Perfect Day with Jessica Knappett - EP4: Phil Wang

Episode Date: August 15, 2024

In this episode of Perfect Day Jess is joined by comedian, actor and Taskmaster pal, Phil Wang. Whilst discussing Phil’s perfect day, we hear about his complicated relationship with ordering coffees, the joys of British service stations, undertaking simple chores in the house, why Phil is censored on daytime Taskmaster and his love of being treated like a little prince.  Like and subscribe for brand-new episodes every Thursday. Follow us on Instagram, Twitter and TikTok @perfectdaycast. And why not get in touch: [e-mail] A Keep It Light Media Production Sales, sponsorship and general enquiries: [e-mail] Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

E-R-S-E-T E-R-S-E-T Alright then. I wanted to entertain. I wanted to please. I wanted to delight. I did not want to arouse. Hello, I'm Jessica Naffitt and welcome to Perfect Day, the weekly podcast that probes funny people to tell us their perfect morning, afternoon and night. It's so simple, it's almost perfect. Today's guest is a highly acclaimed comedian, writer and actor known for his sharp wit and unique comedic style. He's my Taskmaster nemesis and buddy.

It's Philly Philly Wang Wang. It's Phil Wang. Now, I don't want to slag Phil off, but as you'll soon hear, this perfect day is a wild ride. He's a confusing man, full of contradictions, but, well, you'll just have to find out for yourself.

We talk about my close personal friend, Dr Panda, service stations, how not to order a coffee, doing household chores, fine dining and my knickers. Told you it was a wild ride. Enjoy. This is Phil Wang's Perfect Day. If I came back from the toilet and Jessica napped its knickers while on my table I'd be furious

what is the facial hair situation I'm really bad at growing facial hair my girlfriend really wants me to have a moustache so I'm growing a moustache I had to shave my last one off for a job and I'm growing a moustache. I had to shave my last one off for a job, and I'm growing it back. But, you know, once I get past this horrible, awkward stage, yeah. Oh my god, you're growing a moustache for love?

Yeah. How are you then, Phil? What have you been doing? What did you have to shave your moustache off for? I was hosting the video Game BAFTAs. Did you know they have a Video Game BAFTAs? That's cool. That's fun. It was fun.

It's way glamour than I expected. I thought it would just be a bunch of guys in ponytails and heavy metal t-shirts, but it was very glam. Do you play games? Not really, no. I play a bit of Nintendo Switch. Nice. And I play a bit of Mario Kart with my six-year-old.

Oh, amazing. Six already? Oh, yeah. Wowee. That's amazing. I know, because I just had a baby when we did Taskmaster. Yeah. Now she's six.

That's how long ago it was. Can you believe it? People still talk to me on Taskmaster like it was the last season. I know. It's crazy. It just goes on and on and on because people are also just still finding it aren't they right i know i've got i've got 17 series to watch how do you feel about your um taskmaster experience phil um it was it was stressful sort of doing badly every episode. And I think at one point, a momentum set in where Greg would just put me last regardless. But overall, it was fun hanging out with everyone. Do you feel that you were unfairly treated?

Sometimes. Did you? Yeah, I think Greg has said as much. I think on the Richard Herring podcast, he admitted to being too hard on on me I don't think I had really noticed it as it was happening it's all such a blur now but wow that I think of it it was quite easy wasn't it for he did pick on you yeah yeah I think because I was the youngest you were the youngest and also maybe I was the baby I might have had a little bit of something to do with the way you were dressed. Do you think maybe you were inviting criticism? But I wasn't dressed like that in the studio, which would have been more offensive.

No, no. And also, I think I look nice anyway. No, you looked nice. Yeah, you look nice. Do you want to just describe what it was? do you want to just describe what it was well it is yes a yellow jumpsuit that was worn by bruce lee in his final unfinished movie game of death which has become an iconic outfit um and i wanted it to be an homage to bruce lee because i've just been to hong kong and i've been to the bruce lee museum and i found it very inspiring but the homage didn't work out so well

because it fits Bruce Lee's body nicely but Bruce Lee was very physically fit it turns out and I was less so and also maybe I was bigger in the junk than Bruce

