Perfect Day with Jessica Knappett - EP6: Tim Key

Episode Date: August 29, 2024

This week Jessica Knappett is joined by actor, comedian, poet and author Tim Key to discuss his perfect ever day. Whilst discussing Tim’s jam-packed day, we hear the pair discuss Samuel Pepys, some stellar ideas for other podcasts, the best side of airport security to get into a pickle, their worst ever breakages, bullet trains, cricket and late-night kebabs.Like and subscribe for brand-new episodes every Thursday and follow us on Instagram @perfectdaycast for news about the podcast. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

D-O-M-A-N-E-C-T D-O-M-A-N-E-C-T Alright then. Some mad cunt's got the fire going again. Hello and welcome to Perfect Day. I'm Jessica Knappett. You are perfect. You are perfect. To me, you are perfect. Thank you for coming back here to listen. And welcome if you're new to all this.

If you are new to all this, this is the podcast where I interview funny, famous people about what would constitute their perfect morning, afternoon and night. And today on the show we have a comedy icon. He's a comedian, he's an author, an actor, a poet, a true artist. It's Tim Key. Now I have been a long admiring fan of Tim Key's since back in the day when he won the Edinburgh Perrier Comedy Award. And to be sitting down with him now, wow, it's a big deal for me. And I consider him a friend now as well. I would say that. Showing off now, aren't I? But if you don't know who he is,

you might know that he's sidekick Simon on Alan Partridge. You also might not know that he has written a lot of books, the most recent book of which is called Chapters, Very Funny Read, a collection of his new poetry and you should check it out and what can i tell you about this episode it's a lovely chat he's just a great guy it's it's a jam-packed perfect day and we talk about everything from cricket of course to not of course but he is if you know tim you will know he's a cricket head. I think that's what they're called.

We talk about Samuel Pepys, the diarist, of course. We talk about bullet trains. We talk about kebabs. So I hope it's your cup of tea. And if it's not Grow up This is Tim Key's Perfect Day I think I'm going to end up Watching

The question time Where they also have the sign language lady and eating a kebab. Right. Well, hello. I'm joined by Jessica Knappett. No, no. Not this time. Well, I am.

I'm joined by Jessica Knappett. Unfortunately no Not this time Well I am I'm joined by Jessica Knappert Unfortunately It will be the other way round Today I'm in charge So Tim Hi Hello

There's a new WhatsApp group in town And it's called Kingpins And it's all to do with A bowling night A bowling night Is it a comedian's bowling night? There are Well I'll be bowling so one one

i don't know i guess you'd call can you say yeah i can do mickey fannigan jack d french and saunders and eddie murphy so yeah yeah they're comedians holy that's there's wow and you're just going down to

Hollywood Bowl to Rowan's in Finsbury Park in fact I may as well I don't think I have anything else

to plug so shall I plug that one plug the night May the 18th 7 o'clock in Rowan's that's true May the 18th. Seven o'clock in Rowan's. That's true.

Well, good job this goes out on and after May the 18th. Oh, is it after? Yeah. I started a new WhatsApp group yesterday. Nobody has replied. Right. To my initial. Do you want to open it up to me as well what's it called i'm

concerned that i've been too bossy yeah in this podcast no it's called moon's big birthday members one two three four five six seven eight nine ten legends yep and how many people all together hello exclamation mark you've started this have you i don't know if you're the right Yep. And how many people all together? Hello! Exclamation mark. You've started this, have you? I don't know whether you're the right person to start or what's that group. Go on. Why? Go on.

Moon is 40. Let's make a weekend of it. Wow. Kingpins is a modest affair. Kingpins starts at 7 and ends at midnight. You're hogging a whole weekend. It's moon's fortieth and it's what she wanted. And she's shy. You're going to be a canal boat.

Not this time. No. Are you comfortable on a canal? For a bit. Yeah. And then it gets boring, doesn't it? Yeah, it's the wrong era, isn't it? Well...

I think canals were in their prime. I think I'd have been good on a canal in the sort of 1800s with a great big thick dray horse wandering along next to me. Yeah, and a vat of wool. Mead. Well, a vat of wool. Sorry, what did I say? I meant wool.

Do you think you'd have been okay in the Victorian age? Yeah. Well, no, I think I'd have died quite young. Yeah, but you'd have met your quotas. What does that mean? Well, I think you'll be in a factory, won't you? Making your quotas with your factory Oh, right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, I'd have been a conscientious factory worker for sure. But I'd rather be a lady. Now, what do they do? They're like in a country house.

Yeah. Just be married. I do think about it because the... Bonking the gardener. Carry on, sorry. Well, I'm not wrong, am I? No. No, I wouldn't have thought so.

