Perfect Day with Jessica Knappett - Perfect Day - Best of 2024

Episode Date: December 26, 2024

This week, as we wind down 2024, join Jessica Knappett and various guests as we revisit some of the funniest moments far. Thank you all for joining us in 2024, and if you’re just tuning in, we have an equally hilarious and exciting season to come next year. Happy Perfect New Year! Like and subscribe for brand-new episodes every Thursday. Follow us on Instagram @perfectdaycast. And, why not get in touch? Email us at [e-mail] Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

This episode is brought to you by HelloFresh. Be honest, between meetings, workout classes, and the kids' clubs, who's got time to cook? That's where HelloFresh comes in. No matter how busy you get, HelloFresh makes it easy to get a home-cooked meal on the table. With flavor-packed recipes like crispy chicken parmigiana, you'll be filling your kitchen with the cozy aromas of a homemade meal in no time. Visit HelloFresh.ca and use code SPOTIFY for your exclusive offer. We interrupt your holiday listening pleasure to bring you an important bulletin.

You could be doing exactly what you're doing right now, but with bottomless bevies on a beach in paradise. With Sunwing's big Boxing Week savings, you can choose between literally hundreds of all-inclusive vacation packages that offer big value for low prices. Take it from us. We've been here big Boxing Week savings, you can choose between literally hundreds of all-inclusive vacation packages that offer big value for low prices. Take it from us, we've been here since last year's sale. Hey! Get away from my fries! Oh yeah, book with your local travel advisor or at…

Hamburglar, why are you calling? Rubble, rubble! McDonald's has a new biggest burger called Big Arch, made with two 100% Canadian beef patties, a new delicious sauce, and all the McDonald's flavors you love, and... Wait, you want me to help you get it? Rubble. Come on.

Compare to beef burgers on McDonald's current menu at participating restaurants in Canada. All right then. I'm walking on the beach on my own just for a little bit, because I think that's a really calming place to do it. I'm walking to meet Michael,era. Hello Perfect Dayers, I'm Jessica Knappett and you are everything and everything is you. I hope everyone had a wonderful Christmas and now has lots of leftovers in the fridge. All of that stuff is happening for you. And you're feeling good and plumped up. And if you're not, it's nearly over, guys.

As we draw to a close on 2024, I thought, what better way to bring in the new year than by revisiting some of the most hilarious and interesting and brilliant moments we've had so far in the short existence of Perfect Day. Don't think that this is happening just because I'm taking a week off. No, we wanted to do a best of compilation episode. So a huge thank you to all of our fantastic guests who we've had on this year. It's been a joy to host and to all of our perfect dayers out there. Thank you for tuning in every week.

I love making this show and I love the fact that you listen to it. So sincerely thank you. And here's to a perfect day and some of our finest moments so far. Recap. In my 30s I want to be treated like a little prince. All right then. Okay, Ramesh, please tell me, what is your perfect morning? Well, my perfect morning is something that feels quite achievable actually. But so I used to, okay, my perfect morning is getting up whenever I get up. So I used to be like, you know, there was this culture of you have to get up at 6am

otherwise you're wasting your day or whatever or you know, you have to be up and achieving something and like there's all these motivational speakers and say you've got to be up at three and then that way when everyone else is getting up at eight you've achieved five hours of stuff or whatever. Yeah, but how do they sleep? That's all rubbish isn't it? I mean what you need to do is sleep it turns out. I mean it's amazing that it's taken us this long to discover that sleep is actually important and you should probably just sleep until you don't want to sleep anymore. My perfect start would be to just wake up whenever I wake up, which is tricky.

Yeah, so how often do you get to do that? When you're on the road, I mean, obviously people like me interrupt your morning by asking you to do a podcast when you've just done a gig all night or whatever. Because obviously you work so much. We all know this. How often do you get to just wake up whenever you want? I don't really. I mean, I mean, the truth is when I'm at home, um, I've got a very understanding. I'm nervous about saying how understanding my wife is is because I start to get, I know what you're like and I've spoken to you about Lisa before.

And sometimes when I'd be describing my lifestyle, I felt what you're like, and I've spoken to you about Lisa before, and sometimes when I've been describing my lifestyle, I felt like you kind of getting angry on her behalf at the situation she's allowed herself to fall into. So I'm slightly nervous about talking about this. But if I've had a late night gig, Lisa's pretty chilled about when I wake up. But the truth is, if you've got kids, you kind of just get woken up. But the number of times I've had a really late night gig, this has

happened a lot. And I wake up and one of my kids has stood over me waiting to have a conversation with me. So I just wait, I just sort of open my eyes and they're stood there, ready to talk to me about something. I say, how long have you been there? And they go, only a few seconds. And I think you haven't been there a few seconds. Isn't that a thing though, that you do wake up if someone's staring at you? Yeah. No, okay. Oh, maybe that is the case then. So it doesn't happen often. And then when I'm on tour, like for example, you know,

last when I go away to stay at a hotel, I just don't sleep as well when I'm away from home. And it's so annoying because you sort of think I should do. I've got nothing to wait, you know, I don't have to be doing anything until I'm leaving to go to the tour show. But for some reason I can't just, I don't sleep as well. I wake up earlier, not earlier, but you know, the idea that I'm going to just sleep into whenever it just doesn't happen. It just really doesn't happen. But Jess, and I'm loath to sleep into whenever it just doesn't happen. It just really doesn't happen. But Jess, and I'm loathed to say this because I got into a bit of trouble for saying this on my podcast for spreading quackery.

Oh god, I know what you're going to say. It doesn't work, Rom. I tried it. Well, it works for me. And by the way, a sample size of one is not a robust sample size. It doesn't work for me. Right. But you're a sample size of one, aren't you? Correct. But what I didn't say was, it does work. I said, it works for me.

Tom, you should try it. I don't know if it'll work for you. What you said was, it doesn't work because it doesn't work for me. So, very different statements we made. Yeah, I know. I shouldn't be expressing opinion as fact and I don't like it when people do that. If it makes you feel any better, it's absolute classic un-cut-nap-it. It's absolutely classic podcast basically, isn't it? Just that's all podcasts are, just unchecked facts. Opinions presented as facts going unchecked. What we're referring to is magnesium cream.

