say it. I. I like it when there's a script and you can make up your own, you can say it in the way that you'd say it. I don't like it when there's absolutely nothing and you just have to create a scene out of absolutely nothing.

There's too much that could go wrong and it gives me a panic attack. But I do know that you can, it is possible and I've seen it done well. And yes, the technique is yes and. Yeah. So that you don't shut down the scene. Yes and being agree with what the other person is saying, build on it. Yes and. I believe. Yes and. But you, Rob, are an artist. What I would say is you're an artist comedian.

Does that mean a really like poor one? No, it does not. It means you have an artistic sensibility. Oh, thank you. Yeah, I'll take that as a compliment for sure. I've listened to some of your daily podcast. Oh, really? Which is fantastic.

Tell me how you arrived at the idea of doing a podcast every day. Basically I had loads of poems and stories kind of saved up that I'd written that I wanted to put out and I thought how can we do this and then met with the people at Plosive and they said why don't we do a daily podcast of your poems and stories? So I said, yes, please. And they did that.

And then it was in 2020, so it was the pandemic. So luckily I didn't really have much else to do. And neither did anyone else. Yeah, so I was just putting these things on, poems and stories, and then I did it again this year for six months, I think, every day. But we'd record a batch at a time, so we'd do like a month at a time recording. And some of them, you know, sometimes the adverts were longer than the episodes, which is not ideal. But I love doing it. It was very inspiring when I saw it.

I thought that is such a great idea to just sort of challenge yourself to do something. Yeah, I think the best thing about it for me was it gave my ideas like a home to go to. And so, you know, when you're walking around, you might have a little idea for something like, where can I put that? And it's just like, oh, well, I'll write it up as a page and then read it into a microphone and put it on as a podcast. And then some of the ideas that I had became slightly longer stories and then bits for shows

and stuff like that. And I love just trying to make my work feel solid as quickly as possible. Or like the ideas. You know, when you share an idea, someone's reaction to it solidifies itself within me. like kind of going, oh, that person liked it. I can't be completely mental. And that's what I used to love doing. I used to do a lot of open mic poetry gigs. And I would write something and then say it

out loud. And then even just like a couple of people making a noise was enough to me to think, oh yeah. Even if they, what kind of noise? Yeah, yeah, yeah, retching and going out. That's definitely going in. Retching. Do you think everyone's ever done that? I get, bleh. Haven't there been, I feel like I've read, there's a couple of comedians that did shows this year at Edinburgh where people were fainting.

One of them was Richard Herring. Maybe it wasn't this year or another year. I think because they gave such graphic descriptions of, I think for Richard Herring it was about his testicular cancer. People were just fainting in their shows, which I think for Richard Herring it was about his testicular cancer. People were just fainting in their shows, which I think is remarkable. Yeah, I mean that's strong stuff, isn't it? Have you? What's the weirdest reaction? The weirdest noise or the weirdest reaction you've had in your show? I mean, the one that was weirdest for me was Deborah Meaden came to my show and the show called

the crowd show and she was in there. I don't know how she found it, but she was there. I was doing a bit in the show and I had an idea for, well I say I've had a business idea and I said, oh, this would be good for you actually. And then I said, oh, everybody, Deborah Meadon's here. A round of applause for Deborah Meadon. And she started to stand up and like, as if she was going to come on stage. No.

And I kind of was like, whoa, whoa, whoa. No, you can sit down there, you dragon. And then did you pitch to her? No, it was just an idea for a joke I had that was, I want to set up a business in Torquay doing walking tours where people on the tour are all in touch via portable radios. But I just can't think of a suitable name for the business, which is Walkie Talkie, you know. And that was it.

Nice. So that was weird. That is really weird. So today, Rob Orsin, we're going to find out who you are as you tell us your perfect day. your perfect day. We're going to start with the morning please tell us your perfect morning. I wake up in my house that I'm in at the moment and there's a knock at the door and it's Charlie Dimock and the ground force team and they they say, oh, hi, Rob. We're here to sort out your garden for you.