Yeah, I mean, that's what greenhouses are for, really, except I guess that's why you... What, for bonking? Yeah. Oh, yeah. Or the lean-to. Yeah. You?

How do you see... I think you're much more of a lord, aren't you? Much more of his lordship. I think I know what I'd have been, realistically. Diarist. Oh, God. What? I'd have been a diarist. Decent money in diarist. It's not really a job, though, is it? No, it's what you do on the side. You talk about your job.

What did peeps do on the side? Well, let's talk about the spelling. What did peeps do on the side? Well, let's talk about the spelling. That's insane. It should be P-E-E-P-S. It's P-E-P-Y-S. Yeah.

Any ideas? That's just insane. That's a clerical error, is it? Or like a birth certificate situation? But it was all nuts then. They were just figuring it all out. Imagine him on the phone. He'd have to explain it to absolutely everyone. I know, yeah, you're right.

So Samuel Peeps. Go on. P. Yeah, P. Yeah, then I'm guessing E. Yeah. Try to guess the next one. E like Einstein.

No, not another E, no. P, E. What's the next one, do you think? You're never going to guess it. You're never going to guess it. You're never going to guess it. I'll give you Y for free. Fourth letter's Y. Excuse me.

So that's P, E, blank, Y. It is an S at the end. You've done this before. I haven't. This is your peeps bit. It's my peeps bit, yeah. You've brought your peeps bit. I'm working up a peeps This is your peeps bit. It's my peeps bit, yeah. You've brought your peeps bit. I'm working up a peeps bit.

A peeps bit. Please save the date. Yep. Location TBC, probably Peak District. Hmm. Peak District. I sent that. I sent that a quarter past one yesterday.

Look how many replies. That's zero replies. Was it quarter past one in the afternoon? Yeah. Oh, no. Nothing back from Moon, even. That's zero replies. Was it caught past one in the afternoon? Yeah. Oh, no. Nothing back from moon, even. That's, what, so what, how do you interpret that? There's only one way to interpret it.

You've done it wrong. How have I done it wrong? I don't know, but you cannot get zero uptake. Not even, nobody's even thumbs-upped it. No. Is your phone on? Are we waiting for something to... I honestly checked yesterday

by sending a few test WhatsApps to my husband. To see whether your WhatsApp was working. Have you organised something like this before for Moon and it didn't go so well? No, it went really well. Peak Moon. Yeah. Was that the...

Peak District. Right. We that the... Peak District. Right. We all actually surprised Moon at the peaks. So you took Moon to the peaks and she thought it was just a weekend with the two of you. She thought it was just going to be me and her. And then when she got there... Carnage.

Carnage. Carnage. And we thought we'd do it again for her 40th, but not this time. I think people grow up don't they people have their own stuff going on people yeah I guess people grow up people grow up too fast

they grow up too fast it's very sad that's one of the saddest stories I think I've ever heard from you okay well let's talk about you I suppose happily I have an open book Okay. Well, let's talk about you, I suppose. Happily. I have an open book. How? I bumped into you on the way here. You were busy writing in a cafe. I was, yeah.

Watched you for a little bit. Yeah, you did watch me. I knocked on the window. You didn't look up. I couldn't work out who you were. But you had a cap on. Are you serious? Yeah. So you did see me yeah I thought I knew this girl

no I only saw you when I declared that I'd seen you right okay so you went and then I had been there for quite a long time

yeah I know people had seen me people were watching me watch you oh god what's your podcast about? you should tell the listeners I've already

I tell them in the intro so I don't need to do that. Then we just meander into a chat. When do you tell the guest? We're here to talk to you, Tim, today. Tim Key. Key. Yes. Do you have any nicknames? Keezy. Notes.

Keezy. And notes. Yeah. Mel. Keynotes. Why Mel? Because I was in a sketch group once and I was like maybe about three years older than them. So they thought I was Victor Meldrew. Mel, that stuck. Who calls you Mel? The cowards? Tom Basden calls me Mel. That sounds like about right. That is about right. Not far off, is it? No.

Do you have any nicknames? Yes. That's good. I'm enjoying this podcast. Naps. It's very freewheeling. Nappers. Yeah.

Why isn't your podcast about napping? That's the big question. Because I think that could be a podcast. Because everyone has memories of where they've slept, like in a stable or something. Stable. I've slept in a stable or something or where they've stable i've slept in a stable okay yeah come on then let's have it what's a stable first of all a stable is where horses live yeah no not a stable then okay a barn oh right no that is different yeah a converted barn so no no no no no no yeah it was a barn I don't know if it had been converted the other way to become a barn,

but this was a barn. So were there animals in there? Only me and two Russian guys. So you slept in a barn in Russia with some Russian guys. Yeah. Why? You know, it was the complete authentic experience of going into the Russian countryside. We travelled on a one horse open sleigh. So we get the train and then I think we got a bus and then we got a sleigh and then we found ourselves in this kind of little shack in the middle of nowhere where we were sort of drinking vodka.

