Perfect Day with Jessica Knappett - EP5: Arabella Weir

Episode Date: August 22, 2024

This week, the Fast Show’s comedy icon Arabella Weir joins Jessica Knappett to discuss her perfect day. The pair talk about being a female in the world of comedy, some of the Fast Show’s most iconic sketches, empty-nest syndrome, the perfect glass of wine, carrying around a poo and the logistics of tits - They’ve got it all covered! Like and subscribe for brand-new episodes every Thursday. Follow us on Instagram, Twitter and TikTok @perfectdaycast. And why not get in touch: [e-mail] And to read more about Eleanor’s life-altering surgery and to donate to her Gofundme please visit this link: https://gofund.me/bbcd6efd Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

E-O-L-E-C-T Alright then. Yeah, if it's good enough for the Rolling Stones, it's good enough for us. Welcome to Perfect Day. It's me, Jessica Knappett, your old pal. Make me a channel of your peace just really felt like singing that it just i don't know it it it hit me it came through and so i sung it wonder why wonder why i chose to kick off with a hymn? I suppose because I can. And it's my podcast and I'll do as I damn well please. And if I want to kick off with a hymn, I will. So it's a flex in a way,

isn't it? Welcome to Perfect Day, the weekly podcast that asks funny famous people, hey, what's your perfect day? My God, what a journey we've already been on. We've had Romesh, we've had Dolly Alderton, we've had Philly Wang Wang, we've had Jessica Gunning. And now, one of my absolute comedy heroes, the actress and comedian and my TV mum, Arabella Weir. Now, if you're a youth listening to this, may not be familiar with the iconic sketch show from the 90s, The Fast Show, in which Arabella appeared, wrote, and she didn't just appear in it, she starred in it, she wrote it. She's an icon.

And some of those sketches have entered into modern-day British vernacular, I would say. When it's hot outside, what do you say? You say it's scorchio. Do you know why? Because of the fascia. Anyway, there is, of course, some immediate rude language. Arabella is a potty mouth and I don't mind it, but you might.

Your children might not want to hear the C word, so maybe turn it down. I don't know. Maybe you don't mind them having that kind of language. And that's okay too. We talk about her role in the fast show. We talk about the origin of some of those iconic sketches. We talk about boozy lunches, going bralettes. We talk about the intricacies of having a poo. Well, you didn't come here for highbrow, did you? Enjoy the comedy icon that is Arabella Weir as she tells me her perfect day.

And then you feel the kind of doof and then go, yes, we're in the zone. All right, then. How are you, Ari? I'm calling you Ari today. For people who don't know, that's what people who love and know me call me rather than Arabella, Princess Arabella. I didn't know that about you, by the way, until I met some of your friends and they all were calling you Ari. And then I just sort of absorbed it.

Well, it must have been Bob Mortimer calling me Ari in front of you that you thought I can't. No, maybe. I think he called you a few other names. Cunt is what I call him and he quotes it in his book. No. Well, I brought it up. But that's okay because it's a term of endearment. Of course. When I call Bob a cunt.

Going straight in with my cunts, you see. I'm going to get it out there. Oh, Arabella, you are. You're just a walking trigger warning, aren't you? I am. I'm all trigger. Yeah. Okay, now.

How is the tour going? The Fast Show Tour. How has it been being reconnected with your old muckers? My old muckers who are all men. People may or may not know. Well, it was 20 years ago that we did it last. I mean, did a tour and they were much more, well, they were younger and therefore more punchy, should we say. And this time was a lot easier.

I mean, everyone's still as argumentative and sort of, you know, unpleasant to each other as before, but I'm sort of more chill, as my kids would say, than I used to be. And it's all, but it was very, very good fun. Very good fun. Although I am a little old for a midnight pizza plus two bottles of wine. I mean, I shared the two bottles of wine with Paul as a rule, but I was still doing it. But, you know, the next day you're sort of going, should I be eating a 12-inch pizza and having a whole bottle of wine at midnight? Probably not.