You know, you've been in to do it. You haven't done it. There's paving slabs everywhere. And they say, if you've got any ideas, well, I've got these plans actually. So I give them the plans. It's quite elaborate. And they're all there. There's like wagons of people like they're taking turf and already

they've got forks. And then they're just, I'm like, this is fantastic. Any charge? Nope, no charge. So all the people from ground force are sorting the garden out. Are the camera crew there, Rob? No, no camera crew. No, just ground force off cam.

Yeah, yeah. It's like they know it's a project that needs a lot of work and it's going to be a test for them. So they're doing that. And then when they're all in, I'm like, oh, that's great. God, this is a good day already. Then Lawrence the Whirling Bowen comes in and he's like, look, we know you've got a few odd jobs that need doing around you.

First of all, you need to sort your basement out. Now you want that to be a basement conversion, don't you? Yes, please. Well, we're gonna do that for you. And I say, well, I'm gonna be out most of today because I've got a big day planned and are you all right to just crack on with this? And then they're like, yeah, yeah, yeah.

And we're going to put the curtain rail up at the back that you've been meaning to do for ages to stop that draft. All those drafts that you feel and you don't know where they come from, we're going to sort those out. CHARLEYY-LEE It's heavyweighted curtain. BEN And heavyweighted curtain. And it's just, you know, they're like, we're going to get your chimney sorted.

Is this a house that you own? Yeah. Wow. You own a house in London. Comedy's treating you all right, isn't it? Who would have thought? Comedy poetry. Did you buy a house with comedy poetry money? No. I'm just really good at roulette. So Charlie Dimmick's in the house. Lawrence Welland, can I just, by the way, ask you if you have actually seen Lawrence Welland Bowen's work through to the end and I'm just wondering

if that is your style he's quite a flamboyant interior designer I would say. I think for me he's just going, he's not gonna do anything he's mainly him and his work people are gonna be just be putting up shelves and all the jobs that I don't want to do. All right so it's more of a handyman I mean I think I'd say you probably want work people are going to be just be putting up shelves and all the jobs that I don't want to do. And then I'm like, hold on, who's this at the door? Andy, Andy. Right. Like, yeah. Now we're talking. Now we're talking. Andy, Andy's on the case. And so I'm like, oh, look, I just need to go back to sleep.

And then I go back to sleep, and I wake up on Christmas morning at my mom and dad's house. I'm four years old. Right. And it's the first Christmas I can remember, I think. And I'm in bed and I can feel, I wake up at about half seven and I can feel my feet. Did you ever have that where you put your feet to the end of the bed and you can, I've like felt the plastic Christmas sack. I'm like, Oh yes, it's been. And I could feel the presence and is there. And then my mum and dad come in and they're like, Oh, Father Christmas got you this as well. And I remember they wrapped up like my first bike all in paper.

So that was a lot of paper. So it's all like unwrapping. It's so obvious what it is. It's almost pointless wrapping it up. Yeah, and they like to stabilise it and they're all poking through the paper. Anyway, I'm outside straight away in my pyjamas and it's too cold and my mum says, get back to bed. So I have that moment. I'd love to have that moment.

So then I go back to bed and then I wake up. Because it's too cold. And it's Saturday morning of Glastonbury 2003, the night before I'd seen R.E.M. and David Gray. And then on the Saturday night I was about to see the flaming lips and radio head on the pyramid stage. Wow. I just remember the excitement and I'm with all my uni-mates. The wait is over. The NBA season is here and FanDuel's the place to bet on all the action. I'm talking everything from point spreads to money lines to player props.

You can even pick who's going to win it all. Whether you're betting on a breakout performance or an underdog victory, tip off the season right with North America's number one sportsbook. Just download the app and bet on the NBA all season long. Please play responsibly. 19 Plus is physically located in Ontario. If you have questions or concerns about your gambling or the gambling of someone close to you, please go to connectsontario.ca. Where did you go to uni Rob?