apparently in the sort of family friendly edits of taskmaster they've had to like crop me out of so many shots or like just crop me to waist up waist up up in a lot of shots they had to pick they've had to oh my god not pixelate you surely not pixelate you i don't know but i think you remember back in the noughties where you'd get a dvd of american pie or eurotrip and it would say uncensored with a big banner across it? That's the version of Taskmaster

you have to get to see me in full body. Wow. It is just sort of like a giant body condom really, isn't it? I guess. Yeah. But you know, it was funny and it was fun and everyone loved it i mean what a great outfit but i don't but it's just it's funny to me that you didn't wear it to be

like that was not the the intention was it no absolutely not no i did not want to um i wanted to entertain i wanted to please i wanted to delight i did not want to arouse well no and i i think end up arousing the nation i didn't want to arouse oh right yes no yes that's what people yes that is what happened yes yeah yeah yeah the nation was aroused when they weren't expecting to be aroused and because it's taskmaster you don't expect to be aroused and taskmaster and there i was arousing the nation and greg basically probably greg didn't know what to do with it he didn't know what to do with all that arousal and he marked you down that's why i had to sit down the whole time phil wang hello perfect morning please your perfect morning, please?

My perfect morning is a hypothetical one in which, do you think it'll ever be possible to have a lie-in and get up early? Depends what time you went to bed. And also, sorry, I should have said, also go to bed really late. Sure, let's just say. I go to bed at like, I go to i got a bit midnight around midnight i go to bed when i'm kind of tired and i've run out of things to watch and then i wake up when i have to when i have to right so your normal day is my perfect day then what time did you wake up this morning to to be available for a 10 30 a.m podcast in on in all honesty

8 30 but then we kind of like rolled around until nine really that sounds so i mean that surely that that is that's enough though you've had eight hours nine hours there is that what we're talking to you perfect day then yeah basically perfect day is your normal day no because i also love being up early i love i hate getting up early i hate getting up early i love being up early i love okay once once that pain and anger and confusion has subsided and you're out in the world and you feel like the world hasn't woken up yet and you're walking around in this kind of cool air and i always think of early mornings where i grew up in malaysia and bonio and it's very hot it's always very hot country blisteringly swelteringly hot but in the morning it was this lovely cool moist kind of tinkly air and my dad would you know if we got up early my dad would drive us to

like a coffee shop or some hawker stall and everyone's still sort of getting the ingredients ready for the day and people are having their noodles for breakfast before they go to work and that kind of that part of the day is really magical to me because it feels so full of potential so exciting anything could happen the day can be anything that's the pleasure of being up early that's the more that's what the morning has to offer hope hope that's it whereas if you wake up late sure you've had the lovely, but a lot of the day is in motion now. Where's your hope? A lot of the potential's gone.

A lot of your hope has gone. Immediately dashed. So ideally, what time is it? And are you waking up in Borneo? Yeah, it's waking up early in Sabah before it's gotten hot. That's lovely. I get basically everything you've just described. So are you in your childhood home?

Hmm. I've always had problems with my childhood home. I always found it quite spooky and uncomfortable. Really? Yeah. I grew up in a spooky house as well. Did you? Why was your house spooky?

Well, it's quite cavernous because to stay cool, you know, my dad designed it. He's a brilliant engineer, my father, a very clever man. And he designed our house, like every detail of it. And to make it feel like a tree and and look like a tree so the tiles are green and there's a lot of wood and so from the outside it looks like this kind of double-layered uh tree but it's also clearly a house it's also clearly a house it just sort of takes inspiration from from the form of a tree sorry you grew up in a tree didn't. I knew you were going to say that. I didn't. This isn't... No, this isn't quite...

Have you done stand-up about this? Do people know this? I didn't know because it's not true. That's not what I said. I didn't grow up in a tree. In a house that resembles a tree. In some aspects. A house that has deliberately been created

every detail to resemble a tree. Not every detail. It just was made of wood and had green tiles. Now think about it sure okay um but it's cavernous inside it's very yeah very open air to keep the air flowing and all this sort of thing um and there are a lot of and animals would be able to crawl in and we'd had a lot of like what sorry okay so were you i mean that i'm i'm just imagining like a malaysian version of sort of the animals of farthingwood like um beatrix potter peter rabbit peter rabbit lived in a tree

yeah but these are not cute english animals they're like right snakes and lizards oh my oh my god so that's what's spooky about it there's critters and it could be a critter anywhere These are not cute English animals. They're like snakes and lizards. Oh my gosh. So that's what's spooky about it. There's critters and there could be a critter anywhere. And there are these little lizards called chichacs. Called chichacs because of the sound they make. And they're kind of gross and horrible. And they're fine, but you don't want to be in a room with one.