The only way, though, isn't it? Because you can't be on stage, come off and then go, right, I'll have a chocolate option and two hotel biscuits in one of those wrappers and go to bed. That's going to be great. You've got to wind down. Oh God, did you see the guy in the front row? And oh my God, what about that guy shouting out the catchphrases anyway? It's good enough for the Rolling Stones. It's good enough for us. You did it live back in the day that we did it in we did it twice but the last time was exactly 20 years ago my kids were four and five and such a devoted mother was I um I mean that is true that I would get a car back from anywhere that was drivable so like we'd do the show and then I'd be getting in

a car in Manchester Der Derby. Wow. You know, all these places and coming back to London up at 7.30 doing their packed lunches. I was quite knackered. But because we were on the road for about a month, there's no way I could have done that then. But yeah, it went very, very well this time. And the idea is that we do it again. And it's just sort of like a chat. Is it a chatty thing?

No, no, no. It's a bit better than that. Because I was terrified, you know, we'd all be sitting on stools like, take that. And going, yeah, do you remember when, oh, that was hilarious. When, yeah, Charlie, when you came out with Swiss Tolley, oh, we did laugh. No, there's a bit of chat to get everyone on stage. And then we met and then we met and then, you know,

and then we do sketches. So, yeah, you can come on the next one. I'd really love to. No, you absolutely will. Especially as we're your specialist subject. You are my specialist subject. Did you see it, by the way? I've got 10 of them.

I'm sure I texted you. For the listeners, Jess did The Fast Show as her specialist subject on Celebrity Mastermind. Can I just say this? I did watch it because you know I love and admire you. And I know I texted you. Did you notice there was not one single question about any characters I did? Yes, there was.

No. Who was the supermodel who was on the show? Yes. That's not a question. No, I mean, I i agree it was that great it's a question about anything generated by me they just went oh find a famous woman um that was on the show more famous did they go there were no questions about like johnny depp he's definitely more famous than anyone's been than anyone any of the men on the show but they didn't ask a question about who's the Hollywood superstar.

Well, I don't think people want to hear his name, do they, anymore? They haven't got rid of him from the Poisson commercial, have they? No. It's called Savage. Oh, sorry, Savage. Now, I love Glasgow for lots of reasons. I love Scotland. But somebody had the poster of him with his guitar playing for wolves in the desert.

You know, because that's how. That's what happened. And it's a huge poster. Johnny Depp in all his rock and roll gear and the wolves behind him with his guitar. And it says Sauvage underneath. But somebody had very beautifully graffitied the fourth letter. So it read sausage. Yeah, that was pretty good. And it was so well done.

What's that? And he thought, is it called sausage? Oh, no, it's not. So far. That's great. But I would say that your sketches are the most well-remembered and loved. Thank you. I mean, there are obviously, I would say probably Ted and Ralph. Yes, sure.

But I think, does my bum look big in this? Sure. And the ignored woman. What is it called? Sorry, I should know this. And so expert. Girl who boys can so um expert girl who boys can't hear girl who boys can't hear can you just talk about that sketch though for a minute would you mind because i we've had a conversation about this not at all sorry so it's not as if i haven't

lived my life as a woman noticing that you aren't heard, you're ignored, people don't listen, or rather men don't listen. And then, of course, that was crystallized during the fast show because I would literally notice that I'd go, right, I'm going to do this now. And the response would be, should we go to Pret for lunch or should we go to that restaurant where we can sit down? And I think, no, I've literally just asked a question and, or I've literally done something. And then I thought, oh, well, I'll write it as a sketch, but here's an irony.

I'll write it as a character. I presented it because I always did in nice, neatly typed out sketches. You know, this should be generic woman, should be a police officer, should be a doctor with men. And Paul and Charlie went, because Paul Whitehouse and Charlie Hickson were the execs and the main people, so they had the yes or no vote. And they went, oh, no, no, Ari, I don't see why this is funny. Simon Day, here's the bitter irony, went, oh, no, I think this is us guys. This is funny. And they went, oh, well, yes, if you think that, yeah, we should do that. That's what happened. Thanks to a man, my sketch about being a woman who no one listened to

was included in the Voss show. Boom. And art imitated life, imitated art. And it's one of the best sketches ever written thank you very much i love it so much and it really was such a joy to go back over all the old oh you are lovely brilliant it was brilliant and i really oh god it all has stood the test of time all of it as well there's nothing in that show i mean like maybe you could say suits you is a little bit um slightly taking the piss out of gay well i don't know you know because i don't not really

homophobic it's not homophobic to the point of being it's just that they obviously are two game closeted gay but the joke is that they're closeted. It's the same with Ted and Ralph. A lot of jokes about closeted gay men, by the way, in the past show. More men who don't know. But actually, in defense of Sue Youser, Paul got that idea from a guy he worked with at Hatley Council who would go, were you out with a lady? Did she want to?