Magnesium butter. Maggi butts, as I call it. So you put the Maggi butts on. On my feet. Do you put socks over them? No, I don't actually, should I? I don't know. I don't know. It's obviously working without the socks. So, and then that does work and it means that you, what, you sleep for eight hours or uninterrupted? Yeah. And like, you know, I mean, Jess, you've just moved over into this bracket. I'm in

my forties and a night sleeping without having to get up a couple of times to relieve yourself is a rare thing at my age. I wake up at half past three every morning now, just ping wide awake. Yeah. And also the other thing is I wake up to go to the toilet and it's that thing of like, I know it's a bit of a cliche, just trying to stop your brain clicking onto anything. You just go, I need to not think while I go for this piss and get back to my bed and close my eyes without me. And it doesn't even have

to be a bad thing. It could be anything. You know, like I've just got to not think about anything just for this few minutes while I go. And if I do think of something, I might as well get up because it's over. The night sleep is over. So the Maggie butts has helped me with that. Although what I would say is I've had to really be careful about making sure I don't need to go to the toilet before I put the Maggie butts on my feet because we've got like a wooden floor in the bedroom. Oh, it's a safety hazard. Yeah, I mean it's you know, I'm already unattractive enough when I'm getting ready for bed. I think Lisa's seen me go arse over tit in my boxer shorts is because I've made the soles of my feet completely frictionless. I think that's probably a bridge too far in terms of keeping the magic alive. But sometimes you will still have to... So now I have an image of you sort of treading carefully into the back with your

slippy lotion on the bottom of your feet. Yeah I put the lotion on carefully to the toilet. That's such an old man walk isn't it? Yeah just sort of tiptoe, you know like in a cartoon. man walk, isn't it? Yeah, just sort of tiptoed, ding, ding, ding, you know, like in a cartoon, ding. And then I get into bed and I lead over to Lisa and I say, have a good night. Harriet Kemsley. Kelmsley?

People say Kemsley a lot. I don't know. People say it a lot, but there's not even, it doesn't make sense because it's not even, like there's a film famous Kelmsley. Like, do you know what I mean? It doesn't make sense as a concept. It's Kemsley, right? It's Kemsley's a film famous Kelmsley. Like, do you know what I mean? Like, it doesn't make sense as a concept. It's Kelmsley, right?

It's Kelmsley, but everybody says Kelmsley. And I don't even I just go with it because other people say Kelmsley. You mustn't blame yourself. It's the others like I don't know where they're getting it from. Because there isn't even a silent. No, it's not like there's a silent L. No, I don't know how it's spelled. It's not a silent L.

And but there's no famous Kelmsley. Like, I can imagine if, you know,. But there's no famous Kelmsley. Like I can imagine if there was like a Brad Kelmsley or something, then you'd be like, oh, of course, then you would think of Kelmsley. But there's no Kelmsley. That doesn't exist as a word. But people still want to call me that rather than Kemsley. That's so strange.

And someone started it and now we're all doing it. Anyway, Harriet Kemsley, for the love of God, what's your perfect morning? I'm in bed. Yeah. I'm in bed. And my daughter has woken up. There's two ways she wakes up. One is she screams, mama!

And the other is she goes like, mama, mama. And it's the second one. It's very sweet. It's very, very lovely. And so she gets up, she gets into bed and then a hot man brings me a cup of tea in bed. I think it's my life goal is to find a partner that brings you tea in bed

without you having to like ask, without you having to ask a few times. And then it becoming a thing, like it just becomes a thing where you're like I'll just make the tea myself. And so I would just like to be brought a cup of tea in bed. Is that too much to ask? It's actually not much to ask is it? But have you ever known it? My dad does it for my mum. And so I've grown up around it. And so I think it's normal,

but it's not. Does your dad do it for your mum every day? Yeah yeah yeah and he lays out like her breakfast like he lays out like a bowl and a spoon it's like she lives like a queen. Pure devotion. Isn't that amazing? It's beautiful. Yeah. So your dad's bringing you a cup of tea and you're your mum. My dad's bringing me a cup of tea in my room. So your dad, but it's not your dad. To be clear, it's not your dad. It's just like your dad. Somebody else who's a bit like your dad,

but not your dad brings you a cup of tea, but he's hot, like your dad, but not your dad. I think what happened is I married the opposite of my dad. And then now I'm like, oh, you know, I just need to marry someone like my dad. Yes. What? But we, but we, oh my God. I, do you know what I think? Cause they say that men marry their mothers, which yeah, I don't, I, well, I don't want to say anything bad about my mother-in-law, but like, there are definitely traits, like for me, I think. I won't say any more about that.

But my husband does share traits with my dad, which is awful, yeah. But that's, I guess, so I guess it could be true the other way, that women marry their dads. Yeah, I'm just gonna accept it at this point. I think, you know, I'm just going to accept it at this point. I think I could do worse. So, I'm really glad that was... By the way, this is not a tangent-proof podcast. We've established that, I think. And I think the listeners appreciate it.

We are all about the tangents on Perfect Day. They don't just want the facts in and out. What's happening in the day? Get out of there. No. Okay, great, great. So tell me more about your perfect morning after your hot man's brought you a cup of tea. So me and Mabel, we're watching TV in bed,

but she, it turns out she's not into Peppa Pig. I don't have to watch Peppa Pig for the thousandth time. She's into The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. So we're in bed because she really wants's into The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, so we're in bed because she really wants to watch The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. Have you tried that by the way? No, have you tried that? Well I tried a little bit of, well I was going to say adult content, I don't mean, I just

mean like non age appropriate. Yeah. And actually that you'll be surprised they can. But should they? But should they? No, absolutely not. But are they really taking it in? Yeah. What age will they really take it in? How much longer?