And you get into bed and you think, ah, think ah nice clean safe bed with no horrible critters and you turn off the lights and you lie in bed and then just here in the corner of the room and you go fuck there's a oh now i can't relax oh no there's a chick a what a chick chat what's it called chick check is one pronunciation of it actually but chichak is chichak is yeah and now you think oh one thing is gonna crawl in my mouth while i'm asleep and you can't really relax this is extraordinary okay so that's not your that's just to get back on track so perfect day is we're not going to be waking up in that house because of all the potential of chick chucks getting in your mouth but but where are you what kind of bedroom um i or

maybe like a nice hotel room there's something about getting up in a nice hotel room and and and and nothing in that nothing there is your responsibility because you get up in your own bedroom your own home you go ah i'm up oh no obligations here come the obligations for the day but you get up in a hotel and you're like i'm not obligated to do anything i'm i can put my towel on the floor what kind of obligations are you normally troubled by making the bed who's making you make the bed me me because i know you should it's good you do feel like an adult and it makes your day better probably but it does feel insane because there's no practical reason to do it.

I guess there's no practical reason to do a lot of things. No, just self-respect, I suppose, isn't it? Yeah, sure. It is neat. And you do feel like, okay, I'm out of bed now. I guess that's maybe the psychological aspect of it.

You leave the bed undone, you're leaving the bed open. It's open for you to return. It remains an option for you to go back in but when you when you make it you close the door yes you close yes that's so true i don't nap i can never nap so i know once i'm up in the morning that i'm not getting any more sleep until i'm in bed so because i know i will never nap i try to sleep as much as i can is that possibly because you've had like say 10 to 12 hours sleep you are being such a parent about this yeah i know about how much sleep i get this is just the envy of a parent of course i mean i'm going to bed because my

my body clock has been set by doing stand-up and you get home very late yeah yeah you're on nights i'm on nights i'm basically a key worker i'm basically a nurse really if laughter is the best medicine which i think it is um i have this argument with my parents all the time who were doctors and physios and worked for the NHS but what I'm doing is actually important My mum is also a doctor I wonder if there's a pattern here

Your mum is? What kind of doctor? She's a rheumatologist Does she still practice? A little bit she loves it she just loves being a doctor she won't stop she will not stop she's i don't know how i'm her son because the second i have the option to stop anything i'm like yeah i'll stop i'll stop right now i love really would you like to be retired? Yeah, I'm retired right now. Well, you're not, are you? I cosplay as retired, basically.

I think that's what I do. That's my ideal day, maybe, is where I cosplay as retired. You know what I mean? I guess people just call it a holiday. Have you seen that clip of Gary Neville describing... Have you seen this clip? It's so funny. I think he's on the diary of a ceo podcast he says that um he doesn't want to retire but instead what he does is throughout the year he takes these mini retirements where maybe for a long weekend or a week he'll

he'll go off somewhere to a different country and go to a hotel or resort and he'll have a mini retirement yeah and then the host goes steven butler goes that's a holiday so maybe that's what i'm channeling wow tell me more about have you got any more to add about your perfect morning before we move on we haven't even spoken about breakfast all right so tell me everything a breakfast in a coffee shop in borneo in saba and with the air is cool and the ceiling fans are rattling around and you get a very sweet coffee in a thick glass mug and the spoons made a very cheap metal so the heat goes right up through the handle and it's too hot to touch the spoon so specific yeah and maybe a bowl of laksa like you know laksa laksa's quite big here now coconut

coconut curry kind of thing curry's broth with noodles yeah that kind of thing as for breakfast or nasi lemak which is a malay thing with rice and and like fried fermented prawn paste and it's nicer than it sounds yeah that would be ideal yeah that would be ideal okay and that and anything else happening in the morning or are you just shower okay lovely long shower lovely long shower i shower for ages apparently every time i come out of the shower my girlfriend's like you were in there for so long but i can't imagine do i'm it's not like i'm i can't skip anything i gotta get ready for the day i gotta squeak my way through the day i gotta