And he was straight. So the idea is more that they're pervs and their sexuality i mean they're just pervs yeah okay yeah and that sort of amalgamated the idea with the kind of man who would fit your school trousers in a day when in the days when such as like that sort of thing happened oh lots of room in there young man um and um so yeah it's actually much less about sexuality but yeah there's no question i don't think ted is gay but ralph is always no well that's why it's so but but then it's such an honest portrayal that it's not offensive.

Well, yeah. And also why the show, I think, unlike, if I may, talented as they both individually are, little brick. There's no, there was never any attempt to take the piss or humiliate a minority group. No. And even at the time, you just thought, what are you doing? You can't do this.

And also, I mean, because it was a character sketch show, it was about characters with individual traits that would be universally recognized. Not, we're going to do a hilarious thing about, you know, blacking up and thieving i mean for crying out loud to name one of the things that was so kind of alarming about little breton but i think they regret it now and they and you know very talented just um a show that no two women would have got away let's put it that way jess i don't think so

probably two women going do you know what this is what we're going to do people going are you mad that's not happening yeah so do you know that i was recently in coronation street and i know you were thrilled so yeah well yes because they said will you come in and i had practiced for days so there was a very famous sort of quite um i was going to say saucy, but then I sound like a dirty old man, a very attractive Northern actress called Billie Whitelaw. And she was, well, she was very famous in her day and it was all like, right, so Bert, do you think you're coming over tonight? And I was thinking, oh, am I going to do that whole thing? So I said to him, oh, listen, so so because I was supposed to come from what's that really

expensive bit beginning with C just outside Manchester where all the football is no not just an actual place anyway they said oh you're from here which is where all the houses are 7 million quid and blah blah blah and I went oh right so she'll be like hello then

Yvonne and they went um so I'm doing all this down the phone. He went, no, we just thought we could all like you talk. I said, well, get out of here. I've been practicing. Right. Well, no, you won't want that, will you? Oh, that's a shame.

I know. He said, we think the audience will know you. So probably best not if you try this. Oh, a shame. audience will know you so probably best not if you try oh oh the shit oh gus is saying is it congleton or alderley edge alderley edge thank you alderley edge which doesn't begin with a c thank you gus um yeah it always is there's some amazing voices that sort of like they're trying so hard to sound posh but they can't get rid of the the northern twang is still there there i like that there anyway that was good i love nothing more than a posh northern woman by the way of which i am well you're a posh northern woman i

know yeah i love i love myself now i love i do. I do love the attitude that Southern people have towards the North, which is that they can't comprehend that there can be such a thing as a posh Northern person. Posh Scottish person. I've got very good Scottish friends who are from originally working class Glaswegian families, and they're from Scotland, as were both my parents, and they said they couldn't comprehend a Scottish person without a Scottish accent. But of course, you've only got the Duke of Buccleuch.

I mean, you've only got half of Scotland, you know, the Toffs in Scotland specifically don't have Scottish accents. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They won't sound regional. Yeah, yeah. If you do want somebody like that, have a dispatch, it's both good. I'll tell you what, do that again, That they won't sound regional. Yeah. If you do want somebody like that, the dispatch is both going,

I'll tell you what, do that again, you cunt, and you don't. Anyway, let's start with the question, what's your perfect morning, please? Well, now that my kids have moved out of home the perfect morning would be if they were here as long as they didn't go fuck's sake you're so embarrassing uh in the morning but so and my daughter's a very good cook so the perfect morning would be if they were both here for whatever reason let's say we were going to something. I don't know. There's very, I can't imagine a reason they'd both spend the night here unless I was dying. So let's take that element out of it.

So if for some reason they were both here, or let's say they came round in the morning and my daughter made breakfast, that would be a perfect. Oh, are you trying to tell me you've got empty nest syndrome? No, I haven't. I mean, I've got ears to it now and they're happy where they're living and it's obviously the right way. But if someone said, would you have preferred your children to not develop in any social or in any other way, but just live with you forever?