Because when she was a baby, obviously, you can watch this stuff. But then now you're like, please try it and report back. And I'm also interested in if there are any other listeners who do watch not adult content but you know what I mean programs with their kids anyway so Beverly Hills Housewives of Beverly Hills. Housewives of Beverly Hills we're having a lovely time me and her yeah she's doing a half, but she's into it. And then I guess I must, I guess, the thing is I do always want her with me. Like this is the thing, like I always want her with me,

but I want her with me in a way where she's respecting what I say. Yeah, she's respecting your creative process. She respects me as a human. She's sitting down for long periods of time. She's speaking to me in a calm, polite manner. She's remembering her own stuff, so I don't have to bring it with me. So I would like her to come with me on the day, but maybe there's some kind of adult involved that is running around after her.

Oh, right, yeah. Or maybe she's just, she is somebody else. She's herself, I love her so much, but she's just, she's just behaving. She's just behaving like those little. She's sedated. She's heavily sedated. She's on a lot of cowbell. Uh.

Uh. Uh. Uh. Uh. Uh. Uh. Hamburglar, why are you calling? Rubble, rubble. McDonald's has a new biggest burger I'm going to go get some food. I'm going to go get some food. I'm going to go get some food. I'm going to go get some food.

I'm going to go get some food. I'm going to go get some food. I'm going to go get some food. I'm going to go get some food. I'm going to go get some food. I'm going to go get some food. I'm going to go get some food. I'm going to go get some food.

I'm going to go get some food. I'm going to go get some food. Compared to beef burgers on McDonald's current menu at participating restaurants in Canada. Miami Metro catches killers and they say it takes a village to race one. Anyone knows how powerful urges can be? It's me. Catch Dexter Morgan in a new serial killer origin story. Hunger inside of you. It needs a master. Featuring Patrick Gibson, Christian Slater, special guest star Sarah Michelle Geller, This episode is brought to you by Canon Canada. From street interviews to vlogging or filmmaking, great content gets even better when you're shooting with great gear.

That's what Canon's Level Up sales event is all about. With awesome deals on the range of cameras and lenses, you can grab everything you need for that shot or scene you've been dreaming of for less. Whether you're helping that special person take their content up a notch or adding that extra quality to your own shoots, Canon's got you covered. Shop the level up sales event today at Canon.ca.

I have to ask you, and I do want to ask you, Jamali, about your perfect day. Because you can have anything, Jamali. You can do anything. And so far, you've woken up in your own flat, it's clean and you've had some coffee. Yeah, I like basic stuff and the weather, yeah, is sunny but a bit chilly. Oh, but that might tell me the activity I can do, right, is what I do is I've got my tracksuit on and my light jacket, right? And I put on the essential thing you need for my perfect morning. Birkenstocks. Yeah.

Suede Birkenstocks, right? Because we're about to do something. We're about to do my favorite new activities, because I think to give it context here. I grew up in Ilford. a bit of a shithole. It's a great area. I love it. It's dear to my heart, but it's sort of like, you know, and only later in life I started experiencing a certain activity which I never knew about.

And I've sort of enjoyed it in the last couple of years. And it's formative with the last couple of years and it's formative with the Birkenstocks and my new morning is mooching. Yeah, I'm mooching. Oh, yeah. So what I'm doing, I'm putting on my Birkenstocks, right, and I'm hitting Stoke Newton. Yeah. And I'm hitting Church Street and I'm just having a look. You're just having a mooch.

I'm just walking down. I go look at some pots and pans and I go, hmm, don't intend on buying any of it. Right. I have a little walk around. And this is this is this is this. I think this is such a missed part of mooching is you ask the guy who works in the shop a million questions about products you have no intention of buying. Oh, Jamali. There's like a Japanese knife shop and the knife's like...

Oh my God, we've got a knife shop and you love knives. Yeah, yeah, I do like that. It's like 300 quid for a knife and I'll look at the knife, I'll ask how balanced it is and I'll ask all these questions. He thinks he's got a cell. He don't know I'm a fucking Moocher, right? So then I'm Birkenstock out of that, bitch. You ain't seeing me again, right? I've got Moocher around, right? And then I'm Birkenstock out of that bitch you ain't seeing me again right I've had mooch around right and then I hit and but the mooching is just I'm warming up to do my favorite pastime oh my god what is my favorite pastime carbo-cell really that's my favorite thing in the world is a car boot sale. Yes, Jamali. This is so unexpected. I love car boot sales. I can't, I honestly, I would never in a million years have been able to guess that your favorite thing was essentially window shopping.

You're a perfect girlfriend. I just didn't have you down as a mooch. I'm a mooch now. I never used to be but I just I live where I live now. I live in an undisclosed location in East London. It's just prime mooching. Do you know what I mean? And then car boot sales. Like I haven't, we haven't got cracking in the car boot sale yet. Okay so tell me, do you buy anything in the car boots or is it all just mooching around there? I buy absolute tat. There's a guy there, right? And when he sees me, his face lights up and he goes, I've saved some stuff for you. And it's the most absolute tat and shit that you don't need. And I fucking buy all. I've all right I bought like I've got I think

I've got some stuff here that I've got oh my god show me like I've bought old 90s wrestling figures oh god what's this I bought this frame Richard Pryor poster oh that's pretty cool I buy cameras that don't work. You see, this is like a DV camera that doesn't work. What else have I got in here? Are you going to get it fixed or? Nope. That's not the point of the car. You don't fix stuff with the car boot. You buy it and you hope it works.

And if it don't work, it just goes on your storage. Have you got a lot of stuff around your house? Now, I mean, now I'm feeling a bit sorry for the cleaner who's coming actually. Do you know what I did a bargain hunt. Oh my god Jamali we'd be great on bargain hunt together. Yeah we would actually be very good and we went to an auction house and like I thought it was just for the context of the TV show that I bid for something and I won the bid and I was like I want it and they rang me for like four months saying are you gonna buy it? Buy it and I was like nah. I didn't think I thought you could just for the context of a TV show pretend but they really...