be squeaky clean do you listen do you wash your legs yeah but apparently this is a um a debate people don't wash their legs i wash my legs yeah usually just to let the conditioner sink in you got to do something while the conditioner sinks in and washing your legs shampoo and condition every time you shower more or less i i don't know if it's good for you or not but more or less do you shower once a day in the morning how many showers are we talking once a day in the morning and uh and it's a full shampoo and condition and a leg wash yeah if it's if it's a car wash i'm going for you know ultimate wax uh shine you know when it's like you're at the bottom of the menu of a car wash yeah the most expensive one that's what i'm going for in the yeah luxury buff shine whatever it is wax ultimate clean that's what i get every morning that's why i give myself do you have

lots of products exfoliators and things aloof for perhaps maybe for boys i do uh well well boys have less have fewer products in general than girls right oh right you mean yeah okay comparatively you imagine i imagine is it important to you that it's like a rain oh yes rainfall rainfall yeah yeah yeah yeah i want to look up i want to look up at it and like rub my neck like i'm a character in a drama going through some difficulty. And I'm just like, this is my one moment of respite, you know? Yes, finally. And then something happens and then you have to get out of the shower.

That's it. Not on your perfect day, but in the scene. Not on my perfect day. On your perfect day, how long are you in the shower for? 15 to 20 minutes. I thought you were going to be above half an hour. No, no. I think anything over half an hour is a bit much.

Prune City. Prune City population you at that point. Okay. Any more to add to the morning film? I'll put the radio put on bbc6 music race the thinking man's radio one what genre of music is playing ideally world or jazz a bit world. I love a bit of world music. That's me. That's my age. I'm a millennial.

Yes, I'm in my 30s. I listen to sex music. I love world stuff. I love world. I just want you to keep saying, I love world. I love world. Okay. We're going to move on to your perfect afternoon now, please.

You know what? I love doing chores. I love doing dishwashing, laundry, with my headphones on, listening to podcasts. Listening to news podcasts, current affairs podcasts, culture wars podcasts. I love it. I love feeling like I'm learning something and cleaning. Right, I don't understand.

All right, firstly, this is your perfect day. You can have anything you want. You can do whatever you want. You can go anywhere in the world considering you love world. I love world. I love world. And you are staying at home doing chores and listening to culture wars podcasts

i'm doing it in tibet is that better i'm doing it i'm doing it at the top of machu picchu no you can have whatever you want if that's really what you want to do but i am confused now about who you are as a person because i thought you were a lazy person who was uh you know offended by the obligation of having to make a bed but these are the laziest chores i'm putting things into a machine that does the hard work when you describe your perfect day i didn't think you were describing the best things that have ever happened to you or the best things you've ever done. But like, if you could lay out the most,

the most bankably pleasant day, this is what I'm doing. This is not my whole afternoon. This is not my whole afternoon. No, I love it. I'm just, obviously, I hope you don't mind me being slightly taken aback by the fact that you're doing chores and you love it I mean that that that is a surprising thing but also listening to podcasts

and listening to a lot of like makes it better doesn't it I love it I love it yeah basically my favorite thing in the world is having nothing to do it's my favorite thing in the world having nothing in the diary having nothing to do that's why i do everything when i was at school i was really good at school because i wanted no homework when i got back i worked i became a comedian because i want nothing to do in the day i love having nothing to do it's my favorite favorite thing and when when i'm doing the dishes and laundry and listening to podcasts because i have nothing to do at that point and that's my favorite thing are you specific about the way the dishwasher is stacked yeah i'm very good at stacking it you have to check them people who don't even check

that the fan can move after you've put the dishes in that the fans are obstructed you just had to go getting stuck i just like to get it all in there so it's out of the way and then my husband restacks it why don't you just put them all in a moist room why don't you just put all your dirty dishes

into a foggy room and come back after an hour and say oh they're clean now no you're going to have the fans have the fans gonna be free to move if i'm stacking the dishwasher they'll just get chucked in because i haven't got the time to individually lay out all the and it's just it's a mess you have the time i do have the time and that's why i love it so that's one aspect of my perfect afternoon um if i can have a whole lot of time playing um some video game that'd be great i used to play a lot of video games and then last couple