I'd have gone, yeah, I'll take that. Yeah, you'd rather have a 45-year-old man still living in your house. I'd rather have a 45-year-old man with his trousers done up to just under his nipples going, I can't do that because I have to ask my mummy. And people say, you don't mean that. And I go, no, I do mean that. Oh, well, this is a problem, isn't it? You can't have both.

You either have a loser still living at home. And I count myself in that bracket in a way. In my mind, because I'm so incredibly hip and amusing, I think, well, no, you wouldn't be a loser if you were living with me because I'm brilliant. Obviously, you would be a loser if you were living with anyone else. And that was your mum. But I'm just so hit and crazy and my friends are so great. What's not to like? Well, that is true.

And what else happens this perfect morning? Oh, I think what really makes the perfect day, if I'm going to be really serious, is that it can be a bra-free day. And can I say, when you've got the larger boob, when you're younger, you take on a bra-free day only with an armed guard. And when you're older you take on a bra free day only with an armed guard and when you're older

you think well I'm obviously going to look like I need to be institutionalized if I go out so if I'm at home and I literally can go I can wear no bra all day I can tuck these bad boys into a waistband or just like pop them into a tight

t-shirt and somebody without people going hey what on earth are you playing at go look fuck it just don't look at me um yeah the i have the opposite problem that my my tits are so small that if i don't wear a bra i don't look i just i feel so self-conscious that i look like i haven't got it i need a bra to look like I've got tits yes well I I don't need we let's meet in the middle um I need a bra to stop them sort of clapping away on their own uh so when I cannot wear a bra uh and I have to try not to disturb my children too much but so that's the day I can wear perhaps a tight t-shirt or maybe a, what do they call them? Those things that are like tight vests. Not cropped.

Oh, a tank. The tankini. I love the idea of me going around the house in a tankini and there's no way in my short. It's my perfect day, guys, okay?

Isabella will be going, my daughter will be going like, Mum, I'm not being rude, but I'm like, you know, really? I go, all right. No, so joggers, a sort of crop top and an old sweatshirt, much like I'm wearing now, although I am wearing a bra now. I can't wait for the second I can take it off. Do you immediately, as soon as there's nobody in the house are you getting it off like down is it down the is it down the arm down no no it's just uh unleash the bad boys

at the back and then you feel the kind of doof and then go yes we're in we're in the zone it's just like getting a tight pair of shoes off at the end of the day, you go, oh, that is nice. Oh, lovely. I got measured up recently and found that she really wanted me to wear incredibly tight so that I've got these bits hanging over. Where was this? Asda? John Lewis. Well, then she didn't know what she was doing because if you've got,

and you're slim, but if you've got that kind of bit of squidge. We've all got that. Well, you mean like a sausage with rubber bands around it? Well, just your back fat. Yeah, but I'm saying as if it's hanging over the bra's not right. Right. Okay, well, this is what I thought. I thought that can't be right anyway she's she's

wrong okay there should be no back fat a hanging i don't know either well there should be none anyway but whatever does my back fat hang out of this oh yes no very good. There you go. The sequel. The sequel. So, okay. Any more to add to the morning? No, that's just, you know, oh, and obviously, I mean, you know, you know you're old when you start talking about this. If you've been lucky enough to have had a right old real cleansing poo,

then, I mean, put the flags out, you know, just, just put the flags out because you don't want, you don't want to carry it through your day, but sometimes you have to. If you've been lucky enough to do a morning evacuation, then, you know, it's time to put the flags out. I don't think people talk about this enough and how it can affect, it can really affect the enjoyment of your day. It really can. You don't want to take it out with you. You want to leave it at home.

And also, you can't really have a proper poo except for in your own home. Oh, my God. Which is why filming is so awful, isn't it? No, it stums this. You've acclimated the loo to your personal taste. But yes. No, you want to have a nice relaxing poo in your own home with your own loo paper and all the rest of it.

You don't want to be taking the poo to work or yoga in my case or whatever and then going off. When's it leaving? When's it going? When I'm good and ready. Yeah, when you're good and ready. So that is the perfect morning and the perfect... Yeah, when we were filming Avoidance,

our little exclusive, little beer-related exclusive, a post-clusive, we were filming opposite a church and that was where the toilet was. And, you know, I don't know if this happened to you, but I think after a while you've all been, you've become so close. You sort of become like a family, don't you, when you're filming? Yeah, yeah. And you do start to know.