Northumbria in Newcastle. Oh, what did you do? English? I did graphic design. Really? Yeah, it was like an idea's base course. So I did like an art foundation course at York College. Because I loved drawing and painting when I was little, well, when I was at school. And then I went and did an art foundation course and then did graphic design at university. But it was an idea's base course.

It was all concepts and stuff and it wasn't so much about how things looked but more about the idea behind it. Right, okay. So you didn't do much practical, you didn't do a lot of drawing and... There was a bit of that. The best thing about that course was that they had some really old like print presses and like really heavy machinery that you could do like lino cuts on and stuff that I absolutely loved and I loved going to university in Newcastle I've got a bit about that towards the evening. So tell me about Glastonbury, you've woken up with your mates in Glastonbury. Where are

you camping Rob? We're camping just away from the pyramid stage. So to the back, as you're looking at the pyramid stage, it's to the back on the right hand side, which I've never camped there again. That was the first year. And I remember it so easy to get tickets then. This was like two days, two or three days after they went on sale. It's just like, yeah, just went on and got them. But that was the first time I'd ever been to.

You just log on. You just log on. I remember, I think it was 2000, I'm sure I went 2004 maybe. And yeah, we just got on our computers at uni and just went to the computer room and just bought some tickets. Was that Paul McCartney that year? I can't remember whether it was, I'm sure there was like a white stripes Amy Winehouse, but I might be merging some years.

Yeah. Stripes, Amy Winehouse, but I might be merging some years. Yeah. It was like there was an Elbow White Stripes Coldplay Amy Winehouse year. That's pretty good year, isn't it? I think that was the same year, but I went like three years in a row and I think I might have merged. There was an Oasis year. Where he had his white coats on.

Yeah. I did feel like I was going to die in the crowd though that year, because the crowd was so mental and I couldn't, I was like properly in the mosh pit. Oh, totally. I was there when you're watching Bruce Springsteen. I was right at the front and felt this warm sensation on the back of my leg. Turn around. It was just a guy having a full on piss against the backs of my legs. I can around, it was just a guy having a full on piss against the backs of my legs. I couldn't believe it. I was like, what are you doing?

He didn't even have his eyes open. It just kept on going. I was like, mate. Oh my God. That is not in my perfect day. Imagine if it was. But in a way, it's so mad when, I mean, you must have spent the rest of Glastonbury telling everybody that story.

In a way, it's what makes it, those mad things happening. I mean, you don't, you wouldn't want to go back. You wouldn't wish to go back and be pissed on again. But I'm, I'm glad you've had that experience. Yeah, no, I am as well, actually. And the listeners are glad you've had it. Let's put it in. Getting pissed on by a stranger at Glastonbury. Tell me more about your perfect morning, if there's anything left.

I mean, we're jam packed already. This is going to be quite, it's quite densely packed, but I just want to do stuff for like quite a short amount of time. So I'm just having these experiences. Then I go back to sleep in the tent and I wake up and it's the first morning of mine and my wife Victoria's honeymoon in Greece and that is where we'll have breakfast. It was insane just looking over the sea and mountains and we'd done this, it was in 2022 just at the end of the pandemic. So it was really quiet in where we were. And the breakfast that they brought out for us every day was just

insane of like, you know, meats and cheeses and eggs and, you. It's weird isn't it how breakfast over there is sort of like a buffet spread that you'd expect at like a northern, I don't know, like a northern sandwich fillings to me. But it's perfectly acceptable to just eat them on their own for breakfast. Slabs of cheese, slabs of ham. But then, you know, we're talking half like pineapples and loads of, there was a lot of stuff. And then, you know, then there's like some cookies and chocolate biscuits and all sorts of stuff and... Still feeling like a party plotter to me, Rob. Pineapple and cheese, biscuits. Nah, you're not doing this justice. I'm not doing this justice.