years i just got really busy and i i like fell behind so far behind my games and then this year i um i got back into it. You're back in the game. I'm back in the games. There's a great game that was nominated for Best Game this year out of a small Korean company called Dave the Diver, where it's like a 2D game, but it's really beautifully designed. And you spend the day fishing in the water, harpooning fish. And then in the night, you help run a sushi restaurant where

you have to make sushi out of the fish you caught and you have to serve it to customers yeah that sounds very similar to um my my daughter plays a game called dr panda's restaurant that does sound very similar where dr panda's why is a doctor why is a doctor running a restaurant it's a very good question I think he branched out gosh that's the state of the NHS that's the NHS yeah doctors don't even get paid enough

so they don't have to run a restaurant at night for pandas he runs an appalling restaurant in the day the pizzas are made by 6 year old children and then at night he's a doctor at night? That's not the way around I thought it would be. So he runs a restaurant

in the day and at night he's... He's got a lot of businesses. He's got a lot of businesses. It's not just restaurants. I wouldn't trust this doctor. If I went to see Dr. Panda and he was like, oh, sorry i'm just a bit out of it today i've um got to run the restaurant tonight we just got a big ship the tuna the tuna shipment

hasn't come in so i need to re-figure out the um the menu i'd be like ah i'm gonna go also you're a panda um so i'm not sure if I trust your culinary skills or medicinal. I imagine the menu is bamboo heavy. I love playing video games. That's quite a chilled out existence. I love the sound of Phil Wang's. And I love going to a sample sale. I love going to a sample sale, picking up some clothes at a sample sale.

Is this what happens after the chores? Yeah. Yeah mean this is pretty packed afternoon okay keep going bit of lovely lunch bit of chores or a noodley lunch big noodley lunch make myself some noodles noodles again i'll eat noodles every meal of my life really every meal of my life fantastic i cannot i cannot get enough and then go to a little sample sale of some uh in a little warehouse in east london uh get myself a bargain and then guess i get a long black at four o'clock i have two coffees a day one when i get up but whether that's 8 a.m or 11 a.m i have a little coffee and then I have a second coffee of the day at 4pm on the dot I learned this on tour

because I'd be travelling around on tour and I need a little pick me up and it's 4 o'clock is the ideal time for a coffee a little long black a little I think the Swedish call it a fika don't they oh they have an afternoon fika they have an afternoon coffee with a little bit of cake a little bit of jellied fish a little

no one of their creepy little snacks they have the creepiest snacks in the world a little jellied fish on a bit of brown call all right creepy creep of course again famously creepy creepiest food in the world here's a pickled plankton on a band of grass and we serve it on some rotten rye that's been squished and also pickled. Everything's pickled. Have some pickled water. There's a lot of pickling. Creepiest food in the world. Okay. Well, not that then.

So you're having a four o'clock coffee. On its own, just a coffee. An espresso, perhaps? Long black, baby. It's the perfect amount do you know a long black yeah well i mean i'm assuming do you the number of times people have said they understand what a long black is and i get the biggest americano i've ever seen in my life oh my god that is what i thought it was that's it that's the problem it's an Americano. And you nodded along.

Yeah, I think I know what a long black coffee is, mate. You're part of the problem. What I think it is. I spent my tour going around this country teaching teenagers in service stations what a long black was. That was my job. And I did stand up part time. My main job on tour was teaching teenagers who worked part-time in service stations what a long black was and then getting the biggest Americano I'd ever seen.

A long black, I can see where you're going. A long black, a long good as the world's ago. I think your first mistake is you've gone to a service station for a coffee and you've expected them to understand your niche requirements. In my defense, I went to a coffee shop in a service station where their only job is coffee and there are five coffees that exist there are five different types of coffees out there

and long black is now one of them and it takes a second to learn what a long black is a long black is three ounces of hot water with espresso poured on top so that the crema is not disturbed it's not espresso with the hot water poured in which is an americano which disrupts the crema that oily sort of film that the espresso has oh right okay hang on so i went i spent my entire tour going to costas in i don't know uh exeter services saying can we do you do a long black and they'll go yeah and i'll look them dead i'll grab them by the cheeks and look them in the eye say no do you know a long black and they'll get scared and they go no and then i'll tell them and i'll say it's americano half the amount of water that half the amount of water but a small americana half the amount of water and they go half an americano i go no