I was just pretending I'm always just pretending it's all it's just a joke. And recently I went to like it's best described as a MAGA festival, right, for the new TV show. So it was like a MAGA festival and they were doing like a bid and they were like selling guns, like guns and ammo. And I scratched my nose. I went like this and he thought I was bidding and he went, he went 300, 300. I was like no, lucky someone outbid me. You're going to auctions where you bid for AK 47s, I'm going to auctions where you bid for a job lot of candlesticks. Yeah. I would say we're both equally disappointed when we come home. Yeah. Brett Goldstein, what's your perfect morning? I cannot wait. I think it's going to be work, work, perfect morning, working, perfect night, working. There's a work perfect day and there's

a holiday perfect day. I've left it all behind. Okay. So let's start with your perfect morning. So let's start with your perfect morning. Which is your perfect morning? Ha ha. Skip. Admit it. Admit it, you're working. No, I mean, the perfect morning, the perfect time I've left it all behind is pretty fucking great to be fair. Okay, well, which is it? Well, let's do that actually. Let's pretend you're not a workaholic. Yes. Okay. Let's pretend I've really like sorted myself out and so wake up. I'm in the Caribbean. Sorry Jess, I don't live here anymore. I live in the Caribbean. You actually live in the

Caribbean, so you're in your home in the Caribbean? Yeah. Okay. And I live right by the sea. You can hear the sea. What kind of house is it? It's a villa. What's stopping you from living in the Caribbean now? I work. Right.

Okay, got it. Look, the plan is do as much as I can, have a heart attack at 50, retire, move to Barbados. Oh, right. okay, got it. You'll hate that, but yeah. Wake up. Now, somehow, I don't, here's a question for you. Subnote, I sleep terribly, terrible sleeper.

Oh, yeah. Always sleep terrible. When you wake up, here's what I don't understand about my brain and I don't know if this is the same as your brain. You're a very thinker. When you wake up, when I see people wake up in films, they often go like this. Where am I? That sort of vibe. For the listener, Brett is blinking and looking around.

Like confused. Where am I? What year is this? Who am I? Oh, oh, oh, I'm awake. Yeah, this is how I wake up at whatever time it is. Anyway, so but I don't have another song on the jukebox that there is no there isn't a split second of what rise I am like you straight on straight. There was no gap. There was no... So is there a notebook by the bed? Is it like get up and you just write straight? No it's just mad like... Just constant... A fire. And a song. Usually a catchy song. Really? Yeah always a song.

Can't shut it down. So have you got a thing then? You got one of the things? What's the thing? The ADHD or something like that? Oh possibly, yeah probably. Yeah. Okay. So you're waking up raising thoughts but that's your normal morning. No, but this is, no, in my perfect day. This is how I wake up. Blinking, looking around, smiling.

Happy. Like I'm not like, can't I need more sleep? I'm like, I think I've got enough sleep. Oh yeah, how much sleep is enough sleep? I'd need to catch up, it'd be about five to six years of like, you know what I mean? I wake up like, ah, I feel refreshed. How many hours sleep on average do you normally get? Four. Four? Mm. Four? Pretty boy.

I know. He's not well. How many hours sleep did you have last night? Two. Two? How are you even stringing a sentence together? I interviewed Joe Lysett on Four Hours Sleep the other day. It was an absolute shit show.

And that is good. That's people will have heard it by now and they'll go, yeah, it was terrible. I mean, not doing much better today on, on seven to eight, but I don't know how you're doing this. I wake up right before the sun is about to rise. You pulled it back to the former. I appreciate it. I know that that is the guest job. Someone's got to do it. So, sunrise, right? I was like, would I do this? Yeah, maybe, right? I go sit out on the deck. I don't know if I'm going to do this, but I should do this because it would be good for you.

Free writing, six pages. Right, so you are working. Well, just trying to get, you know, it's like a meditation. Or meditate. Okay, forget the free writing. Okay, lovely, yeah. Meditate. Meditate with the sea. Sunrise. Lovely. sea, the sun rising, lovely. Then sun is rising, right? Sit there, watch the sun rise, beautiful.

Go for a swim, I'm going to go for a swim in the sea, really long swim, 40 minutes. I'm down the sea, go really, really far out, get right into the middle of the sea, look out at the world, realize that you're an insignificant speck and that we're all just God's creature and God is the sun. And then swim back. Swim back. There's a lady in my bed by the way. Did I mention that? I was going to ask. Did I mention that? Who is she?

Oh, she's lovely. Does she do it? What does her father do? Heavily pregnant. No, she's... She's... She's... She never walks behind me. She doesn't sit behind me. Always in front, where I can see her. Lovely lady.

Beautiful. Not that that's her main attribute. Wonderful personality as well. She has a bloody laugh. What's her personality like? Funny. We laugh. God, we cry laughing. Funny. Very beautiful. Have I mentioned that?

Second most important thing about her? Who does she look like, dead or alive? Your mum. No, not like my mum, no. Your sister. There's a line in the film about, I saw him and I felt like I was his family. Yes, I felt like I was among family and I said, I don't think you should bang him then. That was a great joke. Who does she look like if she's so beautiful?

Bond or Brunette? Don't mind. Don't mind. You must have an image of a woman. Yeah. Who's Brett Goldstein's fantasy woman? Who are we talking? Who are we talking? You're talking, yeah. I don't like to say real people. So... OK. We'd have to... I've trapped you. We'd have to draw her. I've trapped you and you've backed out.

We'd have to draw her. There's a pen and paper here. OK. There's a pen and paper. I'll describe the drawing as you're doing it because this is an audio format. Oh it's a... it's got quite a long hair. I'm not a great artist. It's like a head or a body or a boob. That's a head. Oh it's a head. Okay she's got really long hair. Long hair. I think down to the waist. It's waist length. She's got a long hair. She's got a very long neck. Oh no, that's her body. Sorry, the neck sort of just guys into the shoulders, I suppose.