And I guess the people who we were drinking vodka with were being paid to drink vodka with English students. And then... Oh, this is part of your course. Yeah, and then into the barn. Oh, but just you? Just me on that one. Why did everyone... Where was everyone else sleeping?

Well, this is why I do think this would be a good podcast for you because it would be exactly this. Best sleeps. Best sleeps. Best sleeps. It's not actually terrible, is it? I don't think it's bad. It might not even be best sleeps. There might be some bad sleeps in there.

I mean, that's the thing with podcasts. If you work it up, then really you're like saying, what's your best sleep? What's your worst sleep? What's a night where you didn't go to sleep? And then it finishes with the nap. Best nap. Most useful nap you've ever had. I fell asleep on stage.

No, you didn't. Yeah. During a gig? Yeah. During a play. Oh, well, they are quite boring, aren't they? Yeah, I know, but you should be more invested than that, shouldn't you? So you were in a play?

I was in a play and there's about, there was a long bit of about 10 minutes. Which play was it? It's called Party by Tom Basden again. A great play, I've seen it. Fantastic, yeah. Lovely bit of water pouring from you, actually. Oh, absolutely. I wasn't asleep in that bit.

Woke up for the water pouring. Wide awake for the physical stuff. It's just the bit where you're... Not on stage. On stage. On stage, not doing it, no dialogue. On stage, but no dialogue. The worst.

Shall we crack on? Let's crack on. Let's do it. What's your podcast about? Let's talk about your perfect day, Tim. Too easy. What's your... He's getting his book out.

I've got my notebook out. What's your perfect morning? Okay, let me just tell you one or two things about my perfect morning does it have to all make sense no right please no i think i would like my morning to begin in a large house okay don't you agree um and it's the morning after the night before. Uh-oh. And everyone's away. It's a bit of a sort of moonpig.com weekend that you're trying to organise.

Everyone's away, as in... You're all together in a house. You're all together in a house. You've booked the house. You're all together in a house. Airbnb? Might be. Open fire.

The night before, carnage. Absolute carnage. All sorts of things happening. Crazy. Some debauchery. Some madness. Some goss.

Just shenanigans. Maybe some stuff gets broken. And you don't know why it's... It's the opening scene of The Hangover. Maybe there's a chicken. Exactly. I've not seen it. But there's maybe like an urn has fallen over.

I don't know what's happened. But basically carnage. And then you wake up and it's a prox 915 and you plod down and everyone is somewhere between drunk and hungover and there's just a fantastic atmosphere. Someone's cooking a full English breakfast. You know, these people aren't, in this story. These people aren't 17. These people know what they're doing. Someone somewhere has gone to a supermarket. Provisions are in. Everything's in. Someone, a man or someone else has taken charge in the kitchen.

They've got a helper. There's the sound of things frying. There's someone who's in a bad way. They're outside in the garden. Someone's checking on them. Some other people are, you know, saying things like, what the fuck is that about some drink that's half drunk? It's a bit of a clean up operation. And it's a bit of a, then everyone round a large wooden table. And it's euphoric. And it's a very specific vibe. And I like that vibe.

What do you think about that? I know and love and talk relentlessly about the days of the collective hangover gone by. The days of the collective hangover. These days we suffer in silence, alone, every day. Don't we? There's also, there's an optimism in the air. Yes, there's hope. Because this isn't the last night.

This is just Friday. This is the Friday, so this is the Saturday morning. Saturday morning. There's an activity planned. We're not going to get into that. It's not part of my perfect day. Don't get me involved with that. But the point is, around that table, there's arguments about whether or not we're going for a long walk,

whether we're going to go and visit this town or this fucking fort. There's also maybe a little bit of a nibble in terms of some rounders. Oh, stop it. The world's at our feet. Yeah. Do you know that I have a Roseanne rounders? No, I did not know that. I mean, Tim. When's that?

It's ladies only, but. Is it? We have an annual Roseanne Rounders night I did not know that I mean Tim when's that it's ladies only but is it we have an annual Roseanne Rounders when would it be what sort of month

June June yeah it's moot but that is it's good isn't it gorgeous

it's really really good it's really really good it's vital yeah some mad cunt's got the fire going again. Do you know what? It never went out. It never went out.

It never went out. Someone stayed up all night. Yeah. People saying, hang on a minute. Where's Rick? There's a lot of that. He's still in the snug. Where's Rick? There's a lot of that. He's still in the snug. He's somewhere.