And I think that it's a mark of things have become very intimate when people start talking about their bowel movements. And we started becoming very open about it, but the euphemism was I'm going to church that's how it started I need to go there I've been to church and then for the whole of the rest of the shoot we were like god I really need to go to church today or I couldn't go to church last night or I went to church at three in the morning and everyone was like oh my god so did I this is a devout believer she is and And somewhere on that career, there was someone going,

I'm so pleased you've taken Jesus into your life at this level. I had to go. I just woke up. I had to go to church at three in the morning. I felt it. Just had to go. And they're going, yes, God does come over you like that. Oh, blessed be.

Just to have a little quick recap. Your daughter's made you breakfast. You've taken your bra off and you've had a great shit. That's it? Can't think of a better morning? Cannot literally think, oh, and it'd be nice if it's sunny. Yeah, and a bit of sunshine. So, we'll move on. Arabella, we're...

What's your perfect afternoon, please? What's your perfect afternoon, please? If I hadn't been brought up, not that I was really brought up, but if I hadn't been the daughter of Scottish Presbyterians, a really fabulous afternoon would be a lunch with alcohol. But, you know, because there is nothing more decadent feeling and kind of yeah i can do this i've got no one to answer to and i can have a i can have booze in the afternoon so i'm not particularly bothered about the food but you know a little bit of food soak it up and then alcohol uh in the afternoon because i mean there is that's one of that's one of the reasons

i celebrate christmas day because you're allowed to have a drink at 11 a.m um i know it sounds like i'm an alcoholic and i'm a certain amount of depends sounds like you're in love yeah there's a certain amount of dependency there it's just the it's the sort of way factor of it yeah that's it i'm not going to be doing anything later and i'm not going to be answering to anyone and i am going to have a drink now thank you very much but i probably am going to have an early night as well it's not good this isn't necessarily going to take us through till the end exactly because i i don't have the wherewithal in any way physically or otherwise to sort of be going right and i will just power through then i'll go to the pub and then i'll

be drinking through the night no it's a kind of and then I can go home and flop and watch you know Judge Judy which is my guilty pleasure although I am beginning to tire of it um I know it's pretty it's pretty bargain basement but uh I didn't have you down um and so a bit of day drinking what's you what's your tipipple going to be? When it's in the day, it would be a nice crisp white. Yeah. Don't you just love it when you get that first sunny day of the year? Because that's sort of the first rosé day.

The first rosé or the first crisp white where, I mean, listen, if you can sit in your garden if you're lucky enough to have one and have a glass of something super cold with a salty crisp I mean that is very little to compare very little I can you just think I I do live in Britain but this is real sunshine and uh oh yes I used to but I don't drink alone anymore yeah I mean I can if I want but you know I try not to

as a gender rule well because then not because there's anything wrong and if you live alone good luck to you it's more about it's back to can I put the cork back in the bottle yeah and then when you're looking at the wrong end of a whole bottle on your own, then you're going, what am I, Eleanor Rigby?

I mean, you know, it's all Eleanor Rigby. That's the one that's for the oldies. I know, I'm trying to remember the lyrics. Lives on her own. It's a bottle of wine and used to be in the fast show. No. No. I can't. All the fast show. No. No. I can't.

All the lonely people. Yeah, yeah. Where do they come from? Where do they all come from? All drink a bottle of wine on their own. Well, yeah, we've all been there, haven't we? Sure. But the point is, this is your perfect day.

So you're not like... My perfect afternoon is I've had a bit to drink of some very nice crisp white and i haven't given a flying doodah yeah you know there's no kind of oh and now i've got to get it together to do this or is it now or is it if you could go back to a certain time in your life to have this after this perfect afternoon? Would you time travel? Well, I'd never ever wish my kids away, but of course, and I adore them, but I suppose you don't ever have the abandon.

Once you've had kids, you'll never have that kind of, yeah, bollocks, woo! No, I think as long as they're safe and happy, I could probably have a perfectly nice boozy afternoon without thinking, oh, look, my phone's been going off 900 times. So, yeah. So you would go for now or would you go, you might go back to 20? Oh, I'd go for now. You would go for now.