This is the best day of my life. Enormous. Okay, okay. So she's got a massive head and she's got two breasts that are the same size as her head. She's got no neck. She's wearing her head. She's got no no. She's wearing flippers. She's very skinny. She's got waist length hair but only on one side. She's got an enormous

bum. Her feet are like flippers because she's really goodnessy. We'll have a nice time. She's got very flat long feet just for swimming. She's like half dolphin. She's part fish. Yeah she's the little mermaid. Oh my god it's like um... It's the little mermaid. My dream woman is the little mermaid. No I was thinking of um not Splash the other movie that's just the same as Splash. Err the Little Mermaid. I can't remember. The Shape of Water. Sally Hawkins.

The Shape of Water. Yeah. The film that perfectly and accurately describes the fact that men will fuck anything. And I'll put this picture on Instagram to accompany this episode of Perfect Day. Can we give her gills so that it's clear that she can swim? And by the way, she's got no facial features, just a blank face, just a blank expressionless face.

So you wake up... I'm not an artist. I wake up with this scary fish woman. With this scary fish woman. She's not scary to me. Other people are scared of her because of her blank face. But they don't realize what a glowing personality she has. But that's kind of why she's special to me because she's got a blank face. Some people find it difficult to read, but I'm like, you don't know her like I know. She's a bloody good laugh and can swim for three minutes underwater. We communicate through touch and through...

Sona. Sona. Yeah. Not sure what to get the young people on your list? The latest phone? Sneakers? Video games? Get the one thing they need now more than ever.

Give their feelings a place to go. When you donate to Kids Help Phone, you're giving the young people in your life and across the country access to free 24-7 judgment-free support because at the end of the day, it's their thoughts that count. Donate at kidshelpphone.ca and together we can give their feelings a place to go. Bumble knows it's hard to start conversations. Hey. No, too basic.

Hi there. Still no. What about hello, handsome? Ugh. Who knew you What about hello, handsome? Ugh, who knew you could give yourself the ick? That's why Bumble is changing how you start conversations. You can now make the first move or not. With opening moves, you simply choose a question to be automatically sent to your matches.

Then sit back and let your matches start the chat. Download Bumble and try it for yourself. This episode is brought to you by RBC Student Banking. Here is an RBC student offer that turns a feel-good moment into a feel-great moment. Students, get $100 when you open a no-move-ly-fee RBC Advantage Banking account, and we'll give another $100 to a charity of your choice.

This great perk and more, only at RBC. Visit rbc.com slash get 100, give 100. Conditions apply. Ends January 31st, 2025. Complete offer eligibility criteria by March 31st, 2025. Choose one of five eligible charities, up to $500,000 in total contributions. ["The Daily Show Theme"]

Hi Jess. Hi Jess. Hi. Hi. Thank you for being on Perfect Day. Thanks for having me. Thanks for coming here. Thanks for, we are obviously going to talk about your perfect day. One of my perfect things to do is actually work. I love filming. So that would probably be my afternoon and I'd make a day of it so I'd have a whole day filming in the afternoon with this extended time and so I'd have this nice relaxed morning and then maybe, I don't know, get picked up from there and off we go to set because I love it. I'm such a geek. That's so nice. What is it that you love about it so much? I think I love when I love feeling part of a team always but I also love that I remember a friend of mine who is now a big old writer for many a show but

we met when she was a runner on Law and Order UK which I was in obviously you know but and the CCTV lady in Law and Order UK. You were like Mrs. Exposition or something? Well I was just the one that was like Sarge, here's the folder. And you have to try not to do a funny face at the end of it. Yeah, yeah. Which is, yeah. Because then they leave it for ages and they're like, show you through. You know?

You can't be like... And also it's one of those jobs where like there's amazing supporting artists who are regulars there because it's a big busily office. But they just all thought I was the supporting artist who had been like given lines like how do you get a line I'd be like I went to drama school. That exact same thing happened to me on the Alan Partridge movie on Alpha Papa and I was a police officer and I was a young actor and no one Steve Keegan and I'm actually looking at me like why is this essay talking to me? So for the first about about the first week,

I didn't say anything, didn't have any lines. I was just in the back of shot. It's only when we did a scene, they were all like, oh my God, she's actually part of the cast. Still didn't talk to me about it to be honest, but. Um, I thought we would all change. Yeah. Now I was like, see, I'm here guys, I'm one of you.

Yeah. Yes. That was really nice. I'm here guys, I'm one of you. That was really nice and also it meant that it was a slow kind of ease into the TV world but I got to learn on the job without having the pressure of leading a scene or having any lines but then when I met my my friend my lovely friend Marnie she was a runner and I remember she on the first day I was, I'll get my own coffee or whatever because I just didn't like the feeling of like people going, let me get you a tea and wait there. But she was like, okay, we do this because actors just wander off and get distracted. So I'm getting you a coffee to know where you are. Sit there. If my boss sees you at the coffee station, I'll get told off. Like, know your place a

bit. And it was the best lesson was it? It really genuinely was. Was it? Because I was like it's the most freeing thing when you realise as an actor you're just a cog and actually you're a bit annoying. Did you learn? I did learn. Did you learn? Did you? No. Because I seem to remember a story about you where you did get your own coffee. Oh my god! That's such a good thing. Can you tell that story? So why did I, actually I didn't learn my lesson because

I was in Anna Karenina, as you all know, playing maid servant number two and right at the end, not to spoil the film, when she goes in front of the train, my character is meant to go, oh look at the lace on her, but I knew I was going to be cut from the film because the director went, what's more without the line? And I was like, I'm not gonna be in this film. So we were there for like five days to wait to do this bit, which is fine because you're like, oh my God, we're in a studio and they take forever to light and everything.

There's like half a page count a day on those kind of massive movies. So you are waiting quite a lot of time in the corridor of all the dressing rooms. So I had my laptop and my phone. I was like pretending that I was a writer back then. So I was like writing a pilot, you know, and so I would go. Pretending, I mean, definitely wear a writer.