You know what? It sounds like a Plumman's. Yeah, pretty much was. It wasn't. It was absolutely epic. I do know what you're talking about and it sounds delicious. And also with the, are you on mainland Greece? Is this a Greek island? Greek island. Oh, there's a lot of, a lot of Greek islands feature in people's perfect days.

I think it is because it's heaven. I think I just love, I absolutely love Greece. And we went to Hydra. Have you ever been there? No. That's this Greek island where there's no roads. It's all donkeys. Leonard Cohen used to live there.

Oh, wow. There's only like one section of it. You can walk from one end of the island to the other quite quickly. And yeah, that was brilliant. I do love Greece. I love the food. I always try to make Greek salads for lunch when I can be arsed. You're quite a good cook, aren't you? Because you used to be a genius chef. I know this

from you. I know this because I know you. I know you called Rob Orton, but I know you as the crab cake guy. The crab cake kid. Well, that's the last episode on the podcast, isn't it? I know you called Rob Orton, but I know you as the crab cake guy. The crab cake kid. Is that from, that's the last episode on the podcast. Isn't it? I started listening to your podcast backwards. Thank you. It's a wonderful story. It's so vivid.

That description of working in a, working in a restaurant. I really was transported. It was lovely. It was carnage. Did you used to work in one? Yeah, I've worked in catering. I worked in the kitchen of a hospital once. Oh, did you?

What was that like? Horrible. Was it? Yeah, yeah, it was quite vile really. It was a lot of unhappiness. Was that one of your first jobs? Yeah. Well, my first ever job was working in a cafe in Bingley called Mario's.

Oh yeah. I was very, as I still am, very clumsy and I immediately dropped a lot of drinks and then I was not allowed to actually wait on people anymore. So I just, I was, I had to stay in the kitchen and mainly just sort of pot wash and occasionally prep veg. But it sounds like you were tasked with culinary duties quite quickly. Yeah, I was. They gave me, yeah, microwave duties on my first shifts doing veg and puddings. And then I worked my way up to sandwiches and things like that.

It was great. It was really tough though. I think working in a kitchen is a really good first job because it's quite high pressure. But there's always people who are going to get more bollocked than you if you mess up. You just have to figure it out working in a kitchen and take orders and figure out how to work in a team and get your hands dirty and work quickly. Yeah, I thought I was really chuffed actually that I got that job. And like I was saying in the Crab Cake Kid on the Rob Alton Daily Podcast, I was doing a cooking class, no one else in the class knew how to crack an egg. I know that's great, yeah.

But that's a basic child, I mean, both of my, my youngest child is two. She or she knows how to crack it. But it's like, that's mad. That is mad to me. You know what, you know what's inside that egg. How can you resist cracking it once you know what's in there? Yeah. I think they were just like, I was like, where, where, where did you crack your egg? Like what? I did it on the side of the table. You do it on the side of your bowl if you want, doesn't matter, just get it cracked, come on.

Yeah. Yeah, I do enjoy cooking for sure. All right, then we go swimming in the Olympic pool in Stratford. Ooh. Yeah, and a specific time when my mom came with us to the Olympic pool in Stratford and she didn't know how deep it was and she just jumped straight in and went right down to

the bottom. That's quite scary though for your mum, isn't it? Was she not happy when she came up to the top? It had taken her about an hour to swim. Yeah, no, she was buzzing. It's great. I love the Olympic pool in Stratford. Good. It's only a fiver, Olympic pool in Stratford. Good.