Pre-kids, I'd probably have been thinking, been thinking oh my god I feel so guilty and I really ought to do stuff and oh god what are they gonna think because I had that much to drink now and just like I couldn't care less bring it is now your favorite decade you've ever had no I think my favorite decade was probably my 40s because I was my I was my most in demand, I'd suddenly arrived, well, a bit before my 40s. I started getting recognition professionally. And, you know, I'd been waiting for kind of whatever, really, 15, 17 years. So throughout my 40s, I was suddenly from being the person going, who, what? From people going, oh, can we get her and can she do this?

And so, yeah, I was very fortunate in my 40s because I'd always thought it would, well, I wasn't very fortunate. I'd worked very hard, but. How long do you think you'd been grafting though? Like 20 years? Since I was an actress when I started when I was 21. Yeah.

So, and then, you know, you do something, you'd get recognition for that and that'd be great. And then people go, who, what? Oh no, I've never seen that or whatever and then someone said to me what's your definition of success and I said it's the recognition of my peers people I admire I don't care I've never cared about being recognized in the street but then you know meeting people like you are the younger generation you go oh I love that show and you think this is what I did it for so that people I admire will recognize what I'm doing and think I'm doing a good job so yeah my 40s probably. Wow yeah I always wanted to be you and Caroline. Oh that's a big reason I've told you this before, but a really huge, huge inspiration for me.

Well, that's very, very special. And knowing it was possible even. Well, they used to say, actually, everyone thinks it's the Williams sisters, you know, the tennis players, but in fact, it was Billie Jean King who said you have to see it to be it. Yes. And if you couldn't see it, why would you? Billie Jean King didn't know what tennis was

when a friend from school invited her to play. So yeah, well, I'm very, very pleased. And I'm, yeah, I'm very pleased and flattered. And it was, it was, is, was a, you know, wasn't without its fights because I still think, I still think comedy is skewed towards men. Because, I mean, you just take something like Avoidance that you're in, where Romesh plays your estranged partner and is so good. But if a woman, if you try to write a character who had his

character flaws, let's call them, you'd immediately think, well, there's something phenomenally wrong with her and no one would fancy her. No heterosexual male would fancy her, which would by and large be true because the comedy relies on him not being able to express himself. All the tropes, you know, men being emotionally attracted, even though they're emotionally stunted. And so you can see how comedy for the masses is basically sort of male centric, because of course, women don't have the quirks that are generally accepted as normal in life that men do. You know, I mean, even things like, I'm always teasing Paul about this,

you know, even things like fishing. If a woman told you if there was a major sport that women did which involved standing in a river for hours on end waiting for a fish that they knew wasn't coming. You know, wait a minute, so that's what you do. Yeah. That's what I do with my time. And I stand waist height in a torrent of water waiting for a fish that I already know can't come, but I am going to spend a thousand pounds on a rod. And that is what I'm going to do. And I dare say most women are thinking, thank God he's out of the house.

But people who go, do you know, this woman does that. And you go, well, that's just Matt. Yeah. She's doing something more productive. And also when the fish does come, of course, you just throw it back. I mean, that's the incredible bit as well, isn't it? It was worth the nine hour wait. No, that's just a sort of, that's one of my general kind of observations that society makes allowances for the oddness of men in a way that it wouldn't. It just wouldn't. It's not structured around women having bizarre pursuits and also trying to have marriages and kids and stuff. I mean, we've got a long way to go until women can do weird and wonderful things in the same way as men can. And also, you know, you just think I absolutely loved avoidance and I thought you were all so brilliant in it, but I was watching that bit where he's trying to sort of get you back and you think, well, I mean, if that was a woman talking, you'd just think

there's something really seriously wrong with her yeah it's difficult it's it's true it's hard for women to be weirdos and actually really you need to be a weirdo to to be in comedy well quite the world is less kind to a weird woman than it is to a weird bloke i mean the most extreme example obviously of weird women is witches. I mean, there are literal consequences, sort of deadly consequences for women being weird in history, aren't there? Right.