no same espresso half the amount of water and i spent all and then i'd be charged for an americano all the time and then yeah fine so i just tell you americano about half the amount of water and then on the last coffee i ever got on tour there was a very nice lady at the costa and i said americano half the amount of water and she went all right and she said you know you should ask for a double espresso and say add a bit of water on top and then you'll be charged for an espresso so double espresso with water with hot water yeah i just hold the whole time i should have been saying just i'll have a double espresso just put a bit of water and i was gonna say i think if the if it caused me this much stress i would change my order i would start to i think i would start to consider the possibility that the problem might

be me not them the problem is never me something i've learned in life is the problem is i tell you what i'm just to make it simple i'm just going to start drinking espressos I'm getting there to this point I do understand though because when I was pregnant and I didn't drink I started drinking I loved fresh lime and soda that was the only thing that would get me through but if you ask for a lime and soda

in a restaurant they will often bring you a cordial and that is disgusting i love a i love a cordial and soda if it's difficult to drink i think you just have to accept that you're not going to get it this is what i what i came to accept was i i would say fresh lime and soda and they would probably just put a slice of lime in a glass of soda water I thought that's what fresh lime and soda was No but it's lots of squeezed

what you actually want is lots of squeezed lime Oh yeah You want freshly squeezed lime in a glass of soda and you're just not going to get it No, no You're just not going to get it and so you just have to drop it You know you're not grabbing people by the shoulders, looking them in the eye and saying,

freshly squeezed lime. You can't. Which is sort of what it sounds like you were doing, except without the swearing. Yeah, a little bit. Anyway. Yeah, that'll be my afternoon, I guess. A coffee from a Costa next to the service stations.

It's all pretty attainable so far. Actually, I love a service station, you know. When we first visited the UK as kids, we found service stations with these sort of magical kind of um oases you know you're driving along the road and you stop by and there's this magical building with a mcdonald's and a burger king and and a games room that you're not allowed in which you later find out is because it's gambling it's as sad as people in britain but but you have but there's toy machines and the wh smith and it just sat in the middle of

nowhere amazing and i still i still love i still love service stations actually one of my favorite meals is a kfc at a service station because they have to keep cooking chicken all the time because people are just coming in and out you know and it's always fresh it's always hot best kfc best kfc in britain service station kfc i i really do think that fried chicken might be one of the best foods ever made it's the best food it's the best food we keep trying to come up with different food. Like maybe this, maybe if you put caviar on an egg and then we bake it on a mountain, then it's really, no, just fried chicken. It's not going to be better than fried chicken.

Yeah. So just to be clear, your perfect afternoon so far. Could you sum it up for me? You're doing some chores. It's very simple, Jess. I don't know why you think you have to ask me that. Doing some chores and going to a service station.

Dishwasher, laundry while listening to podcasts, hours of video games, a noodley lunch, a hipster sample sale, then I'm off to a service station for a KFC and a hot coffee from a terrified teenager. I mean, sure. i hope you're happy oh i'm thrilled i'm tired i'm thrilled when you're writing stand-up does it just sort of come to you in spontaneously unplanned moments or do you actually sit down to write it something i started doing is i go to gigs early and i find that just being in the venue being in the in the earshot of a sort of rumbling crowd

of being near the stage and of the anxiety and the adrenaline that's when you that's when you you write the best stand-up because it's a very specific context a stand-up gig and you can't really replicate it in your head at home or in a cafe it is it's easiest if you're in the venue so i'll try and go early and that's quite a deadline isn't it yes exactly i need i need a hard deadline that is that that gives me a panic attack. The idea of writing something moments before you go out and say it. Yeah. Terrifying. Yeah.

Terrifying. Yeah, but I find it's the best stuff. Do you improvise a lot on stage? Yeah, I try to, especially if I don't have enough. I try to just imagine. I just kind of try out different toppers. I love adding toppers. I'm addicted to like topper.