It's only a fiver. Or it was when I was going. So I've been swimming in the Olympic pool. Then I'm on my own for a bit and I'm on a train. I love traveling on a train. Whenever I'm doing tours, I'm always, well, I stopped driving when I moved down to London in 2005 and I haven't got back behind the wheel since, which is a bit of a problem. But I think the thing is, is that when I'm on tour,

I love going on, I mean, the trains are often a bit of a nightmare, but going to a gig, going through my work, and then sometimes I have ideas. So to build into my perfect day, I would like to be sitting on a train, and I have an idea for a bit of writing. Yeah. And I'm frantically there with my notepad.

And you know when you get into the groove of you've got an idea or you just start writing and it's coming and you're like, oh, come on. The flow, the flow. It's flowing, flowing so much. I mean, I'm ignoring the buffet cart and I'm just off on one and I've got a cramp in my hand. And, and it's just like, I just, yeah, it's just, it's, you know, when you feel like when you, you're so chuffed that you sat down and started writing and you get like, I don't know, sometimes it's even just 15 minutes after you're like,

oh yes, I've got that in the tank now. You strike me as you're very prolific, aren't you? So how often are you and how do you find that state or does it take you by surprise? I think the state does take me by, it does take me by surprise. When we were sitting down and doing the writing my ideas out for this podcast last night, I was really enjoying writing all the stuff down in my notebook and just thinking about, honestly, it's such a good podcast to come on because it makes you think about such a positive thing of like what my perfect day would be.

It's almost like it's just a really nice thing to do. I would recommend everyone to just sit down and write down what it would be for sure. Play along at home listeners. Play along at home, get pissed on at Glastonbury. You might be surprised to find. And then I'm off the train in London, having written this amazing, well, what I think is a really good thing. And then I walked onto the National Gallery and I walk in and I'm sitting, then I go and

sit on the sofa that I love in there. And it's opposite the Haywayne, this painting by John Constable. I'm gonna look it up now. Can you describe it a bit? It's got a water wheel in it, there's some amazing clouds. It's of, I'm not sure where it is. I think it might be near Salisbury around there.

But it's just, I love that room. There's like, I think they've got some, cause I'm not much of an art boffin, but I do love that painting and I love sitting down on that leather sofa and it being a free experience, even though I should leave a donation. But I'm not fucking doing that. What do you love about this painting, The Hey Wayne by John Constable? If you're just listening along at home and you can open it up on your phone, let's all just take a minute to be talked through this beautiful painting by the comedian and artist and poet and graphic design graduate, Rob Orton.

Can you hear me typing into the keyboard so I can look at it as well? We've got this lovely cottage on the left hand side with some roses growing up. The wall and then... There's a dog. A dog. We've got water, a river a river, I think, or, or maybe a stream. And then you said a water wheel, but it's actually a cart. Yeah.

I don't see a water wheel. There's a thing on the left hand side. I'm sure that I'm not sure what that is. Well, it's a house, but. But it's probably, do you know what? There's probably a water wheel, but on the other side of that house, I think there is. Because it's a house on the water that looks like it should have a water wheel and there's a wagon in the water and three horses, I think, pulling the wagon through the water. So that's what gives us the impression, does it not, that there's something to be collected on the other side?

Why do you love it so much? I love it because it makes me think of, it makes me proud to be English, I think, because I love the English countryside and England gets a lot of stick and this is not, I'm not going to be, I'm not going to completely change my vibe and be like, turn into like some sort of national front person. But I do, I think that- It's getting a little bit Farage. in and gets on with Farage. No, I just love the English countryside and I love the thought of someone sitting there and painting that.

And I see it really wouldn't be a very good audio visual. They're not going to get me on the headphones at the National Gallery anytime soon basically. But there's a simplicity to that lifestyle. Absolutely. That's comforting I think. Yeah, well do you know what? It was similar to last night when I was going off on one about thinking about the perfect day, like anything that allows me to go off on one for a bit, I'm 100% there.