Some people are not accounted for. Rick Edwards, that was. We don't know that. Do you know what? Actually, when I'm thinking about the person in the kitchen, that's what I said about this man. That's Rick. You're right, because someone's got to take charge. He loves it in the kitchen.

He loves it in the kitchen. He hasn't got a clue what he's doing. You're right. Because someone's got to take charge. He loves it in the kitchen. He loves it in the kitchen. He hasn't got a clue what he's doing. Do you have friends with big houses in the country? This house is not owned by one of my associates. Crucially. No, this house is very much someone's found this house. Yeah. A dear friend of mine, I love this story, she woke up in one of these houses.

Yeah. In what she didn't know was what they called it, the king's bed. She was in the king's bed. And she woke up. Was it a four-poster? Minimum, I suppose. To a group of tourists walking in for the first visit

oh right they're having a look and she's in the king's bed do they think that there shouldn't be someone in here or do they think fantastic there's an actor there should not be someone in this wing of the house and in this state and sleeping in this bed

yes mascara on the duvet but that's good isn't it and sleeping in this bed. Yes. Yes. Mascara on the duvet. Yes. But that's good, isn't it? No, that is good. You don't want it to be someone's house and you don't want there to be tourists there in a roped-off area.

You want, if there are consequences, you want the consequences just to be split 12 ways and everyone's okay about it. Exactly. You've lost a deposit and it's okay. You've lost a deposit. Everyone's paying £65. It's a shame, admittedly.

There's finger pointing, admittedly. But in the end, someone takes charge and says, we split it 12 ways. We're all in this together. What's the worst breakage you've ever been responsible for? Yeah. Yeah. That's a New Year's Eve party and that's at someone's house, someone's parents' house, and that's, here I am,

and I'm leaning back now against a Welsh dresser and now I'm walking forward and it's coming with me and now the whole Welsh dresser falls flat on its stomach and everything on the Welsh dresser smashes. No. How did it come with you? I think there must have been like an inch between it and the wall. So I lean back.

It goes back a tiny bit, then comes forward. There's a lot of plates and stuff. You know, there'll be statues of clowns on there. And it just has its own momentum. And somehow it followed me. I'd say one of the worst things. I then move out of the way. There's no way. Maybe

I turned and tried to, but whatever I did, it got enough momentum where everyone got out of the way and that smashed on the floor. Oh God. I mean, actually there's a whole podcast in Accidental Breakages. Perfect! That's the podcast. I'm thinking.

The podcast is called I Didn't Mean It. Oh, God, that's great. Nobody steal that. Shall I tell you one of mine? Not, no. Oh, go on then. I hate seeing you like this. Go on. What's one of yours? I was drinking. No, an accent of breakage. I was drinking...

No, it was a breakage that happened to me. I was drinking out of a bottle of beer and I got nudged by Daniel Lawrence Taylor, the actor. DLT. DLT, great guy. Fantastic. He accidentally, he says, nudged me. I think he was being funny.

What was it, the teeth? says nudged me. I think he was being funny. What was it? The teeth? Two bits of my front tooth fell out and crumbled into my mouth. Off they go. Swallow them down. I've got a little thing there and there now. No, no, I've got a crown.

I didn't realise it had happened, of course. Of course. It was quite an epic party. So the rest of the party, you just looked like... I carried on talking to Lydia Hampson. Do you know her? I know Lydia Hampson.

And then I just carried on talking. I said, Daniel Taylor, you've just knocked into me. Swigged my beer, felt something weird in my mouth, carried on talking to Lydia Hampson. She said, Jessie, teeth are falling out. Wow, that's a game changer. Spat them into my hand. Spat them into my hand. Spat them into your hand.

I suppose it looked a bit like a polo, did it? Yeah, did a bit, yeah. But very different. But I carried on, obviously, at the party. Oh, you have to carry on. There was nothing I could do about it there. I suppose I'll guess roughly the time. I'm thinking this is about 2.45.

I'm thinking you're about right, actually. It's about right, isn't it? And then I had to go to a hen party. I had to go to my sister-in-law's hen party the next day. Without the teeth. Toothless. Oh, well, I don't know. I'm a traditionalist.

I like you with teeth. We dealt with it on Monday morning like we always do. Right, so two parties without the teeth and then rest of your life with the teeth. Any more to add to the perfect morning? Look, it's a mishmash morning. Okay, great. Because that whole scenario, I mean, I'm getting us out of there by half ten

so I can do a bit more of a different morning somewhere else. Okay, great. And the hangover's obviously magically gone. Oh yeah. It's not about that. And now, look at us now. Here we all are. And we're at the first session of a test match. Yeah. Well, I mean, there's no use

saying that. You can't fight it. That's what's happening. Of course, I should have known. I'm at the test match. Where? Well, why not? The Oval. I'll meet you halfway. Let's go to Headingley. Okay.