Shall we go to night time? well i haven't drunk in the day from a perfect night yeah therefore would be a nice a nice supper with some good mates oh lovely so lovely. So because, I mean, I don't mind going out and occasionally, you know, I'll get the slap on and not high heels anymore. But when I was younger, I went out to get laid, by and large, or at least to get boys to fancy you. Then I got married and was with my husband for a while and liked him for a bit. And then it's very nice to be home with someone you like and not having to go, oh, but we've got to get back to the babysitter or anything like that. And I remember feeling very smug in those days, thinking, oh, yes. And now I'm very happy to go out, but you kind of, my mother who was very unhappy and bitter and angry a lot of the time, not really much point in me spending too much money on a dress because no one is going to

go. I mean, you might say girlfriends by and large, maybe the occasional male friend might say, oh God, you look nice, but it doesn't have the same currency. And that's sort of how it should be. So you kind of think, well, I put on all this slap and got these expensive shoes on. I'm a new dress. You're thinking, cause I'm not going to get laid and you know, I don't really care. Um,

so that's quite a sort of relax. So I don't, I'm quite happy to go out and I will, you know, put all the gear on. Um, I haven't put a bra on. Oh,

like I'm, I am not yet at the stage of going braless out. I haven't entered my Miriam Margolis years, shall we say. What are you saying about getting ready then? That now when you get dressed, you're getting dressed for yourself. You're not getting dressed for your leg. I'm not getting dressed for myself. I'm also, and I'm very aware of this, I'm getting dressed appropriately out of respect for the event.

Yeah. You know, I don't want people to think, oh, well, I'm great. She just goes, you know, she just turns up and going, well, yeah, can't be bothered. And I'm getting, I'm dressed because that's the ritual. But it doesn't have the same weight as it would do, which is why it's nice to have mates around your house for dinners or go to other people's. Yeah, but okay, so are we talking girlfriends? Because I have a problem now, which is that everyone's married

and I don't necessarily want to hang out with their husbands. I think if you said you can only choose one, I'd have a supper with girlfriends. Because then you haven't got to listen to all that. No, you see what you need, what you shouldn't. No, no, no. And I've got some great male friends. But I've got, I'm thinking, it sounds a bit sad,

but of course it's not. It's all about perception. But I, every once a year uh three couples and me go on holiday together and i like those three men as much as i like the women and then then that's quite fun yeah i do not that i don't love men i've got loads and loads of male friends you keep one at home don't're like... Yes, I keep one in the loft. I've got one at home that I keep regularly. But I suppose there's just nothing...

There are just conversations. I mean, I will say anything to anyone. I think we share this trait. No filter. Direct. No filter whatsoever. Well, it's an interesting one. I did want to ask you a bit about that.

Are you criticised for that? And have you ever thought to yourself, well, maybe I should work on that or whatever? Because I do at times. Two things. I have been accused of being grand. And because I've got a posh name and quite a posh voice, of course, people have assumed, I would say wrongly, that I've been prepared to say anything because I'm entitled and it's a grand thing. And I've said, no, I was told all the time,

as well as that I was too fat as a kid by my parents, that I talked too much. And they never said that to my brothers. Now, my brothers probably did talk less than me, but I very much saw it as you're a girl, you need to be thin and talk less. And the boys can sort of talk about whatever they like, because whenever a boy opens his mouth,'s interesting and a girl needs to be sort of pleasing and emollient and so what i feel as someone said to me the other day you're very rude and i said yes but i'm straight not heterosexual and and i think with the territory which i do accept i think is you have to be prepared for people to say, I don't like you, you're too direct, whatever, and you go, fair enough. But what I won't have, so if I go, that's fine, if you want to think that, but at least you know what I think. And I think most people think, well, you know who she is. You're not having to go. But what I won't accept, and

I've had one person accuse me of it recently, is that I'm like that because I'm saying, well, I'm just so posh, I can say what I like. And that's definitely not it. Yeah, I get it. I think people think it's a quirk of my northerness. And they say, you know, she's just a no-nonsense northerner. She's just so direct. And I sometimes think people think I'm ruder than I am

because I say what I think with a northern accent and then they... Oh, she's right. So it wouldn't help if I said that. Partly because I'm doing The Fast Show and partly because there was a show on BBC Two around Christmas. I've had occasion to look at Carolina Hearn's work again. And of course, most famously, Mrs. Merton. Now, she couldn't possibly have done that character unless she'd had a, oh, so, you know, an old lady's northern.

Do you think that's because you're fat and drink too much? You know, George Best, why are you so thirsty? And you think it's so interesting and you and I who will have had a harder time of it than virtually any bloke in comedy have had occasion to observe those things because if you want to say rude things to people in comedy, you're going to, if you're a woman, well probably also if you're a bloke, it's going to have to be dressed up in some weirdness so that you're not just an attractive, ordinary person saying, so why do you drink so much? Is it because you're an alcoholic?