Like whether it's painting or swimming or just to, you know, when you just feel like you're doing something and there's so much, I think the problem with like phones and social media and stuff like that is that it puts you into a state of thinking you're doing something when you're not. And like, I'm not sure if that really used to exist. Like you can feel like you're busy when maybe you're not busy. And also it's not, I think it's not good to, like to do, but also there's a, there's a sort of a beauty to doing nothing in inverted

commas, like actually sort of just sitting and looking at a painting, which I'm sure there are not that many people do what you're describing and it's a lovely thing to do. And really it's sort of like, it is a bit like meditation, isn't it? Just like letting your mind wander and be, we don't do that very often anymore. We don't let our minds wander. We don't sit in boredom. We don't stare out of windows. We don't sit at bus stops. We don't sit in front of paintings. We don't sort of mindlessly doodle and scribble. I think something about it though is that it's all to do with connection, isn't it? Like if you see someone at a bus stop looking at their phone, I mean, they are getting on with something even if it's just like messaging someone or like I don't want to be too down

on phones and everything because our friendship's stronger now because of WhatsApp than before. Yeah. Maybe. Probably. And how much everyone's in touch. I know it has its negatives, but you know, there's a lot of positives as well. So I'm there, I'm on the sofa looking at it and then Victoria, my wife comes through the door and she's got two pints of lager in plastic glasses,

plastic cups that you get at a festival, right? And she's like, here you go. And I'm like, oh, wow, thanks. And she's like, yeah, happy birthday. And then, so it's my birthday for a bit. I don't want it to be my birthday all day, just like maybe a couple of hours. We go out onto Trafalgar Square and all my mates are there.

There's a free concert on and it's the Chemical Brothers are doing a set in Trafalgar Square. Amazing. And we're the only ones who are allowed in. Incredible. And then we go to St. Martin's in the field. St. Martin in the Fields. I've actually got the flyer for the thing that I saw. I was walking out of the National Gallery one day and someone gave me one of these flyers that you get when you try to get you to go into that church, St. Martin's in the Field. And

at the end of my show I did in 2014 about faces, I had a piece of classical music on the end of it, just through searching, I found it and it's called Allegri Miserere, A-L-L-E-G-R-I, and then Miserere, it'll come up. It sounds very familiar, yeah. familiar. Yeah. It's, it's a brilliant piece of choral music. And one time when I was just, I got flired and I was like, Oh, I know that bit of music. And I went into Trafalgar square, went into the St. Martin in the fields and the old Royal Naval College Trinity Laban Chapel Choir

were there and they were doing it. And it was all candle lit and I was just like, oh my God, I just chanced upon it and it was absolutely buzzing. Wow. In kind of a quiet way, you know, sitting there in front of a choir, but I did really, really love that. So I'd love to, I think that's something that,

that was, that was, that moment was definitely, that did kind of feel a bit perfect really. ["I'm Gonna Be Your Man"] And then it's lunchtime. Yes. And what do you know, Jamie's Italian has reopened in Covent Garden. Those cans are getting slammed down on the centre of the table and a wooden board is being placed upon them.

Am I right? Big time. It's Cricket Bat City. What are you ordering from Jamie's? Well, it's those olives that have got loads of ice around them. Do you know what I'm saying? No. Those ones and this, I'd like to reenact this moment when I went, once I went with my mum to Jamie's Italian right, and I went to the toilet and I came back and she went um oh Rob and she went like this she started tapping her nose I was like what she went you've got some white powder around your nose and I was like what she went have you got something

you want to tell me I'm like no she went you've been doing cocaine and I'm like, no. She went, you've been doing cocaine? And I was like, what? No. I was just creasing myself laughing because I've never done that and I don't think I ever will. But she thought that on our weekday lunch at Jamie's Italian, I'd be doing coke in the toilet. It's just absolutely insane. So we're at Jamie's Italian. I'd been doing coke in the toilet. It's just absolutely insane. So we're in Jamie's. Yeah. And then I remember I went there once and I just had this chicken breast and it was the best chicken breast I'd ever had. It was just like, I thought, God, yeah, they really know how to cook. They really did know how to cook that chicken breast. And I think what they'd done is they'd just like put loads of salt and pepper on it and left it on to cook on one side until it was a bit charred and then turned over.