I might pop in. You can do. For a sandwich? Yeah, you can come in for a sandwich. They usually have concessions there. That is the nice thing about cricket, isn't it? Oh, it's fantastic. What a spectator sport it is.

Oh, it's beautiful. You know, there's not many activities where you're taking, where the idea of it is to watch something, but in addition you're taking a book. You take a book? That can happen at the, I don't. Day five? Yeah, day five.

That's a good thing to say. Also, you could take. I used to date a cricketer, actually. Pardon me? Is it Botham? Is it Botham? I would also, you know, you go there and it's like maybe a cricketer, actually. Pardon me? Is it Botham? Is it Botham? I would also, you know, you go there and it's like maybe a group of like four or five people. Yeah.

And maybe you have like a hamper. I never organised that. No. In my ideal world, there's a hamper. But someone else, Rick Edwards has seen to that. Rick Edwards will do that. He'll do that. And then there's also a cryptic crossword. Okay.

And in this morning that we're talking about, there will be a pint of lager or a pint of beer. Of course, just a little livener. Yeah, and watching the cricket. And it will be, maybe it will be England batting. Do you know what England batting is yet? Yes, I know what England batting do you know what England batting is yeah yes I know what England batting is England are going in to bat

England are currently in bat yeah perfect one more and that means yes they're not they're not bowling or fielding brilliant they're actually not and they're up they're up they're up what does that mean how many runs have they

had isn't bad yep they're up they're up they're up what does that mean how many runs have they had that isn't bad yep they're up and they've had 45 runs oh okay although actually the thing is do i have to leave this by the end of the morning uh no it's your perfect day you can do whatever you want so my perfect day yeah there's that's happening but i want my perfect day, yeah, that's happening. But I want my perfect day, I want it to be known now that I don't want the hassle of going in between all these things. I don't want my perfect day to be a nightmare. You won't have to. It'll be frictionless. I magically...

It's frictionless. Yeah. I magically appear at the cricket and then at one o'clock I magically disappear. Gorgeous. Are you doing the cryptic crossword with anyone or by yourself? Yeah, I've got my friend next to me.

Yes, collaborative. Yeah, Bruno's doing it. Bruno? Yeah, Bruno. Lovely. He's really good at cryptic crosswords. We once did a cryptic crossword on a bullet train. And those are notoriously fast. Is that what you're trying to tell me? You did it really quickly. It's a bit of a race against the clock on a bullet train.

It's slightly easier to do a cryptic crossword in this country. Is this a Japanese bullet train then we're talking about? It would be surprising if it was Dutch, wouldn't it? Yeah, I don't know if they're anywhere else. From where to where? Tokyo to Hiroshima. to wear? Tokyo to Hiroshima. Now what I would say is that at one point we had to change a station and now what I would say is the following. Bruno and I are on the platform. Bruno needs to get some gifts. Also, Brino has a pillowcase full of Japanese coins. I don't know why that's happened. He's accumulated them because he's working in Japan. He's got a lot of coins

and he spots a vending machine that sells gifts. It is the classic one stone, two birds. Over we go. Bruno starts pumping cash into the vending machine. And as soon as there's enough in to get something. A5. A5. Oh, he's gone for the chocolates, yeah.

He's gone A5. Keeps on pounding the coins in. What's he getting next? E8, I suppose. Hello Kitty. Yeah. Key ring. Exactly.

More coins. Another gift. More coins. Another gift. A train is pulling into the station Arigato, Sayonara not quite, tries to open the flap at the bottom, too many gifts in it, doesn't open

onto the train he filled the well up too much Arigato oh Too much. Maraghetto. Oh. Oh, God. Nobody got anything, but they got a lovely story. No one got anything, but they got a lovely story. And what I would say is, maybe in my perfect day,

I'll have half an hour on the bullet train. Oh, yeah. You should. You should. But don't you want a moment like that? Oh, a classic, this will be an anecdote told for time to come. Yeah.

Moment. Yeah, you probably do. I think I would. I never thought my perfect day would involve Brino at the vending machine, but I guess it does. I remember, this is so weird. weird I remember once were you with someone was it Johnny Sweet oh this is good I know this story well I don't know why I know this maybe you tweeted about it or something I did tweet about this probably and he posted his iPod

he posted his iPod this is because And he posted his iPod. He posted his iPod. This is because we were going to Australia. We were at Heathrow. He needed to post something before we flew. I don't know what that was, but it was in a sort of, you know, bubble, an envelope that had a bit of padding, tries to force it into this letterbox,

like a traditional pillar box, but in Heathrow. It won't quite go in, gets his iPad to force it in. It pops through the thing, so does his iPad, his iPod. And then it's also a glass side for this pillar box. So he can see and everyone can see. And we can't get to it. It was very sad. Did you just leave it?