And then by the Friday, we were all called down to set to do the scene. And then he was like, what's wrong with that line? I was like, I don't think about it. But I'm in this bonnet playing this maid servant. And then when we come back, I go into my dressing room my laptop my phone's gone and Jude Law came out of his and he was like your phone gone I said my phone's gone. Yeah Jude. Hi Jude, how you doing? My phone's gone. And then Aaron Taylor- This is mad isn't it Jude?

Jude, what are you doing? Jude have they got your phone? And then Aaron Taylor Johnson, he goes, is your, and my laptop's gone. Basically, someone had done a sweep of the corridor and taken, then they'd been very clever, because if someone was in, they'd go, we're just checking the lights aren't flickering. And they weren't, and then if they weren't, they just took it all, ba ba ba ba ba.

Anyway, this runner girl was so mortified, because she was like, oh my god, I should have come back, and no, it was like, no, you're in a studio. It's like a safe, secure, seemingly place. Like, don't worry. She was like, let me get you a cup of tea. And I was like, I'll go, I'll go. So I had this bonnet on, and I walked to the end of the way.

I said, where's the kitchen? And they went down, and I was like, okay. Oh my god, so I went into the kitchen, started to make a cup of tea, and these kind of big, like, bouncer guys were there. And they were like, can we help you? And I was like, oh god, my laptop's gone, my phone's gone, just have this stolen. They were like, the kitchen's actually next door.

And I'd gone into Keira Knightley's dressing room and started to make a little coffee. So Keira goes like, you okay? Just this maid in a bonnet. Oh hello, bane of my life, flicking on the kettle. It's not sunny but it's not cold but there's a hell of a wind. Oh, there's wind. Oh my God. There's wind. You want wind? I want wind. I love wind. You want the sand in your eyes. Whipping you, exfoliating you. I do a bit, yeah. I want a bit of wind, a wind on a beach. Oh, where are we? Okay. Where are we? Well, I've never been there. But I think somewhere like, like the coast of like North America, so like Maine or somewhere like that. Do you know where it's kind of like cold and basically

or somewhere in Scotland or somewhere on the North East coast? Well, I was thinking surely. So where are you from exactly? I'm from Hull, but I went to school in Hornsea. So that's by the sea. Right. So is this a memory perhaps? I would say everything that happened in my teens, that's like a formative memory, happened by the sea. Oh wow. So like, sure, first time being fingered is by the sea. Oh, did you really get fingered by the sea?

I did, yeah. Oh, so romantic. Oh, thanks mate. Oh, it's sort of lovely. The wind whipping around. Yeah. This is, it's like a Charlotte Bronte. Oh, that's very kind. I think technically. I'm going to say I don't think there's any fingering in any brain. I think fingering is implied. Surely. It's implied. So tell me about Horne. Horne. Horneasy. Am I right? There is a pub that I used to work at when I was at school and I was very vegetarian and my job was... Did you get food poisoning or? No, I didn't. But I also ate no rice. So we just don't know. We just don't know.

Anything could have happened. My job was to work there when they did the Sunday Carvery and basically the chef would have like a big slab of meat on her shoulder and she'd walk around and the blood would drip and I'd have to mop it up and I hated it so much. I hated it so much. Why did you have... So sorry, she just walked around with a slab of meat on her shoulder and you just had to keep mopping her. Why was she walking around with the same meat? It's a carver, you've got to put it down.

Was she carving it on her shoulder? No, this is before it's cooked, obviously. Imagine if blood was dripping out when it was raw and she's just walking. She's like, Amy, with me. Yeah, yes, yes. And she's stroking through the kitchen. Yes, Sue. Dripping raw meat onto the floor.

I hated it so much. And it was on a Sunday, early Sunday morning. I don't understand why it was going on for so long. Like, surely you just have to take it out of the fridge and then put it on the side. Yeah. Prep it, put it in the oven. Why is she carrying it around so much? She hated me. I think this was a hazing. It might have been a hazing. I think it might have been a hazing. Yes, I was like a kitchen

porter, had all the worst jobs. They once let me make the stuffing balls and I fucked it so hard. I put too much water in. I did them so bad. It was slop. They weren't forming into like... You needed more stuffing powder. And I did it so wrong. I was like, you idiot, clean up that blood. It was a... On your hands and knees, there's more blood around here. Right, I'm going to go and pick up the joint of me again. Amy, with me. On your knees, grab that cloth. Grab the blood cloth. Grab the blood cloth. Anyway, so the wind is whipping. The wind is whipping.

And we're in a northern town in either America or England or Scotland. Or Ireland, Northern Ireland, anywhere where it's basically a pleasant enough beach, but it's a bit cold. It's cold enough where you can put a scarf on and sort of nuzzle into it and go, ooh. Wow. Do you love the cold. Yeah. I am not a summer. My body is not made for summer. I have a hair feather. I'm allergic to everything. I burn instantly. You're a Celt.

I'm a Celt. Are you a Celt? I'm a Celt. So it's like summer doesn't agree with me. I want to be wrapped in wool going, oh, you know? Yeah. Yeah. Well, how do you feel about open fires? Love an open fire. Right. So that kind of heats fine. I love that. Oh my God. I love that. I get addicted to fires. My favourite... Right.

Nice gloss over that. I would say that was a healthy addiction. So tell me, so we're on a beach, the wind's whipping. Who are you with? What are you doing? So I'll be walking on my own to meet a man who I love. But I don't know who this is. Great. Oh no, I don't. Come on. It's a perfect day. I'm walking on the beach on my own just for a little bit because I think that's a really calming place to do it. I'm walking to meet Michael Cera. Oh, really? And he loves me. It turns out he really, really loves me. Yeah. I think he's the best. I think he's the absolute best. Obviously very handsome. Very handsome man. I think he's a very talented actor who makes very subtle and very interesting choices. Is he a good dad? I don't know, but he makes

very subtle, interesting choices when acting. So you tell me, mum. A great shout. We're walking on a beach towards your boyfriend slash husband. Michael Sera, he's made a very subtle and interesting choice. He's made a very subtle and interesting choice. Everything about him. With his fashion caps. Yeah. He's wearing an understated coat and a lovely scarf. Oh, you should see the scarf. It's absolutely gorgeous. Of course. Is he going to wrap you? Is he going to wrap you? He's going to wrap me in the scarf. That's it. I don't have a scarf and I'm getting just

a little bit too cold. But then he comes in with a big, beautiful scarf and he wraps us both in it together. And then we just stand being subtle and interesting for a bit. Amy Gladhill, thank you so much for telling me a perfect day and night. It's been such a pleasure. How do you feel about karaoke? Love karaoke. Karaoke is quite, gets quite close to that feeling. Yeah. But you need to have the right group of people. Have you ever played karaoke roulette?