Right. Probably more to it than that. It's a tragedy, isn't it? It's just a tragedy that the franchise has dissolved. Oh, gutted, yeah. Did you go to the one in Edinburgh? I didn't know. I didn't know I didn't I have been to I've been to a couple of them though you know they were

good they were pretty decent. Yeah it was great. May they rest in peace. But then I've got to leave because I'm going to do a gig at the end of the road festival is it bad that my perfect day involves one of my own gigs that I've actually done? No. I mean, if that's your perfect day and that's your perfect day. It was only a 45 minute set and like I'm thinking that there's some sort of teleportation and time travel thing going on here. Well, it has to be right. And it was in the big top and I was so nervous about it we did it and it went really well in my opinion. Oh, I sound like a twat there. No you don't. I mean it's, you know when a gig's gone well don't you? Yeah, and do you know what to be fair to, I know when they go badly and I was, I beat myself

up enough. I beat myself up enough. So let's let me have a good gig on my dream day. Yeah, we'll let you have it. Is Deborah Meaden in the audience? No, but all my grandparents are there. Oh, are they still with you? Nah, they never got to see me do any gigs.

That's a shame. Do you think they'd like your style? I think so. I think if they came to a show in Edinburgh with my mum and dad, they would have a good day, I think. When I do gigs, I'm like, ah. You know, when you're doing, sometimes when you do something, you just think, ah, I wish that person was here at that time.

They don't have to be not with us anymore, but sometimes you just think, ah, they'd have loved this. I do kind of love thinking that, ah, they'd have loved this. Yes, I do understand that feeling. And on your perfect day, all the people that you need to be there for the moment are there and they're not missing anything. You don't have that feeling of, well, let's face it, loss. Yeah.

But from there to celebrate, it's time for a lemon cello tasting session. Whoa! Which we did. I did it with my in-laws and I had about five bottles of lemon cello on the table. Oh my god. And it was just absolutely brilliant. Lemon cello is like rocket fuel and it's just so much sugar in it. And if you just have like a few, four or five shots of that, I mean, I defy anyone to not

want to go out after sitting around the living room table and being like, hmm, what do you think to this one? Yeah, pretty nice. And then like, look, are we going to go out clubbing? It's four o'clock on Monday, Rob. Robynne Laeve-Levincello is something that I just associate with, it's just given at the end of the meal. It's such a strange thing to me about Mediterranean restaurants when you're on holiday, that they just like give you a shot at the end. We're at the British

are very much like shots at the beginning. I suppose it also shots at the end. We're at the British are very much like shots at the beginning. I suppose it also shots the end, not the shots at the beginning of a meal, but I find it weird to like see off a meal with a shot. But I mean, I'll do it. Yeah. It is weird, isn't it? Especially if it's like at the end of the night. I'm just going home now. Yeah, no, I'm finished. You should have given me 10 of these at the beginning. Okay, so you're going to your perfect gig, or you've done your perfect gig. Yeah, oh, and then a bit of a weird one.

I die just for a couple of hours. Oh, right. How do I die? Heart attack during climax of lovemaking probably, right? So that's how I'm dead. But the thing is I die for long enough to see what happens when you die. Oh my God, this is great. And I tick that off. So I'm like, people are like, what happens?

What do you think happens Rob? What do you hope happens? I don't know. No one has any idea, do they? Well I think there are some inklings around. Even if I did die for a couple of hours and something happened to me, I would just be like one of the people who say that they have had that experience and they say, oh, you're walking through a valley and it's all amazing or whatever. So I'd just be one of those lunatics. Yeah.