I can't remember. I think he did a lot of trying to get people. But who are you asking? Because you need the postal service. You can't just go to Zara. No. I don't care who you are. Z You can't just go to Zara. No. I don't care who you are. Zara can't help with this.

You can't stop a pilot. Which side of security were you on? Before or after? Oh, no, we're through security. Oh, no, this is terrible. I'm sure we're through security. Why? Because it's even worse, isn't it? It's even worse on that side, I think.

I don't know. Okay. I actually don't know why you think that's even worse, isn't it? It's even worse on that side, I think. I don't know. Okay. I actually don't know why you think that that's worse, that side. There's tons of stuff going on that side. Because if there's no post, here's my logic. I think it's worse the other side. The other side is an absolute wasteland. You're neither one thing nor the other.

You're not still in town in your country, but also you're not in the promised land. Pre-security. Pre-security, nothing's happening. But pre-security, if you need a postman, you can get one. Where are you getting your postman? The outside world that you're still connected to. I'm leaving Heathrow and going back to the, where am I going? Reigate. If you need an emergency post officer. Big if. To retrieve your iPhone or iPod, you have a, you stand a better chance of accessing that postal worker. Oh, I don't want to fall out with you Jess. When you're still connected. I don't want to fall out with you Jess. I do not want to fall out with you Jess. Not here here not now perfect, pub garden.

Isn't it? Yeah, of course it is. Of course it is. I think this might be my perfect day. Pub garden. It's crucially, you know what it is, crucially? Sunny. Yeah, something else.

First summer of the day, tops off. First summer of the day, tops off. I've not heard that phrase before. Yeah, but it is first summer of the day, off? First summer of the day tops off. I've not heard that phrase before. Yeah, but it is first summer of the day tops off. First summer of the day tops off. I might even say first summer of the day bottoms off. What do I mean? I think you mean it's the first summer of the day and everyone's nude.

And smoking. It's the first day of alfresco drinking of the year. Do you know what else it is? Shall I tell you what else it is? It might be that, but I think it's impromptu. Oh, God, you're so right. It's impromptu. Impromptu.

It's in, read my lips, i am prompt in in i am prompt y-o-u in prompt you got it it happens not heard that it creeps up on you yeah doesn't it just you're just walking around you thought you you didn't you thought you were just going home. Could happen today. You're with John Kearns. Suddenly. Before you know it, everyone's taking their tops off.

Are we having one in here? Yeah, it's a nice vibe. The sound of, you know, distant bees. Some crisps, crucially. Sharing, grab bag. We're down in this pub garden. You fancy coming down?

I'm in the area. Before you know where you are, it's half past three and everyone's having a fantastic time. I've got to say, I've got my evening lined up. Okay. But actually, I really like Wimbledon. I used to work at Wimbledon. The ground?

Got to be, hasn't it? Not Zara? What? Zara? Yeah. I did four seasons there. I did four fortnights in Zara. I can see you, actually. You're aggressive enough to work in Zara.

I met my friend in Zara last week. We couldn't work out where we were going to go for lunch, so off we go. Meet in Zara. I can see you actually. You're aggressive enough to work in Zara. I met my friend in Zara last week. We couldn't work out where we were going to go for lunch. So off we go. Meet in Zara in menswear. I almost bought a denim jacket. Anyway, I'm in the pub garden. I think I'm something else as well. Yeah.

So I'm doing a bit of a flit, if I may. Yes, please. Because I also want to be having lunch in Greece. Wonderful. Have you done it to be having lunch in Greece. Wonderful. Have you done it? Corfu, a bit. That counts, doesn't it? Oh, I'll definitely give you that.

Are you talking about mainland? No, I can be. Any of the islands? Any of the islands. I'd be pretty mean-spirited to deny you Corfu. And in fact, I have done it in Corfu. Whereabouts? Can you remember?

No. But that is more, you know, it's probably less impromptu, you know. No, you've deliberately gone to Corfu. You've gone to Corfu. You've not accidentally found yourself with John Kearns getting on a plane. No, not all of this is with John Kearns, by the way.

It's your perfect day, Tim. Don't forget that. I would always back myself to go to Greece without John Kearns. It is my perfect day. In fact, there'd be a lot of John Kearns in my perfect day. Really? Anyone else you want to name drop? We've had Rick Edwards making you a bacon sarnie.

I don't know why you said drop. Name would have been okay. Well, I like spending time with John Kearns. Okay. John Kearns is in there. Tick. Jack. Is he in costume? I think probably we'll lose the teeth but keep the wig.

That's what he does. That's what he tends to do socially. If he's intending to have a laugh. That's how you know. That's how you know. If the wig's not on, you know, he wants to talk about his problems. I don't really know him, but... He is what he is.