You know, you're going to have to find a way to dress it up. That's something I love about spending time with you in the company of other people, especially male comedians, because you will get you there will be after a few minutes an arabella weir interrogation session and it is a wonder to behold you know it's so liberating to be to say things that are so outrageously unpleasant yeah and then just pop on a no offense at the end of it pop but yeah and then no offense but yeah but i literally got that off a cab driver. He picked me up

from my house, because he lives nearby Paul Whitehouse's house, to go to the British BAFTAs, TV BAFTAs, where we lost. And he said, well, what are we going to the Albert Hall for? Are you in the BAFTAs? And I said, yeah. And he goes, what are you in? And I said the Fast Show. And he went, oh, I hate that

show. No offence. And I thought, right, well, I'm having that i'm having that he went no no i like other stuff now it's too uh weird for me and i thought and no offense and i just thought right i'm having that and i managed not to go now listen here young man how could it not be offensive oh so yeah right that was fantastic And thank you so much for coming on. Don't be silly, my darling. What a blooming woman. Another corker of an episode, even if I do say so myself. What a lovely, perfect day.

That was Arabella Weir. That was our show. I'm off to church. If you haven't yet, why not like, subscribe and leave us a review? Have you thought about that? Have you ever thought about leaving someone a review? Because they might actually read it and they might really enjoy that. Just before you go, can I ask you a quick favour,

not to sound like Stephen Bartlett, because I think that's what he does at the end, but I actually want to genuinely ask you a favour, not a favour that just affects me, it isn't really a favour because it just improves my life. This is an actual favour, a favour that is going to change someone's life. that is going to change someone's life. My friend, Eleanor Tom, is the reason I started out in comedy because she founded the sketch group that I was in at Manchester University, Ladygarden.

She's Marbezi, and she's very, very poorly with a disease called endometriosis. This is a disease that affects one in 10 women, by the way. There's no treatment or cure for it other than just this brutal surgery. Because it only affects women and why would it matter? Because we're just women, aren't we? Oh, I've got an email.

Anyway, look, we're fundraising for Eleanor. She's had 11 surgeries on the NHS. There's nothing left for them to do now. So we're taking her to America for what will hopefully be the last surgery she'll ever need. But it is an absolute fortune. So I'm going to pop a link to the GoFundMe if you can afford to donate anything at all. It is such a brutal disease

and we really need to get her better. I really want my... To be honest, I want my friend back, but I want my comedy sketch pal back because she's hilarious and it's ruined her bloody life and it's not fair so anyway if you can give anything at all please do if everybody gave a pound we'd be there. So look, that's that. We've got brand new episodes every Thursday. And next week, there will be another Thursday. God willing. And we're going to have Tim Key on. Do you know how amazing that is? I love Tim Key. I love him. and you will be able to hear that in my voice. It's

slightly embarrassing how much I love him actually. Anyway, stay tuned for that. It's another corker of a net. I'm off from Yorkshire with love. I'm Jessica Knappett, wishing you a perfect day. perfect day. we take a deep dive and salute some of the all-time greats. These include Rick Mayle, Jasper Carra, Eddie Murphy, Morecambe and Wines, Victoria Wood and many, many more. That's the Always Be Comedy podcast out every Tuesday and now Always Be Comedy's Comedy Heroes out every Friday. Who is the most impressive Welsh person? What's the best thing to wear on your feet? And what supermarket would Jesus shop at?

Guest-o-mators, the weekly interactive quiz show is back for a brand new series With me, Andy Bush, and our quiz master, Statman Matt We've surveyed the nation, and now we're grilling our celebrity guests To see if they can tap into the collective brains of Britain Past guests include Lloyd Griffith If you're taking that into the shower, I mean, I know the NHS is stretched But go and see your doctor. Mel Gedroych. I've never

been asked to join a pub quiz team because I think people really detest the way I've become. Bryony Gordon. Like, we just spent 15 minutes talking about how long the guestination spends on the loo, you know? That's not normal. Nick Helm. As Italians go, he's probably a bit

more famous than Pablo Picasso, isn't he? And Kima Bob. If you put your purse on the floor, you'll end up poor. That's the rhyme. Everyone knows it. To listen to the show and play along at home, you know what to do. Go to guestamators.com.