Or what people perceive to be lunatics. Sometimes I wish I could just take a bit of a step back from being alive for a bit, just to get a bit of context. Do you know what I mean? So you can step back and be like, no, actually, you've got it really good. You're doing, this is good. This is good. And just to be able to do that and just

to be like, so I wake up and I'm like, Oh my God, let's get stuck in. Rob Orton, what's your perfect night? Going temping bowling. And I get, when I get a strike, I am unafraid to celebrate on this day. I know exactly what I'm doing. My arms are straight up in the air and everyone else is also getting loads and loads of strikes. No one's walking back looking dejected because it's gone into the gutter.

Oh yeah. Everyone's absolutely pinging them down. And that's great. And then I go home and I sit down and I record a video of the piece of writing that I wrote on the train. And it is such a powerful piece of writing that it goes viral, so much so.

And the writing is about peace. And it's so powerful that it goes viral. So all wars are abandoned. People are so affected by my words of peace and hope that all guns are melted down instantly. All bombs are safely exposed off. Anyone thinking about committing a crime, abandons it and we all feel safe and all the dickheads who make the world a difficult place to live, turn their lives around. That would be good.

That would be really good. That just made me think about, I know everyone's talking about AI and it's slightly boring, but I saw something that said if you asked AI, if you sort of instructed AI to just make paper clips, then it would do everything it could to make paper clips, including sort of like melting humans down to make paper clips or whatever. But so doesn't that mean that we can, what if we created AI to do what you've just described Rob? Affect this person in this way. Yeah.

Make this person stop doing this. Yeah. For better or worse. Yeah. And if there are enough people instructing AI to make peace happen, And if there are enough people instructing AI to make peace happen, of course this is going... Anyway, but you know, I don't know what, I don't know what... Anyway, you've already inspired me, Rob, is what I'm saying.

I've gone down, I've gone down that line of thinking. I just think it'd just be so good if, oh no, I'm not even going to go there. And on that note, that was Rob Orton's perfect day. We've got one more question. What's a piece of perfection, Rob, that you would recommend this week? All right. I would like to recommend Post Malone's Tiny Desk Concert. Have you seen it? No, I know who Post Malone is and I know what the Tiny Desk Concerts. I don't really know much about Post Malone. I hadn't heard any of his music, but I love watching those Tiny Desk Concerts. The Post Malone Tiny Desk Concert is one of those where it seems like he's kind of cobbled a band of musicians together from loads of different places just for this show

and he doesn't really know any of them. And they're all there and they all look so happy. The music is, I think it's brilliant and he's doing it on acoustic guitar. There's no beats or anything. And uh, That's a shame the rest of the band are there then if he's just, if it's just him acoustic guitar. No wonder they're so happy.

We've got the day off. There is a, no, some on a piano, some are playing drums, but yeah, it's great. I highly recommend that. Great recommendation. Thanks, Rob. And, is there anything you'd like to plug? Any tours coming up? Funny you should ask.

I've got a tour. I'm doing a tour of the UK of my show called the Eyes Open and Shut show that is, I did it at Edinburgh and now I'm touring it all over and you can get tickets from roboughton.co.uk. Excellent. We will do that. Rob, thanks so much for coming on the show. Oh, thanks so much for having me. Honestly, I really enjoyed it. So if anyone does in fact know what happens in the afterlife or how to program AI to solve all the world's problems, do reach out. Thanks for sharing your perfect day, Rob. It's ambitious, but I feel like we can make it happen. Up next is Lulululoo Sanders. She might just be making an appearance.

She is making an appearance. Brand new episodes every Thursday. Like and subscribe, follow us on that perfect day, cast for all your perfect day news. And I love to hear from you by the way. I've had some lovely letters and when they're really nice, I do reply to them. So thank you. It's everydayperfectdayatgmail.com and do keep them coming in. And if you have any questions or you want to tell me about your perfect days, thus, thus thus I'm open to that as well. Alright, this is me over and out from Yorkshire with love, I'm Jessica Knappett wishing you a perfect day.