So, Greece would be, you know, some friends in Greece that we go to. We sometimes go to Greece. Have you got friends that you go to Greece with we go to we sometimes go to Greece Have you got friends that you go to Greece with? No we sometimes go to Greece together some friends So you do have some friends that you go to Greece with?

Yes I do Right I'll give you that So the Greek friend crew The Greek friend crew What are they called on the WhatsApp group? It's probably something like

Grizzly Beasleys So the Grizzly Beasleys I guess it's probably the grizzly beasleys so so um at the tell me the greek taverna yes we'll have a cheeky greeky salad we'll have that fried cheese halloumi no that other fried cheese better maybe and then we'll have bits and pieces the one with

the one with rice inside some weird stuff yeah yeah yeah all that vine leaves vine leaves and then maybe a mythos

is that a beer yeah yeah and then maybe we'll play a game what game probably like names in the hat something like that great yeah Is that a beer? Yeah. And then maybe we'll play a game. What game? Probably like Names in the Hat, something like that.

Great. Yeah. Just sort of classic, you know, holiday fare. And then that's that. That I think is a pretty decent lunch. That's a pretty decent day. I think we've done all right. Can I just ask you something about the Names in the Hat? Yeah.

Do you have strong feelings about it when you're playing in terms of must all the names be known by everyone sometimes people put obscure names in people get very passionate about that of course I have feelings about that come on then let's hear it well um look this is a constant it's broken now it's a broken game and we play at christmas my family and i why is it broken because my brother and i like to put names of people from our village and the children like to put youtubers and it's a kind of we we're at an impasse. Yeah, and someone always puts your name. Someone will, you know what, put my name. Yeah. Yeah, my name will be in.

But that will always happen. Yeah, but that will always happen, and people, but that happens too much, and then it's in three times. Yeah. Maybe that's, so would you have that as a rule that you don't put anyone's names in who are playing? I would.

Yeah. Yeah. Do you's names in? I would. Yeah. Do you put names in that are not really names, but just stuff that's happened that day? Of course. Yeah, okay, that's good. But some people get really annoyed about that. Yeah, I know.

Do you always put Tom Cruise? Of course. He's always in. He's always in. I'm glad I'm playing names in the hat on my perfect day. Yeah. Perfect evening. Unless you've got anything more to add to the afternoon? No, the afternoon.

I've got my afternoon now, haven't I? I mean, well, yeah, I'll probably play football. Oh. Yeah. Wow. Five aside. Because I only really gave you lunch. No, we've been in the pub.

We've been to Greece. Oh, we have. We've been on a bullet train. We've done a cryptic crossword. Yeah. And now we're playing football. Okay. Well, I mean, I'm going to try and sneak in, if I may, climbing a mountain in the Lake District.

Really? Yes, with my friend Phil. Wow. If I can. That's lovely. Yep. That, if I can, would take, if we can get on it midday, so it's not in the, or do I have to do it after I've done the other stuff?

Look, time slows down in the perfect day. We're up. We have goose curry at the top. What? And then we're down. And on the way down, as we're coming back into Coniston, we stop and we have a pint of Bluebird beer. So that's that. And I want to just leave that there. Okay. And say, I'd love that to be part of my perfect day. But I know my perfect day is congested and I apologise for that. I guess I didn't apologise for that. But here's what I might do for you.

I think, I think I'm going to do a gig. Maybe the gig is as simple as there's these gigs that Will Briggs, a friend of mine, runs these gigs. They're called the, you know, like the Bristol Comedy Gardens or something. And it's all good fun. It's a fun gig. And then everyone in the bill, we all go to the pub. But yeah, I think my gig on my perfect day would be one that I'm really stressed out about and then it goes well.

Perfect. Looking forward to that. Then off we go. I think I have to have a kebab. Do you think about that? Well, as someone who has... Traipsed. Traipsed for...

45 minutes. Well, it felt like... I think it was longer. It was 12,000 steps. Yeah. Was it? Tell your listeners. Check in with your listeners quickly.

Okay, hi, listeners. What happened was I went on Key's book tour to interview him in Leeds and then Manchester in front of an audience. Wonderful discoveries were made. For instance, Tim Key can access his archive and take requests. Can actually.

At any time. Yeah. And that was a wonderful discovery. We had a lovely time, didn't we, doing that? Yeah, we had a great time. So anyway. But then afterwards it all fell apart. Afterwards it all fell apart because we were very hungry and it was getting late and it was a Sunday

and what we really wanted was a curry from the Curry Mile in Manchester. Yeah, we did. And what actually happened was a curry from the curry mile in Manchester yeah we did what actually happened was we got to the curry mile in Manchester and every single restaurant was closed but we did walk the entire length of the curry mile yeah and back down again yeah and everyone needed a wee everyone needed a wee and we had everyone was hungry and quite drunk because we'd had we'd also had quite a lot to drink by this point. Yeah, and everyone was a bit annoyed. But actually we had a good team spirit.