A topper is the, like after the punchline, just adding like another line or a silly voice or a silly sentence just to maybe get another laugh out of it. You know, is that basically the structure of a routine that might start as a joke and then by the time you've got enough toppers, it's a routine that might start as a joke and then with by the time you've got enough toppers it's a routine or no the toppers usually don't go on for very long what becomes a routine is the the sort of meandering path to get me to the original punchline i thought of and then working out that path is when you come up with all the other jokes and a lot of the time the first

punchline first joke you thought of gets the doesn't even get the biggest laugh of that routine. It's the path to get there that gets some of the biggest laughs. The ones that you've written out of requirement, out of necessity. Yes, because you've got a gig booked. Yeah, because I've got to get to this punchline. Oh, it's great. And it just sounds sort of awful as well. oh it's great and just sounds sort of awful as well you know like just kind of so frightening to me the idea of writing what just before an audience comes in or writing when you're on stage

stand-up is the only scary thing i do i really i'm really really risk averse have you done words most dangerous roads i have done was most dangerous roads well there you go then yeah but but how much danger are they going to put a national treasure act really we on with someone else i was with pierre my podcast partner oh you were anyway but you so you're risk averse and the scariest the scariest thing apart from doing world's dangerous roads is standard any more to add for your perfect afternoon before we move on to your perfect night or maybe I get to do some um some New York Times games puzzles do you have this out the New York Times games we're talking the word yeah we're talking the connections we're talking the mini crossword lovely maybe i do that while i'm having my four o'clock coffee

very nice phil what's your perfect night? I think I'm into my... Me and my girlfriend just spend so much time watching a TV or movie and it's just so nice. I just love watching a TV movie with my girlfriend and laughing about something and laughing at the actors

and laughing at something on the screen and then eating a little moon. You know little moons? Yeah, I love little moons. I met the lady who invented them. I felt like I was meeting Bill Gates or something. For those of you who don't know, and are unlucky enough to see God's light,

a little moon is a little ball of ice cream wrapped in a mochi, so rice pastry, and it's delicious. So that's one version of ice cream wrapped in a mochi sort of rice pastry and it's delicious so that's one version of my ideal night in maybe a little dinner that I cook, I like to cook a little dinner, I like to cook a little pasta or little noodles

or cook a little something and pair it with a wine, I love wine Jess, I love pairing food with wine. Oh wow that's very fancy of you it is fancy i'm a fancy guy i'm very special fella so what are you pairing with a little moon especially if it's ice cream a hot drink on the side is really nice like a like a roy boss tea or oh yeah wash it down i love to wash something down with a hot drink you ever just wash something down do you

know what last night i had a cup of tea and a magnum delightful perfect great combo yes can you have a cup of tea at night and not stay awake i can't have a full it was a rhubosh there you go sorry you're i think you're playing it pretty close to the bone i mean you say you risk averse but you have a coffee at 4 p.m that's that's the latest i can go though that's not that late is it i wouldn't oh phil i couldn't have a coffee at 4 p.m not these days amazing yeah anything else so what if you leave the house if i leave the house i love to go to a nice restaurant a restaurant where the waiters aren't furious you're there you know how some depending on the the quality of the joint and especially like with british customer service which must be among the worst in the world yeah go to most places and they're furious you've arrived

and they they might as well just spit in your face and food. And they just hate that you're there. They hate their life. They hate that they're there. They hate that anyone's there. They hate that food exists. They hate that someone invented the restaurant. I think you might be describing London, though. They're a bit happier about it up north, I would say.

I've travelled all around this country. Of course you have. And the world. I mean, you love world. And yeah, London is a little grumpier than the rest of the world but you go to you go to nando's and catering and they're not thrilled you're there no they're not thrilled but you go to a nice restaurant oh la la you go to a nice restaurant and the way the people want to work there and you're always the best thing in the world you say it's it's so nice and um and i i love to

feel like a little prince in a nice restaurant i love the restaurant where you go to the toilet you come back and someone's folded the napkin onto the table you feel like do you like that i don't know you feel like a little prince i love it why no it's like it feels like a little christmas it's like a little tooth fairy or something. I feel like a child. I feel like the tooth fairy, the napkin fairy's been. Do you know what? It feels too intimate to me. It feels like I don't have a cleaner at the moment, but sometimes my cleaner would pick up my knickers

and fold them up and put them on. The ones that I hadn't bothered to put your underwear. There's quite a leap between a napkin in a restaurant and Jessica Nappet's knickers I think I don't think you're describing the same thing if I came back from the toilet

to my table and Jessica Nappet's knickers were on my table I'd be furious you'd fold them up I'd fold them up, I'd scrunch them in my hand like up? I'd say, excuse me, I'd fold them up, I'd scrunch them in my hand like this, and I'd hold them in a fist. And I'd go, what the hell is this?