No. So this is a game that we're, I'm sure we invented it. And sometimes me and my husband will just go and play this on our own, if we go out on a date night. This is so sad. But we'll go out for dinner and we'll get really hammered and then we'll book a karaoke booth just the two of us. Oh yeah, I do that. It's really fun doing that. It is a funny thing to do. On a date, yeah. I've done it, but it's much better with a group. No offense to him, but it is. And what

you do is you have to go to one of those like with a heavy catalog of music that you don't know ideally. It was why it was really good in America as well. And then you just type any number into the machine. You know those karaoke machines that have a catalog and you have to put the number in. It has to be one of those. And then you type any number and the chances are you won't know the song, but you have to sing it anyway. That's so good. It's chaos, obviously. Yeah.

I did go on a 40th recently where I tried to instigate karaoke roulette and everyone was like, what are you doing? Just put ace of base on, stop fucking around. I think that's really fun. And actually you've just, you've actually just reminded me of an addendum that I would add, like postscript to The Perfect Night which is, let me ask you Jess, are you a fan of sea shanties? Oh god I'm aware of sea shanties but I didn't get I didn't fully get on board with them. So I don't know where I got into them I've always been quite annoying about the sea, one of those people. Right.

And I don't know, something I advertised about this sea shanty festival in Port Isaac last year, it's off the back of that breakup. So it's already quite a vulnerable target. And me and my friends went to Port Isaac and we rented just like a little seaside cottage. And we had it all, there are basically seven bangers in the sea shanty cannon. And- Take it away. In South Australia, I was born. Okay. So it's like that, it's so easy to know the tunes and the lyrics. It's not like,

oh, ha, hee-lo-wee. It's like drunk people's music. Within an hour, we knew all the sea shanty songs and they literally, it's just different sea shanty bands from around the world, mostly Cornwall, just doing the same songs over and over again. No one gets bored of them. You pick them up so fast. Oh my God, that's so funny. And then day two, we did take MDMA. We did do that dress. We did do that. It's a little once a year treat and we did it at the Sea Shanty Festival and it gave it a lovely edge. It was... Oh, I bet it did. It's a perfect combo. So that's where the night

would end. Oh my good God. Did you end up, were you by the sea? Did you end up in the sea or? Yeah, we ended up in the sea. And it was like, do you know why else it was so magical? All of poor Isaac has no phone signal. Oh, wow. So it just felt like we were in this, it was amazing. We just felt like we were in this like parallel universe for three days. It was so fun. No emails for me.

No emails, no needy WhatsApps for Dolly Alderton, thank you. No, just a bit of MDMA and what should we do with the drunken sailor? That's the one I was trying to remember. I must know a sea shanty. Something about walking a plank. What should we do with the drunken sailor early in the morning? It's a club classic. Throw him in the thing. Give me some MDMA, I can make this better.

Dolly, thank you so much for coming on Perfect Day. Thank you so much. This was so fun. It was so lovely to talk to you. Bill, what's your perfect night? I think I'm into my... Me and my girlfriend just spend so much time watching a TV or movie and it's just so nice. I just love watching a TV movie with my girlfriend and laughing about something and laughing at the actors and laughing at something on the screen and then eating a little moon.

You know little moons? Yeah, I love little moons. I met the lady who invented them. I felt like I was meeting Bill Gates or something. For those of you who don't know and are unlucky enough to see God's light, a little moon is a little ball of ice cream wrapped in a mochi, so rice pastry, and it's delicious. So that's one version of my deal, Naiten. Maybe a little dinner that I cook.

I like to cook a little dinner. I like to cook a little pasta or little noodles or cook a little something and pair it with a wine. I love wine, Jess. I love pairing food with wine. Oh wow. That's very fancy of you. It is fancy.

I'm a fancy guy. I'm a very special fella. So what are you pairing with a little moon? Especially if it's ice cream, a hot drink on the side is really nice, like a Roy Bos tea or a... Oh yeah, wash it down. I love to wash something down with a hot drink. You ever just wash something down? Do you know what? Last night I had a cup of tea and a magnum. Delightful. Perfect. Great combo. Yes. Can you have a cup of tea at night and not stay awake? I can't have a full... It was a Rue Bosch. There you go. Sorry, I think you're playing it pretty

close to the bone. I mean, you say you risk a verse, but you have a coffee at 4pm. That's the latest I can go though. That's not that late, is it? It's 4pm. I wouldn't. Oh, Phil, I couldn't have a coffee at 4pm. Not these days. Amazing. Yeah. Anything else? What if you leave the house? If I leave the house, I love to go to a nice restaurant, a restaurant where the waiters

aren't furious you're there. You know how some, depending on the quality of the joint, and especially with British customer service, which must be among the worst in the world. You go to most places and they're furious you've arrived. And they might as well just spit in your face and food. And they just hate that you're there. They hate their life. They hate that they're there. They hate that anyone's there. They hate that food exists. They hate that someone invented the restaurant. I think you might be describing London though. They're a bit happier about it up north, I would say.

I've traveled all around this country. Of course you have. And the world. I mean, you love world. And yeah, London is a little grumpier than the rest of the world, but you go to, you go to Nando's and Kettering and they're not thrilled you're there. They're not thrilled. But you go to a nice restaurant. Oh la la. You go to a nice restaurant and the way the people want to work there and you're, oh, it's the best thing in the world. You say it's so nice. And I love to feel like a little prince in a nice restaurant. I love the restaurant where you go to the toilet, you come back and someone's folded the napkin onto the table.