In fact, I think it was commented upon that we were the right personalities to have this problem. I think we handled it with aplomb. Several plombs. Aplombs. I think what we did do was we went to a pub, ordered four halves. Yes. And then about

70 minutes later went back into the same pub and ordered four pints. And in between we didn't get anything done, did we? We didn't get anything done and then,

so then we just carried on. We drank through our hunger, I think is what we did. Yeah. We poured, our hunger, I think is what we did. We poured a bit. Also, I don't really drink pints, but it felt like the right thing to drink because I was so hungry. It's a bit more substantial, isn't it? Yeah, I needed liquid food.

Liquid food. You were drinking pints of Guinness, I think. I hope so, because that is even more like food. That's just a meal, really, isn't it? It's basically a Weetabix, isn't it? so because that is even more that's just a meal really it's a smoothie and then and then we i mean what time must it have been two o'clock in the morning we realized we were still hungry we got in the cabs to go home and then you said to the driver don't suppose you know anyone that sells kebabs do you mate He drove us to the other side of town.

Yes, but then, hang on, what happened? Because we ordered food, but you forbade me from eating it. Right. Do you remember that? So you didn't eat it. I was like, I'm going to, and both you and my friend Sam said, you can't eat that in here. Do we all go back to our separate houses? We all then have to go back to our separate hotels and sit on our beds and eat our kebabs.

I did definitely eat a kebab on my bed. Or a pizza. But I think actually weirdly, and I don't know whether this, this doesn't sound right now I say it, but I think that might be how the perfect day ends. I mean, ideally. Eating a kebab alone on your bed? Yeah, I think I'd rather be watching the, what's that stuff in Norway called, where there's weird things happening in the sky? What?

There's weird things that happen in the sky. Oh, the Northern Lights. Maybe that's a better way to end it. Okay. But I think I'm going to end up watching the Question Time where they also have the sign language lady. Oh, yeah. And eating a kebab.

So you must have your perfect night quite often. What do you mean? You do a gig, you get a kebab and you go and eat it on your own. Yeah, yeah, okay, right. Yeah, I'm going to backtrack a little bit. I'm going to go full circle. I've got a decent idea of a good narrative. And I think what's good for me, for you and for the podcast

is if we go back to that house from the start. Ah, lovely. And we are at a decent place. Some people have gone to bed, others are still up. And I want to say that there is a little bit of your friend and mine cheese in the air. There's the whiff of cheddar on the breeze. And I think the fire is still roaring. You know when the fire is,

there comes a point where you can just let the fire go. But constantly people are plodding over and people are using the phrase log on. Go on, log on go on log on maybe a quiet game okay i think there's one other thing that i'm going to add yeah which is that there is i'm afraid to say there is a test match happening cricket fine and it's abroad and there's a time issue and so this is a crucial bit of the game so it's the first session of the cricket is happening on the television in the background. Yeah, in the background. Yeah.

What do you think about My Perfect Day these days? I think it's gorgeous. Yeah. Oh God, this has been delightful. It's been nice going through My Perfect Day. Tim Key, it's been wonderful to have you on The Perfect Day. Thanks for having me here. And I loved talking to you about your perfect day

and in a way it has been my perfect day. Thank you. Goodbye. Shall we go and have some lunch? Yes. What if I didn't press record? Did you press record? I did, yeah. There we have it. That was Tim Key and that was Tim Key's Perfect Day.

And I really hope you enjoyed that as much as I did. And if you didn't like it, well, you know, hopefully there'll be another podcast that you do like. Maybe Best Sleeps or I didn't mean Mean It the podcast about accidental breakages I actually think they've both got legs Next week we're joined by the sensational Emerald Fennell who you may know

as the writer and director of the Hollywood blockbuster Saltburn Yes she was also in Barbie ever heard of it? of the Hollywood blockbuster Salt Burn. Yes, she was also in Barbie. Ever heard of it? And she wrote and directed the Oscar-winning, promising young woman.

Yeah, we get Oscar winners on Perfect Day now, actually. Oh, we do have a laugh. Then after that, we've got Jamali Maddox. Jamali. We've got the girls from Drifters. Oh, that's a beauty. And we've got Nick Muhammad, you know, from Ted Lasso. I am so good to you. So if you liked this, you know what to do. I'm not going to beg, but can you please like, subscribe, review, etc. Follow us on Instagram at Perfect Daycast. And I'll see you next week. That's all for now.

From Yorkshire with Love, I'm Jessica Knappett, wishing you a perfect day.