I'd go to the waiter. These are Jess's. And he'd say, I'm terribly sorry, sir. And he'd fold them up and put them back on the table, like my cleaner did. But what I really want her to do, genuinely, is say, like, pick up your own fucking knickers. In the same way that I want... You want her to do genuinely is say like pick up your own fucking knickers in the same way that i want her to tell you to do that yeah i don't want the restaurant to pick up

my napkin because that's my responsibility and i've wiped my mouth all over life coach why someone to tell you to pick up after yourself no i just don't want them i can do that and i fight i just find it embarrassing and i feel the same way about the napkin i think this is a very british thing i think yeah this is very british i didn't grow up in the uk i want to be a little prince i think that if you're perfectly capable of doing something yourself you should do it yourself for instance okay if you weren't going to the toilet and you just went if you just dropped the napkin on the floor, would you expect a waiter to come over and pick it up and give it back to you? No, because you can just reach down and pick it up yourself.

How expensive is the restaurant? I would have to ask. Fucking hell, Phil. I would have to ask how expensive is the restaurant. I have to say, I'm absolutely baffled by you. Why? You're incensed at the thought of making your own bed, but you do want to do your own chores, but you don't want to have to fold your own napkin.

Who are you? I don't mind folding my own napkin. I just like that someone did it for me. In my 30s, I want to be treated like a little prince. I get it. Not all the time, but in the evening. Little Prince Phil. In the evening, if I go to a nice little restaurant,

I want to be treated like a little prince. Yes. I think what you need is a butler, just in the evening specifically. Just in the evening. Evening butler. That's quite nice. That's a lovely idea.

That's a really good idea. That's something that could be an app or like a gig economy type of service you know like uh butler b-u-t-l-r is the name of the app oh nice i think that those guys are going to be exploited fairly quickly. By me? Throwing napkins all over the place. Okay, so another really good night out. And this is a lot less princely, but it is. And more to do my work. And it is like doing a gig, but it's low pressure pressure i'm doing 10 minutes or like 10 15 minutes

middle of the lineup no headlining so no pressure maybe i try a little bit of new material out and lineup is all my pals and then after the gig we go have a little bind that's lovely too i love that that sounds nice you know some of my happiest memories well my happiest memories of my 20s are doing stand-up and like gigging with pals and hanging out afterwards and being on tour and being in australia and being at festivals and in montreal and and just hanging out and working and hanging out and working is the best it's the best man and i'm very lucky to have this life as my as my as my work also i want to be treated like a little prince it's rare that i hear people's days and don't want

to join in but what which bit don't you want to join in on i don't want to do the chores i don't want to do the chores and i don't want to go to the service station and I'm not really that bothered about the very specific coffee but I love the I love the idea of the restaurant I just don't want I just don't specifically want my napkin to be folded but

you're missing out man I'm not saying this is every night but from time to time you have to go to a restaurant where you're treated like a little prince yeah or just stay home and have a little moon or have a little moon whatever you do make it little phil thanks so much for coming on

the show thanks for having me jace a pleasure to hear about your perfect own you know follow me on instagram i guess yes i need more instagram followers to be honest i'm at wang pics pics with a p-I-X Wangpix. Exciting Thank you There we go Philly Wang Wang with his love of stacking the dishwasher

and little moons and having his napkin picked up off the floor for him like a little prince. And if you're interested in Phil's night-time butler service, well, you probably shouldn't be because it is an awful idea. If you enjoyed this episode, why not like, subscribe and leave us a review. And while you're there, give us a follow on Instagram, Twitter and TikTok. We're at at Perfect Daycast, where we'll give you all the info about our amazing upcoming guests

like, ooh, Nick Muhammad and our Kyle Smith Bino. Will the treats never end? That's all from me. From Yorkshire with Love, I'm Jessica Knappett, wishing you a perfect day.