Oh, do you like that? I don't like the napkin. Oh, you feel like a little prince. I love it! Why? No, I don't like that. It feels like a little Christmas. It's like a little tooth fairy or something. I feel like a child. I feel like the tooth fairy. The napkin fairy's been. Do you know what? It feels too intimate to me. It feels like I don't have a cleaner at the moment, but sometimes my cleaner would pick up my knickers and fold them up and put

them on. The ones that I hadn't bothered to put your underwear on. That's quite a lead between a napkin in a restaurant and Jessica Knappett's knickers. I don't thing you're describing is the same thing. If I came back from the toilet to my table and Jessica knappits knickers were on my table, I'd be furious. I'd say, excuse me, I fold them up, I'd scratch them in my hand like this and I hold them in a fist and I go, what the hell is this? I go to the waiter. These are Jess's.

And he'd say, I'm terribly sorry, sir. And he'd fold them up and put them back on the table like my cleaner did. But what I really wanted to do genuinely is say like, pick up your own fucking knickers in the same way that I want her to tell you to do that. Yeah. I don't want the restaurant to pick up my napkin because that's my responsibility. It sounds like what you want is a life coach. Why? Someone to tell you to pick up after yourself. No, I just don't want them.

I can do that and I just find it embarrassing. And I feel the same way about the napkin. I think this is a very British thing. I think, yeah, this is very British. Whereas you want to be a little prince. I want this is a very British thing. I think, yeah, this is very British. Whereas you want to be a little prince. I want to be a little prince. I think that if you're perfectly capable of doing something yourself, you should do it yourself. For instance, okay, if you weren't going to the toilet and you just went to,

if you just dropped the napkin on the floor, would you expect a waiter to come over and pick it up and give it back to you? No, because you can just reach down and pick it up yourself. How expensive is the restaurant? I would have to ask. I can help, Phil. I would have to ask how expensive is the restaurant. Again, I have to say, I'm absolutely baffled by you because you're incensed at the thought of making your own bed, but you do want to do your own chores, but you don't want to have to fold your own napkin.

Who are you? I don't mind folding my own napkin. I just like that someone did it for me. In my 30s, I want to be treated like a little prince. I get it. Not all the time, but in the evening. Little Prince Phil. Before we go, could you, do you have any evening, any nighttime rituals, any sort of bedtime rituals or anything?

As I say, it's two to five hours of worrying. It's what I will, it's what I like to do as my bedtime ritual. I know, I look, I do, I do try to take my makeup off and I'm successful 50% of the time, which I think is absolutely incredible. It is incredible. Very impressive. And so there's that and then I'll listen to a podcast to go to sleep. What podcast are you listening to? It's usually like an In Our Time. Something like, time, something that is really interesting, but can we say

maybe not so interesting enough? It's slow. It's something quite slow and informative. And will you hopefully in a dream world nod off to a slightly dry podcast? In a dream world, I'd have some kind of tranquilizer. Somebody would just get me with a dart and I'd go down. I've started taking now because I'm a sucker for, I will believe anything anyone says on another podcast, which is the danger of the power of podcasts, isn't it?

And somebody said, if you've got insomnia, then you've got a gene mutation and you have to take these three supplements. Folic acid, which is fine. Yes. I'm writing it down. Look at me believing what I hear. I'm not a doctor. Folic acid. Folic acid, something called SAME, it's S-A-M-E. I know. And the other one is 5-HTP. And I'm taking all three of those bad boys. It definitely hasn't kicked in yet, but I've only been taking them for a week. And the other thing that

I've tried as recommended by Ramesh Ranganathan, it's got a massive backlash. So if this stays in, I'm going to be in trouble for saying it. Because I told him that it didn't work, but then I've been trying it again, is magnesium butter. Because magnesium is supposed to be quite good for sleep. If you rub magnesium butter into your feet, then it gets it absorbs into your body and then the magnesium is supposed to send you to sleep. So I'm trying that as well. I absolutely will not do that. I will not do that. I would rather never sleep again. Or we could all just stay up and listen to some podcasts, keep the podcast community thriving. How many of these podcasts are just being listened to by people with insomnia?

Even this one now, it's very meta. So let's imagine you are going to die. Oh my god. Your children are going to die. Everyone you love is going to die. Yes. It's not okay. Accept it.

You are past your prime. The worst is going to happen and may already have happened. You did say something offensive at that dinner party. That person does think you are a cunt. You are not as good in bed as you think you are. Do you know what? We should do a tape. We should do an insomnia tape for people with insomnia. We could be their worst thoughts.

You know what? To be honest, I think that that is actually probably the best way of tackling it. Yeah, maybe we do just need a podcast like best way of tackling it. Yeah. Maybe we do just need a podcast like the worst of the worst. Worst case scenario. No, because some of the stuff's really bad and I actually know I can't accept it. Oh, gosh. No, actually I can't accept it. You see?

And this is why I don't sleep. No, I've changed my mind actually. I don't want to accept it. Anyway, look, it's been my perfect day as it always is talking to you. Emerald, thank you so much for being here. I love you very much. Emerald I love you. Emma I love you. Emma And come, please come again. Please come again. I don't know. Have a good, goodbye. Have

a good night tonight, all night. And I hope you listen back to this when you can't sleep. What a wonderful first year of Perfect Days we've had with such a lovely bunch of people and we have yet more perfect days to come lads. It's been an absolute pleasure getting to the bottom of what truly constitutes a perfect day but my dutiful work isn't done yet guys. Coming up we have the brilliant India Rackerson and Jessie Cave to kick us into 2025. God that sounds so futuristic. And beyond that, well, the perfect day is our oyster. That doesn't make any sense. No, it does make a bit of sense. So thanks for listening. Remember

to like, subscribe, leave us a review and follow us on at Perfect Daycast for all your perfect day news. From Yorkshire with love, I'm Jessica Knappett, wishing you a perfect day and a perfect new year.